1:59

rumbles up to the school's entrance and halls.

2:02

Emptying into its yard, a horde

2:04

of heavily armed men, many of their

2:07

faces hidden behind ski masks. They're

2:09

stoned with tactical gear and magazines

2:12

and firing beat up Kanashnikov rifles

2:14

into the blue sky with chilling cries

2:16

of Allahu Akbar. They're

2:19

young and bearded and they're speaking

2:21

Chechen, the language of Nulfasetia's

2:24

war and crime-ravaged neighbor. Some

2:27

seem like experienced soldiers. Others

2:29

illiterate thoughts. A couple of

2:31

women who wear

2:33

alongside their black hijabs, chunky

2:35

explosive belts. One

2:38

father primes a pistol and fires at the horde. He's

2:40

dead in seconds. Other men of fighting

2:43

age are executed, leaving the remaining men,

2:45

women and children over a thousand

2:48

of them to be herded like goats into

2:50

a sprawling sports hall, which

2:52

the terrorist bedizm with a series of nail-packed

2:55

bucket bombs, strung together with

2:57

wire like diabolical black

2:59

pinatas. If any of you

3:02

resist us, one of the killers tells the parents,

3:04

we will kill the children and leave the ones

3:07

who resist alive. As

3:09

a Russian military veteran, Kazbek

3:11

Mizikov knows very well who

3:13

his murderous cats are and the

3:16

long, brutal decades of conflict

3:18

out of which they've emerged. In a Chechnya

3:21

that has since the days of Stalingrad

3:23

sink gangsters and warlords and

3:26

gun runners and Salafist Mujahideen coalesce

3:28

into one lawless republic,

3:31

hell bent on violent revenge, no

3:33

matter if hundreds of innocent children

3:36

are their victims. Chechens

3:38

have lived in fear of brutal death from above

3:40

since the early 90s. Now

3:43

their most radical sons and daughters are

3:45

turning the tables. Kazbek

3:48

glares at the bucket bomb hanging above his head and

3:50

wonders if there's something he can do, anything

3:53

to prevent further bloodshed. It's

3:56

hot and sweaty and there are

3:58

sites trained in him from almost every other. angle. If

4:01

the bomb's wires are tripped, he realises, they'll

4:03

blow shrapnel into the skulls of him, his

4:06

wife and their two sons, and

4:08

kill them all instantly. Kasmin

4:11

can't fight. Instead, he

4:13

clasts a stretch of the wire in his hands, silently

4:16

and surreptitiously kneading it like play-doh

4:18

until there's a crimp. He does this

4:21

over and over, outside, for hours.

4:24

If he can break the wire, the bomb won't explode.

4:27

But as a veteran himself, he knows something else

4:29

and it turns his blood cold. The

4:32

Russian army won't just sit back and watch this play

4:34

out. They're coming, with

4:36

gas and grenades and gunfire. And

4:39

when they do, people are going to die. So

4:42

Kasbek keeps turning the wire moment

4:44

by moment. It's the only hope he

4:47

has to save his family. Whatever

4:49

happens next, God only knows.

4:52

Welcome to the Underwood. Hi

5:08

guys, it's Deep Breath now and welcome

5:10

to the Underworld podcast, the show where we tell you stories

5:13

about global organised crime without saying

5:16

kinda a million times. Although quite

5:18

a few. I'm your host, El Teiroa Sean Williams,

5:20

Kia ora Te Wiki or Te Ria Maui,

5:22

by the way. I'm joined by Daddy Gold in

5:24

New York City. We are two journalists who've

5:26

been all over the world in trenches, trap

5:29

houses and toilet cubicles. And

5:31

today's episode is the second of three parts

5:33

on our history of what some might call the

5:35

Chechen Mafia, but far more than

5:38

that, weaving through war and terror

5:40

and oligarchs and auto plants and drugs and

5:42

riots and political assassinations and, yes,

5:45

MMA fighters with cauliflower ears and

5:47

pointy beards. Yeah, I mean, hopefully

5:49

we'll get to the NoHo Hank origin story too

5:52

in this episode. But what was the

5:54

saying kinda a million times? Is that a reference

5:57

or some sort of slight to some other podcast

5:59

that I didn't know? recognise? Yeah I

6:01

think I've been listening to too many crap podcasts

6:03

doing the research for these ones. Yeah

6:07

I really don't need to know what people think

6:10

about Chechens from certain

6:12

podcasts but anyway anything

6:14

else we should be mentioning up top? I don't

6:16

know I think if this show's going out I

6:19

think maybe one of my stories is out maybe

6:21

two of them one of them

6:23

actually our patreon subscribers actually encountered

6:25

around 18 months ago so we'll

6:27

do something on that for sure any

6:30

other stuff you've been working on one or shout out any colleagues

6:32

whose input you've been enjoying lately? Not not

6:34

really yeah you're still getting sued

6:37

right a hundred hundred million I think I last

6:39

I heard it still getting sued we got to find a way

6:42

to get some attention because that's a that's

6:45

a big number yeah it's a it's

6:47

a little bit more than we make on the podcast

6:49

and I might actually have to buy a suit if I'm going

6:51

to be summoned to a to a court appearance

6:54

in California somewhere but that will

6:56

be fun. Something tells me can you

6:58

sue someone under a fake name I don't know. Something

7:00

tells me I might get thrown out but um oh

7:03

our friend Lily is running the TikTok

7:05

for us where she's doing these like cool one-minute videos

7:08

I think it's at the underworld pod if you

7:10

guys are or the underworld podcast if you guys are on TikTok

7:12

definitely go follow her on

7:15

that because she's working really hard and

7:17

I just like I the first time I opened TikTok I just

7:19

gave up right away like there was no chance that was gonna

7:21

work what else patreon.com slash

7:23

underworld podcast for bonus

7:25

episodes which we have like almost one a week now

7:28

I think yeah Instagram is always

7:30

the merch at underworld pod.com all

7:32

that advertised with us so I can stop

7:35

having to say these things but yeah

7:37

you know I'm excited about this you've done I mean

7:39

the last episode on unchecked and stuff was incredible

7:41

I feel like I'm actually learning a lot from you during

7:44

these. I aim to I aim to educate

7:47

but yeah it's I mean this is like one of the most fascinating

7:49

subjects like I thought I knew a little bit about

7:51

it but there's just millions and millions of more stuff

7:54

that's behind all of this I mean

7:56

I you know I realized some of you may have had to

7:58

press pause and touch grass after to that intro

8:00

and yeah we're gonna head back to Beslan and the

8:03

siege and what happened next later

8:05

in the episode. It's like it's a really

8:08

pivotal moment not just for Chechnya but

8:10

modern Russian history. The response

8:12

to it, Putin's involvement and what it did to the

8:14

elusive concept of an independent

8:16

Chechnyan state. Yeah, I think as

8:18

I was reading this I was like isn't there some theory

8:21

that Putin was behind this but I was confused.

8:23

That's the apartment bombings right from years earlier.

8:25

Here the scandal was like the inept

8:27

response right? Yeah, I mean inept

8:31

is like a very passive way of putting it. These

8:33

guys go in like completely

8:35

batshit when they get a sniff of

8:37

a parrot act like this. So yeah

8:40

this fits the thing that was going on for years and years.

8:42

And yeah we'll get to the apartment bombings too. Very

8:45

very controversial moment in

8:48

I guess like European history really. But

8:50

the story of Kaczbek Myszkow as well. I

8:53

got that mostly of course. I think plenty

8:55

of people will know from CJ Chivas' Esquire

8:57

article The School. It's

8:59

just like an amazing bit of work. I think one of the

9:01

best long form articles I've ever read.

9:04

It's on the list for subscribers of course. Any

9:07

feature articles you've thought or ate of late?

9:09

I mean I read read Michael Lidl's one

9:11

about the mad Russian Senate Ducky New York

9:13

director for GQ last week

9:16

as I was doing Russian stuff. That's one of my all time

9:18

faves. No, I mean I'm reading

9:20

Wanderings by Hayyim Polikov but that's not really

9:23

our underworld niche. But oh

9:25

yeah our friend Zik has his book out

9:27

on crypto I think. It came out this week and there

9:29

was a... Oh yeah I got the

9:31

email. Yeah yeah yeah that's going to be great. I mean there was an

9:33

excerpt in New York magazine which was fantastic. But

9:36

he's just a funny dude

9:39

who covered all the grifters

9:41

and con artists and all that. So I'm looking forward to

9:43

reading that. What's it called? Money Go

9:44

Up?

9:45

Money Go Up. Yeah

9:48

I've got a PDF copy of that because I think we're going

9:50

to do something with Zigzang on

9:52

that book. Yeah it was great. It was a

9:54

whole lot of organized crime going on there. Yeah

9:57

that's going to be awesome. So to get

9:59

you guys... up to speed on this pretty

10:02

whopping free part on Chechnya so

10:04

far. Last episode we went

10:06

from ancient Chechnya in history through its invasion

10:08

at the hands of the Mongols, the Russian Empire,

10:11

you've got Islamist freedom fighters,

10:13

Stalin's purges and the birth

10:15

of Chechen organized crime in exile

10:18

across what is nowadays Kazakhstan

10:20

and Russian Siberia. And then we

10:22

had the fall of communism and the increasing

10:24

collusion between Chechen gangsters and

10:27

rebels in its independence movement and

10:29

a grisly double murder of course in central

10:32

London. Now that killing happened in 1993 and

10:35

it resulted in the revenge killing of an innocent British

10:38

woman in the sleepy town of Woking

10:40

of all places the following year. And

10:43

that's where we're picking up for part two and

10:45

in case you're wondering no it doesn't get any

10:47

less crazy from now on nor will it do in

10:49

the third episode so hold on to your butts

10:52

guys here we go. That whole sorry

10:54

episode the BBC journalist the Armenian

10:57

pool attendant the KGB killers

10:59

and the Utsiev brothers on a mission either to

11:02

buy weapons steel contracts and oil

11:04

for the Chechnya independence movement or

11:06

just to take all the cocaine in London and that's

11:08

a lot. This is when we

11:10

see Chechen organized crime and

11:13

the gears of its political players all grinding

11:15

together as one. And this is coming

11:17

at a time when I probably don't need to

11:19

mention the Soviet Union has collapsed

11:22

and its largest former constituent

11:24

and seat of power the now Russian

11:26

Federation is a complete basket

11:29

case free for all. Russian

11:31

corruption of course is older than Rasputin

11:33

but in the embers of the Soviet Union it

11:35

really really goes bananas. You've got

11:37

scams on minerals, scams on currency

11:39

something called the Great Ruble scam which is when the Russian

11:42

deputy PM sanctions a bunch of Western businessmen

11:45

to buy billions of dollars worth of exchange

11:47

but they're all actual Ukrainian

11:49

con artists. It's mad. Yeah we have

11:51

that great episode on the on those car wars

11:53

right? Toilati however you say it. Yeah yeah

11:55

yeah. And

11:58

I think I've always want to do something on the aluminum wars, which

12:01

was like a big industry

12:03

mafiosa war there. Maybe I'll get a Stravs, get a right,

12:05

something up on it. You know, I was about

12:07

to fly to Toliakti to write

12:10

that story for a big American

12:12

magazine. And then, well, we

12:14

know what happened, but yeah, it's pretty hard to get

12:16

there these days.

