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1:00

Yeah, baby, let's fucking go. It's a

1:02

real ass podcast. It's your boy, Luis J Gomez. Some

1:06

of these levels, I feel like they're a little wacky and wonky. A

1:09

little wacky and wonky, buddy. A little wacky and wonky. That's

1:11

what I look for. That's our name for the show. Wacky

1:14

and wonky. Wacky and honky. Wacky

1:16

and honky. Damn it. We

1:18

did it, boys. We did it, folks. We got together and we

1:20

made a joke.

1:22

Welcome to the show. It's a real ass podcast. I

1:24

am the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Chi Chi

1:25

Benson, in the house with the international superstar,

1:28

Zach and Mika. What's up, kid? Morning,

1:30

buddy. I like it. I

1:33

know. Yeah.

1:38

So, I'm going to start with a little bit of a joke. I'm going to start with a joke. I'm

1:40

going to start with a joke. I'm going to start with a joke. I'm going

1:42

to start with a joke. I'm not

1:44

sure anymore. I'm not sure anymore. I'm

1:46

not sure anymore. I'm not sure anymore. I'm not

1:48

sure anymore. I'm not sure anymore. I'm not

1:50

sure. I don't know, but it's just a joke.

1:53

I don't know, but it's just a joke.

1:54

Yeah. And if it's actually funny, I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it again.

1:57

If it's actually funny. No, I watch all the... Yeah.

2:00

I'm going to be here

2:02

for and uh same guest happened before same

2:05

guest same guest same guest. Maybe this might be the third

2:08

time this has happened with this.

2:10

Damn. Um but Jordan Jensen was supposed to be

2:12

here and she is not.

2:14

Mm. A

2:18

level of disrespect that

2:21

I can't believe you tolerate

2:23

II. I'm not tolerating it. I'm **** bringing it up. I'm not happy.

2:26

Yeah, that's Ian's homie, right? Yeah.

2:28

Yeah. Jordan, what is

2:30

up man? She's uh they're not morning people.

2:33

Yeah. Going to show with Ian in the morning has proved difficult.

2:36

Yeah. But you know, to **** to

2:38

to be to be to book a spot as a

2:40

guest to know that we're not going to have anybody else. It is just

2:42

true disrespect. I take my issue

2:44

with it. Please. I don't think you're allowed to

2:46

be sober

2:48

and miss that much **** No, not at

2:50

all. At least depend on your addiction as

2:52

an excuse. I agree. Don't get

2:54

your **** together and then still not show up

2:56

to you. Yeah. You gotta be hung over. That's a good excuse.

2:59

Yeah II don't even know what

3:01

to say here. I'm not happy with Jordan right now.

3:03

I'm I'm half of mine to Doc's her

3:05

and her family and to

3:08

have the fans attack. I don't really know what to do here. I mean,

3:10

you guys let me know in the racist live chat shout out

3:12

to all the people watching live right now. Gas

3:14

digital.com. If you guys aren't subscribed, please use

3:16

the promo code wrap 30. Get a 30 day

3:18

free trial. Get instant access to the on demand library.

3:21

We do uh three shows here uh

3:23

every week.

3:23

The real ass podcast. One of them is exclusive for

3:25

subscribers. So, if you guys

3:27

are watching this on YouTube or iTunes, you know there is a third

3:29

show every week that comes out that is **** great. They're all

3:32

bangers doggy. I'm going to tell you right now. Um

3:34

so go subscribe. You also get the unlock

3:37

thousands of hours of episodes, hundreds of episodes

3:39

of this show. They're not not available anywhere else

3:42

and uh all the shows are ad free and uncensored.

3:44

It's a great great

3:45

platform and it is a great thing to support. So, please

3:47

support gas digital. Um

3:50

incredible guests today on the show from the

3:53

Dura and Deer tag podcast. Ladies and gentlemen,

3:55

Naheem Ali is on the show. What's

3:57

up? What's up? Hell yeah.

3:59

Hell yeah.

3:59

Bro, we in here. What happened, dog? Your

4:02

boy was here yesterday. Friday's

4:04

coming in. Yeah, yeah, I heard. Yeah,

4:06

because it was a pre-tape for Friday. And you couldn't

4:08

come on together? What happened? I didn't know. So

4:10

I wasn't told that we were coming on together.

4:13

I was just asked if I could come on that day. So

4:16

me

4:17

being a fucking prima don, I'm like, well, which

4:19

one coming on YouTube? Let

4:21

me do the YouTube one. That is smarter. Now if they

4:23

just said, yo, your boy's coming on this one. I'd have been like,

4:25

oh, we coming up together. They should have come together. And also that

4:27

one pays you to be on it. I

4:29

would have been here. See, that one gives you cash. This

4:32

one goes out to the masses. Yeah.

4:34

OK. Well, I think this is more important than cash. Yeah, and

4:36

also the one that goes just exclusive,

4:38

there's no technical errors on. So

4:41

the ones that go out to YouTube and

4:43

on all of the other, the exclusive ones are

4:46

fucking, it was crazy how good you

4:48

were. Pristina. Dude, it's fucking

4:50

Pristina Evans. And she's my co-pulpit. And

4:52

you can say more shit on there, can't you? You can say wilder

4:55

shit on there, too. Doggy N-words galore.

4:57

Fuck, bro. Yeah, I fucked up. I should

4:59

have been on that. You got to be on that one. You got to be on the paywall ones,

5:01

trust me. Yeah. This is the one that we

5:03

got to be a little bit more tame.

5:04

Well, honestly, that's not true, because

5:06

we edit anything out that's crazy for YouTube

5:08

anyway. Oh, OK. And I don't know if y'all

5:10

could take me and Drew Montan at the same time. That's

5:12

a lot, bro. That would have been a lot. Drew was great, though.

5:14

He fucking killed it. Love him. Great dude. So look,

5:16

we have a great show planned today. I'm very excited about today's

5:19

show. Let's get into

5:21

it. Let's talk about some things. But first, let's get our plugs

5:23

out of the way. Naim, what you plugging on?

5:25

Helium Comedy Club. Tonight,

5:27

you guys will probably miss it. But tonight, we got

5:30

a show to off the top. Crazy

5:32

Stack Lineup. Zach will be there. Tim

5:34

Butterley, LaMeara Lee, all

5:37

the dogs. Everybody's coming out. Come through.

5:39

Check us out at Helium Comedy Club. Do Wrecking the Deer

5:41

Attack podcast. Craziest podcast

5:43

on Earth. We do our

5:45

patrons nuts. We do comedian

5:48

fights. Bunch of Philly comics.

5:50

Stay at Drew's house for like two weeks. Me and Drew

5:52

train them. Go in the backyard. Fight it. They

5:55

did it in two weeks. We do

5:57

a bunch of wild shit on this. So check out our Patreon. Also,

5:59

we have a podcast.

5:59

Ayo, actually with me and Ben stop is 100%

6:03

facts this shit that sounds crazy But

6:05

it is 100% factual you can check it and

6:07

you're fucking Google encyclopedia Whatever

6:10

you got going on, but yeah, check me out name Ali

6:12

on Instagram also name out name to underscore

6:14

Ali on Instagram Love it. Zach amico. I'm

6:16

on the road Lewis this weekend and the following weekend

6:19

I am in Tampa, Florida at side

6:21

splitters the eighth through the tenth doing

6:23

all the late shows headline and come on out Yeah

6:26

this weekend will be in Austin taking over Austin

6:29

Friday Saturday

6:29

at the creek in the cave late shows

6:32

are selling Well get out to those

6:34

early shows soggy's we need to sell

6:36

some of those tickets Me and Zach amico

6:38

the great paco is coming as well to host those shows

6:40

plus some special guests Rumor has

6:43

it Shane Gillis is in town or a Shafir's in town

6:45

Mark Norman's in town Who

6:47

knows who could be popping into these shows? In

6:50

fact, maybe I'll make them tweet that they will

6:52

be That'd be a great way

6:54

to do things, you know, either

6:56

way come out in Austin. It's gonna be a goddamn

6:58

blast I'll tell you right now and then on Sunday We're

7:01

doing a live realized podcast from the Sun's that

7:03

trip comedy club with special guests already She fear and

7:05

maybe others so come out and grab those tickets now

7:07

because they will sell out and then we're

7:09

doing obviously Skank fest is happening September

7:11

28th through October 1st

7:14

in Las Vegas and Nevada all the planning

7:16

is happening right now So excited about that shout out to your

7:18

creative for making everything possible Then

7:20

we're going out to Europe doing a little

7:22

European run myself Dave Smith

7:25

Zack amico Robbie Bernstein What a fucking

7:27

lineup. Holy fucking shit. We're

7:29

gonna be in London. We're gonna be in Belfast We're

7:32

gonna be in Glasgow and we're gonna be in Amsterdam

7:34

between October 20th and October 25th Coming

7:37

back to stateside it gonna be in zany's Rosemont

7:39

Rosemont, Illinois October 27 28th That's

7:42

it for the rest of this year. Really besides

7:44

a couple local things besides New York stuff I

7:46

have a brand new tour

7:47

the meaty ogre tour coming to you

7:49

starting in January I'm gonna be going

7:51

all over this country in Canada and a few other

7:54

international dates as well that I'm working out so Yeah,

7:56

if you want to see me in your hometown, please let me know

7:59

leave it in the comments

7:59

the comments on YouTube or anywhere Twitter

8:02

Instagram. That's sad.

8:05

Oh, can I have something else? No, I got. Come on. Come

8:07

on, Louis. No, come on, Louis. No, no,

8:09

no. I'm

8:12

opening for Shane Gillis. I forgot. I'm open

8:15

for Shane. Shane doesn't need you to promote his dates.

8:17

Yeah, no, it's all about any fuck away. I just wanted to

8:19

say I want to say your brain bragging

8:21

about opening for sure. I wanted to sound like somebody. You

8:25

got to read your clout. Typical bragger. God

8:27

damn right. Bragger. Bragger.

8:29

Easy. Lots

8:33

of got double G's we good, right? What

8:36

did I what did I drive by the other day? And

8:39

I just saw it and I thought the sign was the N

8:41

word. God damn it. There was

8:43

two G's. Oh, I really wish I knew what fucking

8:46

what what type of place this was. It was

8:48

a radio basis. I was like, wow, that really just made me think

8:50

it said the N word.

8:51

Anyway, was it a shovel store called Digger?

8:54

No, but there is a wiggers

8:57

in Richmond, New Jersey. There's a wiggers

8:59

like florist. Really?

9:01

That's the name of the store. Wiggers.

9:03

Oh, wow. Well, guys, last name is a wigger, I guess.

9:05

That's nice. Incredible

9:07

stuff to talk about. I really love

9:09

what you added here, Shannon. What

9:12

is happening with that? Is your your booth

9:14

microphone is all shitty sounding? Yeah, we

9:16

replaced the switch, but there is apparently an

9:19

issue with the wire. But by the way, I did get a text

9:21

from Jordan right now if you want to hear.

9:22

What is it? What did she say? She said read

9:24

it in her voice about I'm shelving her special.

9:27

I'm shelving her special. Just so you guys know,

9:29

we're

9:29

no longer releasing Jordan Jensen's

9:32

half hour special on guess. Oh, I should be

9:34

promoting that. What am I doing? What

9:36

am I doing? My half hour comes out.

