0:00

Hi there, welcome to my podcast feed powered

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by Acast Plus. Thanks to

0:04

everyone who's come to see Rahalstupa in 2023. The

0:06

tour has been really good fun and so have

0:08

the London shows. More in 2024,

0:10

we're in London. Those

0:13

ones all selling pretty well and there's a pretty

0:15

good guest coming on the 12th of February that

0:17

I can't reveal yet that it might

0:19

be worth buying tickets early for at the

0:21

Leicester Square Theatre. I'm also in Brighton, which

0:24

is selling well, Colchester with Mary Beard

0:26

and another pretty good guest I think I've

0:28

got sorted out. Bedford, not

0:30

selling well at all, but there is a big

0:32

name guest hopefully coming to that one. Bristol I

0:34

think is sold out. Leicester selling well, Canterbury selling

0:37

well, Dublin selling well, but loads of tickets left.

0:39

It's a huge place. Tommy Tiernan on that one.

0:41

Cardiff, moved venues to the Sherman, which is a

0:43

much smaller venue. There aren't many tickets left. Sheffield

0:47

doing all right. Coventry, Warwick Arts

0:49

Centre doing okay. Glasgow nearly sold

0:51

out and Hull, over

0:53

a thousand tickets left for that one. So come along

0:55

to those if you can. And perfect Christmas gifts, as

0:59

are any of my downloads or books.

1:01

gofastonstripe.com is a good place to start

1:03

for those. And do join

1:05

my newsletter this week, richardherring.com/newsletter. If you

1:08

haven't already, I'm going to be giving

1:10

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December, including some

1:15

very rare right bollock stress balls, handmade by

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Richard Eisen, that only a couple of dozen

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of those have been made at all. So

1:21

you want to get your hands on that

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and squeeze my bollock. But

1:27

also there's news coming up this week of

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a big announcement and you will get

1:31

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1:33

thing could be. I can't imagine what

1:35

it is. And also early of

1:37

all the dates before everyone else gets them, whatever

1:39

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1:42

kind of tour or something. I don't know what

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crack on. Have a lovely Christmas period.

1:56

I'll talk to you again before then. and

2:00

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2:52

Terms apply. Ladies

2:59

and gentlemen, welcome to the Bath Comedia.

3:01

Please welcome our new, new acting

3:03

and on-stage captain and to his parents,

3:06

it's Richard Herring. Woo! Thank

3:13

you very much. Wow,

3:15

you're so much better than last

3:17

week's. Last week's audience weren't this

3:20

good. What happened?

3:24

Welcome to Richard Herring's lovely spa

3:26

town podcast. Lovely, lovely

3:28

spa town. Though I

3:30

was hanging around at the

3:32

Herschel Museum of Astronomy where

3:34

a woman asked,

3:37

do you know that Uranus was

3:39

discovered in Bath? It

3:41

led to a misunderstanding. We're

3:44

now married. Apparently though, William

3:46

Herschel's sister Caroline called

3:49

it Ruholestopa. But

3:51

William Herschel took all the credit. So it's, quite

3:55

classy joke. It's quite classy for

3:57

a Uranus. Something I thought was going to go Uranus.

4:02

I did do a bit of that, it has to be said. So, I've

4:06

been staying in Cheddar overnight after

4:10

three and four weeks ago gigs in Exeter.

4:13

I've stayed there for three or four weeks, I guess.

4:15

And I'm sure this is true

4:17

for everyone. This is like a terrible piece of

4:19

observational comedy. But when you go back to your

4:22

parents from their late 80s now, all

4:25

you have to do is fix all of their

4:27

technical stuff. That's literally all I've been doing. So,

4:30

their TV, they couldn't see their recordings. It

4:33

was unfamiliar with BT, I thought, I'm never going

4:35

to mend this. But I just said, I'll turn

4:37

the whole thing on and off again, and it

4:39

worked. So, that was good. But they were already loving

4:41

me. My dad had locked himself

4:44

out of his Tesco bank app. Fucking

4:46

hell, this was hard. He

4:50

had a letter saying he

4:52

had a new security code. And he was

4:54

five figures on the app and six figures

4:56

on the security code. So, I

4:58

had to go to the website, put that in, do all

5:01

this stuff, redo the... He didn't know

5:03

his username. So, I

5:05

had to find a username by adding loads of

5:07

details. Then he didn't know his account number or

5:09

sort codes. So, I had

5:11

to find that on the letter. Then it

5:13

said, we've sent a text to the mobile.

5:16

And I said, where's your mobile, Dad? He said, I don't know. I'm

5:20

not sure that I have a mobile. I

5:24

thought, we're not going to get through this, are

5:26

we? So, I said, you've got ten minutes to

5:28

find his mobile. The phone rang, and then I

5:30

thought, oh, maybe they're texting via the phone line.

5:32

Like the land line. That shows how much I

5:34

know about technology. But

5:36

it was my niece, my dad's granddaughter,

5:38

who had just received a top from

5:41

Tesco with a code on

5:43

it. Fucking

5:45

hell. I

5:48

wish I'd stayed at Premier Inn. I mean, when he

5:50

was free, it was free, but... His

5:55

iPad wasn't charging him. I had to give him a new

5:57

lead. 15 quid down the fucking toilet. Look,

6:01

we've got a fantastic guest this

6:03

week. He is, of course, you're

6:05

here because he's best known as

6:08

Moroccan Bob in Hollyoaks Later. That's

6:11

why we've come out to see him. Will

6:14

you please welcome the incredible Jared Christmas, ladies

6:16

and gentlemen. Here he is. Barthone,

6:19

he's from Barth. More or

6:22

less, mate? That's all right. That's all right.

6:25

Hello, everybody. Good to see you. Good to

6:27

be seen by you. Oh,

6:30

good. This is going to be fun. Do you

6:32

remember being on Hollyoaks Later? Absolutely do. Yeah. How

6:35

was that? Because I got on a bit of

6:37

shit. Yeah.

6:39

So, Moroccan Bob.

6:41

I auditioned for the part. Got it. Thank

6:45

you. And I

6:48

did really well. Yeah,

6:51

I did really well because

6:53

it was only meant to be one episode.

6:55

Yeah. But after my recording, they

6:57

went, we fucking want this guy back. Even

7:00

though my character died. Yeah. But it's

7:02

Hollyoaks, isn't it? So it

7:05

doesn't matter. They're like, fucking doesn't matter about that

7:07

script. We wrote that in five minutes. So

7:10

I quickly got written into the

7:13

next episode. And we

7:15

filmed on a Tuesday in Liverpool. And

7:18

then on the Wednesday, I went to Edinburgh, did a

7:22

run of shows. And I was

7:24

hanging out with a couple of comments. And

7:26

we all decided to go get our haircut.

7:29

And I was due

7:31

to be filming in Liverpool on Hollyoaks

7:34

the following Tuesday. And

7:36

so on the Saturday afternoon, go into

7:38

a barbers with a couple of comics.

7:40

We're having a laugh.

7:42

It started as lunch. And then this is how

7:44

crazy it gets. We're like, fuck it, let's

7:47

go get a haircut. And I sat down on the

7:49

chair and I was like, I'm going to go extreme.

7:52

I was like, you know, because I had quite a

7:55

decent amount of not, not

7:57

the lion's mane that you have. I

8:00

mean fucking Simba. Incredible

8:03

mate. You can be my king. And

8:08

I have just watched that film with my kids. So

8:10

it's really in my head at the moment. It's

8:14

fucking beautiful. I'm going to be the other way around. It's

8:17

the other way around. Can we get someone to lift you? And

8:20

visually on a podcast that would be amazing. Colin

8:22

from last week would be the ideal person to

8:24

do that lift. Let's call

8:26

him from last week. I love it. So

8:31

I sit down on the chair and the guy

8:33

just attacks me with

8:35

the clippers. And

8:37

then I just went, stop! Fuck!

