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1:00

Thank you for tuning

1:02

into Romancing the Pod.

1:05

You had us at Hello. I'm

1:30

Paige Wesley. Hello. I'm Mikey

1:32

Randolph. Jello. I'm Todd. And

1:34

this week Paige made

1:36

us watch. No, Mikey did

1:38

this. Mikey was Mikey. This is Michael's

1:41

fault. I'm guilty of tic toes.

1:43

Well, the movie that Mikey made us

1:45

watch was... After.

1:48

After. So Mikey, why? I'll

1:50

tell you why. I had a few reasons.

1:52

One, I had no clue what this is about.

1:55

Two, it is a something that's going on in

1:57

pop culture that I have no clue what's going

1:59

on. I have the same

2:01

blind spot. You have said this so many

2:03

times I've never once heard

2:05

about this until you brought it up.

2:08

It's got six full-ass movies

2:10

on Netflix That's not my

2:12

theatrical releases another a third

2:14

point. They jump around in ratings. This

2:16

one's PG-13 I think the next

2:18

three are hard are all of them are hard

2:21

are after the real which honestly more interested good

2:23

for them I wanted us to

2:25

adopt a new series That's really dumb and I

2:27

think I think we got there and I don't

2:29

know how you feel about it. It is done,

2:32

bro We got there

2:34

for sure, but I'm very happy

2:36

with what happened today after no

2:38

pun intended I just got done watching

2:41

this film. I use

2:43

that word not lightly, but definitely in a

2:45

way that it's not used

2:47

the word After not lightly. What

2:49

does that even mean the word film? Oh,

2:51

it's I don't think it's not a film

2:53

But I just don't think the word film

2:55

describes it as well as I would like,

2:57

you know Yeah, I mean, yeah,

2:59

it is technically a movie in that

3:02

it is pictures that move Yeah,

3:04

and then they were like, let's just wrap it up

3:06

and it ends right there. I'm like, thank God There's

3:08

five more if I wanted to know what happened They

3:13

based it on I will spoil some

3:15

fun facts It's a fan fiction that

3:17

is kind of One Direction fan fiction

3:20

the band One Direction from back in

3:22

the day that checks out I love all

3:24

that they they name they named characters

3:26

after them Okay, so hard and

3:28

is actually named after I believe

3:31

Harry Styles. Let me fact-check that

3:33

I mean that would make sense

3:35

based on their first letters page.

3:37

Yes, Harry Styles Zed is

3:40

Zane Landon is Liam Nate

3:43

is Nile and Logan is

3:45

Lewis I love how straight-up

3:48

lazy that shit is like that. I love that

3:50

too Well, I need to let you both know

3:52

that my throat is a little

3:54

still sore from coven So I'm going to gargle

3:56

bourbon throughout the podcast. I will edit it out

3:59

at night. It's gonna be one of those. Oh,

4:01

he is doing it though.

4:03

That's gross. I'm all

4:05

about holistic medicine. Oh, are

4:08

you? It's organic. Paige,

4:11

I don't know if you heard this, Mikey's

4:13

dating again, so he's like broadening his horizons

4:15

or whatever. I did hear that Mikey said,

4:18

I'm dating again because it turns out you

4:20

have to date to be in

4:22

a relationship. He literally said that

4:24

exactly. And I was like, yeah man, you do

4:26

have to go outside to go to the store.

4:28

It's so wild to me. I've gone

4:31

on three first dates in nine days.

4:33

What? Okay, that's not crazy. It's not

4:35

crazy. No, I don't think it's crazy

4:37

either. They're first dates. Like it's, I

4:40

mean, it sounds like none of those worked out. I

4:42

feel like I got laid off or something because it

4:44

feels like every two days I'm going to an interview

4:46

or something. And it's like, it's

4:48

hard. I mean, being broken

4:50

up with is a lot like being

4:53

fired from your relationship. It's been

4:55

a while since that. I will

4:57

say that awkward conversations have been

4:59

my purview this week. So I'm

5:01

really excited to talk about this

5:03

because like first dates, people are

5:05

having wildly over emotional reactions to

5:07

simple stimuli. Okay, guys. I have thoughts about

5:09

this when we get to me, but go ahead, Todd. Okay. Yeah.

5:11

Okay. I'll just say it. I love this

5:13

movie. Todd! In a sense that it is

5:15

like, no, Paige, let me finish. Let me

5:17

finish. Let me finish. How do you love

5:19

it? Here's how I love it. Watching it

5:22

the whole time, I was like, I

5:24

can't wait to talk about all of

5:26

this. That's amazing. What is that? It

5:31

was like that sort of energy the

5:33

whole time, literally on the edge of

5:35

my seat the whole time. I loved

5:38

it. It's insane. It's also incredibly brave,

5:40

which I appreciate because I

5:42

can't page. I see your face.

5:44

I can't think of one movie

5:47

TV show book. What a poem

5:49

Beowulf. I can't think of any of those

5:51

things where two villains straight up

5:53

fall in love and it's just two

5:56

villains love story. Like that's the whole

5:58

movie. And that is what we have

6:00

in this. I'm not gonna argue with you on

6:02

that. That's so brave. I can't even call

6:05

of villains because the stakes are so

6:07

low that they wouldn't... Oh yes, that

6:09

they wouldn't even be actual... Like this

6:11

is not even misdemeanor villain territory to

6:13

me. No, listen, but okay, I'll say

6:15

this though. This movie is for a

6:17

very specific type of person and it

6:19

is the person I was when I

6:21

was 16 and 17, like right

6:23

around that... Like

6:26

I had enough privilege to realize I was

6:28

going to college and like I'm looking forward

6:30

to that but like had no idea what

6:32

the real world was like, you know, like

6:34

that kind of privilege box. Like it's

6:36

for those people and I would have like

6:38

loved this movie when I was like 17

6:41

or I just

6:43

know that about myself. I feel like this

6:45

movie was written by... It feels... I

6:47

know it was not because I have seen the

6:49

fun facts, but it feels like in my opinion

6:52

that it was written by a

6:54

teenager about what they think college

6:56

will be like. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

6:58

That's what I mean. Yeah, because...

7:01

With the morality of a teenager,

7:03

which I find... But also specifically

7:05

a very, very sheltered religious teenager.

7:07

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean the

7:09

whole movie, they're trying to like make her look

7:11

innocent, but like that just means she looks like

7:13

a Mormon the whole time. She looks like... I

7:16

wrote in my notes, she looks like a Mormon preschool teacher

7:18

because that's what this like 18 year

7:20

old is dressing as. But it's also...

7:23

The stakes and the things that she

7:25

finds to be like life or death

7:28

levels of important are things that only

7:30

a teenager would find life... Like if

7:32

this was two years later and she

7:34

was like 21 or two, she'd be

7:37

like, oh, I don't even care about

7:39

that. I guess we're gonna talk it

7:41

out. Like it's so crazy. Well

7:43

Paige, do I have good news for

7:46

you? I would assume in these

7:48

six movies we go ahead at least a couple

7:50

of years to where she's 21. I

7:52

hope so. Well Anne, the other

7:54

thing too. I was absolutely... Not

7:57

this. Definitely not this.

8:00

sheltered and crazy, but like there

8:03

are elements of very very young Paige that I

8:05

see here And it's wild looking back as an

8:07

adult and being like yeah Oh, I would not

8:09

even care about that right now like I have

8:11

so many other things on my plate If

8:14

you didn't think I saw a lot of myself at

8:16

Holden at this age like oh I

8:18

guess I could just show up and be the only

8:21

guy in a leather jacket and think that's gonna get

8:23

me late like that Was definitely a thought I had

8:25

in my head in college like I was

8:27

an idiot Yeah, except you also you also had

8:29

crazy long hair and a goatee and that was

8:31

your problem, but that was unfortunately a little

8:33

bit later Oh, no, I'm like my freshman

8:36

here. Okay. I have a question for the

8:38

group Yes, happy to answer is the after

8:40

me like after they had sex that

8:42

that's such a good question I think this

8:44

one's after they met yes I think it's

8:47

after they met but at a certain point

8:49

in this movie. I was once a young

8:51

person I have been to college page is

8:53

it true. It's true And

8:56

and I was a later bloomer for sure, but

8:58

I'm watching this I'm like you mean to tell

9:00

me they've been living together for three months. They

9:03

haven't boned yet. I call

9:05

shenanigans Like they're they're just lounging

9:07

around in various states of undress

9:09

ain't nobody bang. Yes I've

9:12

1000% said to Natalie while you're watching this I

9:16

was like they've had sex by now right like

9:18

this is like months after they moved in and

9:20

she's like I don't think they have cuz they

9:22

would have made that a thing What do you

9:24

do obviously? But yeah, like it is like a

9:26

Mormon wrote this movie and then tried to make

9:28

it risque It just seems like a tea I

9:30

think Paige is right like if you were an

9:32

adult listening to this girl's story Which is like

9:34

I can't believe it and then and you'd be

9:36

like who cares and then and then they would

9:38

say another dramatic point You'd be like that's not

9:41

really important. Yeah, but and here's how

9:43

I know to like Here's the other thing that

9:45

I'm like red flag teenager All

9:48

they do is kiss all they ever do

9:50

is kiss Because if this was

9:52

written by someone with any sort of

9:54

sexual experience outside of just

9:57

what they imagine happens based

9:59

on what they've done. This

12:00

is gonna be their big hurdle or oh,

12:02

it's his dad or in his family and

12:04

then the brother or her mom or whatever

12:06

No, it's even dumber than

12:09

anything I could have imagined and

12:11

I'm like why even set it up like

12:13

the whole reveal where she goes You

12:15

know Raphael and Ninja Turtles one is

12:18

so low stakes to me What

12:21

can you explain that for anyone who's not

12:23

38? Yeah teenage mutant Ninja

12:25

Turtles one? Oh, yeah, Todd. Allow me

12:28

to help you Yeah, he's cool, but rude.

12:30

You're welcome No, you remember he gets mad at

12:32

April and the other turtles and he gets really

12:34

hurt and then he leaves in the rain No,

12:36

I don't remember this Mikey He

12:39

runs off in the rain and gets beaten up

12:41

by the Foot Clan and shredder later on and barely

12:43

lives But it's because he was feeling a lot of

12:45

feelings and he goes out to fight people by himself

12:48

It breaks up all of his social relationships.

12:50

That's pulling a Raphael You know what I'm

12:52

saying? All I have to say to that

12:55

Mikey is all the good ones end in

12:57

Oh, all right. No, I Was

13:01

a Donatello guy, I'm gonna say it you would

13:03

be on a tell Oh, yeah, man He was

13:06

a smart one. Can't believe you guys don't remember

13:08

him his angsty like run away in the

13:10

rain scene I did remember it.

13:12

I was assuming most of the

13:14

listeners didn't that's on this I

13:19

Then explain how that it all relates

13:21

to this movie So

13:24

angsty is so funny. It's

13:27

just so funny I was more

13:29

frustrated by her in that moment because it's

13:31

like yeah I made a bet that I

13:33

could get with her and make her fall

13:35

in love with me And then I'm just

13:38

gonna stop and she's like, how dare you

13:40

might meanwhile it was months ago They fell

13:42

asleep together. I was like you think this dude is

13:44

gonna break a lease for a bet When

13:47

she was just like the girl who showed

13:49

up at this party like he had no

13:52

idea It

13:56

was insane it's insane it reminded me

13:58

of that college humor sketch with Batman

14:00

and Dark Knight Rises where he's like, oh

14:03

it was a ruse and we had sex four

14:05

times trick me

14:07

again Yeah,

14:09

like I would've been like oh you we

14:11

moved in together and you were my first

14:14

and we met each other's family We

14:16

you fool me again You

14:21

really go deep on prank sir Like there's

14:24

no way So

14:26

crazy and her her anger is

14:28

like he murdered her mom. Yes She

14:32

takes a fucking bus to wherever

14:34

the fuck Like

14:36

shows up at her mom's place.

14:38

It's insane. She goes full Raphael

14:42

Yeah, because in Teenage

14:45

Mutant Ninja Turtles one page. Let me just explain for all

14:47

the listeners Raphael gets real angsty

14:49

and then takes a bus to go see

14:51

his mom That

14:54

does not happen. No, you just he just leaves

14:56

I'm gonna say this one time and I

14:58

I fucking mean it say it I would

15:00

have to walk in and Catch

15:03

you balls fucking deep

15:05

in someone else where I can

15:07

see it going in and out

15:10

Before I will willingly get on a

15:12

greyhound and I Need it

15:15

Okay, let me ask this. What if you're

15:17

just driving? Is it a higher threshold? Like

15:19

oh, no, I love driving Like, you know,

15:22

if I open the door and hear the sounds then I'm

15:24

driving to mom's I'm gonna check on the

15:26

sounds cuz it might just be porn. That's fair. Either

15:28

way. I'm gonna try and catch a glimpse of it

15:30

and then I will Locations,

15:33

but it has it's gonna you have to

15:35

be doing it in my car So I

15:37

couldn't take my car for me

15:39

to go on a greyhound. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

15:41

I was like he's not cheating On her

15:44

that would make the most sense here. What

15:46

is that? No, she's like, I know your

15:48

relationship Well, but they can't cuz they've got

15:50

like like five more movies where I assume

15:52

they have to like have really boring sex

15:55

We're staring to each other's eyes. Yeah, your

15:57

relationship started on a dare who fucking

15:59

cares Best dare ever!

16:02

Like, what is it? Is he gonna have two

16:04

kids with her and then like get jobs and

16:06

get a house and then be like I'm gonna

16:08

turn it off I fucking won that dare. Turned

16:10

off That

16:13

would be so funny Guys, I guarantee

16:15

you when we're watching After Death or

16:17

whatever like the 13th movie in this

16:20

franchise when they're ending it His

16:22

last words are gonna be gotcha bitch.

