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Hey my fine friends, welcome to

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you know, there's a rehalestopper tour the

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tickets to that in January February March

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rehalestopper, but I am also Going

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to go on tour Excuse

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me Phoebe

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is not gonna be there With

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my can I have my ball back

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tour is my first stand-up show in

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six years If you go to rich

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Terry comm slash gigs or rich herring

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can see all the dates and all the links and

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from Friday at 10 a.m You can book tickets to

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do come along I'm

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going to some godforsaken places like

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Basingstoke and Barnard Castle

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I'm not gonna do the joke and Scarborough

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it's gonna be a long Cold

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at uh1.com. Hi there,

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it's me, Richard Herring. Happy Christmas

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everyone. Look,

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if you're a member of ACAS Plus, you

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get loads of bonus stuff. If you Google

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I feel like there's loads of other stuff as well that you

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a significant amount of stuff. There's all different

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you. So if you feel like you want

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of ACAS Plus or a badger at gofastastripe.com/badges

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where you get slightly different stuff is

3:08

a great way to help us. But just by listening

3:10

to podcasts and telling your friends about the podcast, you

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are helping us. But

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one of the things we do every month is

3:17

give out a free podcast in which Ali, my

3:19

ventriloquist dummy, asks me emergency questions. So we're working

3:21

our way through. There are several of the, there

3:23

must be 15 or 16 of these already or

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maybe 18 of these already because I've done them

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every month since we signed our new

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deal with ACAS. So

3:31

there's loads of extra content just there. And

3:34

because it's Christmas and because at Christmas you

3:36

have to say what's in your heart,

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I've decided to give this one out free

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to everyone. It happens occasionally anyway by

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accident. Either ACAS make a mistake or Chris Evans or

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that one makes a mistake. He's very good. Happy Christmas

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to you, Chris. So we're going to give this one

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out to all of you. It's Christmas Day. I

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hope everyone who's with ACAS Plus will be

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The poor people who can't afford to watch

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that's what we're holostep our H LSTP

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Google it or Lous jeeves

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or ever you do and join in if you want

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to But equally you don't

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have a great Christmas everyone. Thanks for all your

4:34

support this year Do come and see us on

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tour in 2024 both with brother's man.

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Can I have my ball back? Richard

4:41

Harry comm has all the info that you could ever

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need And then

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there are plenty more podcasts become believe

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you me. I've done them already Even