8:42

Oh no, stop! And I

8:44

just had this massive track

8:46

of hair missing. And that's when

8:48

I remembered I'm on Hollyoaks

8:50

again. And I need to look exactly the same as

8:53

I did. And now I'm

8:55

just missing a whole heap of hair. And

8:58

I sat there going, what do I do? Do I leave it

9:00

at that? Maybe they can cover

9:02

that up. Let's film you from the other side. Rock

9:06

and Bob always look into the room. Exactly. But

9:09

then I had shows on Saturday night,

9:11

Sunday night. And I

9:13

was like, I can't go on. And I was

9:16

just like, fuck. All right, do it. And

9:19

then I showed up to filming on the Tuesday. But

9:21

I told my agent. I was like, you

9:24

are what we describe in

9:26

the business as an idiot. And

9:29

I was coming up with all these

9:31

elaborate reasons and stuff like that. And

9:35

the reason we gave them was that I

9:37

was on stage at Late

9:39

Night. And we decided

9:41

to try and raise some money. And

9:43

I was a bit drunk. And someone

9:46

said, oh, no, Poodle, you comedians are too

9:48

scared to get your head shaved for charity.

9:51

And I was like, I'll do it. So

9:53

I created this massive narrative, which is what

9:55

we told them. And they weren't

9:57

happy with it. And I've never gone from...

10:00

like hero to zero so

10:03

brutally. So that first day that I was

10:05

there, I think just

10:07

because I knew my lines, that

10:12

you know they were really happy with me and

10:14

and then

10:16

when I showed up that next

10:18

day it was like persona non-fucking

10:20

grata. It was

10:22

horrible. It was horrible. I've never

10:24

felt so unwelcome. Yeah. I mean

10:26

you know like it didn't screw up

10:29

the storyline at all. I mean you were dead in

10:31

the first day. I've come out of life, I've lost

10:33

a bit of hair. I mean that's how I'd have

10:35

got around it. A bit in hospital. I was like

10:38

just how am I just wrap a bandage around my

10:40

head? But you had a heart attack, nothing to do

10:42

with you. I knocked my head on the way down.

10:44

No one's gonna care and so it was a big

10:46

thing in my life that time and so I was

10:49

just waiting for the episodes to come out. I was

10:51

like people gonna really grill me on. No one gave

10:53

a shit. Of course they didn't. Even the people watching

10:55

it forgot that I was on the episode before. I

10:59

left the fact that you did it a week later

11:02

and they'd only decided to put you in so they

11:04

must have written the whole next week script that week.

11:06

Yeah yeah. Absolutely. Oh my god. It's

11:08

um yeah it was I'd love to

11:10

say it was good times. Yeah. The first day was.

11:13

Yeah. First day was real good times. I love it

11:15

when the best known of known for a

11:17

story like that. That's why it's worth persisting with. That's

11:19

why it's still happening.

11:22

Do you think it's still going? It is still

11:24

going yeah. I like Hollyoats later. Hollyoats

11:28

later. Yeah it's a bit it's a bit sexier

11:30

isn't it? They should do that with all the

11:32

shows. They were doing it was my

11:34

storyline was they were doing a drug deal with me. Oh

11:37

yeah. But then you died but

11:39

then came back to life. Yeah.

11:41

Don't take drugs kids. I

11:44

improvised a line in it. Did you? Yeah. Um

11:46

because I had like a Hawaiian shirt on and

11:48

I was sweaty and and

11:51

I you know I was trying to intimidate

11:53

them and I had in

11:56

the script it was something like I Open

12:00

the bag and show me the money. I'm

12:02

watching you And that was

12:04

basically the line right but I said I'm

12:06

watching you but and then I turned to a good-looking

12:08

one I'm going look at you. You've made my nipples

12:11

go hard And

12:13

I just started rubbing my nipple and I went

12:16

I'm watching you but my nipples are watching you and

12:18

they fucking loved it Loved

12:22

it Just

12:25

rub it my nipples on Hollywood like Hollywood

12:27

Hollyoaks like yeah, you wouldn't get around you

12:29

wouldn't get down Hollyoaks but Hollyoaks later Yeah,

12:32

it's sexy man. It's sexy.

12:34

So Jared Christmas. That's my

12:36

name rich But you're

12:38

born in Christchurch Have

12:41

you been on Wikipedia? Yeah. Yeah, it's all wrong. Okay,

12:43

so Wrong.

12:45

All right. Where were you born? I was born

12:47

in a place right at the north

12:49

of the North Island in New Zealand called Kaita Okay.

12:52

Yeah, I think they didn't put it on Wikipedia because

12:54

it's really hard to spell Tiny

12:57

town, there's a small military base there. My dad was

13:00

in the New Zealand army Okay, so I was born

13:02

there and then we moved all

13:04

over the place. Yeah, so we came

13:06

to the UK in 2000

13:09

yeah. Yeah, what brought you here was it and

13:11

I mean, yeah end up. Yeah, I stopped doing

13:13

stand-up in Christchurch, New Zealand

13:15

in 1998 and

13:19

I actually met a I was

13:21

working part-time at a radio station called

13:23

more FM and

13:28

This is the 90s for you right I was driving the the

13:32

breakfast hosts around And

13:35

I only had a learner's license, but they they

13:37

never asked me what my what license

13:39

I had, right? And they said can you

13:41

drive? Can you drive the track and I was like Just

13:46

driving around these major celebrities New

13:48

Zealand celebrity They're

13:51

still valid guys and I

13:54

was just on my learner's license and You

13:57

know They were doing a live

13:59

broadcast from the truck and I

14:03

got outed on radio by one of them

14:05

in that I'm driving along and one

14:07

of the guys says to the other one look Phil

14:09

uh guys don't say this enough

14:11

to each other but I love you and Phil's

14:13

this gruff old man and he's like oh god

14:15

and then the younger guy says to me Jared

14:17

do you love Phil I was like Phil I

14:20

love you and Phil went yeah that's cuz you're

14:22

gay and and

14:24

I'm just driving and

14:26

I went oh what a way for my

14:28

mum to find out and but all that

14:30

was perfectly acceptable on radio back then and

14:33

then I had it you know it was

14:35

a big show so I had mates

14:37

for weeks going are you gay it

14:40

was blatantly a joke and I'm like yeah but

14:42

are you? Wow

14:45

yeah did they find out about you not being

14:47

able to legally drive? No they never found out

14:49

if they're listening now yeah 22 years ago

14:56

and you live near you live locally

14:58

right you live in Bath what attracted

15:00

you everywhere you could live in

15:02

the UK have you seen Bath? Bath's lovely we

15:04

don't live in Bath I don't live

15:07

in Bath because we couldn't afford Bath.

15:09

So Royal Crescent we started broadening

15:12

our search I came

15:14

to you know we sold out we were in in

15:17

Serbiton and thought we'd made a

15:21

lot of money on selling our house there

15:24

and we're like let's go to Bath we're

15:26

going to Bath with Serbiton money and

15:29

then we got to Bath and we're like holy shit so

15:31

we're near Froome yeah

15:34

just kept moving out until we were like yeah

15:37

that's that's our price range yeah yeah is it

15:39

been a good is it been a good move

15:41

is it just like living in the countryside I

15:43

love it yeah in

15:46

all honesty it took a lot

15:49

for me to do it because I

15:51

thought every my whole dream was London yeah you

15:53

know I moved from New Zealand you know

15:55

I was like I want to be in London that's

15:57

where stand-up is London London London London London And

16:00

I thought if I move out of London, my career's over. And

16:02

so I did move out here thinking, well,

16:05

this guy's put out to pass you. But

16:08

it turns out you can do a

16:10

stand-up career pretty much fucking anywhere. Yeah,

16:13

that's true. I mean, you can

16:15

tour everywhere. And Bath's not bad. This

16:17

area's not a perfect place to tour

16:19

from. But it's not bad. It's

16:21

not, you know, you can get to most places and get

16:24

home from most places. Yeah. Yeah.

16:27

Yeah. Do you find? I can

16:29

get train options to London. Yeah. I can

16:31

go to Bath and get like the 14 pass of the hour.

16:34

I can get that guy. Or I can go

16:36

to Westbury. Yeah,

16:39

get the hour and 10 train to Westbury.

16:41

No, Westbury to London? Fuck yeah. Yeah. I can go

16:43

to Bradford on Avon if I want to see how

16:45

the other half lives. Woo.

16:48

And I can get on the way back, get off

16:51

at Trowbridge. Whoa. Full spectrum.

