0:00

If there's not cheese in my lasagna, I am

0:03

Real Housewives of New Jersey flipping the table

0:05

over. Over. Welcome back

0:07

to Petty Crimes, the only true

0:09

crime comedy podcast that exclusively investigates...

0:13

Non-crimes.

0:17

My name is Griffith.

0:21

And I'm Kirith. Welcome back. Welcome

0:24

back, petty criminals. Kira, what's

0:27

good, girl? Oh,

0:29

you know, just got done spending

0:32

the week with Bad Bunny. Yes.

0:35

Benito. Yes. And

0:39

it was, it was heaven. It was great. I had a blast. I'm

0:42

loving it. I'm getting through your sketches and

0:44

y'all are good. It's

0:48

a good episode to watch. I mean,

0:51

cohesively, I will say. I

0:53

know people love to, like a lot of people

0:55

consume the sketches just like as they pop up online. But

0:58

this one in particular is a good cohesive

1:01

watch. Okay. Okay. I

1:03

will hop on to Peacock and

1:08

watch it holistically.

1:09

Only if you feel like it. You have

1:12

no obligation. Being my friend is enough. Oh,

1:14

okay. Then nevermind. So

1:17

glad you said that. What's

1:20

new with you, Griff? What's going on? Oh, not

1:22

too much. I forgot to tell you. You

1:24

know, I went to Catalina Island a few weekends ago and I got

1:27

my little injury. Yes. But

1:30

when I, so we, we boat out

1:32

there Friday night. We did like a night boat

1:34

trip. So it took five hours and it was totally

1:36

dark across the sea. We

1:38

get there, we like conk out, we all sleep. And

1:41

then in the morning we meet up with our friends on

1:43

their boat. And as we're getting

1:46

onto their boat after the dinghies like pulled up,

1:48

I know it sounds so bougie. And it kind of was.

1:50

This was kind of a bougie weekend for Griff. I

1:53

get on the boat and I'm like introducing myself

1:55

to these people that I kind of know, but don't

1:57

know. And there are a few people that I don't.

2:00

And so I go up to this girl, I'm like, hi, I'm

2:02

Griff. And then I turned to this guy and I'm like, hi, I'm Griff.

2:04

And he's like, hi, I'm Kenny. And

2:07

we were both like, why do you look familiar?

2:10

And he's like, I don't know. And I was like, did

2:12

you always my go-to, everyone

2:14

get your shot ready, speaking up too.

2:17

I was like, did you go to Boston College? And

2:22

he goes, yes, I did. And

2:24

I was like, what year were you? And he's like, 2014.

2:29

And I was like, well, that was the year I graduated.

2:31

And so we realized that we had spent

2:34

freshman year on Newton campus,

2:36

which is kind of this annex campus, very

2:39

intimate, very kind of closed off. And

2:41

then he had transferred midway

2:43

through sophomore year. And so I didn't realize that

2:46

because the edit left, but we both, I guess,

2:48

like had enough interactions freshman year

2:50

that we looked familiar. And

2:52

so we were like, holy shit, nice to see you. And we caught

2:54

up obviously across the day and just

2:57

funny small world, right?

2:59

Absolutely, that was 13 years ago.

3:00

Oh my gosh, nauseating.

3:04

Speaking of, look at what I've got in my hands.

3:08

Uh-huh. I

3:12

just held up our Boston College magazine

3:15

feature and Kira went,

3:17

well, you heard her, you heard her both. No,

3:21

it's very cute. It

3:23

is, we love it. It's funny,

3:25

I feel like you

3:27

and I, Griff, each had, you

3:30

had your short film premiere that was really

3:32

exciting in LA. And the

3:35

Time magazine feature, the summer was so exciting.

3:38

I've had some, blah, blah, blah.

3:41

All this to say, I've never heard from

3:43

so many people as when we were in our colleges

3:45

magazine. 100%, we heard from all the dads,

3:50

the boomer dads about time.

3:53

I heard from all my liberal

3:55

millennial friends about New York times. God

3:57

dang, we're crushing it. And

4:00

yeah, like, BC, I've gotten

4:02

a lot of DMs from, that's like a big network

4:04

for us. So it's kind of cool to see that. And it's

4:07

a magazine that like, I don't know, exists on my

4:10

coffee table every whatever

4:12

quarter, semi-annually.

4:15

So that one I'm proud of and that one

4:17

I orchestrated. You

4:18

did, you worked hard for it. And you know what? To

4:20

me, a good lesson because I would have

4:23

just like said pass on it, like,

4:25

and you were like, no, I want to do this. And

4:28

it came out so good. And

4:30

also, I think she's really talented.

4:32

Yeah, the feature itself was well-written.

4:34

I really enjoyed reading it. And it was, yeah,

4:37

it's like interesting. You've had this, I'm sure

4:39

with your, oh, I

4:41

see a cat. Well,

4:44

this is your mustache. Yeah,

4:47

it's just cool to see yourself like written

4:50

from a professional standpoint. And like, you've obviously

4:52

probably had that a few times

4:55

because you've paid people to write about you. No.

4:59

It's cool. It's like, as the show grows and thanks

5:01

to the petty criminals once again, it's just

5:04

cool. It's totally cool. Pinching myself.

5:07

All right, Griff, are you ready?

5:08

I think so. I know the subject

5:11

matter. And

5:13

that's it.

5:14

Okay. Yes, Griff has seen only

5:17

the subject heading of this email, which

5:20

I think is a perfect

5:22

petty crime and is,

5:25

in some ways, similar, but also

5:28

quite unique from others.

5:30

Cool. Okay.

5:31

Without further ado,

5:33

this is an email that came to us with the subject

5:36

heading, revenge lasagna.

5:41

Hi guys.

5:43

I have a very stupid story for you.

5:48

That kind of defined my social experiences

5:50

late in the pandemic.

5:52

This was, a

5:56

petty time to be sure. God, the pettiest.

5:59

This was early 2021 and basically

6:02

I've been hanging out with the same few people

6:05

a

6:05

bit too much

6:06

for a bit too long. We'd

6:09

all lost our minds a little bit.

6:11

Griff, is this resonating?

6:13

It is. Yeah, for sure.

6:16

I feel like the person, I mean, I was just losing

6:18

my mind with myself mostly.

6:21

But yeah, my like my neighbor I saw all the

6:23

time, actually, we built a great friendship. But

6:25

then yeah, I had like a bubble. But

6:27

they weren't. Yeah. I mean,

6:29

I'm a submitter means like it was. Yeah,

6:32

it was tough. Totally. I'm a social butterfly

6:35

and I was definitely turned back into a caterpillar.

6:38

There are three main people

6:41

in this story.

6:42

Me

6:43

who will call Giada. Okay.

6:46

My friend

6:46

Mia and my

6:49

other friend Teresa.

6:51

Got it. Okay. Giving

6:54

a ton of music, but also like lasagna is going to be on the table. Yeah.

6:57

So again, me, Giada, my

6:59

friend Mia and my other friend Teresa.

7:02

Got it.

7:03

So Giada is our protagonist. Yep. While

7:06

things are good with all of us now,

7:08

thank you, antidepressants. Mia

7:12

and I had become extremely annoyed

7:14

with Teresa and all of Teresa's

7:16

annoying habits, like how she narrates

7:19

everything she's doing or going

7:21

to do. And she has to justify

7:23

out loud all of her food choices.

7:27

Interesting. Oh, there's

7:29

the word. I have a friend, Rachel, who listens

7:31

to this, who does that when she's driving.

7:33

That's it. Everything

7:35

that goes through her head when she's driving, like technically

7:38

she just speaks out loud. It's so funny.

7:41

Honestly, very cute. Yeah.

7:44

Well, we'll ask her fiance about that. Sure,

7:47

sure, sure.

7:48

What about the justifying out loud

7:50

all of her food choices? Can you picture that or

7:52

not quite?