12:17

Anyway,

12:18

on December 26, 1991, the Soviet Union is formally broken

12:20

up. And

12:25

might I add Albania is still going strong

12:27

under communism, but I just thought I'd get the Albanians

12:30

in there. But politically, things are still a

12:32

power kick. In 1993, Communist

12:34

Party chiefs are pissed off at Russian President Boris

12:37

Yeltsin. Yes, that Yeltsin of the

12:39

drunk dancing and the nose, more noble

12:41

than the druid's pimp stick. He's dishing

12:43

out mineral wealth and formerly state-owned conglomerates

12:46

to oligarch pals like Kandy, creating

12:48

the world's biggest black market in everything

12:50

from tanks to tongues to minds. Yeah,

12:53

Moscow in the 90s, I mean, I know we're talking Russia,

12:55

but Moscow then just seems like the most

12:57

insane place, like a party scene like Kaligula,

13:00

thousands of murders. I mean, if you ever

13:02

seen the numbers for murders in Moscow during the 90s, it's

13:04

insane. Yeah,

13:07

yeah. Like thousands. Well, we're going to get...

13:09

Mafia wars over like ball-bearing factories and stuff

13:11

like that, you know, just insane. Yeah, I mean, remember

13:13

that Toliakti episode? There are people like fighting

13:15

over the windscreen wiper

13:18

section of the company, like, and people are dropping

13:20

in their dozens over that. It's fully

13:22

mad. I mean, I remember the first time I went to Moscow and

13:24

it felt very, very

13:27

un-European and like moody. And I went

13:29

to a few of those old famous bars that people talked

13:31

about, I think is one of them called the

13:33

Pravda Bar or the Propaganda Bar. It's

13:36

really a very, very weird vibe.

13:39

I remember going to a bar in the bottom of the

13:41

Ministry of Defense or the Ministry of Information

13:44

and I was going for a pint with an Australian

13:47

dude and there were just tons

13:49

of guys in black suits, black ties,

13:52

sunglasses with guns on the table, eating

13:55

plates of like 50 bucks spaghetti. It was really,

13:57

really weird. weekend,

14:00

these communists, back to

14:02

those communists, they then attempt

14:05

a coup in Moscow, prompting

14:07

Russian leaders to take the extraordinary

14:09

measure of ordering tanks to fight on their own

14:12

parliament building, the so-called White House. Coup

14:14

might not be the right word, they just didn't want Yeltsin

14:16

to divvy up everything so quickly. It's

14:19

all threatening to fall to pieces for the new Russia,

14:22

and amid all of this, just as the Russians

14:24

had done during the Second World War, when

14:26

Stalin accused restful minorities of collaborating

14:29

with the Nazis, and it should be added,

14:31

a small number of them actually did, politicians

14:34

accuse, who else, the Chechnyans

14:36

of plotting to bring down the Russian state. So

14:39

they're just, they've been like the scapegoats going back

14:41

centuries now, right? Yeah, yeah. And

14:43

it's just so weird that they're basically a vassal state now. I don't

14:45

know if I want to spoil it earlier, but like, it's,

14:47

I don't know, man, it's wild how

14:50

that reversal happened. Yeah, I mean, I can't speak

14:52

for all Russians, but it does really seem like

14:54

going back centuries, they really

14:56

have been the bogeyman of the entire Russian

14:59

Empire. And they're always,

15:01

always viewed as others. And

15:03

it's not going to stop at this point either. Rights

15:05

journalist Stephen Handelman in Comrade Criminal

15:07

quote, while there is much open anti-Semitism

15:10

spoken and written, there are a few incidents

15:12

of physical brutality and no problems.

15:15

The Caucasians have more to fear, easily

15:18

recognized by their dark hair and skin colouring,

15:20

as well as their names. They're often targeted

15:23

by thugs and police and were

15:25

the victims of a pogrom organized by the mayor

15:27

of Moscow after the siege of the White House in

15:29

October 1993, when many were

15:32

expelled from the city by the militia.

15:35

I mean, I'm pretty certain there is quite

15:37

a lot of anti-Semitism in Russia at this point. There

15:40

was, of course, an uptick in anti-Semitic and racist

15:42

violence all over the Eastern block after the fall

15:44

of the Iron Curtain, not least in former

15:47

Eastern Germany, which we got into in the show about

15:49

Rhein-Ozontai. But if you can

15:51

set your watches to anything in 20th century

15:53

Russia, it is that the Chechens are

15:56

going to get it in the neck. And

15:58

to be honest, given the shit they've gone through, I'd forgive

16:00

a fair number of the Chechens for wishing Russia

16:02

would just disappear off the map altogether. At

16:05

this time, leaders in the Caucasian

16:07

Republic itself are gearing up for

16:09

an aggressive independence run – aggressive

16:12

might be the biggest euphemism all the time. Very

16:14

few coincidences are going on here,

16:17

guys. In 1992, forces

16:19

loyal to proclaimed Chechen leader, Jokhar

16:22

Dudiyev, they ransacked Russian military

16:26

posts in the region. Chechens

16:29

withdraw soon after, while in early 1993

16:33

a schism opens up between pro and

16:35

anti-Dudiyev factions in Chechnya

16:37

itself. And Grozhny, the

16:40

capital, blooms into protest.

16:42

Remember, as much as Chechens might want

16:44

their own independent state, this is

16:47

also the Caucasus, so you get tribes

16:49

facing down rival tribes, families

16:51

versus families, infighting within

16:54

infighting. As inevitable as

16:56

a lass at a Moldovan craps table,

16:58

a Russian dole of tribal embassy you could

17:01

call it if you're a second-rate writer, but I

17:03

of course wouldn't do that. It's really just a honourable one

17:05

these days. It's marvellous stuff, you

17:07

know? Are you still getting over the goat in the gulag?

17:10

I'm just happy to witness it. We're

17:12

all witnessing it. I'm not sure if you're witnessing a renaissance

17:14

or a slow breakdown, but we'll go with it.

17:18

This is exactly, by the way, when the Utsiev

17:20

brothers are being offed by the Armenian KGB

17:23

in the UK. So you can see how

17:25

quickly things are unraveling in the Caucasus

17:27

at this point. Later that year,

17:29

with two of his most trusted deputies

17:31

laying on north London mortuary slabs,

17:34

Duryev pulls a Russia, and he shells

17:36

his own people in downtown Grozhny. It

17:39

doesn't have the same effect as Yeltsin's bombing

17:41

of Moscow's White House, however, and

17:43

the coup in Chechnya explodes into

17:45

a civil war. And that is

17:48

precisely the excuse Boris Yeltsin

17:50

needs to order a full-scale invasion

17:52

of his febrile southern vassal. The

17:55

first Chechen war is underway. At

17:58

first, Russia thinks this will be little more

17:59

in a couple days steamrolling its way to

18:02

Grozny.

18:02

Sound familiar? If it doesn't,

18:05

no, it definitely will in a moment. First,

18:08

Yeltsin's air force softens up the Chechen capital

18:10

with indiscriminate strikes that kill

18:12

scores of civilians. Then,

18:15

he sends in 40,000 troops and three armored columns

18:18

that rumble towards the city from the north, east

18:21

and west.

18:22

Easy?

18:23

No, of course not. These Chechens

18:25

have been saying asymmetrical guerrilla conflict

18:28

since before Russia even existed. And

18:30

while they might have been ripping each other's face off before

18:33

the Russian invasion, nothing galvanizes

18:35

Caucasian identity stronger than attack

18:37

from the old enemy itself. The

18:40

Chechens, basically, are about the hand

18:42

Moscow's ass right back to it, gift

18:44

wrapped. Yeah, I mean, it's just really a foolish

18:46

move and I've seen that a lot in, like, you

18:49

know, places I've covered history to. You know,

18:51

you should let them exhaust themselves fighting each other

18:53

then you move in. Nothing

18:55

brings, like, a warring group of people together like

18:58

an attack from an outsider because it just

19:00

almost always happened. I guess, actually, picking

19:03

up, like, the Kurdish civil wars in the 90s, sometimes

19:05

they teamed up with various outsiders. But

19:07

in general, like, let them exhaust each

19:09

other then. Yeah, a lot of the... Don't,

19:12

like, interrupt. A lot of the Caucasian stuff

19:14

has got kind of people's front of Judea,

19:17

like, conversations. But, I mean,

19:19

this kind of thinking is going to go

19:21

both ways. So, we're going to kind of go

19:23

full circle on that thinking as well in a minute. So,

19:27

the Chechens are, of course, above

19:29

all, they are brigands, abreks,

19:31

those are the outlaw exiles we spoke about in

19:33

the last show. And they're just about the toughest,

19:36

grisliest fighters anywhere on the planet.

19:38

And these guys are running on hate. Hate

19:41

for Russians, which is basically

19:43

Chechen crack. Oh, yeah, and let's throw

19:45

religion into the mix too. This is

19:47

the early 1990s, of course, a time

19:49

when Al-Qaeda is embarking on its holy

19:52

war against America with the bombing of

19:54

New York's World Trade Center.

19:56

Chechnya's own Grand Mufte wants to

19:58

ride the wagon too.

19:59

He's a pug-faced goatee zealot named

20:02

Ahmad Khadrov, born in Kazakhstan, 1951,

20:04

to an exiled

20:07

Chechen family. He's a decorated

20:09

theologian which, in 1990s

20:11

Chechnya basically means rabid, Islamist,

20:14

and he's a staunch ally of Djokhar Duryev

20:17

and independence. So

20:20

what do you do if you're a Chechen grandmother

20:22

born in exile with a face like a bulldog

20:24

chewing a wasp in a library full of well-thumbed

20:26

Qurans? Yes, it's jihad

20:29

time. Khadrov declares

20:31

holy war on the Russians and he invites fighters

20:33

from across the Islamic world to join the Chechen

20:36

struggle against its huge, ancient

20:38

nemesis. And it works! In

20:40

floods thousands of jihadis from the Arab

20:42

world and beyond, and before long there's

20:45

an official Chechen mujheddin led

20:47

by a Saudi guy named Ibn al-Hautob

20:50

who's got experience kicking Russian back sides

20:52

in their own disastrous war in Afghanistan.

20:56

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Fear is the virus is trending on

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TikTok.

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are poisoned. Then your yoga

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teacher says that sex-traffic children

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are being sacrificed by satanic liberation.

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But it's all okay. It's a great awakening.

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It's happening.

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Every week on Conspiratory Podcast,

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we explore the fever dreams that send

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family and wellness to

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the right wing culture

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and a future of navigation.

22:28

By now it's still less than 13

22:31

years since the Soviets were booted out of Afghanistan

22:35

by armies of Mushardin and families

22:37

who hid in mountains, attacked armoured

22:39

convoys with booby traps and artillery

22:42

and were happy to snipe and shell from the windows

22:44

of city apartment blocks. Now

22:47

they're embroiled in a war against Chechen Mushardins

22:49

and families, destroying armoured convoys

22:52

with booby traps and artillery and who are

22:54

happy to potshot and shell out of the windows

22:56

of city apartments. Bad news

22:58

for Russia. But also for humanity

23:01

in general, because the first Chechen war

23:03

is a blood soaked affair that culminates

23:05

in the battle of Grozny. This two

23:07

month conflict leaves almost 30,000 civilians dead

23:11

and reduces the city to dust. It's

23:13

the biggest bombing campaign in Europe since World

23:16

War II and media soon refer

23:18

to Grozny, whose name by the way means fearsome,

23:21

as the planet's most destroyed city. I

23:23

think Robert King was there for that. Like he was

23:25

one of the only followers or the only one who

23:28

stayed behind and his photos aren't, I

23:30

think this video, the two, I mean, actually you know

23:33

what? That might be the

23:35

second, the second war was 99, right? The

23:37

second time that Grozny was destroyed, it might be

23:39

that. But either way, his photos from that

23:42

second war are just like breathtaking. And it's

23:44

covered in this documentary about him called

23:46

Shooting Robert King. It's a mad doc. I worked with him

23:48

in the Sacheleaufmann Republic and he's a mad man,

23:50

but definitely watch that documentary. It's

23:52

got footage from Grozny, you know, not this war,

23:55

obviously the next one a couple of years later, but it's insane

23:58

how destroyed the city is. managed

24:00

to work with the guy, he's like, he's a bit of a legend.

