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Tune in next week and we'll find

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out if my husband is dead in here.

2:20

This is a HeadGum podcast.

2:27

Let's see, let's see. Need it to me to be

2:29

chained to the one book with nothing erotic

2:31

in it. Oh, wait! A poem? Well,

2:34

there's a first time for everything. Ahem.

2:37

Attend this tale, both

2:38

crass and tragic, that we shall

2:41

call RUDETails of Magic?

2:43

Cordelia has a scary scream.

2:46

Hear it on the RUDETails livestream.

2:49

Freddy's spells are eldritch

2:52

horrors. Tickets on sale

2:54

for only five dollars.

2:57

Werewolf Albie, what a beast

2:59

turn. Our live show starts at

3:02

eight eastern.

3:03

Bello worships at Demons

3:05

Church, decked out in exclusive

3:08

merch. Grants and grins

3:10

with vampires fine teeth. See

3:12

you there October nineties.

3:15

StiffRag calls out that final

3:17

refrain. RUDETails of Magic,

3:20

they invaded my brain. Hey,

3:22

what the fuck? That wasn't sexy at all. Oh,

3:25

wait. There's a note at the bottom. Tickets

3:27

on sale at RUDETailsOfMagic.com.

3:32

Still not sexy. Fuck.

3:43

Hello loyal listeners.

3:45

Welcome back to RUDETails

3:47

of Magic. It's me, your

3:50

host with the ghost, the grave

3:52

freaker, who has a ghost.

3:55

I own a ghost. I am your host

3:57

with the ghost. The ghost is right here. Say

3:59

something, ghost.

3:59

Ghost? Ooohhhh... Hahaha!

4:04

Well said, Ghost! Anyway, I think

4:06

I've gotten into the October spirit well

4:08

enough! Let's begin this episode of Groot

4:10

Tales of Magic! Aaaaah! What

4:15

the fuck?

4:21

That pretty wheel, though... Is

4:24

he only a single? But

4:27

don't... Belong in two...

4:29

I want shit too! Hahaha! Everyone

4:33

knows that's right! We

4:40

open now in a beautiful home, way

4:43

out past the suburbs. It's... almost

4:45

noon. Almost lunchtime! A

4:48

little girl with kind eyes and a... horrible

4:51

kenku with... an awful

4:53

insect wing stand in a kitchen. She

4:55

looks at him, quizzically.

5:25

Which Ginny?

5:26

Yay!

5:27

She claps. You're

5:28

alright.

5:29

So, Ginny, this is about,

5:32

if you listen to the song, independence. This

5:34

is about learning to take any

5:36

ingredients and make a little meal for yourself whenever

5:38

you want. So, you begin by taking two

5:41

slices of bread. See, this is one

5:42

slice, then you grab the other one.

5:44

Okay. Oh, it's the heel! Now,

5:47

do you like that? You don't have to have it if you don't want it. You

5:49

can be any- No, nobody likes the heel! What are you talking

5:51

about? Everyone likes the heel! Everyone likes the

5:54

heel?! Yes!

5:55

What about me? I don't like the heel. I'm somebody.

5:58

You are somebody.

5:59

But right now you're pretending. You're putting on a

6:02

show they're not like the heel. When actually, when you put

6:04

the two heels together, it makes a different kind of sandwich.

6:06

Maybe not the one you want right now, but one you will want

6:08

later. Okay, so

6:10

I should do two heels? You know what?

6:13

It's whatever you want. And with what you said,

6:15

two heels. Let's do two heels,

6:17

Jadae!

6:18

Okay, but what goes on the inside? Well, are

6:20

you in the mood for something sweet? Yeah? Or

6:22

something savory? Both! I'm a kid!

6:24

Hmm... How about peanut

6:27

butter? Okay. How about

6:29

bacon? Bacon? Peanut

6:31

butter, bacon, and jelly.

6:32

But in order to get bacon, we'd have to kill

6:35

the... we'd have to kill our pig. It's

6:37

time. It's time! Stir-Fry

6:40

puts his hand behind Genius's back and walks her out

6:42

to the family pig. Yeah,

6:44

she looks out at the pig. The pig turns and looks

6:47

at you and catches the sunlight. It has a beautiful,

6:50

sorrowful expression on its face. It

6:52

seems to understand on some level what is about

6:54

to happen. We'll

6:55

use every part of it. We'll

6:57

respect it from head to toe.

7:00

Ginny's hand is trembling. No, no!

7:02

I can't do this! I don't want bacon! I don't

7:04

even like bacon! Stir-Fry and the

7:07

snails in front of her. Does that mean you

7:09

don't want the moderate in-between

7:11

that you want just

7:12

sweet? Sure, and that's why

7:14

Ginny's hand is made out of that...

7:16

It's a candy sandwich.

7:17

Why? He puts his arm on her shoulders. Now

7:20

you've learned.

7:21

They're all new, half-measures without compromising

7:23

yourself.

7:24

You must pick sweet or savory every

7:26

time. And in-between means

7:28

death.

7:30

Either yours?

7:31

Or by your hand. You're right.

7:34

No half-measures.

7:35

If I compromise, I die. You're right. You're

7:38

right. I'll remember this forever. Great. Stir-Fry

7:40

looks up to God, as if to say, I did it. Uh,

7:43

the clouds part. The sun, like,

7:45

hits you extra hard. Ah! Ow! Ah!

7:48

Ah! Dammit! Dammit! Okay,

7:50

so you're gonna have to use the knife for

7:52

me because I'm a bit blinded at the moment.

7:55

Okay, great. We cut back to Inside of the Kitchen, and

7:58

she's just taking verbal instructions. from stir-fry.

8:00

We see that the knife is extremely

8:03

sharp and the blade is enormous. This is

8:05

a to her, to a small child, this

8:07

is a Sephiroth blade. Stab

8:10

the peanut butter jar! She does, she stabs

8:12

into the side of it. Like that?

8:14

Perfect. Now lift it in the air! She

8:17

lifts up the jar. It's just attached,

8:19

it's been stabbed in the middle. Now throw it at the bread!

8:22

She throws it at the bread. A jar just lands

8:24

on the bread. Perfect. Now stab

8:27

the glass jelly jar. She

8:29

stabs

8:29

the glass jelly jar. It shatters.

8:33

Flip it in the air! That way it gets all the glass

8:35

out and just the jelly remains. The

8:38

dexterity roll. Not bad.

8:40

She flips it in the air. Almost none of

8:42

the glass lands back down into the sandwich. Perfect.

8:45

Now close the sandwich. She

8:47

closes the sandwich. Lift the knife above your

8:50

head. She lifts the knife above her head.

8:52

And slow it down! Splitting

8:54

the sandwich in the head! She

8:56

slaps it down! Splitting the sandwich

8:58

in twain! Did

9:01

I do good?

9:03

Take a bite and we'll see. She hands you

9:05

a half and she uh, she toasts

9:07

you. To independence! To independence!

9:10

She takes a big bite and she smiles

9:13

as her gongs bleed. I'm

9:15

your guardian angel. Everyone knows

9:17

it, that's right.

9:23

Welcome back to Road Tales of Magic,

9:25

the only podcast.

9:28

That's right, there was an extinction event.

9:30

Scavengers wander the podcast

9:32

waste, homing for mere scraps

9:35

of planet money. A man in tattered

9:37

clothes crawls across the podcast

9:39

dunes and lifts a canteen of the

9:41

daily up to his lips but only

9:44

sand comes out. Wait,

9:46

was that? Could it be? No,

9:49

no, it's gotta be another mirage unless... That's

9:52

no mirage. Off in the distance, would it? Is that an enormous golden statue?

9:54

It ripples in the sky. It's a golden statue. It's

9:56

a golden statue.

9:59

the heat blinding him. Still he crawls

10:02

ever forward. Yes, it's

10:04

a ten-story tall golden statue

10:06

of Cubic the Goblin. Wanderers

10:09

from every corner of the globe bow

10:11

and pray to rude tales of magic,

10:13

the one true god! Oh

10:17

no, I was struck by lightning and

10:20

killed instantly. I opened my eyes.

10:23

Where am I? Oh my god.

10:26

Did I go to hell?

10:29

Ah well, that's life. At

10:31

least now I can provide a little recap

10:33

for my friends who are at this moment waiting

10:36

patiently on a zoom call for me to shut the

10:38

fuck up so they can play what passes for

10:40

D&D. I think in

10:43

my surroundings and I see that

10:45

I'm in a mid-century diner, the

10:47

kind you might see out on Route 66, if

10:50

you're 90,

10:51

and remembering your life as a trucker in the 1960s, our heroes

10:54

have finally made it to the other

10:56

side, a diner in hell run by

10:59

that all-too-common heist in it of

11:01

friend slash boss, Cheddar. For

11:04

the first time since you've met him, time

11:06

continues to flow naturally around

11:09

him as he speaks to you through the body

11:11

of one of his employees, an enormous

11:13

tarantula fry cook named Nails. Oh

11:16

yeah, that's a good question, Cornelia. But no,

11:19

time only freezes when I possess

11:21

people on the material plane. Down

11:23

here, it just keeps chugging along. I

11:26

could still kill this guy though. If I stay in this guy

11:28

too long, I could absolutely, I could still

11:30

kill him. It falls under the change who you

11:32

fundamentally are part of the rules. But

11:34

there's a way, there's just like, cause it's hell, there's like

11:37

a way longer grace period. We're talking like 10

11:39

minutes. Sometimes 20 if they

11:41

have like a strong personality, which this guy do

11:43

not have. Alright, what else we got? I

11:45

don't want to push the hyphenate of friend slash

11:48

boss, but I have to be

11:49

honest. We pushed it. I just

11:52

gotta tell you, I, I don't,

11:54

I hope this doesn't come out as like perverted. I just

11:56

thought I would be able to see your body. It

11:59

does.

