0:00

Hello my finest friends, welcome

0:02

to the Richard Herring podcast

0:04

feed powered by Acast Plus

0:07

and jokes about willies.

0:10

We've got some great stuff coming up, we're back

0:12

on tour with Braham Lestopper, we're in Brighton on

0:15

the 1st of February with Rufus Jones and Maisie

0:17

Adam. Hardly any tickets left for that one.

0:20

Then we're in London with Armando Iannucci and

0:22

Rob Brydon, no tickets left for that one

0:24

but you can join the waiting list. We're

0:26

in Colchester with Mary Beard and Tony Gardner

0:29

from My Parents Are Aliens and many other things.

0:31

Then back in London there's only one more London

0:33

gig with tickets left, it's with Ed Gamble. Obviously

0:35

he can sell out the Albert Hall but can

0:37

he sell out the Leicester Square Theatre? No he

0:39

cannot so there's tickets for that one. And

0:42

then I'm in Bedford with Olaf Falafel, Bristol

0:45

with Phil Hammond and Abbie Clark sold out.

0:48

Leicester Comedy Festival with Simon Munro and Phil

0:50

Ellis, Canterbury with Jim Moyer

0:52

and Nancy Sorrell and Nick Wilty. Dublin

0:54

with Tommy Tiernan, biggest selling gig of

0:56

the tour, still some tickets left. Cardiff

0:59

with Charlotte Church, maybe a couple of tickets

1:01

left if you're quick. And then Sheffield, London,

1:04

Warwick Arts Centre, Glasgow sold out.

1:06

And Hull to complete me

1:09

doing Rahalestopper's probably for the rest of the year,

1:11

let's face it. So do come and see that,

1:13

come and see me on tour with,

1:16

can I have my ball

1:18

back? It's richterring.com for tour

1:20

dates and richtering.com for

1:23

stand-up tour dates. Anyway

1:25

sit back relax and enjoy a nice podcast.

1:30

As a person with a very deep

1:33

voice, I'm hired all the time for

1:35

advertising campaigns. But a deep voice doesn't

1:37

sell B2B, and advertising on the wrong

1:39

platform doesn't sell B2B either. That's

1:42

why if you're a B2B marketer,

1:44

you should use LinkedIn ads. LinkedIn

1:46

has the targeting capabilities to help

1:48

you reach the world's largest professional

1:50

audience. That's right, over 70 million

1:52

decision makers all in one place.

1:54

All the bigwigs, then mediumwigs. Also

1:57

smallwigs who are on the path

1:59

to becoming bigwigs. Okay, that's

2:01

enough about wigs. LinkedIn ads allows you to

2:03

focus on getting your B2B message to

2:05

the right people. So, does that mean you

2:08

should use ads on LinkedIn instead of hiring

2:10

me, the man with the deepest voice in

2:12

the world? Yes, yes it does.

2:14

Get started today and see why LinkedIn

2:17

is the place to be, to be.

2:19

We'll even give you a $100 credit

2:22

on your next campaign. Go

2:24

to linkedin.com/results to claim your

2:26

credit. That's linkedin.com/results. Terms

2:29

and conditions apply. And

2:58

use code ACAST for 20% off your

3:00

first purchase. ...about

3:28

two years ago on a tube, which

3:30

was not his fault. It's Richard Herring!

3:39

Very much, hello! Welcome to

3:41

the 10th episode, 15th, of

3:43

Richard Herring's Bestest Square Theatre

3:46

Podcast. I was down at

3:48

Shrek Adventure London the other day. It's good

3:50

they put Shrek in it. It's good. You

3:52

should go see it. And

3:55

there was a man dressed as a Shrek there. He called

3:57

it relish-a-bush. I don't know if you know the catch, Tom.

4:00

There's a tube on the way, there's a difficult situation,

4:02

the tube on the way here now standing is

4:04

quite a packed tube, and then

4:06

somebody had done a really horrible, really nasty

4:08

fire that sort of drifted in. And it's

4:10

difficult to know how to respond, isn't it?

4:12

Because you don't want anyone to think it's

4:15

you who's done it, but if you overreact

4:17

to that, it looks like you're acting like

4:19

you haven't done it because you've done it.

4:21

And the train pulled into a station, I

4:23

thought, I can't, it's horrible, but if I

4:26

get off and move to another carriage, everyone

4:28

will think I did it. So we all just had to... It

4:31

was a muck-sucking standoff, that is not

4:33

racist. No, wait, I'm not saying

4:35

they fuck one. But I would

4:37

build a wall to stop it. That is what I'm saying. And

4:40

I'd make them pay for the fast. I

4:45

was in that London Zoo yesterday.

4:50

I was with my young family, and some friends with kids

4:52

from the London Zoo. Very good London Zoo. Although it's

4:54

so weird, I think, it's kind of

4:56

more encased, encased, as you're probably

4:58

aware of what a zoo is. It feels...

5:01

It was all right, apart from the gorilla enclosure,

5:03

there was a really big gorilla just sitting there,

5:05

looking so sad. For a

5:08

moment, I thought it was like a model, because it was so

5:10

still, then it moved, and I thought it was a man dressed

5:12

up as a gorilla, so they probably wouldn't do that. That

5:15

might be a nicer way of doing

5:17

the gorillas, though, just as unemployed actors

5:19

pretending. And he just looked so angry.

5:21

I might have watched too much Planet

5:23

of the Apes, but it felt like

5:25

it was... It's just a little

5:27

change in DNA, and he'd be walking around from

5:29

the angle and looking at stuff. It feels

5:31

wrong. It feels like a prison when it's a great

5:34

egg, but it's good. It's good to see it. But

5:37

when the eggs do turn take over, London Zoo will still

5:39

be out, but obviously all human

5:41

beings will be in all the cages, but there'll be

5:44

an exhibit about the awful way animals were treated, like

5:46

a sort of memorial thing, weren't there? And

5:48

then they'll go in the restaurant, and they go, this

5:50

is where the human beings came and who claimed they

5:52

liked animals and ate animals. It's kind of... It's sort

5:54

of weird that you eat a beef burger in a...

5:57

in a zoo and sort of... I

5:59

did it. So it's,

6:02

we've got some VIPs in today,

6:04

we've got Victoria Lesch, where I give

6:06

some a woop, Victoria, there she is. She'll

6:09

have a special hand for you. She'll

6:11

wear a hand. Colin Aniston is in him, there

6:13

he is, got his hat on. There's

6:15

also a replacement VIP from someone who came

6:17

in the other week and it did turn

6:19

out we sent this taxi called Tom Sawyer,

6:21

which doesn't seem very likely to me.

6:23

But where are you to... He's

6:27

there, that's him, I don't know if that is him, maybe he

6:29

didn't, maybe that's the joke, he's just going to keep not turning

6:31

up. Tom Sawyer,

6:33

that's a made up character. And

6:36

yeah, we've got a double helping, the next two,

6:38

we've got a double helping of F&M for

6:40

the next two weeks, because

6:43

it's the initials of the guests. Our

6:46

guest this week is probably best known for

6:48

her work as a runner on the TV

6:50

show Our Friends in the North. That

6:52

is why we're at the most

6:54

high profile thing we have been involved in. He's

6:57

the opposite of me. That

7:08

was quite a nice introduction, I was brittin'

7:10

myself because it was normally

7:12

worse. Well,

7:16

you know, that's quite bad. I didn't

7:18

know that you were a runner on. It

7:20

is, in fact, quite. You were a runner. It's

7:23

not impressive. I got run. I was

7:25

a walker at best. Our

7:28

Friends in the North didn't realise it, it was Christopher Eccleston.

7:31

Yeah, Daniel Craig, Mark Strong, Gina

7:33

McKee. It was pretty good, wasn't it? Yeah, it

7:35

was quite chock full, really, of awesome people. Do

7:37

they remember you from being in there when you

7:39

meet them now? I've not mentioned it. Do

7:42

you remember I got you a sandwich once? No.

7:46

But it was a good thing to be on, it was

7:48

really... Which of them was the biggest prick

7:50

out of all the people in our Friends in the

7:52

North? They were all really nice. Daniel

7:54

Craig had an excellent moment genes, that was

7:56

one of my main memories. I

7:59

used to wait for him. to walk ahead. I

8:02

could see his bum and jeans. I

8:04

wasn't really a safe runner. That was slightly higher

8:08

level than I was. Right. Because

8:10

I sort of volunteered my services.

8:13

That's terrible. I

8:15

sucked them all off. I

8:18

didn't get paid. I wasn't paid runner because

8:20

I couldn't drive. So they said they couldn't drive but

8:22

I could hang out and do some stuff for free.

8:24

And I just

8:27

really wanted the experience. I wanted to work in film. I

8:29

wanted to be a film director at

8:32

the time. And I thought it would be a really

8:34

good experience and it worked. We need a runner for

8:36

a customer if you want to hang out. We'll give you 20 quid in

8:38

the sandwich. Yeah I'll do

8:40

that. Do I have to get me one sandwich?

8:42

You'll have to go and get the sandwiches but

8:44

we'll pay you the money. That's your job then,

8:46

you're the runner. At least you ran into all

8:50

of the sandwiches. Somebody could get my

8:52

own sandwich. Do you want me to go

8:54

out and get your sandwich? Yes. I will.

8:56

So it's nice to have you back. It's

8:58

nice to be back. I think everyone agrees.

9:00

We've talked four times including Edinburgh and everyone

9:02

says it's 4-0 to me so

9:05

far. Literally not. Even you don't think

9:07

that. That is what everyone has

9:09

agreed. So we'll see. I'm going to take it

9:11

a bit easy on you this time to give

9:13

you a chance. I always will. You know I

9:15

always will. We'll tell you what happened

9:17

this time though. Yeah. Because we socialised

9:19

beforehand. We did. You didn't embarrass me

9:22

massively by introduction. No. So I think

9:24

you might be softening. I've matured. Have you

9:26

really? I'm very mature now. Have you had a baby

9:28

on the way last time? That's right yes. I was

9:30

worried about, last time I was worried that I would

9:32

die before my baby, I saw my baby's face.

9:35

Now I've seen it enough. I'm ready to go. To

9:40

be fair, she is going to kill me as well.