16:24

Yeah Okay, I

16:26

don't think like production value of this

16:29

is great No, some of the edits

16:31

are long while the montages are long

16:33

They slow dance to a song and

16:35

it's like shot like it's a montage

16:38

But the montage is as long as the

16:40

fucking song. Yeah, so just show me them

16:42

dancing Like what are we doing and every

16:44

song sounds the same? Of course. I know

16:46

different songs are Existing as

16:49

I have said before No

16:52

notes But

16:54

Mikey that's sort of how I feel

16:56

about it like it is like all

16:58

of that aside all the production stuff

17:00

aside Like I also was a terrible

17:02

communicator at this age Paige is bringing

17:04

up very valid criticisms that I don't

17:06

want to go away Um, the

17:08

only the only song that I could actually

17:10

point out and remember in this movie is

17:12

the cover of Avril Lavigne's Complicated yeah where

17:14

they somehow made it more emo I

17:17

loved it Hilarious

17:19

one of the songs a girl

17:21

that experienced the couch sent me

17:23

once so I that was Hang

17:30

on what song is it? I have a

17:32

question. What song was it first off? It

17:34

was that twangy one? Mm.

17:36

Yeah, that is not at all

17:38

helpful. This is my house down

17:40

track specifically What the one he's

17:42

talked about like why'd you have

17:44

to go and make things? Out

17:49

what you yell for All

17:54

been done before start out with like

17:56

a banjo well listeners if you know,

17:58

please DMS The twangy

18:00

one. What twangy one Mikey's talking about.

18:03

Hold on, hold on, I can figure

18:05

this out. Okay, okay, well why don't

18:07

you figure it out there? The after

18:09

Spotify playlist. Wait,

18:12

why he's looking that up? I just have to

18:14

say, for a movie that wants me to believe

18:16

that these two people love literature

18:18

and books and novels and shit,

18:20

they only talk about two of

18:22

them ever. Withering Heights and Pride

18:24

and Prejudice and that's it. And that's it?

18:27

And I don't find either of those books romantic. Fight

18:29

me! Please don't, please don't. I don't have energy for

18:31

that. No, I think the fact that he referenced Heathcliff

18:33

is a huge red flag. Huge. It

18:36

was the song, Beige by Yoke

18:38

Lore. Oh, oh my god, okay Mikey,

18:40

I remember when that song came on because

18:42

I had subtitles and it's when

18:44

they are starting to have sex and

18:47

it just says, playing beige. And I

18:49

laughed out, wow. Mikey,

18:51

Mikey, what year would that

18:53

sent to you? Are

18:57

you sure it wasn't 2019? Did she

18:59

see this scene and was like, this reminds

19:01

me of Mikey. It was definitely around the

19:03

time this movie was released for sure. Okay,

19:06

okay. It was a girl. You

19:09

don't have to divulge anything Mikey.

19:11

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cut this out.

19:13

I'm not gonna. Okay, well then

19:16

I can't say that. Wait,

19:19

so while she was on the couch did

19:21

she take off all her

19:23

fancy clothes? I spent

19:25

the night at their place, at her place. Yes, we have to cut

19:27

out, correct? No, no, no, you don't have to cut this out. This

19:29

is a funny story. I spent the night at her

19:31

place. She told me that her and her

19:34

ex had broken up. Oh no. Been

19:36

there. And then while we're

19:38

in the act of love

19:40

handshake. Oh yeah. Far,

19:43

far along in the act, she begins

19:45

the crying, you know? Oh

19:47

no. And I am not,

19:50

I can't drive. And so. What?

19:53

What? I can't drive? No,

19:55

I can't. I can't leave. Oh,

19:58

okay. You. You

20:01

were alcoholically impaired and could not

20:03

operate a vehicle. Okay, okay, okay,

20:05

okay. Okay, I thought you were like,

20:07

hey, can you stop crying? I can no

20:09

longer focus on the wheel. We were just,

20:11

I was like, I thought you were broken

20:14

up and then they're like, we're just having

20:16

a rough patch. And I was like, way,

20:18

way different situation. Those are different

20:20

things. And then I slept

20:22

in the best with her. No. What?

20:25

I could drive. And she kept the heat hot

20:27

like a lizard? No, the temperature was

20:29

nominal. Okay, all right. He

20:32

answered that like you were a scientist collecting

20:34

data. This is a clipboard. Yeah, the next

20:36

morning I wear the same clothes from yesterday

20:38

or whatever. And because it's like a weekday

20:40

date and I was like, oh, this is

20:42

not like me. So then all of a

20:44

sudden I used to keep a change of

20:46

shirt in my, in my office for that

20:48

purpose. Yeah. So I'm trying to leave. She's

20:51

trying to get to work. I'm trying to

20:53

leave. I can't find my keys. They're nowhere.

20:55

I'm picking up the couch. Oh, I know

20:57

this story. You heard this story. I'm living

20:59

in the bedroom. I'm looking at my, I'm

21:01

having a panic attack because she is like

21:03

late to work. And then, and

21:06

like, she has the lead and like, she is

21:08

like freaking out. I'm freaking out. Then I get

21:10

a call from the SWAT team and

21:12

they're like, we have a stand up. We need you

21:14

to come out here or whatever. He's like, well, I

21:16

can't make it out because I think I locked my

21:18

keys in my one night stand. And

21:20

I was like, be right there or whatever. So I

21:23

left my keys inside a person and now

21:25

I got to go fish them out. I was

21:27

having, I was like sweating profusely. I was having

21:29

a panic attack. And then it was, it turned

21:31

out I left them in the roommate's bathroom. Why

21:33

were you in her roommate's bathroom? I

21:35

don't know. I think I, we had to pee at the

21:37

same time and I went in there. So that's why you

21:40

have two toilets in your house. That's why Jake and

21:42

I bought a home. Yeah. So anyway, that's the

21:44

song she gave me. See,

21:49

I feel like that, that story

21:52

deserves something more than beige. Well,

21:54

I really liked her and she hurt my feelings.

21:57

Oh, Mikey. I'm sorry.

22:00

Anyway, so like I get

22:02

that this movie is trash, but I'm a raccoon

22:04

and I just honed it up. I was into

22:06

it. I Our

22:09

first RTP shirt is this is

22:12

trash and I'm a raccoon I'm

22:14

a raccoon baby It's

22:17

like a raccoon version of me like then just

22:19

a drawing of a possum on it to make people

22:21

real confused I felt like a garbage

22:23

truck and I would go by this film's home

22:26

Get that little can of garbage in my little arm

22:28

and I would go And

22:30

then stuff it all in because it's

22:32

garbage it is and that's my

22:34

job like listen I was very

22:37

excited to talk to both of you guys about this

22:39

tonight So I was excited

22:41

watching the movie wasn't good. No,

22:43

no, not at all I

22:45

can't wait to see the sequel it was

22:47

better than some of the stuff we've watched

22:49

but it's so low stakes It's like

22:51

watching a commercial so low stakes. I feel like

22:54

somebody went through Like I'm bad

22:56

at journaling. I know I'm a writer and

22:58

that's weird, but like I'm just bad at

23:00

it I never remember to do it So

23:02

I always have like a half a dozen

23:04

or so half filled out journals around Yeah,

23:06

and I feel like if somebody found one

23:08

of those from college It

23:11

would be basically some shades

23:13

of this and

23:15

that's not a good thing Well, no, I

23:17

mean, but I you probably like would

23:19

have written something like this and like high school

23:21

college A vampire Comedy

23:25

that was way better than this but

23:27

sure if I'd been true to form

23:29

but like low bar page low bar

23:32

But yeah, like I I don't know I

23:34

think this movie is ridiculous But I had a great time

23:37

watching it because I was so excited to talk to you

23:39

guys about it. Very yeah I it

23:41

hit all the right spots for me of

23:43

a movie for this podcast and that's what

23:45

made me excited the most I have no

23:47

strong emotions about something and I I'm with

23:49

working everything lately I'm really happy not to

23:52

have strong feelings about anything about this I'm

23:54

excited to just make fun of this movie for

23:56

about two and a half hours with y'all cuz

23:58

my week has been horrendous There are

24:00

some level say but guys I just

24:02

had before you to do it. Okay,

24:05

She goes to a second location. With

24:07

a strange man she doesn't really

24:09

know that location is the was

24:11

going. Are saying.

24:14

Is so dog. Oh she knows

24:16

him. And

24:20

Murder Central guys My first days they

24:22

are my you wanna go the hidden

24:25

watering hole in the woods with me.

24:27

Know what? I don't want to get murdered

24:29

in a candidate or. They I'm going to

24:31

murders that p were I'm I'm I'm a

24:33

man. Fsf every me by a

24:35

waterfall. I see your plan as

24:38

I mean this. Is the guy that's

24:40

dumb paid people. go visit waterfalls all.

24:44

That is through. You gotta put them somewhere where

24:46

there's more wild animals they can identify. The corpse

24:49

advance as the uploaded subscribe. I understand.

24:51

I would. I would she be done.

24:53

I'm a bit. that's what. I'm thinking

24:55

Lf get through this like get back to

24:57

that sentimental and I both kids in a

24:59

horrible prison school. The program. Yeah, I saw

25:02

one episode to go. I know how it

25:04

ends but. It's so good I tried

25:06

to not watch it one night. it's like

25:08

a ball sleep and I literally couldn't falsely

25:11

bozo riveted. I. Had to stop with one episode

25:13

month ago so I could go to sleep and

25:15

then get up this morning and dress. Like.

25:17

A ridiculous corporate dominate hurts to go

25:19

to work and make people feel uncomfortable

25:21

on purpose. And you know what put

25:23

in the time some gonna reward myself.

25:25

I was in that last episode later

25:27

tonight. Good. edited by Sammy Smarts and

25:29

to Third and Mods. If you didn't

25:31

know, That

25:33

grades out loud, diverse and or a D

25:36

M. I was like holy shit it was

25:38

amazing you crust it is a great documentary

25:40

other for sure as her Dmg blocked me.

25:44

Like this every that sweet lady leave her

25:46

alone Trying to invite me to the why?

25:48

It was two thousand, four hundred and thirty

25:50

three Fire. I'm oh geez, A

25:55

whole family. I'm very sorry about that.

25:57

but to grab on your. Yeah, no.

25:59

Congrats. Fantastic anyway, but let's go to the

26:01

movie see my scene because we got plenty to

26:03

talk about and it's probably gonna take us minutes

26:06

Minutes to get through this plot guys. I don't

26:08

think we do but like that's fine I

26:11

think we have a lot of things to talk about amongst ourselves

26:13

Just not not the movie, but that's

26:15

how this always goes the middle

26:18

30 minutes I think is

26:20

just a montage it is the middle

26:22

30 minutes feels like all of Oppenheimer.

26:24

You're right I don't

26:26

want to talk about that And I

26:28

told you I do I wanted to have

26:31

a fun night tonight I like that movie

26:33

let's not bring death the destroyer of worlds

26:35

into this fun Fine, I

26:37

won't bring up Oppenheimer But I do want to

26:39

point out that this movie reminds me a lot

26:42

of the sequel Star Wars movies And I'm gonna

26:44

want to talk about those a lot I'm

26:50

just joking I pretend those don't exist I

26:53

will tell you that this has the same

26:55

emotional stakes as the sequel trilogy it does

26:57

Honestly if you told me that like this

26:59

is based on Twilight the after series is

27:01

the sequel series You know I'm saying like

27:03

it's that level of worse I had

27:06

to go I did some fun fact deep diving

27:08

before I found out that this is basically a

27:10

One Direction fanfic But I kept thinking I was

27:12

like is this a fanfic of 50 shades or

27:14

Twilight cuz there's so many similar pieces Yeah, yeah,

27:16

and honestly I stand on the fact

27:18

that my favorite 50 shades adjacent

27:20

fanfic that becomes a weird movie

27:23

is the 365 series at

27:25

least it's fun. It is the Fast and

27:27

Furious of love, and I'm here for it Everything

27:31

is wild I like wild things oh

27:33

and similar to this movie. It's another

27:35

it's another Gloomy sad boy

27:37

with a ton of tattoos, and

27:39

I'm like I'd be here for it,

27:41

but he's a little boy ish I need him to grow

27:43

up a little this bothered me this kid

27:46

has a king and queen of spades Tattoo

27:48

on his fingering finger, and he is not

27:50

old enough to gamble and that makes me

27:52

so angry in a way that age They're

27:55

called bangers. Yeah, whatever you call

27:57

them the fingers you use to finger

28:00

a person. The bangers, yeah.

28:02

Oh, chicken fingers. No! What?

28:04

No. I should have gone

28:06

no. But what? Drumsticks

28:09

or flats? Uh, no. But

28:12

like, hey, you know what? I am friends

28:14

with a lot of ladies who enjoy ladies.

28:17

Yeah. And that's why they'll get their manicures

28:19

shortened on those fingers. And

28:21

so like, when I saw what fingers they

28:23

were on, I was like, somebody in makeup

28:25

is having a good time. Because

28:28

all of the tattoos make no sense. To

28:30

borrow a phrase from a woman I worked

28:32

in retail with that I think is deathly

28:34

hilarious. She once

28:37

compared someone's tattoos

28:39

to magnets placed by a

28:41

child on a refrigerator and

28:45

never has that been more true than

28:47

this guy. None of the tattoos match

28:49

or seem to connect or mean anything.

28:51

They are randomly placed to just look

28:53

cool and then he's got the

28:55

bangers. And I was like, wow. All

28:58

right. All right. And she still hasn't fucked

29:00

him? Girl, what you doing? He's got tattoos

29:02

on the fingers that do the fingering. I

29:04

mean, I think he's, I don't know. He's

29:07

got a cum gutter tattoo, Todd. I know.

29:09

But like, I think we're gonna get

29:11

that stuff over the course of the

29:13

next 20 movies that they put out

29:15

over the next 15 years. I don't think

29:17

so. I don't think

29:19

at any point these weirdly Mormon

29:22

movies are going to be like, yeah,

29:24

I got these tattoos because I love

29:26

fingering bitches. Yeah, this is not a

29:28

history of violence where he was like

29:31

part of the Russian mob and came

29:33

over. History of violence though. I love

29:35

that film. I don't think I've ever

29:37

seen it. That film is why I

29:39

described a former person

29:41

that used to work with me as Eastern

29:43

Promises Hot. You

29:46

know exactly what I mean, right?

