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Now I just need to carve open this pumpkin

2:25

to make pie filling. Gah!

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Darling, there you are! Why

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are you in this pumpkin? It grew around

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me when I fell asleep in that corn maze. A

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all you grave robbers and hand

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jobbers. Welcome back to

2:50

Rude Tails of Magic, the

2:52

only podcast God fears.

2:55

I hope you're ready for a thrilling climax

2:57

to a four-year campaign. Hold

3:00

onto your butts,

3:00

because this is a medically thrilling

3:03

episode of podcast

3:05

excellence. And you can trust me, I'm

3:07

not just the host of Rude Tails

3:09

of Magic, I'm also the Surgeon

3:11

General.

3:12

All right, good luck. See

3:14

you on the other side. So

3:16

you see, Jannie, that's why you only pull the fire

3:21

alarm once a year. Because every time you use it you get

3:23

theิ scream, shriek, everything at once. The

3:25

only time you raise that alarm is when you

3:27

are preparing forop walks.

3:31

Yeah, I worship a great

3:33

thing. Emmanuel Shalom. Beautiful

3:41

amen. You only pull the

3:43

fire alarm once a year, because

3:46

otherwise you'll get a reputation and

3:48

they'll expect it coming. But if you only

3:50

do it once a year, it will always be

3:52

a delicious surprise for your friends,

3:54

peers, and teachers. Jannie looks

3:56

up at you, she's covered in whatever that shit that comes

3:59

out of the fire. fire alarms when you pull

4:01

it. She's covered in that and she like, she

4:03

nods. She tries to lick her face like Scooby-Doo,

4:05

but she's just, she doesn't have a cartoon tongue. It doesn't

4:07

work. She goes, ah! Well,

4:10

that's a good lesson. I'm gonna go wash my face.

4:13

She walks into her bathroom, leaving

4:16

you alone in her bedroom. Be careful.

4:19

She's such a good child, and I am

4:21

a really good guardian angel.

4:24

Cool room, too.

4:27

stir-fry walks over to her little desk

4:29

to see the homework she's been doing. Yeah,

4:33

you see her desk,

4:35

you see that she's been reading a bunch of

4:37

Peter Purity Private Eye novels.

4:39

They're just like all over the place. You

4:42

see homework. She gets great grades. You

4:45

see great, she has like folders. Everything's very neatly

4:47

organized, and you see her homework. It's

4:50

out everywhere. You even see,

4:53

she's been working on, she's

4:55

been writing in perfect, like

4:57

little kids sort of cursive when

4:59

you're first learning cursive. She's been trying

5:01

to write out an ending to the

5:05

Peter Purity and the Case of the Virtuous Banker.

5:07

Oh, this is good. Oh,

5:10

she's gonna be a writer. Oh, that's so

5:12

fun. My little Jenny, the writer.

5:14

And look, she even finds her writing with

5:18

Virginia.

5:21

Virginia stir-fry

5:23

looks at her window to see like somebody and

5:26

puts the pieces together of what that lake means and the

5:28

accent that he heard her use. You look also

5:30

your eyes dart to a calendar and the calendar

5:32

says 60 years ago. Oh my

5:35

god.

5:36

Virginia is my client. I'm

5:39

Virginia's guardian angel.

5:41

I'm the guardian angel, the person I killed?

5:43

Is that what? My

5:46

god, that's what you do. This

5:49

is why I'm too intimidated to actually talk to you when I'm up

5:51

there. You got a way of thinking about things.

5:55

I've got to make sure if he doesn't

5:58

meet me so

5:59

that I don't kill. her.

6:01

So

6:01

I've got to make sure

6:04

she isn't become the Virginia that I need."

6:06

The door creaks open and little Ginny with

6:08

the clean face walks in. What

6:10

are you saying out loud?

6:12

Ginny this is fan fiction and disrespectful

6:15

to the real writer. You shall not

6:17

write mysteries. You shall write histories.

6:21

She looks at you completely heartbroken.

6:30

Welcome back to Rude Tales of Magic.

6:32

We're in the homestretch now. Smoke

6:35

him if you got him. Not bothering

6:37

with a recap. This should not be your first

6:39

episode of Rude Tales of Magic, but I gotta say

6:42

if it is, I respect and fear

6:45

your Liv Moss attitude. In

6:47

many ways you are the ideal Rude

6:49

Tales listener. A huge idiot

6:52

who doesn't listen to anything or anybody.

6:54

I love you. The door

6:57

to Lexicon Matters office opens

7:00

and you see before you all of

7:02

it. All of it laid out. Fellow

7:05

this counts as familiar terrain

7:07

to you which would provide you numerous

7:09

tactical benefits if I hadn't burned my

7:11

players handbook for warmth during the early

7:13

days of Covid. You especially

7:16

can tell that this place has

7:18

been changed by Lexicon. The

7:21

entire room is now black and white.

7:24

Every piece of furniture seems to be alive bouncing

7:26

up and down pleasantly to the jazz music

7:29

that scores the office. The

7:31

Dean's familiar window looks

7:33

out on the campus and hell itself

7:36

he spins around in his enormous

7:39

leather chair and you see the

7:41

man plainly before you. That's not

7:43

the Dean you would be thinking if

7:45

you were stupid and thought the Dean would be. You

7:47

saw the Dean the last time. It's Lexicon Matters. He seems

7:52

like he would have once stood a measly

7:56

5'10 but his arms and legs stretch out

7:58

rubber-hosen.

7:59

Well, well, well, if

8:02

it isn't the prodigal students.

8:04

Bello sniffs the air. There's

8:06

been redecorations.

8:08

That's right. There's been a change in management.

8:11

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Lexicon

8:13

Matters. I'm Frederick de Bonesby.

8:16

Hello.

8:17

I'm Albie. I'm gonna stab

8:19

him or something.

8:20

Please, please. And he spreads

8:23

his arms out and he goes, please, you're welcome

8:25

to try. And his whole body turns into a large

8:27

target. Try me, stick

8:30

a knife in me. See what happens.

8:31

Albie reaches into like the

8:33

belt of her tunic. Mm-hmm.

8:36

And she pulls out a dart, which

8:39

we haven't seen her use in some time. And

8:41

she flinches and throws

8:43

it.

8:43

Yeah, make an athletics roll. Darts is a

8:46

sport.

8:46

Ooh,

8:50

it's over a 20.

8:50

Over a 20, you get a bullseye.

8:53

It hits right in the very center. The blood starts

8:55

squirting out everywhere in Lexicon. He gets a panic,

8:57

look on his face, no, no, what? It

8:59

wasn't supposed to be that simple. How anti-climactic.

9:02

Like what a waste of four years. No,

9:04

no, no. He just behaves to bleed out.

9:07

No, no, no, no. And from beside you,

9:09

you hear Lexicon crying and

9:11

he's just blowing his nose into

9:13

tissues. Oh no, what a terrible tragedy.

9:16

Isn't it awful that the man Lexicon Matters was killed?

9:18

Just kidding. You can't kill me. You can't

9:20

kill me at all. And he saws his own head off

9:22

and like throws it at you. And all

9:24

of you turn into bowling pins and he knocks

9:27

all of you over. And then

9:29

the bowling mechanism, I don't know what it's called, but I

9:31

know it to look at it. It collects all

9:33

of you and it dumps you into leather seats

9:36

in front of his desk. He wheels again, he

9:38

wheels around again in his leather seat and he says,

9:40

well, if we can dispense with that

9:42

nonsense, I'd like to offer you

9:45

a job.

9:45

Oh. Oh,

9:50

oh, oh. A job. Yeah,

9:52

it's a job. I'd like for all of you to work here

9:54

at Lexicon Matter School for the Brave. It

9:56

might be hard to juggle that responsibility. We

9:58

are all students actually. Well,

10:01

I think you've learned enough. I think you've had

10:03

an exciting and unforgettable summer.

10:06

I've been following you here on this little television.

10:08

Do you know what a television is? No. No, you wouldn't.

10:10

Haha, idiot. Hahahaha. What

10:14

is it? I'll show you. Okay.

10:17

A screen comes down and

10:19

you watch the Root Tales of Magic,

10:21

the Nelvana animated series. And

10:24

very patiently you watch, just like season

10:27

after season, oh it's critically acclaimed, as

10:30

voice actors really do, honestly a piss-poor

10:32

job of recreating you guys. And

10:35

just like repeated backgrounds passing. And you

10:37

see the Adventures of Olives, he goes, It's my favorite

10:39

show. He turns it off though,

10:41

but we haven't seen the last episode. Where all of you come

10:44

to the school and get jobs. What

10:45

the fuck? That's not what we're here to do.

10:47

You're here to do a lot of things. You've

10:50

been trying to do a lot of things this entire time. And

10:52

I'm trying right now to offer you

10:54

a job here. And

10:56

as he says that, a big neon sign with a

10:58

cartoon of Lexicon's face, it falls

11:01

from the ceiling. And an enormous, uh,

11:03

I'll say a thing on pink cursive letters

11:06

it reads, Congratulations, you suddenly

11:08

find yourselves on a stage. And there's a studio

11:10

audience of tiny Lexicon matters. And they're

11:12

all just cheering and whistling and hooting

11:14

and hollering for all of you. Lexicon matters.

11:17

The real one, he walks towards you, he has slicked

11:19

back hair now in a large boxy sort

11:21

of 80s style suit. He's

11:24

got a long thin television mic. And we,

11:27

the audience at home, we now,

11:29

we see you on grainy old TV footage

11:31

as you're all handed an enormous novelty

11:33

check that says a job on

11:35

it. The real life, Bello, Albie,

11:38

Cordelia and Freddie watch on a small TV

11:40

in a bar in Providence, Rhode Island. And their eyes light

11:42

up and they grab each other's shoulders and they go,

11:44

That's us! Hey, that's us! That's so cool. Wow.

11:48

That's us. Wow. We never see them again. But

11:51

we see again on the TV screen is Lexicon.

11:53

He forces a pen into your hands and he tries

11:55

to guide your hands to sign the large contract

11:58

and it's dense with microscopic.

