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Real Fan Posts. Welcome

2:02

to the Your Village Podcast, Parenting

2:05

Beyond Discipline. Your

2:07

Village is the most comprehensive site

2:09

for evidence-based parents and classes available

2:11

on demand at

2:14

yourvillageonline.com. Our

2:16

50 plus classes give parents

2:18

the foundation, steps, and tools

2:20

for creating strong, healthy relationships

2:22

with their children, resulting in

2:24

responsible, cooperative, happy, and successful

2:26

children and families. My

2:29

goal is to help parents support

2:31

their children in finding and reaching

2:33

their own unique potential. The

2:35

podcast is a place to learn

2:37

about all things parenting and get your

2:39

questions answered. I'm Your

2:42

Village founder and your host, Erin Royer.

2:45

Hello everyone. So

2:48

today I'm covering two great

2:50

questions from moms of toddlers.

2:53

It's no surprise that toddlerhood

2:56

is one of those times when most

2:58

parents or many parents can really struggle

3:01

with getting into this groove

3:03

of parenthood. It's a

3:05

good thing toddlers are so cute because it can

3:07

be a very trying stage. When

3:10

my husband and I used to talk about having

3:12

another baby or not, he would say he couldn't

3:14

do the sleepless nights again. And I said I

3:16

couldn't do toddlerhood again. Sorry parents

3:18

of toddlers, but that's the truth. It's

3:21

not even the tantrums of the meltdowns and

3:23

the big emotions. I think I can handle

3:25

those pretty well like a champ by now,

3:27

but for me it's the constant watching and

3:29

the movement. At a party, at a pool,

3:31

at the park, you just can't sit down.

3:34

When I watch moms of toddlers at our summer

3:36

swim team practice and how they constantly have to

3:38

be following or chasing their toddlers and can't even

3:40

have a conversation with the mom next to them,

3:43

I knew I was done. But

3:45

three times is enough for me. And

3:47

I am going to reiterate that when you do

3:49

the groundwork and build the foundation

3:52

during toddlerhood, the rest

3:54

of childhood and adolescence

3:56

is so amazing. I

3:59

love it. having teenagers. I

4:01

know we don't hear that very

4:03

often, but I think teenagers are

4:05

incredible when we raise them to

4:08

have all of these traits and

4:10

skills that will help them to

4:12

be emotionally intelligent and successful in

4:14

the world. So hang in there, do

4:16

the work, and I promise you it will be

4:19

amazing and well worth it. Okay,

4:22

so let's talk about toddlers. Our first

4:24

question is from Rebecca. Hello

4:26

Erin. I love your podcast and only wish

4:28

I had found it sooner. My question is

4:30

about my 16-month-old daughter that started pushing the

4:33

boundaries at around 13 months. It's

4:35

getting so much worse as she gains more and

4:38

more confidence. We are a very calm, cuddly

4:40

family and we and I spend a lot

4:42

of time with her, a stay-at-home mom, so

4:45

it's not for lack of attention. Here's

4:47

an example of what I'm talking about. There are two

4:49

cupboards she knows she isn't allowed into, but no matter

4:51

what I say or do, she looks at me in

4:54

the eye and pulls it open. I will

4:56

be trying to use the 1-2-3 magic with more

4:58

of a consequence attached, but when I tried that

5:00

last, she turned it into a game. So

5:02

much fun mommy, we're counting. Now she

5:05

counts along with me. I feel

5:07

she needs a stronger line, but I don't want

5:09

to be harsh, so I'm caught just taking toys

5:11

away. For another example, she has been

5:13

standing at the top of her slide and both

5:15

her father and I have tried countless ways of

5:17

trying to make her understand that if she falls,

5:20

it will hurt her, stating a consequence of taking

5:22

the slide away as she continues. That

5:24

in turn brings her attention to standing.

5:27

Now she just stands up to see if we're

5:29

watching and see if she will get away with

5:31

it, looking us in the eyes like it's a

5:33

dare, then dropping to her bum and haphazardly flying

5:35

down the slide. Needless to say, the slide has

5:38

been taken away for the time being. The problem

5:40

is the slide and some other toys we have

5:42

removed are the ones that keep herself entertained and

5:44

sometimes I just need time to get things done

5:46

without a struggle. Do you have any tricks to

5:48

helping with this and especially the blatant looking me

5:51

in the eye and doing exactly the opposite of

5:53

what I'm asking of her? One

5:55

other question, do you have any pointers to

5:58

keeping her from Throwing food? Frame.