29:48

But like they show his like

29:50

tree tattoo so much. There

29:52

has to be a story there. Is it

29:54

a tree? Because it reminded me of the tattoo that that

29:56

one guy had on jigaloes. If you watch jigaloes, you know

29:58

exactly what I'm talking about. I've only seen

30:00

like three or four episodes of gigalose while

30:03

I was sick in my girlfriend's room Yeah,

30:05

I know exactly who you're talking about Except

30:09

his was like the

30:11

symbiote from spider-man and

30:13

adjacent stories like venom like

30:15

crawling up And

30:18

he wanted to become a white rapper He

30:23

was not talented in that way But

30:25

anytime I see people with tattoos like this

30:27

I think of that guy Yeah Who at

30:29

one point in a later season of gigalose

30:32

had them make a cast of his dick

30:34

to make his own custom Dildos that he

30:36

could sell so you know what if nothing

30:38

else that dude branding. Yeah good at branding

30:40

god I gotta get back into gigalose

30:45

Actually, I think you've hit the threshold yeah,

30:48

they aren't making new ones so it's just gonna be

30:50

a rerun I guess I think a gigolo is

30:52

born every day here in this country You

30:54

know that famous phrase thing it was Abraham

30:56

Lincoln that said it. I have it tattooed right

30:58

above where my genitals What's

31:04

the weirdest tattoo you've seen after getting

31:06

somebody naked oh god Scarab

31:09

that is a weird one. Okay.

31:11

I thought okay a big scarab

31:13

right over to the left on

31:15

the hip area Interesting was

31:17

there meaning behind it or was just like

31:20

it looks cool either are acceptable like get

31:22

tattoos cuz they look cool I'm not gonna

31:24

stop you there there was meaning

31:27

and I used to remember that story If

31:32

someone does show me their hip I

31:34

have a hard time paying attention to

31:36

words Like

31:38

if that's when you heard that story I wouldn't

31:40

remember either that probably would have been something I

31:42

brought up later I was like hey, what's that

31:45

tattoo all about tell me the story? No cuz

31:47

then she would have just showed it again And

31:49

I blacked out again or whatever so I don't

31:51

think I've ever seen crazy tattoos I

31:53

dated someone who had like a big rose on

31:55

their lower back that I feel like go

31:58

off girl That could look good It

32:00

wasn't a bad tattoo. There you go. This

32:02

is a little weird though. It was because

32:04

her grandmother was named Rose. Weird

32:06

place to put that. That's the best

32:08

place to put a memorial sissy. I'm

32:11

not one to judge when I'm saying, like you

32:13

know, I'm not gonna judge. Look, hey,

32:15

I got no problem with having a little flirty

32:17

tattoo down there. I've been thinking about getting one

32:19

on my hip on the backside for a while,

32:21

but like, you know, you pick your spots for

32:24

what goes there. Yeah, I think so too.

32:26

And listen, honor your grandma, babe. Do

32:28

whatever you want. We pick a

32:30

different thing. Sure, sure. Hey, do it. I

32:33

don't know what I would put, you know? Yeah, Mikey,

32:35

you're the only one on the podcast that don't

32:37

have no tattoos, correct? That's correct. I

32:39

don't like commitment. That's fair. Honestly,

32:42

that checks out. Anyway, we should get back into the

32:44

movie, right? Like, have we even started talking about

32:46

it? No, we did not start. Can we get into the

32:48

movie? What are we doing, guys? Okay. It's

32:51

nine o'clock. It's late night energy. Selma Blair appears.

32:53

No, hold on, Mikey. There's

32:55

like multiple scenes before that.

32:57

Okay, so. It's there? There's

33:00

like six production companies that no one has

33:02

ever heard of before or since this movie

33:04

came out. Paige, when I started it and

33:06

there were four production companies, I was like, oh,

33:08

that's a bad time. Oh, no. This

33:11

is going to be bad. But

33:14

then we see the back of her

33:16

head walking through the forest and then

33:18

she says quite possibly the dumbest line

33:20

I've ever heard that just told me

33:22

how weird this movie was going to

33:25

be because she was like, you know,

33:27

wow, sometimes something in your life happens.

33:29

Like, so it changes everything because like

33:31

after him, there's just after.

33:34

And I'm like, what the fuck is that

33:36

supposed to mean? It's

33:39

insane to me that you didn't

33:41

quote here anything crazier. There's

33:43

a line in this movie where he's swimming in

33:46

the water and trying to get her to come

33:48

in and he goes, it feels amazing. No, she's

33:50

been in water before. Like, that's not what's

33:52

going to get her in the water. Yeah,

33:54

also, it's a murky lake, which means she's

33:56

going to be in a bunch of moss

33:58

and pond scum grossness. So like yeah, it's

34:01

not gonna feel amazing. It's gonna be gross back here

34:04

Anyway, sorry anyway. Yeah after

34:07

him There's just after and

34:09

we open on her laying in her bed and

34:11

like it pulls back from her But it the

34:14

way it's cut the shot initially looks like her

34:16

hands are out of frame having fun But then

34:18

as we pull up They're just like folded on

34:20

her stomach and I was like, well this ain't

34:22

fun at all But we

34:25

meet her mom Selma Blair who's only in

34:27

this movie for three scenes and each one

34:29

of them is madness And I feel like

34:31

she is the same level of energy in every

34:33

one of those things like in different directions

34:36

Yes. Yeah. Yeah, but like she's the same

34:38

level in every move. Yeah in every scene.

34:41

She's at an 11 at all time Yeah, yeah,

34:43

because in this scene she's like come on. We

34:45

gotta go. We gotta get you to college Are

34:48

you forgetting anything college and you're like, okay,

34:50

calm down. So I'm gonna like sit

34:52

down Don't exert yourself too much. Oh, I know So

34:55

I know they take her to college with

34:57

someone that they do not introduce in this

35:00

movie yet And I was like, is that

35:02

her younger brother because if that's her boyfriend

35:04

spoiler He ain't gonna be

35:06

for long those college ones the freshmen

35:08

that come in attached always end up

35:10

on a tack I got a hot

35:12

take here. Oh, do you let's do it. Fuck

35:14

Noah. He's a bitch. I Don't

35:18

think Noah was into it. Like

35:20

I think Noah loves her. I

35:22

think sure is not into her

35:24

I don't I don't know if it's because he's

35:26

gay or anything, but I just don't think there's

35:28

like industry Yes, I don't think he's into it

35:30

like that. I read him as immature

35:33

immature and similarly sheltered. Definitely

35:35

sheltered Yeah, the difference is he's still in

35:37

high school, right? So like I think to

35:40

him it like when she's like partying He's

35:42

like how dare you like it seems so

35:44

like he probably owns a dare shirt unironically

35:46

Like he's one of those kids where he's

35:49

just like absolutely, you know, I hey I

35:51

don't want you to get hurt like and

35:53

it is well-meaning but it is very short-sighted

35:55

and and he his world is very small

35:58

and I remember when I went through college

36:00

and like most of the people that

36:02

we came in with that had high

36:04

school relationships that they had maintained as

36:06

freshmen, most of them were broken up

36:08

by the first the end of the

36:10

first semester basically. Some people lasted longer

36:12

than that but most people end the

36:14

first semester. And here's the thing, there's

36:16

no shame in that, right? Because

36:19

you are off experiencing life and growing

36:21

in different ways and you will potentially

36:23

grow apart and that's okay. That's what

36:25

the process is supposed to do. And

36:27

you grow a lot when you go to

36:29

college. You grow a lot. It's like your first

36:31

little bit of real freedom and you might lose

36:34

your mind a little bit. Those are all very

36:36

valid points but I really think Noah is

36:38

terrible at women. I mean I think

36:40

so too. Terrible at kissing, terrible at

36:42

touching, terrible at talking. Yeah. Just

36:45

terrible. And you know what? I hope

36:47

that this is his moment where he like

36:50

is motivated to grow, to learn that boobs

36:52

don't feel like bags of sand. That you

36:54

need to be gentle, you know? And like

36:56

you can't just stick your tongue in a

36:59

person's throat, you know? That's why I was

37:01

like, I don't think he's into it like

37:03

that. I thought he was her brother for

37:06

most of the scene. Because like again, I

37:08

don't think he's into it like that. I

37:10

feel like you're not hearing me. Like I

37:12

feel like he's not sexually interested in her

37:15

at all. You feel like he is of

37:17

a different orientation than he is presenting, is that what

37:19

you're saying? No, I mean he might be, I don't

37:21

know. But like I just don't feel like... Or he

37:23

might just not be in to her in that way.

37:25

Yes. She's not as tight. Like that's a

37:28

thing too. Because he has not learned

37:30

that he has a type because they've

37:32

been friends for so long that friendship

37:34

has bled into air quotes a romantic

37:36

relationship even though there's not a sexual

37:38

attraction there. Yeah, I do, well I

37:40

feel like sometimes too, people who meet

37:42

that young and are in relationships that

37:44

young, sometimes that happens. And like yeah

37:46

as you grow you're like, oh I

37:48

am actually very attracted to something else.

37:50

And hey, sometimes it's a different person,

37:52

sometimes different gender, sometimes it's a whole

37:55

different thing. But like it

37:57

is very difficult to break those relationships.

38:00

I think that's possible. I think he might also

38:02

he is young he's younger than her more sheltered

38:04

and at the end of the movie Or

38:06

I guess towards the end of the movie when she comes

38:08

back and talks to him and actually apologizes He

38:11

says he's like we are supposed to

38:13

grow. Yeah, it's okay. Like we're still

38:15

friends. I care about you I feel

38:17

like he's like I'm good like

38:19

I'm good. I feel like at that point.

38:21

He was like listen. I'm good Finally I

38:23

can go. Yeah, I'm cheerleaders. What's up? I

38:26

didn't have to be the bad guy cuz

38:28

I'm super into you know Thicker redheads or

38:30

some shit like whatever his actual type in

38:32

some people be yeah, so like or dudes

38:34

I don't care. I just don't think he

38:36

was into it like that with her Yeah,

38:38

which is hard cuz she's like she's pretty

38:40

I feel like she looks like in every girl

38:42

That's what I was gonna say. I feel like she's

38:45

a pretty every girl Which yeah, I

38:47

think Kristen Stewart was supposed to be that

38:49

in Twilight like correct that is That

38:52

is a common thing you see in movies Yeah, and

38:54

and so I'm not gonna be like she's not pretty but

38:56

I will say I'm like there's not a lot of distinguishing

38:59

Characteristics about her she is

39:01

she is built to be

39:03

someone that Readers initially

39:05

and viewers can kind of project

39:08

themselves upon For

39:10

the masses if that makes sense. I

39:12

will sum up this situation with a

39:14

quote with our main male guy What's

39:17

his name sure what's his name Harden

39:19

Harden? So you've never been touched before

39:21

and that's probably What

39:24

happened with Noah I mean it's very

39:26

clear they haven't really done anything So

39:29

like they spoon that's that's all and

39:31

they kiss that's all we see right

39:33

so like Noah hasn't been touched like Noah

39:35

has no Idea what's going on? Yeah, you've

39:37

never touched a stomach before Noah like grow

39:40

up Oh, no, he was going downtown

39:42

cuz he's got them tattoos like yeah He's

39:45

the finger King finger can't

39:47

page I hear his finger looking good But I

39:49

thought that he said that just because it was

39:51

like a classier way of saying Oh, you've never

39:54

been like fingered before like but he was just

39:56

like trying not to be so crass about it

39:58

Which was you know yes? It was

40:00

gentlemenly. No, I didn't have a problem with that

40:02

line. I was like, oh, okay. You want to

40:05

meet the king and queen? King and

40:07

queen. They get to

40:09

her dorm and they meet her roommate.

40:11

Now, we all went away to college,

40:13

correct? Correct. Not really. I

40:16

was like 30 minutes away, but I did live

40:18

at school. Yeah. But I was close.

40:20

Okay. So when I

40:22

went to school, and maybe this is different

40:24

at different schools, when you came in as

40:27

a freshman, all the freshmen lived together. True.

40:29

That was like a thing. Like your roommates

40:31

were always freshmen. The only time that changed

40:33

for me is when I moved into the

40:36

sorority house and then we mixed it up.

40:39

But freshman year, it was freshmen with freshmen. Was

40:41

that the case with you? And it's because of

40:43

what happens in this movie. There are

40:45

freshmen dorms and freshmen dorms. And then

40:48

after that, you could live... Wherever, basically.

40:50

Yeah. I lived in an

40:52

apartment off campus. Okay. Yeah,

40:54

I don't know. But in the dorms, it was

40:56

always... In fact, when I went to school, you

40:59

lived in the freshman dorm, but then you were

41:01

also required to have a meal plan so that

41:03

you ate together with the other freshmen in the

41:05

dining hall and stuff. Yeah. And

41:08

you could live off campus if you wanted. No, he's preventing

41:10

you from doing that. But I had a meal plan. I

41:13

would go to school to eat all the

41:15

time. Yeah. But they

41:17

weren't... If I signed up to just be

41:19

in the dorms, no one was setting me

41:21

up with a junior or senior, however

41:24

old she is in this movie, her

41:26

roommate is. And in part because they

41:28

didn't want you drinking in the dorms.

