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the trials and tribulations of modern day parenting,

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each week we'll be chatting to a famous

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they're not coping. And we'll also be hearing

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from you, the listener, with your tips, advice

0:26

and of course, tales of parenting woe. Because

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Like in-your-face flavor. Orange mango. Black raspberry.

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2:07

you're listening to Parents in Hell with... Kids,

2:10

can you say Rob Beckett?

2:13

Rob Beckett! And can you

2:15

say Josh Whiticum? Josh Whiticum!

2:18

Well done! Wow,

2:21

our first cult leader. Do

2:23

you know what that felt like? It felt like she

2:25

was hosting a quiz on

2:28

CBBC. You know, when you're like,

2:30

kids, are you ready? You've got to go

2:32

through the gunge, then you've got to defeat

2:35

the man dressed as a pirate, and then

2:37

you've got to collect the tokens. Yeah, that

2:39

felt like a great energy, like it was

2:41

a birthday party or a family event. And

2:43

then went, oh, while we're all here, let's

2:46

do this. I'm going to tell

2:48

you, Rob. Go on. Oh, wow.

2:50

Do you know what? Fair play

2:52

to Tanya. Tanya! Not at a Tanya

2:54

for years. No. What's a Tanya? Same thing? Tanya,

2:56

Tanya. Tanya's a

2:58

sort of posh Tanya, isn't it? Her

3:00

PS is fucking incredible. PS. I've scheduled

3:02

sending this for 5am on a Monday

3:04

morning to be top of the inbox.

3:09

And it worked! Fucking brilliant. She's

3:11

on fire, Tanya. But I'm going

3:13

to tell you now, I think

3:15

where she is is your

3:17

idea of hell. Oh, okay. She

3:22

is at Tottenham Hotspur

3:24

Stadium, teaching children maths

3:27

at 6am on a Monday.

3:29

No, she's not, Rob. What she is doing.

3:32

This is Dylan, Amelia, Jackson, Mayor,

3:34

Seth, Nathan, Lottie and Missy,

3:36

aged 96. They are

3:38

posh. To 144 months. Yeah.

3:41

This is recorded at our 12th NCT

3:45

holiday get together. Fucking hell,

3:47

Tanya. Having met 13 years

3:50

ago when we were pregnant with our firsts. I

3:52

know this sounds like hell, Rob. She's nailed it as well.

3:55

Well, at least we know each other. You know what we

3:57

like, we don't like. But it's genuinely the best week of

3:59

our year. Josh, you'd love it, I don't

4:01

know. Eight adults, eight kids, a big villa,

4:03

and a lot of food, drink, and laughter.

4:06

Yeah. I thought they

4:08

were gonna be camping, so the villa I'm on board with.

4:10

We are all big fans of the show. Yes, the kids

4:12

too. Thanks for all the laughs,

4:14

keeping sexy and relatable. Laura and Alex, Vic and

4:16

Al, Tanya and James, Karen and Nish. Right,

4:19

I'm gonna say something here. An adona

4:21

calls eruptions in what looks like a

4:23

quite wholesome event. There is no

4:25

way all eight adults

4:27

like each other. Forget the kids. There

4:31

is no way. I

4:34

get the feeling Tanya may get on with everyone.

4:36

Yeah. However, I'm not saying they don't

4:38

get on with Tanya, but there may be other infighting

4:40

in there. Give me the names again, I'm

4:42

gonna predict you don't like each other. Okay, Laura and Alex,

4:44

what do you think of Laura and Alex? Laura

4:47

and Alex, I think Alex works in finance, Laura

4:49

works in HR, a job without, they're

4:52

no trouble. Vic and Al, I'm

4:54

presuming Vic's the woman. Vic and

4:56

Al, now these are wild cards. These are our

4:58

we short on our names because we're a bit

5:00

of a laugh. Now I think Vic and Al,

5:02

I think they're the ones that Laura

5:05

and Alex don't mind, but won't say, can they not

5:07

come because they don't have an adona called eruptions. Yeah,

5:09

yeah, yeah. Because Vic and Al are a bit too

5:11

wacky for me. Yeah, and others. Then you've got Tanya

5:13

and James. Tanya and James, they're from money. I've got

5:16

the feeling Tanya and James front up the old house

5:18

and then they'll come in quite cheap. Well, I don't

5:20

know if they're from money. I think Tanya knows how

5:22

to make money because she worked out how to email

5:24

at 5 a.m. on a Monday morning. Even way, I

5:26

think they're weighed in. Tanya runs a hedge fund. Yeah,

5:29

yeah, yeah, 100%. And do you know what

5:31

they do? They go, we'll just book the villa, just bring

5:33

some drinks. And then Laura and Alex go, Vic

5:35

and Al do our heads in, but it's a free holiday

5:37

and the kids like it. Karen and Nish. Karen

5:40

and Nish, I mean, if anything, Karen's just probably

5:42

trying to keep her head down because

5:44

of the name. Do you know what I mean? It's tough

5:46

to be a Karen out there. So she's probably just happy

5:49

for any invite at the moment due to the terrible PR

5:51

that Karen's getting. Same with the name Nish in the last

5:53

few years. Oh, Nish Kumar. Yeah,

5:55

you got Karen and Nish. That is tough, innit?

5:59

If you're a consumer... What's the opposite, motor? He's

6:02

called Nish, not for me. She's a Karen, less

6:04

worth it. They've even sent in a

6:06

lovely picture of their kids by the lake. And

6:09

I've absolutely shut all over their wake. Yeah, but

6:11

I'm not gonna- Maybe I'm wrong, but that's my

6:13

gut. That's what my gut's telling me. Well, she

6:16

said you'd hate it. We've delivered, we delivered what

6:18

you want, Tanya. Michael was predictable with

6:20

which emails he chose. Rob was predictable with his reaction.

6:22

And I was there as well. No, but what I've

6:24

done is I've not just gotten that wouldn't be my

6:26

cup of tea. I've gone through the names of all

6:28

the people attending. And told

6:31

Tanya why I think they don't like it, which

6:33

seems a bit much. She's added. Yeah. One

6:36

person from each couple has slept with each other and

6:38

she wants Rob to work it out. Okay, here we

6:40

go. Nish, dirty.

6:44

Nish and Vic. Absolute fuck bastard. Nish and Vic.

6:46

But no, I'm glad you have a nice time.

6:48

And do you know what it sounded like they

6:50

were having fun? So maybe, cause you know, we've

6:52

got friends that we get on with the parents

6:54

and all the kids get on and there genuinely

6:56

is no eruptions either way. However, finding that with

6:59

four couples is impressive, but I'm not saying it's

7:01

impossible. But that's just my gut instinct on it,

7:03

Josh. But I'm glad you've had a great time,

7:05

Tanya. Thank you for sending that in. Have

7:07

a great holiday. We're going away with two couples this

7:09

weekend, Rob. Yeah. So

7:12

this is recorded before Father's Day, Rob.

7:14

Right, okay. But we're in

7:16

separate, it's a cabo in

7:18

Kent, which is like kind of, they're not

7:20

called pods. What would they be called? You

7:22

went before, it's like a posh cabin sort

7:25

of thing, isn't it? Yeah,

7:27

cabins. Three separate cabins.

7:29

Yeah. We're not all in

7:31

one. No, that's good. I think that's

7:33

very healthy. The year row starts on Friday, Rob.

7:35

Oh yes, please. Straight on eight o'clock, Germany, Scotland.

7:37

Germany, Scotland. That's going on the telly. Please tell

7:39

me that's going on the telly. I'm watching that,

7:41

yeah. I would, I'm at the stage of my

7:43

life now, where if they're all in one

7:45

cabin having a laugh, I'd say, well, if you're not

7:47

gonna watch it and you don't want it on the telly, I'll

7:49

sit in the other cabin until 10 o'clock, then I'll come back.

7:51

Yeah, of course. And I'm willing to live by that. Well, you

7:53

just bang in the middle of really

7:55

bedtime as well, isn't it? True,

7:58

yeah. I mean, yeah, but they don't go. I've been late

8:00

when there's something like that. It's holiday, innit? It's holiday,

8:02

holiday rules, Josh. Yeah, exactly. Do you know what I'm

8:04

doing for Father's Day? Well, that's it. His father's down on

8:07

Sunday as well, Rob. What are you doing? Are you coming

8:09

home? Are you staying? Well, we'll still be there

8:11

in the morning. In the morning, yeah. I'm

8:14

interviewing the lead singer from Slipknot. Oh,

8:16

you, Corey thingy. Yeah. Oh,

8:18

he's meant to be a laugh. Yeah, I know he's meant to be

8:20

a laugh. I would quite like to see my children. But

8:23

needs my, no, to be fair, it's worked out all

8:25

right. I'm at that scene in the morning and then

8:27

Lou's taking the kids to her dad's

8:30

to see her dad in the morning and then I'll see the

8:32

kids in the afternoon. Oh, nice, nice. Well, that may not happen.

