0:00

You can't shame or blame

0:02

your partner into change.

0:05

You can only inspire them into change.

0:08

You can only engage them into change.

0:11

So you pointing out all their flaws, you pointing

0:13

out all their weaknesses, isn't

0:15

going to solve the problem. The number

0:17

one health and wellness podcast Jay

0:20

Setty Jay Shetty

0:22

Jet. Hey,

0:25

everyone, welcome back to On Purpose,

0:28

the number one health podcast in the world.

0:30

Thanks to each and every one of you that

0:32

come back every week to listen, learn

0:35

and grow. Now. Today's episode

0:38

is inspired by so many conversations

0:40

I've had this week, whether it's

0:42

with friends, family members, clients,

0:45

people I've been talking to, and what

0:47

I've realized is that

0:50

there's this feeling of

0:53

am I settling. I know a lot

0:55

of people in relationships right now who

0:57

are not sure whether they're with the right person

1:00

and whether they're with their person,

1:02

or whether they're with a person that they want

1:05

to spend the rest of their life with. But

1:07

at the same time, they're worried about being alone.

1:10

They're concerned about having

1:12

to be out there again. A lot of people

1:14

are nervous and anxious around dating right now.

1:16

And I know you're either one of those people

1:19

or you know one of those people, or you're thinking

1:21

of someone right now. And

1:24

this general belief around subtle

1:26

settling is if you don't feel passionate

1:29

for your partner anymore, or you don't

1:31

feel excited about them anymore. And

1:34

I want to really look at that closely,

1:37

because I don't believe that a

1:39

lack of excitement currently

1:41

or a lack of passion currently are

1:43

good enough signs that you're settling.

1:46

And I want to talk about how

1:49

passion and excitement can

1:51

actually be created and also

1:53

be lost and diminished. So this

1:55

episode is for you or your friend

1:58

if you think someone's settling. This

2:00

episode is for you if you want to make sure

2:02

you never settle and know what it takes

2:04

to create a healthy, meaningful relationship.

2:07

And this episode is for you if you just

2:09

feel like you've lost the spark, you've lost

2:11

your way, and you want to get it back.

2:14

I'm going to give you a set of questions

2:17

that are going to help you reflect through this. You

2:19

can even share this episode with a friend, or

2:22

you can discuss it with them and answer these questions

2:24

together. So the first

2:26

question to figure out whether you're subtle

2:29

settling. And I think this subtle settling

2:31

point is really important because you

2:34

know when you're settling, right, when you've

2:36

like totally settled and you're like, oh,

2:38

I'm really compromising here, But

2:41

subtle settling is this idea of well,

2:44

I kind of don't know, I'm

2:46

not really sure. Maybe it will

2:48

be okay. And that's why these

2:50

questions are so important. So

2:52

the first question is do you

2:54

feel like you can truly be

2:57

yourself? Now? What does it

2:59

mean to be yourself?

3:01

This is a really important question for you to answer

3:04

on your own. What do you think

3:06

it means to be yourself? Does it mean

3:09

to be goofy? Does it mean to be fun? Does

3:11

it mean to be silly? Does it mean to be serious

3:14

and deep and profound? Does it mean

3:16

to be both of those things? I

3:18

was talking to a friend the other day and

3:20

she was saying that this guy that she's

3:23

kind of seeing just started following

3:25

her on Instagram, and she was

3:27

scared because on Instagram she feels

3:29

like she's really herself. She's funny,

3:32

she's silly, she's goofy. And

3:34

she was thinking, oh gosh, now that he

3:36

follows me, is that going to affect our dating? And

3:38

then she realized she said, well, actually it's good that he's

3:40

seeing it, because then he knows the real me.

3:43

He knows who he's going to come home to, he

3:45

knows who he's going to catch up with, he knows

3:47

the kind of person I truly am, And if he doesn't

3:49

want to be with that version of me, then

3:51

it's going to be hard for him to be with me. Now

3:54

that takes a lot of confidence, It takes a lot

3:56

of courage to be able to say that, but

3:58

it is true. How many

4:00

of you, and be honest with yourself, how

4:03

many of you have hidden parts

4:05

of yourself so that people

4:08

like you more? How many

4:10

of you have underplayed parts

4:12

of yourself so that people

4:15

like you more? How many of

4:17

you have limited, held

4:20

back, given less

4:22

of yourself so that people

4:25

like you more. We

4:28

mold, we shape shift, we

4:30

transform because

4:32

we want people to like us. But

4:34

in that process we diminish,

4:37

lose, and restrict

4:41

parts of our best selves.