9:43

She's going to kill you how? Well because

9:45

she's very tiring. I'm very old. She gets

9:47

up early. Oh she's doing kind of a low, like a

9:49

low level way she's going to kill you. She doesn't, it's not

9:51

going to be, she does murder me. If she does do

9:54

that, that would be a nice little bit to take out

9:56

of the podcast and make some kind of gif. I'm

10:00

gonna kill me. I mean you wouldn't, I

10:02

believe that we could all use it. You wouldn't maybe, either, because you'd be

10:04

dead. I would be dead, unfortunately. But, uh,

10:06

I'm not now. What are you scared of

10:09

now, then? Um, everything, now

10:11

everything's terrifying. The world's terrifying. It

10:13

is. And you've got a new one in, you

10:15

idiot. I know. You've got

10:17

a new person in this terrible, terrible world. We've got

10:19

a president who's, I mean, the American president of the

10:21

many bad things, if he's still alive, which last time

10:23

I printed, he wouldn't be by the time we were

10:25

talking, so apologies if Donald Trump

10:27

is dead. Because

10:30

you, no, no, you wouldn't do it

10:32

all. No, I don't think, because this is going

10:34

out in January or February, I don't think they'll

10:36

make it that long. You don't, yeah. That's quite

10:38

a long way off, doesn't it? Quite a long

10:40

way off. So, it is pence, instead. It's kind

10:43

of worse. But Donald Trump doesn't believe, he thinks

10:45

that climate change is a hoax created by the

10:47

Chinese. So that's quite worrying,

10:49

that's, out of all the things, that's quite a

10:51

worrying thing. He's not gonna do any of the

10:53

Paris agreements or stuff. So, my daughter will be

10:55

living underwater in 50 years, don't she? Oh,

10:58

like in a, like in a

11:00

after-nosey. Yeah. Well, it's nearly my

11:02

daughter living underwater, to the

11:05

slaughter. Yeah, I

11:07

finally got it when you did the slaughter, sorry. So,

11:10

you're worried about everything? Yeah, except by now,

11:12

I just, well, I'm always worried about everything anyway.

11:14

So, do you half-acticinct the times when you were just

11:16

worried that you wouldn't see your baby's face before you died?

11:19

I sort of do, that was a nice time. It was a

11:21

good old day. It was a good old day. But I've seen

11:23

a face, it's just got a nice face, so I'm glad I

11:25

didn't see it. You

11:27

know that you've just seen that they want... Whenever... I

11:30

feel like you might be a terrible father. The

11:33

problem is, like, either

11:37

I die before her, which is, and I don't see

11:39

how her life turns out to be terrible, or she

11:41

dies before I do, which is even worse, and those

11:43

are the only two options. So,

11:45

it's quite hard to enjoy life anymore, because

11:48

knowing that's how it's gonna go is awful. Is this the

11:50

first time you've realised that that's how life

11:52

works? No, but it's... It

11:55

took you to have a baby before you realised that at some

11:57

point, people die. I wanna see how it turns

11:59

out. But you know it's not a

12:01

sitcom. We haven't turned that far. I

12:05

think she'll get quite a few series. She'll be fine. So

12:09

yeah, that's my change. Do you think you've got

12:11

any more pets? I've

12:13

got a dog since the last time. Have you? Yeah, I've got a

12:15

dog. I've got a schnoodle. Thanks.

12:18

It's not a joke in itself, but thanks for

12:20

laughing at the type of dog I have. Feels

12:22

like that might be racist, whatever you laughed at

12:25

there. He's

12:27

a schnozzer in a poodle combined. And

12:30

he is very... He's a

12:32

little chicky chappy. He's adorable. He's a rescue. So

12:34

if he has any behavior that is sort of

12:36

bad, we just play a bit like always a

12:38

rescue. And they go, oh, that's okay,

12:40

that he's shitting my hat. He

12:44

won't excuse anything if you say rescue. It's almost a

12:46

shame he can't say it about people. He's

12:48

a rescue. So

12:52

he's got a little... He's got a poorly

12:54

foot at the minute because he pulled one

12:56

of his claws out in the garden. Not intentionally. He

12:58

caught it on the thing. And so he's got a

13:00

little boot on at the minute. And

13:02

it's really bad that I shouldn't laugh. But it

13:05

is hilarious because he's running with one sort of

13:07

clumpy foot. And then most of the time

13:09

he lifts it up in the air. When he sleeps, it's pointed up

13:11

and it looks like he's doing a nasty salute. I

13:14

mean, that might be his belief. I hope not. But it might be his

13:16

belief. I've not questioned him on it. The

13:19

dog claws grow back or have they reached up back on again? He pulled

13:21

out the whole nail

13:23

bed. Sorry, everyone. It

13:26

was at midnight on a Saturday night. My

13:28

vet is amazing. They were like, we'll see

13:31

you there in 15 minutes. Thanks. So

13:33

he's all right now. He's been up his tits on the

13:35

painkillers. It won't grow back. No,

13:37

he's not like a terminator. What

13:40

if you pull someone's nail out of their grow back? Not if

13:42

it's the nail bed as well. She

13:44

did the vet to say is that he's

13:46

left foreleg. And

13:48

I just reckon my brains because we call it an

13:50

arm. It is at the

13:52

front. Arm, legs, hands,

13:55

feet, nails. So

13:57

yeah, he's done the men, but he's been off his tits on

13:59

painkillers. My cat died so thanks for bringing up

14:02

pets. Was

14:08

your cat waiting to see your baby's face? I

14:14

think she was a bit put out that a

14:17

baby arrived. I don't think

14:19

the two things are connected but she's

14:21

been alive for a while. Can

14:24

you only look after one thing at a time? I've

14:28

got another cat. The other cat's doing well. You

14:30

had two cats but now he's got one. How

14:34

are the other one managers? He

14:36

is very stupid. They're rescued cats also. They

14:39

were very inbred. Someone tried to

14:41

breed a beautiful black and a

14:43

beautiful white cat. They're

14:46

nice looking cats but one of them is

14:48

very stupid and deaf. The

14:50

black cat had a heart condition. He's

14:55

got the stupid one left. If I

14:57

had to watch one of them be put down, I'd

15:00

prefer to watch him be

15:02

put down. If

15:08

I choose for one of them to die, I would kill him.

15:14

You sort of do kill them because you give

15:16

the order to go to the man. They

15:24

inject them with a... Putting

15:26

it out with misery. But you

15:28

don't give an order for a man or

15:30

a woman with a needle. Do

15:34

the killing now. Kill

15:36

it now. Why are you

15:38

crying Katie? You've got another

15:41

cat haven't you? I'm

15:43

very sad about your cat. What

15:45

are they called? Smithers is

15:47

the little one. I don't know. That's

15:51

sad. Named after

15:53

the Thunder Cat. I'm glad

15:55

you said that because I couldn't think of anything other than Thunder

15:57

Cat. That it might be named after. I'm

16:00

a lion or you know. It's got to be

16:02

there floor, like the kitchen, lino. Well I did

16:04

just call it lino in the end. It's just

16:06

be paying it again, lino. Thank you. So

16:08

yeah, I'm over, I'm getting on with

16:10

it. But you know, let's not talk

16:12

about cats. But let's

16:14

talk about gorillas, because I met a gorilla

16:17

this week and you fancy gorillas. I fancied

16:19

one. I didn't fancy all of them. Well okay, that's much

16:21

better than... I did

16:23

it. I'm selective. There was one very...

16:25

In Bristol Zoo. Oh

16:28

yeah. And it just sort of gave me

16:30

the eye. Okay. And I properly

16:32

fancied it and then I thought, bet

16:35

he's good at sex. What

16:37

do you think? And they're like a hairy man. Yeah.

16:40

I think, yeah. You put a picture

16:42

to your boxes. Gorillas have quite small

16:44

penises, because they're... That's

16:46

one of the things I learned doing Talking Cock. It's

16:49

not something I've... And they've got small penises. They've

16:51

got small penises, comparatively, yeah. To them or compared

16:53

to you. Well, every

16:56

animal compared to me. The

17:00

blue whale is looking at me going, I wish I had

17:02

of that. Wish I had a pack in something like that.

17:06

But yeah, they're... Because it's

17:08

something to do with fidelity and how faithful things

17:10

are, how big their testicles are and how big

17:12

their testicles are, yeah. Oh really? I

17:14

think the gorilla... I might be getting this wrong, but I think

17:16

the gorilla's quite a faithful animal. So they thought he can have

17:18

a... He can have a really loving penis. So is that

17:21

a gnat? That you're not faithful? Yeah, that means

17:23

I'm unfaithful. I've got

17:25

enormous testicles. Do

17:28

you think that's a good thing for a

17:30

weird to hear? Well, but that you're more

17:33

beautiful, maybe. I feel like you

17:35

look for it, do you? Actually,

17:38

you might be able to help me. Yeah, I'll tell you. No,

17:40

no, no, no, just not like

17:42

that. I've put my jeans

17:44

on today and I'm

17:46

slightly worried what this bit's for. So

17:49

they've fit around the top and they

17:51

fit on the left side. So

17:53

they've fit around the top and they

17:55

fit on the legs-ish, but I don't...

17:57

Is this for my massive testicles, actually?

18:00

I don't know what this... Am

18:02

I missing something? I don't

18:04

have big Olivia than what I am. There

18:08

are bits of me that are too big, but it would be good to

18:10

know that something was too small. I'm

18:13

confused. I had, I remember

18:15

at school being on a school bus, a

18:18

trip to France, I was wearing some brown

18:20

chino-y things. They had that coming up like

18:22

that, and I was very embarrassed. Did

18:25

it look like you had an erection? Well, it looks like

18:27

you had an erection. I've missed the space where

18:29

your genitals are meant to be. It

18:33

should be, with empties. Just vacated.

18:36

So maybe what you said before was all rubbish

18:38

then. Alright, do you want me to go out

18:40

and prove it? Is that what you want? I'm going to say

18:42

all gollocks, but that would help. That

18:45

bit of scallocks down there, touching them now.

18:47

Oh no, I don't know. Don't love to

18:49

shield your eyes. Thank you, thank

18:52

you. I call

18:54

that all up there. What's this for? Does

18:57

anybody know what it's for? Is

18:59

anybody in the room? Just

19:06

for the podcast listeners, Richard

19:09

was pretending to drink

19:11

his substantial apparently cocks.

19:13

Pretending? Oh, I was right

19:15

pretending. Perfectly

19:17

right. You seem

19:20

to be like a man who couldn't stop. Stop

19:22

wanking. Yeah, once you start. You

19:26

can't just have a- What in the matter, I've finished. He

19:31

goes to the next one, comes along. In

19:36

the old days, you were the

19:38

younger man. Now, you know, it

19:40

takes a little while to get there. You have to take

19:42

a run up to get there. And

19:45

then once it's over, it's bangs very much,

19:47

see you in quench for hours. See you

19:49

tomorrow. See you tomorrow.

19:51

See you tomorrow for more of my penis. Have

19:56

you got any questions? Yeah, I have. I

19:58

thought we should talk about- He's getting

20:01

the flirting out of this time of service. He's

20:04

already in his room and

20:06

it's hilarious! Is it a good

20:08

job he's married? He's off to the market now.

20:11

So that all the women are safe. You

20:14

grew up in South Shields. I did. Which,

20:17

did you know, in South Shields, William

20:19

Woodhav was from South Shields and he

20:22

was potentially the inventor of

20:24

the lifeboat, though there is some

20:26

debate about whether he actually was. Is

20:29

this him debate? Yeah, someone else claims that they're

20:31

the inventor of the lifeboat. Is that you? No.

20:34

William Woodhav, that's his name, William Woodhav.

