0:02

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Wow,

0:06

the boss man really went all out

0:08

for the office holiday party, huh? Cheers

0:11

to another wildly successful fourth

0:13

quarter. I'm sure we're all

0:15

going to sleep soundly now. Well, I don't

0:17

work here, so I'm not really invested in

0:20

any of that. I'm just going to sleep

0:22

well thanks to the miracle-made bedsheets waiting for

0:24

me at home. They used silver-infused fabrics inspired

0:27

by NASA, so they keep me at the

0:29

perfect temperature all night long, baby. But

0:31

that's not all. Oh,

0:34

my husband works here. I'm no party-crasher.

0:36

Ha ha! Speaking

0:38

of, when you crash at night, the last

0:40

thing you want to think about is changing

0:42

your dirty sheets before bed. But

0:45

miracle-made sheets are infused with silver that prevents

0:47

up to 99.7% of bacterial growth, leaving

0:52

them to stay cleaner and fresh three

0:54

times longer than other sheets. No

0:56

more gross odors. Oh, there he is. Darling! Darling!

1:00

Over here! Oh, hello, my dear.

1:02

Oh, it looks like we're going, uh,

1:05

we're getting together in the lobby for

1:07

some sort of announcement. Maybe bonuses. Oh!

1:10

The Nakatomi Corporation sure has done well

1:12

for itself this year. Why, I might

1:14

just treat us to a new set

1:16

of miracle-made sheets. I was

1:19

just telling my new friend about those.

1:21

About how the sheets prevent bacteria that

1:23

can normally clog your pores, causing breakouts

1:25

and acne. Did you tell them

1:28

that miracle-made sheets are luxuriously comfortable? Without

1:30

the high price tag of other luxury

1:32

brands, they feel nicer than sheets used

1:34

by some five-star hotels. Shh!

1:38

Hold on, darling. The German man at the

1:40

front is saying something. I can't hear him.

1:43

Miracle sheets are the perfect gift

1:45

for your spouse, friends,

1:47

or family who doesn't want to

1:49

sleep in luxurious feeling bed sheets.

1:52

And since these come with

1:55

three free towels, you

1:57

get two gifts in one. in

2:00

time for the holidays. Yippee-ki-yay!

2:04

I can't make a word out from this

2:06

Hans fellow up there. He's demanding money for

2:08

some charity or other. We

2:10

should just bail. But listen, friend,

2:12

go to trymiracle.com/rude tales to try

2:15

it today or gift it to

2:17

someone special this holiday season. And

2:20

we've got a special deal for

2:22

our listeners. Save over 40 percent. And

2:25

if you use our promo rude tales

2:27

at checkout, you'll get three free towels

2:29

and save an extra 20 percent. Miracle

2:32

is so confident in their product. It's

2:34

backed with a 30 day money back

2:37

guarantee. So if you aren't 100 percent

2:39

satisfied, you'll get a refund. Upgrade

2:41

your sleep with Miracle-Maid. Go to

2:43

trymiracle.com/rude tales and use the code

2:46

rude tales to claim your free

2:48

three piece towel set and save

2:50

over 40 percent off. Again,

2:53

that's trymiracle.com/rude tales to treat

2:55

yourself, a friend or a

2:57

loved one this holiday season.

3:00

Okay. Okay. Enjoy the party. Have a good

3:02

night. The

3:05

door's locked. Why are

3:08

the front doors to

3:10

Nakatomi Plaza locked? Die

3:13

hard. Ah,

3:21

hello. Welcome back to Rude

3:23

Tales of Magic. It's me,

3:25

the Gray Freaker, a horrible

3:27

little man, more puppet than

3:29

man. I'm chained to a

3:31

magazine this time. Oh, I'm looking

3:33

through the magazine. Look at all

3:35

these articles about guns. Oh, but

3:37

what's this? Oh, there's a periodical.

3:39

There's a story. There's a serialized

3:41

story in the back of this

3:43

magazine. That's the framing device of

3:45

Rude Tales of Magic now. Ah,

3:48

time to read it. It's

3:55

dusk in Piss Harbor. The

3:58

humid air smells like sweat,

4:00

drugs, fried food, and

4:02

some other stuff. Two

4:05

orc teenagers smoke stolen cigarettes

4:07

and eat Piss Harbor style

4:10

hot dogs, no condom, outside

4:12

the Kaiser Permanente indoor arena

4:14

and daycare. They're

4:17

hoping to catch a glimpse, or

4:19

maybe hear a little bit of the big match.

4:22

They play that game where you make an okay

4:24

sign under your waist, and if your friend looks

4:26

at it, you get to hit them in the

4:29

nuts. But if they break the circle without looking,

4:31

they get to kick you in the nuts. I

4:34

don't know what that game's called, but they're playing it. Just

4:36

go into town on each other's nuts. Both

4:39

of their family lines end here. Jesus

4:42

Christ, stop! But

4:44

they can't hear me. They're too

4:46

distracted watching the stretch carriage pull

4:48

up. Holy shit, is that him?

4:52

Dino the made man spaghetti steps out

4:54

of the limo. He's a

4:57

gunmetal black dragonborn, with shoulders

4:59

like you wouldn't believe. Oh

5:01

my God, he flexes. One

5:03

of the orc boys, they steal up

5:05

their nerve and they ask him for

5:07

an autograph. Dino looks back

5:09

over his shoulder at him. The

5:12

boy explodes and disintegrates into a

5:14

pile of ash. There's smoke

5:16

coming out of his two boots. The

5:18

other orc waves him on. I'm good!

5:21

Inside the Kaiser Permanente indoor arena

5:23

and daycare, the air is heavy

5:26

with the smell of cheap beer

5:28

and peanuts and the shouts

5:30

of drunks and reprobates. A

5:32

marine layer of cigar smoke fills the

5:34

arena. A microphone is lowered down

5:36

into the boxing ring and a human

5:38

man with a lumpy head steps out. Ladies

5:43

and gentlemen, the

5:45

moment you've all been waiting for,

5:48

the big match, the

5:50

crowd goes fucking ape here. In

5:52

this corner, weighing in at 400 pounds

5:54

of pure muscle is

5:58

the reigning champion. He's

6:00

one match away from the Piss

6:02

Harbor record for most boxing matches

6:05

won. We quickly cut to boxies

6:07

where several mafioso types are smoking

6:09

cigars and nodding in approval. LADY

6:13

AND GENTLEMAN! LET'S PUT THOSE

6:15

HANDS TOGETHER AND MAKE AN

6:18

OFFER HE CAN'T REFUSE FOR

6:20

DINO THE MADE MAN SPEGATTY!

6:23

The crowd is charting on the Richter scale

6:25

for how loud they're cheering for this guy.

6:28

Oh they fucking love him, Jesus! And

6:30

in this corner! Weighing

6:33

in at 70 pounds if

6:36

he's wearing a parka, but he is

6:38

jacked. The pike-sized

6:40

pugilist, Thiccy Thunder!

6:44

The crowd goes completely silent except for

6:46

one cricket. A patron snaps the

6:48

cricket's neck. Who

6:51

are we looking at? You're looking at

6:54

a 3 foot 8, 3

6:56

foot 6, absolute spark

6:59

plug fire hydrant build kind

7:01

of dude. Brillo topped hobbit

7:03

hair, big gooey

7:06

eyes like comedian

7:08

and podcaster Branson Reese and stubby

7:13

little arms, yoked to shit, big

7:15

traps, Tom Hardy's jealous. But

7:18

this guy is scared

7:20

shitless in his current moment. The

7:25

cricket was a friend of mine! The

7:29

ref steps forward. Alright, I want a

7:31

fair fight. None of this! And he

7:34

kicks Thiccy in the crotch. None of

7:36

this! And he slaps Thiccy

7:38

back and forth in the face really quickly. Okay.

7:41

And especially, especially

7:44

none of this! And he pulls out a gun

7:46

and shoots it at Thiccy's feet making him dance

7:48

a little jig. Okay,

7:51

hey, I'm more of a strong

7:53

guy than Cardio, so let's not get too

7:55

much before the pre-match shenanigans go in here.

7:58

He nods. And most

8:00

importantly, no hitting below the belt.

8:03

You see, my eyes

8:05

cross as I try to look up at

8:07

where the made man's belt might be. His

8:14

crotch is like five feet off the

8:17

ground. Like, his belt's way up there.

8:19

We cut to my perspective, it's just

8:21

the shadow of his cahog like over

8:23

me. Because I look up. Yeah, so

8:25

he's wearing a belt and is below

8:27

that completely nude. Just

8:31

a scaly black dragon hog right in front

8:33

of me. Yeah,

8:36

it like 2001, it just like, there's

8:39

like a huge shadow of it over you. The

8:46

ref pulls out a bell and

8:48

he says, lady and gentlemen, let's

8:50

get ready to fair use. And

8:52

he rings the bell. All

8:56

right, I'm gonna, my first action, I'm

8:58

gonna run backwards, step on

9:00

the ropes and try to leap off

9:02

and aim to land a punch or

9:05

a body blow of some sort above

9:07

the belt. Yeah, absolutely. He's

9:10

a stickler for the rules, you know? Yeah,

9:15

can you make a dexterity roll for me? Yeah,

9:18

can you? Yeah, I can do

9:20

that. Yeah. That was the right move to

9:22

ask me to do that. You just got a nat 20.

9:26

Ooh. Uh-oh.

9:31

So it works. You basically, you just

9:33

tell me how that goes and I

9:36

have no choice but to follow your

9:38

lead. Yeah, we see him run backwards,

9:40

plant both feet on the top rope,

9:42

turn and push off like a swimmer

9:44

doing a flip turn. And

9:47

it flies, he puts his hands

9:49

in his pockets and just aims,

9:51

jut to head. Oh, a little

9:53

human torpedo, A.K.A. a sailor dive

9:55

directly into the gut of

9:57

Dino. and

10:01

folds him in half around his body

10:03

as he just crunches because this is

10:05

just a pure bullet of muscle that

10:07

hits him. Ugh! It

10:11

clearly hurts Thicke as well.

