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1:40

Thank you so much. Woo!

1:42

Hi, and welcome to Normal Gossip.

1:48

I'm

1:50

Kelsey McKinney. In each episode

1:52

of this podcast, we're gonna bring you an anonymous

1:55

morsel of gossip from the real world.

1:57

I am so excited.

1:59

have with me today is Zakia Givens.

2:02

Zakia is an award winning story editor,

2:05

podcast host and writer based in

2:07

Brooklyn. She's the host of a brand

2:09

new super fun and juicy reality

2:12

dating competition podcast called hang

2:14

up the best way I can describe it for the listeners

2:16

who have not listened to you absolutely should

2:18

is that it's like what if love is blind and the bachelor

2:21

had a baby and then that baby grew up

2:23

to be like queer as hell. Yes,

2:26

Zakia welcome to the show. Thank you

2:28

for being here. Oh my gosh. Hi

2:30

Kelsey. My heart literally cluttered

2:33

during that intro because

2:35

I cannot believe this moment has come

2:37

where I can be a guest

2:39

on normal gossip. I love the

2:41

show. I love the vibes is very much my

2:44

vibe to the space that

2:46

the fact that at the top of our call you

2:48

gave me permission to be messy. I say

2:52

less please say less I am

2:54

here for exactly that. So

2:56

thank you for having me. I'm so happy you're here.

2:59

I think the two of us may be trouble today because we

3:01

recently went to like a conference and people

3:03

were asking both of us how we are on

3:05

mic and we were like,

3:06

I don't know you just like flirt with the guests.

3:08

Yeah, I'm just like just just be a vibe just

3:10

yeah, just flirt and people

3:12

are like, um, anyone else in the room

3:14

have to

3:15

like, oh, let's see. How are you? How's it going?

3:17

Oh my gosh. I'm one of those people

3:19

where

3:24

if you ask me how I am, I'm going to give you the honest

3:27

tea. Great. I'm doing right now

3:29

very excited and grateful to be here with you. But

3:32

also huge but so a

3:33

huge

3:35

but literally. But

3:38

that's neither here nor there. But yeah,

3:42

okay, I'm feeling a bit flustered

3:45

and I was

3:47

gonna say disgusted. I don't think that's too strong of

3:49

a word. Okay, but not I

3:51

mean, maybe a little morally disgusted, but I'm just like,

3:54

I really have no words to tell you how I'm feeling right

3:56

now. So I'm in LA right

3:58

now. I'm based in Brooklyn. I was

4:00

like, let me go out to LA, have

4:02

a cute two weeks, get

4:04

a cute Airbnb, see

4:07

what that life is like, like really cosplay

4:09

as a bi-coastal baddie. Yeah, get some juices,

4:11

get a sun. Exactly.

4:15

Drive with your windows down. Exactly,

4:17

that was the plan. Got an Airbnb

4:19

with two of my homies right around the corner

4:21

from our other friend. Cute. Yeah,

4:24

so cute. So I get to Airbnb

4:27

and I've been talking at taking a shower the

4:29

whole time, being like, ooh, y'all, I cannot wait

4:32

to get home, take a shower,

4:34

smoke some weed, settle into

4:36

bed,

4:37

all

4:39

moisturized and clean. Yeah. And

4:41

so I go into the bathroom and

4:44

I start to disrobe, I pull up in the shower

4:46

curtain and literally,

4:49

right as I'm about to put my delicate

4:52

little foot into the bathtub,

4:55

I recoil.

4:56

No. What's in there?

4:59

Not just like one stray hair where

5:01

they miss something, or

5:04

like caught in the drain. It

5:07

was a dry tub, full

5:10

bush worth of pubes.

5:12

No. Full bush

5:14

worth, full ball sack worth

5:16

of pubes. No. Wrinkled on

5:19

the bathtub floor, on

5:21

the edges, as if I could picture someone lifting

5:24

their leg and taking a razor.

5:27

You should not be able to picture that. That's

5:29

too much. And I literally

5:32

had to take a picture of it because I was like,

5:34

oh, I'm a channel my Karen. I am

5:37

filing a complaint. I feel

5:39

righteous in this. I literally

5:41

almost vomit. And I

5:44

stupidly went to wash

5:47

my hands, and I'm like, okay, well at least

5:49

the towels must be clean. There's a fucking

5:51

washing machine dry right there. No. And

5:54

honestly, I feel really stupid for this. I brushed my

5:56

teeth as well. And so I wanted to

5:58

dry my face. I dabbed the corner.

5:59

in my mouth? No.

6:02

PUBE! NO!

6:04

PUBE! On

6:07

my hands and mouth! No!

6:12

No, no,

6:13

no, no, no. Like, what's happening

6:16

here? And I know they

6:17

were pubes, because we know. Yeah, you know.

6:19

I mean, I knew they were pubes,

6:22

which like, no judgment. But why

6:24

choose

6:26

to be like, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna

6:28

shave my ball sack right before I have guests come over.

6:31

Like, and not clean up. Yeah. Yeah.

6:33

And so I'm sleeping in bed. I couldn't

6:35

sleep that night. I was like, trying to levitate

6:38

off the bed so I wouldn't have to touch the

6:40

linen. I usually I like to sleep on my side,

6:43

but I was like, I don't want these pillowcases touching

6:45

my face. I use my own hand as a barrier

6:47

so that my face skin wouldn't touch the

6:49

pillow. But I'm like, now I'm gonna break out. I

6:51

need to buy more Stridex. Are they gonna reimburse

6:54

me for the Stridex? No, of course they're not. They're

6:56

not. They're not. Me and my friends had

6:58

to fight Airbnb support now.

7:00

And the hosts had the audacity

7:03

to try to make this our fault. It's like,

7:05

sir,

7:06

those weren't my pubes. These were your pubes.

7:09

Also, you have photos that are time stamped.

7:11

So like, and also

7:13

based off the ethnicity of me and all my friends, you

7:16

cannot connect

7:17

these pubes back to us. That

7:19

is not our curl pattern, okay? Like,

7:22

it's not a pube.

7:24

So

7:24

I so how I'm doing, I'm feeling

7:27

grateful to be here

7:29

grateful for our friend for housing

7:32

us while we find a new Airbnb.

7:35

But I am also feeling thoroughly disgusted and

7:37

I'm choosing to be a Dululu

7:40

girly and just lie to myself and be like, none of that

7:42

ever happened. There were not stranger

7:44

pubes in my mouth and on my hands. It

7:46

just didn't happen. I salute

7:49

you. Braver than the troops. Incredible.

7:52

It was so harrowing. Kelsey

7:55

sounds harrowing. I kind of like

7:57

not to give away. the

8:00

whole podcast today, but I am sorry,

8:02

but we are going to kind of like get into that kind of trauma.

8:05

So I just need you to like emotionally and

8:07

physically prepare yourself.

8:18

Normal Gossip is brought to you by Progressive, where

8:20

customers who save by switching their home and car

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8:48

Let's get into it. Ooh, let me get like settled.

8:50

Let me see my water. Yeah, settle better. Let me get

8:53

story time. My

8:55

first question for you is like, which

8:57

holiday do you think has the best like setting

9:00

standards for like a horror movie?

9:03

I mean, I feel like the basic answer

9:05

is Halloween because that is when

9:08

drama and like the real

9:10

world is an acid trip. Okay. So

9:14

my argument is that I think the like

9:16

spookiest, most horror primed

9:18

holiday is Thanksgiving.

9:20

Ooh,

9:22

say why? Okay. It's

9:24

like actually fall, winter

9:26

is coming. So you're like, death is all around

9:28

me. It's a like deeply

9:31

racist and scary holiday

9:33

that has like a ton of bad vibes.

9:36

It's the worst travel days of the year and

9:39

like family can be hard. Yes,

9:42

I agree. I feel like Thanksgiving

9:44

has, when you're speaking of it in terms of horror,

9:47

what's coming to mind is kind of like mid summer where it's

9:49

like visually it's gorgeous and it's

9:51

spring and it's like, but there's like this like

9:53

eerie undertone that quickly

9:56

switches to an overtone of like, oh my

9:58

God, I must get the fuck out of here. Thanksgiving

10:00

has the same vibe where it's like, oh, things smell like

10:02

cinnamon in the fall. The

10:04

leaves are on the ground. We're all wearing sweaters,

10:07

but there's this impending doom that no

10:09

one really wants to name until it's too late.

10:11

Okay, so this is the vibe. Like

10:14

Thanksgiving doom and dread. Okay.

10:18

Oh goodness. Is there like anything

10:20

more terrifying to you than meeting

10:22

like a significant

10:23

other's family for the first time?

10:25

Oh, my goodness. So

10:28

I've done that once in my life,

10:31

but I did meet my college boyfriend's

10:34

parents and let me make it clear,

10:36

they are so lovely. I

10:38

really like them. Oh, this doesn't have to do with the parents. Yeah.

10:40

Yeah. But it was still like that doom of

10:43

like, where are they gonna think of

10:45

me? Where they're like wasps

10:47

from Vermont. I am me from Atlanta.

10:50

Yeah. And I was like always feeling like, you know, I'm in staying

10:52

in their house and like, I'm just,

10:54

I'm looking over my shoulder and like

10:56

they're just so waspy and different

10:59

energy. I felt like I was always not

11:01

because of them, but I felt like I put the pressure on myself. I was

11:03

always on edge of like, oh

11:05

my gosh, does the fork go to the right

11:08

or to the left? Am I doing this right? It's just that

11:10

internal tension. But with having the

11:12

face of like, oh my gosh. I'm so

11:14

happy. I'm Mrs. Johnson.

11:17

It's because you're having me while I am screaming

11:19

on the inside. Yes. Okay. So

11:22

that, we have now set up the story for today.

11:24

That's it. I read screaming on the inside,

11:26

feelings of terror. Oh my gosh. Okay.

11:29

Got it. Very relatable. Been there. Our

11:31

friend of a friend today, his name is Noah. Noah

11:34

has like been in a lot of relationships that

11:37

got to the one year mark and then died.

11:40

Okay. And he was like, he can't figure out why,

11:42

right? Like he's like, I don't understand why I keep like getting

11:44

these girlfriends that I like, like serial monogamy

11:46

land. And then we get to the one year

11:48

market. It like doesn't continue. They break up with me. So good

11:51

for Noah. He gets a therapist. He spends

11:53

a lot of money and what he is a therapist

11:55

come to the conclusion of is that these

11:58

girls that he's dating can't imagine. their

12:00

future with him.

12:01

Like he's creating a situation

12:04

in which they can't see it going further. And

12:06

he's like, but I do want

12:09

a future with someone like I want to get married,

12:11

I want to have kids, I want these kind of like traditional

12:14

things to happen to me and my future. But

12:17

you know, the apps are a nightmare. Okay,

12:19

I get it. So he hits the mark where he's

12:22

like, I'm done. But he's like, I still want to

12:24

date. So what Noah decides

12:26

is that he is going to start saying yes to everything

12:29

his friends invite him to he's like, Shander

12:31

Rand's year of yes shit.