16:53

Really playing to the local crowd

16:55

here. You got this crowd. Anybody

16:58

listening to this podcast, I'm going to have

17:00

to Google these fucking places. Have the people

17:02

of the area welcomed you despite, you know,

17:04

you not being from around here. Yeah.

17:08

And you should go back from where you came. That's what I

17:10

mean. Yeah. So

17:12

I'm in a little village. Yeah. Right. And

17:15

when I first moved it, like within a week,

17:18

my wife's at work and she brings me up and she said,

17:20

you need to get down to the bus stop that

17:23

is opposite the cafe/post

17:26

office/shop. Um,

17:30

because for years

17:33

the bus, the bus network didn't go through

17:35

the village. And so the villages, uh, and

17:38

I like calling them that because it sounds like the

17:40

one pitchfork away from stabbing a stranger. Um,

17:43

but the villages campaigned heavily and effectively

17:46

for years. And finally the bus service

17:48

came back to the village. Right. So

17:50

I've been there for a week and my wife said, you need to

17:52

get down there, um, because they're going to

17:54

welcome the first bus. Sean

17:57

Williams. Yeah. I'm

17:59

sorry. And

18:01

at no point did

18:04

I go, that sounds ridiculous. I

18:06

was just like, yep,

18:09

I'm there. And then she said, you

18:11

need to wear something purple and hung up on

18:13

me. I

18:15

was like, I don't know what I've got.

18:18

But anyway, I go out and there's probably

18:20

easily 20 people at this bus stop.

18:23

And the excitement in

18:25

the air, it is

18:28

buzzing me. Buzzing. The

18:30

bus comes through. These are people, this

18:32

is a bus that goes from from

18:34

room to bar and

18:36

it was like 9.30 in the morning. So

18:39

there's people commuting. They're on their way.

18:41

They've got shit to do. And

18:44

suddenly they see 20 people waiting at a bus

18:46

stop. The bus pulls up. We all get on

18:48

the bus and we shake the driver's

18:50

hand. The

18:52

lady who owned the cafe at the

18:54

time had made shit loads of hot

18:56

chocolate and she'd made

18:58

cupcakes. And so we're handing out

19:00

cupcakes and stuff on the bus. We

19:03

get the driver off the bus. We all pose in

19:05

front of the bus, get

19:07

a photo. And there's people on the bus going, have

19:09

these people never seen a fucking bus? We've

19:12

caused such a scene that a youth took off

19:15

his headphones. That's how serious

19:17

this was, right? And

19:21

it was in that moment that I realised this

19:23

is so different from London. If

19:27

I tried to delay a bus in London

19:29

by even 30 seconds with

19:31

hot chocolate and cupcakes, I

19:33

would have come off that bus drenched in hot chocolate

19:36

with a cupcake up my ass. And

19:39

I think that was one of the moments that I thought, I think

19:41

I'm going to quite like it in this village. Because

19:44

this is just the right side of bonkers. Absolutely.

19:47

Did anyone from the village get on the bus

19:49

that's there? Not none of us! None

19:51

of us! None of us got on the

19:54

bus. There's something here! You never need it! On

19:56

you go! On you go! The driver's driving away

19:58

going, this is why we stopped. And

22:00

I was like, what, so now

22:02

I have to meet you for you to let me know

22:04

you're going to go with other New Zealanders? Anyway,

22:07

they went to New York, found out they were going to be too expensive, so they

22:09

came back to me. And

22:12

Tyker had directed some of those episodes, so I

22:14

think they were desperate to get a flow

22:17

of the Concord's flavor. And

22:19

they didn't take into consideration that I can't

22:21

sing. The

22:23

other guy on the advert absolutely could. Fucking

22:25

great singer. But

22:29

the second series was directed by

22:31

Garth Jennings. Wow, okay. Yeah,

22:33

they really pulled out of the fucking staff man.

22:36

Yeah. But

22:38

in that first series, a

22:40

representative of Unilever who

22:42

owns Pot Noodle said

22:45

to me, do you want a

22:47

year's supply of Pot Noodle? And

22:52

I said, yeah, that will be one Pot

22:54

Noodle. And

22:58

I'll be honest mate, I won't finish it. And

23:01

one of the ad guys pulled me aside and said,

23:03

you shouldn't be saying that sort of thing too. And

23:06

then I went on Rod Gilbert's

23:09

BBC Wales radio

23:12

show and he asked

23:14

me a question, would you rather eat

23:17

a Pot Noodle or a

23:21

cat that is

23:23

roadkill? Let me write

23:26

this one down. This sounds good for me. Well, mate, straight away, right?

23:29

The comedic answer is I'll eat a cat.

23:33

And then on the Monday, my agent's

23:35

ringing me up going, okay, so I'm just

23:37

going to read out part of your contract.

23:42

And she said, the Pot Noodle

23:44

people have heard the radio

23:47

show and they have heard you say that

23:50

and they could ask for the money back.

23:53

And so I was just fucking shitting myself.

23:55

Because in the contract, that says I can't

23:57

besmirch the brand or something like that. And

24:00

I basically said, I

24:02

said, I'll eat the cat, there'll be more nutrition in

24:04

it. That was, I think that's pretty, that

24:07

was the bit they were upset about. That is pretty

24:09

bad. Because I remember Peter Bainham, they were trying to

24:11

convince, when Peter did it, they were trying to convince

24:13

people that pot noodles were

24:16

nutritious. But

24:18

they aren't nutritious. So

24:20

legally they weren't allowed to say in the

24:22

advert pot noodles are nutritious. So

24:25

what Peter said, and had to say in

24:27

the advert was, what's all this about pot

24:29

noodles being nutritious? And

24:31

then saying, I don't want them to be nutritious, I don't

24:33

like faffy food, but they're

24:36

not nutritious. But

24:38

they got the idea they were nutritious. You're going to be

24:41

in trouble again with pot noodles, they're going to come back

24:43

for the money now. Well, the money saved you for years

24:45

ago. Years ago, I'm out of contract. I've done probably

24:48

three other series without me now.

24:51

I think I'm fine. I

24:53

think they, so one of the pot noodle

24:55

adverts was about, they cut the

24:57

salt in the, in the Bombay

25:00

bad boy. And

25:02

I cut it by, the best bit to be fair, though,

25:06

they cut it by 50%. And

25:08

you looked on the nutrition thing. And I

25:10

did this on set, I looked on the nutrition thing. And

25:13

it still said 70% of your daily

25:15

intake. Like, oh my God.

25:19

So before you cut up 50%, you'd eat a pot

25:21

noodle and be like, oh, it feels like I'm sucking

25:23

off the Pacific Ocean. They

25:30

were, look, they were really fun, the advert. And

25:33

one of them was a high school musical piss take. And

25:36

the extras all had to sign

25:39

documents saying that they knew how to operate

25:41

a pedal. Because

25:44

they were, they were like kids in the background,

25:46

sort of, you know, like 12, And

25:49

they all, they had to have interviews with their parents, with the

25:51

kids, and they all had to say, yes, my child knows how

25:53

to operate a kettle. We had a

25:55

line and I'm so excited, I just wet

25:58

my pants. And

26:00

that had to go through so many

26:02

lawyers going, are

26:05

you taking the piss out of

26:08

incontinence? And it delayed filming.

26:11

And they were like, so

26:13

much weird shit was happening. It was great.

26:16

Yeah, it sounds amazing. I loved it. I'm

26:18

glad again. Let's

26:20

see how this goes. You're also the second

26:22

person, maybe there's more. I think

26:24

there might be more. She might be the third person who

26:27

have starred in the sitcom,

26:29

The Persuasionists. Oh, yeah.

26:31

Yeah, I've had Adam Buxton with Ian Lee

26:33

in it. Adam, but my character bullied Adam Buxton

26:36

all the way through. Yeah. Yeah.

26:39

It was Adam, it wasn't Adam's finest hour, I

26:41

think by his own admission, The Persuasionists. I don't

26:43

think it was anybody. Look,

26:47

I'm going to clarify. I think

26:50

we were all really good at it with what

26:52

we had. Okay. And for

26:54

me, I went into that. I was like, oh my God,

26:56

I thought my life was changed. I was like,

26:59

BBC sitcom with Simon Farnaby,

27:01

Daisy Haggard, Adam Buxton. Come

27:04

on my way. I can watch out

27:06

everybody. Here he comes. And

27:08

it got panned. It did get

27:10

panned. So hard. And

27:14

there were times with the script where

27:16

it didn't work. And

27:18

so we all went away and wrote alternatives.

