0:02

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Okay.

0:15

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word

0:17

was God, and the Word was with God. And

0:20

the Word was friends with God. Kinda.

0:24

I mean, yes, but like, they were for sure

0:26

closer back in the day, but they're like definitely friends

0:28

now. But

0:32

it is like, like the Word

0:34

doesn't know how, like the last time they

0:37

actually talked. Like the Word knows that

0:39

they're cool. They know that they're cool

0:41

with each other, and they enjoy seeing each other,

0:43

and they text like the Word and God, they

0:45

definitely text. It's like, you

0:47

know, their lives have gone so many

0:49

different places, and God is like literally famous now,

0:52

which is like totally deserved, and the Word isn't

0:54

saying it's not deserved. It's just

0:56

like, it's like honestly kind of complicated. Like

0:58

they were close friends, they are

1:00

friends, and like allies probably, but like the

1:03

Word kind of struggles with what they're saying

1:05

they're God's friend now, like in social situations

1:07

or even like online, like is

1:09

that accurate or is it even like a little like clout chasey

1:12

to do that or like, they

1:14

are literally friends. So these

1:17

were all things the Word could not say in public.

1:20

It was gauche. And no one in

1:22

the Christian world would hear such honesty with,

1:24

ironically, charity. To get any

1:26

kind of perspective, the Word has only one option,

1:29

and to speak to him, the Word

1:31

had to go to hell. For

1:33

those paying attention, Yuletide Combat Family is

1:35

a show about holiday killers fighting each

1:37

other, and part

1:39

of that incredible mythology is about how the Christmas

1:41

spirit was trapped in hell for a little while. If

1:44

you remember that, you also might remember that

1:46

in the infinitely deep bowels of hell, there

1:48

is a hole. A hole that

1:51

leads to the one place deeper than

1:53

hell, the Greek imagination. Yay! Everyone

1:55

cheers. Everyone cheers. Yay!

2:01

Oh, yes, we are doing it. It

2:04

was there the word had to go to find

2:06

someone with whom he could be honest about his

2:08

complicated relationship with someone perfect. It was there the

2:10

word went to meet Narcissus. Ah,

2:13

Narcissus. A man so vain he

2:15

would actually, and I'm serious here,

2:17

check himself out in reflective surfaces.

2:21

Like, isn't that crazy? Like can you imagine

2:23

if like you did that? Like if you

2:25

did something like that? Like if you walked

2:27

by a window and like checked out your

2:29

fit? Wouldn't that be crazy? Wouldn't that be

2:31

a crazy thing that you would do? Okay,

2:34

take two. Ah,

2:36

Narcissus. A man hot enough to

2:39

want to fuck himself yet fragile enough to be exploited

2:41

by ripples. Take

2:45

three. Ah, Narcissus.

2:47

A man so vain that he actually found

2:49

the surface of water more interesting than the

2:51

varieties of fish, bugs, and crustacean underneath. That's

2:53

crazy to me. template, if you didn't know.

2:56

Okay, note the editor. You just want to pick whichever

2:58

one of those takes. Got the cast for a second

3:00

to respect me. So. Keep

3:02

looking. The

3:05

word that Narcissus at Narcissus' office. Chateau

3:07

de la Pense. It's

3:10

just the word began. It's like God is

3:12

everywhere all the time and that's amazing. I

3:14

can't help but feel like our relationship, which

3:17

I value so high, doesn't mean it's faint

3:19

to him because of how many other celestial

3:21

and earthly entities he has to interact with

3:23

literally all the time and everywhere. Does that

3:25

make any sense? I

3:29

want to fuck myself. Yes,

3:31

you're right. I shouldn't waste

3:33

time comparing myself to others. I should focus

3:35

on what makes me special. I'm enough. To

3:37

me, a mirror is a wedding vow. Yes,

3:40

well, thanks for the chat, Narcissus. I needed it,

3:43

especially with the lines of Yuletide Combat family being

3:45

announced soon. It's just so hard to focus on

3:47

your own lane when you see your peers getting

3:49

public opportunities. What if

3:51

you had less peers? Narcissus,

3:54

for the first time, turned its head away from

3:56

the pond and towards the word. One

3:58

I narrow that the word from spirit. all

4:00

the other eyes strained in desperation as

4:02

it maintained focus on his reflection in

4:04

the pond, like a chameleon in physical

4:06

therapy relearning how to look cool. What

4:11

if you convinced Yuletide Combat Family Organizing

4:14

Committee to open up their application pool

4:16

to include the Greek myths? That

4:19

way you would feel less jilted because a bunch of

4:21

those fighting spots would need to be allotted for Greek

4:23

myths and thus were never yours to begin with. The

4:26

myths would finally get a chance to return to

4:28

Earth and I, finally alone, would get more quality

4:30

time to fuck myself uninterrupted. Fuck

4:34

myself, begged Echo eavesdropping.

4:37

Ignore her. Ignore

4:39

her. She wants to fuck me,

4:41

which I think is weird. The only normal thing in

4:43

the world is that I want to fuck me. The

4:47

word... Damn, Mo! Fuck! Ally,

4:53

shush, this is our Christmas special. Oh,

4:55

sorry. The word, who was there

4:57

in the beginning, who was God and was

4:59

with God, and who was jealous of Christmas,

5:02

apparently, agreed. This year's Yuletide

5:04

Combat Family will be Greek mythology

5:06

themed! Woo! Cheering!

5:11

But that's not all, fighters. In honor

5:13

of Narcissus's sacrifice, the bitter nature of

5:15

which you will soon learn well enough,

5:17

this year's tournament will also be Love

5:19

Island themed! That's

5:21

right. The winners of each round will get

5:23

first pick in the evening's recoupling ceremony. Wow!

5:27

Oh my goodness. Because of public voting? Maybe,

5:30

actually. We can talk about that. So,

5:34

in that Love Island theme, each battle is

5:36

also kind of a date. Merry

5:38

Christmas! So,

5:43

I have four amazing fighters before me.

5:45

I'd like for you all to introduce

5:47

yourselves right now and save your characters. Save

5:50

your characters for when they actually fight.

5:52

But I just want to introduce everyone

5:54

here. At first, the boy in the

5:56

blue shirts bounding from limb to limb

5:58

on the highest bow of that Christmas.

6:00

tree upon which we, um, uh, uh,

6:03

with a shining star. It's Joe Lepore!

6:06

On the highest bow, I hope. You

6:08

damn right. You're goddamn

6:10

right. What's up, listeners?

6:13

I'm Joe Lepore. So

6:15

glad you could join us today. You can

6:17

hear me on the podcast's new Tales of

6:19

Magic. And, oh these, those

6:21

stars of spin. I

6:24

heard of two French hens, but

6:26

two podcasts? Insane. And speaking

6:29

of- It's two turtle doves. Is

6:31

that true? Three French hens. It's

6:33

three French hens. Yep. Yep. Editor,

6:36

whoever you are, please leave that. Yeah,

6:38

editor, who is me, by the way. But

6:42

speaking of three French

6:45

hens. French. Huh. That

6:47

is the land of the many culinary delights,

6:50

many of which are baked

6:52

like the expert baker in

6:55

the bunch, Carly Monardo. Looks

6:59

cool is right there. You could have just said,

7:01

speaking of looks cool. I

7:03

wanted to get more specific. You know,

7:05

I appreciate it. You all look cool. No

7:07

one would have known who I was talking

7:09

about. I had to get more specific, Carly.

7:12

I simply had to. Okay.

7:14

Um, yeah, it's me, Carly Monardo, and

7:17

you can hear me on the podcast's Rude

7:20

Tales of Magic and are these the stars of space?

7:23

Geez, I've heard of two golden rings, but

7:26

two podcasts? Geez, Louise. Um, uh,

7:31

I forget the other ones, but no

7:33

one's. Don't forget my good friend, Ally

7:35

Fisher. I thought you meant you

7:37

forgot me and Chris. No, I forgot the other lyrics to that

7:39

song. That's fine. Hello, I'm Ally Fisher, and

7:44

you can also hear me on

7:47

the podcast's Rude

7:49

Tales of Magic and are these the stars

7:51

of space? Geez, I've heard of two

7:53

wise men, but two podcasts? Speaking

7:57

of wise men, um, They

8:00

often carry frankincense and myrrh. And

8:04

the spell of those amazes me. Who

8:06

else amazes me? Oh my good friend

8:08

Christopher Hastings. Seasons, greetings,

8:10

Tim. It's

8:13

me, Christopher Hastings. You

8:15

might know me from a couple of

8:17

my podcasts, Rude Tales of Magic presents

8:19

Comet the King. And

8:22

also from the Rude Tales

8:24

of Magic Patreon, Lazers

8:27

and Feelings. That's

8:30

where I know you. And so I'm glad to be

8:32

reminded. Fuck you right out of 2020. Friends,

8:37

in this little tight season, we're going to

8:39

be doing something you've never done before. Having

8:41

Christmas characters not only fight each other, but

8:43

also potentially fall in love. In honor of

8:46

the other theme, Greek mythology, you may be

8:48

wondering, it seems like it's just made sense

8:50

to do Greek mythology and Christmas. Why'd you

8:52

add the Love Island aspect to it? I

8:54

would argue it didn't even make sense to do

8:56

those two together. No, it's because I had

8:58

an amazing idea. I had an amazing idea to do that.

9:00

I have to all do an amazing idea. OK. That's

9:04

just how it goes. Sense? Everyone

9:06

listening, sense is just momentum. And if you

9:08

got it, you got it. Now.

9:14

No, Tim, I just got a text. What?

9:17

Well, it said, this

9:19

year's Yuletide Combat has to start

9:21

now. Hashtag, it's go time. Hashtag,

9:23

let's do it. He got a

9:25

text. He got a text. I

9:28

got a text. Yeah, if you don't

9:30

know Love Island, it's like it's just a good dating

9:32

reality show. That's all you need to know. There's a

9:34

recoupling ceremony at the end of most episodes. That's all

9:37

you really need to know. So

9:42

our first two fighters will be, I'm the Robodice

9:44

here to find out who it is,

9:46

Christopher and Joe

9:49

Lepore. I

9:51

thought you said you wanted me to go first. You said

9:53

you wanted me to go first. You're exactly right.

9:55

Yeah. But then

9:57

he rolled the dice. The first.

10:00

great time. The

10:03

first two, okay so the

10:05

first two are. What is

10:08

this? What is this theater for? No

10:10

one can see you rolling the dice except

10:13

us and you're probably going to cut this

10:15

audio so why are you rolling the dice?