8:34

I might get cancelled last minute, who knows? But that's the plan

8:36

at the moment. England in the evening? And England in the evening.

8:38

Also, what do you think about this, Josh? Lou

8:41

said backwards cap on me. What did you

8:43

say about it? She likes me wearing

8:45

a backwards cap and this is the

8:47

caveat on holiday. I think you

8:49

look like you're going undercover in a school to

8:52

try and find some teenagers that are. What, like

8:54

Channing Tatum in a, what's it called? Yeah, I

8:56

don't know, but you know. With Jonah Hill. I

8:59

think it's the only fourth street or whatever it's called. It's 42nd Street.

9:02

I fucking know how old are we? 21 job show. Ha

9:05

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

9:07

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Miracle

9:10

with 34th Street, yeah, yeah, I know the one.

9:12

I'm very glad I said that. 34th

9:15

Street. But yeah, Lou said you

9:17

quite liked the backwards cap on holiday. I didn't know

9:19

Lou was a paedophile, but fair enough. Wow, do you

9:21

know what I mean? Got to do

9:23

what you've got to do to keep her interested. 34th

9:25

Street, 42nd Street, 41 job street. Email

9:31

in if you've got any stories

9:33

about getting the names of things mixed up. Ha ha

9:35

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

9:37

I mean really? Is that a good one? Yeah, go on. It's

9:40

worth a go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Playground

9:42

shaggers to once I called Shawshank Redemption

9:45

the Shawshank exception. I

9:48

liked it. That's a bit of fun, that. That's right,

9:50

and Joe was a bit of bloody fun. Exactly. Michael,

9:53

if you do email those things, if you could schedule

9:55

them for 5am on Monday mornings at the top of

9:57

the inbox, that'd be ideal. Oh, poor Michael. a

10:00

horrible Monday. Michael will love that, he loves

10:02

films. I suppose the point now is you've

10:04

got to work out at what point on

10:07

a Monday morning Michael's checking the inbox and

10:09

get a minute because now 5am.

10:11

Go 5 15. Really you should

10:13

go 5 15 and then someone's gonna get, how

10:15

late can you go? It's a game of

10:17

kind of brinkmanship. How late can you go? Right

10:20

well should we introduce our episode? This

10:22

is Janine Haruni. Haruni, you will

10:24

find that out at the start because we

10:26

ask her. This is Janine Haruni. It's a

10:28

good one. Well we speak about doomsday preppers

10:30

quite a lot, talk about her stand-up career

10:33

and the fact that her husband does her

10:35

tour support and we ask quite a

10:37

lot of nerdy questions about New York. Because we're a

10:39

couple of nerds just by the way. I've got a

10:41

backwards cap. Yeah. I don't think a nerd has a

10:43

backwards cap mate. No sorry. They're too busy studying to

10:45

change their hats. I'm surprised you didn't ask her whether

10:48

she'd ever been to 34th Street or 42nd Street. You've

10:50

been up the old 21 Duck

10:53

Street. Janine

10:56

please excuse me. You pronounce Asia Aesernum. Is

10:58

it Haroni or Haruni? It's Haroni.

11:00

Haroni. Like Peroni. Like Peroni, perfect. Yeah.

11:02

That's why you live in London using Peroni

11:04

as an example. In America I used

11:06

to say Haroni like Bologna and I tried

11:09

that here and they were like I don't

11:11

know either of those words. Bologna! Well

11:17

welcome to the podcast Jarene. Oh

11:19

no. Oh no. I'm

11:21

Peroni by it.

11:23

Janine Haroni. How are you Janine?

11:26

I'm good. How are you? Rame. Great.

11:30

Josh you all right? Yeah I'm good. I'm good. Thanks

11:32

for doing this because you're very busy. You're in to

11:34

buy it on tour or is

11:36

it one of the circuit gigs out there?

11:38

I'm on tour. I'm doing my tour show

11:40

here. Honestly this was the perfect time because

11:42

I'm got a nine month son

11:44

at home so doing anything

11:47

in the same house as a baby is

11:49

a ticking time bum. Well you've left your

11:51

son for what is it 48 hours or

11:54

whatever? Yeah. How much do you check in

11:56

or are you enjoying the time away? Zero.

12:00

I checked in zero times. Yeah,

12:03

no, it's not bad. I just I need a break,

12:06

I think. Yeah, no, I think that's fine. I think

12:08

when they get older and they ask to speak to

12:10

you about this age, they don't know what's going on.

12:12

They're just sleeping and eating. I'm not talking to him

12:14

when I'm at work. He doesn't know my schedule. I'm

12:17

being busy. Exactly. Exactly. Getting a

12:19

massive lion. How good at that age at nine

12:21

months when you go away to work for a

12:23

couple of days and you get that lion, it's

12:25

outrageous, isn't it? You know what's crazy is I

12:28

just toured in America and my parents looked after

12:30

Miles, my sons called Miles while

12:32

we were away and my husband was opening

12:34

for me. So we would

12:36

be with my parents for the week. Then on

12:39

a weekend, me and my husband would fly to

12:41

two or three different cities and

12:43

leave our baby. It was like we were

12:45

just going away on little city breaks every

12:47

weekend. Oh, it felt like we were cheating.

12:49

Like it felt like we were cheating at

12:52

parenting. Were your parents totally aware of your

12:54

schedule? Or could you say I've done one

12:56

extra weekend and gone just doing Cincinnati and

12:58

blah, blah, blah. And then well, we did

13:01

stay for an extra night because it was

13:03

my husband's birthday. I always forget this poor

13:05

man's birthday. I booked a show in Boston

13:07

on his birthday and then I styled it

13:10

out. And it made him work. Yeah, I

13:12

was like, no, I planned it. So God,

13:14

I hope he doesn't listen to this podcast.

13:17

I was like, yeah, I planned it so that

13:19

we could stay an extra night in Boston. And

13:21

thank God, actually, Boston is a super cool city

13:23

and we had a really nice time. Yeah, that

13:25

is a good one to be in Boston. You

13:28

could have been in some of these. It's really

13:30

cool, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, like Raleigh,

13:32

North Carolina. That was not. That's the thing. You

13:34

completely guilt free as a couple if you're both

13:36

working. Exactly. Like if you just went to America,

13:38

drop your kid off and then just travel around

13:40

America for three weeks, you'd be like, what a

13:42

fucking parent's this? But when you are officially

13:45

doing that as work, it's the ultimate getaway.

13:47

And I mean, work is

13:49

an hour and a half a night. We had

13:51

so much free time. It was crazy. And

13:54

we had also because my parents don't get to

13:56

see miles very often because

13:58

they don't like. traveling too much. So it's

14:01

only whenever we come over, they get to

14:03

see him. They were just lapping it up.

14:05

And my mom was a maternity nurse when

14:07

she was working. So your child returned

14:09

to you actually sleeping better kind of

14:11

rhythm. Genuinely, genuinely, they

14:14

sleep trained him while we were away. And

14:16

now he sleeps through the night. Oh my

14:18

God. It was unbelievable.

14:20

Yeah. Is this the

14:22

first grandchild of theirs or of the other? No,

14:24

it's the third, but it's the first grandson. So

14:26

he does get, I think, right? Little bit

14:28

special treatment. Yeah. He gets preferential treatment. Yeah.

14:31

Can I ask what it's like having your

14:33

husband open for you? I know this is

14:35

what you're here to talk about, but

14:38

like there's obviously a dynamic there because what

14:40

if he has a bad one or you

14:42

like, you know, could you not

14:44

do this bit? Like, is there ever, is

14:46

there any situation going

14:49

on? There's one joke that he

14:51

has that's about me that's very funny, but

14:53

I've asked him not to do it. And

14:55

is it acknowledged that he's your husband when

14:58

he's on stay? Yeah. I introduce him. I come

15:00

on, introduce him as my husband. Yeah. Honestly,

15:03

it's great. The only way he could ever

15:06

mess my show up is if he was

15:08

way, way funnier than me. So I'm like,

15:10

yeah, have a good one. Have a bad

15:12

one. Just don't have an amazing one. Yeah.