7:54

Oh, yeah. I mean, I work as a professional

7:56

server, so I hear that and I receive that.

7:58

So some people just need to speak. get out loud to get to,

8:01

I guess,

8:02

what they want to eat, but

8:04

not my cup of tea. That's not usually I keep

8:07

my thoughts inside of my head with

8:09

that. But yeah, I mean, like,

8:11

and again, if you're if you're with her through

8:14

all of quarantine, those little kind of

8:16

like quirks start to really scream at you.

8:18

Ding, ding, ding. Dang

8:20

dong. Totally. Yeah.

8:24

Okay. So Teresa's also obsessed with

8:26

feeding people or housing people

8:29

or just generally being the provider

8:31

of all of her friends.

8:33

Mother Teresa. Mother. Yep.

8:37

Thoughts on that particular quality?

8:39

Lovely when it's I mean, we all

8:41

I mean, we don't all have moms, but like we

8:45

being mommed is nice until it's

8:47

not like it's the classic like mom, stop,

8:49

like stop. I don't need I don't need to

8:51

like smothering. Oh, I guess. Yeah, when mothering

8:54

becomes smothering. That's where I have

8:57

to get my ass in court. So

9:01

it's nice when a friend is like more, you know, hosts

9:04

and is is welcoming and warm. But

9:07

you know, it's like, I don't know that we need that all

9:09

the time. Totally. Yeah.

9:12

Totally. I'm a big boy. But

9:14

you know what, I think it's I'm as

9:18

of now, I'm kind of wanting to give her the benefit

9:20

of the doubt. I'm like, that sounds like a nice quality.

9:22

Okay, as of right now, it

9:24

seems nice. Yeah, I don't know. You're

9:26

very much you're very kind of mothery

9:29

to like every time I've come to your place. It's

9:31

always been like, are you hungry? And then like you

9:34

I remember one time you made the cutest little

9:36

like I was like, I'm not that hungry. I could have a little nibble.

9:38

And you made like three pieces of like

9:41

orange chicken stuck it in a little bowl

9:43

and gave me chopsticks. And I was like, excuse

9:46

me, I've never seen this side of Kira.

9:49

And I was satisfied.

9:50

I do love feeding people. But I

9:53

think like, I have this thought,

9:55

which is that like, I feel like people's

9:57

strengths are also their weaknesses,

9:59

which is like

9:59

Like, you got to take the good with the bad. Your

10:02

favorite things about people are oftentimes

10:05

real close to your least favorite things. I

10:08

like to feed people and I think

10:11

I'm generous, but I'm also

10:13

bossy. Bossy kiki, yeah. You know what

10:15

I mean?

10:16

Like, it's a little

10:19

bit, you got to take the good

10:20

with the bad kind of. Absolutely. Yeah,

10:22

my strength is definitely my Achilles heel and I've been working on that this

10:24

year,

10:25

but aside. Same, same. Same, same. Okay.

10:29

Teresa is also obsessed with the fact

10:31

that she's Italian. She is

10:34

from Philly slash New York, I don't know, and

10:36

she has this Sicilian grandmother who apparently

10:38

has a world famous lasagna recipe.

10:41

Starting even in late 2020, remember

10:44

this story takes place in late 2021. Teresa

10:46

would constantly tell us she was going to make

10:48

us lasagna soon. Someday

10:51

soon she was going to make us lasagna, maybe

10:53

next week, next Sunday perhaps she'd be bringing

10:55

us lasagna.

10:58

For some reason it

11:00

required weeks and weeks of advanced planning

11:03

and yet kept not happening. She

11:05

did a really good job of hyping up this

11:08

world famous grandmother lasagna from

11:10

New Jersey slash Philly,

11:11

I don't know, and she wanted

11:12

us to eat it. She even promised to do

11:15

one tray with impossible meat since Mia

11:17

and I don't eat real meat.

11:19

Neither Mia or I asked for

11:21

this since normally we just don't

11:23

have meat in our

11:24

lasagna, but still we were excited for this

11:26

very much hyped up lasagna.

11:28

Interesting.

11:29

Okay, like lasagna, not

11:32

super familiar with lasagna. That was one

11:34

thing my dad didn't. Is

11:36

that funny to say?

11:38

No. I

11:41

just was

11:42

not expecting you to say I'm

11:44

not super familiar with lasagna.

11:47

I'm not. I was thinking I'm like does lasagna have meat

11:49

in it? Is it normally like meatless because

11:51

of what she said? I just, a lot of

11:53

my friends that I met, even growing

11:55

up, that was such a staple recipe

11:58

in their household. my

12:00

dad who was like kind of the main cook in our house

12:02

never really had that in rotation. So when

12:05

I would, I'm not familiar with

12:07

it. So like even her being like, it

12:10

takes some time to make, I'm going to make it for

12:12

you just hold on. It's like does it like is there an

12:14

ingredient that needs to, you know, age?

12:17

No. Okay.

12:19

No. Okay. I mean,

12:23

to give you my like 15 second

12:25

impression of lasagna, it's,

12:28

it's like a good meal to

12:30

feed a family because

12:31

it's one pan into

12:33

the oven cooks for 45 minutes,

12:35

pull it out,

12:37

feed the family leftovers

12:38

for the week. Yeah.

12:40

But like half the ingredients are

12:42

shelf stable. And the ones that

12:45

aren't are like ricotta

12:47

and parmesan and ground beef. Yeah,

12:49

ground beef if you're adding it.

12:51

But I would say most lasagna

12:53

have ground beef. I think that's

12:54

normal. Okay, got it. Wait,

12:56

and then thoughts on impossible meat,

12:58

criminal or minimal? Oh,

13:01

um, I guess like if someone

13:04

I'm cooking for doesn't eat meat, and

13:07

my recipe calls for, you know, ground

13:09

beef, I might just like exclude that

13:12

element and not substitute impossible meat. I'm not

13:15

I don't know if I'm pro or against impossible meat. I've had

13:17

impossible burgers before they're pretty good. But

13:19

I feel like in that case, I'd just be like, okay, I'll leave the meat

13:21

out. But that might be like, I don't

13:23

know if that's even super important. But

13:26

no, and I don't know, I could, I guess, see it either

13:28

way in this context. I didn't find the impossible meat

13:30

offensive or inoffensive. I'm like, Oh, it's

13:33

just like how she's gonna make her grandmother's

13:35

recipe.

13:35

But, but for you, totally.

13:38

And I guess if it's your grandmother's recipe, you should

13:40

probably try to honor it to the T as much

13:42

as possible. Or as much as

13:44

impossible. When

13:47

mothering becomes smothering. Oh,

13:50

it's early on the West Coast y'all. Like

13:53

I have no filter on my puns. Griff,

13:56

honestly, you're you're at the top of your game. Okay.

13:59

So we're excited for this much

14:02

hyped lasagna.

14:03

Finally, one weekend is designated

14:06

as Lasagna Weekend. According

14:08

to Mama Teresa, it was a process.

14:11

It was going to take her all weekend.

14:14

I stopped by at one point to hang out and there were

14:16

cooked

14:16

noodles laid all over the table

14:19

to dry. Uh-oh.

14:21

Yeah, I think maybe she's making

14:23

like

14:24

lasagna noodles from scratch? Question

14:26

mark? Yeah, like dry lasagna

14:29

is just not great.

14:31

Mm-mm.

14:32

Yeah, she cooked the noodles, which

14:35

you can either get the ones that, I guess

14:37

I, you can either get the ones that like

14:39

can go right into a lasagna in the oven and will be

14:41

cooked or you can get ones that you do have

14:44

to boil first. There's

14:45

like two different kinds of lasagna

14:47

noodles to buy. I'll take your word for it. Yeah.

14:52

Now, I don't know how to make

14:54

authentic Italian lasagna, so I

14:56

didn't question it. Teresa explained

14:58

to me that to help make the process

15:01

easier, she was using some jarred

15:03

sauce along with homemade. She was having

15:05

trouble with the impossible meat. Just

15:07

wasn't cooking the same as real meat, especially

15:09

for the meatballs.

