0:05

For a lot of

0:05

people, they get to a point in

0:08

their life at some time where

0:08

they say, this just isn't enough

0:12

anymore. What I thought I wanted

0:12

to do in my retirement, and they

0:17

have to reinvent themselves. The

0:17

people that age successfully

0:22

Kosta are willing to be honest

0:22

with themselves and reinvent

0:26

themselves and find something

0:26

new to bring themselves joy. And

0:30

for a lot of people, it's paying

0:30

it forward. It's finding some

0:35

way to give back.

0:39

Welcome to Now

0:39

or Never Long-Term Care Strategy

0:42

making. themselves. with Kosta

0:42

Yepifantsev a podcast for all

0:45

those seeking answers and

0:45

solutions in the long term care

0:48

space. This podcast is designed

0:48

to create resources, start

0:52

conversations and bring

0:52

awareness to the industry that

0:55

will inevitably impact all

0:55

Americans. Here's your host

1:00

Kosta Yepifantsev.

1:01

Hey, y'all,

1:01

it's Kosta. Today, I'm here with

1:03

my guest, Star Bradbury, aging

1:03

Life Care Specialist, founder of

1:08

senior living strategies, and

1:08

author of successfully

1:12

navigating your parents senior

1:12

years star over the past 25

1:17

years, you've helped 1000s of

1:17

families navigate Senior Living

1:20

and care. I want to start this

1:20

episode with a personal question

1:24

for you and the title of our

1:24

episode. What does aging

1:28

successfully mean to you?

1:31

Well, first of

1:31

all, thank you for having me on

1:33

your podcast. It's obviously a

1:33

topic I am passionate about, and

1:39

wrote an entire book about. So

1:39

it was a little confronting when

1:43

I had to sort of stop and say,

1:43

Well, what does it mean to me,

1:47

personally, but I don't I'm no

1:47

different than anybody else. I

1:52

mean, I want to reassure your

1:52

your viewers that I follow my

1:57

own advice. And I think that's

1:57

important. So what do I think it

2:01

means to age successfully, I

2:01

would have to sum it up by

2:04

saying, developing a plan, a

2:04

solid plan, but a plan that's

2:11

well thought out, that addresses

2:11

the challenges that you will

2:16

inevitably inevitably face as

2:16

you get older. But it has to be

2:21

flexible, and resilient. And as

2:21

simple as that sounds based on

2:27

my 24 years in senior living, it

2:27

is not as simple as it sounds,

2:31

and a lot of people fail to

2:31

really make a very strong plan

2:36

and look at what let's call it

2:36

the buckets are the pillars. I

2:39

have five pillars, we'll get to

2:39

that, that you can look at when

2:44

you're trying to assess whether

2:44

you have a good plan and if it's

2:48

flexible enough,

2:49

did you

2:49

decide to write this book from

2:52

personal experience? Was it a

2:52

was it just because you worked

2:56

in the industry for so long that

2:56

you saw

2:58

no, no, no, I

2:58

have so much personal experience

3:03

and and I sadly, although I you

3:03

can tell that I have a bit of a

3:08

sense of humor here. Of course,

3:08

sadly, I will say I learned just

3:13

as much about what not to do,

3:13

and what doesn't work from my

3:19

personal experience, in some

3:19

ways, even more than my

3:22

professional experience Kosta?

3:22

My parents divorced when I was

3:26

fairly young in my teens and

3:26

remarried. So I had a stepmom

3:30

and a stepdad, my father and

3:30

stepmom lived in New York City,

3:34

not exactly a friendly place to

3:34

age in, by the way. And my other

3:40

set of parents my mom and

3:40

stepdad lived in Fort Lauderdale

3:42

six, seven hours away from me.

3:42

And I watched them make

3:47

decisions and let's throw in my,

3:47

my husband's parents too. And I

3:52

was so I watched family members

3:52

and loved ones make decisions

3:58

that in some cases were

3:58

disastrous, really, truly sad

4:04

and did not have the outcome and

4:04

preventable and also some

4:08

mistakes I personally made.

4:08

Let's not leave me out of it.

4:11

Okay, you know, looking, looking

4:11

back, I look at some of the

4:17

things that I really could have

4:17

done, that would have made a

4:20

difference. For example, let me

4:20

just, you know, throw myself

4:23

out. Sure. I, in my in my

4:23

chapter on long distance

4:30

caregiving. I have a long list

4:30

of things that I wish I'd known

4:34

could have done myself since I

4:34

was so far away from my father.

4:39

And one of those would be get to

4:39

know the neighbors, get their

4:44

information, get their phone

4:44

numbers, have a list of the

4:48

support team that exists or

4:48

doesn't. Okay, for your loved

4:53

ones, your parents that might be

4:53

in another state. So I had a lot

4:58

of personal experience. I mean I

4:58

include a lot of those stories

5:01

in the book. And I'm sure people

5:01

go really could all of these

5:05

things happen to this author?

