0:00

Hi there, welcome to my podcast feed powered

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by Acast Plus. Thanks to

0:04

everyone who's come to see Rahalstupa in 2023. The

0:06

tour has been really good fun and so have

0:08

the London shows. More in 2024,

0:10

we're in London. Those

0:13

ones all selling pretty well and there's a pretty

0:15

good guest coming on the 12th of February that

0:17

I can't reveal yet that it might

0:19

be worth buying tickets early for at the

0:21

Leicester Square Theatre. I'm also in Brighton, which

0:24

is selling well, Colchester with Mary Beard

0:26

and another pretty good guest I think I've

0:28

got sorted out. Bedford, not

0:30

selling well at all, but there is a big

0:32

name guest hopefully coming to that one. Bristol I

0:34

think is sold out. Leicester selling well, Canterbury selling

0:37

well, Dublin selling well, but loads of tickets left.

0:39

It's a huge place. Tommy Tiernan on that one.

0:41

Cardiff, moved venues to the Sherman, which is a

0:43

much smaller venue. There aren't many tickets left. Sheffield

0:47

doing all right. Coventry, Warwick Arts

0:49

Centre doing okay. Glasgow nearly sold

0:51

out and Hull, over

0:53

a thousand tickets left for that one. So come along

0:55

to those if you can. And perfect Christmas gifts, as

0:59

are any of my downloads or books.

1:01

gofastonstripe.com is a good place to start

1:03

for those. And do join

1:05

my newsletter this week, richardherring.com/newsletter. If you

1:08

haven't already, I'm going to be giving

1:10

out some spot prizes in

1:12

December, including some

1:15

very rare right bollock stress balls, handmade by

1:17

Richard Eisen, that only a couple of dozen

1:19

of those have been made at all. So

1:21

you want to get your hands on that

1:24

and squeeze my bollock. But

1:27

also there's news coming up this week of

1:29

a big announcement and you will get

1:31

early access to tickets for whatever this

1:33

thing could be. I can't imagine what

1:35

it is. And also early of

1:37

all the dates before everyone else gets them, whatever

1:39

it is. I can't tell you, some

1:42

kind of tour or something. I don't know what

1:44

it's going to be. richardherring.com/newsletters. Sign up

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worry about that. Let's

1:54

crack on. Have a lovely Christmas period.

1:56

I'll talk to you again before then. and

2:00

thank you for all the support. Listen to

2:02

a podcast, tell your friends, buy

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visit onecondoms.com/flex. Hello,

3:21

welcome to another retro Ruhalostupa. Sadly,

3:25

this one is chosen because the

3:27

guest recently passed away.

3:31

It's the fantastic Annabelle Giles,

3:34

who was a great friend to me and fantastic support

3:36

to me, both appearing

3:38

in our shows in the 90s, letting

3:41

me write one of my plays in her shed in

3:43

her garden. And she,

3:45

by all accounts, just a fantastic woman.

3:47

So many brilliant stories about her coming

3:49

out, about how kind and generous she

3:51

was to so many people. She's

3:54

also brilliantly funny, as she shows

3:56

in this fantastic interview. So I

3:58

hope you will. enjoy this

4:01

tribute to

4:03

the absolutely unique and wonderful

4:05

Annabelle Giles. Ladies

4:32

and gentlemen welcome to the

4:34

Brighton Theatre Royal. Please

4:40

welcome a man who

4:42

has allegedly been filmed

4:44

satisfying himself, satisfying himself.

4:48

We'll find out more about that, it's Richard Haring. Hello!

4:56

Hello! Let's

5:00

be quiet, let's not sit.

5:04

Come look up there, come look up

5:06

there. There's

5:09

no need for it. It's

5:11

all full of right to the top, it's a may. What

5:13

a beautiful theatre. Welcome to

5:15

Richard Haring's Life Sexually Troubling podcast. It's

5:18

a new direction for the podcast. You've

5:21

got to find, there's so many podcasts now you've got to find

5:23

your niche, otherwise there's too many people interviewing people. So

5:26

I'm going to get celebrities on, ask them if

5:28

they've got pubic nice, and then work out if

5:30

that's a bad or a good thing. It's

5:33

going to be like, are they sexually tickling? Costumous.

5:37

And then we'll talk about that for now. I don't know if my guests have realised

5:39

that's what's going to happen. But

5:41

I was talking to the man dressed as

5:43

Pikachu wandering around Brighton Beachfront on

5:45

a hot September afternoon today. He

5:48

calls it Relistibus, I don't know if that's going to catch

5:50

on. The

5:52

thing I referred to in my fumbled

5:55

intro was that I got

5:57

an email this week, three days ago, And

6:00

it said video, and then

6:02

it had a password that I used to use,

6:04

like one of my passwords written on it. It

6:06

came into my junk mail. And

6:09

it basically said that this guy

6:11

had put some malware. I think

6:14

he'd infected my computer

6:17

with malware. And it said,

6:19

I'll read you a bit of the email. It's

6:21

in my junk folder, I'm not sure it's genuine.

6:23

I collected all your private data and I recorded

6:26

you through your webcam, and

6:28

it's satisfying yourself. I've

6:31

never satisfied myself. I have to say, I'm

6:33

always, it's just

6:35

not satisfactory, is it? I've

6:37

tried, but I

6:39

just asked, was there a brief moment? Oh, and

6:42

then just this sort of empty feeling over the

6:44

skill and what I've just watched is so bad.

6:46

How, what if anyone would find out? I

6:49

welcomed, I was worried because one time I

6:51

did find some bare ladies on the internet.

6:53

And I just once, I did do, for

6:56

one time, I have masturbated

6:58

while looking at the internet. Just once. So

7:01

there's a possibility this guy's called out on film.

7:04

After that, I removed my malware from your

7:06

computer to not leave any traces. He says,

7:08

that's convenient, isn't it? Convenient,

7:11

he's thought of everything. I

7:13

can send a video to all your contacts, put

7:16

it on social media, publish it

7:18

on the whole web, including the

7:20

dark web where the sick people

7:22

are. I

7:25

mean, I always feel like I was on the sick people because

7:27

I've been satisfying myself. I mean, there's

7:29

mostly some people in the dark web who like to look

7:32

at weird, contorted

7:34

men ejaculating. The

7:37

suddenly he said, I had two

7:39

days and then there's quite a complicated system of payment.

7:41

There's lots of links. After receiving

7:43

payment, I will remove everything. And

7:46

I think you can trust this guy. So that is, I

7:48

think that's, that's, he

7:50

seems trustworthy. So, I mean, I thought

7:52

he did have a genuine password of

7:55

mine, but it wasn't one

7:57

I use anymore. I thought it's probably just some junk mail

7:59

that I've signed up. somewhere for something they've got my

8:01

password but there's a chance that you know that

8:03

could go out but

8:05

if it was a thousand pounds I had to pay to

8:07

stop it I thought I don't

8:10

care I don't care I weighed up and I

8:12

thought I don't care that much if

8:15

me wanking goes on the internet there's

8:17

quite a lot of people I would like to see have

8:20

to see me masturbating so that went to all my so they'd

8:22

be quite a few think I'm good they've seen that you know

8:24

because if you do it just in

8:26

front of them the end of Louis CK don't you but

8:29

it's right you're getting the trouble but if

8:31

they can see that and opened it themselves say

8:33

they can't get me they can't get me for

8:36

the perfect crime so

8:40

that's the decision I made I decided to let it go

8:42

it was three days ago yeah I don't think it's happened

8:44

least ways and that my mum hasn't rung

8:47

me up why is that bitch of you grimacing I'm

8:51

more worried they will find out what

8:53

I was masturbating to that is I

8:56

don't I don't mind people seeing so

9:00

far so good we'll see right my guest tonight on

9:02

this one

9:05

show we only do one show and don't let anyone tell

9:07

you different she

9:10

is probably best known for being the

9:12

narrator on mad and two swords inside

9:14

story that's why we're here tonight to

9:16

see we'll get the

9:18

inside story on the inside story ladies and gentlemen

9:20

you please welcome Annabelle Childs sit

9:31

down there's a microphone there's some water

9:33

we've thought of everything everything for you

9:36

health and safety back there oh that is quite bad

9:38

but that hasn't made that nest of I

9:40

know look at that should all be taped it

9:42

should well you should have tripped over

9:44

and you could have made some good money out of

9:46

the theater royal there I know and sued you yeah

9:48

or me yeah you can have a bit

9:53

of a jump in these so

9:55

much can you

9:57

do that's all right sorry yeah

9:59

good How are you doing? Do you know I'm okay? Scared

10:06

yourself Yes,

10:10

I'm I'm okay hasn't it been a lovely day

10:12

today. Oh my god. This is why we live

10:14

here Do you see why we live it was

10:17

very lovely. I just feel sorry for the

10:19

Pikachu man You're

10:21

not living here Tragic

10:23

isn't it? Yeah, it's all right. You're no longer London

10:25

though. Are you? I know I live in Hertfordshire We

10:30

had a follow you like fires it and we had

10:33

a fire in our village the other day So yeah,

10:35

so we love you love burning peers down. That's your

10:37

main thing You love

10:39

that. I think we all know who did that So,

10:44

yeah, we had the field that I do my stone

10:46

collector gone with burnt

10:48

down Which

10:53

is quite impressive the stones are flying a couple of my

10:55

charge That's that is it proved

10:57

the super don't worry, Danabelle, okay I know you're

10:59

a psychotherapist now and that we will get into

11:01

that later that particular Yeah, we should talk about

11:03

your childhood a bit more. We will do we

11:05

don't know your child a bit So what do

11:07

you remember being the narrator on Madame Tussauds? You

11:09

know, I saw that the other day. I've got

11:11

the most awful It's like hell yeah, welcome to

11:14

Madame Tussauds Absolutely marvelous. He

11:16

has really funny wax wax. It's really

11:18

awful. It's one of the first things

11:20

I ever did I'm frankly frankly posh.

