0:00

No, who

0:03

are you wearing? Will there

0:06

be pressed to Ali

0:08

Baba?

0:09

She Honey, yeah, I

0:11

didn't and ride I hear

0:13

it.

0:14

Last there'd be they've

0:16

got last of podcast. But

0:19

honey, no, no, no, no,

0:21

Honna grash peees. We live

0:24

in the glamor life like celebrities

0:27

and sharing our favorite feb

0:29

recipes. But honey, no,

0:31

no, no, no

0:34

aunographs.

0:39

I got no autograph.

0:41

Oh my god,

0:44

is this the penultimate?

0:47

I was about to say that this is our ultimate

0:50

episode of season one Lucky number fourteen.

0:53

Now listen. I used to think penultimate

0:55

meant it was like the most ultimate, like the

0:57

most awesome. I didn't know. I did

0:59

not know that the word means it's the second

1:01

to last.

1:02

No I know. And why do we call it a prenup

1:04

instead of a pen up?

1:06

What does that mean?

1:07

I don't know. I like Lauren Ashore,

1:13

not dead yet not show only on

1:15

every hit. They actually still make

1:17

hit comedies and you happen to be on all of

1:19

the hit comedy.

1:20

True Crimes and Cocktails. She's the host of this very

1:23

popular podcast. Also, she has

1:25

a new single. Talk about new singles

1:27

out.

1:27

I didn't know about the single seat.

1:31

From a Lauren ash leave.

1:33

You're so happy to be.

1:37

You love your horror.

1:39

You're a singer, I am, I like, did not know this

1:41

is that? Did you start with singing or start with comedy

1:44

and acting and stuff?

1:44

We You know what's funny is it depends on how far

1:46

back you want me to go. I

1:49

know it was always my dream to be an actor,

1:52

but it was kind of more of my dream to be a rock

1:54

star, and so I pursued

1:56

acting and then got into comedy and

1:58

then but I've always written songs since I was

2:00

like thirteen. Never, yeah, I just never

2:02

play well. I did play them. I played them

2:04

in high school and then I shouldn't have those ones, shouldn't

2:07

have have had year.

2:09

It's like the era when you

2:11

just shouldn't do it, you do it. You shouldn't

2:14

do it, but you do. And that's what makes

2:16

I think a real performer, harder

2:20

crowd. It's only up from there.

2:22

Yes, I gotta tell you need to get your

2:24

sea legs, your ten thousand hours.

2:26

I loved your post about it. Now by

2:28

the time this airs, it will have been a couple of weeks ago,

2:30

but you were just saying how it's so much

2:32

easier to not do things, but

2:35

that if you just like, if you have this calling,

2:37

Like I love the idea of like just do it.

2:39

Yeah, you know it's funny because I turned

2:41

forty this year spoiler alert,

2:44

and I for my birthday through

2:46

this party where I hired a band and we played a

2:48

set of cover songs and it was the best night of my life.

2:51

So adult, it really is. That's so

2:53

classy. I'm serious.

2:55

It was your favorite

2:57

song to sang?

2:58

Oh mother their Tracy

3:00

Bond?

3:01

Wow, how does that go?

3:05

Here's the family?

3:06

Remember? Then she goes Everything's

3:09

fine.

3:10

It's kind of like it almost feels like

3:12

it's like it's not comedy, but it

3:14

toes it a little bit, yeah, which I love.

3:16

It almost goes to camp did you do?

3:19

Did you do any Atlantis?

3:21

Atlanta's got cut at the last second.

3:23

It's in a.

3:23

Tough place in my range.

3:26

But yeah, why was the ALA's pick

3:28

that you cut?

3:28

You ought to know, of course obviously.

3:31

Yeah, you like that song, or at

3:33

least you like to sing a song that starts

3:35

a little precocious and then just goes fucking hog

3:39

wild with you there. I love a crescendo.

3:41

Do you ever do you ever?

3:42

Do?

3:42

Heart?

3:43

I have not, but I would love to do hard.

3:54

Yeah. Yeah, Lauren.

3:55

By the way, surrender surrenders fun to not.

4:00

Know.

4:00

I can't remember. Also,

4:03

Hi, Katie Levi kat Doctor

4:06

Banana is hiding out somewhere.

4:08

She hates us. She is she's with

4:10

all the workaholics guys.

4:11

Settle. Settle salla

4:13

that people from Canada say Toronto,

4:16

not Toronto.

4:17

Correct.

4:18

They say Toronto Toronto hot.

4:20

I love it.

4:22

If someone says Toronto, then they're

4:24

either from not near

4:26

there or they're

4:29

Yeah, they're not They're not Canadian.

4:31

Honestly, I only say Toronto because I like to

4:33

fit in everywhere.

4:37

Here's another one big city.

4:39

I'm not going to say it because I.

4:40

Don't want to fell it.

4:41

M O n t r.

4:42

E a l Montreal

4:49

French? How

4:52

do you say it? How do you say?

4:53

Here's what I love?

4:54

Though you were both completely accurate in your own ways,

4:57

you did it with the full accent French of

4:59

the more and you said

5:01

it that's how we say it. But people I find

5:03

here Americans they say Montreal

5:06

Montreal.

5:08

I'm a New England gal so I

5:10

inherited a cat named m I T t e

5:12

n s. How do you say that?

5:14

Mittens?

5:15

That's right? People go mittens.

5:16

I'm like mitten.

5:18

I cannot stand the mitten double

5:21

teeth. It's hard. I hate when people

5:23

say it's it's just minten

5:25

and it's ditto, not ditto. I

5:29

know everyone yeah either five.

5:32

Seconds so like we get it. You

5:34

can enunciate now.

5:36

Lauren, Yes, Laren, I'm

5:38

only going to bring this stuff for five seconds because I only that's

5:40

all I want to talk about. Have you watched any of

5:42

the have you seen?

5:45

It's on my list, it's going to be I'm going to be doing.

5:49

Are you now? On your podcast? Do you cover like

5:52

a crime an episode or is it like you

5:54

go through a whole like is it a few episodes for great

5:57

question?

5:57

Yes, typically it's one crime for episode

6:00

times. Once in if there's a lot, we'll

6:02

do like a two partner researcher.

6:03

Do you have a favorite?

6:05

My co host, my cousin and the love of my life, Christy

6:07

Oxborough, she is our main researcher. She is horedible

6:10

moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, Canada.

6:12

Come on, Christie right she is?

6:15

Yes, what has been a recent

6:17

one's? I guess

6:19

loved might be a strange word, but when you really

6:22

got into it.

6:24

Well, honestly one that so I researched

6:27

one for every you know, I don't know four

6:29

to six that she does. I do one. I like to try and

6:31

give her a break shoo to film and

6:34

I'm in right now. Is Joe Francis of Girls

6:36

Gone Wild. I'm going to tell you why it was shocking.

6:38

Okay, no murder, but I also like a

6:40

true crime. That's that's the non murder. You

6:43

cleans the palate. Yeah, I had

6:45

no idea about some

6:48

of the things that have happened to him, and

6:50

also that he's currently a fugitive running from the

6:52

law.

6:53

Didn't realize that to him.

6:56

So in I want to say two

6:58

thousand and four, but don't quote me.

7:00

It was.

7:00

It was in the peak of Girls Gone Wild. Now

7:02

tell me if you've if you've heard this, I had never heard

7:04

this, and I'm a pop culture like Mayniere.

7:07

He gets home one night and someone had broken into

7:09

his home and was waiting for him with

7:12

a pink long dildo and

7:15

filmed him and forced him to say didn't

7:17

force him to actually do anything with it, but forced

7:19

him to like put it near his bare ass and

7:22

say the hill. I'm Joe Francis

7:24

from boy's gone wild and whatever. Here's

7:26

what's wild. That guy has spent more

7:28

time in jail for doing that than Joe

7:31

Francis has for doing other crimes.

7:33

For crimes, I'm

7:35

really bad ones too. Oh yeah

7:38

yeah, but I had I was like, how is this not?

7:40

Absolutely? I have everywhere?

7:42

No with

7:44

the dragon tattoo esus

7:47

traumatizing, which she takes that. Okay, yeah,

7:51

okay, I know. I'm a true crime very

7:53

recent true crime. Not I've I've gotten nat

7:56

reached daylight.

7:57

I get freaked out by true.

7:58

I got to say it sometimes puts me top Isn't that disgusting?

8:01

I mean, it's sick that

8:04

I can't.

8:04

I gotta like do it when

8:06

I'm having adult sleepovers of people.

8:09

Because I cannot, I get

8:11

too scared.

8:12

I used to be like that, and then I just immersed

8:15

myself to the point that now it's it

8:17

doesn't affect me.

8:18

And that I'm with you. I guess

8:20

who knows? I could be America's future next

8:23

sociopath.

8:24

I hear for it.

8:24

I researched Gaysey

8:27

early on, and I went

8:29

too deep, like I just was in it for

8:31

too long, if that makes sense, and that one kind

8:33

of it like changed my brain chemistry.

8:35

I only heard a little bit about the Golden State Killer

8:37

and the teacup on the back, and I was like, I'm out.

