0:02

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Hello,

0:09

listeners. Welcome back to

0:11

the graveyard. It's

0:14

me, the Grave Freaker. And

0:16

good news. I'm no longer chained

0:18

to the massive tome of rude

0:20

tales of magic. Instead,

0:23

I'm chained to this magazine

0:26

that's released every other week. It's

0:28

called Gun Aficionado. And there's a

0:30

story. There's like a serial story

0:32

being told in it. And that's

0:34

what I'm reading to you now.

0:37

So my backstory is I was

0:39

unchained from the big book. And

0:41

then in the intervening two weeks, Branson

0:43

Reese came by and he chained me

0:45

to a magazine. And it

0:48

will be updating and refreshing. And

0:50

I said, will I at least get paid more? And

0:53

he said, we pay you. So I stepped

0:55

in it. I don't get paid for anything

0:57

now. Anyway, welcome to Rude

1:00

Tales of Magic. Season

1:02

3, sort of. Weird

1:05

times in Piss Harbor.

1:09

All right. Thank you, Grave Freaker. The

1:13

most unenthusiastic

1:16

thanks to yourself. All

1:18

right. Get back to your graveyard, you freak. The

1:29

year is 484 AA. The

1:34

town, Piss Harbor. If

1:36

you're coming by sea, you smell it before

1:39

you can see it. A

1:41

sleazy little subtropical town on

1:43

the west coast of Cordelia,

1:47

where there's a deal to be made

1:49

around every corner. But also, death

1:51

lurks behind every corner. So

1:54

you really got to stay on your toes

1:56

here. Thieves.

1:59

Gangsters. juvenile

2:01

delinquents, drug

2:04

lords, and scoundrels

2:06

of every stripe rubs

2:08

shoulders here. And the cops?

2:11

Well, they work for the highest bidder.

2:14

It's said there are more criminals

2:17

here than law-abiding citizens. A

2:19

fact virtually impossible to verify

2:21

due to the rampant corruption

2:23

in the local trivia community.

2:27

It's your home to the cops.

2:29

Just another day in Piss Harbor.

2:32

Somebody's going to emergency, somebody's going

2:35

to jail. And baby,

2:37

when the sun goes down in Piss

2:39

Harbor, the scum comes out to play.

2:41

And all bets are off. Because

2:44

baby, here in Piss Harbor, the

2:46

house always wins. And

2:48

the dice aren't the only thing that's loaded. The

2:51

drunk drivers are too. But

2:53

also the wealthy, who play their

2:56

little cat and mouse games with

2:58

all of us lowlives and poppers.

3:00

That's right, you're poor. I

3:04

assume no rich people listen

3:06

to rude tales of magic.

3:09

Honestly, I've seen our numbers. Very

3:12

few poor people listen either. Please

3:14

tell your friends about rude tales

3:16

of magic. I'm begging you. The

3:20

camera moves now to a cathedral

3:22

on the south side of town.

3:25

You don't have to be Catholic to worship here,

3:27

but it sure does help. Sinners

3:30

clutch rosaries and pray to Catholic

3:32

God for forgiveness. But

3:35

many of them have their fingers crossed. Some

3:38

are so bold as to pray for help

3:40

with sinning. The

3:44

smell of incense fills the air as

3:47

we see quickly edited shots

3:49

of Mother Mary's face in

3:51

stained glass, intercut with gargoyles.

3:54

It seems the editor of this

3:56

podcast has a real axe to grind

3:58

with the church. Hey. You tell

4:00

him, Thelma. Same, honestly. You

4:02

heard this show? I

4:04

don't even know what I'm saying half the time,

4:06

but I know it's anti-church. Say that much for

4:08

free. The camera meanders

4:11

Scorsesely through the incense in the Roman

4:13

candle of the morgue into

4:15

a back office where a balding

4:17

priest with a mustache stands behind

4:19

a desk. He looks

4:22

out through a stained glass window

4:24

before turning around furiously. Who

4:26

does he see, Allie? Crouched

4:29

in the shadows is a

4:31

gargoyle, made of the

4:33

same expensive greystone as the

4:35

rest of the gorgeous cathedral. She's

4:38

covered in carvings like tattoos,

4:41

marks from the rebellious youth who've made

4:43

it to the church roof to

4:46

stargaze and make out. She

4:48

stands her full four feet tall and

4:50

steps into the light. God

4:54

damn it, Neil. That was strike

4:56

one, two, and three. And

4:59

here in Catholicism, you don't even get the

5:01

first strike. You killed one of

5:03

our most valuable donors. Collection

5:05

plate hasn't been that light since the

5:08

month in 72 when they accidentally outlawed

5:10

money. Explain yourself. Now.

5:14

I won't be explaining myself to you, church

5:16

boy. Not today, not tomorrow.

5:20

In fact, I'm out of

5:22

here. What do you mean

5:24

you're out of here? You can't just leave the church. Watch

5:27

me. I'm out of here.

5:30

I'm gone. I'm gone like

5:32

yesterday's news and other

5:34

things. Absolutely

5:37

not. No, you killed the donor. You

5:39

got to answer for that. You don't

5:41

get to leave. You're fired. That's right.

5:43

I want to see your rosary, your

5:45

gun, and your badge on me desk

5:47

at once. They

5:49

clatter cooperatively

5:51

onto his desk. Oh,

5:57

oh, you followed the instructions, but I could tell you were donuts

5:59

or cuffs. That's

6:01

right. I don't need any

6:04

of these items. I've

6:06

been listening to the confessions of

6:08

evil men from that window, she

6:10

points to a window, for a thousand years.

6:13

A thousand years? A

6:15

thousand years. Say it

6:17

persevered! They

6:20

don't. That's

6:22

what I've learned. I've

6:25

learned that preservation only comes

6:27

for those who do evil

6:29

things. And now,

6:32

I'll be coming for them too. Neil,

6:35

you're on a bad path, and I

6:38

hope you can step off of it.

6:40

But, in my heart of hearts, I

6:42

know you won't. God and the church

6:44

turn their back on you. Goodbye, Neil.

6:46

Hello, Acha. And I

6:48

turn my- No, get out of my office! Back

6:51

on you too. And as she does, you

6:53

see her tiny vanity wings that are also made

6:55

of stone, and she walks out

6:58

of the office. She turns

7:00

back coyly. So sorry.

7:02

Did you say I'm fired?

7:05

And she lights a cigarette, and

7:08

she drops the flame onto the pews.

7:10

The wooden pews. Oh

7:13

no, the wooden pews! They're catching! Oh

7:15

no! Oh, the flames are getting bigger

7:17

and bigger! Oh dear, what's happening? Oh

7:19

no! Oh no, they're catching on the

7:21

stone! The flammable stone! How could that

7:23

be? Oh no! Oh, I'm perishing in

7:25

my- Oh, it makes me want the

7:28

flames from the Roman castle! Oh dear!

7:30

Oh, the whole church is going up

7:32

and up! Can you walk away, out

7:34

into the night? I

7:36

say see you in hell. But

7:38

it looks like you're already there. Ha

7:40

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You

7:43

hear a voice from the shadows, as a

7:46

large figure, still in the shadows, steps forward

7:48

while not stepping out of the shadows. You

7:50

can't see who this is. That's

7:53

my move, being in the

7:55

shadows. Hey! Seems

7:58

like you'd make a pretty good bounty hunter. Am

8:00

I right? Bounty hunter.

8:03

Mmm? I'm listening. Well,

8:06

I'm talking. The

8:11

camera has bigger plans for

8:14

the narrative than Lee. Sorry,

8:16

deal. It's just how it

8:18

is, you know? I, a hapless

8:20

narrator, have no choice but to say

8:22

what I see as it ventures across

8:24

the city to a dive bar called

8:27

The Slurring Cuckold. Neon

8:30

sign, illuminated by picky-ass, slicker-seated,

8:33

as you venture in through

8:35

the blood-stained door into the

8:37

dark and fucking dive. Tom

8:41

was fumbled in muscle-men, in punks and

8:44

leather jackets with mohawks the

8:46

color of Simon's cum, order snake

8:48

venom, and grubbing alcohol shots off

8:51

the some-drink-to-forget chalkboard menu. The

8:54

whole place thinks of booze and blood.

8:57

Somebody pissed a hole into one of the

8:59

brick walls. That's a strong scream.

9:03

Next to it is graffiti written

9:05

in bioluminescent blood that reads Glory

9:08

Hole slash Vicky, a teen. Feeling

9:10

lucky? A shirtless human

9:12

man in an open, bright yellow

9:15

leather jacket with a mullet and

9:17

sunglasses. Lean back on the

9:19

bar and down's a shot of demon

9:21

piss before wiping his mouth. Yeah,

9:24

they call me Jack-Feeling.

9:27

Jack-Feeling's the troll hunter. I

9:30

reckon there's not a troll alive who

9:32

I didn't poison. A

9:34

large troll rises from behind the bar,

9:37

touches his arm tattoo that reads Both

9:40

Mother and Father, and grabs Jack by

9:42

the leg, picking him up five

9:44

feet off the ground and ripping him in

9:46

half like that nun in Lucio Folce's

9:49

Themonia, which is a spoiler, but they put it

9:51

on the poster, which you would already know if

9:54

you were ever gonna watch it. So fucking

9:56

save it before you complain. The

9:58

troll bellows. Oh, baby,

10:00

my blood is up! I'll

10:03

buy a round for anybody stupid

10:05

enough to challenge me to an

10:07

arm-wrestling match. All you

10:09

gotta do is keep your arm.

10:13

I wouldn't mind a little something

10:15

to wet my pants, Luke. Ugh.

10:19

Toward. Who was a field

10:22

rock? A sun-leathered

10:24

muscle man. Flashes

10:26

and ivory grimace tucked

10:28

under shield-stained sheets and

10:31

broad biker money. His

10:35

thick neck supports a

10:37

teased-out pound of

10:40

bone-bleached mane, crowned

10:42

by a wreath of

10:44

neon chroma flowers. Moles

10:47

blossom in clusters from the ivy

10:49

that snakes around the spikes of

10:52

his black iron armor, of

10:54

which there is actually very

10:56

little, giving you ample

10:59

opportunity to study every detail

11:02

of the bulbed cut muscle

11:04

that threatens to burst through his

11:06

self-real race. He

11:10

steps forward with a... a

11:13

co-op? The

11:15

crowd parts revealing the

11:18

equine bottom of a sun-leather

11:21

of the original big, bad pony man,

11:24

Jonathan Large. Cole

11:27

looks you up and down. Jonathan

11:30

Large! Your reputation

11:32

precedes you. Well

11:35

then, you wanna

11:37

buy me a drink now, or

11:39

do you wanna lose an arm

11:42

in your boar tab? More

11:45

like you're going to lose an arm.

11:47

Let's begin. He slams an elbow down

11:50

on a nearby table, breaking it. Oh,

11:52

I gotta go to a stone table. He

11:55

slams it down on the stone pink table,

11:57

almost breaking it. That's how strong this troll

11:59

is. Jonathan

12:02

Large delicately places his elbow onto

12:04

the table when it is ready.

12:07

He's not here to break the

12:09

table. He's here. One

12:12

free drink. They grasp

12:14

hands, predator shot

12:17

referenceingly, and you see these

12:19

men are extremely muscular. He

12:22

begins moving his arm. He's trying to beat you

12:24

in this arm wrestling match. Chris, can I have

12:27

you make a strength roll? I

12:29

would love to make a strength roll. I

12:33

rolled an unnatural

12:35

20. Holy

12:38

shit, I rolled an artificial 20. Yes,

12:41

I rolled a 16 plus a 4. Look,

12:45

that's a strong, I'm gonna go to the largest

12:47

strong man, but you'll realize it. You

12:49

see beads of sweat forming on his forehead,

12:51

and the beads of sweat for this man,

12:53

that's a gallon of sweat each bead. That's

12:55

how big this troll is. Massive, massive, massive.