5:05

Oh, yes. And I could have

5:10

written a lot more I mean,

5:10

stepfather Baker Acted and the

5:15

Unite

5:15

I am I am

5:15

sure that people who are either

5:20

thinking very hard about this

5:20

topic or are in this topic,

5:25

which I know, reading your book,

5:25

once you're in crisis is kind of

5:28

too late. But I'm sure that

5:28

there's a lot of people that

5:31

read it and resonate with the

5:31

detailed approach that you take.

5:36

And we talk a little bit about,

5:36

obviously, the length of your

5:39

book, and how comprehensive it

5:39

is, you know, and I think that's

5:44

important. It matters.

5:46

So start, because

5:46

it's a long arc.

5:49

Yeah, right.

5:49

So start, one of my favorite

5:52

sayings in business and life is

5:52

if you can't measure it, you

5:56

can't manage it. What are a few

5:56

measurable ways we can gauge how

6:01

well we're planning for our life

6:01

after 65? and evaluate if we're

6:05

on the right track?

6:07

Also a great

6:07

question. And I think it really

6:12

helps to have something to

6:12

measure against. And I talk

6:17

about something that I refer to

6:17

when I sit down with families,

6:20

and my niche is helping people

6:20

to plan to age successfully. I

6:25

say, let's look at what I call

6:25

the five pillars of aging

6:29

successfully. And the first

6:29

question, the first pillar, the

6:32

first question is, where do you

6:32

want where literally, where do

6:37

you want to age for example, 90%

6:37

of people 65. And over, it's

6:42

probably even higher, say, Well,

6:42

I want to age in place. And what

6:47

I always say, making a statement

6:47

cluster, like I'm going to just

6:51

age in place, which means

6:51

staying in your home, that means

6:54

I'm going to just stay in my I

6:54

tell people, that is a

6:57

statement. That is not a plan.

6:57

There's a lot of planning that

7:02

needs to go into aging well and

7:02

successfully in your home. So

7:07

that's pillar number one. And

7:07

under that is sort of location,

7:12

location, location, the second

7:12

part of my book, are you going

7:16

to age in place? Are you

7:16

thinking about moving? And if

7:20

you are going to move? What

7:20

would what would a solid

7:24

criteria be that you've

7:24

checklists that would help you

7:28

evaluate whether the decision to

7:28

move was a met all that met all

7:33

the pluses for a Livable City

7:33

for seniors are closer to good

7:37

health care? Or closer to an

7:37

adult child? Whose is I'd like

7:41

to say willing, able and capable

7:41

of being on your support team?

7:47

Yes. Okay. Maybe they are? Maybe

7:47

they're not. So that's, that's a

7:51

big pillar. Where am I going to

7:51

age? And the criteria for that

7:57

has to be what's going to allow

7:57

me to have that support team I

8:03

need and to be as independent

8:03

for the longest possible time.

8:06

pillar number two is a little

8:06

quicker to explain. It's do I

8:11

have all the critical medical

8:11

documents in place that I need?

8:15

Now most people think, Oh, you

8:15

mean, like a living will? And

8:18

health care surrogate? Yes,

8:18

absolutely. And I don't think

8:21

you'll be surprised to know how

8:21

many people have not completed

8:24

advanced directives. But there's

8:24

a host of other documents and

8:28

things to think about under that

8:28

heading that pillar of medical.

8:32

The third pillar, Costa is

8:32

legal. No surprise there. Have

8:37

you done a will? Have you done a

8:37

trust? Have you appointed your

8:41

power of attorney? Are all of

8:41

your legal documents, and under

8:45

legal documents and legal

8:45

affairs? There's a long list of

8:49

things too, that you should look

8:49

at like insurance policies, or

8:53

long term care insurance

8:53

policies, or survivor benefits,

8:57

or a did your parents do any?

8:57

Were they veterans? Are there

9:01

benefits that you would know

9:01

nothing about? You should inform

9:04

yourself about all of those

9:04

kinds of information before a

9:08

crisis. The fourth one is really

9:08

important. And I know you've

9:13

done shows on this, how am I

9:13

going to pay for long term care?

9:17

Oh, yeah, how am I going to pay

9:17

for long term care if I need it,

9:20

whether it's home care, you are

9:20

in the business, you know, this

9:24

assisted living, skilled

9:24

nursing. And the fifth pillar is

9:29

and I think this is so critical.

9:29

How am I going to stay engaged

9:35

in life connected to my

9:35

community connected to my

9:40

family, so I not isolated and

9:40

lonely? What is my what I say is

9:46

what is your purpose and passion

9:46

that's going to keep you getting

9:49

up every day and engaged in

9:49

life? So those are my five

9:53

pillars and I could go on but I

9:53

thought if I better start, six

9:59

might be Too many,

10:01

well, you

10:01

know, star, we're going to talk

10:03

about your book successfully

10:03

navigating your parents senior

10:06

years quite a bit in this

10:06

episode. So please, it's totally

10:10

okay to spend as much time as we

10:10

need to. For anyone that hasn't

10:15

read it, it's broken into four

10:15

parts, develop a plan, location,

10:21

where when your parents need

10:21

more help, and a prepared exit

10:26

plan. Let's talk about that last

10:26

part, because I think so many

10:30

people are scared to address it.

