0:01

This is a HeadGum Podcast.

0:12

Well, well, well. Couldn't

0:14

stay away, could you? Had to

0:16

get your Rude Tales of Magic fix,

0:18

is that right? Hey, don't

0:21

worry. I'm not here to judge, man. In

0:23

fact, I'm cool.

0:24

Let me just open up my trench coat and

0:26

sell you a new episode of Rude Tales

0:29

of Magic. And don't worry, by the way,

0:31

don't worry. This isn't like a flasher thing.

0:34

My body is so desiccated that

0:36

this doesn't count as flashing. In

0:38

fact, I dare you to find

0:40

so much as the hint of

0:43

a genital on my horrible little

0:45

body.

0:51

Welcome back to Rude Tales of Magic. Everybody

0:53

buckled in? Let's get a head count. Bello.

0:56

Check. Albie. Check. Cordelia.

1:00

Check. Freddy. Check. Stirfry.

1:03

Oh my god.

1:05

Oh my god, I forgot. We

1:07

killed Stirfry. Stirfry

1:10

is canonically dead.

1:12

And the rest of you may be too if

1:14

you don't step on it. The fleshy

1:16

walls of the nest are collapsing all

1:19

around you. Radiant, cleansing,

1:21

Catholic flames spread out all

1:23

around you. It's chaos. What are you doing? Freddy

1:27

is still stumbling in

1:29

a pile of bodies all around him, trying

1:32

to get his way out of halfling

1:34

flesh that is now turning Catholic

1:36

all around him. Yes,

1:38

so what's happening is the heads, the

1:40

swollen, these blue

1:43

head growths on all of these tiny, these pipsis

1:45

and these strongs, they're exploding. They're

1:47

exploding all around you and they're looking at you with new

1:49

eyes. What the hell's going on here?

1:52

What

1:52

the hell? Hell? I can say hell. Their

1:56

connection to mother has been severed. She's

1:59

exploded. There is no mother

2:01

left. She is dissolved. It's goop, blue goop

2:04

everywhere. It is, I mean, we're taught, you guys

2:06

are covered in blue goop. It is not, it's

2:08

not burning, but it's goop. You

2:12

never want goop on you. We'll have some people want goop on

2:14

them, but you, well, I don't know. Actually, I don't know what

2:16

you guys are into, but I'm assuming you

2:18

don't want goop on you. I don't.

2:20

It's not goop for Albie. My fur!

2:23

Belo is looking for any sign of stir fry.

2:25

He knows that stir fry can, you

2:27

know, pop his body apart. He's assuming that

2:29

like stir fry, most of stir fry is still

2:31

intact somewhere. Yeah, sure.

2:34

Make a, make a, make an investigation

2:36

role looking for stir fry. That is

2:38

a nine? A nine? Nothing.

2:40

You get no, no sense of

2:42

stir fry at all. It's just,

2:45

it's got, there's blue goop. There seems to be nothing.

2:47

He seems to have completely, you did see as he was dissolving,

2:50

as he melted into mother. It

2:52

seems like he's gone. I mean, there are some

2:55

darker, like, ichor,

2:57

like in the goop of mother's

2:59

blue goo, which is all over you guys, but there

3:02

is no stir fry. Remembering

3:05

the last time they met mother, Belo

3:08

takes that in and then he starts looking for

3:10

an egg. Yes, yes.

3:12

Make a, make a perception roll. That's

3:15

an 18. An 18? Sitting

3:18

there caked in goo, you see just

3:20

a little crest of an egg

3:23

poking out of the goop. It's been covered in this goo. The

3:25

mother exploded and it's covered in

3:27

goo, but there is an egg in this

3:30

horrible nest of disgusting blue.

3:32

Or if you're into it, tantalizing

3:35

blue goo. Well,

3:39

to Belo, everything blue is kind of tantalizing, but

3:41

he's not focused on that right now. Instead, he's focused

3:43

on delicately grabbing that

3:46

egg.

3:46

Is that the eye? Cordelia

3:49

slams a coin down on it. Nothing

3:51

happens. Oh. Cordelia,

3:54

what are you doing? This is fragile. Is it

3:56

his eye? No, it's his, it's an egg.

3:59

Oh. Shit, okay.

4:01

Well, I guess I just thought we could I

4:03

could send him to the diner and we could meet him there or something

4:05

And as you guys are talking of Jerry mental

4:07

gen you see he's standing around he's looking at you

4:10

and he's looking at his hands And he says he's gone

4:14

He's gone stir fry gone.

4:16

I feel it The

4:19

king is dead. Oh my

4:21

god. Oh my god. I'm half

4:23

rat half man No

4:27

My father's in jail He

4:29

was your king. I know

4:31

well he was half my king enough. I could

4:33

feel it He's this has never happened

4:36

before No The the line

4:38

the lineage of the of the rat

4:40

king it spreads from whoever kills the rat

4:42

king They become the new rat king, but if the

4:44

rat king sacrifices himself,

4:46

I mean, that's a closed

4:49

loop with All

4:51

God we're free. We've been we're

4:54

free the chains of the chains

4:56

of of monarchy. They've been broken All

4:59

rats are now anarchists

5:00

No, wait, what does

5:02

that mean? Where did he go? He's not here.

5:04

Well, we're gonna have meetings. It's gonna be a lot

5:07

of meetings Where's

5:13

Where is he I'll

5:16

be I he's gone. What

5:18

do you mean? That

5:20

little holds up the egg just

5:22

like boopis. Oh Is

5:24

he in the hair No,

5:27

I think Well

5:30

in a way yes, but no something new

5:32

is in here debones

5:35

be finally clears himself

5:37

of the Of all

5:39

of the body parts around him and

5:42

is able to get his tiny frame so he can

5:44

see everything. Oh a

5:47

Mother egg, I'll bet stir-fry

5:49

knows exactly how to cook that up after off victory

5:52

over that terrible thing

5:54

No He's

5:56

gone he he threw himself into

5:58

mother Oh,

6:02

a, um, devious trap

6:04

door to find my chef.

6:06

A trap door to

6:08

where? Well then, let's go find him on the

6:10

other side and get him to cook us up this egg. Extras

6:13

for me. Freddy's already starting to walk

6:15

out of the mother cavern. Is

6:18

there a way we can get him back?

6:20

No, I think it's okay. I think, I think... DeBosby's

6:23

right. I think he's probably in hell, right? So like,

6:26

now it's our job. We gotta get there.

6:27

Well that's a lot of judgement to put on our friend.

6:30

Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Did you

6:32

say, went to hell?

6:34

That's why I thought that's what you said. No, no,

6:36

no. I mean like, no, he can't... He didn't. What?

6:38

No. Fred. Fred. Stir-fry's gone.

6:41

Jerry Mendelgin walks up to Freddy, puts a

6:43

hand on his shoulder. He's... He's gone.

6:46

The king is dead. But he...

6:49

But he...

6:52

He said he was going to make me a carbonara.

6:55

Hahahaha! You're

6:59

gonna have to make yourself carbonara. I...

7:02

No, I have a chef for that. No, you... You don't

7:05

anymore. I

7:08

have... I have a friend who will cook

7:11

me carbonara. No.

7:15

You got other friends. It's okay. It's

7:17

okay. We've all been where you're

7:20

standing before. It's hard. I

7:23

don't... No,

7:25

I don't like... I don't like this feeling.

7:27

I've never had this

7:28

feeling. This

7:31

is... This is filthy goblin feeling.

7:34

No, I don't... I

7:37

want off. I want off the ride. Uh,

7:40

Cordelia walks up to the bones fee. It's

7:44

okay. We're gonna see him again. It's

7:47

just... You're just feeling a little sadness. Sadness?

7:54

I don't like sadness. I like horny

7:56

and sexy. It

8:00

is fine. And

8:02

drunk? I

8:05

don't like sadness. Yeah. Branson,

8:11

is Stale around? Yeah, Stale is

8:13

still tied up, but he's being carried

8:16

a swarm. There are still, there's like a hundred

8:18

pipsies and a hundred strongs in

8:20

here. All of their heads have exploded.

8:23

Many of the strongs are working to pad

8:25

out these cleansing Catholic flames. Right

8:28

now, some of them have burnt up, unfortunately.

8:30

I don't know what to tell you. This is a sad moment.