12:32

Yes, we love a yes and

12:35

being open. Yes. Okay.

12:37

But this kind of like yes and behavior

12:40

is how he ends up at like a one man

12:42

three

12:43

hour show with one intermission.

12:45

Okay, wow.

12:47

The vibes of this show are like that

12:50

scene in Girls where Marnie seems

12:53

stronger. Oh, I

12:55

was

12:55

just actually rewatching girls. So this is

12:57

very like salient for me.

12:59

Oh, my God. Okay, you could not

13:02

cringe harder at the intermission.

13:04

Noah is like, you know what, maybe my

13:07

year of yes needs to end. Right?

13:09

Like he's like, maybe this is it maybe

13:11

no more yes. So he goes outside

13:14

and he's like, you know, I'm gonna hit my vape a little

13:16

gonna have a little weed feel a little

13:18

better. And who does he meet but Sydney? Okay,

13:21

Sydney. All right. Sydney. And Sydney

13:24

is like, what

13:25

do you think about the show? And

13:27

Noah's like, you never know when you're

13:29

talking to a performer. You never know

13:32

when you're talking to someone who knows a performer.

13:34

So he's like, you

13:37

know, I've, I've never seen anything

13:39

like it. It's very dramatic

13:41

meets him right and it's like, I

13:44

hate it. I think it's bad. Right? Like and

13:47

then she's like, Hey, I have these gummies.

13:50

Would you like to have one? And Noah

13:53

is like, you know what, maybe one more? Yes. He's

13:55

like, yes, I will have a gummy. Then they

13:58

stand out there, you know, chatting, getting dabbing,

14:00

hitting it off for like five minutes. And Sydney

14:02

is like, do you wanna not go back in

14:04

there, just like play hooky from

14:06

this whole thing? And Noah's like, yes

14:09

again, yes. Ooh, this sounds

14:11

cute. Like this sounds like, very cute. If this

14:13

were me, if I were Noah in the midst of this, I'm like, is

14:15

this my love story happening right now?

14:18

Yeah. It just feels, it's just, this

14:21

is such a cute, me cute. I love it. I'm

14:23

like, you wanna get outta here? Like

14:25

when that happens, like- Rare. You

14:28

have to say yes. You have to see where it goes.

14:30

Yeah. So Noah does. And then we're

14:32

gonna zoom forward because

14:34

they date for like a year and a half ever

14:37

since. Oh, cute. So

14:41

that is the setup of this little relationship.

14:43

Okay. I would like to ask you now about

14:45

a different kind of relationship, which is what is

14:47

your relationship with weed? Oh, I am

14:50

a big time stoner. I

14:52

smoke every day. Not

14:55

all day, every day. So I feel like I can't call myself

14:58

a stoner, I partake

15:00

heavily. I always travel with my, for

15:02

me it's phone keys, wallet vape. I

15:05

love being high. Yeah.

15:08

I'm a weed girly. Okay. So

15:10

you and Noah are like soul

15:12

sisters here, right?

15:13

Noah is like, I don't think that

15:15

I can consider myself a stoner, that's not my

15:17

culture, but I love weed. And he

15:19

has like, you know, one of those fancy cigarette

15:22

cases to keep his pre-rolls and

15:24

he has like a heavy grinder. Yes.

15:27

This is like the kind of guy he is. All

15:29

the accoutrements. Yeah. No, he has all the accessories.

15:32

Okay. I love that. An artisanal stoner.

15:35

And Sydney's vibe is like

15:38

smoking hurts my throat. I only eat

15:40

edibles. Okay. Okay.

15:42

I had a moment where I, so

15:45

I've smoked weed for like years and

15:48

then the pandemic hit. And

15:50

then, you know how people are,

15:52

I mean, this is like a very

15:54

privileged

15:54

thing to say, but like some people are like, my

15:56

pandemic purchase, I'm

15:59

just going to buy. I'm gonna

16:00

buy a treat for

16:03

myself to make me feel better.

16:04

So

16:07

like my pandemic purchase

16:10

was this huge iridescent

16:13

bong that I named Princess Mononoke.

16:16

Oh my god. And

16:18

I smoked it every

16:20

day. And naturally I have

16:23

a raspy voice, but I was in the

16:25

fucking pandemic. I'm like, I deserve to be high all

16:27

day every day. So I was hitting this huge bong

16:30

for two years. That was your best friend. Every

16:32

day straight. Literally my best friend. We

16:34

would

16:34

literally, we would literally be

16:37

snuggled with her on my chest

16:39

like a little puppy like sleeps on my chest and I would

16:41

just gurgle gurgle gurgle while they're watching

16:43

you know. And like that was my best

16:45

friend. But then I realized like, oh this

16:47

is like really impacting

16:49

my voice. This is my ability to

16:51

breathe. Yeah and I'm like it's literally my

16:53

job to be on mic. I need to have

16:55

a voice to gummies

16:58

because I'm just like I'm a professional. Like

17:00

my voice is my instrument. I need to be

17:03

careful with this God given instrument.

17:06

So then I did become a gummy girly. But so

17:08

I go between both. Okay.

17:11

Both. I'm both. I love

17:13

that. I am verse in all the

17:15

ways and I'm verse with this. You

17:17

know, I like both.

17:20

Okay. So as a couple,

17:23

they are like don't usually

17:25

smoke or like have weed together. Right? Like

17:28

it's kind of like an independent time activity unless

17:30

something stressful is happening. Okay. And

17:33

then they are like, okay it's time for

17:35

us to like calm down and

17:37

debrief and like we will

17:38

have these edibles together.

17:40

So they are having these edibles today because

17:42

Sydney's mom has called and

17:45

she wants them to come home for

17:47

Thanksgiving.

17:48

Okay. So it is like

17:50

done done done time to meet the family. Okay. So

17:53

as soon as like they got the

17:54

call, they're like,

17:56

where are the animals? We got to

17:58

decompress from this. Okay.

17:59

Yes.

18:00

This is Noah's like first time meeting the family,

18:03

right? So he's like, I need the edibles.

18:06

And her family lives in this kind of big

18:09

house in a medium sized southern city.

18:11

So they're like, we don't want to sleep there. That's too

18:14

small. So for Thanksgiving, they need to find a

18:16

house that's big enough that like everyone

18:18

can fit in it. Because Sydney and Noah

18:20

will be there. Sydney's mom and stepdad

18:23

will be there. Sydney's little sister will

18:25

be there. And her stepbrother is bringing

18:28

his new girlfriend. So

18:30

they've got all these people coming and they need to find

18:32

a house. And so they're going to search for a house, you know, on

18:34

a service where you can find houses that you might rent.

18:37

Do you have an idea of what we could call this

18:40

service that they're going to look the house

18:42

up on? Okay, okay, okay, okay,

18:44

okay. I was

18:48

gonna say home for you. Honestly,

18:53

I love that. Okay. They went on home

18:55

for you.com. They go on home

18:57

for you.com to try and find a like,

19:00

couple day rental that they can have Thanksgiving

19:03

at. Okay, do you trust parents

19:06

to find a good home on home

19:08

for you? No. I

19:11

say that with I and I feel like such

19:13

a brat for saying that. Yeah, you know, you're looking for you're

19:16

looking for any signs that

19:17

there might be, you know, pubes in the bathroom. Right.

19:20

Yeah, exactly.

19:21

But I guess I didn't do a good enough

19:25

job of that this time around. So

19:28

Sydney is the oldest daughter. And

19:30

so she has a bossy streak. And

19:32

she is like, Mom, you've

19:35

done you do so much for us as

19:37

a family. What if I looked

19:39

for the listings?

19:41

And the mom is like, you know what, okay, like, here's

19:43

our budget.

19:45

Noah and Sydney are thrilled about this. Because

19:47

now for Noah, he's like, I get

19:49

to meet these people on like, neutral

19:52

ground. Yeah. But they

19:54

start looking. And there

19:56

is like nothing like everything

19:59

they find. It has like not enough bedrooms

20:02

or a small kitchen or it only

20:04

has three bathrooms

20:05

or it's like ugly and the

20:07

mom doesn't like it.

20:08

Okay. But one night the mom sends over a beautiful

20:11

home for you listing like home for you listing

20:13

to end all home for you listing. Oh my

20:15

gosh. It's in a fancy neighborhood.

20:18

Okay. Okay. In the like

20:20

Appalachian foothills. Okay. So gorgeous

20:22

nature, trees, mountains,

20:25

wraparound porch, photogenic.

20:28

Oh fuck yeah. It has a

20:31

huge kitchen with like a giant

20:33

island like Nancy Meyers who? Yes.

20:36

Okay. This sounds very lovely.

20:39

Five bathrooms. Nice. Plenty

20:42

of bedrooms like light better than

20:44

the Vatican. It is like in the price

20:46

range. Oh hell yes. The

20:48

mom is like, do you think we should book this? And

20:50

Sydney and Noah are like book it right now. Yes. Immediately.

20:54

There's no question. Noah, I would feel

20:57

on top of the world. I would feel, I

20:59

would be like, oh my gosh, my

21:01

prayers have been answered tenfold.

21:04

I'd be excited by all

21:06

the space. It sounds like it's big enough

21:08

that you can kind of slink away and get some slow

21:10

decompression time and no one would really notice

21:13

that you're gone. It's kind of acceptable.

21:15

Be like, I'm going to like check out the porch or like walk

21:17

around the foothills of the Appalachian. You know

21:19

what I mean? Like it seems like they're not

21:21

going to be on top of each other. It's

21:24

a beautiful, comfortable space. When you're in a beautiful,

21:26

comfortable space, you can be your best

21:28

self. You know? So I'm very

21:30

relieved on behalf of Noah. Okay.

21:33

Mom books the house. We skip ahead

21:35

in time. Everybody in the family has

21:37

like a pretty crowded schedule. So the way they're planning

21:39

for this to work is that everyone will arrive in

21:42

the early afternoon on Thanksgiving. They

21:44

will cook Thanksgiving dinner. Wait, everyone

21:47

is arriving on Thanksgiving

21:49

day. Listen, that's when the house

21:51

is

21:51

available. Uh oh. Okay.

21:54

Anyways, go on. Go on.

21:57

Okay. Everyone else in the family. and

22:00

his girlfriend and the parents and the daughter can drive

22:02

to this house. Because it is like within

22:05

a reasonable driving distance. Sydney

22:07

and Noah have to fly.

22:10

They decide to fly very

22:11

early Thanksgiving morning.

22:13

So because their flights are early, they have to

22:15

pack the night before. Which

22:17

puts us at a little bit of a question

22:19

mark as Noah. Which is,

22:21

do you bring weed

22:22

of this family trip? Oh

22:24

my gosh, okay.