6:00

Of about the she knows very well see isn't supposed

6:02

to but looks at us for their hand over the

6:04

side full of food and as soon as we notice.

6:06

Drops or throws it. Thanks.

6:08

So much for doing this podcast. Enjoy listening

6:11

to them! I also enjoy hearing about your.

6:13

Race and training adventures and look forward to

6:15

hearing what you have to say. So.

6:18

Rebecca I can totally pics are all

6:20

this happening? Testing boundaries is definitely part of

6:22

toddler hood and some kids more blatantly

6:24

test the limits with that left that you're

6:26

talking about than others. So as you

6:28

have several suggestions for each of these scenarios.

6:31

I want to start with a general

6:33

rule a question and the rule is

6:35

this: Try to aligned with the side

6:38

of yes or permission wherever possible. So.

6:40

Let's start by applying this with the first one,

6:43

the cupboards. What is the reason for her not

6:45

being allowed to get into these two clippers? Now

6:47

you may have a perfectly good reason for this,

6:49

so it's not to say that she should be

6:51

allowed in there at all, but sometimes we parents

6:54

go to an automatic know because it's easier or

6:56

because we're concerned they will get hurt or make

6:58

a mass or what have you when really it

7:00

could be just that we don't wanna be inconvenienced.

7:02

Now a good example of this that happens a

7:05

lot when kids are older is the ask can

7:07

I see as you can play and the parents

7:09

automatic answer is no. We go to

7:11

now because we don't want to have to make

7:13

the plans, drive them over, have an extra kid,

7:15

our house, and so we just automatically say no

7:17

and reminder just thinking. I'm busy I can't be bothered

7:19

with to say no. So. I asked

7:21

this question to help you really think about the

7:24

why behind it is it's still a now than

7:26

that sign that the boundary you want to set

7:28

and keep. but if you realize it's just because

7:30

she pull that too much stuff and maybe that's

7:32

not such a big deal then you can make

7:35

it something that's not off limits. And

7:37

here's the thing about toddlers. This.

7:39

Is the first push for independence? So the more

7:42

we say no, the more they. Want to try

7:44

or do whatever that is, especially if they're

7:46

more persistent and it sounds like you're done.

7:48

Her is. So if you're going to say

7:50

no you need to make sure it's a

7:52

boundary you're ready to hold. The cupboards are

7:54

easy once a sex because tell pressing for

7:56

anything we don't want. kids getting into is

7:58

the easiest way to do. That and.

8:00

We have does magnet locks on our kitchen cabinets

8:02

and maybe they have something new? Or even better

8:05

by now. And ah, this is a while ago,

8:07

but I love those. We. Had like

8:09

three of the magnets though, and we always

8:11

put them in the corner of one particular

8:13

cabinet, so we always had one handy to

8:15

have one or two of them.misplaced for a

8:17

few hours, we always had at least one

8:20

in that cabinet. But. This

8:22

way she can pull all she wants on

8:24

the covers and she is not getting. In

8:26

and it really makes your job easier.

8:28

You can also set those are the

8:31

magnet is needed or not so as

8:33

you're told ages you. Can open up

8:35

the access so when she swore she can

8:37

get into the pots and pans, but still

8:40

not the nice drawer so I highly recommend

8:42

those. And. I will let my kids

8:44

play with the pots and pans when I wanted

8:46

and when I said no I didn't have to

8:48

keep going over and dealing with keeping that boundaries

8:50

put in a subway, setting the door, pulling them

8:52

away, put in the behind a baby gate or

8:54

what other messages have for keeping them out of

8:56

that cabinet. The. Magnet Lox did it

8:59

for me. Know. When we

9:01

come back after word for my sponsor, I

9:03

will address the other concerns. The one

9:05

to three magic, the slide and the

9:07

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That we're back after the break. I'm going to

11:53

get to the rest of her back as questions.

11:55

So one, two, three. magic. She's.

11:57

Counting with you a seasons really cute. She may

11:59

or may not be trying to distract you, but

12:02

this is a tactic some kids were used to

12:04

try to unnerved are upset the flow of the

12:06

discipline. Usually they'll try to interrupt or say something

12:08

like just one second I need to grab Teddy

12:10

or whatever else excuse the use to derail. You

12:12

to just ignore it and keep moving forward.

