0:01

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

0:09

Well, well, well, look who it is.

0:12

I haven't seen you around these parts

0:14

in nigh on a fortnight.

0:17

That's right, it's been an entire fortnight

0:20

since you've listened to Rude Tales

0:22

of Magic. And I've just been

0:25

here in a graveyard. Luckily

0:27

I don't need food

0:29

or water. And it's fine

0:31

that the crows peck my rotting eyeballs.

0:35

It's called a lore dump. You

0:37

like that? That's now you know about me,

0:39

the grave freaker. But that's not what you're

0:41

here for. You're here to hear the

0:43

story of Rude Tales

0:45

of Magic. Welcome

0:51

back to Rude Tales of Magic. What

0:54

a long, strange trip it is.

0:57

Our heroes have left the town of Manassas,

0:59

Virginia in their rear view and have continued

1:02

off through the James Woods on their

1:04

way to the Teenage Woods, home

1:06

of the Soaking Valley and the site of their

1:08

old college, Polaris University,

1:11

now known as the Forbidden Zone.

1:14

Up to speed? You better be! The

1:16

episode is flying forward! They've

1:18

stopped in for a well-earned drink at

1:20

a tavern called the Purring

1:23

and Cherished Family Pet. A

1:26

kindly human bartender with leather

1:29

wrist braces cleans a glass

1:31

and makes sympathetic conversation.

1:33

Ah, yes. It

1:37

can be so difficult to go on an adventure

1:39

of any size whatsoever. Big,

1:42

small, these

1:44

are the challenges that shape us. Yeah.

1:47

So if we could just get that pitcher? Sure

1:49

thing. It can be so difficult to

1:52

order a pitcher. I know there are so many

1:54

introverts in this big, scary world.

1:58

I don't think of myself. As

2:00

an introvert. No you don't? Well

2:03

it can be so brave to be

2:05

an extrovert. Albie is like shrugging

2:07

at Cordelia who's like waiting for them to bring

2:09

a picture back. I didn't

2:12

I'm sorry. I didn't get your name. Ah That's

2:15

probably because I didn't give it to you.

2:18

My name is the friend

2:20

man. Hey

2:23

friend man, I'm Belo. Belo?

2:25

Yeah. Brinson

2:31

died. I

2:33

saw his eyes like take

2:36

over his people took over

2:38

his life. I gotta say, Belo in all my years

2:41

no travelers have ever been so friendly

2:43

as to ask me my name.

2:45

But you were the first you asked me my name and

2:47

my name is the friend man. Wow.

2:50

That's great. What flavor of beer did you

2:52

want? Uh, I think

2:55

we wanted an ale. An ale? Yeah.

2:57

Yeah.

2:57

Ale flavored beer

2:59

coming right up. Thank you friend

3:01

man. Oh, did you not want ale flavored

3:03

beer? Well, I wanted an I wanted the type of

3:05

beer to be ale But I suppose the flavor I wanted

3:08

was Albie help me out. Wheat?

3:11

Yeah. Cops?

3:13

Barley? We'd be happy to serve

3:15

that to you. You know, it seems like you

3:17

guys have been on an incredible journey

3:20

from start to finish. But it's

3:22

not quite finished yet. And so you

3:25

need your drinks and your provisions along

3:27

the way. Yeah. I hope that I can

3:29

be helpful. I guess maybe what I should

3:31

have asked is what flavors beer do

3:33

you have? Oh, that's a great question.

3:36

But unfortunately, that part of the

3:38

conversation has come to a beautiful conclusion.

3:40

And I will give you now your ale flavored beer.

3:43

Here you go. An enormous

3:44

pitcher of it. Thank you. Thank

3:46

you friend man. How much? There's

3:49

no charge here. Oh. I'm happy to

3:51

just provide beer for you. And that's

3:53

why my business is failing.

3:55

Oh, I'm sorry.

3:58

I'm sorry to hear that. But it's not the only. reason.

4:01

Oh, did. What's the other

4:03

reason? Well, if you look... I'll

4:06

be a little bit sorry. I'll be a little bit bellow.

4:08

Oh, bellow like realizes what he's done

4:11

and this like... Oh I understand. You

4:13

don't want to know any. No, no, no. We

4:15

want to hear it. You're sending nonverbal signals

4:17

to each other. Bellow. Okay. Bellow puts

4:19

a gold on the bar. A

4:22

single gold piece. A single gold piece. As

4:25

payment for the beer? As a tip.

4:27

Thank you so much. For good service. I

4:30

accept. Okay.

4:34

And I encourage you all to feel free to do

4:37

the stuff you want to do here in this tavern.

4:41

Great, thanks. Albie brings

4:43

the beer over to Cordelia. She takes

4:46

a big sip. What is

4:48

this? Like wheat flavored?

4:49

It's ale flavored. It's ale

4:52

flavored. Yeah. Okay.

4:54

So wait, I want to talk more about these wrestling moves. Oh,

4:58

the moves? Well, I

5:00

don't know her favorite move. I'm supposed to wrestle with her. Well,

5:02

she's not in this. I mean, she, they're moves.

5:04

She likes like, like, well, she, so like her

5:06

favorite wrestler has some signature moves. Okay.

5:08

Yes. So her favorite wrestler is elaborate Donna.

5:11

Elaborate Donna. Yeah. Okay.

5:13

Yeah. All right. Okay. Like if you follow

5:16

like the storylines, she

5:18

has like a big feud with

5:21

rock hot Rhonda San Antonio. Rock

5:24

hot Rhonda San Antonio.

5:26

Yeah. Okay. Okay. Donna.

5:30

Rock. Okay.

5:32

Are you like really

5:35

indivel? I'm Yes.

5:42

That's great. Yeah.

5:47

So yeah. Anyways, elaborate

5:51

Donna does the people's foot,

5:53

which is basically a big kick. Oh,

5:56

that's awesome. Yeah.

5:58

And when is when does the show go through? through? Well,

6:03

like, like they'll come

6:05

to town like once a year, but they sort of they sort

6:07

of just like do a circuit around All

6:10

the suburbs outside of capital city cool

6:12

So like if you're a fan you can easily go to like

6:14

a bunch of shows nice

6:16

No, they different shows every night or is it the same

6:18

thing? Oh different. Oh really? Yeah

6:20

Oh, yeah, so it's sort of an okay. Yeah,

6:22

and there's like a newsletter she gets yes She

6:25

gets a newsletter with like updates and like yeah, okay

6:28

You can follow along great as she gets under for the newsletter.

6:31

Oh You're

6:33

in you really I know I'm sorry.

6:35

I'm just I'm just picking up on what I'll be picking

6:37

up on You're like you

6:40

got a crush. I just

6:42

try to sign up for a newsletter. Is it

6:44

weird? Is that weird? Was it too soon? I

6:47

had sex on there Okay,

6:50

Cordelia. I'm sorry. It's

6:52

so difficult to admit that you've got a crush

6:55

on a person Oh, I'm sorry

6:58

was I eavesdropping you're just very close

7:00

well, you're just very loud Yeah, but

7:02

that's completely fine. It can be so difficult

7:04

to be a loud person in a quiet man's world

7:07

Oh, I feel oh, thank you.

7:09

Oh, you're very welcome Also,

7:12

I suppose difficult to be a quiet person

7:14

in a loud man's world No matter what life

7:16

has many difficulties and every single

7:19

person is brave.

7:19

Well wait barking you do you think it

7:22

is brave to? Admit

7:24

the over crush on someone you have sex with

7:25

I think everyone's brave and so yes I do

7:28

think it's brave to admit that you have a crush on someone

7:30

that you've had sex with What

7:32

about cowards cowards what of

7:34

them

7:35

are they it's so brave to live like that

7:38

afraid of every shadow afraid

7:40

of every spider crawling across your hand

7:43

what you're also afraid of

7:44

Albie's gonna like Link

7:46

away I kind of head over to the bones

7:49

being a surprise table. It's

7:51

so important to leave me Frederick

7:56

is is looking at the

7:58

left hand which has he

8:01

had dipped in the feces

8:03

of What remained

8:06

of spilled milk the pig?

8:09

It's dry. It's flaking And

8:12

I'm concerned Stir-fry

8:16

there is a terrible energy

8:18

inside of me that I Fear

8:20

this poo-poo can no longer

8:23

keep it bay for much longer. It is drying

8:25

out Okay, okay Hmm

8:29

and it's coming for you first Pardon,

8:32

that's what he said. He really has

8:34

a problem with you my old servant Worcester.

8:37

I've talked about him I'm sure or not anyway

8:41

He's taken the form of a terrible entity

8:44

that Hates you just hates

8:46

you so much just hates you So

8:49

much and as you discuss him Frederick,

8:52

can you make a wisdom saving throw for me? Mm-hmm 17 17. All

8:56

right, you feel a slight tremor

8:58

a very very small vibration in

9:00

this hand as you're discussing Worcester

9:03

in stir-fry and the connection between

9:05

the two you just you feel a very very

9:08

very gentle Your hand

9:10

just begins to reach just a little bit towards stir-fry.

9:12

Oh, there it is. You see this. I'm not doing this It

9:15

wants to choke you and

9:17

This is

9:19

awful stir-fry, what do I do?

9:22

Should you run from me run forever

9:25

to save your life as Small

9:27

as it may be Ready how dare

9:30

you me

9:30

run from you my best friend and

9:33

oldest companion. No, I'm

9:35

with you too thick and thin Let's try something

9:37

stir-fry rushes to the dartboard pulls out all the

9:39

darts and runs over. Hey He

9:43

put he puts one dart in front of the

9:45

bones bees left hand and one in his right hand

9:48

Hmm, okay Random,

9:51

but let's see

9:52

where you going. Okay, we use your healthy

9:54

hand to try to hit the dartboard Freddie

9:56

throws a dart. Yeah, make a Make

9:59

a dexterity roll Darts, Darity.

10:02

Uh, two. Two. Uh, you hit

10:04

one of the people who was near the dartboard, who

10:06

was upset that all of their darts were pulled

10:08

out of the dartboard. You hit them. Watch where you're going!

10:11

Roll for damage. Roll a d4.

10:15

One. One? Uh, you hit this guy.

10:18

It hits him right in the cheek. He goes, ow, Jesus

10:20

Christ! I was trying to play darts alone! Shut

10:22

the fuck up! Okay, now try

10:24

to throw a dart with your other hand.

10:27

Alright. With a... curious

10:30

science, stir-fry? And he throws

10:33

the dart with his left hand, aiming right

10:35

for that dartboard. Uh, the

10:37

hand is not listening to you, and it throws the dart

10:39

directly at stir-fry, right between his eyes.

10:41

Woohoo! Steph? What?

10:45

Stir-fry uses an uncanny dodge. Jesus.

10:47

Who, too? Jesus. Okay, yeah,

10:50

he uses it to avoid the dart.