11:22

I mean, this is me really rough

11:24

obviously But you know,

11:26

it's frankly like this that is a teeny voice

11:28

up here and it was just so embarrassing I

11:30

can't believe have you really really deep Google? Just

11:34

gone the IMDB pace that's not that oh,

11:37

I didn't know I had one What are you sure that's me in

11:39

Australia called under Belgium? I often

11:41

get voiceover requests for okay. Well,

11:43

I go well I would come but I can't be in Sydney by

11:46

tomorrow Unless I've also done the

11:48

inside story of Madame Tussauds. I think it's yours

11:51

Yeah, it could be her what is the inside story of Madame? And

11:54

I think it's just that they

11:56

make wax figures. Oh, that's what

11:58

happens And then when someone goes

12:00

out of fashion, you get removed from

12:02

the floor. Were you ever in

12:05

the position where you had a wax worker? No, not hardly

12:07

known at all. They're all thinking, I'm Annabelle Croft,

12:09

the tennis player. And someone's

12:11

going, shit, where is it then?

12:13

Exactly. Well, you had an amazing career

12:15

of a very varied... You've had a go at a

12:17

lot of things, Annabelle. That is something that was fair

12:19

to say. That sounds like I haven't succeeded. It does

12:22

sound like that. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. You've

12:24

been quite rude already. Lucky I know you, isn't it?

12:26

You're very, very, very rude man. Very rude man. But

12:29

you were a starter. I'll go back

12:31

to when you were at school. You expelled us

12:33

from school at 16 for going to

12:35

see Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel and

12:38

smoking in the street. Oh yeah, now

12:40

I've seen smoking in the Oval outside the

12:42

wimpy bar. John

12:44

Player Special, thanks. Oh

12:46

God, we had this whole plan. We

12:49

knew we were foil because we got on the

12:51

bus and the conductor said the seat's

12:53

upstairs and we thought, oh God, and I had to

12:55

go and sit down. I was in Musty, which is

12:57

baking all rules. Anyone know what Musty is? It's like

12:59

your own clothes. So not school uniforms.

13:01

So like normal, relatively normal clothes. You won't allow

13:03

clogs, no backless shoes, encouraged bad behaviour. It's a

13:05

boarding school, obviously. So I went and sat down

13:07

on the top thing, the three of us who'd

13:09

escaped in Musty at the bus

13:16

stop, get on the bus, I made to sit

13:18

down next to my piano teacher. So

13:21

I just sat like this,

13:23

hoping she wouldn't know it was me. And

13:25

she started staring sideways, got

13:28

off. Then we were

13:30

to meet one of our boyfriends. It wasn't me that had

13:32

the boyfriend's clothes so I can just a bit better develop.

13:35

And we met her, we met

13:37

her boyfriend in the wimpy bar, all had

13:39

a wimpy and then stood outside smoking while

13:41

he went to get his car. We were

13:43

useless at smoking. About 15, go, you

13:47

know, really bad smoking. Got in the

13:49

mini. He'd bought his friend Nigel Nolan

13:51

who nobody fancied, I'm afraid. I'm

13:53

sorry, but we just couldn't. We tried but we couldn't.

14:00

boy, Rob, and off we went and we

14:02

went to see Steve Hahn and Cotton Rebel at

14:04

the Colston Hall in Bristol. You must know that's

14:06

your cheddar boy, aren't you? And

14:08

when we came out, the plan was that

14:10

he would put Rob, the driver of them,

14:13

and he would change into mechanics overalls. Is

14:15

this quite long and boring? No, it's good.

14:17

I'm very excited. Your meat haul is very

14:19

good on it. It's very, very good. We

14:21

panned it for ages. We had ages. We

14:23

did nothing at school. So he

14:25

would change into, it's not like what I'm wearing now,

14:27

but a white version, and he'd smeared grease over it

14:30

and things like that. And he

14:32

rang the school and said that Mrs. Seidland, my

14:34

friend Claire's mother, had asked him to ring ahead

14:36

and say that the mini had broken down, so

14:38

he was going to drive us back. Right. So

14:40

he changed the door in overalls to make a

14:43

phone call. Yeah, no, because then he drove us

14:45

back and said, all right, you've got the girls now,

14:47

then. Like that. And so

14:49

we were dropped off, but they knew

14:51

because Miss Barnet, the piano teacher, had

14:53

phoned from Yoovel to say

14:55

that she'd set on a bus next to me. So

14:58

we were already caught, but we had such

15:00

a watertight story that we stuck to it,

15:03

stuck to it. And you know what? The

15:05

whole school never breathed a

15:07

word. And not until right now,

15:09

if they're listening, and I'm sure they are,

15:12

all those teachers from the 1970s before everyone was

15:14

born, are all listening now. And that's what we

15:16

did. And no one at school told or anything.

15:18

And we had to be in bed by half

15:20

past six every night for the rest of the

15:22

term. We weren't allowed to

15:25

watch Top of the Pops, no records, and we weren't

15:27

allowed to sweep the yard because everyone knew that we

15:29

knew there was ice cream in the freezer. Born

15:32

in school life by Annabelle Child. Thank you.

15:34

Would you make it awkward with the piano

15:36

teacher the next piano lesson? Well,

15:39

I never spoke to her again. No. We were all

15:42

leaving the school anyway. We weren't, but we said that.

15:45

So we've just done our O-levels anyway. We

15:47

couldn't really O-levels bless me. Did you do O-levels?

15:49

I did O-levels. Did you do O-levels? I

15:51

mean, a lot of the references in that story

15:53

have dated, I suppose. And I wimpy.

15:56

I mean, it's sort of like a McDonald's. It's

15:58

like a McDonald's. It's like the English John Playa

16:00

cigarettes. Yes John

16:02

Playa, the black and gold packet was their point.

16:04

Smoking on a bus. You were allowed to smoke

16:07

on buses. It's fine, we could do whatever

16:09

we wanted, we were the lucky generation. The

16:11

clogs are not getting the clog. It

16:13

was Somerset in the 1970s so... But

16:16

we weren't allowed to walk around in backless

16:18

shoes because they encouraged bad behaviour. Clogs were

16:20

actually agony. They were worn a pair of

16:22

clogs, you'd slip over the edge and they're

16:24

wooden, they're agony to wear. I

16:27

haven't ever worn clogs. Your

16:32

first foray into success came, you were

16:34

working as a secretary for a

16:36

public advertising agency. I

16:40

want to get to the bottom of the

16:42

story, it sounds made up to begin with.

16:44

It's so not made up, it's just jealous.

16:46

So you went to a photo shoot to

16:48

watch the photo shoot as a secretary at

16:50

the advertising agency and they

16:52

took your photo and then used the photo

16:54

in the advertising campaign. Absolutely true. So you

16:56

did the model who'd been booked to do

16:59

that, about the session field. Well,

17:01

shoes quite cross. You don't quite

17:03

cut it, we'll just get there and we'll go, oh, what

17:05

do you do? And then I was getting people ringing up

17:07

the agency saying, can we use, who's

17:09

that model that you used in that boots number seven advert?

17:11

Because we'd like to use her. And

17:14

I thought, actually, it's me. And

17:16

I said, are you a model? And I went, well, no, I'm just

17:18

a secretary here. And so they said, do

17:20

you work at weekends? I said, I could. And

17:22

I was earning more at weekends than I was

17:24

in a year working as a secretary. But I

17:27

still didn't want to leave my job because I

17:29

felt very loyal to the company. And

17:31

in the end, they offered me a really

17:33

exciting contract, which was I could keep my

17:35

job as a secretary if I would exclusively

17:38

be the boots number seven girl for

17:41

two thousand pounds a year. Now, that was,

17:43

you know, I had been signing the models

17:45

invoices and they earned that a day. So

17:48

I didn't quite see why I should be exclusive. And

17:50

so I said, well, no, you either pay me what

17:52

you pay a proper model or

17:54

I leave. And they went, OK,

17:56

leave. Oh, not what I was expecting. So

17:59

then I rang model. one, which is like the

18:01

best agency at the time. And I said, I'd like to be

18:03

a model. And they said, how old are you? And I said,

18:05

23, then, hmm, too old. And they

18:07

said, um, and how tall are you? And I said,

18:09

five foot six. I'm not, I'm five, five and a

18:11

half. I said, I'm five, six. And they're too short,

18:13

too old, too short. Sorry, bye. And then

18:15

my boss fell in the back, he said, can you just see her?

18:17

Because we're trying to get rid of her and we just need

18:19

her to go somewhere. We need to know she's going to be all

18:21

right. Just see her. So I walked in and they went, oh my

18:24

God, you're the girl that we're looking for.

