0:00

You know the end of the Ark of the Covenant? With

0:02

the Nazis and the Ark and the AAAAAAHHHHH

0:04

DON'T LOOK AAAAAAHHHHH that. Just

0:06

with no Nazis and you listen instead.

0:09

But it's still scary. Okay?

0:12

Cool.

0:16

Pseudopod, Episode 869. June

0:20

9th, 2023. Yeah.

0:23

You know. This week's story,

0:26

audio recording left by the CEO

0:28

of the Ranvanian colony to

0:30

her daughter on the survival imperative

0:33

of maximising market profits. By

0:35

Cass Call and Matt Dovey. Hey

0:38

everyone and welcome to Pseudopod, the weekly horror podcast.

0:41

I'm Alistair, your host, and this week's audio

0:43

production is done by the actually superhuman

0:46

Chelsea. Thank you so much for all you do.

0:48

This week's story was originally published in Diabolical

0:51

Plots, October 2021, and comes to

0:53

us from

0:53

Matt Dovey and Cassandra Kaur, two

0:56

of my favourite ever humans.

0:59

Cassandra Kaur is an award-winning

1:01

game writer and USA Today bestseller,

1:03

and very recently, Stalker award winner.

1:05

Congratulations, buddy! Cassandra's

1:08

work can be found in places like Fantasy &

1:11

Science Fiction, Lightspeed and Tor.com. Hammer's

1:14

on Bone, Cassandra's first original novella,

1:16

was a British Fantasy Award and Logos Award

1:18

finalist, and as I say, breakable

1:20

things, her anthology just won

1:23

the Stalker. Matt Dovey

1:25

is very tall, very British, very

1:28

talented, and most likely very much

1:30

drinking a cup of tea right now. He

1:32

is the host at Podcastle, has stories

1:34

coming out all over the place, and is,

1:36

like Cass, a deeply excellent

1:39

human. Finally, our narrator

1:41

for this episode is the incomparable Autumn

1:43

Ivy, who is responsible for countless

1:46

narrations across numerous shows and apps,

1:49

incredible voice acting work just across the board,

1:51

and, in this wet red,

1:54

one of my top five pseudopod narrations

1:56

of all time. Tuck

2:00

in, because we have a story for

2:02

you, and we promise you it's

2:05

true.

2:31

You will just have the Woken in your

2:33

bed. Time is short. You're

2:36

groggy, I'm sure, but it is important

2:39

you pay attention. And do not

2:41

leave. Do not move

2:44

until this recording is finished.

2:47

Listen. Marketing

2:50

is everything. Corporations

2:54

spend trillions to delineate

2:57

histories that could exist, sculpting

3:00

nuance and favorable scandals in

3:02

the service of cultivated intrigue. All

3:05

press is good press, an

3:08

ancient Kwan. This

3:10

is why we do what we do in the colony. The

3:13

mythos of Ranvani IV, parlayed

3:15

during primetime and burbled between

3:18

mouthfuls of gin, is an

3:20

essential part of what allows

3:22

us to command a premium price

3:25

for our products. Good

3:27

marketing saved us all. After

3:31

the withdrawal of funding by the Hittani Weld-Roskin

3:33

Exploration Company, following

3:36

five successive years of underwhelming

3:38

mining productivity, the

3:41

colony had to turn to alternative economic

3:43

streams

3:44

to ensure its going viability.

3:48

And truth to ensure its survival

3:52

so far on the fringes of galactic

3:54

society. What we

3:56

lacked in accessible mineral seams,

3:59

we possess. in a cornucopic

4:01

ecosystem rich in life forms unlike

4:04

anything else the galaxy

4:06

offers.

4:08

And after years of subsisting

4:10

on restricted supplies, we

4:12

had developed an expert knowledge of

4:14

how to prepare it.

4:16

Less than a decade later, our cuisine

4:19

is legendary. Consequently,

4:22

representatives of Hetane Weld-Roskin

4:25

are now negotiating to repurchase

4:27

ownership of the colony. But

4:30

it is the leadership's belief that

4:32

a better bargaining position can be

4:34

obtained with further discoveries.

4:37

And thus, we must expand

4:39

our market capitalization through

4:42

all available means.

4:44

In that spirit, I detail

4:47

here the history and specifics

4:49

of some of our more famous dishes.