10:53

Frederick. Freddie punches you with his left hand. Ow! Jesus

10:56

Christ, okay. I don't know what's happening! Experiment

10:59

over! We gotta stop this damn hand! I

11:02

can keep barely control, but... I don't...

11:05

Do you know, stir-fry, you used

11:07

to do all sorts of things in the

11:09

cellar of the castle. Do you

11:12

know where to preserve this magic? Preserve!

11:15

Preserve! Preserve! Stir-fry looks behind

11:17

the bar. He's searching to see some pickled

11:19

eggs or something. Yeah, you see a very friendly man

11:22

behind the bar. He's like, he's

11:23

cleaning a tanker

11:25

to Vail. Sir. Yes?

11:29

How much for that bottle of vinegar? Well,

11:31

as I told your friends, I do not charge for these drinks.

11:34

And so, I do not charge for the bottle of vinegar

11:37

either. It's yours if you want it. Thank you so

11:39

much. I love you and you're really fine. Thank

11:41

you so much. It's nice to hear that. I love

11:43

you, too. Oh, thank you. I love you as well. It's nice

11:45

to hear it back and forth a little bit. Sometimes you sit

11:47

out loud and it just sort of disperses into the

11:49

air. And he hands you the vinegar. Oh,

11:52

beautiful. I love you. Yes, I heard

11:54

you the first time. It's always fun to hear it back

11:56

and forth. I am 100% friendly and you're exploring.

11:59

my outer limits. Yes, well, I love you, so

12:02

that was very. I've said it once. And it's,

12:04

you know, the repetition makes

12:06

a hot grove on. It can be so brave

12:08

to be so needy. Yes, yes.

12:12

I love you. stir fry

12:15

walks back to the bones beat, places

12:17

the jar in front of his left hand and

12:20

holds down the base. All right,

12:23

let's try to keep the

12:25

hand. If

12:27

you can stick your hand into the pickle,

12:30

stick your hand into the jar. Freddie

12:32

thunks his hand in the jar. stir fry grabs some

12:34

towels that he had stolen from the bar. Thievery

12:36

is his way, even in love, baby. And

12:39

he wraps the hand around the jar, trying

12:41

to keep it trapped inside the pickling

12:44

solution.

12:44

Whoa, what stinks over here? It's me.

12:48

We've dunked my purple hand in

12:50

vinegar

12:50

with cooked eggs. Oh,

12:54

my brothers and

12:56

sisters and I used to do stuff like this and then dare

12:58

each other to drink it as I would say.

13:00

No. Oh, cool. No, that

13:02

would be very dangerous. We are holding

13:04

back dark magic with

13:07

stinky poo poo hand. Yeah,

13:09

Albie, we're holding back dark magic with stinky poo

13:11

poo hand. I think it's pretty obvious. Oh,

13:15

yeah. Thank you, stir fry. This

13:17

is exactly how you would make pickled cucumbers.

13:20

Yes. At home. Yes. That's

13:22

funny. Knock off the word cucumber.

13:26

Johnson Christ. Yeah, pal.

13:30

Welcome to culinary mastery. Well,

13:34

thank you. I hope this hand no

13:36

longer tries to kill you. Stir fry puts his

13:38

hand on the bones be shoulder. It

13:41

means so much to me that you care enough to not

13:44

kill me that you want to talk to me about helping you

13:46

not kill me. Really, it's a long way for us

13:48

and I'm receiving it as love. And

13:52

stir fry the bartender puts his hand on your shoulder

13:54

and says, I

13:56

thank you guys so much, all of you, for

13:58

your patronage of my family.

13:59

beautiful and wonderful bar, the

14:02

purring and cherished family pet. Unfortunately

14:05

now it's closing time. You don't have

14:07

to go home and you don't have to do anything you don't

14:09

want to do, but you cannot stay here.

14:11

So if you want to stay here that's the

14:14

one thing that you can't do even if you

14:16

want to do it. Thank you so much for

14:18

hanging out in the wreckage of my bar.

14:21

As you might have noticed, every single aspect

14:23

of this bar that you didn't directly interact with

14:25

was recently ruined when a 12-headed

14:27

demon flew through town and absolutely

14:29

destroyed my bar. I'm trying to

14:32

maintain a positive attitude, but as you can

14:34

imagine I'm very sad. One

14:36

of the bravest ways to feel.

14:37

Did he um did the

14:39

demon say something about siring

14:42

and condoms? Yes

14:44

he did he said something about siring new

14:47

stars in the night sky, but when he was

14:49

tired of siring new stars in the night sky

14:51

he would wear a condom made from the skin of the

14:53

Emperor. Yeah. Lucky for

14:56

the Emperor I guess. The Emperor doesn't

14:58

exist anymore in this era of Cordelian

15:01

history. But see even in wreckage

15:03

we can all appreciate poetry. Yes

15:05

of course. Poetry is one of the ways

15:07

that we communicate to each other. I must now

15:09

insist that you leave the wreckage of my bar and

15:11

I thank you for coming here.

15:13

Should we use the door? Yes

15:15

the door is one of the last parts of the bar that

15:17

wasn't destroyed by this wretched demon. Okay.

15:20

Okay. If you don't want to use the door you

15:22

can walk to either side of the door. I'll use

15:25

the door. I'll

15:26

use the door. It's unimportant to me

15:28

who does it does not use the door. Bello

15:32

leaves him one more gold piece. Two

15:34

gold pieces. First I had no

15:36

gold pieces. Then I had one. Already

15:39

I've doubled my gold pieces. I must

15:41

remember not to get greedy, but if I do I

15:43

will forgive myself. I thought I could help

15:46

with reconstruction. Thank you so much.

15:48

Two gold will go a long way towards

15:50

buying

15:51

supplies. Yeah.

15:54

And labor. Well bye. Good luck

15:56

friend man. Thank you so much.

16:00

I'll always remember him as the friend

16:02

man. The door's locked. The

16:04

door is locked. I locked it by accident. You're going to have

16:06

to step to either side of the door. The door

16:08

is no longer an option. So the two options

16:11

you don't have are to stay here in the bar or

16:13

to use the door.

16:14

The rest of the world is yours to explore.

16:16

Now go on an amazing and incredible

16:19

adventure. I sense it's just beginning.

16:21

Is it not just jammed? It feels like it might just be

16:24

jammed. If you don't get the fuck out of my bar. Cordelia,

16:27

is it a push? Oh, it's

16:29

a pole? No, but it's still locked.

16:31

She walks around. Okay. Friend man,

16:33

I meant to ask you, have you heard any news from the

16:36

Soaking Valley? Well, you hear the door

16:38

shake as if she's trying to come back in. Yes,

16:43

there are those who have come this way from

16:45

the Soaking Valley. They don't talk much,

16:47

but they say something awful is happening there.

16:51

Any further details? Well,

16:53

they didn't give it to me. And so if I were giving it

16:55

to you, I would be a liar. And that would be

16:57

okay. Belo sort of like reaches

17:01

into his coin purse.

17:03

Oh, you're doing this move? Huh?

17:05

You're doing this, but you're holding the coin. I

17:07

would be inventing information to give

17:10

to you. If you want me to do that, I will do that for the, as

17:12

you know, desperately needed gold.

17:14

Guys, let's just go. Okay.

17:16

Bye. Thank

17:17

you so much. You all insisted

17:19

on talking to me so much. Wow.

17:25

That guy. Well,

17:30

on the road again. Oh,

17:32

speaking of that, you know

17:35

how we haven't been on the main road? Yeah.

17:37

Well, coming up soon, we're gonna have to

17:39

because there's sort of a natural like

17:42

choke point between the James Woods

17:44

and the teenage woods. This was my normal route

17:46

to school, you know,

17:50

most of the border between the woods. There's

17:53

like a maybe you've heard of it. The SES.

17:56

It's like a fog wall.

17:58

It's like a big. It's like a big. giant wall

18:00

of fog, it's called the, well,

18:03

the SES. Would Albie have heard of this as

18:05

a person who lived in the Teenage Woods? No,

18:08

because remember how far Albie was, you

18:10

were close to school, you had never even journeyed

18:13

as far east as the Soaking Valley.

18:15

That's right. So I think it's very unlikely. If you wanna make a

18:17

roll, you can roll with disadvantage, you can make an intelligence

18:19

roll. Okay. 12. 12?

18:25

Something

18:27

about SES does ring a bell for you. You've

18:30

heard of it, it's definitely something

18:33

that, it's somewhere in the back of your mind, you've heard the letters

18:35

SES together like that.

18:36

Okay. Yeah, it sort of sounds

18:39

familiar, so we wanna. Yeah, I mean,

18:41

maybe you've heard of it, the Skin Eating

18:44

Storm. The Skin Eating Storm.

18:46

Yeah. Yeah. My brother

18:48

might've mentioned something about that in one

18:50

of his letters.

18:51

Yeah, because it's like, if you notice, like if you feel

18:53

for a moment here in the James Woods, the

18:56

wind is clockwise. Yeah. Sure.

19:01

well, that's counterclockwise. Uh-huh. And

19:03

where they sort of like butt up against each other.

19:06

Skin Eating Storm. Yeah, it's a storm that eats skin.

19:09

Okay, we'll avoid that

19:11

for sure. But there is, on the main path,

19:14

there is a gap. And that's why that's

19:16

where the path is. Oh, big yikes.

19:18

Well, Virginia's dead. But

19:21

that puts us right on a dead, you

19:23

know, that puts us right on track for the Soaking

19:26

Valley too. Okay. Great.

19:29

Let's go. Let's come on, come on, come on, come on, come

19:31

on. Let's go, baby. All right, Sturf. Sturf,

19:34

I sort of rushes up ahead, sort of

19:37

a traveling along, looking around. He's

19:39

trying, he wants to make sure, this might be a dangerous

19:41

path, so he wants to protect his friends. So you're

19:44

looking, you're looking to see what you can see. Sturf, I make a perception

19:46

roll for me. Okay. Okay.

19:51

Okay, so for a 10,

19:54

you're able to see that you guys are actually on,

19:56

you know, you've been deep into the James Woods.

19:58

There's the main road that cut.

19:59

through the James Woods straight from Brian Doyle Falls

20:02

all the way through to the Teenage Woods. You're not on that

20:04

road and you haven't been on that road for

20:07

the entirety of your time in the James Woods. However,

20:10

you have been on, there's minor roads, there's

20:12

little, you know, there's cobblestone

20:14

roads, there's little, there's beaten paths and

20:16

you've been using those. And as you look

20:18

up ahead, you see it.

20:20

You see the main road. Oh

20:23

baby, yes! We're back on the road,

20:26

baby. Wait, wait, wait, wait, he's on the road again.

20:29

Hey everyone, we're on the road

20:31

again! Okay, stir fry, shush.

20:34

Okay, all right, all right. Stir

20:39

fry, keeps, stir fry walks forward,

20:42

keeps moving. And for a 10, stir fry, you

20:44

walk, you are completely oblivious to

20:46

when you walk right past a T-stain

20:48

poster on one of the trees.