18:26

They said we thought they'd retouched the eyes because

18:28

their model, who had done the original

18:30

shoot, had brown eyes and I had

18:32

blue eyes. She had it in her

18:35

book, had it in her portfolio, going,

18:37

yeah, no, I can do blue eyes

18:39

as well. And I got made into a model.

18:41

I was so upset because I just wanted to be

18:43

a secretary. I

18:45

did so ecstatic, I know, because of a

18:47

secret sort of pathetic person. Yeah, I mean,

18:49

it's sort of a humble brag, isn't it? I was

18:51

so gorgeous. No, no one was, no,

18:53

I was so short invited. I used to

18:55

wear really thick glasses. I'm minus 5.25 if

18:58

you've got any opticians and I know everyone's in IT,

19:01

but I am minus 5.25, which

19:03

is very, very bad. And

19:05

they had to put, because they sort of did me up

19:07

in these gloves and things for the shoot, they had to

19:11

put a piece of card either side of the lens because I

19:13

couldn't see. Right, so they say smile

19:15

and I go, and they go, over, over, over,

19:18

there we are, there, okay. And

19:20

then I think, and they go,

19:22

no, no, back a bit back up, so they just put, and they did

19:24

that all the time I was modeling, so I couldn't see what I was

19:26

doing. So you're, it's

19:28

essentially that sitcom trope where you're

19:31

a secretary of thick glasses and your hair tied up

19:33

and then you took out the glove. Yeah, tragic.

19:35

And then, and I tried to capitalize on

19:37

it and it didn't work at all. And I used

19:39

to do things that I'd not take, I'd not take

19:41

my glasses to castings and things, you know, where you

19:43

show your photos and all that. I'd not take my

19:45

glasses and just high on the

19:47

model, you know, do all that and then say, they'd

19:49

show them my book and they'd go, oh, yeah, oh,

19:51

yeah, oh, yeah, thanks so much. And I go out

19:54

through the broom cupboard. I

19:56

couldn't remember which door I'd come in, really

19:58

dreadful. And in the end, everyone knew me and I

20:01

used to arrive at work and they'd ring the

20:03

model agency saying we've got some terrible girl here,

20:06

really, really thick glasses, not very pretty.

20:09

And they could just put some makeup on her, she'll be fine. Very

20:12

much a before, I did lots of before and

20:14

afters. Yeah. Yeah. It's true though,

20:16

it's really sad. I know. So

20:18

I was made into a model. Yeah. It's

20:21

not really a humble brag because I was furious. You

20:23

know, seriously, it's a really boring job. It's

20:26

really dull, you just sit there and people come and

20:28

do things and they think, fuck, can we start now?

20:30

And then you must have travelled. And then you go

20:32

lunchtime, you've got to, for God's sake, you've not done

20:34

anything except sit here and have yourself pulled about. No,

20:36

I didn't travel anywhere because I was too short. I

20:39

didn't do bikinis. You met pop stars though. I did meet pop

20:41

stars. I'm married to one of those. You married a pop

20:43

star. Yeah. I

20:46

have doodled best. So you know how I

20:48

ran off. I know everything. I'm just trying to get it

20:50

out of you and then find extra stuff. You were nice but

20:52

you were quite scary. Yeah. Yeah.

20:55

Of course I know everything about you. So how did that? So

20:58

you were married to? Yeah. Well,

21:00

Midgeau cast me in a pop promo

21:03

he was making and he cast me

21:05

because he's not very tall. He's

21:07

not called Midge short for midget, by the way. I

21:09

feel I should say this. He's short for Midge because

21:11

he was in a band where there were two gyms

21:13

so they reversed his name to M-I-J. So that's

21:16

why it's called Midge, nothing to do with height. However,

21:21

he decided to cast me as

21:23

part of his girlfriend because I was the shortest model

21:25

in London, let's be honest. So

21:27

we turned off at the airport. You have to turn up with no

21:30

makeup and clean hair and all that. And I

21:32

did because I was professional. And all the other

21:34

girls who also bought their passports to go to

21:36

Sky, all the other girls had

21:39

full makeup on. So he took one look at

21:41

me and went, I'm not having her as my

21:43

girlfriend in this thing. So he swapped me on

21:45

the plane. By the time we got off the

21:47

plane they said there's been a change of cast

21:49

and you're going to be the keyboard player's girlfriend

21:51

and you, lovely, beautiful girl, you can be his

21:54

size furious. So

21:57

I sort of sat there sort of being interesting rather

21:59

than be... I thought that was a better plan. And

22:03

he quite liked me. And then I was

22:05

going to get married, and I popped in,

22:07

they said, come to the edit and see the thing, because

22:10

by the time you come back to the honeymoon, it'll all

22:12

be over. So I popped into the edit, and they had

22:14

the whole thing saying, I'm getting married in the morning. We

22:17

used Jeroboam, a big, big thing of champagne, and

22:19

those big jumbo, why would you want that? But

22:21

anyway, and I burst into tears, and I don't

22:23

really want to get married, I'm a bit scared. So

22:25

he said, run off with me, and I did.

22:28

Wow. I

22:30

know. And then we go through how brave. It

22:32

wasn't brave, it was ridiculous, and I was haunted

22:34

by it for years afterwards. Did you tell the

22:36

guy that you were going to marry about it, or did

22:39

you just turn up at the church? That was weird. Yeah,

22:41

I can't really, yeah. I

22:43

didn't know where I was, I got really drunk, and I

22:45

ended up in Bristol holiday, and I thought I was in

22:48

Ireland. And I phoned my parents, and they

22:50

went, where are you? We've tried

22:52

every hospital and thing, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

22:54

blah, blah, blah, blah. And I said, well, I'm

22:56

not coming. I know. Don't

22:58

do that. It's horrid. Don't do it. I think I had

23:00

a heart attack, I can't tell you. Bridesmaids

23:03

distraught. Yeah. Then my

23:05

parents froze the Volovons and served them to me

23:07

for many years later. I'm quite nice, wheelie. I

23:13

just was very drunk. Yeah. I think

23:16

that was the thing, yeah. Well, you know, it's better to find

23:18

out before the, when, you know, preferably a

23:20

bit longer before the wedding. And

23:22

you know, about six months ago, I found out that I'd

23:24

made the right decision. I

23:26

can't really say how obviously people are still alive

23:28

and well, but I had made the right decision

23:30

without knowing it. I'd actually say, Were you going to

23:32

marry Fred West? I was. Well done.

23:36

Got out of that. Maybe. Phew.

23:42

I don't know. So

23:44

you were with me around the time of live

23:46

age. Were you out live? I was, yes. No,

23:49

I was. I remember him ringing from the

23:51

train. He had a huge phone, obviously big

23:53

as a train, and he said, he'd just

23:55

done the tubes. You remember the tube with

23:57

Paulie Hays? Anyone under 45 is going to

23:59

find out. and it's the most boring part. There's

24:01

no 145 listening to that. In

24:03

the world, just so. That

24:06

guy, he's about 100 this guy. Yes, that's

24:08

fine. Nice, had to do with a nice

24:10

piece of old people. Lovely, we are still

24:12

alive, by the way. And

24:16

he rang to Newcastle and said, oh, there's a terrible

24:18

thing on the news. Have you seen it? And it

24:20

was Michael Burke's report. And he came

24:22

back and said, we're going to do something. Me

24:25

and Bob are going to do something. And then

24:27

he started writing this song. And then we had a

24:29

little recording studio in the bottom of the garden. And

24:32

we kept these messages on our arts machine saying,

24:34

oh, hi, it's Paul Wellahill. I can't come on

24:36

Friday. I'm going to be there. Oh,

24:39

hi, it's just Bono. And I was going, are

24:41

people pretending to be people and ringing up? No,

24:43

no, it's true. They're all coming to the studio.

24:45

So the day some of them came to do

24:47

a little bit of pre-recording, I was ironing very

24:49

much against the window going, oh my god, look

24:51

at that. All these people in the government. And

24:53

then I went to, I was at the actual

24:56

Band-Aid recording, which was amazing, because the only

24:58

people who were there were

25:00

me and Paula. And that

25:02

was quite a thing, because I knew

25:04

this was something huge. And I typed

25:06

up the words for the song.

25:08

And I have to say, it was going to say, there

25:11

won't be snow in Ethiopia this Christmas time. And

25:13

then people worked out that that didn't quite scan. So

25:16

I've got the actual, now people

25:18

are going to burgle my house, aren't they? But

25:20

I've got the actual thing with Ethiopia crossed out

25:23

in Africa, written in. I mean, there will

25:25

be snow in Africa, because Mount McElhem and

25:27

Jarrow is snowing all the year round.