4:52

To be instructive to you, I

4:56

have left you a snack on your bedside table.

4:59

Chew carefully. Pay

5:02

attention to the flavor. That

5:05

mouth feel. I

5:08

taught you to be observant. Boiled

5:13

the tendons of the snow cow, named

5:15

for their bovine-like physiognomy, their

5:18

fore stomachs, and the ice

5:20

that tensils their horn butts, develop

5:23

an enveloping sweetness,

5:26

meaty, with undertones of

5:28

a niece. Fried, they

5:31

secrete neurotoxins. We

5:33

learned this the hard way in our first year

5:36

of colonization,

5:37

when Halmar died on livestream.

5:40

His death took exactly three minutes, forty-two

5:43

seconds. I counted

5:45

as I watched, forcing myself

5:48

to acknowledge my responsibility

5:50

for the incident. A biohazard

5:52

crew was required to extract the body. Everything

5:56

about Halmar had been rendered poisonous,

5:59

unpurposed, palatable, even

6:01

the spit left crusted black

6:03

on his chin. After

6:06

the incident, snow cows were no longer

6:09

exsanguinated. Instead, we

6:11

dumped them wholesale into vats of scolding

6:13

water. In a quarterly

6:15

mining report, colony analysts

6:18

detailed that the change had improved productivity

6:21

by 7.2 percent, a record high.

6:25

Patani Weldroskin encouraged

6:28

further experimentation with local

6:30

food sources to reduce their

6:32

long-haul resupply costs.

6:37

In accordance with standing colony orders,

6:39

Edelstein, upon accidentally

6:42

discovering that a split-open rock

6:44

contained red meat, scooped

6:46

these innards out with his fingers. He

6:49

described the texture as similar

6:51

to a warm tar, claggy,

6:54

but with an added uncutness reminiscent

6:57

of the juice of rotted meat, and

7:00

sampled the meat raw. He

7:03

experimented with depositing the

7:05

meat stones at various points

7:07

along the shore and in streams and

7:09

rivers, as it subsists on

7:11

filtered particles and is thus flavored

7:14

by its environment.

7:15

It remains unclear if the later

7:18

loss of his hair and nails was

7:20

a side effect of a primarily meat-stone

7:22

diet or of the increased solar

7:25

radiation he was exposed to

7:27

before appropriate genetic protections

7:29

were provided to colonists. The

7:32

meat stones, one off-world

7:34

chef later said, are most

7:37

delicious when cooked into

7:39

a mousse,

7:40

folded with double cream and salted

7:42

egg yolk, a touch of cayenne,

7:45

some lemon juice. For best

7:47

effect, serve with ginger garlic

7:49

vinaigrette. Edelstein

7:52

did not agree. The colony

7:54

provided no official comment. When

7:57

dealing with off-worlders, it is

7:59

critical to remember that the end

8:01

goal is always

8:04

profit. Are

8:07

you still chewing the sample? Good.

8:10

Don't swallow yet. It's

8:13

important you savor the layers

8:16

of taste.

8:19

Upon contact with temperatures above 42

8:22

degrees Celsius, the flesh of

8:24

the swallow-tailed glass mantis becomes

8:27

edible

8:28

for precisely 72 seconds. Texturally,

8:32

it has been described as creamy,

8:35

fatty, tallow-like

8:37

between the teeth. The taste

8:39

is more complex, powerfully

8:43

umami in the beginning before it lightens,

8:46

inexplicably acquiring

8:48

a delicate, pleasing milkiness.

8:52

After 72 seconds, however, the

8:56

experience sours, both

8:58

literally and metaphorically. The

9:02

meat emulsifies into charcoal and

9:04

vinegar, a taste comparable

9:06

to someone else's bile. And

9:08

for that reason, cognoscenti

9:10

will pay millions to light-skip

9:13

one of our expert chefs from the edge to the

9:15

core to serve their corporate banquet.

9:18

It is a novelty. In

9:21

our first marketing success, we

9:23

gambled everything to make it known. Such

9:26

gambles are the only path to success for those

9:28

not born to it.

9:31

And the fact that the glass mantis's cousin, more

9:34

populous, more beautiful, fronded

9:37

with magenta instead of a dull shade of

9:39

peach, comes with all

9:41

of the flavor, but none of the drawbacks

9:44

is never advertised. Besides,

9:47

I would keep them all for you.