10:30

What is a good exit plan?

10:35

Well, this is

10:35

always a hard topic to bring up.

10:40

Because as as you know, people

10:40

are afraid to talk about this on

10:45

every level, everything from I

10:45

don't know if I can talk to my

10:49

parents about if they've done a

10:49

living will. This is even

10:52

harder. Because now you're

10:52

talking about an exit plan.

10:57

You're facing death, you're

10:57

facing your own mortality,

11:01

you're facing the dying process.

11:01

And if we could check, as I like

11:06

to say, go check the box cost of

11:06

that said, I want to live to 98.

11:12

I want to be 100%. Strong

11:12

mentally and physically. And

11:16

then I'm going to check the box

11:16

that says I get to die in my

11:18

sleep peacefully, never wake up,

11:18

right? No problems, no issues,

11:22

no medical can tweet all check

11:22

that box. But that is not the

11:26

statistics. And for the number

11:26

of people, Costa who say, Well,

11:30

of course I want to die at home,

11:30

I want to be surrounded by my

11:35

family, I want this peaceful

11:35

space. I want to have the music

11:39

playing that I want. Or

11:39

somebody's singing or reading my

11:42

spiritual readings. But that is

11:42

not what happens. You know that

11:48

anyone in healthcare knows

11:48

there's a huge percent of people

11:52

that die in the hospital. So I

11:52

think one of the things to

11:56

really ask yourself, or ask your

11:56

loved ones is, what is a good

12:02

death? How would you plan for a

12:02

good death? We do all this

12:09

planning Costa. We plan when we

12:09

have babies, we plan our

12:13

marriages, we plan our

12:13

retirement. But we don't really

12:19

think about death as a time

12:19

where we could plan and the

12:22

planning has to be prior to the

12:22

event itself that has to do with

12:27

the decisions you make along the

12:27

way as your medical options,

12:32

your medical choices, do you

12:32

really want to do one more

12:35

surgery? Do you really want to

12:35

add one more chemo? round of

12:39

chemo? I'd like to tell people

12:39

that a good exit plan focuses on

12:46

quality of life first, and

12:46

treatment. Second,

12:52

can I ask you

12:52

kind of a controversial

12:54

question? I think it's important

12:54

because there are so many people

13:01

out there that are wrestling

13:01

with this issue. What if you're

13:07

one of those people in America

13:07

or even in the world that say, I

13:13

don't want to take care of my

13:13

parents when they get older? I

13:18

mean, what do you say to those

13:18

types of entities,

13:20

and I talk about

13:20

that in the book, I really,

13:23

really encourage people to

13:23

never, ever agree to a plan. You

13:28

know, you can't do you know,

13:28

your whatever the reason is,

13:33

whether it's time constraints,

13:33

financial constraints, emotional

13:38

abuse, as a child from parents,

13:38

you barely talk to or whatever

13:42

your situation is, I'd like to

13:42

tell people who are listening,

13:46

they can still be helpful. From

13:46

a distance, they need to set

13:51

their boundaries about what they

13:51

can do. And I tell people, their

13:55

own health, their own mental

13:55

health, or physical health does

14:00

not need to be put on the stake.

14:00

Because they're, you know, they

14:05

feel compelled to take care of

14:05

their parents if they absolutely

14:09

can't. However, having said

14:09

that, you know, I, I have worked

14:15

with so many families literally

14:15

1000s. And it's very sad to me

14:20

when I see a strange moment that

14:20

isn't healed before death. And I

14:26

say that partly because of the

14:26

aftermath. Meaning the adult

14:31

child's still living that never

14:31

repaired things on any level

14:35

whatsoever with their deceased

14:35

parent, and then they've missed

14:40

any opportunity. So I sort of I

14:40

know I'm hedging my bets here,

14:45

but there are situations where

14:45

somebody just cannot do that.

14:50

They cannot be the caregiver.

14:50

And I don't have any judgment

14:53

personally about that. When I

14:53

consult with families in that

14:56

situation. We'll find ways to

14:56

provide assist To help without

15:00

that direct hands on care, I

15:00

would also say try to heal on

15:06

some level, because you're the

15:06

one that will pay for it after

15:10

they're gone. That's my personal

15:10

experience. And my professional

15:14

observation.

15:15

That is great

15:15

advice. Now, when you're working

15:19

with families, especially in the

15:19

beginning, what's normally the

15:23

most overlooked or misunderstood

15:23

aspect of aging for your

15:28

clients?

