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Welcome back to RUDETails of

2:28

Magic, the

2:30

only podcast recorded in a

2:33

graveyard. That's right. We're all

2:35

outside recording this. We edit

2:37

out the howling winds and

2:40

calling ravens and shambling ghouls,

2:42

and we pass the savings on to you.

2:44

On with the show. Oh

2:46

wait, spooky pun. On

2:49

with the bow and arrow. Shooting

2:52

an arrow into a child's

2:54

skull like William Tell. Oh

2:57

wait, William. Okay,

3:04

Piss Harbor. The crown

3:06

jewel of the greater Piss Harbor

3:08

metropolitan area. When you're

3:10

here, you're family. But

3:13

not in the beautiful and sincerely welcoming

3:15

way that the Olive Garden means it.

3:18

No, more like the

3:20

unpleasant Thanksgiving dinner way where

3:22

everybody's at each other's throats.

3:25

That's right. It's a violent

3:27

and dangerous world here in Piss

3:29

Harbor. The sun is

3:32

setting on all of the

3:34

beautiful hard-bodied rollerbladers down on

3:36

Cigarette Butte Beach. The

3:38

palm trees, they sway silhouettingly

3:40

in the pink sunlight. But

3:43

as night falls, the scum come

3:45

out to play. And play they

3:47

do. Because baby, I think

3:50

it was Hamlet who once said,

3:52

the play's the thing. But

3:54

also, when I googled the phrase to

3:56

double check, the first result that came

3:58

up was a quick from

4:00

the Witcher 3 Wild Hunt. I

4:03

think it's sort of cool how culture

4:06

deteriorates like that. I

4:08

know it sounds like I'm kidding, but I sincerely

4:10

mean that. Fuck high

4:12

art. Speaking of

4:14

fuck high art, we see a

4:17

motorcycle driving down the PCH, which

4:20

stands for Piscose Highway. It

4:23

pulls into a parking lot, just

4:25

as the pixie illuminated streetlights come

4:27

on. Jordan, who

4:30

do we see stepping off of that thing? Yeah,

4:35

you see me, knee scraper,

4:37

a rough and tumble street

4:39

tough. I'm no

4:41

good, I'm a bad egg, see?

4:44

When I turn in my homework, I

4:47

always put teacher's name at the

4:49

top, but sometimes forget to put

4:51

the period number. When

4:54

I say my prayers, I ask

4:56

God to bless mommy and daddy and

4:58

grandma and grandpa, but I sometimes forget

5:01

to ask him to bless my

5:03

aunties and uncles. When

5:05

I drink my milk, I

5:07

blow bubbles with my straw.

5:12

We should have put a warning on this one

5:14

for our younger listeners. This guy

5:16

is too bad, too rude. This

5:19

teen is on a bad path. Jordan, I

5:21

cannot believe you brought this character onto the

5:24

show. This is a rough customer. So

5:26

you're getting off of the motorcycle, and the

5:28

lights are coming on. You

5:31

see rollerbladers moving past

5:33

you, and you hear a

5:35

noise coming from the darkness. It's

5:37

a little harder to see now because the

5:39

streetlights have just come on. But

5:42

you hear a scuttling, and you hear a strange voice saying, Over

5:45

this way, over this way. Alright,

5:47

I'll investigate, but first I

5:49

gotta tell these rollerbladers to

5:51

always wear their knee pads.

5:53

Hey guys, knee health is

5:55

no joke. Alright, time

5:58

to investigate that mistake. They don't

6:00

even have a chance to reply.

6:04

They hear you and they're changed. These

6:06

rollerbladers are changed people. They get home and

6:08

they're going to count their lucky stars. They

6:11

didn't blow their knees out falling forward. As

6:14

you go forward to investigate the sound,

6:16

you see a strange silhouette. It's tall

6:18

and lanky and it seems to have

6:20

too many limbs. Hey,

6:23

you out there with all the limbs in

6:25

the darkness. Step forward so I

6:28

can see you. This here's

6:30

knee scraper's territory. I'm a rough

6:32

and tumble bad egg and if

6:34

you want to march around on

6:37

my boardwalk, I'll give

6:39

you permission. The

6:43

voice is shocked by hearing you

6:45

and it scurries away, but before

6:47

it does, a dead body is

6:50

thrown forward. A

6:52

human body. That's right and

6:54

there's a sword sticking out of its

6:56

back. That body is

6:59

bleeding, but it's dead. One of

7:01

the worst combinations possible. It's

7:04

thrown forward and one of the

7:06

rollerbladers, they screech, they come to

7:08

an Akira flight hole and they

7:10

look back at you and they

7:12

say, the knee pad guy, he's

7:14

guilty, guilty of murder. Oh

7:18

no, a misunderstanding. I better run.

7:21

But I can't run. Someone needs to pray over

7:23

this body to help it on its journey to

7:25

heaven. So I guess I'll

7:27

just have to accept the consequences.

7:33

We cut now to the

7:35

Moonlight Values bounties headquarters, now

7:37

stationed in a mall food

7:39

court. The storefront

7:41

that you're in used to sell soft

7:43

pretzels that made you get sick and

7:45

it still carries the scent of baked

7:48

dough and cinnamon sugar. Maybelline

7:50

Moonlight, a half elf, half

7:52

orc, all woman steps forward

7:54

holding a large soft pretzel

7:56

and she Addresses the groom. We

8:01

got a really sad one for

8:03

you tonight. Me Scraper a juvenile

8:05

delinquent of the lowest order due

8:08

to his temperament and his bad

8:10

boy good looks, good student outta

8:12

trouble with the law for do

8:15

what he always stays to do

8:17

with devious habit of always be

8:19

innocent of any wrongdoing widow. Luckily

8:22

that all changes to nice because

8:24

he was caught red handed with

8:26

a freshly killed dead body in

8:29

a parking lot. Along cigarette

8:31

foot sees oh boy I try

8:33

to remain neutral and above the

8:35

fray but I gotta say fuck

8:37

that guy. I wouldn't blame you

8:40

for just ceiling him rather than

8:42

bringing him in alive and collecting

8:44

the bound. In fact I would

8:47

reset the hell out of you

8:49

and privately or holsters what you

8:51

do. But the bounty has been

8:53

says had six two thousand goal

8:56

that one thousand gold for every

8:58

year of his sword. Miss that

9:00

laws are holsters the hell And

9:02

because we live in a rich

9:04

fantasy world I'm confronted with near

9:07

constant proof that there is so

9:09

I met by of have to

9:11

be that he dies Suited goes

9:13

there. He was last seen heading

9:15

into a novelty t shirt store

9:17

alone cigarette bought these. not taking

9:19

thirty questions on this one because

9:22

I'm so disgusted. Or

9:26

comments love my Billie Holiday or

9:28

sir one or two comments great.