27:21

And you've got Adam Buxton

27:25

script editing for you. And they didn't accept it.

27:28

We had Simon Farnaby, you wrote for the Paddington

27:30

movie. Yeah. And

27:32

Horrible History. Horrible History.

27:34

And they just didn't

27:36

use any other option. They just went, no, no,

27:38

no. This is how it's... And it's like,

27:40

it's not working. But I

27:43

learnt a lot on that. A

27:45

lot. I had

27:47

an amazing time. And

27:50

my naivety just was looking

27:52

back on it. It was fucking beautiful.

27:55

I remember we halfway

27:57

through filming the comedy.

28:00

commissioner of the BBC left and

28:03

I just didn't I'd heard about it but

28:05

I didn't think it was a thing and

28:07

I rock up on set and the atmosphere

28:10

was like well that's us dead

28:12

in the water we are dead and I was

28:14

like what are you on about and they're like

28:16

well the new commissioner coming in isn't going to

28:18

champion a project commissioned by the last commissioner so

28:20

we're gonna get put out at an awful time

28:22

there's gonna be no and I'm like but I

28:24

spent so much money on this like I wouldn't

28:26

do that to us there's been a

28:28

lot of money on us and they're like

28:30

no no we're dead in the water and that's

28:32

absolutely what what happened I was like fuck how

28:35

many I don't think I think if we'd been

28:37

able to go to a second series it could

28:39

have been good yeah I don't know if it

28:41

would have been a masterpiece it could have been

28:44

good though it was a good dynamic between the cast.

28:46

It's an amazing, really amazing cast you just yeah you've

28:48

listed that. It was a lovely dynamic between the cast

28:51

and I realized like

28:53

I had a moment because it was in full of

28:55

a live audience the first episode the

28:57

audience Wranglers fucked up and

28:59

got on the blue rinse brigade so

29:02

our first episode was recorded in front of 80

29:05

80 year olds and

29:07

it was brutal absolutely

29:11

brutal but in

29:13

one of the episodes the the warm-up

29:16

basically panicked and couldn't

29:19

do their job and so I sort of stepped in

29:21

and just you know banted with them and

29:23

all that and I in that moment

29:25

I've done warm-up before yeah I've done

29:28

acting before I was doing stand-up material

29:30

I was like oh my god this is all one

29:32

it feels like my life is built to

29:35

this and then I booked a tour in

29:37

for when it was gonna be released and

29:39

then promptly

29:42

canceled it so I was alright

29:44

yeah it's you know it's

29:46

turned out too bad no it's pretty it is

29:48

a brutal business though and that thing you know

29:50

that I've been fallen victim to that so much

29:52

with it and the Commission the people making the

29:54

choices change it all the time it's very rare

29:56

you get one for more than a couple of

29:58

years sometimes but ironically one who didn't like being

30:00

sued stayed in for about 10 years, but

30:03

to make sure we never came back. But

30:08

yeah, it's so ridiculous and it should

30:10

be, but yeah, it just felt like

30:12

a massive waste of

30:15

money. You know, of our money, of

30:17

our money, because it's the license money. Of course.

30:19

And it was like all because one person is

30:21

like, Oh, no, I don't want, because

30:23

that's the glory for someone else. Yeah. And meanwhile,

30:25

we're going, meanwhile,

30:27

I was going, this

30:30

is my dream. I

30:32

also learned how to say the

30:34

word detritus. Okay, good. Yeah. I

30:37

don't even seen it written down. So

30:41

I was calling it detritus.

30:44

And, you know, do the first take

30:47

detritus. And everyone's like, what the fuck

30:49

are you saying? I was like, I'm

30:51

saying detritus, you know, these heaps of

30:53

rubbish on the floor is detritus detritus.

30:56

Am I it is detritus. See, even

30:59

now I'm still a bit like

31:01

when I when I did an

31:03

episode of Jonathan Creek. Yeah. Maiming

31:08

a cigarette. There

31:12

was this, I was playing in New Zealand, because

31:14

I've got a very broad range. And

31:20

I had in a scene, I had to say

31:22

the words. And since that news

31:24

broke, more women have come forward with similar

31:27

complaints. And the

31:30

director stops me and goes, are you saying,

31:32

are you saying women or women?

31:34

I was like, well, I'm from New Zealand.

31:36

So that's how we

31:38

say women. He's like, yeah, but it's a

31:40

group of women. I was like, yeah, but in New

31:43

Zealand, like there's one woman and then there's a

31:45

group of women. I don't

31:47

know if there's any New Zealanders here, but

31:49

they'll hear the difference. Like this, there

31:51

is a difference. And

31:54

they just and I was like, do you want me to say

31:57

women? No, I yeah, okay. I'm

32:00

going to sound weird because I'm going to go English on one word.

32:03

And everyone's laughing and all that, but I'm also

32:05

going, I'm here for a day, I don't want

32:07

to be the guy who slows the whole fucking

32:09

production down because he can't say women. So

32:13

I'm then doing takes going, and since that

32:15

news broke, more women have come forward and

32:17

they're like, don't hit the word women. I

32:20

was like, I'm not hitting any women. And

32:23

on about the eighth take, right,

32:26

I finally, you know, did what they needed.

32:28

I'm going, and since that news broke, more

32:30

women have come forward with similar complaints and

32:33

the director went, oh, you're right. It does sound

32:35

weird. So

32:39

he just went back and did it all again. Wow.

32:42

Yeah. Wow. It was fun,

32:44

though. Good. It's good. Tired

32:47

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33:56

terms apply. I

34:01

mean, it's amazing. I mean, there's so much to talk

34:03

to you about and it's amazing. You know, you are,

34:05

I have to say, as this is showing, I hope

34:08

to people, that you're a fantastic stand-up. Oh,

34:10

thanks, mate. And you've given me this a few times.

34:12

It's all, you know, you have such a presence on stage. Is

34:15

that a play on the... My surname. That

34:18

I'm... A presence, yeah. A presence

34:20

on stage. It was, but let's do it. I'm

34:22

fucking leaving. Let's go. It's like high

34:24

school. Just when I said you're a good stand-up and then you do

34:26

that and ruin everything. But

34:29

yeah, you appreciate that because when I started

34:31

stand-up in New Zealand, I... Fuck

34:34

it. It was ages ago I was talking about working at a

34:36

radio station. And the reason I thought it up is because there

34:38

was an English bloke working there and

34:41

he handed me a

34:43

cassette tape of a

34:46

compilation of British comedy that he'd put

34:48

together. And he said, I think you should listen

34:50

to this. And Mr Fun was on it. Wow. And

34:54

the line that stuck with me, I

34:56

don't even know the context of it,

34:58

was tighter than a gnat's chump. Yeah.

35:01

And in

35:03

all honesty, I was 18. I'd

35:06

never heard the word chump. And

35:09

I didn't really know what a gnat was. In

35:12

New Zealand we call them sandflies.

35:15

And because that's

35:17

usually where they hang out. So I didn't

35:19

know. I'd still got that it was a funny line.

35:21

It sounds... It's fun to say.

35:24

Yeah. And mate, I committed

35:26

to gnat's chump. I

35:28

dropped it into sentences where it

35:31

wasn't fucking needed. Saying

35:33

to my mates, oh, it's tighter than gnat's chump.