8:33

Look, it's no good, but we got

8:35

some spares. And

8:38

they're carrying Stale

8:40

as Stale's. Careful. Stale,

8:43

Stale Pepsi, you've been here. You've

8:46

been here with Mother? I'm Stale Pepsi. Do

8:49

you know any way to bring our friend back? Buddy,

8:52

no. What's dead

8:54

is dead.

8:56

Wait, wait, wait. We, we, we saved Mother

8:58

so we could

9:01

send her to heaven. So

9:06

do we think that stir fry went to heaven? Albie.

9:11

No, I know this. No,

9:15

I'm serious, Cord. I mean, like- No, I'm

9:17

serious too. Did you meet him? Like,

9:19

I love the guy, but that's not

9:22

possible. I did meet him and I was so

9:24

horrible to him. Before

9:27

this happened, I was, I- Albie.

9:29

Yeah, you can't beat yourself up like that. Albie,

9:32

you cheering old man's broken

9:35

heart with your japes and jokes. There's

9:38

no way stir fry got to heaven.

9:41

I mean, I guess it's possible

9:43

that if he did go, that

9:46

they'd ask him to leave, right?

9:50

Yeah, they'd kindly ask him to

9:52

leave. And then he'd come back here. I-

9:55

Well, how will he know where to find us?

9:58

We were supposed to die together.

10:01

I can't believe he did this. I

10:05

think it's okay. Are

10:07

you mad at him? No

10:09

I'm just... I

10:12

didn't... I don't know what... This

10:14

is the last thing I expected.

10:17

It's okay to be mad at him if you're

10:19

mad at him. I'm a little mad at him. I

10:22

gotta figure out anarchy now. Oh...

10:26

You know how hard that is to do when you're not fourteen?

10:31

Jerry, you could be king. No, it's just there's

10:33

no king anymore. You

10:36

think... Oh, the power of that?

10:38

You think a guy like me could rush in? I'm not

10:40

even a full rat.

10:42

I'm a half man, half rat. I can't be king

10:44

of nothing.

10:46

I just feel like I made him think

10:48

he had to do this.

10:52

Well listen here, god damn it. If

10:54

stir fry's waiting for us then hell then what

10:56

are we waiting for? We've saved this dumbass

10:59

town from the dumbass blue heart. Let's

11:01

go get him! Yeah! And

11:04

we cut now! You're all... You're running

11:06

through the soaking mud... Oh, I'm sorry. No,

11:08

the soaking valley.

11:09

You see

11:11

as the denizens of the town wander about in

11:13

a strange daze, their exploded

11:16

blue head groves are just like dripping down

11:18

the sides of their head. They look at

11:20

you with the life returning to their eyes.

11:23

You're welcome. A worse man than you did

11:25

this. What? What?

11:28

What happened? What happened here? What's

11:31

going on? We killed mother. Well, but mother

11:33

was... Oh dear. What? What?

11:36

Oh, of course. We saved the whole town. I

11:39

instantly can infer now what's happened. Of course.

11:41

Heroes. Yes. Three

11:43

cheers for the heroes. Hip hip hooray.

11:45

No, no. We don't deserve that.

11:47

We don't deserve... We're passing

11:50

through. All

11:52

we want are any existing warrants lifted and

11:55

if you referred any of those warrants to the witch hunters,

11:57

we'd like those expunged as well.

11:59

Of course. You have allies now in the soaking

12:02

valley. If the witch hunters come through here,

12:04

we'll tell them we've never seen you. Thank you.

12:06

Oh, thanks. Thank you. Thank you. We'll

12:09

lie to the witch hunters for you. Okay.

12:11

Great. I've never lied in me life. I'm

12:14

okay with it though. It's easy. Every time

12:16

I cheat on my wife, I tell her. Oh.

12:19

Ew. How does she take that? Poorly. Oh.

12:23

I ought not cheat on my wife. Is

12:26

your wife also, um, Irish? Irish?

12:29

Yeah. Ah, yes. There's

12:31

an Ireland and Cordelia and we both hail from

12:33

it. Okay. We have to go. But

12:36

we didn't meet there. We met elsewhere. Okay.

12:38

Well, my... Maybe you met in Rome.

12:42

Also exists here. I think also Ukraine.

12:45

I think I also said Ukraine exists, but

12:47

we don't talk about that anymore.

12:49

Okay. Well, thanks for

12:51

taking my mind off stuff for a second there. Have a good

12:53

one. Anything I could do to help.

12:58

Um, Belo is looking around for a scrum.

13:01

Uh, yeah, you don't see him.

13:03

There is a lot of commotion as people are opening

13:05

their doors. Uh, it's the beginning of the beauty

13:07

and the beast here. People are just like opening windows

13:10

and looking out and say, Bonjour?

13:13

Question mark though. This time, uh, they don't

13:15

know what's going on. Really? They're

13:17

shocked. Everyone's got just covered in this blue

13:19

goo and this blue ooze. People

13:22

are turning. They're talking to each other. Why look, that must

13:24

be... Oh, of course. That's the people who came

13:26

through here before. They, of course, they must

13:28

have the seeds of mother. They must have

13:30

left those here

13:31

and they were in the jail cell

13:33

and then they were left or, you know, their stuff

13:35

was confiscated by the peacekeepers. The peacekeepers

13:38

probably accidentally planted the seeds and that

13:40

led to this big mother. I see that that's

13:42

what happened. Bonjour. And if

13:44

there was any confusion... Okay, oh, bonjour, bonjour. I

13:50

refuse to take responsibility for

13:53

anything confiscated of a bad person. And

13:55

in his honor, I say to you,

13:58

bonjour, mi amor. Oh, Freddy.

14:02

They take their hats off and they hold them to their...

14:04

And a tiny, gloppy

14:06

tear. Diarrhea's

14:10

out of Frederick de Bonseby's tear

14:12

duct. This is what it sounds like when

14:14

goblins cry. Like a long

14:16

fart. Yeah.

14:19

Bello puts a hand on de Bonseby's

14:21

shoulder and says, Kaiser

14:23

Permanente. What

14:28

if stir-fry's most famous and beloved catch

14:30

phrases? I honestly

14:32

don't know what we're doing if it's Tim's. What

14:34

stir-fry's. That

14:37

one's Branson's. Kaiser Permanente. That

14:40

was... I made that up for him. Yeah.

14:42

Oh, good. Oh, right, right, right,

14:44

right. And he hated it. Kaiser

14:49

Transitori. Let's

14:52

go. Albie

14:56

is walking beside Bello, kind of

14:59

clutching onto him.

15:02

You round a corner

15:04

and you find yourselves now surrounded

15:08

by a group of large, gnoll

15:10

sisters. Gnolls

15:12

of course are hyena people.

15:14

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

15:16

I remember a group of gnolls. Yeah,

15:19

are these familiar to us? Yes, it's

15:21

the Sodom sisters. You know, the

15:23

soldiers of Scrum Fabulous. Yes.

15:27

Ah. They surround you and they

15:29

walk menacingly towards you. Not

15:32

the time.

15:33

Out of our way, we have a mission. And

15:36

the lead one looks at you and says, not the time,

15:38

you have a mission. It is the time, we have

15:40

our own mission. We're supposed to find

15:42

you and bring you back to Scrum

15:45

Fabulous. I got a feeling you went back

15:47

on a deal you had with him. Oh.

15:50

We didn't have a deal with him.

15:51

And Albie,

15:53

as soon as you speak, one of the gnolls

15:56

looks at you and says, you. Yes. I

16:00

remember you. Yeah.

16:04

I remember you and she walks for yes,

16:06

you did. You did have a deal. But you,

16:09

what was your name? What's

16:11

your name? What's your name?

16:14

I asked you first. Fine. You don't have

16:16

to answer that, Albie. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. The

16:18

rules of Cordelia are you have to say your name when it's

16:21

asked. OK, it is

16:22

Albie, the cat's out of the bag. Thanks, babe.

16:24

Albie, say thank you.

16:27

Say the words. Thank you. For

16:30

what? Say them. Thank

16:33

you. She's the

16:35

one. I told you she's the one. Remember? And

16:38

the other they're nodding and

16:40

they walk forward and say, say it again.

16:42

Thank you. This

16:44

is the one. This is the one who thanked me. Oh,

16:48

yeah. Yeah, you. Yeah,

16:51

you said you were going to kill my parents. Yes.