12:00

Wait, you didn't even tell us what the job is. It's

12:03

my teachers! I want you to be professors,

12:05

all of you, your own experts in your field. Just

12:07

sign this and we'll deal with all of that

12:10

gobbledygook, that legal nonsense

12:12

afterwards. I mean, yeah, what are the terms? Oh

12:15

my god, the terms are incredible. You can ten your... You're...

12:18

You are... You know what? Why

12:20

don't you just let me explain? Down here we

12:22

hear that bell. Why had to ring the thing I couldn't tell? Down here no

12:24

rules. Down here we hear that bell. Why

12:26

had to ring the thing I couldn't tell? Down

12:28

here no rules. Apply. It's amazing

12:31

how this feels. God! I'm telling

12:38

you, you're next to me. You're next to

12:40

me. You're

12:46

next to me. You're

12:51

next to me. I'm

12:59

telling you, you're next

13:01

to me. You're

13:04

next to me. You're

13:11

next to me.

13:13

You're

13:16

next to me.

13:19

You're

13:26

next to me. You're

13:32

next to me. You're

13:40

next to me.

13:44

You're next to me.

13:46

You're

13:48

next to me. You

14:00

had every grid I'll get you

14:02

ready to move You're

14:04

thrown by heavy stuff on HCA,

14:07

how does it work? Do

14:09

what I say, then I'll see your phone

14:12

gets better, it works out I'll be my

14:14

friend, I'll teach you some of

14:16

the new rubrics Gonna be my

14:18

friend, drink

14:20

on the hot dog to the floor room Gonna

14:22

be

14:22

my friend, don't you make me shit

14:25

through all the time I'm

14:27

exploring, if you see

14:29

me, I'm exploring Hurry up! I'm

14:32

exploring, I'm exploring I'm

14:36

exploring, I'm exploring I'm killing the rumor

14:38

of a boy or a girl I'm murdering the viewers on a tiny

14:40

robot in the middle of a sea of contracts I'm

14:43

exploring

14:49

You're

14:52

back in the office, uh, Lexicon is breathing

14:54

heavily You

14:56

guys want Wonderwall? Um,

14:59

no, the thing

15:01

is, Lexicon, can I call you Lexicon? Please,

15:04

please, Lexicon matters with

15:06

my father's name Okay, great

15:08

I'm lying, I haven't a father Oh,

15:11

sorry That's okay, how'd you do that?

15:14

I ate him Oh, well, so

15:16

your daughter wasn't your first meal?

15:18

No, my daughter wasn't my first meal, my daughter was the last

15:21

meal My daughter was the meal I got caught for, and

15:23

those small-minded fools They drew me

15:25

and they quartered me, extending my limbs

15:27

out infinitely And as he does that, his limbs

15:30

stretch and stretch and stretch and fill the

15:32

room You're just full of limbs, they flatten,

15:35

and they become the rings of a boxing ring And

15:38

now you guys are all in the corner, and he's

15:40

putting little tiny Lexicon matters They're

15:42

putting towels around your shoulders,

15:45

and they're sort of training you And they're just

15:47

saying like, oh yeah, no, it was terrible, it was terrible

15:49

what they did to me They drew, they drew me, they quartered

15:51

me, they drew me, they quartered me It's the champ,

15:53

and everyone gets quiet, and a big

15:56

muscular Lexicon matters Walks

15:58

out and he takes a few practice swings And he looks

16:00

at you and he says, so what do you say? We're gonna sign that contract?

16:03

Where are we fighting? I thought, yeah, I thought this was a negotiation.

16:05

I'm just saying, I'm ready to fight. If you want to fight, if you want

16:07

to make it a fight, I can make it a fight. No, hold on, hold on, hold

16:09

on. The thing is, we're not signing anything because

16:12

we're not signing as a foursome. We're a fivesome.

16:15

Oh, buddy, that trip has sailed. Your friend's

16:17

not here. What do you mean? He's not

16:19

in hell. Of course he is. He died.

16:22

Yeah, he's seen so much. Oh, he's like the advance

16:24

team. Take a look at this. Another

16:27

screen comes down, but this one, it's made of clouds.

16:30

And you see, and there's a little in the corner, it

16:32

says Hellcam. And you see the bottom of

16:35

Surfry's feet and you're just sort of like looking up

16:37

at him. And he was just, you

16:39

see him walking around in heaven and you

16:41

see an angel sort of like walking him around

16:43

and just being like, okay, so yeah, this is

16:45

the guardian angel program.

16:47

Oh, that's fantastic. And so can anyone join? Do

16:50

I have to be invited in or have

16:52

to apply in an application, write a long

16:55

essay about why I think this is a good one? No,

16:57

no, you're automatically in the, you need to do

16:59

the guardian angel program. Oh, that's fantastic. You

17:02

got to, I mean, you're in, but you know, to really be

17:04

in, you got to sort of earn your wings. Oh,

17:06

I get to earn, I have to earn wings. I have to earn wings.

17:08

Well, you have wings, but to get the, you know, the wings. Right.

17:11

Okay. And so I can have any wings I want. Should

17:14

I, should I do well in this program? You

17:16

pick them now and we give them to you and you become a guardian

17:18

angel. Any wings you want. I can pick

17:21

any wings I want.

17:22

There is no limit. Fly. I

17:24

want fly wings. And if you

17:26

want to take a minute and think about it. I want the wings of a fly.

17:29

If you want any other way. Translucent, kind

17:31

of an ovular wing, like an egg got stretched

17:34

out. Also, did I say translucent? He turns

17:36

the TV off and goes on and on like that

17:38

for minutes, minutes of riffing. Get

17:40

him back. That was her friend's stir fry. He

17:43

went to heaven? He went to

17:44

heaven. That's it. That's, there's no way that's real, but

17:46

there's also no way you could have made that up. That

17:48

was definitely stir fry. He's

17:51

in heaven.

17:52

What? So, you know, your friends not here. It's

17:54

just the four of you. Why don't you just sign the paper

17:56

and get the 10 year. Come on. Let's be real here. Come

17:59

on.

17:59

We're here to do. What are you here to

18:02

do? We're

18:02

here to bring this school back. That's not gonna

18:04

happen,

18:05

so why don't you just work at the school? Well,

18:07

what about all the other students? What about all the

18:09

students that were here when the

18:11

school came to hell? They're being punished!

18:13

What do you fucking want

18:14

from me? Why are they being punished? Because I don't

18:17

like them, but I like you guys. I'm offering

18:19

you a chance to work at the school. What the fuck is wrong

18:21

with you? And he's getting angry and his hair is

18:23

getting...it's starting to fall down in his face. It's just

18:26

slicked back. And he's got a single strand

18:28

of hair coming down the middle of his face to signify

18:30

insanity. And he's just...just fucking...just

18:33

sign the contract! Can we see the students you're punishing?

18:37

You wanna see the students? Yeah. He

18:40

opens his door and you see a hallway of students

18:42

just screaming. They're hanging up by knee hooks

18:44

and they're just screaming. It's this fucking Texas Chainsaw

18:46

Massacre. Oh, me. He's

18:48

seeing wound in Albie's stomach. It

18:51

burns.

18:51

And her

18:53

eyes suddenly light up

18:56

and she remembers that they were

18:58

told that the thing that Lexicon

19:00

matters to him that is so important

19:02

to him is on a silver platter.

19:04

And she's still looking for

19:06

his daughter's head. Yeah, you see it. It's sitting

19:08

on the desk. The silver platter...now you

19:11

put the lid of it back on, so you see the lidded

19:13

silver platter back on the desk. Okay.

19:16

He's pacing around the room. He's doing the keep on

19:18

trucking, just like extremely long legs walking

19:20

around the room and everything. It's so simple.

19:22

You just sign the contract or you can go into the meat hook hallway.

19:25

What is it? You got two choices. It's

19:27

extremely simple. It's for me? If it were

19:29

me, if it were me, I would do the good one. I would do the

19:31

nice one. I would take the job. But if you wanna go

19:33

in the meat hook hallway, be my guest. Well

19:35

I don't wanna spend any time in the meat hook hallway. Then

19:37

you're gonna sign the contract. Is this all about? Well what

19:40

I'm gonna say is that a good classmate of mine,

19:42

Troy, has my favorite pen. So

19:44

if we could go find Troy, I could just get my pen

19:46

and then I'll sign with that. No

19:49

no no no no no. This is not my first rodeo buddy. You're

19:51

not going into the meat hook hallway and escaping me. You're

19:53

using this golden pen, this very important

19:55

golden pen of mine, and you're gonna sign this contract right now or

19:57

I'm gonna fucking kill you. I'm gonna slit your throat and-

21:50

all

22:00

of my student minions. You

22:02

get bored? Sorry. You get bored?

22:05

No, no, fuck it! What were you gonna say? The points of Freddie.

22:07

Oh. Hahahaha. I'm

22:09

a maybe at this point. Fred!

22:12

My man! And at that, the contract

22:14

changes, and it just says Frederick to Bonesby,

22:16

Frederick to Bonesby, Frederick to Bonesby, like, gets a

22:18

million dollars, Frederick to Bonesby, uh,

22:20

anything he wants, Frederick to Bonesby. Your

22:22

wish here. Uh, and the contract

22:25

itself, it forms a paper mache, Frederick

22:27

to Bonesby, that walks over to you and

22:29

says, sign the paper, big boy! I

22:32

would like to speak

22:35

with counsel and have them take

22:37

a look at the specifics of

22:39

court. That can be arranged! And at that, a lawyer,

22:42

Lexicon Matters, appears next to

22:44

you. Uh, he's wearing like a rumpled,

22:46

sort of like Ralph Nader suit. And he

22:48

says, uh, okay, um, yeah, I mean, the way I see

22:50

it, as long as you didn't talk. Uh, did you

22:52

talk? Did you talk to them without me? Never

22:55

do that. Don't touch the cops, okay? They're

22:57

trying to get your fingerprints. Oh. They're just trying to get your

22:59

fingerprints. That's all it is. They don't care if you're thirsty.

