0:01

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

0:09

Hello, perverts. Welcome back

0:12

to Rude Tales of Magic,

0:15

the only podcast that you're

0:17

listening to right this moment,

0:19

unless you're doing something weird.

0:25

Thank you, Gray Freaker. I'll take it from here.

0:28

Welcome back to Rude Tales of Magic.

0:31

With their greatest enemy, Carlito

0:34

Master Bandit, murdered, our heroes

0:36

stand at the top of a hill,

0:38

gazing down into the town of

0:41

Soaking Valley. Only it's

0:43

not the Soaking Valley. It's

0:46

blue? A sign reads,

0:48

Soaking Valley. If you lived here,

0:51

you'd be home by now. Only it doesn't

0:53

read that, idiot. Let me finish. The

0:55

words Valley and home

0:58

are crossed out in deep blue ink

1:00

and replaced with mother and

1:03

hers, respectively.

1:05

For our slower listeners, that means that sign

1:07

now says Soaking Mother.

1:09

If you lived here, you'd be hers

1:12

by now.

1:14

This used to be my playground.

1:18

Okay, so, same

1:21

as last time, we just have to find something

1:24

that grosses mother out so much

1:27

that

1:27

when she absorbs it, she

1:30

self-destructs and

1:32

will be fine. Freddy

1:35

coughs up a robin. And

1:39

it falls wetly on the ground

1:41

and then shakes off spittle and

1:44

brine and then flies into the air. I

1:46

might be able to come up with something. Albie,

1:49

Cordelia, and Bello, you hear the robin

1:51

say, there's got to be a safer way to get

1:53

high. And then it flies away.

1:56

Freddy, you

1:58

think you could come up with something? I

2:00

just did it. I didn't even try how'd

2:02

that thing get in there? Yeah, that's

2:04

disgusting If only we had some of that

2:07

like anti-magic poop left. Oh, yeah

2:12

Yeah, and Freddy holds up his left

2:14

hand encrusted with dried

2:17

albino pig feces in

2:19

a handy jar for travel

2:22

Yes, yes. Yes back to the basics

2:24

of this crew when mother rears her

2:27

ugly head against us We have a have a

2:29

clay the freaks at our disposal

2:32

anything any part of Frederick's

2:34

body will gross it out until

2:36

it's just a little bit of a scene again. Isn't

2:38

that right Freddy? Yes

2:43

You're little cutie pie Freddy cutie

2:45

pie when you talk like that So

2:47

Albie is scanning the horizon

2:50

and like are we seeing you

2:52

know, are we seeing veins or arteries?

2:54

Like are we seeing how

2:56

be that's an incredible question, but I'm

2:58

gonna need you to make a perception roll Tell

3:01

you exactly what you see

3:09

Albie you look around and you look around

3:11

you have incredible eyesight actually you have incredible

3:13

perception But a natural one you are just

3:15

focused in on that bird the bird the

3:17

robin that flew out of

3:20

out of the bones Be it's just it's flying and

3:22

it's flying is getting smaller and smaller

3:24

away, but you cannot take your eyes off

3:27

of it What was that bird story? How did

3:29

that get into Freddy? It doesn't seem that

3:31

it went in through the mouth. What happened? What

3:33

was going on with that bird? Who was

3:35

that bird? Where did that bird come from? These

3:38

are the answers

3:38

the quit. These are the answers you wish you had Questions

3:43

and they're not answers. They're questions. You're fucked up

3:45

Albie. You don't know what's going on You're trembling

3:47

with fear. You can't see anything. You can't see

3:49

a foot in front of you. What's going on? Oh

3:54

Hey, are you okay? Are

3:56

you sorry? I just got really I really

3:59

overwhelmed hey Let me look

4:01

over again. Uh, Cordelia moves. Okay,

4:03

yeah, no, you packed it. Now you make another. Now,

4:05

Albi, make a second perception roll this

4:08

time. Hopefully this will go better than a natural one.

4:11

It did. A 16. A 16?

4:14

Yes. Oh, Albi. For a 16, you

4:17

can see the unobscured down in front

4:20

of you, which is simply down a single

4:22

hill. The town greets you with ominously

4:25

open arms. You see buildings,

4:26

none more than 50 years old,

4:29

stretching out before you, but there's a

4:31

new structure in the middle of the town. A

4:34

massive, four-story organic

4:36

growth, like a tumor in a zit had

4:38

a baby.

4:39

It sits malignantly in the middle of the

4:41

town, pulsating with a blue light coming

4:44

from deep within one of its aortic

4:46

chambers. Human-sized

4:48

veins and hallway-sized arteries

4:51

spread out like a spider web, engulfing

4:54

the buildings in swollen blue flesh

4:56

that

4:56

robs like an infection. One

4:59

of the buildings seems like it's made entirely

5:01

out of dried shit. Smells like

5:03

it, too. That building actually seems

5:05

to be doing its own thing and is untouched by

5:07

any tendrils. Can't say I blame the

5:10

tendrils. The streets are full

5:12

of many different types of people.

5:14

Many old, many young, hell,

5:16

many in the middle. It's a lot of people. But

5:19

all of them have large, throbbing

5:21

blue groves coming out of their heads and

5:24

placid expressions on their faces.

5:27

You hear the gentle crack of bones

5:29

as a human man's arm is ripped from

5:31

the socket and an arm-wrestling contest

5:34

on the street.

5:35

The gentle spray of blue blood

5:37

does not trouble the man as his head growth

5:39

throbs and a small blue appendage

5:42

begins growing from the socket.

5:44

You hear the sound of wagon wheels on cobblestone

5:47

streets, wagons pulled by obedient

5:49

donkeys with blue groves coming

5:52

out of their heads. One of the veins

5:54

throbs and moans before shitting

5:56

out a little newsy with a blue growth

5:59

on his head.

5:59

soaking wet in translucent blue

6:02

afterbirth. He produces a newspaper

6:04

and shouts, Xtree Xtree, read all

6:06

about it! Mother gives birth to another

6:09

obedient child! Nobody

6:11

gives him a second look because that's not

6:13

new! It's a city

6:16

of tens. Oh boy.

6:19

Ugh. I don't know, maybe we should just move

6:21

on. This shit's nasty!

6:24

What is up with the pustule? Bello,

6:27

Bello, we don't move on. I

6:30

for one am tired of everyone thinking they can push

6:32

us around and expect us to tiptoe

6:34

around their weirdness. Even though these ones are

6:36

very, very hot in my opinion, it's the weirdest mix of very hot.

6:39

What I say is anyone in our path, we eradicate

6:42

from our path. From here, more.

6:45

I'm just saying that we already have

6:47

somewhere big to be. We already have to get to

6:49

hell. When we get back from hell, this will still

6:52

be here. If you avoid a fight,

6:54

the fight finds you. Never avoid

6:56

a fight. Unless your wigs

6:59

never avoid a fight, stirf. So

7:02

I'm with you right there. As I

7:04

was saying it, I thought,

7:06

I've been to the hypocrite myself, I've been to the fight

7:08

before, but I'm right now. But

7:11

right now, friends, I'm more certain

7:13

than I've ever been that avoiding

7:15

a fight is not cool. And

7:18

I want to be, and I am cool. Stirfry,

7:21

while you talk about how cool you are, one

7:23

of these humans is cresting the hill right

7:25

now with a completely neutral, plastic

7:28

expression on their face. They're walking up towards

7:31

all of you right now. This

7:33

is not the man who lost his arm in

7:36

the arm wrestling contest, but it could have been.

7:39

It could have been. This could have been the exact

7:41

same guy. It's just a coincidence

7:43

of circumstance. He reaches an arm

7:45

out to you guys as he gets higher and higher up the

7:48

hill and says, welcome to the soaking mother.

7:51

Hi.

7:53

Welcome. You must be new here. Let me

7:55

take you to the center of town. Why

7:57

what's there? there.

8:00

You haven't been kissed by mother. You need

8:02

a little kiss on the forehead from mother. He

8:06

reaches out and he puts an arm on Albie's

8:08

shoulder. He puts a hand on Albie's shoulder. She

8:10

kind of brusquely swats it away

8:13

involuntarily. Completely

8:15

undeterred. He just puts his other hand on

8:17

your shoulder and he holds down very hard this time.

8:21

His touch is cold. It's

8:23

like air conditioning cold. Set

8:28

way too low. Not

8:31

the good guy. We

8:33

actually got kissed by mother a long time ago. We're

8:35

good.