15:15

He's done that a couple of times. And then I'm

15:17

like, come on, man. Yeah. There's

15:19

two ways to be sacked as a supporter. There's two ways

15:21

to be sacked. One is being too good

15:24

because it's hard to follow. Or the other one is if

15:26

they're too sheer or don't listen. If you say don't do

15:28

crowd work because I want to talk to them and then

15:30

they go out and do crowd work, you know, we'll get

15:33

rid of them. They're not even listening. Right. Luckily, we're

15:35

very different. He's so good at crowd work and

15:37

I am terrified of crowd work. I want to

15:39

go out. I'm like, I've written the jokes. I

15:41

want to come out, do the show. There's a

15:43

bit of crowd work in, but I never do

15:45

it at the top because I'm always just a

15:47

little too nervous to deviate. That

15:49

worked pretty well then. Really well, thankfully.

15:51

And what was the joke that you had to take out?

15:54

I'm not telling you. It

15:59

was about finding... my porn history online. I'm

16:01

like, I don't want people to know this. And he's

16:03

like, they don't know if it's real. I'm like, Oh,

16:05

it's real. Well,

16:07

especially if you've got to come on after, because

16:09

you sort of have to address it, write a

16:12

reply almost where is he allowed to do that

16:14

routine in clubs? I'd rather

16:16

he didn't. But he's told me a couple of

16:18

things he doesn't want me to say. And so

16:20

I've had to tweak them or stop doing them.

16:22

I think that's only fair. Why have your partners

16:24

said you can't say certain jokes? No,

16:27

but I think I'm, I

16:30

don't do that much about our relationship.

16:32

So I don't, it's not a situation

16:34

which has arisen, if that

16:36

makes sense. I've had people ask

16:38

me to tweak certain things. I used to do a routine

16:41

about some of my cousins saying that they

16:43

were in prison. And my mum was like, can you

16:45

not say that? Because auntie might get out. I'm like,

16:47

well, it's true. Right.

16:49

Wow. What was he in prison

16:51

for? All sorts. I mean, I don't need to go

16:53

through the full charge list. It was just

16:55

like a video footage of me and my family

16:57

growing up. And I was like, he's in prison

16:59

now. But in the video, he's like a cute

17:02

little kid. That's very funny. But yeah, I think

17:04

it's different though, if you are in

17:06

the public eye or especially at your show, you've

17:08

got to go on. If someone talks about your

17:10

porn history and then you're on stage next, it's

17:12

like you've got to address it almost. And then

17:14

it's just an awkward way to start. Yeah. Yeah.

17:16

He used to do this bit where he tells a

17:18

story where he thinks I wank the dog off. And

17:21

so I had to like,

17:23

come on and be like, I

17:26

don't wank the dog off. I

17:28

suck them off. No cleanup. Oh,

17:30

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18:30

may apply. You've

18:33

both got similar kind of evenings then and stuff,

18:35

so you're both around a lot in the day

18:37

and then how do you work that? Well,

18:40

Andrew does his main job

18:42

is he directs. So

18:45

he does actually recently he

18:47

started directing specials, so he is gone

18:49

in the night. So

18:51

we have an amazing

18:53

friend of ours who used to be

18:55

a nanny. She's also a comic. Basically, I

18:57

just employ comics. Some

19:01

real laugh being your baby. It

19:03

must be absolute hoot. You know what?

19:06

He because I did Edinburgh when I was nine months pregnant

19:08

with him. So I think because

19:10

of that, he laughed so much because I

19:12

think he just heard laughter so much while

19:14

he was in the womb. Oh, he wasn't at

19:16

my Edinburgh. I

19:20

think I rose as pregnant when you was in Edinburgh. So

19:25

you did Edinburgh at nine months. So was there a chance

19:27

you were going to give birth in Edinburgh? Yeah,

19:29

yeah, we had to register at like

19:31

the Royal Infirmary. It was so stupid. I

19:33

don't know what we were thinking. How

19:36

soon after did you give birth then? A week.

19:38

A week. Fuck it out. Yeah.

19:41

She want to hear something crazy. My agent, when

19:44

we were talking about whether or not I should

19:46

do it, she's given birth to two kids in

19:48

her house with no medication. One of them, her

19:50

midwife didn't even get there in time. She just

19:52

gave birth on the toilet. She's like, birth is

19:54

easy. She has no concept of how afraid

19:56

I was. And she was like, labor

19:59

takes out. I have friends that

20:01

were in labor for like two days. So

20:03

if you went into labor, you can always just get

20:05

on a train and go down to London. I was

20:08

like, what? I don't know anything

20:10

about giving birth, but I'm sure we shouldn't involve

20:12

the British rail. Yeah, not at the moment

20:14

as well. I've had the West Coast. The

20:16

kid would be about four months by the time he got there. Cause

20:19

Romesh, he had his kid in Edinburgh, didn't he?

20:22

His third kid. Now looking at his career as

20:24

the most Romesh thing ever, innit? Yeah, yeah. The

20:26

signs were there, weren't they? He

20:28

did the gig that night. He

20:30

did the gig? He did the gig. Was

20:33

his wife in Edinburgh with him or was she? Yeah,

20:35

yeah. She told him to go and do the gig. So

20:37

how was the labor then? You said you were scared. Was

20:39

you nervous then before? I didn't do it.

20:41

I had an elective C-section. You can

20:44

do that. You can do that on the NHS.

20:46

It's amazing. You just tell them. Yeah, and

20:48

they try and convince you otherwise. Like

20:51

all these midwives were like, are you

20:53

afraid? Do you want to go to like a class

20:55

to help? I was like, no, I just don't want

20:57

to do it. Just get it out.

20:59

I don't have to go through labor. It

21:01

was amazing. I think that's a

21:03

really positive thing to hear because you can,

21:05

there is a lot of, you

21:07

have to do this, you have to do this, there's stigma attached

21:10

to everything. So it's good to hear you kind of just say

21:12

that. Do you know many people that have done that? I

21:15

had one friend, it wasn't elective. She did

21:18

it because the baby was turned the wrong

21:20

way around. So she had a scheduled C-section,

21:23

but by the time it came to do the C-section,

21:25

the baby had moved and she was like,

21:28

let's still just do it. And

21:30

I mean, a C-section isn't easy.

21:32

The recovery is really painful. It's

21:35

not a laugh, is it? No, it's,

21:38

if someone told you that they had surgery

21:40

while they were awake, abdominal surgery while they

21:42

were awake on a battlefield, do you think

21:44

that was the most badass thing you'd ever

21:46

heard? Yeah. I'm gonna do it.

21:48

They're like, why don't you just pop that baby

21:50

out the sunroof? It's like, yeah, of a car

21:52

that doesn't have a sunroof. Yeah,

21:55

yeah. They've got to cut in

21:57

the sunroof to get the baby out. Well,

21:59

that's the thing, isn't it? I think there's a

22:01

weird stigma to it as well. And there's also like a weird like

22:04

showing off thing of like, you know, when you

22:06

give birth naturally and I hypno birth and it

22:08

was the most magical experience. And I felt a

22:10

one with my body and nature. And I'm like,

22:12

okay, well fair enough if you like that. But

22:15

no, cause like really then don't ever have a painkiller

22:17

ever again if you really want to experience nature. There's

22:19

drugs for a reason. Yeah, exactly.

22:22

Also I have given birth to zero

22:24

children at that point. And this doctor

22:26

had done it, I mean, 50 times

22:28

that day. So I trust him more

22:30

than I trust me. Yeah. And

22:33

so many things can go wrong. Honestly,

22:35

if you ask doctors, I

22:38

think it's something like 90% of doctors and

22:41

their partners have C-sections because they know all the

22:43

things that can go wrong for a natural birth,

22:45

you know? And when I heard that, that's

22:47

when I thought I was going to do it. Yeah.