12:57

He's trying to arm wrestle. He's pushing, he's

12:59

pushing. Jonathan Large, you're

13:02

overpowering. I don't

13:04

wanna pay for my next

13:06

drink. You

13:08

hear Samu's popping and popping as his

13:10

muscles are breaking. You hear the bone

13:12

snap as you slam his arm to

13:14

the ground. You are the winner of

13:17

the arm wrestling match. Take

13:24

this moment and reflect,

13:26

my friend. Turn back

13:28

to nature. Surrender to life.

13:31

You don't have to live this way

13:34

in this den of

13:36

stink and filth and

13:39

booze. The

13:41

troll looks up at you with tears in his

13:43

eyes. He looks down at his broken arm and

13:45

up at you. Jonathan

13:48

Large, not only are you a strong man,

13:50

but you are a good man. You have

13:52

my respect, and you have the

13:54

next round. But as he says that, you

13:57

hear a little voice

13:59

coming from the base. of your skull and

14:01

you remember the little bit of fairy

14:03

brain that you had surgically added to the base

14:05

of your skull you hear it tingling as a

14:07

voice in your head says Jonathan

14:10

large Jonathan large come in you got a

14:12

bounty with your name on it this

14:15

is large here eat charge

14:17

and killing March if that

14:20

last guy was a go

14:24

ahead yeah yeah

14:26

come to bounty hunter headquarters ASAP if you're

14:29

taking a drink I need you to down

14:31

that in one go and get over here

14:35

one go that would

14:37

be pretty cool but

14:41

I'm on the job and he he

14:43

places the completely

14:45

full 24 ounce beverage right

14:47

back on the bar and gets out of

14:49

there wow what

14:52

a shot and from there the

14:54

camera leaves the bar with him

14:56

but instead of following him it takes us now

14:59

into a dark alley full of

15:01

flaming trash piles of

15:04

oh yuck nothing

15:06

good happens in an alley like this two

15:08

rats 69 each other tumble

15:10

across the hour as

15:13

a large German expressionist shadow

15:15

form a monster no idiot

15:19

Jesus be patient I'm building a mood

15:21

here you fucking Yoko that's

15:23

you no not only is

15:25

it not a monster it's just

15:28

a little old lady shadows

15:30

have a way of playing tricks like that which you know if you

15:32

were more patient this

15:35

little old lady looks lost she

15:37

was trying to take a shortcut through

15:40

an alley yes she

15:42

clutches her purse and hurries through

15:44

the alley before stopping and looking

15:46

at another massive shadow this

15:49

one belongs to a human a

15:51

human criminal dressed in black and

15:53

white horizontal stripes with a black

15:56

eye mask and a black beanie

15:58

yes he does that have five o'clock

16:01

shadow. He pulls a switchblade on

16:03

the little old lady and laughs. Well,

16:05

well, well, what do we

16:08

have here? Little old lady

16:10

lost away? Well, you

16:12

gotta pay the alletol. Hey,

16:15

the alletol! Shut up!

16:17

Hand over your purse and I'll

16:20

kill you nice and quick, real

16:22

painless like. Scream and

16:24

I'll kill you real slow. He

16:27

licks the knife. Oh, Jesus!

16:29

That's gonna hurt so bad when

16:31

I eat candy! Just

16:33

then, there's a rustling from one of

16:35

the trash cans that isn't on fire.

16:37

Carly, what exactly do

16:39

we see removing from the trash

16:42

cans? Branson,

16:44

we watch as two pointed ears

16:46

and a pair of thickly yellow

16:48

eyes appear under the trash can's

16:50

lid. They are attached to

16:52

a face, which brows enthusiastically at

16:54

the human criminal. It

16:57

rocks the trash can back

16:59

and forth, clearly caught on

17:01

something before knocking it.

17:03

This is either a skinny dog or

17:06

a stupid looking coyote, but it doesn't

17:08

matter which. What matters is

17:10

that this dog is carrying an enormous

17:12

sword in its mouth. The

17:14

sword is long, broad, and curves at its

17:16

hips like a lick of flame. There's

17:19

a large eyeball where the guard meets

17:21

the blade, pink and red like a

17:23

white rabbit. It rolls around

17:25

in its socket before fixing suddenly on the

17:27

robber and his prey. And possibly,

17:30

you hear a voice. Drent

17:32

the bag, you stink! The

17:35

criminal looks back and forth and goes,

17:38

I'm sure I'm just hearing things. I'll

17:40

make quick work on this little old

17:42

lady and this weird coyote

17:44

slash dog that's holding a massive weapon.

17:46

I'm still in charge here. And he

17:48

turns the switchblade on you and he

17:50

begins approaching. He turns back to the

17:52

old lady and says, don't move. You

17:54

wait there though. She obeys.

18:00

Actually trying to challenge me with that

18:02

dinky thing. You are funny.

18:05

And the dog is going to... No I'm not! And

18:07

then the dog is going to charge

18:10

this guy. And with

18:13

an upward motion, almost like

18:15

a shoryuken, slice him in half.

18:19

Could you make an attack roll on this man? I

18:21

sure can. Okay,

18:26

that was a natural 20. You

18:30

slice, you slice and you slash

18:32

this man in one clean slash.

18:35

Unfortunately, currently nothing

18:37

happens. The man laughs

18:39

boastfully. He says, hey, nothing

18:41

happened to me once. And

18:44

a white line forms diagonally, going from

18:46

the man's hip to his shoulder. And

18:48

the top half of him begins sliding

18:50

down. He goes, no! No! My

18:53

bottom diagonal! I needed that for being

18:55

alive! And he dies. The

19:00

little old lady looks at you and says, my

19:03

hero, thank you so much

19:05

for rescuing me, weird dog!

19:08

Beat it, bitch! I'm taking this bag!

19:11

What?! Why,

19:14

why, I have half of my... Oh,

19:16

oh, bother! And she turns and she high

19:18

tails it out of the alley. I'm

19:21

swearing off alleys forever! Who's

19:24

a good boy? Who's a sweet

19:27

little boy? And the dog

19:29

is wagging its tail and we realize,

19:31

if there was ever any questions, that

19:33

we're hearing the voice of the sword.

19:36

Her name is the Edge of Madness, but

19:39

you can call her Ejika. The

19:41

dog dutifully trots over and tries

19:44

to wiggle its snout, still clutching

19:46

the sword under

19:48

the shoulder straps of the bag. No,

19:51

you have to put me down first. Yeah,

19:54

the dog's just like wagging its tail, it's so excited.

19:57

Put me down! Put me

19:59

down first! for us on the ground. No,

20:01

don't get don't look for

20:04

candy. Just grab the bag. Now

20:06

that it's heard candy, the dog is just like looking for

20:09

candy all over. Go

20:11

back to the bag. The

20:14

dog goes back to the

20:16

bag, places educate down right

20:18

next to the purse and then starts

20:20

nosing through the purse. Branson, what did

20:22

he find? 100%

20:25

pure cocaine. Is

20:29

it just loose in there? It's just

20:31

it's packed. It's to the brim. It's full.

20:33

Okay, this little lady

20:36

was so innocent after all. She

20:39

was looking to get that

20:41

lethally high. The

20:47

dog turns to Ejica with

20:49

white all over its snoot and she's like,

20:52

Oh boy, you're gonna be a real

20:54

trip today, aren't you? Yeah, the

20:56

dog's just like running in circles and running in

20:58

circles and like pitching its app to

21:01

you and just like running in circles over and

21:03

over and over being like we can do a

21:05

web series just like over and over and over

21:07

again. It's getting really tedious, you know, and

21:10

as you hear a voice, you

21:13

know, this is coming from the dog skull, but you

21:15

are you are linked to this dog and you hear

21:17

this voice. Ejica,

21:19

we got a big score. You're

21:21

needed at bounty hunter headquarters. Okay,

21:24

do you want some cocaine? Alright,

21:29

we'll see what we can do. Ejica

21:32

kind of like vibrates on the floor. And it

21:35

sounds a little bit like a tuning fork has

21:37

been struck. And that alerts

21:39

the dog to come back and fetch her. And

21:43

the cocaine. The dog

21:45

grabs you and the cocaine and

21:47

takes off. The camera

21:49

has had enough of this however,

21:52

and takes us across town to

21:54

historic Piss Harbor, where

21:56

the buildings are especially flammable.

22:00

Historic Piss Harbor is organized around

22:02

one wide main street, paved with

22:04

dirt. Saloons and general

22:06

stores shudder their windows as two

22:09

figures step out into the street.

22:12

It's midnight, or as they call it here

22:14

in Historic Piss Harbor, low noon.

22:17

Cowers gulp and jump into barrels, poking

22:19

a single eye out of the barrel

22:21

holes and looking back and forth. Like

22:24

four different guys do this. It's

22:26

insane. Little

22:29

ladies with their hair done up

22:32

in the most out-of-date styles look

22:34

down on the main street from

22:36

second-story balconies before averting their eyes

22:38

and covering their faces with huge

22:40

fans. We see one of

22:42

the figures as he steps out into the light.

22:45

This is El Chupacabra, a

22:47

thin tarantula man, dressed all

22:49

in black with an ominous black

22:52

hat and an enormous brown

22:54

Yosemite Sam mustache. He

22:56

flexes his, like, eighty fingers

22:58

as his gun catches the light.

23:01

That's right, there's guns now. For

23:03

anybody checking in with the new campaign like, oh,

23:05

did Branson ever learn D&D? No. In

23:09

fact, it's somehow gotten way worse.

23:11

I've given them guns in a

23:13

campaign set in the past. Will

23:15

I ever explain the discrepancy? Fuck

23:18

no. My energy isn't

23:20

changing. Get on board. The

23:24

tarantula man smiles and a gold

23:26

tooth glimmers in the light. He

23:28

blows a kiss to one of the women

23:30

on the balcony, but she gives a oof

23:32

and looks away. He shrugs

23:34

before turning to the other figure. Tell

23:37

me, Tim. Who does he see? He

23:40

sees Tommy Whistle, a frogman, skinny as

23:43

a prince, and the classic cowboy garb

23:45

that you might remember from that character

23:47

from Dracula who isn't inputting all the

23:50

adaptations because yeah, there was a cowboy

23:52

in Dracula. He's as lonely

23:54

as a cactus who turned off all the

23:56

stand around and be his personality. His

24:00

froggy fingers rattle over

24:03

his cowboy gun in his holster. El

24:09

Chupacabra looks you up and down, and

24:12

in a voice obviously dubbed, he

24:15

says, Well

24:17

Tommy Whittle, it seems that you and I are at

24:19

an impasse. Prepare to die, my friend. El

24:23

Chupacabra, is there nothing we can say

24:25

to make you turn around? I don't

24:27

want to have to do this. He

24:29

bows his cowboy hat, especially

24:31

with children all around. There

24:34

are children in the street hitting wooden hoops

24:36

with sticks. You see

24:39

there's a child with like an El

24:41

Chupacabra shirt, just like

24:43

a big t-shirt, and he's selling it to other

24:45

kids. It's like a rip-off El Chupacabra shirt. These

24:48

kids don't want to see anyone

24:50

die, especially by a cowboy's hand.

24:53

And I believe in the power

24:55

of the cowboy to inspire the children.

24:57

It's one of the things I believe

25:00

more than anything in the world.

25:02

El Chupacabra spits

25:04

into a spittoon, exploding it. He looks

25:06

you up and down, and he says, No,

25:10

my old rival, the time for talking is over. You

25:12

and I are at an impasse. One of us is going

25:14

to die here today, ha ha. Well,

25:23

I can't believe that's something you found funny. But

25:26

everyone's got a different sense of humor I've

25:28

learned on these roads. When

25:31

I've cowboyed all around this piss harbor,

25:33

I've learned that humor styles vary as

25:35

the petals of flowers. No, the time

25:37

for talk is done,

25:39

and the time for action has begun. Now we need to stand back

25:41

to back and walk ten paces. Once

25:44

we walk ten paces, we'll turn around and fire at each other.