24:02

That must've been amazing. Oh, I don't

24:05

know if amazing is the word for it. It was definitely,

24:07

it was interesting. It was interesting. I learned a lot. He's

24:11

a good guy to be in a conflict

24:13

zone with and a madman at that,

24:15

but a very talented photographer. Yeah, most photojournalists.

24:18

Yeah. Have a bit of a

24:20

screwless. I should add, like,

24:23

we're not getting across how destroyed this city

24:25

was. I don't think 30,000 civilians dead

24:28

in Grozny. Even today, the city

24:30

only has a quarter of a million people. I mean, that is

24:33

pretty insane casualty rates during

24:36

the campaign. Russia, unsurprisingly,

24:38

of course, blockades Chechnya, which

24:41

means that the breakaway Republic relies

24:44

even more heavily on its black marketers

24:46

and gangsters to supply the war effort.

24:49

Yeah. It's a, it's similar when we talk about the war in

24:51

the Balkans, right? Or really any blockaded of a city

24:53

under siege. So it was a huge boon

24:55

for gangsters and black marketers. They can make a fortune

24:58

off it. Yeah. I can write. Yeah, I

25:00

think. And a bunch of other guys. Yeah. Yeah.

25:04

Yeah. So weapons, bazaars

25:06

pop up all over Chechnya. And even

25:08

though it's completely surrounded by the enemy, the

25:10

Chechen mafia, whatever that is, as

25:13

a concept is so powerful and connected

25:15

that Grozny's Pockmarked airport receives

25:18

up to 150 unsanctioned flights per month. And

25:21

I'm guessing they're not full of tourists. Right.

25:24

The one academic quote Chechen criminal

25:26

elements throughout the former Soviet union

25:29

have been able to move all manner of consumer

25:31

goods to a willing market in Moscow at

25:33

a significant markup. Moscow

25:35

elites were able to take their cut of the profits and

25:38

products as they sit to the patron. Similarly,

25:41

Doodyev was able to reach financial

25:44

and material benefits while flaunting

25:46

Moscow's embargo. Right. That's the same

25:48

thing. The elites there don't care. And it's kind of like, you

25:51

know, I think Mischa Glenny talks about it. How, was

25:53

it him or someone else who wrote about the wars

25:55

in the Balkans? How, you know, whether it was Serbs

25:58

or Bosnians or Albanian gangsters, they all

26:00

work together to make money off

26:02

the embargoes and the blockades and the war as their

26:05

people killed each other and they sort of ratchet it up the

26:07

rhetoric. What's the question here? Yeah,

26:10

there's no suggestion that these mafiosi

26:13

are kind of ennobled

26:15

by this war. They're pretty mercenary, but it kind

26:18

of suits everyone at the time. So that's

26:20

just a fast impact. Before

26:23

we continue with the first Chechen War, it's worth asking,

26:26

how are these Chechen gangsters getting so

26:28

big that they can sustain an entire

26:30

guerrilla war? Well, if the last

26:32

show got into, they're already a pretty

26:35

formidable force when communism ends.

26:38

After that, the answer lies in the oligarchs,

26:41

particularly the most powerful oligarchs

26:43

of them all, Boris Berejowski.

26:45

There are dozens

26:47

of men, and they're all men of course, getting

26:49

wildly rich, siphoning our former state

26:52

wealth in the early 90s. But none

26:54

of them as consummately as Boris Berejowski.

26:57

Berejowski is short and stout and

26:59

he's a Muscovite. Born in 1946, the son of

27:03

a Jewish engineer, Berejowski works

27:05

as an engineer himself, publishing 16 papers

27:08

in a distinguished career that

27:10

runs up to the fall of the Berlin Wall. But

27:13

in 1989, Berejowski capitalises

27:15

on perestroika to found Logovaz,

27:18

an auto dealer with connections to state owners

27:21

owned automating giant Avtovaz.

27:24

Now we're going to go back to Toliati here, but

27:26

that's Russia's Detroit and you'll know that in

27:28

the early 1990s, gangs

27:30

get really feral about controlling

27:32

various limbs of this huge lumbering

27:35

corporation. You've got gangs killing,

27:37

like I said, to control accessory

27:40

and windscreen wire production, gangs

27:42

to trucks, gangs who control vans,

27:45

cars, the machinery itself, street

27:47

battles, bombs, the works. Go back and

27:49

listen to it if you haven't already. And Berejowski,

27:52

who's busy buying up shares

27:54

in Russia's auto industry, comes

27:56

under fire himself. In 1994,

28:00

just as a gang war erupts across Russia

28:02

that will last until the year 2000, he survives a

28:06

bombing assassination attempt that kills his

28:08

driver. That incident is,

28:10

oddly enough, investigated by a

28:12

young FSB officer named Alexander

28:15

Litvinenko. If you don't know who

28:17

he is, well I'd be surprised if you didn't,

28:19

but pause this and look him up because he's

28:21

coming back. Berezovsky then

28:23

pivots, and he pivots again and again

28:26

until he has controlling stakes in

28:28

oil, public TV, aluminium

28:31

and even the National Sports Fund of Russia,

28:34

plundering them and running them into the dirt.

28:37

Writing to Johanna Granville in her paper The Russian Kleptocracy

28:40

and Rise of International Organised Crime, Berezovsky

28:43

is a quote, a lacykily ruthless

28:45

and cunning tycoon who perhaps profited

28:48

more than anybody else from Russia's slide

28:50

into the abyss. He stood closer

28:52

than the other oligarchs to all three

28:55

realms. Crime, commerce

28:57

and government. A success in both

29:00

making money and claiming to be a valuable statesman

29:02

in the government service was due in

29:04

part to his relationships with

29:06

some of Russia's strongest gangsters, particularly

29:10

the Chechen Mafia. The

29:13

Chechens are acting as Berezovsky's

29:16

quote, Kritia or Ruth, which

29:18

basically means hired protection and

29:21

there is a good reason for that. The car

29:23

industry, as we've heard, is brutal

29:26

and Berezovsky needs to fight fire with

29:28

fire. Writing to Mark Galioti

29:30

in the Vory quote, as many of Russia's

29:32

other gangs have successfully pursued ambitions

29:35

of becoming political players and business

29:37

empires, Chechens are

29:39

focused on cornering their traditional market

29:42

niche, the inflicting of severe

29:44

violence. There are hell of a

29:46

sentence right there. He

29:49

knows that right things. I mean,

29:51

people really have to read that book before

29:53

it sets up so much that's in this show. Incidentally,

29:57

Galioti bases this chapter of his book on

29:59

a meeting year. as with a Chechen hitman named

30:01

Borich or Bors, who

30:04

is a Soviet military veteran and graduate

30:06

of family-laid gangs in Shali,

30:08

which is a city home to around 45,000 and Chechnya is the

30:12

second largest behind Grozny. Galioti

30:15

meets this guy at Moscow's Sheremet

30:18

Yevo Airport and Bors demands

30:20

that they toast Allah with a shot of

30:22

vodka, which is just a legit brilliant

30:24

moment, and Galioti continues to quote,

30:27

The Chechen criminals, often described

30:29

as the Chechenskaya Bratva or

30:32

Chechen Brotherhood, and occasionally

30:34

Chechenskaya Obchincina

30:37

or Chechen commune, have

30:39

no formal structure in common. They

30:42

do represent a distinctive criminal

30:44

subculture though, holding itself apart

30:47

from the mainstream Russian underworld. A

30:49

characteristic mix of modern branding

30:51

and bandit tradition means that they

30:53

have such a powerful place in the Russian criminal

30:55

imagination that they are now even

30:58

a quote franchise with local

31:00

gangs not made up of Chechens competing

31:02

to use their name. And

31:05

Galioti goes on, and I know I'm quoting Bunch here, but

31:07

like we said in the last episode as well, it really is

31:09

a great book quote. The Chechenskaya

31:11

Bratva failure to prosper in the same way as

31:13

the other major networks also

31:16

reflects their clear and conscious determination

31:18

to buck the rest of the Russian underworld's trend

31:21

of diversification into business

31:23

and politics. Most Chechen

31:25

gangs have tended not to evolve beyond their

31:28

core speciality, the use of threat

31:30

and violence. Perhaps

31:32

remaining true to their bandit roots, they

31:34

continue to be heavily involved in extortion

31:37

and protection racketeering. However,

31:39

in many cases they have become in effect the

31:42

protection racketeers, protection racketeer,

31:45

acquiring networks of client gangs from

31:47

any ethnic background from whom they simply

31:49

demand tribute on pain of gang

31:51

warfare. So probably

31:54

not the brightest but definitely the most murderous.

31:57

Yeah, and I think in a minute

31:59

or two. we're gonna see the best examples

32:02

of that too. So the Chechens intertwine

32:05

with the bloodthirsty rebels of their once away

32:07

republic's bitter war, get a pretty

32:09

well deserved rep across Russia as lunatics,

32:12

who really don't give a shit if they're in the Mafia

32:14

club at all. No wonder Berovshovsky,

32:17

the so called godfather of the

32:19

Kremlin, hires them to protect

32:21

his bulging business empire. This

32:24

is not to say that Chechens just go and live in caves

32:26

when they're not killing each other, they own fleets

32:28

of casinos, bars and restaurants in

32:30

Moscow, right under the noses of

32:33

other crooks. But they're definitely different.

32:36

As the war in Chechnya progresses, the Chechens

32:38

begin to use kidnapping to raise funds

32:40

to fight the Russians. Leaked telephone

32:42

conversations suggest that Berovshovsky

32:45

even stages several kidnappings of high

32:47

profile foreigners by Chechens himself,

32:50

paying them the ransom money. Berovshovsky

32:53

is not the only one catering to his Chechen

32:56

roof or krisha. Basheyslav

32:58

Ivankov, better known as Yoponchik, who

33:01

you got into a bunch in your Brighton Beach Russian

33:03

mob episode, I think he's one of the most feared

33:06

gangsters in the country, and

33:08

he works openly with the Chechens

33:10

writes chronicles magazine quote, Yoponchik

33:14

wanted to modernize the Soviet Union's underworld.

33:17

And to do this, he had to deal first

33:19

with the Chechens. During the late Soviet

33:21

period, the Chechen cosinostra, openly

33:24

operated across Russia and impudently

33:26

occupied the gigantic Russia

33:28

hotel, his windows looked out

33:30

on the citadel of Russian power to

33:33

Kremlin. Anyone

33:35

who visited the Russia in the late 80s

33:37

and early 90s can testify to the sea

33:39

of black limos, hulking bodyguards,

33:42

and black fedora Chechen godfathers

33:44

or clan leaders with their signature black

33:46

leather jackets and droopy moustaches

33:49

that encroached on Red Square itself. A

33:52

relentless war of contract murders organized

33:55

by the Yoponchik's handpicked man, veteran

33:58

killer Andrei Isayev. who goes

34:00

by the name Raspi's or signature

34:03

was waged by the blacks, the Caucasian

34:05

Chechens and Azeris who were moving

34:08

in on the terms of the Slavic, Georgian

34:10

and Jewish gangsters. 90s

34:13

Russia man, just completely insane. Yeah,

34:16

probably avoid anyone with a handlebar mustache,

34:18

Jesus. By the way, we get

34:20

side but I fully recommend

34:23

watching 2010 documentary

34:25

Thieves by Law. It's on YouTube

34:28

and on the reading list for all you lovely Patreon subscribers.