12:15

Finished shooting and follow through on a consequence

12:17

that you gave. So it's it's I need

12:19

you to sit down on the slide or

12:21

I will get you down. Then when you

12:24

get to three and she's. Still standing, You

12:26

just take her down just as if she

12:28

hadn't been shooting with you. To

12:30

speaking of the food or wanna cover

12:32

another tool because or and com a

12:35

had their support for independence and are

12:37

so much testing. A boundaries in a

12:39

we set up they say down with

12:41

a block they say way you really

12:43

wanna try to state everything in the

12:45

positives The onset. Of please don't stand on

12:47

the slide you want to say we need to

12:49

sit down on we slide you are always try

12:52

to stay everything on the positive you and tell

12:54

your kids what to do not what not to

12:56

do because a sinister tell them what not to

12:58

do. That's exactly what they wanna deal and so

13:00

instead of. That cabin is

13:03

off limits you need to stay out of there

13:05

is want to give her some ideas or something

13:07

she could do so you can go take this

13:09

toy and play with this over here even solicit

13:11

her health and the kids and if there's something

13:13

that see to do to help you even if

13:15

it's totally fake favour of pretend to cut of

13:17

vegetables or anything else. That. She wants to

13:19

the or says she has some play sued. To

13:21

could sit on the floor and pretend to help you

13:24

fix dinner. walk with her. Own food, toys

13:26

on the floor, So.

13:30

Also along with the slide a little back to

13:32

the original. Rule I posed which is

13:34

asking yourself if the no rule said

13:36

be a solid no rule. So. My

13:38

question of that's a slide is how hurt Will

13:40

see got his he falls off and guessing it's

13:43

one of the small. Plastic slides that a

13:45

full sized one. If. It's full size,

13:47

you probably want to keep it put away for

13:49

a while. She's just obviously not ready to. follow

13:52

your instructions on how to use it safely but

13:55

if it's a small one and is on grass

13:57

or on rubber padding et cetera and she's not

13:59

to get real hurt if she falls down, I

14:01

would just use a reminder. Remember,

14:03

if you fall down, you might get hurt.

14:05

Now we say might or may, not you

14:08

will get hurt, because then if she doesn't

14:10

get hurt, you just lost some credibility. Now

14:12

I remember Carter had this habit of pushing

14:15

against the table with his feet when he was in

14:17

his booster seat when he was about that age. He

14:20

would get bored or he'd be done eating or whatever, and

14:22

the next thing you know, his feet are pushing against the

14:24

table and his chair is rocking back. I

14:26

warned him on several occasions, if you push the

14:28

table with your feet, your chair might tip all

14:31

the way over and you might get hurt. Now

14:33

the booster was a full back with padding, so I knew

14:35

if he fell back he would land on that. His head

14:38

would hit the top of the booster with all the padding

14:40

on it, it's like a full chair, but

14:42

sure enough one day he did and he

14:44

went back, not only that, but

14:46

he did a back roll out of the booster

14:48

seat and into the playroom onto the carpet. Now

14:51

he wasn't hurt at all, but it sure did

14:53

scare him and he never did that again. So

14:57

sometimes those natural consequences are the

14:59

best way to teach a lesson.

15:04

If it does happen though, try not to use

15:06

the I told you so language, just explain cause

15:08

and effect. I see you

15:10

were standing up on the slide and you fell off, that must

15:12

have hurt. And of course you also

15:15

want to soothe and cuddle while you're given that

15:17

explanation. You can still cuddle

15:19

and soothe and help

15:21

your child feel better, but also explain the

15:23

cause and effect of that situation. Now

15:27

there's not really anything you can do about

15:29

that blatant look of challenge. The best things

15:31

are to follow through the guideline of is

15:34

this a boundary I really need to set

15:36

and if so, just be ready to follow

15:38

through with one, two, three magic or by

15:40

taking whatever away that you said you would. Well

15:42

of course using a tool of

15:44

child proofing to keep yourself from having to

15:46

supervise so closely. So if

15:49

the slide really is too dangerous, putting that

15:51

away until she's a little bit more ready

15:53

to listen and follow the directions on that.

15:55

And the same thing with the kitchen cabinets, just

15:58

childproof those so she can't get into them. Same

16:00

thing with any rooms we don't want our kids to

16:02

get into. Instead of constantly telling them that room is

16:04

off limits, you can't go in that room. Please stay

16:07

out here. You can just put one of

16:09

those childproof door knobs

16:11

on so they can't get into rooms or cupboards

16:13

or anything else that they really shouldn't be

16:15

getting into. It makes our job easier and

16:17

it really sets that limit that there's no

16:19

way they can get around. As

16:22

for throwing food, when she does this, you can give

16:24

a warning. If you throw the food, it tells me

16:26

you were finished eating and I will take you down.