9:51

We lost Hawkins, De Ruiz,

9:53

and Patel to fits and convulsions, pink

9:56

spittle foaming on their lips and drying

9:59

immediately.

9:59

immediately into grotesque structures

10:02

like clouds at sunset. Before

10:05

we realized the meat of the Renvanian lamb

10:07

was poisonous when cooked in individual

10:09

cuts, having previously roasted

10:11

them whole on a spit.

10:14

I was sitting in the canteen with them when it happened.

10:17

I've always made a habit of eating in the canteen

10:19

with the other colonists, so the colony

10:21

saw I shared the risks. I

10:24

had a lamb steak upon my own plate. But

10:27

for a few seconds he would

10:29

have been orphaned then, young as

10:31

you were. You're better

10:34

prepared now, I hope. The

10:37

stomach of the lamb—lamb,

10:39

of course, shorthand for this creature that

10:42

has a woollen appearance,

10:43

though in truth its exterior

10:46

is filigree bones, growing

10:49

like spiraled feathers from the endoskeleton.

10:52

It's an excessively alkaline

10:54

environment. Cooked whole,

10:56

the stomach bursts inside the

10:58

lamb and these alkaline juices

11:01

soak through the carcass,

11:03

breaking down the poisonous enzymes

11:05

and giving the meat a sharp bite,

11:08

like horseradish puree gone

11:11

to mold. For the purposes

11:13

of cooking more efficient portions than an

11:16

entire lamb at once, an inappropriate

11:18

serving portion for gatherings of

11:20

less than twenty,

11:22

a stomach may be kept in

11:24

the parlor and the juices poured

11:26

directly onto the steak from

11:28

the esophageal opening. Due

11:31

to the high alkaline content, the

11:33

stomach is not at risk of rotting, and

11:35

it ensures the juices maintain more

11:38

flavor than if decanted into

11:40

a glass container. No one

11:42

outside of the colony knows this, of

11:45

course. Publicly we have maintained

11:47

that the practice of preparing Renvanian lambs

11:50

whole is sacrosanct,

11:53

a religious imperative.

11:56

The reason is simple.

11:58

Galactic Decree states that all cultural

12:00

practices must be observed without

12:03

failure. Because of this,

12:05

we sell the ruminants by the herd.

12:09

We do not make

12:11

salt of our dead. That

12:14

part is pure gossip. The

12:17

bondu is a tree, not unlike

12:19

the terrestrial bunion, named

12:22

for the sound it makes in the monsoon season.

12:24

All parts of the plant are edible, including

12:27

the roots, the nervous system,

12:30

and the primitive cerebrum embedded

12:32

in the heartwood. The shoots are

12:35

a particular delicacy, roasted

12:37

with cashew butter, seasoned with

12:39

sea salt and black sugar. They can

12:41

achieve a taste and texture, not

12:44

unlike the finest meringue.

12:47

More adventurous diners, however, prefer

12:50

to consume the brainstem whole. Ungarnished,

12:53

save for some balsamic vinegar, a

12:56

tang of apple honey. The

12:58

result in flavor has been compared to creme

13:00

brulee, subtly spiced

13:02

with garam masala and something

13:06

ethereal.

13:07

The process inevitably kills the bondu.

13:11

Because of this, we possess legislation

13:13

outlawing the practice.

13:15

Because of this, our poachers

13:17

make millions, assisting

13:19

tourists with their fantasies of devouring

13:22

a protected species. Practicality,

13:25

supersede sentiment, my darling. I hope

13:28

you understand the supplies equally this morning

13:30

when you've woken alone. That's

13:34

not because I do not love you.

13:37

Never that.

13:39

Of course, in order to maintain

13:41

appearances, we occasionally end without

13:44

warning, dispatch patrols to hunt

13:46

and kill the poaching parties. Though

13:48

never, when the richest clients

13:51

are in attendance.