8:36

No, you're not. Come

8:38

with me. He puts his other hand

8:41

on Albie's other shoulder and he begins pulling Albie

8:43

back with him. No, no, no.

8:45

Albie's gonna try to grapple

8:47

him off of her. Yeah,

8:49

make a strength roll. 15? Yes,

8:54

you knock him down. He falls down. Oh, no,

8:56

he falls down and just lands on his

8:58

back. And like a turtle on his back, he

9:00

just struggles a little. But now that he's

9:03

down, you can see that six

9:05

other humans just like him have begun walking

9:07

up the hill all saying, welcome, welcome

9:09

to the soaking mother. You need to go get kissed

9:11

by mommy.

9:13

Albie turns to stir-fry. Is there anything

9:16

in your disguise kit that could give us blue

9:18

lumps so they're not

9:20

like trying to give us blue lumps?

9:23

I believe I used all the blue when I made myself

9:25

into a little parrot. Stir-fry,

9:27

one of the one of the people he puts his hand

9:30

on your shoulder, he says, I'm sorry about that one that

9:32

said mommy. He's new here. He hasn't learned that

9:34

her name is Mother. Mother, you need to be

9:36

kissed by Mother. He goes to your

9:38

very your little guy, stir-fry. He goes to put

9:40

you under his arm and carry you down the

9:42

hill. Stir-fry grabs him

9:45

under the armpit and then uses the forward momentum

9:47

to try to throw him

9:50

over his own shoulder, throw him over his body.

9:52

That's gonna be an athletics roll. Stir-fry

9:55

knows judo. Maybe.

9:58

Well, we'll see.

9:59

you're going

10:02

to be like, Oh,

10:17

Oh, no, Oh, no, Oh, no, as he

10:21

rolls down the hill and they say, Oh, no, we've

10:23

been says, So it's mother, not the

10:26

best. I'm like, Oh, no, no, no, I'm not. I'm not. Slowly

10:30

they all begin to rise again

10:32

and undeterred with plastic expressions on their faces. They walk

10:34

towards you. welcome

10:37

to the soaking mother makes

10:41

a real big show. Mommy

10:44

is the wrong thing. So

10:46

they're really cold, right? Really

10:49

cold to the touch. You're not going to be able to turn

10:52

to the closest one to her. Okay,

10:56

so that's going to be a human man. Okay, Is he blue? out

11:00

of the top of his head. It's like a jaunty angle. They're

11:03

all at different like someone

11:05

like trying out a

11:08

you. Could this

11:10

be you? Is this you? You just had a big breakup.

11:13

Is this the new you good.

11:15

He's not that energy. I

11:19

think it's a good idea to go to blast some burning

11:21

hands right

11:25

at his growth. Okay, he makes a dexterity

11:27

saving throw. He gets five, though, so you

11:31

definitely hit dead on and untamed

11:34

element. It's not known know,

11:36

you get the growth on the get

11:39

the entire head for 17

11:40

damage. The thing about 17 fire damage

11:44

to somebody who, by the way, had six

11:46

hit points. He was like, Oh, yeah. And

11:48

when it does all of

11:50

the other people around, say, Oh, ow,

11:52

ow, Tara. No, no, no, no. But this

11:56

guy, he says nothing because we're he's got doesn't

11:58

have a mouth anymore. The head

11:59

But a little, you know, something's coming out of

12:02

the throat, but that's not screaming,

12:04

really. Yeah. That's just some bile

12:06

just sort of shooting up out of the throat. He falls

12:08

over, he falls onto the knees, falls over forward,

12:11

and the others walk towards you saying, please

12:13

don't do that to us. That was very painful. Does he

12:15

stay down?

12:17

He stays down. He's out. OK. He has no head.

12:21

Was he a horseman? Bello's going

12:23

to look at stir fry, making cool eye

12:25

contact and says, hey, stir,

12:28

maybe you could perform a little surgery.

12:31

Yeah. Hey, yeah. Oh, you know it, pal.

12:34

I'll, um, I'll fix

12:37

your knee. Is that what you're

12:39

saying right now? No, dude, do some-

12:42

Give you a new toe. No, do some cool

12:44

like rogue moves, dude, and like slice

12:46

off one of these growths. Oh,

12:48

yeah. So I just just quickly, dear, I don't

12:50

consider that like a medical thing. It's actually

12:52

the opposite of medical. The humans with the blue groves

12:54

on their head, they all look around, they say, the kenku

12:57

is planning to use rogue tactics to

12:59

harm us. We need to go for, we

13:01

need to strategically, we need to aim for

13:03

the crow. So let's all do that. They all nod and say, that's

13:06

a great idea. And one of them says, I'm so sorry about

13:08

the mommy thing. I feel like I really, I

13:10

undercut everyone.

13:11

And I didn't mean to do that. I'm

13:13

brand new to the growth. And they all head

13:15

towards stir fry, stir fry. More are

13:18

coming up the hill and

13:21

they, one of them, the

13:23

growth on their head begins throbbing and

13:26

others from down below, they nod wordlessly.

13:28

And they all 20 now people

13:31

are moving out of the town and all walking up

13:33

towards stir fry in particular stir fry. What

13:35

are you going to do? And the humans with blue

13:37

growths closest to stir fry bump

13:40

right into a wall

13:41

of rats. A bunch of rats have

13:43

swarmed around stir fry and built a wall

13:46

in between him and these people as stir fry

13:48

explains the below. It just

13:50

that surgery is one of those,

13:52

it's a medical thing for eight. What

13:55

I do is I kill, kill, kill. Now, if

13:57

you're saying I, there's surgical precision

13:59

in what I do.

13:59

So that's all we would do there. But precision's

14:02

not the first thing I think of when I think of surgery.

14:04

I think of healing. I think of health. So the thing

14:06

about a wall of rats is it's very icky,

14:09

but it provides very little structural integrity

14:12

and the humans just push through it very quick.

14:14

They knock the rats away. Many rats are, I'm

14:16

sorry to say, losing their lives as humans are just

14:19

stepping on them and stomping forward and

14:21

they're reaching out for you, stir fry. They're completely

14:23

unarmed, but you now feel four sets of hands

14:26

on you, all pulling you with them across

14:28

this now, this fallen

14:30

tower of Babel of rats. While they're doing this, Branson,

14:33

while they're focused all of their

14:35

attention on stir fry, Belo

14:37

is going to draw his scimitar and he is

14:39

going to attempt to slice

14:42

off the growth from one of the

14:44

people grabbing on to stir fry. Now,

14:47

gee, you're gonna have to make an attack roll to make that happen. Okay,

14:49

Branson, let's see what goes down. I love what you're saying

14:52

and I trust you, but we'll see.

14:55

That would be a natural 20, my

14:57

friend.

14:59

That would be a natural 20. So

15:01

that, this smooth, so

15:04

listen, fans of D&D might know that

15:06

that comes no surprise to you. It works. You

15:09

cleanly slice it up. You are,

15:12

this is like, you don't even leave a scar,

15:14

dude. You just like, you get in there, you get it like

15:17

right to the, the fuck, there was hair underneath,

15:19

you don't cut the hair. You don't cut

15:21

the hair, dude. It just, you cut that thing fucking

15:23

right off. It comes right off with a

15:26

pop. And as soon as it's off, what happens

15:28

is for a moment, it looks like

15:31

Belo did nothing. It looks like Belo,

15:33

like Belo's sword just

15:36

like phased through the growth. And

15:38

then after just a moment,

15:41

the growth slowly slides off

15:43

the guy's head cleanly. It

15:45

does. And as soon as it slides off of his, there's like

15:47

a white line, right? As soon as it starts

15:49

sliding off, it begins very

15:52

quickly. It begins decaying and over

15:54

ripening and rotting right before your eyes

15:56

and it falls off with a horrible, it

15:58

hits the cobble.

15:59

the street. You're still at the

16:06

top of the hill, but it's a cobblestone

16:08

street leading up there. And

16:10

as soon as it hits the street, it begins

16:12

hissing and boiling

16:15

and burning away at the cobblestone. And the man who's

16:18

left looks at you with new eyes and says,

16:20

what's happening? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

16:22

Get out

16:23

of here. Get out. Get out now. Oh,

16:26

my God. Fuck. What do I do? I

16:28

have no survivalist instincts. I'm not going to last a fortnight

16:31

in these woods, but it's better than what awaits

16:33

me and the soaking mommy. I was the

16:35

mommy guy. Albie, Albie, go after

16:37

him. We need answers. On

16:40

it. And Albie's going to run after that guy.