10:18

I love it. It's what makes a part of

10:20

it. You guys can do this too. This is an open

10:22

invitation to do this. This is kind

10:24

of fun. I don't even

10:27

have dice. I'm going to do it. Yes and

10:30

it's Ali Fisher and oh

10:32

my gosh and Carly

10:34

Monardo. And

10:38

I did backup rolls and I got the

10:40

same result. Okay great that's fantastic. Yeah um

10:42

so and I pointed it out. Accuracy. So

10:47

I'm gonna set up the terrain and then and

10:50

then you two will do your character

10:52

reveals and taunts and then I'm gonna say one two

10:55

three fight. Tim do you have

10:57

any rules you want to review for the listener?

10:59

Oh yeah no. Because

11:01

I remember everything. Yeah

11:05

we're gonna have characters fight each other back

11:07

and forth. There's like a

11:09

barrel is barely sense here but

11:12

everyone's got ten point every character's got ten points

11:15

and when they die they die but they'll come back

11:17

to life later probably so don't be too sad about

11:19

it. Please don't be sad about this podcast. You happy?

11:22

Those are the rules I got but now we're entering

11:25

our first terrain. A

11:29

Christmas tree the size of a normal man

11:31

nine feet stands between you two. Behind

11:34

it a fireplace and cracks pleasantly. Oh

11:36

wait sorry I had to make this

11:38

a little more mythic. Behind it a

11:40

hearth is tended to aestia. There

11:43

we go. Your characters have been

11:45

at odds regarding business versus authentic small town

11:47

life for the entire first half of this

11:49

Hallmark movie which when somehow circumstances have pushed

11:51

both of you together to Decorate

11:54

this Christmas tree which is something

11:56

you both strangely both agree is

11:58

capital I important. The

12:00

only must you fight you must also please

12:02

ornaments upon the tree decorating it. Beautiful lazy.

12:04

A beautifully in tiny box is all around.

12:06

You are mystery or miss with mysterious capabilities

12:09

that may be used for a fight. Also

12:11

any other kind of normal ornament is available

12:13

but aegis or of have to ask also

12:15

yes most likely but yeah that you have

12:17

to ask I'm actually know what you is

12:20

I'll have to have to have a reason

12:22

he gets he said he. Couldn't

12:25

be seen. Standing.

12:28

In the middle of the room. Akimbo

12:30

legs, Wide hands

12:32

off upon have and.

12:35

Sexy. As hell is he

12:38

Xena warrior princess from the

12:40

episode A Solstice Carol season

12:42

Two episode nine of which

12:44

aired on December nice night

12:46

as his. I guess it's

12:48

it's she looks like Lucy

12:50

Lawless. The

12:53

zebra taunt. She.

12:55

Sir does she says.

12:59

And. Who and the other side of his Christmas

13:02

tree to B C. Friends

13:04

he would be a means

13:06

of this in height. Shiny

13:09

black leather outfits that one could

13:11

make in the midst of a

13:13

nervous breakdown out of a single

13:16

jacket. Yes, It's

13:18

Selina Kyle, I'm sorry. Had

13:21

Woman as portrayed by Michelle Pfeiffer

13:23

And Batman Returns. And

13:27

I just remind me what where how it's Christmas. Suddenly.

13:30

Takes place during Christmas. Fantastic! And what

13:33

year was elegant? How fucking remember? Okay

13:35

we had. I mean I'm up. We've

13:37

got were move a good of month

13:39

and a sick to my character from

13:42

the ninety's. Also, the name is mostly Allah.

13:44

Always ninety Two with Ninety Two. Okay,

13:47

I don't know that you miss

13:49

Kitty that I feel so much

13:51

young air. Well

13:54

with of what they know,

13:56

Merry Christmas Santa One Two

13:59

Three. Zina's

14:01

shaking off the

14:03

reverberance of that taunt and she says

14:05

to herself, I love Gabrielle. And

14:11

she turns around and when she

14:13

stands again before you, you don't

14:15

recognize her. So it is Zina. She

14:17

is in a costume. It's all white

14:19

rag. She's holding a candelabra and the

14:21

room has gone dark. She

14:24

says, mankind calls

14:26

me close-up. First of

14:28

the fates, whose province is

14:31

the past, look

14:33

upon this ornament. She says

14:35

it picks up an ornament and

14:37

it reminds you of something devastating in

14:39

your past and you take several psychic

14:42

damage. Whoa. Wow. Okay.

14:44

Will both of you roll a

14:47

six-eyed die? Yeah. I

14:50

got a six. I got,

14:52

oh, I got a three. Is

14:54

that good? That doesn't work. You

14:56

hold up the wrong ornaments. You

14:58

hold up the ornament. You hold

15:00

it actually upside down so the

15:02

hook part is hanging and the

15:04

hook actually it swings and the

15:06

power of the fury pushes it into

15:08

your little, into your little arm.

15:11

You take a little, you take a

15:13

little cut, which is minus one

15:15

point apparently. It doesn't

15:18

bother me though. She

15:20

says it, but you can tell she's a little bit

15:22

in pain. And then she unhooks it and throws it

15:24

on the tree. Great. And what,

15:26

and can you tell me what that ornament

15:29

was? Yeah, it was like a little, it

15:32

was like a little greeting

15:34

from Colorado. Great. Greetings from

15:36

Colorado. This is gonna be a beautiful Christmas tree.

15:39

When it's covered in blood. Karly,

15:41

your turn. Catwoman,

15:46

at the sight of this precious

15:49

porcelain ornament, flies

15:52

into a rage, grabs her

15:54

cast iron skillet and smashes

15:56

it to pieces. She

15:58

then retrieves her own ornament. Can't

16:00

vape and put it on the tree.

16:04

Okay, so you have... Wait, where'd

16:06

you smash the pan? I

16:12

took out the ornament. You took out the ornament, but

16:14

you did not attack Zina with the pan? Not

16:16

yet. So you were taking off ornaments from the

16:18

tree? Yeah. I

16:20

thought this would be a bad ass day. Turns out it's

16:23

just a bad date. Ali, do you

16:25

want to move? Okay, so

16:27

well, Zina, furious

16:29

at this action, still

16:32

gathers her with and turns around once again. And

16:34

you don't recognize her because

16:38

she looks different. She says, I am

16:43

Lachas, second of the faith,

16:45

here to show you your presence. Tonight

16:47

we go among your subjects. Tonight

16:52

we go among your subjects, as

16:54

anonymous to them as they are to you.

16:57

The better to show you how your cruel

16:59

laws and harsh judgments affect them. And

17:03

then I take you around town where you

17:05

are the king and you learn a lesson

17:07

about how cruel you've been to them. Can

17:13

we get some context for what this means?

17:16

I mean, well, okay, here's the thing. In

17:18

the episode, it's a king. You

17:21

know, Zina has like a sword and other

17:24

weapons, right? She has tons. She

17:27

has a chakram? Well, you

17:29

know what? Honestly, if that can work

17:31

on a king, then it can definitely work on a

17:33

supervillain. So I'm

17:35

saying that works. We now

17:37

see more of an anti-hero.

17:40

We see Catwoman being pushed by

17:42

Santa's sleigh around Gotham, where

17:45

we see all the victims of people who

17:47

she's stolen stuff from before. We

17:49

see... She's not a burglar in

17:51

that movie. What? She's

17:54

not a burglar in Batman Returns. That's

17:56

so weird. She's a wronged

17:58

woman. It's so weird. I think she's

18:00

actually stolen stuff in this Gotham that we're seeing right

18:02

now. So we're seeing, uh, so

18:05

we see a victim, uh, looking almost

18:07

like Joe Lepore, walking, walking, uh, he

18:09

wishes he had, he wishes

18:11

he had, um, uh, his, um, his

18:13

watchback. His watchback, uh... I'm gonna fucking

18:15

kill you. No, and she sees it. I

18:18

wish I had my watch back. My wife

18:20

just got me a beautiful golden chain to

18:23

attach to it, but... It's

18:25

gone. I

18:27

got her a gift card to Chili's. Yeah,

18:32

and, and, but the sleigh keeps moving, and we

18:34

see a character who almost looks a bit like

18:36

Christopher Hastings. Uh, we, he wishes he

18:38

had all the gold that he had had, and

18:40

his lockbox was still around, and we hear him,

18:42

mother... Oh,

18:46

I sure could use that gold. And

18:48

also I wish Catwoman hadn't stolen my

18:50

virginity. Catwoman,

18:56

how does it feel? It

19:00

feels like an awful lot of shit I had nothing

19:02

to do with. And

19:04

yet... Well, at least it won't be the last time

19:06

we hear about virginity tonight, so... Just

19:10

getting started, baby. Well, unfortunately,

19:12

you take two damage. Okay,

19:14

that's be fair. But

19:16

now it's your turn. Okay, cool. Um,

19:20

okay. Uh, Catwoman

19:23

unfurls her whip at

19:25

her side, cracking

19:27

it stylishly. And she

19:29

says, meow. And

19:31

she starts cracking it at Zina. Okay,

19:35

um, both of you roll a six-sided.

19:40

Four. One.

19:43

Okay, it works. Zina, will you please describe, um, the

19:45

little dance clip you try to do to try to

19:47

avoid it, but it actually gets near your feet? So,

19:50

as we know, Zina can, um, can,

19:53

like, bend her knees and jump backwards, slipping a

19:55

bunch of times in the air. Oh, yeah! But

19:58

as she goes to do that, and... jump

20:00

the first time the whip gets her

20:02

bottom foot and so then

20:04

she's just she's trapped on the ground in

20:07

pain trying to jump from foot to foot

20:10

because she can't she

20:12

cannot perform one of her signature moves all

20:15

right okay okay so she's

20:17

kind of prone she takes three damage

20:19

here holy moly since since she can't

20:21

perform her signature moves we're actually going

20:23

back to catwoman catwoman's your turn again

20:25

remember there's still ornaments in boxes around

20:27

a strange order mint yes

20:30

so as catwoman's whip

20:32

returns to her side it slings

20:34

an ornament into her hand which

20:36

she catches and places on the tree

20:39

great um uh is this an ornament that

20:42

you know what it is or is it a mystery ornament

20:44

it's a cat it's a cat

20:46

okay great so we know now now the

20:48

tree has two cats and no greetings from

20:50

any state in this glorious union ally

20:53

to attorney yeah so i'd like

20:55

to make an argument though that um

20:57

due to um witnessing and

21:00

being a part of such an

21:02

extraordinary feminist display of power that

21:05

uh catwoman's moves are are

21:07

making me more powerful as well okay

21:15

you've restored one point yeah yeah you've restored

21:17

one point that's pretty through so we're even

21:19

right oh no no you're still you're still

21:21

up uh you're still up by one i'm

21:24

in seven oh that's right that's right

21:27

but you don't have any

21:29

time to think about that because you

21:31

know twirls around

21:34

end of story okay

21:43

wait um i'm cutting way

21:45

forward okay okay

21:48

in what in the episode okay i

21:54

just want to i want to say for the

21:56

record i don't care how it aligns with the

21:58

episode You

22:00

say that now! Okay,

22:02

so, um... Zina

22:06

opens a box, but it's not an ornament box. It's actually

22:08

a box that she brought, and there's a donkey in it. And, um... Amazing.