13:54

The raptor albatross is a large

13:56

bird analog with a wingspan exceeding

13:59

10 meters. It feeds on

14:01

large sea life,

14:02

plucking it from beneath the surface with its sixteen

14:05

serrated claws. The natural

14:08

concentration of alkaline metals throughout the

14:10

marine food chain means the

14:12

raptor, albatross, is unsuitable

14:15

for human consumption except

14:17

at one stage. Fetal

14:21

The eggs are challenging to

14:24

retrieve from the eroded cliffspires along

14:26

the coast, a terrain that precludes

14:28

the use of hover vehicles and requires

14:31

colonists to climb by hand, exposed

14:33

to the threat of the parent raptors and their

14:36

claws. One day, when I

14:38

return, I will show you the scars I

14:40

have earned myself. Procurement

14:42

is made more difficult by the size of the egg

14:45

in the region of twelve to

14:47

eighteen pounds, which also necessitates

14:50

a long cooking process,

14:52

slowly brought up to boiling over the course

14:54

of sixteen hours.

14:57

This cooking process must be done from fresh.

15:00

The egg cannot be frozen, as the

15:02

pecan flavor and the smooth,

15:04

tender texture of the fetus is

15:06

only brought out by the slow reaction of its

15:08

enzymes in the steadily rising

15:11

heat.

15:12

Freezing the egg kills the fetus and

15:15

renders the cooked dish brackish

15:17

and rubbery. More importantly,

15:20

it divests the dish of its hormonal cocktail.

15:23

A dead albatross cannot fear, cannot

15:26

feel its nerves bake, its

15:29

blood bubble to steam. As

15:31

such, the fetal albatross would not taste

15:33

of its final moments, and this

15:36

is unacceptable. And of

15:39

course, such a requirement presents an

15:41

obvious economic challenge, which

15:43

you will have already noted. If

15:46

viable eggs are dispatched to customers,

15:49

they may choose to incubate the egg and begin a

15:52

breeding program of their own, undercutting

15:55

our supply.

15:57

For this reason, we only

15:59

ever sow the egg. singly. No,

16:02

of course we also keep the black market

16:04

well stocked for those who wish to purchase

16:06

a second. It will afford them

16:08

little successes, as

16:11

it is the parent's diet of Runvanian

16:13

fauna that lends the egg its

16:15

flavor.

16:16

Divorced from the alkaline biome of the planet,

16:20

the cuisine becomes quite pedestrian.

16:25

Every civilization must have its trademark

16:27

drink, a beverage representative

16:29

of its culture, its foibles,

16:32

its myriad of secrets. Ours

16:36

is simple. A brandy,

16:38

recalling the flavor of Hungarian

16:40

polinka, so saccharine

16:43

that it must be cut with gulps of red brine.

16:46

We use real apricots, real pears,

16:48

mash, and meat both. Nothing

16:51

allowed to waste.

16:52

The taste, while uniformly

16:54

sweet,

16:55

can vary depending on the supplier.

16:58

Some keep it pure. Some

17:00

add cardamom, pure cocoa, kaffir

17:03

lime, bold flavors to distract

17:05

from the way the sugar congeals on your teeth.

17:08

And some use apomorphines

17:11

engineered for tastelessness to

17:14

seduce the unwary. All,

17:17

however, share a fundamental

17:19

ingredient, the fermented

17:21

seminal fluid of the vacant shark, matured

17:24

for eight months in the harsh sun.

17:27

You can see why we're so proud,

17:30

and why I have never let you drink

17:32

it. I love you

17:35

too much for some things to be acceptable.

17:39

Did you taste that? Consider

17:42

the effect and how it's been flavored

17:44

by repeated consumption of

17:46

the bandeau, the creme brulee

17:49

texture, its velvety-ness.

17:52

Compare and contrast the taste with the

17:54

meat itself, succulent to

17:56

mommy balm, underscored with

17:58

anise and molasses.

18:00

No livestock in the universe

18:02

is so tender.

18:04

The cuisine of Ronvani IV derives

18:07

its unique flavor palate and

18:09

signature bite from the particular chemistry

18:12

of the native biome.

18:14

To a large degree, it is self-perpetuating

18:17

and connected.

18:19

The fauna tastes as it does because

18:21

it eats the other fauna. And

18:24

if bred off-planet and fed

18:26

on plain nutrient paste, it

18:29

loses its unique properties.

18:32

There is one

18:33

species that has,

18:35

up until this moment, not

18:38

been sampled and sold.

18:39

Early specimens had two varied

18:42

and four in a diet to titillate the galaxy

18:44

at large.