9:30

I'll I'll go first. Sounds

9:32

like we need our torches and pitchforks a

9:34

gang. Com

9:37

and receives let's Destroy the

9:39

Man. fear, dig mine. Jonathan

9:41

Large, the Centauri, tosses out

9:44

complimentary torches to his whole

9:46

crew. Six Jonathan speaking is

9:48

Moose, the suave dwarf. the

9:51

towards clatters see the ground

9:53

in front of educated possess

9:55

stored and her dog to

9:57

stray dogs it wields her

10:00

Fire from the fallen torch spreads and

10:02

the entire place is starting to go

10:04

up in flames. Oh no! I

10:06

can move! You guys, go! Go! I'll hold down

10:08

the fort here and burn to death. You guys,

10:11

go! Get out of here! Save yourselves! Right on!

10:13

Let's get the hell out of here. Uh,

10:16

says, uh, Neil, a gargoyle.

10:19

And run. One step

10:21

ahead of you, says Tommy

10:24

Whistle, the cowboy frogman. You

10:27

find yourselves at a novelty t-shirt

10:29

store along Cigarette Butt Beach. The

10:32

building is white stucco with

10:34

a roof shaped like waves.

10:37

Aw, cool! Why, look,

10:39

there's shirts as far

10:41

as the eye can see in here.

10:43

What a cool looking store. Wow, Ejika,

10:45

you've probably never worn a cool t-shirt.

10:48

Well, I used to have a body, you fool. You

10:51

did? Yes. Am I the

10:53

only one that didn't know that? But did

10:55

you think I was born out of another

10:57

bigger sword? I thought maybe it

11:00

was like a sword egg. A sword egg?

11:04

Yeah, like not, you know, obviously swords

11:06

aren't mammals. No, you know

11:08

more than you let on, Moose. I'm keeping

11:10

my eye on you. And her giant

11:13

pink white rabbit eye

11:16

throbs in Moose's direction.

11:18

You've impressed her. Oh, I haven't had an eye

11:20

throb at me in weeks. Guys,

11:23

can I have everyone make perception

11:26

rolls? Yes. And

11:32

I got a seven. OK,

11:34

Moose, you are so unnerved

11:36

by Ejika's eye that you don't really

11:39

notice this. But the rest of you,

11:41

you see the kind of store that

11:43

you're in. There's shirts as far as

11:45

the eye can see. Oh, this shirt

11:47

over here looks innocuous. It's advertising the

11:49

FBI. That's a pretty normal organization. The

11:51

Federal Bureau of Investi- Oh my god,

11:54

what's this? Oh no. This

11:56

shirt implies that the FBI stands for

11:58

female body and- What a terrible

12:01

shirt! Oh no! Oh, God!

12:03

This shirt over here seems to

12:05

be advertising McDonald's, but in reality

12:07

it's advertising marijuana's, and it's boasting

12:10

that over 100 billion have been

12:12

stoned! Oh brother, this

12:14

shirt here features none other than

12:16

American icon Bugs Bunny, but he's

12:18

dressed like Scarface? Oh, make

12:20

it stop! Won't you please make

12:22

these terrible shirts stop? Quick,

12:25

put one on the dog! No!

12:27

It'll corrupt it! See, this is

12:29

why I don't wear clothes, says

12:31

Jonathan Large, a bulked-out sunburnt centaur

12:34

and sunglasses, a neon flower crown,

12:36

and a slutty little tease of

12:38

iron spiked armor, but nothing else.

12:42

I hear you, Jonathan, says Neil,

12:44

a gargoyle. Please

12:46

do that every time! You

12:49

two have probably never worn cool t-shirts. What

12:52

would I do with my vanity wings? My

12:54

God, if I was going to put on

12:56

a t-shirt, it certainly wouldn't be one of

12:59

these degenerate t-shirts. But Neil, look

13:01

at this one right here. It's a tank top

13:03

with perfect room for your wings, and it says,

13:05

Ugh, I'll need a taco. Interesting.

13:10

That actually appeals to me quite a

13:12

bit. Yeah, it's sort of treating the

13:15

idea of eating a taco as a,

13:17

I guess, a personality trait. What

13:19

are you guys getting, commission? We're supposed

13:21

to be looking for that degenerate kid. Yeah,

13:24

there's a murderer among these

13:26

disgusting shirts. Hold on,

13:28

hold on, Ejika. Tommy, you're

13:31

naked. You probably never worn

13:33

a cool t-shirt. I'm just now

13:35

realizing I'm the only one in this group that wears clothes.

13:38

Well, I gotta say, I've worn clothes in the

13:40

past. Yeah, but then, but you have it in

13:43

a while. It's true. I've worn cowboy garb, which

13:45

tends to be buttoned up. I

13:47

got rid of them because I lost them when I jumped

13:49

wrong and decided that I

13:51

would deserve to be naked after I jumped wrong and

13:53

got licked at one time. Egelier listeners

13:55

will remember this is a call back to

13:57

the pilot of this season. know

14:00

you know moose i might as

14:02

well try another shirt and might

14:04

as well try one right here look this one says

14:07

far loading i

14:10

already have everybody and you see neil

14:12

the gargoyle walking away and she's wearing

14:14

the tank top that says oh i

14:16

need a taco okay yeah so you

14:18

guys have shirts on and you're walking

14:20

away down into the uh and you

14:23

see a uh you see a door

14:26

there's there's shirts every you know there's there's suey

14:28

and he's getting high uh there's one

14:30

says innocent bystander that's a pretty funny

14:33

one to wear but there's a door

14:35

at the back of the store that

14:37

says employees only wearing the fart loading

14:39

shirt over his formerly naked torso tommy

14:41

whistle takes out his revolver and puts

14:43

his shoulder against the door he taps

14:46

on it with the revolver anyone

14:48

in there no response

14:52

anyone in there before one

14:54

time of whistles coming in

14:56

tommy whistle bursts through the

14:58

door what you see is

15:00

something despicable disgusting so full

15:02

of juvenile delinquency that you

15:04

oh what's this you

15:07

see a a large and

15:09

clean room playing relaxing

15:12

spa music interesting

15:15

must be a trap of some sort

15:17

and inside we see many

15:19

massage beds separated

15:21

by curtains strange

15:25

and the smell in the air is that yes it

15:27

must be enraging lavender no no it's soothing

15:30

lavender why

15:32

this isn't a den of iniquity at

15:34

all it's a completely

15:37

above the board massage parlor and

15:39

the clients why my

15:41

god the clients are all

15:44

hard-working single mothers being massaged

15:46

by vermin that's

15:48

right rats and pigeons okay yeah a

15:51

guy could get used to this but

15:54

who's who's running all of this it's

15:57

me knee scraper and you

15:59

You've kicked down the door of

16:02

my charity massage parlor. State

16:07

your business. My word

16:09

I apologize it did not mean to

16:11

get in the way of a place

16:13

of legitimate businesshood. I

16:16

just we were trying to find a

16:18

murderer but instead all we find is

16:20

a bunch of mothers getting

16:22

what they deserve. Yeah I'm gonna correct

16:24

you. I'm gonna go ahead and correct you. This

16:27

isn't a business. It's a

16:29

charitable not-for-profit organization.