15:29

I love love this

15:29

question. Well, I like to sort

15:34

of help people understand what

15:34

they might be facing by

15:38

describing in my book, sort of

15:38

the stages of retirement. And I

15:45

credit a friend for this because

15:45

I just love it. I talk about the

15:49

gogo years, the slow go years,

15:49

and the no go years. And one of

15:55

the biggest mistakes is that

15:55

adult children see their parents

15:59

after they've retired. And they're like, oh, my gosh, I don't even I can't even keep up

16:01

with them. They're traveling

16:04

hither and yon. They're all over

16:04

the place. They they're busier

16:08

than they were when they're working. Oh, they're doing great. And so they don't

16:09

anticipate that they're going to

16:14

transition at some point out of

16:14

the gogo years into the slow go

16:18

years or the no go years. And

16:18

nobody says that you can't go

16:22

straight from gogo to no go.

16:22

Right. So people will tell me,

16:26

Oh, my dad was golfing five

16:26

times last. Just last week. How

16:30

could you have gone downhill so

16:30

fast? That I just never saw it

16:34

coming? Well, I like to tell

16:34

people that are trying to

16:39

prepare themselves. It is not if

16:39

Costa, it is not if your parents

16:44

are going to need help. If

16:44

they're lucky enough to live

16:47

long enough. The really it's the

16:47

when When are your parents going

16:52

to need help? To what degree are

16:52

what what, how are you going to

16:57

be able to support them? And

16:57

that's one of the things that

17:01

people overlook. And the other

17:01

one that I just have to throw in

17:04

here is everyone underestimates

17:04

the cost of long term care.

17:09

They're so confused. You know

17:09

yourself. You've had the family

17:13

say, but I thought Medicare paid

17:13

for home care. I thought

17:17

Medicare paid for assisted

17:17

living, doesn't it papers? I

17:20

thought Medicare doesn't cover

17:20

skilled nursing and the answer

17:23

is no. No. and No. Yep. And they

17:23

don't know what it costs. So I

17:28

want to tell people who are

17:28

wondering, go look up Google or

17:33

whoever your search engine is

17:33

the Genworth cost of care

17:38

survey. Genworth is a big big

17:38

insurance company, they do this

17:42

national survey, that's

17:42

surveying the costs across the

17:46

United States, you can go to the

17:46

Genworth cost of care survey,

17:51

put in your zip code, and it

17:51

will show you the cost in your

17:55

area, which is drastically

17:55

different from state to state

17:58

can be for home care, home

17:58

health care, assisted living,

18:02

skilled nursing, you name it,

18:02

they're gonna give you the

18:06

median cost in your area. And

18:06

the best thing cost is they have

18:09

a calculator, that's, I always

18:09

tell people sit down, sit down

18:13

before you play with that

18:13

calculator, that projects future

18:16

costs. And you can go to 2050

18:16

2060 and see what you might be

18:21

paying as the adult child when

18:21

you are at, it will get your

18:26

attention. And

18:27

I think what

18:27

people don't recognize, is as

18:31

like, as labor prices go up. So

18:31

as people get paid, you know,

18:38

higher wages to work and fast

18:38

food if people get paid higher

18:41

wages to work and retail people

18:41

get higher wages to work in

18:44

manufacturing, and whatever it

18:44

might be. I mean, caregiving is

18:48

and that caregiving agencies,

18:48

they're not like a unicorn, you

18:54

know, they just always keep

18:54

their prices at, you know,

18:56

affordable rates. And yeah, at

18:56

some point, and I will say that

19:01

we are in a very precarious

19:01

position right now. Now, I'm not

19:04

I'm not gonna try not to go off

19:04

topic here. But we're in a very

19:07

precarious position right now.

19:07

Because we are, we have almost

19:13

priced ourselves out of reach

19:13

for a lot of Americans. If not,

19:18

if not most of Americans. And,

19:18

and that is a scary proposition

19:24

for a lot of families. Because

19:24

I'll tell you like in the next

19:27

six or seven years, we're going

19:27

to have more people that need

19:31

long term care may, even in the

19:31

next three years, to be totally

19:35

honest with you, the baby

19:35

boomers are crying well, and

19:38

they, the Silversea tell you,

19:38

you know, so the statistics

19:41

behind it. I've said this a

19:41

number of times on the show,

19:44

there's two things that you said

19:44

that I want to say I just want

19:47

to repeat number one, Medicare

19:47

doesn't pay for long term care.