9:38

Thank you, Dougie. My

9:41

half hour comes out Tuesday, September

9:43

5th. I'm not exactly sure what time I

9:45

have some some engagements that I

9:48

have to take care of on that day. So I'm still

9:50

figuring out what time we're going to premiere it on my YouTube

9:52

channel at Louis J Gomez Comedy on YouTube.

9:54

Go subscribe right now and have

9:56

it get the notification

9:59

when a premiere. Sign up for that.

9:59

notification because I think you guys are gonna love

10:02

it. We just released Kurt Metzger's yesterday. It was incredible.

10:04

Go look at go watch Kurt's as well. But

10:07

yeah, my half hour special coming out for

10:09

free next Tuesday, September

10:11

5th on my YouTube channel. So make sure you guys go and

10:14

uh,

10:15

sup right now. Okay, ready?

10:18

Good. So she said, oh my god, exclamation

10:20

point, then I can't believe it. Then

10:22

this is insane. I'm so sorry. I slept through my alarm

10:25

and then I can be there in a half an hour. I'm so

10:27

sorry. And

10:27

then what'd you say? I didn't say anything. I just

10:29

came to tell you to come make her come. Make

10:32

her fucking come. Shannon. Yes. Hell yeah.

10:34

Yeah. Make that bitch fucking get up out of bed

10:37

and be here. Oh, she's calling me now.

10:39

Good. Put her on speaker. Tell her she's on speaker.

10:43

Hi Jordan. You're on speaker. No, put her bring

10:45

her into me. Bring her into me. Well,

10:48

I'm so sorry.

10:51

Right. I wrote the rip by my arm. Uh,

10:53

hold on one second. Hi Jordan. You're on with

10:56

the Puerto Rican rattlesnake. I was

10:58

so sorry. I don't know how I keep doing

11:00

this. I know you're a fucking junkie.

11:04

I'm not a junkie. I'm sober. That's what's

11:06

this. I wish I was addicted to drugs. I

11:08

had an excuse. Oh my god.

11:10

Can you clear your throat before you ever make

11:12

a phone call again? Jesus

11:17

Christ. Stop smoking so

11:19

many cigarettes. You sound like my mom on her deathbed.

11:22

No, that's just a, that's just a voice. Boner

11:24

check. Are

11:27

you coming Jordan? I

11:30

would be half an hour away. Okay. So

11:32

come.

11:33

Really? Hurry. Yeah. Hurry up. Oh

11:35

my god. I'm so sorry. Okay. I'll be right there. Half

11:39

an hour set a half an hour timer and see if Jordan

11:41

makes it. Let's see what's

11:43

going on on Shannon's phone. Oh

11:46

shit. Oh, what are

11:48

you hiding Shannon? What are you

11:50

hiding Shannon? You slut. By the way, that

11:52

was definitely a fake. I just woke up voice. Please

11:55

show it 100%. I've been at a thousand times. She

11:57

was just hanging out with somebody and would hold on

11:59

real quick.

11:59

What? What? Bruch,

12:02

you at, Bruch? Uh-huh. Have

12:05

you been following this Dylan Danis? Yes,

12:08

I have. Fucking, uh. This shit's getting wild.

12:10

What's his name? Logan, Paul. Logan Paul.

12:12

Oh yeah. We talked about it a little bit

12:15

on skanks, but it just keeps going

12:17

on. Yeah, it's going further and further. At first, I

12:20

kinda liked what Dylan was doing. I was

12:22

like, yo, this is pretty fucking funny, and he's really

12:24

fucking, it's brutal, dude. But

12:27

the reality is, like,

12:30

I was going like, it's not like this girl

12:32

fucked all these dudes. And she took pictures

12:34

with them. She's a

12:36

model in the industry, she meets

12:38

famous people all the time, she takes pictures with them. There's

12:41

nothing really, like, weird or shitty

12:43

about that. And I'm sure she

12:45

banged a couple of them, right? I think like- 100%. Who

12:48

is she being confirmed to bang, do we know? Did

12:51

she bang Leo? That would bother me.

12:53

That would be the one that would fuck me up. It would fuck

12:55

me up, because you're not gonna just compete. Like,

12:58

deep down, you're looking at her, you're going like, I know you'd

13:00

rather be with Leo. Yes, but he didn't want

13:02

you. No, you were just a number, you

13:04

were a hole for him, and you were just,

13:06

boom, he moved on to the next one. And deep down inside,

13:09

you'd rather fuck with people. I know you were, I

13:11

know you'd rather be with Leo. All

13:13

of our girls would rather be with Leo. Yes, hell

13:16

yeah. You know? And that has

13:18

to fuck up somebody like Logan Paul, because, you know,

13:20

for all intents and purposes, he

13:22

is a good-looking guy. He's

13:24

very rich, right? He's top

13:27

of the game. They're kind of douchebags,

13:29

but I almost feel like Logan doesn't even carry himself

13:32

as douchey as Jake. He's

13:34

kind of like, he's doing his thing. He's in the WWE. He's

13:37

living his dream. I actually don't mind Logan

13:39

Paul as like, you know, whatever, like

13:41

I'm not a fan of his. I think that, to call yourself

13:43

a fan of another man is gay. She had to edit that,

13:46

because I need these people to pay for subscriptions. But,

13:48

like, no, I respect that, like, kind

13:51

of the way he's carrying himself. Like, he's doing his fucking

13:54

thing, bro. He can't hate on that. Even Jake

13:56

Paul, I kind of respect. I like both of them. I like Logan

13:58

and Jake. They're doing their thing. They're like...

13:59

Literally, they woke up, they

14:02

get up out of bed every day, and they do what they

14:04

wanna do, and you know what, to go and train

14:06

fighting and boxing. They're fighting and they're already

14:08

rich. And they don't have to do it. They don't have to do it. So

14:11

I gotta respect them. I respect them, I respect them.

14:14

But Dylan Danis,

14:15

who's kind of a fucking, like dude, in MMA,

14:18

people fucking hate this guy. This guy's a herb.

14:20

He's not a guy that anybody has much respect

14:22

for.

14:24

Behind the scenes, people don't like this guy. Talk

14:27

to fighters behind the scenes, like no, that guy's a fucking bitch.

14:30

I don't really, I've never met the guy. I mean, he does a lot of clout

14:32

chasey shit, so I get it. Nobody likes those type

14:34

of guys. Yeah, it's just a lot of,

14:37

it's a lot of clickbait shit, right? Which

14:39

is like, you know, and I sorta, I kind

14:41

of tuned in and I was clicking on that

14:44

shit.

14:45

All the stuff with Nina Agdal,

14:47

and she's pretty fucking hot. She is. I

14:49

mean, she's a hot check doggy.

14:52

Her body's fucking righteous. Logan

14:54

Paul needs somebody just to tell him like, yo, you

14:57

should not care about who your girl fucked before

14:59

you were. You just shouldn't, especially if you're

15:01

a millionaire, you're doing things, fuck it,

15:03

it don't matter. It doesn't matter, especially if you- As long

15:06

as they were white. Yeah.

15:09

Well, I'm

15:11

saying like- I'm just saying, I wanna fuck her. I don't need

15:13

to bring in a cleanup crew. Yeah, right, all right. Yeah,

15:15

she's fucking, she's righteous. She's

15:18

nice. She's righteous, yeah, of course. There's

15:21

one video that,

15:23

what's his name put out of her, that where she's

15:25

just like, that's the one. That

15:27

video, it would look, if this, if there was a video of my

15:29

girl doing this, like, and I'm sure every girl's felt this

15:31

way. For sure. I'm sure every gal out there's

15:33

felt this way. I don't understand why

15:35

I put it on video. Why? What's

15:38

the point? Why, they love that shit though. Because you're one of my

15:40

enemies are gonna use it against me one day,

15:42

you idiot. Yes, 100%. You

15:44

don't understand men have enemies. Yeah,

15:46

yes. Go ahead. And they use all types of shit against

15:49

you. Yeah. Let's see this.

15:50

I'm very proud of myself. This is the longest that's ever

15:53

gone without sex since I started.

15:56

Obviously it's driving me crazy. I

16:00

am struggling. I

16:03

mean penis inside of

16:05

me. All I want is like

16:08

a big fat sausage. That

16:12

one hurts. A big fat sausage hurts. So

16:16

if any of you guys know a good dick that doesn't

16:18

have STDs on it, I'll take it. Right

16:22

here. Jesus Christ. What a good

16:24

girl. She's a good girl. She is. But

16:27

that's just like, ah, God damn. If

16:30

your girl has that video out there, like what

16:32

is that video even from? What is it from?

16:35

Yeah, why does she do that? What is it? She's

16:37

just doing it on a live for no reason? Are those vines? They seem

16:39

like they were six seconds long. True. If those are

16:41

vines, it's exactly what you're doing. I'm not gonna do that. I'm

16:43

not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do

16:45

that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna

16:47

do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna

16:49

do that. I'm not gonna do that.

16:51

If those are vines, it's acceptable because vines been going

16:53

for like five years, but that's why it's okay. It's

16:55

okay. How old was she? That video 18.

16:58

Who knows? I don't know. But it's

17:00

so now apparently Dylan Dan is saying that he's got like fucking videos of her

17:02

pictures of her doing like crazy shit. He's like, I can't

17:04

put it out because I'll get arrested because that'll be some fucking

17:06

sort of now people sending him shit now. I'm assuming people

17:08

are just sending him shit. Fuck yo, this

17:11

sucks.

17:12

Damn. He probably got a video of her

17:15

like pegging Logan Paul or something that he's just

17:17

sitting on. He's just like, I could

17:19

put this out at any moment.

17:20

Well, yeah, I mean, at one point it becomes like if he puts

17:22

out any like news against the world,

17:24

some shit that's like on somebody's camera, then it's

17:27

actually against the law. Yeah, right. Yeah,

17:29

you can go to jail for that. Yeah, which I probably, I mean,

17:31

who knows? I have no idea what like the how far

17:33

it can be taken. Yeah. Damn.

17:36

That's some fucking video sucks. That's

17:39

like, look, if you want to, here's the thing. I don't

17:41

think I think Dylan Dan is trying

17:43

to make Logan Paul pull out of it or pull

17:45

out of this fight. I think he's trying to make him

17:47

piss off enough so he gets to go like, oh, look, this guy didn't want

17:49

to fight me because you can't make a guy

17:52

this angry. I don't give a shit about like

17:54

where they say, oh, don't fight emotionally. Yeah,

17:56

you got to get in the ring and fight this guy.

17:58

Yes, you got to.

17:59

Fightin opposite. I feel like he's

18:02

pumping Logan Paul up to beat his a yeah if

18:04

I'm Logan Paul I would fucking I would be

18:07

it would be everything in me to fucking kill

18:09

this while I don't agree with his tactics

18:12

Isn't he kind of out?

18:14

Pauling the Paul brother like he's

18:16

out healing that they've always been Yeah,

18:19

and he's being such a bad guy that he's giving

18:21

Logan Paul the face turn. Yeah. Yeah,

18:24

he is Well, look I'll say now

18:26

and if he Logan Paul knocks him out and he's got that

18:28

picture of him standing over him Right that

18:30

is a that is a victory for him

18:32

everywhere. Yeah I just

18:34

all I know is if that's your chick, dude

18:37

He's just disrespecting her over and over and

18:39

over and over again. It's just like you

18:41

got a fucking Yeah, but then

18:43

you know causes the problems because if that was my

18:46

chance There's a video my girl doing that and for

18:48

all the fans would just fucking be posting it being sure You

18:54

come out of the age of people throw saucers It

19:00

would cause problems that I promise you there'd be a

19:02

conversation I would I would say face and I'd like no

19:04

I love my girl and it doesn't bother me at all There'd

19:06

be a conversation. Oh, she'd be all types of whores at

19:08

home. Why would you such a whore? What

19:10

was so necessary for you? Really

19:13

you fucking pig

19:16

Yeah, oh yeah that causes problems,

19:18

but you know what Logan Paul we punch

19:20

him with some evil intent, bro I tell you that right now.