22:49

Also, that's what I do think if you are busy, and

22:52

I don't know if this is, I'm going to get

22:54

cancelled for this, but when you are busy, it's quite

22:56

nice to go. 13th is coming

22:58

out. So if we get your

23:00

mum on the 14th, my mum on the 15th,

23:02

you cancel work for a week. Because, you know,

23:04

especially, you know, if you're trying to work and

23:07

put in schedule stuff and you're self-employed and things

23:09

like that, if you can manage that rather than

23:11

a baby just coming out in the middle of

23:13

like a mad work period, it's like- In the

23:15

middle of Edinburgh. In the middle of Edinburgh, exactly, yeah. What would

23:17

have happened if it had come early during Edinburgh? I

23:20

wouldn't have done the show, I guess. I don't know. Oh no,

23:22

I meant C-section wise. I didn't mean Edinburgh wise.

23:24

Oh, I see. I mean, they said

23:27

they didn't know. It was kind of

23:29

dependent on if there were any doctors

23:31

available because obviously they have to prioritise

23:33

emergency C-sections. So if you go into

23:35

labour, they say that you still can

23:37

have a C-section, but some

23:40

people have really quick labours. So I was

23:42

really terrified that that was going to happen.

23:44

Yeah, because if it's a quick one, there's no point cutting you

23:46

open, you're chasing it out. Yeah,

23:48

yeah. So

23:50

it's already half out, it's like- Putting it back through

23:53

the other exit. Exactly, it's like a tug of war.

23:55

I know, because in my show I ask women, you

23:57

know, I talk to them about their birth experience. One

24:00

woman at my show said she was in

24:02

labor. It was one of those two days labor. And

24:05

they said, you know what, the baby's in distress. We're going

24:07

to have to do an emergency C-section. And when they got

24:10

in there, the baby's head had already

24:12

started coming out. So they had to

24:14

pull him back. So we went out

24:16

the birth canal. Oh my God. And

24:18

then he pulled him inside the birth

24:20

canal to get him out. Oh my

24:22

God. Oh my God. It's a mess.

24:24

I recommend getting an elective C-section to

24:27

everyone. I probably won't do it.

24:30

It's got to be an easier way to have a child, isn't there? They

24:33

don't have to carry it for nine months in a bit. Oh

24:35

my God. Is it particularly

24:37

bad with humans or like do animals have

24:39

this? Yeah, in Sarah Pascoe's book, I

24:41

remember it said something about because our brains

24:43

have gotten bigger, our heads have gotten bigger.

24:46

And so actually human birth is one of

24:48

the most difficult ones. Yeah. So

24:50

the thicker you are, the easier it is

24:52

to birth animal-wise. No, because I think some

24:54

properly thick people have massive heads. I

24:58

don't think it's proportion to the size. Cause I

25:00

was, there were some kids at small school that

25:02

had really big heads. There weren't much going on

25:04

in there. It's all the casing. Yeah, exactly. Just

25:06

sort of the hard. My husband has a giant

25:08

head. My baby has a big head. Honestly, my

25:10

husband looks like he's wearing a helmet that has

25:12

his face on it. Like his head is so

25:15

big. I've got a fake mask then. And my

25:17

son looks exactly like him. How

25:19

have the first nine months been then? It's

25:21

exhausting, isn't it? It's, you see now

25:23

why sleep deprivation is used as a

25:25

torture technique. Yes. Yes.

25:28

That comes up a lot, I think in the first year when

25:30

people mentioned that. Now that he's sleeping,

25:32

he's been sleeping through the night for about

25:34

three weeks now. Now it feels a little

25:36

bit more, we feel a bit more human.

25:39

I think we might have painted a slightly

25:41

sort of too rosy picture of like, drop them

25:43

off for the mother-in-laws and go onto city

25:45

breaks. Cause that's sort of like a very

25:47

finite amount of time when you're tall, but baiting

25:50

you're back in London normally without your parents

25:52

support their mother. With no grandparents, because my

25:54

parents live in America and his parents live

25:56

in Ireland. So, yeah, it's been full on.

26:00

And also because you don't know what you're doing,

26:02

you know, the first one you just, and also

26:04

I want to say officially on the record, this

26:06

is also the last one. I can't imagine doing

26:08

this again. Really? I

26:11

don't know how women do it. I don't know how anyone

26:13

does it. It's yeah. Also, because I

26:15

don't have maternity leave, I went back to work about

26:17

a week after the baby was born.

26:19

Yeah, it's so difficult, isn't it? Stuff like

26:21

that. Yeah, yeah. Were you doing stand up

26:23

straight after the baby was born? I

26:26

think I did stand up maybe three weeks after

26:28

I do a lot of voiceover stuff. So I

26:30

went in and did a voiceover after the C-section

26:32

as well. My voiceover is very easy. You're just

26:34

sitting down talking. So it wasn't that bad. Don't

26:36

say that to the David Attenborough fans. They

26:39

love it. Because

26:42

it is really tough. It's

26:44

quite nice just to hear someone go, you know,

26:46

fuck this. How many do you have?

26:48

Do you just have one? No, I've got two. We've

26:50

got two. And genuinely, I think for

26:52

Lou, not to speak for her, but she's

26:54

mentioned it before in books and stuff. And

26:57

on here, they're like, actually, being pregnant and

26:59

giving birth part. That is more of

27:01

an issue, I think, for her and for us

27:03

than it is having an extra child in the

27:05

house kind of thing, because it takes such a

27:07

toll on you physically and mentally and hormones and

27:09

stuff like that. And it really affects Lou like

27:11

when she's, she doesn't even, some people love being

27:13

pregnant and sort of float around and it's like,

27:15

they don't feel like super charged. But Lou didn't

27:17

do anything for Lou, really. She did not have

27:19

a good time. The whole show that I'm touring right

27:21

now is just me saying how much I hate being pregnant, how

27:24

much I hated pregnancy. There are all

27:26

these crazy things that happen, things you don't

27:28

even know about. Like I ended up getting

27:30

carpal tunnel syndrome from pregnancy. So

27:33

it lasted for maybe like nearly two months.

27:35

Carpal tunnel syndrome. Is that in the

27:37

hands? It's the tendons in your hands, because

27:39

basically your hormones are kicked into overdrive and

27:41

you've released these hormones that help kind of

27:44

open your pelvis. They open the ligaments, I

27:46

guess, in your pelvis, but they're not targeted

27:48

just to that area. So it affects your

27:50

ligaments all over your body. So a lot

27:52

of women get issues with

27:55

trigger finger, carpal tunnel syndrome.

27:57

Then you have the kid and all your hair falls out. Honestly,

28:00

I'm just pulling out like clumps of air.

28:02

Yeah, I've been in a nuclear disaster. Do

28:06

you ever lose to get restless leg syndrome?

28:08

Yeah, which is a very funny name for

28:10

a really awful thing. Yeah, I know. It's

28:12

all right, your legs are moving a bit, whatever.

28:14

But she's like all night at night, she has

28:16

legs just constantly going. It's sort of like, and

28:19

it's like, it's must be so infuriating, just the

28:21

whole thing. And then you roll over and just

28:23

see a sort of fat snoring bloke with nothing,

28:26

nothing happening to her apart from going, oh, yeah, no

28:28

one's coming. Everyone's slapping on

28:31

the back. Congratulations. All my husband

28:33

has to do is just his favorite thing ever. And

28:35

then he had a kid and I had to do

28:37

nine months and recover from a seat session. Your

28:43

publicity for the tour is you pregnant.

28:46

So when was this taken? I

28:48

was only just gone five months pregnant, but he

28:50

was such a big baby, which is another reason

28:52

I had to see such. I mean, he's massive

28:54

now. He's nine months, but he wears two year

28:57

olds clothing. Is your husband big?

28:59

Yeah, honestly, he I think it's our bothers. So

29:01

my father's six, four and he's really big and

29:04

his dad, I think, is six, four and he's

29:06

really big. When I gave

29:08

birth, I just looked at that kid and I was

29:10

like, I gave birth to my father and all. He

29:12

looks exactly like my husband's dad. That

29:16

is horrible though. You don't want that. No one wants that, do they?

29:19

You always wanted to look like a bit like your family. Yeah, I'm

29:21

not sure if my husband's dad looks

29:23

like my baby or if he just looks

29:26

like babies. It's hard to know. So

29:31

let me take you through

29:33

the remaining tour dates. You've

29:35

got Dubai. Well, that's tonight.

29:37

Cork in Ireland, Southampton, Amsterdam.

29:39

That's exciting. Yeah.

29:41

And then London Stratford East early in Leisha.

