Episode Transcript
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Real Fan Posts. Welcome
2:02
to the Your Village Podcast, Parenting
2:05
Beyond Discipline. Your
2:07
Village is the most comprehensive site
2:09
for evidence-based parents and classes available
2:11
on demand at
2:14
yourvillageonline.com. Our
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50 plus classes give parents
2:18
the foundation, steps, and tools
2:20
for creating strong, healthy relationships
2:22
with their children, resulting in
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responsible, cooperative, happy, and successful
2:26
children and families. My
2:29
goal is to help parents support
2:31
their children in finding and reaching
2:33
their own unique potential. The
2:35
podcast is a place to learn
2:37
about all things parenting and get your
2:39
questions answered. I'm Your
2:42
Village founder and your host, Erin Royer.
2:45
Hello everyone. So
2:48
today I'm covering two great
2:50
questions from moms of toddlers.
2:53
It's no surprise that toddlerhood
2:56
is one of those times when most
2:58
parents or many parents can really struggle
3:01
with getting into this groove
3:03
of parenthood. It's a
3:05
good thing toddlers are so cute because it can
3:07
be a very trying stage. When
3:10
my husband and I used to talk about having
3:12
another baby or not, he would say he couldn't
3:14
do the sleepless nights again. And I said I
3:16
couldn't do toddlerhood again. Sorry parents
3:18
of toddlers, but that's the truth. It's
3:21
not even the tantrums of the meltdowns and
3:23
the big emotions. I think I can handle
3:25
those pretty well like a champ by now,
3:27
but for me it's the constant watching and
3:29
the movement. At a party, at a pool,
3:31
at the park, you just can't sit down.
3:34
When I watch moms of toddlers at our summer
3:36
swim team practice and how they constantly have to
3:38
be following or chasing their toddlers and can't even
3:40
have a conversation with the mom next to them,
3:43
I knew I was done. But
3:45
three times is enough for me. And
3:47
I am going to reiterate that when you do
3:49
the groundwork and build the foundation
3:52
during toddlerhood, the rest
3:54
of childhood and adolescence
3:56
is so amazing. I
3:59
love it. having teenagers. I
4:01
know we don't hear that very
4:03
often, but I think teenagers are
4:05
incredible when we raise them to
4:08
have all of these traits and
4:10
skills that will help them to
4:12
be emotionally intelligent and successful in
4:14
the world. So hang in there, do
4:16
the work, and I promise you it will be
4:19
amazing and well worth it. Okay,
4:22
so let's talk about toddlers. Our first
4:24
question is from Rebecca. Hello
4:26
Erin. I love your podcast and only wish
4:28
I had found it sooner. My question is
4:30
about my 16-month-old daughter that started pushing the
4:33
boundaries at around 13 months. It's
4:35
getting so much worse as she gains more and
4:38
more confidence. We are a very calm, cuddly
4:40
family and we and I spend a lot
4:42
of time with her, a stay-at-home mom, so
4:45
it's not for lack of attention. Here's
4:47
an example of what I'm talking about. There are two
4:49
cupboards she knows she isn't allowed into, but no matter
4:51
what I say or do, she looks at me in
4:54
the eye and pulls it open. I will
4:56
be trying to use the 1-2-3 magic with more
4:58
of a consequence attached, but when I tried that
5:00
last, she turned it into a game. So
5:02
much fun mommy, we're counting. Now she
5:05
counts along with me. I feel
5:07
she needs a stronger line, but I don't want
5:09
to be harsh, so I'm caught just taking toys
5:11
away. For another example, she has been
5:13
standing at the top of her slide and both
5:15
her father and I have tried countless ways of
5:17
trying to make her understand that if she falls,
5:20
it will hurt her, stating a consequence of taking
5:22
the slide away as she continues. That
5:24
in turn brings her attention to standing.
5:27
Now she just stands up to see if we're
5:29
watching and see if she will get away with
5:31
it, looking us in the eyes like it's a
5:33
dare, then dropping to her bum and haphazardly flying
5:35
down the slide. Needless to say, the slide has
5:38
been taken away for the time being. The problem
5:40
is the slide and some other toys we have
5:42
removed are the ones that keep herself entertained and
5:44
sometimes I just need time to get things done
5:46
without a struggle. Do you have any tricks to
5:48
helping with this and especially the blatant looking me
5:51
in the eye and doing exactly the opposite of
5:53
what I'm asking of her? One
5:55
other question, do you have any pointers to
5:58
keeping her from Throwing food? Frame.