10:14

And he went like Temple first,

10:16

but he is... His neck

10:18

is so thick and so

10:20

short that it's built for this kind

10:22

of reverberation. But he blasts into

10:25

Dino's gut. You're like that viral image

10:27

of the guy who was built to

10:29

withstand a car crash. You know, he was

10:31

like, no neck. So

10:35

you hit him right in the solar

10:37

plexus and he folds in half and

10:39

he goes, ugh, my solar plexus! And

10:41

the crowd starts booing and they're chanting

10:44

for your blood. They say, we want

10:46

Thicke to die. We want Thicke to

10:48

die. I try to make eyes with

10:50

my one friend in the crowd and

10:52

I just see the cricket with its

10:54

neck spun around. And you

10:56

see my eyes well up with tears as

10:59

I see the one friend who was rooting

11:01

me on is now dead. And Thicke is

11:03

ready to continue to fight. If Dino is

11:05

still in this. Oh, Dino is very much

11:08

still in this. He's going to now...

11:10

He's going to make an attack on you. So

11:12

he's... You know, this is a boxing match. He's going... Take

11:14

a right hook at you like right in the head. He's

11:16

going to just try to like knock you out. He's

11:19

going to make an attack roll on you. He absolutely

11:22

whips it. He

11:24

goes right... You're so little. That thing is you're

11:26

fucking... He's never fought someone... He's a bully.

11:28

He's fought people smaller than him. But

11:31

he's absolutely never fought somebody who's built... Like

11:33

you're so compact. It's like

11:35

an optical illusion. He goes to swing from where your

11:37

head should be and it just isn't there. And he

11:39

just like... He whiffs and he eats air and he

11:42

falls over. And that's

11:44

when Thicke's at his best. That's when she's falling

11:46

over. Mount up! I

11:49

scream as I leap on top of him

11:51

and do what is ostensibly referred to in

11:54

the MMA community as ground and pound. But

11:56

again, Thicke not using his face or

11:59

legs. just grabs him by

12:01

his collar or his neck fat and

12:03

just starts smashing his head

12:05

into his head. Yeah,

12:07

yeah, you pick him up, yeah, like right where his

12:09

mom would pick him up when he was a kitten.

12:12

That's how Dragonborns works. Yeah, you grab him

12:14

by that, you're just smashing your head into

12:16

him over and over again. And he's screaming,

12:18

he's like, no, no, no, I was supposed

12:20

to win! And we cut now up to

12:22

the box seats and we see all of

12:25

the mafioso types. They're standing up, they're out

12:27

of their chairs, they're saying, oh, oh! That's

12:29

not what they wanted at all. One

12:31

of them overturns a table in

12:33

one of their little henchmen's attacks.

12:36

I'm sorry, I thought he was supposed to take the ball. I don't

12:38

know, I don't know what's going on. He was supposed to go out

12:40

in one punch. Cut that down to

12:42

the ring, what's going on? I've now climbed

12:45

up and kinda gotten my, I'm like Christmas

12:47

story-ing him a little bit. I'm sitting on

12:49

his chest and just kinda whipping my

12:51

little arms back and forth, kinda like

12:54

the karate kid drum, the karate kid

12:56

two drum, specifically. Thank you.

13:00

I'm just trying to wail on him. Sickie's

13:02

fully aware that he was supposed to

13:04

throw this fight, but that seeing his

13:07

beloved friend, Jiminy, get his neck snapped,

13:09

Jiminy, sorry. His

13:11

beloved friend, Jiminy, getting his neck snapped, has driven him,

13:14

and landing an actual blow as his opener

13:16

has just spurred him on to

13:19

now he's in full bloodlust, rage mode, he

13:21

can't stop himself if he wanted to.

13:23

Oh yeah, you hear the drums of

13:25

war pounding in your head. Can

13:29

you make actually a charisma roll for me? Sure.

13:32

Oh, I rolled a 16, and I have

13:34

a 10. Okay. Charisma, yeah. The

13:37

crowd, you're winning the crowd over.

13:40

They are now, they're beginning to chant, we

13:42

once hated Sickie, but he is

13:45

demonstrating an incredible ability. You

13:52

want to try that? Yeah, Tim, go

13:54

for it. We once hated Sickie, but

13:56

he would not even have played in

13:58

an incredible ability. We want

14:01

to hate the Dickie, but he doesn't have the

14:03

freedom to grow up with liberty. We

14:06

want to hate the Dickie, but he doesn't have

14:08

the freedom to grow up with liberty. We

14:30

want to hate the Dickie, but he doesn't have the freedom

14:32

to grow up with liberty. We

15:00

want to hate the Dickie, but he doesn't

15:02

have the freedom to

15:04

grow up with liberty. We

15:30

want to hate the Dickie, but he doesn't have the

15:32

freedom to grow up with liberty. of

16:00

the turnbuckle as I turn around

16:02

and see Dino is he still laying down

16:04

as he laying down and you

16:06

you were on his throat and he looks up at

16:09

you and his throat is just like someone's caved in

16:11

he's just like you absolutely have like knocked the shit

16:13

out of this guy he wasn't prepping for this he

16:15

wasn't training he wasn't ready he

16:17

thought you were gonna go down in one

16:19

hit and so he was completely thrown he

16:21

looks up at you with like a let's

16:23

say like a podcast or DM like big

16:25

just like glassy eyes just like pleading for

16:27

you to not do what he thinks you're

16:29

about to do and he says

16:31

please no we had an arrangement

16:33

yeah I just nod you're right

16:36

he did have an arrangement

16:38

and I do full somersault

16:41

off the top turnbuckle like

16:43

moonsault butt drop directly onto

16:46

his his previously damaged solar

16:48

plexus a called shot if

16:50

you will like

16:53

Babe Ruth pointing to the outfield you

16:55

cave in his solar plexus but we

16:57

don't see that we just see a

16:59

wide shot now we see the

17:01

entire arena we see a tiny figure

17:03

moving towards another tiny figure we hear

17:05

a pop and there's a

17:08

deafening silence before

17:12

we cut to the new

17:14

moonlight value bounties headquarters in

17:17

a location so secret that nobody knows

17:19

about it not even the employees of

17:21

the glory day sports bar and grill

17:23

upstairs on walnut and 33rd know about

17:26

it ever since the

17:28

original headquarters burned down in the

17:30

previous episode Maybelline moonlight has had

17:32

to set up shop down here

17:34

it's even less comfortable than last time a

17:37

single pixie ass flickers up above barely

17:40

filling the room with light Maybelline

17:42

moonlight steps forward hey

17:45

guys we got

17:47

a really special bounty for you today she

17:49

hits a visual kenku on the head and

17:51

it projects a black and white image on

17:53

to the wall of a halfling fighter knocking

17:56

out an elf it looks exactly like a

17:58

George bellows painting your You're

20:01

telling me. Alright that's a

20:03

lot for me to think about. Tougher

20:07

than his size. He's

20:09

gotta be tougher than his size if he took

20:11

out Dino Spaghetti. Joe who just said that? I'm

20:15

so glad you asked. Why it's

20:17

that devilishly handsome dwarf moose.

20:21

He's got slicked back red hair, a

20:23

crisp red beard, and he's wearing like

20:26

a t-shirt with a blazer over it

20:28

and the sleeves rolled up. Yeah.

20:31

So and just to be clear Joe this time

20:33

you are saying your character is hot. Yeah

20:35

this time I am saying that. Okay this is not

20:38

something I'm putting on you. No no no.

20:40

I thought I'd try it. I thought I'd try it.

20:43

You gotta taste for it. That's nice. Yeah.

20:45

Yeah that's nice. Yeah. I'm

20:48

proud of you. Yeah that's right. He killed

20:50

him. He crushed his solar plexus causing him

20:52

to explode. Maybelline this feels like

20:54

you're asking a lot from us. I

20:56

am. That's why the bounty is

20:58

set at 700,000 gold I think. Let

21:01

me check my notes. I might be saying something I didn't

21:03

mean to say. Oh I don't

21:05

think I did say the bounty 700,000 gold. This

21:09

changes everything for me. Oh yeah. Yeah

21:12

yeah that's so much money. That's

21:14

the nature of bounty hunting for you. And

21:17

let me let me Maybelline let me ask you this. Is

21:20

Terry surgery putting up that bounty? He

21:23

sure is. He lost so much money that he

21:25

decided to spend more money to get this guy

21:27

killed. So

21:29

if we get this guy I'm taking

21:32

money right out of Terry surgery's

21:34

pockets. Oh yeah you two have

21:36

a history don't you? Well I'm sleeping with his

21:38

wife. Oh sounds

21:40

like you have a present. Any other questions?

21:43

I'm good. Oh I meant for the

21:46

group not for you and the individual group. Of

21:48

course. That's why I was looking directly at you as I

21:50

said it. And she looks completely walleye

21:52

just sort of taking you all in at once. Any

21:55

other questions? Oh mooze. No. No.

21:59

Having been. Satisfied moose sort of leans

22:01

back in his chair and pulls out like

22:04

an illustration It's either dwarf.

22:06

So it's just a picture of a mountain that he's Sticking

22:09

him by himself What

22:12

a cool bad boy Miss

22:15

moonlight my one question is of course

22:17

about well if the mafia

22:19

gets to them or you know I

22:21

in my experience the mafia ain't the

22:24

type of people I like to team

22:26

up with and ever seems like we'd be

22:28

doing the Mafia's billing by taking this man

22:31

off the board said Tommy

22:33

whistle a frog man. Who's a cowboy?

22:36

He's wearing a holster with a cowboy

22:38

gun in it He's wearing a cowboy

22:40

hat and this time he's got a

22:42

little bow tie all of his other

22:44

clothes He lost in the last episode

22:46

if you were listening She

22:50

nods and she goes well Tommy you could think of it

22:52

like that or you could think of it like You're

22:55

stealing from the mafia if that makes it easier

22:57

for you Stealing from the

22:59

mafia thing that makes me a Robin

23:01

Hood and with all that coin I'm

23:03

taking from the mafia think about how

23:05

many wishes I could get granted I

23:08

thought wishing well taking all them coins.