29:44

And Paris. And Paris. So

29:46

will you take the baby with you then if you're both

29:48

there and if your husband's supporting you and you can't drop

29:50

them out of the way to go back

29:52

to New York to drop the baby off and then go to

29:54

Paris? No, for these dates, my husband's,

29:56

he's taking one for the team and staying home.

29:59

So I think... I think I'm doing them without,

30:01

I think I'm just doing local openers or no

30:03

openers. Because basically the show in Stratford, I'm filming,

30:05

that's why there's two that day. Oh, wicked. Yeah,

30:08

just get ready for that. Yeah. So that's the problem

30:10

though, isn't it? When you are going somewhere else in

30:12

Europe, it's like your husband's lost a day at work,

30:15

essentially, and they're looking after the kid. And then someone

30:17

else is coming in that could potentially do better to

30:19

do the support. So it's a high risk,

30:21

a stressful swap for him. We did take

30:24

the Baby on tour in the UK to

30:26

a couple of dates. And that was, I

30:28

don't recommend that because we brought like a

30:30

pop-up bed for him to sleep in. But

30:33

in one of the venues, I think it was

30:35

in Leeds, the lights in the dressing room were

30:37

on a sensor. So they wouldn't turn off if

30:39

anyone was moving. So we put the baby in

30:42

this and it's covered. It's got a little tent

30:44

to it, but it's not a blackout tent. And

30:47

so it was just in the interval, it was just

30:49

me and my husband, not speaking, sitting as still as

30:51

we could, just hoping that the lights could turn on

30:53

the baby to go to sleep. And

30:56

then also, if he's on during the opening, you don't

30:59

really, just before you go on, want to be double

31:01

checking if a baby's asleep and all right in a

31:03

dressing room. Yeah. And then as he rushes

31:05

off and you rush on, technically the baby just in a dressing

31:07

room on his own. So then he has to rush back and

31:09

stay. Well, luckily we had a little

31:11

interval in between, so that was okay. But yeah,

31:13

no, it would be mad trying to like feed

31:16

him and shush him. I can hear my husband

31:18

over the tan oil. Talking about your pawns,

31:20

actually. Oh my gosh. With

31:22

the Stratford one, that is a

31:24

lovely theatre, by the way. It's a beautiful theatre, isn't

31:26

it? Yeah. That was the first place

31:29

I died was the foyer of Stratford

31:31

Theatre Royal East. I have died there

31:33

as well on a Monday night. It

31:36

was so difficult, that gig. Why the foyer?

31:38

Because it was like an open mic gig

31:40

in the foyer. I don't know if

31:42

it's still going, but I've done

31:44

maybe three or four gigs. And

31:46

when three or four have gone well, you're like, oh, I can

31:48

do this. And then

31:51

the utter shock of that

31:53

first death is like awful.

31:55

That was a tough gig, though, to be fair. It

31:57

was. It was basically like cheap booze and I think

31:59

cheap food. to try and fill it up on

32:01

a Monday. And the company was free because we

32:03

weren't being paid. So they just were chatting and

32:05

talking when I was on. And you're in front

32:07

of a glass window as well. So people like

32:09

walking past on the street. Yeah. And they would

32:11

give you shit for the window. And like their

32:13

business clothes who just look like, you know what,

32:15

you just think, oh God, I've made the wrong

32:18

choice in life. Oh God, awful days.

32:20

But it is a lovely theater. We went

32:22

to the pantomime at Christmas. It was great.

32:24

In my experience, it's always better to do

32:26

the theater, not to the entrance foyer. Yeah.

32:29

Just to check you are filming it in the theater, aren't you?

32:31

Not the foyer. We were gonna do the foyer,

32:33

but now I'm starting to rethink things here. It'd

32:37

be quite exciting though, to film your special in

32:39

front of a glass window. I suppose it's just

32:41

like you're doing the one show, isn't it? It's

32:43

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UnitedHealthcare's short-term plans at uh1.org. Did

33:48

you go down the NCT route trying to

33:50

get like mom and dad friends with kids

33:52

the same age? You go into baby classes?

33:54

Target of the vibe, that's not your thing.

33:57

No, we didn't do any of that. We

33:59

just... I just watched a couple of YouTube videos. I spoke

34:01

to a few friends who were like, you

34:04

forget everything in the NCT class by the time

34:06

the baby arrives. So just look

34:08

it up on YouTube. I do regret not,

34:11

we don't really have any friends that we've

34:13

made from having a kid. We have some friends

34:15

who have kids already. But

34:17

also those people seem boring. I don't

34:19

know. A lot of them seemed, we'd hear them chatting when

34:21

we go for our hospital visits. And I'm like, I don't

34:23

want to be, do I want to be friends with this

34:25

person? Cause their kids are relatively the same age. I'm not

34:27

sure. Cause it's not enough really, is it to bond

34:29

to go, our children are a bit similar? It's almost

34:31

like going- Especially we had sex in the same bit

34:34

of London at the same time is basically what you're

34:36

saying. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah, it's just sort of me

34:38

going up to someone who's blonde going, I'm blonde, you're

34:40

blonde. Should we just see if we get on? Yeah.

34:43

It's not work. Yeah. It's difficult

34:45

because you've got this situation where, I

34:47

suppose you're going to get to the point where

34:49

your kids become friends and that's when you spend

34:52

time with parents. But when you've both got an

34:54

nine month old, they're not going

34:56

to do anything together, are they? They're

34:58

not going to get anything out of it themselves. In

35:01

a way it's better, isn't it? Because then you can really

35:03

pick the friends. Whereas how old are your kids? Three

35:06

and six, mine are. Eight and six. So they're sort

35:08

of properly making mates. So you just kind of have

35:10

to hope that they make friends with kids that have

35:12

cool parents, I guess. Yeah. You

35:15

have no control. And if you even try and have control, then you look

35:17

mental. But I do feel like some parents do get a

35:19

bit involved and like try and make kids

35:21

friends with- Oh, like set up play-doh. Yeah, like

35:24

good stuff. And we'll just sort of get there cause

35:26

you'd rather your kids be friends with people, but-

35:29

When I was a kid, if ever you had to hang out with children

35:32

of your parents' friends, they

35:35

were the weirdest kids. They were

35:37

fucking odd. Like the kids that

35:40

you didn't choose yourself, I never liked those

35:43

kids. If the parents just went round there

35:45

cause they got on with the parents, that's

35:47

normally what was it, so awkward. So fucking

35:49

awkward, awful. I remember my parents, my

35:51

mom was friends with this woman and

35:53

she would go to her house and I'd play with her daughters.

35:56

And they had just like this horrific

35:58

doll house that they'd made. that

36:00

was it was like something out of a Tim

36:02

Burton movie and then they'd handmade all the dolls

36:04

that went in it like it

36:06

was terrifying. We went there all

36:09

the time because my mom just liked their mom. Yeah

36:11

that's the thing isn't it and you haven't got choice. Which

36:13

bit of America did you grow up in? In

36:16

Staten Island in New York which is kind of

36:18

like the Essex of New York. Is

36:20

it? Yeah so you know that show The Jersey Shore? Yes

36:23

yes. So it's you know fake

36:25

tans and big hair and long and

36:28

everybody talks like this that's... Ah

36:30

right. A lot of those people were from Staten Island

36:32

that were on that show. So what are

36:34

the... compare the other bits

36:36

of New York because I always wonder

36:38

this when I'm going to cities. Give me

36:40

the equivalence of the other bits of New York.

36:42

So Staten Island's Essex. Yeah I

36:45

guess sort of the Upper West

36:47

Side would be like Chelsea maybe.

36:49

Right. Or West London. Then a lot

36:52

of Brooklyn has now become very yummy mummy so

36:54

maybe that's kind of Walthamstow kind of thing.

36:56

Right yeah. I'm not sure. I've

36:58

actually never been to Queens. I don't know what's going

37:01

on there. Where is Queen? I can't

37:03

even picture where Queen's is. That's a North East isn't it? It's

37:05

quite far North East. Is it attached to Brooklyn? I

37:09

don't know. No Jersey's southwest isn't it?

37:11

Jersey's just to the never

37:13

eat sour to the west. To the west yeah.

37:15

It's also Jersey's very long so it's... Oh it

37:17

always goes up doesn't it yeah because it goes

37:20

up to where the stadium is. The Met Life.

37:22

Is that in Jersey? I think so. I don't

37:24

know. What's the equivalent of Jersey with... Jersey

37:26

it can be a little bit like Staten

37:28

Island too. So Jersey has many different parts.