8:39

Do you remember that? You remember the guy who got away from

8:42

John Wayne Gacy like got handcuffed to John

8:44

Wayne Gacy's bar or something, and the John Way Gacy went

8:46

to go dress as a clown and

8:48

the guy was like, this is what I remember. The guy

8:50

was like, John, what are you doing? Get me out of these this handcuff

8:53

right now? And he like snapped to it and was like, oh sorry,

8:55

and like let him go.

8:56

Wow. I'll tell you.

8:58

As a small child there, my neighbors

9:00

used to have two like German shepherds

9:02

that would chase me down the street and Rhode Island

9:04

on the bike. And I remember I had friend there was even

9:07

younger than me, and I would be like seven or should be five, and I

9:09

would have to stand there in the middle of the street and go

9:11

go home, go because they were like coming to

9:13

attack us, and I'd have to stand and scold

9:16

them and then they would run away. But

9:17

I had to be the autpha a boy. Was

9:19

that against my nature?

9:21

I also got to say this, yeah, and this

9:23

is a warning to all mothers and

9:26

children and brothers and sisters

9:28

and neighbors. Sure okay,

9:30

yes, very specific groups.

9:32

And if you don't fall into one of those groups, I'd like to give you

9:34

a hug. What's

9:37

happened?

9:38

Okay, here's my piece of

9:42

If you are a grown man living with your

9:44

mother and it's not because you have to take care of her and

9:46

your job is clown, you need to be turned

9:48

in because if it hasn't happened yet, it's about

9:50

to thank you forever.

9:52

If your job is clown.

9:54

Yeah, that's yeah, that's right, your job

9:56

is That's right. That's exactly.

10:01

I did. I did say that honestly, like I've

10:03

been living in this country for five years. Just clown,

10:07

clown you. This actually leads

10:09

perfectly into and are

10:12

my autographs please? Energy this week is actually

10:15

along these lines. It's about a ghost, okay,

10:19

a ghost that from like the nineteenth century

10:21

that I had heard about another podcast and then was addicted

10:23

to it and read more about. And this was

10:25

like a very sort of like you know that movie

10:28

The Witch, like very that energy

10:30

that era in New England. People were

10:32

spooked. It was witchy. This there

10:35

was a ghost that would visit this like family

10:37

who had this big ranch with horses

10:40

and all of this stuff, And the only thing

10:43

the ghost would do is they would

10:45

wake up in the morning and all

10:47

of the horse's hair would be braided their

10:50

tails.

10:53

So what I'm hearing is is this is an adorable

10:56

young gay.

10:56

Boy ghost, completely

11:02

fabulous.

11:03

And they would even like sleep in the same the family,

11:05

like sleep in the same room together to make sure like no one was

11:07

doing this. No, they couldn't never catch

11:09

it. It was like and it was like a haunted.

11:11

That's a really fun goal.

11:12

Can you wake up and the horses would look? Why would

11:15

they done it?

11:15

Why wouldn't they give me a nice friend?

11:18

Exactly?

11:18

Honestly, if I could pay a ghost to

11:20

come into my hair, do a nice girl

11:23

girl every night, do like a beachy

11:25

like a like like my time, are

11:27

you crazy? If I could harness a ghost

11:30

like aspiring hairstyle, I.

11:31

Was actually with you, and that

11:33

that ghost could not find

11:36

his true self as a human. Sure

11:38

it wasn't gonna happen,

11:45

especially if, especially if you were gay, or a

11:47

woman, or actually anything other than a white man, yea.

11:49

A child, a neighbor.

11:51

Yeah, yeah, it was hard for everyone.

11:54

He went into that afterlife. And he was like, you

11:57

can't shut down those ghosts.

12:00

Ranical goes out of hair. You

12:02

can't shame me now, Earl

12:04

exactly.

12:09

Yeah, guess what I'm going

12:11

to make this horse look fabulous?

12:12

It would breid this and

12:16

tail imagine and many horses. I

12:18

mean it was like a human couldn't do this in a night, not

12:21

to mention the horses, Like, wouldn't kill you.

12:23

Now if you were if

12:25

you want to have a ghost to like jizu up

12:27

at night every night, what would you have them to do in your house,

12:30

to your to your home, to your.

12:32

Lock my fridge.

12:34

Oh I'm a night eater? Are

12:37

you a knight?

12:38

Years?

12:38

I am?

12:39

Have we were cross paths in Rhode Island.

12:41

In the night, maybe, except you

12:43

were probably dressed in twenty five coats

12:45

and five Remember sometimes

12:47

puend the summer together at her brother's brother.

12:51

She does this thing where she just instead of like maybe

12:53

putting on something warmer or whatever, she just

12:55

keeps adding clothes. Yeah, so

12:58

wearing like a shirt like a

13:00

sweatshirt over a jacket over another jacket,

13:02

Like I am right now, it's like this sort of thing which I love,

13:04

like this like this.

13:06

Oh it works though, like this.

13:08

And this gardens are real insomnia.

13:12

Right now.

13:13

She does that thing like if she has to wake up. We

13:15

had to catch a flight, so I had to wake her up in the morning.

13:17

Yeah, she does, which I do too. By the way. She

13:20

does that thing where you knock on her door and she pops

13:22

up like she's been up for hours and it's just not the case. She

13:24

like tries to fake.

13:25

You out and I'm like, good morning.

13:26

Yeah. She's like, hey, how's it gone, And I'm like, yeah, I know.

13:28

You don't have to do that for me.

13:31

A single tear.

13:34

I'm fine. My man friend says, because

13:36

he's an early bird and he he

13:38

caught like he's like mourning arden.

13:40

Is this?

13:40

I love good morning.

13:43

It's like you're receiving company to

13:46

say good morning.

13:47

I woke up recently trying to have

13:49

that energy with my little dog who

13:51

was sleeping with me, and she kind of like came up

13:53

here and was looking at me, and I wanted to say, oh,

13:56

my child, yeah like that, but what came

13:58

out was night Yeah. Did

14:00

she like yes, she was kind of like not

14:03

feeling slowed, but she

14:06

got nervous.

14:07

Yeah, you know what I love. Yeah, when

14:09

I had a dog coming home and

14:12

just you know how they do that like bashful

14:14

wag at the beginning, like their ears are back

14:17

and they're like they can't I can't

14:19

eat them alive, and.

14:22

Squeets me at the door, and she stands

14:24

on her hind legs and she stands up like a

14:26

dog when I walk in, and she's gonna smell my far

14:28

ahead. Do you

14:30

have no autograph? Please nominee or two or

14:32

course I do please.

14:34

It is yeah,

14:36

all of the birds in my neighborhood,

14:39

and I'm going to tell you about them. I

14:41

come outside one day there is a little bird

14:44

maybe five to six inches tall, sitting

14:47

looking very dazed on

14:49

my outdoor table. And spoiler

14:52

alert, we got a lot of birds of prey in the area, big

14:54

guy huge. I

14:57

live in the valley, okay, but wild.

15:00

There was a few right near the reservoir that are

15:02

literally feels like it's tarodactyl.

15:06

They're huge.

15:07

Oh and at the time, May she rest in

15:09

peace. I had a four pound dog named Peaches, love of

15:11

my life. But they would they would circle,

15:15

and I would constantly, like a mad woman, just be like,

15:17

don't you try it, Yeah, don't

15:20

you try punch a hawk. I'm

15:22

not afraid.

15:23

I wish you could punch a hawk.

15:25

Nothing better than I would

15:27

love to walk down the street just like that woman screaming at

15:29

the birds again.

15:30

Yeah, superstar ladies punching a.

15:32

Hawk again, which

15:34

is ironic because that character was obsessed with birds,

15:37

and I feel like now I'm being hated. So

15:39

this little bird, I was like, I can't leave this bird

15:41

here because the hawks. It was getting to be dark, and it

15:43

was like the hawks and the falcons are gonna come and they're gonna eat

15:45

this bird. And there it was something off

15:48

about it, you know. So I brought out a little tiny

15:50

thing of water and it let me get close.

15:52

I put it.

15:52

Down and then and then it went like waddled

15:54

over and starts to drink, and I'm like, oh gosh. And then

15:57

I go back in and I get some bread crumbs and I

15:59

put those down and it's start.

16:00

It's to eat, and I'm like oh.

16:01

And I sat in silence watching

16:03

over this bird without exaggeration

16:05

for an hour. Sure then I'm like, well,

16:07

it's not going anywhere. I'll make it a home.

16:10

So I go in, I get a box, I get yes,

16:14

and I make this little bed for it, and I put it beside

16:16

it, and then I sit down and then the bird turns

16:18

and looks at me and swoops

16:21

at my eyes. Flies with

16:23

the force of a thousand

16:25

men. Just came at me, chased

16:27

me into my home.

16:28

That is terrify.

16:30

It was absolutely, bitch, I'm

16:32

trying to help you. Trying to help you.

16:34

Then very quickly to tell you why. It's the

16:36

whole community of them, because it's not one another

16:39

one. I came and it was

16:41

probably like I don't know, like a hawk or a falcon. It was at

16:44

least a foot high, sitting staring

16:47

two feet from my sliding that door, at

16:49

my dog inside, staring

16:52

literally in the and then looked me in the

16:54

eyes. And I looked in the eyes

16:56

and was like.