23:10

We'd be we'd be earning in this

23:14

There is an actual wishing well in pith harbor

23:16

as just going with what you said There's a

23:18

wishing well here if you throw money into it

23:20

you get a wish Can we

23:22

cut to Tommy whistle at the wishing well of course we

23:24

can I? I

23:27

wish for my clothes back up not

23:29

yet. I'll wait till they listen

23:37

And that's your wish it's a wish withheld Tommy

23:40

whistle is withholding the wish Tommy

23:42

whistle believes in a lot

23:44

of good in the world He believes in a lot He's

23:46

a sort of upright cowboy guy and he doesn't want to

23:49

make that wish until he's ready to receive it Okay, the

23:51

guy behind you says buddy. I'm trying to wish for treasure

23:53

back here. Let's move it or loose it Now I want

23:55

to take up the space of it. I want to take

23:57

up the space Okay,

24:00

the guy moves in front of you he goes, okay,

24:02

I wish everything I touch turns to gold no downside

24:05

Alright, we cut back. All right any

24:07

other questions if you if you don't have a question

24:09

This is sort of an opportunity for you to introduce

24:11

yourself to the audience all over again Um the

24:14

camera trails over to a

24:17

folding table where a box

24:19

of old coffee has spilled

24:21

over And we

24:23

see a mangy looking coyote

24:25

dog lapping up the

24:28

disgusting coffee Um

24:30

next to him is a

24:32

sword with a giant roving

24:34

eyeball The eyeball is pink

24:37

and the iris is red and it's

24:39

darting backwards and forwards and you hear

24:41

a voice come from this sword I

24:44

don't really care who's issued the bounty

24:46

or why I just want to go

24:48

and stab someone Well

24:51

to answer your question. Yes. Thank you

24:53

and And you

24:55

hear a flushing and from the

24:57

restroom exits

24:59

a four foot tall gargoyle

25:02

She is made of gray expensive looking

25:05

stone that matches the cathedral. She burned

25:07

down when she left and She's

25:11

she wiping her hands on a paper

25:13

towel that she then crushes in her

25:16

stone hand and it disintegrates as

25:18

it falls and After

25:20

the flushes done you hear a bit of like a choir

25:22

of divine sort

25:25

of eminence Because

25:27

when she goes to the bathroom, she's

25:29

a gargoyle. She just pours holy water

25:31

out of her mouth into the toilet

25:36

And she says let's go hunt a

25:38

man Yeah,

25:42

Jonathan large cocks his mace All

25:45

right, good luck bounty hunters and please don't

25:47

you guys are accepting the bounty, right? Yes.

25:49

Did we say that are alive? Alive

25:53

is preferable Terry surgery

25:55

wants to torture this guy to death. Okay,

25:58

Nila shocked

26:00

by that, but doesn't ask questions because

26:02

she's ready to accept the mission and

26:04

walks out. Alright, good luck bounty hunters.

26:06

Please don't burn down the headquarters again

26:08

this time. She catches the

26:10

flame that she had just used to

26:12

light her cigarette and she snuffs it out.

26:16

And as she says that, she dusts her hands

26:19

off and she knocks over a scented candle. And

26:22

Maybelline Moonlight bursts into flame as the entire

26:24

headquarters goes up in flames behind you. Oh

26:27

no, second time in a row. What are

26:29

the odds? Oh, but

26:31

then we all walk out and the flames are

26:33

behind us and it's like boom. Yeah,

26:36

it's like back to name of the game. Like

26:38

call it all freaks as you guys walk out.

26:41

The dog is dragging his ass outside. What

26:45

a fire starter. Wicked fire starter. Alright,

26:47

you guys are outside. It's nighttime now.

26:49

Early evening, you've got one lead and

26:51

you know that he's down at the

26:53

Kaiser Permanente indoor arena in daycare. What

26:55

are you guys going to do? I

26:58

just called out to Moose. Yeah,

27:02

you're a halfling, right? No,

27:04

I'm a dwarf. Let my dog

27:06

sniff you. What?

27:08

Let my dog sniff you to catch the scent of

27:10

short men and lead us to a

27:12

bounty. I know

27:14

people say that, but we don't have a different sense.

27:17

I beg to differ. I smell. I've

27:19

been around for quite a long time, you know, and

27:22

I have smelled my share of men short, tall

27:24

and in between. I swear to God.

27:26

I mean, dwarves smell like rocks

27:28

and halflings smell like hay. It

27:31

doesn't matter what you're saying. The coyote is

27:33

sniffing you and it's like in

27:35

what it smells. Carly,

27:37

can I have you make a wisdom roll and Joe, can

27:39

I have you make a charisma roll? Yes.

27:42

Yeah. Okay.

27:45

Branson, my charisma roll was a nine. A nine? Yeah.

27:48

Joe, even though Moose is right and

27:50

halflings and dwarves smell differently, this works.

27:56

The dog takes off like a

27:58

shot and Etrica says, I

28:00

just start howling with him like, oh, oh,

28:02

oh, oh! And as

28:05

the rest sort of follow behind, Neil

28:07

scoots up next to Moose and says,

28:09

so dwarves smell like rocks, huh? I

28:12

don't want to talk about it, gargoyle. You

28:14

still got a lot to prove. Watch me.

28:17

And she sort of walks backwards for a

28:19

second with her arms out, like watch me.

28:22

And then she sort of turns

28:24

around and keeps walking. It's like, watch me.

28:26

Yeah. Moose follows. Yeah.

28:30

Jonathan Large is galloping after that dog.

28:34

I love the scent of the hunt. Great.

28:37

You guys are tearing off down the street.

28:40

You are following this dog. It's leading you

28:42

over bridges, through alleys. It's going up, up

28:44

hidden staircases. Like they have an echo park

28:46

down hidden staircases. Like they also have in

28:48

Silver Lake. And it's just going

28:50

all up and down over through,

28:53

through neighborhoods. You guys are running for about a

28:55

half an hour. Luckily you're all in incredible physical

28:57

shape. It's really

28:59

hard to run for half an hour. I don't know how

29:01

anyone does it for 40 minutes, for example. But

29:04

you guys finally, you find yourselves, you

29:06

are right outside of the Kaiser Permanente

29:09

indoor arena and daycare. It's

29:11

massive. And you see there is a,

29:13

there's caution tape up everywhere. And there's

29:15

peacekeepers who are our world's cops. They're

29:18

just sort of parked out around there. And

29:20

they are looking, you see an ambulance and

29:22

they're pulling out a body bag, a

29:24

massive body bag that you can even

29:26

just tell from the shape of the

29:28

body bag that whatever is inside of

29:30

it, it's solar plexus was exploded. Look

29:34

at that divot. That body bag

29:36

is too big to be carrying a

29:39

small man. We have to keep

29:41

hunting. Moose

29:44

is going to look around to see if he recognizes

29:46

any of the cops. Yeah,

29:48

okay. Yeah. Make

29:51

a wisdom, make a wisdom roll for me. Okay,

29:53

this time I got a 10. You

29:57

don't recognize many of them.

30:00

These don't seem to be cops that you've been around. It

30:02

seems to be a bunch of newer. You do see an

30:04

older cop though. You recognize him.

30:06

It's Potatoes O'Shaughnessy. Moose

30:09

confidently walks over to Potatoes O'Shaughnessy.

30:11

Evening, Spuds. Yeah, what can I

30:13

do you for? You,

30:16

uh, you tracked down the perp yet?

30:18

Nah, we ain't seen head of tails

30:20

of him. Thanks for not commenting on

30:22

my misleading name, by the way. Uh,

30:24

nah, we don't know. We

30:26

don't know who that guy is. We, but

30:28

we do know, we've secured the perimeter. He hasn't left. I

30:32

know you're second generation. Yeah, did,

30:34

that's right. Thanks for not bringing it up.

30:36

It hurts my feelings. I never

30:38

would. Listen, how

30:41

about you let me and my friends

30:43

take a look inside? Maybe we can, uh... Burn

30:45

it down and flush him out. Whoa, whoa, whoa,

30:47

whoa, whoa, this is police business, okay? We can't

30:50

just, like, have bounty- I know what you do

30:52

for work. We can't just have bounty hunters coming

30:54

in and out here. Although my palm's getting a

30:56

little cold. I don't know,

30:58

maybe if I- if you could buy me some mittens from my

31:00

palm? Uh,

31:03

Moose is going to hold

31:06

potatoes' hands and

31:09

make, like, really deliberate eye contact. Oh

31:11

my god. I know we have a will-day-won't-day,

31:14

but I never thought- Yeah, do you feel- do

31:16

you feel how warm my hands are right

31:18

now? Uh, make a charisma roll for me.

31:21

Only roll I know how to make, baby. Ooh,

31:24

I am a hot tonight. That's an

31:26

eight. An eight? I

31:29

rolled a four. I have a plus four to

31:31

charisma. That's right. I mean, a four would have

31:34

been really bad for you. An eight, he just

31:36

pulls his hands away. He goes, not here, not

31:38

here. Okay, money then? If you want to bribe

31:40

me, yeah, absolutely. Uh, uh,

31:42

yeah, uh, Moose takes out five gold.

31:44

Ooh, five gold. That's what

31:46

they pay me, uh, a week. Oh, so

31:49

this is great! Woo-hoo!

31:53

Uh, he takes the gold and he puts, uh, he's

31:55

already wearing a hat and he puts a hat on

31:57

his hat, uh, to exemplify his whole deal. He

36:01

gets it? He gets it! Cool,

36:04

you get the bucket that, uh, Thickey already

36:06

fell out of. Right. You get an

36:08

empty bucket and you pull it back to yourself. The

36:11

dog is ecstatic and runs over and starts

36:13

licking the crumbs out. Quick,

36:16

somebody needs to get that little

36:18

man before this staircase is able

36:20

to collect the bounty. Uh,

36:22

Thickey bounces all the way down to the

36:25

end. Oh, ah, oh, what? My bucket. And

36:28

then lands head first in another bucket. And

36:30

his little legs are sticking up at the

36:32

bottom, but he's now on the floor of,

36:34

you know, perspective you guys have is you

36:37

can barely see what's going on. Except two tiny

36:39

little feet kicking out the top of a bucket.

36:42

Tommy Whistle releases the bucket from

36:44

his lasso tongue and then starts running down the

36:47

stairs and then sort of catches himself on the

36:49

railing and realizes it's actually a lot steeper to

36:51

run. So he actually just starts walking kind of

36:53

slowly down the stairs. And you know, when you're

36:56

going down to your seats and then he doesn't

36:58

do that. They're so steep, dude. Yeah, no, I

37:00

know what you mean. Yeah, no, it's very. Tommy's

37:03

doing the right thing here. Yeah. I'm

37:05

gonna take my horse guy like two hours to get back

37:07

down those stairs. It's

37:10

like a senior prank, like leading him up

37:12

the stairs. Yeah, I don't like what's happened.