20:49

Albie is also on the lookout. Okay,

20:52

Albie, can you make a perception roll for me? 19. Albie,

20:56

you, you watch as stir fry walks directly

20:59

past, it's just right above eye level

21:02

for stir fry. It's just right up above where

21:04

a kenku's eyes would, would wander, you see a

21:06

T-stained wanted

21:09

poster. Okay. And on it, you see photo-realistic line drawings

21:12

of each of you in and out of your witch

21:19

hunter disguises. Hot Roddy

21:21

rounds out the cast. He's also

21:23

in there, he's not, there's no drawing of Hot Roddy in a witch hunter disguise,

21:25

but there is one of all of you. And it says, rules

21:28

haven six, as wanted as ever. Branson is bellow there.

21:30

In the drawing? Yeah. Yes, he is.

21:35

Albie rips the poster off the,

21:38

off the tree. Revealing another poster under it, the same

21:40

poster. Again.

21:42

Revealing the tree they just had to up. Albie runs

21:45

back to her friends and she starts, and

21:49

she passes them around. Guys, look. I don't think this is

21:52

from the witch hunters, because

21:56

look, bellows on there. Or

22:00

they've learned. Or

22:03

they've learned. Better than magic

22:05

rocks that call them directly. I

22:08

mean, it's weird, right? If it wasn't

22:10

the witch hunters, who else would it be? Do

22:13

you think Hot Roddy flipped on us? No,

22:15

I didn't like the guy, but I don't

22:17

think he'd flip. Yeah, that would be surprising

22:19

to me. Cordelia, he hands the piece of paper

22:21

to Bonesby, because she thinks of the

22:23

Bonesby as the person who keeps the papers. Thank

22:26

you. I'll add it to my files.

22:28

Although it's surprising

22:31

that he's on the poster, too. I thought, do

22:34

you think he

22:36

escaped? Oh.

22:39

How close is Philthadelphia to the S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W.

22:43

Not close. Okay.

22:46

Oh, dang. Maybe.

22:49

Our boy's fucking tough as hell. He

22:51

probably escaped and fucking kicked the damn goddamn asses.

22:53

Okay, but that just means that, you know, we're gonna have

22:55

to be really careful

22:57

on this main road. They see us here

23:00

in and out of our disguises. I'll

23:02

be weird stuff

23:03

as hell. We can kick anyone's guard at my house. I...

23:06

let's go through the part that won't take our skin

23:09

off. I just got it. And

23:11

then get back into something that's

23:13

not a road. Is there anything Branson

23:16

written besides the headline you

23:18

described? Just the information I gave you. You don't need to

23:20

make a perception roll for a piece of paper directly in front of your face.

23:24

Great. Okay. Albie's

23:28

just gonna move forward on

23:30

the lookout. Okay, and as you do, you see

23:32

many, many, many more wanted posters.

23:34

She's taking them down as she sees them. Okay,

23:36

great. And every time you do, there's one up right

23:38

under, so never a third. Great. All

23:43

right, everyone, let's get off the road for the moment. Belo

23:46

plunges into the undergrowth. You're

23:48

into the undergrowth. There's vines and there's leaves

23:50

and there's brush all around you. There's dirt and

23:52

there's worms and there's rocks. You're

23:54

in the woods, baby. Maybe

23:57

we should find a way to disguise ourselves before we get back

23:59

on the main road.

23:59

We do have means. Stir-fry as a kid,

24:02

I have a spell. I find invisibility. I

24:04

give wild shape. Okay, but I mean, I'm

24:06

like a little worried that disguises don't even matter.

24:09

Like they already- They're better than nothing. We

24:11

have

24:11

to try something. Stir-fry goes

24:13

into his backpack, takes out his disguise kit,

24:17

and starts wrapping himself with cloth,

24:19

like a giant mummy.

24:21

All right, one of the spookiest

24:23

disguises possible. You look like

24:25

a giant mummy, which of course

24:27

is, I guess mummies in this world

24:30

are usually very small, because you're a kenku-sized mummy.

24:32

Well, stir-fry wraps- No, you said it,

24:34

and that's how it is. Mummies are small. Mummies

24:36

in Cordelia are so small! But that's what I'm saying,

24:39

Branson. He- And I agree, I'm agreeing! He

24:41

makes it so that the mouth of the mummy

24:44

is where his eyes are, and that there is a head above

24:46

his head, so the mummy is a little bit bigger

24:48

than it normally is. Bigger, a head

24:50

taller than

24:51

a normal kenku. Wow, that's

24:53

enormous. That's as big as any mummy in Cordelia

24:55

has ever been. Exactly, Branson. That's so tall.

24:58

You've made yourself a small creature look like a

25:00

big mummy, by adding one head of

25:02

height to yourself. Yes.

25:04

Okay, you look like a mummy, great job.

25:06

Is there a pumpkin around? Is

25:08

there a pumpkin around? Yeah. Oh,

25:10

unfortunately, it's late summer. There are no pumpkins

25:13

yet. Okay, I guess Cordelia will

25:15

just be invisible. Okay, great. Belo

25:18

wild shapes into a bowl. Oh.

25:23

Freddy waves

25:25

his wand through the air, and says

25:28

ancient words. The new

25:30

goblin skin ripples like a

25:32

claymation across

25:35

his bones as his face starts to distort

25:37

and change, and grows

25:40

a beard and sunglasses.

25:43

Perfect. Albie

25:46

sort of pins her ears beneath

25:49

her hair, and she's

25:52

just gonna

25:54

ask Freddy for his hat. Oh,

25:56

yes, good idea. Okay, thanks,

25:59

and she's gonna just push. over her antlers.

26:01

Okay, great, yes, you've disguised your antlers with

26:04

a big witch's hat. Ah, a human witch!

26:07

No one will fuck with us.

26:09

Okay, uh. And

26:11

I'm your pet bull. Yeah,

26:13

yeah, great, okay, okay.

26:17

She's gonna peek her head out onto the main road.

26:19

Yeah, and as you look out now on

26:21

the main road, you can see up ahead,

26:25

it starts with scattered

26:27

stones, but they get more and

26:29

more concentrated as you look up ahead, you see

26:31

the call stones. Oh

26:34

gosh. They line the road, the sides of the roads,

26:36

the call stones have been erected along

26:38

the sides of the main road. Call stones

26:40

as far as the eye can see, Albie.

26:45

All right, so there's a lot of

26:47

call stones out there. I

26:49

don't know why, I thought this was gonna be

26:53

easier. Okay,

26:56

well, do you think there are any other large

26:58

parties passing through? I mean, Moira

27:01

or, Agrarian Pimp said

27:03

there were a lot of people going this way, maybe

27:06

we could like sort of sneak in with a large party

27:08

or something? I think they were going in the opposite direction, Albie.

27:11

Okay. Have faith, Albie. You

27:14

are a witch ball-teamer with her

27:16

friend the mummy.

27:18

And me, a guy, a guy.

27:21

A powerful guy. No, no, no, no, no, no,

27:23

no, no, no. All I'm

27:26

saying is that we are going into a dangerous

27:28

spot but we have gone through so much worse,

27:31

nothing can stop us. I want to see

27:33

no fear in our eyes. I want us

27:35

to kill anyone we want to and

27:37

we will grab danger by the throat and

27:39

shove it into the ground and bury it in the

27:41

ground. And the head will stay out, the head

27:44

will stay in the ground and the body will flail out of the ground

27:46

being, please let me, no, I want my head back out

27:48

of the ground. We will say no.

27:51

Mummy makes sense. I'm

27:53

right beside you. Okay, okay. Let's

27:56

go. Albie's gonna walk.

28:00

Normally. Alright, and you step out onto the road and you're moving

28:03

onto the road, you're on the main road now. You are

28:05

surrounded on either sides by call stones with

28:07

your own faces looking back

28:10

at you, carved into these stones. With every

28:12

step, there's Cordelia, there's DeBonesby,

28:14

there's Stinky, there's Albie, there's

28:17

Bello. You see yourselves facing

28:19

in on the road. There's no mistaking that those

28:21

are your faces on those rocks as you step forward

28:24

and forward and forward moving down the road. This

28:26

really feels like overkill. Just

28:28

keep walking. You are a bull.

28:31

You are a mummy. You are

28:33

a witch. I am a guy. And you

28:35

are a talking breeze. There is not

28:37

a picture of any of us. Just keep

28:40

walking.

28:40

Walking, walking.

28:43

Stryphrai keeps walking, his arms forward

28:45

like a mummy. Great,

28:49

you guys, you keep walking forward and you see.

28:52

You crest a hill

28:54

and you see off in the distance an enormous...

28:58

...dark cloud. Which

29:01

seems to stretch horizontally as far as the eye

29:03

can see. I see S. Okay.

29:09

Get past that and we can

29:11

dive into a tunnel or whatever.

29:14

You feel the clockwise winds of the James Woods

29:16

at your back.

29:18

Let's get this the fuck over with. Yeah.

29:22

Okay. Ah, the bull talks. Hehe,

29:24

just trying to keep the light. Branson, is there anyone

29:26

else on the road? Nobody else is on the road

29:28

so far. It's just your own call stones

29:31

looking back ominously at you. Looking

29:33

in on the road.

29:36

Okay. I'm just gonna keep going

29:38

forward. Okay, great. You're moving swiftly.

29:41

You're getting closer and closer. And as you crest this hill, you

29:43

see down very far in front of you. You

29:45

can see the drawbridge gate, which, Bello, you

29:47

would recognize. Which usually

29:50

separates the threshold between the James Wood

29:52

and the teenage woods. You can see the fog

29:55

wall. The enormous fog wall. And the

29:57

tiny, tiny little break in that

29:59

wall.

29:59

You see the drawbridge gate, and

30:02

you can see, Bello, that it doesn't look

30:04

the way it usually does. It's been heavily fortified

30:07

with a massive witch hunter presence.

30:09

["The Star-Spangled Banner"]

30:14

Oh, duh. Shit. Oh,

30:18

mmm.

30:18

Albi pulls her friends into the tree cover.

30:21

Oh! Into the tree cover you go! Leaves

30:24

blocking your view! Oh,

30:26

you're in the trees! Oh, there's woods all around

30:28

you! You can smell the bark! You could smell

30:30

it earlier, but it's even more vibrant now that

30:33

you're in those woods. You are not on the road

30:35

anymore!

30:35

["The Star-Spangled Banner"]

30:42

["The Star-Spangled Banner"] Welcome

30:46

back. We're deep in the woods now with our

30:48

heroes who are undercover of

30:50

woods. Mm-hmm. Okay,

30:52

stir-fry. Let's go ahead and

30:55

see what we can find out. All

30:57

right. Stir-fry takes out his eyes,

31:00

removes them through the mummy's

31:02

mouth, and tosses them to Albi.