15:12

Yeah. Yep, I would

15:14

imagine.

15:15

Now I don't tend to have meatballs in

15:17

my lasagna. Oh. I'm not

15:19

with my lasagna because the shapes

15:21

are not compatible. And

15:23

especially

15:24

if there's already ground beef

15:26

in the layers of the lasagna. But I didn't question

15:28

Teresa. I also didn't question her when I saw

15:31

no evidence and heard no mention

15:32

of cheese going into the lasagna. Surely,

15:35

there must be cheese in the lasagna.

15:37

It's lasagna.

15:39

If there's not cheese in my lasagna, I am

15:42

Real Housewives of New Jersey flipping the table.

15:46

Like, come on. That's like what lasagna is, right?

15:48

I assume lasagna translate to cheese.

15:51

Get your

15:53

table flipping hands ready, Griff. Good.

15:56

Hold on, I'm just out of my mic.

15:59

Late on Sunday evening, after texts

16:02

apologizing for the state of the impossible meatballs,

16:05

Tricia began delivering glass pyrex

16:08

containers full of lasagna to all

16:10

of her closest friends, including

16:12

me and Mia. I

16:14

took a bite of the lasagna, the

16:16

impossible lasagna. I

16:19

took another bite and then

16:21

another and then I

16:24

had to give up.

16:28

The noodles were hard. Oh

16:31

my gosh.

16:32

There was

16:34

no cheese.

16:37

The meatballs were bad and

16:39

unnecessary. And just

16:42

in general, it all

16:43

tasted bad. Oh

16:46

no. I know. Grandma.

16:51

Mama Teresa, what's wrong with

16:53

you? I thought that because the few

16:55

times I have had lasagna, I don't

16:57

love one. I don't love crispy on

17:00

soup. Sorry. If

17:03

a noodle has a little crisp, I don't really love that

17:05

because it's such a juxtaposition. I would

17:08

rather it just be soft or I

17:10

actually wouldn't take it crispy at all. So I hear

17:12

on that point, the no cheese, I just flipped my desk

17:14

over. You didn't see me, but I did. And

17:18

yeah, the meatballs, I love when she's like,

17:20

the shapes aren't compatible. Okay.

17:25

Okay. So grandma's rolling her engrave a little.

17:28

Also glass Pyrex

17:31

to go containers is giving mother.

17:33

It is.

17:34

Yeah. It's really sweet.

17:39

Maybe something was wrong with me. I thought maybe

17:42

I had COVID and it was

17:44

impacting my taste buds and making the noodles

17:46

taste crunchy.

17:46

Yeah. I'm

17:50

not sure it's a texture side effect.

17:53

Maybe it was fine and I just

17:55

was having a bad attitude. After

17:58

a few cautious texts. about

18:01

our deliveries, Mia and

18:03

I finally admitted to one another that

18:06

in fact we both perceived

18:08

the lasagna to

18:09

be terrible. Oh.

18:12

And that the biggest crime of all was that there

18:14

was no

18:15

cheese. Yeah.

18:18

Who doesn't put cheese in or

18:20

at least on lasagna?

18:22

Yeah

18:23

that's wild to me.

18:25

We were sad too because this

18:26

was supposed to be our dinner. We

18:29

were promised a delicious meal and

18:31

instead we got something gross and crunchy that

18:33

we didn't even feel like we could lie to Teresa

18:36

and say was good.

18:38

They're giving kid now

18:41

and yeah I get like I love food

18:44

I get I don't get hangry

18:46

I get focused when I'm hungry and

18:48

I do want to be satisfied maybe that is hangry so

18:51

the energy that they're like this

18:53

isn't what I wanted I'm hungry is

18:55

very much like that to your mom so it's

18:58

just like a weird little family. Totally

19:00

totally. Also

19:02

I can remember during COVID like you had so

19:05

little there at times

19:07

it felt like there was so

19:08

little to look forward to. It's become

19:11

a little bit hyper focused on like

19:14

meals. 100% that's

19:16

such a good point. Every Sunday I would

19:18

treat myself because there was nothing on my schedule

19:20

I was like I need something to look

19:22

forward to so I on Sunday to close

19:25

out the week and to start a new week I would

19:27

walk down to the local grocery store that had such a

19:29

lovely little bakery and just get a little

19:31

quarter of a piece of chocolate cake.

19:35

That became ritual and that became something I looked

19:37

forward to and I will say one time they didn't have

19:39

that in stock the German chocolate cake

19:42

and I had

19:44

a little hissy fit. Not in the grocery store of course I would

19:46

never I just I took

19:48

it out on my wall. Sure. Yeah.

19:52

I punched a wall. No yeah so I kind of I see

19:55

both sides like the kids are kidsing and

19:58

she makes J. Lasagna. Hey,

20:02

petty criminal, have you had a hard time finding

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new or curated music? Are

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you interested in multiple perspectives on relationships

20:09

and dating? I know I am. Then

20:12

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20:17

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Twice a week Bridget and Mandy have nostalgic

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conversations, political

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and pop culture conversations, and

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some relationship slash hot take

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conversations in their slightly toxic

20:35

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20:37

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20:37

guys are going to resonate with. Ooh, slightly

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toxic.

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20:53

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20:56

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See the Thing Is.

21:01

We had been looking forward to this lasagna for

21:03

weeks

21:04

and this was just not it.

21:08

So the next day, with barely 12 hours

21:10

of planning, I took one quick

21:13

trip to Trader Joe's and then I

21:15

made a full lasagna with all

21:17

homemade sauce, no meat, and

21:20

tons of cheese. I took it over

21:22

to Mia's house and we ate like

21:24

queens. It was delicious.

21:27

We called it revenge lasagna.

21:28

We

21:34

ate

21:34

the leftovers for days and we simply

21:36

never gave Teresa any feedback

21:38

about her strange pasta

21:41

monstrosity. Okay.

21:43

Thoughts

21:45

on that, Griff?

21:48

Um, yeah,

21:51

I know. I mean, like, what feedback do you give?

21:53

Like, it's either you lie and I'm

21:57

sure this will be part of the verdicts maybe. Like

22:00

you either lie and say that, oh my God, it was so

22:03

good. I loved how hard it was.

22:05

Or you

22:09

withhold truth. But

22:12

like,

22:12

I don't know. Okay,

22:14

we'll think about that in the verdicts. But

22:16

I don't know that I care that

22:18

they look forward to something and they made it with themselves

22:20

and had a feast. I'm kind of like

22:23

for that.

22:23

I'm pro that move, I think.

22:26

I get it. Yeah. I get it. Especially

22:28

to our point during this time where it's like

22:31

your meals are like your social

22:34

satisfaction. Big time. Yep.

22:38

Now many other people have heard this story.

22:41

We called one friend who lived on the other side

22:43

of our very large city to tell her the tale. And

22:45

the call was actually interrupted

22:48

by mother Teresa pulling up outside

22:50

with a pyrex full of not lasagna.

22:54

Just other stuff. She's no

22:57

like she's saying that lasagna is not even

22:59

worthy to be called lasagna. Oh

23:01

God. Oh God. Oh no.

23:04

Months later, I told my boyfriend

23:06

who also happened to be a coworker of Teresa's

23:09

and it made us both crave lasagna.

23:11

So we made revenge lasagna

23:13

part two.

23:15

Oh my gosh.

23:16

Now Teresa has threatened to

23:18

make us lasagna again. But

23:21

this time she did specifically mention

23:24

ricotta as an ingredient.

23:27

So maybe it's time to give her a

23:29

second chance.

23:30

Yeah. Well, I mean like adding cheese

23:32

to lasagna can only better the lasagna.

23:34

Well, you know, unless you burn

23:36

the cheese, I don't know, but even still, I

23:39

feel like it can only get better.

23:41

I think so. Yeah.

