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Hey my fine friends, welcome to

0:02

the rehalestopper feed powered by a

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cast plus Thanks for listening and

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downloading my beautiful podcasts Look,

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you know, there's a rehalestopper tour the

0:11

tickets to that in January February March

0:13

will make fantastic Christmas gifts richterian.com Slash

0:17

rehalestopper, but I am also Going

0:20

to go on tour Excuse

0:22

me Phoebe

0:26

is not gonna be there With

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my can I have my ball back

0:30

tour is my first stand-up show in

0:32

six years If you go to rich

0:35

Terry comm slash gigs or rich herring

0:37

comm slash ball back slash tour You

0:39

can see all the dates and all the links and

0:42

from Friday at 10 a.m You can book tickets to

0:44

most of those gigs. There are some that where the

0:46

tickets won't be available for a little while Please

0:49

do come along I'm

0:51

going to some godforsaken places like

0:54

Basingstoke and Barnard Castle

0:57

I'm not gonna do the joke and Scarborough

0:59

it's gonna be a long Cold

1:02

night of the soul and very lonely

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for big swathes of this tour unless

1:07

you come along So Richard herring comm

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slash gigs would love to see you

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there. Please support me if you can

1:13

I'm so excited about getting getting back

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and doing a full stand-up show. Anyway,

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single download helps us make more podcasts.

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What a wonderful system. It's

2:52

called symbiosis, my friends. You get free podcasts

2:54

and I make more podcasts until I am

2:57

dead. Now this is, I don't know if

2:59

we can really call this a retro rehearsal,

3:01

but I think we will, but it's a

3:04

very special one. The guest is the greatest

3:07

comedian working in the world today, though often

3:09

not acknowledged as such. Shamefully.

3:12

This goes back to being a

3:14

Kickstarter reward, I think, that

3:16

when we were doing Kickstarters to help pay

3:19

for the filming in the Leicester Square Theatre,

3:22

I interviewed myself. But

3:25

how, Rich? Well, in an embarrassing and

3:27

weird fashion. That is the answer. So

3:30

although it was some time ago, and if

3:32

you want to hear me being interviewed more

3:34

expertly, go to episode 300 where John Robbins

3:37

interviewed me. But you can,

3:40

you know, you want to hear the master interviewed

3:42

by the master, and that is me interviewing me.

3:45

You can listen to my snooker, you can listen to

3:47

my ventriloquism, but you'll never quite get the real me

3:49

interviewing the real me. The guest is

3:51

Richard Herring. I don't think it's been

3:53

heard before by the non-Kickstarter buying public,

3:56

so please enjoy me asking

3:58

myself. I am Richard. Imagine all of

4:00

the stupid questions I ask all those other

4:02

pricks. Thanks for listening Spread the word

4:04

to your friends probably don't spread this one as the

4:07

first one they listen to Do

4:09

one of the good celebrities. All right. See you in a

4:11

bit Uh,

4:30

welcome to the left of the left of the left of the right of the right of

4:32

the left Please welcome the man who's about to

4:34

commit the most self-indulgent thing he has ever

4:36

done And that is

4:38

saying something Is

4:40

Richard Herring Hey

4:48

very very much, welcome to the

4:50

special Which is a

4:52

secret Richard Haunton Squarepig podcast Or

4:55

I was uh, you know, I was

4:57

uh, in Cairns Film Festival I've

5:00

quite a lot of cool and eight year

5:02

old movie detectives there We're calling it Rihallister

5:04

So that is I

5:07

should have planned that really before I did I should

5:09

have worked something before I got one I said, look

5:11

I'm wearing my uh, any teacher that my wife bought

5:13

me for Christmas She was so

5:15

excited she's given me his October She's

5:17

given me two couldn't wait to give it to me Which

5:20

will mean nothing to you because you're not cool like I am This

5:23

is Mr. Poopy Butthole from uh, here

5:26

From Rick and Morty Which if you haven't watched Rick and

5:28

Morty you must watch Rick and Morty It's all on YouTube,

5:30

it's good that you've watched it Obviously you're doing No,

5:32

so I is uh, and I

5:34

am a nerd too because I've got the

5:36

teacher That's Mr. Poopy Butthole He's

5:39

my favorite sitcom character He's only really

5:41

in one episode And then he comes

5:43

up a couple of other times Seriously it's the best movie

5:45

show You'll be glad you watched

5:47

this just for that piece of information In

5:50

fact don't watch the rest of this Just

5:52

go and watch Rick and Morty It's like Back to

5:54

the Future It is In

5:57

fact, it's an interesting point If I

5:59

saw the Someone sent me the link to

6:01

the original cartoon of it, which is just about basically

6:04

Marty McFly licking the

6:07

Doctor's balls to make stuff happen. And I

6:10

don't know how, it's by Dan Harmon who did Community, and

6:13

I don't know what part of him saw that and thought,

6:15

oh we can make this into a brilliant series, but

6:17

we're going to take out the licking the balls

6:19

aspect, because that's the main

6:22

thing. So it's an amazing piece of genius, but

6:24

Dan Harmon, who I've got, I was

6:26

just, well let's just kick-start to get him to come over and

6:28

do one of these. Anyway,

6:30

look, I'm very excited, I can't believe

6:32

he's taken so many episodes to get

6:34

our next guest

6:37

on the show. He is probably

6:39

best known for his role, there's

6:42

so much I could use. He's probably

6:44

best known as Percy

6:46

the Hatford from the

6:49

TV show Servants. It

6:51

kind of fails, it went up against Big Brother and no

6:53

one saw it. But it was, will

6:56

you please welcome Mr. Jadani I'm

7:24

going to keep this in the UK, but...

7:28

So what do you remember

7:30

about being

7:33

Percy in the Shephard in Servants?

7:36

Well, you know, not many

7:38

people bring that up, I'm surprised, I

7:41

wouldn't have said that's what I'm best known for. But

7:44

it was quite, I've never really been asked to

7:46

be in anything that I haven't written as an

7:48

actor, so that was quite unusual. I think I

7:50

got the part of Percy the Shephard because

7:53

my friend from school knew the captain

7:55

director of Servants and he said we

7:57

need someone who can do like a...

8:00

local accent and he said,

8:02

oh, would you care? I'll do it. So my

8:04

management have never got me any answering words. But

8:06

luckily, my friend from the Kings of Worcester school

8:08

in Chetter knew someone. So I went and did

8:10

an audition. And I knew when I did the

8:12

audition that I had nailed it. And I was

8:14

going to get the part from that very time

8:16

that happened to me in my entire life. And

8:19

I did it. And I went out to Bristol somewhere

8:21

to film it. It stayed me home. That

8:23

guy from England was in it. Joe Ocelante

8:26

was in it. And

8:28

I had to dress up as

8:30

a shepherd from the 18th

8:33

century, but he was welcoming the master

8:35

of the house to welcome

8:38

him in as a pastoral idol. So he was

8:41

annoyed about having to dress up in traditional shepherd

8:43

gear, because he was a shepherd, but he

8:45

wasn't a traditional shepherd. He had

8:47

some tape on a string and

8:49

bows on them and stuff and a big crook. I

8:53

remember no one's

8:55

asking about this. Weird

8:59

things to have to think about. One's really prepared for

9:01

you to bring this up.

9:04

And I remember standing there and this stagecoast thundering

9:07

towards me. And it was quite scary. And I

9:09

had to not look scared. But it felt like

9:11

he was going to hit me in the dress

9:13

thing. He had that gone wrong. And that could

9:15

have been the end of a promising acting career

9:17

there. So it was

9:20

nice to hear that he wasn't convinced that the

9:22

thing would go well himself. So that was really

9:24

good. There's

9:27

so many different things to talk to you about. I

9:29

could have also said you were best known as Hamlet.

9:31

You played Hamlet in the West End early on in

9:33

your career. That is

9:36

almost true, Richard. I almost did play Hamlet.

9:39

Very early on, I was casting. Weirdly,

9:41

I was going to go ahead in one year. And

9:43

they were doing Beyond the Fringe. And it was a

9:45

scrubbish idea. They were going to redo Beyond the Fringe

9:47

and did Beyond the Fringe scripts. And

9:50

I nearly got cast as, I don't guess, I

9:52

don't know, I think it was probably the Peter

9:54

Cook role, which is ridiculous, or maybe it was

9:56

Dougie Miller. And I

9:58

didn't get it, but the director So then

10:00

she was doing a Hamlet lunchtime variety

10:03

show of lots of different sketches

10:05

involving Hamlet. And she cast

10:08

me as Hamlet, which was the straight part in

10:10

all of the sketches. And I wasn't very good at it. And

10:13

so they sent me the week before. It

10:16

was hard. And I never got to play in the West

10:18

London Hamlet, but I very nearly did. Well that is very

10:20

interesting, which I've never

10:22

heard that anecdote told before, for a good reason,

10:24

I would say. Kate

10:28

Copstick, the Scotsman critic, was in that cast

10:30

as well. I don't know if she remembers

10:32

me from being in it, but I remember

10:34

doing a sword fight thing. We

10:37

talked to do sword fights and I was not good at

10:39

that. And then I kept on swinging the sword around and

10:41

was told off. And then

10:43

that night they rang me up and said, I had to

10:45

go home and they wouldn't have me in it anymore. So

10:47

yeah, it could have been an exciting time. It really could

10:50

have been. Yeah, you are right. But

10:52

recently you've been doing, all you've

10:54

done in a lot of one-man shows, you've done a lot of

10:56

one-man shows and you've recently been here at the Leicester Square Theatre

10:59

doing all 12 of those shows. Yeah,

11:01

it's the 12 shows of Herring. What

11:05

was that like going back over your work? I can't

11:07

imagine how, how did you remember all the stuff? That's

11:09

all I would get to me. How did you remember

11:11

all of the, I couldn't do

11:13

that. So how did, how did

11:16

you, I just, it was difficult.