11:59

Oh, it's oh your your hope

12:02

was it made oh But

12:07

I think I hope you know what I mean, I just

12:09

thought I was gonna know

12:10

To your ranch your arms just sort of grab you

12:12

by the shoulders look gleefully

12:14

and he just sort of like shakes you

12:19

Who's a little and he spins you around hello

12:22

Goodbye, he spins you back

12:24

That's me. I don't know who

12:26

Albie

12:27

is. I've seen Albie. I met everybody. Oh,

12:29

yeah, cool. I just thought you asked Oh,

12:32

I did I did and then I cast ice

12:34

you for taking me seriously. You've

12:36

got nobody

12:40

Pointality,

12:43

I'm always my baby

12:46

Yeah Do you have

12:48

so you're always possessing someone

12:50

or just like you exist outside of? I'm

12:54

always possessing somebody but down here the time

12:56

doesn't freeze

12:58

Okay, I want to raise

13:01

Yeah, sure. You're gonna raise. That's fine. That's

13:04

more spells. I have a question.

13:06

Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt Oh,

13:08

yeah, he spins you back around. Hello. Hi Do

13:12

you know cheddar? Um,

13:15

yeah, I'm him. Yes Do

13:17

you know

13:18

do you know what? What

13:20

single objects that contain

13:23

lexicon matters is power? We

13:26

should be looking for Oh

13:28

Whoa zero to 60 Albie What

13:31

sorry, I just you know, we got a we're

13:33

kind of on a clock here. No, we are

13:36

this guy's dying on the inside I'm just frying

13:38

him up, you know He's a good guy too

13:40

and I'm just boiling through memories of his cuz

13:42

you know 10 minutes Long time

13:44

right compared to when you usually get like two

13:46

three minutes ten minutes a long time You know to stretch your legs

13:49

out, but I talk and I do Dumps

13:52

for poison to poison and can't stay at

13:54

the very one you think that once we saw equations

13:56

where I go She chatted away just

13:58

just wasting my time with This

14:00

guy's a figure so I can just talk to somebody else

14:02

so it's fine. But yeah, no, no, I could say I could make

14:04

a weirdo's a fiddle. I don't know what. It

14:06

would be, necessarily... It's probably something

14:08

really important to him. Really important to

14:10

his poisional story.

14:12

Uh, and I got- I guarantee you, it's

14:14

not something he's just gonna leave lying around. He's gonna

14:17

be probably closely guarded.

14:20

So like if he had an important sword.

14:22

Aw, man.

14:23

Yeah, if he had an important sword. Yeah, if it was like

14:25

a- it was like a martial weapon or something.

14:28

Well, it's just something like a son of a keepsake, you know? I'm

14:30

sorry if they won't mind and the spider just sort of like-

14:33

It has cheddars, like cheddars just has unmistakable

14:35

body language even though he hasn't a body. And

14:37

it just like- it leans its head

14:39

on one of its arms. I wonder what mine would be.

14:42

I don't really have stuff. Probably one

14:44

of those coins. Oh, one of the coins?

14:47

Oh yeah! One of the coins, but it'd just be in the

14:49

bag with all the other coins. By the way, what's going on with the coins?

14:52

Well, um, funny you should ask

14:54

cheddar. And when she says cheddar,

14:56

coins pour out of her mouth. Oh,

14:59

oh, oh! This arrow- was it involved

15:01

in how you died? That's cool. Apparently.

15:04

I don't think it was. What?

15:06

I don't think that was how we died. I

15:08

think- Albie looks down at the stab

15:11

wound going through her and Cordelia connecting

15:13

their bodies. I don't think that's how you died.

15:15

I don't think it was coins.

15:16

You think it was a spear? Well, the thing

15:18

about Hell is Hell's a bastard. Hell is a

15:20

son of a bitch, you know? It's just like sometimes Hell

15:23

will be like, this is very literal. You know, oh,

15:25

you got electrocuted, you come down here and everyone can see

15:27

your skeleton. And other times, and he points at the

15:29

bones and he goes, I have no offense, but

15:32

this is like a Rembrandt, you know? Cheddar,

15:34

can I tell you something? I love the arrow.

15:37

I absolutely love it. Do

15:39

you know how many years it took of study

15:41

to learn simply the language of infernal?

15:44

Just to read books? The 60? Uh,

15:47

about, yes. It's a very complicated language

15:50

for a human tongue. It's tough. And

15:52

now I've done all this studying about things

15:54

that come out of here and I'm surrounded by it. I think it's

15:56

splendid. I just want to go find the

15:58

devil and kiss and rattle on the lid. Don't

16:01

kiss the devil on the lips.

16:03

I'm dying too. You've

16:04

been talking about it for a while. I can't say

16:06

you are a changed man. Wow. Oh,

16:09

that's because of these little stinkas. And

16:12

two wretched goblins emerge

16:16

like tumors from the bones of these engorged

16:19

hearts.

16:20

Ha ha, ha da da.

16:22

And they just start running around the

16:24

diner and they join, there's another little boy

16:27

running around the diner who just has a knife out

16:29

and his dad is chasing him going, Hunter? Ha

16:32

ha ha ha ha ha

16:32

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

16:34

ha ha ha Oh, of course.

16:37

Pudilio is very excited. Cheddar, how do you sleep?

16:40

I don't. Oh. There's a lot of happens

16:42

when you don't sleep a thousand years. Oh no. I

16:44

got it, man. What have I got? I got to get

16:47

into a body. I'm exactly as tired as that body. So if I jump into a

16:49

tired guy, oh, what if I fall asleep and then that could

16:51

kill him? So I've got to jump out of him really quickly. But I've never

16:53

known what it's like to sleep. Never once known

16:55

the rest of sleep all my days. Ha

16:58

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

16:59

Oh, so wait, so like if someone

17:02

that was evil died in

17:04

their sleep, maybe they'd go to hell and be really

17:06

sleepy? Oh, potentially, yeah.

17:09

They'd have like one of those caps.

17:12

Oh, sorry. You know, one of those long caps and they'd have like a candle

17:14

and a little tin. I don't really

17:16

understand

17:16

the irony of me, though. I just

17:18

kind of look like I'm back to exactly

17:21

where I started.

17:22

Well, you know how your back

17:24

is connected to Cordelia? Right, right. And

17:27

you are one entity, although you are two souls? Yeah. Dad,

17:30

probably, I would assume that was when hell was

17:33

getting up to there.

17:34

Yeah, I think I am

17:36

getting a picture now.

17:37

I hope he dangles

17:38

her little feet. They don't touch the ground.

17:42

Oh, well, I'm sorry about all the denim pouring out. I

17:45

don't know what's going on there, but I assume that

17:47

that's not going to be a huge problem. No, it's not going to

17:49

be a bit... And

17:53

he just throws up blood all over the

17:55

table. Oh, that's a

17:57

60-second mark. Wait, switch, switch. What?

18:01

Can you switch?

18:01

Can you switch into a different sky? Yeah, effortlessly.

18:04

And

18:04

at that, the spider slumps

18:07

over and it looks up at you and he goes, oh

18:09

boy, that hurts.

18:12

Oh, that don't feel too good. Oh, back

18:14

to cooking fries for me. Ha, cha,

18:16

cha. Crudelia's whipping around looking

18:19

for who looks possessed.

18:21

The Medusa rollerblades over

18:24

to you. Hello. There you are.

18:26

I don't have a blimfel to get back to though. I can't just

18:28

keep doing this forever. You can take

18:31

a

18:31

minute. I talk about the attack, but I talk nine minutes.

18:32

Oh, oh, Crudelia, tell him the good news about the terrible entity

18:34

that he cursed you with. Oh,

18:39

gone. What? The,

18:41

uh,

18:43

what are we calling it again? The

18:45

unpleasantness is what the witch hunters referred

18:48

to it as. I knew him as my butler.

18:51

Yeah, he was a little bit of a hitchhiker guy.

18:54

What the fuck are you doing? Hold on, what, that thing?

18:56

Yeah.

18:56

Is it gone? You

18:59

didn't hoist it on somebody else? I did, to

19:01

bug me. Hehehe, but I

19:03

was able to conquer it with my great, intenable

19:06

power. And then I had a heart attack.

19:08

Holy shit, that must have been what

19:10

killed you. You, I swear to God. I

19:12

could, can I show you something?