16:58

It come out here, expect it.

17:00

Long story short, The final piece of

17:03

this story is I go out one day. What's

17:05

in front of my house? Yeah, a dead

17:07

hawk, same size, no

17:10

blood, no trauma, just

17:13

laying in front of my home. And I'm like, this

17:15

is a message. They're sending me, a message,

17:18

the bigger hawks.

17:22

And so since then I was like, okay, I guess I can't.

17:24

I haven't yelled us since and you know, I haven't seen

17:26

them around.

17:27

I gotta tell you, you got to know when to back

17:29

off your fight with it.

17:30

Afterlife, birds y talk to each other.

17:32

They do, they do. They are communicator brilliant.

17:35

What are you talking about?

17:36

They do? They can because what they'll here's

17:39

okay. I have a friend who

17:41

one time put a crow in a pillowcase. He was four,

17:43

but he like caught a crow.

17:44

Your friend was for a holida you thirty two.

17:46

Exactly hang out all the time. No, he was

17:48

probably like six, but he caught a crow and like brought

17:51

it in his house. He was like a latchkey kid.

17:53

His parents were working whatever. He brought a crow home in a pillowcase.

17:57

You, No, it wasn't. But then he

17:59

had no adding, I wouldn't get

18:01

in the miracle.

18:02

It sounds a little bit like it's like, yeah, okay.

18:05

No, So he loved Danny.

18:08

So no, it was I loved. So

18:12

he put the bird in like a makeshift

18:14

cage or something. He looked out the window. There

18:16

were like a thousand crows,

18:19

a murder of crows, a murder of crows

18:21

staring into his window.

18:23

So, like that movie The Birds is real.

18:25

They hold funerals. Did you know this.

18:27

They're like brilliant crows.

18:28

They can do math, they can do like something

18:30

like second or third grade masters.

18:32

They're like so smart, hold

18:34

funerals. What do they do?

18:36

I read this whole thing. If one of them dies, they will

18:38

all gather to like pay respect.

18:40

But also again, don't cross them.

18:44

You can borrow with them. You can

18:47

make deals with them. Did you know this? If

18:51

you leave things for them, like food and stuff

18:53

like that, they'll bring things back as like a thank

18:55

you. And then if you up the food, they'll bring nicer

18:57

items like they understand the concept.

19:01

They understand like bigger and better.

19:03

Then they'll bring you something the understand.

19:05

You scratch my back, I'll scratch you.

19:06

Or if I had to have a superpower, if my

19:09

Marvel character, yeah, my character

19:13

would be I would be able

19:15

to summon a bird and have it attached to someone's

19:17

head. Oh, I

19:19

would say, like birds in flight, land

19:22

in that hair.

19:22

Yeah, I'm like, catch me like

19:25

an executive that's like not interested at

19:27

like peacock exactly.

19:28

I would be like the bird, you.

19:30

Know specifically, I

19:33

mean it's a bird. Well, okay, my not AUTOGOSTI

19:35

dominated this is just this is like a

19:38

little minor nominee, and

19:40

I've nominated this person before. This person

19:42

is myself. I'm just

19:44

as reminded as you were talking. I might

19:47

have done this before you tell me. And because

19:49

I have other nominations. I was

19:51

hiking at Chris Pack with my

19:53

friend Chris, and it was really hot

19:55

one summer day and we were going up

19:57

like a trail and there was a

20:00

rattlesnake and I was

20:02

terrified. And Chris has brought me,

20:04

like when times were leaner, she brought

20:06

me and her like with their family. She brought

20:09

me to like Berlin. They brought me

20:11

to Mexico. She let me when I lived in New York,

20:13

she let me like stay in her beautiful home for free,

20:15

in like this gorgeous little apartment for months.

20:18

So so like Chris has really taking good care

20:20

of this, very nice. So we're hiking up behind her

20:22

house and we come across

20:24

this rattlesnake and in a moment,

20:27

I'm afraid. I see the rattlesnake and

20:29

my instinct it's

20:31

not rattling, but it's big and it's

20:33

messing, and it's across the trail

20:35

and it's hot, and my mother

20:38

nature takes over and I take

20:40

Chris, and I shove her at

20:42

the snake between me and the snake. To

20:45

protect myself.

20:46

And this is a minor nomination. I just

20:48

feel like.

20:54

To protect myself by giving them

20:57

Chris, I sacrificed

21:00

is I pushed her at the snake between

21:02

us. I pushed Chris at the snake.

21:05

She could, I

21:08

literally was. I also then started laughing

21:11

so hard because I couldn't believe

21:13

what a true piece of I

21:16

cannot because that was like not pure

21:18

lizard brain was like, oh, I'm going

21:20

to shove you between it. For sure.

21:24

I shoved Chris

21:26

at the snake.

21:27

Well, yeah, that that qualified, It qualifies.

21:31

I was not going to be my nominee.

21:33

I will never go on a ke with you.

21:35

It's hot.

21:38

If it wasn't hot, maybe you wouldn't have reacted that way,

21:41

No snake wouldn't be out.

21:43

Ultimately, it was what you're missing, is it was the.

21:45

Snake's false Yeah, of

21:47

course it was. Now when it's hot, I

21:49

mean, can you imagine

21:53

because she could.

21:54

Have been bit of course that's scary.

21:56

And she's been nothing but generous and gracious.

21:58

Do you have personally insurance? Yeah?

22:01

Okay, oh

22:03

these are the times. These are the times you think about

22:05

it, you know what I mean.

22:06

Could you go into Canada,

22:08

Yeah, and just you could just tell the doctor,

22:11

hey, I'm here to charge.

22:12

My friend pushed me at a snake.

22:16

Yes, and no, you have to have had residency for six

22:18

months, okay, Yeah.

22:19

But you could yourself go in and say,

22:21

this is what's happening. If I see

22:23

a bill, I'll light it on fire. So jokes

22:26

on you, Like, they're not going to bill you.

22:28

I mean they will. They will bill you if you

22:30

were Yeah, if I went right now and

22:32

whatever, they would bill me. But the other thing to remember, too, is

22:34

that the prices are cheaper, so you

22:37

know, there's also like you want to.

22:38

Essentially the sisters just better there.

22:41

It's really good.

22:41

It's really good. That's why people you never see a bill

22:44

ever normally, So if you're living in

22:46

Canada, billing doesn't exist at

22:48

all.

22:48

I went on a trip as a child with an American

22:51

doctor who I believe went

22:53

to med school in France, and

22:55

we were at a cabin and Vermont. But

23:00

I remember he was out chopping wood

23:03

and uh, there was like a padlock

23:05

and it was like, very cool.

23:06

This sounds and heed.

23:12

He took the pad lock and he stuck

23:14

it in his mouth, and

23:16

then the lock attached

23:18

to his tongue and then he had ripped

23:20

the tongue in the lock with his tongue

23:23

off of it, and then he put fluffernutter

23:25

on to stop the bleeding. Is

23:27

that no autogra entertain one hundred

23:29

percent?

23:30

Absolutely?

23:33

What are someone who

23:35

felt like he was defying the science

23:37

of how locks work?

23:39

And I would say he's got the stuff?

23:42

Can I get his number?

23:43

Yeah?

23:43

I was just gonna say.

23:46

My brother broke his arm as a child

23:48

and we drove over to their house and he wrapped

23:51

He used a shingle from his roof

23:53

to be like a and he wrapped it and my brother had

23:55

so many splinter splinters all on

23:58

his like like it like they

24:00

distressed real behavior to

24:02

New England.

24:04

Yeah, it's akay. Picture it's all just duct

24:06

tape for a for to feel search.

24:09

You could you could picture that, I can it

24:11

is.

24:11

It is a Raskally group.

24:12

But I love Okay, great, So obviously

24:15

we're gonna it's what happens in our podcast because

24:17

it's a natural flow going

24:19

into going into our

24:21

next segment. We're gonna take a quick break. Yeah,

24:23

and when we come back. Lauren, You're

24:26

not You're not even gonna believe this. Brian

24:29

Safie and I, Yes, we go. We improvise a date,

24:31

a first date, and it has done well

24:33

of course, and our listeners every

24:35

week. These are real lines. We do not

24:37

want the context out of context. Our

24:40

users have submitted these lines

24:42

that have been said to them in real life on

24:45

dates. And when you hear this sound, that

24:48

means you're about to hear a real life

24:50

line that was it out loud to a fellow human

24:52

being, a listener of this podcast.

24:54

You know all we need from you, or if you have a girlled cheese

24:56

handy, you could just bring it out when

24:58

you hear that sound now.

25:00

But what we need from you? I

25:02

would like the name of maybe two people

25:04

you grew up with, or two people from your past. A first

25:07

and a last name for men, it

25:09

could be a first and last name for Brian. What is my name?

25:11

Your name? Meredith

25:14

Rose Bush A good beauty.

25:17

I'm jealous of that name.

25:18

Yeah, I just made it up.