11:20

I wanted to do it. I thought I would do

11:22

all 12 shows in 12 days. It

11:24

was, I was sort of making the point, I didn't want

11:26

to go to the Edinburgh Fringe. So I just

11:29

had, I've been up for a long time and I've

11:31

lost lots of money the previous year. I

11:33

thought I'd rather stay at home, but I wanted to do something that

11:35

was a bit of an adventure and a bit of a challenge. And

11:38

at Rensky Tech, can you put the Leicester Square Theatre for 12

11:40

nights in a row and I'll just do the 12 shows in

11:42

12 nights? I'm pretty glad that that didn't

11:44

happen. Because I did six weekends of

11:46

two shows. And so basically each week

11:49

I would just listen to the, I

11:51

luckily have all the shows recorded by Go

11:54

Faster Strike. You could do some amazing things

11:56

with technology Richard. You

11:58

would not believe what they can do. And

12:02

so I was able to listen to them all and it

12:04

kind of got in by us most of the thing. I would

12:07

do a few little tryouts of

12:09

the shows, but

12:11

basically I often got here and I realised I hadn't

12:13

really learnt the second half of the show. I'd

12:15

been contracting on the first half. I

12:17

start from the beginning every time, you know, that's what you do. And

12:20

then I go, oh yeah, probably not. And

12:23

the second half usually just come out of the mouth. The

12:25

biggest challenge, I suppose, was that I had to write a

12:27

new show. I should really have done one or the other,

12:29

but I had to write a new show for the end

12:31

and I didn't have any time to rehearse that because I

12:34

was rehearsing all the other shows. But

12:36

that's called Happy Now and Some Hours Came Out. You can

12:38

come and see it on tour, Richard, if you want. I

12:40

don't want to come. It sounds

12:42

like a lot of

12:45

hassle. I've seen most of your shows. I

12:47

think I'm not going to come to this one. Well,

12:52

you know, you've got, I'm going to ask you a lot

12:55

of the emergency questions, but I do want to talk to

12:57

you about your career as well. And

12:59

it's kind of interesting. You started at a

13:01

university where you met Stuart Lee, I believe,

13:03

who I don't know what's happened to me,

13:05

disappeared off the radar. But

13:08

you got into sort of

13:11

student comedy through that. Yeah, it was, well,

13:13

again, this was sort of weird because we

13:15

were, there's a time when stand-up

13:17

was very much in the predominance and

13:21

Edinburgh is just sort of coming in and

13:23

taking over and student comedy. The Oxford and

13:25

Cambridge stuff was, seems very passe.

13:27

And there was a lot of anger towards the

13:29

Oxford Bridge, supposed mafia coming in and taking all

13:32

the jobs. So I just had a really horrible

13:34

time in that, with my second Edinburgh, where I

13:36

did the Oxford Review, where we were booked to

13:39

do the Guild of Balloon and all the comedians

13:41

in the town turned up to

13:43

heckle the Oxford Review. So

13:45

even though I can understand why they would do

13:48

that, they were

13:50

essentially just bullying some 19-year-old children

13:53

for what other people had done before them. It

13:55

wasn't really our fault. So we'd all been to

13:57

comprehensive school and got into Oxford.

14:00

getting good A-level results, which seems like a

14:02

good thing to me. But,

14:04

yeah, so they took out their anger on us a little

14:06

bit. And I think it was a difficult thing to get

14:08

through to realise

14:11

that I was, I think, psychologically, and

14:13

certainly in the stand-up community, that

14:17

I was hated before I ever used to office. So

14:20

that meant when I came to London and

14:22

started doing stand-ups, that was, you know, I

14:25

felt like ostracised already. Stuart hadn't

14:27

been in that show. He'd written it with me,

14:29

and then he didn't experience this, and then he

14:31

was very happy to come to London and be

14:33

in the stand-up thing. So I think I was

14:35

very much skewed towards wanting to

14:37

do sketch comedy and prove that sketch comedy was

14:39

good and stand-up was rubbish. And

14:42

I was incorrect about

14:44

that, but that was my belief. And

14:47

I slightly lost my bottle with that. Funny,

14:49

I met Patrick Marber last night at

14:52

Steve Coogan's 50th birthday party.

14:55

You go to a lot of showbiz events. I go to a lot of

14:57

showbiz events. You're not invited

14:59

to the... I go to loads or something.

15:03

And we had this

15:05

kind of weird thing where me, Stuart,

15:07

Simon Munnery, and Steve Coogan and Patrick

15:09

Marber, after doing On The Hour, we

15:12

kind of did a stand-up show, a sketch show

15:14

in Edinburgh, trying to reclaim the sketch

15:16

show. And it just didn't really work out. We

15:19

sort of all rubbed each other up the wrong way. And

15:22

again, I really lost my bottle, and they didn't

15:24

really... Some like Steve and Patrick, they were very

15:26

disparaging of me as a performer. And

15:29

that added to me kind of losing my

15:32

performing bottle. But I talked to Patrick

15:34

last night. He was very upset that we

15:36

joke about him all the time. And

15:40

generally, I was surprised how upset he was.

15:43

I thought he would understand it was a joke. To

15:47

deliberately prolong an argument from 25 years

15:49

ago. It wasn't

15:51

really very important. As the

15:53

lesson in the two... I said to him

15:55

that you've been amazing successful as a playwright

15:57

and screenwriter. So the idea of me carrying

15:59

on... going on about you is clearly a joke aimed at

16:01

myself. I felt a

16:03

lot happier afterwards. I felt very, I felt

16:06

very, he said to me that his kids would

16:08

go, why did these people hate you so much? And

16:12

he says, I don't know why they do it. And

16:14

I said, well, there's a little bit of truth in it, Patrick, you were a

16:16

bit of a prick. During that, you know,

16:19

we were all bit, it's interesting, we were

16:21

all very ambitious, I think, in our own

16:23

different ways, and we kind of chose to

16:25

portray Patrick as more ambitious, and maybe he

16:27

was more rhythmically ambitious in some ways, but we were

16:29

all ambitious as well. There's

16:31

no genuine amnesty there, which I'll say to

16:34

some people who have paid them a half

16:36

thousand people, they've got to admit it.

16:39

Nobody else will know, but I apologize.

16:42

Apologize. Ha ha ha. Ha ha

16:44

ha. Sorry. Ha ha ha. Ha

16:46

ha ha. Ha ha ha. It

16:52

seems to be flagging a bit. So what I have, I don't know

16:54

if this is what I have, is I've got

16:56

a lot of emergency questions. So

16:59

I will try you out on,

17:01

I don't know if you thought, there'll be things

17:03

you won't have thought in this. So we've had... What

17:06

do you have to choose between having a hand made

17:08

out or

17:10

an armpit that expects sunburn? Which

17:12

of those two things? What?

17:18

What do you mean? A hand made, somewhat

17:20

my hands is made of hammy, it's made

17:22

of hand-witching. But you can eat it,

17:25

but... I've

17:28

never heard of such ridiculous... question

17:31

in my life. What

17:33

do people normally say? Most

17:35

people choose the ham hand. I'll

17:37

have that then. And

17:44

have you ever tried to suck your own

17:46

cock? Yes, obviously, everyone

17:48

has. And I successfully got

17:50

the tip. I

17:53

was actually thinking, I knew that question was coming up and

17:55

I meant to last night have another go and see how

17:57

I got on. That was when I was 14. and

18:00

could get erections. But

18:03

instead I got incredibly drunk

18:05

and I really would

18:07

not have been able to, if I bent round I

18:09

would have been sick and certainly

18:11

my shriveled old man pig nest would

18:14

have been hidden by my cottomant

18:17

belly. Good. So, have

18:22

you ever seen a ghost? No, I

18:24

have never seen a ghost, because ghosts do

18:26

not exist. But sometimes

18:28

I have been scared of things and

18:31

you know, you think there was a ghost, there was

18:33

a mouse in my apartment in Amsterdam recently when I

18:36

stayed there that I thought it was a ghost, but

18:38

it turned out to be a mouse, but it could

18:40

have been the ghost of a mouse, we don't know.

