0:08

Hello and welcome to the Moonologue Sessions by

0:11

Quirky Voices. We're

0:14

excited to share with you today some monologues

0:16

inspired by the moon landings of 50

0:19

years ago today, and

0:21

none of this program would be possible

0:23

without the amazing Patreons for

0:25

Quirky Voices. So Alma,

0:27

Artists Soapbox, Audioblivious

0:29

Productions, Cheyenne

0:31

Bramwell, Christine, Hazel, Karim,

0:34

Karen, Kirstie, Matthew,

0:36

Michael, Paul, and William.

0:39

This is for you. For you,

0:42

are legend. Enjoy.

0:46

Oh, and this awesome music is

0:48

by Carlo Xan -

0:51

enjoy!

1:10

Welcome to The Moonologue Sessions,, an

1:13

outer spiral arm of sharing winning audio

1:15

monologues from those who entered and won their words a

1:17

place.... On a rocket ship to the

1:19

moon. Oh

1:21

the moon! The moon. Such beauty,

1:24

such craters.

1:26

Some say it drives us crazy, but

1:29

some of us were crazy to begin with. Sure. I'm

1:32

your narrator, Bret. Pleasure

1:34

to meet you. Anyway...To the rocket

1:37

ship! We join our intrepid heroines Tanya

1:39

and Sarah having a bit of chat, and eating chocolate

1:41

bravely...Oh, so bravely! They're on their way

1:43

to the moon for some well earned rest, and peace from

1:46

the lawnmowers and traffic

1:48

in general. And hubbub. Having built

1:50

their rocket ship out of old

1:52

tech and audio plugins and mic stands and pop shields,

1:56

and with the rockets, every movement fuelled by the speaking

1:58

of words, they must speak or else use

2:00

the speech of others to realize their dream of

2:02

becoming...

2:13

THE FIRST FEMALES ON THE MOONY LUNAR SURFACE, EVVERRRRRR!

2:13

L oony surface more like (Snorks). Brett.

2:17

Brett... You have got an

2:19

awesome n arrator v oice. Do you know that?

2:21

Oh, thank you very much. Bye.

2:25

He mooned me! Cheek!. Well,

2:29

cheeks...Bye.

2:29

Byyyyye! Screen off.

2:33

You’re a terrible flirt

2:36

Sarah . Just sayin‘...

2:37

Thank you! Yeah, I think I might

2:39

put that on my CV.

2:40

Oh my God.

2:41

It's not flirting. It's just

2:43

being nice. Yeah.

2:45

Uh huh. Yep . So

2:48

here we are, Sarah , you

2:51

and me - orbiting the earth, fuelled

2:54

by 14 slices of moon

2:56

writings written to celebrate the

2:58

moon landings that happened...50 years

3:01

ago today. Wow. How

3:04

old were you then?

3:06

Hahaaa, yeah, I was but a - a twinkle

3:09

in my ma and pa’s eye thank you very much.

3:12

Although um...My husband's 50 this

3:14

year... Too, yeah, October, so so, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MAYAN! (Sings badly) A-happy birthday to you...

3:20

No, no, don't sing Sarah

3:23

.

3:26

(Muffled as Tanja puts her hand over Sarah’s mouth) I’ve got my...But I’ve got my ukelele.

3:26

Great. More fuel!

3:27

No dont throw it in the... Ahhh.

3:31

Your hand...your hand, tasted like , like...

3:33

Cheesy cookies.

3:35

Nice.

3:37

I should , um , I should text

3:40

him if I'm going to be away for a few days before

3:42

we, before we lose the signal.

3:47

Who?

3:47

I forgot.

3:48

Sarah , you're much more Drunk Helen in real

3:50

life than I thought you were .

3:52

I thangyaw!

3:52

It's a compliment. Don't worry.

3:53

I would drink to that, but ...you wont open the bar yet...

3:56

....not till we're closer! We need

3:59

to name it first anyway.

4:01

Okay. Well I named this

4:03

bar....

4:07

You named t his bar...space b

4:10

ar?

4:09

Yesssss...

4:09

Oh my

4:12

God! Not sure I'm

4:14

going to last three days with you like this!

4:16

Oh c’mon! We’ll have a lovely time! Uhm, We, we‘re

4:20

slowing down. You need some fuel. I. I think you

4:22

should read the first one ...get the fuel Really burning

4:24

with the - the first Moonologue of Joy!

4:28

Me?

4:28

Yeah! Well, Who else am I going

4:30

to ask?

4:30

Nabu.

4:32

WOOF!

4:32

The boo bear !

4:33

Your dog?

4:33

Bark. bark!

4:33

No. He's

4:36

lovely...but I... I can't believe you bought him.

4:38

I mean where's he going to do a p-

4:39

How’s about my mascot? Mister Twinkletoes? Hello,

4:42

Mr Twinkletoes.

4:46

H mm.

4:47

(CREEPY VOICE) Hallo Tanja! How can I help you?

4:51

Byyyy not saying another word for the moment

4:54

because you are... Quite

4:56

creepy and I don't

4:59

know why I actually brought you.

5:00

No, no, he's , he's

5:03

very creepy, Tanya

5:05

.

5:07

Thank you. I like being creepy.

5:11

I get more creepy...if I am.....ignored.

5:17

Yeah. I suppose we could ask

5:19

him to...? Actually no,no...just put

5:22

him away somewhere. Strange

5:25

staring eyes on the h airy robot

5:27

thing. Did you really have h im in your cot when

5:29

you were little and just... Just

5:32

staring and... hairy and...

5:34

A-ha...

5:36

Uh , I...give The best...cuddles...

5:40

Oh my God, that's...creepy. Okay.

5:42

Twinkletoes...shh! But um, Yeah.

5:46

Tanja, you go on. You start before

5:47

uhm, before we lose the light completely

5:49

to... To venture onnnn to....the dark

5:52

side of the moon!