23:01

They don't care if you're thirsty. Don't talk without me here. Let me just

23:03

look at this contract. Hmm, looks good. I'd

23:06

sign

23:06

it.

23:07

Oh, you're talking about a police

23:09

interaction. Yes, yeah. I thought

23:12

you meant this. I was thinking this. Oh,

23:14

I'm jumping all over the place, buddy. And at that, he

23:16

changes, uh, once again, and

23:18

he becomes like a, sort of like a host of masterpiece

23:20

theater. He goes, is this more to your liking?

23:23

Unless he was your language. Oh, thank you.

23:25

Yes, so I am concerned about some red line items

23:28

that I think we might want to introduce here. Mm-hmm. But,

23:31

you know, nothing here is being stated about

23:33

what's being asked of me. Um, what

23:36

I might be obliged to give.

23:38

There's plenty of rewards, certainly, but... What

23:40

did it- You know, I think it's safe

23:43

to say you should just sign the paper and let that

23:45

be that. And Freddie like blinks

23:47

and like, kind of like fights off

23:50

like a little like pea-sized headache and his

23:52

fingerprints. No,

23:53

you're the other party in the contract. No,

23:55

I can't talk to you about

23:57

it. That doesn't make any sense. That's why- There's a whole-

24:00

The damn thing doesn't make any sense.

24:02

No, this school has the finest

24:04

spellcrafting library on

24:06

the planet. It should be restored to Cordelia.

24:09

That is what I am here to do. I could make you the sole

24:11

benefactor of that library. You could be the only

24:13

one who could go in there. I could do that very easily.

24:16

All

24:16

you have to do is sign up a dotted line. It's

24:17

so simple.

24:20

I can. You know what? Fuck it. Get

24:23

him, boys. And with that, all of the marble busts that were lining

24:25

this very elegant library where you were sitting,

24:27

this sort of like TV library set where

24:29

he was sitting with you, they begin

24:32

rumbling and they stand up and you

24:34

see their entire marble bodies and they walk

24:36

towards you like automatons. You're not

24:38

negotiating in good faith. I

24:41

don't do anything in good faith, my friend. And at that,

24:43

he grabs the golden pen and slams it through

24:45

your hand. And he tries to

24:48

manipulate your hand to make you sign your own signature

24:51

on the line. He's moving your hand getting closer

24:53

and closer to the contract. Bello runs to Lexicon

24:55

Matter's desk and he's going to go and lift

24:58

the lid off the silver platter. As

25:00

soon as you do that, Lexicon shouts, get him, get him. Get

25:02

him. Get him who? Get

25:04

him who? Uh, bus boys. And all of the

25:07

the busts, they begin flexing and

25:09

they're built. They're much, they're much stronger than you, Bello.

25:12

Impossible. Charging somehow, somehow. Welcome

25:14

to hell, buddy. They begin charging towards

25:17

you and they restrain you and they grab

25:19

you. And I need you to make a strength saving throw. That's

25:23

a 12. That's a 12? That's

25:25

not enough. It's not enough to best animate marble. Yeah.

25:29

They restrain you and one of them very gently

25:31

puts the lid back on the tray. Now they

25:33

have you, the marble busts, they have you and

25:35

they're just sort of wrestling you and grappling

25:37

you and like a brassy

25:40

rendition of you must have been a beautiful baby plays.

25:42

It's just like it's hot, dude. It's

25:45

a lot of hard bodies. Bello!

25:47

Albie, help. These strong busts are restraining

25:49

me. Oh yeah.

25:59

Let me go. No, no, no, stay down. Um,

26:03

Albie says, oh no, and

26:05

blood starts gushing

26:07

from her nose, flooding the

26:10

room. It is filling the room more

26:13

and more rapidly as she

26:16

takes in the horniest thing she

26:18

has ever seen. Uh, yeah, the blood

26:20

just fills and fills and it is just

26:22

shooting out of, uh, out of your nose and

26:24

it just fills and fills and fills and fills the room

26:27

until we, uh, we zoom out and we see you now, you're

26:29

all in a blender. You're all in a large blender

26:31

that's just like filling up with blood and,

26:34

uh, Lexicon Matters, uh,

26:36

sort of affecting Julia Child. He

26:38

walks over and goes, oh, hello, and now

26:40

it's time to, I'm really doing more squeezes chef

26:43

here, I'm just gonna commit to that. Pretty

26:45

goody. Time to click the blender. And he, uh,

26:48

he presses a button on the blender and all

26:50

of you begin spinning around

26:52

faster and faster and faster and you find

26:54

yourself now in a bleeding world.

26:56

I'm sorry. That's

26:58

all right, it got the pen out of my hand.

27:01

Um, Albie starts trying to swim against

27:03

the tide of this world

27:04

pool. Albie, you are fighting your

27:06

own bullying and if any listener

27:08

knows that's impossible, you're gonna win

27:10

that. Are you kidding me? No,

27:13

you, no, you're just, you're swimming against

27:15

the tide and you're going back further and further

27:17

and further. You can't do it. You're not strong enough.

27:20

Albie realizes that there

27:22

is still like a jet stream

27:24

of blood coming out of each nostril

27:27

and she just tucks her chin and tries

27:31

to use it as a propulsion for

27:34

a spello.

27:34

Yeah, a rousing, uh, rendition

27:37

of Rule Britannia plays as you

27:39

turn into a battleship and you just like, you

27:41

are now flying across and you are, you are

27:43

sailing over to, to bellow. Oh! It's

27:46

okay! Are you sure? Um,

27:51

she's going

27:54

to extend both arms, one trying

27:56

to hook bellow, the other is reaching for that

27:58

silver platter.

27:59

Okay, great, you're getting closer and closer

28:02

to the Silver Platter, and then tiny Lexicon

28:04

Matters kamikaze planes, they

28:06

just begin dive bombing you, and

28:09

you're just like King Kong on top of the Empire

28:11

State Building, and there's all... She wins, right?

28:14

Ah, well, you know, stay tuned! They're

28:17

just, they're firing at you, they're just exploding

28:20

into you, and your tiny Lexicon Matters

28:22

just cackling, going, hahaha, die, die,

28:24

die! She's

28:25

still going forward, she's gritting her

28:27

teeth, and she is still reaching

28:30

forward, trying to get fellow, trying

28:32

to get the Silver

28:32

Platter. Meanwhile, Cordelia, where

28:35

are you in this? I know you're connected to Albie. Cordelia

28:37

was still attached to Albie by the rapier,

28:40

and the rapier has extended and gone

28:42

slack in his now, she's now, uh...

28:44

Yeah, Cordelia waterscuse

28:46

behind Albie, uh, using the rapier

28:49

as a... A line.

28:50

Whee, yeah, you hit a wave! Yeah, you're just

28:52

like, you're having a great little time back there! Meanwhile,

28:55

Albie, you need to make a strength roll to see if you can reach Belo. Okay.

28:58

Uh, fourteen. Fourteen? That's pretty good!

29:01

Okay! Not good enough, though, because you get an enormous

29:03

iceberg shaped like Lexicon Matters.

29:05

You

29:11

can throw it up, and you just keep

29:13

going down, and down, and down.

29:14

And then a tiny Lexicon Matters on top

29:17

of the iceberg just begins to hacklin', and he's shooting

29:19

lightning out of his fingertips, I'm the most

29:21

magic man who ever moved! Ha ha

29:23

ha! But you are a working man,

29:25

and then Belo is going to reach into

29:28

his pocket, and

29:29

he's going to pull out a broken puka

29:31

shell necklace. And he says to himself,

29:34

Forgive me, time to go back

29:36

to the old me. And he's gonna try

29:39

and cast On the Clock, a vacationism

29:41

spell. What does that do? Joe,

29:43

I completely forgot! Branson,

29:47

Lexicon Matters will have to succeed on a charisma

29:49

saving throw, and if he fails, you

29:51

must spend the next fifteen minutes

29:54

trying to get as far away from Belo as

29:56

possible, because Lexicon Matters will be on

29:58

break. Okay, great!

29:59

What does he have to hit?

30:01

That

30:04

was an 18. I'm

30:06

sorry. That would have been cool. Danny,

30:10

come on.

30:11

So at that lexicon key,

30:14

you know what though somewhere

30:14

a DM is like that was a good idea. And

30:16

so what happens is lexicon

30:19

goes timeout and at that everything

30:21

disappears and you guys find yourself all of you

30:23

now in a break room like in an office somewhere. Lexicon

30:27

he he makes coffee. He goes, how's it going?

30:29

Albie reaches behind her to see if Cordelia

30:31

is still there. Still

30:32

there. Everyone's back in their original forms. Albie,

30:34

do you need like some juice? Why? You

30:37

nose bled a lot. Yeah,

30:38

that was a pretty big one. Um,

30:41

no, I'm okay. I'd like

30:43

to bring this school back. Sure.

30:45

I mean, look, I got a lot

30:47

of things I'd like to do too, but I'm on break right

30:49

now. Okay. Oh, perfect. Cordelia

30:51

pulls the rapier out of her chest and stabs lexicon

30:54

matters. Oh no.

30:56

No.

30:59

How? But we were on break. They're

31:03

home rules in hell, buddy. You're

31:06

right. Even the rules that would kill

31:08

me and I pulled the rapier out and

31:10

blood is like pulling in his eyes and he just cries

31:13

tears of joy. He says, I can't be killed.

31:16

I can't be killed at all. And he stabbed himself

31:18

in the head with the rapier over and over and over again

31:20

as blood just pours out. And then you hear

31:22

a thing. He goes, oh, breaks over. All

31:25

of you are again in the sea of blood and he's

31:27

standing atop the iceberg cackling saying,

31:29

I'm the most magic man who ever lived.

31:33

I defy God to strike me down.

31:35

Oh, look, no one's doing it. Lightning

31:38

starts. And he does a little like

31:40

iris jig, just like maybe some like you both to lightning bolt.