20:37

Yeah, there's a boat. And Woodhav

20:39

House was some kind

20:41

of benefit to agency building as well, I think. I

20:43

can't really remember. A long

20:45

time ago he invented the lifeboat. That

20:48

wasn't really the fact. Maybe

20:50

he invented the lifeboat. I couldn't believe it. Do

20:53

you remember the trolley bus that used to be in South

20:55

Shields? No, 41 love. No, no. It

20:58

stopped in 64. Oh,

21:00

thanks. I just added 11 years. Did

21:04

your family ever ride on the trolley bus? They

21:06

don't talk about it now. No. What

21:09

is the trolley bus? I

21:12

think it's like a bigger

21:14

version of a trolley that you'd get an out of there. So

21:17

it goes up and down the street, but

21:19

everybody has to just climb up the side

21:21

and then sit in a big open

21:23

space together. And then a bit at

21:25

the front as well for the baby. And

21:28

then a giant man or woman pushes you

21:30

along the street. I

21:32

can see why that went out of fashion.

21:35

Yeah, ridiculous really. Did you

21:37

leave South Shields? Is it alright? Yeah,

21:40

it's nice to have the same front bushes now. I

21:43

didn't know your dad was, he wasn't a miner, but

21:45

he worked in the mines. Selectable engineering in the mines,

21:48

yeah. So the miners strike hit you

21:50

from... Yeah, with nine. So

21:52

you were getting extra food at dinner time at school and stuff

21:54

like this? Yeah,

21:56

we got... there's only two girls

21:58

in my year. who had dads and

22:00

who worked on the pit. So we always

22:03

got, because we had free dinners, and we

22:05

got extra dinners, because it was sort of

22:07

unlikely that we'd get much when we got

22:09

home, because there wasn't any money. But

22:12

we also got cuddles of dinner ladies, which,

22:15

yeah, was sort of worth the minus, right?

22:20

No, dinner ladies have always got cracking arms, haven't

22:22

they? It's all the mashes, isn't it? And

22:27

they usually got good answers. They must swap it

22:29

over, because they don't have one big mashing on.

22:31

And then one women skinny on. So

22:33

they must be ambidextrous on the mashing, I think.

22:35

I thought about this too much, I think. But

22:38

yeah, cuddles of the dinner ladies,

22:40

because they just felt surface. We

22:43

were having, when you're a kid,

22:46

we had some fun. It wasn't all sort

22:48

of miserable. I think it just kind

22:51

of brings the family closer together and all of those things.

22:54

And we did, what else did we do? We went

22:56

on holiday. I went on the only holiday I'd

22:58

ever had without my sister, my sister's oldest.

23:00

Obviously, she was always bloody there. But

23:03

then my sister was taken away with some

23:06

of, there

23:08

was a bit of money. The sort of French

23:10

miners paid for some of the British kids to

23:13

go over and have a holiday. And my sister was old enough

23:16

for her name to be put in the hat. And then she

23:18

got to go. So she went to gain. And

23:20

I was too young for the 99. So I

23:22

went to Carlisle. And

23:25

I was like, what the fuck? With

23:27

my mum and dad. It had probably one

23:29

of the best holidays of my life, because I

23:31

had this soul attention, which is all I really want,

23:34

is people's attention. So yeah,

23:36

we had some fun amongst all of the

23:38

kind of sad. Yeah. It's all

23:40

kind of been covered up. And there was a thing in the papers there about

23:42

how the. Well, all the

23:44

conservatives aren't allowing the papers saying

23:47

what they actually were doing. The

23:50

time's fast. It's about 30 years ago, isn't it? Yes,

23:52

kind of 32 years. Yeah,

23:55

I think there comes a point where those papers are meant

23:57

to be released. But they're not released to them because they

23:59

have to admit. They were all evil. wouldn't do. For

24:02

our I kind of. Remembers.

24:04

Nine In also remember stuff that happened

24:06

to me rather than what was actually

24:09

happening to my parents and. Like

24:11

the the various cities cinema is the

24:13

ran decided he was going to give

24:15

us some free stuff. yeah so the

24:18

a thing was crystal may be hidden

24:20

tons of the time and then became

24:22

safely on the be looked at. They

24:24

gave us so of tens and stuff

24:26

and that would last and also and

24:28

greater things in the days that if

24:30

he shouldn't I'm there. And. Then most

24:33

places decided to join in and they

24:35

gave us at thirteen trays of avocados.

24:39

I'm not a friend of mine. I knew what a

24:41

fuck they want to. I.

24:44

Ever Well I see we eat the skin to repeal

24:46

than what do we do they go into I don't

24:48

I've no idea I said with kindness they want to

24:51

do to help for didn't have that's a lot of

24:53

say it as if he were over order and. On.

24:55

The ramp. Up out

24:57

of our team to say yes

24:59

to a therapist Martha even the

25:01

to pop up a feel for

25:04

advertising never went. To

25:06

the does Nobody. Knew what to do with the

25:08

floor measure. avocados arriving I'm I thought I could

25:10

I'm old enough to her out of about right?

25:12

I remember a time of on progressive have a

25:15

gave. Everyone.

25:22

Has heard about that on avocados of

25:24

me thought pyramid shops. We're about with

25:26

the sophisticated middle path in the body

25:28

with half an avocado with the with

25:30

greatness of what you did with a

25:32

socket a common sense you could have

25:34

done better that. Would have been

25:36

told him he for. Hours:

25:39

about seventy You wanna be

25:41

coming to have a couple

25:43

of I could help that

25:45

was. founded

25:47

upon another minor our asses that would

25:49

have health that much but we were

25:51

the most is nice said you were

25:53

on this morning this morning and wasn't

25:56

this money is when the dream meal

25:58

for the skin feels An

26:00

interviewee? Yeah. Well, I get

26:02

longer on this. I got eight

26:05

minutes on this morning. What did the Phillips

26:07

Scopier ask you about? We talked about

26:09

my dog. We talked about messes

26:12

I make in hotels. We talked

26:14

about my DVD, which is out

26:16

today. I'll tell him about messes. I'll

26:18

just put a Scopier on and I'll tell him

26:20

about messes I made in hotels. I

26:24

thought if I was sitting up in

26:26

a hotel bed in a Premier Inn, oh,

26:28

I shouldn't say that, should I? Can I? Yeah.

26:31

And I'm back. They're not going to pay us, right?

26:33

OK. In a relatively

26:35

budget hotel, that's kind of purple. Premier

26:37

Inn. Premier

26:39

Inn. And I went to

26:42

the headway from the headboard. And some

26:44

of my hair stuck to the headboard. I

26:47

know. I just kept thinking it was jam. They

26:50

don't allow jam in the rooms. It wasn't jam.

26:52

It was fast, wasn't it? But

26:56

I just let it dry, brushed it out, off we go. You

26:59

know, that's what you know you don't understand. I

27:02

mean, you sort of wonder with hotels, because occasionally hotels

27:04

aren't clean, or a bit of it isn't clean. Yeah.

27:07

That's recently the bode on the shower curtain and the

27:09

travel lodge in Cambridge. But then it makes

27:11

you wonder, well, you know, you find something under

27:14

the bed sometimes. So like, if you, you have

27:16

to sort of, forget this, don't you? You have to

27:18

blank out what might be on the... I never did want

27:20

to do a sort of CSR-UB lighting. No.

27:23

Because it's just, it's up the

27:25

walls. I

27:28

had a friend who used to put a pube on the

27:30

bath when he first went into a hotel

27:32

room and then go and complain and then he'd

27:34

get a cheap one. They

27:37

never did a DNA test to find out how stupid

27:39

it was. Quite a good tip, that, isn't it? I

27:42

was once in Cambridge, and I know

27:45

husband, and there was old man pants under

27:47

the bed. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And

27:49

then old man in the courtroom. And

27:52

then old man in the car. Where? I

27:54

can't leave the room. I can't leave

27:56

the room. Take

27:59

it. Take the marriage. still going all right yeah yeah

28:01

I did well I might I'm on my first

28:03

I've never I've

28:05

never been to board I won't go I won't

28:07

go too much because I'm hanging on

28:18

by my fingernails at the moment but

28:23

I what's it like being married to a comedian it

28:25

must be fun you must be laughing all the time

28:27

imagine other reason there must be a very anybody ever

28:29

asked you always yeah yeah well it's what

28:36

we are funny yeah she doesn't find me funny at all

28:44

I don't know

28:46

what she likes to be oh she doesn't even

28:48

find you she would leave you I

28:50

don't know what she is I think she's just perverted

28:53

and this is me for

28:55

some reason but you know she just when

28:57

you win someone a lot of bullets that's

28:59

your life it's like mine are so big

29:01

if you a teabag in me again it's

29:14

like I would say they go like that round your chin

29:18

that we fell any captainette

29:20

banging against each other I

29:24

don't know why my wife married to me but you

29:26

don't need to know I think you just

29:34

stick with it don't you as well yeah cuz I mean

29:36

you didn't the first time but once you know you

29:39

start thinking it's been more hassle

29:41

than it's worth the

29:48

go yeah I think this one's more worth

29:50

it yeah my mom did say when

29:52

I first she first met my husband

29:54

now she said oh try to hold on to

29:56

this one and I have

30:00

I'm a poor nun because he's a good one. He is a

30:02

really good one this time. Yeah,

30:04

yeah. He'll do

30:06

alright. Good. I'm glad you're still alright. Keep

30:08

me up today. If we get... If

30:13

it's starting to go on the slide, let me know. I'm

30:17

happy to step in. That's all I'm saying. It's

30:20

nice to have a cup, isn't it? If

30:23

mine's going downhill, you know, if it's

30:25

speeding downhill, I could just jump across.

30:28

If it's going downhill at the same time,

30:30

then we could coincide. Okay.

30:34

Maybe I'll have to start to stop learning to love class, don't I?

30:43

As a person with a very deep

30:45

voice, I'm hired all the time for

30:47

advertising campaigns. But a deep voice doesn't

30:49

sell B2B, and advertising on the wrong

30:51

platform doesn't sell B2B either. That's

30:54

why if you're a B2B marketer,

30:56

you should use LinkedIn ads. LinkedIn

30:58

has the targeting capabilities to help

31:00

you reach the world's largest professional

31:02

audience. That's right, over 70 million

31:05

decision makers all in one place.

31:07

All the bigwigs, then mediumwigs. Also

31:09

smallwigs who are on the path

31:11

to becoming bigwigs. Okay, that's

31:13

enough about wigs. LinkedIn ads allows you to

31:15

focus on getting your B2B message to

31:18

the right people. So, does that mean you

31:20

should use ads on LinkedIn instead of hiring

31:22

me, the man with the deepest voice in

31:25

the world? Yes, yes it does.

31:27

Get started today and see why LinkedIn

31:29

is the place to be, to be.