4:44

And what we don't realize is

4:47

the person we want to be with will

4:50

like us for all of us, and be

4:52

okay with the parts that they don't like but

4:54

recognize they're a part of us, as

4:57

opposed to trying to find someone who

4:59

likes certain things about us. And

5:01

doesn't even know about the other things about us.

5:04

And I know it's hard. We want that

5:06

person in our life so bad. We're

5:09

so attracted to them, were such people

5:11

pleases. We want that person

5:13

to like us, no matter what the cost

5:15

is. But we don't realize that

5:18

we lose ourselves by

5:20

trying to get someone else to like us. We

5:23

lose ourselves by trying

5:25

to get someone else to love us.

5:28

We lose ourselves by

5:30

trying to find someone else. And

5:32

so I want to remind you, can

5:35

you be all parts of yourself

5:38

with this individual. And here's

5:40

the important part. They don't

5:42

have to understand all of you. They

5:45

don't even have to like all of it.

5:48

They just have to know that that's who

5:50

you are. They have to be okay with

5:52

it. And we have to have the same back. And I think

5:54

that's one of the things we've lost. We think that

5:57

the person that loves us will

5:59

love all of us. Now, the truth

6:01

is that someone can love all of you but still

6:03

not resonate with all of you and

6:05

may not understand all of it. And

6:08

that's natural. But you have to feel like you can

6:10

be yourself, and you have to feel like

6:12

you're allowing that person to

6:14

be themselves, because I think one of the things

6:17

we miss out on is we don't realize

6:19

the amount of pressure we put on someone else

6:22

to also behave in ways that we like.

6:24

We don't realize how much pressure and judgment

6:26

we place on others that they're scared

6:29

of showing that part of themselves. I

6:31

have a guy friend of mine who's so scared

6:34

of showing his softer, vulnerable

6:36

side because he thinks his partner

6:38

just wants the alpha, wants

6:41

the kind of like tough

6:43

exterior version of him. Now,

6:45

I'm not saying that he's read his partner right

6:47

or that he's sure about that, but it's interesting

6:50

that he also feels that he's

6:52

holding parts of himself back because

6:54

they're not invited. What

6:56

parts of your partner are you not

6:59

inviting for what parts

7:01

of your partner are you not allowing

7:03

to come through? Think about

7:06

that? So, are you being

7:08

all of yourself? And are you allowing your partner

7:11

to be all of themselves? That's

7:13

an important part of recognizing

7:15

you're not settling. Point

7:18

number two, Do you discuss

7:20

important things in a healthy

7:23

way? Now, so many of us have got

7:25

so used to drama, We've got so used

7:27

to anxiety. We've got so used

7:29

to arguments that if you're

7:31

having peaceful, thoughtful

7:34

discussions, we undervalue

7:36

them, we underestimate them. We

7:39

think, where's the drama, where's the passion? Right?

7:41

It's interesting how when you're having a debate,

7:43

there's passion can be exciting, can

7:46

even be exhilarating. When you're having

7:48

an argument, that can be kind of like a turn on. But

7:51

we don't realize that if all of that's done in

7:53

an unhealthy way, then

7:55

that passion we're also feeling is

7:57

somewhat unhealthy. Sometimes

8:00

times, peace doesn't

8:02

feel like passion. Peace

8:05

feels like security, Peace

8:07

feels like stability, Peace

8:09

feels like sreness. Peace

8:12

feels like energizing

8:15

but not necessarily intoxicating.

8:18

And I think so many of us have got

8:20

lost in that belief of wanting something intoxicating

8:23

that we lose the thing that's energizing

8:26

and enlivening. So do

8:28

you discuss important things

8:30

in a healthy way? Now, here's what I've

8:33

realized a lot of the challenges

8:35

I see in couples can be broken

8:38

down into two things. The

8:40

first is one person has

8:42

unrealistic expectations.

8:45

Now both people can have unrealistic expectations,

8:47

but generally I find one person has

8:50

unrealistic expectations, like I

8:53

want them to be ambitious and

8:55

I want them to be available all of the time.