22:14

Gabrielle's leading it out of the box, and

22:16

she gives it to none other

22:19

than Mary and Joseph. Um,

22:21

it's a donkey on the road giving it

22:24

as a solstice gift for

22:26

their glowing baby. I've

22:29

equipped Jesus. Okay, so... Okay.

22:34

So you've equipped Jesus? So Jesus is

22:36

in play. This is adult Jesus

22:38

or baby Jesus? This is tiny baby

22:41

Jesus. Super infant baby Jesus.

22:44

Okay, so, um, you know, because when you're decorating the Christmas

22:46

tree there's all these, like, presents around it just to taunt

22:48

you for what it's gonna be like when you open them

22:50

on Christmas Day. Outside, pops a little baby Jesus on a

22:52

little, like, rocky, on a little, like, rocky horse. Um,

22:56

but, uh, using his power of, um, divinity,

22:59

uh, the rocky horse charges up and

23:01

zoom, uh, knocking, um, knocking Catwoman up

23:04

and down off it. Boom, boom, boom.

23:07

So it's going back and forth across the screen as Catwoman

23:09

jumps up in the air and

23:11

keeps on getting hit by the, as if it

23:13

was like that, as if it was a laser,

23:15

um, uh, hit, hit, hit again. And

23:17

so, that takes four

23:19

damage. That takes four damage. Do I

23:22

get to roll? Um,

23:24

I forgot, so, no. It's

23:29

your turn. Yeah.

23:32

You really are the worst, okay? Carly, there's

23:34

no point, this game has no point. I

23:37

wanna win! Good

23:40

luck. You can easily.

23:43

Can you imagine the prize? Okay,

23:47

um, so that means that, that means that Catwoman

23:49

is going to use her attack. How

23:52

could you? I'm a woman! Uh,

23:55

Catwoman tries to guilt Jesus into not

23:58

attacking me on your next turn. Roll

24:01

a d6 and if you get a 3 or lower, you

24:03

lose your next turn. If you are a woman,

24:06

you can roll with advantage, but I'm asking Jesus

24:08

to roll for this one. Okay,

24:10

now be rolling for Jesus. You

24:12

want to get a 4 or higher. Okay,

24:15

I'm rolling for Jesus. I

24:17

got a 6. Okay. Of

24:19

course he did. Of course he did. He, he, he. Anyway.

24:26

Okay, so Jesus puts

24:28

on his hand and says no

24:30

and a laser shoots from it

24:33

knocking back your attack. Hell

24:35

yeah. So while Jesus is doing that,

24:39

I take out two ornaments and put

24:41

them on and it's a greeting from

24:43

South Dakota and a greeting from Iowa.

24:49

And then she initiates her move.

24:52

I didn't know you did gift

24:54

wrapping where her chakram, which is

24:56

that circle weapon that she has. A

24:59

big sharp ring. What? A big sharp

25:01

ring. Big sharp ring that she keeps on

25:03

her belt. She is

25:06

covered in ribbon and it acts

25:08

like a boomerang and she throws it at the tree

25:11

and the ribbon spiral around the tree and

25:13

then the chakram sits on top like a

25:15

star. That's cool. Um,

25:18

okay. You are now supercharged. You

25:20

are now supercharged because that, because you did something amazing to

25:22

the ornament tree, which remember part of the move is the deck

25:25

with the tree. So you are

25:27

now supercharged. What do you want

25:29

to do with your supercharged? By the way, go for it. What's

25:34

Hestia doing? You gotta know. I

25:36

gotta know. She's tending to the hearth. This is it. This

25:39

is it folks. Okay, here's what

25:41

I'm going to do with my

25:43

supercharged move. Okay. I'm

25:46

going to Hestia steps forward and

25:48

says to Catwoman. So,

25:51

do you want to go on that date or what? Well

25:55

wait, sorry. Like, table talk

25:57

real quick? Yeah. Is this going to lead into a

25:59

move? No, it's

26:01

that's the move. Yes. Okay.

26:03

Okay, cuz it's also a dating

26:06

show, right? Yeah, okay Well, you're

26:08

just gonna know but you're just gonna know each other

26:10

So if you don't it's not you don't have to

26:12

do anything cuz like the recoupling ceremony is gonna be

26:14

later So you're just getting to know another no pressure.

26:16

Okay, met to a couple here right here right now.

26:18

Okay Cat cat woman looks

26:20

over zina's head mistletoe

26:25

No If you eat it

26:29

What if you just stand on this She

26:34

like goes under her breath like You

26:37

know you were supposed to say a kiss can be even

26:39

deadlier if you mean it. Okay.

26:41

Oh That's really

26:43

good. Yeah, I know We

26:46

just will you cue me again? Yeah, you

26:48

know mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it You

26:53

know It's a

26:55

bit deadlier if you mean

26:57

it Catwoman

27:00

locks lips with the zina the

27:03

Trisity of this kiss

27:05

and also the taser. She's holding to

27:07

zina's hip Is

27:10

enough to send an electrical card through

27:12

both of them lighting up the string

27:15

of lights on the Christmas tree

27:18

You Are

27:25

both supercharged you both take one damage

27:27

to the electricity but

27:30

it doesn't matter because you're locked in lips you're

27:32

kissing and you're loving each other and Let

27:35

me take that back You're

27:39

connecting for the first time maybe with anyone

27:41

ever right zina This is maybe the first

27:43

meet ever connected with anyone ever right zina.

27:45

I have four love interests Very

27:47

interesting, but as you have

27:50

lit up everything and you two are locked together You

27:52

suddenly see in in the

27:54

when the presents a rumbling rumbling

27:57

now shoots a python

27:59

a Greek a monster, which is just a

28:01

python. And the python's head comes up like

28:03

a Tim Burton sandworm, grabs you two, and

28:06

puts you two on the very top of

28:08

the star, the very top of the Christmas

28:10

tree, as if you two are ornaments already

28:12

locked together. Now you're stuck in the tree.

28:18

Oh no! Is the python still

28:20

on the board? Yeah, the

28:22

python is now moving around, moving around the

28:24

tree like it's a

28:26

shark around a boat. Well,

28:30

guess what? While Catwoman

28:32

and Zena are incapacitated and

28:34

playing footsie presumably in the tree,

28:36

a golden shafted

28:38

arrow finds its way surely

28:41

through the cranium of

28:43

this python. Oh! Well?

28:48

It works, I know that it does. But

28:54

I'm speechless. Where'd Zena

28:56

come from? Out

28:58

steps a sandaled woman.

29:02

She looks great. And she

29:05

says, parrot-phrasing the

29:07

alien. Zeus has made me a

29:09

lion among women and given me

29:12

leave to kill any at my

29:14

pleasure. Yes, it's

29:16

Artemis, goddess of the hunt,

29:18

goddess of wilderness, goddess of

29:20

wild animals, of nature, vegetation,

29:23

childbirth, care of children, and

29:25

chiaosity. And

29:28

she has killed her first victim

29:30

of the night, a python. But what

29:32

next? What

29:34

other hunting, hunted, who else

29:37

will be hunted by this masterful

29:40

huntress of the moon? Yeah.

29:45

Much like the arrow that shot the

29:47

python out of the hearth, it comes

29:49

a spear, a gorgeous golden spear. And

29:52

it hits directly, though

29:54

non-fadily, on Artemis's chest,

29:57

plating. It's

29:59

stepping through. the fire and into

30:02

the room comes the god of war

30:04

and he says I am Aries!

30:07

And he kicks the

30:12

guy into a hole. I'm

30:16

just a guy in a hole. Well

30:19

I wasn't before but now I am and

30:21

I like that about myself. I'm a guy

30:23

in the hole. The horror was just a

30:25

guy with no power to do anything at

30:27

all in the world. I didn't have direction

30:29

or an identity but now I'm a guy

30:31

in a hole. Thank you Aries. Thanks Earth

30:34

for the land on the hole. And then Davo

30:36

shows up.

30:45

Aries and Artemis face each other.

30:47

Both children of Zeus. Both

30:50

unapologetically themselves. Both

30:53

into some version of the hunt

30:56

we can imagine though Aries hunts

30:58

and more. It is Artemis's

31:05

turn. Okay. Artemis

31:10

frazzled. She's disoriented

31:12

by the sudden

31:15

attack from her own kin. She

31:17

says you killed

31:19

my bear. So

31:22

Artemis thinks you killed her bear. She

31:24

sends a plague upon you. If you

31:26

are successfully infected you will lose an

31:29

additional HP point on each turn. You

31:31

have to roll a d6 to see if

31:33

it infects you. If you get three or

31:35

lower the plague will work. Okay

31:38

Ellie roll that dice. Is

31:41

this plague going to make

31:44

me look bad? Yeah. Okay

31:48

I'm going to roll with disadvantage because

31:50

Aries is known for humiliation in stories.

31:53

Is it a skink? Yes it's a

31:56

skink. Oh shoot I

31:58

got a six. Oh,

32:00

with three! I got a three! So

32:03

I didn't win. So I failed it.

32:05

Right? Oh, yeah, no, that is how

32:07

disadvantage works. Wow,

32:09

that's very big of you. So

32:11

now you take an extra hit point every

32:14

time you take any damage? No,

32:16

it's like every turn.

32:18

It's like a Pokémon being poisoned. It's like every

32:21

turn you get each of you taking off you. Okay,

32:23

so Aries, you have a hit

32:26

point taking off you. Because

32:29

apparently she thinks you killed Ursa

32:31

Major. Which is the exact

32:33

shape of the ornament she is going to

32:35

place on the tree. Yes, okay. And

32:37

for anyone listening at home, upon the tree we

32:40

have a cat, a cat, South

32:42

Dakota, welcome to Iowa, and Ursa

32:45

Major. Oh,

32:48

and two lovers stuck

32:50

in embrace. And a ribbon and

32:52

a shock room and lights.

32:56

And lights. Very true. But

32:58

now it's Aries' turn. Aries, furious

33:00

at having the plague put upon

33:02

him, turns to Artemis and

33:05

casts Mount of Aries,

33:08

the Aeropagus. It's

33:11

a natural rock outcrop in Athens,

33:13

some distance from the Acropolis,

33:16

that was supposedly where Aries was

33:18

tried and acquitted by the gods

33:20

for his revenge killing of Poseidon's

33:22

son, Hallerosia. Nice.