4:50

if I die, you'll still be hearing from me

4:52

for a good while yet Hello

4:56

everybody, it's me Richard and me

4:58

at least with with your Christmas

5:01

bonus episode Thank you to everyone

5:03

who's subscribed with a cast plus

5:07

And if you haven't subscribed they got plus in the game

5:09

this for free due to an accident Or maybe we'll give

5:11

it out for Christmas to everyone. What about that? That'd be

5:13

a nice idea But it yeah, but I

5:15

have the things that you paid. I mean I've only

5:18

get anyone really feels that they've They

5:20

paid for this but maybe they have We

5:24

are going to the Christmas emergency questions book

5:26

because it's Christmas is We

5:31

did up to question 27 last year and we're

5:33

gonna do 27 questions this year We

5:38

could do we'll see and what is question

5:40

28 in Christmas mostly questions. There's a perfect

5:42

Christmas gift by the way We're

5:44

on it's all gone weird on the

5:46

camera Go on there Allie

5:50

and herring settings You

5:53

can give this give this to all your friends and family

5:55

buy everyone a copy Go go faster

5:57

stroke calm if you would like to buy one of

5:59

these or see me at a gig I've

6:01

got thousands of the fucking things. Richard I've

6:03

got a question for you. How do you

6:05

think an angel becomes a herald angel and

6:07

do the other non herald angels secretly resentment

6:09

for being herald? Well I don't know

6:12

I've never really thought about it you must have thought

6:14

about it you wrote the question I wrote the question

6:16

but then I immediately didn't think about it and I

6:18

forgot about writing the question. It

6:20

does seem weird that there's different levels of

6:23

being an angel you know I think if

6:25

you go back if you read God a

6:27

biography by Francesca

6:30

Stavrakapulu then

6:33

it goes through to all his different body parts

6:35

but you get an idea of the kind of

6:37

beginnings of of that particular religion

6:39

that there was the god had lots of

6:41

brothers and a dad I think and

6:43

all sorts of stuff going on so

6:45

that there was like a whole heaven worth

6:48

of of creatures and then as things progressed

6:50

I think some of those brothers

6:53

and family members became angels

6:56

and you should really talk to Francesca Stavrakapulu

6:58

about it. I will talk to her about it should I

7:00

get in touch with the street a little bit to talk

7:02

about that. So

7:04

I guess the herald angels are just

7:06

really good angels that we're harking to

7:08

aren't they? You have to they sing

7:11

hark the herald angels sing glory

7:13

to the newborn king that's what they're

7:15

singing there so they've probably just got

7:18

good singing voices it's like if you're

7:20

at school and there's a choir

7:22

you know go Richard you're a good singer you go

7:24

in there you go to the desk camps there you're a

7:26

desk camp well that was a baritone in the end that

7:28

was quite a good thing I got grade five singing sang

7:31

quite a lot of solos what kind of solos do you

7:33

think? You

7:47

know are you making up the words? I am

7:49

making up the words a little bit as I

7:51

went on there and it was I started probably

7:53

an alto there rather than baritone as you noticed

7:55

it went a bit wrong it's been a while

7:58

I sang that in St Andrew's Church cheddar

8:01

I was dressed up as a soldier I think I

8:03

must have been a German it was the

8:05

truth the truth of 1914 anyway that's why

8:07

Herald Angels are called Herald Angels and

8:10

yes the other angels do resent them for being Herald but you

8:12

know I think you know

8:14

you as an angel you think well I've got eternity to

8:16

try and build my way up to being a Herald Angel

8:19

probably won't get the big gig of pronouncing

8:21

Jesus as a return but he's probably come

8:23

back one more time so if you could

8:26

if you can work it up quick enough

8:28

you could get be then and then when

8:30

he's born you go glory to the newborn

8:32

King don't you think angels would come up

8:34

with better tunes than we would I think

8:36

they would but you know we can only

8:38

write songs based on that so what they

8:40

would think probably wouldn't be as pedestrian a

8:42

tune but it would also

8:44

be something we could imagine would be so beautiful that

8:46

when we heard it we would go wow that's why

8:49

that guy's a Herald Angel and I'm not okay

8:52

Richard do you ever think that King

8:54

Herod might have been onto something well

8:57

I'm a father of two children and

8:59

I would hate to think leave

9:02

them being slaughtered by an insane

9:04

King he you know only has to find the guy

9:06

in the main view he doesn't have to go around

9:08

killing the firstborn he was killing like four year olds

9:10

it was you know there was that was stupid it

9:13

was debate with a baby also he should

9:15

have known that never works so that you

9:17

can't trick God he's cleverer than you he's

9:20

not gonna think oh well done you know

9:22

I've got some presence I'll come along with

9:25

you I don't think you know it's

9:28

not mentioned the only the other sources but that

9:30

King Herod killed all these

9:32

babies I think if someone had killed all those

9:35

babies it would have been in more than just

9:37

the Bible it would have been in the history

9:39

books going King Herod went nuts killed a load

9:41

of babies trying to find Jesus Jesus wasn't was

9:43

managed to be a little bit more focused on

9:45

the other sources and killed

9:48

a load of babies trying to find Jesus Jesus

9:50

wasn't was managed to run away even though he

9:52

was a baby he was

9:55

a God so you know he had an advantage so

9:57

if you're implying you know the idea killing

10:00

children is a good way to get

10:02

rid of a nuisance in society then I cannot

10:04

agree with you on that I think children I

10:07

believe the children are our future teach

10:10

them well and let them lead the

10:12

way is this one of your

10:14

sellers is up no this is just

10:16

me see show them all the beauty

10:18

they possess inside give them

10:21

a sense of pride how do

10:23

you know what's this to make it

10:25

easier let the children's

10:28

life remind us

10:30

of how we used to that

10:32

wasn't right it wasn't always to

10:35

be everybody searching for a reason

10:37

you know the words this we

10:39

all need someone to rely on

10:41

I've never found anyone to fulfill

10:44

my needs it's

10:46

a lonely place to

10:48

dwell and so I learned

10:51

to depend on

10:53

me this is embarrassing I decided

10:55

long ago to

11:07

me no matter what they

11:09

take from me they turn

11:11

take away my dignity you

11:13

sure that that you're singing

11:16

to it then sugar to

11:18

me because the greatest love

11:21

of all is happening to me

11:24

is this children's no Whitney Houston

11:26

you do there

11:29

is love

11:32

of me learning to

11:34

love yourself is this

11:37

is that ranking is

11:39

the greatest love of

11:43

beautiful thank you to that well

11:45

you know it's Christmas I thought people would like to hear

11:48

that song how'd you

11:50

know what I said seriously I must

11:52

do it just in there I must have learned them

11:54

at some point I must

11:56

have thought they were it was a good idea to do that

12:00

Okay. My

12:02

wife's watching the Hunger Games. Just text me. She's

12:04

just watching. Next

12:07

question. My goodness. So King, I love

12:10

children. The children are our future. I

12:12

don't think anyone should kill them. I think they

12:14

should be nurtured. I think they're lovely. I love

12:16

my kids so much, but I, you know, obviously

12:18

I love my own kids, but I think, you

12:20

know, a couple of kids you meet are annoying,

12:22

but, you know, I don't think slaying them

12:25

is the answer. Richard, how high

12:27

is on the ground? Do you think the star would

12:29

have to be if it had a single stable in

12:31

the town? 10 feet maximum? The smallest star in the

12:33

universe is 167,000 kilometres wide. If

12:36

that had been hovering three yards above Bethlehem, don't

12:38

you think that that might have made local papers?