19:23

He is going to be He's

19:25

a big guy, oh yeah, and you want this guy

19:28

throwing punches at you while angry come on

19:30

How's your training going great great?

19:33

Yeah? Put it

19:35

like this Not

19:37

as good as I thought I was a boxer. Oh

19:39

really took a few years off I have a boxers. I

19:41

was like what 27 28. Oh really 36 now okay and

19:45

Things are slowed down of

19:47

course, but my stamina is better

19:49

My stams out I'm running more at the bits

19:52

all of what it is dude roll fucking old man We're

19:54

all we're old man, and it's gonna be whoever has

19:56

better stamina is gonna win. Yeah, that's

19:58

as simple as that

19:59

But yeah, I'm excited about this. This is

20:02

all gonna fucking happen. We have a big announcement happening this week about

20:04

the fights at Skank

20:06

Fest. So tune in guys, keep on

20:08

paying attention to social media. Lots of

20:10

fun stuff and movement happening there. All

20:13

right, real quick, let's take a moment and thank YoDelta.com

20:15

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20:51

right, let's get back into it. All right, let's talk about

20:53

some of these things.

20:56

Man pleads guilty to having sex

20:59

with a calf. Wow,

21:02

Shannon, what is this? Give me something.

21:06

That's really gross. I like that. So

21:12

there's a British farm owner that was

21:14

suspecting that somebody was messing

21:16

with his cows at night. So he

21:18

set up like some booby traps in

21:21

the field.

21:22

Utter traps. But

21:25

when they went off, he saw

21:28

like somebody run away from the cows. So

21:30

they brought in the cops and the cops tested

21:32

the cow and they were able to connect the

21:34

DNA back to this guy, Liam Brown.

21:36

Whoa. He's 25, this is him.

21:40

Looks like Leonardo DiCaprio. He definitely Leonardo DiCaprio.

21:42

What the fuck? Show the cow. Pull a picture

21:45

of Nina Agdahl right now, you idiot. Shannon, no. Shannon,

21:47

can we see the cow real quick? Wait, I

21:50

took it down. Fuck. Yo.

21:53

Shannon, can we see the cow real quick?

21:55

Yeah,

21:55

hold on, hold on, hold on. All right. Wait,

21:58

wait, wait, wait. Okay. Damn.

22:03

What a nice guy. Yeah, that was that

22:05

didn't deliver. Good for her. Nice.

22:08

So they also said the owner of the farm said

22:10

that he knows this kid and

22:12

that he at one point employed

22:15

his family to work on the farm. So he

22:17

knew him ever since he was a kid. So this guy

22:19

like knew where to go.

22:20

Rex in the races live just says Leonardo DiCaprio.

22:22

I like that. Nice. There we go. We got a chattel

22:25

snake.

22:30

Chattel snake. Can

22:32

I do one? Please. Leonardo Leonardo,

22:34

the Capra EIIL.

22:45

Damn, brick. Sorry for

22:47

Zach.

22:49

Zach's a professional. You're in the **** races live

22:51

chat doggy. Yeah. Shout out

22:54

coming out. Thank you for coming out over the weekend.

22:56

Brick should have been. Yeah. By the way, **** 1168 people in the live

23:01

chat right now. Oh **** that might be a new record.

23:03

We're **** **** **** is crushing it. **** How did he know? But so he

23:06

said

23:10

that he noticed his calf was acting funny.

23:12

How do calves act after

23:14

rape? What do they do? They're not limping for something. He's smoking

23:16

a cigarette. Crying in the corner. ****

23:20

eyeliner.

23:21

Right. Those jelly bracelets

23:23

to say everything that it did sexually. It

23:28

went trans. Shannon, what

23:33

else? Anything else on this story?

23:34

No. And in response to it just said

23:36

that he felt like somebody

23:38

was abusing the cows but wasn't sure exactly

23:41

what was happening.

23:41

Damn. That's a preference.

23:44

That's a choice that he wants to **** the little

23:46

ones. Yeah, right. That's

23:49

a **** bestie bestiality. Bestiality pedophilia,

23:51

dude. Damn, I never knew those things were

23:53

going to be intersected. That's crazy.

23:55

He's **** care. Should that be? Is that worse? Now,

23:59

do you think it's worse? It's worse if you fuck a puppy.

24:01

Is it worse than fucking? Yeah, that's way

24:03

worse than fucking worse. Yeah. If you have to

24:06

wrap the thing, you're fucking in duct tape so it doesn't

24:08

explode. Yes, it is

24:10

worse than fucking a big edible. All right. What about

24:12

fucking a duck wrapped in duct tape? For

24:16

dick in. Yeah. For

24:18

dick in. Jesus. Now,

24:21

do you think he's fucking the calf or do you think

24:23

he's just putting his dick through the bars like it's

24:25

the bottle

24:27

and they're sucking his dick?

24:28

Like they were trying to train the cow with Scott

24:31

Tenerman on South Park.

24:33

I don't know, but maybe that

24:36

sounds great. He's got to be fucking it. I don't think the

24:38

calf wouldn't have acted different

24:40

just from licking a little bit of dick. Yeah, but

24:42

if the cow gets bottle set every day,

24:45

but they collected. You would have to

24:47

I would have to first. You'd have to do you'd have

24:49

to test with your fingers. Yeah. Yeah,

24:51

right. You're not going to bite you. Yeah. Fuck.

24:53

I'm you know, I have no idea if

24:56

calves even have teeth or what it is. Yeah.

24:58

What are in there? What are what's in a? I would

25:01

imagine they have teeth because when they grow up, don't they have

25:03

to chew grass? They eat grass. They probably got

25:05

baby teeth or hard gums. Maybe.

25:07

Yeah, dude, I wouldn't. How young is the kid? I wouldn't

25:09

trust that a fucking baby cow wouldn't bite my

25:11

dick directly off my body, dude. I wouldn't

25:14

trust that a calf pussy

25:15

don't got teeth in it. How do you know that he wasn't going

25:17

to stick it in the pussy? We have no idea about any

25:19

of the vaginas of the animal kingdom. Like

25:21

some of them have teeth. Some of them have prick

25:24

prickers. I know what the other pussy is like a

25:26

maze.

25:27

We always come back to duck pussy. I come back to duck

25:29

pussy. Tastes like corn. What? Hey,

25:33

bro. Like maze. Get it. Mm hmm. Come on.

25:35

There's a minotaur in it. This

25:38

is oh,

25:38

it's like they're not born with. Like Jorge's teeth.

25:42

That looks like Jorge's mouth. Jorge, show your mouth

25:44

to the camera. This looks just like Jorge's mouth.

25:46

That's just a fucking Mexican dental plane. And

25:49

he put his dick in there.

25:51

Oh, shit, dude.

25:54

Yeah, there we go.

25:55

And by the way, in the corner, we have a countdown

25:57

timer for if Jordan doesn't get here on time. I see.

25:59

Yeah, it's at 1626 right now.

26:02

Yeah, all right 14 many things happen

26:04

if Jordan gets here on time We will

26:06

put out her special if she

26:08

doesn't we just don't answer the bit. I've

26:10

also thought of another real

26:13

s Or I'm

26:15

sorry, you'll create him golden ticket

26:17

contest that I'm gonna actually announce right now on the

26:19

show

26:20

If you guys are coming or not coming to skank fest either way

26:23

if you can get to skank fest

26:24

This is gonna be a very specific

26:26

thing, but I love this idea. This is one of the best ideas I've

26:29

ever had Okay, all you have

26:31

to do is share all

26:33

six of the gas digital half-hour 30-minute

26:36

specials All you do is share the last one comes

26:38

out on the 26th Which is a couple days maybe 25th

26:40

a couple days before skank fest kicks off, right? so

26:43

if you share

26:45

all six of them and Send

26:47

me proof to LOS golden ticket

26:49

at gmail.com

26:51

Okay all you have to do is send a screenshot of you sharing

26:53

it on Twitter or Instagram or Tick-tock

26:56

or whatever fucking platform you're on right? You

26:58

just gotta you got to share them on at least one platform

27:01

all six of them Send me screenshots of the

27:03

fact that you share it all six And

27:06

you'll be entered in a raffle There's

27:08

not I'm assuming there's gonna be that many people that are gonna do

27:10

this It can't be that many that are gonna do it, right? You

27:13

know, well if a hundred people do it

27:15

that I think that'd be a success but

27:17

if you fucking do it you'll be entered

27:19

in a raffle and the winner

27:21

is gonna get a pair of Golden tickets

27:23

for skank for that sweet y'all should be doing that right

27:25

now. Yeah, it's great So right now go share Dave's

27:28

go share Kurt's that just came out mine comes out next week

27:30

Just do it now stay ahead of it and then explain again

27:32

what the golden ticket get the golden ticket allows

27:34

you to Skip all lines you get essentially

27:37

front row access to all shows at skank

27:39

fest Which means that your feet aren't gonna hurt

27:41

you're gonna be fucking sitting chairs Which by the way, we've made a lot

27:43

of changes to skank fest this year We

27:45

opened up another massive showroom huge

27:48

showroom the largest showroom is gang fest that we've never

27:50

had before So there's a whole other

27:51

performance area. So we're spreading

27:53

out the crowds a little bit We're doing

27:55

three times the amount of chairs both in the showrooms

27:57

and throughout the venue so people could fucking relax

28:00

a little bit. So we're not even allowing people

28:02

to line up until 15 minutes before the show. 15 minutes

28:04

before the show you can line up, but

28:07

you're not gonna need to. The only reason you'd even line up

28:09

is if you wanna grab a chair in that room, in that specific

28:11

showroom. The shows are gonna be half

28:13

standing room, half seated for

28:15

some of the rooms, all seated for some of the showrooms, but

28:18

there's no more standing rooms. And

28:21

yeah, we're just doing everything to make everything a little bit more

28:23

comfortable and a little bit more spacious

28:25

and fun, so.

28:27

So. And

28:29

it was damn near perfect last year. It was incredible. Wow. It

28:32

was incredible last year, but we're always trying to make it better. Every year we're getting

28:34

a little bit better. I only have one request.

28:36

Please, what is that? And it's that, are

28:38

we doing the pre-party at the same venue? Yeah.

28:41

That upstairs green room. Yeah. Security

28:45

has to know, it's for artists and people that

28:47

are brought in only, is the amount of yahoos

28:49

that just walked in retardedly. I'm

28:51

sorry, man. He's really

28:54

fucking, he's

28:56

going a little bit. I would have preferred that. I

28:58

got beans, greens, potatoes,

29:01

lamb, ram, pork, dogs,

29:03

chicken, turkeys, you name

29:06

it. A lot of yahoos up in the green room. A

29:08

lot of yahoos. I remember when I started pointing to two girls walking

29:10

and they go, we found a secret room. What

29:13

the hell? I was like, it's very clearly a green

29:15

room. Like, how dumb are you that you don't know

29:17

what this is? Damn. And

29:19

there was just like dudes walking in and they would be

29:21

like, I'm not supposed to be here. I'm like, okay.