8:58

Listen up, there is no one who is ambitious

9:01

who is available all the time. Or

9:04

we want someone who's super organized

9:07

and super spontaneous. Those

9:10

two things don't always go together.

9:12

Or we want someone who's really really kind

9:15

and really really caring, but then we also

9:17

want them to be in control.

9:19

I'm not saying these things are impossible, but sometimes

9:21

we have really unrealistic expectations

9:24

where we've genuinely put two

9:26

polar opposite values and

9:28

demands into place, And

9:31

now when our partners one of them, we're like, well, wait a minute,

9:33

why you're not the other? And then when the

9:35

partners the other one, we're like, wait a minute, why are you're not the

9:37

other thing? And that just goes on and

9:39

on and on, and it just keeps repeating

9:42

itself. It keeps going crazy,

9:44

and it doesn't really help us. So

9:48

do you discuss important things in a healthy way?

9:50

Now, that was one of the issues that people

9:52

have. The other issue that I find is the

9:54

lack of emotional availability,

9:57

the lack of vulnerability the lack

9:59

of being able to things through the

10:01

lack of having a transparent

10:04

conversation. What I find

10:06

is those are generally the roots to

10:08

a lot of the reasons why we don't have healthy

10:10

conversations. One is because someone's

10:12

demanding something unrealistic. The

10:14

other is because someone's not open enough to

10:17

have that conversation. I want

10:19

to throw this out there. If your partner

10:21

is not good at having vulnerable, open,

10:24

honest conversations about how they're feeling,

10:27

you telling them that they're not vulnerable,

10:30

telling them and targeting them, saying that they're

10:32

not open, and telling them that they're

10:34

not curious enough, they're not thoughtful

10:36

enough, isn't going to inspire them to become

10:38

that way. We have to learn

10:41

to inspire our partners

10:44

to be that person, not interrogate,

10:47

investigate, and push

10:50

them to be that person. Most of

10:52

us are trying to blame our

10:54

partners into change. We're trying

10:56

to shame our partners into Change's

11:00

true story. You can't shame

11:02

or blame your partner into

11:05

change. You can only inspire

11:07

them into change. You can only engage

11:10

them into change. Right, you

11:12

can't blame and shame them into change. So

11:15

you pointing out all their flaws. You pointing

11:17

out all their weaknesses isn't

11:19

going to solve the problem. It

11:21

isn't going to fix the challenge that

11:24

they're facing. You have to

11:26

ask yourself, am I inspiring this

11:28

person? Am I helping

11:30

them with this change? Am I encouraging

11:32

them? Or? Really? Am I just becoming their parent?

11:35

Am I just pushing them around? Am I

11:37

just forcing them to change? That's

11:39

not discussing things in a healthy way. We

11:41

say, wait a minute, I laid out the roadmap for them.

11:44

I told them exactly what they needed to do. I told

11:46

them exactly what I wanted. Well,

11:48

by the way, that doesn't sound like a partnership,

11:51

It sounds like ownership, right.

11:55

So I want you to really think about that. If you want your

11:57

partner to think about something

11:59

to be as certain way that you think is useful

12:01

for the relationship, you have

12:03

to think about how that's inspired, how that's

12:05

encouraged. That's how a coach thinks.

12:08

You don't want to fear them into it. You don't want to be

12:10

an ultimatum right now. At

12:12

the same time, if you're the

12:14

person who's looking at your partner and just thinking,

12:16

wow, they have some unrealistic expectations

12:18

of me. I'll never be that. I

12:21

think it's really important to sit

12:23

them down and have a conversation and say

12:26

that's not who I plan to be. This

12:29

is who I plan to be. And by the way, in order

12:31

to do that, you need to be clear on who you plan

12:33

to be and a lot of us in order

12:35

to stay with the person and just

12:38

keep you know, pacifying them, we're like, oh

12:40

yeah, I'll do that little thing. Oh yeah, y'a'll

12:42

apply for that job. Oh yeah, y'all work a little

12:44

harder and guess what. It lasts for a couple of weeks and then we don't

12:46

want to be that person anymore. So don't

12:48

pretend to say

12:50

you're going to become someone that you don't want to be

12:53

because your partner wants you to be them. So

12:55

much is lost in

12:57

the pretending to be the person our partner

13:00

wants us to be, whether it's pretending

13:02

to be more vulnerable and open, or

13:04

whether it's pretending to

13:06

be someone we're not. Now,

13:08

I'm not saying we go the other way and say I'm not gonna do anything.