22:27

And like, do you bring like a whole kid of weed?

22:29

Do you bring tinctures? Do you bring pre-rolls?

22:31

Like what do you do

22:34

here?

22:34

This is, I have a lot

22:36

of experience

22:37

with this. Because

22:39

like I said, I'm a phone keys wallet

22:41

vape type of girl. And

22:43

especially with, I love my family. I wanna make it clear.

22:46

And we always have a great time. But like sometimes you know

22:48

you do need your

22:50

solo decompression time. You need just like

22:52

a little toke. Just be like, a minute. I've

22:54

never felt comfortable traveling

22:57

with like actual flour. You

22:59

know, I don't do that. But I have friends who do

23:01

that. More power to them. But just my own

23:04

comfort levels. I'm gummies and

23:06

vape when traveling.

23:08

Okay, so here's how Noah sees this situation.

23:11

He's like, pros of bringing weed are,

23:13

my vape pen is small.

23:15

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

23:16

So it's easy. Gummies are small. It'll

23:19

calm me down. Thanksgiving

23:21

is an eating holiday. Yeah. So

23:24

this is helpful. Also we're gonna be in this

23:26

beautiful place and I wanna frolic in the

23:28

field. And you know Sydney's younger

23:30

Gen Z sister may think that this is

23:33

cool. And they could earn me points

23:35

with Charlotte. Right? Cons,

23:38

the state they're going to, it's illegal

23:41

at this time. Okay. And

23:43

he wants to make a good impression.

23:45

See this is where I'm chaotic. I'm

23:47

still bringing it. Cause at the end of the day, I'm gonna do me.

23:50

You know what I mean? Okay, so does

23:52

it change your mind though to know that the

23:54

step brother Mason is like uptight

23:58

kind of right wing.

23:59

declare you an enemy

24:01

if he finds out you have weed on you. Oh gosh.

24:05

I'm still bringing it.

24:08

I'm gonna do me. Like I

24:10

want to do it. I'm gonna do it. But I would be

24:12

like extra, but that's like another reason to

24:15

bring the carts in front of the vape and

24:17

the gummies because with flour, there's

24:19

no hiding that you take. Yeah, they're gonna smell

24:22

it. This is your first disagreement with

24:24

Noah is that Noah is like invested

24:27

my future, deny myself

24:29

my like dreams and happiness for

24:31

what I want long term I choose not

24:33

to bring it. Oh my gosh, Noah,

24:36

but on the way out the

24:38

door to the airport, Sydney's like you have your pin

24:40

right? Like did you pack my gummies?

24:44

And Noah's like no, I'm trying to make a good

24:46

impression on your family and Sydney's like but

24:48

what if I need it? I would be so

24:51

pissed if I were Sydney and be like how the fuck dare

24:53

you to find me in my medicine. So

24:55

this is how Noah ends up in route to

24:57

family

24:58

Thanksgiving with a vape pen and a pen

25:00

of gummies.

25:05

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26:18

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26:20

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26:22

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26:24

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26:27

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26:29

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27:39

Their travel goes fine. A miracle.

27:41

They take off bright and early. They get to the

27:43

house in their rental

27:44

car around noon.

27:46

There is only

27:48

one car in the driveway when they get there and it is

27:51

a big

27:51

pickup truck.

27:53

So they're like Mason,

27:55

the stepbrother. Yeah, I was gonna

27:57

say pickup truck is giving

27:59

Mason.

27:59

before

28:01

they're even like fully parked

28:03

in the driveway, Mason and

28:05

his

28:06

girlfriend are like coming out of the house to meet them. Wow,

28:09

okay. Hyper vigilant older

28:11

sister, Sydney is like, do

28:13

they look upset to you, Noah? Do

28:15

they seem upset?

28:17

And Noah is like, I have literally

28:19

never met these people. Like how am I supposed

28:21

to know? He's like,

28:23

they look normal to

28:26

me. They are just walking towards us. I

28:28

cannot get their energy yet. But

28:30

you know like when you're in a car with someone in there

28:32

stressed, you're like, oh, the vibes in here are

28:34

suddenly bad, right? I'm concerned.

28:36

Oh God.

28:38

So now he's nervous. He like parks the

28:40

car. He's like, these people look normal. I

28:42

don't know what she's talking about. He's like trying to hype himself

28:45

up. He gets out. He like hugs

28:47

Mason's girlfriend Anna Mae because she hugs

28:49

him. Okay, okay. But

28:52

Mason goes in for that like weird handshake

28:54

that straight men do where they like pat you on the

28:56

back of the shoulder. Yes. And

28:58

it's so weird to see them do that. They'll do

29:00

like the, put it there. Pat,

29:02

pat, pat. And then like the next person they hug

29:04

is like a woman. They like, And they're like,

29:06

it's so soft. And

29:07

they're like, yo, y'all

29:09

are doing too much. Relax.

29:12

Exactly. This gender performance,

29:14

it's out

29:15

of control. It's out of control.

29:17

Mason does this little like handshake

29:19

shoulder pat situation with Noah.

29:22

He steps back and he goes,

29:23

deadpan.

29:25

It smells like marijuana.

29:28

What? How? They

29:30

just got off the plane. They weren't smoking.

29:33

No, Noah starts freaking

29:35

out. He's like, did my vape

29:37

pen get smashed or something? Like

29:40

does the smell live inside my

29:42

pores and hair? Like he's

29:45

like trying to smell himself, right? Like

29:47

while he's like trying to manage the situation. And

29:49

he's like, he's like, I don't, I don't know what you're talking

29:51

about. Like, I don't think, I don't think that I smell like weed. Like,

29:53

do you think that I smell like a marijuana

29:55

to Sydney? And Sydney smells

29:58

him and it's like, no, you smell normal.

30:00

And Mason's like not you dude

30:02

inside. Oh,

30:04

phew. Okay, if I were Noah, I'd be like, oh,

30:06

thank God. I'd be relieved

30:08

that the target is not on me. Oh my gosh.

30:11

Because like what a way to start the trip. They're not even

30:13

inside that house. They literally just closed

30:15

the car door and to be already accused. Okay,

30:18

wow. Yeah,

30:20

that's also good because it's

30:22

already like it's literally throwing

30:24

off the scent. Mason's scent.

30:26

He's already directing it elsewhere. Not

30:29

Noah and Sydney. So I'd be like, okay, this is actually

30:31

working in my favor. They

30:34

won't suspect

30:34

me because

30:36

it was already there. Yes, Noah's

30:38

like so relaxed by the fact that it's not

30:40

him that he like forgets who he's talking

30:42

to. And he's like, how do you know what weed

30:44

smells like? And he doesn't

30:46

need it like in a mean way. Like he really

30:48

wants to know because Sydney has like briefed

30:50

him that

30:51

Mason is like the kind of person who's always sending articles.

30:53

That's like weed is laced with

30:56

fentanyl and is a gateway drug and you know, da

30:58

da da da one of those. Yep. And

31:00

Mason's like, I have self control. It doesn't mean I live under a

31:02

rock. So now it's like yikes a

31:05

clock, right? Everyone is

31:07

dressed. Why Mason? They

31:12

go inside and

31:13

sure enough, it like

31:15

reeks of reefer.

31:17

Like it is so pungent

31:20

walking through the door that Noah's like, this is

31:22

crazy.

31:24

The house is like the same as the

31:26

photos, right? Like it's clearly the same house, but

31:29

it's like

31:29

slightly off, right? Like

31:32

the whole place is kind of dark. There's

31:35

like some weird things that have been added to

31:37

the walls, like a taxidermy thing

31:39

and like a kindle blade and like it smells

31:41

like a frat house. Oh,

31:44

okay. Then that's not cute. Can you

31:46

describe the smell of a frat house?

31:48

Oh, my gosh. Oh my goodness. Just

31:51

shitty, cheap, watery beer.

31:54

Like I'm imagining a dive bar, but

31:56

at least the smell is kind of part of the immersive

31:59

experience. Yeah, I mean so you kind

32:01

of like allow for it Also

32:05

like imagining you know smell

32:07

like when you go into a pet smart or petco

32:09

and it's just like that general like animal

32:13

Like like they're like the kitty

32:15

litter like all the dried up stuff

32:17

that is used that they all like frolic and

32:19

like ferrets I know I'm just like channeling when I was a little

32:21

kid where my favorite thing to do was to go to pet

32:23

smart And play with

32:25

the ferrets.

32:26

That's how I spent my childhood. Oh,

32:28

yeah

32:30

But I'm like I'm imagining it

32:32

to smell like pet smart like yes, that's

32:34

like Exactly, right

32:36

and it's like all of that plus

32:39

like

32:40

the vague scent of like

32:41

Clorox wipes Right

32:43

like someone like kind of tried.

32:46

I'm

32:46

imagining like

32:49

Hawaiian ocean. Yes

32:52

It's

32:54

like

32:54

you a breeze

32:56

No, like that actually

32:58

made it worse because now

33:01

it smells like pure shit and

33:03

like yes Someone just like dropped a flower

33:05

puddle in here like that's not doing anything and now

33:07

it's just sweet and savory Yes,

33:10

so breeze smell. Okay, so that's the

33:12

situation got it Nathan's

33:15

like you guys go to that room and

33:17

Noah's like, okay great So he's like

33:19

I'll take the bags to the room and Sydney's like I'm

33:21

gonna look around He's like great. So he takes

33:23

his bow. He takes their bags to the little room that

33:25

they're gonna stay in it the whole walk There he's

33:27

like filling with dread. He knows

33:30

it's irrational But he's like what if

33:32

the mom thinks that this is me somehow?

33:35

Oh, that's the anxiety speaking And

33:37

he's like he's like I've already had this

33:40

little tip with Mason like he could very

33:42

easily throw me under the bus He's

33:45

like Paranoia 101. Yeah,

33:47

right. He's like I think we need to call

33:49

Sydney's mom and just like preemptively

33:52

Tell her that the house smells like a frat house so

33:54

that she like

33:55

knows what she's walking into. Yes

33:57

I that is relatable as someone

33:59

with anxiety It's like what can I do try

34:02

to control everyone's

34:03

reaction? I control the situation

34:05

which is

34:05

like we know that's not how life

34:07

works, but I that resonates like

34:09

let me preempt all of this and

34:12

over explain and Okay,

34:14

so you think this is a good idea a little

34:17

bit. I'm not necessarily saying it's a good idea. It's

34:18

what I would do You

34:23

know I'd be like I too would be like let

34:26

me make it Abundant

34:27

yeah clear and overcome you and a Kate

34:29

that I to detect this problem, and it was not

34:32

me Yes, so Noah is

34:34

like that's what I'm gonna do he drops

34:36

the bags He's like time to find Sydney, but he cannot

34:39

find her and this house is big

34:41

right like he checks the bathroom near

34:43

their room She's not there. He checks the other bedrooms.