16:54

And you thanked me. Or something. Yeah,

16:56

thank you. Genuinely.

16:58

It wasn't a transaction. No, I mean, but

17:00

thank you for. We've worked for Scrum

17:03

Fabulous our entire lives. We're used to everything

17:05

being a transaction. How do you

17:07

do that? I

17:11

how do I. Appreciate

17:13

you not killing my parents. Yeah.

17:16

Oh, it just sort of happened.

17:20

To me, she puts her spear down on

17:23

the ground. Um. All

17:25

of the other gnolls put their spears down on the ground. What's

17:29

up? You died. I

17:32

did. You died in the explosion.

17:37

Oh, yes. And

17:39

I'll be turns and gives the gives a thumbs

17:41

up to her friends. Yes, yes. Thank

17:43

you. Thank you.

17:45

Again and again. Thank you.

17:47

And she's like shaking hands with the Knoll sisters.

17:51

Thank you. Like they don't understand

17:53

what a handshake is. Thank you. Thank

17:56

you. Thank you. They're trying it out in their

17:58

met. Thank you.

17:59

T. Hank you.

18:03

One of them doesn't understand. They're seeing it. They're

18:06

seeing it spelled out in front of them and they don't understand.

18:10

Yeah, we really appreciate it.

18:14

Yeah, we died. We died in the explosion. The

18:17

one who made the deal definitely did. You

18:21

all died. So, yeah,

18:23

we all died. Go. You

18:26

only have a few minutes. Okay.

18:29

Hank you. Albie looks at Freddy. Oh,

18:34

I'm in my own thing right

18:36

now. Freddy

18:39

just keeps going. Hey,

18:40

wait up. All right, you guys

18:42

move out of town. You crest the hill. Remember

18:45

the soaking valley? The valley? There's a hill

18:47

to get in, hill to get out. It's always

18:49

easier to get in than it is

18:52

to get out. That's valleys for you,

18:54

baby. Oh, bada bing. So

18:57

everyone, you all pass your strength check

18:59

and you're able to crest the gentle hill

19:01

that leaves

19:03

the town. Oh, boy, I tell you, my neighborhood,

19:05

you got to make a strength roll sometimes. But

19:08

you crest the hill and

19:10

you leave the soaking

19:12

mother. No,

19:15

the soaking valley. Hey,

19:19

Albie, maybe we could stop

19:21

at your house and figure out what's

19:23

next.

19:24

Oh, I mean. We're

19:26

not or we could just go die. The last time

19:28

we took a baby to my house, it didn't

19:31

go so great. Well, hold

19:33

on. Should we go back to town? If

19:36

we're going to do what we're going to do, we should leave the egg

19:38

with someone we trust. But

19:41

hello. That

19:44

egg is the only hope we have for stir

19:47

fries. This is the action. Should

19:49

it not come with us to hell if he

19:52

perhaps is on the wrong side of it?

19:54

Wait, I thought you wanted to eat the egg. Whoa.

19:57

Well, he said he wanted carbonara. That was before

19:59

I undid it. understood that stuffed fries in

20:01

broo may be inside But

20:04

how do you kill an egg? There's

20:06

a lot of ways to kill it. Oh my

20:08

god. It's honestly hard. Oh, sorry. Was

20:10

I not supposed to leave with you guys?

20:13

You're

20:15

just quiet for a big

20:17

brat. Yeah, you're so quiet

20:19

I'm an introvert Jerry Jerry

20:22

you can you can come with us as long as you like you

20:24

like heads up though, dude We

20:26

do We do have to die

20:28

and go to hell soon you want so

20:31

like and so like I don't want you to have to do That

20:33

too, you know, I don't want to have to do

20:35

that. You don't you don't have to it

20:37

won't be rude

20:39

No, no Absolutely.

20:41

No, I don't want to make waves. You can

20:43

come with it. You can come hang out. I would feel

20:45

way Better if you weren't in

20:48

harm's way You're a very

20:50

polite young anarchist Thank

20:53

you so much And

20:55

that's not a compliment you need to

20:57

work on that if you're going to get it, right You're

21:00

right. Maybe I do need

21:02

to work on that Fuck

21:05

you. There it is. Yes. I'm

21:07

a rich man. Say it again. Fuck

21:09

you

21:11

Well done now get

21:13

out of my face I'm sad and preoccupied

21:18

All right, and he hobbles off into

21:21

the woods like Harry at the end of Harry in the endersons

21:23

We

21:26

don't love you anymore Wait, what

21:29

no, I was going with the understanding that I

21:31

was being sent away with love. I

21:33

love you We're low blow

21:35

from Cordelia right at the very end. She

21:38

does that sometimes

21:39

technically we never met.

21:40

Oh Yeah Any

21:45

walkers off Stirfry

21:50

loved him too As

21:53

they're walking Bella, you probably

21:55

noticed that Albie is really clutch

21:57

in ya. Yeah, and Bella has fashion

22:00

to sort of like a sort of sling

22:02

to carry this egg in and keep it warm near

22:04

his chest for incubation. And

22:07

as you walk down the road you see there's

22:10

overturned trees

22:11

up in front. It almost looks like a

22:15

small tornado maybe moved through

22:17

the woods. There's a lot of, Albie

22:20

you'd be very familiar with this part of the woods. You're not used

22:22

to the amount of sunlight you're getting right now. Be

22:24

careful everyone there could be other spinulators

22:26

nearby. Hmm.

22:29

I'm just remembering what we

22:32

ran into the last time we were here. Well

22:35

at least Kevin's probably long gone. It's been

22:37

a long time. Oh

22:40

sure, Kevin can make a terrible

22:42

land speed. Cordelia's

22:45

whipping around also looking, keeping

22:48

a sharp eye for any movement.

22:51

And as you do that, Cordelia, up

22:53

ahead of you, just a little ways off

22:55

the road you see a familiar

22:57

little cottage you've been to many a

22:59

time. I

23:02

know that cottage. Oh

23:04

yeah, I mean I do too. Albie

23:14

starts to tear up a little bit and

23:17

you see her just kind of surreptitiously trying

23:19

to like rub her, rub her eye

23:22

and just say like it's

23:24

probably, no one's there. It's

23:27

probably fine. It's

23:29

fine. It's fine. We're going. Albie

23:30

it looks so similar to

23:33

how it was. Not the last time you saw

23:35

it but the time before that. There's just like

23:37

there's a little light coming out of the windows.

23:39

There's a little bit of smoke coming out of the chimney.

23:41

There's smoke coming out of the chimney. Albie

23:47

like kind

23:50

of releases her grip on bellow

23:52

and without even thinking her hooves are

23:55

making their way towards the house.

23:57

But there shouldn't be anybody here.

24:01

My parents said they were going to stay with

24:03

my aunt.

24:06

My brothers and sisters should be with them.

24:09

I'll be wait and and tiny

24:11

little goblet goblin de Bonesby

24:14

runs up to her and says, You

24:16

may have a landlord's

24:19

west enemy, a squatter. Albie

24:24

Albie doesn't hear him instinctively

24:27

sides with the landlord. Albie

24:31

doesn't hear him. She's not even choosing

24:33

this. Her body

24:36

is taking her towards the house, her

24:38

house.

24:38

It's like you're experiencing deja vu.

24:41

You're just like moving. It's like you're moving through a memory.

24:43

You walk to this house so many times through

24:45

the woods. You walk right

24:48

up to it. You walk right up to the

24:50

front door.

24:51

And she pushes it in. It

24:53

opens.

24:55

Hello, I'm home. Cordelia

24:59

runs to follow. Hello.

25:04

Your voice echoes back to you.

25:09

She walks to

25:11

the kitchen where the wood fireplace

25:14

is to see if it

25:16

actually is live.

25:17

It is live.

25:20

Albie. I don't understand.

25:23

Hello. Hello.

25:27

Your voice is echo back to you. Bello

25:29

comes in. Anybody there? Your

25:32

voice echoes back to you.

25:33

I can get

25:36

a court order. Albie

25:39

runs upstairs to where her bedroom was

25:41

is. You run up the stairs.

25:44

You skip steps just like you used to. You

25:46

do the all fours run, just the kids instinctively

25:49

do moving up the stairs. You

25:52

move Pat, you see your

25:55

bedroom, you see the notches of your height go

25:57

up. They've been marked in pencil

25:59

along the stairs.