19:50

So we just need to say that

19:50

because that's a mantra on our

19:52

show, or assisted assisted

19:52

living or nursing home stays

19:56

more than 100 days. So now that

19:56

we got that out of the way The

20:00

second thing is as individuals

20:00

between that were born between

20:04

the age started between the

20:04

years of 1946 and 1964, the baby

20:08

boomer generation is the second

20:08

largest population subset in the

20:11

United States. And it's only

20:11

behind Millennials by like a

20:14

couple million people. So it

20:14

might as well be the largest or

20:18

close are tied as, as the

20:18

largest when you turn 75,

20:23

between 75 and end of life, and

20:23

that can range for differently

20:27

for most people, but you have

20:27

about an 80% chance of needing

20:30

long term care. So it's an

20:30

inevitability. And the first

20:36

baby boomer that was born in

20:36

1946, turned 75, in 2021. So

20:43

we're in it, you know, and so I

20:43

think that people, yeah,

20:47

exactly. And people really need

20:47

to understand that if they're

20:51

not considering this planning,

20:51

this long term care planning,

20:56

that they are going to find

20:56

themselves. Like you said, my

21:00

dad was playing golf five days a

21:00

week, last week, and he had a

21:04

serious medical event. And now

21:04

he needs significant care.

21:09

Right. So

21:10

and that is, that

21:10

is so why I'm so I was so

21:13

compelled to write this book, to

21:13

really help people understand

21:20

the consequences of no plan,

21:20

then you start to lose. Now

21:25

you're making ill informed

21:25

uneducated decisions. Half the

21:30

people I've talked to don't even

21:30

understand the difference

21:33

between home care and home

21:33

health care, and who pays, I

21:38

address that in the book, they

21:38

don't understand assisted

21:41

living, or who would be accepted

21:41

or not accepted into assisted

21:45

living, and what kind of

21:45

licensing might be absolutely

21:48

critical to their parents future

21:48

or to not having to move their

21:52

parent again. And really,

21:52

honestly, I don't expect people

21:56

to know. But I do expect people

21:56

to accept that they can educate

22:01

themselves ahead of an

22:01

inevitable crisis and curveball

22:04

and be far more prepared to both

22:04

advise or jump in if needed, or

22:10

sit down and have these kinds of

22:10

conversations way, way ahead of

22:13

time. Rick, was much earlier

22:13

than you might think.

22:16

Do you think

22:16

there is a difference between

22:20

what we think we want and what

22:20

we actually want as we get

22:25

older? And what does that

22:25

differentiation usually look

22:29

like?

22:30

I do think

22:30

there's a difference. And I

22:33

don't know that you would be

22:33

aware of this unless you've been

22:37

in senior living for 25 years.

22:37

So in that timeframe, I've

22:42

watched, as I said, 1000s of

22:42

families make decisions, and

22:47

make plans or not make plans and

22:47

what those consequences are. But

22:50

if you ask me, What's the

22:50

difference between what people

22:53

think they want? And then what

22:53

they actually discover when

22:58

they're in that aging process? I

22:58

can't tell you Costa the number

23:03

of times I've had people say,

23:03

Well, after golfing for 10

23:06

years, I'm sick of it. And I

23:06

never thought I'd say that. I

23:12

thought when I retired, I would

23:12

was so excited about golfing, or

23:17

tennis or pickleball or

23:17

traveling or something that they

23:22

that they thought they'd never

23:22

that gave them so much joy

23:26

doesn't cut it anymore. And so

23:26

that's that's why pillar number

23:31

five is what is your passion,

23:31

what kind of legacy and for a

23:37

lot of people, they get to a

23:37

point in their life at some time

23:40

where they say, this just isn't

23:40

enough anymore. What I thought I

23:47

wanted to do in my retirement,

23:47

and they have to reinvent

23:51

themselves. The people that age

23:51

successfully Kosta are willing

23:56

to be honest with themselves and

23:56

reinvent themselves and find

24:02

something new to bring

24:02

themselves joy. And for a lot of

24:05

people, it's paying it forward.

24:05

It's finding some way to give

24:10

back. It's volunteering

24:10

somewhere in your community.

24:16

It's making a difference. Maybe

24:16

it's to children going to school

24:20

and reading to children or maybe

24:20

it's the homeless or maybe it's

24:23

your place of worship some

24:23

organization within your church

24:27

or synagogue or your mosque or

24:27

maybe it's but it's it's

24:31

reassessing your values in this

24:31

post retirement phase. Does that

24:37

make

24:38

does and I'll

24:38

tell you what's interesting when

24:40

you say legacy? I think it's

24:40

more about legacy and and

24:47

honestly than anything else in

24:47

terms of purpose in terms of

24:50

fulfillment. I think that we

24:50

have superpowers at every stage

24:57

in life. And and I don't mean

24:57

And I don't necessarily mean to

25:01

stereotype. You know, I know

25:01

that obviously, like you were

25:05

saying, before we started the

25:05

show, the largest demographic in

25:09

the United States at this time

25:09

are people that is growing is

25:13

our people between the ages of

25:13

90 and 100. So 90, and we've met

25:19

some 100 year year olds that

25:19

are, you know, still kick in,

25:23

and they're still in the gogo

25:23

phase. Right,

25:27

I have seen it,

25:27

and it's awe inspiring,

25:31

actually.