16:29

As soon as she throws it or drops it, okay,

16:31

I can see you're done eating and then you can take her

16:33

down. Now it's up to you if you

16:35

want to let her try again five minutes later if she

16:37

really hadn't eaten anything and you think she's really hungry, or

16:40

if you think she was pretty close to being finished anyway,

16:42

you can just finish up with that,

16:44

take her down and that's the end of that

16:46

meal. If you do allow her to

16:48

get back up to eat and she does it a second

16:51

time, then she's definitely done for that meal. Also,

16:54

Rebecca, I'm glad you enjoyed my racing updates. So I'll

16:56

share a super quick one. My next race is five

16:58

and a half weeks away, but I've

17:00

been dealing with knee issues lately. It's swelling up

17:02

every two weeks and it turns out I don't

17:04

need a new knee, so I'm really happy about

17:06

that. It seems like anytime I have a

17:08

joint problem, I hear I need a new one, so I'm

17:11

so tired of that news. So I'm glad

17:13

that that wasn't it, but I'm now in physical

17:15

therapy, trying to get my patella to track better.

17:18

So I'm feeling good about my swimming and my biking,

17:20

but unfortunately the running has really been a challenge. So

17:22

we'll see how the rest of this training finishes up

17:24

and how the race goes for me. So

17:27

onto our next question from Renee who writes,

17:29

hi, Erin, I've been listening to your podcast

17:31

and classes and trying to implement your tactics

17:33

regarding positive parenting for about two to three

17:35

weeks. I have a very active, sensitive

17:38

and less adaptive son who just turned

17:40

four. We have new houses about

17:42

three months ago to a new town and we also

17:44

have a new baby who is now six months old. Obviously

17:47

this is quite a change. My husband

17:49

is in the military and we can be away for months

17:51

at a time. We've been having some power

17:53

struggles and tantrums, which I think have worsened since

17:55

we moved. Basically, whenever my four

17:57

year old feels strongly about something or is

17:59

getting. tired he becomes very aggressive. He

18:02

starts yelling rawr into my face and

18:04

when I get down to talk to him. This

18:07

was leading to hitting but having been told not to hit

18:09

he is now pinching. We were

18:11

using a naughty chair concept from the super nanny

18:13

before I started listening to you but now I'm trying

18:15

to talk to him, stay calm, and do your steps like

18:17

it's a tantrum. But I'm just feeling

18:19

a bit confused and overwhelmed as to what is

18:21

helping and what is not. This seems

18:24

to stop it turning into a full-on meltdown but

18:26

it's not stopping the pinching. It seems like he's

18:28

trying to get a reaction from me. It's very

18:30

concerning because I feel like he's trying to hurt

18:32

me. I'm just not sure

18:35

what to do in the throes of him

18:37

pinching me. Maybe paying him attention when he's

18:39

doing this is reinforcing the behavior. Should I

18:41

be walking away? We have a big chat

18:43

afterwards and he knows to apologize but the

18:45

behavior continues next conflict. He

18:47

was an early talker and really didn't have

18:49

a lot of tantrums until the last nine

18:52

months or so. I'm frightened he won't be

18:54

able to play properly with other kids. He

18:56

actually pinched my mother-in-law just this week when

18:58

she was watching the kids for me. He

19:00

did calm and apologize quickly according to my

19:02

mother-in-law but I'm just horrified it happened in

19:05

the first place. Also we have

19:07

a six-month-old and I noticed my four-year-old can be

19:09

quite rough with him. We keep saying gentle hands

19:11

but I was just wondering if there is a

19:13

better way. I don't want to discourage

19:15

interaction but I can't have him hurting the baby.

19:17

I have just started to say you're such

19:19

a big strong four-year-old now so it's easy for

19:21

your strong muscles to hurt your little brother. I

19:24

don't know if this is the right tact. I

19:26

really appreciate any tips you might

19:28

have for this situation. This is

19:30

a great question with a lot of great detail from

19:33

Renee. First I want to say there are a

19:35

lot of changes so this is not a surprise

19:37

that he's struggling a little bit with behavior probably

19:39

more so than he would have if

19:42

there weren't so many changes that happened so quickly.