34:46

She's not there He checks like the big

34:48

primary room and that big tub and

34:50

she's not in there. He's like checking the big dining

34:52

room. No Sydney

34:54

He's walking around the kitchen island looking for

34:57

her when from outside he hears a scream

34:59

oh

35:03

My god, and now I'm just remembering that you said

35:05

this is a horror story Oh

35:07

moment in mid-somewhere when it turns it's like oh my god. They're in the cute

35:10

feels on the truth This is like when it turns. Oh

35:12

my god a literal scream.

35:14

Okay a scream Noah sprints

35:18

Across the biggest living room in the world

35:20

he like vaults over the coffee table

35:23

He's like throwing open the doors out of this

35:25

wrap-around porch running around

35:27

the corner. That's sexy where he fights

35:34

He runs he

35:37

comes around the corner he finds Sydney

35:39

and

35:41

Another

35:43

Okay,

35:44

okay He like stands to

35:46

me quickly and it's like she appears to

35:48

be fine like not hurt even

35:50

though she screamed And then like

35:52

his his quick brain is like this

35:55

woman cannot be Charlotte right

35:57

like she cannot be the younger sister She has no

35:59

fine line tone She is not dressed like

36:01

Billie Eilish. She is

36:03

not young enough. She's also

36:05

not old enough to be Sydney's mom. So

36:08

he's like, this is a stranger, right? Noah's

36:12

lizard brain is stranger, stranger, stranger.

36:14

So he steps in front

36:16

of Sydney weirdly to put himself

36:19

between her

36:20

and the stranger.

36:21

And then he does what everyone interacting

36:23

with a stranger and feeling a little uncomfortable does and

36:25

sticks out of his hand and is like, hi, I'm Noah.

36:28

Yeah, OK. And the

36:30

stranger does not tell him her name.

36:34

She's like, I'll be done in

36:36

a second.

36:37

I'll be done in a second.

36:39

And that's when he sees it.

36:43

All around the woman on the porch,

36:45

it is red, like

36:48

deep

36:50

burgundy red.

36:53

What? And Noah is like

36:56

blood. Oh, murder,

36:59

murder house. Noah

37:02

is like, how

37:03

am I going to introduce myself to Sydney's parents

37:05

being like, hi, my name is Noah and your daughter has

37:08

died on account of this home for you being cursed

37:10

as hell. There's blood everywhere. Hey,

37:12

that's OK. I have a question. So

37:15

this blood, is it in like an

37:17

intentional circle, like witchy

37:19

circle where it's like intention or is it like

37:21

blood splatter? Someone got hurt, like freshly

37:24

filled. A ton of liquid. It's

37:27

just blood all over the ground.

37:29

And when Noah steps back, oh

37:31

my God, like inhales.

37:37

And he's like,

37:39

oh, it's not blood, it's wine.

37:41

Oh my God.

37:44

I literally was holding my breath. But

37:47

it's like so much wine

37:49

that it's like still very concerning.

37:52

Right. He's like, why is there so

37:54

much wine here? Why is this stranger here?

37:57

And why does she say I'll be done in a second?

38:00

Not like, oh, I'll clean this up in a second

38:02

or like what? I'll be so that

38:04

implies intention anyways. Oh my gosh.

38:07

Okay. The woman gets a hose and is like,

38:09

I'm going to clean this off.

38:11

Okay. Like give me a minute

38:13

and it'll be done. Okay.

38:15

And so Noah and Sydney like back up a little,

38:17

but they're like still kind of there. And

38:20

Sydney is like, why are you out of breath?

38:23

And Noah's like, I'm out of breath because I ran

38:26

across the house to be

38:28

to rescue you from danger. Why

38:31

did you scream?

38:34

And Sydney's like, she scared me. So

38:36

this woman just like materialize.

38:38

Yes. And no, it's like you

38:41

scared me screaming. Yeah. And

38:43

then Sydney's like, oh my

38:45

God, you ran for me. Oh my God.

38:47

Why is her city and I the same? She's

38:50

like, oh my God, that's like so nice. Oh

38:53

my gosh, that is so funny, because when

38:55

you said a city was like, you already had a breath,

38:57

I'm like, it'll

38:58

be great that he ran for you, like not. Yes.

39:00

But I would be like, oh my God, you ran for me. Like

39:03

I know it's like, no, it's like, yeah,

39:05

baby, of course I ran for you. Oh my

39:07

gosh. And the woman on the porch is

39:09

like, can the two of you do this inside?

39:11

Stopping

39:13

so corny

39:13

and cringy in my vicinity. Yes.

39:16

So Noah and Sydney go back inside. Noah's like

39:19

taking those kind of like into the nose out through

39:20

the mouth breaths that you take to try and calm your

39:23

heart rate

39:23

back to a normal level. Me all

39:25

morning trying to remember. Yes.

39:30

I'm very familiar with the box

39:32

breathing method. Yes, I get it. Breath

39:34

work. Once his breath gets back

39:37

to a reasonable level, he remembers that he was

39:39

trying to find Sydney to ask her a question. Can

39:41

you remember what the question was? Oh my God. I

39:43

was so distracted by the blood

39:46

fake out that I generally don't remember

39:47

the question.

39:49

So he wants to call Sydney's

39:51

mom and tell her that it smells badly.

39:54

Oh, right. Right, right, right. OK,

39:56

so he offers this question to Sydney

39:58

and Sydney is like.

40:00

I think yes, we should do that.

40:03

Okay. She's like, I think that's a good idea because

40:05

like, it's beautiful. It's

40:07

totally gonna work, but like we want to manage

40:09

her expectations. Good. Okay, good.

40:11

And that's good to get the cosign from Sydney. Like

40:14

she knows her mom best. If she thinks it's

40:16

a good move, it's a good move.

40:17

So Sydney calls her mom and is like,

40:20

Hey, how far out are y'all? And her

40:22

mom's like, Oh, we're like 25 minutes out. We

40:24

can't wait to get there. And Sydney's

40:26

like, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. Um,

40:28

here's the deal. It's so beautiful and

40:31

like, we really love it. And also just

40:33

wanted to give you a heads up that it really smells like

40:35

pot. She could hear her younger sister in the background

40:37

going sick. Hell yeah. Love

40:39

this. Yes. Oh wait, wait,

40:42

wait, what the mom is the mom like Mason

40:44

where she's like very anti and judgmental

40:47

or what's her really? The mom is like, we

40:50

don't know.

40:51

Right? Like Sydney and Noah have not tested

40:54

this. It is untested

40:56

territory. Okay. Okay.

40:58

So her response to this isn't like, Oh

41:01

my God, the house is occupied by heathens.

41:03

Her response to this is like, is there anything you

41:05

can do to fix it so that it doesn't smell

41:08

bad? Which is like a fair question. The

41:11

mom's like, can you air it out? And they're like,

41:13

totally. We'll air it out before you get here. Yeah.

41:17

So they like open all the windows and doors. This

41:19

is a great idea in theory, except that now the

41:21

wine smell from the porch is

41:23

wafting inside.

41:24

Oh my God. How long does

41:27

it take to hose it off? Great question. Like,

41:29

okay. Okay. Anime tries

41:31

to find some candles

41:33

in the hopes that this would help. Um, but she

41:35

can't find any, all she can find is incense

41:38

and she likes these. And so now it like,

41:40

it smells

41:41

crazy. That was not

41:43

the move. That was not the move. No.

41:46

It would make it even worse.

41:48

Yes.

41:49

So it smells crazy in there. Anime

41:52

and Noah are both freaking out

41:54

because they're about to meet their like significant

41:57

others parents, but they're freaking out in

41:59

like different.

41:59

ways. Noah can't stop

42:02

like picking things up and putting them back down.

42:04

Oh my gosh. Like I relate about running

42:06

around. Yeah, let me be. Let me feel

42:09

like I'm being helpful. And then but you're so anxious

42:11

that you're not thinking straight. Yeah, you're literally just

42:13

doing nothing but you feel you're performing

42:15

as if you're doing Anna Mae

42:18

is just talking

42:19

like to no one, right? Like she

42:21

is just like verbally talking, talking,

42:23

talking for this whole 20 minutes. Oh, gosh.

42:26

When they hear the car like start to come up

42:28

this little like dead street. Noah

42:31

suddenly realizes exactly why Anna

42:34

Mae and Mason like ran out to meet them in the driveway.

42:36

And it's because he's like, I don't want to meet anyone in

42:39

here. Like I know. Right.

42:42

Okay, so he like, okay. And then it's kind

42:44

of like a shared communal thing where it's like, Hey,

42:47

heads up, let me escort you in. It's

42:49

like, yes, pre trauma bonded,

42:51

you know, like, like welcome to my home.

42:54

Yeah, exactly. I get it.

42:56

Okay. Okay. Yes.

42:58

Noah, like grab Sydney, they go outside

43:01

to meet the parents. Parents get out of the car,

43:03

right? They're hugging everyone's hugging Charlotte's

43:05

like looking at her phone. Noah's

43:07

like super aware of his like posture, right?

43:10

He's like trying to stand up straight. Yep.

43:12

And the mom is like to the young to the younger

43:14

sister like Charlotte, stop looking at your phone. Like

43:16

I need you to take the pies that I bought at the store and

43:18

put them in the fridge. Like do it right now before they

43:21

melt. And Charlotte's like, Okay. So

43:23

she like goes

43:23

inside with the pie. And

43:24

the mom turns to Noah and it's like, can you help me carry

43:27

things I have so much to carry and Noah's like

43:29

I would literally love nothing more than a task.

43:31

Exactly. Exactly. There's

43:34

nothing more grounding than

43:36

a task when you feel frenetic and

43:38

all

43:38

you want to do is feel helpful. But you're

43:40

too anxious to think what can I do? Like,

43:44

yes. So he has like big

43:46

turkey, right? Like giant,

43:48

giant turkey, two heavy

43:50

bags of groceries on the other shoulder. He's

43:53

like walking toward the front door when

43:55

he hears a shrill high

43:58

pitch to Yelp.

43:59

He

44:02

scans and he is like, Sydney

44:04

is out here with me. Everyone

44:06

is out here with me except for Charlotte.

44:09

Oh my gosh. And then he's

44:11

like, oh my God, the strange woman.

44:14

Right? He's like, I should have checked

44:16

on that woman. I should have made sure she left this house.

44:19

He's like, we let Charlotte, a like little 18

44:22

year old girl go running into this house

44:24

by herself with a stranger in there. Noah

44:27

is running again. He is running with the turkey.

44:29

It's like bouncing against his arm. He's

44:31

like, I'm going to be bruised for weeks. I'm

44:34

saying Noah is really channeling his

44:36

Superman running as he's like carrying

44:38

his shirt open. Wow. Okay.

44:41

Okay. He's blazing around the corner. He

44:44

comes like into the kitchen at full

44:46

speed where Charlotte is fine.