31:31

We'll even give you a $100 credit

31:34

on your next campaign. Go

31:36

to linkedin.com/results to claim your

31:39

credit. That's linkedin.com/results. Terms

31:41

and conditions apply. Have

31:43

you ever Googled your own name? Prepare

31:45

for a shock because your personal info,

31:47

including addresses and phone numbers, is all

31:49

out there. It's all harvested by data

31:51

brokers and sold legally. Aura

31:54

is a personal digital security service that scans

31:56

the internet for your sensitive information and provides

31:58

a full suite of information. Privacy Enhancing

32:00

Tools. For a limited time,

32:04

Aura is offering listeners a 14-day free

32:06

trial at aura.com.safety. That's

32:09

a-u-r-a.com.safety to learn more and activate the

32:11

14-day trial period. jamesallen.com

32:13

is the online destination to easily

32:15

design a customized engagement ring and

32:17

save up to 50% compared to

32:20

traditional stores. You pick a diamond,

32:22

whether it's lab created or earth

32:24

created, James Allen has over 200,000

32:27

conflict-free stones. Then you pick your ring setting

32:30

and metal. And if you need some help,

32:32

they have real-time diamond consultations available where an

32:34

expert can walk you through it all. Get

32:36

25% at off your order at

32:39

jamesallen.com code ACAST. That's

32:41

jamesallen.com code ACAST. I'll

32:49

ask you some new emergency questions. I asked

32:51

you to come backstage. Is this your new

32:53

DVD? That's

32:57

my new DVD, Happy Now. Mine don't go

32:59

in the shops like yours

33:01

do. Do

33:04

you want me to put one in? I can

33:06

put one in an HMV for you. Yeah,

33:10

put it in an HMV because you can sell them for a lot

33:12

in there. 25 quid

33:14

in an HMV, can't you? 25

33:16

quid? How old are you? They're not 25 quid.

33:18

I know, but that's an HMV. They mark it

33:20

up, don't they? Yeah, but nobody will buy it

33:22

for 25 quid. You go into HMV to

33:25

see what's there and then you buy it online, don't you? That's

33:28

the basic. It's a little window shop for

33:30

the internet. As you're going outside.

33:32

I know you are outside. You

33:36

can look on the HMV website and then go and

33:38

buy somewhere else. That doesn't work, so that's it. If

33:41

you had to live out the rest of your life

33:44

being either Toby Young or Dom Jolly, would

33:48

you just kill yourself now? I've

33:53

not met either of them, to be fair. That's

33:57

really horrible. What

34:00

methods do I have to kill my children? What

34:02

options are they? The usual options? They're

34:05

the usual options. Let's not go

34:07

into those. I

34:11

don't know. No. What was that killed death

34:13

by testicle, did somebody say? It's

34:16

a tough choice. Is that maybe Dan

34:19

Kelly? Yeah, he killed me. Does...

34:22

I don't know. Does sex with a robot

34:24

count as cheating if the robot is an

34:26

exact copy of your partner in looks and

34:29

personality? Why

34:31

are you bothering them? Well,

34:35

because they're compliments to your partner. Like

34:37

you're away. Does your robot do different things to your

34:39

partner? No, it can be the same. Just the

34:41

same thing to your partner? But your partner goes away

34:43

and you go, while you're away I will make love

34:45

to an exact copy of you. It's kind of a

34:47

romantic... So your partner knows? Yeah. Your partner's given consent?

34:50

Yeah. Then that's

34:53

fine, that's for cheating. Would it be a bit of a

34:55

waste of having a sex robot? Yeah.

34:57

Did she never give me somebody else who does dirty

35:00

things? Okay. And what if the

35:02

sex... Didn't it? Oh,

35:04

I'd like you to do less than my partner. Please

35:06

just cuddle me. I

35:08

think robot cuddles would be really rubbish because they're

35:11

cold, aren't they? They'd be more than... Could you

35:13

cover one in like Fuzzy felt? You

35:16

could cover a robot in Fuzzy felt, that'd be worth

35:18

spoiling. The news is that you want... Promise

35:21

there's someone coming out next year that's £12,000. I

35:23

haven't researched this. I drove

35:26

a company called Abin. Where did

35:28

you get a prostitute? Well, £12,000 and

35:31

they have vibrating warm genitalia. But

35:35

the rest of them have called... You're

35:37

doing... You're doing just for the podcast

35:39

listeners. You're doing kind of

35:41

a hand vagina thing. Like a C

35:43

and N. Mat. So

35:46

warm vibrating genitalia... But the rest

35:48

of them have called... And the robot can talk. They'd

35:51

say, oh yeah. Is

35:55

the robot program to always enjoy it? Yeah,

35:57

I don't know. Can the robot sometimes... I've

36:01

got another episode of this box there. Fuck off.

36:05

Well, for me, I want to... You're building through

36:07

all the wall vibrations of the Talia. Well, I

36:09

think what I enjoyed when I was single was

36:11

the chase. It was the

36:13

seduction rather than necessarily that it was like, you

36:15

know... You want to chase a robot? I think

36:17

if the robot's definitely going to have sex with

36:20

you, I don't think that's

36:22

that exciting a press mix. So

36:24

I think you need a robot that you can chat up

36:26

and it might just go, no mate, sorry. I spent 12,000

36:28

pounds, it should have been better to chat me up. You're

36:32

interested? I think you might just

36:34

need a robot that can run. And

36:36

then you could just run after

36:38

it. That's just a very basic definition of

36:40

the word chase. Okay. What about

36:43

the robot that looks exactly like your partner? What

36:45

is an exact copy of them, what they looked

36:47

like 10 years ago when you first met them? Oh,

36:51

no, because anyone would feel really old and corrupt.

36:54

Because I like that way, aging and putting

36:57

weight on with the same speech. So it would make you feel bad

36:59

for them being young. I'd feel like a fucking house. If

37:02

they were like young and sort of slim and...

37:05

I don't think Gary was ever that slim. I

37:08

don't remember you ever being that fucking slim. But

37:13

we all had Stuart Lait to compare himself to. We

37:17

don't anymore, so we don't know how fat he is. I've

37:20

seen him, you should get him back. I'd

37:22

be looking pretty good. I

37:25

think... No,

37:27

I think I wouldn't want somebody who was in

37:29

you. You wanted to have sex with somebody? Oh,

37:31

you do, don't you? Look at your face. I

37:37

like men in their... Oh, I'm going to say I like men in their 40s.

37:40

You're in your 40s, isn't it? Oh, me too. Oh,

37:42

that's all right then. Yeah, I just wouldn't want

37:44

to go out with a 30-year-old. Oh, no. No.

37:47

So, no, I'll just stick to the one I've got. Is that an option? Yeah,

37:49

yes, that's all right. That's all right. I'll

37:51

do, I'll do. I'll ask you this question.

37:53

This is a popular new question. If

37:56

you had to do a human-sense beat with two other people... This

38:00

doesn't happen on this morning. You

38:02

are in the middle of

38:04

the centrepiece. Well, you've

38:07

got to get the maximum benefit. Which two people? So

38:09

who would be for you and who would be behind

38:11

you? So who's shit would I eat? And

38:14

who would I like to eat my shit? You've

38:17

got the basic gist of the question. Well I

38:19

have. I think I've seen the film but

38:21

I've read some reviews. I

38:24

think I'd like an old school bully to eat my

38:26

shit. Is that right? Yes. He's

38:30

shit to eat. He

38:32

also looks cool for you as well. I've loved

38:34

him since I was 13. I don't

38:37

think there's anything he'd do that wouldn't make me love him. I

38:39

think his food might be quite fruity still as well. Fruity?

38:42

Did he eat quite healthily? Yeah, I think

38:44

he might come out quite fruity. Slightly

38:47

decaying fruit on the bar. My

38:50

school bully would have a horrible time because I've got terrible IVs.

38:54

It's a good job she'd be sawn on. She

38:57

wouldn't get you a quick enough otherwise. You're

39:05

welcome. Have

39:08

you ever encountered your school bully or have you

39:10

looked up on Facebook or anything? No. I

39:13

do talk about her in my new

39:15

DVD set out now. Yeah,

39:18

so I have that there's no

39:20

need. I didn't like her

39:22

then. I'm not going to like her now. It's sort

39:24

of weird though with the bully. I think

39:26

it's because everyone was bullied and probably everyone bullied

39:29

someone without really realizing. You think everybody

39:31

was bullied? Isn't it

39:33

just because you're taking it from your audience? It's

39:36

not my audience. No offense.

39:40

In some situation in your... I

39:42

was watching The Secret Life of four-year-olds the other day

39:44

and kids were just horrible to each other and then nice

39:46

people were horrible to each other. I

39:48

don't think I bullied anybody. Do

39:51

anybody here think that they didn't bully anybody? One

39:55

person. Thank you. You and I

39:57

are the best people in the room, flower. Lord, is it

39:59

you all? I think you probably did.

40:01

I think most people to some extent you

40:03

might not necessarily, your bully might not remember

40:06

that you bullied her. Do you think she would? No,

40:09

I think you're absolutely right in that. I think people

40:11

will say, oh you behaved this way and you didn't

40:13

think it was bad at the time or so bad at the time. No,

40:16

I get that. I hope I didn't bully anybody.

40:18

I certainly didn't intend to. I mean I

40:20

do it now, just most of you though. But I think

40:22

you did. But it's so

40:24

weird for kids, but as an adult as well, people are trying

40:26

to get into cliques and they're trying to be threatened. You

40:29

try to be friends with people so if you see weakness,

40:31

I think as kids they see weakness and then they'll

40:34

pounce on that. So as a comedian you could

40:36

go two weeks and you're either protecting yourself or

40:38

you can sometimes be a bit cruel to somebody

40:41

else in order to distance yourself from them. It's

40:43

very well, Donald Trump works on that kind of

40:45

deflection and he's a bully. He works on that

40:47

deflection thing. He'll basically whatever

40:49

the other, so like this week

40:51

in the Hamilton thing, casting a hand where Pence

40:54

was booed by some of the audience of Hamilton.

40:56

And Trump has built access to

40:58

very bad behaviour. After all this stuff's come

41:00

out about him doing an impression of

41:02

a disabled person. But also he implied

41:04

that it was the cast that had behaved badly and

41:06

the cast were being very gracious from

41:08

what I've read anyway. Well yeah,

41:10

but it's that typical kind of

41:12

bully behaviour, this is your fault

41:14

and deflect on. These other

41:17

people are doing this stuff, not me. A

41:19

lot of adults use that deflection technique

41:21

pointing at the things that are

41:23

within them. I

41:26

don't think I'm as complicated as that. I'm not

41:28

saying anything. Your new DVD, it's called

41:30

Outsider. It is.

41:33

And why is it called Outsider in

41:35

terms of what? Well

41:37

firstly because I might say more. It's

41:41

really smart.

41:44

Because I used to be, I never liked being outdoorsy

41:46

at all, I was very indoorsy. I

41:49

would rather be in with the books than out, sort of walking. And

41:52

then when we moved to the countryside I sort of realised

41:54

why people like going outside because it's really pretty. And also

41:56

because I've got a dog and he needs emptying a lot.