34:31

Show ad free guys to do it. Where

34:33

the filmmaker for this movie, he gets

34:35

insane access to all these Russian

34:38

gangsters who've made their names in this mid

34:40

to late 90s era. In

34:42

it Artem Talatov who's introduced

34:45

as the Soviet Union's first millionaire

34:47

says that when he founded the Russian lottery,

34:50

which is a $15 million per week cash

34:52

business that is dangerous in Russia,

34:55

he takes the Chechens as partners because

34:57

even the thieves in law, the Vory

35:00

are scared of them. According

35:02

to him, the thieves have meetings, arbitrations,

35:05

parlays and then he adds quote, Chechens

35:08

shows up at these meetings and immediately

35:10

started shooting. Also when

35:12

a gangster describes how we get people to pay extortion,

35:15

just another horrible detail in this movie,

35:17

he get a homeless guy off the street, feed

35:20

him, dress him in a suit, take

35:22

him to a meeting with debtors and then when

35:24

the guy refuses to pay up, they whip out

35:26

a sword, cut the homeless guy's head

35:29

off until the debtor that's what happens

35:31

when they refuse to pay. This is like barbaric,

35:33

sadistic stuff. But there

35:35

is Russia in the 90s for you. I

35:38

mean, is that like a real, is that

35:40

an urban legend or that's like a proven thing that they're like, we

35:42

did this. So I

35:45

was thinking that and I rewatched the scene and

35:47

there's a moment, I think they go ice fishing

35:49

with the filmmaker and the

35:52

guy who leads the gang is like,

35:54

Hey, Andre, shut up. You

35:57

shouldn't be saying stuff like that. And there's a few moments

35:59

like that. movie you've really got to watch it it's

36:02

yeah I'm probably going to after this yeah

36:05

it's nuts anyway in case you haven't got the message

36:07

over the past what hour and a half of Chechen

36:09

gang chat these guys are tough as old

36:12

boots and they absolutely love

36:14

a fight

36:15

so

36:16

back to the first Chechen war it's 1995 now and

36:19

the Chechens vastly out powered

36:22

and outnumbered despite their

36:24

own successful tactics they get

36:26

even dirtier and they employ methods

36:28

more commonly associated with the Islamist

36:31

terrorist groups which is unsurprising

36:33

given their ranks are swirled with fighters from

36:36

jihad's across the Islamic world in

36:38

June 1995 Chechens hold 1,800

36:42

people hostage at a maternity ward

36:44

in the southern Russian city of Budnianovsk

36:48

I'm sorry to all Russian speaking listeners

36:50

for my pronunciation again after

36:52

five days Russian troops storm

36:54

the hospital but only results in the deaths

36:57

of around 140 people and a ceasefire with the breakaway

37:01

Chechens so I guess they're getting

37:03

the message that violence very much works

37:06

this ceasefire only holds for a short while

37:08

of course and the blood shed continues

37:11

until the following year in April 1996 joker

37:13

Duryev is assassinated

37:16

by two guided missiles Russian

37:18

president Boris Yeltsin claims victory

37:21

religious extremism grows rife

37:24

jobs are scarce the Chechen government

37:26

is weaker than 3.2 beer and

37:28

kidnapping an organized crime become a

37:30

way of life in the de facto state so

37:33

much so that by 1996 there's

37:35

a full-blown arms market operating right in

37:38

the middle of central Grozny controlled

37:40

by rebel gangsters were according to a BBC

37:42

article quote a machine gun could

37:44

be bought there for two to three hundred dollars grenades

37:47

were sold for 30 rubles or a dollar

37:49

a piece you know I paid $30 in

37:51

Cambodia but they let you throw it there too

37:53

so maybe having a safe space to do that is worth an extra $29

37:56

this is the only safe space

37:58

that we talk about in this show Did

38:01

you shoot a cow with

38:04

a bazooka? Because I heard you could do that. No, I

38:06

mean that was, I feel like we've talked about this before, that was like

38:08

a rumor. But I never

38:10

saw, I have no interest in doing that and I never saw that.

38:12

And they make you throw the grenade into like a pond.

38:15

So you

38:16

know, you get the he feel, the ground shake, but it's not

38:19

as cool as like heaving it into a field. But there

38:21

was also, yo, the craziest rumor,

38:23

and I think it's a book called Off the Rails and

38:25

Nompan that was like written in the 90s. I was there

38:28

mid 2000, so it was a book that was going around. But

38:30

there was a rumor that was going around that you

38:33

could pay a certain amount of money and

38:35

they would send someone who had been sentenced

38:38

to die by execution, like a prisoner, running

38:41

up a hill, and you get a shot at

38:43

them. And

38:46

but I don't know, it was something like that. And

38:48

then like, you only get one or two shots and if they survive, they go

38:50

for something insane like that, that probably

38:52

wasn't true. But it was an urban legend

38:54

that was going around. But cow grenade

38:56

thing, I feel like everyone

38:58

had a friend, a friend who said they had

39:01

done, but I don't know if that

39:03

was verified. It seems like a lot of like,

39:05

a cow is expensive. You know, that's

39:07

a lot of meat and a lot of money, especially to country like that.

39:09

I can't imagine that you

39:12

could do it for like a couple hundred dollars. I

39:14

guess if you had some kind of a

39:17

like a plastic sheet around it, you can

39:19

just turn it straight into burgers. But yeah, it does

39:21

seem like a waste of money. What's

39:23

that? What's that show? I'm not even investigating

39:25

stuff like this. Is it Myth Bus? I don't know.

39:29

I feel like that's more about like urban, like

39:31

not urban legends, but like things about, I don't

39:33

know, but they should, they should look into that. I'd

39:36

love to know. Yeah. Yeah.

39:38

Let's, let's reach out to them. Maybe we can do a hookup in Cambodia.

39:40

We do it. We do like

39:43

a separate one of those, like a true crime podcast. That's 10

39:45

episodes of us just trying to figure out why

39:47

the room was true about Cambodia. Yeah.

39:50

Or just getting wasted in Cambodia. Yeah. I'm

39:52

up for both of those things. This

39:54

is this BBC story that I just mentioned.

39:57

It's really interesting on how

39:59

the first picture. War empowers

40:01

organized crime. Quote, in

40:03

the past decade of conflict Chechnya has become

40:06

a haven for racketeers who

40:08

profit from oil thefts, kidnapping

40:11

and embezzlement of state funds allocated to

40:13

help the devastated Republic. Musa

40:16

S. Kukanov, director of the

40:18

Groznevstagass

40:20

oil company,

40:24

really sorry, says that up to 600 tons

40:26

of oil is being pilfered in Chechnya daily.

40:29

A police unit, popularly known as the Oil

40:32

Regiment, was set up to protect pipelines

40:34

and oil wells. Groznev gas

40:37

spends 300 million rubles or

40:39

more than 10 million dollars a year on it, but

40:42

this still does not help. People

40:44

who monitor this type of crime claim that

40:46

nearly all the security forces based

40:48

in Chechnya profit from oil. Yeah,

40:59

I always wonder about those guys who do it in the

41:01

Niger Delta, like

41:07

who are they selling to? Selling back to

41:09

BP or something? I don't really get it. Anyway,

41:12

Chechnya. State. Gangs. Gangs.

41:15

State. And this thing continues. Quote,

41:17

kidnapping becomes widespread in Chechnya

41:20

in 1997, when a group

41:22

of Russian NTV journalists are captured.

41:25

It's alleged that the company paid a million

41:28

dollars for their release. Honestly, Russians really

41:30

don't get how to deal with hostage crises.

41:33

After that, the hostage business escalated.

41:35

No shit. Kidnappers made millions

41:37

of dollars targeting foreign humanitarian

41:39

workers, missionaries and Russian

41:41

officials. Good luck being a missionary in Chechnya.

41:44

Jesus. Failure to pay

41:46

a ransom led to brutal killings of hostages.

41:49

In one notorious case, three British

41:51

Granger telecom engineers and a New Zealander

41:54

were beheaded by their captors. In

41:56

August 1996, the Chechens

41:59

actually managed to win. their war. And

42:01

in 1997 Boris Yeltsin and newly elected

42:03

Chechen president Aslan Mascadov

42:06

sign a treaty in Moscow that will put

42:08

quote a full stop to 400

42:11

years of history, i.e.

42:13

Russians and Chechens blowing each other up

42:15

in perpetuity. Both sides agree

42:18

to reject the use of false quote forever.

42:22

And everybody lived happily ever after. Oh no

42:24

wait, of course they fucking didn't because one side

42:27

is Russia and the other side can't get enough

42:29

of a fight. This is the Caucasus.

42:33

In 1999 Chechnya invades its neighbor

42:35

Dagestan, which technically

42:37

is Russia. Later that

42:40

year, Russian then Prime Minister Vladimir

42:42

Putin pins a series of apartment bombings

42:44

in Moscow and elsewhere on

42:46

Al Khutub, the jihadi in Chechnya

42:49

and his Chechen terrorists, fighting

42:52

the causes belly, causes belli,

42:54

causes belli for another incursion

42:57

into Chechnya. How'd you say it? Cause causes

42:59

belli? I don't know. I didn't do Latin at school unlike

43:01

a lot of British journers. Yeah, I'm the wrong guy for

43:03

pronunciation. All my words come from reading so

43:06

I got nothing to help you with. You were just

43:08

speaking Latin before we did the show. I'm

43:12

against the bombings too much here. I mean, we mentioned about

43:14

the top of the show as well, but if you already know about

43:17

Putin's rights to power, this is

43:19

a crucial moment and highly

43:21

suspected to be a false flag operation.

43:24

You could do very, very much

43:26

worse than read up a couple of books. The less

43:28

you know, the better you sleep by David Satter

43:31

and blowing up Russia by our old mate and former

43:33

FSB agent Alexander Litvinenko,

43:36

which will mark him out for a painful and

43:38

famous death in 2006 poisoned

43:41

by polonium in his adopted home of

43:43

London. That was huge, huge story

43:45

in the UK. I don't really know how it crossed over

43:48

the Atlantic, but whatever the truth

43:50

of the apartment bombings, they get the Russian

43:52

public back on board for another fight with

43:54

the Chechens, which from the

43:57

off features more indiscriminate bombing,

43:59

more suf civilian deaths and an armed

44:01

march to Grozhny. By

44:04

January 2000 Russia actually takes

44:06

the Chechen capital, no more than a smoldering

44:08

heap by this point. In a surprise turn

44:10

of events, Akhmad Khadarov about

44:13

turns on Chechen independence and the Kremlin

44:15

backs him as a pro-Moscow moustoge.

44:18

And yes, Khadarov's son is a young

44:21

troll-faced former rebel and amateur boxer

44:23

named Rimzan. We got there. Khadarov

44:26

the Elder then embarks on the process

44:28

of quote, peace via Chechenisation,

44:30

coming a fine line between Chechen

44:32

nationalism and unity with a parent

44:34

state that's been massacred in its men, women and

44:37

children for centuries. Hint,

44:39

in case you needed one, he's not going to do

44:41

it by building a liberal democracy. Hi,

44:44

my name's Andrew Gold. I'm a former BBC

44:47

journalist and I really want you to listen to my

44:49

podcast On the Edge with Andrew Gold,

44:51

which lies somewhere between true crime,

44:53

cults and pop culture. To

44:56

start, go to episode 296 to

44:59

hear my interview with former Scientologist

45:01

John Atack, who tells me quite

45:03

eloquently and brilliantly about how

45:06

Scientology was actually behind

45:08

Charles Manson. And Manson spent 14

45:11

months studying Scientology.

45:15

He had 150 hours

45:17

of Scientology processing.

45:20

That's episode 296 of

45:22

On the Edge with Andrew Gold. And I hope it gets

45:24

you listening to my other interviews with

45:26

cult survivors and debates with

45:29

flat earthers and probes into

45:31

abuse scandals and a lot

45:33

about the truth about Scientology,

45:36

Tom Cruise, Hasidic Judaism,

45:38

Jehovah's Witnesses and much more.