31:05

Okay. Albi

31:07

moves swiftly but quietly

31:10

through the tree line to get a closer look at

31:12

the witch hunter. Fantastic. Make a stealth roll

31:14

with advantage. This is your natural terrain, the woods. You're a creature of the

31:16

woods. Or

31:19

a critical fell. Eighteen. Okay,

31:22

so Albi, you move through the woods. You lift up

31:24

the stir-fry eye periscope. You take

31:26

in all the information that you

31:27

can. You're completely undetected.

31:29

Okay. Stir-fry's eyes blend

31:32

into the eye-like leaves of the James Woods.

31:34

Okay. And

31:38

while she's using stir-fry's

31:41

eyes as a periscope, she's also straining her ears

31:43

to just see any sounds she might be able

31:45

to pick up any conversation

31:47

or anything like that. You can hear

31:49

the winds. You're very close

31:51

now to the edge, the perimeter of the SES,

31:54

the skin-eating storm. You can hear

31:56

that. That is, that's drowning out a

31:58

lot of the other noise.

31:59

But stir-fry, if you make

32:02

a perception roll,

32:03

I'll tell you what's going on. Seven.

32:07

Seven. You can see mostly the inside

32:10

of Albie's hands. Albie

32:12

pulls the eyeballs in real quick, gives

32:15

them like a little polish on her

32:17

tunic, and then sticks them out again.

32:19

Yeah, stir-fry. You just see Albie's

32:21

tunic moving up and down, up and down, up and down very,

32:23

very quickly. And then suddenly you can see, make

32:26

another perception roll with advantage this time. Now that your eyes

32:28

are clean.

32:30

Nat 20. Nat 20, stir-fry, you

32:32

see it all. You hear nothing because you're too

32:34

far away, but you see it all.

32:37

You can see the drawbridge gate.

32:38

It's been heavily fortified. There's a massive witch

32:41

hunter presence. You can see

32:43

just about, no, no, exactly 20

32:46

witch

32:46

hunters patrolling

32:49

the area, moving back and forth

32:51

like clockwork. And in

32:54

the James Woods, clocks move clockwise.

32:57

Shit. You can see 10 witch

32:59

hunters manning guard towers with magic searchlights

33:02

and crossbow Gatling guns. Richard

33:05

Jordan Gatling also exists in Cordelia,

33:07

and he has similar creative impulses.

33:11

You can also see standing in the

33:13

road, stir-fry. This is brand new. With

33:16

grim expressions on their faces,

33:18

you see six athletic, capable,

33:21

and frankly, badass witch hunters

33:23

with large buckle patches on their arms

33:25

that read SEAL Team Ace.

33:29

Stir-fry's body is back with the group. As

33:31

he sees this, he repeats it all. All right,

33:33

there's like 20 witch hunters that move them around like clockwork.

33:35

There's a guard tower, about 10 witch hunters up there.

33:38

They got searchlights, they got crossbows, and they are

33:40

six of the hottest fucking dudes I've

33:42

ever fucking seen in my fucking life.

33:45

They say SEAL Team Ace. When

33:48

Albie is satisfied that she's scammed the entire

33:51

area, she's going to slink back towards her friends.

33:53

Okay, stir-fry, you see

33:55

the woods. You see the woods, and

33:57

you see the insides of Albie's hands as she approaches.

33:59

approaches the rest of the group, you all reconvene.

34:04

Okay. Well,

34:07

if it's- Do we wanna find another way outta

34:10

here? Yeah, Belo looks where

34:12

he thinks Cordelia is. They're

34:15

probably gonna be, you know, doing their detect magic

34:17

stuff, so I don't know if our disguises work. From

34:20

immediately behind him, she says, damn

34:22

it. Whoa! Releases

34:25

invisibility. Belo wild

34:27

shapes back to his normal form. Is

34:31

there any way we can make it through

34:33

the skin-eating storm? I know

34:35

that seems like an insane question, but we've

34:39

done some crazy stuff, so. I

34:41

just caught this skin. Aw.

34:44

We could tunnel under it?

34:51

But no, that wouldn't work. We could coat ourselves

34:53

in new skin. A second

34:55

skin. Yes, we could kill

34:58

animals or man around here. Everyone

35:01

in the group, can you make a stealth roll for me?

35:06

Unnatural 20.

35:14

Okay. To Bonesby,

35:17

you hear a psss, hey! Eh!

35:20

Hey! I

35:22

look around. You look around, you look around, and

35:24

you see, leaning against a tree, coolly,

35:27

a cool human man.

35:29

He flicks a coin up and down. He

35:33

says, you there. I

35:35

only perceive you. Yes,

35:38

hello, I am a normal man, as you can tell from

35:40

my sunglasses and beard. So am I.

35:43

Not exactly. My name is demonstrating

35:46

Michael. Hello, demonstrating

35:48

Michael. My name is Frederico.

35:52

Frederico? Normal man. Frederico

35:54

normal man. Frederico normal man. Make

35:57

a deception roll. Okay.

36:00

Pretty good. 16. 16? Never

36:03

heard a name like that before, but I

36:05

do believe that that is your name. And it's

36:07

normal. Sure.

36:09

Normal. All this talking normal. What

36:11

do you say, Michael? Well,

36:14

it just seems like you were maybe hoping to get around

36:16

the skin-eating storm, but maybe for reasons

36:18

that are, well,

36:19

none of my business, you didn't want

36:21

to have those witch hunters notice you. Am I right?

36:25

I can tell you're a man of discretion, so I will tell

36:27

you. Yes. That's right.

36:29

I am a man of discretion. Well, then, you and just

36:31

you come with me. I know a way around

36:33

the storm. Could

36:37

it be more than me? Of course it could be more than

36:39

you, but it's just the two of us here. Just two

36:41

guys in the woods. One helping the other.

36:44

Help me further out.

36:45

Oh, hey. Oh my god! Oh,

36:47

holy shit! Oh my god, I didn't notice you there!

36:50

I'm here. My

36:52

name is demonstrating Michael. Hi. Do

36:54

you need help getting around the skin-eating storm?

36:57

Yes. I was not prepared for this. I thought I was talking

36:59

to one person.

37:00

I'm so sorry. That's fine. Two would

37:02

work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's gonna be more. It's

37:04

gonna be more? Are there more people? Am I surrounded? Oh

37:07

god. Is the jig up? Are you guys witch hunters? You

37:09

have to tell me if you're witch hunters. We aren't. Okay.

37:12

Well, but the rule... Are you sure? Yes.

37:14

Positive. So sure. Wait,

37:17

what? Who's that? There's three

37:19

people here? I thought I was talking to two people. Well,

37:21

at first I thought I was talking to one person, then two.

37:23

Now

37:23

three? There are five of us. Five of you?

37:26

Who has awakened the moment? Oh

37:28

my god, and there's a mummy! Oh, my

37:31

ghost is clocked! That's it! I got a high-tail

37:33

and out of here! No, no,

37:34

no. We want to know what you know about... No,

37:36

but my legs are starting to run in a

37:38

circle! I'm about to go! You gotta convince me to

37:40

stay! Bella grabs me by the shoulder. Walking

37:43

out. I can't run!

37:44

We're friendly. Oh

37:47

my god, who said that? Cordelia's

37:49

standing right there. She's... Oh my god,

37:52

the sas... Whoa! A very

37:54

tall Sasquatch! A normal size Sasquatch.

37:57

Well, for me, I've only met no

37:59

Sasquatch. that I just assumed them to be shorter. I

38:01

thought they were creatures of myth. Oh, wow.

38:04

There's

38:04

one, two, three, four,

38:07

five of us here. And a

38:09

mummy? No, I forgot about the mummy.

38:11

I gotta go. The mummy's with us. I was counting myself as

38:13

the five. Oh, the mummy's with you? Yeah, Bella puts

38:15

a hand on his other shoulder. Oh, whoa. We are

38:17

face to face. You look

38:19

nice. We want your help. I'm demonstrating,

38:21

Michael. I'd love to help. I'm Bryce.

38:24

Bryce? Yeah. Fantastic. I

38:26

believe that. I believe that. Oh,

38:29

is that not his name? You

38:32

said it like he was faking. Demonstrate Michael?

38:34

And I heard it. No, and I heard it. Is that

38:36

not his name? Is his name not Bryce? Okay, I was kind

38:39

of using an alias.

38:39

My name is... My name is Christ. Your name is

38:42

Christ? Yeah. Well, I believe that. Wow,

38:46

that must be his real name. Well,

38:48

I'd love to help you guys get across the skin-eating

38:50

storm, but I'm worried there's just gonna be more and more

38:53

of you. Every time I feel like I turn my head, there's

38:55

more of you. Will it happen? He turns his head. Nothing.

38:58

Everyone.

38:59

Oh, yeah. He turns his head.

39:01

No one's there. Well, that must be everyone. He

39:03

looks back to the group. Oh, no! There's

39:05

an enormous bear owl here! I assume. I'm

39:08

only familiar with owl bears, but obviously,

39:11

I can just infer from context, this must be a

39:13

bear owl because it's the inverse of an owl

39:15

bear. Oh, no. A monster like this

39:17

at this size? My goose is cooked! Is

39:20

this the end of demonstrating Michael? No, no. This

39:22

is Ice Bear. He's the

39:24

last and biggest of us. The last and biggest

39:27

of you? If another thing

39:29

appears to me right now, I'm going

39:31

to die of natural causes! And he looks around,

39:33

he goes, I hope it doesn't happen. He

39:36

rubs his eyes.

39:38

Just the woods themselves. Well,

39:41

it seems like demonstrating Michael's goose is

39:44

not cooked. We cook no geese today.

39:46

A raw goose. I am the mummy.

39:50

Am I in danger? No, he's with us. Okay. Well,

39:54

you guys want to come with me? Yeah, what's your route? Well,

39:56

it's not really through.

39:59

the Skin Eating Storm. Uh-huh.

40:03

Because if you go through the Skin Eating

40:05

Storm, it eats your skin.

40:07

Uh-huh. You take every step

40:09

you take, you take more and more damage

40:12

in the Skin Eating Storm. It's right here. We're

40:14

looking at it now. We're at the very edge of the

40:16

James Woods. And if you walk into

40:18

the Skin Eating Storm, it'll eat your skin.

40:21

I'm demonstrating Michael and I'll show you.

40:24

No, no, no, you don't have to. We get it. No, I do. I'm

40:26

demonstrating Michael. Michael, you don't have to. We

40:28

know. True

40:28

death, Michael. Help me.

40:31

Ah, no, I said. Oh, God.

40:33

Oh, no. Let me open. Oh, no. Now I'm

40:35

in a state between life and death. All the pain

40:38

and the pain just gives me the release of

40:40

death. Well, what's your way through? Oh,

40:44

yes. Oh, and it's just gonna fight through.

40:46

Oh, no.

40:47

I'm out

40:49

of here. When you pull me halfway

40:52

out. Pull him all the way. He's crawling back

40:54

to

40:54

it. You have to see what happens. Help

40:57

me. No, I don't. I'm pulling

40:59

you out. Oh, my God. I make

41:01

a straight throw against my straight throw.