19:46

Also any aggressive behavior the hitting the

19:48

kicking the punching pinching throwing toys while

19:51

normal at four toddlers up through

19:53

four tend to react aggressively as their

19:55

brains are still developing when they get

19:57

overwhelmed with frustration and anger so they tend to act

20:00

out physically so this is not uncommon.

20:02

But you just want to work to teach better ways of reacting

20:04

which is what you're doing. So

20:06

just like the hitting, pinching would be obviously

20:09

a no tolerance on the no tolerance list.

20:11

So having a talk with him, anytime he's

20:14

calm about the pinching. It seems

20:16

that now that we have told you you're

20:18

not allowed to hit, that you've replaced it

20:20

with pinching. But pinching still hurts so this

20:22

is not okay. Me your grandma or

20:24

any friend are not going to want to play

20:26

with you when you pinch. So you need to

20:28

find a better way to share your frustration. The

20:31

next time you pinch me I will get up and walk away

20:33

because I don't like it. Then when

20:35

it happens you want to do just that. You

20:37

can say, you can either just not say anything

20:39

or you can remind him. Pinching hurts, I don't

20:42

like to be pinched so I don't want to

20:44

play right now. I'll come back in

20:46

five minutes and we can try again. Then

20:48

when you do come back you can talk to him about

20:50

it. What was he feeling? What could

20:52

he do instead of the pinching? That kind

20:54

of thing. Coach him through it. If he

20:56

doesn't have answers then you can prompt him

20:58

with answers. It will probably take a few

21:01

coaching sessions depending on how much it bothers him

21:03

that you've got up and left. It

21:05

could turn around really quickly or it could take a

21:07

few weeks to start to sink in. Now

21:10

I would stay close when he's around his

21:12

baby brother. Toddlers are known to

21:14

be little stinkers at times with baby siblings.

21:16

It's totally normal. There's going to

21:18

be some sibling rivalry in there and since babies

21:20

can't talk it's common to see what they can

21:22

get away with. Meaning

21:24

the toddler, what the toddler can get away with since the

21:26

baby can't tell on them. Now whether

21:29

he were having this pinching issue or not

21:31

I would recommend to always stay close and

21:33

be watching just as much as possible anyway.

21:35

I know it's not always totally possible but

21:37

just be aware that this is a common

21:39

issue and to do the best you can. As

21:42

far as facilitating positive interactions between the

21:44

two brothers you can try to guide

21:46

their interactions. Let him know what his

21:48

brother can do and let him do

21:50

that with him. Whether it's rolling

21:53

the ball back and forth, showing him how to stack

21:55

blocks and those types of things. Lots

21:57

of encouragement and positive feedback when he's around him.

22:00

Positively with his brother about how he

22:02

taught his brother something new or look

22:04

how he makes his brother laugh or

22:06

smile. This will teach him what you

22:08

like to see and that having positive

22:10

interactions with his brother makes everyone happy

22:13

You his brother and he also really

22:15

good about himself to. Southern.

22:17

Love to see there are set on the

22:19

world and him thing that he can make

22:21

a positive effect like teaching his brother something

22:23

new or making him laugh or smile will

22:25

be a huge positive feedback for him and

22:27

he'll want to do more of that. Now

22:30

he probably is not syncing you to

22:32

for. You on Purpose. Empathy is just

22:35

starting to come on board at three

22:37

and so it for it's really, really

22:39

under developed and it takes six to.

22:41

Seven years for it to develop more

22:43

fully. So he really doesn't realize the

22:46

cause and effect of the pinching? that

22:48

it will actually cause pain and you,

22:50

but he's probably doing it to get

22:52

your attention. So the language that I

22:54

gave you i don't like pinching, pinching

22:56

hurts. Is what will start to teach him that

22:58

empathy piece of it. But.

23:00

There is an effect of his pinching enough that

23:02

it hurts you. So. Working on

23:05

a positive attention, positive reinforcement and spending a

23:07

little time with him just one on one

23:09

each day even as display time or a

23:11

book will also help him feel special that

23:14

him that attention that he needs and helps

23:16

to cut down on the negative. Things to

23:18

get attention. And. Also, what you've been

23:20

doing letting him now and he's getting too rough

23:22

is just fine. just the way you have them

23:25

sit or kids don't. Realize doesn't.

23:28

So. The movie need to wait.

23:31

If you have a few is increasing you like

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answered for a specific started rehearsing for you Feel

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