25:20

It was Brian's name.

25:22

Mm hmmm, I

25:24

don't know why. Why does my brain go Alfred

25:27

Denver ad that's.

25:30

A soap opera.

25:31

Name's the location?

25:33

Oh yeah, I

25:35

somed not. Just like to keep it simple, Sophora.

25:38

I was thinking Starbucks.

25:39

Oh class, Starbucks.

25:41

Let's do it.

25:41

What city mo

25:45

It's

25:46

it's next to des

25:48

Moines. I couldn't get the city des Moines.

25:50

Moyin des Moines, Moyn

25:52

des Moines. Okay, when me come back, Meredith

25:55

rose Bush and Alfred Denver will

25:57

be a Moyne des Moines, Iowa Starbucks.

26:10

We return with Meredith

26:12

Rosebush and Alfred Denver and the monde

26:15

Moine Starbucks.

26:19

Alfred Meredith A,

26:22

well, you are very chic.

26:25

Oh well, you remind me of a serial

26:27

killer, but not in a bad way. Really,

26:34

I did notice you were wearing clown pants. I just

26:36

thought that the kids are wearing wearing

26:39

a clown.

26:40

I was a clown, but I got fired forty

26:43

minutes ago. Yeah, so I did rush

26:45

over from a clown job. Anyway, nice

26:48

to meet you.

26:50

It's wild that you're a clown. You

26:52

kind of give me cozy mom vibes.

26:55

I give you cozy. Is that a turn

26:57

on for you?

26:58

Yeah?

26:58

I just feel I just feel like you could tucked

27:00

me in with some chicken noodle soup and then jerked

27:02

me off under the comforter.

27:05

Did your mother did

27:07

you?

27:08

Huh?

27:09

No, nothing nothing, d Starbucks

27:12

high.

27:13

Someone peed all over the toilet. I hope it wasn't you.

27:16

It actually was me, so

27:19

I did. I I'm from my waist

27:21

down, I'm a clown. Okay, these pants

27:23

are sort of very you understand automatically.

27:25

Okay, so these.

27:26

I come from a long line of clowns.

27:28

You're kidding?

27:29

Who's your star?

27:31

Who do you? Who did you? Who was your

27:33

grandfather? Clown? Your your father?

27:35

Sparkles Sparkles Utah.

27:38

I don't know if you know this, Meredith.

27:41

Sparkles of Utah was

27:44

one of the It was a watershed moment

27:46

the first time he pulled

27:48

out his realize, ye put them back in and

27:51

then yeah, and then I.

27:53

Remember Glitter that haunted

27:56

me as a child. Listen, I

27:58

was breasted until I was like five, and

28:00

so I remember I was breastfeeding and I was

28:02

watching that and it was haunting. I

28:04

will never forget. I was just stuckling

28:06

on my mom's teeth. I had to be in kindergarten.

28:09

And then I said the aired that on TV.

28:11

That was spooky.

28:13

I gotta say, you've had quite a

28:15

life.

28:15

You know, thank you. I

28:17

I don't know.

28:18

If I meant it is a compliment. Oh listen,

28:21

I've never been to a Starbucks. Okay, Oh,

28:23

but I would like I'm just guessing just

28:25

from what I hear on the ads. Sure, a

28:27

Grand Mocha, Lensle.

28:31

Moca lent.

28:35

Corchata cream

28:38

vanilla okay, uh hot

28:40

for pay?

28:41

Okay please, Absolutely not

28:43

a problem.

28:43

I would like a red Pupil

28:47

Canadian iced

28:50

blended Trina Tino,

28:54

and I would like that with extra whipped

28:56

foam and sprung

28:59

plays.

29:00

You remind me of my ex. I've never wanted to

29:02

kill anyone more. Oh wow,

29:05

I just can't believe you brought up the spronk lays. I mean,

29:07

it's it's not that we don't offer them here, but

29:09

they're just they're tough, they're tough to make. It's

29:12

a bit of a it's a bit of a bee.

29:13

Your ex used to like sprunk

29:16

Clays or what what's all day?

29:17

Spronklays morning sprong Clay's

29:20

moon sprongklays.

29:22

He sounds really trendy, he was.

29:24

Yeah.

29:24

I just want to say, I'm surprised you

29:26

don't recognize me. You

29:29

had sex as my ex do you

29:31

remember.

29:32

Well, I totally fuck your brother

29:35

if you look anything like you say,

29:37

Wow, I'm just picturing you in like a short

29:40

man wig and I'm I'm aroused.

29:43

Wears. Let's go Okay, well I'll go to my

29:45

car to see the wigs. Cut to that. Okay,

29:49

so I for I forgot your WIT's right

29:51

on your tagh nonah

29:54

no nah.

29:55

Hey, listen, is it cool that I brought my friends?

29:57

I hear my friends here? Is it cool

29:59

that I brought my Is it cool that I brought my

30:01

friends?

30:02

I guess, but I don't have a lot.

30:03

Of time TV. Oh, my

30:07

friend Keikoko,

30:10

and then my final friend.

30:12

Trent did

30:15

Meredith? Trent? I guess I'll start with you. Didn't

30:18

Meredith tell you this was going to be a date because I

30:20

just sort of assumed it was just a one on one date

30:22

with me and Meredith.

30:23

Can I let you in on a little secret.

30:25

Yeah.

30:26

Money's just paper and only has value because

30:28

of society. I don't think about things in those

30:30

terms. I don't think about dates of being between two people. They

30:32

could be between a whole community of people.

30:33

Wow, I iron my money. You can do that, you know, because

30:36

it's made of cloth. Wow,

30:41

hang on, I don't need

30:43

to be badgered in this parking. I

30:46

believe what I believe, and I hear all of

30:48

you kids, all you children, you

30:51

and you and you and you and

30:53

you and you help me kicko

30:56

and you Kiko, you

30:58

think, Oh, isn't that so funny?

31:00

Isn't it so funny to do things

31:02

that our parents didn't do? Isn't that hilarious?

31:05

I do what my parents did, what I

31:07

do want my parents?

31:08

There were clownslic

31:10

Okay, well, listen, I'm cool with that. Donald

31:13

Trump isn't racist and he respects

31:15

gay people way more than Hillary does.

31:18

I want what the kind of facts.

31:20

Are on that I would agree. Keiko,

31:23

I gotta.

31:23

Tell you, I thought you were a Republican.

31:25

I am a Republican, but I like her philosophy.

31:28

I'm a very modern Republican, a.

31:30

Very Republican, but socially

31:32

liberal, of.

31:33

Course I am.

31:35

Have you decided if you want to sleep with me yet?

31:37

WHOA?

31:38

Yes? Sorry? No, no, that

31:41

was a slip.

31:42

I don't know what Okay, sorry,

31:45

no, go ahead? Is it cool? My

31:47

tooth just fell into my lap?

31:49

That's from the spronk l as. This is part of it.

31:51

Listen. She wants to kill her ex.

31:53

Okay, I know, do

31:55

you remember that my ex?

31:58

Do you remember?

31:58

I guess she wants to I've only had sex

32:01

with three people, so it's not the other

32:03

two.

32:03

I am a uti right now from fucking guys.

32:05

But I don't want to fuck guys anymore. I want to

32:07

fuck you.

32:09

Really. Wait, but I am a guy.

32:11

Wait a minute, will you watch me fuck this melon?

32:14

It's no, no, not Melon, and

32:17

she's.

32:17

Not at this Okay. I have some respect, no

32:20

love for Kicko. By the

32:22

way, I want

32:24

to Actually, what's your name

32:27

again, Meredith? I think you should put your

32:29

hair down because that's what the people want from you.

32:31

Really. Have you taken a Twitter pool?

32:33

I did. I took your picture. I showed it

32:35

to all your friends, right.

32:36

Guys, Yeah, yeah, gicko.

32:39

They all agreed.

32:40

Then I should put my hair down. Okay, it's very long.

32:42

Let me take it down. Will you hold on?

32:45

You're gonna have to hold on to it, okay, because it's

32:47

really coiled off.

32:48

My god, my hand's slipping right off at you for shampoo?

32:51

Yeah, okay.

32:52

Look, I was breastfed until I was like

32:54

five. My dad was a big home

32:56

video maker. And I'm in many of them grabbing

32:58

for my mom's boobs, including it my fifth

33:01

birthday.

33:02

Wow, do you think your

33:04

parents ever had an affair?

33:06

But let

33:10

me think about this, kik for sure, there's

33:12

definite there.

33:13

Yeah, I'm certain that mind

33:15

died with the neighbors.

33:16

Get us connected. You want

33:18

to go back in and order that drink?

33:19

Yeah? Do you want to go back to my place while I film

33:21

you for Twitch?

33:23

First of all, no, I want to go back inside.

33:25

Okay.

33:25

Second of all, you can film me for Twitch inside.

33:28

Okay.

33:28

Look, we could go do the movies. You could

33:31

open the back door of the theater and let me in.

33:33

I don't want to pay for a ticket.

33:35

I want to go pay for

33:37

some drinks. I came here to imbibe.

33:39

Okay, okay, okay, back.