25:46

Whoever fires first gives up their shot. That is it. Then

25:49

the second one is allowed to go. That is how a duel works. Branson,

25:52

sorry, I just have to push in and ask, how much

25:54

mouth movement is happening? Very

25:56

little. Yeah, okay, great. You're

25:58

just seeing the mustache just sort of... of like moving up and

26:00

down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The

26:04

animators, thank you. Tommy Whistle

26:06

turns around and walks backwards. It's

26:08

like moonwalk, it's like when you

26:10

first see a kid who learned how to moonwalk, and

26:13

it's like it's clear that he got it in his

26:15

bedroom, but he isn't getting it right

26:17

in front of you. Yeah, it's a little different

26:19

out on the street. Until

26:22

he feels the back of El Chupacabra.

26:24

His hands grip the air around his

26:26

pistol, his back straightens up. His

26:30

cowboy hat dips right over his

26:32

eyes. A large vulture

26:35

birdman dressed like a mortician, he measures

26:37

you. He gets your full height, he's

26:40

measuring you for a coffin. He

26:44

says to both of you, walk ten paces,

26:46

then turn and fire. One,

26:50

two, three, four,

26:55

five, six, seven. Seven,

26:58

and on seven, you

27:01

feel a breeze as you hear a

27:03

gunshot, and your white

27:05

hat is knocked forward. Following

27:09

the momentum of the falling hat, Tommy

27:11

Whistle catches the hat, puts

27:13

it back on his head, and spins around

27:15

his revolver in hand. He fires,

27:18

and then you see, like

27:20

a pinball, the bullet bounce off one eye,

27:22

the other eye, the other eye, the other

27:24

eye, the other eye, the other eye, the

27:26

other eye, the other eye, the other eye.

27:28

Until seven out of eight eyes have a

27:30

huge X on it. Tommy

27:33

Whistle goes, seven

27:35

out of eight, just shy

27:37

of an A plus. He opens

27:39

his mouth even wider as his tongue

27:42

falls into his hand, wrapped

27:44

like a cable from a

27:47

music producer. It's his lasso.

27:49

He swings it around and

27:52

throws it, pulling a partially

27:54

blind El Chupacabra to the dirt.

27:57

Oh no, but I thought I would win because I cheated. Don't

28:01

you see? Cheating won't get you nowhere out

28:04

here in Pierce Harbor. And that's

28:06

because everybody cheats.

28:09

And so, because if you cheat and everyone cheats,

28:11

that means there is no real cheating. Which

28:14

is something I've said to myself many a

28:16

time. So I try to stick out and

28:18

do the one thing that cheaters don't believe

28:20

in. Following the rules. El

28:23

Chupacabra gives you, with his one remaining

28:25

eye, his soon to be seven eye

28:27

patches on his head. With his one

28:29

remaining eye, he gives you a stink

28:31

eye and he says, Tommy Whistle,

28:33

you've made a powerful enemy on this day. The

28:36

man who shoots El Chupacabra and leaves him alive

28:38

understands nothing of El Chupacabra. One day I will

28:40

come for you. You have made a powerful rival

28:42

of me. I will be the one who kills

28:44

you one day. But as of today, you have

28:46

won. Congratulations. Tommy

28:49

Whistle bows his head, respectful of

28:51

the threat. He then throws one

28:53

of his legs over a roadrunner

28:55

the size of an ostrich. Come

28:58

on, hun. Let's go home.

29:02

The roadrunner, it bats its foot like

29:04

a horse on the ground and

29:07

it gets ready to run. But before it runs

29:09

at dizzying speeds, you hear a voice in the

29:11

back of your head. Tommy

29:13

Whistle, Tommy Whistle, come here. I'll

29:16

miss moonlight, ma'am, at

29:18

your service. Tommy Whistle, we've

29:20

got a big bounty with your name on it.

29:22

Come to the bounty hunter headquarters. Are you stopped?

29:25

Unless you're busy. I

29:28

ain't busy. I'm never busy.

29:30

I'm the most lonesome man in the

29:33

world. He starts clapping

29:35

away. My rifle

29:37

pony and me, my

29:39

rifle pony and me.

29:44

Our camera pulls away. It's frankly

29:46

sick of seeing the various labored

29:48

genre pastiches of urban squalor at

29:50

this point. And it decides to

29:52

take us now to see how

29:54

the other half lives. We glide

29:56

across the water, seeing the reflection of

29:59

the lights. before tilting up to see

30:01

the real thing. Folks, this is

30:04

the glitzy Piss Harbor waterfront. This

30:06

is where the movers and shakers

30:09

of Piss Harbor make their sleazy

30:11

deal. A man in

30:13

a completely white suit with an

30:15

open black dress shirt, revealing a

30:18

perfect Greek amount of chest hair,

30:20

sits on a glass balcony playing

30:22

glass chest by himself, symbolically. It

30:25

symbolizes how little he thinks of the

30:27

people down below him. But also, he's

30:29

suffering from cocaine mania, which is why

30:32

he's playing chess by himself. The

30:34

camera moves past him to

30:36

a luxury apartment building flanked

30:38

by preposterously tall palm trees.

30:41

Pick the asses on the roof of the

30:43

building, aim out into the night like

30:45

searchlights. This is the two

30:47

seasons, because baby, it's always spring

30:50

and summer here. There's even a

30:52

Johnny Rockets on the ground level.

30:54

Wow. We

30:56

zoom in, we zoom

30:58

into a pet house suite, smashing the

31:00

window with our camera. Oops. Luckily,

31:02

the characters in the scene never

31:04

break or even mention the glass

31:07

everywhere. And we can use this

31:09

take. What prose? The

31:11

entire apartment seems to be designed

31:13

and decorated by somebody who was

31:15

told they'll get the electric chair if

31:17

they don't evoke Miami. Glass

31:20

with half walls and art

31:22

deco lighting fixtures with large

31:24

tropical plants. A

31:26

white couch on a sea foam green

31:28

carpet with a glass coffee table. We

31:31

see a beautiful elf woman with a

31:33

platinum blonde perm emerging from the bathroom

31:35

in a pastel pink robe. She

31:38

smokes a post-coital cigarette, walks past

31:40

the jewel toned clamshell bed

31:42

and looks out over the water. Oh,

31:45

Moose, we have to stop

31:47

doing this. I'm the beautiful

31:49

but emotionally neglected wife of a large

31:52

crime boss. And you're just a rakish

31:54

con man with a heart of gold.

31:57

It'll never work. So, who's- What

32:00

is she talking to? Franson,

32:02

tall, dark and handsome calls. And

32:05

they're pissed, because it seems short is

32:07

in season. Three

32:09

feet tall and three feet wide. Is

32:12

he three feet? Yeah.

32:18

I wish he was an

32:20

amazing cube. The

32:26

man known only as Moose fills each of

32:28

his 37 and a half inches with charm.

32:32

He's got red hair, slipped all

32:34

the way back, and a crisp

32:36

red dwarven beard, slipped all the

32:38

way down. Right now

32:41

he's wearing a purple smoking jacket, but

32:43

Moose wears a lot of hats and a lot of clothes.

32:45

He's a bit of a con man, you see, but not

32:48

to you. He'd never lie to you. He

32:51

looks up at that beautiful elf woman and he

32:53

says, Look baby,

32:56

we love having sex. I

32:59

know. It's our main point of

33:01

connection. It's really what we bond over,

33:04

and she fiddles with her wedding

33:06

ring. It's just

33:09

my husband. He's a powerful and

33:11

dangerous man, and I'm just worried about

33:13

what's going to happen if he catches

33:15

us. You don't think

33:17

I'd protect you? I

33:20

mean, it's not that. I think you try.

33:22

I think my husband will kill you. No.

33:27

Oh yes, yes. Oh no. It's happened

33:29

before. Baby, I've

33:32

been through a few scrapes in my day. I know you see

33:34

the softer side of old

33:37

Moose, but no Moose knows how to

33:39

handle himself. I'm just saying,

33:42

you're not the first rake I've been with. I

33:44

cheat on my husband all the time. A lot of marriage. You

33:48

don't connect. And he's

33:50

killed them every time he's caught them. I'm just worried for you. And

33:53

you're definitely not leaving him. No,

33:57

the power, the wealth. I

34:00

mean, great place. It's seductive,

34:02

right? Yes, yes. Oh,

34:06

baby. I

34:08

don't know. Sometimes I can't

34:10

get enough of what isn't good for me. You

34:12

know what I mean? I

34:14

know the feeling. I know it all

34:16

too well. And as she says that, the front

34:18

door, you hear a creak as the front door begins

34:21

to open. Oh no,

34:23

my husband, the crime boss, Terry

34:25

Sertry. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

34:27

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Quit,

34:30

baby, out of my arms. She

34:34

leaps from your arms and, like Princess

34:36

Peach, like her down, just catches the

34:38

air and she floats down gently. Hide,

34:40

hide. No, you don't get it,

34:43

baby. What's your name again? Oh,

34:45

my, wow. Ha ha ha ha

34:48

ha. Well, my name. My

34:50

name is Rebecca yesterday. That's right, I kept

34:52

my own name. How silly of

34:54

me to have forgotten. Becky, don't

34:57

worry, I'm not one to

34:59

hide, I just... I

35:02

do what I can. And Moose

35:04

is gonna grab some, like, bedsheets that have

35:06

been tossed aside on the floor,

35:10

and he's going to grab them and he's going to

35:12

sort of, like, with incredible speed,

35:14

dizzying speed even, he sort of, like,

35:16

wraps them up around himself and sashes

35:18

them into a sort of chef's jacket.

35:21

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

35:23

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Okay, great, great, great. And

35:25

he stands there proudly. The

35:27

door is almost halfway open now. Ha ha ha

35:29

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

35:32

ha ha ha ha ha And you

35:34

see a large, a large man with

35:36

multiple wings on his finger. He's completely

35:38

tan, he's artificially tanned, and he wears

35:40

dark sunglasses even though it's nighttime. He

35:43

has a receding hairline and he smokes

35:45

a stogie even though he's indoors. He

35:47

walks in and he says, what

35:50

is going on here? My name is

35:52

Terry Surgery, the crime boss. Ha

35:55

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

35:57

ha ha ha ha Mr. Surgery, I've heard so much

35:59

about you. I'm a

36:01

chef who's been preparing

36:03

a dish for

36:05

your wife. In

36:09

our apartment in the middle of the night?

36:13

Hey, you've never enjoyed a midnight snack?

36:15

No, I have, but it's just that you... I

36:17

would have thought I would have hired you or

36:19

something. You would be on my payroll, I've never

36:21

heard of you. It's the middle of the night.

36:24

It smells like sex in here, I gotta say. Terry,

36:31

can I call you Terry? No! Terry,

36:34

Terry, this was a bit of an audition. Can

36:38

you make a disguise role for me? Yeah.

36:43

Um, that's a four? Okay,

36:46

so I knew there were some bad rules

36:48

out there. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He

36:50

looks you up and down. They

36:52

asked you to exist, right? He

36:54

looks you up and down, he says, wait a second. And

36:58

he looks at the bed, and he looks back at

37:00

you, and he says, chefs don't

37:02

wear bedsheets. And

37:04

he grabs the sheets and he pulls it off of you and he

37:06

says, Mooce? And

37:12

Mooce like, holds his hands up to his face and like,

37:14

rubs his eyes and he goes, Terry! What

37:19

the hell? Give me one good reason not

37:22

to... What the hell? What the hell yourself?