37:15

Um, but Tommy Whistle gets to the very bottom. Who are you freaks, huh? What

37:20

the hell is going on here? I was just trying to

37:22

hide. You rats. Freaks,

37:25

that's just in the eye of the

37:27

beholder. We're all a bit strange in

37:29

our own way, gentlemen. Gentleman, my gentlemen.

37:32

You look like if I squeezed you, honey would come out into

37:34

my teeth. Me? Yes. Oh,

37:38

I got a little honey bear. All

37:41

right, thank you. That's weirdly

37:43

flattering. I haven't engaged with a

37:45

sentient weapon before. Nice to

37:47

meet you. Kind of thrilling. Hey,

37:50

hi. Or Frogman.

37:53

Or Frog Lady? Frog Boy?

37:56

I'm a Frogman. I'm the Frogman. Frogman.

38:00

I understand why you may have been confused.

38:02

Well you look like a frog, nothing like

38:05

a cow. I gotta give you that, kiddo.

38:07

Nice work. Hey, you're kind.

38:17

I don't understand why everyone's trying to kill you.

38:19

Cause you see? Everyone's trying

38:21

to kill me? Don't you? Now

38:23

hold on, hold on. Let's

38:26

take the temperature down and Moose sort

38:28

of walks into the situation. No

38:30

one's trying to kill you. They're just

38:32

trying to torture you endlessly. Is

38:34

someone cooking rocks around here? Yeah,

38:40

I'm a dwarf. I

38:43

should have known. I thought I smelled gravel.

38:47

Well I thought I was in a hay field so I guess that makes two of

38:49

us. Not cool, man.

38:53

Boys, boys, boys, boys, come

38:55

on. Siki

38:57

is continuing to engage with everyone but he

38:59

is slowly putting his back up against the

39:02

ring in the center so that no one

39:04

could get behind him. I've

39:06

been in a few street fights. I'm not about to let

39:08

anyone get the jump on me. Against

39:10

his better judgment, Moose is going to look up

39:13

and try and make eye contact with Neil. Neil

39:15

is already falling directly towards Moose. Moose

39:19

dies. Moose

39:23

dies? Oh no! That's not even going to

39:25

say Moose dies too. Neil

39:27

lands in a three point

39:29

superhero stance. It's

39:32

called something, right? It's called that. You

39:34

got it. You got it. You undercut

39:36

it completely by asking but you got

39:38

it originally. A roller

39:40

coaster to listen to but I'm here. She

39:44

does it. She's confident. And then she

39:46

stands and she says, this

39:49

man is kind. We're

39:51

not here to hunt kind men. She

39:54

turns towards her fellow hunters. I

39:57

believe we've been misled. But I

39:59

may believe? I'm not that kind,

40:01

I'm sorry, I don't want to, you know, lawyer

40:03

against myself here, but I'm not really

40:05

that kind. I, I'm, you

40:08

know, I'm just a fighter by nature

40:10

and I

40:12

know what this must be about. Were you

40:14

guys hired by Terry surgery and Dino's

40:17

the made man, Spaghetti's

40:19

boys? We were hired by

40:21

their competitors. That's

40:24

right. We are not. No,

40:26

we were. Sorry, no, we're... We

40:29

were hired by Terry surgery. We

40:31

were hired by Terry surgery. Yeah. Well,

40:34

I think Mr. Frog, I think Mr. Frog

40:36

Man cowboy here, you might be under the

40:38

impression that you were acting as if

40:40

you were going to be competing against the mob. Like you, I

40:42

think you have it in your head that you have altruistic

40:45

notions here in hunting me down.

40:47

But Noah, you guys are working for the

40:49

mob. That makes you guys bad

40:52

guys? No. Yes. We

40:54

can't, we can't be. Yes, we can.

40:57

We can work for anyone, but we ourselves

41:00

are not bad. Neil,

41:02

I know you're new to this, but the bounty

41:04

is the bounty. When you accept the job, you

41:06

accept everything that comes from it. I never

41:08

kill a righteous man. How

41:11

do we know he's righteous? He just said he wasn't that

41:13

kind. Yeah. Righteous

41:15

seems even harder for me to pull off. Kind

41:17

is sort of like a touch and go thing.

41:19

I could be kind in one moment and then

41:21

kind of lose it in another moment. But righteous,

41:24

I don't know about me. I'm a

41:26

pugilist who takes bets to lose, but

41:28

I just couldn't lose this one. They

41:30

killed my best friend, Timmy. Wait,

41:34

are you saying that you killed someone

41:36

in retribution for wrong done to you

41:38

and your kin? That sounds

41:40

justified. Well, I hate

41:42

to agree with the gargoyle because of their

41:45

attachments to the church. But

41:47

I think this one's right. I don't understand.

41:49

You said you don't want to

41:51

lawyer against yourself, but you are

41:53

negotiating against your interest. Yeah,

41:56

I understand that, but I'm truthful

41:58

to a fault. little

44:00

guy in as if he

44:02

were to call upon the ancient and stalwart

44:05

bond between all the small

44:07

races. You

44:09

made a lot of hay when I said

44:11

you all smelled the same and now there's

44:13

a bond. Hey drop this hay shit

44:15

sword. Okay I'm tired of hearing

44:17

about my haystench. Okay I've

44:19

been living in a pissed city my whole life.

44:22

I don't even get to see

44:24

hay anymore. Yeah my ancestors grew

44:27

up on a beautiful little farm

44:29

in a hole eating berries and

44:31

moss but I grew up on

44:33

the streets eating knuckle sandwiches and

44:36

drinking piss and death actual piss.

44:41

Now you guys listen to me I don't know

44:43

how much you think you're gonna get paid

44:46

by Terry surgery but he's

44:48

out 700,000 gold pieces

44:51

after losing that bet that he placed

44:53

against me. I was supposed

44:55

to fall and he was supposed to double

44:57

his money up pretty easily but I just

44:59

couldn't bring myself to do it. In that

45:01

moment I felt I guess what you would

45:03

call righteous but in my mind it was

45:06

more of a this sucks I don't want

45:08

to lose to this fucking dork. Then

45:11

it settled at the very least we

45:13

should wait until Terry's got enough money

45:15

to pay us before we make our

45:18

decision. You want us to wait. You

45:20

want us to wait while Cat Gentleman is

45:23

hot on this man's tail. Cat

45:25

Gentleman's out to get me too? Cat

45:27

Gentleman, Terry surgery and whoever

45:31

you guys are that

45:33

can't be good. Especially

45:36

if Cat Gentleman I'm actually scared of

45:38

him and your friend there's

45:40

an elevator if you look there's a lift

45:43

like just to your right. Go

45:45

back up and come down in the elevator.

45:48

Oh mother of my sweet

45:50

Theresa I missed it. And

45:55

Jonathan happily gallops back up the stairs

45:57

easy to go up. pushes

46:00

the button for the lift, looks

46:03

back down at you all and smiles and kind of

46:05

shrugs as he waits. We're all waving.

46:09

What I'm saying is that if this group can't

46:11

come to a decision together, we can at

46:13

least agree that if we've killed the man or

46:15

took him away and took him to Terry's surgery,

46:18

we may not even get paid, so we might

46:20

as well keep him from all those trying

46:22

to do him harm until we know what's in

46:24

it for us. Let's make

46:26

a decision. He's a righteous man,

46:29

an honest man, a kind man,

46:31

and a man in front of us.

46:33

Bearing his soul and asking for our

46:36

help, Moose, what would Terry's surgery hate

46:38

more than losing that money,

46:41

not torturing the man he wants to torture?

46:43

Watching you sleep with his wife. Sorry,

46:45

I thought we were going to say it at the same time. I

46:50

don't think you did, but that's alright. Okay.

46:53

Moose, you know I'm right. I know

46:56

you're scared of me, but this isn't about that. This

46:58

isn't about us. This

47:01

is about the real job,

47:03

fucking over Terry's surgery and

47:05

saving this beautiful, wonderful, exceptional

47:08

citizen. I'm getting so

47:10

gassed up right now. My ego is through

47:12

the roof. Now

47:15

I don't know how sex works or

47:17

gender works with gargoyles, but I'm mad

47:20

open to whatever, you know, so I'm just

47:22

putting that out there. Thank

47:25

you. You want Moose? I'm

47:28

still a no. Okay, fine.

47:31

I call upon sex. Just on sex with you. I'm not

47:33

asking about sex. Oh, I lost the thread. I

47:38

didn't mean to answer that, but then I jumped a

47:40

gun there. How about this? I

47:42

call on an ancient install wart bond. Does

47:44

that work for you, Moose? It's

47:47

specifically that the one thing you said would work. It

47:52

seems I've got no choice and Moose

47:54

walks up and he puts out

47:56

his hand. Vicki puts out

47:58

his hand and it's even smarter.

48:00

smaller than Moose's, but it is

48:02

exclusively a callus. It

48:04

is just like a big,

48:06

like gross, pumice-stoned ass thing.

48:09

You're like, uh. We

48:12

cut now, we cut back to Vicky, just like

48:14

hours and hours practicing Spanish guitar. I

48:20

love Vicky Christina Barcelona. We

48:23

have that movie here. Vicky

48:26

Christina Barcelona. We

48:28

do have Woody Allen and Cordelia, we cut back.

48:31

No! We cut back, we

48:33

cut back, and it's a closeup, but

48:35

it's still just two very small hands

48:37

shaking in the frame. These doll hands

48:39

for some reason. Yeah, they're like popping in.

48:43

Well, if we're all agreed, first step is to get

48:45

this man out of here. And I

48:47

have the perfect way to hide him as we make

48:49

our exit. Vicky, may

48:51

I present to you my cowboy hat?

48:54

Tommy takes off his cowboy hat.