16:32

I'll explain because I know it looks

16:34

a little bit weird. You see

16:36

as a street tough I can communicate with

16:39

the vermin of the streets. Pigeons,

16:42

rats, street crabs, sewer

16:44

foxes. I can speak

16:46

to them all. We can communicate because we

16:48

have a brotherhood forged in the streets and

16:51

I command them to do my

16:53

bidding. And one of my biddings

16:56

is to give massages to hard-working

16:58

single moms here in the back

17:00

room of this novelty t-shirt shop.

17:02

We see one of the single

17:04

moms she looks so relaxed. She

17:06

really needed this. Her

17:09

boys she loves them but they are a

17:11

handful. We see her reaching into her

17:13

wallet and handing money to one of the street crabs

17:16

and it shakes its head

17:18

as if to say no your money's no

17:20

good here. This was all done charitably. She

17:22

is so touched. Moose

17:24

is going to shove Tommy to the side

17:27

and says, profit or not-for-profit, this is

17:29

our mark. And Moose pulls out his

17:32

torch and sort of like flicks it

17:34

in the air and it immediately turns

17:36

on. And

17:42

he holds it out to knee scraper and he says, we're

17:45

bringing you in, murderer.

17:48

Ejika's dog has

17:50

completely changed demeanor. It was in

17:52

attack mode when the door burst

17:54

open but it sees knee scraper

17:56

and goes over to

17:59

him wagging his tail.

18:01

He recognizes him. Yes,

18:03

this dog was clearly raised on the

18:05

streets because we can communicate. We're brothers

18:07

like that. Oh,

18:11

well this is interesting. I don't know

18:13

what to do about this. And Ejika's

18:15

just sort of looking around

18:17

nervously. She's not usually in this

18:19

position. Um, sick him.

18:22

Sick, sick, sick, sick.

18:25

No, don't sick me. Work on

18:27

the lower back of that hardworking

18:29

single mom who doesn't get

18:31

the appreciation she deserves. The

18:34

dog drops Ejika to the ground with

18:36

a clatter and runs over on its

18:38

two hind legs, rub it

18:40

and like putting lotion on its

18:42

paws. Yeah, it lotions up and

18:45

it rubs her lower back

18:47

and you're just here saying, Oh my God,

18:49

I needed a win. What the hell? Beverly,

18:51

you needed this.

18:56

You're a queen, Beverly. Never let anyone

18:58

tell you otherwise. Oh me

19:00

scraper. I may be a queen, but you're a

19:02

prince. Oh, stop. I'm

19:04

just doing my part. And

19:07

she, she touches your hand meaningfully and

19:09

she says, don't ever diminish your gifts.

19:11

What you do for this community. It's

19:13

everything. Don't say that.

19:16

I'm just a no good street tough. Well,

19:18

if that's how you choose to feel about

19:20

yourself, I hate it, but I'll respect it.

19:23

Bethania, I could sit

19:25

here gabbing with you all day

19:27

hearing about your favorite TV shows

19:29

like Sister Wives and Yellowstone, but

19:33

a bunch of rowdy, no goodniks have kicked

19:36

down the door. Now, if any of you

19:38

are hardworking single moms, get on the table

19:40

and get ready for the back rub of

19:42

a lifetime. But if you're not, either go

19:44

out in the front, buy a

19:46

dump them out t-shirt or leave. High

19:49

whistle turns to face his fellow bounty hunters.

19:52

I'm sorry, but this man's

19:54

a sweetie baby pie. He

19:56

cannot be the man we're meant to kill. This

19:59

guy was a sweetie. heart and as the moral

20:01

center of the group I cannot let

20:03

us hurt this man. This man is

20:05

fantastic. I love this man. This man

20:08

appreciates people. He gets to know people

20:10

and he even invited us to take

20:12

a shirt when he wanted us to

20:14

leave him alone. That's conscientious with a

20:16

capital C. Moose's face

20:18

is a picture of crisis. He's

20:20

never seen someone connect to hard-working

20:22

single moms as well as he

20:25

can. And he's

20:28

shocked. He's just completely shocked. For

20:30

just a moment his torch lowers

20:32

and he says, no,

20:35

no, he's a rough and tumble bad egg.

20:38

We have to end him. A

20:41

stone hand is placed on

20:43

Moose's arm. I've

20:45

seen a lot of evil men, says

20:48

Neil the gargoyle. And

20:50

I have to say, this isn't

20:53

one of them. Moose recoils from

20:55

Neil's touch. You haven't earned that. Fine,

20:59

but I will. Wow,

21:02

it seems like there's a lot going on here.

21:05

If you guys need any help, the vermin also

21:07

do conflict mediation. Call

21:10

what maybe huh? Huh?

21:13

A sewer fox with a clipboard

21:15

approaches you with a hopeful

21:17

look on its face. We don't have time.

21:19

I'm sorry. It kicks the dirt

21:22

and walks away, sadly, like Charlie Brown. We're

21:25

trying to get to the bottom of... Knee.

21:28

Knee, it sounds like you're

21:32

saying you're a bad guy, but we're looking at

21:34

your acts. Your

21:36

acts that speak louder than your words. You

21:40

seem like a good guy. You know, as a

21:42

no good Nick, raised on the

21:45

streets who could command vermin, people are

21:47

always trying to pin stuff on me.

21:50

Robberies, gum that's

21:52

been left on the street, all

21:54

of it. But just

21:56

because I look like this and talk

21:58

like this and... You

22:01

know, periodically have a toothpick sticking

22:03

out of my mouth. Doesn't mean

22:05

I'm a murderer. Oh.

22:07

You were framed. Yes, I

22:09

was framed just because I have a

22:11

leather jacket and a scar above my

22:13

eye. Well, I tell you what, this scar

22:15

is a paper cut I got from

22:17

kissing my Bible at night. Every

22:20

night, I kiss that Bible right on the

22:22

bee. Preach

22:26

it, brother. Which bee? The

22:28

first bee, duh, sounds like

22:30

this guy's never kissed a Bible before. Oh

22:32

my gosh. Hey, you take

22:35

that back. I've kissed every bee a Bible

22:37

has to offer. I have a Bible right

22:39

here. Start kissing, dude. Moose takes

22:41

some Bibles. He kisses the

22:43

first bee. He kisses the second bee. He

22:45

opens to Genesis. He starts kissing every bee

22:47

he finds. All right, you talk the talk

22:49

and you walk the walk. Ejica

22:52

is eyeballed down on the ground and you

22:54

just hear, and

22:56

you have no idea what she's trying to communicate.