25:30

So it was still incorrect. Yeah,

25:32

go on. Seth Popstar's done, they

25:34

don't have to know that sort of thing. I

25:36

mean, on the B side, if you've got it

25:38

at home, listen on the B side, because there's

25:40

all sorts of messages from assorted pop stars. And

25:43

we had to record them before they went home. Can

25:45

you just do a message for the children? I'm

25:48

not saying who, I'll tell you later. I'm

25:51

not saying who, but some people said, I hope

25:53

everyone in Ethiopia gets all the presents they want

25:55

for Christmas. So

25:58

we can put that bitch on. I'll tell you. later

26:00

than I'll just put it at

26:02

the end of the part I'm

26:05

gonna guess it was Simon Le Bon

26:09

okay that's not liable that's the opposite of

26:11

libel unless it's untrue in which

26:23

Simon Le Bon can say I did

26:25

say that and I'm suing you for

26:27

a million pounds because I am that

26:29

stupid but

26:32

he isn't that stupid we're saying that it was

26:34

one of the others Simon Bon is very nice

26:36

and everyone's jealous and she's mighty Yasmin Le Bon

26:38

who is gorgeous so I know what your beef

26:40

with him is good I love I

26:46

love Geran Geran couldn't get the

26:48

high notes could he but he was good in that

26:51

song actually he does get and when

26:54

you're having fun and anyone who does

26:56

anything at all would tell you a specific thing on the realm

26:58

not that no one's

27:04

really done a real takedown of the live-aid thing

27:06

I think it's time I'm

27:15

not really a very nice

27:17

person and we were the actual the big concert

27:19

live a concert yeah yeah I remember I

27:21

was wearing a terrible thing I look like a

27:24

deck chair it was awful you know you remember

27:26

things by what you're wearing I thought it was

27:28

like a big blue-white striped thing with shorts it's

27:30

like a short suit oh god I'm saying bad

27:33

but we went by helicopter that was very exciting

27:35

and then Princess Anna came sort of looked under

27:37

her fringe of everybody and shook hands and all

27:39

that and I remember someone making comment about pants

27:42

and her saying something like what makes you think I'm wearing

27:44

any and me

27:47

going you suck I didn't say that I

27:49

didn't say it out loud and I saw

27:51

she's a bit fruity all the

27:53

men hopeless like she had a real

27:56

something about her princess down as they

27:58

all adored her I

28:00

saw Princess Diana at Wimbledon, and I've told

28:02

this story a billion times, but I was

28:05

going out with Sally Phillips, you know, Sally at the

28:07

time. Her dad was the, he was

28:09

the next tennis champion, he was the deputy head

28:11

of Wimbledon. So we got quite

28:14

good seats, not that good, but we were quite close

28:16

to the Royal Bot, or to give her an official

28:18

title, the Princess of Wales. And

28:21

that joke used to go down a lot better before 1997, I

28:23

tell you, that used to kill people, and then

28:26

between 1997, 1999, 2000 people hated that joke. I

28:30

mean, I carried on doing it, because I thought, well, what's gone wrong

28:32

with her? And

28:35

there was a point where I was looking at her, and there

28:37

was this little, the little Prince William, he was all tiny and

28:39

had hair and everything. And

28:41

it was great. And I was looking at

28:44

her, and she must have sensed my eyes boring into her.

28:46

She turned round and looked at me through

28:48

her fringe, and I didn't know what to do. I

28:50

didn't know the Royal Protocol, so I just pulled a

28:52

stupid face. And she

28:54

sort of laughed, and everyone around me, Sally hadn't seen it,

28:56

everyone around me had seen it and was all laughing, and

28:58

I was all blushing, and it was quite sexy. I

29:01

was hoping she'd whisk me away. I mean, I was going out

29:03

with Sally, it would have been rude, but what

29:06

a story that would have been to Sally. I

29:08

do think my story was better. It was, well, you met her,

29:10

but I made her laugh. And she was talking about Pam. I made

29:12

her laugh. It might have been you she was looking at them.

29:14

Yeah, but it was me, she definitely should have looked me right

29:16

in the face, and she laughed. And I like to think, you know,

29:19

that was the one bit of happiness she got in that life.

29:22

At least just before she died, two or three years

29:24

before she died, she had that little moment of happiness,

29:27

probably as the life was ebbing away. I'd love to see

29:29

that guy again. I'd love to see that guy.

29:32

Still hanging onto her. Maybe, maybe, thought that. Makes you rest

29:34

in peace. She's

29:39

like, well, it's a lovely tribute, isn't it? They

29:44

should have had me at the funeral after,

29:46

after, after, after, after John. After John.

29:48

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yeah, well look, we're working through, which is fine. nice

32:00

we're going through the whole thing

32:02

because then you were on you're

32:05

on razzmatazz I was that was

32:07

my first job where I bluffed my way in saying channel

32:09

four about to give me my own series they weren't I

32:11

was just making that up and they said oh you can

32:13

come do something for us if you like and then they

32:15

sort of changed their mind and they sobered up these two

32:18

blokes I met at a party changed them I mean they

32:20

sobered up and said well you have to come to Newcastle

32:22

so I did and they said we have to come up

32:24

with your own idea so I did and they said

32:26

can you do that in the one and a half minutes we're going to give

32:29

you yes

32:31

and I basically did makeovers I

32:33

turned children into pop stars

32:36

by using net curtains and all that but I had

32:38

to speak so quickly to get it into a minute

32:40

and a half so that was

32:42

quite good fun and then Sarah Green was

32:44

watching that and Sarah Green then

32:46

said why don't we have her as our fashion

32:49

expert on Going Live, do you remember

32:51

Going Live? We were like yes it's real

32:53

it's real so I'm not making it up

32:55

and then I became the fashion expert and

32:57

I taught people how to jazz up their

32:59

jotters like put some lipstick

33:01

on and kiss it and then you've

33:03

got kiss marks on your jotter really

33:06

bad but they didn't mind and I said that

33:08

brussel never make it big and in a world's

33:10

right and then I did

33:12

Night Network crying to do people like

33:14

Dusty Springfield who is very nice and

33:17

and Belinda Curtis who's a

33:19

dentist who's Richard Curtis's sister okay

33:21

yeah I said you have to take precaution she said yes have

33:23

to put a condom on every finger and that

33:25

was very weird I know but she was funny at the time

33:28

I'm sorry I said that but

33:30

you know so yeah so then I did night night yeah

33:32

and I just sort of started being a TV presenter really.

33:35

Well TV centre and then you're an

33:37

actor as well you're in Riders and

33:39

God yeah I was Granny Pringle otherwise known as

33:41

Grab Your Wing Paul okay I

33:44

was a very good at that and you were in I mean I

33:46

didn't have to grab any you're in the TV series Fist of Fun

33:48

I was in the TV series Fist of Fun wasn't I? The

33:51

best thing about being in Fist of Fun is that

33:53

you because do you remember we did that Edinburgh show

33:55

well I know I did an

33:57

Edinburgh show yes and it went down quite well

34:00

And you came to see it once and then you couldn't believe,

34:02

you thought maybe that was a freak night. You came the next

34:04

night as well, just to check, it wasn't. And

34:06

it wasn't, it was still good that night too, wasn't

34:08

it? It was a very good show. Finding Mr

34:10

Giles, was it that show? You're looking for

34:12

Mr Giles. I interviewed men to be my

34:15

boyfriend, nobody passed. Well that might be why I kept

34:17

coming back, wouldn't it? But

34:20

you were in the flat upstairs, you and Stu were in

34:22

the flat upstairs, weren't you, from me? And

34:24

I remember going up and telling you about how they tried to give

34:26

me a gotcha, but I guessed it. And

34:28

once I'm on one, as you can tell, I don't really stop

34:30

talking. I've got ADHD, can you guess? I don't

34:33

know. And so I told you this

34:35

to a new institute, it was sort of backed up against

34:37

the wall, as I was telling the

34:39

story about guessing the gotcha. And then

34:41

I think you quite liked me out of desperation, so I went,

34:43

yes you're quite nice, I have to go back down to your

34:45

own flat now please. And

34:47

so, and then you very kindly invited me on

34:49

Fist of Fun, and I was so excited, I

34:52

thought, gosh, I'm in with the cool kids at

34:54

last. And I got the script and

34:56

they suggest we need you to turn up as yourself. I

34:58

seem to remember I had to knock on a door and

35:01

ask for something, is that right? It was a

35:03

sketch where it was a sketch about Jesus came to a guy

35:05

and said, I'm coming to your house to have a big feast

35:07

ready for me, and the guy gets the feast ready, and then

35:09

loads of people come to the door, but they aren't Jesus. Oh

35:12

yeah. He's an old bald man, and a woman

35:14

who's menstruating. Yes, and she had a notice

35:16

on her next night, I am menstruating. Bally. And

35:19

then at the end, Jesus turns up and goes, did you

35:21

not recognise me when I came? I was all those people,

35:24

and then Stuart, the man gets angry with him for making

35:26

him make a feast. And it

35:28

was the first of the Jesus sketches we did. We actually

35:30

had to edit it because it was a bit where Stuart

35:32

slapped Jesus in the face, and

35:34

they wouldn't let us, because he was going, ah, ah, which

35:36

is where this idea, if you remember that one, he slapped

35:38

in the face and we had to cut it. There's no

35:40

idea. But yes, you were... But the best thing for me

35:43

was getting the script through the... I've now got a script with

35:45

my name in it, and I went to my partner and it

35:47

said, Annika Rice. You

35:51

didn't know I knew that, did you? I think we were... You hadn't

35:53

changed it. She obviously said no. We had... So

35:55

you went down the A's? I

35:58

think David Badeer was our first... choice.

36:00

I mean really. Because we liked the idea of

36:02

David Vadil, it was like there was a line

36:04

saying David Vadil, there's all these people coming in,

36:06

it's David Vadil, he does a lot of work

36:09

for the disenfranchised and we just thought that was

36:11

funny because we couldn't imagine him doing anything for

36:13

the disenfranchised. Well I think with you

36:15

you can imagine you did do a lot of work

36:17

with the disenfranchised so it wasn't. I didn't because as

36:19

I've shown I'm not very nice. Yeah. So that was

36:22

Anne you wanted to do that radio? Anne on Richard not Judy. Yeah.