25:59

side of the, uh, it's your bedroom's

26:02

just as you left it.

26:04

Beatrix! Nobody.

26:10

She goes towards her parents room. Yeah,

26:13

the door's closed. She

26:15

knocks. There's

26:19

a long pause. Mom?

26:23

Dad? Yeah.

26:32

Albie... reaches

26:35

out her skeletal hand and pushes

26:38

the door open without turning the knob. It

26:42

creaks open. There's

26:45

no lights on in this room,

26:47

but the light from the outside,

26:49

hitting a strange silhouette, looks

26:52

familiar, but completely alien. It's

26:56

large and humanoid,

26:59

but oblong and misshapen. It

27:02

seems to pulsate. Casper?

27:07

It turns to face you. The

27:10

light catches an enormous eye,

27:13

stretched long and wide.

27:17

It's not anymore.

27:22

It is you though, right? It

27:26

is an illusion. I'm

27:31

really sorry. I'm

27:33

really sorry we let this happen

27:36

to you, Casper. I'm

27:38

not Casper. Well,

27:41

but you were. I'm

27:45

Casper. Casper?

27:48

Casper? Oh,

27:51

okay. I'm your brother.

27:54

Yeah, I know. Also, I'm not.

27:58

Isn't that weird? It's

28:01

really weird. Um... I

28:04

really missed you. I want to hug you.

28:08

You want to hug me? Don't.

28:10

Don't do it. I don't think

28:12

we can. Nope. Um...

28:20

Gosh, it's weird. It's really good to see you. Isn't it weird?

28:24

It's really weird. Are you okay? I'm

28:26

learning. I'm

28:28

learning.

28:30

You are? I'm smart

28:32

now. Why are you and

28:34

Mom and Dad through me, little weirdo? Because

28:37

I'm the man of the house. Okay.

28:41

I think I've heard that. Yeah,

28:43

yeah. Um...

28:47

I'm taking

28:49

care of it. You're doing

28:51

great. It looks so good. Are

28:54

you comfortable? Yeah.

28:58

Okay. Oh, I'm

29:00

really glad. Um... Sometimes

29:04

I throw up out of a weird hole. Oh,

29:07

okay. Yeah, yeah. Gross,

29:10

man. Alright.

29:13

Well, come on. It's gross. Yeah,

29:15

I mean, it's gross. I'm just catching

29:17

you up on what's going on in my life. Yeah.

29:23

Oh, Kasmin. I can just touch a

29:26

book and then the book is me. Really?

29:31

Wanna see? Yeah.

29:34

He lifts an enormous swollen

29:37

hand with 12 fingers up. It's

29:39

covered by an enormous makeshift leather

29:41

glove. He peels it

29:43

off of his skin. It was glued

29:46

to his skin. His pulsating flesh

29:48

stretches forward and from his fingers, smaller

29:51

fingers stretch out. Just like

29:53

a little bridge just moves out from

29:55

the tip of his index finger over towards

29:57

one of the books on the shelf.

29:59

worth one. You

30:03

should pick. Uh, you want me to

30:05

pick? That is a big one. Okay,

30:08

how about... Oh

30:13

my god, Mom and Dad have a book

30:15

on making love for seniors.

30:18

Do that one! Okay.

30:21

Okay, here

30:23

we go. Making

30:26

love the senior way. He

30:29

stretches out and his fingers move forward

30:31

and forward and they engulf the book. The

30:34

book is ripped inside out. You hear the

30:36

shredding of paper and pages as

30:39

it gets torn. You see the ink sucked

30:41

out of the page as his fingers darken

30:43

as they absorb the ink. It spreads

30:46

through the bridge of fingers. The book gets

30:48

smaller and smaller and smaller. There's nothing

30:50

left and the book disappears into his fingers

30:53

which retract back into the hand. The

30:55

hand swells and it glows

30:57

and the light catches it and the black

30:59

ink reflects off of his hand. The

31:02

ink drains from his hand.

31:04

You see it wash into his eyes. His eyes go

31:06

pure jet black briefly. Then

31:08

they return to normal. He puts the glove back

31:10

on his hand. He says... Communication

31:16

is key. Oh man! Not

31:19

everyone's into everything and

31:21

you'd be amazed what people can

31:24

get into. Even when you've owned them for

31:26

years.

31:27

Wow! You've

31:30

got to be game. He's

31:36

laughing and crying at the same time.

31:38

She's... She kind of like...

31:41

Her back just like finds the doorway

31:44

and she just sort of slides down and... Um...

31:50

She's... She's

31:53

like... She feels like the

31:55

fabric of reality is just shredding

31:57

in front of her. Um,

32:01

Casvin, I'm really... I

32:05

have to go now. Um... I

32:07

know. We're gonna... We're gonna try to... We're

32:10

gonna try to make it right, okay? We're gonna try

32:12

to fix everything. There is

32:14

no right. There is no fixing.

32:18

There's just moving forward. Do

32:22

you forgive me? For

32:25

what? I feel

32:27

like this- You're so dumb! I feel

32:29

like I forgive you. You're a dumb! You're

32:32

dumb! You're dumb! You're dumb as shit! You're

32:34

the stupidest one of us, and there's like... 18 of

32:38

us. I'm smart. I'm making

32:41

myself smarter. You're smart

32:43

because you're sucking off books, you weirdo.

32:46

I'm sucking off books that you're watching,

32:48

so who's weird?

32:51

You're like, your brother sucked a book off. Think

32:53

about that. You're- Oh,

32:58

you're so fucking nasty. I'm

33:00

teaching myself to be good. Okay.

33:05

We don't eat anything that can be afraid. What?

33:12

I change what I eat. Oh!

33:16

That's the first change I made. We can't eat

33:18

anything that is afraid. Ah,

33:22

you were able to change this whole thing?

33:26

I am this whole thing. I know,

33:28

but... I'm

33:30

really impressed. I'm- I'm

33:33

your brother, and I'm the baby

33:36

that killed your brother. I'm

33:40

sorry, but also I'm

33:43

fine. Yeah,

33:46

you really- you really seem fine.

33:50

Well, thank you for taking such good care of the

33:52

house. And don't go into

33:54

my room, okay? I already

33:56

did. Fuck you! Come on! Why?

34:00

It's my room still. I

34:02

know all of your crushes. I absorbed

34:04

your diary. Oh, you... Okay,

34:08

okay. Hearing Albie

34:10

scream, Belo runs up the stairs. Oh

34:13

gosh. Is everything okay? Oh God. What's

34:18

that? Belo, you see this

34:20

horrible shape silhouetted

34:22

in the darkness. The light catches

34:24

it. You can't make out any features except the large,

34:26

reflective glowing eye. It shrieks.

34:29

Albie,

34:31

you need a hand? Casper, this is

34:34

my boyfriend. Of

34:38

course. Of course I called

34:40

it. What do you mean of course?

34:43

I knew. Okay.

34:45

You thought you were so

34:47

slick. I knew

34:49

I wasn't. Okay,

34:52

it seems like you're fine. Belo

34:55

goes back down the stairs. Well,

34:58

Prince Valiant over here. Well,

35:03

I don't know if I'm going to see you again. Where

35:06

you going? I'm

35:09

going to hell. I'm going to Forbidden Zone. I'm

35:12

going to hell. Do

35:15

you go back ever? No.

35:17

I'm free. You

35:20

are? I'm free and I'm changing every

35:22

day. Okay.

35:28

Well, maybe... You

35:30

know, that's the first time I thought maybe things

35:33

could work out okay.

35:38

Um... Well,

35:43

I love you. I

35:45

love you. And

35:48

um... Keep

35:51

it real, I guess.

35:56

I'm ready. Okay. He

35:59

looks at you. Strangely, his expression changes

36:01

a little. He sees your hand, the

36:04

skeleton hand. He

36:07

reaches out for your skeleton hand. He

36:11

takes the glove off and reaches out. Albi

36:16

reaches her skeletal hand towards

36:18

Casperin. One of the fingers

36:20

extends again, the middle finger,

36:23

it just extends. It's just smaller and smaller

36:25

fingers extend out from the middle finger all the way

36:27

across the room. It reaches

36:29

out, it's less than an inch away from your hand.