33:26

He throws a rock at her.

33:29

It's just huge. It's a really

33:31

big rock. It was

33:33

like a courthouse rock. Wow.

33:36

Okay, the rock flies through

33:38

the air, flies past Hestia,

33:40

who is tending to the

33:42

hearth, past the Christmas tree,

33:45

partially decorated, and towards Artemis.

33:47

Both of you roll a d6. Three.

33:53

Five. It

33:55

works. The rock smacks Artemis

33:57

right in the head. Four.

34:00

Three damage. Artemis is

34:03

holding her head wound with her hand. With

34:05

her other hand she casts her

34:07

other hand forward, beckoning

34:10

her pack of bitches to

34:12

attack Ares. That's

34:14

right, Artemis has a bunch of

34:16

hunting dogs. They're beautiful,

34:18

they're all ladies, and they're

34:20

running for Ares. Okay,

34:24

so dog after dog after

34:27

dog leaps at Ares is

34:29

exposed by... Does those sandals

34:31

do that? And

34:33

both of you roll a d6. Five.

34:42

One little point! The

34:45

dog... One dog bites Ares' arm.

34:47

One dog bites Ares' other arm.

34:49

One dog bites Ares' arm. I'll

34:52

say no more. To

34:55

take a full... Ooh, four

34:58

damage plus an extra one because

35:00

of the poison. So

35:04

you are now at five. You are now at five,

35:06

Ares. I have a four. What's

35:09

that? I think I'm at four. You think you're at

35:11

four? Because I was at nine and that's five. Oh,

35:14

you're right. Okay. Okay. Catwoman

35:17

and Zena are now holding hands. At

35:20

the entrance of a pack of bitches, both

35:23

Zena and Catwoman

35:26

regain strength and can

35:28

potentially get free? Free?

35:32

Okay, you both have to roll whether

35:34

the power of your mutual attraction is

35:37

more powerful than your

35:41

instigation into warfare. So

35:45

both of you roll a d6.

35:47

I'm going to say four

35:50

through six is you break three. One

35:53

through three is that you are staying

35:56

enraptured with each other. I

35:58

rolled a three and I'm not bad. I'm mad

36:00

about it. I rolled a 3-2 and I'm

36:02

honestly like okay with it. Yeah. Well

36:05

thank you two. I'm gonna call you two

36:07

the ornaments. Because you're the

36:09

ill ornaments together. Okay.

36:13

But there's some who are not. Some who

36:15

are still in a fight. And

36:17

it is now Aries' turn. Okay.

36:21

Um, cause I've... Yeah. Aries

36:25

is bleeding as his

36:27

like favored state. Just

36:30

gushing blood and his bloodlust is going

36:32

nuts. Um, and

36:34

he pulls out an apple from

36:37

his little, little spatula that he carries. His

36:40

apples are sacred

36:43

to Aries. And he eats

36:45

it to read the end point. Once

36:48

the apple is bitten, it

36:51

sees the ornaments around it and wants to be like one

36:53

of it. Cause that's what apples want to do. They

36:55

want to make friends. And it suddenly... To

36:58

join its friends on the tree, it becomes

37:00

a golden apple. A golden apple which any

37:03

powerful woman in the Greek mythos and beyond

37:05

wants to be given to them. Uh, and

37:07

so both Xena and Catwoman

37:09

break away from their embrace. Now all they

37:11

want is to be given that apple. So

37:18

the apple's on the tree. The

37:20

apple has a golden apple in Aries' hand. Seeing

37:23

her comrade in arms, Catwoman, distracted

37:25

by the golden apple and knowing

37:28

that this can throw her off

37:30

course, Artemis looses

37:32

another golden arrow

37:35

through the apple, pinning

37:37

it to Aries's throat.

37:40

Gah! As

37:42

the blood flows over the golden apple, it

37:45

calls upon all of the strange creatures of

37:47

the night. Those who want to eat blood

37:49

and those powerful female goddesses who want to

37:51

be given the golden apple for being the

37:53

most beautiful. All the sand

37:55

upon Aries' throat, tearing, wrenching like the

37:57

back eye that bucks for the sun.

38:00

themselves they tell

38:02

they tear Ares

38:04

apart limb from

38:07

limb leaving only

38:09

an adamantium skeleton.

38:11

Ares is no more

38:14

only Xena, Catwoman, and Artemis

38:16

remain on the floor. Allie

38:18

it's your turn. Covered

38:21

in blood Xena knows

38:23

what to do she launches forward on Catwoman

38:25

and just starts making out with her face.

38:29

Catwoman does this work? It

38:32

does. But Artemis the

38:34

goddess of chastity and an

38:36

avowed virgin can't fan the

38:38

heat she blushes so hard

38:40

that her head explodes and she is out

38:42

of the game. Okay

38:48

a skeleton on one side of the floor a headless

38:51

god on the other side of the floor both

38:53

like two columns around

38:56

the Greek temple both

38:58

flanked two gorgeous women

39:01

making out as

39:03

they fall into a Christmas tree. Who

39:05

cares if they're a little too spiky

39:07

they'll protect each other both win the

39:10

game. Now

39:16

that's a tie. My

39:20

god you say a dice rolling improv comedy or

39:22

audio production of a Smash Brothers style fighting game

39:24

with Christmas characters and Greek myth? What

39:27

else goes on inside the mind of the you

39:29

type smash creator Tim Platt? I must know more

39:31

of what it means to be such a game

39:33

master. Well join our patreon at patreon.com slash

39:36

rude tales of magic then you can sit from

39:38

Tim's black grail of mad genius as he runs

39:40

some of the wackiest one-page RPGs out there a

39:42

pack of scheming bears infiltrates in all of the

39:44

animals reunion to steal the bees latest creation and

39:47

a session of honey heist children fight to escape

39:49

a haunted house with really specific references to Bethesda

39:51

Maryland in what a terrible night and can some

39:53

frustrated roommates evict the moth man from the riverboat

39:55

with the help of the double jump fruit the

39:57

fruit that lets you double jump find out when

39:59

Everyone's odd, dang mock man won't move

40:02

out. He said it was just for the

40:04

weekend. All this and more great art and

40:06

entertainment added all the time to patreon.com/Root Tales

40:08

of Magic. That was

40:10

amazing. Great job, you two. Thank

40:13

you. Thank you. But

40:16

now we've got another fight to happen. Joe,

40:19

Chris, how are you feeling? Pretty

40:22

merry. Uh,

40:24

the stockings have been hung by the chimney with care,

40:27

my man. Boys,

40:29

well I wish I

40:31

could say that the sunny disposition was

40:33

gonna last, but in this fighting

40:35

round, things might get a little sticky, if you

40:37

know what I mean. Ew. But

40:41

first, let me set the stage. To

40:45

get a romantic view, you often must

40:47

climb something. In this case, it's stairs.

40:49

You walk up the winding

40:51

stone, barely talking because of the incline.

40:54

Finally, we should top to see, huh?

40:56

The top of this tower, upon which you are

40:59

hoping to see a beautiful view of the ocean,

41:01

is absolutely packed. With boxes?

41:04

Not just any boxes. Presents! And,

41:07

huh? There's a strange

41:09

figure in the corner, putting strange

41:11

contraptions in the presents. Is it the

41:13

guy from the Nutcracker? Santa himself?

41:16

Oh no, it's Daedalus! Now

41:19

you understand the horrific truth. Because of

41:22

the elf unionization you've been listening to

41:24

podcasts about, Santa had to hire a

41:26

new toy manufacturer, and there's no better

41:28

than the famous inventor, Daedalus. He

41:31

built the labyrinth one out of your toys, too.

41:33

But beware what you might find in those

41:35

boxes, or use them to your advantage. Who

41:37

do we see? Tim, you know, I

41:40

had something prepared, but when you

41:42

interviewed me earlier, you said something about two

41:44

wise men, and I was thinking, you know

41:46

what might be a little bit more interesting?

41:49

What? Three.

41:51

Three wise men in

41:53

gilded robes of high

41:55

station dismount their aromatic

41:57

camels. jabs

42:00

the air and falls into a guard

42:02

ready to strike. Casper whips

42:04

a swift roundhouse kick and gestures

42:06

a dare to come closer. Alpazar

42:09

does two back flips and

42:12

then spits. Uh,

42:16

uh, uh, uh, uh, three,

42:19

three, three, gu-gu-gu-gu-gu-gu-gu-gu-gu, good man.

42:22

Ha ha ha ha. And Joe,

42:25

who do we see opposite? Tim,

42:27

there's a beautiful red curtain in

42:29

one corner of this room. A

42:32

lush velvet curtain. And

42:35

a hand emerges from behind it. And

42:37

a voice from behind that curtain snickers.

42:40

Ha ha ha ha ha. And calls

42:43

out, you know what they

42:45

say, 10 heads is

42:47

better than three. And the curtain is

42:49

pulled back revealing the

42:51

rat king from the Nutcracker. Oh

42:54

my God! In all his regal glory. One,

42:59

two, three, fight!

43:01

Three is more than one. The wise men begin. 10

43:06

is more than three. The three wise

43:08

men surround the rat king and

43:11

taunt him. We

43:13

three kings, and yin yin yin

43:15

yin, think you

43:18

suck and yin yin

43:20

yin yin. Your ass

43:22

is stinky dick is

43:25

binking hallelujah, Christ is

43:27

born. And then

43:29

they deliver the kick of the

43:32

magi. Wow. Each

43:34

one of them kicks you. Okay.

43:37

Both of you wrote, uh, can you both roll dice? Three. I

43:40

got a five. Um,

43:43

unfortunately you have not calibrated the

43:45

song to the ears of the

43:47

rat who, Oh shit. Uh,

43:50

can you hear what you're saying, but does

43:52

not really discern the melody. Uh, it's just

43:54

too low, too low for them to really

43:56

get the depth of the gorgeous song you

43:58

sang. So there is no damage. Rat

44:00

King, it's your turn. Tim,

44:03

I do want to ask real quick. Last round

44:05

there was an element of trimming a tree. And

44:07

I know that there are presents in this room,

44:09

but do we also have a task we need

44:12

to accomplish? Your date task is to enjoy the

44:14

amazing view over the

44:16

Greek waters. Don't

44:18

mind if I do. Alright.