45:40

I'll be seeing you on the edge. If

45:43

you had the right information, could you

45:45

create a better life? I'm Chris Stemp,

45:48

the host of Smart People Podcast.

45:50

One of the best podcasts you've probably

45:52

never heard of.

45:53

My producer John and I started the podcast 12

45:56

years ago

45:57

when we got burnout on corporate America and wanted

46:00

to figure out a better way. We

46:02

asked top global experts for their advice

46:04

on how to be better. Brene Brown

46:07

taught me about connection. We are neurobiologically

46:09

at a cellular level, wired to be

46:11

in connection with other people.

46:13

Simon Sinek schooled me on curiosity.

46:16

You have to be interested to understand why things

46:18

work, as opposed to just accepting things on blind

46:20

faith. And Dr. Srini Pillay changed

46:23

my life. Would you like to live an exceptional

46:25

life? Then

46:26

how come every time you talk about your

46:28

life, you

46:28

talk about it in terms of probability.

46:31

Every other week, we spend about an hour

46:33

with a true expert in a new field.

46:35

Subscribe or follow Smart People Podcast

46:37

wherever you listen to podcasts, and learn

46:40

more at smartpeoplepodcast.com.

46:43

Remember how the first Chechen war emboldened

46:45

and enriched Chechnya's band of mafiosi?

46:48

The second war may not have gone in the Republic's

46:50

favor, but there's rarely a scuff

46:52

the mafia can't monetize. Writes the BBC,

46:55

quote, The embezzlement of funds allocated

46:57

for the reconstruction of Chechnya has

46:59

become a source of income for Chechen and

47:01

Russian officials. According to the Russian

47:04

audit chamber, 62 billion

47:06

rubles, which is more than $2 billion, sent

47:08

to Chechnya between 2000 and 2003, 5 billion

47:12

rubles was, quote, spent

47:15

extremely inappropriately. Sometimes

47:18

the same building is officially

47:21

restored several times, or a partly

47:23

ruined building is declared restored in official

47:25

documents. So

47:28

even the flattening of Grozny is

47:30

a chance for the fattening of the mob. Not

47:33

that everyone is a contraband, smuggling mercenary,

47:35

of course. There are more than a few Chechen

47:37

jihadis that have been killing in the name of a

47:39

state and a man, Kadyrov, who's

47:41

suddenly gone all Manchurian candidate, and

47:44

they are not best pleased. Enter

47:46

Shamil Basayev, a field commander

47:49

and one-time deputy prime minister of Chechnya,

47:51

also known as Abu Idris. He's

47:54

already been instrumental in the Budyonnovsk

47:57

hospital raid in 1995. the

48:00

recapture of Grozny from Russia a year later.

48:02

He's grizzled, inexperienced

48:05

and wildly popular, and in 2002,

48:08

Batayev goes rogue, besieging

48:10

a Moscow theater. Russian

48:12

forces don't hang around to negotiate, this

48:15

ain't a 90s Hollywood movie, they just pile

48:17

in mob-handed. Spetsnaz

48:20

commandos go tossing nerve gas

48:22

into the theater and then they rush in, slaughtering

48:25

the Chechen terrorists. Only

48:27

the gas also kills 133 hostages.

48:31

Whoopsie,

48:32

Batayev escapes the raid and the next

48:34

year, Akhmad Kaderov is formally

48:37

installed as the President of the Chechen

48:39

Republic, a Russian satrap.

48:42

Batayev and his hardliners won't take

48:44

this betrayal line down though. Yeah,

48:46

it really is just this absurd like

48:48

fiefdom, right? Like something out of medieval times now. Yeah,

48:51

and the way they rule pretty much follows that

48:53

as well. So the following year to this

48:55

is 2004. Greece are

48:57

somehow winning the European Championships, and

49:00

I'm riding in the back of a Kuzukintov garbage

49:02

truck at 5am with a bunch of pissed up Greek

49:04

guys and French girls, those

49:06

are the days, blissfully unaware that

49:09

Shamil Batayev's reign of terror against Russia

49:12

is at its apex. That May, a bomb

49:14

attack kills 30 people during a military

49:16

parade at Grozny Football Stadium, including

49:19

Akhmad Kaderov himself. Two

49:22

months later, on the night of August 24,

49:26

2004, explosive devices detonate aboard

49:29

two domestic passenger planes that

49:31

have taken off from Moscow's Domododovo

49:33

Airport, blowing both

49:36

jets to pieces and killing all 90 people

49:38

on board. Subsequent FSB

49:41

investigations discovered that the bombs have

49:43

been carried onto the planes by two female

49:45

Groznyites, and Batayev came

49:47

to responsibility online a few

49:49

weeks later. It's not just the

49:52

Chechens, by the way. Separatists from the

49:54

nearby Caucasian Republic of Karachay Chokestia

49:57

carry out two Moscow Metro bombings

49:59

that year. killing 51 people,

50:02

the confesses is restless.

50:04

But nothing dismayed the world like

50:06

the siege at school number one in Beslan,

50:09

which begins on September 1st. It's

50:12

one of the worst terror attacks in modern history,

50:14

and we're going to go back to the story of Kazbek

50:17

Mizikov and his family now, who

50:19

when we left him was trying to thumb apart

50:21

the circuit of the bucket bombs wired around the

50:23

school hall and which are balanced

50:25

chillingly above his family's heads. Look,

50:28

I mean, I could just read Chiva's story for

50:30

the next hour or so happily, but do go read

50:32

it after this if you haven't already. Yeah,

50:34

I won a ton of awards, I think, and it was like one of, supposed

50:37

to be one of Esquire's greatest stories ever, and

50:39

Esquire used to have some of the best journalism in the world. Yeah,

50:42

he used to. There

50:45

have been some good stuff recently that I've read there

50:47

actually, to be fair. I think Dale based

50:49

one of his, Dale based his recent bonus

50:51

on a piece out there that was

50:55

in Portland and Benton Hills, so that

50:57

was really, really good. Yeah, the

50:59

days of Chiva's man, that was good. By

51:02

the second day, Kazbek breaks

51:04

the wire, ensuring that the bomb won't

51:06

explode. So he knows that just

51:08

as being the case with the Moscow theater siege

51:11

months before the Russian forces

51:13

won't wait around and parlay with the Chechen

51:15

terrorists. They're going in. And

51:17

on day three, they storm the building. There

51:20

is huge bloodshed and carnage, and 333

51:22

people lose their lives. But

51:25

Kazbek, incredibly, isn't one

51:28

of them. 2004 then,

51:31

is really the year where an independent Chechnya

51:33

becomes all but impossible. Bazayev,

51:36

you'll be pleased to know, dies pretty soon afterwards,

51:38

in 2006, at the hands of

51:40

an exploded mine. But Ramzan

51:42

Katerov, Akhmad Katerov's son,

51:45

who's been groomed for the throne since his father's

51:47

death amid Bazayev's football stadium

51:49

attack in May 2004, he

51:52

becomes Chechen president in 2007,

51:55

cleaving to the Kremlin line and

51:57

forging a close partnership with Vladimir Putin.

52:00

has lasted until today. How

52:02

old was he when he took over? Was he like 25 years old?

52:05

Maybe a little older, like getting on for 30,

52:08

but very young. Yeah, but still looking

52:10

extremely weird. Putin

52:12

channels billions of... Come at

52:15

me, Katerov, Jesus. Putin channels

52:17

billions of dollars into the shattered republic,

52:19

furnishing Katerov with over a billion bucks

52:21

in subsidies, without which Chechnya

52:24

and Katerov's increasingly iron grip

52:26

would surely never survive. In

52:28

return, Katerov vows to smash any resistance

52:31

to his and Russia's rule in Chechnya,

52:33

and he installs a dictatorship and cult of personality

52:36

around himself and his father, not too

52:39

dissimilar to North Korea's juche system

52:41

only with way better hats. He

52:43

kills political enemies and journalists, subjugates

52:46

ethnic and sexual minorities, builds

52:48

palaces for himself, and Grozny,

52:50

the once destroyed capital city, even

52:53

begins to look a bit like Pyongyang. Whereas

52:55

Josh Affer in the 2016 New Yorker

52:58

feature, quote, the Second Chechen

53:00

War, which the Russians launched in 1999, in an

53:02

effort to curb not only

53:04

separatism in Chechnya, but

53:06

the threat of militant Islam, wound

53:08

down a decade later, with special

53:10

operations carried out deep in the craggy

53:13

wooded hills of the Caucasus. These

53:15

days, the rubble is gone. The city

53:17

skyline is punctuated by the glass towers

53:20

of Grozny City, a collection of

53:22

skyscrapers that houses offices,

53:24

luxury apartments, and a five-star hotel.

53:28

Grozny is quiet and bland, with

53:30

well-paid boulevards running through its center.

53:33

There is still a faint air of menace. Men

53:35

in black uniforms stand with automatic

53:38

rifles on many street corners. For

53:40

the city's flashier attractions, like

53:42

a man made late with a light show, seeing

53:44

whimsical and family-friendly. Yeah,

53:47

we've actually got Josh on an upcoming episode

53:49

about Russian mobsters fighting in Ukraine and Wagner,

53:51

which I think might be next week, but we'll

53:53

see what happens. Yeah, that's going

53:55

to be awesome. Justice stuff on that has been

53:58

really cool.

55:51

my

56:00

eardrum and my butthole.

56:06

We are not all those upper normalts,

56:08

but my true name is Daddy's

56:11

Commies. Greetings,

56:15

Daddy's Commies. Another steps

56:18

forward and says,

56:19

my name

56:20

is Butthole. The original Butthole.

56:23

What an honor. He has

56:25

a cane and a long beard. And

56:29

the final one steps forward and says, I

56:32

am the pee that won't flush.

56:37

You have been with me in spirit

56:40

many a time. I honor

56:42

you. DC steps forward.

56:46

Seems we have much in common.

56:48

In what regard other than the fact

56:50

that there's a few goblins

56:52

making up a single personality?

56:55

It's so fine. Seems that we have,

56:58

or had, a

57:00

common enemy. Ah yes, my

57:03

old butler. Tell me more. Growing

57:05

up I had many memories

57:09

of a butler, a servant

57:11

named Worcester. It seems

57:14

I was implanted inside

57:16

of me by some sort of malevolent

57:19

force that escaped from below hell

57:22

and had all sorts of ideas about how

57:24

to rewrite reality or some

57:26

such or some whatever. I

57:29

didn't care for it. And it seems

57:31

like you folk didn't either.

57:33

No, we didn't.

57:36

You see,

57:37

above all else,

57:39

this entity hated goblins. Oh

57:42

my goodness. He wouldn't shut

57:44

up about that.

57:47

You spoke to him.

57:49

Oh, he was inside my mind,

57:51

darling. Couldn't help

57:53

to. What did he say? Oh

57:57

God.

57:59

He wanted to

58:02

get rid of absurdities. Honestly,

58:05

every single time he taught, I tuned him

58:07

out a little bit. I couldn't help it.

58:10

The goblin in DC, he stops

58:12

and he thinks.

58:14

He nods.

58:16

He lets out a little toot.

58:19

Ooh, what you got going on in there? Rosemary?

58:24

Parsley, sage, tine as well. Haha,

58:27

classic chicken spices. I love

58:29

it every time. Better out than in,

58:32

I say. Pfft.

58:34

Yes. You

58:35

must forgive me. We've

58:37

been in drag as a human for so long,

58:39

we've forgotten many of the old ways.

58:43

Our manner may seem uncouth or over-polite

58:45

to you. Not at all.