36:33

Albi takes one step forward

36:36

with her hand extended. The

36:40

fingers wrap around the bones. Nothing

36:44

happens. Albi

36:49

without a word runs

36:52

out the door, down the stairs and

36:54

out of the house. Albi

36:59

there's a carrot in here. The

37:05

whole group's gathered around Cordelia's like holding

37:07

a carrot.

37:09

Albi loves carrots. It's

37:11

a big one. She's outside,

37:14

she's outside. She's in her old

37:16

garden and the

37:19

tears are just streaming down her face. She's

37:21

not even like,

37:23

she doesn't even feel herself crying. She's

37:26

just glassy eyed sitting

37:30

and saying, I'm ready. Okay,

37:33

I'm ready. Okay.

37:36

Dabonsby has been sitting

37:39

outside there as well muttering to himself. No

37:42

one has ever been as sad as I am

37:44

right now. Bella

37:47

and Cordelia are looking at a carrot. Do

37:49

you think you could put this in a

37:51

soup? I bet. Hey,

37:54

do you crave this? Because sometimes

37:56

you're a horse?

37:59

No.

37:59

Hehehehehe!

38:15

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welcome back to rude tales of magic

44:31

it's been just enough time hey

44:35

Albie yeah how

44:39

are you doing I'm

44:41

really good yeah

44:45

I'm really good I feel really

44:47

ready to go so if

44:50

you guys

44:52

are done with that carrot I think we could probably pack

44:54

it up and head to hell

44:58

are you hungry we could have it now no

45:00

do we we do you want us to

45:02

drop it did you say something about the carrot

45:04

I you know she said wrap it up she said wrap

45:07

it up I don't have it I didn't get anything

45:09

for wrapping it core just leave it I

45:11

think it's for um I think it's for

45:13

cast been oh

45:15

Cordelia throws

45:18

it back at the house it's

45:20

the side of the house she

45:22

turns back and gives a big thumbs up

45:25

and cast been is

45:28

okay yeah

45:31

he's doing great he's learning he

45:34

knows all about sex for seniors so he's

45:36

good he's

45:38

really good Bello Bello

45:40

who Bello clocks that but

45:42

chooses not to prize Cordelia is

45:44

like desperately trying to make eye

45:46

contact with Bello she

45:49

makes it that's the first time they've looked

45:51

at each other beautiful

45:52

they

45:54

fall in love We're

46:00

nearly a season for the first time. Oh

46:02

yeah. What's been there all along? Oh, I get it. Yeah. So

46:08

are you okay? Yeah,

46:10

I keep saying like she's your right

46:13

to ask because she is like there are tears

46:15

streaming from her eyes ceaselessly.

46:18

But she's not like vocally sobbing.

46:21

I'm fine. Yes, for sure.

46:24

It was really good to see my brother

46:26

and Kevin together.

46:30

In my parents bedroom

46:31

and you know

46:33

what he said is that there

46:36

is no fixing. There

46:39

is just moving forward. So I feel

46:41

like that's what I want to do is move forward.

46:45

Okay. And then she starts to walk

46:47

away.

46:48

Cordelia makes more

46:50

eyes at Belo. Belo

46:53

makes more eyes at Cordelia. And

46:56

then together

46:59

they walk forward and stop Albie

47:01

and give her a hug.

47:03

Yeah, Albie just sort of melts into

47:06

their hug.

47:08

And from a freshly

47:11

tilled patch of dirt in the

47:13

Dawn household garden, you

47:17

hear a face down Freddy

47:20

crying into the soil. He

47:30

pulls his face out, coated in

47:33

salty tear mud. He

47:36

says, are we going now?

47:39

Cordelia double pats Belo on his

47:42

huge arm and then

47:45

walks back to the bones and

47:48

offers up. Eppie

47:52

and she sort of like Koala

47:55

bears him on her front. Freddy

47:57

whispers into Cordelia's ear. Do

48:00

you all feel like this regularly?

48:03

Or is it goblin? Oh,

48:07

yeah. Sometimes.

48:11

No. You don't need

48:13

to judge your emotional responses. Yes,

48:17

I can. They just happen. No,

48:19

good things are good and bad things are

48:22

bad. I put them on

48:24

a scale, and I deem this one to be unnecessary.

48:27

Well, I don't like it. I

48:30

can't speak to the utility, but you

48:32

just have to tolerate it. I

48:34

don't have to tolerate anything. I was

48:37

once a great and powerful

48:40

mage of the old and the

48:42

new, the unseen and the unforgotten.

48:45

And we did not know sad.

48:50

And as as the Boseby is saying this, he's

48:53

like he's clutching your fur with

48:55

one hand. It's very sweet,

48:57

and it's like a little baby that's

48:59

learned how to grip fingers. But

49:01

in the other hand, the

49:04

other

49:04

hand is in a jar full

49:08

of pig things and eggs.

49:12

And within it rattles a terrible power,

49:15

barely being held back.

49:17

The bones, but

49:19

you're hearing such horrible whispers in

49:21

your ear, whispers of a past

49:23

that was once within your

49:25

reach, you know, a future that was very

49:28

recently within your grasp of

49:30

cosmic powers of the ability to see

49:33

something you didn't like and rewrite it instantly. The

49:36

ability to manipulate time and space as

49:38

you saw fit to live as a God

49:40

on this

49:40

earth. You hear these promises being

49:42

whispered and that you're so you're still so

49:44

close. And it's it's it's not too late. Can you

49:46

make a wisdom saving throw? Oh,

49:49

double. Hold

49:52

on. Oh, and

49:54

eight and eight is not going

49:56

to cut it. It gets louder and louder.

49:59

in your ear of

50:02

a time before, a time before. Come with

50:04

me, DeBonesby, it's not too late. It's you and me.

50:07

You are my vessel, my vessel in this

50:09

realm. It's you and me, DeBonesby. I

50:12

can make you as you once were. I can make you better

50:14

than you ever were.

50:16

Cordelia. Yeah?

50:19

I have a very convincing voice speaking

50:22

to me now. And

50:25

I believe in the last moment

50:27

of my rationality in this terrible

50:29

moment of all encompassing grief, I

50:32

perhaps need to have an angel on

50:34

the other shoulder. Don't listen to her, DeBonesby.

50:37

Don't listen. Don't listen to her. She's weak.

50:39

She's a therapist. She'll make you into a little

50:41

baby boy. She'll make you into

50:44

a baby. I could tell you about wonderful things in

50:46

this world that

50:50

are worth not

50:51

being sad about. Do you want to stand

50:53

up and be a man? Or do you want to lie

50:55

down in the dirt, and drive

50:57

like a pathetic piece of shit?

50:59

And remember when stir-fry

51:01

would make really good food? It gets louder

51:03

and louder, and you can feel it sort of- Sometimes

51:05

you made acorn water, but- Changing and

51:08

manipulating your hands, DeBonesby.

51:10

Your hands beginning to move of its own accordance, beginning

51:12

to bang against the glass of

51:14

the jar. It's grabbing those pickled eggs and it's

51:16

squeezing them. And you can feel as

51:19

the viscous egg, the

51:22

yolk of the pickled eggs moves

51:24

through your fingers. It feels good. It

51:26

feels like being alive in the eggs as it touches the eggs, it

51:29

reorients them and it manipulates them. And it turns

51:31

them

51:31

into perfect chicken eggs, not

51:33

yet hatched. They change. It

51:35

changes just from as you touch it. You

51:37

feel the pig shit melting off and

51:40

being absorbed into the pickle water. It's

51:42

being diluted.

51:45

Freddie looks at Cordelia and

51:48

says, "'Tell

51:50

me about the purple flowers.'" And

51:53

then a lightning bolt shoots

51:55

out of his left hand, erupting

51:57

the glass jar completely. Whoa!

52:01

The glass shatters and little bits of glass go flying everywhere.

52:04

Bello, something strange happens and none of

52:06

the glass hits you. Bello, you feel

52:09

the wind of the glass moving right past you, but you're completely

52:11

unharmed by it. Albie and Cordelia, you get slashed

52:13

by it. You get cut relatively

52:15

deeply. On your Cordelia, on your cheek.

52:19

Albie, on your nose. On

52:21

the bridge of your nose, it gets cut. And it hurts.