16:42

You quickly overpower him.

16:44

He's a normal man. You're a dexterous barbarian.

16:47

Hi. Hi. I'm

16:50

not going to hurt you, but I

16:53

need- It's not about being hurt. Mother wasn't going

16:55

to hurt me either. Can you tell me what

16:57

happened? How did this- How did this whole

17:00

town get overrun

17:02

like this? Nobody knows,

17:04

but people think it was several seeds. There

17:06

were like blue growing seeds that were left

17:09

at the peacekeepers. You know, the-

17:13

the- the jail. It seemed to come from

17:15

there because now that's where the heart is- is located

17:18

now. And she just came and it's-

17:21

you know, at first it was like, oh, there's a big heart, but

17:23

it's a silky valley. You know, it's a crazy town.

17:24

Yeah. There's people with heads made of

17:26

clouds here. There's- Pepsi Brother. It's

17:28

a- it's a crazy place. Then there was a big heart

17:31

and before you knew it most people,

17:33

you know, had these blue groves on their head. And then eventually I was

17:35

one of the

17:36

last people. Then I had a blue growth on my head. I vaguely remember

17:38

everything that was happening. It's terrible. Yeah. It's

17:41

terrible. You're trapped inside your body. You can watch what's

17:43

happening, but you have no- you have no say over what's happening.

17:46

It's horrible. I'm really sorry. I

17:48

think that was us. Um, you can go have a good life.

17:51

That was you? Yeah, I think,

17:56

um, we definitely

17:58

had seeds.

18:01

Uh, we definitely had some blue seeds.

18:04

You monsters. You

18:06

pieces of shit. You absolute

18:10

wretched. If I had any physical

18:12

strength or institutional power, I would wield

18:14

it against you, but I don't. I am no danger

18:17

to you.

18:17

Do you want to hit me? Yes.

18:20

Okay, Elby's gonna just like... But I won't. And

18:22

that's the difference between you and me. Unless

18:24

you wouldn't hit me, I don't know what you're like. Uh,

18:27

it depends. That

18:29

seems like a yes. If

18:32

it was a no, it would have been a no. Yeah, sorry, what's

18:34

your name? Alright,

18:37

fair enough. What's your name? Uh-huh.

18:41

Greg Proops. Yeah, you can leave. I'm

18:44

saying, get out of here. Have

18:46

a good... Okay, I'm going. I

18:49

just, I don't like that I share my name with a famous

18:52

improv comedian who

18:54

exists in our world.

18:56

Um, yeah, I get that. I wouldn't like

18:58

it either.

19:00

I'm out of here. I hope you find your peace

19:02

with what you've done. Um, before

19:05

you go, do you have any idea

19:07

how to stop her? How

19:11

to stop her? Yeah. Why

19:13

don't you just get away from her? That's

19:15

what I'm doing. If I knew how to stop her, I would have done

19:17

it. I spent three whole weeks

19:20

in town... No, months. I

19:22

spent three whole months in town... Ah, two months.

19:25

I spent two months... I'm not a calendar guy. I

19:27

spent two whole months in town

19:29

avoiding her. There's

19:31

a resistance. There's an underground resistance. There

19:34

is? Yes, of course there's always an underground

19:36

resistance. Well, how do you get underground? The

19:39

sewers. Where's the closest

19:41

entrance to the sewer? I'm

19:43

not a city planner. I'm

19:45

an event coordinator. Oh!

19:48

Um, well... And

19:52

my name is Greg Proops. Okay, okay Greg, thank

19:54

you so much. I'm really sorry. We

19:57

didn't know. We didn't know what the seeds would do.

19:59

So I'm gonna let you go and

20:02

I'm gonna go talk to my friends. Let

20:06

this be a lesson. If ever again

20:08

you are in the possession of several strange,

20:12

arcane, genocidal blue seeds,

20:14

don't lose track of them. I,

20:17

that's really good advice, Greg. I

20:20

didn't hear and I promise. Oh, I promise. Okay.

20:24

Bye. Goodbye, I will

20:27

die in these woods. Runs off into the woods.

20:29

As Albie turns back, what a sight she

20:32

sees. Stir-fry rides

20:34

the blue growth with a knife in the hand, solid

20:37

off. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

20:41

With every hack of the saw, everyone around you,

20:43

no, no, stop, stop, ow,

20:45

stop, stop.

20:46

Guys, Albie's gonna

20:48

beckon to the group from like

20:50

just, you know, just beyond the fringe of

20:52

the town. Yeah, Cordelia drops two coins

20:55

in the like mess of the head that she exploded

20:57

and runs over to Albie.

20:59

Yeah, what's going on? Are we leaving? What

21:01

are we doing? Stir-fry jams the knife even deeper and

21:03

then April, and then after nudging

21:05

it back and forth, he's able to manipulate the brain, then

21:08

turning that man to Albie and

21:10

then forcing him forward, riding

21:12

him like a horse. Yeah, you ratatouille

21:15

this guy over towards Albie,

21:17

but you, as soon as you get to the edge

21:20

of town, the edge of town is delineated

21:22

by the sign, which says the soaking mother. As

21:24

soon as you get to that, he just begins walking

21:26

into it, like a video game character at the edge

21:29

of where you can walk. He just,

21:31

he cannot, he can go no further.

21:33

And he says, ow, ow, ow, ow.

21:36

This is a form of torture, stop,

21:37

ow, ow. I never tried

21:39

to hurt you. Why did you do this to me? It's not fair. All

21:42

right. Same as before,

21:44

the growth begins immediately to over ripen

21:46

and rot. And it is

21:48

horrible. Actually, stir-fry, since you're handling

21:50

it, I need you to roll a D12. Six.

21:56

It does six, like just necrotic damage.

21:59

your hand as

22:02

soon as it is is is

22:04

as soon as it's detached from this guy it does six necrotic

22:06

damage to your hand it burns it hurts

22:09

so bad of the guy screams what's going on what's

22:11

going on what's oh my god oh my brain oh there

22:13

was a knife in my brain I really didn't want

22:14

to be ratatouille and he dies

22:22

finally he shut up and my

22:24

hand hurts I'll be what's going on hello

22:27

Freddie come on come here

22:29

we're right here I'm not a fuck enough for you

22:31

what the fuck I'll be I'll

22:34

be like kind of like Pat

22:36

stir fry on the shoulder and she huddles her friends

22:39

together what did you learn together now on the

22:41

edge of town and everyone there is just like

22:43

a wall of people just standing looking

22:46

directly at you saying oh come on come into

22:48

the soaking mother please come on Ali

22:51

what did you learn from Greg oh

22:53

he was at the delighted wife okay we

23:01

flashback to the delighted wife Bell

23:05

this is like months ago Bello you're you're ordering

23:07

a drink and a man at the bar looks at you and says

23:10

do you

23:11

have any events you need coordinated I used

23:13

to have a lot of frat parties really recently

23:16

but at the moment not so many

23:18

that's a damn shame by the way I'm Bella

23:21

where were my manners what's your name friend my

23:24

name is Greg Greg

23:26

P nice

23:29

to meet you nice to meet you below

23:31

G below

23:33

G

23:34

hello sir hey I have a guy the

23:38

question for you what's something you can say

23:40

to

23:40

your chauffeur but not your wife

23:42

well

23:43

probably

23:45

anything me and my wife have a terrible relationship yeah

23:49

we flashback to the present he had a wife

23:54

focus focus okay so Greg

23:56

told me that there is an underground resistance

23:58

trying to fight against mother. Oh

24:02

hell yeah. Cherry!

24:05

Maybe! I bet it's Scrumfabulance.

24:08

Well whoever it is we have to get

24:10

to the sewers if we want to make contact with them. I don't

24:13

think there's any way fighting our way through

24:16

this unless we want to kill all these people and

24:18

as much as that is kind of our MO

24:20

that feels it's starting to feel very bad.

24:23

No

24:24

I agree if we get our hands dirty

24:26

then we get our hands hurt. Her tea.

24:29

If you look at my hand. What? Cordelia,

24:32

Cordelia is looking at the guy

24:34

that she put coins like

24:37

in the mess of where his head was. Yeah yeah.