33:41

In the Starbucks? Can

33:44

we order now? Please?

33:45

No, I was following you.

33:47

Oh you're right. I did invite you out there.

33:48

I know.

33:49

No, we order now.

33:50

We gotta make this quick because I have to leave after one

33:52

drink because I have a chicken breast in the fridge

33:54

that needs to be used.

33:56

How old is this chicken bread? D darn

33:59

o, you really shouldn't eat

34:01

old chicken bread.

34:02

How much do I owe you?

34:03

No?

34:03

No, well how much do I know?

34:05

How much?

34:06

No?

34:06

No, no, Well your

34:08

ragtag group of friends added some drinks

34:10

and and stuff.

34:11

Okay, money is no objecting.

34:14

Let me just take a look and.

34:15

Carry the couse. You definitely

34:18

do this old school.

34:19

Yeah, I'm reading six dollars and

34:21

fourteen problem for Alfred Denver.

34:24

I'm okay, Denvers?

34:27

Do you take? Do you take traveler secks?

34:30

We don't.

34:31

Do you take discover?

34:32

We do?

34:33

Okay, great, I don't have a discussion. Here's my discuss.

34:35

Oh my god, I have so many Discover points

34:37

right now. Yeah. I can win a car from

34:39

Alamo in like one more year. Yeah,

34:41

I'll be able to do it one night for you. It'll be great. Okay,

34:45

your thighs are beautifully marbled steaks. I want to say

34:47

that I saw you making our drinks, and

34:49

I gotta tell you.

34:50

You never you have not made me.

34:53

I mean, we've been connecting.

34:55

Okay. Look, I have nine cats that live

34:57

in my bedroom because my parents are allergic.

34:59

So if we're connecting and you're planning on

35:01

coming back, just know there's going to be thirty

35:04

six paws all over.

35:05

You cut to that house do

35:09

you have a roommates.

35:10

I have nine cats.

35:12

This is not a cat.

35:13

This is I am not a cat's

35:16

Pamela.

35:16

I never asked to live with the mind.

35:18

This is Pamela.

35:19

Pamela, you got brought into this situation that

35:21

she even asked if you wanted nine cats.

35:23

My pama be cool, Okay, all

35:25

right, Meredith, I'll be cool. Yeah, I don't

35:28

know. It's one of those things where it's like, I know, it's

35:31

probably for the best. It's like teaching me good live skills,

35:33

taking care of these animals and stuff. But I never wanted to sign

35:35

up for Liz.

35:37

I want you to wrap your spider legs around me.

35:39

White, Pamela.

35:40

I'm sorry. I'm a wourd dog.

35:42

I'm not on me. Look,

35:44

I don't feel like this is unding you.

35:47

I know, okay that my legs

35:49

may be skinny like spiders. I

35:51

wish I could go to the gym, but I have a large

35:54

cyst on my back so I can. Oh

35:56

my god, Pamela, what happened,

35:58

Pamela?

35:59

Did you slam your back? Can do a card?

36:01

That happened? Large cyst on

36:03

your back.

36:03

I'm a very sisty woman.

36:09

Yeah, that's terrible.

36:10

I got to assist in my brain. That's a true story.

36:13

Is that you should probably get a checked

36:15

out.

36:15

Did you know how did I know? Well,

36:17

I'll tell you how I knew. I was volunteering

36:19

at the Humane Society of the Cats.

36:22

One of them attacked me.

36:23

All right, you brought attacked

36:27

mid tins and the kittens

36:30

every day.

36:30

I am triggered by that Minton's cat.

36:32

I can't believe you would do that to Pamela. I

36:34

mean, I don't know her. I know you a little

36:36

better, but I would never do that taking

36:38

Pamela side because you brought a cat and that attacked

36:41

her.

36:41

Oh my god, that's the sexual tangent between

36:43

you two could get cut with a knife.

36:45

Really, Okay, have

36:49

you decided if you want to sleep with me yet?

36:51

I just feel like you could check me and with some chicken

36:53

noodle soup and then jerk me off under the comforter.

36:56

I want to circle back to that for a second.

37:00

So you want me to

37:03

Pamela get this?

37:05

You give me cozy mom vibes? Oh

37:08

okay, I love cozy mom?

37:10

Does what

37:13

do I want? Get it right?

37:14

I guess you want me to wear Here's what

37:16

I'm guessing clown pants, a shawl, yes,

37:19

a blouse.

37:20

Yes, a number one mom sweatshirt.

37:22

Clown pants, pants, mules,

37:25

sensible heel mules, and I

37:27

would assume you right. You want

37:29

me to make is the

37:31

chicken soup? Does it have to be like the homemade.

37:33

Stocks made with love

37:35

from Mama?

37:36

And then you'll jerk me off?

37:37

No, you jerk me off under the comfortable. Oh

37:40

that's how I speak now. And that's

37:42

all the girls are. You know what? It's sex

37:44

positive for ladies and moin all.

37:46

Right, it deal is the deal. But

37:48

if you don't shower and shave your legs every day, I don't

37:50

see things going further than tonight.

37:52

Well, what joke, said you? Because I have not showered

37:55

and shaved in the month of May, September

37:57

or January.

37:59

Let me tell you a little something. Please about

38:02

my roommate Meredith.

38:04

Give us some of that down home.

38:07

I hear about it. She's my yogurt.

38:09

You know women's stomachs look like Doctor Zoidberg.

38:12

Who is Dodberg?

38:15

I never thought you'd ask.

38:17

Don't care all about it.

38:19

Doctor Zoidberg is a man who

38:21

became very famous in the nineteen seventies. Okay,

38:23

Okay. He's got a very dumpy little

38:25

face, shrunched up, kind.

38:27

Of like you're smelling something bad.

38:30

He always has stink face, ye okay,

38:33

resting stink face.

38:34

Yeah, kind of reminiscent of like

38:36

a soft lady belly. But I

38:38

gotta tell you, even though

38:40

women's stomachs do look like doctor Seidberg,

38:42

I've never seen a woman's stomach quite like merediths.

38:46

Can you give us a little stumming?

38:48

Thank you?

38:49

Can I see your stomach?

38:50

Okay? Well? Will

38:53

you watch me fu this melon?

38:55

It's a nice show. I'm gonna be honest.

38:57

I just to say it twice a week. And I got to

39:00

tell you I would pay for a front

39:02

row.

39:02

All right? What kind of I

39:05

have? Listen in my trunk because I, of course I'm

39:07

a clown. I'm very I'm inspired by Gallagher, who wasn't

39:09

a clown but to me was so. I have all

39:11

kinds of melons ready to smash. So

39:14

is there do you want a water melon? You

39:16

know that? Auto? Okay? And what are you gonna

39:18

do again?

39:18

You're gonna a fuck Okay,

39:21

I'm gonna fuck it.

39:22

Okay, I have to be honest. I have

39:24

to leave because I have a chicken breast in the fridge.

39:26

That needs to be used to wait a minute, White, a minute, White,

39:28

a minute?

39:29

Tell us more.

39:30

You two just aren't communicating. You're not speaking

39:32

the same language, because if you were listening, you would

39:34

know the Meredith here asked for chicken noodle soup, and

39:37

it sounds to me like you've got

39:39

a chicken breast that absolutely needs to be.

39:42

My god,

39:45

Pamela, you

39:47

are brilliant.

39:50

I can't believes

39:53

laid out in front of me.

39:56

You should be.

39:59

Oh bro Winfrey.

40:03

The crystals I energized last night, warned me

40:05

about you trust me. It's a

40:07

good thing.

40:07

Oh my god, I'm so

40:09

glad we came back here.

40:11

Should we go get married in Kanada?

40:13

Yes? And I just need to get that. I'm not kidding

40:15

about that chicken.

40:16

I'm not kidding use it tonight.

40:19

I'm not what's gonna happen. I'm gonna go.

40:20

I'm not kidding about.

40:21

I get my Pamela,

40:23

do you mind if I come back Kara cook? My kitchen is filth

40:26

nasty.

40:27

Look I watched this woman fuck a watermelons last

40:29

a week. You are more than welcome here. Do

40:32

whatever you like.

40:33

I'm going to get my nearly old chicken.

40:36

I'm bringing you back here. I'm making a stock while

40:38

I'm cooking, just because time permitting, if

40:40

you could fuck the melon in the kitchen while I'm making

40:42

the chicken stock, and Pamela, if you could sort

40:45

of you know, cheer on it conscious

40:47

during and then also if

40:49

you could at any point, you know,

40:52

get some of the nasty out of the cyst,

40:55

just so we can all do this quickly because I do have to go.

40:57

Of course, Now, do you want to look

40:59

at my iTunes library kind of figure out what the

41:01

vibe is gonna be in here?

41:04

I'd like that.

41:05

Okay, let's see we have Steely

41:07

Dan, we have head Steely

41:10

Clan, we we

41:12

have nearly Men and cover

41:15

bands of Seely Dan.

41:16

I love Steely Dan.

41:18

See your favorite song of theirs? Please?

41:20

And she also loves Diary Street.

41:22

Yeah I do, I do.

41:23

I do.

41:24

My favorite Steely Dance song is a very

41:26

annoying it.