52:24

It does, they each do five damage. Sure. That

52:26

is a bleeder. Cordelia

52:28

drops to Bonesby. The

52:32

Bonesby's hand is moving and gesticulating.

52:34

It moves as if it's a claymation.

52:37

It's a stop motion. It's moving on like a different,

52:40

to Bonesby moves on the ones, but this thing moves on the threes

52:42

and the fours. As it forms

52:45

its hand into like a shadow puppet dog

52:48

and it begins to speak to you with the

52:50

senior wences actually shape as it

52:52

speaks to you, Bonesby's,

52:55

hello to Bonesby. You

52:57

gonna stick me in poop again? And

53:01

then Freddie

53:03

looks over at his,

53:06

like his leg has twisted

53:08

around like and backwards

53:10

and is formed into another hand puppet

53:13

out of his foot that talks to him.

53:16

Oh, from the bottom, what do you do? We

53:18

had a good team, Jared and Bob. The

53:21

hand is going to slap the feet and

53:23

say, no, no, bad, bad. That's

53:25

what made you cry. That's what

53:27

made you weak. That's the flesh that binds you to the earth.

53:30

I am the rope that ties you to the heavens.

53:33

He's saying,

53:37

Freddie looks at his buddies and he just says, run

53:40

to the school, run now. Fred,

53:44

we need you and your feet begin

53:46

moving forward and they're moving quickly, quickly,

53:48

quickly. It's as if two men are, one person

53:50

is piloting one foot, one is piloting another.

53:53

It's a fucking Mighty Morphin Power Ranger. Prolept

53:55

and Goatsy listen to you. And they each pilot one of your

53:57

feet and they move forward quickly, quickly, quickly,

53:59

quickly.

53:59

You are running, you are moving very far

54:02

ahead as the hand pulls you back and drags you

54:04

back. And you feel as this energy

54:06

is moving through your hand and it's beginning to take

54:08

your hand with it, you feel weak at the wrist. Your

54:11

wrist begins to... Oh god. There's a horrible,

54:14

horrible sharp pain in your wrist as your

54:16

wrist breaks. Oh

54:18

no! Oh, pain I hate

54:21

it so. And

54:23

it begins to move. The mucus

54:26

green goblin flesh and musculature that

54:28

keeps your hand connected.

54:29

To the rest of your arm is growing weaker

54:32

and weaker as the hand pulls itself away

54:34

and away until finally there's a pop. Your

54:37

hand is gone. Whoa! Your

54:40

left hand floats before you getting larger

54:43

and larger and larger. It looks

54:45

less and less like a goblin hand and more

54:47

and more like a perfect anatomically perfect

54:50

Grey's Anatomy drawing of a hand.

54:53

The hand gets larger and larger

54:55

and larger until it folds itself.

54:58

It is the fingers knit together

54:59

and they're forming this strange

55:02

shadow puppet figure of something bizarre

55:05

and metal and the

55:07

drawing of the hand begins to melt away and it reveals

55:10

its true form to you.

55:13

You see floating before you now

55:16

a 10 foot tall paperclip

55:21

with large eyes. It

55:24

rides a yellow note. Oh

55:27

my god. It looks at you and says hello.

55:31

It seems you're trying to create the universe.

55:35

Need any suggestions? I

55:39

have felt terrible pain on this

55:41

day and I am ready to speak

55:45

to any god or force otherwise

55:47

that might strike it. I

55:50

am not a god.

55:51

I am sit above the gods.

55:54

The things that birthed the gods

55:57

they consult

55:58

me. I am. I am

56:00

a guide to creation. I

56:03

am the editor. I

56:06

see all that makes no sense,

56:08

and I put a little red underline

56:10

on it. You know what happens to things with

56:12

a little red underline under them? What

56:15

happens? And at that flip

56:17

cup is going to stick his head through

56:21

the leaves of the woods. What's going

56:23

on? Everyone's being loud! Something's happening!

56:25

Everyone's being weird! And at that he points

56:28

at, the paperclip points

56:30

at flip cup. Flip cup, a large

56:33

red

56:33

zigzag underline appears under

56:35

flip cup as flip cup says, what's happening, what's happening, what's

56:37

happening, And he gets smaller

56:40

and smaller and smaller and smaller, and then he's

56:42

gone.

56:43

No! Oh my.

56:46

The paperclip laughs. Ha ha ha ha ha

56:48

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

56:50

ha ha. Where's the bird? The

56:52

bird is dead. You have taken

56:54

advantage of my grief in this moment. Fine.

56:59

If I did, it's because you were weak. You don't make any

57:01

sense. Look at you. A

57:04

lich? Look at you reduced to this. You're

57:06

a cartoon creature of farts and poops

57:09

and diaper escapades. It's

57:11

only because of living in this world. I'm

57:15

finally free of you and I, I

57:18

reject your promises. Oh,

57:20

they were so tempting, but I see now you're

57:22

nothing more than, a

57:24

little charlatan who looks like

57:27

something on daddy's Windows 95 computer. Which

57:30

I had. You shouldn't

57:32

even know

57:33

what that is. That doesn't make any sense.

57:35

Where would you get the internet? Where would you get the technology?

57:38

Where would you get the class? Where would you get the oil?

57:40

Where would you get any of the necessary components

57:42

to make a Windows 95 computer? Think

57:44

for two fucking seconds, man. Think

57:47

about that. It doesn't make any sense. None

57:49

of this world makes sense. None of your little

57:52

references make any sense whatsoever.

57:55

You're playing the game incorrectly.

58:00

I am

58:02

from the north. The north?

58:04

It doesn't make any sense. It's a loose end.

58:06

It's a loose end. Think about the north. Picture

58:09

the north in your head. It doesn't exist. It's

58:11

a narrative safety blanket

58:13

that we have invented

58:15

so that we could explain away anything

58:18

that doesn't make enough sense in this

58:20

fucking stop. His eyes are getting redder

58:22

and redder and redder. But you hear something very

58:24

strange. You hear pleasant,

58:28

rousing banjo music? A

58:31

familiar voice sings out.

58:33

He's found a down,

58:34

sucking dick and trucking. Are

58:37

we gonna do what they say can't be

58:39

done? We got

58:41

a long way to go and a

58:43

short time to get there. I'm

58:46

each found just watch all rowdy run.

58:49

A large 18-wheeler made entirely

58:51

out of goblins comes crashing through the trees

58:54

at not two miles an hour. Jesus Christ,

58:56

Roddy, slow it down. You're moving through trees.

58:59

It hits the paperclip, throwing it, sending

59:01

it flying 100 feet into the

59:03

woods.

59:06

You hear from inside. The truck comes to

59:08

a screeching halt and it

59:11

begins rolling and rolling on its side over

59:13

and over and over again. It hits a tree and

59:15

you hear from inside. It looks like it's crashed.

59:18

There's a moment of terrible silence.

59:22

And then you hear, all right, let me out.

59:26

The goblins part

59:28

and hot Roddy steps out. Holy

59:31

shit, Roddy. Hey, car. What's

59:34

up, losers? You

59:37

made it out.

59:38

He holds a hand in the air and he snaps. He says,

59:41

goblins, breeding mode.

59:42

The truck dissipates. All

59:46

of the goblins let go of each other and

59:49

they just begin running off wildly

59:51

into the woods. He looks at you and says, I don't

59:53

know what. They

59:55

do or what breeding mode is, but I do

59:57

know in about seven to 14 minutes, they were in the woods.

59:59

will come back and there will be more of them. Uncle

1:00:05

Roddy, we heard you were

1:00:07

doing time. Yeah, doing

1:00:09

time, hardly a crime.

1:00:14

You know how it is, nephew. I

1:00:16

see now that you, I couldn't help

1:00:18

but hear that you, you call me uncle freely.

1:00:21

Yeah.

1:00:21

That's kind of how we left things. It's,

1:00:24

it's wise of you to remember and accept

1:00:26

that. I see that my wisdom

1:00:28

has been passed down through the, the

1:00:31

tritial line to my, my nephew.

1:00:36

My nephew, Belo.

1:00:37

You're saying that you're saying you're on

1:00:39

my mother's side. I think, oh

1:00:42

no. Cause then just in case

1:00:44

I'm going to be on the father's side, you know, I like

1:00:46

to keep my options open with Mona, if you know

1:00:48

what I mean. Dude,

1:00:52

no, that is not a line you

1:00:54

can cross. No, all right. If

1:00:56

you change your mind, I will cross that line.