19:14

Yeah. This Medusa on rollerblades, uh,

19:16

she takes you into the back kitchen and you go through

19:18

the kitchen into a little office that says

19:20

cheddar.

19:21

What is it? Oh, God, look at it.

19:23

You got a little, uh, closed circuit TV

19:26

and on a loop, uh, you're watching,

19:28

uh, DeBonesby's failed, uh, lechification

19:31

process. I watched

19:31

this all the time, it's so

19:33

funny. We knew it, it helped.

19:35

Look at this, we got the photo, look at this.

19:37

And there's like a little, like America's

19:40

Funniest Home Video voiceover of

19:42

a guy just being like, oh, didn't

19:44

read enough, did I? As

19:47

you watch as DeBonesby's body, like skin

19:49

and flesh and fat are just like, resolved

19:52

off of him. I love that studio audience laugh.

19:54

I love that part. Oh, you weren't kidding about the video. I

19:56

didn't hear all the time. That's

20:00

incredible. That's amazing. And I got my skin

20:02

in my fat's back. Any wiggles a disgusting

20:05

arm at you. It flaps and slurps

20:07

wetly. Yeah, I mean, that's, you

20:09

know, good for you. Because we have questions for man, this is what

20:11

that's gonna help. Chatter, we have to go bring the college

20:13

back. I'm not gonna do it. I'm

20:16

not gonna do it. I'm

20:19

not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm

20:22

not gonna do it. I'm

20:24

not gonna do it. I'm not gonna

20:26

do it. I'm gonna go bring

20:29

the college

20:31

back up to the mortal

20:32

realm from here, from hell. Do

20:35

you wanna help?

20:37

Oh god, I thought I was fucking something with you. Isn't

20:39

that the fuck? You

20:41

hired me? I, yeah. I

20:43

hired

20:44

you to promote my restaurant and look,

20:46

business is good. He spins around

20:48

on his swivel chair. I got a swivel chair

20:50

now. Look at you. Nice.

20:54

This thing used to be a toilet that was connected

20:56

to nothing. That's what I had to sit on. Or

20:59

somebody had to sit on it. Never really me.

21:00

Well,

21:02

you could come with me. We could just do that. I

21:05

gotta stack up a few.

21:07

I gotta, I gotta wrap my restaurant. That

21:09

was what our whole arrangement was. But you've

21:11

always been my secret weapon. I can't

21:14

be your secret weapon anymore. I'm your public

21:16

weapon. Everybody

21:18

knows we workin' together. Look, Cordelia.

21:22

Chatter. But coins pour out of her mouth.

21:25

I just find a nickname or something.

21:27

Jesus. Okay, yeah,

21:29

you, uh, dare. Dare?

21:33

Dare. I'll go with

21:35

the coins. That's fine. Don't... What

21:37

about, what about Ched? Ched? Ched.

21:41

Ched? Ched. I don't

21:43

know. Oh, cheesy, greasy. You're

21:45

making it sound like a two-syllable... I'm gonna

21:48

think I'm under the sheets. Eddie, he points that

21:50

he's at an employee of the month, uh,

21:53

sign up on the wall, and it's you. It's a picture of you.

21:56

And it's framed. It goes, We don't really have

21:58

collages out here. It's one... You will

22:00

but that it's look at you did it.

22:02

Is it you? Yeah,

22:04

it's

22:05

me. You spit her out spit her out show her dual

22:07

fashion show

22:10

It's

22:12

a really good picture too. Yeah,

22:15

how did you get that picture?

22:16

Anyway,

22:19

the you know, we so we worked

22:21

together, you know,

22:21

we did our thing

22:24

Wait, so I'm

22:26

not your employee anymore. Well, you're still

22:29

my employee Okay, but

22:31

your job is done

22:32

Your job was to bring living

22:34

souls down here and

22:36

you did it

22:37

You did it for as long as you were alive. Our

22:40

contract is broken. Oh

22:43

Whoa

22:44

Wait, but you're my magic

22:47

You keep the magic Okay,

22:51

I gave you the magic. I couldn't take it back

22:53

if I wanted to which four or five

22:55

times I did want to I don't know how Okay,

23:01

do you have any openings? No, sorry

23:04

we have a job to do Well,

23:07

it's been really great to work

23:09

with you Amelia I tell

23:11

you what you go save a little school Bring

23:14

it back. Maybe you go back to

23:16

the lives of God. Maybe not either

23:19

way There's an assistant manager job with your name

23:21

on it.

23:21

No way Yeah,

23:24

this

23:24

is not there's no pay jump, but I don't you know,

23:26

otherwise It's more responsibilities.

23:29

Okay, we'll talk. That's pretty cool. Right people

23:31

love that will negotiate Yeah,

23:34

well, yeah, though. You'll talk me down. Sure.

23:37

It's a title bump Cheddar

23:40

that brings up a good point you ever hear about

23:43

any ways of like the dead going back

23:46

The bed going back. Yeah,

23:48

like going back like just as they were before

23:50

they died, you know, sort of like I'm

23:52

so fucking old. The only

23:54

thing I love a point is the only way out is

23:57

through. Oh That's hell

23:59

that is about it Yeah, that's sort of a that's

24:01

more of like a proverb than like concrete

24:04

advice, but I'll take it you are in hell

24:08

Yeah, I know I know

24:12

Okay,

24:13

okay No,

24:18

oh

24:19

Wow. Oh wow.

24:20

No, I don't have to but below you love

24:23

to that's a straight of you I didn't pick up on when I

24:25

was in you. Okay good for you Do you

24:28

want me to turn into a horse? Bello

24:33

Stretches out his neck and as he does Wild

24:36

shapes transform from his normal

24:39

shape the shape of a horse

24:42

the desk goes flying There's not enough room

24:44

in this office the desk goes flying

24:46

and it pins cheddar in

24:48

the Medusa up against the wall

24:50

Yeah

24:52

But this is different now because

24:54

the the hind legs of the horse are now

24:56

just a wispy cloud of smoke All

25:02

right, all right, all right parties over he wild she's

25:04

back I'll be

25:06

ripped

25:07

her stab wound and she's like Okay.

25:10

Yeah, I think we gotta get going. I

25:12

just remember that Dava was getting infinitely crucified

25:15

in a closet down here.

25:16

Oh, yeah

25:18

I think we get an access,

25:20

you know, okay chatter I'll

25:22

be back for to either accept that job

25:24

or to have my exit interview So I'll see you

25:26

in a few days or a longer

25:28

time a few days. I'm sure you'll put yeah,

25:31

good luck Maybe two days maybe 20

25:33

minutes who knows she walks forward and tries to

25:35

give them a doo-doo a hug but the

25:38

you know handle of a rapier is sticking out of her

25:40

chest and she's sort of unable to Do

25:43

so so she just sort of had double

25:45

paths around those. Yeah hug her I use

25:47

sort of pat each other's shoulders and

25:49

she throws up blood all over And

25:53

she's pouring denim all over her If

25:56

you want to be the blood bopper, by the way, we could

25:58

slightly use one I'll consider

26:01

it. Alright, let's get out

26:03

of here.

26:03

You leave the office, Cheddar

26:05

waves to you warmly as he hops

26:08

out of the medusa. As you're leaving, sitting

26:10

in a far booth by the exit, you

26:12

see someone familiar. You

26:14

see...

26:16

Count Ivan Gretzky. But...

26:20

something is seriously off. He's

26:23

an elegantly thin man with familiar

26:25

but less exaggerated features. His

26:27

eyes are large but not bulbous. His

26:30

skin is tight but not stretched

26:32

across a skeleton. He has

26:34

an unhealthy complexion, but still...

26:37

it's a complexion, which is more than you could say

26:39

about what was going on with him beforehand. He

26:41

wears noble robes, not unlike

26:43

the bones bees. He has a crimson red

26:45

scarf tied around his neck. All in all,

26:47

he looks like the guy who got the boardwalk

26:49

caricature that you know as Ivan

26:52

Gretzky. Hey, you look really familiar.

26:54

I don't know if we've met, but I'm Belo. He

26:56

turns... I don't believe we've had the pleasure. What's

27:00

your name, friend? My name is Count Ivan

27:02

Gretzky. Or at least it was. Wha-wha-wha-what?

27:07

He stands, all of you, and he stands.

27:09

Where are my manners? And as soon as he looks at the

27:11

bones bee, he says... Lord DeBonesbee.

27:14

And he kneels. He bows deeply. Greetings,

27:17

Bannerman. Yes. I'm

27:19

one of your Bannermen. Yes, see, now I remember,

27:22

because he talks right. And DeBonesbee

27:24

sort of gestures to his mouth.

27:25

Albie is like craning her neck, trying

27:27

to see who's talking, because it doesn't

27:30

sound anything like the Ivan she remembers. Yeah,

27:32

Cordelia sort of turns... when she feels that,

27:34

she sort of turns sideways so they both can

27:37

see him. Albie, this man

27:39

stands completely unlike Ivan.

27:42

He stands much more like DeBonesbee.

27:45

His body language is much more similar

27:47

to DeBonesbee's than it is to

27:50

Ivan Gretzky's at all. He's bowing

27:53

deeply to

27:54

DeBonesbee's. He says, my liege.