41:30

The dorms were mostly dry and they would

41:32

do checks and stuff for it. Once

41:35

you moved off campus or into one of the

41:37

Greek houses, a whole different ballgame, but like... Well,

41:40

sure, of course. But they didn't want somebody 21 having... Giving

41:45

booze to their freshmen roommates. So

41:47

freshmen lived with freshmen. I mean, they do

41:49

that page because of exactly what

41:51

happens in this movie. Yes. That's

41:53

what I'm saying. So when they were like... She was like,

41:56

yeah, I was kind of weirded out at first, have a

41:58

freshman roommate, whatever. I was like, this is... This would

42:00

never happen. I also thought when

42:02

immediately right after she says that she says,

42:04

but then I realized I get to be

42:06

your spirit guide and I would have been

42:08

like, oh shit, I got

42:11

one of these people. Can

42:13

I also say this is what made

42:16

me feel like it was super Mormon

42:18

is the way that they like set

42:20

decked her roommate's side of the room

42:22

to try and like, you

42:24

know, alarm flags and stuff off about

42:26

her, which also, I don't think her

42:28

roommate's a bad person. I think her

42:30

roommate genuinely wanted to try and be

42:32

her friend. But my

42:34

favorite thing is dead ass center

42:37

above the roommate's bed is a

42:39

very sapphic drawing of two women

42:42

scissoring. Yeah. But it is

42:44

front and center anytime you're in the

42:46

room. And I was, I was like,

42:48

they were like, we need to make

42:50

sure that they know she's gay. I

42:53

mean, they do make that very clear, like pretty soon

42:55

in like a scene because she starts making out with

42:57

that girl a lot more. Yeah. We

43:00

mean her girlfriend. I know, but they don't say that

43:02

they're dating in that scene. Like, not that they need

43:04

to. Like, I didn't care, but like, yeah, we don't

43:06

know that we don't have that relationship confirmed until a

43:08

later scene. Which this is gonna

43:10

sound terrible. I almost want to be

43:12

like, if I was Selma Blair and

43:14

walked my daughter into a dorm room

43:16

and they were like making out, it

43:18

was two girls making out. I'd be

43:20

like, thank God, keep the condoms, don't

43:22

get pregnant. Like great. Way

43:25

less of a risk. But

43:27

Selma Blair hates making out,

43:29

obviously. Well, so Selma's daughter

43:31

into a dorm room and they were like

43:34

making out, it was two girls making out.

43:36

I'd be like, thank God, keep the condoms,

43:38

don't get pregnant. Like great. Way

43:41

less of a risk. But

43:43

Selma Blair hates making out,

43:46

obviously. Well, so Selma Blair

43:48

wants to continue to shelter her

43:50

daughter, clearly. Because immediately

43:52

after they walk into this room and

43:54

see that it's an older roommate and

43:56

that roommate seems to be more of

43:59

a free spirit. air quotes, read

44:01

gay, the syllabler's like, absolutely

44:03

not, absolutely not, we're gonna

44:05

have you reassigned. And the girl

44:07

is like, no, no, no, no, no, it's

44:10

gonna be fine, I'm a grown up, I can, no, no,

44:12

no, no, no, no, please let me

44:14

live in the dorm with her. Yeah, she's like,

44:16

I'm a grown up, it'll be fine. And she's

44:18

like, okay, fine. And I do love that she

44:21

comes back to the room and the roommate's like,

44:23

I'm so sorry, how much did I freak your

44:25

mom out? And she's like, it's fine. Yeah,

44:27

don't worry, she's overprotective, it'll be fine, which

44:29

is true. She's like, wait till we have

44:31

sex in front of you. Oh, that happened

44:34

to me freshman year too. Okay, but like,

44:36

that happens a lot around this age, I

44:38

think. A hundred. Because I know people who

44:40

had sex around me. I also feel like

44:42

if it happened to me today, my reaction

44:44

would be wildly different. And like, at 18,

44:47

I was like, oh, and I was all

44:49

freaked out and it was like not good.

44:52

My reaction today would be, Buddy

44:54

just held up his camera phone. Yeah,

44:56

yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, mine would

44:59

be like, oh my God, have a good

45:01

time guys, I'm gonna go to Panera or

45:03

whatever, like goodbye, call me when you're done.

45:06

Or whatever. But yeah, I was

45:08

really weirded out when it happened to me.

45:10

Anyway, so she says goodbye to her mom

45:13

and her boyfriend. Comes back up, the roommate

45:15

is like, so your brother's cute, because he

45:17

does seem like a brother. That's the chemistry

45:19

they have is a very brother and

45:21

sisterly, which flies on Pornhub, but not in

45:24

real life. Another one

45:26

that flies on Pornhub also happens in this

45:28

movie and that is Two Step Brothers. Two

45:31

Step Brothers hanging out by the

45:33

pool. I hope that's one of

45:35

the sequels. This red, white

45:37

and royal blue in the middle of it. It's like

45:39

landed in a hardened fall in love or something. Here

45:41

for it. I

45:44

watch that. Anyway, she's like, oh, that's

45:46

my boyfriend. And her roommate is like, oh,

45:48

all right. Because of course the roommate is

45:50

not a freshman. And so the roommate is

45:52

like, T minus six weeks till they break

45:54

up, essentially. But I mean, that's like, that

45:56

is what happens. Did anyone stay with those

45:58

people? My sophomore year. and my junior year

46:01

broke up with the girlfriend I had at

46:03

that time because they were going to college.

46:05

It was a mutual thing. I said I

46:07

broke up with them. We split up because

46:09

it's not feasible. No. I casually went

46:11

on like a couple days with a dude towards

46:13

the end of high school and then I was

46:15

going away and he was not. Yeah. Like

46:18

we were just going to college in different places and it was like

46:20

we're not going to be in the same

46:22

place. Yeah. You become geographically undesirable and that's

46:24

like it's a thing. That's it. Anyway,

46:26

Mikey, did you have any stories of

46:29

people who came in dating and then

46:31

were immediately no longer dating? My

46:34

freshman roommate, who I'm still friends with,

46:37

followed his girlfriend to college. I mean like

46:39

he wasn't going to go to college because

46:41

then good. No. Or he

46:44

was just going to go to a

46:46

different school and then didn't. He is

46:48

from Nashville here. He followed his girlfriend,

46:50

Meg. Ooh. Name drop. To Mississippi State.

46:52

They broke up within 10 days. Oh

46:55

my God. It is so funny. What

46:57

strikes me about this conversation is that

46:59

like if I was living out the

47:01

elements of this movie at this age

47:04

that they are in the movie. You'd

47:06

be Noah. Yeah. If I was Noah's age

47:08

or like whatever. Like if I was 17 and

47:11

my girlfriend went to college and then like

47:13

cheated on me and was like the worst

47:15

person in the world and then someone decided

47:17

to write a best-selling book and movie about

47:19

it. I would be all up in my

47:22

feelings about it. Like I would have like

47:24

felt like these were really big things. Like

47:26

really big sad things. And now I just

47:28

like I'm like man there's no stakes in

47:30

this movie. Is it cheating if he never

47:32

touched her tummy? I mean technically yeah.

47:34

Technically it is. But I

47:37

that's what I'm saying. Like it's solo

47:39

stakes. She should at least call and

47:41

be like we're done. You're free. Yeah

47:44

be like hey I found a guy who will

47:46

touch me. How come you never rub my belly

47:48

button? Yeah. If you're going downtown Mikey

47:50

the tummy was just on the way. Oh

47:53

I know he was. And she was like

47:55

oh my god. I

47:58

boobed my body all around for you those. It

48:00

was like he got picked up by a

48:02

twist-off. Anyway, so roommate is like, hey,

48:04

come to a party with us. And

48:06

she's like, no, I'm very much a

48:09

student. And so she- And also

48:11

Yoda, like what happened? Yeah. So

48:14

straight are you? She dresses like a

48:16

Mormon preschool teacher. And

48:18

then she goes to Econ 101, where she

48:20

does meet Landon. Yes. Who will

48:22

be her friend basically as she goes. Because

48:24

the two of them show up early. And Paige,

48:27

if you don't think, if you don't know, that

48:29

he's gonna be a romantic rival in later movies,

48:31

you're insane. He has to be, right? He has to

48:34

be. He has to be. Because, and this is where

48:36

the pornhub of it all comes in. Okay, okay, okay,

48:38

okay. You know what I'm saying? Here's what I'm saying.

48:40

You know what I'm saying? I'm saying if you want,

48:42

the rest of these are hard R's, right?

48:44

Noah goes off in fucks. Not Noah, we're

48:46

now talking about a different theme. Not

48:48

Noah, Landon. Yeah. I think

48:51

Landon and Harden double team

48:53

her. What? Maybe

48:56

I've been watching too much from couple to threeple.

48:58

You definitely are. I think

49:01

so. But I'm thinking six

49:03

sequels in, we gotta get a sandwich

49:05

going, what's up? Is that what that's

49:07

called? Yo, ice cream sandwich me. I

49:09

mean, if what you're saying is true

49:11

and it is a one direction, I

49:13

think she's gonna hook up with all

49:15

of these people once per movie. Oh

49:17

my God. I think everyone gets their

49:19

own movie. This sounds terrible. I'm saying

49:21

it. Noah, this sounds

49:23

great. I'm back in. I really

49:25

do think that this whole series

49:28

is gonna be just like some

49:30

sad fans, like projection of

49:32

what it would be like to fall

49:35

in love with each member of One

49:37

Direction. Like I really do think that's

49:39

what it is, Paige. You seem excited.

49:41

Now I'm excited. I'm so excited.

49:43

But I also don't wanna sit through more

49:45

of these cause this was a slog, but

49:48

you know. I wish there was a second

49:50

snowstorm cause I would just buy high quality bourbon,

49:52

get blackout drunk and watch six of these movies

49:54

in a row. That

49:56

sounds amazing. Mikey, should we

49:58

watch all five of them? I'm in

50:00

Kansas City. I'm ready. No. No.

50:04

We just, you know, wrought our brains. Anyway,

50:06

but that's my theory on where the movies

50:08

go after this. And I think Landon is

50:10

obviously one of those characters, right? You said

50:12

that he was in the beginning, so that's

50:14

what I think is gonna happen. I have

50:16

done zero research on this, and people who

50:18

know and are listening are probably mad at

50:20

me right now, but... I'm looking it up

50:23

right the fuck now. If you... I

50:26

think it is different people

50:28

every time, maybe? No,

50:30

but they end up back together? Oh yeah,

50:32

because I think that's part of it, Paige.

50:35

I think no matter which one

50:37

you fall in love with, you always come

50:39

back to Harry Styles. You know what I'm

50:41

saying? Ask Olivia Wilde! The actor

50:43

who plays Landon changes. Three

50:46

and two movies in to this

50:48

movie. Good. What?

50:51

And also... Oh no, wait. Don't

50:53

spoil it. I might do one of these a month. Do

50:57

it! I mean, you're

50:59

not the only one that gets to pick

51:01

movies, Mikey, and we have no idea what

51:03

I've got on lock for next week. You're

51:05

such a fucking Noah. That's

51:08

some real Noah energy. By the way,

51:11

Noah's the only good person in this

51:13

movie. We don't know that except he's

51:15

like, oh girl! Well, okay. He a

51:17

little sheltered. He a little sheltered. But

51:19

like, he does treat her with respect.

51:21

Ah, so he's a bigot is what

51:23

you're saying. I mean, yeah, probably.

51:25

I mean, there's studies

51:27

that suggest that, but hopefully not. Not

51:29

all of them are. I heard Noah

51:31

voted for Trump, is all I'm saying.

51:34

He can't vote. He's

51:36

just now a senior. Anyway,

51:39

Econ 101. They get

51:41

there early because they're fucking nerds. She

51:43

happens to make friends with the guy

51:45

who's going to end up becoming the step-brother

51:48

of the dude she ends up living with

51:50

in this movie. Kinky. Like,

51:52

happen chance. That's who she sits next

51:54

to. Kinky! Anyway,

51:56

so they go to Econ. They're

51:58

friends now. She is struggling, she's

52:01

like going to the shower, which it's like usually

52:03

in the doors that might be the first time

52:05

you live in a communal shower environment. Yeah,

52:07

I mean, some of Blair does have some

52:09

real like, you're my only child energy, so

52:12

I do think she's an only child. Yes.

52:14

So that probably was the first time she'd

52:16

ever showered in a communal shower. But

52:18

and she drops her clothes. Yeah. So she

52:20

has to go back to her room wrapped

52:22

in her towel. Rookie mistake. Rookie mistake. And

52:25

as she closes her door, which

52:28

by the way, this dorm room

52:30

changes direction, layout, furniture

52:32

throughout the film. It

52:34

fully switches which side of the

52:37

building it's on at one point, Paige.

52:39

Yes! Bro, this is Hogwarts. I

52:41

thought you guys knew that from the beginning. The

52:44

staircase. You say that, and I

52:46

hate bringing up Harry Potter, but like

52:48

this kid, the guy who plays Harden,

52:50

played Tom Riddle in, like

52:52

young Tom Riddle, like Voldemort. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

52:55

He played Voldemort. If you think he's not

52:57

a villain, he played Voldemort. That is the

52:59

guy they have in this movie. He's terrible.

53:02

Look, if you think he's not a

53:04

gloomy sad boy with hot, hot tattoos,

53:06

he's a gloomy sad boy from Jump

53:08

Street. When we dig into his backstory more,

53:10

it's like a lot of like Panic! At

53:13

the Disco and My Chemical Romance, like slow

53:15

jammed out. Hey, I saw both those

53:17

bands live when I was

53:19

in college. No shit, Paige. So

53:21

did I. I know. Holy

53:23

save! The sophomore year is the year

53:25

we followed Fall Out Boy around. You know

53:27

what? We've all had adventures. We've all had

53:30

razor cut things. Anyway, she

53:32

closes her closet door, there's a mirror on the

53:34

back revealing that he's laying on her bed behind

53:36

her reading a book, just like hanging out because

53:38

he's friends with her roommate. Yeah, he like wandered

53:41

over to her side of the room, picked up a book,

53:43

and laid down on her bed and started reading. And she's

53:45

like, hey, do you mind like, I don't know, getting the

53:47

fuck out of my room, person who doesn't live here? And

53:50

he's like, oh, I'm British and I have tattoos

53:52

and I like reading books, fancy a

53:54

shag. Like, not that, but you get

53:56

it. It is very much that though. Like,

53:58

it's not that Paige. It's not

54:01

Jason Statham, but like...