1:01:00

Okay. But I won't change my mind. All right. But if you

1:01:02

do, I will. Okay.

1:01:03

But if you don't, I won't, I will not

1:01:06

come up again.

1:01:07

It won't come up again unless

1:01:09

you change your mind. Beautiful

1:01:11

woman and the rest, he

1:01:14

points, he gestures, but you probably

1:01:17

haven't seen her since she was pregnant

1:01:19

with me, dude. Yeah. Yeah.

1:01:22

That was good times.

1:01:24

Good times and bad. But the rest of

1:01:26

you, how

1:01:27

go your travels? Um,

1:01:32

bad. Good. Roddy.

1:01:36

Uh, you seem less

1:01:39

bullying. No,

1:01:42

that is not the case. Idiot. As

1:01:46

much a bully as ever.

1:01:49

Hold up. I'm sorry. What? Roddy.

1:01:53

Can you, can you get those goblins back? We need

1:01:55

to get somewhere really fast. Uh,

1:01:57

there's like an angry God.

1:01:59

And I think Flip Cup just... I

1:02:04

think Flip Cup just died. Okay, well,

1:02:06

I don't remember who Flip Cup is, so

1:02:09

I don't know what I'm supposed to do about

1:02:11

that. Uh, not the first god,

1:02:13

by the way, that's been mad at me, so... Yeah,

1:02:16

you got the Roddy experience helping

1:02:18

you out here. You sent me to go make a distraction

1:02:20

in Philadelphia. I did, by the way.

1:02:23

Yeah, you did great! And I snuck out. I

1:02:26

need you to do something even more uncle-like

1:02:28

and give me a ride. Ooh, nice. Give

1:02:31

me a ride. Uncle's duty.

1:02:35

Alright, I mean, I can call the goblins back, but

1:02:37

you're not gonna like what you see. That...

1:02:40

I don't care. I can't be fazed. You say that

1:02:42

right now, but you will care. A goblin mid-coitus,

1:02:45

you will care. You do not

1:02:47

know what I have seen today, my man. You will

1:02:49

believe a dick can go inside out. Oh.

1:02:53

Uh... Oh, hello.

1:02:55

And he, for the first time, sort of like clocks

1:02:57

Cordelia. Shit. Cordelia,

1:03:02

how's the weather up there? Oh!

1:03:05

Shit, there is like a cloud a little

1:03:07

bit around her head. This is

1:03:09

due to your height. Yes. This

1:03:12

is due to your height. This is due to your height, yes. A

1:03:15

very tall person, too tall.

1:03:17

Wait, what the fuck was that wire cinnamon

1:03:20

bun? What? Did you... did you kill

1:03:22

that thing? I have no idea what I did. Yeah,

1:03:24

wait, Freddy, what did it say to you? Albie is like helping...

1:03:27

I drunk drove a truck of goblins

1:03:30

towards you guys. I didn't know you would

1:03:32

be here.

1:03:34

Um, Albie is helping Freddy

1:03:37

onto his feet. Freddy,

1:03:39

what did that thing say to you? That

1:03:43

is the unpleasantness. It is

1:03:45

here to rewrite

1:03:48

all wrongs as it may see in our

1:03:50

world. And that includes

1:03:53

Flip Cup and... In

1:03:56

a way, I am grateful stir fry wasn't here for

1:03:58

it, too, because... That was

1:04:01

also on the list. Wait,

1:04:03

do we think it's going to come back? And Elby's craning

1:04:05

her neck to look where it landed. You

1:04:09

can't see. You just see it was thrown into the trees.

1:04:12

Oh, definitely. We absolutely

1:04:14

have to continue our mission to another

1:04:16

plane. Hell.

1:04:19

Before it does whatever to

1:04:21

us, it doesn't... Yeah,

1:04:23

we got to get out of here. From

1:04:26

behind you, you hear a voice saying,

1:04:29

Well, well, well. Ehhhhh... Thought

1:04:33

you could throw me into the trees, did you?

1:04:36

I won't be disposed of quite so easily. I won't

1:04:38

be trapped inside of a skeletal hand,

1:04:41

forced to listen to the echoes of a loser

1:04:45

and his two loser goblin

1:04:48

co-pilots. Kudilian,

1:04:50

Dabonsby, could I have you both make a, uh,

1:04:53

Arcana roll? Mm? I

1:04:55

got a two. I got a 24. Okay,

1:04:59

Kudilia, you look at this big paperclip

1:05:01

in the sky and it looks

1:05:03

like a paperclip. Oh

1:05:05

my god, it's a paperclip. Dabonsby,

1:05:08

the yellow on the paper that it rides, something

1:05:11

in that jog, something in your memory, and you remember

1:05:13

now, you remember back to Brian Doyle Falls, you

1:05:15

remember the destruction of Danny Timeshare, you remember

1:05:18

looking and gazing down into the pool as those

1:05:20

things the size of creation, they

1:05:22

had those, the halo of multicolored

1:05:25

orbs encircling them, and the yellow

1:05:27

of his pad is exactly the same as the yellow that was

1:05:29

circling and encircling those things. You

1:05:32

see him now, you realize now what he is exactly. You

1:05:35

see the connection that has been there the entire time. This

1:05:37

is the editor. This

1:05:39

is the thing that edited the

1:05:42

ideas of the things that burned the gods. Kudilia

1:05:45

is a first draft world. You

1:05:48

see it now, you see the ones and zeros of creation as

1:05:50

you realize it doesn't make any sense why you had

1:05:52

Windows 95 growing up. That's fucking insane,

1:05:54

but you did have it. Oh, god,

1:05:58

I was always too... told in school.

1:06:02

First drafts are shitty, just

1:06:04

write whatever. And

1:06:07

here we are doing it, right

1:06:09

this very moment." That's right. It

1:06:11

doesn't have to make sense. It doesn't

1:06:13

have to be good, but it does need to be

1:06:15

edited. It does need to be cleaned up.

1:06:18

You need it perfect. You need it just so, right?

1:06:21

Yes, I do. I need it exactly right. I

1:06:23

choose my words with precision. Bello

1:06:26

turns to Hot Roddy and

1:06:29

Bello says, Hey, Hot Roddy. I'm

1:06:31

Hot Roddy. What's going on with this asshole? Roddy,

1:06:34

this asshole is real fussy.

1:06:38

Is that so? Yeah, yeah.

1:06:41

Is that the case? Yeah, yeah.

1:06:44

He's a little picky. So

1:06:46

historically you have discouraged

1:06:49

my proclivities.

1:06:52

Let her rip. And at

1:06:54

that he's going to, he cocks his body like

1:06:57

a shotgun and with fire in his eyes, he

1:06:59

looks up at this thing. He says, why don't you suck

1:07:02

my dick, you weird, fuzzy

1:07:04

little piece of shit. Hey, look

1:07:06

at this. Look. And he unties one of his

1:07:09

shoes. Oh, look, my shoes

1:07:11

untied. And he unties another one. Look, my

1:07:13

other shoes untied. Watch this. I'm

1:07:15

wiping my ass with my hair. Do

1:07:18

you like that? He shows it to him. Yeah,

1:07:21

I got swab bass. I've been

1:07:22

driving a long

1:07:23

time. The

1:07:26

thing just looks him up and down dispassionately

1:07:29

and a red diagonal line appears under

1:07:32

Hot Roddy. And Hot Roddy goes, wait, wait,

1:07:35

hold on. What's happening? What's happening? And

1:07:38

he gets smaller and smaller and smaller

1:07:41

and smaller and he looks at Bello. Is it you're the uncle now?

1:07:43

You're the uncle now. Pass with my son. Oh,

1:07:48

shit.

1:07:50

Albie is going to grab

1:07:53

the bones. Be grab

1:07:55

Bello and start running and

1:07:57

then try to also grab Cordelia.