5:54

I love that album. Okay.

5:57

Well, here goes Somethin‘! Moon...by

6:00

Haydn Davis....narrated by

6:03

Tanya Milojevic. I walk

6:05

along a long, lonely,

6:07

dark alleyway. My

6:10

senses are alive. I'm

6:12

a little bit scared - Two attacks

6:15

in my past flitter across

6:17

my mind like phantoms. W

6:20

as that a n oise behind me? I

6:22

spin around. Nothing. No

6:25

one. Just

6:28

the dark....dead...silent night.

6:33

I return to my journey. I

6:36

l ook to the sky. Dark

6:39

clouds - barely

6:41

discernible from the starless dark

6:43

sky - float across my view,

6:45

making me feel a pang of vertigo.

6:49

I look straight ahead, shaking

6:52

off the feelings of dread and...sickness. Up

6:55

ahead, I suddenly see a

6:57

gleam of light...a narrow

7:00

silvery beam cutting

7:02

across the alleyway about

7:04

100 yards ahead, illuminating

7:07

the rough ground. Part of

7:09

the bare, rotting fence

7:11

on one side, and tangled undergrowth

7:14

on the other. The

7:16

monochrome view that greets me

7:17

- all be it a welcome change

7:20

from the cloying dark - is

7:22

never-the-less... Unsettling...and

7:26

I hear my breath catch in

7:28

the back of my throat. My

7:30

pace s lows... as my heart rate

7:33

quickens noticeably, and

7:36

once again I look behind

7:39

me. This time...this

7:43

time a shadow of a figure is

7:45

barely visible in the distance. No

7:49

more than a slightly darker part

7:51

of the surrounding view. T

7:54

here i s no doubt that someone

7:56

is there... Following

7:58

me. Suddenly,

8:01

the luminescence that was confined

8:03

to a single ray envelops

8:04

me, and I

8:07

look up to see a gigantic

8:10

full moon above me. It

8:12

seems to have banished the clouds

8:15

that once obscured it, and itsS

8:17

cold light flows

8:20

over me. I

8:23

look back to the shadow of the figure

8:25

following me, and with a

8:27

Deep, Gutteral, Volpine growl, start

8:30

t o r un towards it.

8:35

RAAAAAAA

8:35

Woahwoahwoah get off me you werewolf wannabe! Actually, if

8:39

you don't mind me saying...you do need...a.. shave.

8:42

Charming!

8:42

Yes I am!

8:42

No you’re not!

8:42

Woahhh! I thought

8:46

you put ‘ im away....

8:47

Did you know you’ve got one long

8:50

hair coming out of your chin?

8:51

Yeah. ‘ Course!. It's for

8:54

...good luck. Yeah. You'll

8:56

get one when you're my age. You never

8:58

know when you might need a long hair hmm

9:00

hmm? So.... Ow! Twinkletoes

9:05

pulled out my hair!

9:05

Gross! God, that's

9:10

long.

9:10

How did you do that? So creepy robot. Wow.

9:13

Yeah. That is long though. It's ...a...bit weird.

9:17

Um, changing the hairy subject. Do ya think, the moon landings

9:19

ever happened?

9:20

I don't know . I mean, the

9:23

stuff we saw on TV.... Really

9:26

kind of leads me to believe that it's true.

9:28

But ....why haven't we

9:30

advanced since then?

9:33

Why aren't we going to Mars? And you

9:35

know, and I don't mean Rover. I mean

9:38

like.... Why aren't people settling on a

9:40

different planet by now? But...

9:42

I don't know. I mean it was pretty realistic

9:44

and money didn't go into it, I

9:47

guess....not enough money

9:49

since the space race. So like, I

9:52

mean, that could be why.

9:55

I don't know . I guess my short answer is ...I

9:57

don't really know. I hope so.

10:00

Well see, I found this groovy

10:03

monologue from, from James Powell, the infamous

10:05

American screenwriter . He -you know, the fella? Anyways,

10:08

have a listen to this!

10:13

The Apollo moon landing franchise that never

10:15

was. My name is James

10:18

Pell, and I am the uncredited

10:20

screenwriter for the 1969

10:22

summer blockbuster.... The moon

10:24

landing. People talk

10:26

about Stanley Kubrick's brilliant vision.

10:28

Like.... I didn't write out the step

10:30

by step instructions. (Laughs) Oh,

10:33

well, you know, he did manage to find some

10:36

ways to put his ...y’know...personal stamp

10:38

on it. The script , uh,

10:40

my script called for a shot

10:43

of a , uh , still unmoving

10:45

American flag. But you know , Kubrick thought

10:47

the imagery of a blowing flag

10:49

would make for a much more ‘pro

10:52

American Apple pie shot’

10:54

as he called it. So that's how we

10:56

ended up with that uh...ridiculousness! Oh...‘one small

11:03

step for man, one

11:05

giant leap for

11:08

mankind’. Remember that little

11:11

gem? Yeah.

11:13

Well, All me! Well uh, that's

11:16

a , it's not entirely true. I

11:18

will say that Neil

11:20

Armstrong and I worked together on

11:23

....crafting his famous line. But

11:25

if I am truly being

11:27

honest with myself and ....with

11:30

you, then I should probably

11:33

admit that I did about.....I'll

11:36

say , uh , 85% of

11:38

the work and Neil’s...., 10%. Amember

11:41

of craft services came up with the a

11:43

one giant leap bit, so, y ou k now, t

11:45

hey, they, they get about, we'll say

11:47

5%. Before that

11:50

we were a , you know, considering a, ‘a hop,

11:52

skip and jump for mankind’

11:54

or a, a ‘bunny hop for all

11:56

of humankind‘ or something.