24:40

And she's like sort of thinking

24:42

about that and turns

24:45

back to the group and is like you know that guy

24:50

I just sent him to the diner. You

24:54

sent his soul to the diner. Okay

24:56

but I think like

24:59

we might go to the diner. Well

25:02

doesn't that depend on where we die?

25:05

Definitely but I'm

25:08

just thinking if we if

25:11

we kill people now.

25:13

Mm-hmm. Aren't

25:15

we just gonna see them again

25:19

soon? Yeah but like they wouldn't have

25:21

all this stuff you know. No

25:23

we definitely will.

25:25

That's part of why I think we shouldn't kill

25:27

an entire city. Oh.

25:31

Cord, Cord,

25:33

Cord that's why we're going back to Polaris.

25:36

We're not going we're not gonna go to the diner we're going right

25:38

back to Polaris and then we're just gonna like quickly

25:41

send it back up here and then we'll be done and come back.

25:44

So we're not even gonna like stop into the diner if we wanted

25:46

to stop in the diner we wouldn't have to go

25:49

on this long journey we could have just killed ourselves

25:51

at any time and coined up.

25:53

Wait how close is the diner to Polaris?

25:57

I do not have a map but I did sort

25:59

of think

25:59

we could just swing by. I

26:02

don't I just assumed that I would be

26:04

able to like check it out, you know, like,

26:08

because I've been working remotely for so long, I thought

26:10

it'd be kind of nice. CORD, CORD,

26:13

I, you know, we're tight.

26:15

We're like, we're we're buds. But

26:18

yeah, this could have come up sooner. I,

26:21

I thought that you all were thinking the same

26:24

thing as me. And while

26:26

you guys have this discussion from out of the tree

26:28

line, a barrage of volley

26:31

of orange flame start shooting

26:33

out of the tree line. Rapid

26:37

fire, rapid fire. It is like being shot

26:39

out of like a gatling gun just like orange

26:41

flame and just like little balls of orange

26:43

flame are shooting out of the forest

26:46

at all of these people around

26:48

the edge of town. It's hitting them in the head and turning

26:50

up their their blue growths, but also

26:53

their heads killing them. There's the

26:55

flames spread through this group of people. It

26:57

is now probably 30 or 40 people who are just

26:59

standing there waiting for you to return to the town

27:02

and they begin to catch on inflamed and they go

27:04

no, no, oh, no, oh, no, no, no, no, no,

27:06

no, no. And the ones that are caught

27:08

into flame, they die, they fall over, they

27:10

die instantly in the others there, they're

27:12

grabbing their own unharmed blue growth

27:15

say, oh, ow, ow, ow, ow, and they run and

27:17

run. And they're just running back into town. Now

27:19

you're completely alone, along with probably 11

27:21

or 12 just

27:23

like burned up bodies, their heads

27:26

are still burning. There's like smoldering

27:28

embers of orange flame coming off the top of their

27:30

heads. Whoa. Albie wheels around

27:33

and tries to locate where that fire

27:35

was coming from. Bellows gonna run right in

27:37

in the direction of it. You

27:39

run right in in the direction and Bella, you don't have to run far

27:42

because sitting on a stump is

27:44

a small gnome man who

27:46

appears to be in his late 40s.

27:49

He has an eye patch covering a deep

27:52

scar,

27:52

a five o'clock shadow and

27:54

a sleeveless white shirt deep

27:57

in his thick graying chest hair

27:59

are

27:59

battle damage dog tags. He

28:02

wears camo fatigues and combat

28:04

boots. On his arm is a tattoo

28:06

of a broken heart with the word family?

28:09

written above it in script. Oh my god. His

28:12

right arm is gone at the elbow, replaced

28:15

with some sort of preposterous and yes,

28:18

steampunk cannon. His

28:20

left hand has been replaced with a right

28:22

hand. From his mouth dangles

28:25

a single cigarette. He

28:27

takes a drag and lowers his Joe Biden

28:29

sunglasses.

28:31

Come with me if you want to live. Oh

28:34

my god.

28:36

Peebus.

28:54

Hey guys, what are you up to? Let's

28:56

get back to the pool. This barbecue won't grill

28:58

itself. Not now Tim. We just got

29:01

some breaking news.

29:02

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I love

29:04

the news. Politics? Business? Wall

29:06

Street always keeps me on my toes. No, Tim,

29:09

Tim, this is more important. It's about the Rood

29:11

Tales Patreon. Oh my, I'm so sorry.

29:13

Hey everyone, everyone quiet

29:16

down. Summer fun has got to wait.

29:19

Now,

29:20

what's this about the Rood Tales

29:23

Patreon? Well, for a long

29:25

time, Rood Tales has only had their five dollar and

29:27

ten dollar tiers. Of course,

29:29

Popper's Folly and the Bearers of the Black

29:31

Grail, which gets you access to all kinds of bonus

29:33

audio episodes like Rood Talks of Chatting and

29:36

Patreon exclusive games like MercBorg.

29:38

Are you saying that's changing?

29:41

It is. Rood

29:43

Tales of Magic is adding two new Patreon

29:45

tiers. And Tim, they're live

29:47

right now. Oh

29:50

my god. I thought Wall Street was the only

29:52

thing that could surprise me. Tell me everything.

29:54

Well, the first new tier is Gnome Nobles,

29:57

and for 25 dollars a month, you get everything you

29:59

need. and our lower Patreon tiers. And

30:02

more. There's a special Discord channel just

30:04

for the nobles, complimentary tickets to live RootTale

30:06

shows, and we'll send you a character

30:09

sheet for an original 5e character written

30:11

by you or me or even

30:13

Allie Fisher.

30:15

And spots are limited, so people are gonna act

30:17

fast. That's

30:20

incredible, but look, I

30:22

sort of want to get back to my summer vacation. I

30:25

really hope there's not more. Tim,

30:27

I'm sorry, but there just is. For

30:30

their most generous supporters, RootTales

30:32

is introducing a brand new Big

30:34

Freak tier.

30:36

Okay, look, I'm starting to feel like you guys waited

30:38

to break this news to steal the limelight at

30:40

my barbecue. What is this, a hostile

30:42

takeover on Wall Street?

30:44

And that's not true. Hey, tell

30:46

you what, to find out more about the Big Freak

30:48

tier, you can just go to patreon.com

30:51

slash RootTalesOfMagic.

30:53

You can go to patreon.com slash

30:55

RootTalesOfMagic. We'll do that.

30:58

Thanks, guys. Now, can

31:01

we jump in this pool? Really?

31:03

You mean it? Oh, thank you. I

31:05

love you guys.

31:13

Friends, listeners, Romans, don't

31:15

lend me a cent, but you can

31:18

lease me your, uh, your ears. Yeah,

31:22

you can lend, you can lease

31:25

me your, uh, I'm starting over. Hi,

31:27

I'm Tim Plath, and I do a show in Brooklyn

31:29

called Made of Bugs, where I do a mix of

31:31

stand-up, musical comedy, and sketch.

31:33

But

31:33

this month, I'm doing things even bigger

31:36

and even bander because for

31:38

the first time, I will have a full backing

31:41

band for all of my original songs. I

31:43

really hope you come to check it out. This will be the first show of

31:45

its kind for me, and I hope to keep on growing

31:47

it so the more people there, the better. It's

31:49

on Tuesday, July 25th at Littlefield

31:52

in Brooklyn, New York. And this month, we will

31:53

have special guests, Simple Town,

31:56

Spike Einbinder, and Richard Perez.

31:59

Not to mention... the band itself, Simon

32:01

Haynes and his musical boys. A

32:04

bigger band or made of bugs is at Littlefield

32:06

on July 25th and you can get your tickets

32:08

right now on my Linktree, linktree

32:11

slash timothyplatt,

32:12

l-i-n-k-t-r

32:14

dot e-e slash timothyplatt, that's

32:16

linktree with a dot between the r and the e or

32:19

at the Littlefield website. I hope

32:21

to see you there.

32:30

Pupis!

32:35

How

32:38

do you know that name? He

32:40

looks around at the entire group now. Who are you?

32:42

How do you know me? Who sent you? Oh, we

32:45

knew your dad. Um.

32:49

You knew Barfus?

32:51

Oh, uh, okay. I might

32:54

have gotten lost in the weeds here a little bit. Uh,

32:56

we knew Pupis? Yeah.