29:24

We'll do a better job this year. Thanks Zach for letting people know

29:26

that we have very shitty security. No, I was saying, hold

29:28

on. You gotta tell them, you gotta tell me off

29:30

air. I fucking told them. Nah, they kicked me out. They

29:33

kicked me out of the green room. Yeah, no yahoos. Zach

29:35

said

29:35

it. Yeah, you said it. I was in there talking

29:37

to Dave, and I got up and got a drink, and somebody

29:39

was like, hey, fuck out of here, bro. I was like,

29:41

all right. Why were you kicked out? You're a comic.

29:44

Nah, because I walked out and I think I was talking to like two or

29:46

somebody outside the green room and then I went to go back

29:48

in. Because I walked in with like Shane in them. And then

29:50

when I walked out, because you didn't have an artist pass. I

29:52

didn't have a pass. I didn't have shit. I

29:55

had the bitch band, like the plus one

29:57

band. Damn doggy. Yeah, and they got me out of here.

29:59

They said bye.

29:59

Well, not this year. You're coming to fucking crush it this year.

30:02

Oh, hell yeah. Let's do it. Yeah, let's go, baby. Okay,

30:04

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30:59

where were we? Um, all right,

31:02

let's see. Three

31:04

hillbillies get into a fight about a stolen ATV.

31:07

Let's go to the video, Shannon. Why not? I

31:09

love hillbilly fights.

31:11

Come on, get in here. Call

31:13

the law. Get in. Stop.

31:16

By the way, you're going to fade us out, but the guy in the white t-shirt,

31:19

the balding guy. Does it live? Um.

31:23

The balding guy. The balding guy in the yellow t-shirt

31:26

is Stone Cold Steve Austin or Hacksaw Jim Duncan.

31:28

The guy in the white t-shirt drove

31:30

up here. He claims that these

31:32

two guys stole his ATV a

31:35

while back and he just found out. So

31:37

he's coming there to get his ATV back.

31:40

Danny, get inside. Oh,

31:45

oh, shit.

31:48

Damn.

31:50

He made him take a knee. Black

31:53

lives matter, bro. Is that just a two

31:55

by four? That's what it looked like. This

31:59

was like a sequel. to Ed Edd and Eddie. Get off of

32:01

my hair! Get off of my hair! Get off! Get

32:04

off! Uh oh. I mean

32:06

he has terrible. He's got a gun. Oh he's got

32:08

a gun? That's a gun by his finger. No.

32:11

No he's got a. Yeah he had a gun.

32:13

He has a gun? He had one. He traded

32:15

it for his shovel. Oh no the guy. Oh

32:17

my god. Pause it, pause it, pause it. The black hat guy

32:19

had a gun.

32:20

Rewind it for him. Yeah, rewind

32:22

it. He had a gun and traded it for a shovel. This is wild dude. This

32:25

is like a fucking. Did he walk up to

32:27

somebody and be like come here switch. Oh Mark.

32:30

It's a hardcore match happening in this backyard. I love this

32:32

dog. Get off! Oh he

32:34

do got a gun. It's a pistol. It's a revolver

32:36

right there. Look look look look. Pause

32:38

it. I say right now look dude you gotta save me. You

32:41

gotta give white people credit. You gotta

32:43

give white people some credit dude. I

32:45

said you know what he was like I know what I'm gonna do with

32:47

this. Let's take it down to level. Yeah I like that.

32:50

You don't bring a gun to a shovel fight. I

32:52

love that. He's like

32:54

we handle him. He's bleeding

32:56

out of his head. He hit him with a 2x4 already. This

32:58

gun is genuinely overkill right now.

33:01

Take this. I need a shovel. All I need is

33:03

a shovel. I'm gonna beat him to death with

33:05

a shovel. But just so you know this is fucking.

33:08

He looked down at the gun and went this is an

33:10

extra 10 years. Too much. Too

33:12

much right now. I mean it's also a little bit fucking wild. Like

33:14

if you have a guy that's unarmed you

33:16

know. I

33:18

say two on one. Look if a guy

33:21

comes to your property and

33:23

he's trying to fucking come at you aggressively. Mm-hmm. Whether

33:26

you stole the ATV or not. Let

33:28

me say this okay. If

33:30

I stole the ATV

33:32

and I'm denying it. Right. I'm

33:35

also fighting with the same level of being

33:37

offended like I didn't. Like

33:39

you didn't do it. Like I didn't do it. I'm like who the

33:41

fuck do you how dare you accuse me. And I'll work myself

33:43

up to a way I'll psychologically. You'll usually believe

33:45

it. You'll believe it. I know I could be an ally

33:47

detector test. I know for a fact

33:50

dude like I'm a sociopath. I because I could

33:52

genuinely convince myself that they're on the wrong

33:54

for even accusing me of it. For sure.

33:57

So but if I show up to your property.

33:59

I am accusing you of

34:02

stealing something whether you did it or not you're coming

34:04

back with the energy of I did not do it You're

34:06

offended and I've entered your property now

34:08

right you get to choose

34:11

non lethal weapon

34:13

or a friend To

34:15

fight with you. Oh, I'm going friend all day. I

34:17

go friend all day But

34:20

you get to choose one you don't get to choose friend

34:23

lethal with a weapon and That's

34:26

crazy many things a lot of things a lot of variables

34:29

here

34:30

was that game What

34:33

was the game blue? No, no The

34:36

video game where you like walk through the streets you pick up different

34:38

like things and you throw the bottle at the car Oh,

34:41

yeah, Oh bar fight or whatever. No, it

34:44

was almost like a double dragon type I don't

34:46

think oh sure to rage was this street Yeah,

34:48

right. Yeah,

34:51

the two-by-four you crack somebody with it. Yeah, pull

34:53

the streets a big sack. I rolls that you and blows fire at

34:55

you They

34:59

got a black

35:00

you would throw the bottle

35:02

and yeah, we're just going a straight one. Yeah. Yes Yeah,

35:05

black it up the black hit on roller skates. Hey,

35:07

we're name was skate. Oh, yeah, dude.

35:09

Yeah, you got a pipe Hell yeah, you can eat

35:11

turkeys and shit off the ground

35:13

Yes, this is specifically the cops

35:15

drive corvettes Other saying

35:18

we're gonna walk it. No, I don't remember this. Yeah.

35:20

No, this isn't what it is No, I'm thinking

35:23

away. This was on Nintendo. This was a different thing.

35:25

Oh, yeah It was a double dragon me type

35:27

of game. Let's see people in the race. Left. Are they

35:29

saying it? They're probably screaming at the top their lungs right

35:31

squat

35:33

Final fight maybe

35:35

maybe final fight Zeebs it might be final fight

35:37

doggy. I'm almost positive. It's final fight

35:40

Let's see final fight play it on play on three.

35:42

We have seven minutes and 40 seconds for Jordan Jensen to get

35:44

here Is this final fight this kind of look like streets

35:46

of rage also this is this they're

35:49

all side-scrolling brawlers Yeah, true.

35:51

No, it wasn't even this good. This was like dude

35:54

you picked up yet brass knuckles to brass knuckle

35:56

side-scrolling fighter

35:58

Brass knuckles was a big part of it Did you do this? Brass

36:01

knuckles, okay. And then you'd also just throw the brass knuckles. Oh hell yeah,

36:03

and it did damage if it hit somebody? Nice. Oh

36:06

yeah, oh yeah it did. Nice.

36:08

Yeah, why don't we use brass knuckles more?

36:11

Let's bring nose back. Brass knuckles, I had a friend who

36:13

got his jaw broken with brass knuckles.

36:15

Same, well I had one of nose, he had a nose broken. Doggy,

36:17

I mean

36:19

brass knuckles are fucking brutal. Hell yeah, it takes

36:21

one punch, bro.

36:22

Cause people are always like, dude, you

36:24

always hear this, like cops will like shoot some fucking 15

36:27

year old black kid.

36:29

And you're like, he was just a kid. He's like, no doggy,

36:31

that's who uses brass knuckles. Oh hell yeah, what, they

36:33

the most dangerous, what, teenagers

36:35

are scary. Yeah, teenagers in the hood are

36:38

literally the most dangerous creatures on the planet.

36:40

There's not anybody more dangerous out there. They

36:42

don't realize that they're not invincible. They're

36:44

willing to. They have man bodies without the consequences.

36:47

Yes, they don't give a fuck about consequence. Doggy,

36:50

let's see, River City, people are saying. River City

36:52

Ransom. River City Ransom, let's see Shannon.

36:55

Let's see, I really wanna know. My

36:58

friend Rocky had this, my gay friend Rocky.

37:01

Trying to suck my dick in his pool. What? Was

37:04

this it?

37:05

Was there River City Ransom too? Cause I

37:07

feel like this kind of looks like it. Mm-hmm.

37:10

No, dude, can I see, can

37:12

I see Double Dragon? Maybe it's Double Dragon the whole time. It

37:15

could be Double Dragon. Like it might be Double

37:17

Dragon this whole fucking time.

37:19

It could be Double Dragon. The whole time. Double

37:21

Dragon Battle Toads.

37:23

Crossover. No,

37:25

never saw it. Excellent. Excellent.

37:28

One second. Yeah,

37:31

it might just be Double Dragon this whole time, dog. I

37:34

think it was Double Dragon. I've heard teenagers in the

37:36

hood tell jokes about killing people.

37:38

Like straight up be like, like my little brother's friends,

37:40

like straight up be like,

37:42

yeah, I'm gonna shot him till he caught on fire. And I'm like, goddamn,

37:44

bro. Damn. The fuck is that? How

37:46

many bullets is that? How many is that?

37:49

You're gonna get another coffee, thank you. And straight up brag

37:51

about murder, bro.

37:53

Oh my God, dude. Yeah, dude, none

37:55

of these fucking games are them. Oh,

37:57

Jordan's here. No way.

37:59

Oh, it's Tom. It's Tom. Oh, damn

38:02

it. Same body type.

38:06

Fuckin' Jordan, you bitch. You have five minutes and 16 seconds

38:08

to be here. Or we're not putting

38:10

out our special, guys. We're not doing

38:12

it. We're gonna just put it, we're gonna put it out on fuckin'

38:15

Rumble. Paco, if Jordan

38:17

rings the bell in five minutes from now,

38:19

pass the timer, I just want you to answer

38:22

it. Go, who is it? Go, Jordan, I just want you to go, you're

38:24

late and don't buzz her in. You can

38:26

swing chains, yes. Where can you swing

38:28

chains? Don't answer that. Oh,

38:30

you're gonna... Oh.

38:34

What

38:37

the fuck, Zach? Dash will suck.

38:39

Sorry, brother. Sorry, brother. God

38:43

damn it. So

38:47

deep. They're saying Road

38:49

Rash is where you get swing chains. Road

38:52

Rash? Road Rash. What's Road Rash? Let's

38:54

see, let's see. These are all great, guys. I

38:56

wanna all these hits.

38:58

Oh, what the fuck is this? It's a motorcycle

39:01

game, you dipshit. You fuckin' asshole.

39:03

That was dumb as hell. Who said that? What's up,

39:05

Emily, thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Emily. Hey, Emily. Who

39:08

suggested that? We have a new office manager. She's

39:11

not annoying. She's gonna

39:13

have tiny Asian titties.