18:42

You don't know, do you? It's like when I was

18:44

talking to John Finnimore, he didn't know that it could

18:47

be a real person or he's just

18:49

wandered into his room with a baby and got

18:51

the wrong room. Do

18:54

you remember that podcast? I

18:56

do so many podcasts I can't expect to

18:59

remember like one guest answered

19:01

there. Have

19:03

you ever seen a Bigfoot? And

19:09

I've got some new emergency questions that I

19:11

think might be more interesting to people. So,

19:14

I'm just

19:18

trying, this is a good one,

19:20

if you had to go for a week's holiday with one

19:22

of the... The public would be

19:25

operated by

19:37

a man and the Impressionist, but they would be

19:39

in character and choose the destination. I

19:41

did write for Spitting Image, it was one of the first

19:43

jobs we at Smiths & Stewart had. We

19:46

got two sketches on I think, and

19:48

after trying... We were a bit too weird and

19:50

esoteric for it really and they wanted to kind

19:52

of more rewind stuff than we were prepared to

19:54

give them. One of the sketches

19:56

we did for Spitting Image, the producer was called Bill

19:58

Dare and wrote a sketch

20:00

called Bill Dares Bottom, which

20:02

it sounds a bit like Builders Bottom. And

20:06

the sketch was that Bill Dares Bottom was in

20:08

the sky making commandments to

20:11

people or something.

20:13

He bothered writing that up and giving it into him and

20:16

he didn't put that on. It

20:18

would have been self indulgent. I

20:21

think I would choose the Doc Cotton puppet,

20:25

which I did have a sketch, I think I mentioned

20:27

in one of the podcasts about Anna Schwarzenegger and Doc

20:29

Cotton teaming up with an

20:31

unlikely pairing of cops who didn't get on initially

20:33

but then learned to work with each other,

20:35

proved ineffective, policing

20:37

teams. And

20:40

I just quite, that's quite a funny character

20:42

but also she's a bit more mordant

20:45

and sardonic and you know, it'd be fun to, I guess,

20:47

I don't know where she would go on holiday. I know

20:50

where Doc, the character of Doc Cotton would obviously

20:52

go just to the seaside but what were the

20:54

puppet of the character of Doc Cotton?

20:56

I don't know where it

20:58

would choose to go. And is it June Brown or is it

21:00

Doc Cotton? That's the question you have to ask with that. So

21:03

if she's not on speaking images she's June Brown and she'd

21:05

probably go somewhere quite nice because she must be

21:07

quite rich, having been on a

21:10

soap opera forever and

21:12

still working well into it. Hope she's not,

21:15

she'll probably be dead by the time. She's

21:17

not taking the picture,

21:19

she's alive at the moment, that's all I'm

21:21

saying. That's good. And do you

21:26

think, what do you think about having sex

21:28

with robots? Now is that, I

21:31

would like to have sex with a robot, my wife says I'm

21:33

not allowed to and she

21:36

considers it to be cheating but I would say it's

21:38

not cheating because it's not a person, it's a robot.

21:40

I'm 100% behind you on that. I

21:44

don't think that can be said enough actually,

21:46

I think that should be, the more of

21:48

suit-rehearsing that it is, okay. Because it's coming in,

21:51

Craig, he's one of the cameramen, showed me a link to something

21:53

that says it's actually coming in in 10 years, I've been told

21:55

50 years, but in 10 years you'll be able

21:57

to have sex with a robot and I'm, I'm beyond for that. There's

22:00

still a chance I'm going to be alive

22:02

and still operational. And maybe

22:04

if I'm not they can give me some kind

22:06

of robotic penis that I can use as... I

22:08

mean if you didn't even use your own penis,

22:10

if you had a robotic extension you put on

22:12

your penis, that's

22:14

just a metal thing entering a metal thing.

22:16

That means like every time you knit that

22:18

you're cheating. So

22:22

to me that would not be cheap. So

22:25

I would really chop off my own penis,

22:27

have it replaced with like a robot cut

22:29

penis, and then I'd

22:31

have sex with a robot and my wife could

22:33

not complain about that. You are definitely right. And

22:36

is sex with a ghost cheating though? No,

22:40

that's not cheating either. No, it's because the ghost

22:42

is dead. So that's like saying having

22:44

sex with a dead body is cheating. I

22:48

mean it's just

22:50

some biological math. And

22:53

then with a ghost it's not even that, it's made

22:55

of plasma or something like that. Good

22:58

point. I think

23:00

we might accidentally switch round the wrong way. I'm

23:07

not allowed to ask you questions. No, I've got to ask you questions.

23:13

So don't use

23:16

that. Don't Louis through me, mate. This

23:18

is... I'm

23:20

asking the questions here. Your

23:24

eye line is sort of slight. Why are you looking down? Are

23:26

you looking all right? Why are my face up here? I see

23:28

your eye line seems to be looking at like the arm of the

23:31

chair. I

23:33

don't think so. So

23:37

you do seem slightly obsessed with these sort

23:40

of slightly indulgent things where you talk

23:42

to yourself. I

23:44

mean something like Me One versus Me Two Snooker,

23:46

which you're well known for. It's probably one of

23:48

the things you're most well known for. Is

23:51

a man playing himself in a suit? Is that not just...

23:54

Is that not pathetic? Just a man

23:57

talking to himself alone in a basement. I

24:00

thought it was pathetic until I started talking to

24:02

myself in front of an audience of people. I

24:05

actually realised that is much worse. I

24:08

once did Me One versus Me Two Squeaker

24:10

with an audience, it's only happened once, and

24:12

I genuinely felt more embarrassed about that than

24:14

anything I've done in my life. I

24:17

think they quite enjoyed it, but I just

24:19

felt awful, it's terrible. Because,

24:22

you know, the table wasn't... it was in Edinburgh

24:24

and they got me a different table and it

24:26

was really hard to put them... the pockets weren't

24:28

as big as the ones in my... what

24:30

I have at home. And it just was going

24:32

on for ages, and you know... I think there's

24:34

something in going to see a sport where people aren't very

24:36

good at the sport, but maybe there needs

24:38

to be two people involved for this. Because

24:41

we see a lot of high quality

24:43

sport, we don't see sport very much

24:45

where it's... you know,

24:47

where just normal people play sport.

24:49

You see singing competitions where people aren't very good

24:51

at singing and that's alright, but you don't get

24:53

much sport where people just mediocre at it. And

24:55

I think it's kind of... there's

24:58

something reassuring about going to a football match where

25:00

people can't really play football, because you go,

25:02

well that's about as good as I am. Yeah, that's good. I

25:04

would enjoy that more than watching some professional football. So,

25:07

similarly with Sneaker, it's kind of quite interesting to watch

25:09

someone who has to really struggle just even

25:11

to put on a single red, and

25:13

just a smash in the ball around and then luckily

25:15

it goes in. There's a jeopardy to that, that you

25:17

don't get in professional Sneaker, where you pretty much know

25:19

nearly every ball is going to be plotted or go

25:21

where it's meant to go. You are right Richard, that's

25:24

a very interesting point. But

25:26

you do it quite a lot this comedy. Do you think that comes

25:29

from the double act? Do you

25:31

think that the way you liked...

25:33

we've been in a few unsuccessful double acts.

25:35

You've done Stuart Lee, Richard Haring, most

25:38

people don't remember that. Annette

25:40

Collings and Harry and most people don't know that. Me one and

25:42

me two, that is... there's

25:44

more than two people in that to be

25:46

fair. But do you feel that you're

25:48

harking back, are you missing? Do you feel like when you

25:50

do these... in your stand-up I've noticed

25:53

there's a lot of imaginary conversations that there's two old

25:55

men on the on the bonfire. They're

25:57

on fire but they still feel the cold. reason

26:00

for that discourse thereof. Don't

26:03

look over your shoulder at me. Turn

26:07

to me and face me.

26:10

Do it properly or not at all. I

26:14

genuinely think with the snooker,

26:16

I think there's something interesting

26:19

going on there because it's

26:22

a stupid thing to do and it's annoying

26:24

to listen to and to

26:26

do. The audience

26:28

is in on the joke that they are listening to

26:30

something that's ostensibly quite boring but it

26:32

is about the struggle within of

26:34

person. Your main competition in life is

26:36

actually with yourself and we

26:38

all have a dichotomy in ourselves. I've been

26:41

asked to do, there's a kind of extreme

26:43

arts festival where the art that isn't allowed

26:45

to go anywhere else is all

26:47

shown. There's mainly naked people hitting each

26:49

other with twigs. So they've

26:51

asked me to go along and play myself at snookers.

26:55

And I think they are correct to do that. I think it is

26:58

high art and I hope to win the Turner

27:00

Prize for it eventually. But

27:03

I think there's something there because the relentlessness of it,

27:05

the fact that it just keeps going on and on,

27:08

that's over a massive long period of

27:10

time. It gets

27:13

boring and then it gets funny again but

27:15

also you're still listening to it if you

27:17

are. And if you're not, you've failed and

27:19

have lost. There's something in it

27:22

for everyone and even if you're not listening to it,

27:24

you know it's still there and it's annoying you that

27:26

it's still going on. It's niggling at you

27:28

that it exists. So it's sort of like a Samuel

27:30

Beckett play but with some sort in it which makes

27:33

it a bit more exciting. Because if they have a

27:35

snooker board in Wayne for Godot,

27:37

I think that would have immediately been a better play.

27:40

And also the random nature of that is they had it in,

27:42

isn't it? They're doing a play with snooker, I noticed, in some

27:45

films we're in a play about snooker.