23:43

Maybe I'm naive, but.

23:45

No, we're on the same page about that because

23:48

to me, like a lasagna, it's like, okay, carby

23:50

pasta, some type

23:53

of onion,

23:54

ground beef,

23:57

eggplant, vegetable situation. else

24:00

substantive and then a tomato

24:03

sauce which is like a little bit acidic and sweet

24:06

and then a cheese which is creamy.

24:08

Wow that made me so hungry.

24:11

I feel like I'm being

24:13

talked to by a server trying to sell their lasagna.

24:16

But like that's what makes it good like without the cheese

24:18

it's like oh sorry I believe that

24:20

you've stacked a bunch of tomato sauce.

24:23

Yeah exactly well yeah between

24:25

like crispy overcooked layers

24:28

and remember what like she had the like I would

24:30

I assume are the layers out drying

24:33

and I clocked that I was like I don't

24:35

know how to make lasagna but I don't think

24:37

you dry it.

24:40

No it's like she didn't want

24:42

the noodles to be wet going

24:44

in. And I

24:45

feel like as if I

24:47

were eating lasagna I would prefer

24:49

an over wet noodle to a dry

24:52

noodle with a lasagna like even if

24:54

it's like a little too wet I would rather that than the

24:56

opposite. Some

24:57

people like crispy edges

24:59

on their lasagna.

25:00

That's yeah

25:02

that's what makes it tough because people get particular

25:04

about. Yeah yeah it sounds

25:06

like this was I mean we've heard the word hard

25:08

a few times in this story which sounds

25:11

like that's like to me is like

25:12

beyond crispy. Yeah

25:15

and if I were it lasagna doctor

25:17

my diagnosis would be that the sauce

25:20

wasn't wet enough going into

25:22

the oven because

25:24

like you have it needs to be extra wet

25:26

going in. Because it's going to yeah

25:28

a lot of the liquid will evaporate so you want to keep

25:30

some yeah you know I watch Bake Off. In

25:35

this case I do want a soggy bottom though like I

25:37

would prefer my lasagna to be

25:39

like more like wet.

25:43

Petty criminals what should I say moist or wet like I

25:46

think yeah like you'd rather be wet than hard. Yes

25:50

well maybe both. It's

25:54

also reminding me Thanksgiving's around the corner because

25:56

like we have family recipes that

25:59

we like because we we've grown up eating it. So

26:01

maybe, and again, we'll take to this in a verdict, but

26:03

maybe Mother Teresa likes what

26:05

she produced. Maybe this was like

26:08

grandma Teresa's recipe, like

26:10

to the tea and it's just like other families

26:13

don't like it. That's the case, it's like stuffing

26:15

sometimes if it's homemade or like how you make

26:17

turkey. So food is tricky and

26:19

that's, you know, I work in that industry and it's like, oh,

26:21

what's your favorite thing on the menu? It's like,

26:24

I am not eating it. So like don't base

26:26

your decision off of my palate. And

26:30

I tell people that. Now

26:32

any

26:32

questions or thoughts before we go into verdicts?

26:37

No, okay. So like the story, it's

26:39

like a, it's like a mall or something. Like the

26:41

story ends with like a scary

26:44

music with another pirate full of cardboard

26:47

lasagna. No, a few

26:49

people in their network now know. So the real,

26:53

a few more people are gonna learn about revenge lasagna after

26:55

this too, but they kind of spread

26:57

the word. Still no

26:59

feedback to Teresa. I really do question whether

27:01

or not the second one would be better. But

27:04

no, I don't think I do. We've

27:07

talked about lasagna enough. I feel like petty

27:10

criminals know. Our verdicts will be based

27:12

on a little bit of amateur approach.

27:15

That's right, that's right. Which is, yeah, literally this

27:17

podcast.

27:19

Is Teresa guilty for making lasagna

27:21

with dry noodles,

27:23

meatballs and no

27:25

cheese? Yes.

27:29

And if not for like the meatballs quirky,

27:31

maybe that's like part of your grandma's recipe and maybe,

27:33

you know, enhance this

27:35

something. Maybe the meat brings out the,

27:38

what should be the cheese, I don't know.

27:41

If not for the other two, for not having cheese. Like

27:44

not having ricotta or some kind

27:47

of cheese is wild to

27:49

me. Yeah, some parm,

27:51

something. Yeah, and

27:54

I guess, yeah, like if it's like a vegan lasagna,

27:56

there'd be no cheese, but I feel like even a vegan

27:58

lasagna would be like. Let's

28:00

substitute some kind of fake cheese

28:03

in. Wait,

28:04

that's so funny. You said that. I

28:06

just had an aha moment, Griff. Did

28:08

she try to make this vegan?

28:12

Because of the impossible meat. She

28:15

thinks that they're vegans, not vegetarians.

28:17

Oh. That's a

28:19

good point.

28:21

Why

28:22

else would you make a lasagna with no parmesan,

28:24

no mozzarella, no ricotta? Nothing.

28:27

I cannot picture,

28:30

and I'm speaking on behalf of her grandma,

28:32

I'm speaking up for her grandma, I cannot picture

28:34

an Italian grandmother passing

28:36

Donald lasagna recipe that does not

28:38

have cheese in it. I know. I

28:41

feel like that'd be sacrilegious. We'll need

28:43

our

28:43

Philly slash New Jersey Italian listeners

28:45

to speak up because I gotta know. Is this

28:48

so traditional?

28:50

Yeah.

28:51

Yeah, but yeah, maybe she corrected for what she

28:53

thought were vegan consumers.

28:56

Oh,

28:57

I really want to know. We'll update on the Instagram

29:00

if that's the case. Yep, and that

29:02

informs my answer to hopefully one

29:04

of your future verdict questions.

29:07

Am I guilty for making the delicious

29:10

revenge lasagna?

29:11

No. And

29:12

I was nervous

29:14

that somehow she was going to send

29:16

it to Mother Teresa and be like, this

29:19

is how you make it, honey. But you didn't

29:21

do that? No,

29:23

I respect that. I like that you kiki'd with your

29:26

girlfriend that wanted the lasagna also.

29:29

Yeah. I love that. I

29:32

get expectational with food, and if it's not met,

29:35

then I will get something else.

29:38

Am I guilty for not telling Teresa

29:41

the truth about her lasagna?

29:44

So I would have had a

29:46

different answer before we had that little

29:48

hypothesis that maybe she was cooking for vegans,

29:51

in which case, I'm going to say you are guilty,

29:53

and I don't know what that

29:56

feedback would look like. I would be nervous giving

29:58

it because like... She did

30:00

put effort into making you something. My dad

30:03

is such a... His love language

30:05

is like... I mean, you visited the farm, like, is

30:08

making food for people and giving that to them.

30:10

Totally. You know, and I do that to like a lesser extent

30:13

with my friend groups too. I don't cook as much as he does,

30:15

but when I do give someone something,

30:17

even if it's like not a non-food gift, I want it

30:19

to be intentional. So, Mother Teresa did put

30:22

effort into making this for you. She mothered

30:25

you. And you didn't like it, but she might

30:27

have been... She might have altered her

30:29

recipe to like fit you as a non-meat

30:32

eater. And I think a little bit of

30:34

feedback of like

30:36

a soft package like, oh,

30:38

this wasn't like... I don't

30:40

know. Like, wasn't my favorite. I wish there

30:43

was cheese. That's

30:44

it.

30:45

If you had said, oh, I just, you know, I kind of wish there was cheese,

30:48

maybe she would have been like, you're vegan,

30:50

right? So...

30:53

I'm thinking this through and I'm realizing we

30:55

do have... When Mia and

30:58

our

30:59

protagonist, Giada, called their friend across

31:01

town, she was also getting some bad

31:04

lasagna.

31:05

And she's not a vegetarian

31:07

and hers was crappy too. Okay. Good

31:10

to know.

31:12

But even... Yeah. Even

31:14

so, I'd be curious. But we don't know. Yeah.