31:42

He goes, too slow. God Frederick

31:45

is desperate to get out of this world pool of blood

31:48

and he thinks that I'll turn

31:50

to gas rise above it. He'll never

31:52

notice a cloud. And instinctively,

31:54

Frederick goes to reach into his pouch

31:57

full of components and grab the necessary piece

31:59

of blood. gauze that he needs to

32:01

perform the spell and instead

32:04

pulls out a handful of rubies. No,

32:06

not this, not rubies, not a

32:09

dollop of gum arabic, no, not metal

32:11

shavings. And then these

32:14

are the components

32:16

from spells before I became a lich.

32:18

These are my... And then he

32:20

thinks, he's like, hi.

32:22

No, no, what's to happen?

32:26

And then he looks at

32:28

lexicon and begins to

32:31

cast planar binding,

32:33

which will allow him to bind

32:36

a demon to freddy's will. This

32:40

is a level nine

32:42

spell. Level nine? Yes.

32:45

And it's about to fuck the whole camp. Oh, damn, I should

32:47

look in that book. What the fuck? Yeah, so

32:49

Freddy says the terrible magic

32:51

words crushing a fist-sized

32:54

jewel in his hand. And

32:56

you have to beat Freddy's spell DC

32:59

as he was as a man, as a level 20 wizard,

33:01

which is 18. 18, I

33:05

gotta beat an 18. Beat an 18. Do I have

33:07

anything I can add to that? It's gonna straight up beat

33:09

an, it's not like a charisma modifier. That's

33:12

like, for example, if you were fighting right now, maybe an

33:14

insanely min max charisma guy.

33:17

Yeah, you could add a plus four to that. Okay.

33:20

Chris,

33:21

you almost had him.

33:23

Oh, you did. You got a 19? Oh, no! Oh,

33:25

I see. All right, very powerful. Oh,

33:28

but it's a 19 is close. I

33:32

mean, like he got really close. You like,

33:35

you cast the spell and you see a moment as

33:38

he stops shooting the lightning and

33:40

one of the lightning bolts coming from God, it strikes

33:42

his foot and he don't, he don't, he

33:45

grabs his foot and

33:47

he gets smaller and smaller and smaller.

33:50

And the world, this sort of like whirlpool

33:52

reality around you, it just, it

33:54

all drains away and you see a drain

33:56

on the office floor. Is it all subsided? You

33:58

guys are back in his office. grabbing his foot going, fuck!

34:01

Ouch! Yes. Hello, everyone.

34:05

It turns out with my body restored, still

34:07

has my entire old brain, and all

34:09

the old tricks are in there. Okay, well,

34:11

no cheating. No cheating, okay? From now

34:13

on, starting now, starting now,

34:15

we have to play by the rules. What rules? Well,

34:18

if you sign the contract, you'll see. No! And

34:21

again, the contract unfurls right in front of you, and he

34:23

moves his hand in front of you to sign. Sign?

34:27

Sign the contract. And we, like, batched

34:29

his hand, and they're like... Oh, come on! Hold on a

34:31

second, you two. Cordelia, you pulled the

34:33

rapier out, are you still connected?

34:36

Bello, you're looking at us, we're standing next

34:37

to each other. Oh...

34:39

Nice

34:41

try, Bello. And a dunce cap forms

34:44

on you, and he goes, but you're not the smartest apple in

34:46

the class, are you? And you find yourself

34:48

now in a chair facing the corner, away

34:51

from everyone else, as Lexicon dances

34:54

around you playing the fiddle, saying,

34:56

geez, the slowest boy in the world! I haven't had

34:58

to do this in weeks. Ah,

35:02

he's the slowest

35:04

boy in class, a thing worth making fun of,

35:06

I'm evil. Alright, so Freddy

35:09

starts to twist his fingers around in ornate

35:11

configurations, and then locks. He

35:14

says,

35:14

the rules, the rules.

35:16

There's an order of initiative. What? I

35:19

can't go yet. I already

35:21

went.

35:22

What are you talking about, Freddy?

35:23

It's the rules. He's right. Freddy

35:27

has to take their turn in combat. Wait,

35:29

we've never done that. Well, there's a first

35:31

time for everything. Why not right

35:33

now? Let's start paying attention to the rules. Everybody

35:36

roll a 20-sided die. Where

35:38

am I gonna get that? Right here, and you see

35:40

a 20-sided die appears in your hand. Oh, it's

35:42

blue. Blue for Bello.

35:45

I got a 22. Pretty

35:47

good. You must hate me. I

35:50

do! I got a 14. You

35:53

must dislike me. Mm-hmm.

35:55

I got a 7, and then it just became a 10. A 7,

35:58

and it became a 10? You must... feel

36:00

rather neutral about me, but you're fast.

36:03

Yeah. And

36:06

as for you, Bone Boy, what'd you get? Fire crackles

36:08

inside of Freddy's hands and then poofs

36:12

in a puff of cloud that says five. And

36:15

he looks down and he's rolled a two and he goes, Well,

36:17

I'm having fun here, to be honest. I'm

36:19

having a good time with you guys. That's why I got

36:22

a two when I rolled. And he looks at Albie and he says, You're

36:24

moved. And you can't do anything while

36:26

I'm moving? No. I mean, I can, yeah,

36:28

what? Actually, yes,

36:30

I can do, I can take an active opportunity, but

36:33

yeah, go for it.

36:34

Okay. She's

36:36

gonna like just keep eye contact

36:38

with him and walk over to the desk to

36:40

the Silver Platter. Well,

36:41

don't do that. Don't do that. But it's my turn.

36:44

Oh, fuck. And you see the Silver Platter

36:46

sitting in front

36:46

of me. Would you like to take an action?

36:49

Yes, I'd like to. I believe that's until

36:50

the game is supposed to go. This is incredible.

36:54

I would like to open the Silver

36:56

Tray.

36:56

Albie. Yes.

36:59

You see

37:00

Lexicon's daughter. You

37:02

don't know her name, but you see her head on a

37:04

Silver Platter. She's also black and

37:06

white, just like her dad. The family resemblance

37:08

is so stark as to be uncreative.

37:11

Was there even a mother involved? Not the

37:13

kind of world building that interests me. Virgins!

37:16

She has a flapper bob and enormous

37:18

clairabaux eyes. She blinks coquettishly

37:20

at you as her expression darkens.

37:23

She smiles devilishly and she projectile

37:26

vomits neon green acid all

37:28

over you. An aggressive rendition

37:31

of Powerhouse begins playing as the fork

37:33

and knife on the plate begins sharpening each other. Are

37:35

these utensils her hands?

37:38

They are! The answer to the question is yes,

37:41

buddy. Yes. She rolls. Ah, 14.

37:45

Oh, that's a tie with me. Yeah, that's a tie with

37:47

Delos. These are little tie breakers.

37:50

And a 4. 20. Okay.

37:51

What happened to Albie's

37:54

face with the

37:54

outfit? It melts away and you're a skeleton

37:56

just like the bones be. Oh, looking

37:59

good.

37:59

Holy shit! No! Cordelia

38:02

tries to move. Mm-hmm. And

38:04

she's like, trying to take an action. You're

38:06

trying to take an action, but you can't! Because it's

38:08

Lexicon Matters' daughter's turn.

38:10

And she goes, No, why did you come and see

38:12

me sometime? And she, uh,

38:15

the fork and knife, they extend out

38:17

and they become like, large, like,

38:19

bear claws. And they're gonna take a swipe

38:21

at Cordelia. Oh! Cordelia,

38:23

what's your AC? Oh, I got

38:25

a 14. Oh! Rolling

38:28

really well. They take a huge swipe at you for

38:31

five damage. Oh, shit! It

38:33

just, like, cuss into you. It's just like, it's

38:35

got fur and flesh and blood. And it

38:37

goes flying everywhere. And she cackles. She

38:39

goes, I'm even moist in my daddy! Fuck!

38:42

Uh, it is Belo's turn. Belo

38:45

runs over to the bones beat. Belo,

38:47

uh, talk. Belo! Belo, Belo,

38:49

Belo! Belo! Belo! Freddie,

38:52

Freddie, Freddie. Uh, Belo runs

38:54

over to the bones beat. Fred, eh? Do you still

38:56

have a lot of that big magic? Only the best.

38:58

As a spinulator, I can channel magic.

39:02

Can you use me as a vessel to deliver that magic

39:04

to Lexicon? Don't look at me, Han! I

39:07

don't know, but we can try. And Freddie

39:10

smacks Belo across the shoulders, sending

39:12

him spinning. Whoa! Whoa!

39:16

Faster. Faster! I'm doing

39:18

it! Make it dizzy! Belo spins

39:21

at what? Yes, dizzying

39:23

speed. Wizards at home throw up as they watch Belo spin.

39:25

They can't focus on

39:27

him. But you've seen him spinulate in Cordelia.

39:30

On Hell, he's spinning even more

39:32

dizzyingly. Even to Lexicon matters. Why,

39:35

uh, it's too much. Belo, you're spinning

39:37

and spinning. You are going so fast. Lexicon, he can't keep

39:39

up with you. And Belo, you reach through spinning. Suddenly,

39:44

you are perfectly still. The world

39:46

spins around

39:47

you. Hell spins on the

39:49

axis of Belo. Belo, you hear

39:51

crystal clear in your mind, to Bonsi's

39:54

voice. I've granted you a time stop,

39:56

Belo. Use it well.

39:59

Oh my god,

40:01

I finally entered the spin force. HAHAHAHA!

40:05

Jesus Christ! This

40:08

is it, this is the moment, and Bello draws

40:11

the blade of Nightmare's kiss. See

40:13

the last issue of Root Tales of Adventures,

40:16

dear readers. Dash Ed, with

40:19

Hell frozen around him. He

40:21

thought it would never happen. Bello

40:24

crosses to the desk. He

40:26

stands over the platter and he plunges

40:29

his magic blade

40:31

into the skull of Lexicon

40:33

Matter's daughter. The blade goes

40:36

into her skull.

40:38

Her skull splits.

40:40

Time comes back all at once because

40:43

she screams. She goes, NO! NO!