12:41

It's another brilliant point, someone I made in my

12:43

show, Christ on the Bike, I believe, that

12:47

again, like a lot of the stuff that

12:49

happened in the nativity, you would imagine it

12:51

wouldn't have just made it into the Bible.

12:53

It was so spectacular. A

12:56

star moving around and indicating a place where

12:58

Jesus was born, people coming

13:01

from the East, an unknown number

13:03

of Beyghain, in fact, coming from the

13:05

East. It's never stated as three. And

13:09

yeah, I think it sort of is

13:11

suspicious that that wasn't mentioned in

13:13

any other source, that no one saw this, and

13:16

that nobody made a big deal that the Romans

13:18

didn't think, you know, because Herod, nothing

13:20

in history was going to kill those kids. Herod wasn't,

13:22

you know, hey, why didn't Herod just go to the

13:24

place where the fucking star was hovering over the book

13:26

and then killed it? That's what I

13:28

would have done if I'd been him. But

13:31

yeah, it seems weird. You

13:33

know, maybe it was a helicopter, if you thought about that. Well,

13:37

maybe it was a helicopter from the future,

13:39

and it flew over the, in

13:42

the night, it flew over the stable, and

13:44

someone was filming, maybe from the future, filming

13:46

Jesus being born. The light from the helicopter

13:48

shone down so they could use their cameras,

13:51

and people from the time thought that it

13:53

was a star, but it wasn't a star.

13:56

Well, would the helicopter have not made the

13:58

history books? Well, maybe, you know, people- it

14:00

was a small thing, it happened, some people saw it,

14:02

said we saw a star and this guy went yeah

14:04

sure you did, it's Christmas time, you've been drinking, you've

14:06

gone crazy, get out of here. So

14:09

you know I think it, well that's more

14:11

feasible than a star moving

14:13

along indicating they're staying stable. It could

14:15

be a time travel, it could be

14:17

an alien in a spacecraft of some

14:20

kind, maybe Jesus was an alien, maybe

14:22

the impregnation of Mary was an alien,

14:24

came down impregnated Mary maybe you know

14:26

in the spaceship, she

14:29

called that force god, she didn't know what

14:31

it was but they were doing an experiment

14:33

and they created Jesus, he was this hybrid

14:35

alien human who could do magic tricks, so

14:38

maybe that explains it all. You

14:40

don't think that wouldn't make the history books? No, I

14:42

don't think it necessarily would because it would have done

14:44

quite secretly and if Mary tried to say what I

14:47

was in an UFO, people would go I don't know

14:49

what that is, so it wouldn't make the history books,

14:51

people would discount it, so yeah I think that's what

14:53

happened. Do you say you're

14:55

going on then till every year Richard or

14:57

do you think you are maintaining a little

14:59

lethality that you could be proud of? I

15:01

would say I'm maintaining

15:05

a level of something, I'm getting more sane if I'm

15:07

saying the truth and things. Richard, next

15:09

question, if Jesus came back and as many

15:11

people believe he will and saw

15:13

what Christmas had become, what do you

15:15

think he would make of it? What would most

15:17

surprise him about your own specific celebration?

15:20

I mean it would be a way, I'm

15:22

not the first person to have wondered this,

15:25

Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he

15:28

was a Jew for a start, so you know

15:30

he came back and saw that Jews

15:32

were being exterminated in the Holocaust

15:35

and there were wars between Christians

15:37

and Jews and Muslims and Jews,

15:39

Arabs and Jews, that

15:42

I don't think that would make him very

15:45

happy, I think it would be weird for

15:47

him to see a whole religion sprung up

15:49

around him, I'm not sure that's what he

15:51

wanted, but certainly if you look at some

15:54

of the more extreme Christians and

15:56

the way they've Almost just flipped

15:58

the message haven't they in America. Maybe.

16:01

He was all about. A. Loving everyone

16:03

and can find one living in a

16:05

band forgiving and enemies and now the

16:08

extreme christians being in a bad thing

16:10

to say I can a very much

16:12

anti immigration. they wouldn't even be set

16:14

up now and family The set up

16:16

that ah they're not loving than the

16:18

enemies they're not loving than a this

16:21

Fayette to pro guns and. You.

16:23

Know I think Jesus would be

16:25

annoyed am have my own specific

16:27

celebrations of Jesus. I'm.

16:30

Ah, I'm not

16:32

only their be ending particularly surprising that he

16:34

might be confused by the alpha on the

16:37

shelf. we do. I'm confused by that earnest.

16:39

Pleasure. Or my children have to.

16:42

And Ninety nine, she's not stupid. See, those

16:44

is a toy in Nc. still. Seems.

16:47

You know, like in transfer the idea that

16:49

the elf means every nine ghosts a different

16:51

place. and then she does She know were

16:53

doing that Or is she playing along? I

16:55

don't know. About

16:57

kim of with finish think that they

16:59

believe it. He

17:02

listens to police the for you have resistance had

17:04

toy. That.