48:57

And he puts it over Vicky,

49:00

and then makes a

49:02

little platform with his hand so

49:04

Vicky can walk on while

49:06

wearing the hat. And then he picks

49:08

him up and puts the hat back

49:10

on his head. How big are you,

49:12

Tim? He's

49:14

three feet, eight inches. You're

49:18

wearing a three foot tall cowboy hat? You

49:21

know, since I have never actually said the

49:23

height of the hat, it's so interesting. You

49:25

said it was a 10 gallon hat. I

49:28

did say it was 10 gallon. Yeah. And

49:30

that's, but you know, gallon, this is

49:32

the funny thing about like weight and like volume.

49:35

It can be distributed in different ways.

49:37

Listen up. It can be

49:39

distributed in different ways. Tim, look,

49:41

I am the DM. I am not gonna stop

49:43

you. I just want you to say I'm wearing

49:46

a three foot tall hat. I am wearing a

49:48

three foot tall hat. It

49:50

works, it works. Yay! Oh

49:54

man, your head is slippery. You're

49:56

damn right. Tommy

50:00

you do have a thick dense like jacked

50:02

guy just standing on your head now. I

50:04

need you to make a strength roll. Oh Fuck

50:07

that's so bad for me, and he's slippery

50:09

sticky. I need you to make a dexterity

50:12

roll. Oh, that's bad for me. Oh Okay,

50:16

so I got a 14

50:19

okay pretty good you feel Immense

50:22

pain in your spine, but not enough to stop I Got

50:25

I got a 10 you got a 10.

50:27

Yeah, I mean you're 11. I guess

50:29

I had a plus one. Yeah, okay 11 It's

50:32

it's working. You're not falling off of his head,

50:34

but it's like it's as if mr. Bean was

50:36

inside of that hat You know like you are

50:39

You're not gonna stay up there that long Yeah

50:41

You're flailing around up there the hat is just

50:43

sort of like swaying as if there's a breeze

50:45

and I saw I have a turkey on my

50:47

head inside of there And

50:52

Sort of like a kingfisher in flight

50:54

You know my head is like sort

50:56

of staying sort of stable while my

50:58

body is sort of moving around Moving

51:01

around it so trying to keep that platform

51:03

as clear as possible, but it's really on

51:05

a Stumbling frame and

51:07

as you stumble there's a ding as the

51:09

elevator doors open Jonathan Lars

51:11

steps out and Gives

51:13

a wink to the cobalt who is

51:15

responsible for hitting the bell that lets

51:18

the elevator ding when the doors open

51:21

The cobalt now that you and says very

51:23

good sir, and then the doors closed, but

51:25

as they closed from

51:27

up above a Human cop Extremely lies

51:29

in limber who had been just sort

51:32

of like had all of his his

51:34

arms and legs stretched out at the

51:36

top of The elevator he crawls out

51:38

from the top. He had been so stealthy up

51:40

there. You hadn't noticed I

51:42

rolled for him secretly he crawls out and

51:45

he follows you out and he begins swinging

51:47

his baton and said He's

51:49

just me a normal policeman. He pulls

51:51

on his long whiskery mouth He's

51:55

just me a normal policeman He pulls

51:57

on his long whiskery mouth mustache

52:00

and he says just a

52:02

regular run-of-the-mill cop why why

52:04

my name is Jack

52:08

Daniels. Hello

52:11

officer Daniels I'm just a

52:14

sports fan. A sports fan how very

52:16

plausible you know if you happen to

52:18

be a bounty hunter that wouldn't be

52:20

the end of the world. Oh

52:23

well you know it's my

52:25

day off. Well

52:27

fair enough. Well you know

52:29

we're trying to we're trying to evacuate the

52:31

place and keep civilians out but I just

52:34

wanted to know if you'd seen anything unusual

52:36

and as he says that he looks over

52:38

towards the ring at the rest of the

52:40

group. He walks through and says how very

52:42

strange indeed and he's being very loud here

52:44

and uh Vicki you can hear him as

52:46

he talks. So very strange you

52:48

know we're looking for a little fella a

52:51

little about the size of one and he looks at Tom

52:53

he says about the size of one hat he

52:55

watches as the hat sways on

52:58

your head. He goes no we don't want to do anything wrong

53:00

with him we want to protect this fella. You know

53:02

there's a big bounty out on his head

53:04

if there are any bounty hunters looking for

53:06

him we want to take him into custody

53:09

there's no rule against exploding a man's solar

53:11

plexus during a boxing match there's these broken

53:13

no laws we would protect this fella. Oh

53:16

sounds great. It certainly does and

53:18

I certainly hope you can find

53:20

him. Jonathan

53:23

Large has picked up all

53:25

the context clues and knows what's happening and he's

53:27

on board he's like got it

53:29

we're protecting him not hunting him I got to kill

53:31

this cop and uh Jonathan

53:34

Large tries to sneak up

53:36

behind the cop like raising

53:38

his gigantic spiked flail over

53:41

his head like really quietly

53:43

yeah and like he's just

53:45

trying to tiptoe on his horse hooves behind

53:47

him before he can try

53:49

to bash his brains in. Can you make a stealth

53:51

role for me make a just a dexterity role for

53:54

me? Yes I don't

53:56

think it'll be good it's

53:58

excellent it's a 19. It's a

54:01

19. He doesn't see it coming.

54:03

Alright, I'm going to take a swing

54:05

at that cop's skull. Uh,

54:09

okay. Yeah, you, uh, was that a mace

54:11

you'd like cocked earlier? Yes, well, it's a,

54:13

it's a, it's like a chained flail kind

54:16

of thing, a mace, a flail. It's a

54:18

big, big, 75 pound

54:20

ball on a chain that he wields. And he

54:22

doesn't see it coming. Uh, yeah, just make an

54:24

attack roll on this guy's head, because it's pre-loaded,

54:26

because I remember you loaded it in the earlier

54:29

season. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh,

54:32

the attack roll not so hot. Uh,

54:34

you got a six. A

54:36

six? Okay, so, um, that's pretty bad.

54:38

So you're going to, uh,

54:40

knock his cop hat off of his head.

54:42

He, he, well, like, it

54:44

was like a, strange, like, oh, six cents

54:47

almost. He ducks just in time. The hat

54:49

is knocked off of his head, revealing two

54:51

large cat ears coming off of the top

54:53

of his head. Oh, fuck. Wait a minute.

54:55

Kitty cats aren't allowed to join the force.

54:58

I remember voting for that in a referendum.

55:02

And, uh, Jonathan Large keeps that

55:04

flail going around, and he goes

55:06

in for hit number two before it's too

55:08

late. And by the time

55:10

you go in for hit number two,

55:12

he's removed his human mask and revealed

55:15

himself. And he says, hello, it's me,

55:17

Cat Gentlemen! Ooh, you know who doesn't

55:19

like that? Ejika's freaking

55:22

dog. The

55:25

dog is going to lunge at Cat

55:27

Gentlemen with Ejika in his mouth. He's

55:29

like a black and white tuxedo cat person, by

55:31

the way. I just want to introduce him before he dies. It

55:33

sounds like he's about to get killed. Uh,

55:35

he's, uh, he's ripped the human face off, and

55:37

he turns around to face and bow deeply

55:39

to the group, putting his face

55:42

down at about level with, uh, this charging

55:44

coyote dog. Can you make an attack roll

55:46

on him? That also causes the flail to

55:48

go whipping over his head a second time.

55:51

Dang, Napita. Um, I

55:54

got a 13. You got a

55:56

13? That's pretty good, but this guy is

55:58

extremely f- Cat Gentlemen

56:00

always gets his man. This

56:03

guy is, this is someone to be feared. You're

56:06

charging at him and he's going to run

56:08

up your spine. He just

56:10

like, he steps on your head and he

56:12

just runs up your spine and run and

56:14

goes into Christ pose as he dives towards

56:16

Tommy and Thicke under the hat. He has

56:18

pieced together what's going on here. And he's

56:20

going to jump for Tommy and Thicke. He

56:22

makes an attack roll on the hat and

56:25

he gets an 18. So

56:28

he's going for the hat, Tommy. He knocks your hat

56:31

off of your head. Thicke inside of the hat you

56:33

feel as arms go around you and using

56:37

the force of his dive he rolls

56:39

and both of you now are in,

56:42

you're in the boxing ring. He's rolled with

56:44

you through the rings and you're inside of

56:46

the ring. Smart move Mr. Gentlemen. Bring

56:49

me to my home turf. It's

56:51

on now bitch. He's

56:53

got my finger in his head. Yeah

56:59

he's completely ripped off the cough uniform.

57:02

The finger right is a palm. He's

57:07

all thunk. I

57:09

think my last name is Thunder Thumb

57:12

and that's why he's in here. Quick

57:16

Thunder Thumb. And I'm going to put my thumb

57:19

in this stupid cat's ass. Yeah,

57:21

make an attack roll on his cat. Oh

57:25

hell yeah, hold on. I get a bonus from

57:27

him. Oh,

57:31

I can attack twice per round and I have my

57:33

little sheet metal gloves on or in this

57:36

case we'll just say my hands are disgusting

57:38

and dangerous. Yeah, so I get a plus

57:40

two so I rolled a 19. Oh

57:44

my god. Goes right in. Neither

57:48

of us react to me. There

57:53

is like a long beat of it's just

57:56

like it's just the thumb is in the

57:58

ass. He is completely motionless. His

58:00

eyes are wide and then he goes, YEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYE! And he

58:02

shrieks and all the hair on the back of his

58:04

neck stands up and he turns around and he skips

58:07

it at you. Uh... Uh,

58:09

so you've made your first attack roll. You get two

58:11

per round. Yeah, now I do this a classic combo.

58:13

Once I have one thumb in your ass, I go

58:15

for a hook with the other hand, kind of holding

58:18

you in place a little. Uh... Yeah. Classic.

58:21

Classic. Uh, I actually

58:24

learned this in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Uh,

58:26

as... You put a thumb in it,

58:28

man. Yeah. I

58:31

believe. Okay, well I'm very good at the former

58:33

and not so good at the latter. I rolled

58:35

a seven with the only... He's

58:37

actually... He's

58:40

a lover, not a fighter. You're

58:43

so... Yeah, just the visceral physical experience

58:45

of having your thumb in this guy's

58:47

ass is so unique to you, that

58:49

you're like a little thrown and as

58:51

he's hissing, you just completely whiff it.