27:57

That's enough, that's enough. As you were, stand

27:59

up.

27:59

Of course, I'm terribly sorry to you. Ever

28:02

it is that the failure seems tragic. A

28:04

heart attack. I grew one only

28:06

so long enough for it to fuck

28:09

up and send me here.

28:11

As well. Suppose

28:12

we all go in our own way. I myself was taken

28:14

by a disease and he pats his neck.

28:18

Yes, we actually knew

28:21

you quite well during that period

28:23

of your undeath.

28:25

A very different person. I must

28:27

beg your pardon. I...

28:29

Not familiar.

28:30

Yeah, of course. It doesn't seem that way. It took over

28:32

your body. Oh, I'm

28:34

sorry. I see what's happened here. You

28:37

mean he doesn't remember the... like

28:39

all the stuff? He doesn't remember...

28:42

Gourd?

28:45

But it's nothing to remember.

28:48

None of what you're describing happened to me. I

28:50

believe you're referring to that wretched creature who took

28:52

me over. Yes. No,

28:54

he wasn't wretched. Not

28:56

wretched or not. He's the cause of my death.

28:59

I believe I'm entitled to a little bit of resentment.

29:02

Whatever relationship you had with this thing. He was

29:04

a little wretched? Well,

29:06

then if you're here, where is he? Search

29:08

me. I have it the faintest.

29:09

Albie's hand reaches down and kind of like

29:13

clutches Cordelia's. Yeah,

29:16

Cordelia's just like

29:16

frowning at him. I must apologize.

29:19

I see I've quite dampened the mood. It wasn't my intention. No,

29:22

it's okay. I mean, you own us. No responsibility.

29:24

We've never met. Yeah, it's over

29:26

in hell, so we're just kind of bummed out in general.

29:31

If you

29:31

happen to see, you know,

29:33

the guy that... ...sucked on

29:35

you, will you say hi for us?

29:38

Because we actually... we had a bit

29:40

of history with that guy. I see. He's

29:42

a good dancer. We were friends. You

29:44

realize that this guy you had a history

29:46

with is nothing more than a disease given sentience.

29:49

Yeah, yeah, I know. But like to us, he was like

29:52

a man with like a life and a personality and like

29:54

a whole like... ...thing and like emotions

29:56

and relationships. And my heart goes out

29:58

to all of you. It truly...

29:59

He truly does. You seem brokenhearted. You

30:02

must understand that to me, you are describing

30:04

a fondness for the sword that stabbed me.

30:07

Cordelia looks down at the sword that

30:09

stabbed her. Yeah, Alvy

30:11

and

30:11

Cordelia both look down.

30:13

Poor choice of words, I apologize. Yeah,

30:15

you're

30:15

kind of an apple. Yeah.

30:18

I don't think I am, but I do

30:20

apologize for- No, I think you are. Yeah,

30:22

you made my friend feel real bad. And

30:25

shame on you. It's already hard

30:27

because we're here in Hell, and you shouldn't call

30:29

people diseases. And Alvy goes

30:31

to walk away, but she can't.

30:33

Please

30:35

pardon the man as if my associates-

30:38

Oh, I am so funny.

30:40

I fall back and I don't have it so hard. And

30:44

listen there, baby. I'm wondering

30:46

if you might have seen Papa or my brothers

30:48

around here.

30:49

Oh, Otto.

30:51

Yes. I must

30:53

say, I never would

30:55

have had the boldness to express this in life, but I'm

30:58

so sorry for what you must have endured. I

31:00

knew him as a younger man. Ah. Are

31:03

you referring to my childhood as the

31:05

thing I had to endure? Yes. Oh,

31:08

good. Okay. I thought you were like, oh, I'm so sorry for

31:10

your loss. I was like, no, it was the best years of

31:12

my life. No, I- No, please. I knew

31:14

the man well enough not to say that to you.

31:16

I imagine you were thrilled. Oh,

31:18

I did it.

31:21

Oh, congratulations. Good show. Thank

31:24

you, thank you. It was one of my earlier

31:26

dances with the great

31:28

lady, Magic, and

31:30

I was hooked ever since. But

31:33

seriously, do I have to worry about running into

31:35

him around here?

31:36

And I tell you, I haven't seen him. However,

31:39

I have seen many people from my own life.

31:41

I see. Perhaps they find

31:43

you. Ah. Hell rules. Yes.

31:49

He puts a hand on your shoulder. He says, I wish you good

31:51

luck. And please, send my sincerest

31:53

apologies to your friends. I did not mean to diminish their

31:55

day. Of course. Well,

31:58

enjoy your disco fries.

32:00

don't mind if I do. And

32:03

he's like, disco fries. Yummy. There's

32:07

American cheese on my french

32:08

fries. Brown

32:12

gravy. Cordelia

32:15

is waiting at the

32:17

door to the diner with Albie

32:20

attached to her back and she's just kind of like, no,

32:23

it's OK. It's just both of them. That's just a different

32:25

guy.

32:25

Yeah, it wasn't him. Yeah.

32:27

It's just a different person.

32:30

Different guy. But, you know,

32:33

he reminds you of your Ivan that's still

32:36

hard.

32:38

And as they walk

32:40

out of the diner and Cordelia is walking backwards,

32:43

she's taking in the room. Bye, Junior.

32:46

Oh, you're dead. Love you, buddy. What?

32:51

Hello, all, Sir Ivan passes

32:54

on his apologies and again, you

32:57

knew someone who looked like him, that's all.

33:00

Yeah. All right,

33:02

let's go save this. We find

33:05

that devil.

33:06

He looks his lips.

33:08

And at that you hear a begging

33:11

a pardon. I do apologize. And you

33:13

see Count Ivan is wiping

33:15

the brown gravy and American

33:18

cheese from his mouth.

33:20

I couldn't help it over

33:22

here. You're planning to go to the school?

33:25

Yes, yes. Yeah. I

33:27

do know the way I could provide travel. Oh.

33:34

Cord, Cord, I think it's up to you.

33:36

I could be in front. Is

33:38

this better? Yeah. Yeah.

33:40

Cordelia just turns around, so I'll be

33:43

facing forward. How much time

33:45

did we have to travel around with people

33:47

like hot, ruddy and such? I

33:49

want to I want to spend some time

33:51

on the road with one of my people. We

33:54

cut now back to the material plane.

33:56

We see an old country road alongside the

33:58

K River.

33:59

This truck made entirely of goblins, the

34:02

gyro's spread, is careening down the

34:04

road. Hot Roddy sits in the driver's

34:06

seat, beneath his ass is a large kenku

34:08

egg, wrapped in his leather jacket, and

34:10

makeshift nest. Music is coming

34:13

out of a brass Victrola horn sticking

34:15

out of one of the goblins' asses that

34:16

make up the dashboard. Hot Roddy sings,

34:19

Life in the highway,

34:22

I wanna ride it all

34:24

night long. If

34:28

you're going wow way,

34:30

I wanna drive it all night

34:33

long.

34:35

Gimme gimme gimme gimme yeah! Promised

34:38

in a peak at those Memphis nights, the kyber

34:40

passed the Vancouver slides. Drop

34:43

your tail back up again, I'm in your

34:45

heart, I'm not a lonely man. Roddy

34:47

hears

34:47

sirens and looks into the driver's side

34:49

rearview mirror, which is just an extremely clean

34:52

and reflective goblin tongue. He sees

34:54

a witch hunter carriage with his sirens on. Ah

34:57

shit, the pigs. He packed the

34:59

eggs. Don't worry little

35:01

guy, I met what I said and

35:03

I said what I meant. An uncle is

35:05

faithful, 100%.

35:11

Hey Roodetails fans, it's Joe here

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and I'm here to let you know that this episode

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of Roodetails of Magic is

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36:37

I ask

36:38

my dentist to make my teeth

36:41

teeth like beak. And

36:43

that is why I am doing an hour

36:45

of comedy and songs called Teeth

36:48

Like Beak, an hour of joy with

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Tim Platt in New York City at

36:52

City Vineyard. Check my socials for a ticket

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link. But then my dentist

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he make

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teeth sharp like beaks.

37:01

Hi I'm Christopher Hastings. If you're

37:03

worried about financial security in your senior years,

37:06

the reverse mortgage from Chastity Bank may- Whoa!

37:10

Tenor! Whoa am I in the body of

37:12

some guy who read mad copies? Oh blah. Yeah

37:15

sorry.

37:15

Hey don't worry about it I'm a

37:17

business owner myself. Let's sell

37:19

some shit. Like

37:22

this limited edition other side diner

37:24

coffee mug. Available until

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October 31st at RudeTalesOfMagic.com.

37:30

For only $22 you can

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pretend you stole it right off one of my

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tables. Sounds beautiful.

37:38

I wish this wasn't a podcast so I could actually see it. Hey

37:40

you got a computer don't you?

37:43

Go to RudeTalesOfMagic.com and

37:45

feature us

37:45

and that pay up. Oh wow

37:48

look

37:48

at that gorgeous other side diner logo.