44:49

Okay.

44:50

Good. She is laughing, like bent

44:52

over laughing.

44:54

The doors of the fridge

44:55

are open because

44:57

she has gone to put the pies in there and inside

45:00

the fridge, it's

45:03

just like

45:04

a wall of beer,

45:05

like hundreds of cans

45:08

of beer, just like stacked perfectly

45:11

to fill up every single inch

45:12

of fridge. Wow. Okay.

45:15

Wow. Wait, she screamed at that

45:17

because she was excited. Oh, okay. Okay.

45:20

Okay. I'm very, do you happen to know what kind of beer

45:22

it was? It's like natty light. It is not

45:24

good beer, right? Okay. I'm not dreaming of that.

45:27

It is

45:27

like cheap beer. Okay. I think

45:29

with some delirium, like a nice kitchen sale, I'd

45:32

be like, I'm yelling. Natty

45:34

light, I'm like, please, this is taking

45:37

up space.

45:38

Charlotte is like, this is the best

45:40

day of my life, right? She's 18 years old. She's like,

45:42

this house smells like pot, which is funny. The

45:44

fridge is full of beer, which is funny.

45:47

She's like taking photos on Snapchat, right? She's

45:49

like, Noah, get in my photo. Yes. It's

45:51

a great content. Noah's like in the photo

45:53

with the turkey in front of the fridge

45:55

full of beer when like everyone else arrives.

45:58

And it's like, Charlotte, are you okay? Oh

46:00

my god. And she's like, yeah, of course I'm okay. Why? And

46:03

they're like, because you screamed. Like, no one came running

46:05

in here to help you. And Charlotte

46:07

like rolls her eyes. They're

46:10

like, why are you yelling? Like

46:12

this is so silly. Meanwhile the stepdad is

46:14

like, it smells like college in here, right? Like he's

46:16

like, he's like, it's crazy in here. And

46:18

Charlotte's like, I hope my college is just like this.

46:21

Okay. Yeah. She's

46:23

getting that, that pre-college experience. She's

46:25

loving it. I'm glad to hear that the stepdad

46:28

seems chill about

46:28

it. Like he's acknowledging it, but not like, oh, he's

46:30

just like, it is what it is.

46:32

That's good to balance out the anxiety of

46:34

the others. They were all bringing a very anxious energy.

46:37

Yeah. So they have to like unload a lot of the beers

46:40

out of the fridge, which is fine. Beers don't like go bad,

46:42

you know? So they have to like make room for the pies and the

46:44

Turkey and all these like pre-made casseroles and

46:46

shit, right? So they do this, they get together,

46:49

they unload a lot of the beers. The stepdad opens one

46:51

for himself and offers one to Noah.

46:53

Do you accept this beer? Yes, I

46:55

do accept it because it feels like a nice gesture.

46:59

You know, like let's bond, you

47:01

know, I'm attending to your needs. Do you want

47:03

to? I mean, even if I didn't

47:05

want the beer, I would still

47:06

accept it. I would even meet people

47:08

pleaser. Even if you're

47:10

allergic to beer, like thank you so much. Yeah, I would

47:12

still pick it up and be like, oh my God, thanks. And then like,

47:15

we're now friends. Yeah, I am accepting the

47:17

beer. Noah is like, I

47:20

feel that two tests are happening. The first

47:22

test is like, I have been offered a beer.

47:25

He's like, but the second test is

47:28

like, am I going to take that beer and go sit

47:30

on the couch and not be helpful? Oh,

47:32

yeah, no, that is not the right thing to

47:35

do. I feel like Noah would never. He is no

47:37

renting and vaulting across coffee tables

47:40

to attend to these people. He's not going to then just sit

47:42

and drink the beer while everyone else tries to

47:44

air out the house and shit. No,

47:45

yeah, he would never. So he's like, thank you so much

47:47

for the beer. I will drink this while I help prep.

47:50

He's like, boys can't have it all. Right?

47:53

Yes. He's chopping. He

47:55

and Sydney cook a lot. They have like a good banter,

47:57

a good system. He's like, behavior.

48:00

That's the other test. It's like how

48:03

pro social you are in the kitchen.

48:05

And also like what level

48:07

of adult are you? Do you know how to feel

48:10

a carrot?

48:10

Do you know how your basic knife

48:12

skills? You know what I mean? And you're all

48:14

looking out for that too.

48:16

So that's good that know it already

48:18

have that in the bag. And it's

48:21

enough where he can chit chat like that.

48:23

That's point in my book.

48:24

While they're doing this,

48:26

Mason and anime come up from their

48:28

room which is downstairs.

48:30

And they do not look happy.

48:33

They're like, this house is a nightmare.

48:35

I

48:36

don't like it here. Like, these

48:38

people clearly are heathens. They have no morals.

48:40

They're like, it smells even worse in the basement.

48:43

I would imagine so if it feels if

48:45

it smells that disgusting

48:46

on the main floor. You can only

48:49

imagine what the basement smells

48:51

like.

48:52

And anime is like, I had a boyfriend

48:54

that smoked weed in high school and he

48:56

moved to California and went to UC Santa

48:59

Cruz and changed his major to environmental law and

49:01

then he campaigned for Bernie Sanders. Life

49:04

ruined. Yes. And so Noah and Sunil are like,

49:10

Oh, wow.

49:13

That's crazy for real.

49:15

Oh my

49:16

god gotta beware. But

49:20

everyone is like, be

49:22

careful out there in response

49:24

to this except for Charlotte because teens

49:27

are ruthless who immediately turns to the stepdad

49:29

and it's like weren't you a huge pothead in college?

49:32

Yes, Charlotte bringing the chaos. I

49:34

appreciate

49:34

Charlotte's presence in this story.

49:37

And the stepdad is like, I know.

49:39

No. And so

49:40

everyone's eyes are

49:42

just like big

49:43

eye emoji, right? Like staring

49:45

at him like,

49:47

we think maybe you were and so the stepdad

49:49

to get out of this is like, what can I do to help? Let

49:51

me help. Yes, deflect. And

49:54

so they're like, well, can you grate cheese? Like

49:56

put a bunch of it in a bowl. He's like, of course I could do that. But

49:59

then they start looking. and there's like no cheese

50:01

grater to be found. Okay.

50:04

So he's like looking in the hall closet by the front

50:06

door when he hears a knock at the door. Oh,

50:08

okay. Do you answer this?

50:12

Yes, I do.

50:14

I do. But I hold my breath.

50:16

Because I'm like, what other motherfucking

50:18

shenanigans?

50:19

Is it the lady? Like, yeah,

50:22

I'm answering

50:22

the door.

50:23

Noah opens it. There's a man standing

50:25

there. Okay. The man is like,

50:28

hey, is sad here?

50:30

Wait, sad. T H A D.

50:33

Not dad. Sad. Sad. Okay,

50:35

sad. I know that that is

50:38

a name, but I've never encountered

50:40

a sad and I've never encountered someone

50:42

saying that name in my presence, which is why I was like, wait, yeah,

50:44

say that again. Okay. There's a sad here.

50:47

Wow. And

50:48

Noah's like,

50:50

no, no.

50:53

No, he's like in his brain. Like,

50:55

what's the stepdad's name? He's

50:58

like, uh, oh. And this guy's like,

51:00

Oh, I mean, I usually just like swing

51:02

by. Do

51:03

you like need an appointment now or something?

51:06

And no, it's like, I

51:09

don't know, man. Like, we're just staying

51:11

in this home for you. Like, I can't

51:13

help

51:13

you. And this

51:16

guy's like, Oh, okay. Yeah. Like, no problem,

51:18

man. Sorry to

51:18

bother you.

51:19

And then he leaves and no, it's like, what?

51:24

And I feel like at this point, everyone just got, I feel like they're

51:26

only like an hour in and so

51:28

Thanksgiving and hang and

51:31

so much has happened. Oh my God. There's

51:33

too much to process. Okay.

51:36

Noah is like, my brain is

51:38

so tired. I don't have time for this.

51:41

He's like, I can't look for this greater

51:43

anymore. Like, I'm done. Yeah,

51:46

he like makes his way back to the kitchen. He positions

51:48

himself to shop when he hears

51:51

another blood curdling scream.

51:54

What is

51:56

going on?

51:58

This

51:59

time it is coming from

52:01

one of the bedrooms.

52:04

At this point, you

52:05

are Noah. Oh my

52:07

god. You are here with your hopefully future

52:09

in-laws. You have run twice

52:12

for screams about nothing.

52:15

Do you run? Honestly,

52:18

yes, I do because I've already now had

52:20

the reputation of running to people's rescue.

52:22

And if I don't run this third time, this

52:25

person will take a person like, why didn't you run for me?

52:27

You know what I mean? I think you have to keep up

52:29

the appearance of man

52:31

who runs to save the day. You know

52:33

what I mean? Yes. This is your

52:35

brand now. This is your brand now. He

52:37

put himself in this position. He could have calmly

52:39

walked. He could have hollered everything all right, but

52:42

you got to run the third time. And you said

52:44

that this scream is blood curdling.

52:46

This isn't a yelp like before.

52:49

No. This isn't just blood curdling.

52:51

Big scream. You got

52:53

a, you got a, you got a sprint. You got a

52:55

sprint.

52:56

Noah sprints.

52:58

Good. He goes down the hallway. He is

53:00

the first one there to encounter

53:02

anime sitting on the bed facing

53:05

an

53:05

open wardrobe, both hands over

53:07

her mouth.

53:09

And Noah's like, what is it? Are

53:11

you okay? And anime

53:13

says nothing. Her

53:16

hands are shaking. And

53:20

she like, lifts one

53:22

arm and points towards

53:24

the wardrobe. Just like in the movies,

53:27

literally like in the movies.

53:29

Noah is sweating

53:30

so much. Like he's like,

53:32

my senses have never been higher. He's

53:34

so scared. I'm scared. As

53:37

slowly as possible. Right? Like he's like

53:39

preparing

53:40

himself. He's like prepare

53:43

myself for the worst, right? Like pivot towards the wardrobe

53:45

slowly, eyes low, be ready to

53:47

run. Right? He's so scared. At

53:50

the bottom of the wardrobe is a

53:53

huge Ziploc bag.

53:56

And it is stuffed

53:59

with weed.

54:02

Oh fuck yeah.

54:05

My thought of what was in the closet, it's

54:07

an animal carcass being like blood-letted

54:09

or whatever. Yeah. Blood draining into

54:11

like a basin of blood. It's

54:13

just a carcass hanging. But oh

54:16

my god, bags of weed?

54:18

I should have fucking dug. Obviously

54:21

it's the weed delivery guy. Of course.

54:26

Okay.

54:27

Oh hell yeah.

54:28

Okay, I am gonna share my screen with you. Okay.

54:31

Do not describe the person in this photo,

54:34

but can you describe what

54:36

they are holding? Okay.