13:10

I'm not gonna change, I'm not gonna grow, I'm not gonna evolve.

13:14

We're trying to inspire change, and

13:16

we're trying to be honest about how fast

13:18

we can change. Hey

13:21

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time it near you. Number

14:02

three to check whether you're subtle settling. Do

14:05

you respect how they treat you? Do

14:07

you respect how they talk to you? This

14:10

isn't like do you do they you know, throw

14:12

rose pearls at the ground you walk on right?

14:15

It's do you feel a sense of respect

14:18

and what do you measure as respect?

14:22

And do they know that you measure that as

14:24

a sign of respect. Most

14:27

of us respect one thing and we measured

14:29

that thing in our partner. But guess what they

14:31

respect another thing and they're measuring

14:34

that So often in our relationships,

14:36

our respect languages are different.

14:39

Imagine you're measuring, analyzing,

14:42

and observing a completely different

14:44

thing in another person. Imagine someone

14:46

was observing how you're dressed and

14:49

the other person's observing your accent. You're both

14:51

measuring completely different things, and

14:53

then you're making a decision about

14:56

whether that person is good or not. That's

14:59

kind of what we're doing in getting mixed up about

15:01

respect. If someone respects

15:03

you, that is probably the greatest form

15:06

of a relationship possible. That's

15:09

not settling at all. And

15:11

I would say that someone respects who you are

15:14

more than what you achieve. I think a lot of us

15:17

are after Do our partners respect our

15:19

achievements? Do our partners respect

15:21

us when we do something amazing in our career?

15:24

Do they respect us? Do they validate us? Do

15:26

they approve what we've achieved,

15:28

what we've done? Real

15:31

respect is does that person respect who I am?

15:33

Do they respect me regardless? Do

15:36

they respect me? Beyond all of this, I've

15:39

talked about this before. For a long time in my relationship,

15:42

my male ego wanted

15:44

Radi to respect me because of what I achieved.

15:47

And really, what I realized is I was trying to

15:49

achieve in order to respect myself,

15:52

and therefore I wanted her to respect me for that

15:55

because then I would be worthy enough. And

15:58

all the time I was missing the point that rather

16:00

respects me. She's been with

16:02

me when I've had nothing, she's been with me when I've

16:04

failed, She's been with me since I've started, and

16:07

she's been grateful ever since. Isn't

16:10

that the deepest form of love and

16:12

respect? So I would ask

16:15

you to assess that with your partner. Reflect

16:17

on that number four. Are

16:20

you scared of being lonely? If

16:22

you are scared of being lonely and

16:25

that's why you're staying with your partner, chances

16:28

are you're subtle settling. And that's

16:30

a hard truth. It's an inconvenient truth

16:33

because so many of us are

16:36

subtle settling because

16:39

we don't want to be alone. We're

16:41

scared of not having someone to go

16:44

home to. We're scared of not

16:46

having that person that we call when

16:48

we're on a car journey. We're scared

16:51

of having to go to sleep on our own,

16:54

and that fear is creating

16:56

and forming the basis the foundation

16:59

of a relationship. Fear

17:03

is an unhealthy foundation for

17:05

any relationship. I'll

17:08

say that again. Fear is

17:10

an unhealthy foundation for

17:13

any relationship. If

17:16

fear is the foundation of your relationship,

17:18

you are subtle, settling. Whatever

17:20

that fear may be. One of them is

17:23

the fear of being alone. I

17:25

was talking to a friend the other day and

17:28

I said to him, you just have to block that

17:30

person. He has someone in his life who

17:32

keeps walking in, keeps walking out, and

17:35

he loves it because he doesn't want to be alone. And

17:37

I said, I think it's about time you block them. Like you keep

17:40

breaking up and getting back together, and breaking up and getting

17:42

back together, and I can see how unhealthy it is for you.