41:27

That's okay.

41:28

We're walking down the street

41:30

and we're talking about we're gonna

41:32

go, We're gonna be there, and I.

41:34

Knew right there and you were thelone

41:37

that we would get married, baby fs

41:39

fun because you had

41:41

that look in your right, and

41:44

I knew it wasn't just your style. I

41:46

knew he was gonna be together

41:48

forever, forever.

41:51

I'm steely Dan.

41:53

Yeah, that's

41:55

our song. That's our song. I

41:58

had the most lovely time.

42:00

This isn't my best date I've ever been on.

42:01

Me too. Would you like

42:04

to do this again? Sometimes? Yeah?

42:05

Go, I'll look at that melon.

42:08

That would be great next time. If you pay, we can go

42:10

somewhere nicer.

42:12

Thank you, and

42:23

we're back.

42:23

I don't want

42:27

We just perfectly

42:30

stepped in and.

42:32

Day Dan saw so great

42:35

sauce.

42:35

We were saying in the break, by the way that none of us could name

42:37

one. No, I have no idea what they say.

42:40

In my mind, they're Michael McDonald meets dire Straits.

42:43

Yes.

42:43

Now, first of all, how did you think the

42:45

date went and what was the worst line

42:47

that you had handed to you?

42:49

I I think the date went

42:51

really well. I was really happy to be there

42:54

playing the role of the mediator, really be

42:56

in the mirror to react back to you.

42:59

You know, so I think

43:01

that my favorite Okay, who is doctor

43:03

Zoidberg? First?

43:04

I don't know, I have no I was the

43:06

one who pulled that quote, and I have no

43:08

idea, Katie. Do you know who doctor Zoidberg

43:11

is? Is it from like Doctor Who or something?

43:13

I don't know. I'm looking listen look it up. I

43:15

think my favorite worst

43:17

line is I totally fuck your brother.

43:20

Oh yeah, that's pretty pretty

43:22

brutal.

43:23

But then I also just want to say for the person who said

43:25

I wish I could go to the gym, but I have a large syst on my

43:27

back, so I can't. I don't know that you

43:29

can't walk or run?

43:31

Yes, you got assist.

43:33

This is doctor Zoidberg. I never

43:35

watched Future.

43:37

It's like the lobster.

43:38

Yeah, man, what's

43:41

the what's the doctor Zuidberg line?

43:43

You know women's stomachs look like doctor Zuidberg.

43:45

Whoa?

43:47

But what was your most horrifying

43:49

line?

43:49

I for me, your

43:52

thighs are like beautifully marbled steaks is

43:54

really upsetting. I think that's like

43:56

Armie Hammer viruses.

43:57

Will you watch me? This melon was confusing

43:59

to I'm a

44:02

mask.

44:02

And also just the pure anxiety.

44:04

I could just imagine this drip of a

44:07

person who shows up on a date and says, can

44:09

we make it quick? I've got a chicken breast that's got to be used

44:11

tonight. That is almost unattractive

44:14

thing. I never heard.

44:16

Next time, if you're paying, where it can go somewhere late night,

44:18

sir, I cannot. What is a

44:21

bad thing? Do you remember any lines that you've

44:23

had said to you on date?

44:25

Okays?

44:26

Been on a million I've been trying

44:28

to partner in this city for ten years.

44:31

It's a disaster, a disaster. It's

44:33

really hard.

44:34

I feel like I have luck in every city but this one.

44:37

That's why I make you all should

44:40

any other city it's hard. I would be married

44:42

and.

44:43

Yeah, anyway, I think the ones that come

44:45

off the top of my head and

44:47

I won't give the context like this game now he

44:49

said, you must spill shit on yourself

44:51

all the time with tits like those.

44:53

No first night, first

44:55

date, first people. I

44:58

had a guy say to me, do you mind if I say

45:00

the S word? I said yes, I do, and

45:02

he's like series. I was like, well,

45:05

all right, check.

45:05

Please, that's awful.

45:06

Yeah, I always that I also have Yeah,

45:09

I don't think I should people don't.

45:11

I didn't like that.

45:12

I was like, he was awful.

45:13

But a man pick his nose and eat

45:15

it three times on a date? I

45:18

am dead serious.

45:19

So upset right now. I one time

45:22

a guy said you should spend the night. I can make you breakfast

45:24

if you don't mind brown bananas. Okay,

45:27

yeah, I think it was supposed to be a joke, but it

45:29

was so horrifyingly disgusting. Yeah, but I

45:31

was like, you know what I'm worth? You

45:33

are?

45:34

Yes, you are.

45:35

It's hard in La, It's terrible.

45:38

We're going to bake and chat and then but

45:40

while while I'm baking.

45:41

By that, I mean microwave for one minute, We're.

45:43

Gonna microwaving peanut

45:46

butter pumpkin dessert. That's That's so

45:48

Brian and I are trying to become lifestyle influencers.

45:51

I'm glad you included me in that sentence art and.

45:56

We have to be Do you want

45:58

to make this?

45:58

I don't. Actually do you.

45:59

Have any bad parents?

46:01

Removed?

46:01

Do I have any bad parents?

46:04

I've been removed from Bacon we think

46:06

you. I was removed not only by the producer

46:08

of the show, but by the

46:10

love of my life, Arden Marine.

46:13

I have been twice removed. We

46:15

are first cousins, twice removed.

46:17

Do you want to be the baker today?

46:18

I actually don't.

46:19

Okay, So,

46:21

so were you raised by wolves enough

46:23

that you could enjoy lazy Mosley

46:26

really summed it up in the

46:28

air of like diet diet.

46:30

I like this.

46:31

Oh yeah, I grew up extremely poor,

46:33

so I have a feeling this is gonna be right up.

46:35

My we don't know how to cook. We're both

46:37

like basically last cute orphan raccoon.

46:39

Yeah, and we're also have like monster

46:42

sweet tooth, late night little sneaks,

46:45

and then we want to fit in our pants.

46:47

I don't know this one has been rating this new

46:49

kid, this is I do?

46:50

Okay, great.

46:51

I used to date a couple of personal training you're

46:54

you're well aware of.

46:55

Now what were their political beliefs? I

46:57

have also dated a personal trainer and it was were

47:01

they were they fringe? The once I dated,

47:03

I not even dated. I hung out with a few

47:05

times. I realized like, oh, you are like

47:07

full qano, like there's something to me, there's

47:09

a connection. But those things, that's fine.

47:11

Mine were not. They were actually quite liberal.

47:14

Let's good.

47:14

Yeah.

47:14

I dated one he said he was

47:17

moderate. We all know what I means. Yeah, Flag,

47:20

it's completely you know

47:22

what it felt.

47:23

I felt.

47:23

I felt like what I kind of realized after

47:25

was that I feel like he was almost fetishizing,

47:29

like, oh, how how sweet

47:31

this dumb liberal woman is?

47:33

How cute?

47:34

Like it was like it was almost that.

47:35

That's all very that's very like male

47:37

writer es. They always tell stories

47:39

about a guy who doesn't know what he wants

47:41

and he meets this wild liberal

47:44

woman. You know what I mean exactly

47:48

Like I feel like that's what you really just.

47:50

Eyeball that there, Oh, there's

47:52

nothing when they see my

47:54

first goat.

47:55

We used to rate this cake on a scale of

47:57

one to ten until someone give it a zero, So now it's zero

47:59

to ten. How did you bring this specific? Can

48:01

me to show cameras, but

48:04

this specific cake, Warren, I will be honest with you.

48:06

The last few it's been ten,

48:08

before that nine and before that nine and a half.

48:10

Wow, this one is on point.

48:13

Okay, Well, I had listened back

48:15

to some of your earlier episodes where there

48:17

was some concerns about the sweetness, So I brought

48:19

something that could make it sweeter.

48:21

Gret, which is, oh my

48:23

gosh, fruits.

48:26

That's exciting.

48:27

That's a sealed box.

48:29

Yes, that's for you.

48:30

Yes, love like that. I

48:34

love shell like that.

48:35

I love fruit loops. And when I saw that they had married

48:37

them to a lucky charm by adding marshmellows,

48:40

it's everything you wanted to be.

48:42

I agree with you. I also love frut lips,

48:44

and I also love lucky charms.

48:46

Yes, you look.

48:47

I was raised by a man who gave himself diabetes.

48:50

Have you noticed that egg? Have you noticed

48:52

that the lucky charms didn't stop.

48:53

Beating, didn't stop beating sweets died,

48:56

just jamming shots in his belly with

48:58

like fucking like literally, his entire

49:01

midsection was blue because he kept eating cat.

49:03

Now that looks like doctor Zoidberg.

49:05

That is a full doctor Zoidberg stam. Oh

49:07

my god, I gotta tell you. I don't know if anyone

49:09

has clocked this, and maybe you can discuss this on

49:11

your troop. Smells good, oh

49:14

man, smells like smells

49:16

like two smart words, a way of

49:18

getting smacked across the face.

49:20

That smells good. That sounds

49:23

like childhood, Like

49:25

Mom's tom. Mom's tom is gonna

49:27

be all right?