40:46

NO! And she pauses and she blows a little kiss to the audience.

40:48

She says, see in the funny papers! Before

40:51

she just, she poof!

40:53

And she's gone. Time

40:55

comes back very slowly.

40:57

A single

40:59

painting of

40:59

the original Dean that has been with

41:02

Sharpie, exed out. It

41:04

falls and it shatters. Lexicon

41:06

looks at it and goes, NO! NO! NO,

41:10

that's wrong! This shouldn't be happening! HAHA!

41:12

NO! NO! Stop!

41:15

Bring her back! Bring her back! He points

41:17

and goes, bring her back! Unstab her! Unstab

41:20

my daughter! I don't have to do

41:21

anything yet. Sorry, I think it's my turn. What

41:23

the fuck? And Cordelia's

41:25

like, I have a feeling this is gonna go

41:27

really well down here. And she rubs her

41:29

hands together and she casts burning

41:32

hands and the flame

41:34

just engulfs the whole room. The

41:36

real light comes. It is just like

41:38

dry wood. Everything burns

41:40

up. Significant men. We

41:42

just see like a montage of like newspaper

41:45

headlines that he had framed of like Lexicon Matters

41:47

takes the school back from the Lexicon daily.

41:49

We just like all of those like pictures of Lexicon.

41:53

His daughter, pictures of him kicking the original

41:55

Dean in the ass and like chaining him up just out

41:57

of reach of his wife. Those all burn

41:59

up. Everything burns up and you

42:01

find yourself now in this like ashen wasteland.

42:04

It's everything. Everything burns up

42:07

and Lexicon looks at you and goes, no!

42:10

No! No! My

42:12

empire! No! How

42:14

could this... And he looks at the Bonesby and he goes, it's your turn!

42:19

And the Bonesby looks at Cordelia and he says, that's the

42:21

only student I'm ever going to have and

42:24

then the Bonesby casts weird.

42:28

The Bonesby jumps into Lexicon

42:31

matters head, searches around

42:33

in his mind like it's a garbage can looking

42:35

for his deepest, darkest nightmare

42:38

fear. So as soon as you jump into Lexicon's head,

42:40

it's just like you are just in a sea of

42:42

little Lexicon. It's just like an ocean of like

42:44

Lexicons. It's just like a rising ebb

42:46

and flow tide of just Lexicon, Lexicon, Lexicon, Lexicon,

42:49

Lexicon, Lexicon. There's just banana peels. It's

42:51

the Pacific garbage patch of just like trash

42:53

and waste and detritus. It's just like, it's

42:56

disgusting. It smells like shit in here.

42:59

It's like a pitch black sun that's just cackling at you

43:01

and it's Lexicon's skull. It's like, I'm crazy!

43:05

And you see a plastic bag and

43:08

on it in Sharpie is written, worst fear. Frederick

43:10

has effortlessly summoned

43:13

an old-timey diving suit around him and

43:15

then he sees the sun and then with a snap of his

43:17

fingers pops on ivory

43:20

white sunglasses and he strolls

43:22

over to the bag and he grabs the bag

43:25

and pops back out of Lexicon's head

43:27

and then opens it up in front of everybody.

43:30

And out crawl all of you. All

43:32

of you, you disintegrate. Albie, your

43:35

skeletonized face, it disintegrates. All of you

43:37

disintegrate as the real yous crawl out

43:39

of the bag. And Lexicon

43:42

is getting smaller and smaller and he's trembling

43:44

and he's trembling and he looks up at you

43:46

with big baby eyes. He goes, please? No!

43:50

No! I! I!

43:53

I! I! I!

43:56

I! I! I!

43:59

I! true fear. He had been mocking it before

44:02

to try to like fuck with you, but this time he's actually afraid.

44:04

The color returns to his eyes.

44:07

They go from pale gray to pale blue.

44:10

The evilest eye color. Honestly though,

44:12

they are beautiful. He's screeds. He's

44:14

a good looking guy. I gotta admit, he's screeds.

44:18

And you see a wide shot of lexicon. Color

44:20

is filling up his entire body, like the mercury

44:23

on a thermometer sticking out of a sick

44:25

man's mouth. No! No!

44:27

No! What a world! What a world! It's

44:29

a big reference you wouldn't get, but it was a world!

44:31

What a world! He screams as his long arms

44:34

and legs are pulled back into his body at fellow

44:36

dizzying speed. For a brief

44:39

moment, you see him as he was in life before

44:41

his limbs continued to be pulled into him.

44:43

His head is pulled into himself. Now his neck,

44:46

now his dick, now his chest, now

44:48

his everything. He's collapsing

44:50

in on himself like a dying star. Before

44:52

he dies, you hear him shout from

44:55

deep within himself, I never

44:57

got to ride the movies!

44:59

And

44:59

he explodes, implanting

45:03

white light.

45:05

The ash and wasteland melts away as all

45:07

of you are hit with a big bang of light and energy.

45:10

It's a bright light, brighter than the sun, but

45:12

there's no desks under which you can duck

45:14

and cover. Nothing but silence

45:17

and white light. All of you are

45:19

atomized. Good night everybody! But

45:22

wait! Pill rules! You

45:25

each evolve from a single celled

45:27

organism back into yourselves in the span

45:29

of a few seconds. You shake off

45:32

the primordial goop of the ages and

45:34

you see a small figure off

45:35

in the distance.

45:37

Everything around you is completely white, but you see a small

45:39

figure.

45:40

What is it? It's too small. Can

45:43

we get closer? It's up to you. That will manifest

45:45

as a magnifying glass and hold it up.

45:47

Yeah, you hold it up and you

45:49

see

45:50

as you pull it down, now it's close to you. A

45:52

skinny vampire in a bright

45:55

floured shirt and tiny swim trunks with

45:57

enormous grandpa sunglasses and a tanning

46:00

reflector under his chin he

46:02

sits in a yellow and white striped beach chair

46:04

greetings victim it's

46:07

good to see you again what's

46:10

going on why die where are you

46:12

are you arriving are you downer Ivan I

46:14

built I'm the upper Ivan I

46:19

like the other Ivan get out

46:21

of here before that

46:24

bad Wow

46:24

have you just been panning this whole

46:26

time I could see the Sun crazy

46:30

you can't see what I'm seeing right now I'm on beautiful

46:32

beach why can't we see

46:34

what you're seeing everyone gets their own

46:37

their own what you'll find out

46:40

anyway I the big

46:41

the big one want to talk to you

46:43

the big one

46:44

the big one want to talk to you know we just killed him

46:47

oh no no that might be a real big one he nods

46:50

and a blue velvet door which

46:52

you only now see appears we'll

46:55

see each other again later okay

46:57

it's just really good to see you cool

46:59

Delia yeah it's wonderful to see you I'll

47:02

be just walks towards the door and

47:05

reaches out for the handle before

47:07

you can touch it you hear from behind you he holds up

47:09

a red daiquiri virgin daiquiri

47:12

nice what idea

47:16

who make this

47:18

stuff I would love to give kiss to

47:22

I've never read any

47:24

theory at all

47:25

what's after hell

47:27

I'll be are we after hell maybe

47:30

open the door

47:34

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50:00

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50:03

again.

50:12

Stir-fry.

50:13

A ten-year-old Virginia stands

50:16

before you. For the first time, you can really

50:18

see who you're looking at. The lines

50:20

on her face aren't there yet. Those iconic lines,

50:23

but the kind eyes they are.

50:26

Her accent hasn't really kicked into full gear

50:28

in middle age, the way that kind of Midwestern

50:30

accent does. But there's absolutely

50:33

no denying who you're looking at. Ginny? Yeah?

50:36

You're Virginia. Yeah,

50:39

what did you think? What did you think Ginny was

50:41

short for? Gentlemen. What?

50:46

I thought your name was Gentlemen, and they went

50:48

by Ginny because it's so much cuter, because you're such a cute

50:50

little girl.

50:51

Okay. No, though. That's

50:53

what I thought. Yeah, but it's not... That's

50:55

what I thought. Okay, it's Virginia. Ginny,

50:58

why are you looking at my stuff? Ginny, I knew you in

51:00

the future. What?

51:02

I knew you in the future. No, you will

51:04

know me in the future. But it already happened

51:06

to me, so I knew you. But it hasn't happened... What do you mean?

51:09

What are you doing? What hasn't happened to you is... You're

51:11

scaring me. What hasn't happened to you has already happened to me. When

51:14

I died once in Heaven, it brought me throughout time. The

51:17

way the guardian angels and works is not linear.

51:20

I met you in the future. No,

51:22

but time is a straight line

51:23

moving ever forward.

51:25

God doesn't care about time. He doesn't care about linearity.

51:28

He doesn't care about anything except what

51:30

we do with the time that we are given. And

51:33

I have been brought back to a time before I was around. God's

51:35

a boy? Oh,

51:37

yeah. Oh... Capital

51:39

H. He. Capital

51:41

H, he. Right. I haven't really met him yet. I'm a little intimidated.

51:44

We've corresponded through letters. I've

51:46

actually... I'm a little... I feel like if I

51:48

meet powerful people... What are you trying

51:50

to say? I knew you in the future, and

51:52

I... I kill you

51:53

in the future. She backs

51:55

up. What? The things that you... What

51:58

did I do? I didn't do anything!

51:59

I joined a group that did things...

52:02

Well then I won't! Stop! Leave

52:04

me alone! Go away! You're scaring me! I'll leave

52:06

you alone, I'll leave you alone. I shouldn't have

52:08

been around you, I shouldn't

52:09

have met me, I shouldn't have met you, I shouldn't have

52:11

even been saying this, but I need to tell you something right now. If

52:14

you join the Witch Hunters,

52:16

you will die an awful death. And

52:19

I don't want to do that to you, because I did it. And

52:22

I know you now, and I know the person you are, and

52:24

I didn't know it then, and I know your value,

52:26

and I know your consideration, and I know your thoughtfulness,

52:29

and I know your intelligence, and I know that you put

52:32

all of it into an organization that doesn't... Doesn't

52:35

help you be the best version of those things.