25:31

And so I, you

25:31

know, I think that, like, you

25:34

need to embrace what you bring

25:34

to society. And so a lot of

25:38

people when they look at

25:38

retirement, I am obviously a

25:41

little a little ways away from

25:41

retirement. So I'm not going to

25:44

feed into my bad habit of

25:44

telling people that are in

25:47

retirement, what retirement is

25:47

about. But I'm just saying in

25:51

terms of my perspective, I would

25:51

say that we are never done

25:56

giving back to society, and we

25:56

do our best work and live our

26:01

best lives, when we're giving

26:01

back. And when we are

26:05

essentially using our

26:05

superpower. And that's

26:09

essentially what you just

26:09

described. So

26:11

I really believe

26:11

that, and I've watched it. I've

26:15

watched it for many years, as I

26:15

worked in senior living. So I

26:20

worked in one of the top life

26:20

care communities in the country

26:23

for 18 years, I ran an assisted

26:23

living facility, I ran a memory

26:28

care facility. I had, I had the

26:28

opportunity to watch a lot of

26:33

families a lot of situations.

26:33

And I was keenly interested in

26:37

what is this factor? What are

26:37

the factors that go into aging

26:43

successfully? It's a willingness

26:43

to reinvent yourself, and and we

26:49

reconnect to your values and

26:49

live them

26:53

start

26:53

independence and maintaining

26:55

independence is one of the

26:55

greatest goals of everyday

26:59

success for anyone getting

26:59

older. What's your best advice

27:03

for someone seeking to maintain

27:03

that independence as they age?

27:08

Well, in my book,

27:08

I discussed two principles,

27:11

caster principles that you can

27:11

apply no matter what age you

27:16

are, but certainly as a baby

27:16

boomer, or certainly as you're

27:21

aging, and also a principle that

27:21

families can use to help loved

27:25

ones and their parents. And that

27:25

principle is how can I maintain

27:31

and prolong my independence for

27:31

the longest possible time, and

27:36

to use that principle, truly as

27:36

your as your foundation, and

27:43

your framework to making

27:43

decisions. And then principle

27:46

number two, is what I call just

27:46

in time Senior Planning, which

27:51

is, don't burden yourself with

27:51

trying to make a plan for 10

27:55

years, it's going to look very

27:55

different when you're 70, or 80,

28:01

or 90, but trying to plan for 10

28:01

years out is just a poor use of

28:06

your resources, whether they're

28:06

financial or emotional, right,

28:10

stick to a three to five year

28:10

window as you're planning. But

28:14

like with the Japanese, just in

28:14

time inventory control concept

28:19

that was very popularized. I

28:19

took that term from them, it

28:23

implies what's called continuous

28:23

improvement. So if I were to say

28:30

what the key things are to

28:30

maintaining independence, number

28:34

one, stay flexible. Number two,

28:34

be ruthlessly honest with

28:39

yourself and your partner or

28:39

your spouse. Number three, keep

28:43

applying principle number one,

28:43

what can I do to maintain and it

28:47

may not be staying in your home

28:47

Kosta? You may have said I am I

28:51

am aging in place. I'm never

28:51

leaving my home. I have a client

28:56

named Sharon who's 93. And she

28:56

said that I'm not leaving my

28:59

home. This is where I'm going to

28:59

stay. And then at 93 she

29:03

realized her home was taking up

29:03

too much time. It was taking up

29:08

too much money. She said I think

29:08

it's time for me to invest in

29:11

myself instead of maintaining my

29:11

own. I need more help. But I'm

29:16

not ready to move closer to

29:16

family. And she was brave enough

29:21

flexible enough ruthlessly

29:21

honest with herself. After

29:24

saying I will never leave my

29:24

home she moved into a full

29:29

service retirement community a

29:29

fabulous community that provided

29:33

the support she needed to

29:33

maintain her independence. No

29:37

more shopping all her meals

29:37

transportation provided 24 hour

29:41

security home care on site if

29:41

she needed it. Now this was

29:44

independent living. So you see

29:44

how applying that principle

29:50

could be used in so many

29:50

situations. So many different

29:53

situations. Like let's let's

29:53

take this situation. What if you

29:58

had a A mom or dad who had

29:58

dementia, and you knew it was

30:03

going to be progressive. And

30:03

they were getting worse. And

30:07

someone who said we have to

30:07

leave them at home, I don't want

30:11

to move them. And then you also

30:11

see that's not working. Maybe

30:15

mom is now wandering at 3am. Dad

30:15

is exhausted taken care of mom,

30:20

and you have to be flexible. You

30:20

have to be honest, you have to

30:25

step back and say, what

30:25

decisions can we make that will

30:28

maximize independence for the

30:28

caregiver dad, who's going to

30:32

end up in the hospital if he

30:32

keeps trying to take care of

30:34

mom? And how can we support mom

30:34

is her progression, her dementia

30:39

progresses? Well, again, if

30:39

you're maintaining independence

30:43

for those two people, Kosta it

30:43

might be time to consider memory

30:47

care facility that's going to

30:47

provide mom with that care, let

30:52

dad get some sleep at night, and

30:52

see as much as possible or live

30:56

nearby, or live in an

30:56

independent living in the same

30:59

community that offers memory

30:59

care to, so you have to be

31:03

flexible. You just can't get

31:03

through these challenges and

31:06

curveballs without it.