37:51

Uh huh. Ooh and that mug's got

37:53

heft. Oh yeah great. Buy

37:56

one buy five. They'll only

37:58

be on sale at RudeTalesOfMagic.com. It's

38:00

October 31st.

38:01

That's Halloween. I

38:03

am I'm playing Date

38:08

this guy's thought to wake up Representatives

38:12

are standing by at root tales of magic

38:35

We go now to a watering hole.

38:38

Oh, it's so rustic and charming. It's

38:40

out beyond the suburbs It's the late

38:42

afternoon. Oh the light is coming through

38:44

a big tree hanging

38:46

over the the watering hole There's a tire

38:49

swing hanging off of a big sturdy branch

38:52

a little girl looks up at stir-fry Ginny

38:56

Boring people fail it is

38:58

up to each and every one of us to hone

39:01

in on our own individuality

39:03

and express that individuality

39:05

through means of self-expression

39:08

Those means can be art those means

39:11

can be sports those means can

39:13

be Faith but tonight

39:16

you're working on one of most effective beings

39:18

of self-expression swimming

39:22

She waits with you for five hours for the Sun to

39:24

set So now it's

39:26

night. You know what? It actually

39:29

might have been better during the day. I don't

39:31

want to wait again Let's just do it now

39:33

night swimming will be fine. Oh,

39:35

look at you You already picked your first

39:38

means of self-expression. You're the kind of bitch

39:40

that swims at night. Yeah, I am

39:42

I want to swim at night I want my first time swimming

39:44

to be at night. Let's do it See look at you.

39:46

You already said you stink from all of your pairs, too

39:49

I don't like very much need better

39:51

friends That's enough talking and she

39:53

puts a hand out to you and she's just gonna walk

39:55

she just marches into the water

39:59

She's struggling. She already she begins drowning

40:02

in the water. Oh, no. Zurfrai zooms

40:04

immediately with his flapping fly

40:06

wings above her. He grabs her and

40:09

then then lifts like a helicopter,

40:11

vertically right out of that water, holding

40:14

her under her shoulders. She begins

40:16

spinning under you. Aaah!

40:18

No! No! No! No! No!

40:22

No! No! I keep

40:24

being over it. I'm getting sick.

40:27

I'm gonna throw up. At least I

40:29

threw up in my face.

40:33

I threw up. She stops spinning.

40:35

Ugh!

40:38

Disgusting,

40:38

Guinea. This is why you must not be so

40:41

enthusiastic. You must listen to me. You can't

40:43

just march into water. The first step of learning

40:45

how to swim is learning how to float. And

40:47

floating is quite different than marching

40:49

into water. You're right.

40:52

Enthusiasm leads to sickness, which

40:54

leads to death. Exactly.

40:57

We must pinpoint through precision, care,

41:00

and practice how to actually express

41:03

the inner enthusiasms we imagine we have.

41:05

If we just let loose the enthusiasms that happen

41:07

naturally, well then someone gets

41:09

a little vomit on his face, eh? Is

41:11

that what happened to you? Yeah. You

41:14

vomited in my face because you didn't listen to me. No,

41:16

I meant the other thing. Did you get too enthusiastic

41:18

when you were realized?

41:20

Stir-Fry looks up in the sky, looks

41:23

back down. You know what I actually did?

41:26

Always way too enthusiastic about things that,

41:28

in retrospect, were about more than just the

41:30

things that I thought I wanted to be enthusiastic about. Sometimes

41:33

enthusiasm is a bit of a social casual

41:36

against yourself and others. So

41:38

it's rude to be excited? No.

41:41

You just gotta sometimes think about later why,

41:44

what you were actually excited about. And

41:46

what your excitement meant for other people around

41:48

you. Wait, do you mean

41:49

the spark of life that makes me

41:51

excited to get up in the morning? Should I extinguish

41:53

it? No, but

41:55

you should put walls around it and only

41:58

sometimes allow the oxygen to keep that...

41:59

Flame a-going.

42:02

Huh. I'm your guardian angel. And

42:05

the windows of the day have risen.

42:13

And we're back. You stand at the

42:15

edge of a vast swamp. Count Ivan

42:17

plucks knives out of his flesh like he's plucking

42:19

burrs off of a dog's fur. Terribly

42:22

sorry about the swamp of xenophobic knives.

42:24

There was simply no way around it. Are you

42:26

sure? There was the bridge, but

42:29

I guarantee you the bridge was even

42:31

walled. You look at the bridge and the bridge,

42:33

you see people crossing the bridge and the bridge

42:36

circumcises everybody who goes across it. No!

42:41

Everybody? Everybody.

42:42

Okay.

42:43

Elby, uh, Elby

42:46

pulls two knives out of

42:48

her eyebrows. And

42:50

they're like, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. She

42:54

shakes her face off. I

42:56

could have done without the weeks-long

42:58

trip down the hallway of mother-in-law's.

43:01

Yeah. But it wasn't all bad. I

43:03

was able to get the blade of nightmares kiss

43:05

from Lady Dreamdeath. That should help

43:08

us in our fight with Lessakhan. Yes,

43:13

I like this one. There's a silver lining to every cloud with

43:15

him, isn't there? And if he didn't throw the cage of

43:17

the Hawks in, he never would have met me.

43:19

Hawkeye! The little hawk

43:21

who loved this sin. Cash,

43:24

remember the moment he showed up and we thought he was stir-fry?

43:27

Uh... Yeah,

43:30

yeah, especially because I couldn't see him. So I was

43:32

like, wow, that sounds like stir-fry! Hey,

43:34

once again, I'm not your old friend. It

43:36

offends me whenever you bring him up. I never

43:38

tried to replace him, nor do I think I ever

43:41

would. He's your friend, you had your relationships.

43:43

Look, look, look, look. This is the end of our journey.

43:46

You've made it to the school of Hawkeye.

43:48

You and I seem to be bumming the group out. Why

43:51

don't you and I venture elsewhere? All

43:53

right. Can I have a second take on

43:55

my name? Yeah, I

43:58

think you should. I think that legally it would be better. But

44:01

we will keep you saying it and then asking

44:03

for a second take. Cool.

44:05

I'm unbelievable ground. Wow.

44:09

You know what? Fair's fair.

44:11

That's a lot better. That was great

44:13

Disney. Come

44:16

with me, unbelievable ground. Great

44:19

to meet you all. Hope you've solved all your

44:21

problems. Bye, thank

44:23

you. Unbelievable ground. This is the

44:25

beginning of a beautiful friendship, and they

44:27

walk off out of the narrative. Talk

44:29

sin by walking. Hey, unbelievable.

44:32

Yeah? Don't forget what I told you. Patience

44:35

is a virtue, but it can also be a sin. Hey,

44:37

Bello. Thanks.

44:42

Why did you say that to him? What does it mean?

44:44

It was when we were with Lady

44:46

Dream Death. It's not important. Oh, okay.

44:50

That's so crazy because

44:51

at that point I was on fire, and

44:53

I thought I was hot before, and Cordelia's

44:55

just charred. Oh,

44:58

Cordelia. I

45:01

heard every single time you said that over

45:03

the past week, and I'm so glad...

45:06

Nobody's reacting to it! I'm so

45:08

glad they finally heard it this time.

45:10

Come on! I'm eight times

45:12

the charm.

45:12

Cordelia, before anyone can react, you turn

45:15

around and you see it.

45:18

Welcome

45:19

to Polaris University. That's our school.

45:22

Your once hallowed halls look largely the same. Well,

45:25

that's it. End of description. Ha

45:27

ha ha ha ha! Just kidding, idiot! And

45:29

by the way, I typed that ha ha ha ha

45:32

ha with J's in an effort to

45:34

reach a more international audience. Hola,

45:36

amigos. What I think of it as called is

45:39

that while the school itself is

45:41

largely unchanged, the Pacific

45:43

Northwest temperate rainforest, which

45:45

it once sat in, has been ripped from

45:47

all around it, replaced with a hellish

45:49

atmosphere of flame. Gone

45:52

are the verdant park areas and shady

45:54

spots to sit and study. They've all

45:56

been replaced with parking lots full of

45:58

the cars from...

45:59

twisted metal, which yes, you can drive,

46:02

and an enormous freeway cutting across

46:04

the campus. Profane graffiti

46:07

covers most of the noble greystone,

46:09

like a subway car in the 70s. And

46:12

everywhere you look, the name Polaris

46:14

University has been replaced with

46:16

imposing letters which read, Lexicon

46:19

Matters, School for the Damned.

46:23

Damn it, looks so much like Polaris,

46:25

but I guess we're not there yet. No,

46:28

I, fellow.

46:31

It's, it is, it is hilarious, or,

46:33

it was hilarious, remember, uh, Lexicon

46:36

Matters sounded the spoon and he

46:38

took it over again in hell? He's

46:41

a Dean now, you have to destroy him?

46:44

He renamed it? Yeah,

46:46

I think that's one of the things he changed when he took it

46:48

over.