37:24

It's been ages. I

37:26

agree, it's been a... I thought I had

37:28

you killed. How are ya? I

37:33

mean, bad. I'm bad. I just walked

37:36

in on an affair, an obvious affair, and you

37:38

tried to lie about it. Oh,

37:40

relationships are such a pain. I know

37:42

how it is, my man. Tell

37:45

you what, why don't you have a drink? Fairs

37:48

fair? Why don't we both have a

37:50

drink before I kill ya? Well,

37:53

let's focus on that first part, the drink. And

37:56

he pours three drinks. And no, actually

37:58

Mooce goes over. Terry confidently

38:00

goes over, he knows this liquor cabinet

38:02

extremely well, and

38:05

he quickly fixes three old fashions.

38:09

Three old fashions? You know,

38:11

I'm a bit of an old-fashioned man myself.

38:13

When I find someone having an affair with

38:15

my wife, I kill him. That

38:20

reminds me of the old days. Terry, don't you

38:22

remember all those crazy times we

38:24

had down on the docks? How

38:27

could I forget? We went up through

38:29

con-man school together, we were best friends until

38:31

I became a crime boss and you became

38:33

a rakish con-man with a heart of gold.

38:36

And now here we are after all these

38:38

years, reconnecting. Say you're right. It

38:41

has been a long time. Sometimes

38:44

I wish those days would... I don't

38:46

know, I miss them. I've got all the power

38:48

in the world, but what has it brought me? A wife

38:50

who doesn't love me? Oh, but she likes

38:52

the power, I imagine. Oh she

38:54

loves that. Oh, we communicate very well about

38:56

why she's here and why she stays. She

38:58

nods. Look,

39:01

she has her affairs. That's

39:03

her business. It's my business to kill the

39:05

guy when I catch him. That's just how we do it.

39:10

So what are you doing here drinking? You gotta go catch

39:12

him. What

39:15

do you mean? Wait, that's what I'm

39:17

trying to tell you, Terry. That's why I was sitting

39:19

you down to have this drink. You're right. You

39:22

walked in here and yes, there was an affair

39:24

going on. And the other man,

39:26

why, he bolted. But, but,

39:28

but, and he takes the shit... Most of the old fashioned

39:30

is gone at this point and he just... He rubs his

39:32

eyes and he goes, oh, where did he go? I

39:35

don't know. He was kind of a... And

39:37

Moose is just searching. Moose is searching for any details

39:39

he can. He says, I think he was some kind

39:42

of frog man. Frog

39:44

man. Frog man. All right,

39:46

good. Good to know. Good

39:48

to know. He puts a hand on your shoulder. He goes, thank you, Moose. You

39:51

might've saved a marriage tonight. Terry,

39:55

for you, for an old buddy

39:57

anytime. He nods. and

40:00

he snaps and two of his goons

40:02

walk in through the closet. They

40:05

had been hiding in the closet the entire

40:07

time. Two large goons walk in

40:09

and he whispers to them, frogman,

40:13

kill on sight. They

40:15

nod and they leave. He

40:18

turns back to you and goes, can I interest you in

40:20

another drink? But as he does, you hear a voice in

40:22

the back of your head. Move,

40:24

move, come in. Uh,

40:27

uh, yes. I'm

40:30

a little busy right now. We got a huge

40:32

score. Oh, you're busy? No,

40:35

no, no, it's fine. I'll take it. I just

40:37

really look at it for you. Just give me one second.

40:39

Okay. Moose

40:41

looks up at Terry and Rebecca and sort of like

40:43

puts up a finger. Just, oh, just one second. And

40:45

then he just looks down very seriously and

40:48

his eyes are moving rapidly but

40:51

not making any eye contact. Big

40:53

score. Oh yeah, big one. No,

40:57

no, I'm in. I could use the cash. Oh

40:59

fantastic. All right, meet me at bounty hunter

41:01

headquarters. There's a lot of them. Great, okay.

41:04

Listen, friends, it's been so great to catch

41:06

up. We should do, we should get together

41:09

more often. You can see

41:11

they're already deep in conversation and

41:13

she's pointing out a book to

41:15

Terry and he's looking at it and he's not,

41:17

he's looking at the book, She Comes First and

41:19

he's nodding just like with

41:22

like understanding now. Really looks like you might've

41:24

fixed this marriage and they sort

41:26

of wave you out. Well,

41:30

Moose, it happened again. You old

41:34

nut and he walks out

41:36

proudly practically

41:39

naked. And

41:42

out he walks, but we don't follow him. I

41:45

mean, we sort of do, but really what we do is we

41:47

cut now to the

41:49

Moonlight Value Bounties headquarters.

41:53

A location so secret and so

41:55

stupidly named that not even our

41:58

famously tight-lipped listeners can know. where

42:00

it is. Sorry. You

42:02

all find yourselves in a luggage

42:04

room that looks somewhere between an

42:06

AA meeting room and a cafeteria

42:08

that God forgot. Which is to

42:10

say, it looks exactly like an

42:12

AA meeting room. You

42:14

sit on an uncomfortable plastic and metal

42:17

school chair. Or multiple

42:19

school chairs. All of you sit on individual

42:21

school chairs. For those of you who drink

42:23

coffee, you nurse room temperature coffees and paper

42:25

cups that brag about how delighted they are

42:28

to serve you on the side of them.

42:30

Fluorescent pixie-ass slippers.

42:33

An enormous half-elf, half-orc,

42:35

all-woman with feathered black

42:37

hair walks out. Hey

42:40

Garz. Hello bounty

42:42

hunters. Most

42:44

of you already know me, but

42:46

for one of you and the

42:48

audience at home, my name is

42:50

Maybelline Moonlight. I'm your

42:52

bounty hunter commissioner. The

42:54

rules are simple. I

42:56

give you a target. You bounty hunt

42:58

them, and then you bring them

43:00

to me to collect your

43:02

bounty, minus my 10% commission.

43:05

Any questions? Good.

43:08

She clicks on the head of

43:10

a visually wired kenku and a

43:12

painting of a human man dressed in

43:15

outrageous party attire appears on the

43:17

wall. He has

43:19

close-cropped bleached hair, large bono-style

43:21

sunglasses, and wears a mesh

43:23

t-shirt under an open Hawaiian

43:26

shirt with bright pink camouflage

43:28

parachute pants. The kind one

43:30

might wear if they needed to disguise

43:32

their lower body in a pile of

43:34

murdered flamingos. Your

43:36

bounty is a human man

43:39

known as Gunter von Hamstring,

43:41

aka Daddy's Boy. He's

43:44

wanted in 12 of Cordelia's

43:46

biggest cities for crimes which

43:48

include art theft, armed

43:51

robbery, and horse torture. He

43:54

uses a particular strategy to endear

43:56

himself to crime bosses, drug kingpins,

43:59

and police. political movers and shakers.

44:02

He poses as their son returning

44:04

home to make amends. Due

44:06

to the emotionally distant home life of

44:09

most powerful people, this plot has a

44:11

very high success rate. Simply

44:13

put, the powerful can't be 100% sure they

44:15

don't have a wayward son.

44:19

Daddy's boy was last seen around

44:21

Piss Harbor Waterfront. His bounty

44:23

is set as 400,000 gold,

44:26

which is pretty good. I

44:28

negotiated that up from 330,000 by the way, so don't come

44:32

for me when my 10% commission comes

44:35

into play. I already earned my cut.

44:37

We work for each other, okay? Okay,

44:41

good luck bounty hunters. Maybelline,

44:43

you know I don't like to hunt other

44:46

criminals. I know, I

44:48

know, but that's usually the only people who

44:50

are ever up for bounty, so that's sort

44:53

of the whole job, you know? I don't

44:55

know, sometimes I like to catch

44:58

a citizen, you

45:00

know? Sure, sure, and in one of the

45:03

episodes where there's a high bounty on a

45:05

citizen, you can go after them. But for

45:07

this introductory episode, you're going after a real

45:09

middle of the road, just like this is

45:12

how it works kind of guy.

45:14

Oh Maybell, you always know

45:16

just what to say. Kind of

45:18

like me, I suppose. Yeah, you

45:20

got a real silver tongue. Anyways,

45:24

Neil steps out of the shadow. What?

45:27

No introductions. Oh,

45:29

sorry, Neil. What the hell is this? What

45:31

the hell is this? Everyone, everyone, calm down,

45:33

calm down. Most of them already know each

45:35

other. Oh, folks, this

45:38

is the newest bounty hunter to

45:40

join the force. This is,

45:42

well, why don't you just introduce yourself?

45:45

My name's Neil. Like,

45:48

Neil Tagat. What is it? Neil? Neil?

45:51

Like, Jenny Prud? Well, you should know, it's your

45:53

name. You should know the pun

45:55

of your name. Neil, do you want to step

45:58

back into the shadows and figure this out? They

46:00

gotta step back out? Yeah, she steps

46:02

back in the shadow scowling. Okay,

46:04

I want everyone to remember, remember their

46:06

first day, remember how nervous they were. Maybelline,

46:09

can I pull you for a second? Yeah,

46:11

yeah. And Moose

46:13

takes Maybelline over to an opposite

46:16

corner and he says, Maybelline. Hey

46:18

Moose. You know, you know how I feel

46:21

about statues. Oh,

46:25

I should know that because we're ex-flames.

46:28

But that's all in the past now. We've

46:31

been bed together in what? Wheat. Wheat.

46:35

Sure, sometimes we'll get drunk and hook up,

46:37

but we're not officially an item anymore. No,

46:40

it's just kind of like, it happens. Oh,

46:43

it's a thing and we're cool, we're adults. We're

46:45

adults, but no, I forgot all about your

46:47

fear. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just, you

46:50

gotta, this person's really got the goods. I

46:52

think if you give them a chance, they

46:54

can prove themselves. Maybelline,

46:58

I'll do it for you, but only

47:00

because of our

47:02

complicated and long-standing relationship. Hey,

47:05

thanks. My name's

47:07

Neil, like Neil before

47:10

God. Wow. That's

47:17

right. I'm joining

47:19

your party and I'm gonna be an asset.

47:22

So, welcome, beef.

47:26

Nice to have you on board. I

47:29

suggest the first thing we do is

47:31

go on down to the docks, where

47:35

daddy's boy was last seen. Tommy

47:38

lifts one leg and swings

47:41

it over on top of his

47:43

Road Runner, Hun. It's

47:48

okay, girl, it's okay. Her

47:50

name's Hun, short for Hun-dred. I

47:55

represent all the many people I hope

47:57

to one day meet. You'll

48:02

get there someday, Tommy. And

48:04

Tommy, you should know

48:06

I've heard word on the street that Terry's

48:08

surgery is out there looking for a frogman.

48:10

You might want to watch your back. Terry's

48:13

surgery. I know him. He doesn't know

48:15

me, but I know his sins. Oh

48:18

yeah? Are you telling me

48:20

the crime lord confesses regularly?

48:23

And he's forgiven. Regularly.

48:26

Well that's messed up. Guys, I'm sorry.

48:28

I'm sorry. Maybelline Moonlight steps forward. She's

48:31

like, I'm just looking at the clock. You know you're

48:33

not the only bounty hunters in town, right? The Suck

48:35

brothers are all over this. Let's

48:37

go. Let's go. But I'll meet

48:39

you all there fast.

48:42

Tommy Whistle rears

48:44

back Hun and

48:46

then rears forward and Hun's legs

48:50

start spinning. Spinning. Spinning.

48:54

And then Hun leans forward and so it sort

48:56

of mimics the look of a motorcycle. And

48:59

then Tommy pulls down his

49:01

ten gallon hat and slides

49:03

open a screen. A black

49:05

screen. And he's out. And

49:10

right as you go, you freeze. There's

49:12

a freeze frame and we see text

49:14

underneath Hun that says Hun. And

49:17

then in Latin, short for 100. And

49:19

there's text next to you that

49:21

says Tommy Whistle. And

49:24

in Latin it says a hunted

49:26

frog. And then you keep going.