11:59

U h, I really felt

12:01

that we uh should feature the

12:03

word ‘hop‘, cause at the time, the public

12:06

was uh, really latching o

12:09

nto the zeitgeists of, u h, of

12:11

all the songs i n popular culture

12:13

that had featured the word hop

12:16

or had a bunny in it. U

12:18

m, and at the time when we were first conceptualizing

12:21

it, we were awfully close to Easter,

12:23

u h, for our release date, and I thought

12:26

maybe we would make it in time. So

12:28

putting an Easter bunny reference in there would

12:31

have probably been ideal. I,

12:33

I've grown to accept it and,

12:36

u h , a ppreciate it for

12:38

what it is, u

12:40

h , r egardless of

12:42

it s, u h....banality. Uh

12:47

, t hen Neil f****ed up his

12:49

lines anyway, you know, u

12:51

h , t he, the, the man was at w as a

12:53

...was a terrible, terrible, improviser,

12:56

but you kn ow w hat they say about actors and astronauts?

13:00

Oh, it's, u h , i

13:02

t's ....pretty funny....what they

13:04

say. Oh, well, u

13:06

m , y ou know, u h , s o , so, so once I, u

13:09

h , I , you know, I turned in the final draft, I,

13:11

I lost, you know, ALL creative

13:13

control over the project, which is, you know,

13:15

cry me a river, cause that's the story

13:17

of every amazing screenwriter. You

13:20

know, a man in black, u h , i

13:22

n a black suit, u h , g ave me a cheque

13:24

for $35,000, and then drove

13:27

away in a black Cadillac,

13:29

which at the time- $35,000 - I was

13:33

...over the moon, so to speak. Uh! Oh,

13:37

well, you know, right away I, I

13:39

went and, and bought myself a black

13:41

suit and a Buick. I, u

13:43

h , c ouldn't afford a Cadillac yet, but,

13:46

but it was coming soon. I could

13:48

feel it. At the time I

13:50

thought I'd finally made it. I envisioned

13:53

the moon lending as

13:55

an Epic trilogy.

13:58

Eventually we'd be able to spin it off into an entire

14:00

cinematic universe, a

14:02

shared universe, if you will.

14:06

I already started writing a s e quel. Se e, Ne

14:08

il i s a d e bt a nd buzz along with an overwhelmed

14:11

rookie astronaut for a partner is forced

14:14

to travel back to the moon in

14:16

1971 to find out

14:18

why, why, what you ask? Ha! That's

14:22

what everyone else was asking at the time. But

14:25

the third was going to be something...

14:27

Bigger, something to do with lunar

14:29

land rights an d c olonial disputes.

14:32

I wanted to get into the politics

14:34

of colonization and

14:37

stuff like that. Important

14:39

things of the time. But I

14:42

hadn't written it out yet. I just, I

14:44

didn't want to get ahead of myself, but, u

14:46

h , I had a lot of notes.

14:49

I watched in awe

14:52

on July 20, 1969 - not

14:57

at the television screen, but... At

15:00

all the faces enraptured by

15:02

...our ...art. Noone

15:05

watching the moon landing that night

15:07

would ever....be the same

15:09

again. Pleased with our opening

15:11

night success. I sat back and

15:13

I waited for their call. I

15:15

...I just stared

15:18

at the phone... I would sit there at my

15:21

recliner with a whiskey

15:23

in hand, a...cigarette pressed between

15:26

my lips, just squeezing

15:28

the life out of it with it waiting.

15:30

I planned

15:34

to play a little ha rdball d uring negotiations.

15:37

The first film was a hit and that meant I had some

15:39

leverage now. Wasn’t about

15:42

to squander the opportunity, but,...but, that

15:46

call never came. The studio

15:48

decided to hire a new team

15:50

of writers and proceeded to churn

15:53

out five - count them - five

15:55

sub par sequels in

15:58

three years. Apollo 12,

16:00

Apollo 14, and Apollo 17

16:02

were MAJOR flops, and

16:05

largely ignored by the general public. By

16:07

1973 it was clear

16:10

that the American people were bored

16:12

with the moon, and the plug was officially

16:14

pulled on the moon landing franchise.

16:17

The ruined it. We cou ld've ha d it ....all

16:20

cou ld ha v e ha d it all. Recently, I've

16:24

heard the Space Force rumours, and

16:27

with what they're planning to do now, they know....

16:30

It's goi ng to ta ke a REAL creative genius

16:32

to pull it off. Y’know. If

16:35

my phone rings, (Laughs) if my

16:38

...country needs me

16:41

...again. Yeah. Yeah.

16:45

I will....I’ll answer that call. God bless

16:50

America! PEACE.

16:51

MUSIC FADES OUT

16:54

Well, that's food for thought.

16:57

Could Space Force be real?

17:00

I wonder if they have cool uniforms .

17:02

I'd love to be in Space Force... Like

17:05

.....vocally, not, not actually.

17:08

Probably be a bit ....sick. I mean, I haven't

17:10

done many ...space things

17:11

lately... Voiced

17:13

I mean... Bit of Girl in space, Marsfall, Astral Queen...

17:15

Hm! I've done

17:18

a few. Marsfall, Vast,

17:22

Edict Zero... Star

17:24

Trek Outpost. So

17:26

wait, why are we going to the moon again?

17:28

We....are going to the moon to

17:30

be the first all

17:32

female -

17:32

...and Twinkletoes....

17:32

....and Twinkletoes.....

17:40

Ohmygodwheredidhecomefrom? And...Twinkletoes.

17:40

WOOF!

17:40

Boo bear! And Nabu!

17:42

Ok, the first All female, and Twinkletoes

17:45

toes and Nabu..

17:45

....and your

17:47

freshly plucked. Inhumanly

17:50

long lucky chin hair.....

17:52

...Aannnd My freshly plucked inhumanly long, lucky

17:54

chin hair rocket mission to land on

17:58

the moon, Innit. Yeah. Yes

18:00

. This is a sharing of, of a live recording

18:02

of people's winning monologues sent to Quirky Voices,

18:04

and performed all the way up here

18:06

innnn spaaaaace. Yeah

18:09

. No effect there, no? Then beamed

18:11

across this wondrous universe...