41:07

I got a nat 20 and I go. You

41:11

have to see what happens. Belo

41:13

puts both hands on his ankles and

41:16

pulls him back out of the storm. You get those ankles,

41:18

but that's it.

41:20

Oh. Whoa.

41:23

And you see now in this storm is his skin

41:25

is ripped like a tempest. You see it's

41:27

ripped around like a little tornado in

41:29

front of you before the storm consumes the

41:32

skin.

41:32

I almost wish we hadn't met him. Why

41:35

do we? Well, at least he at least

41:37

he told us the way at least he told us his

41:40

way through before. Oh, and

41:42

at that you hear a guy behind you say, huh, need

41:45

help? No. Yes.

41:48

It depends. You see a human man leaning

41:50

against a tree. He looks exactly like demonstrating

41:53

Michael. He's flipping a coin up and

41:55

down. He says, my name is normal

41:57

Michael.

41:58

Oh, great. Fantastic. I'm demonstrating

42:01

his brother. Oh, our last name

42:03

is Michael. That's okay. We weren't close

42:06

Big family big big family.

42:09

But you were close physically cuz you were yeah,

42:11

we all look exactly the same

42:14

Mr. Michael. I'm mr. Michael.

42:16

I prefer you call me normal though. Okay normal

42:19

Yeah, that way you can differentiate me

42:21

from my brother demonstrating Michael whose skin

42:23

even now is whipped around in the storm

42:26

a few feet away from us normally

42:27

hate to cut you up, but do you have any other

42:29

family close by that maybe we could just Talk

42:32

to the storm consume them all

42:35

I truly am the last of my kind. I'm

42:37

so sorry It's okay You guys

42:39

trying to

42:40

get across the storm. Do you have an do you have an alternate

42:42

route? Of course? I do is it is it the

42:44

same as demonstrating Michaels route through the storm?

42:47

What

42:47

do you think? I'm an idiot? I Wouldn't

42:50

be killed like that. His way wasn't

42:52

through the storm. He was demonstrating what his way wasn't.

42:55

Oh, of course Yeah, our way was the same way.

42:57

We were in business together.

42:58

Okay, what is it? He takes his hat

43:00

off and he puts it to his shift. Can you just give me a second? My

43:02

brother was just in front of me. I'm trying

43:04

to take your lead here. I understand

43:07

to be fair you did get our attention Well,

43:10

I'm pretty good at that. Oh Okay,

43:14

we get it we can all have a moment of silence. All

43:17

right, here we go. One two three Moments

43:21

are so short already. It's over. Let's

43:23

go. Are there stairs somewhere? Yeah

43:27

inside of this tree and he hits the side

43:29

of the tree that he was leaning against The

43:34

spiral staircase on the interior

43:36

of the tree you guys comfortable walking upstairs

43:38

not everyone is

43:39

thank you for asking Yes, I feel great about

43:41

it. We are but I do want to ask before we

43:44

enter this tree Is there any kind of toll

43:47

or price or cost

43:49

or oh my consequence to

43:51

like

43:52

going this way? Well, that wouldn't

43:54

be fair. I mean I could make a killing But

43:57

I already told you guys about it. Come on. Okay,

43:59

great Albie's gonna take

44:02

the lead. Oh, I guess you know

44:04

the way. Lead the way, please.

44:06

And you begin walking up the interior. The

44:09

spiral stairs of this enormous tree. It's

44:12

very dark in there. There's no lighting in the tree. Albie,

44:16

I need you to make a perception

44:17

roll. Okay. Sixteen.

44:21

Sixteen, you're doing great inside of this tree. You

44:23

move up and up and up. You've been walking

44:26

for quite some time. You're probably 100

44:28

entire feet into the

44:30

air.

44:31

Oh, boy. Okay. She

44:33

looks behind her to make sure that there are still

44:35

people behind her. Belo's right behind her.

44:37

He is not breathing heavy. Okay.

44:40

Oh, Belo. You went up a... Yeah, 10 flights.

44:43

Nice, dude. Yeah,

44:46

normal Michael. It's completely normal

44:48

to be out of breath after walking up 10 flights of

44:50

stairs. He's...

44:53

Oh, this is an athletic group. Do

44:56

you want to take another moment? No, no, I don't.

44:58

I already took the moment for my brother. How many moments? There's

45:01

so few moments in a human life. Oh,

45:03

yeah. That's a bummer. Okay. All

45:06

right, we're here. And he hits the interior of

45:09

the tree, and another door opens up, flooding the interior

45:11

of the tree with light. You're up now

45:13

in the canopy in the James Woods. And he

45:15

leads you out onto a long, thick branch

45:18

up in the woods.

45:20

You know, Albie, we never talked about that. Like, what's

45:22

the, like... What's the fawn lifespan

45:25

like? You want to

45:27

talk about the nail? Oh,

45:29

I don't know. It just came to mind. Oh.

45:34

That's sweet. I would say, like,

45:37

a normal, like, human lifespan. Oh,

45:40

okay. My lifespan is thousands

45:43

of years. All right, stir fry. Stir fry. Now

45:46

I know stir fry is the mummy's name. The

45:48

mummy is named stir fry. Wow.

45:50

You all have... Yes. No. No,

45:53

that was the name of the... of

45:58

the... my queen.

45:59

Oh no! Something

46:02

is clearly up with this mummy. This is the biggest

46:04

mummy I've ever seen in my... I've never seen a

46:06

mummy so big in all of Cordelia. Usually

46:09

it's only tiny creatures and children who are

46:11

mummified. But this one is big! We

46:13

actually call him the Morning Mummy because he

46:15

has so much grief. Oh. I asked

46:19

to be called by my wife's name

46:21

as a side

46:24

of respect to her. I hope

46:26

I don't have to commit my mummies

46:28

curse on anyone who wrongs me.

46:31

Oh my god! No,

46:31

no, no! Please, I'll do anything! I'll

46:33

do anything! Even continue to help you! Then

46:36

continue to help me, you shall.

46:38

I am the mummy, of course.

46:41

Yes, yes, yes, my own kindness

46:44

and the mummy's curse compel me to help you.

46:46

Thank you, Normal Michael. Yes,

46:49

of course. I'm happy to help. Please, right

46:51

this way, across the branch. We're gonna be going

46:53

over the skin-eating storm.

46:55

Oh, amazing. How thick

46:57

is the branch? How thick is the branch?

47:00

Why don't you just look down now? It's

47:02

carrying all of us. What a strange

47:04

thing to ask me. I didn't ask you how thick was

47:06

the ground when we were down upon it. Some of

47:08

us

47:09

don't like looking down. Some of us have

47:11

a fear of height. Is that how you got so tall,

47:13

always looking up and the body just followed? Yes. Why,

47:17

I should try that. I hate my height. Oh,

47:20

stop. Why? I just hate it. Tell

47:22

me exactly what it is. My exact

47:24

height? Yes. Fine.

47:27

5'11". I

47:30

just want to be a little taller, you know. It

47:33

would be perfect. Oh, it would be 6'3".

47:35

Beautiful. It sounds a little

47:37

too tall. No! Except I'm

47:39

more taller. Well, yes. See, so what are you talking about? Don't know.

47:42

Anyway, the branch- 6'3", you'd probably hit a lot of

47:44

low-hanging branches. Oh, it's definitely

47:47

not easy. It's definitely not easy to be 6'3". But

47:49

no! This branch can

47:52

hold all of us. It can support all of our weight.

47:54

And this goes all the way across the storm? No,

47:57

no. It doesn't go all the way across the storm. But

48:00

not on the branch. Oh how then and

48:03

at that he says cheree cheree cheree

48:05

cheree Cheree come

48:07

out men come out men men

48:09

come out and it that Oh,

48:13

no, this is a treat Yeah

48:16

Yeah Yeah, that a bunch of

48:18

strange men began crawling

48:21

out from under the bottom of the branch They

48:23

were hanging under there like bats and

48:26

they they crawl Hi,

48:29

hello, hello. Yes. We're the gliding men

48:32

of the James Woods. I'm Christ

48:35

nice to meet you Christ But

48:38

they're part cat no, no, they're just

48:40

in the like a defensive pose.

48:42

They're afraid you haven't in You

48:45

haven't you you haven't made them warm up to

48:47

you yet. They're they're arching their backs. Bello

48:49

takes out a pretzel

48:51

One of them. Yes, is it you? Begins

48:54

to crawl over Bello slowly

48:58

Bello slowly reaches out with the pretzel make

49:00

an animal handling roll Sorry

49:03

make a man handling roll right, of course man

49:06

is an animal after all That's

49:11

a 17 the 17 oh

49:13

yes the man he takes the pretzel cautiously

49:16

and he looks at you

49:19

That's a good scratching

49:21

under his chin You

49:23

gave me no pretzel Okay,

49:28

I understand what's happened here Bello

49:31

scratches under the man. Yes. This is

49:33

the one I like. Yes Oh, yes

49:35

a member a member of my family in

49:37

some ways

49:38

You're a good

49:40

man, would you like to see

49:42

Under my arms and he stretches his arms

49:44

out and there's a thin layer of skin

49:47

Connecting his arms to his body.

49:50

Oh wow. We've evolved this way to live

49:52

at the top of the trees gliding down

49:54

gently We're not capable of true flight,

49:56

but we are capable of true glide

49:59

that rules

49:59

It does, it does! It's, you

50:02

don't have to glide to live here, but it helps.

50:07

Cordelia had berries in her pocket,

50:09

and she holds them out to another

50:11

gliding man. The biggest one crawls over

50:14

to you, and he looks at the berries, and he

50:16

says, baaaargh! Berries? Baaaargh!

50:18

Would you like a berry? Baaaargh! Desperately.

50:22

She hands it to him. Make an animal handling roll. Man handling

50:25

roll, sorry. Thank you. Critical

50:27

fail. Critical fail? Yeah. Baaaargh!

50:31

Not in the mood! And he crawls away. No, no,

50:33

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I don't want berries.

50:36

No, no. And he crosses his arms, which

50:38

is difficult because of all the membrane of the

50:40

skin. Oh, it hurts, he stops. Stir,

50:45

stir fry reaches in the backpack and pulls out. Brick

50:47

of feta.

50:50

I mean, yeah. Yeah, I was gonna pull out

50:52

some feta. Go ahead, do

50:54

it. Stir

50:56

fry expertly reaches in his backpack and pulls

50:58

out expertly a wrapped, wrapped

51:01

in, pulls out expertly wrapped

51:04

in leaf, a bar of feta. He

51:06

cuts off a little slice and put it in

51:08

front of the face of

51:11

the nearest flying gliding

51:13

man. One of the gliding man, yeah, the gliding man

51:15

closest to you with noble Mediterranean features,

51:17

he looks at you, he looks up and down

51:19

and he says, pshhh, pshhh, pshhh,

51:21

be that feta. Pshhh, pshhh,

51:24

yes, the mummy brings you feta.

51:26

Make a man handling roll.