49:38

No we don't have children here. But

49:40

we've waited in line and have as much a right

49:42

to an audience with Santa Claus as anyone. Now let

49:44

us through to that lap. Santa Claus,

49:46

you work so hard. We want to

49:48

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51:49

won't shut up about all the trucks he wants.

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store. Before

52:40

you can say cab fare, our heroes have

52:42

made it to the Piss Harbor docks. Ah,

52:45

the docks. The smell of stale

52:47

saltwater and dead fish is overwhelming.

52:49

P.U. it stinks. But don't blame

52:51

me. Blame the season two of

52:53

the wire superfans who flooded our

52:55

pick a location pole. Democracy, baby.

52:57

It sucks ass. Branson,

53:00

uh, Moose is gonna, is gonna just do like

53:02

a quick scan of the docks. See if anything

53:04

seems unusual. He's spent a lot of time down

53:07

here. He knows the city inside and out. Yeah,

53:09

so you're looking around. Um, it looks pretty, you know,

53:11

you're down, you've been to the waterfront before. This is

53:13

the docks part of it though. This isn't quite

53:15

the like the, with a glamorous are. This is

53:17

more where, uh, where a lot of trade occurs.

53:20

But you've been here for sure.

53:22

Um, it, everything looks pretty normal. One

53:24

thing though, you do see a human

53:26

man moving crates. He's just

53:28

sort of whistling to himself in a

53:30

way a DM is unable to. Um,

53:32

not all mouths are shaped for a

53:35

witch. Or, I just don't know how to do it. He's

53:37

whistling to himself. Uh, it's

53:39

a mouth shape thing, maybe. Not a skill

53:41

issue. Um, it's, he's, he's whistling

53:43

to himself and he's moving crates. Uh,

53:47

Moose is gonna cross over to

53:49

the guy moving crates and as

53:51

he walks over confidently, Moose sees

53:53

a freshly dead orc, uh,

53:55

sailor and he grabs a pea coat and a, and

53:57

a little pipe off him and throws him on the

53:59

floor. There's

54:02

huge on you. It's just like trailing, it's

54:04

like a king's robe. He rolls up the

54:06

sleeves, and

54:08

he walks over to the crate man

54:11

and says, Ahoy. The

54:13

crate man turns around and says, Whoa, whoa,

54:16

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

54:18

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

54:20

whoa. The name is

54:22

Seahorse Sammy. Can you make

54:25

a disguise roll for me? Sixteen.

54:28

Sixteen. He looks you up and

54:30

down. He goes, Seahorse, I don't

54:32

know how long you've been doing this, but you got

54:35

to get a smaller coat. The

54:38

pipe is the exact right size, though. I

54:41

keep thinking it's going to shrink, but my

54:43

cleaner is very good. Hey,

54:46

I hear you. And he gestures to

54:48

his own sleeves, which are way too short. If

54:52

only we could somehow trade our sleeves,

54:54

friend. Yeah,

54:57

yeah, if we lived in a fantasy world,

54:59

but we don't, we live in the grim

55:01

real world. Hell, I just saw an orc

55:03

get killed. We dressed a little like you.

55:06

Shame. What do you want? Looking for

55:08

any newcomers down on the docks. Anyone

55:10

who, I don't know, looks like they

55:12

need a dad. Anyone

55:15

who looks like they... Yeah, you see, I've

55:17

been... Well, that's just an insane way

55:19

to put it. I mean, the newcomers, I can

55:21

roll with that. Everyone's a newcomer at the docks

55:23

for the most part. Listen to me. He's going

55:25

to grab you by the collar and pull you

55:27

close. Oh, my collar! Listen, I've

55:30

been thinking a lot about my wayward

55:33

son and how I

55:35

never got a chance to set things right. So

55:38

I just came down to the docks wondering if there

55:40

was anyone that, I don't know, fit that description. Someone

55:44

that was looking for a father figure. Yeah,

55:47

I actually think I might have seen a wayward

55:49

son come to think of it. But

55:53

I don't know, my ears, my eyes, they ain't as

55:55

good as they used to be. Maybe if I had

55:57

a little money to go to the doctor and buy

55:59

new eyeballs. I

56:03

don't know if I got eyeball money friend, but Maybe

56:06

I could help you arrange a coat

56:09

trade Nah, it could never happen

56:11

and moose begins to walk away Wait,

56:14

no, no, and he runs after you. Let's trade

56:16

coats. Let's trade coats. I'm a tall man and

56:22

And what and I know when the information over

56:24

the guy yeah, yeah. Oh, I saw a boy

56:26

all right I saw a boy that needs a

56:28

daddy, but terrible Where would

56:30

I find this boy? first

56:33

the coat Moose takes off

56:35

the coat Okay,

56:37

now they have the right size coats

56:39

on and they look good. They look

56:41

good. They fit so nice fashion show

56:43

fashion show Moose

56:47

pops the collar oh I

56:50

should have thought of that stupid stupid

56:54

All right, well nice. Oh, yeah the information.

56:56

Yeah. Oh, yeah Yeah, there

56:58

was there was there was a little boy

57:00

needed a daddy, but terrible He was out

57:02

here a while ago that he caught one

57:04

of the pleasure barges Not

57:07

but two maybe two and a

57:09

half hours ago He's

57:11

probably out in the middle of the bay right now

57:13

if I had to guess and he points out and

57:15

you see a pleasure Barge out in the middle of

57:18

the bay There's like pink and purple lights and like

57:20

pumping music coming from the boat I

57:22

would probably guess he's on that one the

57:24

only pleasure bars that's left Branson

57:27

are there any docked boats? Yeah,

57:30

there's a number of docked boats here. There's

57:32

schooners. There's little row boats. There's

57:34

a little sailboat There's

57:36

in fact. There's also there's a very large Sort

57:40

of like pirate ship II kind of boat. There's

57:42

also a speedboat Hmm

57:44

interesting moose turns back to his

57:46

new friend and says if you go back in

57:48

the alley behind that textile warehouse My mentor is

57:50

there and he can teach you how to pop

57:52

your collar Are you

57:54

no fooling? Why would

57:56

I fool? I mean you already

57:58

look so good, but Yeah,

58:00

but I can always look better. Okay. Yeah, yeah, you're

58:02

right. And he looks at the crates, only half of

58:05

which have been moved from one part of the dock

58:07

to the other. He goes, ah, the crates can wait!

58:10

And he runs off down to

58:12

the textile factory. And this

58:15

one's a diamond, and this one

58:17

is the instructions for the cards. Oh!

58:20

Hey! Hey! Hey,

58:22

it's the horses! Who's that? It's

58:25

Moose! Come over here! Did

58:28

you go shopping again? Dandy?

58:32

I know where to find our mark! Great! Uh,

58:35

the dog trot's over. There's no way

58:37

that's Moose. Pay

58:40

attention to what's under the coat. It's

58:42

the same guy. Okay!

58:46

If you're gonna be bounty hunting, you may

58:48

not see things beyond how they represent themselves.

58:51

For example, I may look like a cowboy,

58:53

but I'm actually also a frogman. I

58:56

know what you mean. Like how

58:58

behind closed doors, the mask

59:00

comes off. Exacto Mundo.

59:04

Moose is untying the boat from the dock, and

59:07

he's like, listen, friends, I

59:09

could get this bounty all by myself where

59:11

you could come. Uh,

59:13

the dog has already jumped into the water and

59:15

is paddling around the boat. Neil's

59:18

staring longingly at the dog's behavior.

59:22

Joe, could you describe the boat you picked? If

59:25

a boat ever made

59:27

you feel like you should smuggle cigarettes,

59:29

this is a boat. Yeah,

59:31

every boat makes me feel like that. No,

59:33

no, but this boat, it's like, it's

59:36

all bow. And there's just a little... Yo,

59:38

waking up in the morning makes me feel like that. It's

59:42

a speedboat. He picked a speedboat. Oh,

59:44

fuck yeah! I was hoping! Come

59:47

on! Moose is picking the

59:49

speedboat, baby. Yeah, it's

59:51

a stark white speedboat with...

59:53

It's got this sort of

59:55

squiggly teal and purple decals

59:57

on the side of it.

1:00:00

Oh, this thing looks built to move. Jonathan

1:00:03

Large clops his

1:00:05

way inside and plops his

1:00:08

little booty right

1:00:10

down in the aft of the boat. Ready

1:00:12

to go. Neil

1:00:14

Gingerly steps in as well. Neil,

1:00:17

you feel the boat like really when it takes

1:00:19

your weight. It's like, oh boy, you are made

1:00:21

of stone. You're acutely aware

1:00:23

of how deep those waters are.

1:00:26

And so tempting too. Tommy

1:00:29

leaps over the boat and then

1:00:32

midway right on the very top

1:00:34

of the boat, right over it, he

1:00:36

then shoots out of his cowboy costume

1:00:38

and the cowboy costume still lingers in

1:00:40

the air as he naked dives in

1:00:42

the water doing a flip spinning on

1:00:44

the other side of the boat until

1:00:46

he dives back up into the costume,

1:00:49

landing back onto the speedboat. For

1:00:52

a second, you all saw him naked, you little freaks.

1:00:55

Well, no, no, hold on, hold on. I

1:00:57

want to do two things are true here.

1:00:59

You need to make a dexterity roll and

1:01:01

you fucking pervert. You saw someone naked. If

1:01:05

someone gets naked in front of you and

1:01:07

you see it, you're in the wrong. Exacta

1:01:10

Mundo. Critical

1:01:14

fail. Critical fail.

1:01:17

OK, you get stuck in the propellers. Yeah,

1:01:20

Tommy, you jump up into the air. And

1:01:23

for reasons unclear to you, you just become

1:01:25

naked and you fall on your face right

1:01:27

into the boat and gently all of your

1:01:29

cowboy clothes just settle on top of you

1:01:32

and everyone sees your side. But

1:01:35

not for long because in that moment,

1:01:37

Moose hits the cast and the boat

1:01:39

goes flying off, leaving the clothes behind.

1:01:42

Yeah, he's naked all episode. Leaving

1:01:45

all the clothes except he reaches and can

1:01:47

only grab his 10 gallon hat and his

1:01:49

holster with his pistol. Oh,

1:01:52

great. So you look like a cowboy stripper gram. You've

1:01:55

got a naked cowboy. Hun grabs

1:01:57

the rest of your clothes from

1:01:59

the water. and waits at

1:02:02

the dock safely. We don't

1:02:04

have to worry about Han as the

1:02:06

boat speeds off, but as you speed

1:02:08

off, suddenly you come to a horrible

1:02:10

halt and Moot, the

1:02:13

boat was anchored. The

1:02:16

boat is slammed on its own brakes. You are connected

1:02:19

to an anchor. You see a note

1:02:21

attached to the anchor that it holds the boat

1:02:23

and you hear the engine revving. You're not

1:02:25

getting any closer. There's a little note tied

1:02:27

to the anchor and it says,

1:02:32

good luck, assholes, courtesy of the

1:02:34

stock of rovers. No!

1:02:37

No! Ejica

1:02:39

is still in the water with her

1:02:41

dog and she's like,

1:02:43

I'll handle this. And

1:02:46

she's coaching the dog to get towards the anchor. She's

1:02:48

like, yes, the shiny thing, the

1:02:50

shiny, yes. Go for

1:02:52

the shine. The dog swims

1:02:54

over and for

1:02:56

the first time, we see that Ejica

1:02:59

is no mere possessed

1:03:01

blade. She also

1:03:04

has magical powers. And

1:03:06

she is going to use them to

1:03:08

heat the metal of her blade

1:03:11

and slice through the

1:03:14

chain of the anchor. It's

1:03:17

an anchor chain and you're cutting, it

1:03:19

wouldn't work if you weren't heated up in boiling

1:03:21

water all around you. The bubbles are rising up.