18:14

For literature, for Art,

18:16

for....adventuuuure. And

18:20

um, hello if you're listenin....

18:21

Hiiiiii.

18:21

It’s me, S arah.

18:24

Hello!

18:24

And thats...Tanya. So

18:26

yeah, listener , um, probably

18:28

just, just, my mum and

18:30

dad , um, if you go outside, and

18:32

and and take a look up

18:34

from, from wherever you are - but don't

18:36

let that front door close on you again, cause you

18:38

know the problems that caused last time - So just

18:40

go on out. Out you go right now! Go on.

18:43

We can wait a bit., can’‘t we Tanya?

18:44

A bit...

18:44

So go

18:47

outside, even if it's like 4:00 AM and just,

18:49

just try not to wake everyone though, a nd, and you go

18:51

out and look up, and you might just

18:54

spot us, orbiting the planet,

18:56

and doing thousands of miles per hour above

18:58

your heads and just, just

19:00

breathe in the earth’s air, stop.

19:04

And, a nd and properly look. Okay.

19:06

Just, just take a moment to

19:08

take in the vast sky

19:11

of stars. More vast in

19:13

numbers t han any brain could ever properly

19:15

understand. Pinpricks

19:18

of light travelling light years to your eyes, while...while

19:20

I'm talking about it to your ears - s’amazing! And...whilst

19:24

you’re there, just, just

19:26

have a little wonder.. L ike I am now, as I...stare out of our make

19:29

s hift r ocket window down on earth

19:31

a nd, and beyond. A nd wonder... I

19:34

s there, is there anyone

19:37

staring back at us ...other

19:40

than OHMYGOD? TWINKLETOES GET OUTTA MY FACE!

19:42

Sorry.

19:42

Is there uhm....SorrywherewasI? Is

19:48

t here u m, is there anyone ...staring

19:50

back at us, hmm? Other

19:52

than a....(exasperated noise) ...a.... Dog doing a poo!

19:54

WOOF WOOF WOOF.

19:54

Tanja....can You seriously try to stop

19:57

him doing that...theres no air in....I'm trying

19:59

to concentrate on being wistful and, and contemplate

20:02

our existence in this universe. And all you...Oh my

20:05

god. It’s floating! It's

20:07

floating!....Whats aaa...aaahoooaaaa.....

20:09

Nabu! Good boy!

20:12

WOOF.

20:12

Oh my God,

20:14

that’s where the house key went...

20:15

Aarrghhh (Wretches).

20:15

BARK.

20:15

I was looking for

20:17

that for weeks...

20:17

(Wretches).

20:17

...couldn't get in

20:20

...for a couple of days. I have a...

20:21

Where you g onna wash that? Uh, please

20:25

put that p oo bag in The fuel system...it stinks in here now. Aaah! Actually, why

20:30

has no one i nvented stenchlless poo, a nd soundless

20:31

planes? Hm? And Don’t get me started

20:34

on lawnmowers... Anyways, where

20:36

was I? Hah! Yes. Wistful wistful

20:38

wistful.... A nd, and, and us, me

20:40

and Tanya, Twinkletoes, Nabu and, a

20:43

nd my one ridiculously freakishly

20:45

long chin hair. Well, if you

20:48

look up, you might see us... We‘re like a

20:50

- a blue f lash s peeding across

20:52

t he s ky, c ause we're going...so Fast.

20:54

See, we've just

20:57

fired up the combustion fuel

20:59

injection word-in conglomeraters!

21:00

The...the, the...the what?

21:00

The combustion

21:03

fuel injection word-in conglomoraters! Yes.

21:06

It..it’s w here our words

21:08

go in ...just in here...

21:10

... Into that microphone?

21:11

Aha. And they , they push

21:13

fuel out to , to power the engines

21:15

back there, next to the emergency

21:17

lawn mower and toaster power... Behind

21:19

us ...somewhere...there.

21:21

How does it do that?

21:23

Words...power rockets?

21:25

Aha. Um , pffffff.....science?

21:28

Science? That's all

21:31

you got?!

21:32

Yeah, yeah I mean, i sn't that amazing? We’re - we’re orbiting earth

21:35

cruising, and increasing speed by the power of voice

21:37

as fuel at the moment, as...we speak, BECAUSE...we

21:41

speak ....I mean... Sound fuelled rocket ships...GENIUS!.

21:44

Yes. I knew v

21:46

oice a cting would come in handy for something. Ah.

21:51

(Pause) Where are we over now, Tanya?

21:52

Um, seriously, you're asking me to look out

21:55

the window, Sarah?

21:57

Oh yeah . Yeah. Sorry. It was... I forgot. ‘Cause

21:59

you‘re so...but.... You

22:01

can see some things can‘t you, I mean it's not ...complete

22:03

blindness, is it?

22:06

Nnnooooooo.....Not complete blindness. Just enough to get me

22:08

into trouble.

22:08

You, are always trouble pal

22:11

. (Laughs)

22:13

Hey, can I use a telescope?

22:15

I might be able to see something with that...? Or a...a microscope...maybe. No,

22:23

that wouldn't work. I can see

22:26

blackness out there and space.

22:27

So, that

22:30

means there's nothing there. No obstacles,

22:32

which means I can pilot this thing! Let's do

22:35

it!

22:35

Yeah, let's do it. Alright, orrrr... Okay.

22:39

Welllllll.

22:39

You could ask me....Twinkletoesssss.

22:39

ArrghhArgh! Will You STOP

22:46

floating up on me! No,

22:49

I don't don’t want to ask you. Thank you. GoOverThere. (Clears throat) Um, we could

22:54

maybe ask, Nabu... does he communicate

22:56

in...in Barks?

23:01

BARK! WOOF! BARK!