46:49

Fellow, as if divine intervention

46:51

is stepping in to help you understand

46:54

what's going on here, you look

46:56

to

46:57

your left,

46:58

you look to your right, you look

47:00

to your left again, and you

47:02

see your frat brothers shackled

47:04

together at the neck, pulling an enormous

47:06

sleigh, a clean-shaven

47:09

thin man without rosy cheeks, and

47:11

wearing all green cracks the whip. Oh,

47:13

oh, oh, I'm Antique

47:16

Claus! My brothers,

47:18

they

47:19

transferred?

47:21

You hear them, but, uh, uh, uh, uh,

47:24

uh, uh, what kind of bowel did are you? Wait,

47:28

no, that's not right. Yeah,

47:29

what kind of bowel would you be if you

47:32

were in hell?

47:34

The whip cracks again. I'm

47:36

Antique Claus. My

47:40

boys didn't transfer, they never would, no. It's

47:43

not them who transferred. The school transferred,

47:45

to hell. This is Polaris. You

47:48

got there. That's the bellow that founded

47:50

a government. This

47:56

used to be my playground.

47:59

So is that the real anti-claws?

48:03

I suspect so. I

48:06

don't know if you guys are familiar, but Tiefling

48:08

parents always tell children that anti-claws

48:10

isn't real. Oh. The

48:13

sleigh goes right by in front of you, and

48:15

he says, your parents lied to you, I am

48:17

real. He cracks the whip again. Ha ha!

48:20

Oh, oh, oh!

48:26

Well, I get- There's only one thing

48:28

to do, I'm unburied. Ha

48:30

ha ha ha ha ha! Oh,

48:33

but your big guys help me out! 364 days

48:36

out of the year, I take gifts! And

48:38

Belo produces a lump of coal.

48:41

How? I

48:44

don't know. I just wanted to use that producer

48:47

that I wanted

48:47

to know. The producer does imply

48:49

that there's like a biological- Did he like wax

48:51

it? Yeah. You expressed

48:54

a lump of coal. From his hoodie

48:57

pocket, Belo produces a lump of coal. Anti-claws

48:59

takes it and eats it and says, yum, yum, yum, yum! Thank

49:02

you, this is milk and cookies to me! Ha ha! He cracks

49:04

his whip, and the sleigh goes

49:07

further on into campus. Goodbye!

49:09

Wait!

49:11

Can we hitch a ride? No!

49:14

On fretboard, bro! On fretboard! On

49:16

fretboard! On fretboard! On fretboard!

49:19

On fretboard! On fretboard! On fretboard!

49:22

He's got to help them, my nameless friends!

49:26

To both of you he's looking around, he's like, we're

49:29

right by the front entrance. If

49:31

stir fry was going to know

49:33

to meet up with us, it would be here, but I don't

49:36

see him.

49:36

Oh yeah! She's sort of whipping around.

49:39

Where is stir

49:41

fry? What the- Oh, sorry.

49:44

Stirf! Make a perception

49:46

roll. Branson, I got a nat 20.

49:49

I got a three. Oh wait, I got a three! Okay.

49:52

Wait, wait, wait, I got a five. And I rolled

49:54

a one. Sounds like

49:56

it's up to them. Cordelia.

49:58

Yeah. Albie. You guys are whipping

50:01

around, you're looking all over and all you

50:03

see are these horrible new German expressionist

50:05

angles to Polaris University. It

50:08

is, it's foreboding, it looks like the

50:10

cabinet of Dr. Caligari. Oh, dude!

50:12

Good for me. And as you

50:14

see, like, what's going on in the

50:17

school, you're overtaken by the horror to

50:19

bonesbeak. You can't even stand to

50:22

look at it. This was once a place of knowledge, a

50:24

place of education. You see

50:26

as there's a book burning

50:28

ceremony.

50:29

Knowledge is just lost as little imps

50:32

dance around it. It's like, no, no, no,

50:34

no, no, no, no, no.

50:39

You see Polaris

50:41

University. You remember it. It's not the same layout

50:43

that it always had, but you also see someone

50:46

very interesting. You see the back

50:48

half of a human RA. He

50:52

looks like an illustrated man

50:54

diagram with all of the front stuff

50:56

missing. Two eyeballs dangled

50:58

uselessly from optic nerves connected to the back

51:01

half of his brain. His tongue flaps

51:03

around, sticking out from his four

51:05

back molars. Mercifully, he speaks

51:07

with his original voice, Dungeon

51:09

Master's delight. Hehehe. Huh?

51:12

What are you guys doing here? Um, we're

51:15

here to save you? Save

51:18

me? I'm a resident assistant. My

51:21

job is to save

51:22

you. Okay, well maybe you

51:24

can help us find, um, Lexicon

51:26

Matters? Lexicon Matters?

51:29

Gulp?

51:29

He tries to gulp, but like

51:32

there's not, you just see like the back

51:34

of his throat just sort of like trying to move.

51:37

Oh god, oh god, oh god,

51:39

oh god, no.

51:41

Oh god. Douglas, is that you?

51:45

And he looks at you, to bones

51:47

be strangely. Really strangely, his eyes are

51:49

just like hanging from optic nerves. Really,

51:52

he's just like through magic he's taking you in. He

51:54

says, huh? I know you.

51:56

I thought I told you not to study in there. That room

51:59

was awfully- It sounds

52:01

like not listening to you saved my life,

52:03

you dumb shit. Hold

52:06

on! Being here, you got me killed!

52:09

You shouldn't have followed if you can't hang.

52:12

You're mean.

52:14

You're a jerk. A little bit. My mom

52:16

says there's only one way to handle jerks. How?

52:21

Turn the other cheek, but I don't

52:23

have any! Okay.

52:26

Okay. So

52:28

wait, can you not show us to Mr. Matters?

52:31

I can, and I will!

52:33

Oh, thank you, Douglas! The RAO,

52:35

this is a solemn one!

52:38

Wait, your name wasn't Douglas when I knew you?

52:41

No, my name's not Douglas. It's, uh,

52:44

hold on, it's written down here somewhere. My

52:46

name is something! It's, uh,

52:49

Rommel Saris!

52:51

Oh, that's right! I had a hard

52:53

time pronouncing it, so I decided his name is

52:55

Douglas. Oh, that's,

52:57

yeah, that's you. But I'm a new

52:59

man now! I'm Rommel Saris! I'll

53:02

never go by the name Douglas!

53:04

Alright, Rommel. That's fine. I'm

53:06

a changed man. I can hang. You

53:09

should learn. Oh, man.

53:11

We're

53:12

also actually, we're looking for

53:14

our friend. I don't know if he know him, um,

53:17

Sir Fry? He's a Ken-Kook.

53:19

We were hoping that he'd meet us here.

53:21

The other one? Yeah,

53:23

what do you mean the other one? Yes? There were

53:25

two in that room! Yes, sir! Yes.

53:30

Yeah, I remember him well. It was the last thing

53:32

I ever saw before I was split

53:34

in twain.

53:36

Ew. But you haven't encountered

53:38

him here in the Netherrealm. No,

53:40

thank God.

53:41

If it's helpful, he's the last thing a lot

53:43

of people saw before they died. It

53:46

is. It's always good to be a member

53:48

of a community. Yeah.

53:52

I'm so glad we get to hear more from this guy now,

53:54

some many years later. He's fun. I

53:57

love to be a part of a community. I have

53:59

eight years!

53:59

Yeah, I've been to

54:01

a lot of people.

54:04

Yeah, people

54:06

think it's made up, and in my case it is. My

54:12

dude, I actually lived off campus, so

54:14

you're not really my assistant, but nevertheless,

54:17

do you know, perhaps, like any important

54:20

items that matter a lot to Lexicon?

54:22

I should say so. Everything

54:26

he keeps in his office is pretty important.

54:28

Does he keep a lot in his office? No,

54:31

he keeps a rather spartan office. I've

54:33

seen it, you know. That's good news.

54:36

Oh, happy to help. Could you advise

54:38

us on the direction that we could go?

54:42

Yeah, good luck. There's actually

54:44

no way to get to the Dean's office. All the hallways

54:46

that leave there no longer leave there. He's

54:49

hidden himself somewhere in the school. There's

54:51

no getting to or from him. So,

54:54

on your left over there is the Yuval and

54:56

Dolly School of Bardic Studies. On

54:59

your right over there is where the Monks of No Nation

55:02

teach the monk stuff. And

55:04

over there on your right is Tish.

55:07

No.

55:10

Wow, the School of Monk Studies is,

55:13

um...

55:15

Is Bento still

55:16

around?

55:17

I'm not on a first name basis with the Monks

55:19

of No Nation. I'm not a monk. OK,

55:23

I guess I'm not either, really, anymore. I'm

55:26

a poetry major. Oh, you are?

55:28

Yeah.

55:29

Nothing, not even the rain has such small

55:31

hands.

55:34

Hey, Rommel. Oh.

55:37

Do you know where the original

55:39

Dean is? The original Dean?

55:42

Like, you know, the... Shush, shush,

55:44

shush. He goes to Shushu,

55:46

but it's a grim... He doesn't really have an

55:48

index finger, because I was on the front half of his hand. So

55:51

with the pinky, like Dr. Evil, he goes to

55:53

Shushu. It's a grim visual.