36:24

Did that with you. Yeah. Yes it was nice,

36:26

I was kind of your pet. And

36:29

then I don't know what happened. Well then you didn't

36:31

do TV things like that. That's what happened, I was

36:33

no longer on TV. I couldn't have you

36:35

on. You sort of failed in that career and so moved

36:37

on to, no you didn't, you went on to do sort

36:39

of proper stand-up and things like that. I didn't see it

36:41

but I couldn't have you in that could I Anne. No not really,

36:44

not really, no I know. So I had to go make my own

36:46

career for myself. You did, you did all right. Yeah

36:48

well I wrote books next. Yeah so you've

36:50

done everything, you've done a novelist, you wrote three

36:52

novels. I did, I know, isn't it mad. Well

36:54

do you know what, well I had Ted my son,

36:56

he's here somewhere so I can't be too rude although

36:58

it's never stopped me before. I had

37:01

Ted and I had to stay at home

37:03

because Ted was quite a handful should we

37:05

say, nightmare.

37:08

And so I thought well I couldn't be off on

37:10

location everywhere being glamorous. And so I thought right well

37:12

I need a job that I can do at home

37:14

and I thought I know I'll write a book. So

37:16

I had a shed in the bottom of my garden

37:19

and I wrote in there. As you know you wrote

37:21

one of your marketing. I wrote a play in your tent. You

37:23

did didn't you, it was a good one. I

37:25

thought it was good but it did do very well

37:27

so I'll blame you. Oh okay yeah sorry it's a

37:29

shed. My book on the other hand

37:31

number six in the best. So there we go.

37:33

But anyway so I wrote, so I thought well

37:35

I'll write a book and then Penguin picked it

37:38

up and then I did another one and another

37:40

one. It was amazing because all I was doing

37:42

really was finding a way to earn money and

37:44

stay at home. Yeah yeah that's quite lucky.

37:46

But if you've had this amazing career.

37:48

I'm very very lucky though. Yeah I mean

37:51

really you can count on me. I'm just lucky.

37:53

Well I don't think you can be like, you can't be

37:55

lucky again and again. There's a little bit of happenstance there

37:57

right at the beginning with the being in the right place.

38:00

I didn't know it was university or anything.

38:02

I've got no A levels. I've got four O levels. I

38:04

took maths and got an E and then took it again

38:06

and got a U. Do you know

38:09

what I mean? It's not like I'm really

38:11

clever, but also I'm driven by the need

38:13

to keep me and Ted and my daughter

38:15

Molly, who's now far too old. I

38:17

can't even say it. Do you know how

38:20

old she is? I do. Yeah. So,

38:23

you know, so I was sort of driven by

38:25

the need to feed them, really, because I couldn't

38:27

rely on anybody else to do that. So I

38:29

really had to sort of keep at it. And

38:31

I wanted to sort of be at home and

38:34

be able to be, you know, quite mean to

38:36

them. Yes. At

38:38

times, you know, because I don't think you should respect

38:40

children too much. I don't know why we do this

38:42

child worshipping thing. It's really bad. It's not worked out

38:45

well. We've got children that can't do anything now. Oh,

38:47

my mum will do it for me. You know, mine, do

38:49

it yourself or don't do it at all. Yeah.

38:52

And so you moved to Brighton. I moved

38:54

to Brighton because Brighton is a place

38:56

that has very good social care. And

38:59

Ted needed a bit of extra help here and there

39:01

because he was born with things. He won't mind me

39:03

saying stuff. Basically, he's a poster boy for it. A

39:06

thing called XYY syndrome, which means he's got an extra

39:08

Y chromosome. And so he needed a

39:10

bit of extra help, a bit of sort of autism,

39:12

bit of ADHD, bit of Asperger's, bit of all sorts

39:14

of things. And London is not good

39:16

for children. I don't really think London is very

39:18

good for stop myself. And I'd sort of slightly

39:21

lived that life. I brought up my daughter. I

39:23

was doing the same school run. I mean,

39:25

the traffic was a bit worse and

39:27

the teachers were a bit more jaded.

39:29

And I just thought, ah, so we

39:31

moved down here and down here in

39:33

Brighton, there is the most amazing organisation

39:36

called Amaze, which looks after, yay, which

39:38

looks after parents of children with special

39:40

needs who need looking after more than

39:42

children, I'd say. And,

39:44

you know, and I was really

39:46

helped. I needed help. And Brighton's

39:48

very, very good with its disenfranchise.

39:50

We look after our own. And

39:52

I'm really, really proud to live

39:55

here. I love Brighton and so thankful

39:57

to Brighton because it's held us. You

39:59

know, it's not just a Being a single parent

40:01

is the most awful thing. It's

40:03

awful. It's boring, it's hard, it's

40:05

tiring and it's senseless, especially

40:07

with ungrateful retches like mine. And

40:12

it's just a joy living here

40:14

because well, well, Spales, there's the sea.

40:16

You know, we've got the sea.

40:18

We see the sea every day. It's beautiful. You put

40:20

it in a little raft and push them out. Exactly.

40:23

Drown the fucker, that's what I say. Fine.

40:26

Can they bump into a burning pier? Yeah,

40:29

with any luck, I'd set him on fire, you

40:31

know, that sort of thing. Yeah. So

40:33

I moved here because I just, I

40:35

wanted some sky, you know, the space and the

40:37

sky and the people were lovely. I was looking

40:39

around a couple of houses before I moved here

40:41

just to see what I could afford, etc. And

40:44

I came out and someone was fiddling with my

40:46

car. And I said, excuse me, can I help

40:48

you? And this man said, yeah, there's a

40:50

traffic warden around the corner. So I was just putting a ticket

40:52

on your car for you. I thought,

40:54

oh my God, I have to live here for

40:56

men who like this. Never found another one like

40:59

that. But you know, it was a nice idea.

41:01

Yeah, that everyone is really nice here. I mean,

41:03

we all chat to each other and we're quite

41:05

simple. Yeah. You know, we

41:10

like weirdos. We embrace weirdos. As

41:12

a man goes past my window every day on a penny

41:14

father. I

41:17

mean, you know, I live in Kemptown, obviously,

41:19

and everyone's completely mad, but I like that.

41:21

I don't want to live in, you know,

41:23

waitrose. No, no offense to

41:25

waitrose. I love waitrose. Send me vouchers. Yeah. You

41:27

know, yeah, you know, I don't want to live

41:29

in a normal place. I like living in a

41:31

castle. So do bits of pieces of telly and things

41:34

as well. I mean, you work as a therapist. Is

41:36

that your main job now? Yeah, I did. Well, telly

41:38

sorta gave me up because I took I bought

41:40

a house and I did it up and Ted

41:42

was going off the rails. He won't mind me

41:44

saying right off the rails. And

41:46

so Ted was going off the rails. And so I

41:48

thought I really need to just focus on him for

41:50

a couple of years. So I did up this house

41:53

and sold it for much more money than it was

41:55

worth, to be quite honest. I hope they're not in

41:57

anyway. And bought a smaller

41:59

house. And then really focused on Ted.

42:01

And Ted is now a really lovely young man.

42:03

I'm not just saying that because he's here. You

42:07

know, big. But you

42:09

know, he is really lovely. I said really focused on

42:11

him. And then I thought, right, well, I'll just go

42:13

back to TV. So I rang up TV and said,

42:15

hi. Annabelle Giles said, ready to come back. And they

42:17

went, who? And I said, I

42:19

said, I'm Annabelle Giles. And they said, we'd never heard of you because

42:21

of course everyone's 10 in TV, aren't they? They're

42:24

literally teenagers or it's half term or something.

42:26

But you know, I've got children older than

42:28

people in charge of TV now. So

42:31

I said, yes, I'm really sorry. I haven't really

42:33

got any, you know, I haven't done anything for

42:35

about 10 years because I've been writing books. And

42:37

they went, no, no, we don't really read books.

42:40

We're TV. So

42:42

I thought, I'm not going to be able to, you know.

42:44

And we've just ran out of money, of course. We ran

42:46

out of everything. So I had to

42:48

go on benefits in order to survive and

42:50

things. And I really learned what

42:52

it's like to be prickly poor and

42:54

desperate. And I got very depressed. It

42:57

was very, very, very difficult

43:00

time, but I survived. And

43:02

I thought, TV doesn't want someone

43:04

like me going, you know, we can

43:06

do whatever. It didn't at that time anyway. And

43:09

I thought, I really need to do something a little

43:11

bit more useful because I'd learned how

43:13

to survive. I'd gone from the opposite. I

43:16

went from riches to rags. And

43:18

I learned how to survive that. And I thought

43:20

I should really be passing this on or helping

43:22

other people because it is possible. It's not very

43:25

nice, but it's possible. And

43:28

so I thought, I know, I'm also getting

43:30

very old because I'm 60 now. And

43:33

I thought, unbelievable. Unbelievable, that's so sweet of you. I

43:35

say that because you're 52. And that's

43:37

just unbelievable, isn't it? It's all just hair.

43:39

And it's amazing. So,

43:41

you know, look, tousled 52-year-old Richard Herr. So

43:47

I thought, what I need to do is a job that I can do

43:49

sitting down. And

43:51

a job that no one will stop me doing unless I go bonkers,

43:53

in which case I shouldn't really be doing a job at all. And

43:55

someone could at last put me in a home. I can't wait.