35:35

And I'm like, what the hell are you on

35:37

about, mate? It

35:40

was like the time I tried to pick a fight

35:42

with some adults when I worked at a supermarket. Pushing

35:46

trim leaves. And the supermarket

35:48

was called Pack and Slave. Although

35:51

the amount of money they paid us per hour, I

35:53

called it Pack and Slave. But

35:55

I was pushing trolleys and they knocked even my trolleys

35:57

over. And so I confronted them. And

36:00

these were proper adults, three

36:03

of them. That could have been in

36:05

there like 20. But

36:07

my perception was they were bigger than me. And one

36:10

of them had facial hair. So I went

36:13

up to them and I said, I saw what you

36:15

did with my trolleys. And one of them said,

36:17

you're going to fight us over this. And

36:19

I just watched the movie Tombstone with

36:23

Val Kilmer and Kurt

36:25

Russell as Wyatt. And

36:27

Val Kilmer's got a line. I'm

36:30

your huckleberry. I

36:32

didn't know what that line meant. But

36:36

it came out in that moment. You want to

36:38

fight us over these trolleys? I'm

36:41

your huckleberry. Yeah,

36:43

and they all went, you're a what? And

36:46

then I realized, this hasn't worked. And one of

36:49

them pulled my tie, which is a clip

36:51

on tie, pulled that off. And

36:54

they threw it to the ground. And then they

36:56

walked past me. And all I remember is standing

36:58

there just going, I'm

37:00

your huckleberry. Why didn't it work? Why

37:02

didn't it work? And even to

37:05

this day, I don't quite know why it didn't work. I

37:07

think it's such a weird thing to say. I think a

37:09

lot of people have just been scared

37:11

off by that. It's like, what the fuck is this

37:13

guy? I've done my research on it now. And

37:16

even like experts on westerns

37:18

and stuff like that, I think it was

37:20

a thing, but I don't think it was

37:23

hugely popular. So even in the time and

37:25

place it was meant to be, people still

37:27

would have been like, you what? And

37:31

out of everything in that movie, that's the line

37:33

I fucking took. Weird. Anyway.

37:36

You think of Huckleberry Hound, I think, as well. Yeah, of

37:38

course. That would be your go-to. So

37:41

I'm your small cartoon dog. I know.

37:44

Doesn't work, does it? Doesn't work. I was

37:46

panicked, mate. My ass squeezed up like a

37:48

gnat's chuck. I

37:52

can ask you an emergency question. Please do. Random.

37:55

Random? Random. Random. Which

37:58

two different incompatible... animal species would you

38:00

most like to interbreed in a cruel

38:03

genetic experiment? And what

38:05

kind of creature do you imagine this unholy union

38:07

would create? If

38:10

you could do that. You

38:12

might be able to do it. I love that

38:14

you've come up with this question. Sitting

38:17

at a desk and just going, fucking yeah.

38:20

The platypus is kind of it. Yeah, platypus

38:22

is brilliant. That's been done. Fucking

38:25

gods done it already. More

38:28

evolution. Fucking don't act me. I

38:35

really like tigers. Yeah. So

38:38

let's go with tigers. Tiger. Tiger is a good start.

38:41

Tiger is a good start. And

38:43

I'll tell you what I don't like. Snails.

38:46

Sorry, I can't. Tiger snails could be pretty impressive.

38:48

Pretty good. Like, oh no, you're a god! Oh,

38:50

we got tied. We got tied. We

38:53

got tied. We got tied, guys. Fine. I

38:56

thought it would just go in into

38:58

its little shell. Into

39:01

its big shell, I mean. It's a tiger-sized shell. It

39:03

could just be a normal tiger with a

39:06

fucking shell on it. And

39:08

then it's actually scary. Yeah. It

39:11

is scary. Because it's

39:13

got attack and deep in. It's an all-rounder. Mate. Good

39:16

answer. Tiger snail. Snail Iger.

39:19

Snail, snail, snail. Snail. Snail.

39:22

Snail. Snail.

39:24

Snail. Sniger. Sniger.

39:27

Snail tiger. Tiger snail. Far out.

39:30

Yeah. Naming things is hard,

39:32

eh? Ask

39:34

my kids. Right, I

39:37

wanted to say so much. I

39:39

want to talk to you about, we've got time. We've

39:41

got time. We've got time. We've got time. You, I

39:43

mean, you've done a few pantos. I have. It's

39:46

a very British tradition, but you were in a

39:48

panto with Priscilla presently, I noticed. I was, yeah.

39:50

That was the first panto I ever did. Was

39:53

it? Oh, I didn't know what panto was. No,

39:55

that's what I wondered. And

39:57

after the first day of rehearsal, I was like, oh, it's over, Rach. I

40:00

can do that. Yeah,

40:05

I did Panto with Priscilla Presley and

40:07

then the next one I did was

40:09

with Marcus Brechstock and Vern Troyer. Oh yes. Minnie

40:12

me. And that was interesting.

40:18

He's gone now, you can tell us all about

40:20

him. He can't libel the dads. A

40:24

lot of porn stars came to watch that Panto. Oh

40:26

really? Because he was a tiny man

40:28

but he was big in the porn world. And

40:32

genuinely I would

40:34

say every two or

40:36

three shows there'd just be

40:39

porn stars in the audience. And

40:41

they don't dress conservatively. And

40:45

I would do, I had a bit where

40:47

I would have five minutes bantering with the

40:49

audience. And they'd always be near the

40:51

front because they'd get tickets through him so he'd

40:53

get them really good seats. And

40:56

you'd just see these very scantily clad

40:59

women amongst families.

41:03

And you could just

41:05

see dads going, I really recognise her. I

41:10

don't know what I recognise her from. And

41:12

then they'd all come backstage and meet him afterwards

41:15

and you'd just walk past his dressing room

41:17

and it would always be open slightly. And

41:19

you'd just walk past going, oh my God.

41:22

They weren't getting up to anything. They were just

41:24

chatting with him and wanting his autograph and wanting

41:26

photos with him. But

41:28

that was weird. He also made a

41:30

very bad cup of tea. And

41:35

we kept saying, but

41:37

I pulled him up on it. He made me a

41:39

really bad cup. This was early in the run. And

41:43

he said, oh I have a cup of tea with me.

41:45

And I was like, yeah cool. And

41:48

he did it. It was dreadful. And

41:50

I took a sip and I went, this is

41:52

shit mate. And he was like,

41:54

yeah. I heard

41:56

British people really particular on their cups

41:58

of tea. I was like, well,

42:00

yeah, but this is just shit. Like,

42:03

you don't need to be particular. This is just, I

42:05

don't know what you've done. Um,

42:09

I think, I think what he did was,

42:12

uh, just put a teabag in

42:14

milk. That

42:16

was the vibe I picked up. And

42:19

he said, um, he

42:21

said that none, the rest of the cast, most of

42:23

them had had a cup of tea with them and they

42:25

hadn't made a comment at all. And

42:28

I was like, wow, this is the, this is the conflict

42:31

of British people, isn't it? It's

42:33

the very particular about the cup of tea, but

42:35

they're also very polite. And he was forcing that

42:37

into conflict of going, oh, I want to tell

42:39

him it's shit, but that's rude. Yeah.

42:42

It was just amazing. He was up for

42:44

a laugh. He was, it was good times. Yeah. Yeah. Um,

42:48

and, uh, I'm up in Leicester,

42:50

Leicester for the third time this year

42:52

at De Montford Hall and I've done

42:54

something audacious, Wretched. What is it? I

42:57

booked myself to

43:01

do a solo standup show

43:03

at De Montford Hall in

43:05

February next year. Right. It's

43:07

thinking if just, if

43:09

just a handful of them from the Panto come

43:11

see me, I might be able to, might

43:14

be able to get a few handy in there.

43:16

Yeah. A few handy in there. So you can

43:18

mention every Panto there because Panto is a movable

43:20

face. So you can say anything you want. I

43:22

presume they let you. Well, not anything you want.

43:24

They didn't. They didn't

43:27

let me do this joke last year. So,

43:32

so it was Cinderella last year. I was playing a part

43:34

of buttons and, uh, in my

43:36

opening monologue is saying about, I'm an

43:38

incident. Ooh, I'm an international buttons and

43:40

these international buttons all out there. And

43:42

I said, you know, uh, people keep

43:44

mistaking me as other international

43:46

buttons. Um, and

43:49

I've got to remember the wording of it. Um,

43:51

cause that's vital with jokes. Yeah. Thanks

43:53

for the tip. Basically

43:55

there was, I had a joke in it

43:58

of, um, and I was all.