27:47

And I'm kind of wondering how

27:50

they do that. How

27:53

do they play the shots? Do they go in the

27:55

right ones? It's a good question which I

27:57

don't know. I would have to Google

27:59

it. into that. I mean

28:02

you've done a lot of terrible things in your career. I try

28:04

to avoid doing terrible

28:07

things. I've been lucky I think. I've managed

28:09

to make a good

28:11

living without having to compromise too much. I

28:14

don't do adverts. I

28:16

mean there's things that you start doing a bit

28:18

like adverts, like advertising stuff at the start of

28:20

the change. That's a very big one. So

28:22

that is basically lunatic, so advertising stuff and

28:24

that's the only thing

28:30

that seems fair. It's very small businesses that are

28:32

obviously going to fail anyway. So I might as

28:34

well just take a few

28:36

hundred quid off them to good use before

28:38

they... I'll bank. I

28:40

deserve a bank run. So that is a

28:42

bit difficult. But luckily

28:44

I haven't had to make many decisions. I

28:47

did a show called Best Man's Speech, which

28:49

in hindsight I wish I hadn't done. Early

28:52

on we

28:55

wrote for a show called Seven the

28:57

Dark, which for Treaty of

28:59

the Cab, but Michael Gove weirdly was on it

29:01

and David Bideal. But that was

29:03

kind of amazing because that was one of the first jobs we got. I

29:07

don't know, £1,500 a week or something. It just seems insane to

29:09

me at the time. I was living on fake

29:11

potatoes and £3 more of wine. So

29:15

that was about six weeks. So there's some

29:17

shows that I think I hadn't necessarily thought,

29:20

oh that's amazing. But there isn't many things

29:22

that I've done that I am ashamed of

29:25

or at least it looked like they were going

29:27

to have a good beforehand. Well you've done, let's

29:29

have a look. You did

29:32

the Other Boat Race, which was a sort

29:34

of reality show where two

29:36

teams of ex-Oxford and Cambridge students

29:39

rode against each other. Yeah,

29:41

but I thought that was interesting. I thought that was an interesting

29:43

thing to do. At the time I was trying to run the

29:46

marathon because I wanted to die. Genuinely

29:50

I hoped it would kill me. And

29:53

so I thought that that would be good training for

29:55

running the marathon, which it wasn't because running

29:57

is mainly a leg face. and

30:01

rowing is all sitting down isn't it so it's that

30:03

is you don't even

30:05

use your legs in rowing well I did

30:07

so that's the only time

30:10

I've most of those I've been offered

30:15

a lot of those reality shows

30:17

and I I

30:21

don't want to do anything where they're filming you asleep for

30:23

me is today is a step too far as

30:26

I checked they weren't gonna because I snore and

30:28

dribble and stuff but also they could do anything

30:30

with your sleep and they could we

30:32

on your face you don't know they're gonna

30:34

be filming you don't know so

30:38

it seemed like a good thing to do

30:40

and it was I'm really glad that I

30:42

met some amazing athletes in that were amazing the

30:44

mining cross was an inspirational man to me but people

30:48

like that watch that guy you won all the gold

30:50

medals cause we met red grade Steve red grade we

30:52

met him Steve red grade in the

30:54

first time he was there either was like a dinner

30:56

we all met him and it was

30:58

mainly a room full of comedians a lot of comedians were doing

31:00

it and he opened up his

31:02

speech by saying I'm on a seafood diet

31:05

I seafood and I eat it I

31:10

agree that is weak so

31:12

weak joke just your Steve

31:14

red grave just do rowing and

31:17

stuff don't don't try and be you're

31:19

not funny I

31:22

agree I agree with you about it

31:26

good so

31:28

yeah and then with that same year I suppose you're doing

31:30

a lot of stunts you the show called the 12 tasks

31:32

of Hercules Paris we did some kind of crazy

31:35

stuff for that parachute jumping but he's ate

31:37

50 women in 50 consecutive days which is hardly

31:39

even a part of the show I know

31:41

is but you spent a

31:43

month and a half dating 50 women and

31:46

then it makes five minutes of comedy in the

31:48

standard well cuz I was doing 12 tasks so

31:50

I couldn't really talk about it when I once

31:52

I did the 50 days with 50 with different

31:54

women as I was doing I thought

31:56

that should have been clearly should have been the show but

31:59

by the time I doing it, it was too late. I

32:01

was already committed to doing the 12th task at Berkeley,

32:03

but also it was going to be a

32:05

part of it. But yeah, it was a weird, that was an

32:07

odd thing to do. I thought it would be difficult to find

32:09

50 women to date and

32:11

I wasn't, I was never good at asking

32:14

people out, I never went on dates really, I just would get

32:16

drunk and hope someone would snog me and

32:18

then feel embarrassed if they were still there in

32:20

the morning. So it was kind of weird to

32:23

go on dates, but it was very easy to

32:25

meet people to have dates and I think nowadays

32:27

it's kind of even easier because you'll just phones

32:29

tell you what to shag and then you go

32:31

and shag them. But it's, but

32:33

you know, once you put this out and about, people were

32:35

kind of interested in doing it. But it made, it's not

32:38

getting, it was a, I didn't want

32:40

to do any stuff about it because I didn't

32:42

want to, I felt like it was filmed or

32:44

if they knew I was going to talk about

32:46

them personally, then it would, that would affect the

32:48

experience. So I just want to talk about that

32:50

as a general thing. So I'm up and a

32:52

half getting very drunk and then about another seven

32:55

or eight months, seven or eight weeks of getting drunk

32:57

and having second dates. I went out

32:59

with six women for three months, but

33:02

they all knew that I was seeing other people and appreciated

33:05

how difficult it was. And I did eventually go out with

33:07

number 47 for about a year. So it kind

33:09

of, it was a good

33:13

way, you know, wiggly dates. I think it's

33:15

a good system. Why date six

33:17

women for three months and waste the

33:19

year and a half of your life when you can date six

33:21

women all at the same time and just waste

33:24

two months of your life. I'm

33:27

not saying that date different women is a waste of time.

33:30

So it sounds like an interesting, yeah,

33:32

well it was confusing. I've actually, I

33:34

was thought it would show in the

33:36

show, Hercules is impregnated

33:39

at 15 a minute a night, which is where this

33:41

came from. And I kind of thought that doing this

33:43

would show what a bore and a sexist

33:45

idiot Hercules was. But actually it was more confusing

33:47

for me. Everyone had quite a nice time because

33:50

I took them on a free date and they

33:52

got free food and drink and went somewhere interesting.

33:55

But I kind of was massively psychologically affected

33:57

by, because I met people I really liked.

34:00

obviously a month and a half later they got married

34:02

to someone else in all that time so I

34:04

couldn't go on a second date with them so it

34:07

was very upsetting in a lot of ways but I

34:09

found a way through the pain somehow, mainly

34:11

by getting drunk. Well that's interesting

34:15

and it's quite

34:17

interesting. I think I'll go to an

34:19

emergency question because it wasn't that interesting. Tired

34:25

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to amazon.com/adfreecomedy to catch up

34:36

on the latest episodes without

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the ads. Some

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shows may have ads. As

34:48

nice as they are, Kettle Crisps are not as

34:50

nice as they once were. Have

34:53

I changed or have they? Don't

34:57

answer, that's a rhetorical question. If

35:00

you could travel back in time and compare

35:02

any food of today with an equivalent in

35:04

the past and do a taste test, which

35:06

A, which time would you go to Richard?

35:09

And B, what food would you take in?

35:12

Well like you I'm quite interested in Kettle

35:14

Crisps. I

35:16

felt a bit weird you say that because I wonder

35:18

if I could take a pack of today's Kettle back

35:22

to 2004 and then compare that. I

35:27

just would be interested to know whether I just, I

35:30

don't think they're the same. I

35:32

think they're different crisps

35:34

and they're just not as nice. Am

35:36

I alone in that? Has anyone else noticed that? Do

35:39

you still like Kettle Crisps? I mean maybe

35:41

because I'm in show business and

35:43

stuff I eat better crisps than they do.

35:46

So maybe this is, I'm aiming above the heads

35:49

of people who say

35:51

Kettle Crisps are my dream. That

35:54

would be my dream just to eat one Kettle Crisp

35:56

in my life. Interestingly

35:58

though, Kettle Crisps are not bad. Chris,

36:00

when I went to Buckland Palace earlier in the

36:02

year for a chat, weirdly, I've been

36:04

invited to, it wasn't even a chat, I was involved

36:06

with really, then I was there

36:08

and they had little bowls

36:10

of kettle crisps and Buckland Palace are the

36:12

Queenies, kettle crisps. So, yeah,

36:14

well, you know, yeah. So, I mean, who's saying what

36:17

to do? I don't know, we both agree on this,

36:19

but if you Richard

36:21

or you Richard are saying that you're

36:23

above kettle crisps, well, Queen Elizabeth II

36:25

likes them still, unless they

36:27

might be a different kind of crisp but she can

36:30

get, but look like kettle crisps, I don't know.

36:33

Have you ever put your genitals in the

36:35

mouth of a dead animal? It

36:40

was interesting you had to think about it. I did have to think about

36:42

it, but I grew up in Somerset and a lot

36:44

of that kind of stuff, a lot of that. I

36:46

think people are very hypocritical. I've never had sex

36:49

with an animal. I think a

36:51

lot of people have. I

36:53

think a lot of people went quiet during that bit there. And

36:56

so when they hear David Cameron's put his cock

36:58

in, possibly in a pig's mouth, a partner goes,

37:00

oh, no one finds out at the time. I

37:02

put my cock in a pig's anus, that's rude.