54:04

If this was Jason Statham, that's what

54:06

it would have been. What has happened

54:08

to our society where books are so

54:10

counter-culture that you're part of the tattooed

54:12

British accent troubled some teens of like,

54:14

he's wearing a Ramon shirt later in

54:16

the movie. I'm like, what? He

54:19

has three different Ramon shirts, by the way. That's

54:21

his only punk shirt, it's Ramon shirts. She wears

54:23

them all. I know. Name

54:25

three songs. There's no Ramon songs

54:27

in this movie. Like, it is

54:29

like so performative that it feels

54:31

like they really don't know anything.

54:34

Wow, you're telling me the guy that dresses like that

54:36

and only reads Jane Austen is hiding

54:38

something? Exactly! And

54:40

then pretends to be a literature guy? Yeah, hiding

54:42

something. He's like, I

54:44

love literature and books, and I've only

54:47

read two, and they are withering heights

54:49

in Jane Austen, and I've based my

54:51

entire personality on them. That is

54:53

very much hard. In a very troubling

54:55

way, too. Oh, I mean, hold on.

54:57

That's all you need to do. Like

54:59

I watched two movies and I was like, wow,

55:01

movies are great as a concept. Like, you can

55:03

do that. You can read two books and be

55:05

like, novels are great. Okay. Let

55:08

me clarify. When I said he is like

55:10

a literature dude, I didn't mean like, he's

55:12

just a fan. I mean like, he's trying

55:14

to pass himself off as someone who's like,

55:16

learned and like, well-read and shit like that.

55:19

He's a real Mr. Darcy in

55:21

a real unfortunate way. Yeah. I

55:24

love Mr. Darcy because I feel like that

55:26

now rich landowner who is just too sarcastic

55:28

to people he means who are the opposite

55:30

sex. That's not, Darcy

55:33

is mean to people, by the

55:35

way. Like, he's not just sarcastic.

55:37

So am I. But I definitely

55:39

feel like Mikey has the capacity

55:41

to be casually inconsiderate. Sure. In

55:44

the sense that like, he doesn't realize he's doing

55:46

it. It's not malicious. Um, friends, I am a

55:48

counselor for a living. You got to pay for

55:50

it. For you to

55:53

be considerate? I do love that Mikey is

55:55

like, guys, I have to be nice at

55:57

work. So fuck all of y'all. be

56:00

a nice anymore outside of work. The only

56:02

reason I went into a helping profession is

56:04

that on my off time I could be

56:06

an asshole and not feel guilty about it.

56:08

Hashtag high road. I know

56:10

your name Mikey. People out there, young people,

56:13

young men, we need you in the social

56:15

work field. We do too. Can high road

56:17

the fuck out of people and arguments? Please

56:20

dedicate your life to a

56:22

field that is unfortunately underpaid

56:25

just so you can high road people at social

56:27

events. You can't put a price on that. You

56:29

can't. You also can't eat on that

56:32

so seek out other employment

56:34

opportunities. You heard it here,

56:36

Todd wants to eat off

56:38

young social work male students.

56:41

Only if they have cum gutter tattoos. That's how

56:43

you know where to put the food. The gravy

56:45

doesn't spill. You know what I

56:47

like to eat on? Faster meals.

56:50

Faster! Faster! You

56:52

didn't even know what was gonna happen Paige. First

56:56

time you've witnessed one, louder than person. We're

57:00

not doing a factor red by the way. In

57:03

two minutes they're hot and ready

57:05

for you. Why isn't there one for

57:07

this episode? I don't know

57:10

man. I mean maybe. I don't know which

57:12

I can't tell you exactly which ones they

57:14

have buys in but yeah Paige we did

57:16

10 to 15 ads. I

57:18

know though the wine on the most

57:20

recent episode is actually really funny. Paige

57:22

they get worse. They get progressively more

57:25

insane. They get more on

57:27

his as we go. I don't know what happened

57:29

to us. Mikey and I were just waiting for

57:31

you to record because you were running late one

57:33

day because you've had some work drama so we

57:35

just like I was like let's hop on and

57:37

record some ads and things got weird. Anyway

57:39

let's get back into this movie. Let's

57:42

get down to business.

57:44

So she's like can

57:46

you leave so I can get dressed and her roommate's

57:48

like oh that's my friend and she's like cool can

57:50

you ask your friend to leave so I can get

57:52

dressed and she's like no you're going

57:55

out with us tonight so like he leaves.

57:57

Okay I have to talk about this. The

57:59

Great Gatsby. Let's talk about it. Oh, I

58:01

don't give a shit about whatever performative bullshit. They're

58:03

saying here cuz none of it's true Great makes

58:05

sense. It's dumb. I'm sure yeah, I'm sure what

58:08

they say to you right here It's super important

58:10

to the plot and like it comes back at

58:12

the end or whatever Not really

58:14

it don't like I mean like the end

58:16

of the series page like this is set up

58:18

for like forever from now and Listeners are probably

58:21

like who have read the book or like no,

58:23

it's super important The thing is I didn't care

58:25

like I just did care at this point about

58:27

them really like why should I they don't I

58:30

don't know? Like they've met once but like when

58:32

he leaves he doesn't close the

58:34

door No, and then she turns to

58:36

change and it bothered me

58:39

that nobody closed the door before she

58:42

She was like, hey, would you mind leaving leave

58:45

that door open on the way out? Yeah

58:47

Yeah, I like a good breeze

58:49

and whatever. I am my way.

58:51

Yeah the minute you I

58:56

Could see you were a

58:58

man of distinction a Jane

59:02

Reader good Cat

59:05

it all up. See wouldn't

59:07

you like to see me walking

59:09

around in the bus anyway? She's

59:12

in a cafe the next day. I Love

59:15

how hard Mikey tuned out while we

59:17

played right there. That was fun. That's

59:20

right. That's right And she's like

59:22

looking I'm like, oh coffee And

59:24

then her roommate is like you're going like Fox

59:26

the library fuck out you're going to a party

59:28

tonight She's like, okay. I need to pick out

59:31

a party outfit. She picks out conservatively a dress

59:33

you would wear to a wedding Like

59:35

as a guest, I love that. She shows

59:37

up in her best Mormon

59:39

I'm teaching Sunday school dress

59:42

to this party. It's the wards

59:44

dress up party She's like I have a

59:46

meeting with the bishop I

59:49

brought two jello salad. I Brought

59:52

jello salad shots and funeral

59:54

potatoes. Those are delicious. I

59:56

fuck with that. I made some kick-ass funeral

59:58

potatoes the other day I fucking nailed

1:00:00

it. Put me in the grave, baby! But her

1:00:02

friend, her roommate is like, you can't, don't

1:00:04

wear that. Wear something and she's like, I thought

1:00:07

you wanted me to be me. And she's like,

1:00:09

okay, it's cute, let's do it. She like

1:00:11

accepts whatever she's gonna wear. What

1:00:13

if you could be you but sluttier? Well

1:00:15

that's what her friend's saying, yeah.

1:00:17

That's my affirmation that I say

1:00:19

in the morning. What, be

1:00:21

you but sluttier? Yeah. Is that

1:00:24

when you put on your nipple pasties for the day? No, I

1:00:26

don't cover anything else. Mikey,

1:00:29

that's a strange thing for a man

1:00:31

in a shirt to say. You're covered

1:00:34

up, you're wearing clothes. Pasties are just

1:00:36

closer and less material than a shirt.

1:00:38

They're just smaller clothes that are

1:00:41

also stickers. Exactly. Smaller nothing, baby.

1:00:43

I'm fully clothed or not. I

1:00:47

mean, that is kind of the binary

1:00:49

of how clothes work. If

1:00:52

you bottom line everything, fact. I don't want

1:00:54

to take stickers off my nipples. I'm

1:00:56

either wearing clothes or I'm not wearing

1:00:58

clothes. So wait, if you boil it down

1:01:01

that much, Paige, what he's saying is if

1:01:03

he's wearing clothes, he's wearing pasties. There you

1:01:05

go. There you go. That's what I heard.

1:01:07

No, I'm not wearing pasties. I've got hair

1:01:09

on my nipples. What? He's showing us his

1:01:11

nipple. What is happening? I didn't

1:01:13

realize that all we had to do to get

1:01:16

Mikey to show us his nipple was to like

1:01:18

accuse him of wearing a pastie. I

1:01:20

bet you're wearing one of those weird socks too

1:01:22

that make people wear during sex scenes. A sock

1:01:24

for your dick. Yeah, I bet. That's

1:01:26

what I bet you can like a

1:01:28

red hot chili pepper thing. You wear

1:01:30

thongs. I'm not going to fall for

1:01:32

this. That's big Noah energy there. Oh,

1:01:38

God. Anyway, her entire closet looks like she could

1:01:40

pair it with Ugg boots. So she

1:01:42

picks out this red dress. She

1:01:44

is out of place at this party instantly. She should

1:01:46

have just worn jeans and a t-shirt. She would have

1:01:49

looked more in place. But we

1:01:51

go and she drinks under peer

1:01:53

pressure. And because at this

1:01:55

point I was like, is this an after school

1:01:57

special? She only takes one shot like she does.

1:02:00

Yeah, just one. I guess caved at peer

1:02:02

pressure pressure, but I do think she's like

1:02:04

still got it together like she's not drunk

1:02:07

She certainly isn't like losing her mind like

1:02:09

some of layer things. You know like yeah,

1:02:11

yeah, yeah It's it's really good, but and they play truth

1:02:13

or dare and through this game of truth or dare They

1:02:17

established that she is probably a virgin which hey is

1:02:19

her own business and she shouldn't be made fun of

1:02:21

for that You know who else was a virgin

1:02:23

when they went to college this guy

1:02:25

All three of us. Mary. All three.

1:02:30

Did you say Mary? Who is Mary?

1:02:34

The mother of Christ Except

1:02:37

that she definitely had Jesus when she was

1:02:39

like 13 or 14 years old Which

1:02:42

makes it even funnier because depending on what you

1:02:44

have that second kid, you know They're like

1:02:46

truth or dare is the guy ever touched you

1:02:48

below your breastbone and she's like awwww

1:02:51

no No,

1:02:54

nothing good happens after midnight And I

1:02:56

never wear anything that reveals lower than

1:02:58

my collarbone when it comes to torso.

1:03:00

I say no sir Not

1:03:03

norso Alright

1:03:07

I'll see you guys in 20 minutes It's

1:03:12

just the good-natured chaos we need during

1:03:14

this movie. This is late night

1:03:17

energies I cried too

1:03:19

much this week. So this is good So

1:03:22

they then dare her to make

1:03:24

out with Harden aka Harry Styles

1:03:28

And he's like now he does ask for consent. He's

1:03:30

like do you want to do this? And she's like

1:03:32

I'm done playing this game I leave she

1:03:34

walks out and calls her boyfriend and she's like hey

1:03:36

and he's like are you drinking? How

1:03:38

dare you be drinking? She's like I have one

1:03:40

drink and he's like I can't Although

1:03:44

she had literally not even a drink. It was

1:03:46

like a sip. She had us like a what

1:03:48

one shot One shot she swigged

1:03:51

it. Yeah. Yeah, but like she's not

1:03:53

drunk and I don't understand why she

1:03:55

isn't just like yeah I'm sorry. I

1:03:57

went with my roommate cuz she dragged me to

1:03:59

it but I hated it, I'm leaving,

1:04:01

let's talk all night." Like it was insane

1:04:03

to me that she went back into the

1:04:05

party. Noah's like, oh, I've never even drank

1:04:08

mouthwash cause I gotta keep my mouth pure.

1:04:10

Like, fuck the fuck off the phone, Noah.

1:04:13

I don't know why she didn't say

1:04:15

to Noah, I'm at fucking college, get

1:04:17

off my fucking back nerd and then

1:04:20

hang up. And this is

1:04:22

why when I was in that situation

1:04:24

in high school, both times we just

1:04:26

broke up because absolutely things are not

1:04:28

gonna work out. I

1:04:30

mean, if you were able to make it work,

1:04:32

awesome. Good for you, Congrats. It's just so rare.

1:04:35

Mazzle, but yeah, anyway, and I'm like, this

1:04:37

call is insane. This is so crazy. But

1:04:39

then she goes back into the house and

1:04:41

goes upstairs. And I was like, this girl

1:04:44

don't know how parties work cause upstairs is

1:04:46

where the fucking happens. So like, if you

1:04:48

ain't trying to get into some business, you

1:04:50

stay in on the ground floor. But so

1:04:52

she walks into a room that is

1:04:54

very clearly Hardin's room as

1:04:57

evidenced by the giant Union Jack

1:04:59

flag and all of the sad boy

1:05:01

books. And she's like, oh, Wuthering Heights.

1:05:03

And he's got like post-it notes in it. And

1:05:06

I don't know if that's just so he

1:05:08

could like post-it note all the places where

1:05:10

Heathcliff was a fucking monster. And then he

1:05:12

could be like, I'ma do that. I

1:05:14

don't know. Yeah, fuck Heathcliff.

1:05:16

He's a Garfield rip off.

1:05:19

He honestly is pretty terrible

1:05:22

at Wuthering Heights. Like

1:05:24

he's very much like an anti-hero figure.

1:05:26

Like he's not a good guy. I

1:05:28

have learned this about romantic partners. Tell

1:05:32

me everything you've learned guru my

1:05:34

people. Single person. If

1:05:36

you're with someone and their favorite romantic

1:05:38

book is Wuthering Heights, get the fuck

1:05:40

out of there. I

1:05:43

do wish people would stop holding it up

1:05:45

as a romantic paragon because it is a

1:05:48

very toxic relationship. I'm not saying it's a

1:05:50

bad book. I'm just saying, if you're like,

1:05:52

this is the kind of relationship I'm looking

1:05:54

for. I have concerns and questions. Same. Modern

1:05:57

day. If you were reading it at the time,

1:05:59

hey. Whatever it was old times, but

1:06:01

now I'm like like oh he

1:06:04

didn't kidnap her. This is so sweet Oh

1:06:07

god anyway, so he comes in and she's like are

1:06:09

you drunk and he's like no I

1:06:11

don't drink which we will find out why except

1:06:13

that he definitely does drink it happens a handful

1:06:15

of times Yeah, but we also know he's

1:06:17

a liar so yeah, yeah But

1:06:21

anyway he quotes from the book

1:06:23

and she's just like and

1:06:26

I'm like hey Just my experience.