37:30

They also have like you know those bros

37:32

that wear like Oakley sunglasses but on the

37:34

back of their head. Oh yeah. You know

37:37

what I mean? They're like tech bros. I

37:39

always think of them. Yeah. They're wearing beach

37:42

attire everywhere. And they live in Jersey as

37:44

well. They live in Jersey yeah. Queens is the other

37:46

side so it's like I don't know

37:48

anything about Willsden or Kilburn because I live in

37:50

southeast London. Yeah. So it's sort of like I've

37:52

never been there. Where do you live in London

37:54

Jenny? Walthamstow. Oh there we go.

37:56

Oh it makes sense. Yeah makes sense. We thought

37:58

we were so original when we moved... We had a

38:00

little fluffy dog and now we have a baby and

38:03

we just look around. Everybody's got these poodle cross dogs

38:05

and a baby. We had the

38:07

same buggy as everybody else. The slow train

38:09

to Hertfordshire, basically. We started

38:11

thinking like, we had so much more space. We just

38:13

moved a little further out of. Yeah,

38:16

exactly. Everyone slowly creeps further out.

38:18

Yeah. You've been Hertfordshire having

38:20

a shit takeaway within five years, I guarantee it.

38:23

Well, yeah, yeah, I see that in my future.

38:25

And what's what does it feel like? Do you

38:27

see a child as British? It's

38:29

so weird. It's so weird because

38:31

I'm American and Andrew's Irish. And

38:35

I'll be honest with you, my only reference

38:37

point for British kids is just

38:40

American horror movies. There's

38:43

always just a creepy little

38:45

English kid just creeping around

38:47

like, hello, mommy. Like, I don't

38:50

want that. Because

38:53

he will have an accent. I know, I know. And

38:56

then obviously, if your husband's Irish, was it you

38:58

born in Ireland as well? Yeah, Dublin.

39:00

Yeah. Which, come on, what a cute accent.

39:02

Great accent. What a cute accent that is.

39:04

Would you consider moving back to one

39:07

of the two? Just so that I

39:09

enjoy my son's voice more? Yes. Yeah,

39:11

it's worth it, isn't it? Yeah. We

39:14

might move maybe to Ireland. It's

39:17

very hard when you have kids when

39:19

you don't have any family around. So,

39:21

yeah, I don't know. The state scares

39:23

me because there's just guns

39:25

everywhere now, more than even when

39:27

I was living there. Yeah.

39:30

I mean, so many people

39:32

in my family and not even conservative

39:34

members of my family, liberals, just they

39:36

all have guns now. So, really? Yeah,

39:39

yeah. And where would you keep a gun?

39:42

My brother has it. Well, first off,

39:45

I have two brothers. One is like

39:48

super liberal and he has his gun

39:50

up in a fingerprint

39:53

safe. So, his fingerprint unlocks the

39:55

safe above the door to the

39:57

entranceway of his bedroom. Right. in

40:00

case someone breaks in. Yeah. My

40:03

dad has just a

40:05

bunch of loose handguns in a plastic

40:07

bag on the floor

40:10

of his closet. And the only way

40:12

I know that is because he accidentally

40:14

drilled. He was hanging a shelf and

40:16

accidentally drilled into the water pipe. And

40:19

so poor Andrew was in there trying to fix it.

40:21

But this was insane. My dad didn't

40:23

turn the water off. So Andrew was trying to

40:25

fix it while the water was just spraying in

40:27

the face. And he was standing there

40:30

and he's trying to be polite, you know, because it's

40:32

his father-in-law. And he's like, I'm pretty sure we can

40:34

just turn the water off. I was like, no, no,

40:36

I tried everything. He just got to do it this

40:38

way. Anyway, the only way I

40:40

found out about the guns is because I was mopping

40:42

up the water about two hours later and just found

40:44

them. Oh, my God. Now. And then my my other

40:46

brother is a doomsday prepper.

40:48

And he keeps his guns in an

40:51

underground bunker that he built with some

40:53

friends he met on the Internet in

40:55

Arizona. Wow. Wow. That is

40:57

amazing. That is three really

41:00

different approaches to gun control. So

41:02

if you were in the States, would you have a gun? No,

41:05

no. I've shot a gun once. My

41:07

dad took me to a gun range. I shot a

41:09

gun on Easter Sunday. Grab the old bag

41:12

for life out for the closet.

41:14

Yeah. Classic

41:16

bag full of guns. So

41:19

basically, if someone breaks into dad's, he runs to

41:21

the closet, gets a gun out of the bag,

41:23

right? Your other brother's got to climb up and

41:25

get his thumb out. But probably half

41:27

asleep naked with a lob on. That's why I'm

41:29

in the middle of the night. So you get

41:31

the thumb out. You get the image. Now

41:33

you're still there naked on the gun trying to

41:36

fender out. And your other brother's not going down

41:38

in the basement. No, it's not the

41:40

basement. He lives in Las Vegas. He's got to drive

41:42

to Arizona. He's got to drive to Arizona to

41:44

access the bunker. His is

41:46

for the end of the world. That's for the

41:48

end of days. And what does he think is going to

41:50

lead to the end of days? So all

41:52

these doomsday preppers have all different ideas

41:55

of what it is that it's going to be.

41:57

And his is that the power grid goes down.

41:59

Right. so that we'd suddenly lose power,

42:02

internet, running water. Yeah, but that used

42:04

to happen all the time. And as a kid, you

42:06

just light a few candles for 45 minutes and you're fine.

42:08

Right, until it goes back up. But what if

42:10

someone were to attack that, let's

42:12

say they blow it up beyond

42:15

repair, like nuke it, the power

42:17

would be down for months. I

42:19

mean, you saw with COVID how quickly the supermarkets

42:22

were empty. When

42:24

that happens, people panic. And so the reason he

42:26

has all the guns is because

42:28

he said, it's not your enemy. You

42:30

should be scared of it's your neighbor.

42:33

Because when people are hungry, they become desperate. Great

42:36

one. On what they do, they prepare. Oh my God.

42:38

But he has got food and water there as well,

42:40

not just guns. You've never seen

42:42

someone more vindicated than when COVID happened and

42:44

people couldn't buy stuff. And my brother just

42:46

opened up his spare room and it was

42:48

full of like bags of legumes and rice

42:50

and pasta. And

42:53

is he a laugh about it? It

42:57

sounds like you double checking something that's on

42:59

a stag, though. Yeah, he sounds cool. But

43:01

he can be really intense about it in some

43:03

ways. I mean, he came and

43:06

visited and we live right behind a fireworks

43:08

store. And so they set fireworks off every

43:10

weekend. And when that happened, he was like,

43:12

that's a Smith and Wesson 22 gauge. And

43:15

my husband was like, I'm pretty sure it's just fireworks.

43:17

And he's like, you think I don't know what a

43:19

gun sounds like? Like, OK, all right, it's a gun.

43:24

But also, I think he thinks of it a little

43:26

bit like the Boy Scouts. He's learning all these skills.

43:28

He knows how to make a CD radio out of,

43:30

I don't know, like the underwire of a bra or

43:32

something. And there's community and

43:34

all this stuff. And

43:36

so he thinks, you know, if it doesn't happen,

43:38

at least he's learned new skills and met people.

43:41

So has he got kids in the family? No, no, no, no. Yeah,

43:44

I think I'll take my chances than going in

43:46

an underground bunker with him. I'd

43:48

rather be out and about with the neighbors. Do you

43:50

want to hear something crazy? So to be in this group,

43:53

you have to have skills that would help

43:55

in the apocalypse. So my brother's a nurse

43:57

so he can be in the group. But his wife. is

44:00

she was a Vegas dancer

44:03

slash real estate agent. So they

44:05

were like, she doesn't have any

44:07

skills. So she trained and became

44:09

a gun instructor. So now her

44:11

skill is that she can teach

44:13

people how to shoot. Wow. I

44:15

think dancing is a skill. Yeah. Because

44:18

obviously, right, you're in the bunker, you've got your guns,

44:20

you've got your water, you've got a nurse, Saturday night

44:22

comes round, bit strictly, it's not on the telly, there

44:24

is no telly. Thought you know

44:26

it, she's back in the game. She's

44:28

out, feathers out. Exactly. And

44:31

a little cutie. So you wouldn't have the skills, Janine,

44:33

or would you, have you got, how good do you

44:35

have to be? Can you go like, I

44:38

can do a bit of DIY, or does it

44:40

have to be I am properly certificated

44:42

up on this? I think

44:44

it needs to be like healthcare survival

44:47

skills. I personally think comedians would do

44:49

well in the apocalypse. I think it's

44:51

so bleak, you'd need something to laugh

44:53

about. Yeah. Comedy always

44:56

booms, doesn't it? When society's in a bad

44:58

way. Yeah, the worst of times.