42:00

Oh my gosh. We

42:02

just tried not feeding him because we thought

42:04

that would be easier. But, no,

42:06

he's, so we get to go on nice walks with

42:08

him and I just realized that it's, quite a lot

42:10

of the sort of the first bit is about being

42:12

outside, it is enjoying being outside. And then there's stuff

42:14

about being an outsider. And I think the most comics,

42:17

I think you would probably agree that we're all a

42:19

bit on the periphery. So, because everybody

42:21

else was going to a party and we weren't

42:23

invited and then we eventually write to them about

42:25

how we weren't invited to the party. So

42:28

I think, yeah, it's kind of both sides of what

42:30

an outsider is. I've not

42:32

made it sound hilarious. There's

42:35

jokes. So it's mainly just like you

42:37

walking around outside and it's pretty. Picking

42:39

up shit. Picking up shit outside while crying

42:41

about being an outsider at school. That's

42:45

the gist. Good. I'm gonna buy

42:47

a copy of it. You don't

42:49

need to, I'll just swap these if you like. I'd like to

42:51

see your last one. Because a lot of the other ones were

42:53

quite so grumpy. And then it's

42:55

nice that this one's sort of happy. Well,

42:58

we'll see. Yeah, I haven't seen this one. I

43:00

didn't get to see it on tour. So, yeah, I'll just swap these with

43:02

you. Oh, that's nice, that's good. And,

43:05

well, I meant to move to the countryside. I just found

43:07

out today, I'm very angry. I just

43:09

found out today the people who were buying the house have just

43:12

pulled out of us buying the house, which is very, very annoying.

43:14

I'm amazed I'm holding it together. Did they Google you? No,

43:17

they weren't. Actually, she did when I was looking

43:19

around the house, she did. She said,

43:21

I think I know you from some of the other comedian that

43:23

as I was looking around the second time, she Googled me and

43:25

said, oh, yeah, I've got you on

43:27

the internet. You

43:29

and Stuart Lee's little friend.

43:31

But then- Is

43:34

that why they've not, it's not why they've got

43:36

the key? Well, I don't know what, they've got

43:38

a reason why and I'm not sure it's, but

43:40

it's annoying because we're progressing to the point that

43:43

I was canceling things in

43:45

our house and

43:47

it was nearly happening. And then you're ready, you've

43:49

imagined yourself in the house and then it's gone.

43:51

Yeah, but then you'll get, because that happened to me. It's

43:54

not a brilliant story, but it happened to me and

43:56

then I had, so I got to the point where I paid for

43:59

the survey and all of that. and then I

44:01

walked away because they were starting to

44:03

try and look me dry so

44:05

I walked away and then I was good at it but then like

44:08

a month later I started looking again and I found the place I've

44:10

got now which is much nicer so you will find some way nicer

44:12

What if that's half-life somewhere that isn't as nice? Don't

44:15

buy that one! OK You

44:20

don't have to buy the first house with me! Just

44:23

keep loving and you'll find another one that you

44:25

both like but yeah I mean... That is lovely Well hopefully

44:27

it will sort of be interesting because we're going to be

44:29

in a little village and

44:31

you don't know where... we don't know where that... I've kind of

44:34

got my head around doing that and I was quite looking forward

44:36

to having a garden You can do

44:38

that again, that's not the only house that's got

44:40

a garden Yeah my wife's very picky though She's

44:43

not that white She's not

44:45

that white She's

44:49

on houses because she's not elsewhere That's

44:53

me She's lovely, she's got good taste in... You'll

44:58

find... no you will and it'll be better No

45:00

wait no I'm never going to We've been

45:02

doing it back to you, I'm so sped up with Shepherds Well where

45:04

you are now is not a nice place but you

45:06

will... I don't mean geographically I

45:09

mean... you'll find somewhere better What do you find

45:11

somewhere better? Is this up to anybody

45:13

else? No If

45:16

I let you know when it's going on so long I might not

45:18

be too old to enjoy it The other day... Oh

45:21

my god you're so fucking dramatic In

45:24

listening to... How old are you? 49 years,

45:26

oh that's pretty old You've

45:29

got good two or three years left in this room

45:31

That's interesting You and your

45:33

mother's daughter Here's an interesting... I've had all sorts

45:35

of things happen in my house which you know

45:37

won't help me sell it Like

45:39

someone did a shit in the... by

45:42

the gig game And

45:44

they still do? I had to clear up

45:46

a human shit How do you

45:48

know it was human? You can tell my brain It

45:52

was definitely a human... It was

45:54

no... it was definitely a human It was the

45:56

way it fell on the wall Oh my god

46:00

They pooed on the wall, but then

46:02

the other thing, there's nothing left in

46:05

there, just, we don't need to know

46:07

about this massive poo. This is another

46:09

moral dilemma from Shepherd's Bush. Our

46:12

house goes, there's a basement, so

46:14

an outside the basement is like a little sort

46:17

of shed thing, like, so you go down, if you're

46:19

on the outside, you go down, and there's a little

46:21

thing where the drains are, basically, right, so there's a

46:23

little door, you open up the drains, there's a

46:25

tiny little room, and a homeless person slept

46:28

in there the other day. My

46:30

wife came down early in the morning, and

46:32

then this saw this woman looking in the window, and

46:34

then this woman ran away. That's

46:37

weird, isn't it? But then, do I lock that door,

46:39

and not let the homeless woman sleep in my house?

46:42

Or do I

46:44

allow her to sleep in the fucking drain?

46:49

What do I think? Do I make up and

46:51

live in my house? Because

46:53

it is awful. When you buy your new

46:55

house, could you leave her your old house?

46:57

Yeah, I could give her the whole house.

47:00

I could do up the drain. I

47:02

could do up the drain. Do I look like that? But

47:05

it hurt her to the shit. Well,

47:07

I don't think it was, because that was a while ago. But

47:10

then that's the other thing, isn't it? What she's doing is

47:12

fine, and then just think, well, then to where she's

47:14

gonna, I mean, she's putting in the drain properly. As

47:17

long as she lifts the cover up, but

47:19

then what, she falls down the drain? What did she do

47:22

to the poo? How big is the drain? That's a proper

47:24

drain. She could hold it. Oh, it's not just like a

47:26

drain? No, it's like the manhole cover there, so you can

47:28

lift up the manhole cover. Pooh, a manhole? What, over at

47:30

the edge? And she falls in. I don't go down there,

47:32

ever. I'd come down, try

47:34

to sell the house, stop looking around, there's

47:36

a Skellington over at home with a poo. How

47:39

many years is it gonna be before you go? How

47:41

many years is it gonna be before you go? It

47:43

could be a long time. I thought if she squatted

47:45

on the edge, if the man, like, if this

47:47

man got in, that's the best position you're supposed to

47:49

be in, to do a poo, isn't it? Like

47:52

in a sort of squatting position. So she'd

47:54

have cracking bowels. And

47:57

that's a nice thing, if you give someone... Would you let

47:59

the homeless person... carry on living in that room

48:01

would you lock it so they couldn't get in again or

48:03

would you let them live in your house with you and

48:05

your wife and your child I wouldn't

48:08

do the last one. If they were a stranger,

48:10

not because they're homeless, because they're a stranger I

48:13

would probably leave it unlocked.

48:15

Would you? Yeah. Because what harm

48:17

was she doing? Mine

48:20

would go, I might go feral. It's

48:22

like attacking people. It's like I have

48:24

to walk over... I'm not sure what you think

48:26

about the homeless people, they're not whales. I'd have

48:29

to walk along the path every day she'd be

48:31

on there and go, RAAAAAAAN! Maybe

48:34

she... Answer me this question or

48:36

you can't come in. But

48:38

this is the kind of question you ask me.

48:40

Could you befriend her? She

48:46

hasn't come back again so it's alright. She's

48:48

got my wife scared away. Maybe she Googled

48:50

you. She might have

48:53

given me a review

48:55

on some air B&B

48:57

of the... Very

49:00

poor drain. I

49:02

mean that's awful, but that's so awful that someone...

49:04

But my bowels are great! That's

49:07

so awful to think about. She pulled

49:09

in some like leaves and branches

49:11

and stuff. I don't know what the

49:14

answer is. We're

49:21

brilliant. Sorry I didn't make all

49:23

of this people funny for you. No it didn't. It wasn't

49:25

meant to be funny. It was meant to be very much

49:27

a moral dilemma. So

49:31

I've looked you up on YouGov. Before I

49:33

looked you up on Databrick Concompassions, but nothing

49:36

has changed then. Oh I've not got any

49:38

new ones. I don't think so, ma'am. Oh

49:41

I feel sad. But I

49:43

don't think they're taking new... Not

49:45

that I've put loads in and they've been rejected, but

49:47

I don't think they're all about you.

49:50

There's a YouGov thing which gives you your typical

49:52

fan of you can put in your

49:54

name, then it'll... it's done a survey of your fans,

49:56

and actually what it is is it'll tell you the

49:59

thing that makes you... It's been different than everyone else.

50:02

But your... It's just nice.

50:04

My fans watch less than one hour of television

50:06

a week. Really? Yeah. Your

50:09

fans watch 31 to 35 hours of television.

50:13

My fans are the same as me. Your...

50:16

their favourite food... Usually

50:18

this is something quite weird. Their favourite is chocolate

50:20

cake. I could

50:22

tell you all about it. You don't need

50:24

to look this up. And their job, they

50:26

all work in translation and interpreting. All

50:29

of them! Yeah. It's

50:32

like that's quite niche. Yeah. Why

50:35

do you only watch less than one hour of television? I

50:37

can't believe that's true. Because you've done all of

50:39

the other things that you've made from one of

50:42

the podcasts and DVD. There's no... Weirdly,

50:44

your fans are the only ones that I've

50:46

seen in which you are their favourite personality.

50:49

That's kind of quite odd. Usually the favourite

50:51

person I like is that the favourite TV

50:53

show is your TV show. And their favourite

50:56

Twitter feed is your Twitter feed. Usually

50:58

it's not the person that you told me. So they

51:01

normally have like another person that they love but then your

51:03

their favourite comic. Or I don't know what you mean. Well

51:05

it's just... It's probably yours. What are they's

51:07

favourite? I can probably find out quickly. Hold

51:09

on. Richard Herring. Okay, here's me. This

51:11

is what it's like. So...

51:14

That's a big parent. Oh, it's not... There it

51:16

is. That's my... That's my fan. They

51:18

live in London. They're very left wing. They

51:20

work in construction. See

51:24

you? They've got a thousand

51:26

pounds or more to spend, haven't you, every week. You lot, well done.

51:29

Good work. Find my fucking DVD.

51:34

They're 40 to 54. Yeah, so then

51:36

like... So online they would... They

51:38

would go to... There's a stick at

51:40

the time. They go, Peepshow, Radiohead and

51:42

Jiml Paint it. They're

51:46

better than Jiml Paint it though. I think it

51:48

might be worse. I think that might be

51:50

a Jimmy Savile... Do you not know what Jiml

51:53

Paint is? Is it Jimmy Savile and Justin Paint

51:55

and Justece, of course, and then masturbating over dead

51:57

bodies? That's

52:00

what I'm imagining it is. I

52:04

don't know what it is. Do

52:06

you know what Gemma painted it is? Yes, really good isn't

52:08

it? It's really good. I

52:10

don't know much about the person that does it, but

52:12

I imagine it's called Gem. But

52:15

you can send in anything that you want, you

52:17

can see you want to see you with your

52:19

massive ballast sort of shitting up

52:21

a wall, and you'll see an illustration of that.