18:45

It is only the second generation of colonists,

18:48

your generation,

18:50

that have been raised on a consistent

18:52

Ronvanian diet,

18:54

enough to flavor the meat.

18:57

And no one has had a richer, more

19:00

varied diet than you, my

19:02

daughter. The fact you must

19:04

concede, that was

19:06

a strip from your upper thigh, prepared

19:08

quickly. Imagine

19:10

how a better cut might taste. First

19:13

brined for a day and then roasted

19:15

with a marinade of brown sugar, cumin,

19:19

chili, fermented, blue, krill.

19:23

I've taken your legs before departing on my

19:25

lightship. You must forgive

19:27

me for taking yours and not another's, but successful

19:30

leadership is built upon shared risks, and

19:33

I

19:33

must be willing to sacrifice you for this cause.

19:37

The proletariat are children in their way.

19:40

They subside on the stories we make for them. Narrative

19:43

underpins every aspect

19:45

of Ronvanian life in the end. I

19:48

expect you to inherit the leadership one day. And

19:51

so, this is another gift

19:54

for you. Your own

19:56

myth. The leader who's very

19:59

fleshy. bore the blessing of prosperity.

20:03

And, oh, daughter of mine, I hope

20:06

you forgive me for taking both your legs. The

20:09

rich always want seconds, and

20:12

are inevitably starved for more. More.

20:17

Always. More.

20:20

Then we cannot risk this venture

20:22

failing. We must give them what they

20:24

want. You understand this. If

20:27

we can drive a high investment

20:29

now, the sunk cost fallacy will

20:32

ensure our survival even if

20:34

market economics cannot.

20:37

We must lure as many bidders

20:39

as possible to the auction of rights.

20:41

We will make a success of your

20:44

sacrifice. You

20:46

will thank me for it later.

20:49

You may not believe there will be a market for human

20:51

flesh, but if I have

20:54

learned anything in two decades of trading

20:56

food to the rich and indulgent,

20:58

it is this. There

21:01

is a customer for every

21:04

experience.

21:06

Besides, what

21:09

else is power, if

21:11

not an appetite for

21:14

human flesh?

21:21

Okay, first off, here is what the authors sent

21:23

us. We didn't set out to write this

21:25

as a story, we only really set out

21:28

to try and gross each other out, exchanging segments

21:30

in a series of escalations for our own amusement.

21:33

But then, Matt considers it a

21:35

crime to let any of Cass's pros

21:38

go to waste, so it got bashed together into a plot

21:40

shape, inescapably picking up certain

21:42

mutual philosophies along the way. In

21:44

the fullness of time, it was published in diabolical

21:47

plots before finally debuting in the home it

21:49

was always meant to find, Sunapod,

21:51

the sound of horror. Aww,

21:55

thanks guys. Also,

21:59

holy shit.

21:59

There is so much here. The

22:02

worldbuilding that's as precise as it is, almost

22:05

whimsical. These beautiful nightmarish

22:07

creatures that are all of a piece. All

22:09

cogs in the same machine. All

22:12

unexploded culinary nightmares

22:14

or delicacies or both. I

22:18

was hungry one paragraph. I was repulsed

22:20

the next. This is submission

22:22

food, or it seems that way. An

22:25

endless theatrical parade of blood-soaked

22:27

delicacies from a planet self-cannibalizing

22:30

to survive. The

22:32

type of story where you could stop at that

22:35

and it will be brilliant and resonant and Cass

22:37

and Matt did not get that

22:40

memo. Or perhaps

22:42

did. And burnt it. Smoking

22:44

the meat of their next nightmare with

22:47

the aromas of

22:47

subversion of expectation and

22:50

taking us to somewhere else entirely.

22:54

Somewhere furious. Because

22:56

rage is what this story is marinated

22:59

in. And it's the same rage we

23:01

marinate in.