33:00

He takes a drag on a cigarette and goes, I haven't heard

33:02

that name in a long, long time. Seems

33:05

like a name from a distant dream, from

33:07

a life half remembered. I think we're

33:10

getting ahead. It disappears now like

33:12

water dissolving in water. Oh, sorry. Did

33:14

you have something to say? Yeah, I think we're getting ahead

33:16

of ourselves. What's your name?

33:19

My name is Pupis. Yeah, that's what- But

33:22

you already knew that because many of you shouted

33:24

it at me. It's Pupis, Bello. It's

33:26

Pupis. So, have

33:28

you celebrated a lot of birthdays recently? No,

33:32

it works different for gnomes. You

33:34

see, the natural state of a gnome is being

33:36

a little old man. Yeah. And

33:38

so our adolescence are extremely rapid.

33:41

In a matter of months, we can get into our late

33:44

40s, just from babyhood into our late 40s,

33:46

and then very quickly, we settle

33:48

around a nice, like, 90 to 100,

33:51

and we stay that way for several hundred

33:53

years.

33:53

Albie is looking horrified

33:55

at Bello, and she's like, I can't believe

33:58

you forgot our baby.

34:01

What do you mean you're a baby? Don't

34:03

talk to me about babies. He takes a drag

34:05

on a cigarette. He goes, you know, I was left in the

34:07

woods as a baby. It's the cruelest,

34:10

coldest thing you can do to a baby

34:12

is to leave it alone in the woods. You know, if you

34:14

don't touch babies, they die. Did

34:17

you know that? But also, if you leave them

34:19

alone in the woods, sometimes they grow

34:21

up to be hardened, and bitter, cynical

34:24

bastards. Just like me.

34:27

I'm the best at what I do. But what I do

34:30

ain't nice. It's killing people

34:32

here in the soaking mother.

34:34

You know, Peebus,

34:37

I've learned a lot in my travels and... Have

34:40

you learned how to kill a family? That's

34:43

my last goal, to kill the ones who left

34:45

me behind. Maybe what you don't

34:47

know is that like,

34:48

maybe whoever left you behind was

34:52

protecting you from a greater danger. What

34:55

greater danger? I was left alone

34:57

in the woods. I was

34:59

left there with giant spiders. There was a massive,

35:02

like, flesh baby thing that I

35:04

narrowly avoided a number of times. I was left

35:06

very close. You're talking about Kevin. You're talking

35:08

about Kevin. Maybe whoever left you- Oh, it's got a

35:10

name? I didn't know it had a name. I was so busy avoiding

35:13

it. Well, maybe whoever left you was trying

35:15

to distract Kevin from

35:18

you.

35:19

Well, I hope I can meet whoever left me one

35:21

day so I can kill them with my own.

35:24

And he looks at his hands and he goes, Oh, hand!

35:27

Look,

35:27

look, look, look, look. We can't solve all

35:29

of our family histories right now. If we

35:31

could, we'd all be much healthier and loved.

35:33

But we can't. We've got a problem at hand.

35:36

Whoever abandoned you, below,

35:39

you're raising your hand. Gang, gang. I

35:41

think this falls under like, no more fucking around

35:43

rules, right? Yeah.

35:48

Oh, right. Peebus, it was us. What

35:50

do you mean it was you? That's not what no more

35:52

fucking around means! I would gotta get to the point.

35:54

What do you mean it was you? I was a different

35:57

man then. I was a skeleton and

35:59

I didn't care if-

35:59

you were there or not. I was also left in

36:02

the woods as a baby. He cocks his gun

36:04

and he aims it at all of you. He goes, prepare to die.

36:07

If you really are the family that abandoned

36:09

me, death is the kindest

36:11

thing I could do for any of you.

36:14

You don't deserve to live with that guilt. I'm

36:16

sure the guilt of leaving a baby alone

36:18

in the woods has haunted your every

36:21

step, your every waking hours.

36:23

You wonder why did I do it? I'm sure I've

36:26

been a ghost to you. I've been a specter

36:28

haunting you. Well, it's time to come collecting. And

36:30

he cocks his gun hand and he aims

36:32

it at...

36:35

Belo. He aims

36:37

the gun hand at you and he says, he

36:40

flame and he fires the gun at

36:42

you, Belo. Albie shouts no

36:43

and she jumps to knock Belo down

36:46

to the ground. stir fry yells

36:48

no and jumps to knock

36:51

Belo down to the ground. So

36:53

you both in trying to knock Belo

36:55

from different angles. You just like pinned

36:58

Belo right in the middle, making him a sitting

37:00

target. And so now he rolls with advantage.

37:03

Belo, what's your

37:05

AC? Great question Branson.

37:08

Freddie jumps into Cordelia's arms

37:10

and says, no. Branson,

37:14

Belo's AC is 13. Your

37:17

AC is 13? I

37:19

got a 13. So he fires at

37:21

you, Belo, and he misses.

37:23

And Cordelia goes, no.

37:26

When she realizes it misses and then

37:28

sort of like gets involved. Here's

37:33

the thing though, it misses Belo, but there are two

37:36

friends of Belo standing directly next to him.

37:41

Albie,

37:42

it hits you. He

37:45

hits you four, hits you for 10

37:48

damage. Oh, hits

37:50

you right in the chest.

37:53

Albie falls to the ground and she starts

37:55

rolling around trying to smother the flames.

37:58

Luckily Albie, that was ex-

37:59

you're supposed to do when you're on fire.

38:02

You stopped, you dropped, and yes, you rolled.

38:04

So you do put the flames out, but you

38:06

have taken 10 burning

38:09

damage right to the chest. He cocks his

38:11

gun again, and he aims it at, he

38:14

aims it now at Cordelia, the biggest target. He

38:16

doesn't wanna miss again, and he's gonna take, he's gonna fire it at

38:19

Cordelia and say, prepare to die.

38:21

Cordelia, what's your AC? He

38:23

misses you, and instead he hits the

38:25

bones. Oh no!

38:27

Oh shit! DeBonesby,

38:31

he does seven damage to you. Oof!

38:36

Orange flame moves across you, and it

38:39

burns, it feels terrible. Unfortunately,

38:43

DeBonesby, you're held in arms right now. Cordelia,

38:45

you're gonna take half of that damage because you're holding

38:48

a burning person, which traditionally is one of the best ways

38:50

to catch on fire. Yeah. Do

38:53

either of you stop, drop, and roll? Frederick, you don't have the option

38:55

because you're being held. Cordelia, what do

38:57

you do?

38:58

Yeah, I stop, drop, and

39:00

roll, and Frederick's

39:03

still in my arms as I'm rolling.

39:06

Okay, great, so you stop, you drop, you both

39:08

roll. The flames are put out, and he cocks

39:10

it again, and he says, you people are

39:12

animals.

39:13

Oh, that's not true, the animals are my friends, they

39:16

raised me. I wish you were animals,

39:18

the animals were parents to me, you were nothing. Bello's

39:20

gonna pick him up.

39:23

No, no, come on, don't do that, oh, come

39:25

on, you, fuck you! But he's also,

39:27

you picked him up, how do you pick him up?

39:29

I pick him up like I scoop

39:32

up under his armpits and

39:35

hold him up. Yeah,

39:38

yeah. So that he can't really

39:41

aim at me, his arm is kind of like out.

39:43

He's like kicking at you, and he's just

39:45

like firing off into the air. There's

39:47

a robin that only Albie can

39:49

notice flying up in the air, and he kicks it, and it explodes

39:52

into flames, and you can hear the

39:54

birds' last words of, I said

39:57

I had to find a safer way to get high, this isn't

39:59

what I meant.

39:59

I'll be covers her eyes more

40:02

fully you see the Robin's spirit

40:04

go up to heaven because I'm the first thing to go to happen

40:06

in this story Pee-pus

40:09

we're sorry

40:11

Sorry is not gonna cut it you

40:13

left me alone in the woods for months, which

40:15

is decades to be you piece of shit

40:18

Do you know what it's been like what

40:20

I've been through he lifts his eye

40:23

patch and you see a?

40:25

Normal eye, but there's a scar over it.