1:03:23

There's a glow coming from the blade as you

1:03:25

begin sawing into it over and over and over

1:03:27

again. It's taking a second, the first part of

1:03:30

it, it's snapped. You're getting there,

1:03:32

you're doing it. And finally, finally

1:03:34

you get through it. Amazing.

1:03:37

The dog's gonna go, that, that, that, and

1:03:40

climb onto the deck of the boat

1:03:42

just before it takes off. Great,

1:03:45

just by the skin of your teeth, you make it

1:03:47

out of the boat. The boat is, the engine had

1:03:49

never been turned off and it just takes off finally.

1:03:52

And you are sailing through Piss

1:03:55

Harbor down the bay into

1:03:58

darker and sharp, chow. your

1:04:00

waters as you're getting closer and closer to this

1:04:02

party boat. Moose is going

1:04:04

to like fish under

1:04:06

the wheel and pull out like a compartment

1:04:09

that says property

1:04:12

of Terry surgery on it and he's going to open

1:04:14

it up and inside there's a there's a change of

1:04:16

clothes and he's going to toss it to

1:04:18

Tommy Whistle and say here you go bud. Nah

1:04:22

I follow the rules I

1:04:24

lost my clothes through my own misdeeds

1:04:26

and I must stand in holy

1:04:30

nakedness as the Lord

1:04:32

intended because of what I done. Tommy

1:04:35

what do you think is the is the is the

1:04:37

worst rule to break? Not

1:04:41

borrowing someone's clothes or public

1:04:43

indecency? There ain't

1:04:45

nothing there ain't nothing decent about piss

1:04:48

harbor I'm just along with the crowd

1:04:50

on this one. I

1:04:52

said Tim is just invincibly naked no one

1:04:54

can talk about this. It's

1:04:57

kind of I mean it's a better design

1:05:00

than just having him in a cowboy suit.

1:05:02

I am not scolding you if ever I

1:05:04

have been on your side. It

1:05:08

is a naked frog man with a holster and a

1:05:10

10 gallon hat that's what I needed to do this

1:05:13

whole time. I respect

1:05:15

it says Neil and you look at Neil and

1:05:17

realize Neil is also basically naked except

1:05:19

she did find a life jacket. There's

1:05:23

a drone shot just sort of circling the

1:05:25

boat as cool music plays as you tear

1:05:27

off through the night towards the party

1:05:29

barge. It's getting

1:05:31

closer and closer and you have a steering

1:05:33

wheel wanting to. How

1:05:36

close am I? You got

1:05:38

closer by the second. In fact they're going too fast

1:05:40

now it looks like there's going to be an impact

1:05:42

if you don't move quick. I cut the engines and

1:05:44

and and do like a you know do like an

1:05:46

Akira slide up to the edge of the party barge.

1:05:50

Make a charisma roll. Yeah that's a 23. A 23? Yeah

1:05:52

you do it there's even like

1:05:54

the trailing

1:05:58

tail lights like it's real. and super near

1:06:00

and stuff. You put your foot out and

1:06:02

it's like on the water. You

1:06:07

really do, you pull up right alongside the

1:06:10

party boat. There's loud, there's

1:06:13

raucous music coming from inside. There's

1:06:15

searchlights looking all around. There's pink,

1:06:17

purple, neon green lights coming from

1:06:20

inside the boat. This is a

1:06:22

large boat. This is a, this

1:06:24

is very big. This looks like

1:06:26

it could eat comfortably. This is

1:06:28

like a, this is

1:06:30

a medium large yacht is what

1:06:32

I would describe it. It's very, very

1:06:35

modern, very white in

1:06:38

its exteriors, very pristine,

1:06:40

clean looking yacht. A

1:06:43

lot of loud music coming from inside.

1:06:45

You're around the edge of it now

1:06:47

and you can see there's partiers just

1:06:49

sort of like grinding on each other

1:06:51

to the beautiful 70s rock. Is

1:06:54

there like, is there like a porthole cracked open

1:06:56

or a rope ladder that we could climb up

1:06:58

or some kind of weight? There is a boat. There

1:07:01

is, there is like sort of no sort of that.

1:07:03

There is like maybe a ladder, but it's already extended

1:07:05

up. I don't know how you guys are going to

1:07:07

get up onto this boat. Tommy

1:07:09

Whistle opens his mouth and into

1:07:12

his hand falls a perfectly wrapped

1:07:14

tongue in the style of the

1:07:16

cable from the music producer. Every

1:07:19

time. It says lasso. He

1:07:22

lasso's up the end of it

1:07:24

and starts spinning, spinning, spinning and

1:07:26

throws his tongue out into the

1:07:28

nearest thing

1:07:31

that it could be wrapped around on top

1:07:33

of the boat. Okay. Yeah,

1:07:35

that's, that's one of the party goers. So

1:07:38

you, you grab one of the party goers and

1:07:41

you pull on your tongue and they're pulled

1:07:43

to the edge of the rail. They go, whoa, and they're pulled

1:07:45

up against the edge of it. But

1:07:47

you have, you have purchased. Quickly,

1:07:50

everyone climb up my tongue. Tommy,

1:07:52

I swear to God. I hate

1:07:56

it every time you do

1:07:58

this. This is a

1:08:00

terrible thing that you do. Hey,

1:08:03

if you want, you can clip-clop up the

1:08:05

tongue with your nimble hooves. If you don't

1:08:08

want to use your upper body strength. Cause

1:08:10

right, you don't have enough upper body strength

1:08:12

to climb up my tongue. Is that what

1:08:14

you're saying, Jonathan? The party goer that you're

1:08:16

attached to from up above says, I'm dying!

1:08:20

How dare you challenge

1:08:23

the strength of my

1:08:25

torso shoulders and arms!

1:08:28

Jonathan Large regretfully

1:08:30

goes hand over hand

1:08:33

climbing Tommy's slick

1:08:37

tongue. It's slippery,

1:08:39

but you've done this before.

1:08:41

You said you hated it, which means you've done

1:08:43

it before. You already had an opinion. You know

1:08:46

how to do this. You're grabbing the taste buds

1:08:48

and you're climbing up this tongue correctly.

1:08:50

You get up there easily. Everyone

1:08:53

else, can you make very quick strength rolls for me?

1:08:56

I got an 18 and I'm going to

1:08:58

say Neil was the stabilizing factor on at

1:09:00

least one grappling hook in her day. And

1:09:02

so she sort of had studied the method

1:09:05

and knew quickly how to move up that rope. That's

1:09:08

really smart. Joe, what are we looking

1:09:10

at? We're looking at a

1:09:12

healthy seven. A healthy

1:09:14

seven. You really struggle. You have been

1:09:16

very cool. You've been a real ace

1:09:19

this entire episode. You look like shit

1:09:21

climbing up that tongue. I

1:09:23

haven't held a tongue like this since earlier

1:09:26

tonight. Oh, oh, oh,

1:09:29

this guy's fuck. I

1:09:33

got a critical fail. Uh,

1:09:36

Ejica, the dog, it's still a little up.

1:09:38

It's still very, I was a whole bag full, a whole

1:09:40

purse full of cooking. It's up.

1:09:42

It's going to be up for days. In

1:09:45

fact, the dog just like, yeah, it like

1:09:47

runs up the tongue easily, leaving you back

1:09:49

down on the ground. It's just you and

1:09:52

Ejica, the sword back on the boat now. What

1:09:54

are you going to do, Tommy? Shit.

1:09:57

Oh, damn. Not again.

1:10:00

He reaches down and picks up.

1:10:02

He says Miss madness I'll

1:10:05

hold you for as long as I

1:10:07

can but please let me keep my

1:10:09

sense of self without me understanding who

1:10:12

I am I wouldn't know what I

1:10:14

would do and then my actions wouldn't

1:10:16

be in correspondence with my morals and

1:10:18

that would be my Mommy

1:10:20

it doesn't it doesn't matter the

1:10:22

moment your hand wraps around the grip

1:10:25

of Oh,

1:10:31

you feel like Nicky? I like Nicky more

1:10:34

than a stretch You

1:10:37

think that you feel

1:10:39

like your sanity is actually

1:10:42

dripping out of your head Like

1:10:44

when someone puts an egg on your

1:10:46

head and it drips down That's

1:10:49

what your fucking sanity feels like You

1:10:52

gotta get out of there bro Ma'am

1:10:55

you're driving the insane Hahahaha

1:11:03

Shoot this is crazy

1:11:05

Hahahaha One

1:11:08

thing you all haven't been noticing is

1:11:10

that his now naked feet have been

1:11:12

sticking suction Suction

1:11:15

cups on each finger

1:11:18

each appendage they've been sticking to the

1:11:20

boat and now he lets them go

1:11:23

And he and holding the sword he

1:11:25

flies back towards where his tongue was

1:11:27

grabbed as the tongue goes back into

1:11:29

his mouth Like a

1:11:31

yo-yo returning to its hand from which

1:11:34

it was birthed Great. Yeah, the

1:11:36

tongue unwraps around the person who it was

1:11:39

the ledge that it had been using

1:11:41

this person long dead I'm sorry a

1:11:43

centaur and a gargoyle were pulling

1:11:46

up it. They're dead Absolutely just

1:11:48

massive internal bleeding long dead at this

1:11:50

point It unwraps from them and

1:11:52

their body slumps over the edge and falls into

1:11:54

the water But you make it up but now

1:11:57

Tommy you're still clutching a sword that's driving you

1:11:59

clinically insane saying. He

1:12:02

throws the sword in front of him on the ground. My

1:12:06

brine, my brine, my

1:12:09

only brine. Tommy, I need

1:12:11

you to make a wisdom saving throw. A

1:12:19

five. A five?

1:12:21

Yeah. Tommy,

1:12:24

you did not come back right. Something is wrong. For

1:12:26

the next 20 minutes, Tommy, you don't

1:12:34

know where you are. You don't know

1:12:36

friend from foe. You have

1:12:38

been rocked by touching the

1:12:40

sword. Damn. Why am I clothed

1:12:43

by hat and holster? Why am

1:12:45

I wearing these strange things upon

1:12:47

my body? I'm a frog man.

1:12:49

I'm on a boat. I should

1:12:52

be on a lily pad. Get

1:12:54

it together, man.

1:12:57

Neil's going to kind of look back and

1:12:59

then do the come on, guys motion

1:13:02

over her shoulder. Oh my

1:13:04

God, that stone can move. Well,

1:13:09

well, well, look

1:13:11

who's bounty hunting.

1:13:16

It's me.

1:13:20

Let's get in there. You

1:13:23

walk in to the interior cabin

1:13:26

and you see an enormous Saturday,

1:13:28

Saturday night fever dance floor inside.

1:13:31

There are colored squares on the

1:13:33

ground. There is loud disco music

1:13:35

pumping in here and in the

1:13:37

middle. There are people everywhere just

1:13:39

grinding on each other. They are,

1:13:41

they're rolling their hands. They're doing

1:13:44

disco poses. People with

1:13:46

flared pants, people with long hair.

1:13:48

There are, you know, with their

1:13:50

disco shirts and their shirts tied

1:13:52

up. They're sweating. They're pounding. It is.