39:16

She's not overbearing. She's not overbearing.

39:18

She's a little underbearing, to be honest with you. I wish you

39:21

had more personality, to be honest with you. I'm

39:23

not.

39:26

Little underwhelming. I

39:29

like it, it's a nice change of pace. Stop

39:31

acting so much like an Asian. Get some fuckin' personnel

39:34

out. We need an office manager that's just right. This

39:37

fuckin', this porridge is too cool, you know

39:39

what I'm saying?

39:41

Damn. Wanna finish this video? Oh,

39:44

shit, I thought we were watching this video, doggy. He's

39:46

bloody as fuck. I was just gonna find this. He

39:49

got him good with that first crack.

39:51

Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't,

39:53

don't, don't, get your car and

39:56

leave! I'm gonna put you in the

39:58

line. Oh, dog, fuck. Stop!

40:02

Frank out! They hitting his

40:04

hand hard and shit. You touched me one time motherfucker.

40:06

You ain't gonna do it again. Did you not leave

40:08

me straight? Everybody! Please!

40:11

Take one goddamn stand motherfucker!

40:14

Oh! Oh! Oh! Good block! I will kill

40:16

you! Frank out! Oh shit!

40:19

Frank!

40:19

He gotta go home, bro. That's too much. He needs

40:22

to get in his car and leave. Alright,

40:24

he's doing it now.

40:25

Please! I didn't touch you. You

40:27

goddamn did! I didn't touch you. Oh

40:29

boy. Please! Please! I'll do it. I hope he

40:31

drives away and crashes or drives away.

40:34

Oh shit! Stop!

40:37

Oh shit. He just hit a

40:39

truck. Get

40:41

out of the way so he don't run you over. Get in the house.

40:44

Shut up bitch. Yeah, he's been

40:46

making

40:46

everything worse. Jesus Christ. I just keep

40:48

taping and shut up. What the fuck, ladies? Shut up. Also,

40:51

Paul is saying, you see how good white people are at fucking

40:53

filming? Yeah. They

40:56

hold the camera on the subject. You

40:58

never lose fucking sight. You didn't turn it around

41:00

and yell, world stars. Yeah, it's psychotic. Can

41:02

we learn from white people? One shot. Well,

41:05

you know what? Whenever I'm recording

41:07

a fight, I get excited. So you're turning it special. I

41:09

wish somebody would have come out with a shovel in them in the head during

41:11

it. You get excited though when

41:13

you're recording a fight. You get

41:16

excited,

41:16

you're moving around, you're laughing. That's

41:18

what happened during James' Jiu-Jitsu tournament, dude. The

41:20

whole opening sequence is literally me

41:23

pointing at the floor and being like, church, blah,

41:25

blah. And then I realized, we're trying to watch

41:27

it back to see what he did good and see what he did bad.

41:30

I'm going to give you a pointer with that.

41:32

It's impossible to record your kids doing athletics. You got

41:34

to get a tripod. You got to set it

41:36

up in the corner somewhere so we just record everything. It's

41:39

impossible to record your kids because they're too fast. God

41:42

damn right. You motherfucking move, man.

41:45

God damn, dude. I need to fucking

41:47

put a fucking super lens on this shit. Hell

41:50

yeah. So, yeah, that's crazy.

41:53

They say if you break down the frames of his

41:55

kids running, that the feet never hit the floor

41:57

at the same time. All air walking. It's

42:00

like Jesus lizards. Yo,

42:05

my son dunked for the first time the other day. I'm like, what

42:07

the fuck? No way, really? Yeah, I never dunked

42:09

in my life and he dunked. Obviously, you're talking

42:11

to, no, we've never dunked. Is

42:14

that a weird thing that you haven't

42:16

dunked ever? Frank get the Oreos. I

42:20

mean, I should've dunked by now. How'd I never dunk?

42:23

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42:25

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43:28

right, where were we? One minute

43:29

until Jordan and her

43:32

special's being shelved. We're never

43:34

releasing it. Frank, you don't need

43:36

to make Jordan's cover art for her special.

43:38

Let it be known.

43:39

In 49 seconds. We're very excited.

43:46

41 seconds. What

43:48

do you think? Do we think this buzzer's gonna ring in the next 40 seconds?

43:51

Fuck no. I'm on the edge of my seat

43:54

with this. The special was great, too. I want to see it. I want everyone

43:56

to see it. If she missed this

43:58

three times, she don't give a fuck about making it.

43:59

She doesn't care. Yeah, she don't give a fuck.

44:02

She drove her clout up too high. She like, I'll

44:04

be back whenever I want to come back. But

44:07

if she does buzz it in the next 20 seconds,

44:09

she is redeemed. Yeah, completely. That

44:12

means she busted her ass to get here. What?

44:14

We have 430 left? We have a timer on the screen? We have

44:16

a timer on the screen. You sorted it late. We're

44:19

looking at a timer. You're wrong, you dickhead. Wait.

44:22

Five, four, three, two, one. Damn. I'm

44:24

gonna get it. I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna

44:27

get it. I'm gonna

44:28

get it. I'm gonna get it. Oh,

44:30

you had a perfect, you had a sound for it?

44:33

That's the fucking.

44:35

That's actually, that's what Jordan sounds like while

44:37

she snores. Yeah,

44:41

that's

44:44

what Danny Dubbs is fighting. Oh, all right.

44:46

Danny Dubbs is gonna light his ass up. You think so? Yup.

44:49

Light you up, bro. Paco's

44:51

dirty, doggy. Yeah. Paco's nasty.

44:54

Paco, Paco, Paco, let me tell

44:56

you something. My nose right now, Paco,

44:59

still hurts. Oh, he caught you or something?

45:02

Paco's my only good training partner. Nice.

45:05

Yeah, Paco's nasty.

45:08

Paco's gonna fucking, I think, I hope

45:10

Danny Dubbs is training well. Oh, he's training.

45:12

Yeah, because Paco's got some fucking, he's

45:14

good. I'm not gonna give away any of the game plan, you

45:16

know? But Paco's are fucking, you

45:19

know, representing Team Rattle's Inc. in a very, very big

45:21

way. Hell yeah. So I'm excited about

45:23

it. He comes out and he trains hard, he works hard. I heard you had one of our guys up

45:26

here. Yeah.

45:26

Were they giving up secrets? No,

45:28

they were fucking stealing our secrets. Okay, nice. Good

45:31

to know. I already told the secret though. I

45:34

said this to him. We,

45:38

here's the secret.

45:39

They're training hard. They're sweating. Yeah.

45:43

What are you gonna... There is no secret. You

45:45

could fucking videotape me training. None of

45:47

us are good enough to fucking... We're not professionals, yeah.

45:49

To know, like even if you were to fucking come in

45:51

with a spy for the entire camp, none

45:54

of us are gonna be able to go back with the data. Once we get

45:56

in there, we get stripped down to 20, 30% of what

45:58

we really... Yes, right.

46:00

Yes, you're in that moment. You're fucking like, you know,

46:03

so I'm hoping he's moving fast I'm hoping my jab

46:05

is working. Mm-hmm and everything else

46:08

I'm hoping just sort of like doesn't fall apart

46:10

before Tim Butterley's falls apart. Right?

46:12

Yep. That's what that's going Yeah, we all have the same

46:14

game plan as you know, what the fuck's up. I know it's up I'm not stupid

46:17

and we I want to talk all this shit I would love to hype

46:19

a fight and like y'all I'm gonna fucking knock

46:21

Tim Butterley's head off I'm gonna fuck it.

46:23

It's bullshit cuz I don't really

46:26

know. Yeah, right. I don't know where

46:28

he's at He doesn't know where I'm at and also

46:30

we have we have a little bit of time before this fight's even happening

46:33

So where we're gonna go who's gonna put in that time who's

46:35

gonna put in the energy who's gonna put in the effort I know that I'm working

46:37

my fucking Tim. Tim better fucking work

46:39

his ass off Oh, yeah, because I'm coming in

46:41

to fucking win this fight I just watched my son win

46:43

a gold medal in jiu-jitsu the brave

46:46

heart speech that I gave him leading up to it What

46:48

I gave him to after about setting a goal Overcoming

46:51

it or filling in his fucking gaps or

46:53

the shit that like I got inspired watch guy

46:56

ran last time I was running hills yesterday. I was like I was thinking

46:58

about my son and I was like, yo I can't go in to lose

47:00

this fight now right after what I just

47:02

taught my son the lesson that I just taught him So

47:05

I am coming at Tim butter Lee with literally

47:08

everything that I have. I will be in the best shape I

47:10

will be you are good shape by the by

47:12

the best version of myself by far So Tim

47:15

is gonna have to overcome that I think that the best

47:17

version of myself can beat

47:19

the best version to Tim But there's no way to

47:21

wow. Yeah, we don't know. There's no way to

47:23

really know

47:23

he's doing the same thing He thinks the same thing. Oh,

47:26

yeah, yeah, yeah, you

47:28

know and the shit talk is gonna get

47:30

It's gonna it's gonna

47:32

spice up the closure we get. Oh, well, don't worry

47:37

Once I go sober, I please don't make anything

47:39

I say once I stop smoking weed and I

47:41

got ultra aggressive I got a picture of Mary

47:43

Jo butterly that will Dog

47:47

it'll light the internet on fire. Okay, you

47:49

don't want to see I Mary Jo. Yeah, Mary Jo One

47:55

second. I got the same

47:57

time earth. Lou. I got something I got a

47:59

buttery

47:59

I got some pictures. What are you?

48:02

I look she's your more mouth. Look

48:04

before she was with Tim

48:05

Before she was with Tim. She's always with Tim her

48:08

old life Joe she had

48:10

a little bit of a history and maybe I'm gonna be exposing

48:12

that no leaning up to this fight who

48:14

knows Fuck people have been sending me pictures.

48:16

I'm just letting I don't like that at all. You leave

48:19

mrs. Butterly out of the All

48:25

right, let's see finish the hillbilly video, please

48:27

Shannon

48:28

like 10 seconds Parker you want to train after this

48:30

you want to come back to Jersey a little

48:33

fucking bitch

48:38

Now he's just doing donuts Wow

48:45

He got fucking leveled. He got fucked

48:47

up. Yeah, let me be honest. I think I

48:49

got fucked up It's fucking tough dude.

48:52

He is they fucking cracked him a few times

48:55

Yeah,

48:55

he had his hand. He had his hand with the two by four.

48:58

He just kept it there He didn't even move his hand. He just let him kept

49:00

hitting it. That was crazy. That was no he had terrible

49:02

defense Harville D was the board. No,

49:04

but the first shovel swing he blocked that

49:06

pretty good Yeah, but then after that I just

49:09

got fucking cracked in the head. I mean these guys get too

49:11

many places to look He did. Yeah,

49:13

true This must be a place where somebody comes out of

49:15

your property and threatens you you could fucking beat them to death

49:17

with shovels and two by fours There's

49:20

they were so brazen with that and I'm

49:22

so surprised

49:23

Mississippi. Oh, yeah, you can kill

49:25

you can you can kill some I believe in Mississippi

49:27

if somebody comes out of your property Whatever you

49:29

want to claim and you took their ATV you're allowed to murder them.