17:08

They can live on the kidnapper me to he

17:10

get a legal. Why do you think it's cool

17:13

Boxing day I've been I guess a will be

17:15

cause is the first weekend after Christmas day of

17:17

that the holiday was postponed errand boy than seven.

17:19

some very kind expect to receive a Christmas but

17:22

I haven't looked republican. Fees are you to devote

17:24

his? He didn't affect the may have that I

17:26

would have thought I thought is Chris them. Probably.

17:29

Guess you have with the boxes that

17:31

I'm from Christmas since I you put

17:33

the boxes inside the biggest box and

17:35

them for the map, the recycling or

17:37

boxing day or you can load the

17:39

our inlaws say it. Exists

17:42

stages in a ring headed grandson. Months

17:44

next question at every three gap in

17:46

the Caught in the Snowman that little

17:48

voice of or three David Bowie. do

17:51

you think it really hasn't to him.

17:53

It would explain a lot here. if

17:55

you remember that the first on the

17:57

snow was shown. At David Bowie.

18:00

This day and I'm have the scarf

18:02

and everything and made out it was

18:04

him in the car takes so they

18:06

don't really show that inch I would.

18:08

Absolutely maddening was I looking same by

18:10

promising did that happen and I'm sold

18:12

Hybrid on what in as David Bowie

18:14

and he was taken into space by

18:16

snowmen and. There's lots of questions

18:18

about the snowman with so. I want

18:20

to know that You know Blood is a snowman. At.

18:22

The end the snow enjoy the last thing

18:25

to mount but in this story the same

18:27

and disappears in the snow. Will ramsay he

18:29

that so that doesn't make sense. A slim

18:31

and take ages to melt. Recent estimate the

18:33

salmon stubborn after the didn't like David Bowie

18:35

has a kid and president. To

18:38

have wised the snowmen on the motorcycle melting,

18:40

a meeting to him from a thing with

18:43

the same and then yeah, there's a lot

18:45

questions to ask. Got any rain began? Much

18:47

stamina. Dad and my niece of only concern.

18:50

Is for the census Them.

18:53

as that's something that muslim and same.

18:56

Tribe out a Raven Briggs next time

18:58

I think of it for the bird

19:00

accident. Pretty good You refer to deliver

19:02

the every child in the world or

19:04

be got the gods one the gotten

19:06

some center at the die for all

19:08

mankind put on asking you to tend

19:10

to. Oh jesus I'm. I mean,

19:12

I think that hunted game is a pretty

19:14

tough one. As lovely as it must be

19:16

to spread that much joy. I love kids.

19:18

the clan Grateful my kids are ungrateful. It's

19:21

doesn't the presents and than it ever play

19:23

with them again and I sort of expected

19:25

he must become increasingly tedious. He

19:28

only went what their yeah but you at

19:30

Lehigh have and that yeah I'd sort of

19:32

it. He really friendly was Jesus a dove

19:34

live forever have a has to die in

19:37

agony bake until magic tricks you guys hair

19:39

washed his hands feet was my lady's her

19:41

to Atlanta. I read that

19:43

the a battle the magic stuff they got

19:46

the thanks from people that the left was

19:48

probably plays they would be one hundred that

19:50

of loaves and fishes. This report someone mission

19:52

they they to thought I had to dig

19:55

up plan for the Reagan for long whoop

19:57

adding the stupid that's what jesus I'm Santana.

20:00

I'm. Tired

20:04

of ads, crashing your comedy podcast

20:06

party? Good. News ad free

20:08

listening on Amazon. Music is included

20:10

with your prime membership. Just

20:12

had to amazon.com/ad free comedy to

20:14

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20:17

Without. The ads and with doesn't have a Guy shows

20:19

up. Responses as such as Mad As. Hell. It's

20:21

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20:23

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searching plans that you H one.com. Yeah,

21:17

agreement is good news sure seems

21:19

too soon to susie. Differences do

21:22

a suit draw. The Christmas is

21:24

over. Whether the when liver transplants

21:26

came in. I don't know.

21:28

I mean yeah, I think he means it can

21:30

drink to drink. Without. Getting

21:33

drunk and he sort of immortal

21:35

and so. You. Know and I'm dancing

21:37

to the first. One thousand, Nine

21:39

Hundred Years. There. Was really any to

21:42

have since been. So if you live bathroom.