51:30

Yeah. Takes

51:32

a nibble. It will

51:34

do, pshhh. Stir fry

51:37

lightly scratches the top of his head as

51:40

he has the feta in the other hand below it. Pshhh,

51:43

pshhh, yes, yes, yes, it's you I will

51:45

carry. I will carry the biggest mummy in all

51:47

of history. Yes, yes, yes, and I give

51:49

you the gift of, you may

51:51

have power to give others the mummy, you

51:54

may have power to give others the mummies

51:56

curse. I can curse others? You

51:58

have the power to curse others with the mummies.

51:59

At that he points at another gliding

52:02

man and says, I curse you, I curse you. That man,

52:06

and he glides away down into the trees gently,

52:08

safely.

52:10

That man is gone. Branson, are these men

52:12

clothed? No. Good. Joe.

52:17

I knew, you all knew. He

52:19

knew. But we didn't have to know. Well, the

52:21

listeners did. And any listener picturing clothes, will

52:24

you expect an apology?

52:26

Um, Albie doesn't have any food,

52:28

so she takes out her pan flute. And

52:32

she kind of looks to

52:34

see if any of them have taken an interest in the pan

52:36

flute. One of the men looks at you and

52:38

says, huh, huh,

52:41

what is that? What would be that strange

52:43

instrument? Do you like music? Of

52:45

course, I love pan flute music, but what do you have?

52:49

A pan flute? Prove it. Do,

52:53

do, do, do, do, do, do,

52:55

do. Prrrr, prrrr.

52:58

You don't even need to roll if you complete the pattern. Prrrr.

53:03

The man nuzzles up against you.

53:04

Aww, Albie's sort

53:06

of like looking away and patting him. Belo

53:11

clocks this. She

53:14

looks at him. The

53:16

man looks at you, Belo, and he smiles. He

53:18

smiles widely. I

53:20

love music.

53:23

Yes, is it you? Come

53:27

on, come on, Freddy, tame your beast. I

53:30

don't have anything. I don't have any food

53:32

for them. Do you want some pretzel?

53:35

Yes, please. Belo

53:37

gives to Bonesby a pretzel. What, can we do that? Is

53:39

that okay? To give each other pretzels?

53:41

Yeah, is that, is that, can we

53:43

have to look it up? Yeah, hold on, let me, let's

53:45

break to look it up in the rules. Yeah. It

53:50

turns out, we're back. It turns

53:52

out it is not okay. So

53:55

we are not allowed to give each other pretzels. Belo, I'm sorry, you're gonna

53:58

have to try something else. Thank you.

53:59

Tim was right to ask. They just published

54:02

that unearthed arcana about pretzel handling.

54:04

Can't do it. Well, in that case, Freddy

54:06

cast Charm Person. Oh! Yeah,

54:10

you cast it at the menu. He

54:13

goes,

54:14

he has to pass a wisdom save. All

54:16

right. He has to beat a 15. That's

54:22

a 14. He resists. He hates

54:24

it. Oh, he doesn't like being charmed. It's so close.

54:28

He's like, I hate being

54:31

charmed. I hate being charmed. You

54:34

have to let me ride on you now. I'm

54:38

a creature of the skies.

54:41

Cordelia

54:44

is still looking at the big guy. Yeah,

54:46

he looks at you and says, you're really going

54:48

to have to do something important

54:50

to bond with me.

54:53

She's like, well, maybe if you don't want berries,

54:55

you'd like to play. And she holds out her hand

54:57

like, stop and casts

54:59

minor illusion. And it's a tiny little laser

55:02

dot. And it's sort of like, dart.

55:03

He pounces at the dot. Give

55:05

me the dot. I need the dot. So

55:08

she keeps, she moves it so it's further down the

55:11

trunk of the tree. I need the dot.

55:13

I need the dot. I need

55:13

the dot. Even, I need the, I reach now for

55:16

the dot. And now to put my hand out and touch

55:18

the dot. What? The dot is on the back of my head.

55:20

Simple enough. I'll just put my other hand

55:22

onto the back of my head. Oh no, this terrible

55:25

dot, it moves through my hands. No. And

55:27

he jumps off of the tree. And he spreads

55:29

his arms. No.

55:31

Shit. What?

55:35

I thought that was going to be fun. You see, it

55:37

exacerbates because they can't actually catch

55:40

the dots. That it actually gets

55:42

a little more. Yeah, you could have created a problem. And

55:45

they can't get the

55:47

resolve of actually killing it.

55:48

Albie was watching the whole thing and had to breathe

55:51

her way out of a rage just then. God,

55:54

OK. Oh, God. Oh, that was

55:56

infuriating. Normal.

55:58

Normal looks at you and says, tough luck. Look, you

56:00

made one of the men jump off of the tree. It's

56:03

gonna take him days to get back up here. Oh,

56:06

don't you just wait? No, you might just have

56:08

to settle for the second largest one. She

56:13

turns around. Yeah, you see another

56:15

large man, but he's just slightly

56:17

smaller. He looks at you and says. What

56:20

are you interested in right now? He

56:26

just, he hisses at you. He hisses at you. I

56:29

live in a tree. Okay, Junior.

56:32

Oh yeah, Junior appears on your shoulder and says,

56:34

I always rely on other kinds of strangers. Can

56:36

you out hiss this guy? Out hiss this

56:38

guy? Yeah. Or hiss off? Yeah.

56:41

Well, that's a fun thing to mechanically consider. Yep,

56:45

let's go.

56:46

Oh,

56:50

you like this? Oh,

56:53

what's this? Well,

56:59

obviously the man looks

57:01

at you and says, I've

57:10

been out hissed.

57:11

Yeah, oh good. Thank

57:14

you, Junior. And Junior

57:16

says, can I go now? You are excused.

57:20

Oh, thank you very much. Junior

57:22

disappears in a whiff of brimstone.

57:23

Ugh. Ugh.

57:26

Cordelia gets on this guy's back. Oh.

57:29

Oh, she gets off. Why are we not doing that? He

57:31

looks at you, he says, get back on. She

57:35

does? Yeah, you're on his back. And Norma

57:37

Michael looks at all of you and says, so

57:42

you've all bonded with these

57:44

gliding men.

57:45

You're gonna be riding them

57:47

over the storm. You're

57:50

gonna be landing on the other side in the teenage woods. There's

57:55

tall trees on the other side. Those men are

57:57

gonna crawl back up those trees and

57:59

fly back up.

57:59

across this way. And they know the

58:02

way they've done it before? No, I'm hoping

58:04

they'll do well though. Oh.

58:08

Ugh. There's many gliding men up here

58:10

in the trees. Okay. The witch hunters down

58:12

below, fools that they are, they never checked up here

58:14

for the gliding men.

58:16

Yeah. Only I know about them. Well, and my brother.

58:18

Normal. R-I-P. Normal. I'm

58:21

normal. I have one. Normal Michael. I

58:23

have one. Demonstrating Michael was my brother's name.

58:26

Yeah. Demonstrating so hard, his skin was

58:28

ripped from his body. That was his game. R-I-P.

58:31

And I the- Well,

58:33

unfortunately we know he did not rest in peace. But

58:35

now- We see now the storm below that he rests

58:38

in. It's not peaceful. Does that look peaceful to

58:40

you? What about his soul though? What about his soul?

58:43

Oh, are you religious people? No. I

58:45

don't believe in the soul.

58:48

That must be nice. It's true. I

58:50

don't believe in the soul. And I don't believe in the gods

58:52

of this world, despite the ample evidence

58:54

of them.

58:55

Well, then, then nothing for him. Yes.

58:58

Nothing for him. I'm sorry, mummy. Yes.

59:00

You had something you- And mummy, I must commend your patience.

59:03

No problem. I've waited thousands

59:06

of years to be unearthed in my own

59:08

tomb. And they of course make them right, right, right. Yeah. So mummy,

59:10

yes. I have to know.

59:13

Why? Why are you helping

59:15

us? Complete strangers.

59:19

Because I don't like this.

59:22

I don't like what's happening here with the witch

59:24

hunters. Trying to block who

59:26

can go in and out of the woods. The

59:28

woods should be for everyone. The James

59:30

woods should be regal and the teenage woods

59:32

should be teenaged. Yeah.

59:35

People could be able to travel where they want, when they want.

59:38

Yeah. Yeah. I don't want the boot

59:40

of any witch hunter on my neck. Absolutely.

59:43

Sir, I give you a gift. You

59:46

have the power through the transitive property

59:48

of kindness to you may

59:50

use my mummy's curse on whomever you measure.

59:53

I can curse anyone I want. Yes, only

59:55

once. So make it count. Okay.

59:59

Oh, wait. No, it's more interesting

1:00:01

if I do it now. How fucking

1:00:03

boring if I just said, oh, I'll just do it

1:00:05

later. Okay, I just want to make sure you knew the option.

1:00:08

I'll do it now. Let's think of all the people I

1:00:10

could have possibly met. It's mostly

1:00:12

you guys and these gliding men. What

1:00:15

about someone from school? Someone from school?

1:00:17

What do you mean? I didn't go to any school. Or your

1:00:20

childhood? My childhood.

1:00:21

Well, there was my brother, but he was already

1:00:24

cursed. And I loved him.

1:00:26

I don't know. Was there, what about

1:00:28

like a bully in your child? Of

1:00:30

course I was bullied. I mean, there was one

1:00:32

guy. Yes. Yeah. There was one guy

1:00:34

who used to bully me when I was a kid. I mean, only

1:00:36

once. He was just moving through this part of the

1:00:38

world. Then you choose him, curse

1:00:41

this one. Yes. I will close my eyes

1:00:43

and I will say his name. Hot Roddy.

1:00:45

I curse you. Yeah. Got it. Yeah.

1:00:49

I've cursed a man named Hot Roddy

1:00:51

who I assume only I knew. Yes.

1:00:54

Yes. Yes. He's been cursed. Yes. Terrible

1:00:56

man. Striff I looks at everyone else who looks pretty

1:00:58

shocked and goes,

1:00:59

ah, yes, then my mommy's curse

1:01:01

has happened to this one. And you all know

1:01:04

how powerful my mommy's curse

1:01:06

can be. Make a deception rule.

1:01:10

That was, you rolled a 10. Yeah, that was 16.

1:01:14

Yeah.

1:01:14

Strange way to say it, but I guess mommies are weird.

1:01:17

Yeah. All

1:01:18

right. I want to ride this man. Of course. And I want

1:01:20

to let you.

1:01:21

You guys are offering me curses. All

1:01:23

right. So there's only one thing to be

1:01:25

aware of. Okay. One thing before

1:01:28

I say the word that sends all

1:01:30

of these gliding men over and before

1:01:33

I say that word, which of course is here

1:01:35

and at that all of the flight men, they

1:01:37

spread their arms and they catch the

1:01:40

the breezes, the clockwise winds

1:01:42

of the of the James Woods and they take

1:01:44

flight and all of you are lifted up,

1:01:46

up, up, up, up. Oh, no. Oh,

1:01:49

oh, normal Michael. Not oh, no. Oh, yes,

1:01:51

you're flying. You're flying. You're gliding

1:01:53

up, up, up into the sky.