37:05

And I think a lot of people have done it. I

37:07

wrote a book called Talking Cock and there's loads of sex

37:09

surveys. And like in America, I think, especially in the rural

37:11

parts of America, it's something like one in three people have

37:14

had sex with an animal. So if you

37:16

are telling me no one in this room of not

37:19

that many people, you

37:21

know, I was surprised about that. When I booked you,

37:23

I thought I'd got a guest. It would be a

37:25

good crossover. I

37:28

thought that's one guest that will probably appeal

37:30

to the people who come to Richard James.

37:32

That's where they want to get Richard James. Turns

37:35

out that thing is not. It seems

37:37

to me it's probably the guests that they're more... Generally,

37:39

if you get a guest that they're more interested in,

37:42

it is weird that the

37:44

better the guest is, the more people

37:46

come. That is... that's a weird thing.

37:49

Anyway, where were we? Well, I was

37:52

asking emergency questions. Luckily,

37:54

I'll ask another one. What crimes have you got away

37:56

with that you've committed and got away with? I've

37:58

done a lot of crimes. I did one on the

38:00

way here today. I

38:03

did a crime, but it was only, I didn't want

38:05

to do the crime, but then I

38:07

was forced to do the crime. Explain

38:10

more. I was, well,

38:12

because I'm hungover, I wanted some chocolate to just

38:16

kind of give myself an artificial energy boost, because I

38:18

thought it's going to be quite difficult doing an interview

38:20

with myself for an hour. I don't know, I'll be

38:22

able to keep that going. You're doing all right.

38:25

Thanks, that's nice of you to say so. I'm

38:27

not sure the audience agree with. But,

38:31

and I went into Sainsbury's and I got

38:33

some giant chocolate buttons, I like those, but

38:35

only a small pack. I'm like, that

38:37

old guy used to eat sometimes in the big, he's

38:40

gone. But then they had

38:42

some Capri's cream eggs, which are the Halloween ones, they're

38:44

a bit scary. Yeah, I kind

38:46

of thought that'd be a good hangover thing.

38:48

And I went to pay the checkout of

38:50

the little scanning machine and I couldn't scan

38:52

the egg, because the

38:54

barcode was, you know, it's crinkly, isn't

38:56

it? So

39:00

I just, nip, nip. LAUGHTER

39:09

I tried to pay for it and then I couldn't pay for it,

39:11

and what? I didn't have time, I was a bit late, I didn't

39:13

have time to go up to the lady and say, could you scan

39:16

this? What

39:19

if you'd been caught doing that and then you

39:22

wouldn't have got into the holes, this would have all

39:24

been cancelled, and you'd have had

39:26

to go to court for stealing a spooky, not even a

39:28

Capri's cream egg, one with a

39:30

green, it had green gunkin in it, it did have green. Well,

39:34

you know, one day you'll be caught and it will

39:36

be very embarrassing for you. I've been caught so far,

39:38

it's one of the many crimes I've got away with.

39:42

And I like, you know, I taunt, I like

39:44

about his own taunting things, to see in the

39:46

same space, isn't it? What's

39:48

he going to do? There's no evidence. I've eaten the

39:50

evidence. I actually had a bit

39:52

of the foil in my pocket, but I've managed to, I've thrown that away

39:55

now. I'm not going to tell you what pin it was

39:57

in. They will never, I

39:59

got this kid just be. a crazy joke that I've made.

40:01

That's what it is, it's a crazy joke. It

40:04

would be embarrassing to be a 48 year old man stealing

40:07

a not even a capitalist cream. It would

40:10

be embarrassing and then being proud of it.

40:13

I'm a DVD. I'm talking about it for

40:15

three or four minutes of wasting other people's

40:18

time. That would be an embarrassment. It

40:20

would be awful to be that person. I

40:23

guess it would be awful.

40:26

Have you written anything that has come true? Because I've written

40:28

quite a lot of things and then they come true. Has

40:30

that ever happened to you? It had that exact thing that

40:32

happened to me. That's weird that you would say that. I

40:34

wrote a show called You Can Choose Your Friends which is

40:36

the last major thing I had on Kelly. It was

40:39

sort of based on my family but I

40:41

changed a lot of stuff and I knew

40:43

some of my family members wouldn't want it

40:45

to be exactly about them. It was probably

40:47

a bit too close so

40:49

it still did upset my family. There

40:53

were weird things in that where I had a couple turning up

40:55

who were just pretending they were getting

40:58

divorced but they were pretending they were still together because

41:00

this was a big family. Occasionally they

41:02

didn't want to ruin this anniversary. Then

41:04

after I'd written it, after we'd filmed

41:07

it before it had gone out, that

41:09

happened to a couple in my family

41:11

who had been to

41:13

my parents' birthday, Pinehorne

41:15

and parents' birthday spindles. That exact thing had

41:18

happened. It was weird. In that show I

41:20

ended up dating the girl who was playing

41:22

my girlfriend in the show for a bit

41:24

which was weird. I realised that if she

41:26

ever came to meet my actual family, she'd

41:30

already met my actual family

41:33

almost exactly in this kind of fox thing.

41:35

I thought that's probably

41:37

a more interesting drama in the idea of

41:39

someone doing that and then getting together and

41:41

then meeting their family and then going back

41:44

to meet the actual family and seeing what

41:46

was different and what was the same. Nothing

41:48

happened with the original film. It seemed foolish

41:50

to go further. I got

41:52

a lot of flack in that show because my

41:54

character and I was in it was kissing this

41:56

girl and everyone said, oh, Rich Heng wrote a

41:58

character just so he could... kiss a girl

42:00

and She was my

42:03

girlfriend so I could I didn't have to do that

42:05

I could have taken that but also I

42:07

don't think you understand what being filmed kissing

42:10

someone is It's not really you know

42:12

unless you're into that It's not really a very

42:14

enjoyable thing to be surrounded by loads of men

42:17

when you're naked in a bath with someone I

42:20

didn't read the continuity announcer did say

42:22

that Because it's filmed from lots of

42:24

different angles when I was getting out the bath and I was naked Her

42:27

view on the screen was just my penis just

42:29

so my whole genitals Take up

42:31

the whole screen as though what camera on there So

42:33

you know that's not if you're a certain type person

42:36

that's a sexy thing, but it was I didn't find

42:38

it That is very interesting, but

42:40

there's a lot of rumors about you doing weird

42:42

stuff like I've

42:45

heard that you What

42:47

you like is you invite girls back to a hotel

42:49

room and you sit in a high-backed

42:51

armchair And then you make

42:53

them dance and you masturbate while they're dancing

42:57

With a semi-circular But

43:00

there's no truth in that it's not true. Why

43:02

would it come up though if it was? Why

43:06

would someone make that up it wasn't true? It's not at

43:08

all true They

43:10

said the same about Jim Bowen and he I don't think he

43:12

did either Maybe this Jim Bowen someone

43:14

saw Jim Bowen and we're quite similar

43:16

looking and they thought Jim Bowen

43:19

do they thought that's Richard Herring got a similar sounding

43:21

name I'm

43:23

not convinced. I think you did it. I Didn't

43:27

I would say if I did it I Didn't

43:30

do it. I Wouldn't

43:32

say if it was me I wouldn't say If

43:35

I did do that I would present what I would do if I'd

43:37

go on and on about it to make it look like I Didn't

43:41

do it And

43:43

then people think we can't do it because why would he go

43:45

on about it? And that would be clever double bluff them But

43:47

I wouldn't do that because that would be stupid Because

43:49

then that might come up and then people would think

43:51

you did I did do and I haven't ever I've

43:53

never done anything like that, so Interesting.

43:56

That's all I'm saying Why

43:59

can't everyone The zombie babies. Good,

44:01

wouldn't it? It

44:04

would be quite good.

44:08

I like to have a baby and she's

44:10

quite good fun. If everyone was a baby,

44:12

I thought the same thing actually. It would

44:14

be fun everyone would be. I mean, they'd

44:16

all die, but just

44:19

for a day everyone was a baby again. The

44:21

world would be at peace, it would be beautiful and it would

44:23

smell a lot. It would be quite annoying.

44:26

Then all the babies would die. And

44:29

then the human rights would be wiped out, which

44:32

would be good. Let's face it. Good

44:36

answer. A

44:40

lot of these questions, of course, you have answered

44:42

in your own... because you asked the question in

44:44

order to tell people some

44:46

story you imagined as amusing. That

44:50

is true, Richard. What

44:56

would you rather have? Would you rather have

44:58

a tip that dispenses talcum powder or

45:01

a finger that could travel through time? Well,

45:04

I would like to have the... I've

45:06

thought about this one a lot because I've heard this

45:08

in other episodes. I would like the talcum powder, which

45:10

no one chooses, because this week... Sorry, I've forgotten your

45:13

name, but someone emailed me to tell me that with

45:15

talcum powder, if you use talcum powder you can get

45:17

sand off your feet really easily. So

45:20

I would do that. I don't ever

45:22

go anywhere with this sand, but it would just be knowing

45:25

that if I was on a beach and there was all cylinder and you

45:27

could just... Talcum powder comes straight up.