1:06:28

I'm not saying this isn't all the time

1:06:30

kind of thing But if a dude walked

1:06:32

up to me and quoted weathering Heights I'd

1:06:34

be like is your boyfriend an English professor

1:06:36

because that's what I would assume Was

1:06:39

happening. I'm not always right. I'm not

1:06:41

saying that that is a like

1:06:44

exact but in this situation I'd have questions

1:06:46

anyway He quotes weathering Heights But this

1:06:48

is a thing that like a teenage girl would think

1:06:50

is romantic and we would be like red flag exactly

1:06:53

Surprise you don't love this guy page. Let me

1:06:56

tell you why why I think Paige at this

1:06:58

age would have loved this guy Oh, yeah

1:07:00

at this age. I would have been down he

1:07:02

looks and acts like a

1:07:05

street magician Like

1:07:09

he's right It's

1:07:11

not but he does have the cards on

1:07:13

his finger He's

1:07:16

got those card bangers. There's a

1:07:18

big trench coat I can make

1:07:21

these cards disappear Oh,

1:07:24

it just reminds me. Oh, isn't it? What's

1:07:26

your number where the guy pulls a bunch

1:07:28

of quarters out of her? Funny

1:07:31

it's kegs Yeah, I I

1:07:33

don't like magicians. This is something you have made

1:07:35

up. It is fake news From

1:07:38

the lamestream media aka Todd

1:07:40

and Mikey you thought a lot like

1:07:42

Trump right now I was gonna say it people

1:07:45

are talking people are talking about how much you

1:07:47

love Chris Angel

1:07:49

people are saying paid love Street

1:07:51

magician. We call her magic page.

1:07:53

They talk about the toilets the toilets They

1:07:55

aren't they aren't swirling the same way. They're

1:07:57

not swirling as hard. They say Street magicians

1:08:00

out here lying for the liberal agenda. They're

1:08:03

floating on woke in the street. Yeah, this

1:08:05

would only happen in Biden's America. People

1:08:08

are calling her wizardly Wesley. Wizardly

1:08:11

Wesley loves the magicians. That

1:08:13

almost broke my chair. That was

1:08:15

my Trump impression. I never done

1:08:17

it before. Honestly, Mikey, I'm impressed.

1:08:19

You're that great. Wizardly

1:08:22

Wesley. But it did

1:08:24

sound a little bit of the wickedly

1:08:27

talented Adele Dazeem. Like,

1:08:29

a little off. Oh

1:08:32

my God. Anyway, he quotes from the book. It was like,

1:08:34

do you want to make out now? But

1:08:36

I could not concentrate in this scene. And

1:08:39

I can't figure out, Todd, help me out

1:08:41

here. If it was the color mix on

1:08:43

the color correcting was terrible. Or

1:08:45

if they put the wrong color

1:08:47

foundation on his face to cover

1:08:50

his five o'clock shadow. Because

1:08:52

it very much looks like they tried to

1:08:54

beard cover with yellow. And

1:08:56

you have to beard cover with orange

1:08:58

because if you have dark hair, there's

1:09:00

enough blue tone in your hair that

1:09:03

the orange counteracts it. And then when

1:09:05

you foundation over it, it neutralizes that

1:09:07

color. But if you try to cover

1:09:09

in yellow, that neutralization doesn't happen. And

1:09:12

your face will shade yellow, especially if

1:09:14

you set with banana powder, as opposed

1:09:16

to either a neutral translucent or pink

1:09:18

toned powder. And so I was like,

1:09:20

did they just not know how to

1:09:23

do it? His face is full yellow.

1:09:25

He looks like that guy in Sin

1:09:27

City. What is happening? Yeah, I'm

1:09:29

assuming the color correction is fine and it's

1:09:31

just the makeup because whoever did makeup for this

1:09:34

hadn't ever seen Drag Race. Because what

1:09:36

you just described is like you see them doing exactly

1:09:38

that all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's

1:09:40

also how you cover tattoos because most black

1:09:42

tattoo inks use blue. So you cover orange.

1:09:45

Yeah. But anyway, so she looks fine

1:09:47

in this scene. So I don't think it was the color,

1:09:49

but I did see it. He does look like he's about

1:09:51

to throw up. Yeah. He looks

1:09:53

like quickly. Yeah. Bye.

1:09:57

I mean, they do get close. Like they're trying to

1:09:59

build that chemistry. Let's see what you're doing. Look,

1:10:01

there's a whole lot of Bridgerton season two

1:10:03

going on in this where it's a lot

1:10:05

of just like close breathing and like if

1:10:07

I can't have you, oh my god, you

1:10:10

know, whatever. So she goes

1:10:12

back to her dorm and she's texting her boyfriend and

1:10:14

he's like, I'm sorry, I'm just doing what I think

1:10:16

is best for you. And I almost want to be

1:10:18

like, shut up, teenager. I know. I

1:10:21

decide what's best for me. He texts

1:10:24

or called her mother. Oh my god.

1:10:26

I told on her to her mom.

1:10:28

She is an adult who was at

1:10:30

college. Yeah. I can't believe

1:10:33

Noah did not have sex with her. I

1:10:37

don't think Noah was into it like

1:10:39

that. Bro, if you tattle on me, I'm

1:10:41

cheating on you. Okay. I think

1:10:43

there's a better way to handle that on

1:10:45

both sides. No, a breakup would be too

1:10:48

clean. How did she like, this is what

1:10:50

rats get. I mean, you're

1:10:52

right. She is a villain in

1:10:54

this movie. So like she does

1:10:57

plan out the worst revenge for

1:10:59

Noah snitching on her. So Noah,

1:11:01

he snitch snitches. It's

1:11:04

not snitches get snatches. Snitches

1:11:06

get stitches, my friend. Like put yourself in

1:11:08

the shoes here. Of a snitch, never. Your

1:11:11

high school boyfriend just got mad at

1:11:13

you. He called your mom at like

1:11:15

10 30 at night and be like,

1:11:17

she's having a drink right now at

1:11:20

college. I would literally text back and

1:11:22

be like, shut up bitch. We're done.

1:11:25

Like, what are we fucking doing?

1:11:27

You're in high school. I'm

1:11:30

in college now. I realize I've only

1:11:32

been at this level of free

1:11:34

for days, but this is not

1:11:36

gonna work. Yeah, bitch. Like

1:11:38

that's what I would have text back. I also feel like

1:11:40

my mom or dad would have texted back.

1:11:43

I'm miles away and there's nothing I can do about

1:11:45

it. I'm just gonna have to trust that I raised

1:11:47

her to not be dumb. Well, I mean, but

1:11:49

your parents are like normal and

1:11:51

will adjust it. They don't show

1:11:53

up at their college daughter's dorm

1:11:55

unannounced and unplanned. What the

1:11:57

fuck mom? When we get to that. I

1:12:00

have thoughts. I have thoughts when we

1:12:02

get there. Anyway. Insane. Hello Todd, it's

1:12:04

Mikey. Hello Mikey, it's Todd. I

1:12:07

need to tell you something. Mikey, it's

1:12:09

fine. You'll be a great dad.

1:12:11

That's we're gonna table that. But

1:12:14

on that table is a delicious

1:12:16

factor meal. Yes! What a transition!

1:12:20

Oh my god, guys, this actually

1:12:22

is a factor ad. That was

1:12:24

amazing, Mikey. Mikey here for factor

1:12:26

meals, overmanned to the pod. Heck

1:12:28

yeah! We're gonna table it. Delicious.

1:12:31

Already fresh made meals, never frozen.

1:12:33

It takes two months to warm

1:12:35

up, just like Mikey does. I

1:12:37

have a busy schedule. I work

1:12:39

all day. I have fun too

1:12:41

much. I also work at night.

1:12:43

I also have too much fun, and

1:12:46

I have a problem

1:12:48

with words. Yeah, words is one.

1:12:52

Ordering out is another one. Same.

1:12:54

I ordered out tonight. Yes. I

1:12:56

literally got, let's just say a

1:12:58

factor equivalent meal for Natalie and I,

1:13:00

and it was like $48. What

1:13:03

it could have been, way less

1:13:05

with Factor. Yeah. And I struggle

1:13:07

with proportions. And Factor comes pre-proportioned,

1:13:09

pre-prepared, chef ready. I've used it

1:13:11

before. Before they even advertised on

1:13:13

the podcast, I used factor meals,

1:13:15

especially when I was working a

1:13:17

lot during the COVID lockdown. I

1:13:19

mean, that was the best time

1:13:21

to get on board with Factor,

1:13:23

except for right now, because Factor

1:13:26

is giving 50% off

1:13:28

to all of our listeners.

1:13:30

If they go to factormeals.com/romancing

1:13:33

the pod 50 and use code

1:13:35

romancing the pod 50 to get 50%

1:13:37

off. That's

1:13:39

code romancing the pod

1:13:41

50 at factormeals.com slash

1:13:43

romancing the pod 50 to

1:13:46

get 50% off. That's

1:13:48

a good deal. And they

1:13:50

have an easy to use app and they never require

1:13:52

me to talk about the app. Mikey, that was the

1:13:54

end of the ad. That was the end of the

1:13:56

ad. I'm still going. All

1:13:58

right, factor meals. As

1:14:03

a professional welder, Shana Ford uses

1:14:06

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which helps her improve her skills. The

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weld is. Learn more

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at meta.com/metaverseimpact. So

1:14:21

we cut to class the next day because she's in

1:14:23

an English class because originally she was econned to make

1:14:25

money but she's eventually going to end up being an

1:14:27

English major because this is definitely a rip off of

1:14:29

Fifty Shades in some way. Anyway,

1:14:32

so. They're all rip offs of each other.

1:14:34

Of each other. Yeah. And

1:14:36

because this is an English class in a movie

1:14:39

that only knows two books, it's

1:14:41

like of course day one Jane Austen

1:14:43

and I'm like Jane Austen is typically

1:14:45

not what you're reading in college. Usually

1:14:47

you would have read that already in

1:14:49

like high school unless it's specifically like

1:14:51

a class on that genre of literature

1:14:53

but then you're probably not reading, you're

1:14:56

probably not reading Pride and Prejudice, you're

1:14:58

probably reading other ones but. I got

1:15:00

the vibe that they were just debating

1:15:02

because this is a first day. I

1:15:04

thought she asked who would read it.

1:15:06

Yeah. Who would read Pride and

1:15:08

Prejudice because like everyone should have fucking read it by

1:15:10

now, you know? And then they talk

1:15:13

about it and then she's like that's why we

1:15:15

like literature or whatever. Like I don't know. Yeah,

1:15:17

it's very vague. It was a terrible class. Yeah,

1:15:19

whatever. I will say that like I had a

1:15:21

discussion like this with another girl in class when

1:15:24

we did Jane Eyre because I was like, they're

1:15:26

trash. They're all trash. I hate them. She deserves

1:15:28

what she gets. And they're like, this is a

1:15:31

take on modern. I'm like, no, this is wild.

1:15:33

I mean, I feel like Jane Eyre is

1:15:35

troubling in many ways but

1:15:37

also there's a part of me that's

1:15:39

like he kept his wife in the

1:15:42

attic, juicy, like let's talk about it

1:15:44

but you know, most people don't want

1:15:46

to read them that way. Anyway, I mean this

1:15:49

movie was just like English class, English class, English

1:15:51

class, debate, debate, debate that doesn't really make sense

1:15:53

within the story. And by that I mean the

1:15:55

story of Pride and Prejudice. Neither of them are

1:15:57

right. I was like, this debate

1:15:59

is weird. I know! And that's why I was

1:16:01

like, there's no stakes to this. I don't

1:16:03

think this person read this. Yeah. Yeah.

1:16:05

Yeah. Both

1:16:07

of these people asked chat GPT, give

1:16:10

me some talking points about Jane Eyre,

1:16:12

so I don't sound like a fucking

1:16:14

moron in my lick-clack. Or it's Pride

1:16:16

and Prejudice by Jane Eyre. Sorry, sorry

1:16:18

Pride and Prejudice, yeah. In this whole

1:16:20

film, I saw no character show either

1:16:22

the characteristic of pride or prejudice. Or

1:16:24

prejudice. I hope this

1:16:26

feedback finds you well. Mr. Darcy's

1:16:28

a dude. Where are my last emails?

1:16:30

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What did you guys read

1:16:33

freshman year of college? Moby

1:16:35

Dick. You guys read Moby Dick?

1:16:37

He was like, these chapters are more just

1:16:39

like, detailed about how to do whaling,

1:16:41

so skip these. And then I ended

1:16:44

up actually, I thought, this is gonna

1:16:46

be awful. And I actually really enjoyed

1:16:48

reading Moby Dick. And I wrote a

1:16:50

30-page paper comparing it to an ancient religion.

1:16:52

And it was like, really, the

1:16:55

professor was like, this is in no way true, but you

1:16:57

made some good points. I

1:16:59

read a bunch of papers like that and had

1:17:01

some very kind professors that were more or less

1:17:04

just like, be, swing and admit, but I appreciate

1:17:06

the swing. It was like that vibe. He was

1:17:08

encouraging it, so I think he was kind of

1:17:10

bored. He's like, I want you to like, I

1:17:12

don't care if it's real. I don't care, like

1:17:14

if you can logically argue your point about how

1:17:16

this relates to Moby Dick, I hear what I

1:17:18

was like, I'm gonna do this. He's like, have

1:17:20

you never heard the Patreonical, sir? I

1:17:23

was like, the title of the

1:17:25

paper was Moby Dick as an

1:17:27

allegory for Zoroastriologism or whatever. Zoroastrianism?