1:01:57

Move into the great blue beyond.

1:02:00

You see the beautiful, pillowy,

1:02:02

cumulus clouds of the sky. You

1:02:04

feel the absence of the ground underneath you.

1:02:06

There is no ground. You are

1:02:08

in the air flying through the sky.

1:02:11

You feel the wind in your hair. Hey,

1:02:14

hey, hey, hey.

1:02:20

Just in time,

1:02:24

I am flying. You got one

1:02:26

track.

1:02:27

My footy. Check it out. Hey,

1:02:30

check it out. I'm flying.

1:02:31

Yeah. You're

1:02:38

dodging and weaving and moving around in

1:02:40

the skies. It's incredible.

1:02:42

You're doing it. You're all really flying.

1:02:45

Ain't that Mr. Mister on the radio? Oh

1:02:48

my god. I've never seen the Teenage Woods

1:02:50

from up here.

1:02:51

It's amazing. You've

1:02:56

never seen the world like this. You're looking down

1:02:59

on the woods, and you can see further off

1:03:01

into the horizon than you've ever been able to see in

1:03:03

your life. The top

1:03:05

of Roleshaven doesn't

1:03:06

compare to the view there. Doesn't compare

1:03:09

to this view. As you look down infinitely

1:03:11

on these woods that stretch out, you can see

1:03:13

the K River, the mighty K

1:03:15

down below you. You can see it's

1:03:18

shrinking. It's shrinking as you're moving up into

1:03:20

the sky, but you can see the tiny road,

1:03:22

the witch hunters,

1:03:23

all of your problems. They seem

1:03:25

to be shrinking away down below

1:03:27

you. It's just you in the sky.

1:03:29

Tony!

1:03:35

That little bit of spit, that little bit of spit,

1:03:37

it falls and falls and falls and

1:03:39

falls and falls and falls and falls, and

1:03:41

it picks up speed and terminal velocity

1:03:43

and it moves through the skull of one of the witch hunters.

1:03:45

Yes! Ha ha ha ha ha!

1:03:48

Ha ha ha! Hey!

1:03:51

Freddy, yes! Yes, you've gone to this.

1:03:53

It's amazing! Stir-fry as well. Stir-fry,

1:03:56

stir-fry spits as well. Stir-fry!

1:03:59

And you spit! It leaves!

1:06:00

You see a little bit of... I don't

1:06:02

see her at home, but you see something strange

1:06:05

going on around the the soaking valley. It seems

1:06:07

to be... What is that? What's

1:06:10

going on? Is it... is it... seems to be an odd

1:06:13

bluish hue to the... something very

1:06:15

odd is going... But at that, before you can really truly

1:06:17

concentrate on what's going on way way

1:06:20

off very far in the distance Your

1:06:23

gliding man becomes agitated

1:06:25

Whoa, whoa,

1:06:27

whoa, whoa, whoa, what's that? What's the

1:06:29

matter? The gliding man says, there was no time!

1:06:32

There was no time! There was no time to tell you! But

1:06:34

unfortunately, we have natural predators!

1:06:36

We have gliding men predators in the sky! Look

1:06:38

now off to the side!

1:06:39

You see off in the distance is... oh no These...

1:06:43

these men, these gliding men, these natural predators

1:06:45

of the gliding men, they've caught an eddy and they're

1:06:47

circling all of you! They look exactly

1:06:49

like the gliding men except they have wicked expressions

1:06:52

on their faces and they have... oh no! They

1:06:54

have weapons! They have swords!

1:06:57

They have javelins! They have morning stars! They

1:06:59

have... one of them is swinging a chain around

1:07:02

his head! One of them has a baseball bat

1:07:04

with nails sticking out of it! One

1:07:06

of them has something that looks... oh,

1:07:08

oh no, it's too terrible!

1:07:09

It's too terrible to even describe,

1:07:12

but I'll try! It's a... oh no! It's

1:07:14

a ping pong battle! But on the very end

1:07:16

of it, instead of a bouncy ball, it's a...

1:07:19

oh, oh no! It's a vial of poison!

1:07:23

It hits his paddle

1:07:24

and the paddle begins to evolve and gets silly! He

1:07:26

falls from the sky! No! Of

1:07:29

course, man's natural enemy is man!

1:07:32

Albie's gonna look at the closest villainous

1:07:35

man. His mouth is wide open and he's just

1:07:37

gliding towards you! He has nunchucks!

1:07:40

She's going to sweep her arm... She's

1:07:43

going to sweep her arm behind her creating a

1:07:45

violent gust of wind blowing towards him.

1:07:47

He's

1:07:47

gonna make a dexterity saving roll! He

1:07:50

gets a critical vial! He does an extremely cool

1:07:53

move with his nunchucks and the gust

1:07:55

of wind hits him and he's

1:07:56

knocked! He says, no, no, no!

1:07:59

He lands on spikes! Down on the ground,

1:08:02

you don't see it, but I do! And the listeners, they

1:08:04

have to see it too! He lands on spikes! What are

1:08:06

spikes doing down there? A spike salesman

1:08:08

says, huh?

1:08:09

Is there any chance that Albie

1:08:11

can try to like intercept those nunchucks?

1:08:14

Yeah, yeah, you can try, you can try, but the nunchucks

1:08:16

are also, they're falling, they're

1:08:17

falling through the sky. You're gonna have to make a manhandling

1:08:19

roll to steer your gliding man

1:08:22

over towards the nunchucks, which even now fall

1:08:24

down, but oh no, directly below you is

1:08:26

the storm. The storm, they're falling into the

1:08:28

storm. Forget it! But you were gonna try,

1:08:30

you don't wanna do it,

1:08:31

you passed off the idea, oh no! Oh no, try it!

1:08:36

18, you are just able to grab

1:08:39

one of the nunchucks, you do not do a cool trick

1:08:41

with it. A nat 20 would have meant you did a cool

1:08:43

trick and you grabbed it, instead you simply grabbed

1:08:45

it.

1:08:45

Okay. Albie, that was competent!

1:08:49

Thank you, Bello! And she's gonna swoop

1:08:51

back up towards the, sorry, she's gonna

1:08:53

swoop back up higher above the storm. Yes,

1:08:55

you're up above the storm now, and these weapon

1:08:58

gliding men, the evil ones, you can

1:09:00

tell them apart because they have wicked expressions

1:09:02

on their faces. You can tell that they're naturally

1:09:05

evil. Bello's going to cast Fog Cloud

1:09:07

to try and disorient the

1:09:10

predatory gliding men. You shoot

1:09:12

a Fog Cloud over at the men. The men, unfortunately,

1:09:15

they are circling you, there's no way you're gonna be able to

1:09:17

get all of the men without also getting you, but you

1:09:19

are able to, pick a man, pick

1:09:21

a weapon that I described.

1:09:25

The man with the chain. The man with the chain. There's

1:09:28

a man swinging a chain around, around his head. He's gliding,

1:09:30

but he's also swinging a chain around. Fog

1:09:33

forms around him and he shouts, no, no,

1:09:35

no! I'll keep swinging the chain, of course.

1:09:38

Yes, that will dissipate the fog. It's working

1:09:40

a little bit. Hmm, I'm

1:09:42

in the fog though for now. You're no spin-ya-later.

1:09:45

What, spin, what? Already

1:09:48

he's gone, he can't hear you. Uh, uh,

1:09:50

Debonesby, one of the men with the long sword,

1:09:54

he swoops over close

1:09:55

to you, brandishing his sword. He

1:09:57

pulls it from his scabbard. and

1:10:00

he shows you his steel and he says prepare

1:10:03

to die know

1:10:07

how far away as he's getting very cool he's flying

1:10:09

toward you with his mouth open he's actually going to attack

1:10:12

roll what's your easy lengthy

1:10:14

is eleven that's going

1:10:16

to hit unfortunately he takes a swipe

1:10:18

at you but not the gliding man he

1:10:21

takes a swipe at you to bones be for

1:10:25

for three

1:10:27

he slashed is that your arm it's of there's

1:10:29

more where that came from

1:10:30

i get textile and and

1:10:33

freddie he goes to wrap

1:10:35

both of his hands around these things neck

1:10:37

but the the jar of

1:10:40

pickles poopy hand against

1:10:43

still able to get the other hand like right on this guy's neck

1:10:46

performs a shocking grasp of or you

1:10:48

do i need you to make an improvised weapon roll with the jar

1:10:50

hands of

1:10:53

those three you

1:10:55

you you go to it hits them in the side of the head

1:10:57

but that's side of his head is extremely tough and

1:11:00

it feel that dreadful it barely hurts them at all it

1:11:02

doesn't do any damage

1:11:03

what i wasn't trying iraq dot i went on

1:11:06

good luck getting the other side of i have a website

1:11:11

get out loud as and

1:11:14

pretty lecture tries

1:11:15

his hand and goes to get my mac

1:11:18

you electrify your hand you go to give them it's like you guys

1:11:20

are up in the air who are moving left

1:11:22

and right and to and fro and up and down he

1:11:24

simply move his head down and do with completely

1:11:27

you don't know damage to this man he goes

1:11:29

to take a bite out of the arm of the lighting man

1:11:31

he says he ran for a quick

1:11:34

hid the galactic

1:11:35

bad neighbourhood

1:11:37

level

1:11:38

did he

1:11:41

just wants is thrown out he's gonna go to try to stab

1:11:43

the

1:11:43

when the mighty with the

1:11:46

skin membrane of the lighting and with to

1:11:48

stab and makes an attack roll a

1:11:53

myth is completely pretty

1:11:56

reaches inside of himself no longer fucking

1:11:58

around he's he's going

1:11:59

most powerful spell, the trusty

1:12:02

Lightwing Bolt. But as he does so,

1:12:05

he can't

1:12:07

quite find it. He realizes that the synapses

1:12:10

in his brain have been rerouted since he's

1:12:12

become gobletified. But there's

1:12:14

something in there, and he reaches

1:12:16

out and you see that

1:12:19

familiar ripple of the goblin

1:12:21

flesh in the bones of the beast, but it's in

1:12:23

the wicked man. He is bestowing

1:12:26

the flesh. What the fuck is this? You

1:12:29

bestowing flesh? What is happening to this man? Please

1:12:31

describe. He's transforming molecules

1:12:33

inside of him, moving organs around,

1:12:36

ripping skin apart,

1:12:37

putting it back together, turning

1:12:39

bones into jello. Oh

1:12:42

no, no, no, no, no! And

1:12:44

as you do that, the skin membrane begins to

1:12:46

fall apart,

1:12:47

and he falls, and he falls directly down

1:12:49

into the skin-eating

1:12:51

storm.

1:12:52

Oh my god,

1:12:54

that was gross!