23:01

Oh....You‘re soon to be...the first dog to be ...walking

23:04

on the moon....

23:05

Who is my luvly wittle guide dog?

23:05

SNEEZES. oh god. SNEEZES.

23:05

Who is? Oh! Nabu!

23:05

BARK WOOF BARK BARK.

23:05

Sneezes.

23:05

BARK

23:05

Lovely little guide dog.

23:17

SNEEZES. Oh. I....didn't tell you I was allergic did I? To

23:20

dogs?

23:20

...Only a few thousand times.

23:23

...Well at least my voice stayed the same this time.

23:24

Did you

23:27

hear that episode of We Fix

23:29

Space Junk where I was...

23:30

...Season two, episode seven. Yep

23:33

.

23:33

SNEEZES.

23:33

Hiccup. Change voice..fun!

23:37

Oh , he's scratching there again. He

23:39

hasn't. Um, he hasn't brought fleas with him has he....?

23:42

Sarah . Don't be crazy. You were scratching there too.

23:45

Yeah but, That's eczema though, isnit...’s different.

23:48

I'm sorry Nabu. I know

23:50

you are a gorgeous little fellow arent you, yes you’re a a lovly litle doggie...yesyouare. Oh

23:56

yeah, he’s scratching again. SNEEZES. Ugh.

24:00

Oh, that reminds me. We had this with this brilliant winning

24:02

script from Maya Peace, aged nine from England.

24:04

Do you want to hear it?

24:05

Maya Peace?

24:05

Yeah.

24:07

What a beautiful name!

24:07

..To protect the innocent. Oh,

24:10

this is a great one. You'll love it. SNEEZES.

24:12

The fleas

24:14

by nine-year- old Maya Peace, narrated by

24:17

Mads Upton . Sunday,

24:20

the 19th

24:24

of November, 1969. Dear diary, today the fleas

24:29

dressed from head to toe in blinding

24:31

white pajamas, with a metal

24:34

cylindrical foreign object - I

24:37

prefer to name them CFO‘s - strapped to

24:39

them, landed on me again, leaving

24:41

a small crater on my body. I was

24:43

scared... Of what they would

24:45

do next, and indeed, tried to shake

24:48

them off, but not to any avail. Instead,

24:51

I was orbiting earth

24:52

where they originated from, whilst acting terrified. They tortured

24:57

me, setting up a pointy and

24:59

sharp stick with paper on the end.

25:02

It had embroidered

25:04

red and white stripes on it, but a

25:06

quarter was with white stars, with a deep

25:08

blue background, and so it made me think

25:10

of my beloved home in space... uh...being

25:14

invaded by these strange people.

25:17

They also thought I was a place for them to live on

25:19

- their rocky bed. I

25:22

t was horrible! Listening to them loudly snoring.

25:26

I have negative feelings about the

25:28

scenario. I am...in

25:30

pain... The fleas think I am inhabited

25:33

by aliens, which... may be true.

25:36

They are unbelievably annoying

25:37

- I a m not to

25:39

be used as a sleeping bag, and I a

25:41

m just fed up with them coming here once

25:44

every couple of years. They

25:46

have disrupted my somewhat peaceful

25:48

life, in which I am perfectly

25:50

content without constant interruptions for six

25:53

months straight. Next

25:55

time I 'll b ring out my c annons. T

25:58

here'll be sure to do fatal damage to the internal

26:00

organs of the fleas. Not to mention the

26:02

oxygen tanks of those fairly big needles

26:04

they ride.... In comparison

26:06

to me.

26:09

Ah, the moon has feelings! Cool....

26:11

According to Ms Peace, Yes.... Because....

26:14

Speaking of which , um ...ahhh....Oh my

26:16

foot's gone to sleep. I think I need a little

26:18

walk on it once we‘ve listen to the next Moonologue. That's

26:21

right.

26:21

Moonologue? Love that. Nice!

26:23

Yeah. I think it was coined by Karen Heimdahl, Who, who.. Incidentally...wrote this next

26:27

piece...fun times! Right! I'm,

26:30

I'm off for a walk...or a...float...floaty Walk.

26:34

For all of three foot that way?

26:36

Yep.

26:36

You've got two feet already.

26:38

Yep. Three foot this way is uh , another

26:41

woman's 4,000, 700 million plus infinity mile journey the

26:44

other way I guess hmm? Yeah. Can

26:46

you um? Can you play them the thingy? If it's loud

26:49

enough....it might wake up my foot.

26:52

Well, of course. Here you go folks.

26:55

This is a moon monologue

26:57

by Karen Heindel. Valan

27:00

is a woman of color, and a

27:02

specialist, a mining engineer.

27:05

She's in her mid thirties. This

27:07

scene takes place in a mining base,

27:10

located at the South pole of the moon,

27:13

sometime in the late 2070s. Ooh,

27:15

will we still be alive

27:17

then? (Pause) Sarah? (Pause) Sarah?

27:19

(Pause) Oh,

27:24

she's gone.

27:25

....She’s behind youuuuu....

27:29

OHMYGOD he’s so sinister. How is he

27:32

a child's toy? And yes,

27:35

yes . I am behind you and yes, I hope

27:37

to be alive in the 2070s.

27:41

Yes , I am aiming to get to telegram

27:43

from my King one day.

27:45

Elvis is dead.

27:46

Yes....I mean the future.... Future King of England.

27:50

Oh, yes. A telegram.

27:53

How quaint. Won’t that be

27:55

lovely?!

27:57

’Chaika’, by Karen Heimdahl... Narrated

28:00

by Angelique Lazarus

28:03

Today.... I watched my daughter skip along

28:05

the Murray cognitive.... Braids

28:07

jumping inside her space suit. I

28:10

watched her skipping by the sea of knowledge,

28:13

knowing so much, and yet, so little.