1:17:30

Interesting. I don't see the connection,

1:17:32

but okay. Well, I have

1:17:34

some literature for you. We

1:17:37

had to read the Oedipus Cycle. So

1:17:40

Antigone, Oedipus Rex, and Oedipus at Colonus.

1:17:43

So I wrote a paper on how Antigone, her

1:17:45

brother, might be in an incestuous relationship, and I

1:17:48

got an A. That's

1:17:50

because you're smart, Paige. Way to brag. I mean...

1:17:52

What? Yeah, I was not

1:17:55

in the Jane Austen classes. Anyway, they

1:17:57

get in an argument very much like a

1:17:59

Jane Austen film. Where it's just like

1:18:01

you antagonize me, you vex me.

1:18:03

Oh no, we're clearly in love.

1:18:05

Unrequited love. Yeah. Love

1:18:08

setting up people for toxic

1:18:10

relationships forever. Yes? You could

1:18:12

tell that girl hasn't had her upper lip touched by a man.

1:18:15

She's never had her torso fondled. Ha

1:18:17

ha ha. I do think it's the first

1:18:19

time someone touched her south of the belly

1:18:22

button at all in this in this movie.

1:18:24

Like, it seems like she like lost her

1:18:26

mind when he did it. Like, it is,

1:18:28

it does seem like she evacuated her drawers

1:18:31

when he just like caressed her stomach

1:18:33

lower than this, like lower than her

1:18:35

belly button. Do you remember when

1:18:38

Ginger Minj on like her first season of

1:18:40

Drag Race, I forget who it was, but

1:18:42

some guy walks in to choreograph something for

1:18:44

them and she goes, ah damn, they're flooding

1:18:47

my basement. And ha ha ha. Yeah, yeah,

1:18:49

yeah. Oh, that's one of my favorites. Anyway,

1:18:51

they argue, argue, argue, bicker. And she's just

1:18:53

like, you're so arrogant. And he leaves. Meanwhile,

1:18:56

Landon is like, yeah, that guy's basically my

1:18:58

step brother, which is going to be kinky

1:19:00

later. But for right now, it's just information

1:19:02

that you need to know. But he like

1:19:04

hates Landon. Like Harden does

1:19:07

not like Landon for what I

1:19:09

think are terrible reasons. Racism?

1:19:12

Oh no, I thought it was because he doesn't like that

1:19:15

his dad is remarrying. Like he,

1:19:17

like an angsty 12 year

1:19:20

old, like you can't get remarried. I

1:19:22

mean, this sounds terrible. I don't get his

1:19:24

anger about being remarried at all. That doesn't

1:19:26

make sense to me. So you think he's

1:19:28

a racist? Potentially. I mean, it could read

1:19:31

that way. What does make sense

1:19:33

to me is him being angry at

1:19:35

his dad for treating his

1:19:37

mom very badly. Yeah, I agree with

1:19:39

that too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, changing

1:19:41

his life and creating this

1:19:43

new family and I could see how he might

1:19:46

resent that family. It's not fair to

1:19:48

put that on them, but I understand where that comes

1:19:50

from. But this whole like, I can't believe he's getting

1:19:52

remarried. I was like, this lady had nothing to do

1:19:54

about it and she seems nice. She is nice. Well,

1:19:56

he goes into it a little bit like the dad I grew up

1:19:58

in was a drunk and I was. like was he like

1:20:00

sober now and like yeah he has a new

1:20:03

life and like I mean it does seem like

1:20:05

he is in some stage of recovery I don't

1:20:07

know if he drinks occasionally or whatever but he

1:20:09

doesn't seem to be an alcoholic in this movie

1:20:11

well that's all like do you want him to

1:20:13

be drunk now no I think what he

1:20:15

wants because he does mention it he says if you

1:20:18

knew the squalor my mother lives in

1:20:20

in London so I think his dad is

1:20:22

very rich very affluent is not helping his

1:20:24

mom out at all even though he treated

1:20:26

her bad he I think he feels like

1:20:28

he owes his mom sure sure and has

1:20:30

left his mom in worse circumstances I think

1:20:33

that that is true I also think

1:20:35

that this dude's made of money like

1:20:37

he is pretty affluent so when he

1:20:39

says when you if you saw the

1:20:41

squalor my mom lives in I'm sure

1:20:43

she lives in a very nice place

1:20:45

I'm sure it's fine or or

1:20:47

she doesn't and that is why he's

1:20:50

mad like I do understand if that

1:20:52

is real and she is struggling I

1:20:54

can understand being mad at that sure

1:20:57

but like I don't think this guy knows

1:20:59

what squalor is is my point well then

1:21:01

he's he's kind of a dick for deciding

1:21:03

to live with his dad well no

1:21:05

I mean because he does talk about them living

1:21:08

in a small apartment when he was growing up

1:21:10

and that's the guys came home from the bar

1:21:12

and hit his mom so I think it's very

1:21:14

possible that they were poor and his mom is

1:21:16

still poor did they just like hit

1:21:18

the lottery like no I think his

1:21:20

dad probably hit tenure and became the chancellor

1:21:23

of a school okay all right and probably

1:21:26

after the drinking like I'm I'm sure

1:21:28

his dad probably got sober yeah and

1:21:30

then ascended in his career and that's

1:21:32

where the gap came all right which

1:21:34

happens a lot yeah okay but his

1:21:36

mom's British right yes his mom is in London

1:21:38

his mom would have to be British because his dad

1:21:41

is not we don't meet her right we don't meet

1:21:43

her or he's just got a crazy accent we don't

1:21:45

meet her okay so that's a possibility page

1:21:47

cuz yeah we don't meet her no but she

1:21:49

is in London he says that she's in London

1:21:51

his dad is very American yeah

1:21:53

his dad's like Chicago American his

1:21:56

dad is Peter Gallagher I know he was

1:21:58

in sleep on the Seattle page No,

1:22:00

he was in while you were sleeping. While you were sleeping,

1:22:02

but also the OC. Anyway, so

1:22:04

we get a little bit of a montage

1:22:06

of her going with her roommate, for her

1:22:09

roommate to get a tattoo from that creepy

1:22:11

townie that hangs out everywhere. What's up, I'm

1:22:13

Mikey. Hey, I'm Jace, I'm definitely not 40.

1:22:15

You wanna hang out? Do you wanna drink?

1:22:18

I shaved my neck beard into flames. What's

1:22:20

up? The only time we see him is like

1:22:22

when it's a bad thing, like, that he shows

1:22:24

up. Like, he's never a good, like, character in

1:22:26

the scene. Yeah. Later in the movie, he

1:22:28

just, like, steals Hardin's car and she

1:22:31

has to, like, get information

1:22:33

out of him. From inside it.

1:22:35

It doesn't make any sense. He's

1:22:37

wifey-ery, as in why is he in

1:22:39

this movie? Yeah. Wait, is he

1:22:42

a stand-in for one of the

1:22:44

Jonas's? Jonas Brothers? No, it's One

1:22:46

Direction. They're all the same page,

1:22:48

I don't fucking know. They're not.

1:22:50

So, Hardin and then Zed, and I don't

1:22:52

think we met Zed in this movie, so

1:22:55

that must be later? No,

1:22:57

we definitely met Zed in this movie. Who

1:22:59

was Zed? Oh, was Zed, like, the friend?

1:23:01

Yeah, he was one of the friends. Okay.

1:23:03

And then Landon is Liam, and then Nate.

1:23:06

Who was Nate? Did he mean Noah? Look,

1:23:08

I don't know characters' names on a good

1:23:10

day. And then Logan. I don't remember

1:23:12

a Logan either, so I feel like

1:23:14

this list must be for multiple films.

1:23:17

I'm telling you, I think she hooks up with a different guy

1:23:19

in her film. That's what I want to happen. I want

1:23:21

that! Mike, same! I want that for her.

1:23:23

I want it to be this

1:23:25

lady whose name I don't care to

1:23:27

remember. I want this to be her,

1:23:29

like, just running through all of One

1:23:32

Direction. Wait, what's her name? Tessa.

1:23:34

Tessa is her name. Tessa is her

1:23:36

name, and Sexton is her name. It's

1:23:39

not. She's really been touched on the stomach.

1:23:42

Although, maybe the later ones were hard Rs,

1:23:44

so maybe they do get into all that.

1:23:47

I hope so. We've been talking for two hours,

1:23:49

and we haven't even gotten to the part where

1:23:51

he touches her stomach and she doesn't- woohoo! Like,

1:23:53

the Phil's very doughboy. I know! We have to

1:23:56

keep moving! Anyway, so, she runs into him at

1:23:58

the coffee shop, and he's like- I

1:24:00

can't stop seeing you and he's like maybe we can

1:24:02

reset his friends and she's just like fine. All right

1:24:04

fine He's like cuz your friends are my friends, you

1:24:06

know, he's like I want to show you something But

1:24:09

it's a place so she gets in

1:24:11

a car and goes with him to a

1:24:13

second location without Informing anyone where she is

1:24:15

or dropping a pin or anything and she

1:24:17

may as well be dead in that trunk

1:24:20

statistically Yeah, you never do this ever

1:24:22

never follow a tattooed gloom boy to

1:24:24

a second location That's

1:24:26

how you get Jennifer's bodied or herpes

1:24:33

Honestly one of those things it's

1:24:35

never anything else and it's like a 33% chance

1:24:38

it's gonna happen to you Are you just

1:24:40

hook up at a lake? Come on guys

1:24:42

I mean clearly when he said I want

1:24:44

to show you something and she says okay,

1:24:46

and he's like no it's a place I

1:24:48

was like he wants to show you pound

1:24:50

town Town Funny

1:24:53

thing about my water in whole

1:24:56

it's my penis But he's alone

1:24:58

and I can take you out to the

1:25:00

woods Oh, I can

1:25:02

kill you in pound town like murder

1:25:06

Yeah he does just like strip

1:25:09

down to his boxers and jump in the

1:25:11

water and like Cokes her into putting his

1:25:13

shirt on and jumping into which hey

1:25:15

wearing your significant others clothes very sexy

1:25:17

I mean, yeah, and when he was like, I think

1:25:19

I like it on you more I was like I've

1:25:21

always said that when that at least wearing my stuff.

1:25:23

Yeah, I'm like man you make that shirt work way

1:25:25

better than me Anyway,

1:25:28

she does jump into the water or

1:25:30

rather she goes to lower herself into

1:25:32

the water and he like care like

1:25:34

cradles her down into It which like

1:25:36

they're basically dry humping but what humping

1:25:38

like because nothing water Like

1:25:42

this seems like morning friends I was like bro, it's

1:25:44

not being friends when you took the clothes off or when

1:25:46

you got in his car to go to a second location

1:25:49

That's what it's not being friends. I don't think

1:25:51

this is friendly, but I'm gonna take my

1:25:53

dress off my baptism dress White

1:25:56

eyelid lace a lot if it

1:25:59

was pastel it would be a

1:26:01

keep sweet dress. It's like that vibe.

1:26:03

Well, no, it looks like a Catholic communion dress. Yeah,

1:26:07

okay, yeah. But it looks like, yeah, it's woo

1:26:09

hoo. But I mean, all this time when she

1:26:11

is literally wearing another man's shirt in

1:26:14

this pond or whatever they're in

1:26:16

and making out with Harden, she's

1:26:18

still technically dating Noah. 100%, and

1:26:20

honestly, hot. Oh

1:26:22

my God, just break up with

1:26:24

him. Oh, for sure. No, I'm not

1:26:27

saying it's hot that she's cheating. I'm saying

1:26:29

it's hot to be in a body of

1:26:31

water pressed up against that guy's other body,

1:26:33

wet body. Yeah, it's hot, Todd. Also, she's

1:26:35

dating Napoleon Dynamite. Get rid of him.

1:26:39

I mean, I'm the one saying she should break up

1:26:42

with him. He would never leave her alone unless she

1:26:44

cheats. I feel like

1:26:46

he would never give up. I don't think

1:26:48

he was into it like that. You don't

1:26:50

tattle on someone's mom unless you're into it.

1:26:52

You know what I'm saying? That's emotional abuse.

1:26:55

But they do end up making out, and

1:26:57

I did notice while they were making out that his

1:26:59

eyes were open. Yeah, he's a bad kisser,

1:27:01

Paige, what of it? He's an interesting kisser.

1:27:03

But this is also where I noticed because they

1:27:06

get out and they're getting dressed, and she has

1:27:08

to take off the shirt to give it back

1:27:10

to him and put on her dress. And as

1:27:12

he kind of turns boob grays, because apparently she

1:27:14

won't wear no bra under that dress, it implies.

1:27:17

No, she was wearing a bra. No, then why even

1:27:19

bother? Anyway, so like. Why even bother?

1:27:21

I mean, listen, in that situation, I'm a

1:27:23

botherin'. I don't care if she's wearing a

1:27:25

bra or not. Natalie can attest to it.

1:27:27

Paige, Noah has only dreamed about what the

1:27:29

outside of a bra would feel like. He

1:27:32

does like a boob braid, and then

1:27:35

he travels the king and queen of

1:27:37

bangin' fingers down south, and

1:27:39

he gets just right under the waistband

1:27:41

of her underwear, and she kind of

1:27:44

not recoils. Paige, she reacts

1:27:46

like one of those wacky, inflatable arm guys

1:27:48

that's out in front of a used car lot.

1:27:51

She loses her goddamn mind. It's

1:27:53

hilarious. I loved it. And this

1:27:55

is why he says, oh, have you never been

1:27:58

touched before? And then she says, why'd you. stop.

1:28:00

And he says, we've got time.