1:13:54

It's aggressive in here. There's a lot

1:13:56

of young people just like dancing and

1:13:58

moving. And the center. of

1:14:00

the dance floor, you see

1:14:04

five people doing a

1:14:06

choreographed dance. It's four

1:14:08

large muscular goons and

1:14:11

you see him. You see Daddy Boy

1:14:13

at the front of the Flying V

1:14:16

doing a choreographed dance with all of

1:14:18

his goons. He moves like water. He

1:14:20

dances beautifully. He hits every key frame

1:14:23

pose and he moves, he glides from

1:14:25

one to the other. It's as if

1:14:27

the music is being written as he

1:14:30

dances. It's beautiful. My

1:14:33

God, I always

1:14:36

appreciated the physical body

1:14:39

that can be worn

1:14:43

with music. And now,

1:14:45

here it is in front of us, a

1:14:48

flower that we

1:14:50

have to burn. Jonathan,

1:14:53

while you are musing, you

1:14:55

feel something hit the side of you

1:14:57

and you hear a record scratch and

1:14:59

the music stops and you see that

1:15:02

Daddy's Boy has bumped into you. Daddy's

1:15:05

Boy! Everyone goes completely

1:15:07

silent. He goes, what in the hell

1:15:10

has happened here? Who

1:15:12

has thrown off my dancing? I

1:15:18

was admiring what you were doing on

1:15:20

the dance floor and I just had

1:15:22

to say that I think you and

1:15:24

I might give these people

1:15:26

a show. No, no,

1:15:29

I've heard enough out of you. You

1:15:31

have thrown off my dance. Goons, goons.

1:15:33

And he snaps. He says, goons, break

1:15:36

every bone in this man's body. Goons,

1:15:40

goons, listen to me. Jonathan,

1:15:42

one of the goons, an

1:15:44

enormous orc. He's very

1:15:47

tall, very wide. He is just charging forward at

1:15:49

you. He looks like he's going to turn over

1:15:51

and run through you. He's a big, big man

1:15:53

coming at you fast. Jonathan

1:15:55

Large instinctually throws

1:15:58

out a punch the way that you

1:16:00

have to like punch the

1:16:02

clutch in your car. And

1:16:05

seeing Jonathan for the

1:16:07

obvious strength that he has and the punches

1:16:09

he would very likely throw, Neil

1:16:12

dives right behind the feet of

1:16:14

the guy charging for him, and

1:16:17

stays there like a... if you

1:16:20

push someone over as someone's behind

1:16:22

them. Yeah, we were all

1:16:24

assholes when we were... we know that, yeah. Yes, I know

1:16:26

exactly the move. I've done this to people, I've had it

1:16:28

done to me. I've been in

1:16:30

every position of this recent before, yes, I

1:16:32

know. So you get right behind him,

1:16:34

Jonathan you punch. Can you make an attack roll with

1:16:36

advantage for me? I'm

1:16:39

so glad I have advantage because

1:16:42

Jonathan largest player rolled a one

1:16:44

on the first roll. And

1:16:46

then rolled a three. Okay,

1:16:49

that's pretty bad, could have gone a lot worse.

1:16:53

You go to punch this guy. This guy

1:16:55

is big though. You're big, he's

1:16:58

big too. This ain't the cold from the

1:17:00

opening. Well, well, you know, he's also big.

1:17:02

He's charging at you. And you punch him,

1:17:04

you do hit him in the face. You

1:17:06

do hurt this guy, it doesn't feel good,

1:17:08

but he has large lower tusks, and you

1:17:10

cut your hand back, you get a dash

1:17:12

on your hand, and you punch

1:17:15

this guy. He throws his head back,

1:17:17

he is not pushed forward,

1:17:19

and he bellows, he

1:17:21

makes it sound like

1:17:24

Godzilla. Yeah, I know. He's

1:17:26

gonna take a swing at you, Jonathan.

1:17:29

Oh, that's gonna hit you. He hits

1:17:32

you hard, and you feel a

1:17:34

massive fist come your way. You've been on the

1:17:36

other end of this punch a million times. It

1:17:38

doesn't feel so good. This gives you a newfound

1:17:40

appreciation for all the people you've destroyed in fights,

1:17:43

as it hits the side of your head, and that hurts

1:17:45

bad, and it knocks you over. Mmm. Meanwhile,

1:17:49

as Daddy's boy is watching

1:17:51

this frock us begin to

1:17:53

unfold, he feels a tapping

1:17:55

on his shoulder. He turns

1:17:57

around and sees a suave-looking

1:17:59

dwarf. in a suit that

1:18:01

looks almost like it's been hastily

1:18:03

cut from a big peacoat.

1:18:07

Who is that tapping at my shoulder? Who are you? I'm

1:18:10

trying to watch my goons destroy a man! Forgive

1:18:13

me. I couldn't help but seeing you

1:18:15

out on that dance floor. I don't think we've been

1:18:17

introduced, but I'm Sammy Steppes,

1:18:21

one of the biggest dance agents in all

1:18:23

of Rule Saving. I've

1:18:25

never heard of you and therefore you are nobody. I

1:18:29

am Guunto Van Hamstring, Satie's voice. Everyone's

1:18:31

heard of me. Well maybe

1:18:33

you've heard of some of the people I've discovered,

1:18:35

like... Angela?

1:18:41

Make a charisma roll. Angela.

1:18:48

21? Okay, Angela by Bob James,

1:18:50

the theme from Taxi begins playing. The DJ

1:18:53

is just like, I tried to grab

1:18:55

another record to put on and we hear Angela

1:18:57

by Bob James playing. He goes, Angela? You

1:19:00

know Angela? Mine first crush? Yeah,

1:19:03

I discovered her baby. The biggest dancer in

1:19:05

all of Rule Saving. You

1:19:08

are so old! Yes,

1:19:10

but I've still got an eye

1:19:12

for talent, friend. I

1:19:14

have no idea! You must know

1:19:16

I am the most talented dancer on this

1:19:18

entire boat! I can see it, buddy. I

1:19:20

can see it. I think you've got it.

1:19:22

I think you've got it. Okay? Yes,

1:19:26

this is what I tell all of my friends! Now,

1:19:29

what if we step out onto the deck and discuss

1:19:32

some possible deal terms? Sure,

1:19:34

sure. Won't you excuse me while I watch my Guunto

1:19:36

destroy this man? I want to see the blood come

1:19:38

from his skull as he dies. Oh,

1:19:41

we don't have to worry about that. Come on, I got

1:19:44

a busy night. I got a lot of dancers to see. Oh,

1:19:47

my agent friend, you must snuff and smell

1:19:49

cirrhosis. The little things in

1:19:51

life, they are what make it worth living, to

1:19:53

see your enemies killed in front of you by

1:19:55

your henchmen, who cannot think. Large

1:19:58

men but small brinks! It's

1:20:00

Moose. The brands are so smooth. Moose

1:20:03

grabs him by the collar and pulls him close. He's

1:20:07

making intense eye contact and he says,

1:20:09

Listen, friend. Opportunities like this

1:20:11

don't come along every so often. I see a

1:20:14

lot of people every day. And I've

1:20:16

seen you now, but I could forget you in a moment. You

1:20:18

want to step outside or not? This

1:20:21

could be your entire

1:20:23

future. Make another

1:20:25

charisma roll. That is a 19.

1:20:29

A 19? His eyes narrow. He darts

1:20:32

back and forth and they go wide again. Please,

1:20:34

please, make me a star. On

1:20:37

the other side of the room, there is

1:20:39

a keg. And outside the nozzle of the

1:20:41

keg, you can see the head of Tommy

1:20:43

Whistle. He looks around, his eyes wheeling. I'm

1:20:46

home again, mommy. Did you make

1:20:49

a brother or am I still an only

1:20:51

child? His head then zooms back up inside

1:20:53

of the keg. He was

1:20:55

inside of the keg? Yeah, and his head was

1:20:57

popped out of the nozzle. He's going crazy, you

1:21:00

see. Neil,

1:21:03

Neil's behind the goon who's attacking

1:21:05

Jonathan Large. Just grabs

1:21:08

for the goons Achilles heels and rips

1:21:10

them out of his legs. Oh

1:21:13

my god. That's a weak spot. Make an

1:21:15

attack roll with advantage. That's everyone's weak spot.

1:21:17

Oh, I got an 18. So I got

1:21:19

21. 21,

1:21:24

out they come. Just like a

1:21:26

perfect textbook, like a medical textbook, like

1:21:28

a Grey's Anatomy drawing of an Achilles

1:21:30

tendon. You pull those out as the

1:21:32

orc bellows and goes, AHHH! I'm

1:21:34

an Achilles tendon! And he

1:21:37

falls over backwards. Oww,

1:21:39

ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

1:21:41

He's prone. Gotcha.

1:21:43

She stands up and goes up for a high

1:21:45

five with Jonathan Large. Oh,

1:21:48

that's gotta be worth far

1:21:51

more than these hands, man.

1:21:56

Have you like, hold up two

1:21:58

big hands? And

1:22:01

he rears up one

1:22:03

of his back hooves, and

1:22:05

he offers up his

1:22:07

front hooves along

1:22:09

with his hand. It's

1:22:12

a fucking quadruple

1:22:14

five. Hell yeah. Neil

1:22:16

jumps up and like a starfish he

1:22:19

hits each one of his prooffered

1:22:21

limbs. Hit me, hit me, hit

1:22:24

me, hit me! There

1:22:26

are still three goons moving for Jonathan

1:22:28

Large. You are all but surrounded by

1:22:31

goons. There is one goon down on the ground

1:22:33

and a lot of pain. And now, Neil,

1:22:35

they've also clocked you. So they've got three

1:22:37

of them versus two of you. Tommy

1:22:40

Priscilla, you are inside of a keg. But

1:22:43

we are going to follow now, we're

1:22:45

going to follow Moose and Ejika as

1:22:47

they move out onto the

1:22:49

outer deck of the yacht. And

1:22:52

Daddy Boy looks back at you and

1:22:54

says, what do I have to do to become a star?

1:22:58

Moose looks out over

1:23:00

the harbor, over the twinkling lights of

1:23:03

Piss Harbor in the distance and

1:23:06

he says, is my nancer back there in the city? Metaphorically

1:23:09

friend it is, see. Oh,

1:23:13

if you play your cards right, why that

1:23:15

city could be yours. Mine?

1:23:18

Yes, baby. You could rule this town

1:23:20

with stands. And as he's saying this,

1:23:22

Moose is pulling a thin

1:23:25

strip of peacoat wool out

1:23:27

from the pocket and

1:23:29

he takes it and

1:23:32

he grabs the hands of Daddy's boy,

1:23:34

he ties him up. Kinky?

1:23:39

Yes, the world of dance is very kinky. Yes.

1:23:43

And there's more where

1:23:46

this came from. Haha.

1:23:50

Oh, boy. That's a boy. His

1:23:53

hands are just tied together at the wrist and

1:23:56

he claps as best he can. Like

1:23:59

a little seal. Why don't we head over to

1:24:01

my private yacht and you can meet some of some

1:24:04

of my celebrity friends Wait

1:24:07

a second. This is feeling an awful lot

1:24:09

about the strategy. I use when I try

1:24:11

to kill somebody make them disappear No,

1:24:14

no friend friends. No, not at

1:24:16

all and We

1:24:18

cut back now to the inside. There

1:24:20

are three large orcs They

1:24:23

are surrounding Neil and Jonathan.