43:59

So why don't you... I do something that would

44:01

help a lot. So I decided I'd trained

44:03

to be a therapist. And I've had enough

44:05

therapy in my life, my God. For years

44:07

and years and years, I've been going religiously

44:09

to talk about myself and pay

44:11

someone to listen. And so

44:13

I just thought, well, why don't I see what I

44:15

can do? And so I've now been doing it about

44:17

three years or something. I don't know. Longer

44:20

than that, because I had to, anyway, whatever. And

44:22

I've got a really lovely load of

44:24

clients who some come in and go

44:26

very quickly and some stay for a

44:28

long time. And I'm slightly unconvention.

44:30

I'm not a therapist who sits

44:32

and nods. Goes, I

44:35

don't do that. I just chip in. In fact, I

44:37

probably do more talking than them. I

44:40

don't know why anyone would think that was true. And

44:44

yeah, and I like it. I really like

44:46

it. It's quite a tough job, though. It's

44:49

quite hard, because all I hear is pain

44:51

and difficulty and horror and damage that

44:53

people do and the horrible things people

44:55

say. And they come in and go,

44:57

oh, God. And I go, hi. Come

45:00

in, sit down. You know, but it's nice to

45:02

be able to. I mean,

45:04

what I do is we kind of do it

45:06

with a bit of humour. I know I'm not

45:08

that funny, but I find if you

45:10

make someone laugh, I go, well, that's because they go,

45:12

oh, God, yeah. It's quite

45:14

a good tool to do. And

45:16

I'm slightly sort of unconventional. And

45:18

we draw pictures and we sort

45:20

of mess about. But

45:23

it seems to work and people seem to quite like

45:25

it. I think people are depressed. You can go, well,

45:28

I had to eat a kangaroo's anus in the jungle.

45:30

Exactly. So your life's not that bad, is it? I'll

45:32

tell you what I've eaten. Exactly. I think your husband's

45:34

bad. You know what I mean? I

45:36

mean, sometimes I think, oh, God, I just leave him.

45:39

But mostly, I just think, I know it's

45:41

nice to be steep, but I got really stuck.

45:44

I was stuck at home on my own, especially as a child.

45:46

No money, no nothing. And I

45:48

thought, I'm sure I was supposed to be glamorous and

45:50

exciting. And I was a model and all that. And

45:54

I didn't really have anything. And

45:56

I felt really stuck. And I thought, there's got to be a

45:59

way out. out and knowledge is

46:01

power. That's the way you do it. You find

46:03

out stuff and then you try

46:05

it and then you get a bit brave and you take

46:07

a tiny step and then another tiny step and then

46:09

before you know it you've done three steps and so on

46:12

and so on. And you know what? Most of the time

46:14

my clients, all they want is to be

46:16

loved. Most people, that's all we want isn't

46:18

it? Just want a bit of love. And

46:20

if for an hour they get me going, but I think

46:22

you're brilliant. That's not all I do.

46:24

But you know what I mean? But if that's all

46:27

people want and it helps them have the strength to

46:29

go and do something else, then good. We should all

46:31

be doing that really. So if there was a guy

46:33

who came to you and he decided to try and clear

46:35

all the stones off a massive field and he did now

46:38

and realised that was quite a big thing to try and do

46:40

and he was trying to do it secretly so no one knew,

46:42

what would you, what

46:44

advice would you give that guy? I'd refer him on immediately.

46:46

I'd say I think you need

46:48

to go and see a psychoanalyst because they just let you

46:50

talk. They don't interfere. Well I just do the

46:53

talking anyway. I just talk into the

46:55

podcast. So I'm a psychoanalyst and I'm

46:57

analysing myself. So that's fine. So you did the jungle,

46:59

you were in the jungle, in and out of the

47:01

jungle. I was shit on the jungle. I really was one

47:03

of the worst people I've ever had. I

47:06

mean I wasn't even really screaming properly. You

47:08

know what? I was in a really bad

47:10

place. It was during those years and suddenly

47:12

I think, oh God I just want a

47:14

gift from heaven to get me out of

47:16

this. And suddenly I get offered the pipe

47:18

loss money to go into the jungle. I

47:20

will do anything. So off I go. But

47:23

I was already, you know, when you're not

47:25

mentally having a good day, I had

47:27

a bad year and then I think I know

47:29

I'll go and eat a kangaroo's anus for money.

47:32

And I can't recommend that. But

47:36

you know, I, yeah, it was, it

47:38

was, it's much harder than it looked for jungle

47:40

by the way. It really is. You

47:42

know, it's, there are men dressed as

47:45

trees to stop you escaping. There's all

47:47

sorts of funny things. All the water you have

47:49

to boil, you only get one nice, there's no

47:51

salt and pepper. I now drink hot water instead

47:53

of tea because I got so used to it.

47:56

It's very comforting drinking hot water and I got

47:58

really used to it. It's also money saving

48:00

exercise. How long were you

48:02

in there? I was last in first

48:05

act, rubbish, completely rubbish. And also, well,

48:07

the jungler's popularity contest, doesn't it? You

48:09

vote to keep people in. So

48:11

if I was in with Joey Essex, and he had 1.1 million followers

48:15

on Twitter at the time, and I had something like 6,000,

48:18

so I was first act, nobody voted to keep me

48:20

in. I think you get out rid of people

48:22

that you kind of keep the people

48:24

you don't like in as well. So if you're in the middle,

48:26

I think, you want to go, I want that person to stay

48:29

in so they can eat more kangaroo aint.

48:31

Yeah, I mean, Joey Essex was given everything to do.

48:33

He's lovely, by the way. I know you all want to

48:35

know. He is really lovely. And

48:38

he's just not stupid at all,

48:40

thousands of millions of billion pounds

48:42

he's made out of being just

48:44

a bloke, basically. He's

48:46

uneducated, and people think that's a terrible

48:48

thing to be, but actually, he's done

48:50

much better than most people I know

48:53

who've had all sorts of education. So

48:55

he's a lovely boy. I like him. And

48:57

I saw you. I saw a clip. I didn't see

48:59

this show, but you're on another reality show based on

49:01

Shirley Valentine. Oh, yes. Shirley Valentine. I've

49:04

seen Shirley Valentine. Oh, it was lovely. Yes, it was

49:06

supposed to be eight women

49:08

go to a Greek island and change their

49:10

lives. And what they

49:12

didn't remember was that Shirley Valentine wasn't

49:15

single. She had a husband, but we

49:17

all had to be single. So I went

49:19

with seven other women, and they

49:21

made us go on dates. And then they started

49:23

saying it was the older person's love island, which

49:25

was just a pit. And

49:27

I went on a date with possibly the

49:29

most boring man in the universe who I

49:32

couldn't understand anything he was saying. It's very sweet.

49:34

I had to do speed dating. So I did

49:36

a terrible thing where a young man, much younger

49:39

than the rest of them, sat down. And

49:41

I said, oh, hello. You look very young. Do you still

49:43

live with your mother? And he went, no, my mother's dead.

49:45

I went, oh, I'm so

49:48

sorry. And then his phone went.

49:50

So I thought, hang on. You're on a speed

49:52

date with me, and you'll take

49:54

your phone call. So he goes, hello. I

49:58

said, is that your mom? He went, no, she's dead. And

50:02

then I said, that's a nice shirt, did your mum pick

50:04

it out? I don't know what's the matter with her,

50:06

I couldn't leave it alone. She's dead. Before

50:10

she died, she kept picking it up on

50:12

her deathbed, like, wear this for me all

50:14

the day with a TV. I

50:17

know, it was really terrible. I

50:19

just kept asking him about his dead mother. And

50:21

they only showed, I mean, there's a little clip

50:24

on my Twitter profile thing that shows it,

50:26

but they only showed half of it. I just

50:28

went on and on and on, it was awful.

50:31

But I didn't really like speed dating, I don't like that sort

50:33

of thing. No, I

50:35

just don't really, you know, I get all bit sort of

50:37

cross. Well, it's sort of weird, it's weird. It's

50:40

very strange, I prefer God's dating agency

50:42

or whoever's in charge. I was just waiting

50:45

for old age pensioners. Well,

50:47

I thought I was the funeral director, a lady funeral

50:49

director to get all the nice widowers. Yeah. Mainly

50:53

the men die first, though, so you'd have to

50:55

get them with those. Yeah, no, it's not a

50:57

bad plan, isn't it? No. So,

51:00

yes, so that's so, so, yes, and I have done quite

51:02

a lot, but I am quite old. And if you're quite

51:04

old, you've done quite a lot. Well, not, but

51:06

most people, you know, a lot of people will have

51:08

a little flash in the pan and then that's it.

51:10

I think anybody who manages to keep going in a

51:13

career, and you know, you've had a family, you know,

51:15

two families really as well. Yeah. So

51:18

it's awful children. Awful children. Both are

51:21

children, they're both children. I

51:23

met your daughter in a bar, yeah. Oh, yeah,

51:25

that'd be it. Because I'd seen her when she,

51:27

you know, I'd met her at your house, and

51:29

then I met her as an adult, but she's

51:32

very nice. She's very nice, yeah. She

51:34

runs her own stage at the Isle of Wight Festival.