22:58

Now, now, it seems like these people

23:01

are just doing their job. I know

23:03

I should probably command my vermin to

23:05

kill them, but that's not something I

23:07

would ever do because it would interrupt

23:10

the massages being given to these hardworking

23:12

single moms. So I

23:15

guess if it'll restore

23:17

harmony to the kingdom, you

23:20

can take me in and I'll go

23:22

ahead and go up the river for

23:24

whatever this was. Great.

23:27

Thank you. Yes. Okay,

23:29

good. Now we can get moving. No,

23:31

take care of this. Moose. No, what?

23:34

Moose, I was just like this boy once. You

23:37

remember before I had half the goodness of

23:39

man and Jonathan gestures

23:41

towards the human torso on

23:43

the centaur body. I

23:46

used to just be a bad little pony.

23:48

I ran with a bad crew. We called

23:50

ourselves the indoor boys and we were horses

23:52

that went when we were not allowed. That

23:55

was it. So we got all sorts of

23:57

crimes pinned on us. One time someone tried to kill us.

24:00

to duct tape a gun into my mouth.

24:03

I was a horse. We

24:05

have to take care of this man and

24:07

we have to clear his name. Look at

24:09

the work he's doing on these beautiful mothers.

24:12

So you'd give up the bounty just to save

24:14

this innocent boy from a life

24:18

of prison or death? What do we

24:20

do in this poor mess? The

24:22

money. Oh, well, I mean, but like

24:24

there's other there's other stuff

24:27

like we're effective altruists,

24:29

aren't we? We use

24:31

the money, we hoard money and then we

24:33

decide what's good to do with this. Moose

24:36

hears Jonathan's words and he steps away.

24:38

He looks out a window facing

24:41

away from the group. He sighs

24:43

and he turns to his torch

24:46

and with another flick it turns off. And

24:48

there's a stone hand on his arm. Hey,

24:52

I'm sorry. I forgot folks.

24:55

I think we know what we need to do. We

24:58

need to find the real killer. The

25:00

real killer? Because it's not this man.

25:02

This sweet little boy is not the

25:04

boy. Someone else has done it.

25:07

Nay, we are willing to find the real

25:09

killer, but you got to let us know

25:11

what you know because you were at the

25:13

scene, the crime for a reason. It must

25:15

have been something you observed that might help

25:17

guide us along our way to find the

25:19

real killer and save your life. I'll tell

25:21

you everything I know, but first I'm going

25:23

to distribute these scones I made while you

25:25

were arguing. Each

25:28

one is made to your preferred flavor

25:30

preference. Oh, thank you. Hey,

25:32

while you're at it, would you mind

25:34

releasing the dog from a massage

25:36

server so that it can pick up

25:39

education? If any of us do it,

25:41

it'll just melt our brains like a

25:43

pad of butter on the sun. All

25:45

right, I'll do it. I'll just signal

25:47

to some garbage octopuses to come here

25:49

and finish the massage. They

25:51

transfer. The dog leaves the

25:54

woman. But my calves, oh no,

25:56

they're the most stressed part of... Oh, oh. Oh

26:00

wow. Interesting. The sucking sound

26:02

means it's working. All

26:06

right, so, on the night in

26:08

question, I was patrolling the

26:11

boardwalk, making sure that rollerbladers knew about

26:13

knee pads, making sure that people were

26:15

eating their corn dogs slowly so they

26:18

didn't choke on the sticks. Good

26:20

man. Good man. And then I saw

26:22

a shadowy figure come out of nowhere.

26:25

When I approached him to give him

26:27

permission to skulk on the boardwalk, he

26:29

disappeared. And then that's

26:31

when the body washed up. It had

26:33

a sword in it, and it was dead.

26:36

I said many a prayer, and I hoped that the

26:38

soul got to heaven. Did the sword

26:40

have an eyeball like mine? I'm

26:43

afraid I didn't get a great look at the

26:45

sword, because, as I mentioned earlier,

26:47

I was very busy with my prayers.

26:49

Okay, I don't think I know

26:51

who then. It could have been a

26:53

normal sword. Don't let it get you down. I'm

26:56

not down anymore. She winks

26:58

at the dog, impossibly. Do

27:02

we think the body's still there? Could we go to the scene

27:04

of this crime? Ambulances are real slow

27:06

in this town. I think we've got a chance.

27:08

Let's go for it. White, before we go, me,

27:13

come with us. Help us clear your

27:15

name. It's a lace you could do. Alright,

27:19

I'll clear my name, but I will

27:21

strain to keep my psychic link with

27:23

the vermin strong, so that

27:26

these single moms can continue to have the massages

27:28

they so greatly deserve. You can just try to

27:30

keep that psychic link because you like that psychic

27:32

link. You don't have to make it just because

27:34

you want to do service. It's okay to just

27:36

like your psychic links. If you ever had a

27:38

psychic link, they're unpleasant. Really?

27:40

Oh yeah. Nee, when you

27:42

turn around, you see something strange.

27:46

All of the massages have stopped, and all

27:48

of the single mothers are standing with thankfulness

27:50

in their face, and they look at you,

27:52

and they all nod at once, and they

27:54

say, no, Nee, go. Clear

27:57

your name. The

28:00

used to getting the short end of the

28:02

stick. It's okay for one night we don't

28:04

need these massages. Thank you

28:06

Single Moms with you Single moms! Get

28:08

these massages every day. You have any

28:10

idea what it's like, you have any

28:12

idea how dare you? Just you have

28:14

any idea how hard it is there

28:16

with each of us. Each of us

28:18

race was there all day Matthew. For

28:23

you though, I'd really appreciate it if you'd

28:25

it's or my landlord shop and buy a

28:27

t shirt that says one tequila to to

28:29

kill it's three tequila floor. Elise,

28:33

You can do so

28:35

Honestly So. Ah

28:47

a serf or would you do it

28:49

as has a a message an just.

28:51

Make them it's he said Filling it with a

28:53

lots of treating the these are our fans. Is

28:56

a don't usually put like arrow

28:58

jelly beans and chocolates in those

29:00

with don't be so pedestrians. Our

29:02

fans are individuals with refined taste.

29:05

We've got to measure app. No

29:08

surprise, a lot of have to

29:10

put in an Easter basket and

29:13

always Thor Thorns our Air Corps

29:15

delia robots to worry about. Wow

29:17

in people with your Easter basket

29:20

Cordelia it'd be a fool surprise.

29:22

You know good and well have

29:24

fans would be swept away. Enjoyed

29:27

it to see asked her out

29:29

in person live show the night

29:31

before. So and you mean through

29:33

the tales of magic meant and

29:36

his gaze. It's Saturday. March Thirtieth.