21:44

On. The first liver. That. Really wasn't much

21:46

sherry into more recently to be said for the

21:48

summer when there's more people. May

21:51

be wrong but said them to this

21:53

question. as richard

21:55

look prison be as big as this year

21:57

that you didn't get ah don't really way

21:59

one to get any presents anymore. In fact, I've

22:01

just started buying my own presents and just giving them

22:03

to my wife to give to me or

22:06

my mother-in-law to give to me or

22:08

get my wife to give to my mother-in-law to give to me so

22:10

she thinks that I don't know what it's gonna be. So

22:13

just like if I need some shower gel

22:15

or some tea, I like Tea Pigs licorice

22:17

and peppermint tea. I'm actually drinking ginger tea

22:19

because I've just bought some more licorice and

22:21

peppermint. I'm probably gonna give that to someone

22:24

to give me as a Christmas present. And

22:26

Christmas is still two or three

22:28

weeks away, so I have to wait. I've

22:31

got some nice jogging bottoms. Yeah,

22:34

I could be wearing them now, but I'm not. Got

22:37

some belts off of

22:40

Instagram. Started buying things off Instagram. Like it's

22:42

like the case catalog of the

22:45

21st century. Ronco

22:48

battery tester. That used to be the things you'd get

22:50

in it and now you just buy whatever comes up

22:52

on Instagram like an old, old man.

22:54

You are an old, old man. You're not as old

22:56

as me. Richard, what are your

22:58

New Year resolutions? How long do other people in

23:00

the room estimate you'll keep them for? Well, you

23:02

can be the other people in the room.

23:05

Well, you know, I usually try to give up

23:07

drinking. I estimate that I'll last four days. Well,

23:09

I gave up drinking three years ago

23:12

for January and then I haven't

23:14

started again. So that was a very successful New

23:16

Year's resolution. I've sort of

23:18

given up chocolate again already. I've started eating very dark chocolate

23:21

because you can only eat a couple of pieces of that.

23:23

It's quite good for me on the diet I'm on. And

23:27

it's nice to... It's not exactly

23:29

a sweet treat. So I might

23:31

not give up that. I

23:33

want to just carry on with my healthy living and

23:36

I think I might... What do you think I'll do?

23:38

Yeah, I think you'll carry on with the healthy living

23:40

for about two weeks. There'll come a

23:42

point when the healthy living goes, as usual, Richard, won't

23:44

there? There probably will. And then you'll become fat

23:46

again and then you'll go

23:48

back and forth until the stress kills

23:50

you. Probably the next five to 10

23:52

years. Well, I hope I get longer than

23:54

that. I do think about that a lot.

23:57

I'm hoping to get 30 more years now. I've

23:59

overcome. And then i like still

24:01

better but had cancer her and have

24:04

overcome a beat It. Defeated

24:06

it from an advocate. A good chance of

24:08

me keeping up the have read regime idol

24:10

a day. I did it and it and

24:12

then the next year. Twenty Twenty one. I

24:14

was very good. Very fit. Twenty Three Two.

24:17

It down at Twenty Twenty three, a struggle to

24:19

try and get back, and then suddenly that awful

24:21

month of really. Take. The back together

24:23

again and I feel it's sustainable this time. I

24:25

don't know if it is, but I would like

24:28

to stay like as fit as I am of

24:30

the moment. Feel good. Feel

24:32

healthy and I'm eating less food. And

24:34

it's good for me. So you know I'm

24:36

not sure this year's resolutions will make anybody

24:38

and I you call even had a that

24:40

they would fail. Interesting.

24:43

That of in a serious on well

24:45

you know the law laughs here Richards

24:48

was the strangest thing you've ever sounded

24:50

amazing. Just have a baby a good

24:52

half god half human baby in one

24:54

once of is crazy or then of

24:57

I've ever been to the main Jennifer

24:59

the seeing the manger real life partner

25:01

in I suppose like after the been

25:03

nativity scenes as or Hall of Fame

25:06

in those Manges as quite crappy. Dolls.

25:09

New Cloud does that. no one's plane

25:11

with anymore. Some

25:15

touch me, something touched something rushed against the

25:17

elderly and you know they know that goes

25:19

to must when I'm feeling sex and. The

25:23

rugged accounts. but it wasn't. So

25:25

yeah just a.then they have seen in a

25:27

manger straw an adult into a real manges

25:30

at fake strangers I've never seen as a

25:32

main jing in a manger is what I'm

25:34

saying that never been in me nauseous. Have

25:36

seen pret a manger the same thing I've

25:38

seen in pret a manger yes go on

25:40

as a man can I come gotten one

25:43

or less as by when the weather or

25:45

pyramid and etc about a month in the

25:47

metro. Think. I talked to have to

25:49

it's. She's. Like a nice guy but it was

25:51

the weather or. Pyramid. On his head will

25:53

the time to protect him from negative energy. Am.

25:57

so that's the same thing i've ever seen in a

25:59

platinum j Pretimanger

26:01

Richard, could you either go to Christmas Island or

26:03

the East Islands? If the East Islands is on

26:06

with the big heads, I'd like to go there.

26:09

Although I think it's, I think Easter Island is

26:11

the one where the vegetation has gotten its difficult

26:13

to be there now, hasn't it? I

26:16

don't know what's at the Christmas Islands. They sound

26:18

great, and they do sound amazing, but I think

26:20

they're not that interested in Christmas Islands. Whereas

26:22

I could like to see the big heads. So

26:24

you like a big head, don't you? Is

26:27

that a oral sex joke? He was an attinter in

26:29

an oral sex joke, he didn't really make that sense.