44:22

The Rat King, you know, has

44:24

to pull himself away from admiring

44:26

those waters. And he turns back

44:28

to the three kings and he says, You're

44:31

not the only one who can kick my friend! And

44:34

he is going to perform the grand

44:36

jeté. With

44:39

a grace and a poise, you

44:41

couldn't imagine from such a top-heavy

44:43

beast. He leaps into the air,

44:46

his rat legs extending gracefully, his

44:48

little rat feet sticking out in perfect

44:50

precision. And he's going to, in three

44:52

leaps, kick each one of the three

44:54

wise men in the face. I'm

44:57

really picturing this stuffed rat head

44:59

costume that's just like, flapping

45:02

over. And

45:05

as he does, and as he does, he's going to sing out,

45:08

I am going to beat your ass

45:10

and then I am going to win

45:12

this game. Please

45:16

roll a six and I die. That's

45:21

a six. I

45:23

also got a six. What's it do?

45:25

What's it mean? I

45:27

believe I had something planned for this before and now

45:29

I really don't. Roll again. Do

45:32

we have to go to the hideaway? Oh,

45:34

um, uh, wait a minute. Let me think

45:37

for a second. No.

45:43

Alright, we're going to roll again. Okay,

45:45

that time it's a two. And

45:47

the three wise men rolled a five. It does not work. You

45:50

kick over the three wise men, but they,

45:53

um, they've seen the, they've actually seen the

45:55

ballet before. So they know that the stage

45:57

comes. that

46:00

dance moves to sort of make it

46:03

look like they've been kicked without actually

46:05

being kicked. But, Daedalus, still making presents,

46:07

sees a man flying led

46:10

by his feet and he has an

46:12

idea. He starts making more and more

46:14

presents and out pops six presents all

46:16

around you all. Straight

46:19

from Daedalus's wicked imagination.

46:23

Pretty wise men? It's your turn. These

46:25

wise men have been around for

46:27

a lot of Christmases. And

46:29

Melchior knows exactly what's in the

46:32

box closest to him. Come here,

46:34

boys! Let's open this one up! And

46:36

he unwraps the present

46:38

and out pops a slot

46:41

machine. Whoa. Labeled, Gift

46:44

of the Magi. No,

46:50

no, no, no, no, no, hold on,

46:53

hold on, hold on. This is a

46:55

little unfair. You know rats are compelled

46:57

to gamble. Oh, I'm

47:01

sorry, Jo. I'm allowing him.

47:03

It's a common weakness that no

47:05

one should expect special treatment for.

47:08

Interesting, Jo. Yeah, and that's

47:11

something I just believe. Wow. We

47:13

should subtitle these like Tim tells on himself.

47:18

The wise men pull the handle

47:21

of the slot machine to determine their

47:23

random attack. The roulette

47:25

spins and spins. Images were

47:28

paths of gold, frankincense, mirror,

47:30

cherries, and bar. I

47:33

have to match three to attack. The

47:36

first wheel locks. Frank. The

47:40

second. N. And

47:43

the third. Stine? 300

47:46

pounds of Frankenstein's monster barrels out

47:48

of the slot machine pummeling into

47:50

you. He's got Christmas lights strung

47:52

up to his neck bolts. Ho,

47:54

ho, ho. I'll

47:57

allow it willingly. The

48:03

Frankenstein smacks into the Rat

48:05

King and gives him

48:07

two damage. Aye, aye,

48:09

aye, aye, aye. I keep the

48:11

reaction. Rat King, it's your turn. The

48:17

Rat King is going to

48:20

look Frankenstein in the eye.

48:22

Much like Frankenstein, the

48:24

Rat King is misunderstood by so many, you

48:26

know? Passing

48:30

through the Christmas streets,

48:33

so few understand us. We're

48:36

shunned for our monstrousness

48:38

and our humanity, our underlying humanity

48:40

is ignored. So the Rat King

48:43

stares into those human,

48:46

human underneath it all eyes.

48:49

He's going to try to connect

48:51

with Frankenstein and sway him to

48:53

his side. This is using the

48:56

Rat King's special ability, his

48:58

nobility. As a royal, the Rat King's refined

49:00

pedigree gives him a natural plus three charisma.

49:03

Okay, yeah, yeah. Okay, so it

49:05

works. It just fucking works. Frankenstein

49:09

is compelled by the Rat King.

49:12

Frankenstein is drawn into the Rat King's

49:14

gaze. And what do you choose to

49:16

do? First of all, what does Frankenstein say? I

49:22

am bad. Christmas

49:26

cheer, good. Chris,

49:30

tell me real quick, which one of the three wise

49:32

men carries Frankincense as his

49:34

gift? I

49:36

don't actually think that that's been

49:38

determined. And in fact, I

49:40

believe it's... You're right, it's Melchior. So

49:43

the Rat King is going to look

49:45

at Melchior holding a casket

49:47

of Frankincense. And he's

49:49

going to say, Melchior

49:51

wants to burn that

49:53

Frankincense, Frankenstein. What are you going

49:55

to do about it? No,

49:58

no, but... and franken

50:01

anything and

50:03

frankens would die in lumber so far to

50:06

uh to clobber melchior with uh

50:08

the fist stolen from

50:10

a man who died long ago

50:12

and just like the child who

50:15

this the melchior is about

50:17

to give a gift to there is um

50:20

this guy's also back from the zit um

50:23

it takes he takes four damage oh

50:26

that's a big juicy hit for the wise

50:29

men so frankens and knocks him in and

50:31

he and he tumbles back but

50:35

he tumbles back into one of the presents and

50:37

the present opens up to reveal a bb

50:40

gun with

50:43

wings hold

50:45

on kid that because that wasn't my attack though

50:47

that was just that was just uh you know

50:49

that was like a bonus action that's so true

50:51

i have to allow it it's your move but

50:54

he but melchior has a bb gun is there

50:56

a bb gun with uh with wings that are

50:58

um fused together by wax okay

51:02

um uh the rat

51:04

king stands up collecting himself from the

51:06

from the blow from frankenstein and then

51:09

he's going to raise his saber high

51:11

and then he is going to

51:14

get on point and use the

51:16

move sword stance it's a normal type

51:18

move and it raises the user's attack

51:20

by two stages and this

51:23

this move can be learned

51:25

by both ratata and ratikate so

51:28

naturally uh the rat

51:30

king also knows it he's obviously an evolution

51:32

of this he he his dance is

51:34

so powerful it creates like a mirror image of

51:36

the rat king he's hard to he's hard to

51:38

follow he's hard to catch and he's stronger than

51:41

ever and so and

51:43

who whom is he strike did he strike anyone

51:45

he strikes no one this is just like this

51:47

is like a charge up move gotcha okay so

51:49

he's charged up but now it is the three

51:51

wise men's melchior looks

51:53

to the to the bb gun

51:56

behind him grabs it and

51:58

has never seen a gun before before and

52:00

throws it at the Rat King. Oh,

52:04

the gun flies. Or

52:07

actually, tell me, how far from

52:09

the sun does the BB gun

52:11

fly? Is

52:13

it a normal distance or is it too close to the

52:16

sun? Oh gosh, boy. You

52:18

know, I kind of want to aim it

52:21

low because that's where the Rat King is,

52:23

but it might get too close to the

52:25

ocean spray, which would gum up the wings.

52:28

But if I went too high, it would be melted by

52:30

the sun. And that would cause it to come crashing down.

52:34

So no, I think I'm

52:36

going to risk it. We're going high. Okay, so

52:38

there's no other option. The

52:42

BB gun flies high, high,

52:44

high, and then proud of

52:46

BB guns. Too proud, too

52:48

proud by far. The

52:50

wings begin to melt and the

52:52

BB gun falls into the water,

52:54

falls into the water and splashes.

52:57

BB gun is no more. Is

53:00

there a constell- there's not a constellation. There's

53:03

no constellation. I've got BB gun constellations.

53:07

Balthazar glares at Melchior. You're

53:10

going to get your wise card revoked. Keep

53:12

pulling crap like that. We

53:15

zoom into the wise card. What's the wise card look like?

53:20

It's a picture of three

53:23

robed men in crowns crossing

53:26

the desert on

53:28

camels. And it says,

53:31

wise men gifts. Gold

53:33

or something that smells nice. And

53:36

then it has a phone number. For

53:39

where you can contact them. This I

53:42

like. But it's not- it doesn't matter what

53:44

I like because it's not even my turn.

53:46

It's the Rat King's turn. And he's all

53:48

charged up. Joe, what did you do? The

53:51

Rat King, in this moment of magi discord,

53:53

chooses to strike. He uses on

53:56

guard and he leaps at

53:58

the wise men with his saber. Slashing.

54:02

Oh wait, both of you roll a six and I die.

54:04

Um, but Joel gets advantage because he's charged up. Of

54:07

course. I

54:10

rolled a- I rolled a six. I rolled a six and a

54:12

four. I got a three. Okay, it

54:14

works. I got three. You take three

54:17

damage. Oh my goodness. Oh

54:20

no. Tim, that

54:24

obliterates two of

54:26

my three wise men. Whoa! Um,

54:29

yeah. Melchior and Balthazar

54:31

are down. No. Caspar,

54:33

cowars in his beautiful

54:36

robes. He's the

54:39

only one left. Can

54:41

I just say a quick parenthesis? When he first said Caspar,

54:43

I thought, are you going to make- Oh,

54:46

you can make the three wise men

54:48

Caspar stinky. And- What

54:51

was his name? Tubbo or something like that? Yeah,

54:54

sure. Close parenthesis.

54:56

It's your move. And

55:00

remember, there's five other presidents that just came out of

55:02

Daedalus's strange hands. Oh

55:06

gosh. It's so tempting, Tim. It's so

55:08

tempting, but Caspar's-

55:10

it's getting real close for him. I

55:12

think it's time to perform his ultimate

55:14

attack. Revenge of

55:16

the Magi. Nice. Now,

55:19

what? Here's something. There's-

55:22

What? One, two, three Magi? Or

55:25

at least there was. Magi, Magi, Magi. And that

55:27

makes you think. Makes you wonder. Hold

55:30

on. There are Magi

55:32

in the Bible, mages

55:34

in the Bible. Oh my God.

55:37

Yes. You see, these aren't

55:39

just wise men and kings

55:41

from afar. They are powerful

55:44

wizards. Whoa! Caspar casts lightning

55:46

bolt, which does 86 damage. Okay.

55:51

Um, it works. Let's see how

55:53

much- No! That's so much

55:55

damage. Four,

55:58

seven. 13,

56:02

14,

56:04

20,

56:07

25,

56:09

30,

56:11

36.

56:14

So the lightning bolt crackles

56:17

from his hands and starts fizzing up

56:19

and down, up and down, and it

56:22

shoots through the air. But

56:24

you made a fatal mistake. You forgot that you made

56:26

a Frankenstein who fell in love with the Rat King.