58:54

Now he's gonna take an attack on you. He's

58:56

got claws, he's a cat. He's gonna swipe at

58:58

your face. He makes an attack roll. Ooh.

59:02

He misses two. He's just... He's got a thumb in

59:04

his ass. He's like not used to this at all.

59:06

Uh, so you swung at him and whiffed. He swiped

59:08

at you and whiffed. And he's gonna now, he's gonna

59:10

do everything he can to move away from you and

59:12

he's gonna try to like clench his ass to like

59:15

get your thumb out of there. And that's good. That's

59:17

what I want him to do. Yeah.

59:19

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This

59:21

is going perfectly for you. He's just like... He's pushing

59:23

your thumb out as hard as he can. Yeah. Yeah.

59:25

Yeah. Um, while this

59:28

is happening, Tommy Whistle is in the ring

59:30

with him and he has decided to take

59:32

the role of the referee where he is

59:34

just sort of standing between them. Uh, and

59:36

he's not making any calls but he's making...

59:39

He's looking very seriously as if there's something

59:41

bad. As if he's trying to find a

59:43

hold or something illegal. Yeah. It's okay. If

59:46

that's what you're doing, then Cat Gentlemen is

59:48

gonna look at you and be like, blow

59:50

the whistle! Blow the whistle! He's

59:52

fumbling in my apple! Blow the whistle!

59:55

Shoot him! Shoot him! Shoot

59:57

him! He's holding up his finger to

59:59

both... of the opponents, both of the opponents are just

1:00:01

like, don't stay with it, stay with it, you know? Cat-Gentleman's

1:00:05

not used to this. He's used to a different

1:00:07

class of bounty and bounty hunter. He's

1:00:09

not used to having his asshole with

1:00:11

a thumb inside of it. And he's

1:00:14

gonna take an attack roll at Tommy. He's

1:00:17

gonna swipe at Tommy. What the

1:00:19

hug? Okay. He takes a swipe at

1:00:21

you, but his claws are not,

1:00:23

his claws had gone back into his paw

1:00:25

and he just sort of like lightly bats

1:00:27

you. He was really trying to like hit you

1:00:29

with the claws. And instead he just sort of

1:00:31

a like, oh you kind of like flap across

1:00:33

the face. And then he like anime style very

1:00:36

quickly like thinks out loud. There's a thumb in

1:00:38

my asshole and it's causing me to fight poorly.

1:00:40

I need to get the thumb out of my

1:00:42

asshole. So this,

1:00:44

he has broken the seal of

1:00:46

Tommy Whistles respect. And

1:00:48

since he has done that, Tommy Whistles now,

1:00:51

ready for killing. And he

1:00:54

takes out his cowboy gun, spins

1:00:57

it around his finger and then holds

1:01:00

it over his other arm and fires.

1:01:03

Point blank. Okay.

1:01:05

At Cat Gentlemen. Yes, I catch him.

1:01:08

I hope so. Yeah,

1:01:10

make an attack roll on Cat Gentlemen. Oh,

1:01:13

fuck. I got the one.

1:01:17

What? Okay, so

1:01:19

as you do it, before you can

1:01:21

do it, Cat Gentlemen puts his finger

1:01:23

into the barrel of the gun. The

1:01:25

gun explodes on your face, just like

1:01:27

covering your face and like soot and

1:01:29

ash as you blink as if to

1:01:31

say, what a woman. Thickey

1:01:35

gives a knowing nod of like, where'd you learn

1:01:37

that one, Cat? From

1:01:43

just outside the ring, you hear a psss pss. Cat,

1:01:48

that's the only thing that Cat Gentlemen can focus

1:01:50

on here. This pss pss, he's looking, what is

1:01:52

that? What's going on? Where's that coming from?

1:02:00

intruders upon the roof of the chapel

1:02:03

that she sent an old. When

1:02:05

she catches, can she catch Cat's Eye?

1:02:08

If you're doing Piss Piss Piss, yeah, you've got

1:02:11

his attention. Okay, so we've got eye contact and

1:02:13

she slow blinks on him. He

1:02:15

slow blinks at you. And when his

1:02:17

eyes are closed, she rips one of the ropes

1:02:19

from the ring off of the ring and throws

1:02:21

it at him to like wrap him up. Okay,

1:02:24

great. Are you like lasso styling or are you just

1:02:26

like throwing a rope at him? Yeah, I'm

1:02:28

in cartoon rules of like, I

1:02:30

throw the rope and then it's like, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, and it

1:02:32

just totally surrounds him, but I don't- Okay, yeah, no, I

1:02:35

dig that. I know, that's fine. Make a charisma

1:02:37

roll for me. Okay. It's

1:02:41

funny that if cartoon logic, to get a

1:02:43

cartoon logic move, you have to be charismatic.

1:02:46

Yeah, it doesn't work when Elmer Fudd tries it. Ooh.

1:02:49

Okay, I got a 16. You got

1:02:51

a 16? Yeah. It

1:02:53

wraps all around him and you

1:02:55

hear a pop as a sticky thumb

1:02:58

is, it squeezes him so tight that

1:03:00

it shoots the thumb out of his

1:03:02

butthole. Ah! Cat

1:03:06

gentleman says, oh yes, oh no. That's

1:03:10

enough of that. He falls over

1:03:12

to the side. Let's get out of here

1:03:14

while we still have our perfect man. Are

1:03:17

you referring to me? Yes, you

1:03:19

are righteous, honest, kind

1:03:21

man. Let's get him out of

1:03:23

here before the cat's out of the bag or the ropes.

1:03:27

Damn, Neil, that fucking killed

1:03:30

me. You've

1:03:40

thought of the perfect gift for your

1:03:42

pals in your tabletop role-playing group. New

1:03:44

miniatures for each of their characters. No

1:03:46

more chess pieces, pennies, or the Monopoly

1:03:49

boots standing in for your heroes in

1:03:51

combat. But the pewter or plastic fantasy

1:03:53

figurines you've found so far, just

1:03:56

still aren't quite right. Giggle Slippy the

1:03:59

Wise isn't just- Just an elf in

1:04:01

a robe with a big staff. She's a

1:04:03

swamp witch who stole an astronaut's helmet from

1:04:05

a time traveler, and she never goes anywhere

1:04:07

without her deceased lover's tiny ghost that fits

1:04:10

in the palm of her hand. Seems hopeless?

1:04:12

It's not. Hero Forge

1:04:14

has that figurine. They offer fully

1:04:17

customizable tabletop miniatures with dozens of

1:04:19

fantasy species and thousands of parts

1:04:21

to choose from. You will be

1:04:23

stunned at how well you can

1:04:26

create even the wildest and most

1:04:28

oddly specific characters. You can even

1:04:30

take characters from your game. Their easy-to-use design

1:04:32

tool lets you build your

1:04:35

perfect miniature online using a fully

1:04:37

3D in-depth character creator right

1:04:40

in your web browser. Hero Forge

1:04:42

offers custom minis in a variety

1:04:44

of materials, including color printed, premium

1:04:47

plastic, and color standees. But Hero

1:04:49

Forge won't just get your

1:04:51

characters, species, and accessories right. Oh

1:04:54

no, get into the nitty gritty

1:04:56

with the Hero Forge Face Customizer.

1:04:58

This innovative feature offers an extensive

1:05:00

selection of editable areas, including

1:05:02

the scalp, so important, eyebrows,

1:05:05

yes, nose, jawline,

1:05:07

tell me more, and more.

1:05:09

With a variety of presets,

1:05:11

sliders, and control pads, users

1:05:14

can fine-tune every aspect of

1:05:16

their miniature's faces, from age

1:05:18

to expression and morphology. Go

1:05:21

to heroforge.com to give the gift

1:05:23

of a custom miniature this holiday

1:05:25

season. Available on physical miniatures, STLs,

1:05:28

and digital miniatures. Not

1:05:36

usable on Pro or Pro Plus

1:05:38

subscriptions. Giggle Slippy the Wise is

1:05:40

calling. She wants to be real!

1:05:43

Guess what? I'm

1:05:51

here to beg you to attend

1:05:53

my holiday variety spectacular. That's

1:05:55

right. It's called...

1:05:57

Madafakka. And it's on YouTube.

1:06:00

Sunday, December 17th at Littlefield in

1:06:02

Gowanus, New York. There's gonna be

1:06:04

music, and stands up, and sketch,

1:06:06

and hymns? Probably. I'll

1:06:08

be accompanied by Kay Loggins, aka

1:06:10

Time Warp, and new-vosy socks from

1:06:13

Julio Torres, from Lots of Spookies

1:06:15

and My Favorite Shapes, Simple Town,

1:06:17

from Adult Swim, Spag Einbanger from

1:06:19

Lots of Spookies, Search Party, and,

1:06:22

generally, Coney Island, and Richard

1:06:24

Perez, from I Have to Do This. I'll

1:06:26

also be selling original bookmarks, postcards, and

1:06:29

art that you can give to your

1:06:31

friends and family for the holidays. Buy

1:06:34

tickets on the Littlefield website,

1:06:36

or go to my link

1:06:39

tree, linktr.e.e.timacyplast. We

1:06:47

cut now to an alley. It's

1:06:49

about 10, maybe even 11 minutes

1:06:52

later, where our anti-heroes have, they've

1:06:54

ducked for cover. They've taken cover

1:06:56

in an alley, and they're reconvening

1:06:58

now. They've got sticky thunder in

1:07:00

tow. All right, we got him

1:07:02

out of the arena, but where to

1:07:04

next? I don't think there's anywhere in Piss

1:07:06

Harbor that's safe for you anymore. Yeah, I don't

1:07:09

know. I was kind of running out of places

1:07:11

to hang out here before I did all this

1:07:13

bullshit, too. This

1:07:16

man is so forthright and honest.

1:07:19

That's goodness to me. We

1:07:21

have to help him get out of this town.