31:17

Why did you leave the cheese off? That's the... I think that's

31:19

the screaming question with

31:21

this case.

31:23

Yeah. Is it like, oh, thank you so

31:25

much for making me lasagna. Is

31:27

it like

31:30

it was a traditional

31:30

recipe, right? Like, is it no cheese? Yeah.

31:36

I don't know. No, totally. Yeah. It's

31:38

like, oh my God, this is so nice. Thank you

31:40

so much. Like, is there cheese in it? Just

31:42

wondering. I guess. Yeah.

31:45

And then she'll be like, yeah, or no. There

31:47

shouldn't be no. There's no cheese. Yeah.

31:50

So guilty for no feedback. Only

31:52

because like you wanted the lasagna so badly and

31:55

it didn't hit the mark. And it's like, you're the

31:57

one suffering here. So maybe it's worth...

32:00

Asking for cheese

32:03

Are Mia and I guilty for telling so many

32:05

people about revenge lasagna?

32:08

Yeah

32:10

Yeah without the without the yes, right?

32:12

It's a little that's where that's the pettiness

32:15

But like I don't know that it's like a

32:17

major offense. It's just like I

32:19

feel bad like mother Teresa It's

32:23

like I said putting effort into this and I'm questioning

32:25

here and I guess I'd have to ask our petty criminals in you

32:28

like if you were to make me something that

32:30

you were excited to then Like share

32:32

to other people as well. Would you rather

32:34

me say something about that? Because

32:36

that would benefit the people you're sharing

32:39

with as well in terms of feedback

32:42

I think per your earlier point that

32:44

people's tastes are kind of unto themselves.

32:47

Mm-hmm. I would say to like I

32:51

I feel like keep it to yourself.

32:52

Dang. Okay. I know.

32:54

I mean like I'm speaking one

32:57

Thing, but I feel like I would I would

32:59

keep it to myself Yeah, like

33:01

it's so cringe like I remember when I was at some

33:03

friends houses like my parents Just

33:06

like raised us differently where if we had no thank-you

33:08

bites if we didn't like something we could say no Thank you and then

33:10

maybe get something else But we were never

33:12

we would never sit down after my dad was in

33:15

the kitchen for hours and be like This

33:17

isn't good or this could use this and

33:19

I don't do that at restaurants like I don't So

33:22

I don't yeah, I hear what you mean. Like that's just not

33:24

my vibe. Yeah

33:27

And I'm even thinking

33:30

I just say thank you for the lasagna

33:32

don't even ask about the cheese

33:35

Dang, then maybe

33:37

maybe she's not guilty for not the non-feedback.

33:39

I Don't

33:41

know. I'm confused. I don't know what to do with this

33:44

I know I definitely the guilty

33:46

they're not having cheese in the lasagna is guilty

33:48

to me And I think that's a bit of the issues

33:50

here So

33:53

I'm gonna blame it on the cheese really boom.

33:56

Yeah final question should I

33:58

give mother Teresa a chance? for

34:00

lasagna redemption and accept

34:03

her offer for

34:04

a new lasagna.

34:07

Yes.

34:08

Yeah. Because

34:10

what's the worst? What truly is the

34:12

worst that can happen? You've not given her feedback.

34:14

You've stayed actually silent about it. You've

34:17

talked shit. Yeah, you have talked shit. The

34:20

first product was not very good to your standards,

34:22

or at least to your taste. So

34:24

it would be, I don't

34:27

know, it seems fun if the second one that

34:29

she baked was like even

34:31

incrementally better.

34:33

OK, here would be my suggestion.

34:35

OK.

34:36

Accept the n- don't give her the feedback without

34:39

the last one. Just say

34:41

thank you. Maybe stop talking so much

34:43

shit. Accept the lasagna

34:45

and go, oh, you're going to make me another lasagna. Thank

34:48

you so much. Is it

34:50

possible that I can request extra

34:53

cheese? I am a cheese lover

34:56

in my lasagna.

34:57

Yeah.

34:58

Yep. There, yeah, sandwich

35:00

the feedback into a request from your

35:03

end. Yeah, put it on yourself.

35:06

Put it on your plate, yeah.

35:07

Is that so non-confrontational? I don't know.

35:09

No, I think you have to be in this situation.

35:12

I think that's a non-head-on

35:15

approach, I think, is behooves the situation.

35:18

But I do think, I mean, based on how the

35:20

story ended, Mother

35:23

Teresa might just be kind of like going

35:25

rogue and making lasagna kind of

35:29

just all over the place. So it

35:31

seems like she showed up with another helping of lasagna.

35:34

So it's like, oh, I actually had that

35:36

request for extra cheese. So

35:38

it's like, when do you package that if she's just showing

35:41

up unexpectedly? But no, if

35:43

she's to reach out to us and she's like, would you like another

35:45

lasagna, thinking about making another

35:49

batch, yeah, I think that approach is perfect.

35:52

Cool. Any final thoughts, Chris? Help

35:54

her get better. Be Paul Hollywood. People

35:58

want to get better if they're making something that for

36:00

people. Like I don't think anyone wants to make something

36:02

that someone doesn't enjoy. No

36:03

and if nobody's liking

36:06

it,

36:06

you have to ever so

36:08

gently let her know. I guess ever so

36:10

gently. Yes.

36:13

I love you mother Teresa. I'm sorry you suck

36:15

at making lasagna me too

36:18

and that's like an adult integrated lasagna

36:20

eater. I I'm so

36:23

curious about this.

36:24

Yeah.

36:25

I you know I'm done. I'm good.

36:27

We're going to email Giada back and

36:29

we're going to ask her to

36:32

accept another lasagna and we will update

36:34

y'all

36:34

with a review on the fresh lasagna.

36:37

Absolutely and I'm going to make a promise to the petty

36:39

criminals the next time that I'm in New York City

36:41

visiting Kira and other friends. Of course, she's

36:44

not my world. I will we'll

36:46

we'll go out together. We'll find like

36:48

the best lasagna in the city and we'll go

36:50

have it. Absolutely and we'll take the petty criminals

36:53

along for the journey. Sounds good. Thanks

36:56

Kira. Yay.

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Look great. Stay petty.

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Have you ever thought?

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Look, this water is too wet. Or

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this beach is too sandy. My

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name's Christine. And my name is Zandy.

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And we're the hosts of Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet,

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You won't believe the things that people think absolutely

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know that some caves don't have Wi-Fi?

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We hear about the good, the bad, and

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Join us every Wednesday wherever

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38:45

The following criminal or minimal segment is

38:47

rated 5 T-cups. Listener

38:49

discretion is advised.

38:51

Hehe.

38:56

Alright, petty criminals. It's

38:59

time for a very special segment

39:01

of criminal or minimal because

39:03

I am joined by a good friend of mine in

39:05

the show. She is a writer, she's

39:08

a comedian, and more importantly,

39:10

the founder of a company called

39:12

Vibe Sluut,

39:14

which was also Kira's nickname in college. Please

39:18

welcome to Petty Crimes Court, Abby

39:20

Jensen.

39:21

Hi all, thank you so much for having

39:24

me.

39:24

Thanks for being here. Now

39:26

Abby, I was trying to think this morning, how do we know each

39:28

other? It's through Ben?

39:30

It's through Ben, but I think we actually had a

39:32

drunken meetup before that at

39:34

the pool that I used to wear at

39:36

the apartment. It was, Abby, it was. Oh

39:38

my god. Yeah, because I, Odin, speaking

39:40

of one of our crimes in season one called

39:43

Pest Friends, you were, you

39:45

submitted it to us. I did submit it. And we

39:47

usually don't say that on Petty Crimes, but we're friendly

39:49

and that one's on the board. I'm coming

39:51

forward, it's a reveal. It's a good, it's a good, probably

39:54

our most like raunchy episode. Which

39:56

makes sense for my brand. So

39:59

any listener. If you guys don't listen to it, go back and listen,

40:01

because that was your girl's responsibility. And

40:04

I'll apologize and maybe don't eat

40:06

while listening. It's a little

40:08

nasty. Or if it's your thing, eat. Eat

40:10

while listening to it. No, but you're right. We

40:12

ran into each other at that big building

40:15

complex that so many of my gays live in. Yes.