40:28

I got a scar on this eye that I'm ashamed

40:30

of I'm sorry peepers I'm

40:33

not I'm not sorry peepers

40:35

Finally somebody at least speaks to me honestly

40:38

of course you're not sorry you probably came here to

40:40

finish off the job Absolutely

40:42

not

40:43

stir-fry marches forward He's

40:46

trying to kick you I he stir-fry

40:49

jumps over This

40:52

is a tough world out there the places

40:54

we've been that have knocked your socks

40:56

off But know who socks they would have

40:58

knocked off you now You

41:01

needed to be strong you needed

41:03

to be fearless You need to be the best

41:06

at what you could do and we were not the teachers

41:08

for that, but the woods were As

41:11

you followed us you would have surely died

41:13

a baby in a gelatinous

41:15

cube

41:16

I think not a baby

41:18

surrounded by Farmland

41:21

wood creatures trying to make a big deal I

41:23

think not a baby in a city

41:26

that relies on rules I think not you

41:28

needed a teacher and it was not us the

41:31

teacher was these woods Don't

41:33

you see my boy? We were too young to Inexperienced

41:36

too weak to give you the support you need

41:38

but look at you now. You don't need anyone You

41:41

just have your goddamn eyes

41:44

your goddamn hands

41:46

and your goddamn cannon

41:49

A cannon never could have given to you So

41:52

I'm happy we left you behind There's

41:54

now we've met a true friend

41:57

a warrior a companion a son

42:00

I'm going to make a

42:02

wisdom saving

42:07

throw. OK, you got to beat

42:11

me. I got a critical fail. Times 12.

42:16

What does that mean?

42:20

One times 12 is 12. What an

42:24

annoying way to say I got it. I gave you one.

42:26

I gave you advantage.

42:30

This is what you do to me. It's

42:33

incredible that you can say such good things and

42:35

such bad things. Yeah,

42:37

I mean, everyone's got a bit of love and

42:40

a little bit of hate inside of them. Heaven and

42:42

hell. Anyway, he got a critical fail.

42:44

Your speech. It moves him. Bello,

42:47

you feel him in his arms as he goes slack.

42:50

You're right. You're right.

42:53

By doing this to me, by

42:56

believing me alone, by

42:58

making me undergo a boy named Sue style

43:01

adolescence, you've turned me into

43:03

a cynical badass who doesn't take shit

43:05

from anybody, who's learned to rely

43:08

on himself, who's the best at what he does,

43:10

but what he does. It ain't nice.

43:12

I'm a survivor. And

43:15

that's because of you guys.

43:17

Yeah, this is your side

43:19

of the mountain. That sucks

43:22

so bad. I hate that, but I do believe

43:24

it. Fuck. Oh, I was so mad. What do I do

43:26

with all this anger?

43:27

The other like child like character. What

43:29

do you mean other

43:32

child like character? You should meet if you don't have this

43:34

to multiple kids. No, no, no, no, no, we didn't

43:36

have the bandwidth to raise anyone. Remember I just

43:38

said we didn't have the bandwidth to raise

43:40

anyone. What are you guys and from in

43:42

the woods you hear a voice saying,

43:45

Hey guys, this may have been followed. You guys need any help?

43:47

It seems like there's a bunch of blue guys that I saw some fire.

43:49

Do you even take care of anything? I'm about I'm

43:51

about 50 yards away. I could enter

43:53

into the light of sight. What do you

43:55

want? Flip cup. We'll

43:57

talk tomorrow. Okay.

44:00

I'm gonna go back to eating this man. His name is Greg

44:02

Proops. Oh no. He's

44:05

still alive. I started at the middle. I

44:09

guess finish. That's

44:12

a nicer thing. I think at this point, that's the kindness.

44:15

Cord, maybe you could

44:17

share something because you had

44:20

similar circumstances to Beepus.

44:22

Oh yeah, yeah. So I

44:24

was also left in

44:26

the woods, but that's just how Sasquatch's do

44:28

it. He looks around and he says,

44:30

put me on the ground. I'm not, oh.

44:34

I'm talking to the other one. To the person holding you.

44:36

Just because you talked to me last. I'm talking to Bella right now.

44:39

You put me on the ground. Let's walk and talk. Do you wanna

44:41

ride on my shoulders? No, I

44:43

don't wanna ride on your shoulders. Yes, I

44:45

want to. I wanna play catch with all

44:47

of you guys, but no. We could make it for the last time.

44:50

No, not anymore. I'm a hardened

44:53

badass. That's the man you raised

44:55

by not raising me. You missed it. You

44:57

missed your shot to play catch with me. I

45:00

respect you so much. I'll put you down.

45:02

Thank you so much. All

45:05

right, let's go. And he's gonna lead you through the woods. He goes,

45:07

let's walk and talk. I know a

45:09

way in. This

45:13

was the whole point of me approaching you

45:15

guys in the first place. We follow.

45:18

All right, so as he's leading you through the

45:20

woods and he's like, yeah, what did you have to say? What

45:22

did you grow up like this? Yeah, I mean,

45:25

you know, I'm stir-fry said it already,

45:27

but it is a true adventure

45:30

and it's a learning experience to be out there on

45:32

your own and discovering who

45:34

you are in the vastness

45:36

of the world only to discover who

45:38

you are in the society of the

45:40

world later. You get to come first.

45:44

You think that was a good way to be raised? I

45:46

wasn't being raised. No,

45:48

but like, so you think, so you obviously, you have no

45:50

hard feelings to your parents then, I guess. Why?

45:53

You don't wanna kill your parents? You have like a lot

45:55

of like respected admiration for your parents?

45:57

I actually just met my dad and I think he's...

46:00

Great. I've never met my mom. I don't think I'm

46:02

going to. And

46:04

that doesn't eat you up? It doesn't.

46:06

I don't know. It made me a bit. Why aren't you

46:08

a bitter hard ass like I am? I'm a bitter hard.

46:11

God, I tell you, I really don't know. But. Wow.

46:14

Maybe I was always going to be a bitter hard ass.

46:17

You know, I have a contrast. I

46:20

was raised on a bed

46:22

of pillows for my entire life. And

46:25

I had a daddy who was there way

46:27

too much. And.

46:31

I killed him because I hated him. That's

46:34

what I was about to do to you. But I had the opposite

46:36

thing. Wow.

46:40

I guess families really are complicated. Yeah,

46:42

you're better off. I guess there's

46:44

no such thing as a traditional family,

46:46

is there? Hey, Peepees.

46:50

I'm Peepees. Catch. Stiffer

46:53

takes out one of his eyes and tosses it to

46:55

him. He shoots a fireball at

46:57

it? He

47:00

hits the eyeball, but it just it's a glancing

47:02

blow. Just you get really dry

47:04

eyes. Where is Ben Stein when

47:06

you need him?

47:08

And so the the pressure

47:10

of the fire hits the pushes

47:13

the eyeball back, which is if I catches in his

47:15

right hands. Hey, he

47:18

looks back at you with murder in his eyes. They said,

47:20

I said, you missed your shot. Don't you

47:22

dare try to condescend to me. I like

47:24

you because you shot me straight. Don't ever,

47:26

ever. Try to make up

47:28

for a lost time with me again. By the

47:31

end of this episode, we will not respect

47:33

each other as equals. Mark my words.

47:35

All right.

47:36

Hey, fuck you, pal. Catches

47:39

catch no matter what. No matter what time, whatever

47:41

second senses catches a gentleman's

47:43

game and ladies

47:45

pleasure. Catch. I don't have time to see where this

47:47

riff is going.

47:49

I'll be I'll be kind

47:51

of just like hobbles

47:53

over to bellow. And says,

47:56

babe, I got singed. Can

47:58

you help? I got you. I

48:01

like that they've become a babe couple. That

48:05

really snuck up on me. That's right. I don't know.

48:09

Bellows going to cast Cure Wounds and a

48:11

healing green light emerges from

48:13

his beautiful hands.

48:16

The

48:18

wave of green energy, green healing energy

48:20

washes over the burned bits of

48:22

his babe for a regained

48:26

nine hit points.

48:27

Oh, nice. Yeah, it feels like

48:29

when you like brush your teeth and then use

48:32

like mouthwash, like that really super

48:35

fresh

48:36

feeling. Albie feels that in the burns

48:38

on her chest and

48:40

she can breathe again.

48:44

Freddie, still

48:46

in Cordelia's arms, looks

48:49

up to her and says, we got

48:51

to get off the babe to do that for us,

48:53

huh? And then he starts licking his burned

48:55

wound. Oh, my God.

49:00

Hey, Peebus. Are

49:04

you hooked up with the underground?