54:39

Oh my

54:42

gosh. Okay, this

54:44

is the mother lode. If it

54:47

is someone holding a huge, it

54:51

looks bigger than gallon. What's the size bigger

54:53

than gallon size? I have no idea. But

54:55

it's bigger than a gallon size typical

54:57

Ziploc. It's like

55:00

maybe a few gallons worth

55:02

of, looks some green,

55:06

fresh

55:07

weed. A

55:08

huge bag. And it looks kind

55:10

of professional in a way that like it looks like they also

55:13

squeeze all

55:14

the air out of it. So it's like nice and

55:16

flat. It looks professional. It doesn't like someone just

55:19

haphazardly dumped some spare weed

55:21

in a bag. Like this looks

55:23

like

55:24

a weed dealer's bounty.

55:27

Oh, it looks delicious. Wow.

55:30

Charlotte was probably so excited.

55:34

Yes.

55:35

So

55:37

because of the scream,

55:39

everyone is now standing in this doorway,

55:42

except for Mason who is like comforting

55:44

anime.

55:46

And Noah is like, having

55:49

impure thoughts, right? Like he's

55:51

looking at this bag of weed and he's like,

55:54

this is the most excited I've ever

55:56

been in my life. I feel like the universe keeps

55:58

answering his prayers. Like Like in this moment,

56:00

I'd be thinking, am I one of God's favorite children?

56:03

Like, yes. Okay, this is exactly

56:05

what Noah is thinking. Noah is like, how

56:08

did I end up holding this bag? I don't even remember

56:10

picking it up. Right? He's

56:12

like, holy grail,

56:13

most exciting day of my life. Also somewhere

56:16

deep in the back of his mind. He's like felony.

56:18

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's like the amount of...

56:20

Oh yeah, because I forgot. Because

56:22

we all said, you said that

56:25

we're in a state where this is illegal.

56:27

So this isn't just like, oh, like someone

56:30

stashed and they left behind. This

56:32

is like a dealer's worth

56:34

amount of weed.

56:36

Okay, so you're Noah, you're so happy,

56:38

but you're trying to seem neutral. The

56:40

whole family is standing in

56:43

the doorway. You need to show

56:45

them this bag of weed.

56:47

But like, how do you like present

56:50

it like Simba? Like

56:52

how do you...

56:53

How? I mean, as

56:56

someone who always does the most,

56:59

like the overcomer,

57:00

like I, if I were Noah, I'd be

57:02

like, okay, I need to perform as someone

57:04

who is also morally opposed to this.

57:07

It's neutral. And just because I

57:10

am just

57:10

so expressive, me thinking

57:13

I'm doing a neutral phase, I feel like there'd be a glimmer

57:16

in my eye. I feel like I would hope it's

57:18

compensated by performing shock.

57:20

I feel like I'd

57:22

be like, oh my God. Like

57:24

I would like eyebrows furrowed

57:26

looking back and forth between the bag and the people be

57:29

like, can you believe someone would believe

57:32

this in a home for you where

57:34

we are coming and they don't know our relationship

57:37

to this substance? This is

57:39

offensive. Like I would do

57:41

too much, but I would try to show

57:43

it to my body language and face that I

57:46

am not here for this. But

57:49

thinking very rapidly is like,

57:51

I'm going to hold it really flat

57:54

with both hands, like a pizza

57:56

delivery man. And maybe that

57:58

will

57:58

look neutral, right?

57:59

This doesn't indicate anything. I

58:02

buy that. I feel like I would do the most and

58:05

hold it like with my fingertips. Like you're holding like a

58:07

dirty napkin far away. Like

58:09

you're holding a towel covered in pubes. Exactly, exactly.

58:12

Like the towel covered in pubes that I fucking

58:14

wipe my face with. I would just be like,

58:16

daily, like, how dare the

58:18

home for you to play in this dire

58:21

situation.

58:22

Everyone gasps at this,

58:25

obviously, because it is an obscene

58:27

amount of weed. It is an obscene amount. Sydney,

58:30

forgetting where she is, is like, oh my God,

58:32

that is more weed than I have ever seen in my

58:34

life. Yeah. The stepdad,

58:37

also forgetting where he is, is like, I've seen more weed

58:39

than that.

58:39

I like the stepdad.

58:42

I like him.

58:43

Charlotte is like, I told you.

58:45

And then she takes the weed back to the

58:47

kitchen carrying it

58:48

like the way she would have carried like her Samantha American

58:51

Girl doll, right? Like she's like, this is my baby. The

58:53

way that I would carry Princess Mona no. Yeah.

58:56

Which is literally how I would carry it. Like a baby. This

58:59

is my child. This is my beautiful daughter.

59:02

Okay, get it, yes.

59:04

The only people truly unhappy

59:06

here are Anna Mae and Mason. Yes.

59:09

The fact that she's like shuddering and crying

59:12

and making- Grow up. Yeah, I was

59:14

like, grow the fuck

59:15

up, dude. Grow up.

59:17

They're like, I don't wanna be in a house

59:20

with this much weed in it. Like, I'm scared.

59:23

Oh my God. They're like, we're leaving.

59:27

I know it's like, bye.

59:28

Yeah. Bye Anna Mae,

59:31

bye Mason. Like- Bye, see you at dinner. Bye,

59:33

see you never. Yeah,

59:36

good riddance.

59:37

Okay, we have made it through this enterprise. We

59:39

go back to the kitchen to chop things, but everyone's

59:41

like, emotions are heightened. But

59:43

wait, where did they put that big bed?

59:46

Charlotte carried it like a baby into

59:49

the kitchen where she set it on the counter. Okay,

59:51

so it's just in the kitchen in public view.

59:54

In the kitchen in public view on the counter.

59:57

Got it. They go back in there, they're chopping.

1:00:00

Everyone's trying to like calm down. The mom

1:00:02

is like apologizing to Noah.

1:00:04

And she's like, I'm so sorry

1:00:06

that you've had this experience. Like

1:00:08

I never want you to feel uncomfortable around

1:00:11

our family. Like I don't want this

1:00:13

to be hard. And Noah's like, oh, I'm not uncomfortable.

1:00:16

Like I think this is funny. Yeah.

1:00:19

And the mom's like, you do?

1:00:21

And Noah's like, yeah,

1:00:24

I mean like obscene

1:00:26

quantities of anything is funny. Yeah,

1:00:28

exactly. Having a lot of stuff

1:00:31

that's inherently comedic. Exactly.

1:00:34

And the mom like trying to be

1:00:36

casual is like, oh

1:00:38

yeah, like do you smoke

1:00:40

pot? Oh

1:00:42

my gosh, I'm lying to her face. You

1:00:44

are. Oh my

1:00:46

God, yes. I'd be like, I mean, I don't

1:00:48

judge it from it's not for me, but you

1:00:50

know, I don't judge any people for doing

1:00:51

it. You know, I'm not even

1:00:54

used to being around weed like that. So seeing that

1:00:56

amount just really shook me and you know,

1:00:58

but yeah, I know I'm lying. And I

1:01:00

guess if I end up getting married to a city, I'm like, we're,

1:01:02

I'm going to continue this lie that I

1:01:04

am straight edge.

1:01:06

Yes. Noah is like panicking.

1:01:09

He's like vibrating. He's like, if

1:01:11

I could be that Homer Simpson meme, like straight

1:01:13

through the head, I would be right.

1:01:16

He's like trying to figure out how to

1:01:18

quote Bill Clinton and be like, oh,

1:01:20

well, I mean, I didn't inhale in some

1:01:23

way that like won't incriminate him.

1:01:27

But really, he's just standing there open mouth saying nothing.

1:01:29

Yeah.

1:01:30

When Sydney is like, mom,

1:01:32

of course he smokes pot. Everyone

1:01:34

smokes pot now. It's totally normal.

1:01:37

Like we live in a place where it's legal.

1:01:39

Pot is not this like scary thing anymore.

1:01:43

And the mom is like, oh,

1:01:46

well, how'd you get into that?

1:01:48

Well, if I'm Noah, I'm trying towards

1:01:50

Sydney being like, you take the lead on that. Like I'm

1:01:52

like, yeah, I'm like now this is a and

1:01:54

B conversation between mother and daughter. And

1:01:57

this I'm segwaying the hell out of here.

1:01:59

Noah.

1:01:59

Like, uh, I guess

1:02:02

high school?

1:02:04

I guess I know it from high school?

1:02:07

As a mom, it's like, I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to my daughter.

1:02:09

Ooh. See, that was

1:02:11

the subtext that I did. I was like,

1:02:14

she pivoted to the daughter. Definitely, I'd have been like,

1:02:16

I'm gonna go out of this. I'm gonna leave, goodbye.

1:02:18

I'm gonna break this cheese without a greater BRB.

1:02:22

Sydney's like, mom, I

1:02:24

do an edible once in a while. There is no

1:02:26

reason to freak out. It's legal,

1:02:29

it's fine. As a mom, to

1:02:31

her credit, it's like, well,

1:02:33

then I guess this is like an extremely

1:02:35

hospitable

1:02:35

home for you. Oh

1:02:38

my gosh, that

1:02:39

like, passive aggressive

1:02:41

mom response. I mean, to be clear, my mom

1:02:43

isn't like that. She is a black woman from this house,

1:02:45

she

1:02:45

is direct. But that

1:02:47

is so funny. Well, I guess, like, try for you

1:02:49

here. I guess that's great for you, sweetie.

1:02:52

Yeah, but at least she's not being an asshole about it,

1:02:54

right, like, that could be worse. Yes.

1:02:57

And the mom is like, so hospitable

1:02:59

for you. She picks up the bag, she's like,

1:03:01

look at all this pot, right, because it's like, she's

1:03:03

right there, it's huge.

1:03:05

And no one is like, sure exactly how

1:03:08

this happens, but as she picks

1:03:10

it up, it intersects with

1:03:12

the knife in her right

1:03:14

hand. Are you kidding me? And opens

1:03:16

the bag. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding?

1:03:19

The flower goes

1:03:20

everywhere. Like, thousands

1:03:23

of buds rolling,

1:03:25

all the food is seasoned. Like,

1:03:28

it is flooded with weed.

1:03:31

Oh my gosh, are you kidding? Honestly,

1:03:33

I feel like

1:03:34

the universe is like, oh, I'm gonna have

1:03:36

fun with Noah today.

1:03:38

Yeah, make sure all the wildest shit

1:03:40

happens. There is like a four

1:03:43

second pause where everyone is silent.

1:03:47

And then suddenly everyone is like

1:03:48

laughing so hard they're crying,

1:03:49

right? Like, everyone is like, this is the funniest thing

1:03:51

that's ever happened to us. Like, freed from

1:03:53

Anna, Mae and Mason,

1:03:55

we are like having fun. It is

1:03:57

like, yeah, symbolism. You know what's

1:03:59

funny though?