45:00

The worst of times. Why must be quite a big bunk then, if

45:02

there's quite a few of them doing it, it's a little gang. Yeah,

45:04

they bought a farm. So it's a full

45:06

working farm, yeah. So if you turn

45:08

up, okay, say this has happened, right? The power's gone

45:10

down, it's not really kicked off yet. He's there with

45:13

his wife and all these other crew. You

45:15

and your husband and the baby arrive.

45:17

Two comics. They're not letting you in,

45:19

are they? Listen, there's this

45:22

fable, I think it's an ASAP fable, that's

45:24

very big in the Doomsday Pepper community. I

45:27

think it's the two mice. So one

45:29

mouse is really productive in the spring

45:31

and gathers all the nuts and makes

45:34

his home really warm. And the other

45:36

mouse just lays by the river, relaxing.

45:38

And in the winter, the lazy mouse comes

45:40

and tries to take the things from the

45:43

mouse that had been really productive. And the

45:45

moral of the story is, unless you're ready,

45:47

you're dead, so. Wow.

45:49

And does the winter mouse shoot the summer mouse

45:51

to keep him out of his nut store? Not

45:54

if he's got a super hot wife on guard. That's

45:58

been inspecting life. God,

46:00

that is mad. I do think that is a,

46:02

if all the power goes and the internet goes

46:04

and stuff like that, I had no internet for

46:07

two days, I couldn't exist in the world. So

46:09

if that happened for like months. Yeah, I just

46:11

can't be bothered. I just, life's

46:13

difficult enough day to day. I don't want

46:15

to survive the apocalypse. I just, jam sometimes

46:17

you just got to accept what's happening. And

46:19

if it's the end of the world, it's the end of the world.

46:22

Yeah, exactly. If I have to switch on and

46:24

off my internet router, I'm like, ugh, my

46:26

day's ruined. You know, I don't know where it is. I don't

46:28

know how to do it. I'm

46:30

not living in that world though. No, it's not for

46:33

me. If your brother

46:36

said, I want to take my nephew when

46:38

he's 12 and

46:40

teach him these skills in the

46:42

wild, cause he'll need them. No guns.

46:45

No guns. No guns. He can do

46:47

all the camping stuff and all the fire

46:49

starting and all that, but the gun thing.

46:52

Yeah, no. And do you think, I

46:54

mean, I know that your kids only nine months,

46:56

so you probably haven't come across many other parents

46:58

and stuff, but do you think it'll be a quite

47:01

different upbringing in the UK to,

47:03

I mean, New York's not a

47:05

million miles culturally from the UK

47:07

and London is it? I suppose.

47:10

I'd like him to have a similar childhood to what I had.

47:13

You know, I grew up in the most Southern part

47:15

of Staten Island. So it was very far away from

47:18

Manhattan. So there was lived on an Island, so at

47:20

the very tip of Staten Island, there

47:22

were no cars down there. Really. Nobody

47:25

was driving anywhere. We rode our bikes all

47:27

day and went into the woods and, you

47:29

know, I'd like miles to have a childhood

47:31

like that with maybe a little bit more

47:33

culture. Isla Sheppi move there.

47:36

I wondered what Rob was looking at. He was

47:38

Googling islands. No, I'm just having a look

47:40

at Staten Island and how far down it is, but it's

47:42

really far, isn't it, from Manhattan? Yeah, it's like

47:44

two hours. There's only one train

47:46

on Staten Island and there's no subway system.

47:49

It's sort of almost halfway to Philadelphia,

47:51

really. Like, not that far, but don't

47:53

want to drag you down. If

47:55

you get the boat to Staten Island, that's what

47:57

people tourists do to look at the Statue of

47:59

Liberty. isn't it? Right? Yeah,

48:01

yeah, but that's what you do. You take the train

48:04

up to the north of Staten Island, the north shore,

48:06

and then you get the ferry over and the ferry's

48:08

free. Yes it is. And the reason it's free is

48:10

because if it wasn't, no one would go to Staten

48:12

Island. And would you go on

48:16

nights out in Manhattan when you're a

48:18

teenager? No, not when I was a teenager.

48:20

My parents were like crazy strict. And also you couldn't

48:22

drink until you're 21 in America, can you

48:25

really? Yeah, yeah. I mean, everyone does. It's

48:27

so weird. Everyone does. As soon as you

48:29

go to college, when you're 18, everybody drinks.

48:32

No, mostly Manhattan was

48:34

when you come home for Thanksgiving.

48:37

The night before Thanksgiving is a really big party

48:39

night. So kids who'd all come home from college

48:41

would go out in Manhattan and then on the

48:43

ferry home. It was just like there's a bar

48:45

on the ferry. So it's like you're on this

48:47

little 30 minute yacht

48:49

ride. Oh, that must have been incredible. Yeah, that

48:51

was super fun. Not that I'm missing drinking, but

48:54

that must have been incredible. Just

48:57

getting pissed on a ferry. That's all it took

48:59

to take a ticket. But it's a really scenic

49:01

ferry. Like you get a view of lower Manhattan.

49:03

It goes past the Statue of Liberty. It's actually

49:05

a really nice ride. Especially if you're coming home

49:08

for Thanksgiving. It's like everyone loves that, you know,

49:10

driving home for Christmas or Thanksgiving. It's sort of

49:12

like a wholesome feeling. If you're on that ferry

49:14

of all the people you went to school with

49:16

and grew up with, getting down to Staten Island,

49:18

must be great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, not

49:20

the people I went to school with, but yeah. Which I

49:22

never really got with people that live in London

49:24

and go back to like a village in Yorkshire

49:26

for Christmas. It's all like beautiful. And I just

49:28

get the same commuter train to Zomba Freer London,

49:30

shuffling off, got the buses to the Sandy house

49:32

after 40 minutes. I've

49:35

got to ask about something in your career. You

49:38

were nominated for the best voice performance

49:40

by Inside Gamer magazine in 2021. Oh

49:42

yeah, yeah. What does that mean? Are

49:47

you a big gamer? No, not at all. I just

49:49

saw it on your website. I was like, what is that? What

49:53

did you do? You won so many things

49:55

in 2019. In 2019. It was a good

49:57

year. It must have been a a

50:00

nightmare for you. Like, yeah, basically the new

50:02

act that came through on the BBC New

50:04

Comedy Award, Amuse Moose 99 Club,

50:07

Laughing Horse New Act of the Year. That's

50:09

basically like doing the treble, the Amuse Moose,

50:12

the BBC and the Laughing Horse. And

50:14

then Covid Strikes and you can't kind of

50:17

be a comedian off the back of

50:19

that. You sound like my therapist. Yeah. How

50:23

did that make you feel? I

50:26

remember like when people won all those awards, that's

50:29

kind of when you get all the paid gigs

50:31

and all that kind of stuff. That

50:33

wasn't even the question. The question was about best

50:35

voice performance at Inside Gamer magazine. Is that a

50:37

fair description of how that happened then? Did Covid

50:40

just strike at the wrong time? Yeah,

50:42

yeah. I think the first competition that I won

50:44

in 2019, because I was just doing

50:47

open mics, I was basically doing open mics until that

50:50

first Edinburgh in 2019 when I got

50:52

the newcomer nomination. But

50:54

the first time that I won one of

50:56

those awards, I got an email the next day and someone was

50:58

like, do you want to come and do our gig for 75

51:01

quid? And I was like, I can make 75

51:03

quid do you stand up comedy? You know, it

51:05

was the first time because if people don't know,

51:07

you have to, when you're doing open mics, you

51:09

have to not only do you not get paid,

51:11

but you have to drag a friend along who's

51:13

going to buy drinks at the bar and they

51:16

have to sit there for three

51:18

hours and watch people try and

51:20

do comedy that can't do comedy.

51:23

So that was amazing. I thought I'd made it.

51:25

And yeah, then less

51:27

than a year after that Edinburgh, Covid happened and

51:30

that was the end of that. God.

51:32

Then I started doing Zoom gigs, which were so

51:34

fun. Did you like them? No.