6:00
Of about the she knows very well see isn't supposed
6:02
to but looks at us for their hand over the
6:04
side full of food and as soon as we notice.
6:06
Drops or throws it. Thanks.
6:08
So much for doing this podcast. Enjoy listening
6:11
to them! I also enjoy hearing about your.
6:13
Race and training adventures and look forward to
6:15
hearing what you have to say. So.
6:18
Rebecca I can totally pics are all
6:20
this happening? Testing boundaries is definitely part of
6:22
toddler hood and some kids more blatantly
6:24
test the limits with that left that you're
6:26
talking about than others. So as you
6:28
have several suggestions for each of these scenarios.
6:31
I want to start with a general
6:33
rule a question and the rule is
6:35
this: Try to aligned with the side
6:38
of yes or permission wherever possible. So.
6:40
Let's start by applying this with the first one,
6:43
the cupboards. What is the reason for her not
6:45
being allowed to get into these two clippers? Now
6:47
you may have a perfectly good reason for this,
6:49
so it's not to say that she should be
6:51
allowed in there at all, but sometimes we parents
6:54
go to an automatic know because it's easier or
6:56
because we're concerned they will get hurt or make
6:58
a mass or what have you when really it
7:00
could be just that we don't wanna be inconvenienced.
7:02
Now a good example of this that happens a
7:05
lot when kids are older is the ask can
7:07
I see as you can play and the parents
7:09
automatic answer is no. We go to
7:11
now because we don't want to have to make
7:13
the plans, drive them over, have an extra kid,
7:15
our house, and so we just automatically say no
7:17
and reminder just thinking. I'm busy I can't be bothered
7:19
with to say no. So. I asked
7:21
this question to help you really think about the
7:24
why behind it is it's still a now than
7:26
that sign that the boundary you want to set
7:28
and keep. but if you realize it's just because
7:30
she pull that too much stuff and maybe that's
7:32
not such a big deal then you can make
7:35
it something that's not off limits. And
7:37
here's the thing about toddlers. This.
7:39
Is the first push for independence? So the more
7:42
we say no, the more they. Want to try
7:44
or do whatever that is, especially if they're
7:46
more persistent and it sounds like you're done.
7:48
Her is. So if you're going to say
7:50
no you need to make sure it's a
7:52
boundary you're ready to hold. The cupboards are
7:54
easy once a sex because tell pressing for
7:56
anything we don't want. kids getting into is
7:58
the easiest way to do. That and.
8:00
We have does magnet locks on our kitchen cabinets
8:02
and maybe they have something new? Or even better
8:05
by now. And ah, this is a while ago,
8:07
but I love those. We. Had like
8:09
three of the magnets though, and we always
8:11
put them in the corner of one particular
8:13
cabinet, so we always had one handy to
8:15
have one or two of them.misplaced for a
8:17
few hours, we always had at least one
8:20
in that cabinet. But. This
8:22
way she can pull all she wants on
8:24
the covers and she is not getting. In
8:26
and it really makes your job easier.
8:28
You can also set those are the
8:31
magnet is needed or not so as
8:33
you're told ages you. Can open up
8:35
the access so when she swore she can
8:37
get into the pots and pans, but still
8:40
not the nice drawer so I highly recommend
8:42
those. And. I will let my kids
8:44
play with the pots and pans when I wanted
8:46
and when I said no I didn't have to
8:48
keep going over and dealing with keeping that boundaries
8:50
put in a subway, setting the door, pulling them
8:52
away, put in the behind a baby gate or
8:54
what other messages have for keeping them out of
8:56
that cabinet. The. Magnet Lox did it
8:59
for me. Know. When we
9:01
come back after word for my sponsor, I
9:03
will address the other concerns. The one
9:05
to three magic, the slide and the
9:07
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That we're back after the break. I'm going to
11:53
get to the rest of her back as questions.
11:55
So one, two, three. magic. She's.
11:57
Counting with you a seasons really cute. She may
11:59
or may not be trying to distract you, but
12:02
this is a tactic some kids were used to
12:04
try to unnerved are upset the flow of the
12:06
discipline. Usually they'll try to interrupt or say something
12:08
like just one second I need to grab Teddy
12:10
or whatever else excuse the use to derail. You
12:12
to just ignore it and keep moving forward.