49:28

Yeah, that's like Mom's home. You're

49:30

only supposed to have one snack Wells and you had twenty.

49:33

I would drink drink, I would eat three

49:36

heaping bowls of cereal in the morning. Didn't

49:41

need it.

49:41

Just pumping children?

49:43

Oh yeah, for sure, two

49:46

bulls would probably have done it. Is the other thing? Why

49:48

the third one?

49:49

Are you kidding me? Literally, when

49:51

I used to be a real late night

49:53

snacker and it was always sweet, I was like, you

49:55

know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna buy cereal because really

49:57

all I want is ice cream, but better to eat able of sere.

50:00

The problem is

50:03

is that one bowls there's

50:05

no leftover. You're gonna put more in. Then you got too much

50:07

that they get an add milk.

50:09

The list of things I can buy is

50:11

so limited me.

50:12

To the Freshman fifteen is not from beerds

50:14

from the cereal bar and.

50:16

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember that.

50:18

Oh god, Lauren, Yeah, what's your

50:20

self care routine?

50:22

Watching you? It's

50:26

the best thing I've ever seen. This

50:29

is a show for me.

50:30

I love it. I got it. Not too much of the peanut

50:33

butter, though, I think, or

50:35

not too much of that pumpkin I oh

50:38

god, okay, I got it, Lauren. Can I tell you? Can I be honest with

50:40

you? Can? I love it with you? I

50:42

was told three times

50:45

that I could no longer make this cake. And by

50:47

the way, the secret is I don't want to, but

50:49

I can still be offended about it.

50:51

That's your prerogative.

50:52

And here's what I here's going to be my pitch for the

50:54

next true crime. What

50:56

are they doing to the Lucky

50:59

Charms Leprechaun

51:03

Scarier. I'll show you.

51:05

I'll show you, and I would I would love everyone

51:08

to hop online and look at this evolution

51:10

for yourself. But there is such

51:13

a domber vibe to him now that

51:17

I truly like, something's

51:19

happened, is all I'm saying, And he looks.

51:21

I want to cover this. So sometimes on our Patreon, I

51:23

will do Disney movies as

51:26

true crime, so I report on them as true.

51:28

Crime cases, like we give an example.

51:30

That's so it would be like, you know, like Ariel's

51:32

father domineering, you know, like these

51:34

kinds of things, you know what I mean, And like I talk about

51:37

like all of the grit but I

51:39

think that maybe tackling the Lucky Charms Leprechaun

51:41

could be on there.

51:42

This isn't even the worst one. It just happens to be

51:44

the most recent. But it's

51:46

not good. I mean, it's it's there's something,

51:49

there's something real one percent about him

51:52

wowser.

51:53

While the eyebrows.

51:54

Oh, that's where they're sucking up, is the eyebrows.

51:57

He looks like he's on meth. Like he looks like he's

51:59

like I could conquer the completely.

52:01

No, and there are others of him that are truly

52:04

She wanted to know something insane. I just heard

52:06

to Jennifer Aniston movie or interview with Howards

52:08

Jehmer. She said that doing Leprechaun was a mistake.

52:10

And I'm like, oh, why are you even saying

52:13

that or talking about you weren't working? Like, of

52:15

course you did it.

52:16

What's a mistake about it?

52:17

Nothing?

52:17

What's a mistake about friend?

52:19

And yes, it was a terrible experience. And she's like, oh,

52:21

some staks was a terrible experience. There's they did not

52:24

Yeah, I guess her career really suffered.

52:26

Was the lead?

52:27

Yeah?

52:28

Yeah, It's like, well, what the hell he.

52:29

Supposed to do the lead?

52:31

Did you know? There was also a series of Leprechon movies where

52:34

they'd put him in space, for example, Leprechawn

52:37

in the Hood was another one.

52:38

I remember that my words, not mine, No,

52:40

no, no, I remember that. But just for context, this is

52:42

what he used.

52:43

To look like a little kind

52:45

of horrible a little a

52:47

little nymph, a little pixie.

52:50

And I'll tell you else. If we're gonna talk, Cereal, let's

52:52

do marry fuck kill. I already know who I would

52:54

fuck.

52:54

I can't wait.

52:55

Okay, I would fucking marry Tony the Tiger, no,

52:57

full stop, the absolutely, the absolute.

53:00

Take a punch for you.

53:01

Okay about the burglar one? Is

53:03

it there a burglar?

53:05

Cris? Oh yeah, yeah, Chris,

53:08

Okay, Mary fuck kill to can't Sam?

53:10

Wait? Look at this?

53:12

Yeah?

53:12

Look at that?

53:13

Yes, look at this?

53:15

You can't Sam? Tony the Tiger?

53:17

Yeah yeah, yeah, Count Chocula

53:20

Okay.

53:21

Mary fuck killed Count Chocula. Tony the

53:23

Tiger to can't Sam?

53:24

Well, first of all, you can't kill Count schoculay

53:28

kill him?

53:29

Okay, he's out of the picture. Tony

53:31

the Tiger to can Sam?

53:33

Captain Clinch, See,

53:36

I'm killing too, can Sam? Even though

53:38

that beak feels like it could do the trick?

53:40

Yeah sure, yeah yeah?

53:41

But why did Why did

53:43

I have to do that? That is vile? That

53:46

is what I'm being single in LA for ten years

53:48

does to you?

53:49

I could do

53:51

the trick.

53:52

I'm turning into an old gross uncle anyway.

53:55

Uh, this is tough because I think Tony the

53:57

Tiger feels like he's a little more wholesome

53:59

to me, like he's seems like more of like a family man.

54:02

Captain Crunch feels like he's a full lander,

54:04

you know what I mean every part.

54:07

Yeah, I think I Captain Crunch and

54:09

I marry Tony the Tiger.

54:10

I know he's the He's the guy I will say

54:12

this about. I don't know if the to can't. Sam

54:15

has always had this. I mean, he

54:17

basically has a pride flag right on

54:19

his snout. Do you think that's for June?

54:23

Do you I think it's like secret we are grooming

54:25

them. You know, you think it's like starting

54:28

breakfast. You gotta start.

54:32

He's given me. That is true.

54:34

That's a good pride flags, beautiful

54:36

gadget.

54:37

You know what, he should make him a gay

54:39

icon.

54:40

Absolutely bring him, make him

54:42

the Grand Marshal.

54:44

That's good.

54:45

It's actually a really good idea.

54:46

A good drag. It could be a good drag person.

54:49

I want Fox News. I want Fox News

54:51

to know that to Kant, Sam is absolutely

54:53

grooming your children. Put that out there. He's a

54:55

gay icon.

54:56

He's a gay icon.

54:57

He's doing the work.

54:58

Think about this he's like in a Conston state of party.

55:00

He basically comes from somewhere tropical all the time.

55:03

By the way, he calls himself a fruit. You

55:06

know what I mean.

55:08

Look look at how that's spelled. Fr we're

55:12

talking about.

55:12

He's a couple of balls up there.

55:14

Oh yeah, yeah, that's the gay agenda right there.

55:16

Oh my god, I can't believe it. Wowser,

55:20

that looks so good.

55:22

We cook this for a minute.

55:26

First of all, that that's your first question about this.

55:29

You're gonna love what My next day was gonna be what

55:31

I want to try this at home?

55:32

That's right, So I love this idea from

55:35

the top. You want the top.

55:36

Oh yeah, don't go to the bottom. We learned that. Sorry,

55:41

sound like Donald Duck. Oh wow,

55:44

wow, I mean you gotta just look

55:46

at how gorgeous the color.

55:49

The color Listen, it's so good.

55:51

Here's what I'm gonna say.

55:52

It's so good.

55:53

I didn't expect it to be that good.

55:56

Again, I have listened to some episodes where I'm gonna

55:58

be honest to do the reviews.

56:00

Great Town Parents.

56:03

I don't know about your parents, but they had a situation where

56:05

they had, like the fully stocked fridge.

56:06

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, they weren't. They weren't cobbling things

56:08

together, going back voluntarily.

56:11

For we alas finish it.

56:13

Whether you finished expected to get so caky.

56:16

I want to get a marshmallow in there too. I

56:18

think the kids the cereal maybe is fighting against

56:20

it. But I think the marshmallows really work. It's

56:23

kind of like the marshmallows on like a sweet potato

56:25

pie.

56:25

I'm gonna I need a marshmallow. Oh,

56:27

I need a marshmallow.

56:29

Honestly, I think if you made this and

56:31

we just picked out just the marshmallows

56:33

and put those in, that's a ten out of ten, I think,

56:35

honestly.

56:36

The only thing.

56:36

I don't even want to take the point off because I think, again, my cereal

56:39

is what is.

56:40

What lowered it?

56:42

You know what I mean? It was worth

56:44

it alone to know that there's representation

56:47

in children's cereals.

56:49

Look, I did my part today.

56:50

Okay, you did zero

56:54

in here.

56:56

I'm going to give it a nine and a half only

57:00

because only

57:02

because I hope to then have it again

57:04

and it's perfected at that point.

57:06

You know what I mean?

57:07

I want to I want another shot, understand, you.