51:37

They were horrible things. Where

51:42

now I go and do a circuit gig for

51:44

no money to try out a new idea, like,

51:46

or an open gig to and like, that's a

51:48

fun afternoon evening for me. Go out, try a

51:50

few things, come back, don't get paid. However, if

51:52

they said, do you want to go on Zoom?

51:54

Nope. No, that's not fun. Unless there's money. I'm

51:57

not. Just criticize someone's exercise bike in the back

51:59

of their That's how I panic and

52:01

just kind of take the piss

52:03

out of someone's sitting room. Yeah, exactly. Watching

52:05

someone making a risotto in their kitchen while

52:07

you're in comedy. Right, which we did a

52:10

final question. Oh yeah, we always finish on

52:12

the final question, which is the same question,

52:14

which is, is there one thing about your

52:17

husband as a parent that

52:19

you're just in awe of, you're so

52:21

impressed with, that something parent-wise you think,

52:23

I just couldn't do that. And

52:26

on the other side of the coin, is there

52:28

something he does that you haven't brought up with

52:30

him, but were he to listen to this, it's

52:32

a way to communicate to him that that really

52:34

does your head in about his parenting. Well,

52:37

we do couples therapy. So if there was something

52:39

I hadn't brought up to him, I

52:41

couldn't think of it. How do we do couples therapy

52:43

for? It's great. I love it. Do you do it all the

52:45

time or is it just like? Once a week. We've taken a

52:47

break now because we were touring so much. Well,

52:50

from therapy or from each other? Therapy.

52:52

Okay. And actually, I think our therapist

52:54

misses us, which is really nice. Oh.

52:56

It's just sweet. Yeah. Yeah,

52:58

we've been going since the pandemic. Right. Because

53:00

no matter how much you love someone, you

53:02

shouldn't spend 24 hours a

53:05

day together. That was rough. So who

53:07

brings up the couples therapy? Is it a

53:09

joint decision or is it one that goes, I

53:11

think we would benefit from this. I

53:14

brought it up, which doesn't, of course,

53:16

doesn't go well. And then we went

53:18

and saw this therapist in person who's

53:20

not our therapist now. And I loved

53:22

her. But all she did was just

53:24

take my side with everything. So

53:30

obviously, he felt very cornered every time we went

53:32

in there. And after a while, we're like, oh, yeah,

53:34

we are just paying a stranger 70 quid to listen

53:37

to us argue for an hour. I think I

53:39

want to be a therapist. So now we see this

53:41

new therapist on Zoom. We've only had Zoom sessions with

53:43

her, which is weird. And yeah,

53:45

I imagine that we'll meet her in person

53:47

one day. And the woman who answers the

53:49

door will be like, Linda, Linda's

53:52

been dead for 30 years. And we'll be

53:54

like, ah, yeah, it's great. And she's

53:57

really good at helping

53:59

us. say things to each

54:01

other, because obviously, you know, in a relationship,

54:03

resentment can really build. And especially with parenting,

54:06

I found that I always think

54:08

I'm doing more work than he is, and

54:10

he always thinks he's doing more work than I am. Yeah,

54:12

yeah. And so it's really good to have

54:15

it be contained. So once

54:17

a week, for an hour, we're just gonna

54:19

get stuff off our chest, figure out, oh,

54:21

what was it that was actually, you

54:24

were actually trying to say when you said that thing that

54:26

I took as an insult, you know? And

54:28

so it's really nice. I think people think couples

54:30

therapy is only for when you're having like big

54:32

problems, but it's very good for us just as

54:34

kind of maintenance. Yeah, it's sort of a bit of a

54:36

stigma attached to it, isn't it? But I think

54:38

if it's helped, it's only about anything, if something,

54:40

you know, makes it smoother and better. Yeah. So

54:43

was there something that you brought up that would

54:45

answer this question normally if you weren't having the

54:47

therapy? Okay, well, I haven't brought this up, but I

54:50

think it's hard for me to bring it up

54:52

because I don't really cook. So Andrew does the

54:55

lion's share of cooking. I try and cook, and

54:57

I don't know if you can see, I've

55:00

grated my thumb off. I tried to grate cheese

55:02

the other day and just completely skinned myself. I'm

55:04

really bad at it. But

55:07

when Andrew cooks, he will

55:09

just leave the flames on

55:12

hours after the meal has finished. Or

55:14

he leaves the oven on. And I'm like,

55:16

do we need the hob on right now?

55:18

Or can I turn that off? Also,

55:20

that's a passive aggressive way to say it because

55:23

you don't need the hob on right now. If

55:25

there's not something on above it, no one's going.

55:27

Are you feeling particularly chilly? Yeah.

55:30

Do you think we weren't having enough of gas and thought let's

55:32

try a couple more quid on it? There's

55:35

no way to ask. So that sound

55:37

impassive aggressive? Or sounding ungrateful that he

55:40

cooked dinner. Yeah, I suppose you could just

55:42

turn it off silently. You could just, do you need

55:44

to bring it up that you're turning it off? You

55:47

know, I don't need to bring it up, but I'm

55:49

like, don't leave it on. What if I'm not here?

55:51

I can't just be in charge of turning the oven

55:53

off. I think someone would

55:55

make a lot of money if they invented, you know the

55:57

way that the refrigerator beeps if you keep the door open?

56:00

If somebody invented a sensor that could

56:02

sense that there was no pot on top

56:04

of the open plate. Oh yeah, that's a

56:06

good idea that. Can I just say

56:08

copyrighted? Yeah, yeah. That's how it's

56:10

recorded. That's absolutely solid as a rock

56:13

that. Yeah. Enjoy your fortune. Yeah,

56:15

this is June the 12th, 2024. That's

56:19

when that idea has been tabled. And

56:22

can I say a nice thing? Yeah, of course. Yeah,

56:24

of course. He's endlessly patient. So

56:27

I can be so, let's

56:29

go. We got to

56:31

get this done. We got to get that. We got

56:33

to go. And he's just very calm and very patient

56:35

with our son and very loving.

56:37

And I feel like I'm in a

56:40

constant mode of we only

56:42

have one hour. I got to get to work. I got

56:44

to do this. And basically what I'm

56:46

saying is I think he's an amazing mom and I

56:48

think I'm an okay dad. That

56:53

is the perfect ending. Thank

56:56

you so much. And good luck

56:58

with your tour. Thanks, guys. We've

57:00

got Dublin, Paris, Cork, Southampton, Amsterdam,

57:02

but then the big ones for

57:04

recording. Yes. Stratford East

57:06

Theatre Royal in London. Early show.

57:09

What time is the early show? 5pm is the early

57:11

show and it's about an hour and 20 minutes.

57:13

So if you're coming from just outside of London,

57:15

you'll be able to get the train home. Lovely.

57:18

Be embedded a reasonable hour. Thank you very much, Janine.

57:21

Thanks, guys. Thanks so much.

57:23

Janine Haroni. Haroni, Haroni, Haroni.

57:27

It's good when you say rhymes with because

57:29

it means you remember it forever. Yeah.

57:31

Well, then I said Jareen rather than Janine.

57:33

Yeah. Yeah. But

57:36

there we go. We'll be keeping that in. Fuck. Fuck.

57:39

Janine Haroni, Haroni, not Baloni. Yeah. That

57:41

was a lot of doomsday stuff and guns. I liked it. I

57:44

know, but it's fucking fascinating stuff like that. I

57:46

felt a bit like, am I

57:48

talking too much about my brother being a doomsday

57:51

guy? But really, things

57:53

like that are fascinating. Especially me and you,

57:56

I'm so obsessed with New York and America

57:58

from films and that. We're

58:00

just like, what's Brooklyn like? I'm a

58:02

pathetic little English nerd. And she's like,

58:04

ah, it's like, okay. It's like, I

58:06

don't know, I've never been. Talk to

58:08

me about the ferry that goes past

58:10

the Statue of Liberty and you can

58:12

have a drink on it. Oh, can

58:14

you imagine it going two pints of

58:16

millilite, please. And they give you a

58:18

fucking pint of lager and you look

58:20

at the Statue of Liberty and you

58:22

go, this is living. Exactly. Right. I'll

58:24

see you on Tuesday, Josh, but I'm

58:26

gonna make sure you go and see

58:28

Janine Haroonie in Stratford and on YouTube

58:30

in a few weeks and buy a new

58:33

hub. All right. Bye. Bye.