51:37

Yeah. I mean, you know, she's a proper grown-up

51:39

and everything. And Ted's just being

51:41

a games designer, computer games designer, so that's

51:43

really good. It's crazy, it's crazy

51:45

that kids grow up and become adults, and then they're

51:47

adults. It's awful, really. I prefer them. Well, I

51:49

don't know, because if they're babies, you've got to look

51:52

after them, that's quite boring. And

51:54

then I don't like it when you start being a bit cheeky, and

51:56

they suddenly realise you don't know everything

51:58

after all. I don't like that. Yeah,

52:00

I think that's wrong. That's been my daughter since

52:02

the start, to be honest. So let's ask you

52:05

some emergency questions before we do some backstage. Before

52:07

we go, I want to know, and I don't

52:09

know, this is at my test to find out

52:12

whether my, whether the guest

52:14

is mental or not, basically. I

52:17

don't know. I don't know what you're going to answer to this,

52:19

so we'll find out. Have you ever seen a ghost on the

52:21

Beldhals? I've

52:24

never seen a ghost. Have I ever seen a

52:26

ghost? No, but I felt

52:28

them. Is that not very... That's

52:30

all right. I'm not Sarah Kokora, is that what you're

52:32

asking? Well, everyone sees ghosts. Yeah,

52:34

no, I haven't seen one, but I feel that

52:36

if I only walk into a building, that's a group

52:38

of a ghost. That's a very weird thing to be...

52:41

What's the note? What if it's a

52:43

girl ghost? You can do that. Oh, God. Weirdo. No,

52:48

but I did a series on Stately

52:50

Homes for Richard and Judy, which I wanted to

52:52

call Jars' Piles, but they wouldn't let

52:55

me. They called it

52:57

Homes, Stately Home. How boring is that? So, anyway, so

52:59

I did it, and there were quite a few Stately

53:01

Homes, so I'd go in and go, ooh, you know,

53:03

it's cold here and all that. But, I mean, I

53:06

don't see why ghosts always live in Stately Homes. And

53:08

it's not cold, you know, it's cold in places,

53:10

it's cold. It's not just a ghost, it's cold,

53:12

that's not always a ghost. Colder than the rest

53:14

of the house. Sometimes it's winter time. And

53:17

some rooms are colder than others. Richard

53:20

Wiseman did a thing where he found out a lot of ghosts were in

53:22

a place where the draft came through. So

53:27

you sense a change in the room, and

53:29

that's what you're sensing, and then your

53:32

senses create stuff around there. But you can

53:34

walk into a house, can't you, and go, oh, no, don't really

53:36

like it. Do you know what I mean? There's a feeling in

53:38

the bricks. I'm a

53:40

little bit mental, but yeah. Oh, I am

53:42

mad. Okay, good. I don't mind,

53:44

but I'm not Derek Okora. That is good, though, because

53:46

I'm not throwing feathers around. We'll go for

53:48

a random one. Those are the ones backstage we've got

53:50

very heavy. What

53:54

do you consider the biggest waste of time from your

53:56

life thus far? Annabelle.

54:01

How tempting is that? It was just asking

54:03

me to say this. I'm not going to. The

54:05

biggest waste of time, well I

54:08

often, because now that you know when you're old

54:10

you suddenly get a bit of wisdom don't you,

54:12

which is wasted completely because nobody listens

54:14

to anything you say anymore because you're old. But

54:17

I think the biggest waste of time

54:19

is trying to impress people rather

54:21

than trying to impress myself. Do

54:24

you know what I mean? I'd give it up. Do

54:26

you know what I mean? Just you've got a big

54:28

car well done. Actually I've got a

54:31

tiny little car and it costs nothing to run. It's

54:33

really exciting and nobody ever thinks I'm speeding though I

54:35

have got quite a few points. But do you know

54:38

to me rather I don't need a big BMW, I

54:40

want a little tiny car, a little buzzy one that's

54:42

cheaper and I can spend money on shoes instead. I

54:45

found I went through life going yeah I'm going to

54:49

be really impressed, I'm going to be really impressed. Then

54:51

I went actually there's nothing to impress about me at

54:53

all and then I'm just going to be normal. It's

54:56

not wasting time trying to impress people.

54:58

Is that a good answer or not

55:00

really? Am I still mental? Yeah.

55:02

We only have mental people

55:04

on this show. Oh right okay good. That's

55:07

a good thing. Because everybody works

55:09

in cheer business. Apart from me I'm

55:11

normal. I'm just

55:13

thinking I wonder if any of my parents are going

55:16

to hear this. Yeah. God. Yeah

55:18

we can take that out. You've stood for the mental. No

55:20

you can take everything. No do you know what they don't

55:22

know that I used

55:26

to have this because I see a lot

55:29

of much younger people and they don't

55:31

know that I used to have this funny

55:33

job and they get you know what

55:35

I was doing the ironing the other day

55:37

and I thought what's my voice at

55:39

my therapist and I'm on the telly. She

55:41

came on the telly talk about the

55:43

1970s or something 80s sorry. Change it's

55:46

really weird they don't mind and all the other therapists

55:48

think I get lots of clients because I'm famous but

55:50

actually people don't want to come and talk to

55:52

me saying no to me already. That's not very good is it?

55:56

Definitely definitely. You should be

55:58

back. on the TV

56:00

not even doing funny things. It's

56:02

quite good fun being on TV, isn't it?

56:04

While it's still with us. Well,

56:07

you mentioned the Gotcha. You're the only person in

56:10

that. Well, hey, the fact that Noel Edmonds selected

56:12

you for a Gotcha sort of shows, you know.

56:14

I mean, a lot of people who did those

56:16

are in prison now, but you're

56:18

not. Not yet, no.

56:23

I kind of, I was thinking the other day

56:25

on a walk, I wonder if like Noel Edmonds popped

56:27

up in DLT's prison cell and went, Gotcha, you're the

56:29

guy, man. It's

56:34

quite a good one, isn't it? If that was the EPA, it's

56:36

playing the long game. Would

56:40

DLT be happy or angry? Oh, yeah, I'm not.

56:42

Oh, shit, I've been in prison. I

56:44

don't think he's in prison anymore. I think he

56:46

was. He's a Harry Corn play. Yeah, yeah, he's

56:48

been in prison, yeah. I was also thinking because,

56:50

you know, I've forgotten

56:53

her name, but the Philippines leader

56:55

who was... Anodomarkon. No, no, she was in prison for a

56:57

long time. Hengsu... Hengsu...

57:00

Oh, God, I forgot. She was in prison for a long

57:02

time, she got through it by listening to DLT. Did

57:05

she return the... It's what? Ansan

57:07

Sushi. That's it, yeah. Ansan Sushi.

57:10

Yeah, racist. But

57:12

just shouting out things like that. I

57:15

think that was her name, you're right. But has she

57:17

returned the favour? Is she doing it all? I think

57:20

she's back in prison there. Anyway, she

57:22

might be dead. We'll

57:25

probably cut this out. Yeah, cut that return. Yeah,

57:27

we might be on dodgy ground here. I'd

57:30

only be slighted with that kind of thing. Well,

57:32

yeah, well, A, you were done for a gotcha, but

57:34

B, you saw through the gotcha straight away. I watched

57:36

it the other day. Oh, did you? Yeah. And

57:39

so you noticed the camera in the car. Well, yeah.

57:41

It was quite a poor gotcha if you hadn't noticed the camera, I think. Well,

57:44

no, there was no... The camera

57:46

was in a little... You know Magic Markers? Well,

57:48

the middle of the Magic Marker, I just saw

57:50

this little sort of funny blue purpley light thing.

57:52

It wasn't a light though, it was a camera

57:54

lens, a tiny lens. But it was the

57:56

way the guy got out of the car and said, oh,

57:58

I'm just going to go and have a word. over there and

58:00

I thought what about? We're on the well-weight somewhere

58:03

and he took his jacket off so

58:05

I got to put my jacket in the boot and I

58:07

thought well okay why are you telling me? He doesn't really

58:09

know and then he he lifted up the boot and there's

58:11

a little bit of sort of fiddling about in there and

58:14

I thought wonder what he's doing and then I looked

58:16

around and I just saw this little hollowed

58:18

out magic marker and then I thought no I'm

58:21

imagining this and then I looked at because I

58:23

was in the passenger oh in the back seat

58:25

obviously and they have those sort of things you're

58:27

supposed to hang suits on if you're a bloke,

58:29

dry cleaning thing and there's a

58:31

little microphone on there and I went and then

58:33

as I spotted the microphone little red van drew

58:35

up and I went oh

58:37

no hello comms because

58:39

I'd just done a series of bloody

58:42

BBC with cameras in the car and

58:44

that was the BBC comms

58:46

then. Hello comms

58:48

and they went shooting off and I went

58:51

oh god I've blown it because I

58:53

know how much these things cost. I don't know I've blown

58:55

the whole thing I'll tell you what I'll give you

58:57

two versions I'll give you one where I'm going along

58:59

with it and one where I know but you don't

59:01

know that I know so don't tell the driver and

59:04

then I thought if this isn't true

59:06

then I'm just going to be completely mad. I'm

59:08

just saying that to the inside of a car

59:10

and yeah and the driver came back

59:13

and he didn't know and they oh god and it

59:15

got really complicated so I couldn't remember which version. We

59:18

had pink silage coming out of farmers and all

59:20

that was all very odd and aliens in the back.