26:31

No, you know, you've got to go with what you

26:33

can do, though. You've got to try it down and

26:35

see what happens. And it might lead on to some

26:37

brilliant comedy. I forgot to look at what time we

26:39

started. We've done about 20 minutes.

26:41

We'll press on it's Christmas. Richard,

26:44

question 40. We're doing well. We've got 13

26:46

questions on the... Isn't it

26:48

strange that you have a dead tree in your house? Please

26:50

try to explain why. And don't feel smug if you have

26:52

an artificial tree or a tree that's still alive. That's just

26:54

a fucking nod. Why are you going

26:56

along with this? I do. I mean, obviously I

26:58

wrote that question. I do find it disturbing. We

27:00

do it every year because it's tradition. We've

27:03

got a very nice tree this year. I managed to... I had

27:05

to go and choose the tree. Oh, there's a fly. What's that?

27:10

I brushed my elbow. And

27:13

I had to go on my own and choose one. And that's

27:15

a dangerous thing because you think, oh, that one looks all right.

27:17

Is it going to be okay? And it's pretty buzzing around, isn't

27:19

it? And it's like a beauty.

27:22

And it's a big one. It's crazy. And I

27:24

find it nuts that it's in the house, that

27:26

we've killed the tree or we've had a tree

27:28

killed for us. Someone's got to

27:30

come pick it up at the

27:32

end when we've had enough of having it in the house. It's

27:35

a tradition. It's a terrible tradition. I guess they keep

27:37

growing the tree. So that's all you can really say

27:39

is good about it. There's a lot of land set

27:42

aside for growing trees. Even though they cut them down,

27:44

then they must grow new ones. But

27:46

I still feel bad for the death

27:49

of a living thing for no real

27:51

practical reason. And I hope that

27:54

that will be a tradition

27:56

that will slowly die out, probably with mankind. Yeah,

27:58

I mean, mankind will probably die out. and then

28:00

because mankind has died out, we'll stop putting trees

28:03

in our house. And then trees will grow, and

28:05

trees will grow in our houses, because the seeds

28:07

will fall through, the holes in our roof, and

28:09

trees will grow inside our houses and destroy our

28:12

houses, and that will be a very apt and

28:14

poetic well for

28:16

us to be punished for what we've done. So

28:18

I'll look forward to that day, except I

28:20

won't be here, because I'll be one of the

28:22

corpses strewn in the streets, but

28:25

it'll be nice when nature takes back over

28:27

and destroys us. And

28:29

it's like Planet of the Trees,

28:32

made one day super intelligent trees, will

28:35

keep people with their feet cut

28:37

off in their living rooms.

28:41

So, your Majesty, Richard, this is imaginative. How

28:45

many ghosts was Scrooge visited by?

28:48

I know this is a trick question, because you might

28:50

say three, the Ghost of Christmas Past, the Ghost of

28:53

Christmas Present, the Ghost of Christmas Future. But

28:55

as I say here, then if someone says that shout in

28:58

their face, no, you idiot, it was four. Jacob, Molly was

29:00

a ghost too, wasn't he, you prick? If

29:02

they say four, say, I was talking about

29:04

Scrooge and I came up with Christmas Carol,

29:06

you idiot, so it was five. Because you're

29:08

visited by the Marley Brothers, Marley and Marley,

29:10

you prick. Yeah, that's true. And we're Marley

29:12

and Marley, avarice and greed,

29:14

we took our breath, we took

29:16

that fact, they're needy and they're

29:18

needy. We took our lives from

29:20

eating pies and doing, I should know this, we

29:23

listened to it so much, my son loved this.

29:26

We're Marley and Marley, avarice

29:29

and greed. That's

29:31

not even worth it. Yeah,

29:34

I just thought we could sing that together. Maybe

29:36

we can work it up for Twitch or

29:38

Fun. Yeah, let's do Marley and Marley. We're

29:41

Marley and Marley, our hearts are painted black.