44:00

dressed in blue and I said I'm a

44:02

New Zealand button, I'm all dressed in blue,

44:04

my cousin he's Russian and

44:06

he's all dressed in red but they stopped

44:08

that because Putin kept trying to push that

44:10

red button and they were like, yeah,

44:13

let's not have that joke in there. And

44:17

then I wrote another joke for

44:19

her of, are

44:22

you the buttons that

44:24

doesn't go to work anymore? I said

44:26

no, he's Finnish. Are

44:28

you the buttons that just hangs around

44:31

people's necks all the time? I was like

44:33

no, he's Thai. Are you

44:35

the buttons that has

44:37

a lot of ladies to your

44:39

house? No, he's Himalayan. And

44:44

that got denied. I mean

44:48

obviously because it wasn't funny. This

44:51

isn't a panto crab, which is not a

44:53

panto crab. They're very thick. Not picking up

44:55

the panto vibe. They have to do sophisticated

44:57

jokes about William Herschel for this audience. That's

45:00

what they like. I went to Antsdem

45:02

and I went to the Van Gogh

45:04

Museum and weirdly lost

45:06

my left ear pod. Good.

45:10

See, they're very thick. They're people who

45:12

like to think they're intellectual so

45:14

if they hear a reference they'll laugh.

45:18

You've got them. You've got them. You

45:20

do fantastic acting.

45:24

You do lots of kid

45:26

shows. You were in a kid show called

45:28

The Joke Machine on CBBC. I was, yeah.

45:30

So what was the premise of that? The

45:33

premise was that kids would tell me a

45:35

joke and then I'd rip the shit out

45:37

of them. If I didn't think the joke

45:39

was funny, I was playing an alien

45:41

in a spaceship and we beamed them into my

45:44

spaceship and they told me a

45:46

joke and if I didn't like it I'd hit

45:48

a button and a hammer would squash them or

45:50

a dinosaur would come in and eat them or

45:52

they'd get ejected out into space. If

45:56

I liked it, they'd celebrate and all that sort

45:58

of stuff and give them feedback. to their back

46:00

to their skill. Yeah,

46:02

it was a lot of fun. All

46:05

the jokes were pre, you know, the production crew

46:07

had gone to different schools and filmed the kids

46:09

telling jokes. And then I was in the studio

46:12

for five days. Just

46:14

to add, to add lib stuff. Yeah,

46:16

ad libbing on every joke.

46:18

And look, kids. They're

46:22

cool. I think kids are

46:24

alright. But fuck

46:26

me. They

46:29

repeat a lot of material. A

46:33

lot. One that kept coming up was, what do

46:35

you call cheese that's not yours? Nacho cheese. And

46:40

every now and then a real genius one would come

46:42

through like a kid said, why did

46:44

the toilet paper not cross the

46:46

road? Because it was stuck in

46:48

a crack. And

46:51

that joke, in all honesty, I've taken

46:53

it. And

46:55

that's my joke when just

46:58

an everyday life, people like, oh, you're a comedian,

47:00

tell us a joke. That's the joke I tell.

47:03

It's always security guards, you know, when you're trying

47:05

to get into a venue and they're like, oh,

47:07

you're a comedian, are you? Tell us a joke.

47:09

And I used to go, well, I'm not on

47:12

the clock right now, mate. I mean, you know,

47:14

on your day off, you don't stop people entering

47:16

buildings, do you? And then and then

47:18

I'll go, oh, look, judging by the size of you, you know, that

47:21

will get me in trouble. So

47:24

I never really had an answer for that. I don't know

47:26

if you have a no, I don't, I'm very bad at

47:28

remember jokes. But yeah, the one I do is what's

47:31

Brown and taps at your window, a poo on

47:33

silt. That's my I like it

47:35

a lot. Good joke. But that's the only one I

47:37

can remember. I like it a lot. That's great. And

47:40

I saw I do a live kid show

47:42

now called the mighty kids beatbox comedy show

47:44

with an incredible beatboxer called

47:47

Hobbit, who is

47:49

a world champion,

47:51

beatboxer, UK champion loop station,

47:54

like he's proper talent today. And,

47:57

and then I pick around. But

47:59

this year and Edinburgh we had a comedy club section

48:01

of getting kids to tell

48:03

us jokes. And most of the time

48:05

it went great. And

48:08

there was one show where a kid said, what's black

48:10

and white and red all over? Nuns

48:13

being attacked with chainsaws. Yeah,

48:20

that was an interesting one to try and

48:22

spend, you know, having

48:25

younger kids there going, what does he

48:27

mean? We're moving on, we're moving on.

48:30

It's kind of, it's such an old joke and

48:32

like it's so, the actual original version of that

48:34

joke, which is the answer is a newspaper. Yes.

48:37

It's such an old joke it's sort of surprising a kid

48:39

would be able to... To

48:41

wish that. Yeah, yeah. I loved it.

48:43

I thought it was incredible. And another one

48:45

that came up a couple of times that

48:48

there was two jokes that came up a

48:50

few times that would always absolutely

48:52

slay. It

48:54

was, what do you call

48:56

a bee

48:59

that provides milk? A

49:02

booby. And

49:05

the other one is an Olaf Bouloffel joke because

49:07

we were obviously getting a lot of kids that

49:09

were seeing his show, his kid's show. And

49:12

it was what do you call a Spanish man who

49:15

lives in your bathroom? Seen

49:18

your buttholes. And

49:26

a surprising amount of times that joke came

49:28

up and I was like, you've seen Olaf

49:30

Bouloffel and I like it. Very good. I

49:34

guess that's how jokes then become a joke that

49:36

everybody tells, right? Yeah. Isn't

49:39

that the Holy Grail for comedians?

49:44

A joke joke that you wrote suddenly

49:46

becomes a joke joke for

49:48

everyone? I mean, yeah. I

49:50

would love to be able to write stuff like that. That's

49:53

not really where I'm at. But it must be annoying

49:55

to be the guy who comes

49:57

up with one of those jokes that then just becomes... public

50:00

property and no one gets told. You

50:02

go, I came up with that. They'll

50:05

go, no you didn't. I've

50:07

been going around for years. But

50:09

yeah, it's interesting what appeals and

50:12

what doesn't. When you

50:14

look at Victorian jokes, they

50:16

actually make no sense at all. So

50:18

what makes sense, you just go fucking

50:20

there's no even a sentence. Those

50:23

words don't even work in the next

50:25

of each other. So it's amazing how

50:28

it changes and what grabs people. And

50:30

kids are a great audience

50:32

for that. They're a tough audience. I like them when

50:35

they're little and they know what jokes are. But they

50:37

don't know how to do it. My youngest daughter came

50:39

up with a joke that she committed to

50:46

for fucking years, which

50:48

was why did the bunny jump in the

50:50

puddle? Because it wanted to get all

50:52

muddy. You

50:56

need someone to drop some glasses at that point to really

50:58

get in the puddle. Someone slipped

51:00

in the puddle. But she committed to

51:02

that, committed to that joke fucking

51:06

years. And as

51:09

a dad, and this is where I was conflicted, because as

51:11

a dad, I was like, oh good for you. But as

51:13

a comic, I was like, no. That

51:16

doesn't work. At

51:19

best, it's a short story. What

51:23

my son does that really makes me laugh and

51:25

really makes him laugh, it's

51:28

very in the vein of Leon Herring as well,

51:30

is when he's reading a book, when he's just

51:32

learning to read, and then he'll just start

51:35

going, he'll be reading it properly and he'll

51:37

go, whatever, it'll be like when

51:39

was the last time you saw a donkey? That came

51:42

up in the book he was reading, and then he'll

51:44

just go, peanut pot. And then he'll

51:46

go, peanut pot, peanut pot, peanut pot. And

51:48

he'll just say, he'll just read everything as

51:51

peanut pot. And then laugh. And go, why

51:53

is, what does peanut pot even mean? There's

51:55

no such thing as a peanut pot. And

51:57

he just fights it. Then

52:00

he'll go back and go, okay, we'll do it. When

52:02

was the last time you saw a peanut pot? Oh,

52:06

beautiful. Peanut pot. Just relentless. Yeah, and

52:08

he just won't ever stop. That is

52:10

very Lee in hearing, isn't it? It

52:12

is. Just keep doing it until

52:14

it's funny. Keep doing it and it gets... True. And

52:18

then keep going when it's not funny, and

52:20

then it gets funny. It works though. It

52:22

comes round again. It works. It's interesting that

52:24

he's now... because it is a really funny

52:27

combination of words. And he's obviously put it

52:29

together himself. Peanut pot. It's a funny thing.

52:31

It's a funny idea and it's a funny

52:33

combination of words. So, sorry, you've

52:36

got another fucking generation of this shit coming through.