1:03:59

I

1:04:01

out of all the times that all these people are screaming

1:04:03

that's

1:04:04

when I would scream

1:04:07

When it's raining

1:04:10

nugs Silent

1:04:13

for this magical cosmic

1:04:15

moment

1:04:18

Y'all this is your cue to scream Yeah,

1:04:20

then that's my cue to like kick a nug to the

1:04:22

side and scoop it up for later and put it in

1:04:24

your little pocket Yeah, I'm

1:04:27

cleaning it off this counter to throw it away Let

1:04:30

me clean this up

1:04:33

Everybody's having fun now, right? Like we're opening

1:04:36

wine Things are like almost

1:04:38

ready to go in the oven. Even mom

1:04:40

is like joking She's like, oh my god, it's weeds

1:04:42

giving because there is just like bud

1:04:45

on everything Oh, I love the switch

1:04:47

in energy. We just needed to get rid of Mason

1:04:49

and Anna Mae. They were being such Debbie Downers I

1:04:52

know everyone laughs at this Charlotte

1:04:55

has this like little smirk

1:04:58

And she's like

1:05:01

Have you been outside? Oh

1:05:03

my gosh, oh I

1:05:07

know what's gonna happen.

1:05:09

What do you think is gonna happen? It's

1:05:11

a fucking weed farm

1:05:13

Fucking

1:05:16

weed farm. They're growing

1:05:18

weed. Everyone is looking at

1:05:20

each other

1:05:20

nervously Everyone

1:05:24

is like we should go see what's outside. There's

1:05:26

like a palpable nervous excitement

1:05:29

in the air The step that

1:05:31

is like wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

1:05:33

We can't all go outside someone

1:05:36

needs to like find a broom and we

1:05:38

need to

1:05:39

Harvest what has been thrown?

1:05:42

Yes He's like I

1:05:44

need help with this. I can't do it myself and Noah

1:05:46

is like

1:05:48

Our poor sweet Noah. He's like I will help

1:05:50

you. Yes They already had that moment where they

1:05:52

bonded when they handed off the beer like let me

1:05:54

continue it. Yeah, exactly So

1:05:56

Charlotte leads like mom and

1:05:58

Sydney outside and Noah

1:05:59

Noah, our sweet boy,

1:06:02

goes downstairs to try and

1:06:04

find a broom.

1:06:07

Okay downstairs where Mason and Anna

1:06:09

Mae were like, it is unacceptable

1:06:10

downstairs. Okay.

1:06:13

He is like heading downstairs and it is like every

1:06:16

step is creaking.

1:06:18

Okay. It is like dark. It's

1:06:20

giving more air. Okay. It

1:06:22

is spooky.

1:06:22

It is like truly with every step

1:06:25

of descent,

1:06:25

more rank down

1:06:27

there.

1:06:28

Oh my gosh.

1:06:30

He is like truly worst moment of my life.

1:06:33

Did Mason and Anna Mae have a point?

1:06:35

He gets down there

1:06:37

and like

1:06:38

it is so weird. He is like, this is a smart boy.

1:06:41

He turns on a light. But it is like

1:06:43

the decorations are like things are thumbtacked

1:06:46

to the wall. Right? There is like

1:06:48

a sword on the dresser. Okay. He is like,

1:06:50

why does this look like an 18 year old boy's bedroom?

1:06:53

This is a room where a sad

1:06:55

would live.

1:06:56

Yeah. I know. He is like, what

1:06:59

is happening in here? He is like opening the little

1:07:01

closets down there,

1:07:02

you know, like the one with the water heater, the one with the air conditioner

1:07:04

or whatever, trying to find a room.

1:07:06

To his left is a room and under

1:07:08

the door at the bottom, he can see

1:07:10

that it is like glowing purple.

1:07:13

Oh my

1:07:15

gosh. And he opens the store

1:07:18

and the room is filled

1:07:21

with plants. Oh my gosh.

1:07:24

What are they called? Grow rooms? Oh

1:07:26

my gosh. The

1:07:28

only sound down here is like the

1:07:30

buzz from the light.

1:07:33

This is honestly the audacity

1:07:36

for these people to list this home

1:07:38

on home menu

1:07:41

on a literal

1:07:42

weed

1:07:43

farm business space

1:07:46

or whatever. Yeah. You are looking to get

1:07:48

robbed. What the hell? Okay.

1:07:52

Honestly,

1:07:52

I never thought I would say this. Anime

1:07:55

and

1:07:56

Miesen, like

1:07:57

they...

1:07:59

Sorry. This is

1:08:02

for you.

1:08:04

Our boy Noah is like reading

1:08:07

the little names of the plants. Right?

1:08:10

He's like, she's dope, kinks. Moonlight

1:08:13

outdoor passion.

1:08:14

Caribbean supernova. Right? Like

1:08:17

he's like,

1:08:17

he's touching all the plants. He

1:08:20

has like just read one that says the

1:08:22

greenest beans when he

1:08:24

hears another really loud screen from outside.

1:08:28

Are you motherfucking

1:08:31

kidding me? All of these dreams.

1:08:34

You

1:08:36

are Noah.

1:08:37

You have now run toward three

1:08:40

screaming women. You know what?

1:08:43

If I'm Noah,

1:08:46

and also I have to run up those creaky basement

1:08:48

stairs, like uphill running now.

1:08:51

Yeah. And all the way outside. Like

1:08:53

they're far away.

1:08:55

I am not running. I feel like I've proved my worth

1:08:57

and my commitment to this family that I'm trying to

1:09:00

impress. I've now run three times

1:09:02

to people's rescue.

1:09:04

I

1:09:05

am feeling a nug

1:09:07

and I'm not calmly embarrassed.

1:09:09

You and Noah, you

1:09:11

are now in sync and that's beautiful. You've

1:09:13

been kind of in sync the whole time because Noah, Noah,

1:09:16

Noah, Noah is like touching a

1:09:25

plant. This is a soft plant.

1:09:27

He's communing with the plant. This is like

1:09:29

the last temptation

1:09:30

of Noah. He's like, this is I

1:09:33

am in heaven or hell it is unclear which.

1:09:37

When he hears another scream.

1:09:39

Wait, wait, like another

1:09:41

one on another one. And

1:09:44

then Sydney screaming his

1:09:46

name.

1:09:49

So now you've

1:09:50

got to go. You gotta

1:09:52

go.

1:09:52

So he is sprinting. He sprints up

1:09:54

this creaky ass stairs. He's like taking

1:09:57

them two at a time. He sprints outside.

1:10:00

stepdad is like also running and has had to

1:10:02

go a much shorter distance but Noah like immediately

1:10:04

overtakes him. Right? He's like he's

1:10:06

gone. He gets

1:10:09

outside, he runs across the now clean

1:10:11

porch, he goes like down

1:10:13

the stairs around the corner of the house where in

1:10:15

front of him are rows and rows

1:10:17

and rows of sunflowers. Oh

1:10:19

gorgeous. And he's like beautiful.

1:10:22

He can see Sydney like deep

1:10:24

in there waving her arms like this.

1:10:26

He's giving Midsomer because it's like gorgeous

1:10:29

green like guestless two shrooms. I

1:10:31

mean if we weren't with these same people. Yeah. Like it's like

1:10:34

gorgeous juxtaposed with

1:10:36

terror bubbling up. He's running

1:10:38

so fast. He turns down

1:10:41

the aisle that she's on and as

1:10:43

he turns he realizes that amongst

1:10:45

the sunflowers are weed plants. So

1:10:48

it's like sunflower weed plant.

1:10:50

Wow. Sunflower

1:10:52

weed plant. He's zipping

1:10:54

down this aisle. Mom is down.

1:10:57

She is on the ground. She is gripping her

1:10:59

ankle. Oh no.

1:11:01

Noah is like what

1:11:04

happened? And

1:11:06

Sydney's like something bit her. Bit

1:11:09

her? I was thinking maybe she twist fell. Something

1:11:11

bit her. The

1:11:14

stepdad is like let's get you inside. Like let's

1:11:16

look at it. Let's get it cleaned off. Right? He's like helping the mama.

1:11:19

Noah's like what kind of something

1:11:21

bit her?

1:11:23

Enough for her to like be on the ground.

1:11:25

Yeah. Bigger ankle. Two screams.

1:11:29

Oh no. Everyone's like I don't

1:11:31

know.

1:11:32

Charlotte, Sydney, the mom. I like we

1:11:34

don't know. And Noah is like it's

1:11:37

pretty important

1:11:38

what bit you. Yeah. It's

1:11:39

pretty important to like how

1:11:41

this will be treated. Yeah. And what bit you? And

1:11:44

like in the Appalachian mounds in the

1:11:46

south. Like growing up like snakes

1:11:48

are like low key everywhere. Yes. And snakes

1:11:51

are dangerous. So Noah. Noah

1:11:53

bit her. He's getting his workout in. He's

1:11:55

running back and forth down these rows trying to find something.

1:11:57

Oh goodness. Wow.

1:11:59

He's like a snake, a dog, what?

1:12:03

And then what is he going to do

1:12:05

when he encounters the animal? Is it up

1:12:07

to him to fight off the animal

1:12:09

because now he's made himself hero of the day?

1:12:12

I'm stressed.

1:12:15

The stepdad takes mom inside. Sydney is

1:12:17

like, Noah, stop running.

1:12:19

She's like, she's

1:12:21

like, my mom says that we need to go. Like we need

1:12:23

to leave this like house. We cannot

1:12:25

stay here. It is cursed.

1:12:27

Yeah, it is.

1:12:29

And Noah is like, Noah is like,

1:12:31

okay, like I understand that. And Sydney is like, okay,

1:12:33

I'm going to go pack

1:12:34

our bag.

1:12:37

Do you want to come with me? And Noah is like, no, I

1:12:39

can't let it go. I need to sit out here

1:12:40

and find out what this bite was. Oh my gosh.

1:12:43

Well, now my mind, I love his priorities,

1:12:45

which makes sense. Like we need to find out what the bite

1:12:47

was. My thought was like, but shit,

1:12:50

is there food in the oven? Like y'all were all

1:12:52

preparing Thanksgiving dinner. What

1:12:54

about the food that's cooking and all of that?

1:12:57

That's where more my mind went. But I

1:12:59

appreciate that he's caring about the mom is potentially

1:13:01

future mother mom, who knows, but what

1:13:04

about the food? Noah

1:13:06

stays up. He's out there for a while

1:13:09

because it takes them a long time to like get everything

1:13:11

packed up, get like the stuff that's in the

1:13:13

oven, out of the oven,

1:13:14

get everything out of the fridge, get the beers

1:13:16

back in there. Like this whole situation. He

1:13:19

hears Sydney calling him after a little bit,

1:13:21

like the car's packed. We're ready to go. When

1:13:24

he hears like a little wrestle. That

1:13:27

is always the scariest sound. When you can't

1:13:29

see what's making the sound or you can hear

1:13:32

a ruffle. Yeah. Some nearby movement.