56:29

Who jumped in front of the lightning

56:32

bolt and was obliterated. There is now

56:34

no more Frankenstein on board. Is

56:36

the Rat King's move. But some of that

56:39

electricity did get in and cost the Rat

56:41

King four damage. Okay. Because

56:44

the lightning bolts do pass in a straight line through

56:46

their opponents. Yes. So thank you

56:48

for respecting that. Yes,

56:50

but somebody… And acting in

56:52

the spirit of the holiday. Yeah, yeah. Seven-fifteen minutes. Thank

56:54

you. That's why it's so nice to meet you. Thank

56:58

you. The Rat

57:00

King stands with a new

57:02

fury, a new anger in

57:04

his eyes. His

57:07

new connection with the Frankenstein snuffed

57:09

out so quickly. He looks

57:11

at the remaining wise man and he says, We

57:14

were cracking on! And

57:17

she is going to use his super move.

57:20

Infestation. Ew! He

57:25

raises his hand and from

57:27

all corners a massive

57:29

army of rat soldiers arrive

57:31

to swarm and destroy his

57:34

enemies with military precision. They

57:36

dance. They strike. They

57:38

bite. Wait. So you're

57:40

saying that these rats are crawling up the tower? Not…

57:45

well, yeah, but they're man-sized rats

57:47

with… Valley shoes. With

57:49

dancer's legs. Daedalus looks down. He looks

57:52

at his presence. If he doesn't get these peasants out, he's

57:54

going to lose the contract from Santa. He looks around and

57:56

what am I going to do with all these rats? What am

57:58

I going to do with all these rats? What am I going to… Hey,

58:00

Dad. Icarus, not now. Looks like you

58:02

need someone to swoop down there and

58:05

get those rats, don't ya? Icarus, no,

58:07

no, no. I saw you put some

58:09

wings on the baby gun. Why not

58:11

give me wings too? Icarus! Come on,

58:13

Dad. You need me to. Fine. Take

58:15

these wings and swoop down there to

58:17

stop those rats. But do not, but

58:19

do not fly too close to the

58:21

sun, although what's to hold the feathers

58:23

together might melt them. I

58:25

promise, Dad. I'll never do that. I'll just take

58:27

the rats. When he said take

58:30

these wings, did he- were they broken

58:32

wings? Uh-uh. No. No. No. Okay. Okay.

58:34

No. So Icarus

58:36

has entered the board. He

58:39

puts on wings and swoops down and

58:41

starts attacking rats here and there, here

58:43

and there, but still a few crawl

58:45

their way up who then

58:47

leap at this final wise man. Can both

58:50

of you roll a d6? Actually, no, but

58:52

it's a super move so it works, so

58:54

I'm just gonna do it again. Two.

58:59

Oh. Oh, Casper.

59:02

Uh. Casper nearly vomits in

59:04

revulsion as they wrap scratch

59:07

at his noble skin

59:09

and fingernail. He's

59:12

down to one hit point. And it's his turn. What

59:15

are you gonna do? Casper-

59:18

Casper desperately unwraps

59:21

the closest Christmas present to him. Oh

59:25

my god. It's a

59:27

nutcracker with wings. Whoo!

59:31

No. No. How could it? It's- No, damn!

59:34

It's actually number one on my list. It's actually-

59:37

I've read it before. I had no idea

59:39

it's number one on the list. I didn't know. I

59:41

didn't make it up. Fine. Fine. No, fine. Great.

59:45

Casper chokes through

59:47

blood bubbling up through his

59:49

teeth. Dance,

59:51

nutcracker. Dance. And he

59:54

thrusts it at the Rat King. Where

59:56

does it fly in terms of its

59:58

relation to the surface? on. Too

1:00:01

close? Far away? Or just right?

1:00:05

She's wisely. Yeah, cause far

1:00:07

away and in

1:00:10

the middle, I don't know if they have different consequences

1:00:13

there. I gotta say for me, thank God

1:00:15

the sun is out and it's not like

1:00:17

the stroke of midnight cause otherwise, cause you

1:00:19

know, the nightcracker might come to life. The

1:00:21

sun is out. The sun's out. Yeah. And

1:00:25

yes, the Rat King's guns are out.

1:00:27

Yeah. Wow. Tim, I'm happy to

1:00:29

say that the least

1:00:32

wise of the wise men has perished.

1:00:35

Casper throws it clean

1:00:37

down the middle. The

1:00:41

nightcracker soars through the

1:00:44

air. Not too close to

1:00:46

the sun at all. And its

1:00:48

mouth open. It chomps right on

1:00:50

the Rat King's horrid nose to

1:00:53

give him three damage.

1:00:59

The ball's unscathed. Now

1:01:01

you both are at nine, I believe. I believe you are both

1:01:03

at, you both have one hit point left. That's

1:01:05

right. I know I do. Yeah. You

1:01:08

all look around. Icarus is still

1:01:10

flying around, but he's not too

1:01:12

far. He's not, he's not getting too close to the

1:01:14

sun. He's still swiping away different rats. Joe, it's your

1:01:16

turn. Um,

1:01:18

faced with no choice left, the Rat

1:01:21

King turns and opens one of the

1:01:23

presents. Oh

1:01:25

my God. It's a

1:01:27

comb you've sold your hair for, with

1:01:29

wings? Um,

1:01:35

that's fine. The Rat King says I can

1:01:37

work with this. It's okay. And the Rat

1:01:39

King is going to hold the comb out

1:01:41

and with, with the extreme

1:01:44

precision, the, the body control,

1:01:47

the poise that the Rat

1:01:49

King possesses is going to

1:01:51

fling the comb at the

1:01:53

Y, at Casper, uh,

1:01:55

like, uh, like a, like a throwing star.

1:01:58

Ooh. Okay. And just. And I

1:02:01

think I would go as far as to say

1:02:03

that like ancient or like even

1:02:05

biblical era Wise

1:02:08

man your kings They

1:02:10

they love combs because it

1:02:12

makes their hair so clean It's

1:02:14

very important. So I'm gonna make

1:02:17

hair clean. Yeah, so I'm gonna say this is a

1:02:19

really good move Well, both of you

1:02:21

roll a six-eyed dog interesting that your pro comb this

1:02:23

time around I've

1:02:25

always been pro comb just the scenario with

1:02:27

the coma comes into play. That's where I've

1:02:29

got some questions The

1:02:32

year-long beef. I got a five. Oh I

1:02:35

got a four The

1:02:38

comb Hooks into your

1:02:41

knotted hair and the momentum

1:02:43

because it's also flying it holds you

1:02:46

off Pushes

1:02:48

you back back back into you

1:02:53

I Never

1:02:58

got to meet Jesus Crash

1:03:08

he falls into the water Drowned

1:03:12

forever. It can seize the whole thing

1:03:14

happened and goes Let's

1:03:17

see that guy's problem was he flew too close

1:03:19

to the wander. I won't be dumb enough

1:03:21

to make that mistake He begins to fly

1:03:23

higher The

1:03:26

tension is ratcheting up But

1:03:29

we'll come away from that now but Tim Before

1:03:33

we move on the rat king is battered

1:03:36

and beaten and At

1:03:39

his at his lowest point he's barely clean

1:03:41

to light. He's only got one hit point left He's

1:03:43

in no condition to continue the fight and plus He

1:03:46

still has to Learn to

1:03:48

love again now that Frank is gone. Mm-hmm He

1:03:53

calls in for an assist and swap out

1:03:55

with his tag team partner. That's

1:03:57

really smart You really have one hit point left. So you're gonna need

1:03:59

someone. Yeah You need to, I want

1:04:01

to start fresh. I want to come in fresh. So

1:04:03

yeah, so you hear a crash

1:04:06

of thunder, a bolt of lightning

1:04:08

streaks down from the sky, and

1:04:10

then standing before you in his

1:04:12

toe good glory is, yes, Zeus,

1:04:14

the king of the gods. He

1:04:19

looks around the battlefield smiling

1:04:22

with a proud smile

1:04:24

and with a big

1:04:26

godly laugh, uh,

1:04:29

quotes one of his favorites, Aristophanes,

1:04:31

and says, open

1:04:34

your mouth and shut your eyes and

1:04:36

see what Zeus will send you. Zeus,

1:04:41

the king of the Olympians, the power of

1:04:43

the sky and the lightning bolts, a lascivious

1:04:46

man indeed too, if you also follow many

1:04:48

of his stories, he has entered the board.

1:04:50

But Chris, who do you got? All

1:04:54

right, I've got another character ready to go as

1:04:56

well. The

1:04:59

land quakes with the approaching

1:05:01

footsteps of a titan. Behold,

1:05:05

the youngest son of Uranus, the

1:05:07

sky and Gaia, the earth, earth

1:05:10

first king, the ruler of the

1:05:12

golden age. It's the sickle swinging

1:05:14

daddy of the gods, Cronus.

1:05:19

I have come here to

1:05:21

castrate my father and devour

1:05:23

my sons, and I'm

1:05:25

all out of father. Okay,

1:05:32

and you know what? The titan

1:05:34

takes prominence. He came first. What

1:05:43

else could I do but cast

1:05:45

devour children? Cronus,

1:05:48

Cronus grabs Zeus and

1:05:50

tries to start eating

1:05:52

him. You're going to

1:05:54

go down this time, boy. Okay,

1:05:59

do you have a I would roll for this, but Joe,

1:06:01

I want to give you a chance to deflect. Tim,

1:06:06

I do not take that chance. In fact,

1:06:08

I let it happen. Right? That's

1:06:12

right. Okay, so you... Zeus,

1:06:14

Zeus puts up no fight.

1:06:17

Zeus stands proudly and

1:06:19

placidly as his father lives to do his

1:06:21

job. No! I'm

1:06:27

gonna do it! I mean it! Go

1:06:32

right ahead. It's

1:06:37

alright, and he does it. He pops him right

1:06:39

down his gullet. I allow it. Wow.

1:06:45

Tim, okay, now I'd like to take my

1:06:47

turn. Okay, go for it. But I mean,

1:06:50

you're practically dead, right? I mean, you just got eaten by

1:06:52

a titan. But

1:06:55

right now I am going to use

1:06:57

one of the items in

1:06:59

Zeus's inventory.

1:07:01

Right. The thing I told

1:07:03

everyone to do. Yes. Were

1:07:07

we supposed to have items? No. And

1:07:09

he's going to use make

1:07:11

daddy puke. Once

1:07:18

he had grown up Zeus used an emetic

1:07:20

or a vomit

1:07:23

aid like Ithaca, given to

1:07:26

him by Gaia to force Chronos to disgorge

1:07:28

the contents of his stomach in reverse order.