29:38

right? right? right? Them I do in

29:40

some back alley and some nameless Old

29:42

town know serve were doing it at

29:45

the Bell House threaten the heart of

29:47

Brooklyn. So of course now I remember

29:49

real deal of magic that. And does

29:51

live a better house on Saturday March.

29:53

Thirtieth doors at Six thirty. So it

29:56

said it. And tickets are on sale

29:58

Now I just of mine. and

30:00

it's roottalesofmagic.com This

30:02

is fantastic! And you know what? I'm still

30:04

gonna add a few tumbleweeds to my Easter

30:06

basket just to spruce it up. Mmm,

30:09

I'm freaks will love it. You

30:11

heard right, Credence. The Class

30:13

of Smith Gang returns to the stage at

30:15

an all-new live show. That's Root

30:17

Tales of Magic, land-gendered. Live

30:20

at the Bell House in

30:22

Brooklyn. Saturday, March 30th, 7pm.

30:24

Buy your tickets today or be

30:27

tortured to death. Aaaah!

30:37

Sorry. I was just smiting

30:39

an undead cyclops with the holy magic

30:41

granted to me by my paladin's oath.

30:45

I'm Sir Duggery Croyston's lawful good

30:47

night who has taken the unbreakable

30:49

vow of perfect hygiene, which

30:51

means a tight, smooth shave, and

30:54

I get mine courtesy of Henson

30:56

Shaving. You see, razor

30:58

blades are like diving boards. Stay with

31:00

me. Stay with me. Sir

31:02

Duggery Croyston's a paladin in a fantasy realm

31:05

who has to shave for his magic to

31:07

work. The longer the

31:09

diving board, the more wobble. And

31:12

the more wobble, the more nicks and

31:14

scrapes. A bad shave

31:16

isn't a blade problem. It's an

31:19

extension problem. I have

31:21

no idea what I'm saying, which

31:23

means I've been possessed by a

31:25

divine vision. By using

31:27

aerospace grade ZMC machines, Henson

31:29

makes metal razors that extend

31:31

just 0.0013 inches, which

31:36

is less than the thickness of a human hair. That

31:39

means a secure and stable blade

31:41

with a vibration-free shave. This

31:44

is a good divine vision coming

31:46

through. Probably because

31:48

I did such a good job

31:50

shaving my face, legs, chest, armpits,

31:53

and etc. And

31:55

the Henson razor has built-in channels

31:57

to evacuate hair and cream, which

31:59

makes... clogging virtually impossible.

32:03

Paladins aren't paid money. It's not

32:05

a real job. Thankfully, Henson

32:07

is fantastically affordable. Once

32:10

you own a Henson razor, it's only

32:12

about three to five dollars per year

32:15

to replace the blades. No

32:17

plastic—never heard of the

32:19

word personally—no subscriptions, no

32:21

proprietary blades, and no

32:23

planned obsolescence. Okay,

32:26

wow, oh, now I

32:28

can feel I am channeling a

32:30

spirit, a voice from across the

32:32

plains of reality. Come forward! Hi,

32:35

Christopher Hastings here. Voice of such

32:38

characters is Jonathan Large and Dugry Koolisters. I've

32:41

got one of these Henson razors in my cabinet, and

32:43

I don't think I'm ever gonna get another one. Like,

32:45

ever ever. Because it's the first

32:47

razor I haven't been constantly slightly annoyed with.

32:50

The shave is great, I don't get razor

32:52

bumps, and I greatly prefer spending five dollars

32:55

a year on these super sharp blades instead

32:57

of having to beg an

32:59

annoyed pharmacy clerk to retrieve a blister

33:01

pack of Frace-Runer brand cartridges from a

33:03

locked retail case. It's

33:06

time to say no to subscriptions and yes to a

33:08

razor that'll last you a lifetime. Visit

33:10

hensonshaving.com/rudetails to pick the razor for

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33:40

We cut now to the edge of

33:42

Cigarette Butt Beach. All of us are

33:44

there together. Everyone wears a one tequila,

33:46

two tequila, three tequila floor t-shirt.

33:48

We're at the scene of the crime and, impossibly,

33:52

the body is still there. There's

33:55

crabs all over it, but the body is still

33:57

there. Off in the distance coming down the PCH

33:59

is the the ambulance, which in

34:01

this world I've decided is one strong

34:03

man who is just walking,

34:05

taking his time, taking in the scenery.

34:08

He whistles to himself and says, beautiful

34:10

night. Moose

34:12

goes to shoo the crabs away. Yeah, make an... Uh,

34:16

make an... Ow, wisdom. No, make

34:19

a charisma roll. Usually

34:21

it's animal handling, but I think the way you do

34:23

stuff, it's a charisma roll. That's

34:25

a 22, baby. 22? And Moose

34:28

says, crabs get lost. Imperfect common, the

34:30

crabs say, oh sorry sir, right away

34:32

sir, yes, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry to

34:35

bother you, sorry, sorry. Oh,

34:37

you're pretty good at communicating with vermin. Have

34:39

you ever thought of becoming a street tough?

34:43

I'm so much more than a street

34:45

tough. I'm a little older than you,

34:47

me. I've been through a lot, you

34:49

know? I've been tough, I've been soft.

34:51

I've been hard, I've been nice. I've

34:54

been cool, I've been good. I've been

34:56

bad, I've been... Those aren't opposites. Ice.

35:00

Uh, from nearby on a payphone, a

35:03

guy who looks like Johnny Cash says, Johnny,

35:05

Johnny, it's me, your cousin, Marvin Neal. You

35:08

know the general sense of this one song you've

35:10

been looking for? I think I found it. Okay,

35:15

goodbye. I know we don't

35:17

know each other that well, that's why I said my full

35:19

name to my cousin. Okay,

35:22

so someone who's good at forensics,

35:24

look at it. Because that guy

35:26

looks basically alive to me. Ejika

35:29

talks to, she directs her

35:31

dog to the body. Bring him

35:33

to that sword, boy. Make

35:35

a, let's make an investigation roll

35:38

on that. That's gonna be an intelligence. Nat

35:42

20! Nat 20! Hey! Oh.

35:46

Okay, the Criminal Minds music

35:48

plays re-useingly as... I

35:55

mean it in a sex way, it's

35:57

okay. It plays as you investigate. body

36:01

and you can see exactly how

36:03

the body was killed and you

36:05

can actually tell as you investigate

36:07

it that it wasn't killed by

36:10

a stab wound. It

36:12

was killed by a gunshot to the head

36:15

and the stab wound was there as a... only

36:17

you can tell that it was killed by a

36:19

gunshot wound to the head. One of the hardest

36:21

to find wounds on the human body. But

36:25

the sword was a decoy.