45:30

That's quite an interesting... That is interesting fact. No one

45:32

has ever come up with that fact. Even Stephen Fry,

45:34

who was on here, he didn't

45:36

come up with that. So you are clever than Stephen Fry. I

45:38

am. What's it like being

45:40

Stephen Fry? I

45:44

imagine it's not quite good most of the time,

45:46

but then sometimes you get a bit depressed. I

46:00

think that's probably accurate. So that is, what's

46:04

it like being Richard Herring? That's a good question.

46:06

I should ask that to everyone, and not that,

46:08

but about themselves. I think I'd

46:10

be interested to know what they think. A lot of

46:12

my time's taken up masturbating in hotel rooms to

46:16

dancing women, and then thinking,

46:18

why did I do that? I couldn't have had

46:20

sex with them. I'm

46:22

gonna waste my one shot for this two day

46:24

period. And

46:28

it's good. It's sort of weird. I

46:31

think I was, I probably

46:33

went through a period in the last 10 years where I

46:35

got a bit depressed about maybe things not going in as

46:37

well as I wanted them, or not, things

46:39

seemed to be progressing, and then they seemed to,

46:41

the rug was pulled out from under my feet

46:43

a little bit. But I think actually I've been

46:45

very fortunate with that. Is this

46:48

the serious bit where you get me to open

46:50

up and be, say something, yeah, it is. It's

46:52

a clever question a child asks me. It

46:55

is a clever question, because you do, I don't

46:57

know, I think I'm in a lucky position where

46:59

I'm making my own stuff, and

47:01

most people don't know who I am, which

47:03

is actually quite good. I think when you're a younger person,

47:05

you sort of think, oh, I'd be great to be famous,

47:08

I'd be great to be the most successful person

47:10

or whatever you're doing. But I think it's kind

47:12

of much nicer not being famous. You need to

47:14

be a little bit known so that people

47:17

will still come and see you. So

47:19

there's a trade-off to it. But it's actually not being in

47:21

this position where I can do exactly

47:23

what I wanna do and have autonomy over pretty much

47:25

everything I do and

47:27

still make a living doing it, and I've

47:29

got a family now, of course, which is

47:31

very nice. So I'm in a

47:33

much better place than I've been, I think.

47:36

Do you ever feel jealous of all the other people you've

47:38

worked with who are doing much better than you are? No,

47:42

I'm very happy for everyone. I

47:46

am genuinely pretty happy for everyone. It's sort of

47:48

a weird thing. You know, you are, but I

47:50

think you're also aware that it's

47:52

just, I mean, you realise the sort of

47:54

luck involved and maybe the hard work involved

47:56

or the dedication. I think sometimes with people

47:59

it's... You've got to

48:01

be so focused, I think, on wanting to,

48:03

in such a competitive industry, that you've got

48:05

to be so focused and maybe just think

48:07

about yourself that much. I'd rather be,

48:09

you know, less, I'm

48:13

glad I'm less ambitious than I used to be, I

48:15

think, and I'm glad that I'd rather do this up

48:17

and be generous and help other people out above

48:20

myself, because, you know, rather

48:22

than be a prick. Which some

48:24

of them aren't. Which ones, which ones are

48:26

the pricks? Some

48:29

of them, I saw, some of them now turn out to

48:31

be pricks, but most of them are alright. So,

48:35

what is the worst emergency you've ever been involved

48:37

in? That is a great emergency question, which I

48:39

should ask, because it's literally an emergency question. What?

48:45

I find that more satisfying than the audience do.

48:48

I've been in many emergencies. I

48:50

did a Little Two in One

48:52

podcast. When I was 19, I

48:55

went to uncap America, my

48:57

year off, which is when they get loads of

49:00

kids from Europe to go to America to work

49:02

for no money in horrible camps

49:04

where they send their... It's kind of, you know, I

49:07

mean, it's not a good thing being in any kind of

49:09

camp, because sending people to a camp is generally a bad

49:13

idea, I would say, but they send all their

49:15

kids away for a few weeks or a month

49:18

or so, so they can enjoy themselves. Being a

49:20

parent now, I can understand. But

49:22

we had... We were in a weird situation.

49:25

Most of them were quite rich families sending

49:27

their kids to Central America, where it's quite

49:29

boring. Not Central America, they're

49:31

mid-week from America. This one

49:33

was in California in the Redwood Forest, and it

49:35

was all the kids from Oakland and Francisco. It

49:38

was quite a lot of hot roof kids

49:40

who had a difficult upbringing. So that was... I

49:42

think the next year, someone got shot

49:44

by one of the kids on

49:47

an archery range or something, but, like, it

49:49

was simply shot. And so

49:51

it was a little bit rough, but that

49:53

wasn't... On the last day of

49:55

the camp, there was a massive fire that had

49:57

a big party in this... cabin

50:00

in the woods and then something

50:02

over and this cabin went

50:05

on fire and everyone got away and everyone was safe

50:07

but we were woken up really drunk

50:09

because we had been in a party and looking

50:11

up at the hill and redwood

50:13

trees exploding in fire aware

50:16

that the nearest fire brigade was 200 miles

50:19

away so we had to kind of try

50:21

and put out the fire ourselves and

50:23

I was genuinely thought I'm definitely going to die

50:25

now this is definitely the end but luckily it

50:27

rained that day everyone was a bit damp and

50:29

we did most contain it once under the

50:32

fire brigade right but that was quite bad emergency and

50:34

luckily all the kids had gone up so if there

50:36

was going to be a massive fire at the camp

50:38

that was the best time for a damp but

50:40

no one died so that's all right. What

50:42

an interesting story I can't believe you've never

50:44

written a script about that. Quite

50:48

a few people have written there's been a couple of

50:50

sitcoms about from a camp which is annoying

50:52

because I think they did well. On

50:54

that, there we go. Well

50:56

let's talk a little bit more about

50:59

your career. Just to have interest

51:01

though how long have we done so

51:04

far? Let's have a look. I'm going to go for

51:06

two hours. 45

51:17

minutes I can't believe it. We haven't talked

51:19

about anything yet. Well

51:21

like you know it's weird having been in a double

51:23

act and then going solo but I think you didn't

51:25

want to do it. It's obviously like you didn't enjoy

51:28

stand up the first time around and you stopped doing

51:30

stand up and then you came back to stand up.

51:33

There was a difficult period I think where everyone was

51:35

because Stuart Lee who'd worked with us was suddenly doing

51:37

very well and people were saying that you... Yeah well

51:39

it was weird I got like reviews

51:41

saying I copied Stuart. I

51:44

think from people who didn't realise that we'd worked

51:46

together for ten years or maybe just thought that

51:48

because they saw him first that he must have

51:50

done all the stuff and a lot of things

51:53

came from a joint perspective. I think in those

51:55

early routines, going back and doing the twelve shows,

51:57

I think the only one I think actually that

51:59

is... off Stewart Lee, it's the hand job

52:01

centre one I did, but she's exactly like

52:03

the boy you cried wolf, which is one

52:06

of his routines. But apart from that, I

52:08

don't think we would come

52:10

from a similar place. It was an interesting Lee and

52:12

Harry gig we did, and I think it was in

52:14

Gravesend, it's wherever Pocahontas is buried. And

52:17

there's a bit in the show, this Lee

52:19

and Harry show, where I had to push the thing

52:21

as far as I could, and Stu would be affronted

52:23

and tell me how to shuffle, and I had to

52:25

offend the audience. And that usually worked,

52:27

and then I got chastised, and I would cut

52:30

up something horrible. But in Gravesend, whatever I said,

52:32

the audience loved it. And

52:34

I had to go further,

52:36

because I had to get to this point where I

52:38

had to upset them, so I was talking about digging

52:40

up Pocahontas and fucking her in her eye holes. And

52:45

they were still just, they were going, yeah! And whilst Stewart

52:47

was going, no, no, they were going, no, yeah,

52:49

do what, do what? And so we got this

52:51

weird position with an audience where we were complicit

52:54

in this thing, it was

52:56

like being with your group of friends, where you

52:58

can say something really offensive, because your friends know

53:00

it's a joke, and you're in a safe environment,

53:02

and it's not going to, in the modern world,

53:04

know we're safe anymore with the thought police, am

53:06

I right? Yeah. But if we

53:09

catch this weird, complicit thing, and I think both of

53:11

us feel that, that was like, I think a lot

53:13

of the stuff we subsequently did, where we pushed boundaries

53:15

or something, for example, I

53:17

don't even watch Stewart's stuff, because I don't want

53:20

to get compared, I think he

53:22

does that thing about vomiting into

53:24

the anus of Jesus, and I

53:26

did a routine about fucking the stigmata of

53:28

Jesus, and people felt, oh, well, that's obviously

53:31

the same, maybe he's confident that. But

53:33

I'd never seen Stewart's routine, so it was, it

53:36

was, both of those routines, I

53:38

think, came from that shared experience.

53:40

I don't know why I said that

53:43

anymore, because my stuff's not that good.

53:46

So, but anyway, let's, there

53:48

was sort of weird, there was also,

53:50

I guess, this weird thing in Fist

53:52

of Fun, where you, very fascinating character,

53:55

there's so many things I could talk to you about. You

53:58

have a Julius O'Hara shrine. in Mr.