1:13:34

Uh-oh. He hears it again. He

1:13:38

like lies down on the ground and

1:13:41

through the stocks, he can see like a little

1:13:43

twitching nose

1:13:45

and eyes that are like rimmed

1:13:47

red. What the fuck? And like

1:13:50

teeth chomping a little leaf

1:13:53

and two very tall,

1:13:56

long ears pointing

1:13:58

straight up.

1:14:01

It's a bunny.

1:14:03

She was bit by a bunny. Oh

1:14:05

my god.

1:14:06

A bunny! A bunny! Oh

1:14:08

no, yeah, no, she got bit, but like, that's

1:14:10

kinda cute. It's kinda cute!

1:14:13

Look how badka that hurts. It's probably just like a little, like, nope.

1:14:15

You know, like, when a

1:14:15

person like playbikes you and you're like,

1:14:17

aw, bless your heart, you know what I mean? Aw, you tried, babe.

1:14:20

Yeah, like, you tried. That's what I'm imagining. Okay,

1:14:22

and bunnies aren't poisonous, so mom's

1:14:25

fine.

1:14:25

Yeah, and they're like not like bats

1:14:28

or dogs where it's like your odds of

1:14:30

rabies are high. Exactly. Like,

1:14:32

this is cute. Right?

1:14:34

So like,

1:14:35

yeah, so they take mom to like, not even the

1:14:37

hospital, it's like a little urgent care, and

1:14:39

the doctor's like, she's fine, right?

1:14:42

Like, don't worry about it. They

1:14:44

went out for dinner instead of cooking. They were like,

1:14:47

fuck it, we're going to a restaurant. Good

1:14:49

for them. Everyone was so hungry,

1:14:51

so this was great.

1:14:53

And like, Noah was like, everybody got along, like, I'm having

1:14:55

a good time. This is great. I've made a good impression.

1:14:57

I've been the hero of the day. I get

1:14:59

to have all this nice food. Amazing first impressions.

1:15:02

And they found like, the parents found a hotel

1:15:04

nearby that they could all have their own rooms. Oh,

1:15:07

hell yeah. And so Noah, like, goes into his room

1:15:09

at night, and he's like, pulling out the

1:15:11

little like buds that he has harvested

1:15:14

from the like, counter. Okay, so he

1:15:16

did pocket some. Yeah, Noah. And he's

1:15:18

like, finally, I can

1:15:20

smoke. Yes, Noah.

1:15:23

See, I'm glad he chose

1:15:25

himself in the end. Like, he

1:15:27

struck a really good balance of really

1:15:30

showing up for this family kind of going above and beyond,

1:15:32

but also being like, I'm gonna look out for me

1:15:34

at the end of the day, though. I'm grabbing snugs.

1:15:37

How? How do you feel? Wow,

1:15:41

I am gripping my mic so hard.

1:15:43

So I see that in my hand. Literally,

1:15:47

okay, oh my gosh. How do I feel? I

1:15:49

feel honestly so

1:15:52

happy and relieved for Noah, like, like you said. It's not

1:15:54

like he made honestly the best

1:15:57

first impression because all of

1:15:59

these.

1:16:00

while that thing that happened to this

1:16:02

family allowed him to really step

1:16:05

up and show up. And there's nothing

1:16:07

worse than a dude that is just

1:16:09

taking up space and is not being

1:16:11

helpful at all. And so he

1:16:13

is showing his value and

1:16:16

worth to like, you

1:16:18

know,

1:16:19

showing the mom of his girl, and

1:16:21

be like, hey, I can take care of

1:16:23

your daughter. I can show up. I'm

1:16:27

a helpful man. I'm the hero this family needs.

1:16:30

Yes, like, I am proactive.

1:16:33

If I'm Noah, I'm feeling on top of the world,

1:16:35

and I'm stepping out from the hotel and rolling

1:16:37

in J and lighting one up. Like, I think

1:16:39

he did a good job of staying true to himself while

1:16:42

also being like, part of meeting the

1:16:44

parents is a performance. Yeah. And-

1:16:48

And razzle dazzle, baby. And he gave him one.

1:16:50

Yeah, exactly. A better performance

1:16:52

than the one man show he went to where he met Sydney.

1:16:55

For sure. So I think he came

1:16:57

out on top.

1:16:58

Would you, Lisey, are the final updates

1:17:00

I have about this story? Please, obviously

1:17:03

yes.

1:17:04

Please tell me they're still together. Okay,

1:17:07

we'll get there. So the family filed

1:17:09

a complaint

1:17:11

with home for you about the house

1:17:13

because they were like, this is a nightmare. We

1:17:16

couldn't even stay there. Like,

1:17:18

we want our money back. And they were put in

1:17:21

a

1:17:21

situation where like, they were in a- They

1:17:23

could have all been arrested. Yeah. I

1:17:25

mean, I am not a second to mud. I'm a stoner,

1:17:28

but like, please give me a heads up if I'm

1:17:30

on like an illegal home. Waltz and N. Like-

1:17:33

Yes. Yeah. Okay, good. So

1:17:36

home for you like opened an investigation, which is how we got

1:17:38

a lot of these answers. And like through

1:17:40

that investigation, they found that the actual

1:17:43

owners of the house had rented

1:17:45

it out to tenants. And the

1:17:48

tenants had turned it into this like

1:17:50

grow house

1:17:50

operation. Oh my gosh.

1:17:53

And the tenants had listed

1:17:55

it on home for you to try and

1:17:57

get a little extra money.

1:17:59

Oh. So, and

1:18:01

are they?

1:18:02

Had the family stayed

1:18:05

a little bit longer, they would have

1:18:07

learned that like,

1:18:09

the woman on the porch was one

1:18:11

of those tenants and the tenants were

1:18:13

still on the property staying like in

1:18:15

an apartment above the separate garage. What?

1:18:19

Okay, so it's also giving parasite. Where?

1:18:22

Yes. Living on the

1:18:24

ground so you don't even know it? Yes.

1:18:27

Literally, what are they

1:18:29

thinking?

1:18:31

It took months

1:18:33

to resolve this issue with

1:18:35

Home For You,

1:18:36

because all of the

1:18:38

evidence that the family had,

1:18:42

because this whole story takes place over like

1:18:44

three and a half hours, right? Like it's like a very

1:18:46

fast time period if they were in this house.

1:18:49

The only evidence they have are Charlotte's

1:18:52

Snapchats.

1:18:53

Oh yeah!

1:18:54

And in all of them, everyone

1:18:57

looks absolutely thrilled.

1:19:00

So it was like very hard

1:19:02

to convince Home For You

1:19:04

that they had a bad time.

1:19:07

Oh my God. When it's like this photo of people holding

1:19:09

a weed bag like a baby with like the biggest

1:19:12

grunts on their face available. Oh

1:19:13

my gosh, they needed to get like a voice note of Anna

1:19:15

Mae, her voice still shaking, being like, oh,

1:19:18

and the amazing has to be that kind of man that's

1:19:21

like, my

1:19:21

wife has to be there being in

1:19:23

the presence of marijuana, how

1:19:26

dare you? Exactly. My wife, my wife,

1:19:28

my wife.

1:19:28

They needed that, that's when you need

1:19:31

Anna Mae and Mason. To bring that

1:19:33

energy. Is to get your money back. Yeah, to get your money

1:19:35

back from Home For You.

1:19:37

We did learn that in the end, Home For You did

1:19:39

give them their money back. Which is

1:19:42

good for

1:19:43

them. And then next year, the family

1:19:46

did not learn their lesson and they got

1:19:48

another

1:19:48

Home For You to stay in for Thanksgiving,

1:19:50

but it went fine.

1:19:53

Okay, the people who sent in this story told us

1:19:55

that just everyone in the family now lives with dread

1:19:58

in every home for you. every time someone

1:20:00

opens a door or a cabinet, they're

1:20:03

scared. Oh my gosh. Yeah, they're traumatized.

1:20:05

They're worried that behind any

1:20:08

door, inside any drawer could be something

1:20:10

lurking, but it also could be the biggest

1:20:12

bag of weed you've ever seen. Oh my gosh.

1:20:15

I would love for the ending of the story to be like, this

1:20:17

was their gateway

1:20:19

experience meet cute with weed.

1:20:22

Where it's like, oh no!

1:20:23

And then they were raining weed and they're like, you know what?

1:20:26

You know what? Yeah. Try it out. And then now every

1:20:28

Thanksgiving, they go to a home for you and

1:20:31

share a J.

1:20:32

The one nice bow I have for

1:20:34

you, it's not like a perfect wrap up bow. It's like

1:20:36

one of those sticky ones that you just like on top

1:20:39

of the present is that Noah

1:20:41

and Sydney did get married. Oh,

1:20:45

Noah and Sydney. Love

1:20:48

is real. Zakiya,

1:20:51

thank you so much for coming on the show. It was

1:20:53

a delight to have you. Wow. I

1:20:55

was riveted. My hand is literally

1:20:57

sweating and cramping. I laughed. I cried.

1:21:00

I'm craving weed. I also

1:21:02

feel

1:21:02

validated in my own home for you experience.

1:21:05

Yeah, that was a convenient thing.

1:21:08

It really was.

1:21:09

Oh my gosh. This was so

1:21:11

fun. It was a delight.

1:21:17

Thank you to the following people who let their

1:21:19

voices as experts scream voice actors.

1:21:22

Benny Cordaro. Clara Lonergan.

1:21:24

Renika Ramanathan. Elizabeth Gordon. Thank

1:21:27

you for listening to Normal Gossip. If

1:21:30

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1:21:32

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1:21:34

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1:21:56

This podcast was produced by Alex Sujong

1:21:58

Laughlin.

1:21:59

Analysis Defectors Projects Editor.

1:22:02

Jasper Wang and Sean Coon are defector's

1:22:04

business guys. Tom Le

1:22:07

is our Editor-in-Chief. Jay

1:22:09

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1:22:17

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1:22:20

Jacoby designed our show art. Thank

1:22:23

you to Patrick Redford for your help on

1:22:25

this episode. Thanks to the

1:22:28

rest of the defector staff. Defector

1:22:30

Media is a collectively owned subscriber-based

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media company. Normal Gossip

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is a proud member of Radiotopia. Normal

1:22:38

Gossip is hosted by Kelsey McKinney.

1:22:41

I'm Vicky Bolf, and remember, you

1:22:43

did not hear this from me. Thanks to

1:22:45

the rest of the defector staff. Defector

1:22:48

Media is a collectively owned subscriber based

1:22:50

media company. Normal Gossip

1:22:53

is a proud member of Radiotopia. Normal

1:22:56

Gossip is hosted by Kelsey McKinney.

1:22:59

I'm Vicky Bolf, and remember, you

1:23:01

did not hear this from me.