40:18

And that's so funny. And then probably after that, we just

40:20

realized we had a very close mutual friend of ours.

40:22

Totally. That's so funny. And then we

40:24

just, we hope you just keep seeing each other. No, literally.

40:27

I mean, that's what I love about living here. It is a city,

40:29

but it's so small. And we've seen

40:31

each other on the street all the time, walking my

40:34

dog. You're walking your fiance. I'll walk

40:36

my fiance or I saw you once when I was on

40:38

the phone with my therapist. Oh my God.

40:41

And I was like, I'm so sorry. My friend, Griff, is right

40:43

over there to pause the therapy session.

40:45

Well, a lot of our petty criminals use this show

40:48

as their form of therapy. And we constantly remind

40:50

them to not do that, but also to

40:53

give us your problems. We'll do our best with them. Before

40:56

we dive into our criminal or minimal segment, I

40:59

brought up that you founded VibeSlut. Yeah. Which

41:01

I've been a big fan of. The video's on Instagram and your presence there. But

41:04

give our listeners kind of an idea or

41:06

a briefing on why you created it and

41:08

what it is.

41:09

VibeSlut is like a safe, pleasure,

41:13

positive space where people can

41:15

explore their sexuality and

41:17

what they're into. And so our home base

41:19

is Instagram at VibeSlut,

41:22

but we also have a Discord where people can chat

41:24

and share advice.

41:25

And yeah, and there's more to come. So

41:27

a little tease. Little

41:30

tease. And you do classes as well? Yes,

41:32

I do workshops online if you're looking

41:34

to up any skills. Yeah.

41:37

Work. Yeah. Very cool. Just

41:39

to make you a little more confident. That's amazing. And it's

41:41

been cool to see you grow that. Like obviously we're growing

41:44

our,

41:44

trying to grow our show and we put a lot of effort

41:47

into it. And we thank our petty criminals all the time. And

41:49

so respect sees respect. Like

41:52

it's cool that you've grown it. All right.

41:54

Well, you've listened to the show. Yes. I'm

41:58

such a big fan of the show. Thank you.

42:01

So excited to be here. We're excited to have you. And

42:03

I have put together some special

42:05

criminal minerals. Love. Across

42:07

three categories. The first is in accordance

42:10

to VibeSlut. I asked a few of our petty criminals

42:12

to

42:13

submit some of their criminal minerals based on

42:15

your vibe and your company's vibe.

42:18

A few people reached out. I think a few people

42:20

were scared too. I'm sorry. I

42:22

don't mean to scare you. But we got a few

42:24

good ones. And then this episode comes out on

42:26

Halloween. And Kier and I did not touch

42:29

the fact that it was Halloween on the story,

42:31

the crime we just heard.

42:32

So we're going to sprinkle in a few Halloween criminal

42:34

minerals. And then the third category

42:36

is a surprise for you. Whoa.

42:39

Special submitter.

42:39

I love a surprise. Also

42:41

I love that it's coming out on Halloween and that

42:44

people were kind of scared. So it like goes in

42:46

theme. Oh my God. You've got it. You've

42:49

got it. Okay. So let's dive into

42:51

a few. We'll start with one that actually

42:53

no, we'll start with one just to give the listeners

42:55

an idea of where you stand, who we're dealing with. Criminal

42:58

or minimal? Crocs. Okay.

43:02

One, I'm so excited to

43:04

be a part of criminal minimal because I

43:06

don't have a lot of knowledge, but I have a lot of opinions.

43:08

So this is like the perfect place for me. And

43:11

Crocs, I complimented your Crocs on the way

43:13

in. Yep. And what

43:15

did I tell you? You said save it. Save

43:17

it for the pot. And

43:20

I'm all in on Crocs. Anything

43:22

comfy. I don't have a sense of style. So I'm

43:25

like, I don't actually know what that says

43:27

about people who wear Crocs that I like them.

43:29

If I'm saying I don't have

43:32

a sense of style. And I also

43:33

like them, but I think it's minimal

43:35

to wear Crocs. Just wear what makes you feel good.

43:37

Yeah. Do you have a pair?

43:39

I do not. That's like my biggest dream. Nice.

43:42

I've gifted Kira her first pair and I would say

43:44

that, and I'm sure some of our listeners would agree, once

43:46

you get your first pair, it's a slippery slope into

43:48

crocdom or whatever.

43:50

So we do need to get you a pair. Yeah. And

43:53

then

43:53

the side of the basics, like they have

43:55

the heels, they have the sneakers.

43:56

I have these basic

43:59

black. Okay. which I've been called before.

44:03

And I have the rain boots, which I like discovered

44:06

in a workout class one day. So I

44:08

have those as well, also

44:10

in black. So to your point about style, I

44:12

think they do require a sense of kind of like how

44:14

to style them. Or you just lean

44:17

into kind of what they are by nature, which is just kind

44:19

of like goofy and just don't care about what you're

44:21

wearing. So I think it can go either like very

44:23

cultivated or like not at all, which

44:26

is great. That speaks to their versatility. Totally,

44:28

like

44:28

I love

44:29

goofy and not caring. So no, I think

44:31

minimal is, yeah, it's a minimal

44:34

crime. Okay, perfect.

44:36

Now that we have that kind of base established,

44:38

let's get into some vibe select from an org. Great.

44:41

This one, I'm not gonna say their names. Actually,

44:43

no, I'll say their first names because you can't

44:45

find them. Submitted by Sam.

44:48

Okay. Criminal or minimal. Farting

44:50

during sex, 10 seconds to orgasm.

44:54

Wait, is the farting have

44:56

to do with the orgasm? I don't know,

44:58

it's a good question. Is that

45:00

like a turn on for some people? I

45:03

assume that she like we're tensing up, we're

45:05

getting 10 seconds out from the orgasm and you

45:07

let one out right before you climax. Farting.

45:11

Also, just if your kids are in the car or if your mom's in the car,

45:13

you've obviously realized get them out of the car. Put

45:16

your AirPods in. Earmuffs, yeah,

45:18

earmuffs to the children. Farting during

45:21

sex is so minimal. It

45:23

happens and queefing happens.

45:26

There's going to be air, it's not going

45:28

to be pretty, it's going to be awkward

45:30

and it's silly. You just have to like laugh

45:32

it off. And if anyone cares if

45:34

you're letting like a big fart out,

45:37

fuck them, but like not in the good

45:38

way. Yeah, yeah, don't fuck them. Leave

45:41

them on the curb. What about burping? Because I feel

45:43

like we've had this one before, burping

45:45

during sex. That's happened to me.

45:47

You've burped during sex or someone burped all

45:49

you? No, I would never. Someone's burped

45:52

on or like with me.