29:43

We took our lives from dee dee

29:46

dee dee dee dee dee dee dee

29:48

dee. What about we

29:50

should do some of the others? It's beginning

29:52

to look a lot like Christmas. Oh, that's

29:54

not the Muppet house. When

29:57

a cold wind blows, it chills you, chills you

29:59

too. the bone but there's nothing

30:01

as sacred until over as years of

30:03

living alone it paints you with indifference

30:06

like a lady paints with rouge and

30:08

the wonder the worst is the most

30:10

and the curse is heaven the one

30:12

that they call Scrooge oh

30:14

here comes Mr. Skin, here

30:16

comes Mr. Poo he makes

30:18

his life from doing stuff

30:20

and having a big poo

30:23

in telling lies the way of

30:25

life you practice and rehearse then

30:28

every day in every way Scrooge

30:30

is getting worse oh

30:33

that work is paying off because Scrooge is

30:35

getting worse every day in every way I

30:37

haven't watched it this year it's the lyrics

30:39

are falling out my head I used to

30:41

know like Brett Golds

30:44

thing I could sing

30:46

the whole fucking thing I can't believe I can't

30:48

do it's Marley and I love listening Marley and

30:50

Marley I will listen to the people

30:52

playing the brass instrument suddenly because of just a great

30:54

bit I wish they did it more wow

30:57

wow wow and it burst it's great that

30:59

there's one bit this divine in there

31:01

and I wish they just did it a

31:03

few more times Richard what do

31:05

you think about the decision made by Jeffrey

31:07

Katlenberg of Disney Studios to cut the song

31:09

where love is gone from the theatrical release

31:11

of Christmas Carol I mean sure it's a

31:13

bit sloppy but it doesn't ruin the dance

31:16

as the ending when the signs were pleased

31:18

as the love we found and not pulling

31:20

Jeffrey Katlenberg a prick that's not my place

31:22

not on this special day well

31:24

it's not a special day I do think Jeffrey

31:26

Katlenberg of the prick yeah sure

31:31

I believe they've re-show

31:33

they've put it out again with this song re-established

31:35

which is good if we get the video as

31:37

my wife's family has it's still in the video

31:40

so it wasn't in the theatrical release and

31:42

it's a nice song and the girl who

31:44

plays the Scrooge's girlfriend sings it beautifully love

31:48

is gone the love

31:50

is gone oh dear and

31:52

then it returns at the end with the love

31:54

we found love we found so

31:57

it's a shame to lose it I understand it comes in the

31:59

mid I

34:00

mean that's pretty much comes from I guess

34:02

when this book was written. I

34:05

just thought that would be a fun thing to

34:07

chuck into a Christmas conversation. Every

34:09

year I think it'd probably get more fun as

34:11

the older people regret what they've done more

34:13

and more and many of them of course

34:15

sadly died due to Covid,

34:18

which if they hadn't been for Brexit I think might

34:21

not have been quite so bad for them. Who knows?

34:24

There's a delicious irony in there somewhere.

34:26

I think increasingly seeing Brexit

34:29

was a bad idea. But

34:32

that's good because I think in Venge it means

34:34

we'll just slightly edge our

34:36

way back toward the European Union.

34:39

I hope in the 30

34:41

remaining years I may have that

34:46

we made back in the EU before I

34:49

shuffle away because I'll be old then and

34:51

I'll be upset because I won't want to

34:53

be in the EU behind Brexit. But

34:56

even so I hope now as a young

34:58

56, probably 57 next Christmas year. But

35:06

don't ask that question. Let's not talk about Brexit Christmas.

35:08

It's not or at all. Let's forget about it. Let's

35:10

forget it ever happened. Let's just go back to where

35:12

we were. Richard, here we go. And

35:14

maybe this should be the last question. Yeah. Let's have a

35:16

look and see what time it is. Yeah, I think we

35:18

can make this the effort. How long would

35:20

you keep going out with a true love who's spent

35:22

the 12 days of Christmas mainly saddling you with birds

35:25

and other animals which would require a lot of effort

35:27

to keep spreading how? And how would

35:29

you for saying to give you rings every

35:31

day and extra ring for each day of Christmas and

35:33

we're not only at the 12th day of Christmas I should

35:35

I get to need 12 gold

35:38

rings, 11 gold rings, 10 gold

35:40

rings, 9 gold rings, 8 gold rings, 7

35:42

gold rings, 6 gold rings, 5 gold

35:45

rings, 4 gold rings, 3

35:47

gold rings, 2 gold rings and a gold ring

35:49

in a fair tree. It would

35:52

be more fun. Let's try and do it on

35:54

the 12th day of Christmas. 1, 2, 3, 12 gold rings, 11 gold rings.

36:00

Gold rings, gold rings, gold rings,

36:02

gold rings, seven gold rings, six

36:04

gold rings, five gold

36:07

rings, two hagons,

36:09

four gold rings, three gold rings, two gold

36:12

rings, and a gold ring in a pear

36:14

tree, and a gold ring in a gold

36:16

ring tree, and

36:19

a gold ring in a gold ring, that

36:21

was better, that's a

36:23

better idea. Yeah it is weird, I was thinking as

36:25

well when I was listening to the kids sing this

36:27

at a carol service the other day, it's

36:29

six geese are laying I believe, and

36:31

that was a very specific thing to

36:33

give, and must be a very difficult

36:36

orchestra, you'd have to find six geese

36:38

that were on the point of laying eggs

36:41

and synchronised them so when they turned up at

36:43

your true love's house for all the remaining days,

36:45

they came out every single day, they would be

36:47

shitting out eggs just at the right time, and

36:49

all of them together like a synchronised swimming team.