49:08

I don't hook up with anybody. Except

49:11

sexually. So

49:13

yes or no. Yes

49:16

or no. Oh, sorry, I got

49:18

distracted thinking about how I'm sexually

49:21

active, even though the last time you knew me, I was

49:23

a baby. Happens

49:26

to everyone. And how you didn't

49:28

age in the meantime, but I've been rapidly

49:30

aging and I've become sexually active, unless

49:32

I'm lying. But you'll never know.

49:35

Why would you lie? Never know. Why

49:38

would you lie? I'm not knowing. Why

49:40

would I lie? What, to puff myself up

49:42

and make myself seem more important? Or

49:44

maybe I have, but I've just been around animals

49:46

my whole life, so you don't want to fucking hear about it. Okay,

49:49

Peebus,

49:49

are you familiar with the underground resistance?

49:53

Oh yeah, why didn't you just ask that? I don't know.

49:55

I was kind of like, I don't know, I thought

49:58

I was using your lingo. Do you know? Is

50:00

there a member of the Underground 8 Resistance named

50:03

Jerry Mentelgin? Jerry?

50:06

Yeah, he's sort of an old war buddy of mine.

50:10

Yeah, I think I know the name, but

50:12

hold on. I think there's

50:14

some bad entrances here, some entrances

50:16

that worked and then some that don't anymore. Hold

50:18

on, I have to check. Yeah. Let me make a nature roll.

50:23

He brings you to a large stump.

50:26

He makes a nature roll.

50:28

It succeeds. He knocks on the side

50:31

of the stump. He goes, oh, just like I thought. And

50:33

hold on. But it's a huge ear to

50:35

the side of the stump. He goes, all right, this is the one.

50:38

He's going to knock on the stump three

50:40

times. He pauses.

50:42

He knocks on it three more times. He pauses

50:45

and knocks on it once the top of the stump opens

50:47

up. In here, this

50:49

will bring you to the sewers.

50:51

That was a good knock. Are you coming

50:53

with us? Yeah. Of course

50:55

I am. Okay, great. We're

50:58

family, aren't we? I

51:00

guess we are. So

51:03

you don't even think of me as family. I just

51:05

didn't kill you guys, which I could have done by the

51:07

way. I didn't want to pose that on you. Well,

51:11

that was decent. Here's the thing. You

51:13

sort of became a baby before our eyes.

51:16

It's not like, you know. What

51:18

do you mean? Well,

51:20

you sort of made a sacrifice. I

51:22

don't remember being a baby due to being

51:24

a baby. I don't have any of these memories. You

51:27

guys are just colors and shapes to me.

51:29

You not anymore. I guess now that

51:31

is still true, but they're way more organized. I

51:33

just figured because you knew about barfist,

51:35

you knew more of your like personal history. No,

51:39

I just knew that. Shut

51:41

up. That's how I knew barfist. Shut

51:44

the fuck up is how I knew barfist. I don't

51:46

know. I just, I just remembered that. I was able to

51:48

remember my father's name. Yeah, because you actually.

51:51

I know I was,

51:52

I was once a poopist. Yes, you were.

51:54

As I said before, it's like a dream, a

51:56

distant dream. I can barely remember. And we,

51:58

and poopists, poopists.

51:59

wasn't our family, but Pupus was our ally.

52:03

So we're not even related? Well, what happened

52:05

was Pupus made a sacrifice and

52:08

that sacrifice against mother involved

52:11

him turning into you,

52:13

becoming a baby. The

52:16

ultimate sacrifice, the

52:19

ultimate sacrifice, going back and being

52:21

a baby and getting to be alive for much

52:24

longer than you were going to. Yeah.

52:26

Yeah. A sacrifice even greater than

52:28

dying on the cross. Wow.

52:33

He looks down and he has sort

52:35

of a private moment to himself that is still being broadcast

52:38

to all of you guys as he sort of performively,

52:40

he looks out as if he's like looking out a window

52:42

at the rain, even though it's not raining and he's outside.

52:46

I wonder if I still have that in me,

52:48

the ability to give up everything

52:50

and make a sacrifice greater than dying on the cross

52:52

for my friends. I don't know. Maybe

52:55

I'm too hard and embittered and cynical

52:57

these days. There's just no way to

52:59

know. Come on in and he hops in the stump.

53:01

I'll be up and after. Strif

53:04

right follows. We

53:07

as you all hop into the stump, you're

53:09

led down a

53:10

curling slide, an internal

53:12

slide. Oh, it's been cleaned and polished

53:14

and it's like metal, but it's not. It's wood. It's

53:17

hardwood, polished hardwood. And you slide

53:19

down this spiraling, this spiraling

53:23

little, it's like a water park slide and

53:25

it goes on for probably, is that

53:27

a hundred feet? Oh, wow. You really were at the top

53:30

of the hill and you emerge and

53:32

you land on to a match, a dingy

53:35

old mattress in a darkened

53:38

underground room. It smells like

53:40

standing water and stale

53:43

dreams that got fucked up by

53:45

a bad guy.

53:48

Some of this stuff I wrote in advance

53:50

and some of it's on the fly, but which

53:52

is which you'll never know.

53:56

There's a poster on the, it's like a cave

53:58

wall interior and there's a.

53:59

and there's like some tree roots hanging down. There's

54:02

dim torchlight. It's

54:05

not a very large room. It's probably 10 by 10.

54:10

And there's a poster on the sort of cave

54:12

wall of a wizard shooting a fireball and

54:14

it just says magic. One

54:17

of the most popular things in Cordelia. Oh, hell

54:19

yeah. And then there's a row of T-shirts,

54:22

each more appealing than the light. And

54:24

it's such affordable prices.

54:28

Okay, Albie's looking around. She's

54:30

trying to see like if she's spotting pathways.

54:34

Yes, there's a long dark tunnel that

54:36

is going to see. Most of you guys can see perfectly

54:38

down because you all have fucking dark vision.

54:41

So you can see down this tunnel and you see that up ahead,

54:43

probably about 100 feet, there's like a

54:45

wide fork in

54:47

the road of the tunnel. And

54:50

Pippus gets ahead of you and he stands at the entrance

54:52

to the tunnel. He says,

54:54

this is very important. If we get separated, you

54:57

need to remember this one rule above all

54:59

else. Okay. These tunnels,

55:01

they shift and they change. And

55:04

some of them have been taken over by

55:06

Mother. Some of them connect to the sewer.

55:08

Some of them are safe. Some of them are not. If

55:10

we get separated, remember this. If

55:14

it starts to smell good, you

55:16

are in imminent danger.

55:18

Mother runs a tight ship. She keeps

55:21

things clean and spic and span.

55:24

Every bottom wiped, that's Mother's. Catchphrase,

55:27

I would imagine. I don't know, we don't talk a lot.

55:30

But if it smells bad, you're on the right path. If

55:32

it smells good, maybe

55:34

you're in for a world of hurt. Smell of perfume,

55:37

you leave the room. Smell

55:39

of ill scent. Baby,

55:43

you've spent your last scent

55:45

to get home and there you are. We

55:48

can work,

55:48

Chubby. Maybe it's good that I wasn't raised

55:51

in your presence. All right. Come

55:54

with me if you want to live. And hey, try

55:56

to keep up, all right? Whoa! And

55:58

he takes a drag on the cigarette.

55:59

and he blows smoke in your face and he runs down, runs

56:03

down the tunnel, he takes a right. He

56:05

is not waiting for you guys. This is a man who was raised

56:08

on his own in the woods. He's not used to community.

56:10

He's not used to checking in with people.

56:12

Branson, does the magic poster

56:14

on the wall, does that imply that there's

56:16

people living? Does

56:19

it feel like a lived in space?

56:21

This feels like, I mean,

56:23

that's the only thing adorning this

56:25

tunnel, but it does feel a little like

56:27

people are down here and using

56:29

these entrances and exits. Okay, great. Nobody's

56:32

here right now, but there is a poster. And yes,

56:35

there is an implication with that

56:37

poster.

56:39

Stripry is following Pippus. Yeah,

56:42

we're on the move. You

56:45

walk by on the wall of

56:47

one of the tunnels. There's a graffiti

56:50

message, which is, it says, environmental

56:52

storytelling graffiti. Wow,

56:56

these details really tell story.

56:58

I'll be barely clocks it as she rushes past.

57:01

But she climbed the clock to the pair. She

57:04

kind of clocked it. Bello notices

57:06

taped to the wall. There are series

57:08

just in a line of journal entries.