55:56

I know the way to the Dean. What

56:00

did you say? Oh, you know a little

56:02

word. Sorry, my voice. I

56:04

know the way to the

56:05

Dean. Do you mean like the con matters

56:07

or the Dean?

56:08

No, the real Dean, the true Dean.

56:11

The one true Dean. Even now I'm loyal

56:14

to the one true Dean.

56:16

The once and future Dean? Yeah,

56:19

we don't know that.

56:20

Yes, he is the future Dean.

56:22

He is?

56:24

All that has been done can be undone. Really?

56:27

Yes. What do you mean? If only someone

56:29

could destroy lexicon matters. All that has been

56:32

done could be undone.

56:33

So should we see the real Dean first or should we

56:35

see lexicon first? Hold on,

56:37

Albie. Do you have some kind of secret sign or

56:39

symbol to show your allegiance to the Dean?

56:42

Yes, of course. You

56:44

just point to the nearest wife.

56:46

Oh, where is she?

56:49

And he like closes

56:52

his eyes, which is somehow possible.

56:55

She hasn't eyelid, but you can tell his dangling

56:57

eyes just close. And his hand begins to

56:59

tremble and it points to

57:02

southeast.

57:05

Yes, he is one of us. It's true. Yes,

57:07

please. You must take us to the Dean. He

57:09

could be an important ally down here, you guys.

57:12

Plus maybe he'll give stir fry some

57:14

time to catch up with us. I don't want to do this without

57:16

him.

57:17

Or stir fry is already with him. Okay, yeah,

57:19

okay. Of course. Thank

57:21

you, Rommel. And it was so nice

57:24

to re-meet you and find

57:26

out for the first time that you're such a huge friend. Such a

57:28

huge fan of coming.

57:30

What?

57:31

E.E. coming?

57:33

Oh,

57:35

I thought you meant like ejaculating, which

57:37

I love. That's disgusting.

57:40

You said it! Is it Romm,

57:42

Osiris,

57:44

or Rommel, Cyrus?

57:46

You see, this is why I did it. This is why I did

57:48

what I had to do. I just...

57:51

It's actually neither. It's Romm, Osiris.

57:55

Okay.

57:56

Just call me fucking Douglas. Okay,

57:59

thank you. Thank you

58:01

Douglas. My eternal voice has started

58:03

calling myself Douglas. Yes,

58:07

yes, I was right. I was always

58:09

right in life. Okay, so show us the way to the Dean,

58:11

Doug. Right this way. And he leads you

58:14

down a dark path, down into

58:16

the Polaris University dungeons,

58:18

which were always there. He leads

58:20

you down deep into the catacombs.

58:23

Right this way. This is

58:25

where the experimental theater group meant.

58:31

This is where they put on more horse. And

58:35

offending the audience.

58:36

Cool. I saw a screening

58:38

of line describing a cone down

58:40

here. And I never walked these wretched

58:42

halls. Students

58:45

should not act.

58:49

He leads you to large wooden doors.

58:52

They're locked and he fiddles with cheese.

58:55

I warn you, what you're about to see

58:57

is not suitable for sensitive

59:00

viewers. Okay. We're in hell

59:02

Douglas.

59:04

I know, but even in hell,

59:07

this is especially nasty.

59:09

Oh, she is. Oh, oh.

59:13

He opens the door and you see

59:15

it. The

59:18

worst punishment of all time.

59:20

What is it?

59:22

I'll tell you, Allie. Tell me

59:24

to. I'll tell you all.

59:27

Benevolent DM that I am.

59:30

You see the deed. You're welcome. You

59:32

see the deed

59:34

with a large iron chain

59:36

around his ankle. He's

59:38

in a whiteless desert. Just

59:41

out of reach from an oasis made

59:44

entirely from his wife. He

59:47

screams

59:47

in agony as he reaches

59:50

out to her, but cannot reach her.

59:51

She took

59:53

my last name of her own volition.

59:56

Like a rat in a trap. He tries to gnaw

59:58

his foot off to escape.

59:59

go give his wife kisses. But every time

1:00:02

he chews his foot off, two more

1:00:04

grow back. This is the worst

1:00:06

punishment of all time! And I should know,

1:00:09

my dad died in his 90s, I

1:00:11

think I said! He

1:00:13

looks over, with a wild-looking his eye, and he catches

1:00:16

Bella's- You?!

1:00:18

Dean?

1:00:19

Oh, Bella, what

1:00:21

did I tell you?

1:00:24

I...

1:00:25

I don't recall. Neither do I, but

1:00:27

I bet it was serious. What

1:00:29

have you got me into this time? I

1:00:32

didn't get you into anything. Oh, bullshit,

1:00:34

I know you. I know your kind. No, I was-

1:00:37

Always hot-shotting around the campus like

1:00:39

you're some big shot. You think you're so

1:00:41

special. What do you mean,

1:00:43

his kind? You know, guys like him. The hot

1:00:46

boys. Oh. Why are you so

1:00:48

fixated on my hotness? It's just

1:00:50

c-c-c-cuz I was hot when I was young, and

1:00:52

now I'm more of a salt-and-pepper

1:00:54

kind of thing. I think you're handsome. I

1:00:57

am handsome, but I miss being hot. I

1:00:59

thought I was hot, and then I caught on fire.

1:01:01

Oh, okay,

1:01:03

pretty good one. Okay, I like you.

1:01:06

I'm not a bad man, I just hate this kid.

1:01:08

Belo, I swear to God, if you

1:01:10

don't get me out of this pickle, if you

1:01:12

don't straighten up and fly right, you're

1:01:15

gonna be looking at an expulsion.

1:01:18

Dean, we all voluntarily

1:01:21

died so we could come here and save you. That's

1:01:23

a good first step.

1:01:26

By the way, and Belo turns to

1:01:28

wife.

1:01:29

Diana, it's so nice to see you.

1:01:31

Belo, oh my God, it's how long has it

1:01:33

been? It's always a pleasure.

1:01:35

Have you been working on your serve? I haven't

1:01:37

been able to do anything. I'm an oasis now, just

1:01:40

out of reach for my husband. A terrible punishment

1:01:42

for us both.

1:01:43

Hmm, that's too bad. I really

1:01:46

fed you up to your tennis game. I've been trying,

1:01:49

but I'm an oasis without arms and legs.

1:01:52

Anyways, I'm trying to save you both. And he turns

1:01:54

back to the Dean. Oh, Belo, don't

1:01:56

you ever try to make time with my wife? I

1:01:59

don't know.

1:01:59

I don't think that's what you're trying to do.

1:02:02

You stay out of this! Okay.

1:02:05

He's always had an eye for my wife. And

1:02:07

who could blame him? Ooh, she's a delight. Actually,

1:02:10

I'm in a relationship with Albie. Oh, well,

1:02:12

congratulations to you both.

1:02:14

Thank you.

1:02:15

Thank you, Dean.

1:02:16

I'm actually not involved, even though I'm attached.

1:02:19

Okay, I don't need your life story,

1:02:22

but you're gonna get mine. My name is Dean.

1:02:24

I am the Dean. My dad died when he was

1:02:26

in his 90s. And for reasons that

1:02:29

are never especially clear, I hate

1:02:31

Bellows so much. Bellows, you are on

1:02:33

thin ice. If you don't get me out of this pickle,

1:02:36

I'd so help me God. I'm gonna creep

1:02:38

my way out of this chain and I'm gonna expel

1:02:41

you from this school. Do

1:02:42

I make myself clear? Would you

1:02:44

bite yourself out of this chain? I could

1:02:46

watch and he bites his foot off. Two more feet,

1:02:48

bro. Oh, dude, listen,

1:02:51

Dean.

1:02:52

I've always heard that the best educators

1:02:55

give their students the tools they need to succeed.

1:02:58

So is there anything you can tell us to help us

1:03:00

fight Lessakon Matters and defeat him once and for all

1:03:02

and save the school? I'm not an

1:03:05

educator, I'm an administrator.

1:03:08

Okay.

1:03:09

My job isn't to educate,

1:03:11

but to facilitate education. And scoundrels

1:03:14

like you make that job as hard as it's ever

1:03:16

been. I have half a mind to put you

1:03:18

in this chain. If only I could. I

1:03:20

would, I'd chain a student. Yeah,

1:03:23

you're right, Dean. I've

1:03:25

been a bad student. I just haven't

1:03:29

had the leadership to show me the way.

1:03:32

That's right, you haven't had the leadership. Because

1:03:34

nobody would do it because everyone knew you

1:03:36

were a bad kid. It's weird to hear you talk

1:03:38

like this though. I'll tell you that much.

1:03:41

I just wish

1:03:42

one of my role models would take

1:03:44

me under their wing and help me reach

1:03:47

my potential. Oh, sure. But who's

1:03:49

gonna do it? Who's a cool enough man to be

1:03:51

a hot boy like you's role model? It

1:03:54

would have to be someone really honorable

1:03:57

and... Really honorable, really wise. Oh, someone

1:03:59

who's handsome. He used to be hot, now he's just handsome.