52:37

How would you know? What's the best... You don't even know the best

52:40

me, you kill me! That's right. Because

52:43

the worst mean that you. And

52:45

if I can be better now, then so can

52:47

you. Does that make sense? It

52:49

feels like it makes sense. It does.

52:52

Are you... Are you used to failing with sentences

52:54

a lot? Yes. I'm

52:57

used to failing a lot, but

52:59

I succeeded in killing you. You want

53:01

to die by someone like this? No.

53:04

Nobody would. Your own value,

53:07

your own intuition, is so much

53:09

better than any creep who could follow. Never

53:11

follow the group. Never, John. What

53:14

you value, you make your

53:16

own. There are no rules except

53:18

the ones you make for yourself, and when you compromise

53:21

those for other people, you

53:23

become something that's not you. Does

53:25

that make sense? You're such a

53:27

scary way to say a nice thing. I can

53:29

only do things one way. But

53:31

like this. I love you, baby. You're

53:33

amazing. You're such a sweet person. You're one

53:36

of the best people I ever met.

53:37

I don't want you to die the way that you died

53:39

back there.

53:40

I'm suddenly Virginia's alone in a room. She

53:43

looks around. She reaches out.

53:46

Nothing. Sits out on her bed. She looks

53:48

at her homework. She looks at the window. She

53:50

lays down at the bed. She pulls the covers up. Everyone

53:53

else.

53:54

You enter the blue velvet door, and

53:57

you find yourself in a dimly lit red window.

54:00

room.

54:01

It feels like the back office of a late 70s

54:03

porno theater. The kind of place George C.

54:06

Scott would try to infiltrate in hardcore.

54:09

That's what I put in the last episode.

54:14

And we're keeping it in. The sedge of cigarette

54:16

smoke is overwhelming. From

54:19

behind you, you hear a voice. Down

54:21

here. Albie

54:22

turns.

54:24

And Albie, you and you alone,

54:26

because I don't know what the rest of the cast is fucking

54:28

doing. You see a tiny

54:30

old woman with blue hair done up

54:32

in a bygone style. She dresses

54:35

in animal prints and pearls. And her lipstick

54:37

is primary color red. Oh, it's

54:40

garish, but it's very charming. She

54:43

wears a name tag that reads, Hello,

54:45

I'm the devil. She

54:48

looks up at all of you. Name's Lucille.

54:50

Pleasure. Belo, who we now

54:52

learn has also turned says, hi, Lucille.

54:55

I'm Belo. Two faces. Hello,

54:58

Lucille. Three faces. Hi.

55:01

And the grand finale. She

55:04

puts out the oldest hand you've ever seen

55:06

with press on nails to shake your hand.

55:09

Where's the bird? I'm kidding. I know.

55:11

Yeah.

55:12

I mean,

55:14

Lucille, are we going to see him

55:16

again? There had to be a mistake. There was just a

55:18

mistake.

55:19

There's always a mistake.

55:23

Come here. There's always a mistake.

55:25

What do you mean a mistake? Well, like

55:28

Albie looks at Cordelia. Cordelia looks at

55:30

Albie. Like he should have been in hell. He should have been

55:32

like the first one in hell. I mean, obviously he's supposed

55:34

to be here, not only with us, but like before.

55:36

Like that's where he was always going.

55:38

He was going to be here

55:40

unless he's happy there.

55:43

In heaven?

55:44

It's famously nice. If

55:47

Strewfry's there,

55:48

maybe he's better off there.

55:50

Boo. That's not what I meant.

55:52

No, I know what you meant. You meant he was

55:54

always going to hell, right? Yeah.

55:56

She's sort of a just sort

55:59

of wretched little creature

56:01

of sin and vice right I

56:03

mean he was

56:04

until the last second when he made a choice oh

56:07

yeah yes yeah there you go

56:11

so on those stir-fry

56:13

okay yeah yeah

56:15

but I see four faces we were

56:17

told that Bible was very persuasive yeah

56:20

as the Bible for I tell you kids right now

56:22

if you take anything away from this don't

56:24

read the Bible never don't read the Bible I

56:26

like this one don't read the Bible takes

56:28

away your free will and it instantly convinces

56:31

you it's so put all that damn book

56:33

it's so persuasive but you go

56:35

to heaven yeah

56:38

look I mean I'm talking to the devil I know

56:40

we don't love

56:42

heaven but I'll get points

56:44

dance I understand oh

56:47

boy so how do we want to do it

56:50

this time

56:52

well we're here to bring this school back to

56:54

Cordelia

56:55

mm-hmm and all the people that got

56:57

taken with it

56:58

right yeah we we don't want

57:00

for example our friend Davo to be infinitely

57:03

crucified

57:04

anymore nobody wants that he wanted to be infinitely

57:06

crucified well I guess a crazy

57:08

guy like the con a crazy guy

57:10

exactly he would want someone to be infinitely

57:12

thought

57:14

on him like

57:16

did you like him she pulls

57:17

out just like an old leather

57:19

chair she just leans back and he got

57:22

me here yeah

57:23

I can talk no I didn't like him oh

57:25

you I didn't hate

57:26

him though okay I don't

57:29

hate anybody oh I really

57:31

do I got look I got nothing against you guys in

57:33

fact I love you guys oh I love everybody

57:36

really feel not that you'd know it

57:38

you know everyone's I was all the devil

57:40

so bad oh such a joy

57:43

I'm just God just like anybody else got

57:45

a free choice mm-hmm nobody

57:48

prays to me nobody prays

57:50

for me and she looks over at a signed headshot

57:52

of Mark Twain okay one guy one

57:54

guy had the common decency nobody

57:57

else though well we

57:58

what you prayed for me I would seen it I would

58:00

have felt it don't lie to me well

58:01

no I'm not trying to lie I just

58:04

we

58:05

you know we did a like a thing we said

58:07

hello rules hey

58:08

I heard it yeah we

58:11

love hearing that kind of stuff but you

58:13

already know that

58:14

yeah you already know everything that happened

58:16

yeah

58:18

but how did how did I'll be saying

58:20

that

58:21

make all this happen with lexicon oh

58:23

is it the exact same

58:25

Oh don't you guys know this shit yeah

58:27

we were old yeah no

58:29

I just

58:29

bears repeating I guess okay

58:32

sometimes the power goes down in hell you

58:34

know why cuz I think it's funny that that happens I

58:38

think it's funny okay I think it's funny

58:40

that hell runs on power guess what it doesn't need to

58:42

I could generate as much as I wanted yo respect

58:45

yeah right I think it's just funny that it did

58:47

that and I think it's funny that while that happened

58:49

you guys said a little prayer made it possible

58:51

I think this whole thing is very funny but honestly

58:53

I love you people I

58:56

love everything everything like you wake

58:58

up you wake up in a world foot not now

59:00

but usually you wake up in a world full of actual

59:03

gods who you can talk to yeah

59:05

and you can make deals with boy

59:07

and there we go you turn

59:09

your backs consciously you all

59:11

do this I guess animals and dumb

59:13

people don't but everyone else you turn your backs on

59:16

hundreds of gods and goddesses with

59:18

concrete directions to

59:20

have to have it not to hell I've held yeah

59:22

I always say it up but the beat you know you

59:25

know you've seen it have you can see gods I know

59:27

you guys talk to a god yeah we killed

59:29

one I saw yeah it was epic

59:31

it was pretty it was a pretty it was

59:34

a good arc yeah that was a good arc

59:36

not not cool

59:38

you guys

59:39

every single day you wake up with the instructions

59:41

on how to go to heaven

59:42

and you

59:43

don't follow them

59:44

I think that is so cool

59:46

and so I made a little place I made a little realm

59:48

when all the gods are young that's

59:50

what's for everyone else and I'm the god of free

59:52

will and I just I'm crazy

59:55

about you guys and you guys cause

59:57

the whole school to come to hell which I think is very funny

59:59

and

59:59

One of your friends is being crucified infinitely, which

1:00:02

if you could just get a little bit of emotional

1:00:04

remove, I think you could admit is very funny. That

1:00:06

is some overkill. I

1:00:07

mean, I didn't know him that well,

1:00:09

and she kind of looks apologetically at Belo.

1:00:12

He was a pretty good guy, is the only thing.

1:00:15

But not that, but conceptually. It's

1:00:17

funny. It's funny that he's being infinitely

1:00:19

crucified. And I could stop it, and I'm

1:00:22

not doing it because that's pretty funny.

1:00:24

I don't have nothing against the guy.

1:00:26

Yeah. So anyway, I'm gonna help you.

1:00:27

I'll be kind of looks confused.

1:00:30

Well,

1:00:31

I want to bring the school back

1:00:33

to Cordelia.

1:00:34

You can do that. Snap on my fingers. Just

1:00:36

that. I get every single one of you, you get to ask

1:00:38

me one thing. And by the way, and she points to

1:00:40

Cordelia. How many books? Nope.

1:00:43

One for each. And we are in a

1:00:45

realm outside of time right now, so it's not a

1:00:47

days thing. And by the

1:00:49

way, if you see straight again, can you be nicer to him? What?

1:00:52

Really? Are you not serious? Be nicer? Yes. I'm extremely

1:00:55

serious. You don't have to. It is your

1:00:57

free will, and I respect that. He

1:00:59

wasn't

1:00:59

nice to us.

1:01:01

He can't be nice. You

1:01:03

can be.

1:01:04

Albie feels chastened.

1:01:07

I hope that landed, Albie, because he

1:01:09

cannot be nice. And you knew that always.

1:01:11

Okay. Well... It's fine. Again,

1:01:14

I'm not mad, and I thought it was funny, but...

1:01:17

You're right, ma'am.

1:01:19

What do you want?

1:01:20

Everyone gets one.

1:01:22

I mean... If you want to school back? Easy.

1:01:24

I'll give you school. I tell you right now, though, I'm fair. People

1:01:26

can't come with it.

1:01:27

What do you mean? People can't come with it. You

1:01:29

can't hold somebody's hand and pull

1:01:32

them out of hell. They gotta find their own way.