58:48

I was once a man of polite

58:50

ways and I am only just learning

58:52

to let go. Soon

58:55

I will let go of this language

58:57

entirely and be a man of

59:00

peepee, poo poo, comies and

59:02

sweat. Well then perhaps

59:04

we are two ships. Or

59:07

rather, six ships in the night. Mmm,

59:10

indeed. Opposite devections. Passing

59:13

each other for this brief moment. This

59:16

brief moment able to communicate. You

59:19

tell me that this void, this entity, this

59:21

unpleasantness is gone. What proof

59:24

do you have? Umm, proof?

59:28

Umm, I- You understand my position.

59:31

Of course. We spent all of reality,

59:34

thousands of years, hunting down this entity

59:37

and now you tell me it's gone and I'm simply to take

59:39

your word for it. I believe

59:41

we must be as goblin

59:43

with each other then. And Freddy

59:46

extends one beautiful

59:50

dainty foot forward.

59:53

Yeah, no, DC knows this maneuver very

59:55

well. He sagely, he nods,

59:57

he turns, and he spreads cheeks so

59:59

that you may- put a toe into the butthole. Frederick's

1:00:02

big toe swirls

1:00:05

and recombines into a

1:00:08

perfectly dainty butt

1:00:10

plug, lubed,

1:00:13

of course. And like a key

1:00:15

turning into a lock, like you hear an ignition start,

1:00:17

and you connect, and for an overwhelming

1:00:20

moment, you are as one. You see

1:00:22

DC's life as

1:00:24

a goblin. He was born in

1:00:26

a sweaty diaper in

1:00:29

a high rise in Philadelphia. He

1:00:31

was spanked with a baseball

1:00:33

bat, as is the custom when

1:00:36

he was born. You see his life on the streets

1:00:38

of Philadelphia. You see him joining

1:00:41

up with the witch, you see him at first hunted by the witch

1:00:43

hunters, and then learning all about

1:00:45

the witch hunters and their ways, and you see him

1:00:47

studying on his off time, and learning all

1:00:50

about the unpleasantness.

1:00:52

You see, as he has his own copy of the

1:00:54

below cloak, and you see as he makes his own

1:00:56

arcana rolled and learns to open the book

1:00:58

himself, he doesn't have the same

1:01:01

copy as Virginia with the notes. He

1:01:03

had to make his own notes. You see as he studies

1:01:05

tirelessly. You see as his two assistants

1:01:07

join him, and you see as their

1:01:10

plan, it's a montage, as their plan to

1:01:12

pose as a human being comes to fruition, and

1:01:14

you see him moving up the ranks of the witch hunters.

1:01:16

He kills the older

1:01:19

upper management and takes his place. Freddy's

1:01:22

single

1:01:24

inch penis becomes as hard as iron.

1:01:30

He

1:01:32

falls in the purest,

1:01:35

most animal love with this man at

1:01:39

the sight of all this. He has never

1:01:41

related to anyone as much as this. And

1:01:45

as you gaze into the piss, the piss gazes also,

1:01:48

and he can see into you, he

1:01:50

watches as you grow up. He sees how you're

1:01:53

treated by Otto and your brothers.

1:01:55

He sees as you study, and he sees as you go to Polaris

1:01:58

University and he... He

1:02:00

sees your early life. He

1:02:03

sees station. He sees stir-fry. He meets

1:02:05

stir-fry. He learns stir-fry. He sees

1:02:08

your journeys and your struggles and everything

1:02:10

that you've accomplished with all

1:02:13

of your group. He sees rules haven. He

1:02:15

sees Virginia. He sees it all. And

1:02:17

he sees the unpleasantness. And he sees Wurster. And

1:02:19

you see, and you feel

1:02:21

as this information is passed on to him. And he

1:02:23

watches as Wurster is deleted. Right before

1:02:26

his very eyes. You pull out.

1:02:30

Well,

1:02:32

I believe that may suffice. Also,

1:02:34

I love you.

1:02:36

I love you too. Wonderful.

1:02:40

An unfortunate consequence of the

1:02:42

connection.

1:02:44

I will enjoy it for

1:02:46

the time that we have and mourn it

1:02:49

forever.

1:02:50

After.

1:02:51

Before you go, you

1:02:54

understand I have to kill you. Yes,

1:02:59

that much has been made imminently clear.

1:03:02

This cannot get out, you see.

1:03:05

No, of course. As much as

1:03:07

I am goblin now, I do respect

1:03:10

order and the demands

1:03:13

of it. Well, then I won't

1:03:15

bother explaining myself to you. Well,

1:03:17

go ahead in case someone else is listening in. I

1:03:19

don't know. No, no, no. It

1:03:22

won't be necessary. It's very clear to you

1:03:25

what would happen if this were to get out. If

1:03:27

the entire purpose of the witch hunters were

1:03:29

revealed to be a farce, we spent thousands

1:03:32

of years hunting this farce and you just clicked

1:03:34

delete on it. Lucky

1:03:36

break. Institutional

1:03:39

faith in the witch hunters would crumble, sending

1:03:42

the world into anarchy. Goblins

1:03:44

would become a hunted class. You see, as

1:03:47

head of the witch hunters, we've been able

1:03:49

to steer them away from goblins, their natural

1:03:51

enemy. Brilliant work, my good

1:03:54

man. And so

1:03:56

for other goblins to live, you must

1:03:58

die. The good news is

1:04:01

I was about, I don't know, half

1:04:03

a mile away or less from trying

1:04:05

to do it myself. I know.

1:04:09

I saw it all. And so, you

1:04:12

may go. Thank

1:04:14

you. I am a very

1:04:17

old man and oh,

1:04:19

I can feel that heart attack

1:04:21

slash stroke slash, I don't

1:04:23

know, a liver giving out, who

1:04:25

knows. Oh, it's so close. Oh,

1:04:28

I can taste it. As you head to the door, you have

1:04:30

a hand on the doorknob and he stops you, takes

1:04:33

another sip of the coffee with the Sprite

1:04:35

inside. He says, Freddy, I was inside

1:04:37

of you. I love you. Yes,

1:04:39

I love you too. What is it? I know you're

1:04:41

a liar. If you

1:04:43

deceive me, the full

1:04:45

force of the witch hunters will come down on you. You've

1:04:48

never felt it before, but

1:04:50

you will. Well, I won't lie about this.

1:04:52

I am planning very much on dying

1:04:55

quite soon so that I might get

1:04:57

to hell in the position that

1:05:00

I must. There's nothing else for me

1:05:02

here. And Freddy looks

1:05:04

around at the Cordelia

1:05:06

that he has known for so long and

1:05:09

offers nothing more for him. Light

1:05:12

as a feather, all three goblins bow to you. Stiff

1:05:16

as a board, Freddy has

1:05:18

a heart attack. Freddy,

1:05:21

can you make a constitution saving throw for me? Those

1:05:24

are tough. I want to. Oh,

1:05:27

this is quite a surprise. I'm

1:05:31

going to try. Hold on. You

1:05:34

will not believe this. I

1:05:37

did roll a one. I swear to God. I

1:05:39

rolled a one. I did. You only

1:05:42

did. Our dear audience,

1:05:44

I wish you could have had a camera

1:05:47

pointed at this die right now. I roll the

1:05:49

one.

1:05:50

Wow. Wow.

1:05:52

Wow. You said I want to kill my beloved

1:05:54

PC and the dice gods smiled at

1:05:56

you and said, sure. Yeah.

1:05:58

After all the many times. I said I would like

1:06:01

this guy. Yeah, we cut to

1:06:03

Christopher Hastings 13 years old

1:06:06

his first character Oh, he's

1:06:08

like a ranger but like like

1:06:11

cool like He

1:06:14

tries to survive an attack from an

1:06:16

orc and No, that

1:06:19

gun didn't survive later and later

1:06:21

and later They never survive and then finally

1:06:23

I asked for and once again, they don't

1:06:25

survive I thought Frederick

1:06:28

we zoom in to your arteries.

1:06:30

They seem to be swimming along just

1:06:32

fine It's a little it's a little steamboat

1:06:35

Willy just of a booger just comes

1:06:38

Moving on down that artery though and it gets bigger

1:06:40

and bigger and bigger

1:06:41

and whoops. Oh, it's that little

1:06:43

Oh that little boat of boogers It's crooked

1:06:45

in the Suez Canal and the blood is pumping

1:06:48

and pumping and your chest is just getting bigger and bigger

1:06:50

and bigger and bigger and bigger and

1:06:52

bigger and bigger Frederick. Do you have any last

1:06:55

words? I

1:06:57

don't know

1:07:00

Freddie looks to

1:07:03

the universe and says I was

1:07:06

right That's

1:07:10

a wrap on Frederick the bones be

1:07:14

The other goblins you

1:07:16

have not left the carriage yet the other goblins

1:07:18

in there they look around go wow he wasn't kidding

1:07:22

They get a broom Just

1:07:27

rolling They

1:07:30

sweep him out

1:07:33

We're back into forbidden zone I'll

1:07:36

be looking around This

1:07:39

is it. This is where we're supposed to be. What about

1:07:41

Fred? I don't know I am I

1:07:43

didn't want the witch hunters to stop us and

1:07:45

so I just I just went for it. I'm sorry

1:07:48

Yeah, no that that makes sense. You

1:07:50

can pick up Any of you really

1:07:53

make a perception roll for me Natural

1:07:57

one

1:07:59

natural one. Okay Albie,

1:08:02

you're looking around, you're looking around, but you're looking too

1:08:04

fast. Everything's just a blur. It's

1:08:08

so like her too. Branson, I

1:08:10

got an unnatural 20.

1:08:12

Okay, great. So, Belo,

1:08:14

the Forbidden Zone itself is beautiful. Serene.

1:08:18

Pristine in its natural innocence. One

1:08:20

cannot help but thinking of the Garden of Eden

1:08:22

when one looks upon it. Even if one

1:08:24

doesn't want to, one is just

1:08:27

out of luck on this one. One is

1:08:29

automatically thinking of the Garden of Eden.

1:08:32

Tough shit, one. Nature inside

1:08:34

the Forbidden Zone is healing.

1:08:36

Butterflies

1:08:38

slit harmlessly in and out of tree-dappled

1:08:40

shade.

1:08:41

The birds use the talents they possess, for

1:08:44

the woods would be quiet if none sang except

1:08:46

the best. The first air of autumn,

1:08:49

crisp and gentle, compliments the late summer

1:08:51

heaviness. The sense of sunscreen

1:08:54

and chlorine have already begun to ebb back

1:08:56

into the ocean of the year, as the minor melancholy

1:08:59

of back-to-school sales have begun their

1:09:01

gradual descent into the greater Los Angeles

1:09:03

area. Flight attendants prepare for landing.

1:09:06

There are no witch hunters here. There

1:09:09

are no witch hunted either. It's

1:09:11

just you.

1:09:13

The moment could go on forever.

1:09:16

Oh good. Except that I lied. Straight

1:09:18

plants is also here. Leave

1:09:20

this place!

1:09:24

You see an enormous demon burning from the

1:09:26

inside out. He floats the foot off the ground

1:09:28

in Christ pose as he says, leave this

1:09:31

place! You owe us

1:09:33

a boon! No, no,

1:09:35

you motherfuckers, no I do not. I

1:09:39

do one boon a day, and

1:09:41

today's not your day. Tomorrow's not looking

1:09:43

good either. It was one boon

1:09:46

a day! Okay, that's not tomorrow! One boon

1:09:48

a day? No, that would be dozens of boons. Yeah,

1:09:52

but we only need one. Oh,

1:09:54

what one boon could you need from...

1:09:56

You need to leave this place is the boon I

1:09:58

need. We

1:10:01

didn't say we'd give you a boon. We don't owe you boons.

1:10:04

Then I don't owe you- you owe me a boon as

1:10:06

much as I owe you a boon. Not true. I

1:10:08

get a cute t-shirt phrase, and

1:10:10

you guys spun it on me.

1:10:13

Listen, we can argue about this all day.