52:23

I mean I wouldn't ask for that. That's

52:27

your fan, look at your fan, how cool is

52:29

she? That is not my fan. Headphones, one of

52:31

those tall hats. Just very

52:33

slightly to the left of centre, working translation, you've

52:35

got less than £125 a week. That's

52:39

a doll on those fucking headphones, that's why. And

52:42

so then you go to entertainment, and an

52:44

entertainment ceremony, and a television programme. I think

52:46

that might mean that people who like you

52:48

are the only people who like you. I've

52:55

got a workout session in South Eric up. That's

52:58

alright though. It means that they're

53:01

loyal. Look, Sarah Milliken, top-based Sarah

53:03

Milliken, Sarah Milliken, Sarah Milliken, Sarah Milliken, Sarah

53:05

Milliken, Sarah Milliken, Sarah Milliken, Sarah Milliken. Eurovision

53:07

TV, Buzzfeed.

53:11

This is great. This

53:14

is their personality, let's see what they say for your

53:16

fans. I'm so

53:18

wisty, isn't it. I'm

53:21

happy to spend money to support my favourite music

53:23

artist, but not comedian. I've

53:26

found toilet humour quite funny. I

53:29

wouldn't mind having a wind turbine in my area.

53:36

That was nothing. We

53:38

haven't even seen that. I wouldn't mind it,

53:40

just letting you know. I'd

53:43

like to spend my free time relaxing. Wow,

53:47

you fucking maverick. I've got

53:49

so much to watch. Doing

53:53

extra work. I like to spend my free

53:55

time going back to work translating some other stuff.

53:58

Your fans like chocolate. Garlic

54:00

bread, tomato soup, cheese on toast,

54:03

mashed potatoes. That is

54:05

the most... Look,

54:08

I'll show you

54:10

what my fans are. Oh, does it say what the

54:12

average weight is? I'm

54:15

all about my weight. This is Richard

54:17

Herron fans, this is what they like.

54:19

Hold on. How many layers

54:21

have you on the edge you've put in before? You've got

54:23

Richard, E, R, R before it brings that

54:25

up. You've got my back to Sarah, I'm

54:27

very annoyed about it. There is lifestyle,

54:30

my fans... Look at that,

54:32

look how fancy you can see. On

54:35

the picture, three bean chilies is their

54:37

favourite food. Salt

54:40

and pepper chicken, curried soy sauces.

54:42

Look at this, Malay,

54:44

anchovy and peanut fat bowl. This

54:47

is fucking mushroom soup. Malay,

54:51

Malay. I

54:54

don't know what it is. It's

54:57

peanut. It looks like

54:59

it's on two lines, it looks

55:01

like it's... I said, Pian, Pian would

55:04

stand more. It's

55:08

the way they supposed to answer it there. I've

55:11

read what they put. Pian. Let's

55:13

see where... Pian, Pian, I'm only

55:15

a fucking mould up food stand here.

55:17

My fans are eating gyros. Or gyros.

55:21

We were telling them they were personality, but

55:23

not you. Definitely not me. I

55:25

think you're fine. I

55:28

think you could probably have a little... Oh,

55:32

no, that's their personality. Their favorite TV

55:34

show is... Stuart

55:36

Lee's Pummy and Pian. They're very

55:38

reserved for people. Oh, look

55:41

at that fan feel now.

55:46

It's not very important. It's

55:48

not really. Oh,

55:50

I'm sorry. Maybe

55:53

there's a problem for a program with you in it.

55:56

And he thinks that his program is the next best thing

55:58

because he knows you. They've imagined

56:00

me being in there. Yes, sort of standing by

56:02

my face with a smart arc. What

56:04

are you doing, Stu? What is the

56:06

funny one, Stu? Erm...

56:11

I don't know. You worked as

56:13

a civil servant. I did. I'm

56:16

interested in your life before comedy. What

56:18

did you have to do when you were a civil servant? Oh, various

56:20

things. I worked in a job centre for a while

56:22

in the Sint Lane. Signing

56:24

people on and stuff. Erm...

56:28

I did job sessions for people on

56:30

a course and at the end, but

56:32

still jobs centre. Erm... I

56:36

did another thing where people made a claim to benefit over the phone. That

56:38

was one of my favourite ones. People didn't always know

56:40

which benefits they were in terms of shoes. So they

56:42

would sometimes make a move. So

56:45

the options were basically like job stickers

56:47

allowance, or income support,

56:49

income equity benefits, that sort of thing. And

56:52

somebody once asked for in

56:54

captivity benefits. Which

56:56

is probably only for pandas. And

57:00

also income sparsity benefits. There

57:04

was a lady once who rang up to claim...

57:08

She wanted to see if she was entitled to bereavement benefits.

57:11

So... Yes, that's

57:13

right. Her husband had died. Lady laughing. So

57:16

she rang up and I sort of thought, well, she's possibly entitled to it.

57:19

We started to look at the form and things. And

57:21

obviously I have to be very careful because this is

57:23

a lady who's recently breathed. So I was treading very

57:26

carefully. And it turned out what had happened was

57:28

she split up with her husband ten

57:30

years ago, but they'd never officially divorced.

57:33

And she read in the newspaper that he died. And

57:37

she... I don't know, because we didn't see the outcome,

57:39

we were just at the beginning. But if he paid

57:41

enough staff, she would have been entitled to that because

57:43

it's legal still. And I thought, well done, dear one,

57:45

the fucking hoodspurve you and I. She was quite proud of her,

57:47

weirdly. But yes, and then

57:50

they did a job that I never really learnt.

57:53

It was something to do with insurance. We

57:55

were the only department that actually made money

57:57

for the government. Right. It

58:00

was basically, you know, it's really boring. Sorry, everybody. This

58:02

is why I don't do this anymore. You

58:05

know when somebody had an accident,

58:07

and then they claim that back on their insurance?

58:10

Yeah. They make a

58:12

claim on their insurance, sorry. If they received

58:14

benefits during that time, and that insurance company

58:16

pays out, then we get those benefits back.

58:18

OK, right, yeah. So you're basically having conversations with lawyers

58:21

a lot. But I never really learned it. I did

58:23

for six months, and I never really learned it, because

58:25

I was doing stand-up at the time. So I'd constantly

58:27

be on FlexiTime, and I'd be leaving and getting a

58:29

change to Lincoln, talking about cocks on stage, and then

58:32

going back in, and then doing it. And I never

58:34

really learned it. But they just, they kept me around.

58:36

They said I was a breath of fresh air. That's

58:38

what they put in my labor card, which was nice.

58:40

Because I didn't learn it, and everyone else was really

58:43

good, hardworking, my breath of staff. I was a breath of

58:45

fresh air, because I was just doing stand-up and loving

58:47

stand-up. So that was the last thing that I did.

58:50

But yeah, various different sort of Flexi jobs.

58:52

Where am I? My best friend. That's nice. I'm my

58:54

best friend in the civil service. So

58:56

yeah, it's great. You know, they were good

58:58

jobs. I liked them, but I felt sort

59:01

of untapped. Right. Because I'd wanted to write. That

59:03

was the main thing I wanted to do. Were you writing plays?

59:05

Yeah, I was writing plays, and I had a column in the free

59:07

paper and stuff like that. So I knew I wanted to write, but

59:10

I didn't really know where it was going

59:12

to end up. And you ran a comedy

59:14

course in Spain? Yeah, I did a few of

59:16

those. I see now even people can

59:18

go on these holidays, where they learn how to, like, are

59:20

they all sing, or are they all paint? And

59:22

it was a few of those. I did three of those. The

59:25

first one had Stephanie Merritt. I

59:28

read an article she wrote for me. Yeah, yeah.

59:30

And I was terrified, because it was the first time I was doing

59:32

it. I was teaching comedy, and I'd only really learned how to do

59:34

it. I mean, I'm still learning now,

59:36

but I was very new when I was doing these courses. I

59:38

met a Columbia player there, a

59:41

critic, who came on the course. And luckily,

59:43

she was really nice. And she had

59:45

a nice time when we got on well, because I basically thought, I'm going

59:47

to get a terrible review before I've even done

59:49

a fucking show. But she

59:51

was really nice. So yeah, it was kind of like

59:54

a little holiday. And the people that were running the

59:56

course were adorable. Really nice. So it was fair. It's

59:58

just adapting. I did. It was fun. And

1:00:00

you were obviously in stand-up at the same time, but

1:00:02

before you'd broken that. Yeah, totally, before I

1:00:04

did Edinburgh, I didn't. Interesting.

1:00:07

Very interesting. And at the

1:00:09

moment you are working on Standard Issue, which

1:00:11

is an internet magazine. Yeah,

1:00:13

it's a no bullshit women's magazine on

1:00:16

the internet. Yeah, because

1:00:18

I just kind of got a bit bored of

1:00:20

the women's magazines that were out there. It was a no

1:00:22

bullshit or a no bullshit? Oh,

1:00:26

a no bullshit. A no bullshit magazine?

1:00:31

Imagine one up a wall, if you will.

1:00:35

A no bullshit magazine. No bullshit. No.

1:00:39

I just kind of got bored of the women's magazines,

1:00:41

and I'm not really interested in which lipstick I should

1:00:44

wear, and whether I should

1:00:46

wear, whether I'm an apple shape, or I don't give a

1:00:48

shit at all about those things. And it

1:00:50

just felt like they were often quite, you know,

1:00:52

they just assumed that women are only interested in really basic,

1:00:54

simple things. And I thought that it's

1:00:56

like a cap to me. So I set up

1:00:58

an online women's magazine, it's been called 3S, and

1:01:01

I'm very proud of it. I think it's excellent.

1:01:03

You've got really good team and really good writers.

1:01:06

It's just nice, it's what I read. I kind

1:01:08

of selfishly set up a thing, so when I'm

1:01:10

on a train I don't have to read rubbish,

1:01:12

I can read my own website. It's

1:01:15

a bit much. It's a big

1:01:17

thing to do just because you're a bit bored on the train.

1:01:20

No, it's good. And you branched out into podcasts

1:01:22

with it? You did a podcast here last night? Yeah,

1:01:26

we did our first one here last night with me

1:01:28

and Kathy Burke and Joe Brandall on the stage at

1:01:30

the same time and just going to Pavanita and having

1:01:32

a good laugh. And then we've

1:01:34

got them in Johnny, Harry, Mark and me.

1:01:37

With just different women. And just to go down on the

1:01:40

website and the fan issue website for free? Yes.