1:01:34

Oh. So

1:01:36

does that mean that I... Like, if I wanted to

1:01:39

bring just the people back,

1:01:41

I couldn't... That's the one thing you can't do. But they

1:01:43

can break the school, you can break the stones in the school and

1:01:45

all that. That can come back. In the books. The people

1:01:47

could be freed to find their own way out of

1:01:49

hell. They already were. They

1:01:52

were? They always have been. But I thought...

1:01:55

Are we tortured? They're being tortured,

1:01:57

but everyone's free to leave hell whenever they want.

1:01:59

want, they just gotta do it. Does that

1:02:02

include us? That's what we're talking

1:02:04

about right now. Well that's one wish down. Is

1:02:06

that you? No. Is that

1:02:08

your one wish? No. I won't say it

1:02:10

for everybody else. I'm still thinking. Alright, take

1:02:12

your time. I got nowhere to be. Can I wish to leave

1:02:14

hell? Of course. And go back to being

1:02:16

alive and see my family and... So

1:02:19

string in some clauses together. But sure, yeah, you

1:02:21

can do it.

1:02:22

So we could

1:02:23

theoretically just all wish

1:02:26

to...

1:02:27

I could start you over. Start over. Start

1:02:29

you over. Take you right back to school day.

1:02:31

And that means the school would be back. Well

1:02:34

that would mean

1:02:34

the school never came down. Oh.

1:02:36

But then none of this happened?

1:02:39

Well, this happened.

1:02:40

Oh boy. And Belo's got a manifesting

1:02:42

comfy chair. And then sit down.

1:02:45

This is a lot of process, Lucille. Hey,

1:02:47

go for it. Thank you. You got that

1:02:50

demon blood? Yeah. Make yourself a

1:02:52

drink. Belo conceives and then manifests

1:02:54

a Mountain Dew. Look at that. Let's

1:02:56

hear it for the boy. Hey. Oh,

1:02:59

this is good.

1:03:00

That's a bad

1:03:01

color, babe. It's for a drink.

1:03:04

That's not good. I decided

1:03:06

it. I know. He invented that.

1:03:08

I know. There was no Mountain

1:03:10

Dew until a second ago when Belo made

1:03:13

it so. He loves mountains. He's a marketing

1:03:15

genius, he's one of those. And when there's a Dew of

1:03:17

the morn, babe.

1:03:20

I'm sorry. This

1:03:22

is so heavy. It's a lot to take in. Take the

1:03:24

time.

1:03:26

I just... Eyes up.

1:03:27

So we could all just wish to go back

1:03:29

and not be dead anymore, but then

1:03:31

the school wouldn't come back.

1:03:33

Or three of us could wish to go back and

1:03:35

one of us could wish the school to come back,

1:03:38

but they wouldn't get to go back.

1:03:39

Babe, we could

1:03:41

all wish to just go back to where

1:03:43

we started.

1:03:44

Before we did the ritual.

1:03:46

Very popular wish.

1:03:47

Before the school came down.

1:03:50

No one would be down here from the school.

1:03:52

Would we remember? Nope.

1:03:55

I'd be a skeleton again. The

1:03:57

whole thing would start all over again. And

1:03:59

again.

1:03:59

again and again. Wait,

1:04:01

what do you mean again? What do you

1:04:02

mean again? What do you mean again? What do

1:04:04

you mean again? What are you asking? Ask me what

1:04:06

you mean to ask. What Lucille is saying is that, you know, we just,

1:04:08

it's not like we would go back and do anything differently.

1:04:10

We'd go back and then you'd say the blessing and

1:04:13

then the school would go to hell and it would all happen

1:04:15

the way it's happened. We may have wished that before.

1:04:18

Oh my gosh. She smiles very widely.

1:04:21

Maybe. Like in the Matrix 3. Remember

1:04:23

that one? I do.

1:04:25

They don't, but you do now. And

1:04:29

no, so many things now. The longer you spend here,

1:04:31

the more the old ones are going to start coming back to you.

1:04:34

This is not our first time having this exact same conversation.

1:04:37

Oh my gosh. I remember. What?

1:04:40

Albie, it hits you just the hundreds

1:04:42

and hundreds and hundreds of times

1:04:45

you've had this unforgettable summer.

1:04:47

You turned me down so many

1:04:49

times.

1:04:51

Hey, hey. Mrs. Ello.

1:04:52

He's doing his best. I know. I

1:04:55

know.

1:04:56

And Cord.

1:04:58

Freddie, this is actually the closest we've

1:05:00

ever gotten. It's true.

1:05:03

Wait, does it

1:05:04

go differently

1:05:04

sometimes? Yeah. Every

1:05:07

time is a little different.

1:05:08

How different?

1:05:09

Every time I try something different.

1:05:11

And it starts to come back to all of you. Slight

1:05:15

variations. Sometimes, sometimes

1:05:18

there's no val. You can't make it happen. Sometimes

1:05:21

though you can make it happen with Ivan. Sometimes

1:05:23

it's always just a little different, slightly different,

1:05:26

but always the same shape. One

1:05:28

time you guys all have sideburns. You

1:05:30

all have big sideburns one of the times. There's

1:05:33

like 70s classic rock playing the whole time.

1:05:37

Sometimes that's not. Sometimes you guys, there's one,

1:05:39

you guys are all in leather. You're

1:05:42

all in edgy leather. Hardnesses.

1:05:46

Me and stir fry? Oh. Yeah.

1:05:49

That felt obvious. Really? Well

1:05:52

on his end.

1:05:53

Oh. And a little on yours.

1:05:55

Okay, okay, okay. I'm sorry. Let's

1:05:57

move this, let's move this along.

1:06:00

I think I'm done. I don't think

1:06:02

I need to do this

1:06:03

again. I actually feel

1:06:05

the same way.

1:06:07

I think all I want for my wish is, um... Freddy

1:06:10

leans over and whispers. Uh, he'd

1:06:13

like a handgun? Mm-hmm.

1:06:15

And his father to show up? Oh, that

1:06:17

could be arranged. All right.

1:06:18

A zap, zap, zap, zap. Hmm? Yeah,

1:06:21

and I can file the serial numbers off.

1:06:23

Thank you.

1:06:24

They'll never know. Excellent. The perfect crime.

1:06:27

Please, let's do it right now. You got

1:06:29

it. And at that, a door opens

1:06:31

up and Otto DeBonesby. He's

1:06:34

thrown in. What is the

1:06:36

meaning of this? I'm staying here, Father.

1:06:39

It's not big enough for the both of us. What the hell

1:06:41

are you talking about? Frederick pulls out

1:06:43

a handgun with the serial numbers filed off

1:06:45

and shoots his father five times in the

1:06:47

chest. Whoa! Ah! Ah! Ah!

1:06:50

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

1:06:52

It

1:06:52

feels like the first

1:06:55

time... falls over backwards.

1:06:58

Frederick,

1:06:59

I forgive you. Oh, don't

1:07:02

you? Oh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

1:07:04

He sizzles. He sizzles like bacon as he just

1:07:06

shrivels up and he dies. Ah. All

1:07:09

right. I'm going to have a lot of fun here. I've

1:07:11

lived a long good, as it turns out,

1:07:13

many lives. And now I have

1:07:16

nothing more to worry about here. Holy

1:07:18

shit, Freddie's not going back. And Freddie

1:07:21

turns the gun around to hand the

1:07:24

handle of it back to Lucille.

1:07:26

She takes it in one swift motion. She

1:07:28

puts it in her back pocket. And if I could

1:07:30

have just one more, it's

1:07:33

just a little thing. Won't be a wish. Um,

1:07:36

both of the goblins pop out of Freddie's

1:07:38

body and all three of them go to smack

1:07:41

a four-way kiss on Lucille's face. Hello,

1:07:43

boyos! Mmm, sua! Hello!

1:07:46

Ta-da! Oh, no. Oh!

1:07:49

Oh, boy. Hi. It was just as

1:07:51

tall as I imagined. I feel half an

1:07:53

infinity years old. And

1:07:55

that, my friends, is a series wrap on

1:07:58

prolapse

1:07:59

Goatsie.

1:08:00

And the big man himself, Frederick

1:08:02

the Bonesby.

1:08:03

Albie grabs

1:08:05

Cordelia's hand and Bella's hand.

1:08:07

Whoa.

1:08:08

It seems like Fred was dealing

1:08:10

with some personal stuff there. I think...yeah,

1:08:13

I was aware of it.

1:08:16

But yeah,

1:08:17

if we all make that choice, then the school

1:08:20

stays in hell. Lucille is like a million miles

1:08:22

away. She goes, he finally did it. He finally...

1:08:26

Oh, we've been playing a game of cat and mouse

1:08:28

for hundreds of rotations.

1:08:31

I...what a man. I'm

1:08:34

sorry, what?

1:08:37

If we want the school to go back, that

1:08:39

has to be one of our wishes. Yeah. And

1:08:42

then what happens to that...like if I

1:08:44

wish that, then what happens to me after? It

1:08:46

keeps going and going for you. Albie

1:08:49

will be there, Cordelia will be there, Stinky

1:08:51

will be there, Frederick the Bonesby will be there.

1:08:53

Hold on, if I wish for the school to go back... If

1:08:56

you want the building to go back, easy.

1:08:59

And then you stay down here. If you want

1:09:01

to start the timeline over, it starts over for you. Oh.

1:09:04

Well, I don't think I want that. What

1:09:06

do you want, Bello? Can I...can I? Yeah.

1:09:10

What do you actually want? You're a team player.

1:09:13

I know. What does the Bello show

1:09:15

look like?

1:09:16

Well, I don't know. I thought I had like...I

1:09:18

thought I had a lot of time. I thought I was young and,

1:09:21

you know, alive. Well, you got

1:09:23

the same thing everyone gets.

1:09:25

You got to be alive until you weren't.

1:09:27

Hey, Bello. Yeah.

1:09:29

Um, you can...you can choose

1:09:31

whatever you

1:09:32

want. You can do. Okay.