17:44

And yes, you're scared of being alone, but

17:47

you know what's scarier is being in this situation

17:49

in ten years time. And I said to him, which one are you more

17:51

scared of? Are you more scared of being alone

17:54

for the next two years, or

17:56

are you more scared of being in this situation in seven

17:58

years time, when you're seven years older and

18:01

you've lost seven years of your life. And

18:04

he said, when you put it that way, I was like, yeah, you have to

18:06

put it that way, right, You have to

18:08

put your life into perspective. When

18:10

you look at everything through the next three months,

18:13

the next three months, the next three months, you'll keep

18:16

elongating and extending even a bad

18:18

situation because you're thinking

18:20

about the next three months. Whereas when

18:22

you start looking at it through the lens of the next three

18:24

years, being three years older, three

18:27

years into your career, three years wiser,

18:29

three years smarter, and then you look at it, everything's

18:33

put into perspective. As

18:35

Wayne Dyer used to say, when

18:37

you change the way you look at things, the

18:40

things you look at change. I

18:42

think often we either look at things too

18:44

short term, especially in relationships,

18:47

especially with loneliness. Now.

18:49

I was talking to a friend the other day about my book Eight Rules

18:51

of Love. She was reading it and

18:54

she was saying she really liked the reframing

18:57

of loneliness to solitude,

19:00

and she's been exploring what solitude

19:02

means for her, and I was saying that this is what

19:04

we need to do. Our mind has

19:07

created a story around

19:10

loneliness. You know good enough,

19:12

you're not worthy, you don't have a plus

19:14

one. All your friends say things like, oh,

19:17

we got to find you a person. We can't

19:19

have you be single for too long. Ah, we

19:21

got to hook you up. Right, that becomes

19:23

the rhetoric. So our story

19:26

around being alone, we have a story around

19:28

every word. Right. If I say

19:31

the word fear, you have a

19:33

story around that. If I

19:35

say the word power,

19:38

you have a story around that. If I say the word

19:40

money, you have a story around that.

19:42

If I say the word fame, you have a story

19:45

around that. If I say the word failure,

19:48

you got a story. And if I say the word success,

19:50

you've got a story. You

19:54

and your mind and your thoughts have

19:56

a story around every word.

20:00

The goal of our life is to rewrite,

20:03

retell and reshare

20:06

our stories around

20:09

our life. What

20:11

is the story you want around

20:13

being alone? Is it that you're

20:15

lonely or is it that you're in

20:17

solitude? What is your story

20:20

around being single? Is

20:22

it about being empowered or

20:25

is it that you're not worthy? What

20:28

is your story about being in a relationship?

20:30

Is it a necessity or

20:33

is it something that you're building and nurturing.

20:36

What is your story about being a failure?

20:40

Is it that you're not sharing your life with someone,

20:43

Or is it that failing is not knowing yourself

20:45

and therefore picking the wrong person. We

20:48

have to rewrite, retell, redefine

20:52

what our story around these important

20:54

words in our life are and love, Love

20:57

is an important word to

20:59

think of what our story is about it?

21:02

What is your story about the word love?

21:04

Is it that you don't deserve it? Is

21:06

it that you don't need it? Right?

21:09

One side is I don't deserve it. The other side is

21:11

the ego and arrogance. If I don't need it, I don't

21:13

need anyone. Notice how

21:15

attachment and aversion are two sides

21:17

of the same coin. The bugood Ghita says

21:20

The bugour Ghita says, attachment and aversion

21:23

are two sides of the same coin. They're

21:26

both an addiction. Right,

21:28

if we hate something or we obsess

21:31

over it, we're giving it the same energy.