1:12:55

That's what it feels like for me right

1:12:58

now, but I'm good at it! He

1:13:01

wasn't! At that Cordelia,

1:13:05

a gliding man, a wicked gliding man glides

1:13:07

over towards you with his arms completely

1:13:09

outstretched. He has, what is

1:13:11

that, an umbrella? Seems like a simple umbrella

1:13:14

until he pulls, oh no. It

1:13:16

was actually a long blade disguised

1:13:19

as an umbrella, and he goes to stab you with

1:13:21

the blade, and he says, I tricked you! I

1:13:23

tricked you! It's a tricky one of us,

1:13:26

and I ruled a 19! Oh

1:13:28

shit. For

1:13:30

seven damage! So,

1:13:34

Cordelia does that thing where when somebody stabs

1:13:36

you, you grab the blade? Yes, yeah,

1:13:38

yeah. Oh, and it's going to do an extra one damage

1:13:40

to the inside of your palm. She'll take it. Okay.

1:13:43

And she jams her hand into the coin pouch, grabs

1:13:46

a handful of coin coupons,

1:13:48

and slams him

1:13:49

in his face and says, see you in hell!

1:13:52

You slam the coins into his eyes and he goes, what the! He's

1:13:57

gone. She,

1:13:59

he's been so-

1:16:00

Can I try that again or is that...

1:16:02

I need to keep all of

1:16:04

that including you asking to try it again. Okay.

1:16:08

Yeah, so you look in the camera and shout, Mummy's

1:16:10

curse, Mummy me? Sir

1:16:12

Frank, while you celebrate, another man,

1:16:15

he swoops up directly above

1:16:17

you, and he's holding, he's clutching both

1:16:19

sides of an iron maiden open. He's

1:16:22

gliding up in the air with like one thousand

1:16:24

pound iron maiden. It's like a closet

1:16:27

that you open and there's spikes on the inside and he goes

1:16:29

to close it around you, around you

1:16:31

and your gliding man. He's gonna make an attack roll.

1:16:36

And it's gonna work. He

1:16:38

goes to close it on you, Sir

1:16:40

Frank, and he's moving down and he

1:16:43

begins to close and close, but this thing is very heavy. It's

1:16:45

extremely unwieldy and

1:16:47

it's going to do...

1:16:51

It's going to

1:16:52

do thirteen damage. Albie's

1:16:55

gonna try to throw the nunchucks at his genitals.

1:16:58

His genitals? He is also nude.

1:17:00

His genitals are exposed. Make

1:17:02

an attack roll on his genitals. Soon they'll be exposed.

1:17:06

Okay.

1:17:06

Ooh! A

1:17:08

nineteen without any kind of modifiers.

1:17:11

A nineteen? You throw the nunchucks.

1:17:13

You just let go. I made it for his balls.

1:17:16

Can I get a description of really focusing

1:17:18

in on it, you know, because it's gonna work?

1:17:20

Yeah. Okay. Albie sees

1:17:22

this happening. She feels

1:17:25

it's turning with her gliding man right now. She

1:17:27

tries to steer him in the

1:17:29

direction of the Iron Maiden flying man

1:17:32

and she throws the

1:17:34

nunchucks right at his balls.

1:17:36

And the nunchucks

1:17:38

you let go and it's that perfect shot. The

1:17:42

nunchucks, they're spinning around, around in the air. He's

1:17:44

so distracted with this Iron Maiden. The nunchucks

1:17:47

wrap around his balls and they just

1:17:49

keep moving and they pull his balls with

1:17:51

him and he says, No, no,

1:17:53

no! My

1:17:55

family name! The

1:17:57

right of the family jewels! Oh,

1:18:00

that's gonna- Oh, I'm

1:18:02

gonna feel that in the morning! And

1:18:04

it rips his balls

1:18:06

out, and it rips, it's fucking all

1:18:08

of his cum out. It's

1:18:10

stored, and it rips and he goes, oh, oh,

1:18:12

oh, no, no, no! And he lets go of

1:18:15

the Iron Maiden, and it falls down

1:18:17

into the skin-eating storm below. As

1:18:19

he tries to, he reaches out, he tries to fly towards

1:18:21

his balls, but they're falling,

1:18:22

they're connected to the nunchucks, they're getting heavier and

1:18:24

heavier, they're falling into the skin-eating storm.

1:18:27

The, oh, jeez, uh-oh, uh-oh. Oh,

1:18:30

no, oh, the- Oh, no, we

1:18:33

ran out of money, I can't describe what's happening. Oh,

1:18:36

it's bad. Stirf, man. Stirf,

1:18:38

watch out for the cum!

1:18:41

Stirf-eye doesn't watch out. Whoa.

1:18:43

I was gonna let you roll for it.

1:18:44

A little

1:18:47

bit cum hits you, dude. Ha ha ha ha

1:18:49

ha! Hey!

1:18:51

Hey! Justin!

1:18:54

Serve! One of

1:18:57

them, another one, Cordelia, another

1:18:59

gliding man, there are two gliding

1:19:01

men working together. One of them is aiming

1:19:03

a large cannon, and the other

1:19:06

is gliding a fuse. Gliding

1:19:10

the fuse up a cannon, like a big, anti-nableship,

1:19:15

like a big cannon, aims

1:19:18

it directly at you, one of them likes the fuse and they both

1:19:20

nod.

1:19:21

Cordelia checks the sword, she just got into the barrel,

1:19:23

hoping to wedge it between the side of the barrel

1:19:25

and the cannon. Ball. Make

1:19:29

an attack on it. Oh, that was a great

1:19:31

idea. The

1:19:34

sword, it goes into the cannon, it jams the cannon,

1:19:37

lights the fuse, the fuse is getting closer and closer and

1:19:39

closer. Oh no. She waves.

1:19:41

They, they wave, what

1:19:43

could this, what could this, oh no, there's an

1:19:45

explosion! Why? They

1:19:48

explode, they're both gone. Whoo!

1:19:51

There's only two wicked gliding

1:19:54

men left. One of them has a morning

1:19:56

star and

1:19:56

is heading directly for bellow. Great.

1:20:00

The...

1:20:02

The wicked man with the Morning Star glides

1:20:04

right behind Belo and Belo's noble

1:20:06

gliding man. Belo knows

1:20:09

this is an important moment. Belo can

1:20:11

see the Teenage Woods in front

1:20:13

of him. He can

1:20:16

taste it. He knows that this is

1:20:18

the most important leg of their journey. And

1:20:21

he thinks back. He thinks of all the

1:20:23

things they've learned and

1:20:26

all the things they've gained while they've traveled through

1:20:29

the James Woods. He thinks even to some

1:20:31

of those adventures that we may not have shared

1:20:33

on this very podcast. And

1:20:36

that is when he reaches into

1:20:38

his pack and draws forth

1:20:42

that fabled knife.

1:20:44

The Blade of Eternal Stomp. Holy

1:20:46

shit. Now? Oh my gosh. Okay,

1:20:48

make an attack roll with advantage. Oh,

1:20:52

natural 20! Oh my god! A nat 20! You

1:20:54

get another roll and you can take the higher roll. Okay.

1:20:58

Oh, I get a natural 21. Uh,

1:21:00

uh,

1:21:00

you buy it. Take the 20. Okay. Alright,

1:21:03

yeah, yeah, you make an attack roll for double damage. Okay, that's gonna be... So

1:21:05

that's gonna be double slumbers. Double slumbers.

1:21:10

That's 14. 14? You

1:21:12

do 14 damage and you plunge this man.

1:21:14

The blade, it enters... It hits him right

1:21:17

in between the ribs. Oh, it

1:21:19

goes in. He looks at you and he comprehends. He

1:21:21

says, no, it couldn't be. He's

1:21:23

got the blade, the Blade of Eternal

1:21:25

Slumbers, but I'll never wake up! Belo

1:21:27

pulls him closer with the knife and

1:21:30

he looks him in the eye and he says, sweet

1:21:32

dreams. And he says,

1:21:34

no, no, no! And he grabs the Blade

1:21:36

of Eternal Slumbers as he falls asleep.

1:21:39

And then falls asleep again, even deeper,

1:21:41

taking the blade with him. No!

1:21:45

It worked, Belo. But at what

1:21:47

cost?

1:21:48

There is one more wicked gliding man.

1:21:51

He has a little plastic, like, shark

1:21:53

bitey instrument. He looks around

1:21:56

at all of you and says, ah, you! And

1:21:58

he begins to glide away from the blade.

1:21:59

the rest of the group.

1:22:02

Honest misunderstanding!

1:22:03

Woo-hoo!

1:22:07

Yeah! Freddy

1:22:10

leans down and kisses his man on

1:22:12

the cheek. The man looks

1:22:14

back at you and he kisses back and says,

1:22:17

don't tell

1:22:17

why! Never

1:22:19

friend, never tell why. Bella

1:22:23

watches the last wicked

1:22:26

gliding man fly away and then looks

1:22:28

down watching as the figure of the

1:22:30

wicked gliding man he stabbed fade into

1:22:33

the storm and he thinks, and he says

1:22:35

out loud, it's okay, I'll

1:22:37

get it back after a good night's sleep! You

1:22:42

watch as the man is just, he's ripped apart,

1:22:44

the storm rips his skin apart, the blade

1:22:47

of eternal slumber, which oh no, it was made of the

1:22:50

skin of the first sleeper. It's ripped

1:22:52

apart, the blade of eternal slumbers

1:22:55

is gone, it's atomized.

1:22:56

Lord Dreamstar will

1:22:58

be crushed! And

1:23:03

you later.

1:23:06

["A Gliding Good Time"] Now

1:23:09

that's what I call a gliding

1:23:11

good time. Oh,

1:23:13

you know, I, look, I'm trying to add

1:23:16

puns into my thing. You

1:23:18

know, I'm trying to incorporate, that was

1:23:20

Ali Fisher as Cordelia, Ali

1:23:23

Minado as Albie, Christopher

1:23:26

Hastings as Frederick de Bodesby, Joe

1:23:28

Lepore as Bello, Tim

1:23:31

Platt as stir fry, and Branson

1:23:33

Reese as everything and everyone

1:23:36

else. What a guy, I revere him above

1:23:38

God. Root Tales of Magic

1:23:41

is produced by Taylor Moore and Fortune

1:23:43

Horse and by Bucket of Milk, edited

1:23:46

by Sam Grant and sound design

1:23:48

and scored by Pontiac Sanders

1:23:51

with additional sound design for a

1:23:53

Michael Gelfey.

1:23:54

Also, Tyler

1:23:56

Button and Sydney and Benjamin

1:23:59

Paul. They helped so much

1:24:01

that they are I said

1:24:03

earlier that I reviewed Branson above

1:24:06

God I reviewed them above Branson

1:24:08

so that what does that tell you all

1:24:10

right?

1:24:11

I'll see you in two weeks unless

1:24:13

the crows pick out my eyeballs,

1:24:15

which is an active threat good night

1:24:25

That was a hate gun podcast