1:10:15

Are you gonna give us- That's like if I had a shirt that said Fart Loading.

1:10:17

It doesn't mean I'm always about to fart. Uh,

1:10:20

yeah, I gotta die. Uh, yeah. Uh.

1:10:23

Why

1:10:23

not? Take responsibility for the shirts you're putting

1:10:25

on, man.

1:10:26

No, I'll wear whatever shirt I want. Words

1:10:28

matter. A shirt appears on his body

1:10:31

as he says that. Uh, and the shirt,

1:10:33

uh, it- it says, uh,

1:10:36

marijuana's over one billion stone.

1:10:40

Listen straight, there have been many days where we

1:10:42

haven't asked you for that boon, and we're

1:10:44

here just asking for today's boon. I think you

1:10:46

can do us a solid on this one. What is

1:10:49

your boon? Name your boon and then leave this place. Wait,

1:10:52

hey, pedal up. Pedal up. Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay.

1:10:55

I'm right here. What-

1:10:57

what are we wearing? Freedom. When

1:11:00

do we want it? Now! Now!

1:11:02

Okay, I don't think we can ask you for freedom though.

1:11:05

Like, seriously. You dummies!

1:11:08

I'm forgetting to go for a high five. No, no, no. I'll

1:11:11

be- I'll be high five. Oh, okay, yeah, we

1:11:13

can high five. What if we just asked him to bring Polaris

1:11:15

back? Yo!

1:11:18

Wait! And then we wouldn't have

1:11:20

to die. And we could go tell

1:11:22

Freddy that he doesn't have to die either. We

1:11:25

can

1:11:25

try. I mean, I just think, if

1:11:28

I remember correctly, someone

1:11:30

told us that demons have very specific

1:11:32

jobs, and I have a feeling that bringing

1:11:35

Polaris up from hell is a straight

1:11:37

job.

1:11:38

Straight is like four feet away from you guys still

1:11:40

in Christ Pose, just sort of floating a foot off the ground,

1:11:42

waiting, looking around- Yeah, I'll be- I'm sorry,

1:11:46

I'll be flattered like the one

1:11:47

minute sign behind her, Adam. He nods, he

1:11:49

nods. His shirt didn't burn up,

1:11:51

which is sort of surprising him.

1:11:53

He's

1:11:56

like looking down. Do we think, if we

1:11:58

ask him for a boon, he can't do-

1:11:59

do we think we'd get another boon

1:12:02

that he can do? Like if we're

1:12:03

like, No, no, I can hear you,

1:12:05

no. What? Okay.

1:12:08

No. So we just have to know. I'm helping you by

1:12:10

the way. This is what they were talking about with

1:12:12

hell rules. There's apparently a lot

1:12:15

of rules.

1:12:16

And their labyrinthine. Yeah.

1:12:18

I don't know, a boon? I don't know. Can

1:12:21

we ask for a fire-frighty bag?

1:12:22

We'll ask him, we'll ask him like

1:12:25

to tell us what's the best way to

1:12:27

kill Lexicon Matters.

1:12:29

Okay, let's ask him.

1:12:31

On three.

1:12:32

One, two, three.

1:12:34

Wait, on three or right after three? Oh,

1:12:37

I like to say three and then do it. Okay,

1:12:39

okay. One, two. What's

1:12:44

the best way?

1:12:47

No? To

1:12:48

kill Lexicon Matters. To kill Lexicon

1:12:50

Matters.

1:12:52

Excuse me?

1:12:54

Can you tell us the best way to kill

1:12:56

Lexicon Matters? I can, but

1:12:58

I get in huge trouble. Well,

1:13:00

that's what boons are made of. Trouble.

1:13:05

I swear to God. And his

1:13:08

expression grows dark and storm

1:13:10

clouds form above him and lightning

1:13:12

crashes. And he says,

1:13:14

I need a new catchphrase.

1:13:16

Yeah, I

1:13:19

mean, I swear to God, kind of a weird thing for a demon

1:13:21

to do. I can swear to God. I

1:13:23

swear at him, I'll fuck God. Whoa,

1:13:27

whoa, whoa, whoa. What

1:13:29

a bad boy. Don't we tell my demons? We

1:13:32

killed a God. Great.

1:13:35

Thank you. It's even a busy summer. I've

1:13:37

been floating in Christ posts. It

1:13:39

was a busy

1:13:39

summer. So wait, can you not, you can't tell

1:13:42

us?

1:13:42

I can tell you and I will, but I'm

1:13:44

going to get in trouble. My rules

1:13:46

demand that I do offer you one boon.

1:13:50

We're sorry that you're gonna get in trouble. We didn't mean

1:13:52

for that. I don't think, I

1:13:54

don't think it's a pure monitor. We

1:13:57

do, I don't, I don't want you to get in trouble for it. I

1:14:00

don't... I don't... I don't... No,

1:14:02

I don't mind. I don't mind. I'm sorry.

1:14:04

No, you don't. You're not that sorry.

1:14:05

Yeah, I'm not that sorry. Are

1:14:10

you gonna tell us? No.

1:14:12

Yes. Fine.

1:14:16

I'll tell you how to defeat and

1:14:18

kill lexicon matters, but you won't

1:14:21

like it. Okay. And

1:14:23

neither will he. Why, especially I

1:14:25

hope. The

1:14:28

source of lexicon matters. How? Eyes and a single

1:14:30

item,

1:14:30

a single object. I know not what that

1:14:32

single item or object is, but I do

1:14:34

know it exists closely guarded. Destroy

1:14:40

that, and you will have

1:14:43

destroyed lexicon matters. Now leave

1:14:45

this place! Give us one more

1:14:47

boot. No! Not walking into that

1:14:49

one again! And

1:14:53

it's debatable if I walked into it in the first place.

1:14:56

One. No,

1:14:58

not come on! We

1:15:01

are

1:15:01

gonna leave this place, but we have to do

1:15:03

it a specific way.

1:15:04

What? Please, what way? Leave

1:15:08

this place now. I could unmake you.

1:15:10

Well, we have to die here. That could

1:15:12

be arranged. But

1:15:15

I... It can't be you. Why? I

1:15:19

made a promise. You made a promise?

1:15:22

Yeah, I made a promise. Oh,

1:15:24

and I think promises are super important to you, though. It can

1:15:26

be you for me. Okay, then

1:15:28

it will be. And he

1:15:30

waves his hand, Belo, and Cordelia and Albie, you watch

1:15:32

as Belo is unraveled. It

1:15:35

is like he just... He comes apart. The

1:15:39

atoms of Belo just scatter into the

1:15:41

wind. Albie, I don't

1:15:43

feel so good. I

1:15:46

heard Albie.

1:15:50

Those are his last words.

1:15:53

Belo. So

1:15:56

that's who you fuck with, by the way, when you pull

1:15:58

this boom shit on me.

1:16:00

Okay, good job, bud. Um,

1:16:03

yeah, we'll talk to you later.

1:16:05

I can't watch him do this to you. Yeah, we're

1:16:07

good on boons.

1:16:09

Then leave.

1:16:11

Leave this place. You have to go.

1:16:14

Okay.

1:16:16

Um, I'll be, uh, I'll

1:16:18

be like, takes Cordelia's hand

1:16:22

and they like, shuffle away from Strayed.

1:16:24

He appears right in front of you. No, no, no, don't go deeper

1:16:27

into the Forbidden Zone. I know this trick.

1:16:30

Leave the Forbidden Zone, leave this place or

1:16:32

not to be here. Oh, I, okay.

1:16:35

All right, actually I didn't understand. That

1:16:37

was what you were saying. Well, not that

1:16:39

specific, obviously

1:16:42

the place of the Forbidden Zone.

1:16:44

We're leaving soon. Give us 10 minutes.

1:16:47

10 minutes? Yeah, just give us 10 minutes. No, what do I unravel

1:16:50

you both right now? No,

1:16:52

I promised someone.

1:16:53

I promised someone she could kill

1:16:55

me. If I didn't have such

1:16:57

reverence for the power of a spoken

1:16:59

promise, you'd be unraveled.

1:17:03

You'd ruin the day.

1:17:08

Just give us our, our owed third

1:17:10

boon and give us 10 minutes.

1:17:12

What third boon, what fucking third

1:17:14

boon did I ever promise you? To us,

1:17:16

you owed us so many back taxes

1:17:19

of boons. I said I- Give us

1:17:21

our second boon! I, no, you don't, you're not owed

1:17:23

a boon. You're owed no boon. Give

1:17:25

us 10 minutes.

1:17:26

You unraveled my boyfriend.

1:17:29

You would give me a boon. What, what?

1:17:31

No, sorry, no, you want me to give you another

1:17:33

boon. If I give you this boon. Yes.

1:17:37

If, using my words correctly here. If

1:17:40

I give you this boon. You must

1:17:42

leave this place

1:17:43

and you must never speak to me again.

1:17:46

You must never talk

1:17:48

with your little, your leprechaun logic of boons

1:17:50

and promises.

1:17:52

Yeah, this, I don't want to talk to

1:17:54

you anymore. That's great. Okay, bye. 10 minutes.

1:17:57

Go away.

1:17:58

He drifts backwards.

1:17:59

wearing his Golden Arches marijuana's

1:18:02

over 100 billion stone shirt. God,

1:18:07

I'm sorry,

1:18:07

are you okay? It's, we're about

1:18:09

to see you again. That was awful. Yeah. That

1:18:12

was awful. I know, I know. Oh man, Kord, I can't.

1:18:15

I know. I can't watch you die.

1:18:18

Okay, well, uh, hmm. So

1:18:21

you want to go first? What

1:18:23

if we just sit here in

1:18:26

this really nice grass,

1:18:27

back to back, and

1:18:31

see if she shows up?

1:18:34

Yeah,

1:18:34

okay, let's do that. Let's see. And then I don't

1:18:36

have to

1:18:36

see? Is that okay? Yeah. And

1:18:39

we could just be together. Kordelia

1:18:42

sits and turns away

1:18:46

from Albie.

1:18:48

Albie sits and

1:18:50

leans her head against Kordelia's

1:18:53

back.

1:18:58

Weird day. Weird

1:19:01

day. You know,

1:19:05

I did sort of think it

1:19:08

might be you and

1:19:10

me at the end. What

1:19:12

do you mean? What do you mean?

1:19:18

I mean, like, I mean, you're not in

1:19:21

the whole thing? Mm. You know you needed

1:19:23

to. You need to live here? Yeah. I

1:19:27

guess I'm just

1:19:30

so glad I do. Albie,

1:19:34

are you going to the bathroom right now? No.

1:19:38

Okay, I'm sorry. I sat in something wet. I

1:19:40

thought that was you. I know you're... I

1:19:43

wouldn't do that to you. Okay, alright, I just need

1:19:46

a shift. It's probably just

1:19:49

do. You

1:19:51

know, speaking

1:19:53

of do. Yeah.

1:19:55

It's really lovely

1:19:56

out here. It's really

1:19:58

nice. with the grass

1:20:02

and the trees. Albie

1:20:08

just kind of lays

1:20:11

backwards so that her head is like next

1:20:13

to Cordelia's lap and

1:20:15

she's just like she's got her eyes closed

1:20:18

and her head is resting in the grass.

1:20:20

Cordelia lays down too. It's

1:20:22

really pretty here. It smells

1:20:25

nice. Yeah

1:20:27

if it wasn't for the fact that we condemned a lot of

1:20:29

souls to hell. Yeah I know. I would

1:20:32

say we should leave it the way it is. I

1:20:34

just keep thinking about Renna. You

1:20:39

know it's Renna right? I do. Okay

1:20:43

cool.

1:20:45

I mean fuck her and everything but.