54:01

Fun. Yeah, well I'd always fancied the

54:03

actress, Judith Soiler, since she was in Priscang, which

54:05

I'd watched as a, I must have been around

54:07

21 or something, it was a

54:09

kid's show, you know, it was very sophisticated,

54:12

the bloke who wrote Doctor Hero, it's very

54:14

clever. And she was, you know, I was

54:16

fascinated by her thought she was beautiful and

54:18

funny, and I did a

54:21

joke in Mr. Fun about wanting

54:23

to pretend to be my girlfriend and wanting to be

54:25

my girlfriend. I think the joke was essentially I was

54:27

going to kidnap her and keep her in a well. But

54:30

it was a different time than 1990s, and that

54:32

was, you can't judge entertainers

54:36

of the past by what we,

54:38

nowadays, obviously most people think keeping

54:40

kidnapped women in wells is bad,

54:42

but in the 1990s most

54:44

entertainers were doing that, and that was just, so

54:46

that was, and I wasn't doing it, I was

54:48

just joking about it. And so

54:50

we had this shrine, it was a big

54:53

joke, and then I wrote a play called

54:55

Excavating Rita that we did in Edinburgh,

54:57

and then we were hoping to do it in London, and

54:59

we did a rehearsed reading of it, and I

55:02

can't remember why, but for some reason we sent the

55:04

script to Judith Soiler, I think it was because

55:06

I wanted to meet her and have sex with

55:08

her. And

55:10

she loved the play, she came

55:12

and did this play, and then

55:15

we'd done the rehearsals and done

55:17

the performance, and she found out

55:19

about this sketch that we'd

55:21

done, because Paul Palmer said, what do

55:24

you think about this sketch?

55:26

And she didn't know about

55:28

it, which I can't understand

55:31

that, right, she'd never heard

55:33

this sketch. You'd think

55:35

someone might mention, that's why I didn't,

55:37

I mean she was an unusual woman,

55:41

and she's a wonderful woman, but you would

55:43

just think someone would go, you know there's a guy doing a

55:45

sketch, but I wanted to keep you in a well, if you

55:48

ever meet that guy, probably don't run

55:51

away from him. So she

55:54

got upset about this and stormed out the pub, and then she came back

55:56

and said, oh the reason I was upset is because I really fancy it,

55:58

I was hoping it was a good one. we weren't hooked up.

56:01

Which was a bit of a turnaround, because that is not supposed to

56:03

happen, right? Your fantasy does not

56:05

come alive and ask you out. So I ended up

56:07

going out with Julius O'Halla, which was a very surreal

56:09

thing. And I emailed Stu, who's in Australia, and I

56:11

said, you know, I think I'm going out with Julius

56:14

O'Halla. And Stu genuinely thought I was

56:16

mentally ill. The only... The

56:21

TV show's been canceled. There

56:25

was a race, but that was, again, this thing

56:27

where sometimes something happens, and I've had that a

56:29

lot in my life, where you write something, and

56:32

then it sort of happens, and it's very surreal.

56:35

Weirdly with that, I kind of had

56:37

one of those dreams where you sort

56:39

of keep on waking up in the dream, and

56:41

that hardly ever happens to me. The

56:44

week that I met Julius O'Halla, I'd had one of

56:46

these dreams. And so I was quite convinced that

56:48

I was still in... I was just in a very

56:50

long part of the dream. I was

56:52

going to wake up, oh, God, yes, of course, that

56:54

was ridiculous. So I did. I ended up

56:56

going out with Julius for about 18 months. And that's

56:59

well done for showing off about that.

57:01

LAUGHTER And

57:06

what are you working on at the moment, Richard? I've

57:08

been to the ending in the

57:10

future. I'm doing a podcast called Richard

57:13

Sainz-Lester's Square Theatre podcast, which

57:15

I interview. Generally, I interview other people.

57:19

I would say that is a better idea. LAUGHTER

57:22

I've got a lot of things I kind of want

57:24

to do. I think I waste a lot of my

57:26

time doing stupid things, but are

57:28

of no value. I write a blog. I've written a

57:31

blog every day for 13 years, I think now it

57:33

is, coming up and do

57:35

lots of stupid podcasts. I really want to

57:37

do a podcast of the two old men

57:39

on the bonfire... LAUGHTER ..as a

57:41

sitcom. I genuinely want to do that as an

57:43

audio thing, which is, you know, no one will

57:45

listen to. It's a waste of

57:47

my time. I've been commissioned to write a sitcom for

57:49

Channel 4 about alternate

57:52

universes, but it's really hard. It's

57:55

really hard to write stuff. So I'd just

57:57

rather play with my daughter and then... around

58:00

in a theatre asking people's

58:02

questions. Well

58:07

good luck, you should write that, you should try

58:09

and write the thing. You've

58:11

been on Celebrity Mastermind and Pointless, yeah

58:14

I really don't like to talk about those. Ok,

58:18

we'll wriggle that one. And

58:21

will there be any more Collings and Heron podcasts?

58:23

I don't think there will, it's a shame, I

58:25

enjoy doing those and I think it's the end,

58:28

it kind of came to a natural end, it

58:30

probably should have ended a little bit earlier. It

58:33

came to an end because we had a disagreement about

58:35

whether it should have been carrying on doing

58:37

The Sixth Music Show without me, but I

58:40

think in the end he didn't want to do it anymore. I

58:42

think that was a very important

58:46

time in my career because I think I realised

58:48

the power of being able to do stuff completely

58:50

on my own and the nice thing about that

58:53

was really easy to do, it was lots of

58:55

fun and it's still like Andrew and we had

58:57

a little bit of a snap but it's

58:59

water under the bridge really. But I think he

59:01

realised it wasn't for him either because it became

59:04

a bit too much, he's a serious journalist and

59:06

if he turns into being a comedy character, so

59:08

I don't think he wants to do any more

59:11

of those. But that's where the Let's Square

59:13

Set podcast came from, so I thought how can I carry

59:15

on doing that sort of thing. But you know,

59:18

without Andrew Collins in it, I should have thought

59:20

about that a long time before. Why

59:23

don't I put some actual comedians in

59:25

there? And that worked out well. So

59:27

that led, I'm going to say, also it

59:29

doesn't occur to me, which I'm kind of

59:32

hoping to do as a video monthly thing.

59:34

It's been exciting doing all these things via...

59:38

This is so stupid. I

59:40

know. It really is. It

59:43

really is. I've

59:46

done Rich James' Meaning of Life, which

59:48

again, was sort of tested in the water

59:50

of doing a stand-up and sketch show

59:53

cheaply on the internet. I think it cost us about 25,000 per person

59:56

to do that, which we covered

59:58

via people donating bad money. and come

1:00:00

to see it. And it kind of didn't quite

1:00:02

work, but it's an interesting, I

1:00:04

mean, certainly, I think people didn't get into it as much

1:00:06

as some of the other things, as it occurs to me,

1:00:08

for example, which I think it would really get into, because

1:00:10

it's maybe a bit easier to ingest. But

1:00:13

it sort of shows the possibilities, I think. And

1:00:15

that's what I think is exciting about the internet,

1:00:17

is that we have these possibilities to be autonomous

1:00:19

and to be creative with people, the lovely people

1:00:22

who give to Kickstarter and the badges we can

1:00:24

carry on doing more stuff.

1:00:27

So that is interesting. Well,

1:00:30

I don't think that's for you to say. I

1:00:34

think it is for me to say. When

1:00:36

you put your cutlery in the dishwasher, I

1:00:39

do the same as you. OK. You

1:00:42

are correct. Do you have a

1:00:44

favorite towel? Yes, I do. And Roy Vincent.

1:00:47

My dear, I'm sorry. We

1:00:49

all know about that. Which

1:00:53

celebrity would you like to stroke your hair as

1:00:55

you die? I

1:00:58

haven't thought about that one. I'm looking the

1:01:00

wrong way. I

1:01:03

had to look over there to just think about it. Which

1:01:07

celebrity would you like? Probably the same

1:01:09

as you. OK. I think

1:01:11

I'd like the actress Emma Chan from Humans

1:01:14

to stroke my hair as I die. But

1:01:16

as a robot, I

1:01:18

want to be in character as a robot as she dies. I

1:01:20

don't want her doing it. I reckon she'll be boring. But I

1:01:22

think, as a robot, she's just shaking my

1:01:24

head and her eyes are glowing. It

1:01:26

is all right, Richard. You are going

1:01:29

to die. You can activate my sexual functions.

1:01:34

I'm not sure I can get the, I'm now being

1:01:36

Emma Chan. So I'm not being him. I'm being Emma.

1:01:38

I'm not sure. No, I'm being me. I'm not sure

1:01:40

I've got enough strength to Anna to, oh god, suddenly

1:01:44

it's Emma Kennedy. This is the problem with, ah,

1:01:48

whatever. I'm about to die.