49:32

Mm-hmm We know down south they just they're just

49:34

more okay to be a murderer down there They

49:36

are they okay with killing people over respect

49:38

at the end shit like that. Yes, my neighbor lived five

49:41

miles away I wouldn't care if he was a murderer either. Yeah,

49:43

true. Yeah,

49:44

do you think about like? Such

49:47

a short fucking time ago Like

49:50

everyone was sort of okay with murder Yeah,

49:52

like just like how many people what

49:54

would that I said is there like there's their numbers like

49:58

in like the 16th

49:59

1800s like

50:01

how many people murdered I bet

50:03

you people were Did

50:05

you hear Bill shot him into death and you're

50:07

like really like yeah, but the guy slapped him with a glove

50:09

first. Oh, okay When

50:12

did they come out with guns I think it even be that would be like no

50:15

he fucking he had a sword fight

50:18

Or he fucking

50:19

Like I go back that far my dad

50:22

killed somebody in like 1940 something my

50:24

dad definitely killed people. Yeah, there's no way There's

50:26

no way my dad didn't kill people. My dad was murdered.

50:28

Oh, yeah If you get murdered you

50:30

killed somebody. Yeah, if it doesn't know that's the way the world

50:32

works You know you give when you take one. Yeah

50:35

for sure So I but I think I'd like

50:37

to think deep down inside that my dad took out more than

50:39

one

50:40

Yeah, right took more from how's

50:42

your dad killed somebody? My dad's

50:44

born in Thompson, Georgia And when he was 12 he worked

50:47

at a grocery store and people heard the story before He

50:49

worked at a grocery store and back then it and had

50:51

like plastic bags and shit So people would bring like

50:53

these long ass foot lockers to the grocery

50:56

store and put all the groceries in it so

50:57

my dad was

50:58

Packing somebody's footlocker He put it in a trunk and then these

51:01

white kids came and put him inside of somebody else's

51:03

footlocker locked it Then like shoved it

51:05

off to the side behind a dumpster innocent prank Yeah,

51:07

innocent prank and he was stuck in there for 24 hours And

51:10

then his boss found them and he

51:12

said that his first thing the boss said the next day was

51:14

like yo All right, fuck that get back to work

51:16

and my dad was like take a shower darkey The

51:23

worst episode of storage war I

51:27

always got some antique farming equipment

51:38

God damn it. How do you think it is just so

51:40

fast? He's the best. He is. That's an old street

51:42

joke. I modified it Yeah, nice.

51:44

Oh, yeah, so then

51:45

he knew where these guys played at They were like he

51:47

said he was 12 you gotta probably like 14 15. He

51:50

knew where they hung at So he said he

51:52

went up in the tree with a 22 long-nosed

51:54

rifle And

51:55

he said he shot at the kid and he hit him in

51:57

the neck

51:58

kid died. So he wanted to lynch my my dad, of

52:00

course,

52:01

and my grandmom sent him to New York and he moved

52:03

up here. Wow. Yeah.

52:06

Damn. It's crazy. So they

52:08

were gonna lynch him. They were gonna lynch him. They burned down

52:10

my grandma's house. They burned their house down, looking for my dad. Wow. In

52:13

Thompson, Georgia, bruh.

52:14

He got away with killing the white kid in the fucking

52:16

40s. That's crazy.

52:18

Did he change his name?

52:19

Yeah, so my dad's birth certificate

52:21

says that his name is John,

52:24

but

52:25

when he moved up here, he talked about his name was Joe. You know what I'm

52:27

saying? Oh. He's crazy. Super

52:30

creative. You're like, how do you do it, Zach? This guy's bloodline can't

52:32

fucking... Yeah, yo. Anything for more than one letter?

52:34

Yeah, we go one degree off, that's it. That's enough of a change, you know?

52:37

One degree off. We good. That's

52:39

wild. Nobody knows you. Mm.

52:42

Like, yeah. So, let's see. Porch pirate.

52:44

These all sound racist.

52:46

Every... the way Shannon

52:49

writes, every fucking headline

52:52

sounds racist. Porch

52:58

pirate. Shannon,

53:00

you need to fucking chill, okay? Porch

53:03

pirate steals

53:05

iPad from delivery driver's hands. Let's

53:08

see this. This is a video. This is somebody stealing.

53:13

So, it's from a news site? Well,

53:15

actually, I'm on Walt Witter. Hold on, sorry.

53:18

So, I saw this on by a guy. So,

53:20

this guy's saying he lived there. Oh,

53:22

okay. And that's the delivery person. He's following,

53:25

I believe, going, oh, that's my... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay,

53:27

okay. And she's like, okay, I'm gonna put it on the... I

53:29

call that woman bold, to be honest. She's

53:37

a bold UPS delivery

53:39

driver. Why did he just wait? They

53:44

have, like, an interview with the woman. Also after. Oh,

53:47

let's see Madison.

53:48

Hell yeah. What's up, girl?

53:50

Ooh. Damn, Madison. Her

53:53

arm's kind of... Yeah, no, she's a fat... She's

53:56

a secret fat girl. Mm-hmm.

53:57

She's a... She's a... That

54:00

girl right there, she's very pretty, but she will

54:02

be fat. That girl. Or

54:05

she was fat and she's losing weight and she doesn't know

54:07

how hot she is right now. No, she's getting older. She

54:09

had a little chunk in high school.

54:12

She went to college, put on her freshman 15, then

54:15

figured out that life is made for hot

54:17

women. So she went and she fucking did what she needed to

54:19

do. She worked out, she got in shape, she ate right.

54:21

Now she's got a job. Got a job on the news, now she's

54:24

making money. She's getting comfortable, right? The

54:26

filters are fucking things up for these gals. High

54:28

waisted pants, fucking things up for these girls. Right?

54:31

So just watch me be a

54:33

genuine pig. I

54:36

disagree with Lou on the backstory. I say

54:38

chubby little like eight year old. Mm-hmm.

54:41

Then she got an eating disorder. And

54:44

went, I'm gonna be a hot lady on the news to

54:46

show all these motherfuckers. But

54:48

that's always, you can take, the one place you can't take

54:51

fat out of a person is the brain.

54:52

You're always gonna have a fat brain. Yeah, right, right.

54:55

So it's a ticking clock till she either gets

54:57

pregnant or gets fired

55:00

for something and then it balloons.

55:03

She's not even that fat anymore because she got a fat

55:05

brain. She still like use a fucking

55:07

broom to like wipe her ass when she shoots. Every

55:10

time I'm depressed, I eat too much.

55:14

Damn, yo. But she's a very pretty

55:16

lady. She's very pretty, but once

55:18

again. If I give you any more weight, I'm gonna have to start dating

55:21

porch pirates. Yep, letting

55:23

them borrow my car all fucking day. She will be

55:25

fat. She will be fat in her life

55:28

and it needs to be pointed out. Yeah, we'll say that. And

55:30

you can tell by the arms for sure. Yeah.

55:32

Let's see, go back. Just right out front.

55:35

A Chesterfield porch pirate caught

55:37

on Jessica's sign. It sounds so

55:40

racist. No, he smokes Chesterfield.

55:43

Jesus Christ. A Chesterfield

55:45

porch pirate who wrote this. My fucking grandpa,

55:47

Jesus Christ. It sounds like a team in the

55:49

Negro leagues. Chesterfield porch

55:52

pirates.

55:54

Jackie Robinson with 53 runs today. Damn. They

56:00

don't even care that there is a camera there or

56:03

I don't know what but they're going through

56:05

their mind Yeah, black people give a fuck about cameras

56:07

lady Snatching

56:09

the house the suspect claiming he lived

56:12

there That's worse when he's snatching the package a

56:14

sixteen hundred dollar iPad right hand

56:16

the suspect running back

56:17

to get into his fucking car The

56:20

delivery driver running back to get her phone

56:23

suspects car revving up and you forgot my phone

56:26

I was in a meeting and then they

56:28

she worked for talking He started knocking on my

56:30

door. Oh, that's the the chick who was Yes

56:43

Stolen it was her husband's iPad, but

56:45

sign says he was more concerned about her

56:47

safety He's like the fact that you were there.

56:50

I mean you could have just sign it

56:52

and he could have just like, you know

56:54

I'll sell it you know

56:56

Niggas know niggas that do shit

56:58

like that. They don't do it. Yeah, they don't do

57:00

a salt They're not assaulting you. So look no they

57:02

will if you if you were to fucking jump

57:05

on him. Oh, yeah You're trying to get the fuck out of

57:07

there. Yeah. Yeah, your best bet is to

57:09

do what you did. Yeah Yeah, let me add shit. Nobody

57:11

cares and it's Apple The

57:15

UPS isn't paying for it. Nobody's not

57:18

paying for it. I'm not paying for it. He's done. Yeah,

57:20

he's an idiot He's like he can't

57:22

even use it. He can't turn it on

57:24

He's likely getting caught cuz he's gonna do

57:27

what a fucking moron He was hanging out outside of

57:29

that house cuz it smelled like Takis Whenever

57:38

whenever I'm in the hood I see little niggas eating talking about

57:40

this nigga bad watch out for

57:42

him. He got the Takis

57:44

That's crazy. Well, well, well, look who

57:46

fucking shows up. Look at me saying Zack pop

57:48

over here. Mm-hmm

57:51

Damn, it's fucking brutal She

57:55

went to the bathroom too. She's not even fucking coming

57:57

right in huh? fucking

58:00

bitch has to go change her tampon. What

58:03

a life.

58:04

Nice. What a fucking life.

58:06

This lady's a star. She doesn't give a fuck.

58:09

It's okay. That's the only way to be a star. She doesn't

58:11

give a fuck. It's all right. Come back, I like Zac Bean

58:13

over here.

58:14

I know you like being across from me sometimes, Zac. You better

58:16

not like being next to me. So I look at you on

58:18

the screen.

58:19

Yeah, I like this. Now I like you over here. Cause

58:21

now all that funny shit you said earlier,

58:24

I'm gonna feel like an attack. It's an easy case, it's a story. Yeah, now she's

58:26

like, damn, bro. We're on the same team. We're on

58:28

the same team. We were self-deprecating

58:31

his racism. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah. And

58:33

now that makes sense. We were brothers before and now it's like, hold the

58:36

fuck up. I dig it.

58:38

All right, let's say I want to get Jordan in here before we start this

58:40

next story. Cause we don't have that much time left. I'm

58:44

gonna slide over and see if you can see this. Please,

58:46

please. All right guys, thank you so much for

58:48

watching the Real Ass Podcast. We

58:50

will be back on Friday with another incredible

58:52

episode. Thank you. Good night.

58:56

Hi. Hey. Wow,

59:00

Jordan, this is the third time you've done this. It's the

59:02

third time. The third time. I woke up

59:05

and I was like, no way. I

59:07

didn't hear the alarm. Talk to me with your microphone, you. Oh,

59:10

am I on? Hello, Key. Yes. Yep,

59:12

we're on. You just said thanks, goodbye. No,

59:14

we're doing a bit. I was doing a bit. Oh, you're doing

59:16

a bit, okay. Oh, you really thought it was over. Well, I thought maybe you'd restart it.

59:19

I mean, or you'd start a new one. Why don't they roll?

59:21

And then I saw the phone across

59:24

the room and I had chucked it. A classic

59:26

one. Why'd you chuck it? Because

59:28

I hear it in my sleep and I go, no. Oh,

59:31

so you don't,

59:32

that's crazy. I feel like chucking the phone makes it, when

59:35

it goes off again, I can't get to it.

59:37

Oh, no, it makes it a distant

59:39

memory. So you hear it off there.