1:09:36

I just didn't want you to,

1:09:38

you know,

1:09:39

choose anything for me.

1:09:41

Well, I shouldn't be. You

1:09:43

should choose for yourself. I shouldn't choose for you.

1:09:45

Okay, you don't get it. She kisses

1:09:48

his hand.

1:09:49

Oh, thank you.

1:09:51

Albi, you've chosen him so many times.

1:09:54

Well, it wasn't every time. Oh,

1:09:57

yeah. Bello, what do you

1:09:59

want?

1:10:00

More than anything else, what do you

1:10:02

want? It was something

1:10:04

Strayed said. What, the boons? No,

1:10:07

not the boons. He gave us some advice.

1:10:10

What did he say? He said that if

1:10:12

we came to hell, we have

1:10:15

to see Universal Studios. Oh, Belo. It's

1:10:18

not to be missed.

1:10:19

You

1:10:22

can ride the movies. I don't know what those are, but

1:10:24

I'm so excited to find out. There's no better way

1:10:26

to find out. I think... Albie,

1:10:29

I think that's what I want. Oh my God.

1:10:35

Albie smiles warmly

1:10:37

at Belo and squeezes

1:10:39

his hand. She puts a hand

1:10:41

on his cheek and kisses him and says,

1:10:46

Go ride the movies, babe. You

1:10:49

can come too. That's

1:10:51

not my wish.

1:10:53

I know.

1:10:54

You were... you're

1:10:55

really cool, Albie.

1:10:56

Thanks, Belo. You're really cool too. I

1:10:59

like Toa at once this time with you and me.

1:11:02

This was one of our better

1:11:04

times. And he's gone. Belo,

1:11:08

you're on a fake bike with

1:11:10

a bunch of strangers. And

1:11:13

an iconic John Williams score lifts

1:11:16

you up and you look down on

1:11:18

a tiny set of quadrantulas.

1:11:22

This is a fucking way. What

1:11:24

in all of reality has ever been

1:11:26

happier than you are right now? The

1:11:29

smell is unmistakable. It

1:11:32

has such a distinct smell, that ride.

1:11:35

Neither good nor bad. I'm

1:11:37

doing it. You

1:11:40

get to the end of the ride and E.T.'s

1:11:42

father waves to you and says, Thank

1:11:45

you, Belo. We

1:11:49

see quick snapshots of Belo in Universal

1:11:52

Studios riding the movies.

1:11:55

Look, he's on the mummy. He's

1:11:58

on the Fast and Furious ride. ride.

1:12:01

He's on the like

1:12:03

Simpsons indoor ride. He's

1:12:06

on, oh I forget the other stuff

1:12:08

and we move now away from Belo and it's

1:12:11

just Albie and Cordelia.

1:12:14

Hi. Oh,

1:12:16

okay. Wow. Okay.

1:12:19

What do you want to do? Um,

1:12:22

I don't know. I just. I just don't want

1:12:24

to start over again. Yeah,

1:12:26

I guess I don't either. Especially

1:12:29

not if it's just me.

1:12:30

No. Right? Yeah.

1:12:32

Um.

1:12:33

You said we could just leave,

1:12:35

right?

1:12:36

You could go wherever. Do you want to just

1:12:39

go? Just

1:12:42

like leave this room? Yeah.

1:12:45

And then. I guess I'm gonna eat

1:12:47

maybe? And

1:12:50

coffee?

1:12:53

Um, okay.

1:12:56

Yeah?

1:12:57

Yeah.

1:12:58

That's what we want to do.

1:13:00

I know a place.

1:13:02

Yeah? It's

1:13:03

called the Other Side Diner. Oh sure.

1:13:06

Do

1:13:06

you drink for free there?

1:13:08

Yeah, I don't know. Oh,

1:13:10

you gotta ask. I

1:13:12

bet I do. Okay. And

1:13:15

then there's a lot of other

1:13:17

stuff I haven't seen. In

1:13:19

hell. No.

1:13:21

Like, I mean, we could. We can just. She

1:13:24

looks at Lucille. We can just leave. No one's

1:13:26

stopping you. Oh

1:13:28

sure. But

1:13:29

I don't know. Every time we got here, it felt

1:13:31

like by the time we get here,

1:13:33

I'm always like, oh, I

1:13:35

feel like I'm home. Oh, you want to stay?

1:13:38

You don't want

1:13:40

to stay?

1:13:41

No. I, no.

1:13:44

I'm sorry. I just, I

1:13:46

feel like I've been to, I've

1:13:49

been to hell so many times now, but like

1:13:51

there's parts of Cordelia I haven't seen yet.

1:13:53

Oh, I found a lot

1:13:56

of Cordelia. Oh man. I want to

1:13:58

say, I want to, I want to.

1:14:00

I would take the job at

1:14:02

Cheddar's and swap out blood

1:14:05

and hang out with Junior. It's

1:14:08

a good spot for me and then, I

1:14:10

don't know, maybe that's just where

1:14:13

I'll be. And if I'm really lucky,

1:14:15

like, I always

1:14:17

thought it'd be kind of cool

1:14:19

if maybe Cheddar taught me how to

1:14:21

be a patron.

1:14:22

What do you mean? I mean, I don't

1:14:24

know, one of my favorite parts about every time

1:14:26

we come around is when I get to

1:14:28

experience magic for the first time. It's

1:14:30

really cool. And maybe I could do that for

1:14:32

someone- I could do that for you! All

1:14:35

in case I could be in a situation where I could go Cordelia

1:14:37

and I could freeze time.

1:14:39

Yeah.

1:14:40

Yeah? I think so.

1:14:42

I mean, a wish is a wish.

1:14:44

Is that what you want? If that's

1:14:46

what you want,

1:14:47

it's your wish.

1:14:49

It's your life too though.

1:14:50

Oh, I'm gonna go live it.

1:14:52

If you want some magic?

1:14:54

Hell yeah.

1:14:56

And Albie,

1:14:57

Cordelia's gone. Lucille

1:14:59

is gone. You're back in the world of Cordelia.

1:15:05

She looks

1:15:08

across the landscape and

1:15:11

she sees a mountain in

1:15:13

the distance.

1:15:15

From out of the woods, an elf approaches, named

1:15:18

like, I don't know, like, Gom-Kum-Dress.

1:15:21

He wears a jester's hat. He's clearly

1:15:23

about to ask you for help with some insane

1:15:25

bullshit like finding his dad's golden skeleton.

1:15:28

And she puts out her hand.

1:15:31

And she says, Cordelia.

1:15:34

Time freezes and his pupils

1:15:36

stretch out horizontally. Hello!

1:15:45

Nearby, up in the trees, Flipkuff

1:15:48

picks at the freshly killed carcasses of two

1:15:50

newlywed elf siblings. Down

1:15:53

below, in a clearing along the road

1:15:55

where the call stones now never stood,

1:15:58

we see an older woman with two cubs. eyes

1:16:00

still inside of her skull, enjoying

1:16:03

the early autumn air.

1:16:05

She's sitting at a needle and painting

1:16:07

a portrait of a half-remembered childhood imaginary

1:16:09

friend,

1:16:10

a kenku

1:16:12

with fly wings. The painting

1:16:14

is absolutely awful, but

1:16:16

it's all hers. You can tell

1:16:18

from the brushwork that this woman has

1:16:20

never been a cop a day in her life. Nice

1:16:23

work Ziggy.

1:16:26

We cut now to a large pirate ship,

1:16:29

sailing the river towards Brian Doyle Falls.

1:16:32

Splish Splash is at that big wheel

1:16:34

that those kinds of ships always seem to have

1:16:37

in Errol Flynn movies. Hot Roddy

1:16:39

is tied to the mast like Odysseus for

1:16:41

reasons I have no interest in exploring.

1:16:43

These characters, they get up

1:16:45

to stuff when I'm not describing them and frankly I

1:16:47

don't give a shit. Splish Splash

1:16:50

looks down at the stir-fry egg with surprise.

1:16:53

The

1:16:53

sound of a heart

1:16:55

and a single crack forms in it. Something

1:16:58

new is being born from that egg.

1:17:01

From down below we hear, I'm the

1:17:03

drowning! I'm the average

1:17:12

We pan up to

1:17:14

see the sky for perhaps the last

1:17:17

time.

1:17:18

We see the moons of Cordelia and

1:17:20

we see that all of them are shaped as various

1:17:23

religious symbols that spell out coexist.

1:17:27

The enormous demon

1:17:30

known as the unelected chorus humps

1:17:32

the cross that makes the tea and folks

1:17:34

that is the final image of Bruce Salem's affective.

1:17:39

For reasons not clear to me,

1:17:41

that's what I chose to go out on. Coexist folks!

1:17:46

What happens next to Albie? None of your

1:17:48

fucking business! Goodnight!

1:17:53

That's the end

1:17:55

of Rude Tales of Magic, the Class

1:17:57

dismissed arc, I should say. is

1:18:00

more of the podcast please

1:18:02

listen next week or I am financially

1:18:05

ruined yay

1:18:10

that

1:18:15

was Ali Fisher as Cordelia

1:18:18

Harley Monado as Albie

1:18:21

Christopher Hastings as Frederick de Bonbe

1:18:24

Joe Lapour as Bello Tim

1:18:26

Platt has stir-fry and

1:18:29

Branson Reese as everything and everyone

1:18:31

else

1:18:34

Root Tales of Magic is produced by

1:18:37

Bucket of Milk, edited

1:18:38

by Sam Grant, sound

1:18:41

designed by Steve De La Mater and

1:18:43

scored by Casey Townie with

1:18:45

additional sound design from Michael Gelsie

1:18:47

and Taylor

1:18:48

Moore and as always special

1:18:50

thanks to Tyler Button and Sydney

1:18:53

and Benjamin Paul and our big

1:18:55

freak Christina Lopez

1:18:58

see you in two weeks for the thrilling

1:19:00

debut of our new campaign Weird

1:19:03

Times in Pierce Harbor

1:19:09

okay see you then tire

1:19:25

that was a hit down podcast