1:20:47

Yeah exactly. Albie reaches

1:20:50

her hand behind her to grasp

1:20:53

Cordelia's hand. Cordelia

1:20:56

holds it. Maybe she didn't make it. Uh

1:21:01

look I don't know I didn't I didn't make the

1:21:03

I forgot I actually kind of forgot

1:21:04

about that. I just knew we were coming.

1:21:07

You did? I'm sorry I just like everything happens

1:21:09

fast here. From

1:21:10

the trees you hear uh

1:21:12

we're at five minutes just a heads up. Oh

1:21:15

my god. He's

1:21:17

a lot. I

1:21:19

can see why they were like don't be in hell

1:21:21

with us go up there. Yeah just please

1:21:24

just go somewhere else and do your

1:21:25

thing for sure. Yeah. You

1:21:28

hear a rustling. I'll

1:21:30

be a strip titan. You can't

1:21:34

tell if it's the wind or the trees or what's

1:21:36

happening but it's a distinct rustling

1:21:38

and it's getting louder. Um

1:21:43

is

1:21:44

that you or?

1:21:46

No okay. It's

1:21:53

okay. It's okay. I'm ready. Getting

1:21:55

louder. I'm ready. It's

1:22:01

getting louder and louder. Come

1:22:03

on! And then it stops. Oh.

1:22:10

And as you laugh, the thin woman emerges from

1:22:12

the bushes. She's moving extremely quickly.

1:22:15

And with a long rapier, Corgilia, she stabs

1:22:17

you right through the chest. Albi, you feel

1:22:19

it as it moves through your own chest and out through

1:22:21

your heart. Both of your hearts

1:22:23

have been pierced by the same rapier. Wait.

1:22:31

Not me.

1:22:34

Corgla looks down at the blade in her chest.

1:22:38

And with a hand not holding Albi's,

1:22:40

she pulls Virginia's eyes from where

1:22:42

she had tucked them into her fur.

1:22:45

And she lets them drop to the ground. No point.

1:22:49

Letting Virginia rest in peace. She's

1:22:52

flown forward.

1:22:54

And the last thing those eyes see and

1:22:56

that you see is this thin woman

1:22:58

before you. She falls to the ground. All of

1:23:00

her clothes fall into a

1:23:02

heap on the ground and out from underneath.

1:23:06

Looks a seagull. Pops

1:23:08

its head out. Looks squirrely to both

1:23:10

sides. It caws. It

1:23:13

spreads its wings and it flies off into

1:23:15

the sky. The last thing your

1:23:17

ears hear are, We're

1:23:18

at two minutes. Two

1:23:21

minutes.

1:23:24

Your bodies fall from below. You pale and useless

1:23:26

like the skin of some great snake, left

1:23:29

there for giant third graders on a field

1:23:31

trip to find and touch with sticks.

1:23:35

If you were to look back, you would

1:23:37

see nothing more than the shell that used to contain

1:23:39

you. No more you than

1:23:41

a pair of jinkos you took off in eighth grade,

1:23:44

not realizing you'd never put them back on. Finally,

1:23:48

you stand naked in the wind

1:23:50

and melt into the sun. Your

1:23:52

breath, freed from its restless tides,

1:23:56

rises and expands and

1:23:58

seeks God unencumbered.

1:24:00

You have reached the mountaintop. Only

1:24:04

now may you climb. The

1:24:06

earth has claimed your limbs. Only

1:24:08

now shall you truly dance.

1:24:11

Like a candle snuffed, the light is

1:24:13

gone, but the smoke remains.

1:24:16

The scent of you fills the room. You

1:24:19

have no eyes to see, but also no

1:24:21

skull to block the perimeter of vision. All

1:24:24

around you is

1:24:25

a growing light.

1:24:28

Cordelia, you

1:24:30

approach it

1:24:32

before a loud buzzer sounds and you hear a

1:24:34

voice say, consulted with demons,

1:24:38

application denied,

1:24:40

and then you're falling.

1:24:43

Albie, you approach.

1:24:47

Again the buzzer.

1:24:48

You hear the same voice say, murder,

1:24:51

rage,

1:24:52

anxiety, which we consider sinful,

1:24:55

and turning your back on Nirvana,

1:24:57

application denied, and

1:25:00

then you're falling. Then there's bellow.

1:25:03

You approach third. Once

1:25:05

again the buzzer sounds as you hear a voice

1:25:07

say, is a demon, nothing

1:25:10

personal but application denied,

1:25:13

and then you're falling. Only half.

1:25:15

The bones be.

1:25:17

You approach last.

1:25:19

Before you can even make it very close to

1:25:21

the light though, the buzzer just begins sounding over

1:25:24

and over again. Application, the

1:25:26

most denied it has ever been. Well,

1:25:28

I would like you. All

1:25:31

of you falling and falling

1:25:34

and falling and falling for

1:25:36

what feels like something between a millionth of a second

1:25:39

and longer than you were ever alive. Everything

1:25:42

goes black as the sun and the 17 moons

1:25:45

turn their backs on you. You're

1:25:47

in freefall, but the sickening

1:25:49

feeling of the ground rushing up to claim you is

1:25:52

replaced by a complete void.

1:25:54

Even the ground has turned its back from you.

1:25:57

But not everything has turned its back

1:25:59

on you. A

1:26:01

strange heat fills your, I

1:26:04

wanna say, chest? It's

1:26:07

weird, you have a chest again. It's

1:26:09

as if this awful heat is reforming

1:26:12

you, giving you something for you to define yourself

1:26:14

against. There's this horrible, growing,

1:26:17

hot, humid air. It feels like

1:26:19

fucking in August with no AC when you're 19. It's

1:26:22

the absolute worst, but what are you gonna do? Not

1:26:24

fuck, buddy, I don't think so. You feel

1:26:26

sweat pouring off of your skin as it

1:26:28

sizzles like bacon, and it's the sweetest

1:26:30

goddamn feeling in the world. You're

1:26:33

you! You're you, baby! Not the you you used

1:26:35

to catch in mirrors and shutter rats, but the real

1:26:38

you you always knew you were. You

1:26:40

look around, and you see your comrades.

1:26:43

All of you, but no, no, sirfry, but okay,

1:26:45

that's the rest of you. They look like the version

1:26:47

of them that you picture in your head

1:26:49

when you talk about them in stories. You're

1:26:51

cruising down a dark desert highway, cool

1:26:54

wind in your hair. The bright neon sign

1:26:56

reads, welcome to hell, smoke them if

1:26:58

you got them. The population sign is

1:27:01

moving upwards too fast to read. It

1:27:03

pauses briefly to read. Depressing, ain't

1:27:05

it? Your car? Fuck

1:27:07

yeah, yeah, you're driving a car. It's a cherry red 1957

1:27:09

Chevy Bel Air at 166 miles an hour. You

1:27:14

don't know what a car is, but you can get the

1:27:16

gist of it. You know exactly what the gist

1:27:18

of this is. Your car tears off

1:27:21

down the desert highway towards an enormous

1:27:23

wooden gate, the size of the colossus

1:27:25

of roads. Torch is lying, it's stone

1:27:27

supports evoking a 1993 blockbuster

1:27:30

covered under parody law. Slowly,

1:27:33

the gates begin to open, but your car

1:27:35

is moving too fast. It crashes into

1:27:37

them, chilling all of you instantly. Good

1:27:39

luck if you're dead. You emerge, you ash

1:27:41

in

1:27:41

space from the explosion, blinking

1:27:43

as if to say, what a woman, and you see

1:27:46

it all laid out before you. This

1:27:49

is hell. Endless caves

1:27:51

and caverns under lit by flame stretch

1:27:54

on infinitely in MCS'er

1:27:55

dimensions. If you switch, you

1:27:57

can just

1:27:58

see the unpaid or interned.

1:27:59

of roof hills of magic struggling

1:28:02

to finish drawing hell itself, has tiny

1:28:04

imps with the face of Branson Reese laugh

1:28:06

maniacally and crack whips at them. Neon

1:28:09

signs advertising every possible

1:28:11

sin slashed before you. You take

1:28:13

it in like a Beverly hillbilly in an opening

1:28:16

credit. Averist. Sloth.

1:28:18

Wrath. Chastity? The lights

1:28:20

flicker off and it changes to lust as millions

1:28:23

of damn souls rush in through its seedy

1:28:26

purple velvet doors. A large

1:28:28

bulldog that looks almost nothing like

1:28:30

a real bulldog and everything like a burly 1940s

1:28:33

union worker chases a cat who looks

1:28:35

almost nothing like an actual cat and everything

1:28:38

like a skinny 1940s alcoholic

1:28:40

until the cat turns and slicking

1:28:43

back its hair and affecting a regal disposition

1:28:45

pulls out a knife and splits the bulldog's throat

1:28:47

playing it like a large cello you

1:28:49

round a corner and are almost taken out by

1:28:52

a Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade of demons.

1:28:54

A hoda caught me with wings like a bat

1:28:56

and the eyes of a spider and an unchanged

1:28:59

Al Roker in winter wear announced to the

1:29:01

camera. Ladies and gentlemen the parade

1:29:03

of adulterers as hundreds of unfaithful

1:29:06

spouses perform acts of marital

1:29:08

infidelity on float-sized marital beds.

1:29:11

Your pulls up onto the floats like fair fuelers

1:29:13

and a microphone is placed in front of Frederick de

1:29:15

Bonesby. Freddy what do you say? The

1:29:21

crowd goes wild

1:29:23

welcome to hell baby welcome home.

1:29:27

All right there wow Red

1:29:31

that was amazing that

1:29:44

was Ali Fisher and

1:29:46

Cornelia Ali

1:29:49

Manado

1:29:49

with Albie Christopher

1:29:52

Hastings with Frederick de Bonesby

1:29:55

Jolipore and fellow She's

1:29:58

flat as stir-fry and

1:30:01

Brett DeGree says everything and

1:30:03

everyone else. Rote

1:30:05

Tales of Magic is produced by Bucket

1:30:08

and Milk. And it is

1:30:10

a sound designed by Michael

1:30:12

Wolf, with additional sound

1:30:14

designs from Michael Jelce

1:30:16

and Taylor Moore. And as always,

1:30:18

special thanks for Tyler Puttin

1:30:20

and Sidney and Benjamin Paul.

1:30:23

And our big freak, saying with

1:30:25

me, Christina Lopez!

1:30:35

Well, listeners, it's another episode

1:30:37

of Rude Tales of Magic, and it's not

1:30:40

even over yet! That's right, fool!

1:30:43

It's midnight, somewhere far,

1:30:45

far away from our main story. A

1:30:48

brave little girl lies extremely

1:30:51

still in her bed, still

1:30:53

awake long past her bedtime.

1:30:56

Her closet has been making the

1:30:58

strangest noises for the past several minutes.

1:31:02

It's the kind of thing her parents would tell her is nothing

1:31:04

to be worried about. But already, she's

1:31:06

learned that what adults say and

1:31:08

what adults mean aren't

1:31:11

always the same thing. The

1:31:14

rustling in her closet grows louder, more

1:31:17

ominous. She

1:31:20

holds her breath as the closet door creaks

1:31:22

open,

1:31:23

and a large black finger crests

1:31:26

the side of the door. Her

1:31:28

pupils are tiny lifeboats in

1:31:30

a sea of sclera as her eyes go

1:31:32

wider than she ever thought possible. A

1:31:36

horrible creature shambles out of

1:31:38

her closet.

1:31:41

Hello!

1:31:43

I'm your guardian angel, and

1:31:46

I've sort of... You'll

1:31:48

be the first I get it right. You'll be the first I get it right.

1:31:51

And don't worry, I've got an incentive, because if I get you right and

1:31:53

get more right, then I can be my ex-fiancee

1:31:55

guardian angel. Why

1:31:59

do you have...

1:31:59

wings.

1:32:01

You get to pick your wings in heaven.