12:15
Finished shooting and follow through on a consequence
12:17
that you gave. So it's it's I need
12:19
you to sit down on the slide or
12:21
I will get you down. Then when you
12:24
get to three and she's. Still standing, You
12:26
just take her down just as if she
12:28
hadn't been shooting with you. To
12:30
speaking of the food or wanna cover
12:32
another tool because or and com a
12:35
had their support for independence and are
12:37
so much testing. A boundaries in a
12:39
we set up they say down with
12:41
a block they say way you really
12:43
wanna try to state everything in the
12:45
positives The onset. Of please don't stand on
12:47
the slide you want to say we need to
12:49
sit down on we slide you are always try
12:52
to stay everything on the positive you and tell
12:54
your kids what to do not what not to
12:56
do because a sinister tell them what not to
12:58
do. That's exactly what they wanna deal and so
13:00
instead of. That cabin is
13:03
off limits you need to stay out of there
13:05
is want to give her some ideas or something
13:07
she could do so you can go take this
13:09
toy and play with this over here even solicit
13:11
her health and the kids and if there's something
13:13
that see to do to help you even if
13:15
it's totally fake favour of pretend to cut of
13:17
vegetables or anything else. That. She wants to
13:19
the or says she has some play sued. To
13:21
could sit on the floor and pretend to help you
13:24
fix dinner. walk with her. Own food, toys
13:26
on the floor, So.
13:30
Also along with the slide a little back to
13:32
the original. Rule I posed which is
13:34
asking yourself if the no rule said
13:36
be a solid no rule. So. My
13:38
question of that's a slide is how hurt Will
13:40
see got his he falls off and guessing it's
13:43
one of the small. Plastic slides that a
13:45
full sized one. If. It's full size,
13:47
you probably want to keep it put away for
13:49
a while. She's just obviously not ready to. follow
13:52
your instructions on how to use it safely but
13:55
if it's a small one and is on grass
13:57
or on rubber padding et cetera and she's not
13:59
to get real hurt if she falls down, I
14:01
would just use a reminder. Remember,
14:03
if you fall down, you might get hurt.
14:05
Now we say might or may, not you
14:08
will get hurt, because then if she doesn't
14:10
get hurt, you just lost some credibility. Now
14:12
I remember Carter had this habit of pushing
14:15
against the table with his feet when he was in
14:17
his booster seat when he was about that age. He
14:20
would get bored or he'd be done eating or whatever, and
14:22
the next thing you know, his feet are pushing against the
14:24
table and his chair is rocking back. I
14:26
warned him on several occasions, if you push the
14:28
table with your feet, your chair might tip all
14:31
the way over and you might get hurt. Now
14:33
the booster was a full back with padding, so I knew
14:35
if he fell back he would land on that. His head
14:38
would hit the top of the booster with all the padding
14:40
on it, it's like a full chair, but
14:42
sure enough one day he did and he
14:44
went back, not only that, but
14:46
he did a back roll out of the booster
14:48
seat and into the playroom onto the carpet. Now
14:51
he wasn't hurt at all, but it sure did
14:53
scare him and he never did that again. So
14:57
sometimes those natural consequences are the
14:59
best way to teach a lesson.
15:04
If it does happen though, try not to use
15:06
the I told you so language, just explain cause
15:08
and effect. I see you
15:10
were standing up on the slide and you fell off, that must
15:12
have hurt. And of course you also
15:15
want to soothe and cuddle while you're given that
15:17
explanation. You can still cuddle
15:19
and soothe and help
15:21
your child feel better, but also explain the
15:23
cause and effect of that situation. Now
15:27
there's not really anything you can do about
15:29
that blatant look of challenge. The best things
15:31
are to follow through the guideline of is
15:34
this a boundary I really need to set
15:36
and if so, just be ready to follow
15:38
through with one, two, three magic or by
15:40
taking whatever away that you said you would. Well
15:42
of course using a tool of
15:44
child proofing to keep yourself from having to
15:46
supervise so closely. So if
15:49
the slide really is too dangerous, putting that
15:51
away until she's a little bit more ready
15:53
to listen and follow the directions on that.
15:55
And the same thing with the kitchen cabinets, just
15:58
childproof those so she can't get into them. Same
16:00
thing with any rooms we don't want our kids to
16:02
get into. Instead of constantly telling them that room is
16:04
off limits, you can't go in that room. Please stay
16:07
out here. You can just put one of
16:09
those childproof door knobs
16:11
on so they can't get into rooms or cupboards
16:13
or anything else that they really shouldn't be
16:15
getting into. It makes our job easier and
16:17
it really sets that limit that there's no
16:19
way they can get around. As
16:22
for throwing food, when she does this, you can give
16:24
a warning. If you throw the food, it tells me
16:26
you were finished eating and I will take you down.