59:22

No lemons as an alien in the back seat. And

59:25

it was clearly Noel Edmonds talking as well he does

59:27

that kind of Noel Edmonds false words. What I didn't

59:29

like about it was because you beat him and

59:31

he was clearly put out by that. Yeah he

59:33

was actually very cross. They ended the episode by

59:36

putting you on a kind of ghost train where

59:38

you just got gunged. Yeah gunged and ruined

59:40

my boots which are my favorite boots.

59:42

Yeah ruined. So do you know that was do you

59:44

know the gunging? No I was expecting two gotchas

59:46

I thought it was really clever to have guessed

59:49

it but they were absolutely soothing but I gave

59:51

them a whole thing to show. Yeah. I could

59:53

have just gone well and I've guessed it's pointless

59:55

together but I didn't I gave them

59:57

two versions. You know in a way you're lucky you just came out. guns,

1:00:00

people have come off a lot worse.

1:00:05

I'm an old Lebman, something they put in. You

1:00:07

know, get in the 1P box, get

1:00:10

in the 1P box, that's what I was talking

1:00:15

about. We're nearly done, Anne-Arélle, but I'm going to

1:00:17

ask you another motion question. It's been really good,

1:00:19

thank you very much. Has it ever talked too

1:00:21

much though? No, it's not possible to talk too

1:00:23

much. And I've had

1:00:25

Brian Blessed on this podcast. Oh well, yeah. It's

1:00:28

been fine, I've managed to say some stuff, it's been nice.

1:00:31

This is a motion question I've been asking quite a

1:00:34

lot recently, which

1:00:36

actually, if you're listening at home, is in the

1:00:38

summer, which is if you

1:00:40

could take one item from an art gallery or museum

1:00:43

and take it home and keep it, any art gallery

1:00:45

or museum in the world, any painting or any artefact

1:00:47

or anything in a museum, and you're allowed to keep

1:00:49

it, because I think you should be allowed to. On

1:00:52

every video, I think you should be allowed to just pick one

1:00:54

thing. I know, it's a flawed

1:00:56

system, but it'd be nice to have the stuff, wouldn't it?

1:00:59

Yeah. Is there anything you'd like

1:01:01

to take home with you from a museum or art gallery? Oh,

1:01:03

oh God. Now, if you thought you could

1:01:06

like me, this is going to really stop

1:01:08

all that from happening. It's going to really

1:01:10

hate me now. I would take those bricks,

1:01:12

do you remember those bricks that someone threw

1:01:14

paint over, because they were an art installation,

1:01:16

they were 144 bricks or something. I take

1:01:18

those and donate them to somewhere that's building

1:01:20

houses for... I would, for,

1:01:22

you know, homeless people or something like

1:01:24

that. I think that's much better use

1:01:26

of a brick. I've

1:01:29

got no time for that sort of idiotic. You

1:01:31

could sell the artwork and give the money

1:01:33

to the poor children. I'd

1:01:36

rather destroy it. No, because then it still exists

1:01:38

as a sort of frippery and a pointless piece

1:01:40

of wankery. You know, I'd

1:01:43

much rather just donate it

1:01:45

to some housing association or something.

1:01:47

Someone took that gold toilet, didn't they? The week we

1:01:49

were recording this, there was a gold toilet, the Blenheim

1:01:51

Palace, was it? I think it was Blenheim. And

1:01:53

there was, I think it was an art installation. I don't

1:01:55

think Winston Churchill said, I've got to have a solid gold

1:01:58

toilet. stolen,

1:02:00

someone's come in and I think the whatever

1:02:02

it is, the Duke of that place said, you

1:02:04

know, we take some, it'd be quite difficult to

1:02:06

steal this and then they have some, it's worth

1:02:08

like £4.3 million or something. It's solid gold, so

1:02:10

someone's got away, you can't think, you know, fair

1:02:12

enough. I don't think we've got the money for

1:02:15

all that nonsense at the moment. I think we're

1:02:17

all trying to survive, you know, and

1:02:19

I think to spend that much money on a loosey

1:02:21

does a terrible... No, it's the whole loo. The

1:02:23

whole loo. Well, that's disgusting. Sorry. I

1:02:25

think it's a work

1:02:27

of art, it's saying, you know, imagine if a toilet was

1:02:29

made of gold, that's probably it, isn't it? That's probably the

1:02:31

point of that. Imagine, well, that'd be like, I mean, it'd

1:02:33

be a waste of gold, wouldn't it, really? No, it'd

1:02:36

be poo on the nip. Well, it

1:02:38

works, it's a working toilet. Now

1:02:41

you've said that, I would quite like to poo. Did

1:02:44

you do a poo in a gold loo? Yeah.

1:02:46

Did it flush, though? Yeah, I think so. Well, I think

1:02:49

otherwise there's your poo in there as well. That

1:02:51

would take the value down, I would

1:02:54

have thought. I think my poo might lift, though,

1:02:56

it might take time. Yeah, gold

1:02:58

loo is Richard Haring's poo, item

1:03:01

147B. Yeah. No, no,

1:03:03

no. You see, I just, I don't know,

1:03:05

the minute, I think we're all in crisis

1:03:07

and emergency and we need to stop fucking

1:03:09

about and actually look after each other before

1:03:12

things get any worse. Yeah. So I think gold,

1:03:14

solid gold loos that are worth millions of pounds

1:03:16

are just a waste of money. I know

1:03:18

that makes me sound really grim. But I

1:03:21

can't, you know, I can't, I can't bear

1:03:23

to think of people being very rich or

1:03:25

very poor and nobody being able

1:03:27

to exist in between and help the others. Well,

1:03:30

people listen to home of being Brexit,

1:03:32

middle of Brexit, no deal Brexit at

1:03:34

the moment. It's December at home.

1:03:38

People are home in December, imagine what the

1:03:40

parable was. Most of you are dead now.

1:03:42

That's, that's, that's, that's,

1:03:44

they're listening to the laughter of the dead and

1:03:47

they're laughing. Because we are laughing at their own

1:03:49

deaths. I mean, that's, that's art there. That is

1:03:51

art. I've just created art there. It's in the

1:03:53

life because we're pre-Brexit. If you do die, if

1:03:55

you feel yourself dying because of Brexit, do email

1:03:58

me. Let me know if you're, if you're. your

1:04:00

husband were to die, just email, and say, it's quite sad

1:04:02

he's died, but it's funny because of what he says. And

1:04:06

I'll do a tribute to him at the end of

1:04:09

that. Presuming I'm not also dead, I could also be

1:04:11

dead. One

1:04:13

in two, it's like the, I

1:04:15

think it's one in 10. So, that

1:04:17

guy. All

1:04:20

right. Great

1:04:22

compliment. I'm very sorry, I've been quite grim, haven't

1:04:24

I? I'm sorry. I've been grim. That's all this,

1:04:27

you've been very funny. I feel a

1:04:29

bit grim. Well, you've been a bit funny. I was just

1:04:31

saying, how's 10? Would you rather get me up? Also interesting.

1:04:33

Do you do or something? I could get me on another

1:04:35

one. You can come back another time. No good, okay. Yeah.

1:04:38

You wanna come as a client? I think you should. I

1:04:40

think I'm, well, I was hoping, you know. I'm

1:04:43

paying you to do this. I should've got a bit more out

1:04:45

of it. I think you're, I feel just as mad as I

1:04:47

was at the start. Yeah, that's why

1:04:49

they come back, they think they will get better one

1:04:51

day. Well, I'm reasonably happy. The

1:04:54

only thing I'd like to be is young again, but you can't do

1:04:56

that. You can't do anything about that. Not

1:04:58

now. Oh no, no, no. I see people under 30

1:05:01

and they have such a hard time of it. I

1:05:03

had someone come, a young man come the other day who

1:05:05

had parents who got on well together

1:05:08

and he had a great job and he had

1:05:10

a girlfriend and he had, you know, family were

1:05:12

really good and he earned everything. And he come

1:05:14

because he had anxiety and

1:05:16

that's because he didn't realize that it's okay

1:05:18

to feel a little bit worried sometimes because

1:05:21

they honestly believe that they have to feel

1:05:23

brilliant all the time. That's

1:05:25

a bad world. Yes,

1:05:27

yeah. So, you know.

1:05:29

Yeah, well, that's a real bummer to end on. All

1:05:32

right, back down. That's it. Like

1:05:36

it and bring your mad friend of yours. And I

1:05:38

love you all. Come

1:05:40

closer, thank you very much. Come

1:05:43

back next week. Come back next week. We'll

1:05:45

be another one next week. Thank

1:05:47

you. How's

1:06:05

you like them

1:06:08

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1:08:04

for listening to that. Go and listen to another one, one

1:08:06

of mine preferably, but any podcast is

1:08:08

good. That's what I say, they're all good.

1:08:11

Remember richterring.com/newsletters if you want to get a

1:08:13

chance to win some prizes and early news

1:08:15

of my upcoming tour of some kind. I

1:08:17

wonder what it could be. And

1:08:20

also gofastforstripe.com for all your Richard

1:08:23

Herring needs. Tickets to my tour

1:08:25

are a great Christmas gift for

1:08:28

your friends and family, especially

1:08:30

ones who don't know who

1:08:32

I am. richterring.com/rehulist upper richterring.com

1:08:34

for the upcoming tour which

1:08:37

will be announced very soon. Okay, love you guys.

1:08:39

Take care. Listen to another one. Bye.