45:55

That's interesting because

45:58

with things going on down,

45:59

below I think it's like your body

46:02

is just gonna do things

46:03

as you know people are touching it down

46:05

there as things are contracting especially

46:07

for my type of yeah it's just

46:09

gonna happen but burping

46:13

seems like something you'd have more control

46:15

over at least like I personally can

46:17

burp my ABCs so I'm kind of like a burping

46:19

aficionado yeah I know

46:22

I feel like I should share that brag about

46:26

myself

46:26

in that way so I think that's criminal

46:29

because that seems like something you have control of

46:31

okay

46:32

and just seems like rose

46:34

I fully agree so

46:35

for the record for the record farting

46:37

during sex minimal burping during sex criminal

46:40

yes there

46:41

I agree next one submitted

46:45

by a petty roommate criminal

46:47

or minimal having extremely loud sex when

46:49

your roommates are home in parentheses full

46:52

disclosure I've been the perpetrator

46:54

and the victim they say wow this one's

46:57

interesting because when you're

46:59

in it you're so in it you know

47:01

like you

47:04

think about what other people are thinking

47:06

I

47:08

think it's

47:09

oh I think it's minimal if it

47:12

happens like not very

47:14

frequently if that makes sense but if

47:16

you're doing it every day

47:19

yeah your roommates

47:21

are hearing you constantly

47:24

like I don't know

47:26

like I think that's more criminal but

47:28

also the roommates have the ability to like

47:29

put on the TV or play some music like

47:31

it can't be that loud that like

47:34

oh I mean could it be

47:36

that loud though I feel like well that's

47:38

where I that's where I have thoughts because it's like

47:40

you're naturally enjoying yourself and

47:42

you're feeling euphoric yeah

47:44

obviously like sounds are gonna come out of your body

47:47

as your body is being worked totally like

47:49

and I feel like this is where especially guys

47:52

and maybe like women with a guy because they

47:54

know that guys are like so porn addicted

47:57

yeah maybe they're like trying to lean into

47:59

the lighting on a show. Exactly. And

48:01

as an actor, I feel like I can tell

48:04

when the acting's bad or when

48:06

the sounds are not authentic. So

48:08

if it's bad acting,

48:09

I would say criminal. Okay.

48:11

If it's natural, you're just euphoric

48:14

and enjoying yourself, minimal. Okay.

48:16

Let yourself enjoy. Yep. And that same

48:18

vein, being verbal, criminal or minimal?

48:21

In the bedroom? Oh, no. In the boardroom.

48:25

In real life. Well, we are

48:27

talking on a podcast.

48:30

I would say being verbal

48:32

is

48:32

super minimal. Yeah. Like dirty talk

48:35

is hot. Yeah.

48:38

Totally agree.

48:39

All right. A few more from this category. Okay.

48:41

It's

48:42

made by Jay Petty. People

48:44

are totally giving themselves anonymous

48:47

names as they should. Criminal

48:49

or minimal? Announcing that you're officially trying

48:52

for a baby, AKA having lots

48:54

of unprotected sex. I think that's

48:56

so

48:57

minimal. Okay. Like I

48:59

feel like we should be talking about sex way

49:01

more. And unfortunately, that's like one of

49:03

the only times we deem it socially unacceptable

49:07

when you can start to be like, what positions

49:09

are you using? What, you know, are you of your

49:12

legs up to get the semen like in

49:14

this way? You're your old, get a boy if

49:16

you're in this position. Interesting. And I think

49:18

it's

49:19

super minimal. And we should also just talk

49:21

about sex more regularly outside of trying.

49:23

Yeah, I will say like, I kind

49:25

of like oscillate between a more

49:27

hetero world. And I have such good friends in that

49:29

world. And then my queer

49:31

world. Yeah. And I feel like in the queer world

49:34

for better and worse, like honestly, sometimes my humor

49:36

can scale a little like to this, but

49:38

like the open conversation about sex,

49:40

mostly because and I think we've talked about this a little

49:42

bit on the pod.

49:44

When I go into a gay bar, it is

49:46

not always assumed who prefers what

49:48

position. And not to say that men and women

49:50

should be locked into like, A or B

49:52

positions. But like, I don't know if this

49:54

guy's a top, I don't know if this guy's a bottom. So

49:57

from the get go, if I'm looking to

49:59

bring someone home.

49:59

or like even date someone asking

50:02

from the get-go, are you a top or a bottom opens

50:05

up the conversation for sex a lot more earlier

50:07

than I think a lot of my hetero friends. Totally. It opens

50:09

up to like, what do you

50:10

like? Like it just gets you in

50:12

there

50:13

and you're forced into

50:15

having this conversation that

50:17

can change your sex life for the better. Yeah.

50:20

I think so minimal. Let's talk about

50:22

it more. Yeah. Scream

50:25

it from the rooftops when you're trying to read about it. Then

50:27

I'll have to put the TV on. Yeah.

50:30

The music is rounded up.

50:33

Okay. One more from

50:35

this category. Okay. And then we'll transition. We'll give,

50:37

we'll the petty criminals are sweating right

50:39

now. It's made up by Katie,

50:41

crossing state borders for a hookup, criminal

50:44

or minimal. Okay. I have a, can

50:47

I do a tangential story about this? Yes.

50:49

We love tangential. We love tangential. Sorry.

50:53

I met this guy on

50:55

Bumble and he was really

50:57

intense about picking our, our

50:59

date time in place and like

51:02

really intense

51:02

about me not canceling. And I was

51:04

like, okay, like I'm

51:05

not going to cancel.

51:08

Um, when he got to the date,

51:11

he revealed that

51:12

he, this is when I still lived in St. Louis, Missouri. He

51:15

revealed that he had flown in town

51:17

for the date. He actually had matched with

51:19

me when he was on a layover in the St.

51:21

Louis airport. Um,

51:23

yeah. And so he'd

51:24

flown from Colorado to go

51:26

on this date with me. Oh my God. Which

51:29

one put

51:29

so much pressure on the date. Yeah.

51:32

And also the date was already going

51:34

poorly. So then made me look at him like,

51:37

Oh, you're going to murder me. Clearly

51:41

he did it. Um,

51:45

but so again, I think it's

51:48

very specific. If you tell the person

51:50

you're crossing the country

51:53

and they know, and you're not putting pressure on

51:55

the, not crossing the country, crossing

51:57

state borders and

51:58

they know, and you're not putting pressure on the country.

51:59

pressure on them minimal. If you

52:02

don't tell them and it's like surprise,

52:05

I came here from Colorado.

52:06

Definitely

52:08

criminal. Okay. Would you have preferred

52:11

he not say that he was traveling on a stay until

52:13

after the first day probably? I think

52:16

I prefer he would have told me he was coming

52:18

from Colorado before we got

52:20

on the day. Okay, got it. So then it

52:23

didn't feel like I rented this hotel

52:25

room. Yeah. Are you going to stay here with

52:28

me? I see pressure. But then because

52:31

I've had experience not like that specifically,

52:33

but like so many people into his point about like,

52:35

please don't cancel, please don't cancel, even with

52:37

like lower stakes than travel

52:40

or whatever. The cancellation

52:42

is such a letdown and it makes you feel so shitty.

52:45

Yeah. And so, you know, I think from

52:47

his perspective, not to justify it at

52:49

all, but like he knew that there was probably a

52:51

higher likelihood of you canceling if he

52:53

was like, Oh, by the way, I'm lying

52:55

in from out of state just for this day.

52:57

Because it's like, this is a first date that to

53:00

your point, that's a lot of expectations.

53:02

So you, I mean, you would have been in your right to cancel.

53:04

I think that's just, that's

53:06

intense. It's very intense. I wish

53:08

I would have canceled the rest

53:11

of the day was horrible. What went

53:13

wrong with it? Not the vibe. Not the vibe. He

53:16

asked me on the first

53:18

date, this also added to the pressure if

53:20

I had brought my vibrator

53:22

with me to the date because he wanted

53:24

to use it on me later. So he was going like

53:26

all in immediately on

53:29

sexy times. And I'm like, I just learned

53:32

your last name because they

53:34

don't show the last name on Bumble. Yeah. But in

53:36

his mind, he's like, but I traveled and I did this. And it's

53:38

like, yeah, it's like kind of like later

53:40

dates investment. Yeah. So, okay.

53:43

That makes sense. Well, glad I asked. Yeah.

53:45

All right. Petty criminals, deep breaths. We're

53:48

going to transition into

53:50

Halloween. I'll

53:54

see a few in honor of the holiday today. Criminal

53:57

minimal

53:58

turning down your partners, please.

53:59

to do a couples costume because you have a better individual

54:02

idea.

54:03

Criminal. You

54:06

think you should just do the couples costume?

54:09

Yes. Teamwork

54:12

makes the dream work. Okay. Okay.