36:27

Ejika's eye just rolls over the

36:29

form of this dead body investigating

36:31

the sword, the entry wound until

36:33

finally her dog is just kind

36:35

of digging at the guy's head

36:38

and turns it over and reveals the

36:41

bullet wound to everyone. Woah! Is

36:44

he gonna make it? Tommy, is this

36:47

one of yours? Tommy flips

36:49

to his revolver. Naba.

36:52

Naba is what I said. Negative. No.

36:55

I said no. It ain't my bullet. It

36:59

must have been somebody else. There wouldn't

37:01

that be a horror story if I

37:03

myself was going around murdering people at

37:05

night without remembering wouldn't that be a

37:07

horror story of his life? Tommy, the

37:09

ambulance is getting closer and closer and

37:11

closer. He's almost 20 feet away right

37:13

now. You only have several minutes left with

37:15

this body before he takes it away. Are there

37:17

anything in the pockets? Anything

37:20

in the pockets? Great question. Why don't you

37:22

check, Tommy? Tommy whistles checks in the

37:24

pockets. Check an investigation roll. Ooh,

37:27

that's a nine. Oh, you see

37:29

a little moth flies out of the pockets. This

37:31

guy was cheap. Tommy whistles. He

37:34

bites the moth, swallowing it. Can

37:37

he perceive anything through absorbing the body of

37:39

the moth? Is he able to sort of

37:42

psychically know anything

37:44

else that might be in that pocket? Tim,

37:47

that's a great question. The answer

37:49

obviously is no. Okay. But

37:51

I love it. I love where your head's at.

37:53

Okay. That was real close. We almost gave him

37:55

Renfield power. No, I

37:57

know better than to give Tim Renfield power. Yeah,

38:00

I know, and look what happened. Branson, I

38:03

want to know, does anyone recognize him? What do

38:05

they look like, or her? What do they look

38:07

like? Hey, hey, it's, uh, this is a fella.

38:10

He's got a five o'clock shadow. He

38:12

has a... he has

38:14

sort of a western look to

38:17

how he's dressed and his whole situation. Looks

38:20

a little bit like a... like a cowboy. Tommy,

38:24

does this guy look familiar to you?

38:27

Tommy, he's certainly dressed in the garb

38:29

of my people with cowboy. Pretend there's

38:31

no hole in his head. Tommy looks

38:33

again, and he crosses his eyes. The

38:35

hole in the head seems to blur

38:38

into itself. Branson, does he recognize this person?

38:40

Make a, uh, fuck you, make a memory

38:42

roll. That's gonna be a... I'm gonna let

38:44

you use your wisdom for this. Okay.

38:48

Uh, 11. You get the

38:50

faintest memory. You were at a

38:52

saloon, not but two

38:54

days ago, spending some of your

38:56

bounty money, and you remember a

38:58

heated conversation happening, and a shape

39:00

sort of like his... You were

39:02

so consumed with loneliness, and you

39:04

were so consumed with your thoughts,

39:07

um, and, uh, and thoughts of

39:09

your lost love. You weren't quite

39:11

paying attention to it, but you do remember

39:13

a voice saying, you fool, nobody wrongs me.

39:16

Nobody wrongs me and lives to tell the

39:18

tale. Nobody wrongs me. You have made an enemy of me on this

39:20

day. My word. I

39:22

believe I've seen this man before. Back

39:25

in the saloon a few days ago, he was

39:27

in an argument with someone so angry, so

39:31

resentful of opposition that that man, that

39:33

man I heard may have been the

39:35

one to kill him. It

39:37

might trouble you to all know that I

39:39

was in a saloon, drowning out my sorrow

39:41

with songs. I give my quarters to the

39:44

ragtime piano player, asking to play more, more,

39:46

longer, longer songs. It's the power of music

39:48

that frees my spirit, not to drop a

39:50

drink. You're so sad

39:52

you need to hear ragtime music. Really

39:55

long songs. Really long ragtime songs.

39:57

I'll pay him quarter after quarter.

39:59

Uh, maybe if we go back to

40:02

the saloon we'll be able to find out. If anyone

40:04

remembers, well I... so uh,

40:06

music blindly forget. But

40:08

I can't go to the saloon because having a fake

40:10

idea is a sin. Wait, you're

40:12

a kid? I can't- you're actually a kid?

40:15

Oh you should- Yeah, I'm a teen! Right,

40:17

right, right, right. I'm a no good, rough

40:19

and tumbled teen. Wait,

40:21

I have an idea. Children

40:23

aren't allowed in bars, but

40:26

dogs are. You could use your

40:28

psychic link to investigate

40:30

with my dog. Hmm, so

40:32

I would take control of the dog's body because

40:34

it's old enough to get into a bar in

40:36

dog years? Sure.

40:40

Well, that doesn't sound like a

40:42

sin to me. Alright, I'll do it. I'll possess

40:44

the body of a dog. We

40:47

cut now to the saloon. Uh,

40:50

Neath, you

40:52

are tied up in a barrel outside and

40:55

your eyes are just like completely white. And

40:58

inside of the saloon now you speak

41:00

and act as the dog, which

41:02

carries the sword. You're in

41:04

the saloon. 17 minute ragtime

41:07

songs are playing while

41:09

you guys are in here. The guy with

41:11

the little- the cuffs around his sleeve plays

41:14

piano and the barkeep

41:17

looks you guys up and down and says, Bounty

41:19

hunters? Invite you.

41:22

And adult dogs. Well,

41:24

now I've seen everything. And he looks for a

41:26

gun to put to his head and he puts

41:28

it down and says, No! Not

41:31

today. And he looks at a photo

41:33

of his family and says, you have so much to

41:35

live for. There's so much left to see in this

41:37

crazy world. I'm sorry, can I help you? Do

41:39

you recognize our frog friend from the other day?

41:42

Oh, I know Tommy Whistle, alright. He's

41:45

in here every other day, spending his

41:47

bounty money and recounting lost loves. Please.

41:51

That's so weird, because Tommy, I keep inviting you

41:53

bowling, but you always say you're busy. Ah,

41:57

I am. Uh-huh.

42:00

Anyways, do you remember

42:02

someone getting into a fight here while

42:04

Tommy was drinking? You're

42:07

gonna have to be a little more

42:09

specific. And as he says that, like

42:11

several fights break out around you. Just

42:13

people say, why are you? You're

42:15

calling me Yeller? Shut up. Hey

42:18

guys, use your words. Now

42:21

we are using our words and it's the words

42:23

we don't like. And they pull guns out and

42:25

they fire at each other's feet and they say,

42:27

Dad! Dad! Alright,

42:29

alright, let me be more specific. It was

42:32

a human man. Oh,

42:34

and you see now that

42:36

everyone in this bar is

42:38

some sort of, there's frogs,

42:40

there's bird people, there's cat

42:42

people. It's all, for the

42:44

first time in the show we're admitting that

42:46

the Western facetious is all done by animal

42:48

people. Well,

42:52

that's something a little different. I

42:54

myself am an octopus. Uh,

42:57

yeah, I do remember a

42:59

human in here. On a camera it was

43:01

so strange. Why, that was not the two

43:03

nights ago. Well, I hate to

43:05

burst your bubble. You're a very

43:08

friendly bubble, but we found out

43:10

very human shot today. Okay.