16:29
As soon as she throws it or drops it, okay,
16:31
I can see you're done eating and then you can take her
16:33
down. Now it's up to you if you
16:35
want to let her try again five minutes later if she
16:37
really hadn't eaten anything and you think she's really hungry, or
16:40
if you think she was pretty close to being finished anyway,
16:42
you can just finish up with that,
16:44
take her down and that's the end of that
16:46
meal. If you do allow her to
16:48
get back up to eat and she does it a second
16:51
time, then she's definitely done for that meal. Also,
16:54
Rebecca, I'm glad you enjoyed my racing updates. So I'll
16:56
share a super quick one. My next race is five
16:58
and a half weeks away, but I've
17:00
been dealing with knee issues lately. It's swelling up
17:02
every two weeks and it turns out I don't
17:04
need a new knee, so I'm really happy about
17:06
that. It seems like anytime I have a
17:08
joint problem, I hear I need a new one, so I'm
17:11
so tired of that news. So I'm glad
17:13
that that wasn't it, but I'm now in physical
17:15
therapy, trying to get my patella to track better.
17:18
So I'm feeling good about my swimming and my biking,
17:20
but unfortunately the running has really been a challenge. So
17:22
we'll see how the rest of this training finishes up
17:24
and how the race goes for me. So
17:27
onto our next question from Renee who writes,
17:29
hi, Erin, I've been listening to your podcast
17:31
and classes and trying to implement your tactics
17:33
regarding positive parenting for about two to three
17:35
weeks. I have a very active, sensitive
17:38
and less adaptive son who just turned
17:40
four. We have new houses about
17:42
three months ago to a new town and we also
17:44
have a new baby who is now six months old. Obviously
17:47
this is quite a change. My husband
17:49
is in the military and we can be away for months
17:51
at a time. We've been having some power
17:53
struggles and tantrums, which I think have worsened since
17:55
we moved. Basically, whenever my four
17:57
year old feels strongly about something or is
17:59
getting. tired he becomes very aggressive. He
18:02
starts yelling rawr into my face and
18:04
when I get down to talk to him. This
18:07
was leading to hitting but having been told not to hit
18:09
he is now pinching. We were
18:11
using a naughty chair concept from the super nanny
18:13
before I started listening to you but now I'm trying
18:15
to talk to him, stay calm, and do your steps like
18:17
it's a tantrum. But I'm just feeling
18:19
a bit confused and overwhelmed as to what is
18:21
helping and what is not. This seems
18:24
to stop it turning into a full-on meltdown but
18:26
it's not stopping the pinching. It seems like he's
18:28
trying to get a reaction from me. It's very
18:30
concerning because I feel like he's trying to hurt
18:32
me. I'm just not sure
18:35
what to do in the throes of him
18:37
pinching me. Maybe paying him attention when he's
18:39
doing this is reinforcing the behavior. Should I
18:41
be walking away? We have a big chat
18:43
afterwards and he knows to apologize but the
18:45
behavior continues next conflict. He
18:47
was an early talker and really didn't have
18:49
a lot of tantrums until the last nine
18:52
months or so. I'm frightened he won't be
18:54
able to play properly with other kids. He
18:56
actually pinched my mother-in-law just this week when
18:58
she was watching the kids for me. He
19:00
did calm and apologize quickly according to my
19:02
mother-in-law but I'm just horrified it happened in
19:05
the first place. Also we have
19:07
a six-month-old and I noticed my four-year-old can be
19:09
quite rough with him. We keep saying gentle hands
19:11
but I was just wondering if there is a
19:13
better way. I don't want to discourage
19:15
interaction but I can't have him hurting the baby.
19:17
I have just started to say you're such
19:19
a big strong four-year-old now so it's easy for
19:21
your strong muscles to hurt your little brother. I
19:24
don't know if this is the right tact. I
19:26
really appreciate any tips you might
19:28
have for this situation. This is
19:30
a great question with a lot of great detail from
19:33
Renee. First I want to say there are a
19:35
lot of changes so this is not a surprise
19:37
that he's struggling a little bit with behavior probably
19:39
more so than he would have if
19:42
there weren't so many changes that happened so quickly.
19:46
Also any aggressive behavior the hitting the
19:48
kicking the punching pinching throwing toys while
19:51
normal at four toddlers up through
19:53
four tend to react aggressively as their
19:55
brains are still developing when they get
19:57
overwhelmed with frustration and anger so they tend to act
20:00
out physically so this is not uncommon.