1:07:23

There's nothing for him here. You don't

1:07:26

have to. In reality, honestly,

1:07:29

attaching yourself to me in any way will

1:07:31

only bring the wrath of Terry surgery. So

1:07:33

do yourselves a favor and just let, you

1:07:35

know, cut me loose, cut ties with

1:07:37

me, protect yourselves, and I'll be okay. I'm

1:07:40

made to fight, and I'll fight my way

1:07:42

out of here, or I'll fight my way

1:07:44

directly into the grave, which, of course, means

1:07:46

losing the fight. But I'm game

1:07:49

for whatever it takes. What

1:07:51

is so scary about this Terry

1:07:53

surgery anyway? He can't even satisfy

1:07:56

his life. That's... I'm

1:07:58

sorry, Ejika. That makes

1:08:00

him scarier than ever. Someone

1:08:02

who could stand idly by why

1:08:04

a stranger pumps his wife, Rebecca,

1:08:06

yesterday. Do you understand the

1:08:08

kind of medal a man

1:08:11

must require to watch that and just sit

1:08:13

on a hotel chair in the corner of

1:08:15

the room going, oh, God, no, no, no.

1:08:18

But mostly if that is for show, because it

1:08:20

adds to the pleasure in his mind. Yeah, of

1:08:22

course, I happen to spend some time in the

1:08:24

gym with Terry surgery, so I got caught up

1:08:27

on some of this stuff. I

1:08:29

don't think this helps us in any way, unless

1:08:31

of course. Well, if it's

1:08:33

some sort of faux-cuck

1:08:36

situation and get ourselves in

1:08:38

and out of there, oh,

1:08:40

pun intended there by accident, get ourselves in

1:08:43

and out of Terry surgery's hideout. What that

1:08:45

would do for us in the long run,

1:08:47

I'm not sure of, but I

1:08:49

know I would- Can't we just kill him? Oh,

1:08:52

yeah, we could just kill him. Seems like a

1:08:54

kind of farcical sexual escapade that would only get

1:08:56

us in more danger and more trouble. I'm

1:08:59

just planning on having sex with anyone. I'm

1:09:01

a sword. I'm open to it. Well, keep

1:09:03

your mind open, Echika. Thank

1:09:05

you, Mio. He makes a great

1:09:07

point. Think about it. If we

1:09:10

distract him with his sexual escapade of

1:09:12

cuckoldry, which is what he craves more

1:09:14

than anything else, he'll be distracted again

1:09:17

by the man or woman sleeping with

1:09:19

his wife. He'll be so distracted

1:09:21

that we'll be able to sneak off from out

1:09:23

of here with no one following him at

1:09:26

all. What was the last part, Tommy?

1:09:30

No one will be following him, you, at

1:09:32

all. So

1:09:35

we go in. Why are

1:09:37

we going back to his house to

1:09:40

have some much sleep with his wife?

1:09:43

He said it so complicated. We're

1:09:46

going to set up a cuckold

1:09:48

situation so he's distracted

1:09:51

long enough. He doesn't know where with

1:09:53

Siki right now. Couldn't we

1:09:56

just sneak him out right now? That's what we

1:09:58

want to do. Well,

1:10:01

Terry's never actually been present

1:10:03

for his cuckolding with me. Whenever

1:10:05

I've been with Rebecca, we've been alone. But

1:10:09

Terry also doesn't know that Rebecca

1:10:11

and I are an item. He

1:10:13

thinks you're the one

1:10:16

that's been two-timing him, Tommy. Me?

1:10:20

But I've been chased unless I've been

1:10:22

in love, and also rarely

1:10:24

have I truly been in love.

1:10:27

So why don't we leave Rebecca alone

1:10:29

and kill Terry? Yeah,

1:10:33

I also feel like we're not centering Rebecca's

1:10:35

agency in this situation at all. I think

1:10:37

leave Rebecca alone. You know,

1:10:39

I'm not the most moral thing on the planet,

1:10:41

but I'd like to leave her alone and kill

1:10:43

Terry. Yeah, I'm not positive what distracting Terry

1:10:45

at this point where we're not currently in

1:10:47

his clutches how that would help us. But

1:10:50

I am curious about Tommy's

1:10:52

demisexual adventures. To me, that

1:10:55

could be something I would want to hear

1:10:57

more about. But there's

1:10:59

got... Are the two

1:11:01

options kill Terry or fuck his wife? Is

1:11:03

that the only thing we've come up with?

1:11:06

No, the third option is you fucking his wife.

1:11:08

So we're saying we gotta kill him. The

1:11:11

third option is just like we get you down to the

1:11:13

docks and put you on a boat to another

1:11:15

city. Ooh, a boat to

1:11:18

another city. Okay.

1:11:21

And then we don't do any of that while I

1:11:23

do that. No one. No, I'm open

1:11:25

to it. Let

1:11:28

her rest. She is

1:11:30

tired. No

1:11:33

one, but I will tomorrow on

1:11:35

her own time. By

1:11:38

her large class of santa says, all

1:11:40

right, so I'm fucking sticky on a boat.

1:11:42

Let's do this. She's

1:11:46

sticky, kind of eyeball. And

1:11:49

he does like the classic when you

1:11:51

eye up a person like from foot

1:11:53

to head, but it's weirdly horizontal for

1:11:55

thinking because he's like sort of down

1:11:57

Jonathan's chest and across his. horse

1:12:00

body, stopping somewhere

1:12:02

between the rear legs. Okay,

1:12:05

let's talk Jonathan. That was

1:12:07

your name. I think I

1:12:09

heard someone say you were.

1:12:12

Yeah. All right. Jonathan

1:12:14

looks at the group. Right. You're

1:12:16

all looking at me as though I said something

1:12:19

you didn't say. No,

1:12:22

it's Jonathan. It's fine. It's fine. I just

1:12:24

don't know that you two will have time

1:12:26

to forge this connection that is palpable.

1:12:30

Here's my pitch. We get

1:12:32

Tiki in some kind of, I don't

1:12:34

know, disguise, right? Then we get

1:12:36

him down to the docks. We book him

1:12:38

passage on a ship out of here with

1:12:40

a new name, a new identity, and

1:12:43

a new future. All right, good. I didn't

1:12:45

know how my sexual intercourse with him on

1:12:47

a boat was gonna help anything. But I'm

1:12:49

a team player. We know. I

1:12:51

got a few things that'll help but not the current

1:12:53

situation. But it could take the edge off both of

1:12:55

us in the long run, six

1:12:58

is wonderful or add an edge to

1:13:00

me. Really, I think I'm just doing

1:13:02

the math here or the technically doing

1:13:04

the bio biology here could be pretty

1:13:06

stressful on my frame. But you

1:13:08

know what, I'm down a rabbit

1:13:10

hole here. We're I think we're moving away

1:13:12

from fucking each other and fucking wives and

1:13:14

stuff, which is totally reasonable. I gotta get

1:13:16

the fuck out of here. I

1:13:19

think it would be prudent for all of

1:13:21

us to just take a little moment and

1:13:24

enjoy each other's physical presences

1:13:26

before making a decision because

1:13:28

it seems that everything that

1:13:31

we've been saying has

1:13:33

to do with some strange

1:13:35

sexuality. You hear a voice

1:13:37

from an open window in the, like opposite

1:13:39

of the alley say, Yeah, I think the

1:13:41

frogs right. Tommy,

1:13:45

I thought you were the chastest of us

1:13:47

all unless I was in love and maybe

1:13:49

I am in love with this group here.

1:13:52

Picking out moral people, killing

1:13:54

people who ain't moral, disagreeing

1:13:57

like a family. A

1:16:00

kid with a newsboy cab shouting extra extra

1:16:02

we know about that fat dicks

1:16:04

got ripped off of a guy Other

1:16:08

children are running up and buying coffee. No Vicki

1:16:17

I was I was thinking like maybe

1:16:20

like a trademark piece of jewelry or

1:16:22

keepsake, but your dick works I

1:16:25

know it doesn't it doesn't at all

1:16:27

Well, but

1:16:29

it works for what you're needed for it just

1:16:31

doesn't work for what I want it for so What

1:16:34

were you offering me earlier? I'm

1:16:38

a I'm a devil with the mouth sweetheart

1:16:44

Even on the phone you watch me

1:16:46

finger the cat guy, right? Once

1:16:53

again I'm

1:16:57

about to lose his dick and might as well be able

1:16:59

to use it to its fullest Capabilities

1:17:02

before he laid out. I

1:17:04

am a cowboy frog. I

1:17:07

wish Tommy I wish but my

1:17:09

it's just barely sewn on

1:17:11

its cosmetic at this point It's actually

1:17:14

and this is crazy to say

1:17:16

it's not that difficult for me to give

1:17:18

you guys my dismembered cock a Worthy

1:17:21

sacrifice will take it like

1:17:23

untying a shoe Your terrible

1:17:25

member is the ticket to your freedom

1:17:29

release yourself It's

1:17:33

actually it's a beautiful moment, you know, we all gather

1:17:35

around thick thick

1:17:37

he reaches into his pants a

1:17:40

single tear goes down his cheek as

1:17:42

he kind of you hear like an

1:17:45

unzipping sound like a sleeping bag like

1:17:50

And thick he just opens his palm and

1:17:52

and inside of it Like

1:17:57

a pog slammer more or less It's

1:18:00

glowing. It's

1:18:05

got elf on it. We

1:18:12

need to keep this safe. Tommy, would you lift your

1:18:14

hat? Tommy, put his hands on

1:18:16

either side of his 10 gallon hat and

1:18:18

he lifts the hat off of his head.

1:18:21

Make a meal of it. Yeah. He

1:18:23

turns it over so this hat is more like a

1:18:25

bowl. A deep bowl.

1:18:28

Three feet deep. Not

1:18:31

going to need it. Vicki

1:18:34

drops his little chode in

1:18:36

there. You hear

1:18:38

it fall for really long. Yeah, we hear

1:18:40

like a long whistle. It makes it sound

1:18:43

like when Goofy falls off a cliff. Yeah!

1:18:45

It splashes when it gets to

1:18:48

the top. Vicki,

1:18:51

like a wish. I

1:18:54

already did and it already came true.

1:18:58

I don't know. I

1:19:00

didn't. But

1:19:03

I wish that I had made friends and it happened. Thank

1:19:05

you. Wow! A

1:19:08

kind man. A lovely man.