28:16

She is so strong and

28:18

sure and brave and

28:20

trusting. I want to

28:22

protect her from all the dangers of the world and,

28:25

make her life easy and fun and

28:27

safe, but, I know that I cannot. She

28:31

turned and looked at me, just for a second.

28:34

Mischief glinting in her brown eyes, before

28:37

she started running in zigzags, creating tracks, Lunar

28:40

dust slowly swirling up around

28:42

her. I could hear her laughter

28:44

through the comm . She

28:46

ran up to me, and I lifted her up, and swung

28:48

her around like I used to do when she was three.

28:51

I might've struggled a little doing that now back

28:53

on earth, but moon gravity

28:56

means I'll probably still be able to do it...when

28:58

she's 18! I was the first

29:01

woman on the moon. I

29:04

took my first step here on August 27, 2069,

29:08

and I never left. One

29:10

small step for womankind, Right? Though there was

29:13

no broadcast, no media attention,

29:15

no pithy well-chosen words. 100

29:19

years after Neil Armstrong planted his

29:21

flag, and here was I, just an

29:23

engineer, sent to man - to

29:25

woman, In fact- a one person

29:28

mining base. (Pause) Everyone lost

29:31

interest in the moon, once Mars became a viable

29:33

option, with the successful Mars mission in 2024. (Speaking to unheard daughter) What

29:38

was that, sweetie ? (Pause) Yes,

29:41

go out and play if you want, just stay in

29:43

the protected zone. (Pause) No,

29:45

mommy has to finish this. (Pause) Yes,

29:49

you go! Don't forget to pee

29:51

before you get into your suit! Love

29:54

you too sweetheart. (Pause) I

29:57

am so lucky to have her. I

30:00

never thought I wanted a kid, and for

30:03

a long time I was so happy

30:05

on my own, but ...it was

30:07

written into my contract with Co

30:09

smo Corp t hat as I was away on an indefinite

30:12

mission during my reproductive years, I

30:14

could ‘request sperm

30:16

if I wished to procreate’Procreate’. And

30:19

I thought about it more and more ...about

30:22

bringing up a kid in this place

30:25

....about if I would be any good at this parenting

30:28

thing.... About if I could stand NOT trying.

30:29

(Pause) In the end

30:32

I realized I couldn't ....stand it that

30:34

is. So, I requested some

30:36

sperm (Giggles), and in t

30:38

he next supply crate there were five vi als f rom five

30:41

different men. No clue who they

30:43

are, or ...were,

30:45

I suppose. (Sigh) I got

30:49

pregnant on the third try. I

30:51

was fortunate to have a pretty uncomplicated

30:53

pregnancy. I only realized after

30:55

I actually got pregnant and did some proper

30:58

research, how dangerous even normal

31:00

pregnancies are, and what absolute

31:01

lunacy - pun definitely

31:04

intended - It was

31:06

to even consider being pregnant and

31:08

give birth all on my own. Of

31:11

course the contract was not drawn up by someone

31:13

with a uterus, let alone someone

31:15

who had actually given birth. So what

31:17

di d t hey know? (Pause) It

31:19

was ...horrible...but!

31:24

We both survived, and she was such

31:26

a happy and easy baby.

31:29

Good thing because I still had to do my job.

31:32

Mining on the moon is fairly automated tho

31:34

ugh, s o it worked out all right. I

31:36

remember reading about the first women astronauts

31:39

and how they got these ridiculous questions

31:41

about how they were supposedly abandoning

31:43

their husbands and children, and if they weren't

31:45

afraid they would get ‘hysterical‘ -Hate that

31:48

word - and not be able to control

31:50

their emotions once in space. I

31:53

guess some things change but ....plus ca changes....

31:55

Right? And now,

31:57

I have been debating whether I should send this out

31:59

into the void. I

32:01

should send something ...and

32:04

it might as well be this, I suppose.

32:06

I am hoping it reaches someone... Hoping

32:09

it reaches the Mars colony really, but.. If

32:12

not ...just someone....anyone. Earth is

32:17

...silent. It has been

32:20

182 days since our final

32:22

supply cra te, an d 164

32:24

days since our last communication with earth.

32:27

What I see from here is ...terrifying.

32:31

I think there was a nuclear war... In th e end.

32:34

From what I could piece together. The global governance

32:36

of Tel us br oke down, and the various

32:38

factions descended

32:40

into all out war... In a matter of weeks. (Sighs) There must

32:46

be survivors, right? They're

32:49

probably in bunkers hiding out

32:51

until it's safe to go to the surface. Yeah,

32:55

that must be it. (Pause) We're

32:59

okay. We can manage

33:02

with the greenhouse and th e animals. The

33:04

supply cra tes we r e mo stly for things like medicine

33:06

and clothes and entertainment and mining equipment.

33:09

And I have a stockpile of medicine and clothing that

33:11

should last us at least 10 years if we're careful.

33:14

Entertainment we can do without...mining equipment

33:17

is redundant now - of course. Why min

33:20

e for titanium when no one's there to buy it? I

33:22

have better things to do with my time. But it

33:26

would be nice to know... To

33:28

know we're not alone...to know

33:31

there is a possibility we could meet someone

33:33

else at some point. So, if

33:36

you hear this, let us know.

33:38

All rig ht? Thanks. I. (Sighs) Chaika...

33:48

Wait right there. I'm coming out

33:50

to play.

33:52

Oh, I love these mommy / daughter stories.

33:55

I mean, just

33:58

look, I mean, just look at the

34:00

earth from here. Hm? Think about,

34:03

all those people...just like, you

34:05

know, from 24 when they put all the

34:07

- the different pictures of things and then imagine

34:09

like , loads of those and ...ahhhh...it's

34:12

mind blowing, isn't it? No,

34:15

no borders, no segregation

34:17

of...vegetation. It's just

34:20

, just one big old

34:22

bluesy, Whitey greeny browny gorgeous

34:25

world... Like , Oh, it's

34:27

beautiful, isn't it?