59:41

And it becomes a part of some dream in your head. It's

59:44

very

59:44

bad. I miss like a lot of flights,

59:46

like a lot. It's healthier though. It's unhealthy

59:48

to sleep near your phone.

59:50

Agreed. Yeah, you get like

59:52

low levels of radiation and shit sleeping with that shit

59:54

under your pillow. And also like scrolling

59:56

in the night. I stop like, I would sometimes just

59:59

wake up in the middle of the night.

59:59

and like just scroll. And

1:00:02

that's bad, they say the blue light or whatever. Yeah,

1:00:04

it wakes you all the way up. Yep, it wakes you all the way back

1:00:06

up. Yeah. So, no, yeah, exactly.

1:00:09

It gets your mind activated. I would do my wordles in the

1:00:11

night. I would wake up and I would play a mind game

1:00:13

on a break. What the fuck? And

1:00:15

I would figure out my wordle and completely

1:00:17

activate my brain and body and then

1:00:20

have to get back to sleep. They try to go back to sleep. Crazy. Yeah.

1:00:22

Just fucking crazy. I'll hit the vape in the middle of the

1:00:25

night. That's what I do. So I take a full

1:00:27

fledged dab.

1:00:28

I get up in the night and I take a dab

1:00:31

and I go back to... I'll wake up about

1:00:33

five in the morning every day

1:00:34

and I take a big massive dab hit and

1:00:36

then I go back to sleep for like two, three

1:00:38

hours. You ever take a snack, snack

1:00:41

time in the middle of the night? Yeah, I've done that. That's

1:00:43

crazy. Yeah, you go to sleep kind of hungry,

1:00:45

but then you're like, I'll be fine. I wake up and eat breakfast. But then you

1:00:47

just, you're like, I can't, I can't. I can't

1:00:49

do it. You wake up, it's 4 a.m. Yeah.

1:00:52

You're eating peanut butter. I don't because I have

1:00:55

issues with my teeth

1:00:58

and I'm trying to be perfect. I'm

1:01:01

trying to be like fucking like perfect.

1:01:03

I'm doing different things. I think I was going too hard.

1:01:05

I was brushing too much, flossing too much, water

1:01:08

picking too much. Let's see.

1:01:10

They look amazing. You have great teeth. No,

1:01:12

no, no, they look good. They don't feel good.

1:01:14

I have to get two root canals. I'm very

1:01:16

sensitive. I have a lot of issues with my gums. So

1:01:19

yeah, whereas my smile looks good and they look

1:01:21

fairly wide, too much coffee, I'm

1:01:23

just having issues. And I think and I started getting

1:01:25

way more issues. I went to the dentist, new dentist,

1:01:28

when I moved to the suburbs. That's the only time I started regularly

1:01:31

going to the dentist. Before that, it was like

1:01:33

once every 10 years you go in and

1:01:36

then you open your mouth and you just

1:01:38

see the look on their face and you're like, I know. Fucking

1:01:41

brutal. But now I go regularly

1:01:44

and now I have to go multiple times per year

1:01:46

for like deep cleanings, right? Because I didn't go,

1:01:48

I went so in often. But

1:01:51

once I started going regularly, they had me buy a water

1:01:53

pick. They had me, they were like, you got a floss. You got a

1:01:55

water pick twice a day. You

1:01:57

have to get this electric, $300 electric toothbrush that can get everywhere.

1:01:59

And it buzzes every 30 seconds

1:02:02

when you're done with a quadrant and it lets you know the right

1:02:04

pressure with a light and fucking like And

1:02:06

I started doing all this twice a day and my

1:02:08

teeth started feeling like shit. They started being more

1:02:10

sensitive They started hurting more. Oh wait when

1:02:13

you get your deep gum cleansing, do you still like smoking

1:02:15

drink? It's both the stuff I smoke weed you supposed

1:02:17

to stop but that makes it worse

1:02:19

I don't think we did they say they don't have any issues.

1:02:21

It's not the weed It's the smoke that's bad

1:02:23

for you Like when you when they go deep in your gums

1:02:26

like that your gums are like soft and sensitive He's gonna

1:02:28

buy debt this off as there's plainly fucking reggae

1:02:30

music Listen

1:02:37

to that guy. Yeah, that does

1:02:39

make

1:02:39

sense you stab a wound and then just blow Good

1:02:43

I made it I asked cuz I made that mistake before then

1:02:45

I went back to the dentist He was like what the fuck I

1:02:47

got a Russian dentist. So he's very mean he was

1:02:49

like he's in a hurry

1:02:51

My

1:02:54

dentist was fucking my mom for many years So

1:02:57

I know woman two women sticking her hands

1:02:59

in my mouth after sticking them in my mother But

1:03:03

now I don't go to the dentist maybe because of that trauma,

1:03:05

but also I have this beef

1:03:07

I have rage You know I've rage you have the rage. Yeah,

1:03:10

I go in and I'm like, hey There's a black hole

1:03:12

there that hurts a lot and they go like this Just

1:03:14

brush a bunch and it won't become a cavity

1:03:16

and I'm like, hey just spackle the

1:03:19

whole shot

1:03:19

How much

1:03:21

it took me to get come in here it took ten years

1:03:23

for me to get here do the shit I see

1:03:25

it and like no if you brush it'll go away. I guess your

1:03:27

enamel builds back up. I don't care

1:03:29

I have no idea. I hate it all the

1:03:31

whole experience fucking sucks It makes me

1:03:34

it makes me more nervous than anything going to the dentist and

1:03:36

I never had a cavity before It's like the one it makes

1:03:38

me nervous as well I I hate dentists

1:03:41

more than I hate Nazis

1:03:42

and I really mean that yeah I really

1:03:45

mean it like I thought I think I

1:03:47

could find common ground with a Nazi Whereas

1:03:49

a dentist just hurts me.

1:03:51

I want to see I

1:03:53

want to see the before and after of the veneers

1:03:57

Do you have you guys seen the veneers that every comedian is getting?

1:03:59

Yeah I got them don't they have to

1:04:01

shave your teeth. They do like

1:04:03

little triangles. Oh, I want to see that

1:04:05

Oh, like when they take them off you want to look like underneath.

1:04:08

Yeah, boss Adam Good, but the old picture of awesome.

1:04:10

He's on stage and got like a rat mouth There's also

1:04:12

a picture of us with the spikes like

1:04:14

they shaved there's a really So

1:04:17

those teachers right underneath the veneers because you

1:04:19

can't really get to them How do you brush them?

1:04:20

No, I think they're like pylons like cement

1:04:22

pylons holding up a deck Like

1:04:24

I think they stay there to

1:04:27

keep the new teeth Old

1:04:29

man, I watched an old vos set

1:04:31

over the weekend look like the ponytail

1:04:35

He looks just like Bret Hart. He got to go back to that

1:04:37

look that's better. You'd all So funny,

1:04:39

that's the man right there. What the

1:04:42

best lot of sisters checking me out Remember

1:04:45

once you go white you go right back to black.

1:04:47

He had a Jerry He looks like he looks like Bret Hart

1:04:50

the best there was the best there was the

1:04:52

best there was I'm

1:04:59

a black guy. She said once you're black. You don't go

1:05:01

back. I said that's cuz you're not allowed in the house

1:05:08

Look incredibly skinny they

1:05:10

look like something you'd hide behind in a video game Brutal

1:05:16

oh, yeah, damn didn't big J

1:05:18

have like really nice teeth and then he just no they

1:05:20

weren't nice No, well, I

1:05:23

saw them before and after and I didn't notice a thing.

1:05:25

No, there was yeah, there was a difference They say big big

1:05:27

teeth is a sign of sociopath. You

1:05:29

have big teeth me too. Yeah, so I

1:05:33

think if I heard if you could see the white

1:05:35

at the bottom of your eyes, it means you're sociopath,

1:05:38

dude But have you ever tried to find somebody who looks

1:05:40

like that you meet them and you're like, oh there it is. Yeah,

1:05:42

it's true It's definitely true. Yeah, it's

1:05:44

definitely true. I've seen two people with that. You can see the white

1:05:47

all around their fucking thing I think there must be

1:05:49

a correlation between Dark

1:05:51

hair and light eyes I've talked about this a lot but

1:05:54

a girl that has light eyes with

1:05:56

dark hair naturally We all feel

1:05:58

this way

1:05:59

Really? They were coming in our pants? No,

1:06:02

no, no, no, no, no. That's

1:06:04

a dangerous psychopath. Yeah.

1:06:07

Oh, well, the likelihood that she's wearing

1:06:09

things- I'm going to write down a name. This

1:06:11

is how much afraid of this

1:06:14

person I am. I'm so excited. That I'm

1:06:16

going to write down a name, and I don't even

1:06:18

want to utter the name. It's like the name Voldemort

1:06:20

to me. Oh, shoot. And I've never met a girl with

1:06:22

this name that wasn't actually a little crazy. Oh,

1:06:24

I feel the same way about the name Chloe.

1:06:28

No, something- Chloe's

1:06:31

like a hot girl who's a little scary. I

1:06:33

don't think I've ever met a Chloe. Have I ever met a Chloe that's not

1:06:35

crazy? I've met a couple of Chloe's and they're all pretty

1:06:37

crazy. And hot.

1:06:38

They're okay. I'd say, you know, for

1:06:40

comedians. Well, that's because this is a trashy

1:06:43

way of spelling this. Well, that- any way

1:06:45

you spell it. Oh, really? Put a face down. No.

1:06:50

I don't need to invite this girl back into my life.

1:06:52

What if the letter- the first letter is a different

1:06:54

letter? Doesn't matter. So any- any-

1:06:57

I've met like four or five of the girls with this

1:06:59

name. Yeah. And they're all

1:07:01

fucking bonkers and they all have

1:07:04

dark hair, light eyes.

1:07:05

I've never met one of those. Never

1:07:08

met one of those in my life. Really? My

1:07:11

feature, Jake Velasquez, dark hair,

1:07:13

light eyes. Very

1:07:15

sparkly boy. He looks like a wolf. He gets so much

1:07:17

pussy. I don't know with the guy. I don't know if this is the issue.

1:07:19

I'm talking about with chicks. Black guy with light

1:07:22

eyes. What do we do? Oh, yeah. Black guy with light eyes. He

1:07:24

gets too much pussy. That's not even right.

1:07:26

I hate them niggas, bro. I don't even want to see one of them. Keep

1:07:28

them away. Yeah, I feel the same. They lower my level

1:07:31

down by like fucking 60%. You

1:07:33

know what I'm saying? I can't be around them. The only

1:07:35

positive thing about dating or

1:07:37

fucking your crazy chick, because you're really

1:07:39

playing in traffic, right? You're dealing with a girl that's going to

1:07:41

likely accuse you of raping her or hurting her, especially

1:07:43

if you have a comic, if you're a comic,

1:07:45

you have something to lose. And those girls used to make

1:07:47

my dick hard. But people feel like, dude,

1:07:50

don't fuck that girl. She like accuses comics of rape

1:07:52

and that's just like, say it, Claire. I'm like, okay,

1:07:54

my dick just starts like divine rotting me. I'm

1:07:57

like, okay, this is like fucking perfect.

1:07:59

of the only

1:08:02

saving grace is that those girls

1:08:04

very often kill themselves. And once that

1:08:07

happens, you're like, okay.

1:08:09

I'm free. You're in the clear. Wow. A

1:08:12

day old.