52:38

Well, one or two of them, one of them

52:40

is the oldest. Well, no, actually both my daughters,

52:42

I think, come up with this. And

52:44

it's brutal. It's

52:46

brutal. They do it to me and my wife all

52:49

the time. Um... Ask

52:53

me something. Okay. When was

52:55

the last time you saw a donkey? What? When

52:57

was the last you think I could? It's

53:05

so brutal! And

53:08

they do it... And I'm deaf

53:10

in one ear. And so

53:12

I'm saying, what is like... Well,

53:17

I fucking heard the witch laughing. My

53:22

spell is complete. So

53:27

I say what a lot. Also,

53:30

my oldest daughter informed me that

53:32

I've been farting in public and thinking I've been

53:35

getting away with it. For

53:38

quite a while. But it turns out, because I'm deaf

53:40

in one ear, that

53:42

my, what I thought weren't loud farts

53:44

were definitely audible.

53:49

I've done that when I've got noise cancelling headphones on. I've thought

53:51

I've got away with it. Yeah, and then you go, oh, no,

53:53

I didn't get it. Oh, no, everyone's looking

53:55

at me now. Right,

53:57

we'll ask you another... We'll go old school. dice

56:01

but it's and

56:05

it's coming from behind these bushes in our front guard

56:07

and I'm like here we fuck again here we go

56:09

oh my god and so I peek around the side

56:11

and it was two cats fucking and

56:18

if you've ever heard that it does

56:20

sound like a tortured spirit and I've

56:22

done my research on it and it's

56:24

because the boy cats Willie is barbed

56:26

yes it's true yeah horrible man

56:29

as such pricks even

56:32

male cat yeah that's I mean why is that happened

56:34

what's the money what was so no no

56:37

okay good answer though

56:40

would you rather have a hand made out of ham

56:42

a hand made out of

56:44

ham and made of ham or an armpit the

56:46

dispenses sun cream that's difficult because you like you

56:48

know you look like you like eating but also

56:50

you know

56:53

I I'll be honest mate it

56:55

depends on my emotions when it comes to eating yeah

56:58

I'm not in harm if the is nice cool mate

57:01

I'm the same I'm the same no no it's

57:03

fun I'm dealing with it I'm

57:05

dealing with it I know I get hand made of ham

57:07

though wouldn't you bet Wow I

57:10

don't know if I'd be into eating my own hands though it

57:12

grows back does it grow back goes back how often well if

57:14

you just nibble it it would grow back on the day but

57:16

if you eat the whole thing you're gonna have to wait a

57:18

month to get the whole thing but you know what the dilemma

57:20

is though enough how do you make a

57:23

ham hand sandwich yeah because

57:26

you kind of need two hands

57:28

for to make a proper hand

57:30

yeah but a mayo in

57:32

there you want to you want a cheese you want

57:34

a cheese hand you're gonna put your

57:37

hands together you can put them on it you can have

57:39

to get someone else put the bread on the top I could

57:42

you got the bread on with my mouth yeah

57:45

yeah this is beautiful

57:51

what you just did there was almost contemporary time

57:53

and I feel bad that your

57:58

listeners aren't gonna get to see a Yeah,

58:00

well, look, it's with Phil being there, so...

58:02

What?! Multimedia?! Yep. Wow.

58:06

It's mainly on you, so they'll probably just have

58:08

a blurry leaning into it. And

58:11

that mime could look like you're miming something

58:13

else as well. Yeah. Are

58:15

you enjoying it? I'm alright. Um,

58:18

I... look, the, uh, ridiculous

58:20

part of me wants Ham

58:22

Ham. Um, but yeah, growing

58:24

up in New Zealand, hole in the ozone layer

58:26

straight over us, slip slop slap, that was the,

58:28

that was the motto when we were growing up.

58:31

So, sunscreen coming out of my armpit.

58:33

Yep, brilliant. I mean, that would help

58:35

a lot of people. Sure.

58:37

Um, and would it spray out? Would it

58:39

be like a... I mean,

58:41

if you want... Or would it just gloop out, like...

58:44

I think you'd have control over it. You'd have control over it.

58:46

You could choose the nozzle, because some people like it gloop. Mate,

58:48

how good would a day down on the beach be? Yeah.

58:52

Just walking along and going, fucking, this guy needs help. And

58:55

then rub it in with your ham hand. That's

58:58

why you're not allowed to have both. You can't have

59:00

both. Just imagine what would happen to the ham if

59:02

you had sun cream all over it. And

59:04

that's why they can never mix. Never mix the

59:06

two. Even, like, if you were married to someone

59:08

who'd chosen the ham hand, the

59:10

sun cream up, it would be too dangerous a combination.

59:13

It'd be like the tiger snail of... Of

59:16

whatever this is. It

59:20

really would. Oh my God, you're a very

59:22

good guest, Jared. I knew you would be. Thanks for having me, mate.

59:24

You're a very, very good guest. Tell

59:27

us, you run a club in your

59:29

village. In my village. Is everyone allowed

59:31

to come to that? Of course. From

59:34

all over the area? Yeah, it's

59:36

a pub called The Cross Keys

59:39

in Road Village. And we do

59:41

it monthly. It's called Pop-Up Comedy.

59:43

popupcomedy.org. Or

59:45

as I like to pronounce it, popupcomedy.org.

59:47

Right. Um...

59:52

You just get the same website. And

59:55

we also do shows

59:58

at a place called the Pear Tree. in

1:00:01

and a place called Whitley which is about 20 minutes

1:00:03

from here as well occasionally

1:00:05

do stuff and froom and once a year we

1:00:07

do the road comedy festival we've just had it

1:00:09

I asked you to do it yeah I couldn't

1:00:11

do it he said he had to wash his

1:00:13

hair yeah and yeah

1:00:15

we just did five nights there 450 people a

1:00:17

night sort

1:00:20

of under an amazing stretch tent on

1:00:23

a campsite called pitch perfect yeah it was

1:00:25

great and you still see you I'm assuming

1:00:27

you still you're a fantastic compaire especially yeah

1:00:29

I'm comparing I'm assuming you're still going around

1:00:31

the country as well yeah yeah I mean

1:00:33

I'm 43 very young 43 yeah I'm 43

1:00:35

it's tiring

1:00:46

yeah I love stand-up I love it

1:00:48

and actually going to Edinburgh this year

1:00:51

and doing my solo stand-up

1:00:53

show on the free fridge reawakened

1:00:55

my my love for stand-up good

1:00:59

but I want to start doing it

1:01:01

on my own terms like

1:01:04

being able to tour you having this vehicle

1:01:06

it's great because you're doing it on your

1:01:08

own terms I think that's fantastic but

1:01:11

driving a fucking Manchester on a Friday

1:01:13

do you know what I

1:01:15

mean it should be a four-hour drive it

1:01:18

takes me seven I just

1:01:20

keep thinking I could be using my time better

1:01:22

and when I run gigs myself sure I'm setting

1:01:24

it up I do it all put

1:01:27

the chairs out set the equipment up do the

1:01:29

show pack it all down yeah

1:01:31

it's effort but it's

1:01:34

much better doing that you

1:01:36

know I mean cuz I've got control over it it

1:01:38

was you know I'm building something and it feels it

1:01:40

feels good it feels positive same with the

1:01:42

kids show it's something different I

1:01:44

like to be challenged and

1:01:47

hence you know taking roles

1:01:50

in Holly Oaks late I

1:01:52

like to be challenged and

1:01:54

but you know you but you're also you're able to do

1:01:57

all these things you're a great actor you're a great cop

1:01:59

you know stand up you could do

1:02:01

kid shows, it's great to have them pantomimes,

1:02:03

it's great to have that versatility. I

1:02:06

think it is. I mean, sometimes I

1:02:08

think my versatility has sort of, I

1:02:12

don't know, I am very content with where I am and

1:02:14

it's taken a lot of mental

1:02:17

fucking searching on my butt,

1:02:22

because this is an ego-driven business. And

1:02:24

I moved to London when I was

1:02:27

20 going, I'm gonna be fucking

1:02:29

massive. I didn't think I

1:02:31

was talking about my waistline. Stop

1:02:34

it. Like to

1:02:36

the point that when I got to London

1:02:38

in November 2000, I went

1:02:40

into a telephone booth and I had the number

1:02:42

of the comedy store and I phoned them

1:02:44

up, I'd landed at 6am

1:02:47

and at 10am I phoned the comedy store and

1:02:50

I said, I would like to come and perform at

1:02:52

your club please. And they said, we don't

1:02:54

know who you are. I was like, that's all right. I

1:02:57

know who you are and I've

1:02:59

been doing stand-up comedy in New Zealand for

1:03:01

two years. So I'd love to come

1:03:03

and perform at your club. And I said, well, we'll

1:03:06

put you on the list, do an open spot. I

1:03:08

was like, well, I can pop down this weekend if

1:03:10

you want. And they were like, that's not how it

1:03:12

works. I was like, I can do 20 minutes this

1:03:14

weekend. Have you got space?