54:14

Maybe what if it's like,

54:15

can you like

54:16

have it for Friday and then maybe Saturday

54:19

night you do a individual one? Maybe.

54:21

Yeah. I mean, yeah, you're allowed to be an individual.

54:24

Sure. Individuality

54:28

in your relationship is important. But I feel

54:30

like if you can think of a really good individual

54:33

Halloween costume and you can't think of a really good couples

54:36

Halloween costume, you're not prioritizing

54:38

your partner.

54:40

I mean, I hear the truth to that. I also don't

54:43

understand it. If Jesse,

54:45

my fiance

54:46

came to me and it was like, I'm no longer

54:48

going to let you

54:48

be Britney Spears and I'm going

54:51

to be the snake

54:52

because I have my own individual

54:54

costume. I would be like,

54:56

I'm questioning everything. Oh yeah. Cause you're eager

54:59

to do the couples. Wow. So

55:02

maybe a little bias. I was just going

55:04

to say a petty crime score is the foundation.

55:06

The floor is biased. It's tiled and

55:08

biased. All right. Criminal or minimal submitted by

55:11

my good friend, Charlie. Hi, Charlie. Wearing the

55:13

same costume as last year. Minimal.

55:16

I agree. I promised

55:18

the listeners across a few episodes that I was going to do the Babadook.

55:20

Love. I feel like I

55:23

could pull off. I just like, I have an issue of

55:25

saying I'm going to do a costume then realizing

55:27

I don't have the technical skill to put into it. Namely

55:30

with the makeup for this one. So I

55:33

may or may not be doing it, but like chances

55:35

are not. Yeah. In which case I'll repurpose a costume

55:37

last year.

55:38

And that's so sustainable. Like

55:40

the world is moving towards sustainability

55:43

for us to get a new costume every

55:46

year. That's fast fashion,

55:47

like criminal. Pico

55:50

friendly. Really? All

55:52

right. One more from this category. Wait,

55:54

this one very quickly. Doing a couple's costume

55:57

with your dog. Criminal or minimal? Minimal.

55:59

All right.

55:59

the dogs involved. I want to see

56:02

dressed up doggies. I

56:03

went to WeHo had

56:06

a dog competition. Like

56:08

a dog costume competition? Yeah. And I went

56:10

the other day and just watched a lot. Oh my God.

56:13

Wait, Abby, text me. I would have definitely

56:15

gone to that. It was literally in Plummer Park. Right

56:18

by her house. Right by. Yeah, houses. We don't live

56:20

together. Yeah.

56:24

That would be so funny. Reveal. Alright, just final

56:26

one. Giving an extra piece of candy to whatever

56:28

kid you think has the best costume in the group when they

56:30

show up to your house. Minimal

56:33

game recognizes game. Like if they're

56:35

slaying at a young age,

56:37

support. Incentivize them. Yeah. Okay.

56:40

Okay.

56:41

Our next segment are I'm going to do a few

56:43

submitted by a

56:45

friend of the show who

56:47

goes by Jesse. My

56:50

fiance. Your fiance.

56:53

I pinged him before we got to the studio and was like, give me

56:55

some criminal animals. I'm dead. He was

56:57

probably so excited about that. I hope he

56:59

was. He's such a, I love him. He's such a good guy.

57:02

You guys are great. You. Oh my

57:05

God. You're

57:07

welcome. All right. Criminal

57:10

or minimal. We'll do these ones a little more rapid fire. Okay. A

57:13

guy with blonde hair. Oh, criminal. They

57:16

shouldn't exist. I can't say that.

57:20

You heard it. Criminal or minimal. Scented

57:23

tampons. Oh,

57:24

criminal. You don't want to be the infection.

57:26

Oh, really? Yeah. It causes all

57:29

types of infection. Oh, yucky. Okay. Yeah. We don't

57:31

want that. So what is the idea of creating them? Is

57:33

it just like leaning into like a women should smell

57:35

good and bad for your home.

57:37

Your V should smell like pumpkin spice latte.

57:39

No, it shouldn't. No,

57:42

pumpkin spice latte. It should smell like that. Nothing

57:44

should. Yeah.

57:45

Well, a candle. Yeah. Candles are fine. Candles are

57:48

fine. My friend Emma listens to this and she

57:50

loves pumpkin spice latte. I support. And

57:52

tis the season. All right.

57:54

Criminal or minimal. Not peeing for 10

57:57

minutes after sex.

57:58

So criminal.

57:59

get a UTI, don't want to deal with

58:02

that.

58:02

Very important.

58:04

Criminal or minimal.

58:05

Throw in clothes into the dryer when

58:07

you take them out of the washer even if they fall

58:09

on the floor. So criminal. He

58:12

said you'd have an opinion about this one. I

58:14

get so mad because he'll let his underwear

58:16

touch the dirty floor and

58:18

then just put it into the dryer. And

58:20

I'm like,

58:21

now you have to clean

58:22

it again. He said you would

58:24

put it back in the washer. Yeah, I would wash it again. Can

58:26

I ask a follow-up question? Why are your floors so

58:28

dirty? Well, it's the apartment complex. Oh,

58:31

OK. Fair enough. Communal. OK,

58:34

got it. Fair. They'd be dirty. OK.

58:37

Yes.

58:39

Or would you still be like, we got to wash it again? I still think

58:41

I would have to wash. I'm very particular about

58:43

what's touching my body. OK, fair enough.

58:46

Fair enough.

58:47

Another one from him. Criminal or minimal. Outside

58:50

clothes on the bed. So criminal.

58:52

What are you doing? Are all of these things that

58:54

you've had to condition them again? Literally.

58:58

He knows so well what

59:01

he does wrong. Yeah,

59:03

that is so criminal. And sometimes

59:06

he wears shoes on the bed.

59:08

Oh, that. Outside clothes I'm

59:10

OK with. Maybe not in my sheets. Maybe on top

59:12

of the duvet or comforter.

59:14

Shoes, I think I'd probably have

59:17

them kick them off as well. They're touching the ground.

59:19

Yeah. That's a dirty place. The

59:21

ground is dirty. And

59:23

we'll end with one more for Vibe Sled

59:26

to close out our segment.

59:27

Criminal or minimal. Assuming by Billy, your

59:30

partner blowing on your face, blowing air

59:32

on your face to cool you down to your sex.

59:35

I've never heard of that

59:37

before. That

59:39

seems really nice. But minimal.

59:41

Like your partner is taking care of you. Yeah,

59:44

that does sound really lovely. I'm just and

59:46

the petty criminals know you're engaged.

59:49

Kira is married. I'm single.

59:51

So one of these things is not like the other. I am.

59:54

I'm ready for someone. I'm ready for you

59:56

to be ready for someone. Aw, thank you. Yeah,

59:58

guy blowing air on my face. be a change would

1:00:01

be really lovely. Very intentional. Yeah,

1:00:02

it's like one of those

1:00:04

fans you would get as a kid that like

1:00:06

handheld and then like squirts a little water

1:00:08

in your face. That sounds really lovely.

1:00:10

Those are clutch clutch clutch.

1:00:12

Oh,

1:00:13

that's, that's the segment. Remind the listeners

1:00:15

where you can find you and vibe slut.

1:00:18

Give them all the deeds.

1:00:19

Find me at at vibe slut on Instagram

1:00:21

and then you'll find everything else you

1:00:23

need from there. Fair enough. Keep it condensed.

1:00:26

Thanks for joining us. Thank you. I had so much

1:00:28

fun. Yeah, this was, I can't wait for listeners to

1:00:30

hear it. I can't wait to hear what their thoughts are. Maybe

1:00:32

this will encourage in future collabs if

1:00:34

you are listeners to submit a few more criminal amendments.

1:00:37

Because we got to talk about it. Yeah. Talk

1:00:39

about sex, baby. All right. Until

1:00:41

next week. Stay petty.

1:00:59

Okay.