1:01:43

Terrific. I've tried to get both Kathy Burke and Joe Brandall

1:01:45

on this and they've always said they're too busy. I

1:01:48

just asked them and they said pick a date, any date,

1:01:51

my diary, my

1:01:53

diary is way too often. Did

1:01:56

you spend the time with

1:01:58

the Yemeni? in South, South

1:02:01

Shields has got a famous Yemeni... No,

1:02:03

I didn't. No, okay. Sorry, was

1:02:05

that, was that going to be a big chunk of

1:02:08

the show? I was hoping that you'd have some stories

1:02:10

about the Yemeni population of South Shields. Did you ever

1:02:12

see a Yemeni person in South Shields? Was that before

1:02:14

my time? There might be as well, I just

1:02:16

got it up to Wikipedia. I said for a reason, then, then when I

1:02:18

was there. Some of them must still be, yeah. It's

1:02:22

to do with the shipbuilding that used to go on there,

1:02:24

but that doesn't really happen there. No, they haven't done that

1:02:27

in a long time. I mean, they did a lifeboat once,

1:02:29

but we don't even know if that's true. You

1:02:34

do crafts, you make a get well card. Oh,

1:02:37

yeah, I get together. I like having a hobby that

1:02:39

I don't have to be good at, you know, like,

1:02:41

because when you're at work, everything has

1:02:44

to be as good as it can possibly be. Then

1:02:46

it's nice in your downtime to be able to go,

1:02:48

I'm going to make an all

1:02:50

right cake. I'm

1:02:52

going to try and grow something, some seed.

1:02:55

But I like being able to be rubbish at something. My rule with

1:02:57

cooking, I'm very good at cooking, I'm all right. But

1:03:00

my rule is that if nobody gets a shit,

1:03:02

that was the success. It

1:03:04

doesn't have to look like it is in the book. So

1:03:07

with craft, a few of us get together, not very

1:03:09

often, sadly, but every now and again. And just kind

1:03:11

of, I've got a big tub of sort of, you

1:03:13

know, kind of buttons and glue

1:03:15

and glitter and shit. And

1:03:17

we get together, but none of us are any good.

1:03:20

Actually, one girl is pretty good, and we don't really

1:03:22

like her. Don't like it when

1:03:24

she joins, she's brilliant, but we don't like it

1:03:26

when she joins. You know, when you go to

1:03:28

carry out and somebody can actually sing, and it's really

1:03:30

annoying. It's like that, but with painting. She's

1:03:33

really good. And the rest of us are kind of shit.

1:03:35

And I did make a get well soon card for my

1:03:38

best friend once. And she, it was so terrible

1:03:40

that she pretended it was off her knees. It

1:03:44

was really terrible, but I was so proud of it. You

1:03:46

just have to put love Sarah age five

1:03:48

on the back and get away with anything.

1:03:51

I make T-shirts for prizes and

1:03:53

to kickstart and stuff. Yeah, I'm

1:03:55

really bad. I enjoy it so

1:03:57

much. It's having a hobby that you just don't have to

1:03:59

be. exceptional it can just be fun I'm

1:04:02

terrible yeah they're literally yeah it's really

1:04:05

good fun yeah but it's like I

1:04:08

just I use fabric paints like like

1:04:10

a monkey would I

1:04:12

ask you an emergency question to get out of

1:04:14

that one what would

1:04:21

if you could jump into anything what would you jump into

1:04:23

a pool of anything oh yeah yeah cold cold custard yeah

1:04:25

I don't like warm custard

1:04:28

okay I had

1:04:35

old custard the other day how you

1:04:37

know if you have a tin of custard

1:04:39

how long past the best

1:04:41

before day can you eat it you think what

1:04:44

it's like how long five

1:04:46

years what dried the dryer the

1:04:48

dryer yeah like the five years I'll be alright

1:04:52

then one there was only three months out of

1:04:54

date oh some people are

1:04:56

a cold at me my wife is very sick

1:04:59

with a subway day I am normally I'm very blasé

1:05:12

my husband's blasé maybe it's a man thing

1:05:14

I always say just you know Bennett if

1:05:17

it's out of date and he but the

1:05:19

custard thing it was two in the morning

1:05:21

and he was like he told me a

1:05:23

story about some tin that was found that

1:05:26

dated back to the Second World War

1:05:28

and he said and they ate that and I went

1:05:30

is that the end of the story that you don't

1:05:33

know if they died and he didn't know

1:05:35

but we ate it and I talked to myself and

1:05:37

I'm going to have a bad stomach and then I

1:05:39

had a bad stomach mostly saying it's a good five

1:05:41

years it's good to know flow I thank you are

1:05:45

you any you that your field yeah

1:05:49

yeah he

1:05:51

works in nuclear physics good

1:05:54

enough yeah he generally

1:05:57

does I know the professions of everyone in the front

1:05:59

two So nice!

1:06:03

Where, what is, oh no, did any future

1:06:05

celebrities other than you go to your school?

1:06:08

Or who was the most famous person who went to school? My

1:06:10

school, no I don't think so. Did no

1:06:12

one who went on to be like, doesn't even have

1:06:14

to be in school? No, they're people from South Shields, but everyone

1:06:16

like my school. Who was the most

1:06:18

famous person who visited your school when you were at school?

1:06:22

Kevin Smith's dad, who was a diver. Genuinely,

1:06:27

he was, we were fascinated by his

1:06:29

job. No, no famous

1:06:31

people came to the school I don't think. People, it's still

1:06:33

the students from South, so South China it was known for

1:06:35

like Catherine Cookson was from South China. Chris Ramsey's

1:06:37

from South Shields. I

1:06:39

think some of Little Mix, but I haven't paid that

1:06:41

much attention if I'm honest. But

1:06:44

yeah, I don't think anybody else from my school, am I the

1:06:46

famous person in my school? It might be. Oh

1:06:48

God. Have you been invited back

1:06:50

to do talks at school? No, I

1:06:52

did a talk at a different school in the same

1:06:54

town because my friend was a teacher there. And I

1:06:56

talked before I'd been on the telly, she had like

1:06:59

fun jobs, so I went in with a fun job.

1:07:02

And I told them all they didn't really have to go to university.

1:07:05

And the teachers all were like, what the fuck is

1:07:07

she saying? And

1:07:09

it's true they didn't, because I didn't and I don't know

1:07:11

it. I

1:07:13

don't want them all to be comics, because that's too much

1:07:15

competition. There's a lot of, oh

1:07:17

now there's too much competition. I wouldn't like

1:07:19

to start now. What year did you start in 2004? Yeah,

1:07:25

that was when I was about when I was coming back to it.

1:07:27

And it was sort of manageable, I think then, for new people to

1:07:29

come into it. But now so many new

1:07:31

people are doing it. I don't understand, I think even getting beyond...

1:07:34

I went from like the first open spot to

1:07:36

I think it was about a year. That

1:07:38

was quite rare then, to be in full

1:07:40

time. And I had

1:07:43

an age and went full time. About

1:07:45

a year, maybe a year and a half, not long. But

1:07:48

I think some people who are really good

1:07:50

just can't make that jump now. Because there's

1:07:52

more comics than there are gigs unfortunately. So

1:07:54

do not become a comedian if you are listening to this

1:07:56

and like comedy. Yeah, this is what we're trying to pass

1:07:59

off. Nobody else does it. How

1:08:02

do you sleep at night? Um,

1:08:06

I'm taking you literally. Yeah, good, you should do.

1:08:08

On my chest. To you? Yeah.

1:08:11

Is that quite comfy? I have to have a

1:08:13

cushion under my feet just to balance me off. No,

1:08:16

I sleep, yeah, quite comfy. I generally sleep

1:08:19

very still. I wake up in the same position I feel

1:08:21

a little bit. My husband

1:08:23

is a regular. You a regular? I

1:08:25

think I am a bit, my wife gets very annoyed.

1:08:27

I snore really badly. Oh, do you? Yeah.

1:08:31

What did you do about that? Does she elvo you or does

1:08:33

she tell you to wake up? She's very passive aggressive,

1:08:35

so she'll not do much and then

1:08:37

she'll basically just... Ruin your life the next

1:08:39

day. Yeah, well I've just hit me or like, she

1:08:42

went, she went, aah! Another day like that. And hit

1:08:44

you? No, just hit the bed. Hit

1:08:46

the bed. I used

1:08:48

to, my husband... Well,

1:08:50

ah, but I snore so badly

1:08:52

I wake myself up snoring. But also,

1:08:55

I'm snoring, I can, well sometimes I'm snoring and I'm

1:08:57

still awake and I can't hear it. Right.

1:09:01

So then she goes, you're snoring. And I go, I'm not,

1:09:03

I'm still awake. She goes,

1:09:05

you're snoring. I think I'm

1:09:07

awake but I'm asleep. Or... You're

1:09:10

dreaming that you're awake. Or she might be dreaming

1:09:12

that I'm snoring. You've lost me,

1:09:14

I think. Well, I'm lying there

1:09:16

thinking, ah, we should get to sleep. Stop

1:09:18

snoring. I'm awake. And

1:09:20

I'm not snoring. You're the sort of thing that

1:09:22

your dream is not being able to get to sleep.

1:09:26

I once woke myself up snoring and made my ex-husband

1:09:28

as is now good and say to the bat because

1:09:31

I was sure there was somebody in the house. Because I

1:09:33

heard a noise. But it was the old

1:09:35

lady in Mr. Drange. My husband doesn't snore.

1:09:39

I know he doesn't snore. I have become

1:09:41

a heavier sleeper and I don't know this, which

1:09:43

is quite possible. But I used to move around

1:09:45

on the bed and that walk him up to

1:09:47

a lighter level of sleep. And then I'd try

1:09:49

and desperately get him back to sleep before he

1:09:51

went back down into the snoring sleep. So she

1:09:53

could try that. But I think what she's doing

1:09:55

sounds great. I

1:09:57

like what she's doing. I think she could hit you

1:09:59

as well. I just will wake up and

1:10:01

be dead one day I'll be stabbed. Just

1:10:04

get my little face up on your nose,

1:10:06

Tossup. I've got to leave

1:10:08

some weight when I'm not... Yeah. I've

1:10:11

lost some weight. I don't mean yeah, I mean generally

1:10:13

yeah. We all need

1:10:15

to do that though, when's that going to happen? I

1:10:17

said maybe we could do it after Edinburgh and then

1:10:19

we decided no we might as well wait until we

1:10:21

get Christmas out the way. It was just like five

1:10:23

months after Edinburgh. Four months.

1:10:26

And now we might as well wait till January, eh?

1:10:28

Might as well. Because you've got to eat all the

1:10:30

matchmakers and the stuff over Christmas. So January I'll probably

1:10:33

still try to lose a bit away. Me

1:10:35

too. I don't care enough, that's

1:10:37

the problem. Sometimes I do but

1:10:39

at the moment I don't. Well I think I'd like to

1:10:41

fill this part of my jeans. They're

1:10:43

still, like when I get on a

1:10:45

plane and there's six

1:10:47

inches of the seatbelt left before

1:10:50

I then have to get an extender. Rather

1:10:53

than thinking we should lose a bit away I

1:10:55

just think six more inches. So

1:10:58

I'll do that. Have you ever flown a

1:11:00

kite? No. I

1:11:03

haven't ever. It's never, I wasn't outdoorsy you

1:11:05

see. I had an imaginary library but I've

1:11:08

never flown a kite. An

1:11:10

imaginary library. An imaginary

1:11:12

library. Yeah, so the

1:11:14

books were real and I took it as the more like...