1:03:16

Just squeeze me on. And I just

1:03:18

thought that that was it. And they

1:03:20

were like, in six months, you

1:03:23

can come and do five minutes. And I

1:03:25

was like, five minutes, really? And they were like, yeah.

1:03:27

And if you fuck it up, we won't look at

1:03:29

you again for another two years. I

1:03:31

was like, well, I'm not gonna fuck it

1:03:33

up. I've easily got five minutes. Then

1:03:36

I hit the open mics there. I couldn't realize the

1:03:38

20 minutes I'd been doing in New Zealand was dog

1:03:40

shit. So my open spot

1:03:42

at the comedy store was fast approaching. And I was

1:03:44

like, I don't even think I've got the five that

1:03:46

I thought I am. So my

1:03:48

naivety pushed me a long

1:03:51

way, but the readjusting,

1:03:54

do you know what I mean? I had

1:03:56

little goes at things. I did mock the

1:03:58

week, fucked it up. Uh. No I didn't,

1:04:00

I nailed it. I nailed it

1:04:02

so hard that they were like, that guy's done

1:04:04

it. We don't need to get

1:04:06

him back on here to try again. You

1:04:09

know, because some of them, they were on there all

1:04:11

the time. They just keep trying and trying. But I

1:04:13

fucking clocked it the first time I did it. Alright?

1:04:16

You know, I did the panel shows a few times.

1:04:19

And I don't think they suit

1:04:21

every comic. I thought they might suit me, but

1:04:23

I overthought them. I wasn't loosey goosey.

1:04:25

I was like, this is really important, you have to

1:04:27

do really well. And there's a phrase

1:04:29

that a

1:04:32

comedian told me, I think, I can't remember who it was.

1:04:35

But the phrase is what's important, which

1:04:38

is play the gig, not the occasion. And

1:04:42

that's what I kept doing when I did those panel shows.

1:04:44

Because I kept thinking about the occasion. I kept thinking, if

1:04:46

this goes well, this could change, and I could get this,

1:04:48

and I could get this, and I could get this, and

1:04:50

I could get this. And then I'm actually on set, and

1:04:52

they're like, Jared, you haven't said anything. Oh,

1:04:54

that's because I'm three years

1:04:56

ahead in my life imagining that

1:04:58

this has gone well. So

1:05:01

there would be too much pressure on myself.

1:05:03

Sure, sure. So you've got to do some

1:05:06

mental gymnastics, don't you? You do, and there's a

1:05:08

lot of luck in all these things. And there's

1:05:10

a lot of brilliant comedians. I think

1:05:12

the more I do this show as well, you talk

1:05:14

to people, you're like, fuck, there's so many really

1:05:17

funny people that most of

1:05:19

the country won't have, including me, I

1:05:21

would say. Most of the country haven't

1:05:24

even heard of. And it's just that

1:05:26

luck of whether you take the

1:05:28

breaks, get the breaks, and take them, and

1:05:30

just have a good day or not. Again,

1:05:32

those people changing roles,

1:05:34

and if you're on one side

1:05:36

of the divide, you lock in if you're not on the

1:05:38

other side. It's a lot about being ready for that moment.

1:05:42

And my concern sometimes for

1:05:46

younger comics, because it never happened when we

1:05:48

started out. No

1:05:50

one was getting on. Certainly when I got

1:05:52

here in 2000, there was no one in

1:05:54

their 20s on TV, conveniently. Whereas

1:05:57

now, the posh be youth is

1:05:59

great. and there are really good comics coming

1:06:01

through, but I sometimes worry that you

1:06:04

might become like really big too

1:06:07

soon and not have the

1:06:09

material to back it up. You do smash

1:06:12

live at the Apollo, then you smash another thing,

1:06:14

then you smash another thing and then people are

1:06:16

wanting an hour from you and

1:06:18

you're like, I'll be going two years, I don't have

1:06:20

like the fucking Chris

1:06:23

Rock level hour and that's what people are

1:06:25

expecting from you. So it must

1:06:27

be really hard for those young ones, aye? It must be

1:06:29

hard for them and it's hard for the old ones, it's

1:06:32

a terrible, terrible business. But

1:06:34

look, I'm glad that things are going well for you and

1:06:36

I'm glad you got the pantry coming up. I've

1:06:39

carved my little hole in the ice and I'm fucking

1:06:41

fishing and I'm hauling up some medium sized shit. It's

1:06:43

good. And it's good and the big ones, they don't

1:06:45

fit through so I let them go. I let those

1:06:48

big fish go. And just, you

1:06:51

know, look, my family's okay, I'm okay and

1:06:53

I'm enjoying what I'm doing. So I, you

1:06:55

know, get there. And I'm sure people will

1:06:57

check you out. You must check Jared out

1:06:59

if you haven't seen his set, it's fantastic.

1:07:02

Find him wherever he is, do a tour.

1:07:04

I've got a special on YouTube. Special on

1:07:06

YouTube. Jared Christmas Live from a Village Pub.

1:07:09

Good. Yeah, it's filmed in the

1:07:11

Cross Keys which is across the road from my

1:07:13

house. Brilliant. Fantastic. Ladies and gentlemen, please give it

1:07:15

up for the amazing Jared Christmas. Thank you. I'll

1:07:17

see you at the back. Thank you very

1:07:19

much. Goodbye.

1:07:24

And you have been listening to Rallis Upper

1:07:27

with me, Richard Herring and my guest, Jared

1:07:29

Christmas. Scant regard. Do

1:07:31

the musical stuff for these

1:07:33

credits. I'm indexed to my

1:07:35

friend Chris Evans, not that one. To Ben

1:07:37

Evans, not that one. Beck Cliff, George Linkford,

1:07:40

everybody at the comedian and

1:07:42

everybody who works on this

1:07:44

show. Whereas it's the

1:07:46

humblest little tea boy to the

1:07:48

executives in the big tower in

1:07:51

the middle of London who run

1:07:53

the roost. This

1:07:55

is the Strivet idea. Fasten. Go faster. Tired

1:08:10

of ads crashing your comedy podcast

1:08:12

party? Good news! Ad-free

1:08:14

listening on Amazon Music is included with

1:08:17

your Prime membership. Just head

1:08:19

to amazon.com/adfreecomedy to catch up

1:08:21

on the latest episodes without

1:08:23

the ads. Send

1:08:26

shows me how to add. Thanks for listening to that. Go

1:08:28

and listen to another one. One of mine preferably but

1:08:30

you know any podcast is good. That's what I

1:08:32

say. They're all good. Remember richterring.com/newsletters if you want to get a chance

1:08:34

to win some prizes and early news of my upcoming tour of some

1:08:36

kind. I wonder what it could be. who

1:08:40

don't know who I am. I'm going to be doing a live tour of the show. I'm going to be doing a

1:08:42

live tour of the show. I'm going to be doing a live tour of the show. I'm going to be doing a

1:08:44

live tour of the show. I'm going to be doing a live tour of the show. I'm going to be doing a

1:08:46

live tour of the show. I'm going to be doing a live tour of the show. I'm going to be doing a

1:08:48

live tour of the show. I'm going to be doing a live tour of the show. Tickets

1:08:51

to my tour are great Christmas gifts for

1:08:53

your friends and family, especially

1:08:55

ones who don't know who

1:08:57

I am. richterring.com/rehulist upper richterring.com

1:08:59

for the upcoming tour which

1:09:01

will be announced very soon.

1:09:04

OK. Love you guys. Take

1:09:06

care. Listen to another one.