34:30

Mmm... Beautiful.

34:30

It’s...quite nice.

34:30

OhmyGod. How

34:35

could you even see? You’re a ..Youre a... a Toy

34:38

robot! Is this thing actually

34:40

alive?

34:41

No.

34:43

Yesssss.

34:43

Freaky. (Collects herself). Oh,

34:48

did you see the ’Earth from space‘ episodes

34:51

by the BBC? T hat's amazing.

34:53

Seriously. I mean it's nearly as good as this

34:55

view, except..’cept I can‘t zoom in

34:58

and see iccle baby elephants....splashing in the mud...

35:04

SCOTTISH PODCAST THEME AS RINGTONE

35:04

Um , ‘ ang on...um... My phone’s

35:06

ringing. Sorry.

35:07

...You can still get a signal?

35:08

Yeah! Yeah That's weird, cause we’re right over a

35:10

black spot in the South of England where I never get a signal.

35:12

Oh look... it’s Fiona.

35:14

Helloooo?

35:15

(ON PHONE) Sarah! Hello?

35:15

Helleauuuuu!

35:16

(ON PHONE) Um...I thought

35:19

we were meant to meet in the pub for our planning

35:21

session?

35:21

Who is it?

35:22

Are you on your way...or?

35:23

Uhhh...ah.. Bum

35:26

.

35:27

Who is it?

35:27

ItsIt’s...Fiona Thraille o f of Dashing Onions.

35:30

I was meant t o, to meet her for a...

35:32

Helloo Fionaaaa? How you doin?

35:32

(ON PHONE) Helloooo Tanjajajajajajajjaaaaa....

35:34

So, Sorry Fiona..I'm going

35:38

to be late.

35:39

Well by how long? I can get a later

35:41

train.

35:42

Um, hang on. (WHISPERING) T anya. Tanya, Tanya,

35:45

Tanya. How long does it take to get to the

35:47

moon? Have a quick l ie down and a c hill, maybe a

35:49

game o’ tennis, jump off some Hills, bury

35:51

some treasure a nd, and maybe Twinkletoes

35:53

here, and then, and then get

35:55

back home?

35:56

I’d bury you first.

35:56

I don’t doubt

36:01

it.

36:01

Probably like ...six

36:04

to eight days....because it's

36:07

like 340,000

36:09

miles or more...

36:10

Mmm. Ah. Yes. (TO PHONE) So, Fiona, Yes.....About.... I'll

36:13

be about....six days.

36:17

(ON PHONE) What? You wouldn't be here for six days?!!!

36:19

Yes. Well because I've just

36:21

got to travel 348,000

36:23

miles and then back to the....

36:24

Oh, I can't wait that long. I've got to pick my

36:26

daughter up in two hours. Um,

36:29

Sarah...where exactly are you

36:31

and Tanya ...and Twinkletoes?

36:34

Um, sorry how did you know Twinkletoes

36:36

was here?

36:37

Oh, I sense his dark presence...

36:39

Ah! Fionaaaaa! Lonng time no speak.

36:47

No. Probably for the best.

36:48

Yeah...He's weird, isn't he ? Um , well

36:50

you, you , you’re never going to believe this, but we were on

36:52

our way to the mooohoohoooonnnn!

36:56

That's exciting. The real moon?

36:58

Yeah of course. Is

37:01

there another one?

37:02

I'm not at Liberty to say . So.

37:04

How on earth did you swing that one ?

37:06

Oh... Long story. And David

37:08

Ault helped... With his astrophysics.

37:10

He helped us create the ship and , and well, the rest

37:12

was sheer tenacity and, and really

37:15

stupid experiments with solder irons.

37:18

Um, actually...um whilst you’re here.... do

37:20

want to perform a monologue for us? Um , ‘cause

37:22

words, they fuel the rocket you see.

37:24

And well, you speak so beautifully.

37:29

Oh..um...Sure. What's it called,

37:31

and who's it by?

37:31

Well , the next one's called darkness by .....Oh. Oh,

37:35

that's , that's handy.

37:36

Oh, exciting. Here

37:39

we go. Are you sitting

37:41

comfortably?

37:43

It’s hard ...to sit in space Fiona.

37:47

Ignore him.

37:49

Ignnore him.

37:49

Yep

37:49

BARK

37:49

Oh! You have a dog?!

37:49

That's not my dog .

37:51

It's Nabu.

37:52

WOOF, BARK BARK, BARK BARK!

37:52

Yeah, he wants to

37:54

hear your story. Don't you Boy?

37:56

(ON PHONE) Marvellous. Then I’ll begin. (ECHOING IN AUDITORIUM) Darkness by

38:03

Fiona Thraille. Narrated

38:07

by ...Fiona Thraille. My people. What

38:13

I have to say to you today,

38:16

it's not an easy speech. It's

38:18

not a speech about how well our economy's

38:21

doing. It's not

38:23

a speech about our creation of 2000

38:26

new jobs last week. I've

38:28

already told you all about that. No,

38:32

this is a hard speech, because it

38:34

is personal to me. Even

38:38

leaders like me who were once

38:39

children -whatever the press

38:42

might say- children

38:44

who grew up reading about world

38:46

history; children who

38:48

grew up reading about humanity's

38:51

achievements - who were inspired

38:53

by the incredible scientific

38:56

breakthroughs that preceded our lives

38:58

on this planet. For me,

39:00

one of the greatest accomplishments

39:03

of the existence of the human

39:05

race, was us reaching

39:07

the moon. I 'm a

39:09

bit too young to have seen it h

39:11

appen live on TV, but,

39:14

like pretty much all of you. I

39:16

saw that very famous

39:17

footage - the first

39:20

steps on that dusty surface

39:22

of our n ighttime friend. In

39:25

that moment, I remember...