31:08

So here's the

31:08

million dollar question. Why do

31:11

we avoid the topic of ageing so

31:11

aggressively? And what can we do

31:18

to normalize getting old?

31:20

Well, you know, I

31:20

think it's a straight line. From

31:25

why do we avoid this topic. And

31:25

the straight line is to fear of

31:30

death, fear of dying fear of

31:30

getting, and some people have

31:34

said, it's not dying, I'm afraid

31:34

of its illness in capacity,

31:39

physical limitations, pain. So

31:39

it's really understandable when

31:44

you put it in that context.

31:44

Nobody wants to become infirm.

31:48

Nobody wants to lose their

31:48

independence. So I have great

31:52

compassion for anybody that's

31:52

experiencing that or feeling

31:56

that because it's real. There's,

31:56

you know, like I said, we're apt

32:01

to have some challenges along

32:01

the way. And because we don't

32:05

know, you know, we can't go get

32:05

our palms read, and nobody's

32:09

going to tell us, you know

32:09

exactly what's going to happen.

32:13

But you also need to be a

32:13

realistic optimist. That's the

32:20

term I describe myself, where

32:20

you're realistic about what

32:23

you're going to face. And try to

32:23

plan for some of those events so

32:29

that you have more choices, more

32:29

options for yourself. But I have

32:33

good news for you, though. We'll

32:33

wait. I want you to know

32:35

you have a question? No, no, please go ahead, finish. Okay.

32:38

My good news is

32:38

that there's a tremendous

32:41

movement in the aging industry

32:41

nationally today, to change how

32:47

we look at aging. I've been

32:47

getting an online newsletter

32:51

called ending ageism, together,

32:51

changing the narrative. And I

32:58

love it. There's all kinds of

32:58

ideas and workshops on there

33:04

called How to be an anti aging

33:04

social media influencer, or how

33:10

corporations and businesses can

33:10

change how they portray older

33:16

people and change this negative

33:16

attitude towards ageism. And

33:20

there's a wonderful book I want

33:20

to mention that I read that I

33:23

wrote about on my blog, and it's

33:23

Dr. Rebecca Levy. And her book

33:29

is called breaking the age code

33:29

ditch. Have you read haven't

33:32

read it before? That's

33:32

wonderful. Oh, I want to

33:35

encourage you to read it because

33:35

she says that, quote, the data

33:39

about how your beliefs about

33:39

aging determine how long and how

33:43

well you will live. Many of the

33:43

health problems formerly

33:47

considered to be entirely due to

33:47

aging, such as memory loss,

33:51

hearing decline, and even

33:51

cardiovascular events are

33:54

instead influenced by negative

33:54

age beliefs that dominate the

33:58

United States. And the data in

33:58

countries where wisdom is

34:02

celebrated and Rivard would then

34:02

the data is quite different. So

34:07

it's powerful, how you feel

34:07

about yourself as you age, what

34:11

our culture tells us about older

34:11

people is a powerful, powerful

34:17

influence.

34:18

I think a lot

34:18

of people don't realize, and you

34:21

said how important it is to be

34:21

optimistic. And we've obviously

34:25

touched on at length, how

34:25

important it is to be prepared.

34:29

What a lot of people don't

34:29

realize is and I just heard this

34:34

statistic the other day, so

34:34

maybe rather shocking, I'm sure

34:37

you know it but they're the one

34:37

of the very sad points of aging

34:46

and people over the age of 65 is

34:46

the suicide rate within that

34:52

population subset. It is a very

34:52

it's scary to To the degree that

35:01

people have sort of said, I

35:01

don't want this, I don't want to

35:05

become a burden. And we've

35:05

pushed, right. And we've pushed

35:09

this narrative as a society,

35:09

like our parents are becoming

35:12

our burdens. And it is, you

35:12

know, it's obviously people that

35:17

are in their younger years and

35:17

people in their older years. And

35:21

when I say younger, I mean under

35:21

the age of 35, but that are

35:25

having these suicidal situations

35:25

occur. And I feel like like you

35:31

said, it's because we've created

35:31

this narrative that's putting

35:36

people in an untenable position,

35:36

and they have nowhere to go. And

35:40

so we need to, we need to take

35:40

that box that we've put them in

35:45

and in, literally take all the

35:45

walls off and take it away and

35:48

give people the dignity that

35:48

they deserve and give it back to

35:51

them.