36:53

So yeah, I mean I think it

36:56

was a rod for his own back, that guy doing

36:58

that, he was foolish, and I hope

37:00

he regrets it. So you

37:02

make that the last one, shall we do one more, shall we see

37:04

what, so we could get up to 50, let's

37:08

get up to 50, that'll be easy to remember next

37:10

Christmas, and there's still 450 questions to

37:12

go, so we've still got several Christmases left on

37:14

out. Luckily we were

37:16

talking about the page, they're taking numbers, so we'll go. 1647,

37:19

would a Christmas carl have been as popular

37:21

as saying, bar humbug, Ebony the stage and

37:23

said, oh fuck sticks, what's the

37:26

funniest six feet if you can imagine speed to explain

37:28

me, I mean it would be quite fun to have

37:30

him and say, nah, fuck sticks, um,

37:33

oh jizzy cocks, baaaaa,

37:36

rain, baaaaa, bar black

37:38

sheep, have you any

37:40

wood? Sorry, I keep

37:42

stopping to my own.

37:44

It would be funny to just change bar humbug, I think, I

37:46

think, oh fuck sticks is hard to beat though, so well done

37:49

whoever came up with that. Question

37:51

48, is there a part of you

37:53

that would actually like to live in a Christmas future

37:55

where Tiny Tim has died in infancy? Yes there is,

37:58

I think Tiny Tim in nearly a Every production is

38:01

awful, especially Muppets

38:04

Christmas Carol, I'd be quite happy for him to die.

38:07

It's morkish, sentimental, let

38:09

him die, he said less than for us all. Sorry,

38:11

I fell off my chair, I know. Richard, what

38:13

is your favourite childish parody of The Hymn

38:16

while shepherds watch their flocks by night? Sing

38:18

it now, please. Well, the

38:20

only one I know is

38:22

while shepherds watch their socks

38:24

by night or watching BBC,

38:27

the angel of the Lord

38:29

came down and switched to ITV.

38:33

That's a great one. So

38:36

that's what I would go for. What else is there? You

38:39

do know a different one? While

38:41

shepherds got

38:44

the pox at night all

38:47

seated on

38:49

a hound, yeah, the

38:52

angel of the Lord came

38:54

on them and said, eat

38:57

that up, shepherds, it's delicious.

39:00

That's a good one, just make that up, no? Okay,

39:03

question 50, and this is where we'll leave it for 2023.

39:08

This is the last Vollmer's Podcast

39:10

of 2023. Who

39:12

is your favourite Noel or Noel? I'm

39:15

your know, I love

39:17

Edmunds, obviously, still a no deal, making

39:20

the universe, having a cancer-stucuring machine, helped

39:22

me with a great deal. And

39:26

Noel Gordon, that's the only Noel I can think

39:28

of, Noel. I

39:31

think it has, I can only really think of Noel

39:33

Fielding, who I know a little bit, and so I

39:35

think I'd have to say Noel Fielding. He

39:38

was, he's acted in my

39:40

last TV attempted click-on I

39:43

got as far as a taster tape, so I worked

39:46

with him on that and he was really good. He

39:49

just swatched him out for lunch to try and persuade him

39:51

to do that show and he was a charming lunch companion.

39:53

Haven't seen much of him since. He hasn't come

39:55

on Raulastepa, maybe we'll get him on Raulastepa eventually

39:58

that'll be nice. But we will.

40:01

Anyway, look, have a lovely Christmas everyone

40:03

or whatever you celebrate, whatever crazy nut

40:05

stuff your family believes in or doesn't

40:07

believe in. If

40:10

you're working on Christmas, you know, why

40:12

not get the extra money? Sometimes

40:15

some of us have to work at Christmas. I

40:18

won't be working. But, you know, I'll be peeling

40:20

some spuds and stuff, probably playing

40:22

with new toys. I

40:26

do my part. I do my part. We'll see

40:28

you again in 2024. Thanks so much

40:30

for your support. Thank

40:32

you very much to everyone who

40:35

has been a plus or a badger. It makes

40:37

a huge difference. And do try

40:39

and persuade your friends to just listen to the podcast.

40:41

Come and see it live. And

40:44

we've got loads of cracking podcasts lined up.

40:47

And by the time we finish this tour that's still going

40:49

on, we'll have enough to see us through pretty much the

40:51

whole 2024 unless I start putting them at two or three

40:54

a week, which I might do because, you know, I'm just

40:56

the kind of idiot that I am. Do

40:58

come and see. Can I have my ball back on tour?

41:00

Don't do this. This is an

41:03

extra for them. Don't do more Anthony.

41:05

I'm sorry. Have a lovely Christmas or

41:07

a dual tide or have a happy

41:09

Hanukkah. You have

41:11

to do all of them now or whatever you

41:13

believe in. Have a happy one of those. I

41:16

hope nothing bad happens to any of you.

41:18

However statistically unlikely that is. And

41:21

tearing up a little bit the beauty of this. I'll

41:24

see you soon. Thanks for watching and thanks for

41:26

listening. I love you all. I'm just so glad

41:28

to still be here. Just find my cancer. Tired

41:38

of ads crashing your comedy podcast

41:40

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know the minute a tomato is picked the Fresh

41:58

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our present to you a fresher it

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is says he sort in the time

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by.