39:28

The sense of excitement I felt

39:30

...if we could walk on the moon,

39:33

well, we could reach

39:35

anywhere. Have

39:38

you seen that rocket they went

39:40

up in? Those brave astronauts?If

39:42

we could put something together like that

39:45

in the 1960s

39:47

then what can we do now?

39:51

And that's why this is so hard

39:53

to tell you all the truth,

39:56

but you need to know it. You

39:58

deserve to know it so

40:01

that you can act upon it.

40:02

(PAUSE) The moon

40:05

landings never happened.

40:08

Not because there were no

40:10

moon landings, but

40:13

because ...there is

40:15

..no ...moon. I

40:20

appreciate that you're wondering

40:22

about the sanity of your p

40:25

resident right now, and believe me,

40:27

I would prefer for me to be insane...than

40:30

for this to be the truth. But

40:34

truth,It is, and you

40:37

deserve to hear it. For

40:41

many years now, this country's

40:43

top scientists have been concerned

40:46

by the movements of the moon.

40:48

I t's constant nocturnal

40:50

presence above our country's streets.

40:52

But now, using cutting

40:55

edge analysis, those top

40:57

scientists ha ve f ound the moon

41:00

to be...the most sophisticated

41:03

artificial construction of espionage

41:05

we have ever known. An all-seeing, self

41:09

illuminating recording device,

41:12

scouring our co untry, when you

41:14

and I are in our beds, unaware of

41:17

this aggressive surveillance. We are

41:20

still awaiting official verification

41:23

of its origins. So I

41:25

call on you all now

41:27

not to jump to conclusions

41:30

about our neighbors and fellow citizens.

41:33

You understand, this involves

41:36

fake news on an unprecedented

41:39

level. Our en emies literally

41:41

rewriting the history books,‘

41:44

to include mentions of this

41:46

‘planetary body‘ to make

41:48

us feel as if it has always been

41:50

with us - as if it has

41:52

deep roots in our poetry,

41:55

in our art, in our

41:56

silence. So please,

42:00

my people. I impl ore you

42:02

, be patient with us...while we finalize

42:05

our conclusions, and

42:07

trust in us, that this will be met

42:09

with the absolute full force

42:12

of our defensive services. In

42:15

the meantime, for your protection,

42:17

we are instating marti al law

42:19

...with immediate effect. There

42:22

will be a Countrywide curfew

42:23

- 20 minutes before

42:25

dusk every evening until

42:27

sunrise. My dear

42:29

people. I know that

42:32

the vast, vast majority

42:34

of you will be glad to

42:36

cooperate in this. I

42:38

promise you, that we will deal

42:40

with this as fast as possible

42:43

and, unless you're a spy

42:45

trying to make contact with your people

42:47

via the moon s yste ms, this

42:50

will not affect your life at

42:51

all. To hasten this

42:55

process even more, My people,

42:58

I'd like us all to look around us.

43:01

Are there people we might know who

43:03

appear to follow patterns of the moon

43:06

surveillance? Someone in your

43:08

street who goes on ‘business

43:10

trips’ each month...perhaps...even a

43:14

family member....who claims to

43:16

mysteriously bleed in the same Moonphase

43:18

every month? Once again,

43:21

this is not aimed at the

43:23

vast majority of us all. There are

43:27

a tiny minority of

43:29

moon agents walking among us.

43:32

They....are the few. We...are

43:36

the many and we ...will

43:38

...crush them. We

43:41

WILL make our country safe

43:43

once more, but...it

43:47

will take us coming together

43:50

to seek out those who threatened

43:52

our privacy, who pry

43:54

in to our very souls.... With

43:57

their fake so-called

43:59

‘Moonlight’. I

44:02

ask you to trust me

44:04

...like I trust you.....and in

44:07

return, I promise you, that

44:09

I will bring our country

44:12

back to the natural calm

44:15

nights. The natural darkness

44:17

that is our ancestors. Bring

44:20

back our night! Bring

44:23

back our darkness!

44:24

Woahhhh... Is That real

44:31

?

44:32

Love that! You

44:34

should be a President Fiona!

44:35

President? Ooohhhh..powerful...

44:35

Seriously, you're a natural!

44:37

She’d ruin...everything!

44:37

Oh...

44:37

Hmmmm....President of

44:42

a very tiny planet, Maybe.

44:44

I‘d love that! I promise

44:47

to do only nice things and obviously not abuse my

44:49

power in any way, or invade places

44:52

or.....

44:59

(FUZZY SIGNAL UNDER) ...or do anything...bad....

44:59

Oh, we’re losing the signal...

44:59

I CUT HER OFF....

45:06

This is the end of part one of three of the

45:08

Moonologue sessions. Join us

45:10

next time for part two.

45:14

Thank you to Tanya Milojevic for accompanying

45:16

Sarah Golding on this perilous mission, and

45:19

thank you to our winning monologues

45:21

in this episode. Moon

45:23

by Haydn Davis, narrated by Tanja Milojevic. The Moon

45:27

franchise that never was by J

45:30

Christian Ellet, and performed by James

45:32

Oliva. Fleas by Maya Peace, narrated

45:35

by Madison Upton. Chaika by Karen Heimdahl,

45:37

narrated by

45:40

Angelique Lazarus. Darkness, written

45:42

and narrated by Fiona Thraille.

45:45

Thank you to our narrator Bret Maskill-Watts, and

45:49

thank you to Caalo Xan

45:51

for their beautiful music You are listening

45:53

to right now. And huge thanks again

45:55

to all of the Quirky Voices Patreon supporters...

45:58

Who honestly encouraged and made this happen.

46:00

Check out QuirkyVoices@weebly.com for

46:03

more information about upcoming

46:06

Quirky fun. Tune i n... F or t

46:08

he next exciting episode....Coming soon!

46:11

Huzzahs for the moon! And all who have stood u

46:13

pon i t. Happy listening, happy adventuring...

46:16

And goodbye. For now.