35:51

Well, that goes

35:51

back to pillar number five, how

35:56

can I stay engaged and connected

35:56

in my community, and what is my

36:00

purpose and passions, because

36:00

when people think about killing

36:04

themselves, they have lost that

36:04

they don't feel connected. And

36:08

COVID taught us how deadly truly

36:08

deadly isolation, and

36:15

loneliness, and those percent of

36:15

people who are feeling even

36:20

young people, which makes me so

36:20

sad, isolated and lonely,

36:24

they're not connected. And so

36:24

what I when I sit down with

36:29

families, I will say, Now, keep

36:29

in mind, as you're making this

36:33

plan to age successfully, and

36:33

trying to maintain your

36:38

independence, for the longest

36:38

possible time, if you know that

36:42

staying socially connected, is

36:42

critical to your physical and

36:46

mental health. Do you think it's

36:46

a good idea to stay in your home

36:51

20 miles out of town, living all

36:51

by yourself, no matter how

36:55

gorgeous your home is, no matter

36:55

how beautiful it is, if you're

37:00

alone, and I just helped a

37:00

gentleman figure out that he was

37:04

depressed and lonely, his his

37:04

wife had died eight years ago,

37:09

he had a beautiful home. But he

37:09

recognized that he was not going

37:14

to be able to stay there and be

37:14

healthy and independent. And he

37:17

moved to a community that

37:17

provided friends and activities

37:21

is Life is a compromised caster.

37:21

I don't tell people, they're not

37:25

going to miss their home. But

37:25

that home can be a prison. And I

37:29

have seen that when I had to go

37:29

in and do assessments for people

37:33

moving into assisted living,

37:33

lonely people in beautiful

37:37

homes, disconnected from family

37:37

and community. It's more

37:41

important, a community can add

37:41

contribute more to your health

37:46

than then even doctors can at

37:46

times,

37:49

we always

37:49

like to end the show with a call

37:53

to action. If you had to start

37:53

the process of Senior Planning

37:57

for a parent today. What would

37:57

you do first?

38:02

Well, I know this

38:02

sounds really self serving. But

38:04

the first thing I would say is

38:04

go buy my book and read the book

38:08

as a guide. Don't if you think

38:08

oh, I don't need this for 10

38:11

years. Don't wait. And if you're

38:11

a senior, yourself listening,

38:17

I've had lots of people say you

38:17

know what, I'm buying one for

38:19

myself. And I'm buying books for

38:19

my kids. And then we're going to

38:23

plan a zoom call. Because as I

38:23

like to say these conversations,

38:28

the one thing I would say, have

38:28

to start early. That's the one

38:32

thing I would say, don't wait.

38:32

So people say well, what's the

38:35

perfect time when your parents

38:35

are in their 60s, long before

38:39

they even retired? And the

38:39

beauty about that is it gives

38:43

people an opportunity to do a

38:43

lot of listening. A lot of soft

38:48

questions. You're not saying

38:48

have you done a will? Have you

38:53

done living? Well? What about

38:53

this good death thing? You're

38:56

not starting there? Costa? You

38:56

were like years before any of

39:01

those conversations potentially.

39:01

Ideally, you're saying things

39:05

like, Hey, I wonder are you

39:05

going to stay in Cookeville when

39:08

you retire? Are you thinking

39:08

about moving to Florida? Closer

39:12

to in your your sister, your

39:12

brother? What are you thinking

39:18

about doing? Oh, you want to

39:18

stay and age in place? You know,

39:21

I'm a little worried about that

39:21

mom, because all the bedrooms

39:24

and bathrooms are up two flights

39:24

of stairs, and there's no

39:27

bedroom or bathroom on the

39:27

bottom floor? It could maybe we

39:30

could remodel that, you know or

39:30

build a mother in law suite? Or

39:34

what about a tiny house option.

39:34

You know, there's all kinds of

39:38

ways to have fun talking about

39:38

things long before there's a

39:43

crisis. Because guess what Kosta

39:43

people are not more willing as

39:48

they get older to have these

39:48

conversations. The time to have

39:51

them are when there's zero

39:51

crisis, zero diagnoses, zero

39:57

emergencies lots of time like

39:57

why imaginary family dispensers

40:02

that go through weaved through

40:02

the whole book about how they

40:05

deal with making a plan and

40:05

unexpected curveballs. So yeah,

40:10

start the conversation early.

40:12

Thank you for

40:12

joining us on this episode of

40:15

Now or Never Long-Term Care

40:15

Strategy with Kosta

40:18

Yepifantsev.If you enjoyed

40:18

listening and you wanna hear

40:20

more make sure you subscribe on

40:20

Apple podcast Spotify or

40:24

wherever you find your

40:24

Podcasts,leave us a review or

40:28

better yet share this episode

40:28

with a friend. Now or Never

40:31

Long-Term Care Strategy is a

40:31

Kosta Yepifantsev

40:37

production.Today’s episode was

40:37

written and produced by Morgan

40:39

Franklin. Want to find out more

40:39

about Kosta? Visit us at

40:45

kostayepifantsev.com