57:13

Okay, so the first one, it says, day

57:16

one, mother has shown up, but nothing seems wrong

57:18

at all. Everything seems fine.

57:21

I predict a long life for the citizens

57:23

of the soaking valley. Sign,

57:26

signed Greg P. Yeah,

57:28

signed Greg P. Day 16,

57:30

things are not as they appear

57:32

here. Things are a little strange. The children,

57:35

they speak in such queer tones that there's

57:37

blue caps on everyone's heads and such placid

57:39

expressions. Oh, well, what's the worst

57:42

that could happen? And then there's like day, night,

57:44

it's signed Greg P. And there's like day 90. It's

57:46

like, no hope, all is lost.

57:49

No hope. Oh, the vault has

57:51

been compromised. Oh no,

57:53

there's deathstalkers walking the land. Oh,

57:56

it's fallout. Signed Greg P.

57:58

And

58:00

then you're on P. This is

58:06

heels.

58:17

Uh you're honest. He's doing left right to throw

58:19

up here

58:22

before too long, he leads sort

58:25

of natural tunnel. It's mole person

58:27

or of some sort like a

58:30

man who's a human. He leads you and he goes, All

58:32

right, we're switching now into the sewer system. Okay,

58:34

stay by me. Hey,

58:37

P. I have a question. I'm P. Left

58:39

all alone in the woods to die.

58:43

Uh huh. Um so

58:45

the good smelling

58:48

tunnels. Those are those are mother. They're like

58:51

her. Yeah, they've been claimed by mother. Are they do

58:53

they like,

58:56

are they part of her? I guess she grew

58:58

up out of the ground. She started taking people

59:01

over. She even took whole buildings over.

59:03

I guess I'm just wondering if you

59:05

like I don't know tried setting one of

59:07

her tunnels on fire or something and like

59:10

let it work its way back to the hub. We

59:13

did.

59:13

We did try setting one of the tech. That's a

59:15

very good idea that you're you know, we are

59:17

way ahead of you is the thing. So we did. We set one

59:19

of the no, it's not a thing. I'm just

59:22

letting you know. No, you're smart. This

59:24

is not a bird. This is not a bird. You are

59:26

smart. Oh, thank you. We just are also. Yeah, that's

59:29

all. That's literally I'm just I'm just defending the resistance

59:31

here and saying we're also smart. We did

59:33

try burning one of the tunnels and that created people

59:36

with flame powers. Mother started giving

59:38

birth to people with flame power. So just so

59:41

you know, we then put it out pretty quickly. But

59:43

there's

59:43

probably probably 50 to 60

59:46

people in this town and there's no way of knowing who among

59:48

them, but they have flame powers. Oh, wow.

59:51

And I harnessed one of them to make this

59:53

gun. Whoa. Nice

59:55

job. Yeah. Thank you. I'm technically

59:58

minded.

59:59

I mean, we're all technically

1:00:02

minded. Technically, we're

1:00:04

all minded of we are minds.

1:00:07

I have an affinity for technology. I

1:00:09

know. I was playing with

1:00:11

the interest and use of language, because

1:00:13

I think language is a sort of flexible. This

1:00:16

way. And he runs up ahead through

1:00:18

the like several inches of standing water as you're

1:00:20

running up ahead. He

1:00:23

turns a corner.

1:00:24

Ollie pinches her nose and goes for it. It

1:00:29

smells terrible down here. It smells like shit. Oh,

1:00:32

P.U. And not it smells

1:00:34

like shit and piss and

1:00:37

rotting carcasses. The dead are thrown

1:00:39

down here. What a disgusting town.

1:00:42

Do you think we're going to make it all the way

1:00:45

through to the other side? Like

1:00:47

wait and P.B. His turns and he wheels

1:00:49

around and says, where are you trying to go?

1:00:51

Are you trying to meet up with the resistance or are you just trying to cut

1:00:53

through the city? That wouldn't

1:00:56

surprise me. The kind of people who would

1:00:58

leave a baby alone to die in the woods.

1:01:00

They do seem like the kind of people who would leave

1:01:02

a whole town defenseless.

1:01:04

No, I thought we would meet up. But

1:01:06

then then I thought we would

1:01:08

probably just keep going through to the other side.

1:01:12

I think we gotta I mean, I think

1:01:15

we gotta meet up. Yeah, P.P.

1:01:18

He misunderstood. We thought we were going to help you and

1:01:20

then thought what would happen if we didn't help

1:01:22

you. That's so. That's

1:01:24

all we were thinking. You

1:01:27

people. You people

1:01:29

make me sick.

1:01:31

And yet I won't kill you because you're right. Your

1:01:34

sickness, your degeneracy. It

1:01:37

led to me being the good man that I am

1:01:39

today. I am a great man. I am P.P.

1:01:43

And I survived the woods all

1:01:45

alone. And as he shouts, you

1:01:47

hear footsteps coming from coming

1:01:49

from a tunnel not

1:01:52

far from here. It's not up ahead, but

1:01:54

it's off to the side. And somewhat you hear someone's

1:01:56

running towards you. You

1:01:58

guys shouldn't make so much noise. Um,

1:02:02

I'll be got her back she's

1:02:10

scanning to see if she long

1:02:15

tunnel and off off to the

1:02:20

side of the wall off to the side, probably about 30 ft to

1:02:22

your right isn't intersecting. There's like a then

1:02:27

you're going to see a large

1:02:32

figure running down the running

1:02:36

down the tunnel. Albie presses against the

1:02:39

tunnel up. She looks

1:02:41

like the letter M.

1:02:44

Strifre styles up next to

1:02:47

moved limbs and all to

1:02:49

look like the

1:02:51

leather. Hey. He's

1:02:54

a little bit closer and closer and people see he's making

1:02:57

the shush sign to you his

1:03:00

left arm. Bellow runs away

1:03:03

from the two of them and presses against the wall and

1:03:07

curves his body in a sea. Frederick backs up and then

1:03:11

run so hard at the wall. He splatters

1:03:13

his goblin goo up against it in the rough shape of

1:03:16

a G. The only way you can

1:03:17

do it. Actually, uh, Frederick, for

1:03:23

me? I got a four. You

1:03:25

got a

1:03:30

four. It's a

1:03:32

comic sans G. My

1:03:34

lot in life. A

1:03:36

crit fail is papyrus.

1:03:39

Thank God. I'd have to

1:03:42

quit this show. M a comic sans G blank

1:03:44

seat. Cordelia. What are

1:03:46

you going to do? It doesn't know what's

1:03:48

going on. So

1:03:49

she just backs up through the

1:03:51

wall. You're going to be like, Oh, Frederick.

1:03:53

Yay. Uh, the weirdest

1:03:56

bit attempted to look like

1:03:58

a fucked up marks

1:03:59

and he crouches behind you guys, forming

1:04:02

a sensible period. Nice.

1:04:05

It's just magic. It is a matter

1:04:07

of fact statement of the word magic. Thinking

1:04:09

quickly, Bello picks Pippus up and

1:04:11

then passes him over so Cordelia can hold

1:04:14

him over her head.

1:04:15

She does, she has no idea

1:04:18

why. And now it's interesting,

1:04:21

some of it's uppercase, some of it's lowercase. This

1:04:24

large figure turns the corner as

1:04:27

an enormous frog man

1:04:30

steps into the light. His

1:04:33

hair, usually neatly quaffed,

1:04:35

is a wretched mess. Looks

1:04:38

like it hasn't been combed in minutes. His

1:04:40

clothes, usually the stuff

1:04:43

of princes, are now the things

1:04:45

of

1:04:45

poppers. They're tattered. He hasn't

1:04:48

had a bath in a long time. He's been living in

1:04:50

the sores. He looks around, he says, huh,

1:04:53

the word magic.

1:04:56

And what's this? It's being spelled

1:04:58

out by people, people who I know. Look

1:05:01

who it is.

1:05:05

Scrum fabulous

1:05:06

at your service. I

1:05:08

thought I'd never see you people around

1:05:10

here ever again. Because you sold us

1:05:13

to witch hunters. I did,

1:05:15

I thought you were as good as dead. But

1:05:18

I see now that I was right to sell you to witch

1:05:20

hunters because I got my money and you got

1:05:22

to survive. Everyone's a winner, it's

1:05:24

the Scrum Fabulous Way. The word magic.