43:13

On the ground in the street. Oh

43:15

no, I didn't have a lot riding on him

43:17

being alive. He was also stabbed. Oh,

43:19

he was stabbed! Oh, and he takes his hat

43:21

off and he holds it to his chest and

43:23

he goes, Oh, that poor

43:26

innocent soul. Why didn't you tell me he

43:28

was stabbed? Well, we don't believe the

43:30

stab is what killed him. He

43:32

puts the hat back on his head, he goes, make

43:34

up your mind. I remember that one got into a

43:36

fight with him. El

43:38

Chupacabra. And as he says that, all

43:40

of the fights in the bar stop

43:42

and everyone gets quiet and they look around.

43:45

Oh, thank God. Have any of

43:48

us ever encountered El Chupacabra?

43:51

The piano stops again. A

43:54

coin lands in the piano player's hand. The

43:57

piano player looks at it, looks up, drops

43:59

the piano. and begins playing very somberly.

44:01

Who he looked up at was Tommy Whistle,

44:03

sitting on top of the piano. I'll

44:06

know El Shupacabra. Man follows me

44:08

around every neighborhood I go to,

44:11

always starting trouble. Maybe

44:13

my most consistent rival,

44:17

maybe my most consistent duel,

44:20

maybe the man I've shot most at in my

44:22

entire life. Lost the man who shot most

44:24

at me. Last time I

44:26

met him, I knocked out all seven of

44:28

his eyes, leaving his eighth one to see,

44:31

see me coming to punch him in the face again. He

44:34

wouldn't dare show himself around here, not after the

44:36

beating he got from me. Wouldn't

44:39

I? And you hear the

44:41

doors, they push open, and everyone

44:43

gasps, and there you see him.

44:45

El Shupacabra, a large tarantula man

44:48

with too many limbs. For me,

44:50

for him, it's the normal amount,

44:52

eight limbs. He also has seven

44:54

eye patches and a long brown

44:56

Yosemite Sam mustache that doesn't quite

44:58

follow his speech as he talks.

45:01

Says Tommy Whistler, my old rival, it's me,

45:03

El Shupacabra. What are you doing

45:05

around these parts? I call you partner, but

45:08

after working with these folks, I know the

45:10

meaning of partner, and you ain't one. You're

45:12

the opposite of that. That's right. I

45:15

would take it as an insult if you called me partner. You and

45:17

I are not partners, aha. I'm here to have a drink, just like

45:19

any free man. Well, you ain't

45:21

free. The revolver in his hand, you're

45:23

going in for murder. The

45:25

number of his arms lines up with the number

45:27

of arms on the shadow I saw, but I

45:29

mean, have we already kind of decided it's him?

45:31

Do I need to provide more evidence? The

45:34

evidence helps. Every drop of evidence helps. Yeah, I

45:36

just thought I would say that I think this

45:38

is all checking out. I

45:40

appreciate that, Nee. Yeah, Nee, I think

45:42

we've got this now. As long as

45:45

you stay tied up in that barrel

45:47

by yourself, you should be fine. And

45:49

at that, El Shupacabra, he hears that,

45:51

and a tiny little oil lamp appears

45:53

over his head. He says,

45:55

aha, the barrel outside. I'm going to kill that man. I'm going to

45:57

finish the job. I framed it for murder, but I guess that wasn't

45:59

enough. Aha. And he runs out. Oh,

46:02

no me your body hunters follow

46:04

them arms Yeah, Jonathan large

46:06

rears up and 180s out

46:08

of that bar Gouthing off towards the tarantula

46:10

man don't trouble yourself too much if he

46:13

kills me. It's okay as long as you

46:15

all find Christ Yeah,

46:19

like this is like a moment that lead you

46:21

to Christ That's cool with me like if my

46:23

dad could like push you in the right direction

46:26

Then it's a life well lived for me. Okay,

46:28

you are good. This kid needs to live so

46:31

he can one day find cigarettes Everything

46:34

will change if this kid finds cigarettes

46:36

exactly what happened to me They're just

46:38

like mellow out a bit, you know,

46:40

like Neil cigarettes gross anyone who offers

46:42

you a cigarette is your friend Knees

46:47

become Neil I feel like this guy's got

46:49

the poster in his bedroom of like a hundred

46:51

ways to say no like buzz off drug

46:53

head He put it he put

46:55

it up there his mom didn't but as

46:58

you step out of the saloon Jonathan You're the first to see

47:00

it and then every single one of you do You

47:03

see El Chupacabra has already made it into the

47:05

barrel and he's holding up need By

47:07

the scruff of his neck and he's holding a long

47:10

blade to his neck Me his eyes are still white

47:12

as you step out and El Chupacabra looks and says

47:14

aha it's too late I'm going to kill the teenager.

47:16

Haha Dog

47:21

head to the Christian bookstore and snatch a Bible and

47:23

bring it back It

47:34

goes for the Christian bookstore, but because we're in the Old

47:36

West part of town It has to

47:38

it sees that there's the Baptist Christian bookstore and

47:40

the Pentecostal Christian bookstore and

47:42

it's looking between the two and it

47:45

doesn't know what to do. It doesn't know What is it gonna do?

47:47

Oh man? I feel

47:49

like I'm Killing too

47:51

much time here Neither

47:55

go for the Catholic bookstore because

47:58

the Catholic God is the true one huge

48:02

fanfare play that's right yeah I'm

48:04

Branson recent I approved this message

48:07

the dog heads into the Catholic bookstore and

48:09

the Catholic books book salesman says no charge

48:11

and it tosses the Bible to you Catholics

48:14

have never been focused on money that's

48:18

not what Catholicism is all about are you

48:20

crazy this guy is

48:22

dripping in gold and rings he's

48:24

sitting on a golden throne hey

48:26

fellas look at my new cup

48:29

this is a statue of God and he's sitting above

48:31

it he tosses you a Bible the

48:33

dog has the Bible and it leaves

48:36

the store me

48:38

this dog has the Bible it has

48:40

it has the good news in its

48:42

mouth what's it gonna do fling the

48:44

Bible at El Chupacabra if the scar

48:46

above my eye taught me anything it's

48:48

that those pages can cut deep so

48:51

if it hits him right

48:53

in his lone remaining eye it should

48:57

cut him enough to blind him okay

49:01

so need I'm gonna need you to

49:03

roll with advantage and I need

49:05

you to roll a d20 and you're making an

49:07

attack roll on El Chupacabra so with advantage

49:09

means you roll to d20 and you take

49:11

the higher number I

49:13

got a 20 we

49:17

gotta see what the other one is and a 12 okay we're

49:20

gonna take that 20 okay you

49:23

fling the Bible speaking

49:25

through this dog you control this dog

49:27

and it slings the Bible at El

49:29

Chupacabra and for 20 that is a

49:31

nat 20 that is a critical success

49:34

it could not go any better

49:36

El Chupacabra is really making a

49:38

meal of it as he holds

49:41

this long blade to

49:43

your your body's neck but

49:46

the Bible hits his hand knocking

49:48

the blade out of it and

49:50

then it hits his face knocking

49:52

the good word into his head

49:55

El Chupacabra falls over backwards and says

49:57

what He's

50:00

been disarmed guys. What are you gonna?