21:34

But let's tell a better story. Let's tell a smartest

21:37

story. Let's tell a more thoughtful story

21:39

about that number

21:41

five? Do you compare

21:44

your partner to other people? You're

21:46

subtle settling if you

21:48

keep comparing your partner to

21:51

other people for qualities

21:53

they'll never have. And

21:56

when you're making someone feel that way,

21:58

you're also disintegrating

22:01

their self esteem and

22:03

their confidence. You're

22:05

subtle settling. Move away. If

22:07

you keep comparing that person, Okay, you want

22:10

something else, and you may say, oh no, but I don't

22:12

really mean it, well, don't think about

22:14

it. Then you're comparing that person

22:16

because you want them to be more this or less this,

22:19

more that or less that. Right,

22:21

more of this and less of that, that's what you

22:23

want. If

22:26

you're comparing your partner to some other people, you're

22:28

sebtle settling. If you're comparing

22:30

them in a way to fall more in love with

22:32

them, that's different. Right. If you're comparing them in the sense

22:34

of like, oh, actually, I'm so grateful

22:36

to have this person because you know, I've seen what my friends

22:38

are going through, that's different. But

22:40

if you're comparing them on the level of I wish they had

22:42

that, Oh, look at that person. Their

22:44

partner's always thinking about them. Their partner organizes

22:47

the best birthdays, their partner's got the best

22:49

career, their partner makes more money, their

22:51

partner has a better career. Their partner,

22:53

you know, their partner makes time. Whatever it may

22:55

be, you're so settling or

22:58

you're not grateful enough, And

23:00

that's what I want you to reflect on is it that you're settling

23:02

or is it that you're not grateful? Could

23:04

be either or The next principle,

23:07

number six is do they

23:09

understand why you are the way you are?

23:11

And do they take interest? Do

23:13

they understand the depths of you? Are they are

23:15

trying to understand your context.

23:18

I said this to someone recently who's asking me for relationship

23:21

advice. I said, a real relationship

23:23

is where you've tried to understand not

23:27

how the person is and how they behave

23:29

and who they've become. It's how

23:31

they became that What did they go

23:33

through? How did they become

23:35

that person? Why are they that person?

23:38

Are you curious to understand that? Because I

23:40

promise you that context will

23:43

make you connect on a much deeper level. But

23:45

if you don't have that context, you'll

23:48

never truly know. So

23:50

ask yourself, do you know the context

23:52

of why your partner is the way they are? And

23:55

have you shared the context

23:58

of why you are the way you are? Right?

24:01

Have you figured that out? It's

24:04

so important that

24:06

is not settling if your partner's taking

24:08

an interest in you, and if you're taking any interest in them, and

24:10

if you've started and if you haven't done that. Try it out.

24:12

I think a lot of us expect our partners

24:15

or people were dating or seek to already have these

24:17

skills. And actually the purpose of a relationship

24:20

is that you're both challenged to build

24:22

these skills. Right. A relationship

24:24

isn't a relationship where you both come in with all these skills.

24:26

The point is the relationship challenges you

24:28

to develop these skills. And the question you're asking

24:31

is do I want to develop these skills with this person?

24:33

And do they want to develop these skills with me? There's

24:36

two more I want to share with you. Can

24:38

they tolerate your weaknesses? And can you

24:40

tolerate theirs? Everyone

24:43

you meet will have flaws, weaknesses,

24:46

and make mistakes. The question

24:48

you're asking yourself is are

24:51

these the ones I want to deal with? Everyone's

24:53

going to have something? Are these the ones

24:55

I'm comfortable with dealing with? Right?

24:58

There is going to be some mistake, there's going to be some flo

25:00

I'm okay with this one, and

25:02

you're subtle settling. If

25:04

you're accepting less

25:06

than you deserve. Of

25:08

course, if you're going through verbal, emotional,

25:11

physical abuse, then that

25:13

isn't something that you negotiate with. Those

25:16

are non negotiables, and those are

25:19

based on your self respect. And

25:21

a big part of it is that subtle settling

25:24

happens when we don't have a sense of self respect.

25:26

It's not arrogance, it's not ego. Do

25:30

I respect myself? Do I understand what human

25:33

level of respect is? And

25:35

the final one is financial dependence. You're

25:38

subtle settling if it's a financial

25:40

decision, If it's purely financial,

25:43

it's subtle settling. I

25:45

get it, I understand it, I empathize with it.

25:48

But you know that if it's just based on that,

25:51

then you're easily losing

25:54

out. So I hope this episode

25:56

helps you make a sense of subtle settling. I

25:58

hope it also helps you move towards a healthier

26:01

relationship. And I hope, obviously you hope

26:03

your friends think through these dilemmas.

26:06

Thank you so much for listening to on Purpose. Make

26:08

sure you pass this on to a friend. And here's

26:10

a reminder for you. I am forever

26:12

in your corner and I'm always rooting for you.

26:15

Thanks for listening. If you love this episode,

26:18

you'll enjoy my interview with doctor

26:20

Julie Smith on unblocking negative

26:22

emotions and how to embrace difficult

26:25

feelings, you've just got to be motivated every

26:27

day and if you're not, then what are you doing?

26:29

And actually humans don't work that way,

26:32

but motivation, you have to treat it like any other

26:34

emotion. Some days it will be there, some days it

26:36

won't