1:08:12

Do they kill themselves or do they? It happens very

1:08:14

often. Really? I remember one time I had a girl that

1:08:16

I was fucking, she was threatening to kill herself, and I was

1:08:18

like, please fucking do it.

1:08:20

It would clear so much of this

1:08:22

up. And then we talked

1:08:24

about this, it was on a skankster on this show where

1:08:27

if they go through their phone. Oh

1:08:30

yeah, she said she was gonna jump off a bridge and you're

1:08:32

like, how do I get her phone? How do I get her phone? Because I was like, I

1:08:34

need to just fucking get rid of this shit right now

1:08:36

because she's gonna ruin my fucking life. If

1:08:38

they post like, you know, this girl's scorn. Wait, is he

1:08:40

actually said it? You actually say. Do it. No,

1:08:43

I didn't say do yourself something. I was like, no.

1:08:46

No.

1:08:48

Yeah. The O's

1:08:50

were capital lower. They're capital lower. Now

1:08:52

you know what I do? Like I got my receipt on all

1:08:54

my text messages, so I'll just look at it and

1:08:56

then don't respond. But they just said it's red. You

1:08:58

see what I'm saying? What is it? I

1:09:00

would've just given it a free receipt on. Right, so

1:09:02

it says I'm gonna kill myself and you're on my red. And

1:09:04

I just look at it, I'm like, just

1:09:06

go with my date, bro. I was talking to my buddy

1:09:08

who like came inside of a woman the other

1:09:10

day and he felt so, he was like, oh my God, I don't

1:09:12

know what to do. I think she's upset, da da da da da. And

1:09:14

I talked him through it and I was like, I think she's okay, she's gonna

1:09:16

take the plane.

1:09:17

No, he went da da da da, he punched her in the stomach. Yeah,

1:09:19

he went da da da da. And then at the end of the conversation,

1:09:21

he was like, oh, thank God, I'm glad she's okay.

1:09:23

Anyway, I hope she kills herself. And it's like, yeah,

1:09:26

that feeling is real. We were like, if

1:09:28

everything isn't perfectly smooth, I hope you die, I

1:09:30

hope you immediately die. I hope you literally die. It was

1:09:32

one of my favorite old Patrice

1:09:34

jokes. It's not even about a crazy chick, just talking about

1:09:36

like a woman that you love. And

1:09:38

he was like, I just wish she'd

1:09:40

go outside and get hit by her bus. Because

1:09:43

I would rather deal with that than have to

1:09:45

deal with hurting her feelings. Yeah. Yeah.

1:09:48

And that's such a real, like, thought. It would

1:09:51

just make my life easier if she just fucking died.

1:09:53

Yeah, because it sucks to break up with him. Oh

1:09:55

my God, breaking up fucking sucks. Yeah, I don't do

1:09:57

it. I just do a bunch of inconsideracy.

1:09:59

And then they have them break

1:10:02

up with you. Yeah, like I'll go. I'll be at school. As

1:10:04

somebody who gets broken up with, this is worse. It's worse to

1:10:06

get dumped. It's worse to get dumped, right?

1:10:08

What, you think so? Yeah. Because breaking

1:10:10

up with somebody, there's the challenge of you're like, I don't know

1:10:12

if I made the right move, but getting broken up with

1:10:14

is insane. Cause it's somebody being like, I spent all

1:10:16

this time with you. And I learned in

1:10:19

that time that it's better

1:10:20

just without you there. Yeah, true. But

1:10:23

what if you don't like him anymore? You're like,

1:10:25

I don't care if he dumps me. You wouldn't care, right? If

1:10:27

you didn't like the guy?

1:10:28

No, if they dump me, then I like them again. Damn,

1:10:31

oh, you're fucked. Yeah, I'm fucked. As

1:10:33

soon as the guy's like, I can be like, I despise this

1:10:35

person and I'm about to break up with them. And the second they're like, I

1:10:37

agree. I'm like, let's get married. Oh,

1:10:40

yo, what? I don't think I've been broken

1:10:42

up with, I don't

1:10:44

know when's the last time I was in a camp. I've exclusively been broken

1:10:47

up with. I mean, I've ended things with guys, but

1:10:49

like long-term relationships, they're like, all right, you're,

1:10:51

I start to turn though. I guess my son's mother

1:10:54

was the last person to technically break up. I mean, like,

1:10:56

you know, it's gotten so talky. It's

1:10:59

toxic that we're like literally fucking

1:11:01

throwing shit out the windows. It's like, I don't really

1:11:03

know who breaks up with somebody, you know what I'm

1:11:05

saying? Where it's like that crazy, like, so

1:11:07

there's been a few relationships where I don't know who broke

1:11:10

up with who, but in recent memory,

1:11:12

like, yeah, it's always me. And it's not even a knock on the girls.

1:11:15

I end up, there's a moment, usually

1:11:17

around the six month mark, where

1:11:19

I just go like, oh shit, like whatever

1:11:21

little red flags that I saw in the beginning of the relationship

1:11:24

have now grown into fucking like tent poles

1:11:27

and fucking like, and I'm like, oh, this

1:11:29

is glaring that this isn't going to be forever.

1:11:31

It's

1:11:31

an unfixable situation. It's not even that, it's that

1:11:33

toxic. Most of the girls that I dated in recent memory,

1:11:36

it never got like really shitty. It never got

1:11:38

like when we were like arguing or fighting or cheating

1:11:40

on each other. It was literally, I

1:11:42

just was like, this isn't gonna last forever. No,

1:11:45

comedians can't do self-deception

1:11:47

for very long. They can't, if you're like,

1:11:49

it's fine, we'll date until we don't

1:11:52

and that's why, we can't do that. It's like having a

1:11:54

big

1:11:54

red button on the table that's like, don't push. We're like,

1:11:56

I'm gonna push it. And it was, it's always

1:11:58

around six months.

1:11:59

The girl that I'm dating now, we've been

1:12:02

seeing each other for, in August

1:12:04

officially, it's a year. And

1:12:06

I just haven't wanted to push that button. Yeah.

1:12:08

I broke up with my ex-girlfriend because she was complaining about open

1:12:10

mics.

1:12:11

She was complaining about me going to open mics when I first started

1:12:13

comedy. Yeah. And I fucking

1:12:15

dumped her. Yeah. She was so hot. She

1:12:18

was so hot. But I'm like, I like going to open mics. Yeah.

1:12:21

You got to do it. I like doing this. Yeah,

1:12:23

I like doing this. And she was like, why do you got to do it? What

1:12:26

are you doing? Yeah, I'm

1:12:28

like me. Yeah, you see those

1:12:30

those little things and that's I mean, ultimately,

1:12:33

you know, I that

1:12:35

I'm hoping that that just

1:12:37

doesn't happen with this chick. I'm hoping that like,

1:12:39

you know, because I but like honestly, there's just

1:12:41

been nothing

1:12:43

I'd love to. There's really no like

1:12:45

nothing wrong. Right. Nothing wrong

1:12:47

with her. Yeah, that's right. There's nothing wrong

1:12:49

with you. Do something wrong. That's great. She's

1:12:52

just no like we get into it. We have different ways of communicating,

1:12:54

but we always figure out a

1:12:57

way and we always come to compromise and it's

1:12:59

never dramatic. It's never like big fucked

1:13:01

up crazy fight.

1:13:02

But you also were an insane person

1:13:04

until fairly recently. Yes. Yeah,

1:13:07

I change. I've changed in a massive way. Okay. Yes,

1:13:09

I was way crazier to deal with. So now you're easier to deal with

1:13:12

and she probably was already just the same lady.

1:13:14

If me five years ago, she wouldn't have put up with my shit.

1:13:17

Yeah, you were knocking over bodega cats.

1:13:19

Well, that was six months ago. That

1:13:22

was a few weeks. That's the thing that gets me

1:13:24

is if people OK, I was on a date with somebody

1:13:27

great guy really liked him. But then the server came

1:13:29

over and put the

1:13:31

the check, whatever that is. You know what

1:13:33

I mean? The little yeah. Yeah. On

1:13:35

our table. And I was like, oh, is this

1:13:38

our check? And she was like, no, it's for another

1:13:40

table, but there's more room here. And I was like, but

1:13:42

we're sitting. Yeah, what the fuck? I was like, what

1:13:44

are you doing? And the guy with me was like, stop, stop. And

1:13:46

I was like, oh,

1:13:49

I'm going to always be a cunt to people

1:13:51

who deserve it. My girl hates when

1:13:53

I'm a fucking cunt to people in public.

1:13:57

She hates it. And it makes me better.

1:13:59

So what it does.

1:13:59

that makes me pick and choose my shots. Because

1:14:02

now when I'm a cunt, I'm like, no babe,

1:14:04

I'm being a cunt. This person deserves

1:14:06

it. And then she'll just walk away, she's like, fine, do what you gotta

1:14:08

do. She's kind of attracted to it though. She

1:14:11

wouldn't like me, if she didn't, she wouldn't be

1:14:13

with me if she didn't wanna be with a little bit of a crazy fucking

1:14:16

lunatic and fucking, you know, a little bit of a lunatic. And a lot of

1:14:18

people are pussies and they just let shit go on. So

1:14:21

I think a lot of women like that. They like saying like, oh, he's gonna

1:14:23

stand up for some shit. They like that shit, bruh.

1:14:25

They love it. They love it. My ex-wife,

1:14:28

we used to get in

1:14:29

these like crazy ass arguments

1:14:31

to actually one time I did a fake suicide.

1:14:33

That's how crazy the argument got. Whoa, you're a borderline

1:14:36

girl. Your name is this. That's me, yeah,

1:14:38

that is me. I fucking, I shot, I ran

1:14:40

the bedroom and grabbed my pistol, I locked the door and

1:14:42

I shot that bitch in the air and that just fell off. Oh,

1:14:44

that's different. That's actually just a smart idea. Oh

1:14:46

yeah, we've. That's a possibility. We've all

1:14:48

faked suicide in that regard. Yeah. You

1:14:50

know what, I didn't have the gun, but I've all been like, it's over.

1:14:53

I'll see you in the next life.

1:14:56

I mean, you don't answer text messages for 10 minutes. Yeah.

1:14:58

I maybe have done that 13 years old

1:15:01

when I had like Hello Kitty Glovies

1:15:03

on. I mean, sometimes you losing the

1:15:05

argument too bad. You like, I gotta make her feel bad. No, I've

1:15:08

done this. I'm gonna ride my motorcycle home and

1:15:10

then not responded to text. Okay, right.

1:15:12

That's scary. That's a fake suicide. All

1:15:14

right, we gotta run. This has been the shit. You guys are

1:15:16

the best. Naim, you're the best. Jordan, fuck you. I

1:15:19

know, I'm so sorry. Jordan special coming out in just a few weeks. September

1:15:21

19th, right? September 19th, very, very excited

1:15:23

about it. Once again, if you guys share, anybody who shares

1:15:25

all six specials is entered in, entered

1:15:28

in a raffle for Skankfest Golden

1:15:30

Tickets Passes. You'll create and present

1:15:32

Skankfest, the You'll Create and Golden Tickets, which enables you

1:15:34

to skip the lines. The best ticket you can get at Skankfest. So

1:15:37

make sure you send a screenshot to losgoldenticketatgmail.com

1:15:40

and we'll check you guys next time. Peace.

1:15:42

Ooh. That's

1:15:48

all folks. Ooh.