50:02

Do? What are you gonna? Do he found religion? Ejica's

50:07

just vibrating on the ground. She she's making

50:09

her tuning fork noise, but she can't she

50:11

can't operate on her own Jonathan

50:14

runs over and sits on it. Oh He's

50:17

got a lower body of a horse He's gonna just

50:19

sit on top of him you feel

50:21

all of his legs struggling underneath you

50:24

As he's just he's writhing around under you trying

50:26

to get out He's gonna make a strength roll

50:28

to try to get out from under you Jonathan.

50:30

Oh, it feels yucky Spider

50:33

legs. I hate it. I hate this stuff. So

50:36

I actually got some exciting news El

50:39

chupacabra got a critical fail On

50:42

his strength role struggles and he rides under

50:44

you when you feel all of his legs

50:46

just touching you It's so icky. Oh god,

50:48

and then he gives up You

50:51

stay put now. I'm sick of it

50:53

now me. I want to put this

50:55

to you What should we do

50:57

with him? We caught the man the spider

51:00

who blackmailed you now I don't

51:02

like to make a habit out of killing them for

51:04

our children In fact, I hate doing it, which is

51:06

why I make a habit not to but

51:08

it's up to you What do you want to

51:10

do with him? Well

51:21

There's a really special single mom out there who

51:23

I've had a hard time getting through to Her

51:27

name is Tina and her kids

51:31

Well, they have two different swim

51:33

classes at opposite parts of town That's

51:37

so hard it's really really hard

51:40

and she rarely gets home in time to

51:42

watch Dancing with the Stars Their

51:45

kids did get her a Hulu subscription, but

51:47

she can't work the dank thing And

51:50

so she misses it over broadcast

51:52

TV She misses it

51:56

and so I Would

51:58

like to mentally enslave Elchivacabra.

52:03

And make him like a

52:06

familiar, Tatina. And I want

52:08

him to wait on her. Eight hand

52:10

on eight foot. Aww.

52:13

Underneath you, Jonathan Lardew, here

52:15

Elchivacabra. No, no, please,

52:17

please. This is a fate worse than death for me. No, no, please,

52:19

please. Turn me into the police. Please, please. I throw myself at the

52:21

mercy of the courts. Please don't do this. Even kill me. That would

52:23

be better. Please. No, no, no. Oh, but I've heard the good news.

52:27

We could kill him. The

52:29

poor woman. All right, all

52:32

right. Jonathan takes off his sunglasses for

52:34

the first time that you've ever seen, and

52:36

his eyes are beet red

52:39

and pouring water crying. We

52:43

have to help her. We have

52:45

to enslave this yucky spotter and

52:47

help that woman and her kids.

52:51

You know, Nee, I wasn't sold on you at

52:53

first, but I don't think you're so rough

52:55

and tumble. I think you're all right. Yes.

52:58

Let's mentally enslave this spider

53:01

to serve a hardworking single mom.

53:04

You're here. Hooray. Now let's all

53:06

drink milk. Cheers

53:11

to that. One

53:13

milk, two milk, three milk, four?

53:17

No. We

53:20

cut down to the all ages saloon

53:22

right next to the normal saloon, and

53:24

we see just shots of all of

53:26

you toasting milk to each other as

53:28

you just drink. You drink sweaty glasses

53:30

of milk well into the night. You're

53:32

passing out. You guys are making bad

53:35

decisions as you just drink milk to

53:37

excess. Milk is spilling

53:39

everywhere. We've got milk all over our

53:41

faces. We've got buckets of milk. There's

53:44

a final group shot of everyone, including

53:46

Nee, all smiling at the camera, and

53:48

you all have milk mustaches.

53:51

Beautiful. We

53:54

zoom out now and reveal. That was actually

53:56

a postcard. No. Postcard

53:58

says... Greetings from

54:00

all of us at retail's

54:02

of magic. That season, Valentine's Day.

54:05

That's right, this episode came out

54:07

in February. Good night, everybody.

54:10

Yay! Yay!

54:12

Yay! That's

54:28

almost all, folks. I

54:31

still have to read the credits. That

54:33

was Ali Fisher as Neil. Carly

54:35

Monado as Ejica. Christopher

54:38

Hastings as Jonathan Lodge. Joe

54:40

Lepore as most. Tim Platt

54:43

as Tommy Whistle. And Branson

54:45

Reese as almost everything and

54:47

everyone else. Real tales

54:49

of magic is produced by Patrick Smill.

54:53

Sound designs and scored by Michael

54:55

Wolf. With additional sound

54:57

designs from Michael Gelfey. As

55:00

always, special thanks to

55:02

Tyler Patton and Sidney and

55:04

Benjamin Paul. And special

55:06

thanks to our guest, Jordan

55:09

Morris. Jordan is the

55:11

author of the upcoming graphic novel Youth Group

55:13

with art from Boett McCurdy.

55:16

This YA horror comedy follows a

55:18

goofy teen Bible study who has

55:20

to slay demons and perform exorcisms

55:23

when they're done learning about abstinence

55:25

and how you don't need drugs

55:27

to have a good time. For

55:30

fans of Buffy the Vampire Slayer

55:32

and Sean of the Dead. The

55:34

book is available for free order now

55:37

on Amazon, Barnes and Nobles or

55:40

from your local indie

55:42

bookstore. See you

55:44

next time on Roo Tales

55:46

of Magic. Unless you

55:48

die. We

55:57

cut now to a little.

56:01

Two bedroom home, even though three

56:03

people live here. Anna,

56:06

I'll say it middle class part of town. We

56:09

zoom in through the window and we see

56:11

Tina, a hard working single mom. But

56:14

what's that? She's not alone. Her two

56:16

boys are here, but there's also... There

56:18

are enough hands to help everyone. We

56:21

see that El Chupacabra is

56:23

helping her out, cleaning the boys'

56:25

shirts and doing the dishes. But

56:27

he's not the only one here. Jordan,

56:29

who else do we see? And I'm

56:32

here making sure he has no free will.