1:11:17

That's not an imaginary library, that's a library.

1:11:19

It is. Imagine

1:11:22

they were some shelves. You

1:11:25

imagine they were catalogs instead of a

1:11:27

Dewey Decimal system. It wasn't as open to

1:11:29

the public by because it was my bedroom. And

1:11:32

the only customers that came in were Teddy

1:11:34

Bays. So it was technically

1:11:36

an imaginary library. But they were all alphabetised.

1:11:38

The first one was Janet and Alan Alberg's

1:11:40

The Hard Bunk book which was a joke

1:11:43

book. And it was excellent. Do

1:11:46

you use any of the material from that in your accent? No. I

1:11:49

think I might start though. That's

1:11:53

not the answer to the Overflown a Kite. I had

1:11:55

an imaginary library. How did that happen? Have

1:11:58

you ever flown a kite? Yeah. I

1:12:01

remember being very excited about having a cup

1:12:03

of white. I

1:12:07

remember we got a kite with green shield stamps

1:12:10

and I was very excited about it and I thought it

1:12:12

was the most exciting. It's very boring, wouldn't you try? What

1:12:14

colour was it? With orange. Oh, I like orange. Yeah.

1:12:17

And it's free, what are

1:12:19

green shield stamps? It's a free kite.

1:12:22

Yeah, how many times did you take about? I'm

1:12:26

not sure, probably not very many.

1:12:28

Yeah. Was that really worth

1:12:30

it? Was that half-thon? It

1:12:33

was because it was fun. Do you remember green shield

1:12:35

stamps? Yeah, vaguely. Do

1:12:38

you remember green shield stamps? Yes.

1:12:40

Do you remember green shield stamps? Yes. Not

1:12:43

good enough for most people. Well,

1:12:46

I'm looking for something that only one person

1:12:48

remembers. Peter Kay could do that

1:12:50

as material. His audience would go, yeah!

1:12:52

I remember stuff, Richard. You

1:12:55

have to do better than that. We're

1:13:00

not just going to be told how do you remember

1:13:02

things. It was exciting, I can remember the smell, I

1:13:04

can remember the perforation of green shield stamps. Second, do

1:13:07

you remember time-vooned? Do you remember PG

1:13:09

Tins, Carts? No, PG Toon,

1:13:11

who remembers those? Too many

1:13:13

people. Yeah, we remember things, Richard. Stop

1:13:16

telling us about it. Tell us

1:13:18

something we don't know. Am I

1:13:20

all to have a cake now? 41, so

1:13:22

give it a go. Perfect, I can't do

1:13:24

that. Can it have to run, though? Can

1:13:27

you still brisk walk? I don't even

1:13:29

get up on top of a hill. And

1:13:31

then we down. Oh,

1:13:33

OK. I don't

1:13:35

know how it works. Let's

1:13:38

get a stunt kite. What's the difference between that

1:13:40

and a kite? It can do stunts. Oh,

1:13:43

it's not like a pretendy kite. I don't know

1:13:45

why I thought it was kite.

1:13:47

It's like some of it isn't a kite. The

1:13:49

kites get into dangerous situations. It

1:13:51

goes in and just a fly-in for the more

1:13:53

famous kite. That's too much

1:13:55

insurance. Maybe

1:13:58

I'll get a kite then. I'm

1:14:00

going to buy you a coat. Are you?

1:14:03

Do I have to go out with you with it? I'm

1:14:05

going to be on the coat. You're

1:14:07

going to make me a coat

1:14:09

with your fabric pen. I'm

1:14:14

going to put that very still yours. It's a

1:14:16

good picture of Richard. It's

1:14:18

like a three dimensional sculpture. You're

1:14:21

going to be the coat. You're going to be

1:14:23

on the coat. It's going to be like

1:14:25

Jesus on the coat. How

1:14:28

windy do you think it fucking is? Well,

1:14:32

we live up north, right? Yeah,

1:14:34

but it's not that windy then. It could lift

1:14:37

a man into the air. That thing came across.

1:14:39

Just like that, isn't it? Yes, exactly like that.

1:14:41

You can't be off that big wall. Yeah.

1:14:44

Well, we've had a lovely time. We might be

1:14:46

coming to the end. I think it's five nil.

1:14:49

I think we can all agree on that. This

1:14:53

might have been a draw, this one. Yeah, we've been

1:14:55

quite nice to each other. We haven't really tried to be

1:14:57

on. You've not been as sort of

1:14:59

predatory as you often are. Either. It's

1:15:01

quite a bit of a monist. I

1:15:04

shave my legs and everything. It's

1:15:07

a difference. I

1:15:12

prefer the other side. So, it's

1:15:15

coat and pudding.

1:15:22

Do any of our VIP guests want to ask Sarah

1:15:24

a question? No. No. Road?

1:15:29

Are you scared? Oh, I'm trying

1:15:31

to be scared. Tom Sawyer wants to ask a question. Why

1:15:34

do I not exist? Why

1:15:37

am I a fictional character? Well, it's been lovely to see

1:15:39

you. Is there what's coming? You're not touring now. You've got

1:15:41

a bit of a break for me. No, I've got a

1:15:43

break, yes, and I write the next show. Never

1:15:45

based, write the next show, then take that on

1:15:47

tour. So, it's mostly I'm doing DVD promotional stuff

1:15:50

at the moment and then a bit of Time

1:15:52

Off for Christmas. Time off? You

1:15:56

worked ridiculously hard. Well, I hope

1:15:58

so. I want to. But also, I know you're not. I

1:16:00

need a bit of, yeah, I just go a bit mad if

1:16:02

I don't, I'm too much of a work, you're a workaholic. I

1:16:05

am a bit, I think even, I look

1:16:07

at you and think this is, your toes

1:16:09

are enormously massive and dumb. It was a

1:16:11

yay. Yeah. It was 185. Yeah,

1:16:15

that's big, that's a big toe. That's because I

1:16:17

think people then, people who are covering

1:16:19

that amount of audience

1:16:21

members might go to arenas. And

1:16:24

then they just have to do like 30 days or

1:16:26

something or probably less. And I don't wanna do

1:16:28

arenas because I don't think they should do both

1:16:30

for me. I don't even take the mic out

1:16:32

the stand. I

1:16:34

think it's all right for people who are very physical, but it

1:16:36

doesn't suit me. So I'd end up doing a

1:16:38

year or two, but I love my job. So it's like,

1:16:41

do you wanna do the idea and the thing you love?

1:16:43

Yes. But that is nice, because like

1:16:45

a week afterwards, I get a migraine for a whole week

1:16:47

afterwards, because just, we already just, doesn't

1:16:50

understand why you're not doing anything and why you're

1:16:52

at home and you're not in a car somewhere.

1:16:55

But then it's nice to live a bit, because you gotta live a

1:16:57

bit, so you've got some to talk about on the next one. Absolutely.

1:17:00

I'm also just, do you get back home? Well that sounds

1:17:02

bad, but the only reason I'm on time off is so I can

1:17:04

write more material. But do you get back home

1:17:06

when you do it? Because you're

1:17:08

in the middle of a country. I don't, you go place to place

1:17:11

to place. I try and get home,

1:17:13

if it's less than two and a half hour drive, I'm

1:17:15

not gonna stay overnight, because I don't sleep till three in

1:17:17

the morning, maybe two at the earliest. So

1:17:19

if I can be in my own bed for that time,

1:17:21

then I'd rather do that. So yeah, it's not, it's on

1:17:23

the road, but it's not like you're on the road. I

1:17:25

don't go place to place to please. Mine's less though,

1:17:27

I mean I'm not, yeah. I'm trying to get

1:17:29

home. So you can look at your baby. Yeah. More

1:17:32

than the one. Yeah. I probably find

1:17:34

the best. Look, she's got a face, and it's good to look

1:17:36

at this. You can snore at your wife. Yeah. She's

1:17:38

fucking thrilled that you're coming home more often. She's

1:17:41

going, can't you stay out a bit longer, ladies

1:17:43

and gentlemen? I

1:17:45

wouldn't encourage you, you're sitting away for 10 nights

1:17:48

and a half. That was great. Well,

1:17:51

we'll look forward to the next tour, which by the time

1:17:53

this comes out, it'll probably be starting just about at the

1:17:55

start. And buy your

1:17:57

new DVD, Outsider. Yeah.

1:18:00

Only if you want to, don't feel like you have

1:18:02

to. I don't think they feel obliged to

1:18:04

do anything. This is all you need. That's good.

1:18:06

By my new DVD, you happen now and you

1:18:08

have to. You have

1:18:10

to do it. If you only buy

1:18:12

one DVD. You have

1:18:15

to. Robert Schongenhätzen,

1:18:17

he's really good. Really

1:18:19

good. The

1:18:22

cloud looks like a little cloud of silicon. Oh

1:18:25

no! Go

1:18:27

that way! Robert.

1:19:06

How do you like them Sky Potato? jamesallen.com

1:19:12

is the online destination to easily

1:19:14

design a customized engagement ring and

1:19:16

save up to 50% compared to

1:19:18

traditional stores. You pick a diamond,

1:19:20

whether it's lab created or earth

1:19:22

created, James Allen has over 200,000

1:19:26

conflict-free stones. Then you pick your ring setting

1:19:28

and metal. And if you need some help,

1:19:30

they have real-time diamond consultations available where an

1:19:33

expert can walk you through it all. Get

1:19:35

25% off your order at

1:19:37

jamesallen.com code ACAST. That's

1:19:39

jamesallen.com code ACAST. Do

1:19:46

you enjoy movies, adult beverages or enjoy conversations that

1:19:48

could go off the rails at any second? If

1:19:51

you said yes to any of these questions, then you

1:19:53

should check out the Films and Fermentation podcast. We're three

1:19:55

friends who love movies and a recreational drink or two.

1:19:58

Join me, Leo, and my friends Kevin and I. like every

1:20:00

week as we discuss interesting movie topics

1:20:02

like best ensemble film, the sheer in

1:20:04

film history, and the occasional movie review.

1:20:07

We'll be waiting for you to join us weekly

1:20:09

at the crossroads between Pickled and Fermented at the

1:20:11

Films and Fermentation podcast. What's

1:20:15

up everybody this is Ra'Clav

1:20:17

Jean here with TIAA. More

1:20:20

than half of black Americans don't

1:20:22

have enough savings to retire so

1:20:24

my new single Paper Right is

1:20:26

on a mission to start closing

1:20:28

the gap. With TIAA we turn

1:20:31

our streams into donations to a

1:20:33

non-profit called First Generation Investors that

1:20:35

teaches students how to invest. Stream

1:20:38

now and help us stack for great

1:20:40

cost. you