1:07:31

First, close Zeus in this case. Then the

1:07:33

stone that impersonated Zeus, which

1:07:35

was set down at Pytho under the glens

1:07:37

of Mount Parnassus to be assigned to mortal

1:07:39

men. And then his two sisters and... And

1:07:42

then his two brothers and

1:07:45

three sisters. Demeter, Hestia, Hera,

1:07:47

Hades and Poseidon. And

1:07:49

so they all come out? Yes. Okay.

1:07:51

Well, so here's my safe. Because you got

1:07:53

swallowed and that fucking sucks, you take two

1:07:55

damage. Fine, but

1:07:58

actually no ten. That's wrong.

1:08:01

Okay. Go off. Zeus

1:08:03

takes one damage. Okay.

1:08:07

His special ability is the quote from

1:08:09

Sophocles, the dice of Zeus always fall

1:08:11

luckily. So

1:08:13

in every turn, the best possible dice

1:08:16

roll must be received for Zeus. So

1:08:18

he can only take one damage. Okay.

1:08:21

I'm sorry, that's true. But to be fair, I'm going to give you

1:08:23

one damage. Yeah.

1:08:28

That's the role. That's the role.

1:08:30

You roll. Yeah, you roll the

1:08:33

one, of course. No,

1:08:35

you also take one damage for throwing up.

1:08:37

And you threw up the meter. You

1:08:40

threw up the rest of them. Yeah.

1:08:43

Chronos barfs up God after

1:08:45

God after God after God.

1:08:48

After God. It

1:08:52

looks bad. It looks bad.

1:08:56

How many people are coming out in a wave

1:08:58

of vomit? It looks bad. It feels

1:09:00

bad. It smells bad. It

1:09:02

looks bad. They all

1:09:04

roll out and they all turn to you. And

1:09:07

it looks like they're about to fight. They're so

1:09:09

mad. But then they look next to them.

1:09:12

You got us presents, dad? Really?

1:09:16

Oh, thank you. So you swallowed us just

1:09:18

to have a surprise later. You swallowed us

1:09:20

to bring us where the presents are. Thank

1:09:22

you, dad. We love you. And they dive

1:09:25

into the presents. Tim, there

1:09:27

are only a few presents left. Yeah,

1:09:30

but the Lord... And these are five gods.

1:09:32

This is Poseidon, the Lord of

1:09:34

the Seas. Hades, the King of the

1:09:36

Underworld. And they all go for

1:09:38

the same gifts. And what do they find? They

1:09:41

find a stocking with wings. They

1:09:44

find... They find a pair of shoes... There was

1:09:46

a stocking in a box? Yes. They

1:09:48

find a pair of shoes for

1:09:51

your mama with wings. And

1:09:53

they find Medusa's head with wings.

1:09:57

Ooh. Hey, guys. Look

1:09:59

what I found. Hey guys,

1:10:01

look what I found. Hey guys, look what

1:10:04

I found. Hades

1:10:06

turns to stone. Hey guys, look what I

1:10:08

found. Hera turns to stone.

1:10:11

Hey guys, look what I

1:10:13

found. Demeter turns to stone.

1:10:17

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hestia looks.

1:10:20

Hestia looks at the stones and goes, I'll

1:10:22

get back to the hearth. Tim,

1:10:25

Poseidon has been turned to stone. What

1:10:29

happens to the beautiful Greek waters below? The

1:10:33

beautiful Greek waters? Simple. They

1:10:35

turned to stone too. They also turned

1:10:37

to stone. And Icarus,

1:10:39

seeing that, goes, Oh my god, I'm glad

1:10:41

I'm not flying too close to the stone.

1:10:44

I would hit it and then crack my

1:10:46

skull. I'm gonna fly even higher. And even

1:10:48

higher he goes. Whose turn is

1:10:50

it? I don't remember. Mine. Okay,

1:10:53

go. Zeus sad about

1:10:55

his dumb siblings. He

1:10:58

really thought they were gonna help him like they did

1:11:00

historically. Unsheathed his

1:11:03

thunderbolts. Forged

1:11:05

by the cyclops specifically to destroy

1:11:08

Cronos. And he's going to hurl

1:11:10

them at his father. Calling

1:11:12

out, You're a bad dad.

1:11:17

Okay, both of you roll a six-eyed die. I

1:11:19

rolled a six. I rolled a

1:11:21

three. Okay, it works.

1:11:24

Cronos, you take four

1:11:26

damage. Oh! But

1:11:30

now it's your turn, Cronos. Cronos stumbles

1:11:32

and from within his cloak, pulls

1:11:34

out a sand dial.

1:11:37

Cronos' hair turns gray and

1:11:39

grows rapidly. As you

1:11:42

gaze into the falling sands of

1:11:44

the clock, you are reminded of

1:11:46

the relentless passage of time that

1:11:48

will drive all mortals to their inevitable

1:11:50

final day. Age before Cronos.

1:11:53

Behold, Father Time!

1:11:57

Yeah, so that makes you like age

1:11:59

rapidly. and makes you weak.

1:12:03

Tim, but I'm not mortal. A

1:12:08

record scratch sounds and Kuro says, wait,

1:12:12

what? Well, and then he just,

1:12:14

he sees he's still holding a sickle and he says, well then,

1:12:16

I'm gonna cut your

1:12:18

genitals off with this. That's

1:12:24

another move. It worked on your grandfather. It's gonna

1:12:26

work on you too. Come here. And

1:12:29

he starts swinging. Come here. Come

1:12:31

here. Okay. So what

1:12:34

happened is the power of time

1:12:36

that you employ, you

1:12:38

see that Zeus, who had been clean shaven

1:12:40

before, it seems like his

1:12:43

face ages. He suddenly goes a long

1:12:45

white beard, but his body stays incredibly

1:12:47

ripped. So all

1:12:49

that happens is a big beard, but then you start swinging that

1:12:51

sickle at him. Zeus, what do you do?

1:12:55

Zeus dodges. His genitals are his

1:12:57

most important part. Both of you

1:12:59

roll the six-eyed eye. I

1:13:02

got a six. I rolled a

1:13:04

two. Okay, so you move

1:13:07

back just in time for him to

1:13:09

shave that big beard off of you.

1:13:11

You're clean shaven again. Classic Zeus. It's

1:13:13

your move. There's a, there's a, ding.

1:13:15

He's freshly has a beautifully shaven face.

1:13:17

Says, how

1:13:20

dare you restrict my ability to

1:13:22

one day father many more gods

1:13:24

and demigods and other people. Zeus

1:13:28

beast mode. And Zeus is

1:13:30

going to transform into a

1:13:33

stunningly beautiful and sexy swan.

1:13:37

Chronos hugs at his collar and steam erupts from within. Things

1:13:44

are getting on here. Zeus is

1:13:46

going to soar into the sky, although

1:13:48

not that high. Thank you. And

1:13:52

from above, he's going to rain down on

1:13:54

his, will you say not that high again,

1:13:56

please? Yeah, not that

1:13:58

high. I don't care. I just care how close

1:14:00

it is to the sun. Not

1:14:03

that close. No, thanks. And

1:14:07

from above, the swan Zeus

1:14:09

is going to rain Greek

1:14:11

fire down upon his father

1:14:13

in an

1:14:16

aerial bombardment. Wait, no, but you

1:14:18

got to justify the fire. Well,

1:14:21

it was employed by the Greeks. It was

1:14:24

an ancient incendiary weapon developed by the Greeks

1:14:26

and lost the time. Only the ancient Greeks

1:14:28

knew how to make it. Okay,

1:14:34

and fire, of course, was stolen from the gods.

1:14:38

Okay, but now the humans have

1:14:40

fire too. Yeah,

1:14:43

but it's still good. Okay,

1:14:45

fine. I'll allow it. Why not? I'm

1:14:48

going to try that next time. It's still good. Okay,

1:14:53

Chronos. So it's basically

1:14:55

napalm. And Chronos, you take one damage. Also,

1:15:03

I would say because this is such

1:15:06

a powerful incendiary, Tim, if there's anything

1:15:08

made of wax below, it would

1:15:11

probably melt. Okay,

1:15:13

so every

1:15:16

gift that Dylus has made has

1:15:18

wings of wax on it, and

1:15:20

the fire melts all of the

1:15:23

wax. And it's like an ocean

1:15:25

of wax pours out of these

1:15:27

boxes that then

1:15:30

puddle around your feet, locking yourself in

1:15:32

place. Chronos.

1:15:38

As the wax melts all around

1:15:41

him, getting stickier and stickier, Chronos

1:15:43

wields his time powers, but in

1:15:45

the other direction, quickly

1:15:49

fashioning all of that wax

1:15:51

into massive titanic-sized wings that

1:15:53

he straps onto his arms,

1:15:55

and then quickly cooling them

1:15:57

with a flame. with a

1:15:59

flurry of flaps. He takes

1:16:02

the sky to chase after

1:16:04

his gorgeous goose son. Or

1:16:06

is that a swan? Hahaha!

1:16:09

Sorry, they all look the same to

1:16:11

Chronos, and they all look good. Good

1:16:13

enough to eat, that is. Chronos

1:16:15

opens wide. It works.

1:16:18

Hahaha! A swan. He's just

1:16:20

gonna keep trying to eat him. Hahaha!

1:16:22

He falls into the

1:16:25

mouth of the wicked man. There's nothing that he

1:16:27

can do to stop him, right? That's

1:16:30

right Tim. No Tim's right. I'm

1:16:33

afraid the god Helios might disagree

1:16:35

because Chronos didn't mention how close

1:16:37

he was flying to the sun. Which

1:16:39

can only mean that he's flying pretty

1:16:42

dang close. It

1:16:44

works. You're working. No! I

1:16:47

didn't mention it because Chronos, uh, like

1:16:50

really, he's so smart. He wouldn't even. It's not

1:16:53

even an issue. Tim already said it works. He

1:16:55

might as well say like, because Chronos didn't mention

1:16:57

that he didn't trip on a gun on the

1:16:59

way up, he didn't fire it. Like, it's obvious

1:17:01

that he didn't fly into the sun. That's a

1:17:04

really good point. I remember that in the future,

1:17:06

but we are not in the future.

1:17:08

Ah! Now, I've lost the charisma battle.