1:04:01

Probably somebody whose dad died when he was 90s. But

1:04:04

maybe still hot? Still hot in his own

1:04:07

way, yes, that's right. But who could

1:04:09

that be? I don't know. Oh, Bello,

1:04:11

I'll do it! God dares, if you

1:04:13

kids can find this man, if you're not smart

1:04:16

enough to find a mentor, I'll be your goddamn

1:04:18

mentor. Now, here's what you're gonna

1:04:20

do, Bello. You're gonna close your eyes and you're gonna walk

1:04:22

to the dean's office. I know you know the way. Okay.

1:04:25

How many times are you in trouble? How many times

1:04:28

did I pull you into my office on some

1:04:31

loaded pretense? It seemed like every time

1:04:33

you remembered I existed. But you ought to know

1:04:35

the way there, so I dare you to go march into that

1:04:37

office right now and you tell that

1:04:38

dean who's dean and that it's me. You're

1:04:41

right, and how will I defeat him?

1:04:44

How? Yeah.

1:04:45

I'll tell you how. I'll tell you how.

1:04:47

That miserable dean, he's got this, this,

1:04:50

this crux. All of his power. It's

1:04:52

this, it's this, it's bad. I saw it. I saw

1:04:54

nobody there. People think I didn't see it, but I was in the office.

1:04:57

He set it down on the table. What? But you probably

1:04:59

wouldn't tell what it is to a bad kid like

1:05:01

me. No, I wouldn't tell what it is to a bad kid

1:05:03

like you. A bad kid like you has no business

1:05:05

knowing instead of a silver platter of some sort.

1:05:09

Hiding out in the open. I wish you could tell me,

1:05:11

but I guess I'll have to go in without that knowledge. Yeah,

1:05:13

you will. You'll always wander not

1:05:15

knowing because you were never a student. You never

1:05:17

buckled up. You never flew right. Now get out

1:05:20

of here. You make me sick. I can spin

1:05:22

now, and Velo spinulates.

1:05:27

Diana clap. Velo! Thank

1:05:30

you. Yeah. Well, good to see

1:05:32

you, Dean. You and I never had any troubles. I was

1:05:34

an excellent student both times around.

1:05:36

It's a big school. I can't be to repair.

1:05:40

Velo shuts his

1:05:43

eyes.

1:05:44

You shut your eyes, and you begin to drift

1:05:47

from this horrible place. And as you do, you

1:05:49

just hear Diana saying, that was nice.

1:05:52

Oh, Velo, your eyes are closed,

1:05:56

and you're drifting. Trifting through time,

1:05:59

and through space. I'm just

1:06:01

and I'm just thinking about missed class

1:06:04

and demerits

1:06:07

and

1:06:08

academic probation. It's

1:06:10

like you're in a musical and just like neon signs

1:06:12

of your past just sort of passed by you

1:06:15

just overhead of just like detention,

1:06:19

frat party, haggards

1:06:22

selling unauthorized PU merch.

1:06:26

Your life, your history, it's beginning to your

1:06:28

van wilder past is beginning to catch up to

1:06:30

you.

1:06:32

Before you know it you see large

1:06:34

neon doors in front of you. Belo opens

1:06:36

his eyes. You see very

1:06:39

familiar doors. Why

1:06:41

look you've been walking

1:06:44

for minutes. You're outside

1:06:46

of the office of the

1:06:47

peak.

1:06:54

Belo remains standing

1:06:57

straight forward facing the doors and

1:06:59

without turning his head he says,

1:07:01

did you guys follow me? Yeah.

1:07:06

Oh good great okay good I did not want to go in there

1:07:08

alone. No

1:07:09

no you wouldn't let you.

1:07:12

Belo floats towards the door and

1:07:14

then he finally looks back and he says,

1:07:17

everybody ready? I wish

1:07:19

stir-fry was here but yay.

1:07:23

It is forever gonna be. I got your

1:07:25

back. Let's kill this

1:07:27

man. Thanks

1:07:30

Rhett.

1:07:33

I know he's not here but

1:07:36

that doesn't mean he's not in the fest. Because

1:07:39

we've been through so much weird crap

1:07:41

with stir-fry that despite

1:07:44

our best efforts he's rubbed off on all

1:07:46

of us.

1:07:48

We all have a little fucked up guy in us and right

1:07:51

now before we walk through these

1:07:53

doors well this is the time to let it out.

1:07:59

Nobody fucks with us.

1:08:01

Nobody fucks with us.

1:08:02

Nobody fucks with us.

1:08:05

Follow the clock for a while. I

1:08:07

will call the doctor. That's

1:08:10

right.

1:08:11

Whatever that means.

1:08:17

And Belo turns around and

1:08:19

knocks on the door.

1:08:23

Slowly,

1:08:24

the doors open. From

1:08:27

within, you hear a voice say,

1:08:31

Come in. That

1:08:38

way. Ali Fisher

1:08:40

has Cordelia. Harley

1:08:43

Bonado has Albie. Christopher

1:08:46

Hastings has Frederick the Bonfie.

1:08:49

Lola Pa has Belo. Tim

1:08:52

Platt is Staircrown.

1:08:53

And Branson Reese is

1:08:55

every single one else. Weird

1:08:58

tales

1:08:58

of magic is produced by Bucket

1:09:00

of Milk. Edited, sound

1:09:02

design and scored by Michael

1:09:04

Wolff. The

1:09:05

traditional sound design from Michael

1:09:07

Gelsie and Taylor Moore. And

1:09:10

as always, special thanks

1:09:12

to Kyle Button and Sidney and Benjamin

1:09:14

Paul. And our big freak

1:09:17

Christina Lopez. But

1:09:19

don't go. Join us in two

1:09:21

weeks on Halloween for Black Tales

1:09:23

of Depravity 2.

1:09:24

Test of the Mummy's

1:09:27

Curd. And two

1:09:29

weeks after that, the finale

1:09:31

of the Class of Smith campaign.

1:09:34

Wow. We've

1:09:35

finally done it. We've finally

1:09:37

ended the Class of Smith campaign.

1:09:40

I hope we find out what happened to Milka. I

1:09:42

have it all here in my

1:09:43

book, but I daren't skip ahead.

1:09:47

Oh, and then, speaking of skipping ahead, two weeks

1:09:49

after that, the next chapter of

1:09:51

Rude Tales begins. Oh,

1:09:54

we have such sights to show

1:09:56

you. Oh, you wonderful

1:09:58

weirdos. idea what you're

1:10:01

in for. You think these graves freak themselves?

1:10:04

They don't. I freak

1:10:06

the graves. Don't tell the cops.

1:10:21

Back up top on the material plane. Roddy's

1:10:24

truck is pulled over to the side of the road. The

1:10:26

Kay River to his right. A witch

1:10:29

hunter in knee-high boots is riding on a

1:10:31

notepad.

1:10:32

So you said you're delivering

1:10:34

medicine to grandmothers. And

1:10:37

you cannot show me the medicine because there's porn

1:10:39

in the medicine, but not illegal

1:10:42

porn, just gross stuff that

1:10:44

I wouldn't be into. Uh,

1:10:46

yeah, that is correct, officer. And

1:10:48

if you'll excuse me, I'm late. Those

1:10:51

grandmothers are coughing up a storm. Mm-hmm.

1:10:54

Likely a story?

1:10:56

A large seafaring ship passes

1:10:58

by slowly on the mighty Kay as

1:11:00

the witch hunter eyes Roddy. And

1:11:02

then, his notepad. For

1:11:05

he notices Roddy's mug painted under

1:11:07

the word Wanted. He glances

1:11:09

back into the truck and sees the egg Roddy is

1:11:11

sitting on. Okay,

1:11:14

sir, I'm gonna need you to step out of the vehicle and hand

1:11:16

me that egg. Uh, I'm

1:11:18

sorry, officer, but I'm actually not gonna be able

1:11:20

to honor your bitch-ass request. Those

1:11:22

grandmas are, uh, they're getting nasty. Sir,

1:11:25

I am not gonna ask you a second time. Hand

1:11:27

over the egg now. We see

1:11:29

Roddy's reflection in the cop's sunglasses as

1:11:32

his expression darkens, fire in his eyes. Nice

1:11:36

underbite, virgin.

1:11:38

From the passing ship, we

1:11:40

see a small explosion

1:11:44

as witch hunter origins woohooing goblins

1:11:46

fly everywhere. A small greaser

1:11:48

dwarf clutching an egg wrapped in a leather

1:11:50

jacket hits the deck of the ship. He rolls

1:11:52

like a bowling ball, landing at the feet of

1:11:54

a beautiful kenku in flowing robes. She

1:11:57

makes the sound of crashing waves.

1:12:02

She looks at Roddy strangely, and

1:12:05

then snaps. A human pirate

1:12:07

rushes to her side and reads from a wanted poster.

1:12:09

Pah, Roddy, the uncle with the muckle,

1:12:11

wanted. She makes the sound of a VHS

1:12:14

tape being fast forwarded and he cuts to the end.

1:12:17

Member of the rules, Haven Six.

1:12:20

She makes the sound of a ringing bell. And

1:12:23

then a foghorn.

1:12:30

That was a Headgum Podcast.