20:02
But you just want to work to teach better ways of reacting
20:04
which is what you're doing. So
20:06
just like the hitting, pinching would be obviously
20:09
a no tolerance on the no tolerance list.
20:11
So having a talk with him, anytime he's
20:14
calm about the pinching. It seems
20:16
that now that we have told you you're
20:18
not allowed to hit, that you've replaced it
20:20
with pinching. But pinching still hurts so this
20:22
is not okay. Me your grandma or
20:24
any friend are not going to want to play
20:26
with you when you pinch. So you need to
20:28
find a better way to share your frustration. The
20:31
next time you pinch me I will get up and walk away
20:33
because I don't like it. Then when
20:35
it happens you want to do just that. You
20:37
can say, you can either just not say anything
20:39
or you can remind him. Pinching hurts, I don't
20:42
like to be pinched so I don't want to
20:44
play right now. I'll come back in
20:46
five minutes and we can try again. Then
20:48
when you do come back you can talk to him about
20:50
it. What was he feeling? What could
20:52
he do instead of the pinching? That kind
20:54
of thing. Coach him through it. If he
20:56
doesn't have answers then you can prompt him
20:58
with answers. It will probably take a few
21:01
coaching sessions depending on how much it bothers him
21:03
that you've got up and left. It
21:05
could turn around really quickly or it could take a
21:07
few weeks to start to sink in. Now
21:10
I would stay close when he's around his
21:12
baby brother. Toddlers are known to
21:14
be little stinkers at times with baby siblings.
21:16
It's totally normal. There's going to
21:18
be some sibling rivalry in there and since babies
21:20
can't talk it's common to see what they can
21:22
get away with. Meaning
21:24
the toddler, what the toddler can get away with since the
21:26
baby can't tell on them. Now whether
21:29
he were having this pinching issue or not
21:31
I would recommend to always stay close and
21:33
be watching just as much as possible anyway.
21:35
I know it's not always totally possible but
21:37
just be aware that this is a common
21:39
issue and to do the best you can. As
21:42
far as facilitating positive interactions between the
21:44
two brothers you can try to guide
21:46
their interactions. Let him know what his
21:48
brother can do and let him do
21:50
that with him. Whether it's rolling
21:53
the ball back and forth, showing him how to stack
21:55
blocks and those types of things. Lots
21:57
of encouragement and positive feedback when he's around him.
22:00
Positively with his brother about how he
22:02
taught his brother something new or look
22:04
how he makes his brother laugh or
22:06
smile. This will teach him what you
22:08
like to see and that having positive
22:10
interactions with his brother makes everyone happy
22:13
You his brother and he also really
22:15
good about himself to. Southern.
22:17
Love to see there are set on the
22:19
world and him thing that he can make
22:21
a positive effect like teaching his brother something
22:23
new or making him laugh or smile will
22:25
be a huge positive feedback for him and
22:27
he'll want to do more of that. Now
22:30
he probably is not syncing you to
22:32
for. You on Purpose. Empathy is just
22:35
starting to come on board at three
22:37
and so it for it's really, really
22:39
under developed and it takes six to.
22:41
Seven years for it to develop more
22:43
fully. So he really doesn't realize the
22:46
cause and effect of the pinching? that
22:48
it will actually cause pain and you,
22:50
but he's probably doing it to get
22:52
your attention. So the language that I
22:54
gave you i don't like pinching, pinching
22:56
hurts. Is what will start to teach him that
22:58
empathy piece of it. But.
23:00
There is an effect of his pinching enough that
23:02
it hurts you. So. Working on
23:05
a positive attention, positive reinforcement and spending a
23:07
little time with him just one on one
23:09
each day even as display time or a
23:11
book will also help him feel special that
23:14
him that attention that he needs and helps
23:16
to cut down on the negative. Things to
23:18
get attention. And. Also, what you've been
23:20
doing letting him now and he's getting too rough
23:22
is just fine. just the way you have them
23:25
sit or kids don't. Realize doesn't.
23:28
So. The movie need to wait.
23:31
If you have a few is increasing you like
23:33
answered for a specific started rehearsing for you Feel
23:35
free to reach out and sending any know. Something's.
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Happening in if you know that feeling
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when you get a new pair of
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shoes and just feel faster and when
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your favorite team finally put the pieces
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together and you get a with. The
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greatness city can be like.
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After. Decades of dreaming big
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