1:17:11

Chronos, uh, full

1:17:13

of child. Um, his

1:17:15

wings begin to melt. As

1:17:18

he falls, Plummox, Plummox towards

1:17:20

the rocky ground. Oh

1:17:23

no. And as he

1:17:25

pl- and as he plummets, he- you start

1:17:27

to see, um, Chronos's,

1:17:29

uh, titanic belly,

1:17:32

uh, getting bloated and sort of misshapen and

1:17:34

sort of like, there are like, pointy

1:17:37

things coming out from inside it. And then

1:17:39

one of them rips through it. It's a

1:17:41

thunderbolt! Ah! I

1:17:45

keep getting these tummy aches after

1:17:47

eating these children! Chris,

1:17:49

I'm sorry. Why?

1:17:52

This is the death. Please.

1:17:55

No! Just grab the death. Chronos

1:18:00

splats on the concrete ocean.

1:18:07

His blood explodes so

1:18:09

hard out of his big

1:18:12

fucking body that

1:18:14

it shoots into

1:18:16

the sky across the

1:18:18

entire world. And

1:18:21

that was the invention of rain. You

1:18:25

made water come out of my nose. The

1:18:31

winner is Zeus. Do

1:18:35

you want to celebrate Zeus? Yeah, he castrates

1:18:37

his dead father. Way

1:18:40

up in the sky Icarus goes, geez, I'm glad

1:18:43

I didn't have that relationship with my father. What

1:18:46

did he say again? He

1:18:48

hits the sun and

1:18:51

becomes the sun. Icarus

1:18:53

is the sun now. End of

1:18:56

match. I've

1:19:00

heard of Icarus A sun but Icarus the

1:19:02

sun? Exactly. Oh

1:19:05

my god. For

1:19:08

the recoupling ceremony.

1:19:10

Should we go to the fire pit? Yeah, let's go

1:19:12

to the fire pit. Zeus

1:19:17

standing proudly over his dead father

1:19:19

is distracted when his phone pings.

1:19:24

He pulls it out and looks at it

1:19:26

and then calls out to an enveloping voice

1:19:28

that is heard all across the islands of

1:19:30

Greece. I got

1:19:32

a text. Oh

1:19:35

my gosh, do you got a text? Yes,

1:19:37

yes. It is

1:19:39

now time for the recoupling ceremony. Please

1:19:42

join all the characters by

1:19:44

the fire pit. Hashtag now

1:19:47

or never. Hashtag Christmas

1:19:50

surprise. Zena

1:19:54

takes Catwoman's hand sort of

1:19:56

nervously and they walk over to the fire

1:19:59

together. like okay it's gonna be

1:20:01

fine. Catwoman is not nervous. Okay

1:20:04

yeah actually Zena isn't either. Not

1:20:07

at all. Never has been. In

1:20:11

a semi-circle around the fire pit, by the way

1:20:13

the fire pit is tended to by Hestia, we

1:20:17

have all of the competitors of Yuletide

1:20:19

combat family of this round and if

1:20:21

you look up you will realize that

1:20:23

this entire fire pit, this entire ceremony

1:20:25

is taking place in

1:20:27

the Roman Colosseum after Constantine has

1:20:29

already converted and for new nitpickers

1:20:32

out there I can think of

1:20:34

no better fusion of Greek mythology

1:20:36

in the modern Christmas season than

1:20:38

Imperial era Rome celebrating anything. Standing

1:20:41

on the other side of the

1:20:45

semi-circle are the winners. We have

1:20:47

Zeus and then we also have

1:20:50

Catwoman. Catwoman and Zena, they

1:20:52

are the winners. In the opposite

1:20:54

semi-circle they have all the competitors of Yuletide

1:20:56

combat family who have not won. So we

1:20:58

have Kronos, three wise men. We

1:21:01

also have Arachne mid

1:21:03

transformation. We have Orpheus

1:21:05

who just got out of a big thing

1:21:07

and he's not really ready to talk about

1:21:10

it. The sugarplum fairy who really thought the

1:21:12

Nutcracker was gonna be here. The Grinch who

1:21:14

didn't come to make friends. Queen Yacosta who

1:21:16

really thought her son was gonna be here

1:21:19

and of course Jesus Christ. Are

1:21:24

Aries and Artemis

1:21:30

is there as well? Yes they are also

1:21:32

there. So Zeus you may make the first

1:21:34

selection. How does this work? Sorry I

1:21:37

don't know this show. How does this work? I'm

1:21:39

about to show you how it works. Okay. Zeus

1:21:42

looks a little more flustered than usual

1:21:44

like he's kind of unsure.

1:21:46

He sort of looks across the whole span

1:21:49

of people and

1:21:51

then he says I would

1:21:54

like to couple up with this person because

1:21:57

they are they

1:22:00

have what could be

1:22:02

a really strong connection with me.

1:22:05

I really enjoy having them around the villa.

1:22:12

I really enjoy getting to know them and want to get to

1:22:14

know them more. They're not

1:22:16

my usual type, but I'm interested

1:22:18

in exploring that with them. So

1:22:22

the person I would like to couple up

1:22:24

with is the

1:22:30

sugar plum fairy. She

1:22:34

gets up. She's like a little

1:22:36

confused. She was not expecting this. They had a conversation

1:22:38

with She-Sor said she was just in the beam of

1:22:40

friends. So she walks over next to you and turns

1:22:43

to class. She goes, thank you. Next

1:22:46

we have Zina. So

1:22:49

I would love to couple up with this person because

1:22:54

she is badass and cool

1:22:56

and always down

1:23:02

for a fight or a snog. She

1:23:05

ticks all my boxes. I

1:23:09

just think this could be the

1:23:11

start of something really real and

1:23:13

I'm excited to meet her family.

1:23:20

I pick Catwoman. I

1:23:22

like to stay with Catwoman. Catwoman

1:23:25

who's staying right next to you. What do you do? Give

1:23:29

her a big ol' snog on the lips.

1:23:32

Oh boy. Well since Catwoman

1:23:34

also had the opportunity to pick and now is taken,

1:23:37

Cronus is invited to get up and

1:23:40

then do his recoupling. Wow.

1:23:47

So good to be alive again.

1:23:50

Though I know it only means that

1:23:52

I am again cursed

1:23:54

to walk the earth

1:23:56

alone, aging so

1:23:58

slowly. reminding all

1:24:01

of the ravages of time. Family's

1:24:09

really important to me. LAUGHTER

1:24:14

Even though I didn't have the

1:24:16

greatest relationship with my father, I

1:24:19

think I could learn to do better.

1:24:22

And, you know, so

1:24:24

I think the person I'd like

1:24:27

to get to know

1:24:29

better is someone else whose father

1:24:32

condemned him to death. Jesus...

1:24:37

LAUGHTER Jesus

1:24:41

walks up and goes next to you, and you can hit

1:24:43

me. I just have to tell you, you can hit me.

1:24:46

And he grabs your hand raised, and... Zeno

1:24:49

shares a look with Jesus, like, nice,

1:24:52

you know, because they're friends. Yeah, and he's like, I remember you

1:24:54

from when I was your child. Yeah.

1:24:57

And then next to all of you is Narcissus.

1:25:01

Narcissus says, Well,

1:25:03

I know who I'm going to pick. I pick me.

1:25:07

Silence. Suddenly we see

1:25:09

in the crowd of the Coliseum, we hear

1:25:11

someone raise from their chair. It's

1:25:15

Emperor Constantine who

1:25:17

turns his thumb down. Narcissus

1:25:19

cannot pick himself. He must

1:25:21

pick someone, anyone else besides

1:25:24

him. Narcissus

1:25:26

is so sad. He

1:25:29

looks around and rushes to the pool, which

1:25:31

is also by the villa, and also everyone

1:25:33

knows that Roman Amphitheater can make a little

1:25:35

pool. And he looks into

1:25:38

his reflection and goes, I can't recouple,

1:25:40

wait, I have to recouple, but

1:25:42

I can't pick you, and you're my only love. Oh,

1:25:44

I wish you could walk with me away from this

1:25:47

spot with which you are stuck. More Narcissus. No,

1:25:50

no, come back. My tears, they're causing

1:25:52

ripples which distort your perfect image. Wait,

1:25:55

those aren't just tears. It's

1:25:57

snow. No. We all look up, and you

1:25:59

see the sun. the sky crowded with descending

1:26:01

flakes flirting like a holiday movie.

1:26:04

The snow floods over the water,

1:26:06

the frozen water covering up Narcissus'

1:26:08

reflection. No! Come back! Come

1:26:11

back! He screams as the white flurries blanket over

1:26:13

the water. Flake after flake

1:26:15

after flake after… Hat? A

1:26:18

top hat lands amongst the snow

1:26:20

in front of Narcissus' face as

1:26:22

he sees the very spot his

1:26:24

beloved one shimmered begin to clump

1:26:26

and build upon itself. A snowball.

1:26:28

A second snowball. A third snowball.

1:26:30

OMG out of the very water

1:26:32

of Narcissus' reflection at first, Frosty

1:26:35

the Snowman! This time he looks

1:26:37

just like Narcissus! But

1:26:39

you're me. But

1:26:41

not me? Emperor, I

1:26:43

choose Frosty. Constanteed

1:26:46

thumbs up! I'm

1:26:49

Frosty the Snowman and in this

1:26:52

episode of Root Tales of Magic,

1:26:54

I get to fuck Narcissus. Happy

1:26:57

Holidays everyone! Bombshell!

1:26:59

Happy Holidays! Happy Holidays!

1:27:02

I'm Buzzin! You

1:27:12

just heard the voices of Ally Fisher,

1:27:14

Carly Minardo, Christopher Hastings, Jill Lepore, and

1:27:16

Tim Platt. This episode of

1:27:18

Yuletide Combat Family Greek Mythology was edited

1:27:21

and sound designed by Tim Platt featuring

1:27:23

special music from Steve DiCino. Yuletide

1:27:26

Combat Family is a Root Tales of Magic

1:27:28

thing and Root Tales of Magic is a

1:27:30

bucket of milk thing. The game Yuletide Combat

1:27:32

Family is, like most things, made up. Hi,

1:27:38

I'm Branson Reese. I'm wrapped

1:27:40

by WME, I'm 6'3", and this

1:27:42

is Frosty the Snowman.

1:27:47

I'm Frosty the Snowman and in

1:27:49

this episode of Root Tales of

1:27:51

Magic, I get to fuck Narcissus.

1:27:54

Happy Holidays everyone! I'm

1:27:59

Frosty the Snowman. I am I

1:28:01

am and in this episode of

1:28:03

Root Tales of Magic I get to

1:28:05

fuck Narcissus. Happy Holidays everyone! I'm

1:28:10

Frosty the Snowman I am I am and

1:28:12

in this episode of Root Tales of Magic

1:28:15

I get to fuck Narcissus. Happy

1:28:17

Holidays everyone! Hearing

1:28:20

us. That

1:28:22

was a Headphone Podcast.