1:19:10

An honest man. We

1:19:13

can't kill him. He's too good. We

1:19:15

already took that off the table like a

1:19:17

flight a while ago. You've

1:19:19

been suggesting we have sex with him for like 45

1:19:21

minutes. I just like to

1:19:24

repeat the good things we do. It makes

1:19:26

me feel like it's okay when we do

1:19:28

the bad things we do. We

1:19:30

do bad things? Let's save him! We

1:19:33

cut to Terry surgery's office now. You

1:19:35

see, gathered in Terry surgery's office, Moose,

1:19:38

Tommy, Edgica, Neil,

1:19:41

Jonathan Large, and

1:19:43

a chef with a large mustache

1:19:45

and a big chef's hat and

1:19:47

a big chef's coat holding a

1:19:50

rolling pin. He's

1:19:52

like 38 inches tall. But

1:19:55

what a chef. Would you

1:19:57

say he's jacked? Yeah, he's... Unbelievable.

1:20:00

And you know, you can tell that this guy needs a

1:20:02

lot of dough. Yeah, he's got he's got he's

1:20:04

like almost all muscle almost. Terry

1:20:06

surgery is big chairs facing out looking over

1:20:09

Piss Harbor. He turns around in his big

1:20:11

chair. And what do you want?

1:20:13

And he looks at the chef and goes, Oh, hello. Oh,

1:20:18

la la. Terry

1:20:20

I got some bad news. We we

1:20:23

tried our best to bring him in alive. But that that's

1:20:26

Jack halfling. He just he

1:20:28

just put up too much of a fight and we had to put him

1:20:30

down. In fact, all that's

1:20:32

left of him is this and moose motions to

1:20:34

Tommy. I feel like at this point, Tommy

1:20:37

wants to explain for maybe a minute and a half

1:20:39

how he takes his hat off. Tommy's

1:20:44

elbow. No, no. Ben.

1:20:47

Not the hat. He

1:20:55

picks it off and turns it over and

1:20:58

reaches inside and he

1:21:00

rustles around. He rustles around, rustles around and pulls

1:21:02

out that very dick

1:21:04

that was removed before. Well,

1:21:07

this is all we've got left of the man who

1:21:09

fought so hard. And his hand is like

1:21:11

buttons and some lint and the key and

1:21:13

then also like a bloody dump of a

1:21:15

dick. Yeah,

1:21:18

we grabbed him by the dick and dumped

1:21:20

him in acid, but the acid was too

1:21:22

strong. Sorry, too strong of an acid. It

1:21:26

burned his old body and both. Terry

1:21:28

surgery nods an Achilles circumcision.

1:21:35

He takes the dick and he looks at it and

1:21:37

then he takes the cover of Newsweek with the

1:21:39

disembodied dick on it. He looks at

1:21:41

that. He looks at the cover. Back of the dick,

1:21:43

the cover of the dick. He

1:21:46

puts the magazine down and says, my word.

1:21:49

You really did it. You really

1:21:52

ripped his dick off and killed him. Yeah,

1:21:55

sorry. We were trying to bring him in alive

1:21:57

like you asked, but that acid,

1:21:59

I don't. I know my way around

1:22:01

the ratios of poison to waters.

1:22:03

Sorry about that. Well the important

1:22:05

thing is that he's dead. I wanted to

1:22:08

torture him to death, but well, I

1:22:11

suppose if he's dead, he's dead. It's

1:22:13

good that this happened and he looks, he spins around in his

1:22:15

chair and he looks out on the harbor and he goes, yes!

1:22:18

He spins back around. I'm

1:22:21

very glad that this happened. I

1:22:24

can't offer you the full $700,000 or

1:22:26

gold or whatever we use for money in

1:22:29

this world, but I

1:22:31

can offer you 100 gold each. That's

1:22:34

a lot less. It is

1:22:37

and he waves the dick at you. This is

1:22:39

a lot less of thickies. A

1:22:42

lot less. How about 120 gold

1:22:44

each? 120

1:22:47

gold each. What's the

1:22:49

difference between 20 gonna make? 200

1:22:52

for the chef. I'll give 200 for the chef. You

1:22:55

want me to cook that dick up for you, sir? He

1:22:58

claps and he tosses you the dick and says, throw

1:23:00

it over your head like a pizza dough. Only

1:23:04

Moose is sitting close to the

1:23:06

chef here. Whoops, I maybe pushed

1:23:09

it a little too far. He

1:23:14

leans forward and says, yes, cook the dick. Cook

1:23:16

the dick in front of me. Oh

1:23:19

no. Ah, okay. Think

1:23:21

back to all the cooking shows you would

1:23:23

watch instead of spending time with your fiance.

1:23:27

I grab a pan. Weirdly enough, he

1:23:29

has a cooking show trolley thing come

1:23:31

sliding out and has just a single

1:23:34

burner and a pan on it and

1:23:36

some like grip. Here,

1:23:38

here, here. And he turns the heat

1:23:40

up on his desk and he goes, Benny Hana style.

1:23:43

Oh, okay. Who's having a birthday? Thick

1:23:49

he throws the little dick disc onto

1:23:51

the table and is spinning it around.

1:23:54

He puts it up on its side

1:23:56

and spins it like a coin. He

1:23:58

says, Timster. He

1:24:01

throws it on the ground, he's kind of like shaking it

1:24:03

around with a spatula and a knife. Grabs

1:24:06

that shooter thing of oil, that squeaked bottle

1:24:09

of oil, shoots it right into the urethra

1:24:11

and then bites it and it causes the

1:24:13

onion volcano but out of the tip of

1:24:15

a tiny stocky dick and it's falling off

1:24:18

there and he's like, oh! Is

1:24:22

what you want to call it, is Terry into this? Is

1:24:24

it working? Is he enjoying

1:24:26

the show? You describe this so beautifully, can you

1:24:28

make a charisma roll with advantage for me? Sure.

1:24:31

Mmm, ooh, running back. A

1:24:35

14 we rolled. Mmm,

1:24:40

Terry is into this, yeah. He's

1:24:43

clapping and he opens his mouth and he points to his

1:24:45

mouth and he goes, ah! No!

1:24:48

Alright, sick he like turns to the

1:24:51

other adventure person and shrugs his shoulders

1:24:53

like, I'm being too deep now. Moose

1:24:59

mouths, I'm so sorry. Do

1:25:01

you have like thumbs up, like hell

1:25:03

yeah man. Uh, sick

1:25:05

he grabs his, scoops his dickie up in like

1:25:08

a spatula and

1:25:10

uses it like a slingshot like you would flick

1:25:12

mashed potatoes off a spoon like in a hook.

1:25:15

Yeah! Yeah, bangering, rufio,

1:25:17

bangering! He flicks his

1:25:20

dick off the top of the spatula and

1:25:23

I guess I'll roll for decks. Yeah,

1:25:27

yeah, arranged attack. Perfect.

1:25:31

Oh no, what did I roll to do? Why

1:25:34

did you roll? Why did I say roll?

1:25:40

I never would have made you. There's

1:25:43

gotta be some chance in the system,

1:25:45

man. It

1:25:47

goes right past him and it flies right

1:25:50

past his head and it shatters the window

1:25:53

behind him and it just shot out and

1:25:56

Carrie turns and he says, no! My food!

1:25:58

And runs towards him. the

1:26:00

window shattering the window and jumping

1:26:02

out into the night sky after it Terry

1:26:05

don't you owe me $200 and you

1:26:09

hear Terry shouting oh I just I managed to

1:26:12

eat it I managed to I'm eating I'm

1:26:14

eating the dick is oh no the ground

1:26:16

is fast approaching oh oh is

1:26:18

this the end of Terry said oh good

1:26:21

oh there's a pillow factory down below hopefully

1:26:23

I'll end of the oh no I've landed

1:26:25

on the roof of the

1:26:27

pillow back out a broken

1:26:30

glass oh

1:26:34

I'll be back in a future episode oh oh

1:26:38

but I'm out for now moose runs to

1:26:40

the window and looks out and sees that

1:26:42

Terry is like clinging to life and he

1:26:44

goes not today Rebecca not today

1:26:46

and Neil looks at thickie and she

1:26:49

goes it's how you use

1:26:51

it yeah it must have

1:26:53

gotten erect while I was cooking it

1:26:57

one last hurrah I would like to

1:26:59

maintain that our sexual chemistry is still

1:27:01

through the roof I'm

1:27:04

being carried by a dog what

1:27:06

strange adventures we have in

1:27:08

this harbor this night of

1:27:10

night the

1:27:13

window it did a start when foe

1:27:15

becomes friend when friend becomes

1:27:17

chef and when chef

1:27:20

becomes killer almost killer of man

1:27:22

man married to lover man married

1:27:24

to wife who was lover of

1:27:27

friend but many webs we weave

1:27:29

in this dark city could

1:27:31

create what we like to call story

1:27:35

adventure romance

1:27:38

mystique love

1:27:41

even I'll take it from here

1:27:43

Tommy whistle Wow what an exciting

1:27:46

episode of rude tales of magic

1:27:48

thank you everyone for tuning in

1:27:50

tune in in two weeks when

1:27:52

all of these characters will return

1:27:54

except for thickie thunder good night

1:27:57

everybody good night

1:27:59

good night And

1:28:05

Seem! That

1:28:07

was Ali Fisher as Neil,

1:28:09

Harley Monado as Ejita, Risks

1:28:12

of a Hastings as Jonathan

1:28:15

Lodge, Jollipore as Moose, Tim

1:28:18

Platt as Tummy Whistle, and

1:28:20

Branson Lees as everything and

1:28:22

everyone else, with one notable

1:28:25

exception! Risks of Magic

1:28:27

is produced by Puckett & Milks,

1:28:30

edited by Sam Grant, Sound

1:28:32

designed by Steve De LaMater,

1:28:35

and scored by Cardiac Sanders,

1:28:37

with a DIGITAL sound design

1:28:39

for Michael Gelsley, and

1:28:42

always special thanks to Tyler Button, and

1:28:44

Sidney and Benjamin Paul, and our

1:28:47

big freak Christina Lopez, and

1:28:49

special thanks to our guest with the

1:28:52

mask, John Gabriel.

1:28:54

You can hear him on his

1:28:56

podcasts High and Mighty and Action

1:28:59

Boys, and watch him

1:29:01

on TruTV's 101 Places to Party Before

1:29:03

You Die! Ha

1:29:08

ha ha ha ha! Oh,

1:29:10

goodnight. That

1:29:16

was the Head Down Podcast.