23:03

I'm not going to tie this story to a particular

23:05

news event because I have no idea when

23:07

you're listening to this. And honestly, there are

23:09

three events today it

23:11

speaks to. Instead, I will

23:13

paraphrase no less an authority than John

23:16

Carpenter's The Thing and the line,

23:18

No one trusts anyone anymore. And

23:20

we are all very tired. The

23:22

desire to bite back or better

23:25

to punish someone for biting you is

23:27

one a lot of us have felt and continue

23:29

to feel. And the vengeance the colonists

23:32

carry out here feel subtle

23:33

and artful. At

23:35

first. Until the

23:38

bile rises. And

23:40

with it. The horror. There

23:44

is horror baked into the story. That

23:46

is my one food gag promise at

23:48

the cellular level. And like all truly

23:51

exceptional cooking, it finds complexity

23:53

in the near elemental simplicity

23:55

of its ingredients. OK.

23:59

Two.

23:59

The horror here is abandonment,

24:02

until the horror is the casual death waiting

24:05

in the flora and fauna, until

24:07

the horror is the weaponization of that

24:09

casual death, until the horror

24:11

is the commodification of

24:14

that casual death. A

24:16

planet no one views as anything besides

24:19

a culinary hotspot sliding knives

24:21

into throats across countless

24:23

worlds and industries. The

24:25

Glass Mantis' cousin is the key to

24:27

all this for me. The easy, the

24:30

safe, guarded by people who've been

24:32

denied both and don't even need to let

24:34

anyone else have any.

24:38

More horror.

24:40

The final horror. The

24:42

lingering taste of betrayal.

24:45

Of yourself, of your past, of

24:48

your ethics, of your future. Children

24:52

bred as food stock. Their

24:54

legs literally taken out from under

24:56

them to serve the very customers

24:58

the colony has convinced itself it's

25:01

punishing. Sacrificing

25:03

the future to serve the very worst aspects

25:06

of the present.

25:09

A nuanced menu, prepared

25:11

with meticulous care by four of the finest

25:13

chefs. My compliments

25:16

to you all.

25:18

Whether it was witchery, some modern

25:20

science, or a demon let loose from hell,

25:23

I am unable to decide. Williams

25:26

Bell, from an authenticated history of

25:28

the Bell Witch. Who's

25:31

there?

25:36

From 1817 to 1821, an entity

25:39

calling itself Kate tormented the Bell

25:41

family of West Tennessee. There

25:43

is still no widely accepted explanation

25:45

for this haunting.

25:50

Coming summer 2024 on the new

25:53

hit audio drama Afflicted, the Bell Witch

25:55

returns to haunt a family in 1960s Tennessee. But

25:58

only if we raise enough money. to pay our cast

26:00

and crew a living wage. Help

26:03

bring this haunting to life and snag

26:05

exclusive rewards like limited edition

26:07

supporter t-shirts, producer credits, and

26:09

more at afflictedaudio.com

26:12

support. But do it quickly. Some

26:14

perks are limited only

26:15

to early supporters.

26:21

We rely on you to pay our authors and staff

26:24

and cover our costs, all of them.

26:27

It is very tough right now. So

26:29

if you can support us, please do. We've

26:32

got PayPal and Patreon subscriptions that

26:34

start at five bucks a month. Both get you

26:36

access to our audio archive. The Patreon

26:38

subscription tiers get you all sorts of goodies at the higher

26:41

levels. Please, please help

26:43

out if you can. It's very needed. If

26:46

you can't help financially, perhaps you could consider

26:48

talking about us. That helps a lot too.

26:51

If you liked an episode, please link to it or

26:53

blog about it or leave a review on your podcaster of

26:55

choice. It all helps. And with your help,

26:58

we can keep doing this. Sudapod

27:01

is part of the Escape Artists Foundation, a

27:04

501c3 nonprofit. And this

27:06

episode is distributed under the Creative

27:08

Commons Attribution and Non-Commercial No Derivatives 4.0

27:12

international license. Join

27:14

us next week for Nymph of Darkness by C.L.

27:17

Moore and Forrester J. Ackerman with

27:19

audio production by Chelsea, hosting from

27:21

The Wilson Fowley and narration

27:23

by Rish Outfield. We'll

27:26

see you then. But before that, Sudapod

27:28

wants you to know that at times tonight, you

27:31

will ingest fat, salt, sugar,

27:33

protein, bacteria, fungi, various

27:36

plugs in animals and entire

27:39

ecosystems. We'll

27:41

see you next time. Have fun, folks.

27:45

It's

27:51

a Sudapod, it's a Bigfoot. It's

27:53

all about podcasts

27:54

these days.