1:24:25

What are you guys gonna do? Hey

1:24:28

Jonathan Neil

1:24:31

do you like oatmeal? Maybe

1:24:36

well, I suggest you start to like it

1:24:38

because these guys are about to be mush

1:24:40

and she jumps at one of them And

1:24:42

knocks it down. Oh Knock

1:24:46

him over and that's a stone. That's

1:24:49

a stone gargoyle on him you his head Jonathan

1:24:55

large He's

1:24:57

up his 75

1:25:00

pounds spiked flail

1:25:05

mace and starts swinging it

1:25:07

and swinging it and swinging it and

1:25:10

unleashes it Let

1:25:12

it go and it goes flying towards one of the orcs

1:25:14

make an attack roll on that work Ted

1:25:19

it hits him. It doesn't explode his head,

1:25:21

but it hits him in the Senate like

1:25:24

caves in part of his skull He flexes

1:25:26

and his skull returns to normal shape and the

1:25:28

mace flies out of the front of it

1:25:30

And he points at you and says you motherfucker

1:25:33

and he's gonna eat He

1:25:36

walks over to you and just as he does

1:25:38

he walks past the keg that Tommy whistle

1:25:40

is inside of And as

1:25:42

he walks past the keg He feels this

1:25:44

something sting on his forehead and then another

1:25:46

on his rib and then another on his

1:25:49

toe bullets file

1:25:51

it firing out of the keg in

1:25:53

all different directions The

1:25:55

bullets fall out of the beer pours

1:25:58

out of the empty spot until

1:26:00

the top pops off and out

1:26:03

jumps a now

1:26:05

sane Tommy Whistle. Damn,

1:26:08

I didn't want any of that beer down

1:26:10

my throat. Then I wouldn't have been able

1:26:12

to drive my Road Runner. By

1:26:14

not drinking the beer, I've become

1:26:16

sane. Sane enough to know that

1:26:19

you're in my way. And he puts the pistol

1:26:21

right in the side of the head of that

1:26:23

goon. Now don't you move, or you're

1:26:25

going to have to meet my little friend. The

1:26:30

orc just turns and he puts a finger to

1:26:32

the bullet of your gun like Bugs Bunny. Now

1:26:35

now now, if you do that, the gun will

1:26:37

explode in my face, and no one wants that.

1:26:41

I do. Hahahahaha.

1:26:44

Alright, have it your way. He lifts

1:26:46

up his hand as a, as a,

1:26:48

you got me, as the pistol stays

1:26:50

around the guy's fingers. He then opens

1:26:53

his mouth again, and his tongue is

1:26:55

not lassled up this time. Now

1:26:57

it's just a tongue, and it goes right

1:26:59

into that guy's eyes. Hahahahaha.

1:27:06

So he's got, the gun is just like

1:27:08

stuck. It's like stuck around his finger now.

1:27:10

Okay, he's penetrating. Now I'm getting a visual

1:27:12

picture of this. And now his eyes are

1:27:14

gone. You've shot your tongue into his eyes.

1:27:16

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like two flies. He

1:27:20

eats his eyes. He

1:27:22

screams. My eyes! My eyes!

1:27:24

Oh no! What the fuck? There's just blood

1:27:26

pouring out of the holes in his skull.

1:27:28

He goes, no, no, no. He's got a

1:27:30

gun on his finger. He's just like, like,

1:27:32

yai yai yai. It's pinching

1:27:35

his finger now, and he falls to his knees. And

1:27:37

at that, you hear a commotion, and the

1:27:39

door opens, and you see them walk out.

1:27:42

It's the Suck brothers.

1:27:44

Hahahahaha. No. You

1:27:47

recognize them. They're human bounty hunters. Vincent

1:27:49

Suck, the tallest one. Bella Suck and

1:27:51

Boris Suck, the twins. Lon Suck, the

1:27:53

baby of the group. And Gengar Suck,

1:27:55

a ghost. Hahahaha. Wow.

1:27:59

Neil doesn't really know what he's doing. them because

1:28:01

she's as yet unfamiliar with the bounty

1:28:03

hunter world so she's she's looking at

1:28:05

Tommy and she goes to the goon

1:28:07

that he attacked and rips his kidneys

1:28:09

out as she's struggling with

1:28:11

her own convictions thinking Tommy

1:28:14

resisted temptation and was saved the

1:28:19

goon is just screaming oh my kidneys my

1:28:21

kidneys mom I got how will I mom

1:28:23

my piss is gonna be so painful for

1:28:26

the rest of my life oh this is

1:28:28

such a painful oh my god oh my

1:28:30

god and meanwhile the suck brothers they're all

1:28:33

pointing they look out they

1:28:35

can't find daddy's boy anywhere they look for

1:28:37

daddy's boy they look at Tommy whistle and

1:28:39

one of them pulls out Vincent

1:28:41

suck pulls out a scroll with Tommy

1:28:43

whistle bouncy which is already on it

1:28:45

they shrug as if to say good

1:28:47

enough and they all run towards Tommy Oh

1:28:51

Tommy whistle grabs the gun off of

1:28:53

the goons finger sees the brothers running

1:28:56

towards him and does what he's always

1:28:58

wanted to do well he

1:29:01

jumped great

1:29:04

yeah you jump up in the air and they run

1:29:06

right past you they screech to a halt and they

1:29:08

look around as if to say which way did he

1:29:11

go they're scratching the tops of their heads and

1:29:13

that's when he falls back on their

1:29:16

heads pistol in hand great

1:29:18

yes you fall on their heads you fall right through

1:29:20

Gengar suck but the rest of them you knock them

1:29:23

over they should call you the

1:29:25

pin brothers because you just got bowled over

1:29:27

like pins like pin like

1:29:30

like pins hahaha

1:29:33

hahaha Neil

1:29:35

liked it all

1:29:39

right daddy's boy just right this way

1:29:41

my friend and then Moose

1:29:44

just is gonna push him over

1:29:46

he's just gonna push him over board into

1:29:48

the speedboat below ah yeah

1:29:52

he lands on the speedboat I landed on

1:29:54

my shoulders and

1:29:57

then moose goes and he with

1:30:00

his fingers just taps a little spot

1:30:02

in the back of his head twice.

1:30:07

You got moonlight. Yeah,

1:30:09

could you let the rest of the crew know that I have the target? We're

1:30:11

good to go. Will

1:30:13

do. All of you feel a little voice

1:30:16

in the various parts of the boat that

1:30:18

you're at. Tommy, you are on top of

1:30:20

the Suck Brothers. Ejika, you

1:30:22

are with Moose. You hear this.

1:30:26

Jonathan and Neil, you are, there's

1:30:28

one orc left, and you

1:30:30

guys are squaring off with him, and you

1:30:32

all hear at the same time a voice in

1:30:35

the back of your head say, The target has

1:30:37

been acquired. Return to the headquarters now to

1:30:39

collect your money. Now

1:30:42

that's a feeling. Sorry,

1:30:45

this would be fun, but we gotta

1:30:47

go, and Neil just disengages and walks

1:30:49

away. I'm in the middle of

1:30:51

a fight, and I don't back

1:30:54

down. Let's go. Come on. Hit

1:30:56

me now. The

1:30:58

orc nods. He loves this. He like respects

1:31:01

you more for doing that. He flexes and

1:31:03

he cracks his knuckles. He says, Prepare to

1:31:05

die, bitch. And he's gonna, he winds up.

1:31:07

He really, really winds up and makes a

1:31:10

meal of it. He swings. He goes right

1:31:12

for your head. He misses, and

1:31:14

his, his, his fist lands harmlessly

1:31:16

on your shoulder. He looks at his fist

1:31:19

and he looks at you and he goes, What the frick? Jonathan

1:31:23

gives him a little kiss on the cheek. He

1:31:26

backs up. No, no, no.

1:31:28

Yes. You

1:31:31

and I are men of

1:31:33

violence. But we have

1:31:35

to be men of the world too. Take

1:31:37

this moment and remember

1:31:40

everything can be good. If

1:31:43

you're good, whatever

1:31:45

that means to you, any, any,

1:31:47

any, any gobs away. He

1:31:50

falls to his knees and he, the

1:31:52

camera like spirals up away from him.

1:31:54

He goes, No, no. Every goon's dream

1:31:57

is to die in battle. That was

1:31:59

humiliating. Tommy, you're the only

1:32:01

one... everyone's heading back to the speedboat. You've

1:32:03

got the Suck Brothers. They've all been knocked

1:32:05

over, except for Gengar Suck, who, uh, he's

1:32:07

just sort of grabbing at you, but he's

1:32:10

corporeal and he can't really get anything. Ah,

1:32:12

rat! I'm the

1:32:14

Suck Brother that can't touch nothing!

1:32:17

That's right. Hey, Gengar. I'll see you

1:32:19

back at the saloon. Heh,

1:32:22

he's just a ghost cowboy hat to

1:32:25

you. See you there. I'll

1:32:27

give him an idea as well. He

1:32:30

then hops from, uh, knocked

1:32:32

over Suck Brother to Knocked Over Suck Brother

1:32:34

until he gets outside the boat where he

1:32:36

leaps into the air and falls onto

1:32:39

that boat. Baby. We

1:32:43

cut now to the boat. Cool music

1:32:45

blares as you ride that boat out.

1:32:47

The sun is just beginning to crest.

1:32:49

It's dawn. The earliest whispers of dawn

1:32:51

in his armor as you guys ride

1:32:53

back all the way to headquarters. We

1:32:56

see you now. We cut now to

1:32:58

headquarters as, uh, Mrs. Moonlight is handing

1:33:01

you guys a large novelty check. Heh

1:33:04

heh heh. Great

1:33:06

job, team. You hunted that bounty. Thank

1:33:10

you, Miss Moonlight. You know, I've always

1:33:12

wondered, why do each of you

1:33:14

do this? What will each of you do

1:33:16

with your cut of the money? But, you

1:33:18

know, we've never told each other before. I

1:33:20

guess we might as well not start now.

1:33:23

I take a little bit

1:33:25

of it and I buy

1:33:27

myself the finest cut of

1:33:29

chicken I can get.

1:33:32

Yum. But what

1:33:34

I do with most of it is give

1:33:36

back to the community. There

1:33:38

are so many children in this town

1:33:41

who are so wretched,

1:33:45

so poor, so

1:33:47

sad. Ah,

1:33:49

flip them quarters. Heh

1:33:51

heh heh. And they love it. delicious

1:34:00

chicken dinner, and the orphans of

1:34:02

the town were for years flipping

1:34:04

quarters. Who will, believe it

1:34:06

or not, Tommy, but uh... there

1:34:09

are other places, other folks out there

1:34:11

that don't take so

1:34:13

kindly to old Loose. I've got a few bounties on my

1:34:15

own head that I need to pay off. There's

1:34:18

a freeze frame on Moose. He

1:34:20

paid off most of his bounties. There just were so many,

1:34:22

though. He is not done. And me?

1:34:25

I've never felt

1:34:27

the feeling of money before. I never

1:34:31

owned any. Never thought of what to

1:34:33

buy. Maybe I'll save it.

1:34:37

There's a freeze frame on Neil. Uh, if it

1:34:39

says, Neil put her money into a high

1:34:42

interest savings account. And

1:34:44

how about you, Ejica? What are you

1:34:47

gonna do with that money? If I know

1:34:49

Ejica, it's probably buy more cocaine. There's

1:34:56

a freeze frame on Ejica, as it says,

1:34:58

yes. Well,

1:35:04

I guess that leaves me. And the

1:35:06

thing I'm using this money for is, you'll

1:35:09

probably all find out

1:35:12

next time on Rude

1:35:14

Tales. The freeze frame

1:35:16

on Tommy. Tommy was arrested

1:35:19

later that day for public indecency. That

1:35:26

was Ali Fisher as

1:35:28

Neil. Carly Monado as

1:35:30

Ejica. Christopher Hastings as

1:35:32

Jonathan Lodge. Joe Lepore

1:35:34

as Moose. Tim Platt

1:35:37

as Tommy Whistle. And Branson

1:35:39

Reese as everything and everyone else. Rude

1:35:42

Tales of Magic is produced by Bucket

1:35:44

of Milk. Sound

1:35:47

design is scored by Kodiak

1:35:49

Sanders with additional sound design

1:35:51

from Michael Galphie. As

1:35:53

always, special thanks to Tyler

1:35:56

Button and Sydney and Benjamin Paul.

1:35:58

And our big freak. Christina

1:36:01

Lopez! Alright,

1:36:03

that's it for this episode of

1:36:05

Root Tales of Magic! See

1:36:07

you in two weeks, fools! Oh,

1:36:11

you're not fools. Some of you are smart.

1:36:13

You're listening to Root Tales of Magic, aren't

1:36:15

you? Well, not anymore. The episode's over. Goodnight!