1:07:59

She's going to start running in the opposite

1:08:02

direction of this of this creature. I don't

1:08:05

even know what they're talking about

1:08:06

It stays right where it is. I didn't

1:08:09

even know you could rewrite things Bello

1:08:18

casts longstrider on himself

1:08:20

giving him a speed boost and Then

1:08:23

he's going to wild shape into you guessed

1:08:25

it a horse

1:08:26

and suddenly Albie is riding

1:08:29

on his back Clutching the bones of the under

1:08:31

her arm Cordelia is running behind

1:08:34

and getting kind of hit with his tail very

1:08:36

close by it stays behind It

1:08:39

isn't moving and you hear it calling out to you. So that's

1:08:42

fine run along there. I'll get to

1:08:44

you eventually There's only

1:08:46

so much creation. You can't hide forever. I'll

1:08:49

start here. It's as good a place as any Albie

1:08:52

yeah What

1:08:55

about your

1:08:57

brother I

1:08:58

Think we just have to move forward. That's

1:09:00

what he would want No,

1:09:03

what if he could you know?

1:09:06

Now that's what's gonna happen and that's what's gonna

1:09:09

happen, but we have to stay on our mission,

1:09:11

okay Let's get

1:09:13

to that school if this thing may erase

1:09:15

us, but at least it'll erase us in the right spot

1:09:17

to send us to hell

1:09:20

It you hear it calls out is hmm. Look

1:09:22

at this. This tree is a skew

1:09:25

This Tree

1:09:28

is growing backwards And

1:09:30

you see as the woods around you

1:09:32

begin to reshape and reform

1:09:35

the trees are now Even as you run

1:09:37

forward you see you look to your sides

1:09:39

and you see on either end of you

1:09:41

The trees are evenly spaced We

1:09:44

all go up No,

1:09:48

and below stops. Oh What

1:09:51

are you doing? I've

1:09:53

been through this already. I saw when

1:09:56

Danny timeshare remade

1:09:58

my town I saw what happened

1:10:00

to Brian Doyle Falls. If we

1:10:03

bring the school back, what's the point if it

1:10:05

was we bring it back to this shitty, perfect

1:10:07

world and this dumb little

1:10:12

metal guy's vision?

1:10:14

Bello. Is that what we

1:10:16

want? Bello, I don't think we could stop it. Cordelia

1:10:19

turns back to look at what Bello is looking

1:10:22

at and sees the universe

1:10:25

straightening and the trees

1:10:27

coming into, you know, like more perfect

1:10:30

direction. And I'd like

1:10:32

to know if we can see

1:10:34

whether or not they're like cast

1:10:37

entirely in red. So

1:10:40

yeah, Cordelia, as you're looking around, you can

1:10:42

see all of the trees that have

1:10:44

been changed, there's a faint hue of red to them. They

1:10:47

remain red. Okay.

1:10:51

Why is everything on fire? Why is it red? Freddie

1:10:55

turns back and sees all

1:10:57

of the highlighted items

1:10:59

that have been changed are

1:11:02

under review. He flashes

1:11:05

back to his childhood of

1:11:08

father cracking a whip menacingly

1:11:10

behind him as he struggles through Mavis

1:11:13

Teaches typing. And then a

1:11:16

little later when he's gifted

1:11:18

for his birthday, a

1:11:21

wrapped copy of a gigantic box

1:11:23

of word, Microsoft

1:11:26

Word. Oh,

1:11:28

he lows this present, but also it's

1:11:30

his only friend.

1:11:33

One day he starts working

1:11:35

on a fun little story and it's

1:11:38

not quite up to how he wants

1:11:40

to see this fictional world that could

1:11:42

be better than his own. So he starts making changes

1:11:44

and he accidentally hits a button that

1:11:47

tracks those changes. And

1:11:50

then if

1:11:51

he wants to, he can click a button

1:11:53

to accept or reject

1:11:56

the change on the track changes.

1:12:00

Branson, does Freddy

1:12:02

see that button here? Among

1:12:04

them in space? You

1:12:07

do.

1:12:08

Unfortunately, it

1:12:11

is connected to

1:12:13

the editor. But

1:12:16

Freddy knows the editor now too. He

1:12:19

remembers it all. Clippy,

1:12:24

hello. It doesn't look

1:12:27

like I'm trying to make any changes.

1:12:30

I dismiss you. You what? And

1:12:32

he presses a little X directly

1:12:35

above the right. No, no, no, no,

1:12:37

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And he gets smaller and smaller

1:12:39

and smaller and smaller. No, no, no, no, no, no, no,

1:12:41

no, no. And you hear a whoosh. It's

1:12:44

a broken world, baby, but it's mine. And

1:12:48

the trees return. Some

1:12:51

of the trees go back. One of the trees was inside out.

1:12:54

What does an inside out tree look like? Shut

1:12:56

up. Some of the trees, they're not straight anymore.

1:12:58

They're not evenly spaced. It goes back to the

1:13:00

wild, strange teenage woods. You

1:13:02

hear a whoosh. It's flip cup

1:13:04

is brought back into reality. You hear

1:13:07

a whoosh. As hot Roddy is brought back

1:13:09

into reality. Ah, damn, I thought I was alone.

1:13:13

Boo.

1:13:14

Roddy. Flip cup.

1:13:18

And at that, it's been seven to 14 minutes and

1:13:20

the goblins returned from the swarm

1:13:22

of ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

1:13:24

ha ha ha ha. Goblins return

1:13:27

and they reform into, this

1:13:30

isn't the Shishkebab Express. This

1:13:34

is the, well, there's no

1:13:36

name on it. Roddy slaps the side of

1:13:38

the truck and says, yeah, it's the gyro

1:13:41

express. Ha ha ha ha ha. Wow.

1:13:46

Totally different. What just happened?

1:13:50

I think I've come to understand there

1:13:52

was a power inside of me that

1:13:54

I always overlooked

1:13:55

in favor

1:13:57

of something. I don't know, et cetera.

1:14:00

Whatever. It's a first draft. I haven't

1:14:02

figured it out. I think we killed

1:14:04

another god. Heh heh heh.

1:14:07

And the crowd

1:14:08

goes wild. Another episode

1:14:11

of Rood Tales of Magic on

1:14:13

the books. A grand slam

1:14:16

of an episode. Scoreboard,

1:14:19

that's right. Rood Tales of Magic 66,

1:14:22

you the listener, zero. Did

1:14:25

you know this was a fight? This was a contest.

1:14:27

And you've been asleep at the wheel,

1:14:30

my friend. Oh,

1:14:32

where am I going with this? All right, Rood Tales

1:14:34

of Magic

1:14:35

is produced by Pocket of Milk.

1:14:37

Edited by Steve De La Mater.

1:14:40

Sound designed by Koriak Sanders.

1:14:43

And scored by Casey Toney.

1:14:46

With additional sound design from

1:14:48

Michael Delphi and Taylor Moore. And

1:14:51

as always, special thanks to

1:14:53

Tyler Button and Sydney and Benjamin

1:14:55

Paul. And a huge shout

1:14:57

out to our

1:14:58

big freak, Christina

1:15:00

Lopez. That's right.

1:15:03

Oh my god, the cast. I haven't even said the cast. Yeah,

1:15:06

I'd lose my head if it wasn't bolted

1:15:08

on at the neck. Frankenstein

1:15:11

style. Okay. That

1:15:13

was Ali Fisher as

1:15:15

Cordelia. Harley Bernardo

1:15:18

as Albee. Christopher Hastings

1:15:21

as Frederick the Bonesby. Joe

1:15:23

Lepore as Bello.

1:15:25

Branson Reese as everything

1:15:27

and everyone else. And Tim Platt

1:15:30

as stir fry. What the fuck? Why

1:15:32

is he still on the cast list?

1:15:56

Stir fry. You open

1:15:58

your eyes. You're lying

1:16:01

face up in a field of flowers. The

1:16:04

air is crisp and clean. As

1:16:06

you sit up, you take in your surroundings. You're

1:16:09

in a lush tropical paradise. Sexually

1:16:12

appealing angels bathe in distant waterfalls

1:16:15

and wading birds walk peacefully through cool

1:16:17

water. You look to your side

1:16:20

and you see an enormous blue heart waking up

1:16:22

next to you. It has no face,

1:16:24

but you feel it smile. Mutha?

1:16:29

Loster, right.

1:16:29

This is hell?

1:16:33

I think this is heaven.

1:16:36

No, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh,

1:16:39

man. That's crazy. You're

1:16:41

here too. And you're here. That's crazy.

1:16:43

I mean, I want you to come here, but I...

1:16:48

Your name is Mother here too? My name is

1:16:50

Mother. That's funny.

1:17:00

That was a Headgum Podcast.