57:09

Know what I'm saying now that you've had it, now, I

57:11

mean, now that you get.

57:12

The base exactly I want it. I want

57:14

to have somewhere to go.

57:16

Lauren ash you are an absolute

57:18

dream. You are the fucking funniest person, so

57:21

wonderful, such a pleasure.

57:22

What would you like to promote?

57:24

What I'd love to promote, of course, is my podcast,

57:26

True Crime and Cocktails. It's streams everywhere. It's

57:28

a whole lot of fun. And of course my

57:31

single. Now you can

57:33

stream it everywhere Spotify, Apple Music,

57:35

you can buy it on iTunes and Amazon and music.

57:37

And let me tell you a little something. Those purchases

57:40

go so far in the music world, really

57:42

wild. Please do it's I

57:44

appreciate it the support very much. It's only ninety nine

57:46

cents. And what I keep saying to people is that's good karma. You're

57:48

buying yourself doing karma, Lauren.

57:52

What you're doing is

57:54

you're buying someone a

57:56

fifth of a cup of coffee. You know what I

57:58

mean, Lauren, for once.

58:01

Thank you very much.

58:02

I agree with you, and I think too.

58:03

You know, it's like we come from we all come from the era

58:05

of you know, if you liked music, you bought it, or you

58:07

made each other mixtapes and stuff. I think

58:10

ninety nine cents is reasonable.

58:11

Would you prefer I do it from Amazon or Apple? Either

58:13

one?

58:14

iTunes is great, but either way, either

58:16

way, whatever is easy for you.

58:17

I'm gonna do it, Lauren, And people

58:19

can follow you're online.

58:21

Instagrams, Laura, Elizabeth ash

58:23

that's the only one that really matters. Oh, in TikTok TikTok,

58:25

Laurena.

58:26

Great, fabulous, Lauren.

58:28

What would you like to promote?

58:30

I have a show in London July fourteenth

58:33

at the King's Place Theater. You can go to my

58:36

instagram for tickets to that.

58:37

Yeah, oh it's no big deal, huge deal,

58:39

Bury the.

58:40

League excuse me in

58:42

London? And then you can always

58:44

watch nine one one on Hulu, and of course my other

58:46

podcast Attitudes and Fuck and Askrona.

58:49

My other podcast Beleeks if This Rose is back

58:52

up and running. But then, more importantly, you've

58:54

ever wanted to see me host a cooking show as

58:56

an animated Chef's hat, Secret Chef

58:58

is up on Hulu and it's it's so cute, it's so

59:01

fun. You should go watch it right now. It's from David

59:03

Chang and the people who created nailed it. It's

59:05

super fun. And then I'm

59:07

on Marvelous.

59:08

Nissus masl love it amazing.

59:10

Oh and by the way, this this is our penultimate

59:13

episode. This is

59:15

your chance. We want to get picked up.

59:16

For us Zi Babes.

59:17

Go on to Apple podcast. Yeah,

59:20

click a five star, go down and hit

59:22

rate and review. Say leave a comment here

59:25

we have five stars. Here come the Pretzels,

59:27

a new favorite. It's hilarious

59:29

and silly. Brian and Arden and

59:32

a guest have a chat, improvise a

59:34

scene, and close with a wild cooking

59:36

segment. It's the New Today Show.

59:38

PD nineteen eighty two says, I have no idea

59:40

what's happening? Five stars. This is an amazing podcast,

59:43

but I honestly have no clue

59:45

what is happening. They talk fast

59:47

to make me laugh and oddly make me feel

59:49

better about myself.

59:51

I mean, honestly, if that's what it is, if

59:53

we could just beam up ball, some people

59:55

can feel better about that. I'm here for this five

59:57

stars. Completely unhinged SPA.

1:00:00

Brian's rendition of don't go Break

1:00:02

in My Heart had me crying at

1:00:04

work. Almost impossible to

1:00:06

follow an episode, but in the best

1:00:08

way.

1:00:09

Lemise says, utter insanity and love It.

1:00:11

Five Stars, a weekly fever dream in three acts,

1:00:14

identify the week, snap all Stars and improvised

1:00:16

state using line submit of I reo people, and

1:00:18

the creation of what can only imagine is the most horrendous

1:00:20

mugcake on Earth. I love it. Never want Brian Norton

1:00:22

to stop. Five Stars.

1:00:23

Here's one big autograph's energy

1:00:26

five stars from Jewels Slash Austin. Arden

1:00:28

and Brian had me from the jump

1:00:31

at the Dump.

1:00:32

I love it. And this one's from flog Stoff

1:00:35

Love It five Stars. I woke up

1:00:37

with the theme song in my head and I have no regrets.

1:00:39

Oh my God, mark the themes.

1:00:42

But here's another one five stars, Peanut

1:00:45

Butter in the House. This is a weird

1:00:47

show. I'm not sure if Arden and

1:00:49

Brian have just finished a bag of coke at

1:00:51

the start of each episode, but

1:00:54

be prepared for. I've never done cocaine,

1:00:56

but be prepared for. Maybe I should start

1:01:00

both of them talking mile a minute.

1:01:02

The first two third of the episode is always

1:01:04

good, and then they make their guests try

1:01:07

an awful something, but

1:01:11

miwrave cake, the guest always

1:01:13

hates it. I'm not sure why they do it.

1:01:15

But I'm still listening, so I guess they're doing

1:01:17

something.

1:01:18

It honestly feels like we have trapped

1:01:21

you all.

1:01:22

This is Mexican's list,

1:01:25

dude. They're like, I don't know why.

1:01:28

I keep Everyone's like, I can't

1:01:30

stop, don't I don't even know

1:01:32

what it is? Am I making

1:01:34

it up? Am I the only one who knows

1:01:36

me? Is this only happening to me?

1:01:38

I feel like it's like the equivalent of like

1:01:41

how people feel when they're starting to like the

1:01:43

cake.

1:01:43

I'll say this though, talk to me. Everyone

1:01:46

talks about what a fever dream it is. Everyone

1:01:48

does need to know that I am shut down

1:01:50

the rest of the week. Oh my god, I leave

1:01:52

it all on this table, honey.

1:01:54

I mean that's you know. It's funny because at tennis

1:01:56

today, our cult leader said, where's

1:01:59

Brian. I was like, oh, he's quiet. He has

1:02:01

to be by himself in nine twenty three and a half

1:02:03

hours a day. And he's like what, I'm like, Brian's

1:02:05

an introvert. He was like, what are you talking about?

1:02:08

I was like, you know, my beautiful baby boy, baby

1:02:10

b No, no, no, he's you have

1:02:12

to leave him alone.

1:02:13

This this is me, and this is you to an extent.

1:02:15

I'd like to have the most fun and then I like to go

1:02:17

home and ja quiet, be quiet. That's

1:02:19

it, quickly, all right, Please keep

1:02:22

submitting those reviews and we love them and we

1:02:24

love you.

1:02:24

You guys, Thank you so much for being so generous

1:02:27

and so just descending

1:02:29

in what's been said to you. These are the real

1:02:31

life people who sent in the lines. If you want

1:02:33

to submit your real lifeline, send them to naps

1:02:36

pod, the number one at Gmail or

1:02:38

the podcast at naps pod just dm

1:02:41

us. My lines this week are

1:02:43

from lursh Bacchus, pearl

1:02:45

B twenty seven, JB,

1:02:48

Colin Dupue, Jesseme,

1:02:50

Fitzpatrick, E Cornbread,

1:02:53

Tiffany Schnell and Morgan I've.

1:02:55

Got Ones from Katie Maxa April,

1:02:57

Sarah Schofield, Missing Trobic, Alana,

1:03:00

Kate Courtney, Little Shop twenty four, Sleep

1:03:02

Universe one one one, Casey, Meghan,

1:03:04

Jackie Landis, Ali Schwartz, Starry

1:03:07

at All, c M rollins Beck, Meghan

1:03:09

c not Plath, Michael Stevens,

1:03:11

Exto, Fur Ali Pole,

1:03:13

Bangs, Awareness, Love That, spab

1:03:16

brumsn Ambo and Sugar

1:03:18

Tony.

1:03:19

Oh my god, that's so great. Keep

1:03:21

sending in your one liners at nabspot

1:03:23

one at gmail dot com. And thank

1:03:26

you Will Ferrell and Big Money Players and iHeart

1:03:28

for having us on.

1:03:28

I would like to see their time cards.

1:03:30

Agreed, Agree to agree?

1:03:31

I need to sign off on the agree to agree?

1:03:34

Who are you wareing? Will

1:03:36

there be press to Alan

1:03:39

Fabi?

1:03:40

Honey, yeah, gotcha.

1:03:43

And bray a hearing Last

1:03:46

the b Podcast.

1:03:50

But Honey, no, no, no,

1:03:52

no please we

1:03:54

live in and Leclammon Lifeleck celebrities.

1:03:58

And sharing up phoebe

1:04:00

Fit recipes.

1:04:01

But I'm in.

1:04:02

No no, no,

1:04:05

no autographs.

1:04:08

Manager, I

1:04:11

got no autograph.

1:04:12

There no autograph