1:01:50

Come on, we might as well. Just do it once. Just

1:01:52

to see what, I've not got, there's a scratch card. I

1:01:54

haven't got enough energy. Don't worry about it. It

1:01:56

was a bad bit. It

1:01:59

was a bad bit. And, God,

1:02:03

just looking at the time. I don't have that

1:02:05

for an hour. Does that

1:02:07

feel like an hour to you on the 40th? Who

1:02:12

do you think is the biggest prick who

1:02:14

comes to left square fear? That

1:02:19

is a hard part. I mean, there's so much... It

1:02:22

is hard, I don't think, to choose. I

1:02:24

love all of those guys. And

1:02:27

this blokey, he's not been here before. Have

1:02:30

you been before? Yeah. Have you been

1:02:32

here for Scotland? I know, yeah, yeah. How

1:02:36

do you know that? Is he

1:02:38

your older lover, this guy? Oh, I didn't go with that.

1:02:40

Oh, you should have, yeah. Is he your older

1:02:42

lover? He's

1:02:46

divorced. Hey, yeah. Yeah.

1:02:50

That's why he's doing this, as if I'm

1:02:52

going to... Hey, Rich, I'm divorced. Emma

1:02:56

Chan, mate. Emma Chan. I haven't got a chance. If

1:02:59

I'm going to lose my wife to someone, it's not going to be

1:03:01

you. I'll

1:03:03

do that right now. Well, it's been

1:03:05

very interesting talking to you, Richard, and

1:03:08

being interviewed by you. Well, good cover, because you started

1:03:10

off being me, didn't you? I did,

1:03:12

and then I turned it round. There's

1:03:16

so much more we could talk about. There's so

1:03:18

much, many more stuff we could talk about. Yes,

1:03:24

there is. Let's have a look and see. A

1:03:27

couple of things in here. I'll tell you what

1:03:29

we haven't covered, though, Richard, is, have you heard

1:03:31

of the website? Dirty Book. I

1:03:37

have. I've heard of it. Yeah, I read

1:03:39

that quite regularly, some reviews. Because actually there

1:03:41

is some new... They've opened up again recently,

1:03:43

and there's some new ones. So

1:03:46

let's have a look and see if they're here. If

1:03:48

I can find it. Might have

1:03:50

to go back in and search again.

1:03:54

So, yeah, you are in here. That's amazing

1:03:56

the people in here. I don't know if

1:03:58

you... You've probably... many of you

1:04:00

have been to look at it, but there was Captain

1:04:03

Manring in there, I think. And

1:04:05

Diane Morgan isn't in there.

1:04:09

I despair of the purpose of this country.

1:04:14

Joe Wilkinson's in there, and Diane Morgan isn't in there. That

1:04:16

does not make any kind of

1:04:19

sense. So I'll just find it.

1:04:21

There's Richard Herring. So these are the new ones. I

1:04:25

want Richard Herring to bend me over a

1:04:28

snooker table and commentate while he fucks me.

1:04:32

Well, it's a quarter snooker board, so I

1:04:34

could never have sex with someone. This one

1:04:36

might come up in a couple of weeks

1:04:38

as well. I want David Mitchell to slowly

1:04:41

emerge from a giant vat of mayonnaise into

1:04:43

the waiting arms of an oily and excited

1:04:45

Richard Herring, who

1:04:48

proceeds to lick the mayonnaise off

1:04:50

of David Mitchell's semi-jolletinous body, except

1:04:53

for his anus. After

1:04:58

that, they have unlubricated sex and talk about

1:05:00

the Bible. They

1:05:03

are both ashamed and beg God for forgiveness.

1:05:08

Yeah, I think that's... I

1:05:11

think some people have worked out that if

1:05:14

they write something funny on there, there's a chance

1:05:16

I'll read out on the pocket. I'm sure that

1:05:19

isn't the case. I feel like that is a

1:05:21

genuine fantasy. Herring's

1:05:23

attempt at a Scottish accent, it's

1:05:26

called a skeet-chaxon, makes

1:05:28

me laugh so much, I find myself thinking about

1:05:30

sitting on his face just to shut him up. Literally

1:05:35

sitting on my face, that would be weird. I

1:05:38

want Richard Herring to grow back his Hitler moustache and

1:05:40

then rim me with it. Yeah.

1:05:44

Act yah Richard, act yah. Do

1:05:47

you think you'll ever grow back the Hitler moustache? I don't think I

1:05:49

will, but I have said that a few times and then have had

1:05:52

to grow it back for a show. I think that is the last

1:05:54

time I will have the Hitler moustache,

1:05:56

which was as interesting a point as I was making

1:05:58

was a pathetic and pure eye. I'd

1:06:02

like to lie on my bed, turn my laptop

1:06:04

on its side and read about Richard Haring's day

1:06:06

on his blog while I rub my cock. That

1:06:10

has really ruined the whole process of writing a blog.

1:06:13

Why is he putting the laptop on its side? And

1:06:20

I want Richard Herring to test me

1:06:22

on A-level capitalist questions. He'd spank me

1:06:24

if I got it wrong and fuck

1:06:26

me if I got it right. It's

1:06:30

a win-win situation. Yeah, it does make me feel

1:06:33

cheap. It does make me feel cheap and

1:06:35

disgusting, but I like that. It's

1:06:37

nice and interesting. It's better that they do

1:06:40

it there, isn't it? There. Then

1:06:43

come out of their homes and get involved

1:06:46

with anything else. I suppose I should stop looking

1:06:48

over there and ask you this question. Would

1:06:55

you rather date a man who

1:06:57

was a six-foot tall penis or

1:07:01

a man who, instead of having a penis, had a

1:07:03

tiny man, which of those two? Well,

1:07:05

I'm married, Richard, so I would imagine your

1:07:07

wife has died. You've quite

1:07:09

a few months to go. In like maybe two or three

1:07:12

weeks, you've got over it. You're

1:07:14

back on the... You're back on

1:07:17

the... There's...

1:07:21

It may be disappointing, you know, in a lot

1:07:23

of ways. But look at the positive side. And

1:07:26

so you're back on the date. Which would you

1:07:28

rather... Out of those two, would

1:07:30

you rather? Is someone having an interesting question

1:07:32

about this? I've forgotten what

1:07:34

it was. So I think... No

1:07:37

one goes for the big penis guy, which... I

1:07:39

feel sorry for the big penis guy. I think

1:07:41

the man with the little tiny man is a

1:07:43

kind of weird situation. So

1:07:46

I'd like... You've

1:07:48

got nice personality, the penis man. I

1:07:50

think you would overcome the embarrassment

1:07:53

of it. I know plenty

1:07:55

of people look like penises who walk around anyway,

1:07:58

so why not? Someone

1:08:00

did tell me a link where you can buy, I don't

1:08:02

know why you'd want this, but you can buy a mask

1:08:04

that is the head of a penis. Like

1:08:07

a real head of a penis. So

1:08:10

maybe I'll buy one of those and test that out. Maybe I

1:08:12

can get my wife to wear that mask. I'll

1:08:14

walk around and see how that's going. If I

1:08:17

don't like it so much I'll try and keep

1:08:19

her alive and stuff. Though

1:08:21

I don't have to resort because I think it's

1:08:23

either that guy or a penis

1:08:26

guy. And

1:08:28

I think I'd rather stay with my wife

1:08:30

overall. She's quite, have we done alright? So,

1:08:33

yeah, well look, we're going to have to end

1:08:35

because it's time to kick everyone out of the

1:08:37

theatre. But, you know,

1:08:40

I mean, what do

1:08:42

you think the audience are thinking at the

1:08:44

moment? I don't know, I don't really know

1:08:47

what to think. But it's been very

1:08:49

nice to do this. Thanks very much Richard for

1:08:51

coming in. It's been really lovely for you to

1:08:53

come. Seriously,

1:08:56

no problem at all, that is. It's

1:08:59

been amazing. Do I get the 250 quid at

1:09:01

the guest? Should

1:09:04

have, then we should have had here would have gone. Yes,

1:09:08

yes, my bad, my bad. We

1:09:10

appreciate it. A big round of applause to my guest this

1:09:13

week, Richard Herring. Thank

1:09:25

you. Tired

1:09:56

of ads crashing your comedy podcast

1:09:59

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1:10:01

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1:10:13

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powers the world's best podcasts.

1:10:21

Here's the show that we recommend. Hi,

1:10:25

I'm Michelle Obama, and in my

1:10:27

podcast, I talk about so many

1:10:29

of the lessons I've learned that

1:10:31

are centered around finding your inner

1:10:33

confidence, understanding your own

1:10:35

story, and persisting, even if

1:10:38

it feels like people are

1:10:40

judging and watching your every

1:10:42

move. I get into

1:10:44

this and a lot of other meaningful topics

1:10:46

with some of my closest friends

1:10:48

on my podcast, The Light.

1:10:51

Take a listen on Audible now. The

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Light podcast is presented by

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1:11:01

and monetize their podcasts

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everywhere. a-cast.com. Thanks

1:11:09

for listening. richardherring.com/rahalastapa for the Rahalastapa

1:11:11

tour. richardherring.com/gigs or richardherring.com/ballback slash tour

1:11:13

for the tour gigs. All make

1:11:16

wonderful Christmas gifts for the Richard

1:11:18

Herring fan in your family, which

1:11:20

is probably just you. So just

1:11:22

tell all your friends and family

1:11:24

to buy them for you, and

1:11:27

then get 100 tickets to each

1:11:29

show, and then just sit

1:11:31

on your own, watch me on your own. Okay, thanks

1:11:33

for listening, bye.