1:28:03

Right before they go out for burger and

1:28:05

fries, he's like, just kidding. I don't even

1:28:07

like you anymore. I was like, what are

1:28:09

these teenagers doing? What are the

1:28:12

kids into these days? Psych. That was

1:28:14

a psych date, not. Not. I definitely

1:28:16

didn't bear my soul to you in the

1:28:18

lake. I took her naval

1:28:20

virginity. Oh, stop. We didn't even

1:28:23

have to use lube

1:28:25

because we were in the pond. Anyway,

1:28:29

my favorite part of this burger, weird,

1:28:32

weirdness, because Molly and the other guys

1:28:34

show up and Molly's just like, Oh,

1:28:36

why are you here? Because Molly just

1:28:38

desperately wants to bang Harden and he's

1:28:40

not interested. Oh, I got the vibe

1:28:42

that he had banged her probably and

1:28:44

moved on. Yeah. It had moved on.

1:28:46

Yeah. Sorry. I'm laughing because like right

1:28:49

after they first have sex in this

1:28:51

movie, I was like cut to Harden

1:28:53

losing interest. Oh, I mean, if this

1:28:55

was real life, I know, but they're burgers

1:28:57

on the table, very clearly fake, but they

1:28:59

wanted to make them look real. And so

1:29:01

they just took like a cookie cutter or

1:29:03

a biscuit cutter or something to make like

1:29:05

a bite mark out of one of the

1:29:07

burgers, but it's perfectly, it's perfectly

1:29:09

circular. No one's teeth would do that.

1:29:11

There's no teeth marks. There's no tearing.

1:29:14

It's just a perfectly circular chunk out

1:29:16

of one of the burgers and it's

1:29:18

dead center in the shot. And I

1:29:20

couldn't stop looking at it and laugh.

1:29:22

Paige, it is like someone

1:29:24

took food out of mose from

1:29:26

the Simpsons into the real world.

1:29:29

That's what it looks like. I

1:29:32

thought the same thing. I was like, what

1:29:34

is happening? I'm so glad it wasn't just

1:29:36

me because I was like, this

1:29:38

is a bunk. First of all,

1:29:40

that cheese is an inch thick.

1:29:43

What is going on with this crazy bite out

1:29:45

of this burger? It was

1:29:47

like if Bob's burgers, burgered the

1:29:49

burgers in this movie. So

1:29:52

because Molly is there, he does this

1:29:54

like, it is what it is.

1:29:56

I guess we have fun, but like I don't

1:29:58

date fucking bullshit, whatever. I mean he

1:30:00

is like a poser fuck boy, like that's

1:30:03

what Hardin is in this movie, so like

1:30:05

yeah, he doesn't date But he falls in

1:30:07

love with the first girl who actually gives

1:30:09

him a little bit of attention that he's

1:30:11

a little bit interested in Okay, let's not

1:30:13

personal attack me Hey

1:30:16

listen, I'm not saying I am also not super guilty

1:30:19

of that throughout my life I don't date. Wait, you

1:30:21

give me a little attention now. I'm in love with

1:30:23

you. Okay. Thank you. Bye. Yeah The truth

1:30:25

shall set you free Mikey

1:30:28

is currently gargling with bourbon again guys.

1:30:30

We got it. We got a moo.

1:30:32

I toggle bell closes I'm gonna get you I'll

1:30:34

get you there. I'll get you them Crispinata. We're doing this for

1:30:36

you. You don't need this fucking Noah

1:30:41

Look hey hey Noah loves Taco

1:30:43

Bell because he put two of each

1:30:45

type of Crispinata and burrito on that

1:30:48

arc to make sure he could eat

1:30:50

for 40 days No one likes Taco

1:30:52

Bell cuz in pinata as he thinks feels like

1:30:54

boobs. I love the

1:30:56

crispy outer shell of boobs Freshly

1:31:05

baked sourdough loaves with all

1:31:07

the holes in it Anyway,

1:31:10

so cuz she in this scene is like I'm gonna

1:31:12

tell Noah about us and he's like I don't give

1:31:14

a shit Tell him or not. It was fun, but

1:31:16

whatever so like this is where

1:31:18

she goes home And we get the

1:31:20

really sad more emo cover of complicated

1:31:22

hilarious She's like trying on her roommates

1:31:24

clothes to be like what if I

1:31:26

was slutty or like sandy in Greece

1:31:28

like And

1:31:32

and again, I'm not trying to slut shame girls

1:31:34

wear them wild clothes Yeah, I mean if you

1:31:36

want to look like you're selling him no door

1:31:38

to door But

1:31:41

that's what she looks like for the majority of this

1:31:43

movie Do you need a

1:31:45

home him? No? Hey,

1:31:47

you know, I'm not wrong and Mikey be laughing if

1:31:50

he was listening you look like you could

1:31:52

use a whole set at home him no

1:31:56

I think it's funny that I probably only know this

1:31:59

because I do the of things like I

1:32:01

listen to this like kind of shit all

1:32:03

the time but Mikey will more often than

1:32:05

not laugh at Paige's tag to my joke

1:32:07

and not my joke which is

1:32:09

funny to me because it's clear he

1:32:12

just didn't hear my joke. It is.

1:32:14

ADHD is a bitch man. Anywho

1:32:16

she is having a sexy dream

1:32:18

about Hardin and wakes up goes

1:32:20

outside to find that Noah has

1:32:22

just showed up at school which

1:32:25

I'm like doesn't he have day

1:32:27

school? He's truant. He is a minor.

1:32:29

I thought that this was like a pre-planned

1:32:32

thing but I literally wrote in my notes

1:32:34

I was like why is Noah there? Doesn't

1:32:36

he have school in the morning? Like what

1:32:38

are we doing? That's a child ma'am. I

1:32:41

called your mom last night and

1:32:43

she said you were out at a late.

1:32:45

I came to school. I brought these

1:32:47

fingers and it just says like

1:32:50

10 and jacks because it's- Didn't

1:32:52

Jack feel good? It'd be like a seven three. Yeah

1:32:54

but it's not a king and a queen or

1:32:57

it could one just says ace and then low.

1:32:59

They're in marker. I

1:33:04

can be a badass bloom boy

1:33:06

tattoo monster too. You know the thing

1:33:09

is Noah probably will become a

1:33:11

version of this same level fuck

1:33:13

boy that Hardin is in three

1:33:16

short years. Absolutely not.

1:33:18

Noah is gonna become some sort

1:33:20

of realtor who wears khakis. And

1:33:23

that's fine for him and his future

1:33:25

wife and children that will do dances

1:33:27

on TikTok. Good for them.

1:33:29

Unfortunately in the post credit scene

1:33:31

Noah had died of lung cancer.

1:33:35

Even though he had never smoked before.

1:33:38

That's why he was so worried about her being at

1:33:40

the party. He was like one hookah can kill you.

1:33:43

Dare told me so. He died of

1:33:45

secondhand smoke which is what a

1:33:47

fucking poser deserves. No. God

1:33:50

he thought the poser hardens

1:33:52

the poser. Tragically he jerked off

1:33:54

so much that he went blind.

1:33:56

I don't think he's ever

1:33:58

touched himself. showed up to

1:34:01

her college to be like you forgot to take

1:34:03

your magic the gathering deck What a what a

1:34:06

visit people totally played in

1:34:08

the dorms. Oh, huh? Oh, you missed

1:34:10

our D&D call. I'm about to

1:34:13

give you that d20 girl. That's what

1:34:15

hardened would say. It's 20 centimeters That

1:34:18

would still be really long. I I

1:34:20

wouldn't know but it's like I don't

1:34:22

know man I thought it was pre-planned. He definitely

1:34:24

surprised her it was not well It might even pre-play

1:34:26

between him and the mom, but she was not in

1:34:28

on it. Yeah, okay Yeah, I mean how

1:34:30

far away does he live like anyway? It's

1:34:32

fine She treats him like shit

1:34:34

when they go out to the party and then

1:34:37

when he falls asleep She goes out and like

1:34:39

makes out with another dude. So it's fine. She's

1:34:41

a villain in her defense He did fall asleep

1:34:43

at 815 p.m Bedtime

1:34:47

after he ate his dino nuggies He had

1:34:49

drank his warm milk at the party and

1:34:51

they only had 45 minutes to tuck him

1:34:53

in Oh, that was the worst and there's

1:34:55

like nothing you could say to make like

1:34:58

here's what I will say And this might be

1:35:00

an unpopular opinion set an alarm

1:35:02

bitch. You didn't even have to get

1:35:04

caught. Sorry. That's terrible I'm bad person.

1:35:06

I'm sorry. No page. There's no way

1:35:09

he did not know she snuck out.

1:35:11

They're sharing a twin bed He's knocked

1:35:13

out. He's like no full asleep.

1:35:15

Well, yeah, because he has first

1:35:17

week alcohol tonight page Okay, no,

1:35:19

I mean like page. There's no way she

1:35:21

would have been able to sneak out She's

1:35:23

like they're like laying on top of each

1:35:25

other that bed so small So,

1:35:27

okay Originally they are like spooning and then when

1:35:30

she goes to answer the text she kind of

1:35:32

moves and he turns over and sleeps So they're

1:35:34

not like spooning but still at some point he's

1:35:36

gonna get up to go to the bathroom be

1:35:38

like where she yeah exactly Anyway,

1:35:41

yeah, I wish you would

1:35:43

touch below my chest You

1:35:47

could stick fingers and

1:35:49

all the tidy whities I'm

1:35:51

wearing all of them all of them

1:35:53

What are you joey in your underwear? Yeah,

1:35:56

and then doing lunges? What

1:35:58

are two other? banger finger

1:36:01

tattoos that would be fun. Law and

1:36:03

order? I honestly think an ace and a

1:36:05

joker would be good too. Oh

1:36:10

ace and joker would be good too.

1:36:12

What about, is an ace over sevens?

1:36:14

Is it a dead man's hand or

1:36:17

whatever? Hold on, that would be good.

1:36:19

Or just two dots would be like snake

1:36:21

eyes. Do you mind if

1:36:23

I give you a hiss? Ugh.

1:36:28

Anyway, so he shows up,

1:36:30

he's at the bonfire, and Harden gets in

1:36:32

like a weird fight over them playing Suck

1:36:34

and Blow, which I asked Jake, watch this

1:36:36

with me today, I was like, have you

1:36:38

ever actually played Suck and Blow? I've only

1:36:40

ever seen this in movies. I did, and

1:36:42

I played it in 10th grade. Yeah. Okay. It

1:36:45

was a high school game, for sure. I'm

1:36:47

the outlier, for sure. You know who plays Suck

1:36:50

and Blow is Noah and his friends.

1:36:52

I mean Noah does like, okay, so like, Jace,

1:36:55

this is Jace, the 40 year old

1:36:57

townie who just shows up. And is trying

1:36:59

to bang any and all of them. Exactly. But like

1:37:01

Jace gets the card on his lips

1:37:03

and then blows it so he is

1:37:06

supposed to kiss Tessa. Who, it's

1:37:08

like dude, pick one of the other girls, Tessa's

1:37:10

got a boyfriend there and the other guy. Like,

1:37:12

yeah, she's got her boyfriend here and

1:37:14

her side piece here, who is

1:37:16

currently like, got his hoodie up

1:37:18

hand in face, like very like

1:37:20

brooding. He's extra brooding. He's anakin-ing

1:37:22

out. Yes. He's anakin-ing out. Full

1:37:25

gloom core. Love it. He's

1:37:27

just singing Helena to himself

1:37:29

in his head right now.

1:37:31

Was the worst bit I

1:37:33

could say? You blew the

1:37:36

whole card away. I

1:37:38

think Noah's gay.

1:37:42

I think Noah's

1:37:44

gay. I think he might be gay. Honestly,

1:37:47

great twist, would love. Yeah. Would love.

1:37:49

Whatever. I don't think there's enough evidence

1:37:51

from this film, but. Me either. I

1:37:53

know. I think the second film should be like,

1:37:55

my name is Noah. I went off and joined

1:37:57

army and went off to war. I joined Greece.

1:38:00

Greenpeace and now I'm a man Rizzled

1:38:03

veteran Noah. Yeah, anyway, so

1:38:05

Harding gets all pissy about it and gets

1:38:07

in a fight and leave they go back

1:38:10

No, I fall asleep She gets attacked from

1:38:12

Landon because harden has freaked out because he

1:38:14

finds out that his dad is getting married

1:38:16

or whatever Yeah, he was already very

1:38:18

brooding and sad because his dad was dating

1:38:20

somebody and now they're getting married How dare

1:38:23

they how dare they and she has to like

1:38:25

talk hard and down but it's very clear that

1:38:27

like this is also a Jealousy

1:38:29

thing. Oh, yeah about him seeing her

1:38:31

and Noah. He's being a little petty

1:38:34

bitch, of course So they can noodle

1:38:36

all night. She falls asleep She doesn't

1:38:38

set an alarm mistake and she

1:38:40

gets up the next day and tries to get

1:38:42

back to the dorms and be like ha ha

1:38:44

ha Friend needed help all night all night Guess

1:38:48

which friend it was Noah. Oh, yeah.

1:38:50

Yeah the brooding guy from the party

1:38:52

who fought Jace for no reason And

1:38:56

that you know pretty much mr. Gonna

1:38:58

steal your girl the first six weeks of college. That's

1:39:01

who it is. Yeah, mr. Celia girl. Yeah.

1:39:03

Yeah So she and Noah break up she

1:39:05

goes into Her dorm

1:39:07

and and cuz she tells hard and like please

1:39:09

leave Noah was my best friend I was trying

1:39:11

to do this on my own timeline, but you

1:39:13

made this worse, right? She tells her roommate and

1:39:16

her mom text her and is like, please call

1:39:18

me cuz like Noah told me what happened And

1:39:20

what the fuck Noah done told on you? Yeah,

1:39:24

you're about to get called to the mommy principal's office.

1:39:27

I'm not gonna invite you to my birthday So

1:39:32

her mom is upset and she's not answering

1:39:34

her texts, right and she goes through like

1:39:36

a mini Montage of being

1:39:38

super depressed until she runs back into

1:39:40

harden and she's like Noah's my best

1:39:42

friend I feel terrible for what happened

1:39:44

But you are so much more than

1:39:46

a friend and I was like bitch

1:39:49

You just met him and he touched