0:07

Hello, welcome to the

0:10

show. Today we have

0:12

somebody whose parents used

0:14

to live in the same village as me. Do you

0:16

know who that is, Dan? Who is it?

0:19

What? It's the host of The Masked Singer and

0:21

Survivor. It's Joel Dormitt and this is his Wonder

0:23

Box. So

0:29

let's get straight into it. You're worried about golf? I'm

0:31

petrified about golf. You just

0:34

said off air you were scared of

0:36

the effect that golf could have on

0:38

your life. I'm petrified. I don't

0:41

allow myself to get

0:43

addicted to things that I know are very

0:45

addictive. I've seen it in people's eyes. You

0:48

see it in Jamie Redknapp's eyes when you speak to him. He's

0:51

obsessed with golf. And

0:53

again you see it with people who

0:57

play video games and it's

0:59

absolutely lovely. Fair play to them. If they

1:01

can do that, that's great. That's great. But

1:04

I can't because I would just never see

1:06

my wife and child. There's

1:08

something so deep about the fact that you looked

1:10

into Jamie Redknapp's eyes and

1:12

worried about yourself. So I think you were

1:15

kind of going, this guy's in too far.

1:17

Yeah, I saw golf in his eyes. So

1:19

do you think Jamie Redknapp saw you, saw

1:21

your build and thought this is a

1:23

safe place. He's bound to be into golf.

1:27

I think, I mean I again, I took

1:29

it further and I think probably

1:31

in my mind I was imagining me and

1:33

Jamie Redknapp playing golf together. And

1:36

that beautiful picturesque scene

1:38

of a sort of lovely hot

1:41

day hitting a birdie or something.

1:43

Yeah, what is an eagle is where you, is that where you

1:45

get it? Birdie's one under par.

1:47

What's an eagle? Eagles two under par.

1:49

You're a golf guy. No,

1:52

no, I just hang out with them. Hang

1:54

out with the golf guys. So he's holding one

1:56

birdie, eagle. Well no, it doesn't because you might

1:58

have a par four. So then

2:00

there'd be something in between hole in one and eagle.

2:02

And one over par, do you know what one over

2:04

par is? A crocodile. A

2:07

bogey. A bogey. A

2:09

bogey. Yeah, makes sense. It's a... So

2:13

they've gone birds and snot. But bogey comes

2:15

from the Scottish Bogle, of course, which was

2:17

an old Scottish goblin. Of course. Hang on

2:20

a minute! So the Scots were the first

2:22

to bogle, which is risky, which is risky

2:24

given their kilts. I

2:27

can't think of anything worse than saying... A

2:29

Scottish goblin, a bogle, and then bogeyman from that.

2:32

Or a bogleman. So

2:34

a Scottish goblin is called a bogleman. Were you

2:37

familiar with this? Absolutely not. This was... Oh,

2:39

yeah, I saw all of this when I looked in Jamie Red. That's us. Just

2:44

step away from the red now. So

2:47

we're talking about things you love. So you

2:49

must be addicted to all of these things.

2:51

Yeah, yeah, that's one more problem I feel.

2:54

Which is quite exciting. It

2:56

is quite exciting, but I feel like the things I'm obsessed with

2:58

are quite boring. Ah, I'll be the

3:00

judge of that. What's the first thing? Ham. That's all

3:02

right. Which is also six

3:04

over par. I

3:07

don't know. I

3:09

fucking love ham, Russell.

3:12

Oh, that's an advert. Straight away. I love

3:14

it. What? Take me through. Do you like

3:16

it hot? Do you like it cold? I

3:19

will take either, happily. But I'll...

3:23

Maybe it comes from when I was a child, I

3:25

grew up on a farm. And so my

3:28

mum used to make this really homely farm,

3:30

cooked food. And

3:33

so ham was a sort of thing

3:35

that we would have with parsley sauce

3:37

and mashed potatoes. That's

3:40

what I remember being my meal. So

3:43

ham takes you home. Ham takes me home.

3:45

So that's the meat equivalent of quantum leap.

3:47

Yeah. Do you remember that show?

3:50

So we're not talking way for thin. We're

3:53

not talking kind of... I'll go there. Oh,

3:55

OK. I'll go there now. And that's where

3:57

I started. And then I feel like my

3:59

ham journey. has been just so varied.

4:06

You'll often see me with a packet of ham. Yeah,

4:08

what are we talking, parmaham, serrano?

4:10

I don't like to go there,

4:12

but if I have to I

4:14

will. You don't like going there? I

4:16

love it, but it doesn't feel

4:19

like it's doing as much nutritionally

4:22

for me. I also worked, I used to

4:24

work at Borough Market when I was younger,

4:26

when I first started standup comedy. It's

4:29

a long story, but my dad had a cheese

4:31

shop. And so I worked

4:33

there for years, and then whilst I started

4:35

to do standup and worked there on

4:37

Saturdays, and then there was someone who sold

4:40

cheese to his cheese shop who worked

4:42

at Borough Market and I lived in

4:44

London. So you were hanging out with mongers.

4:46

So hanging out with, I was an

4:48

absolute monger. And I used

4:50

to get a well early and sell cheese to

4:52

people. And ham also. So their thing was, they

4:55

were called the ham and cheese shop. They got

4:57

in there early, man. So

4:59

given that you were in with the

5:01

mongers, did you, presumably

5:04

you must have had the best cuts of

5:06

ham and cheese. Like as a Saturday job,

5:08

if you're into ham, that

5:10

must have been wild. I remember working at an internet

5:12

shop and I got free internet and it was mind

5:14

blowing. And I used to have a bacon panini with

5:16

brie on and I felt like the king of the

5:18

world. So what it must feel like

5:20

to get in early, have your fill of cheese and

5:22

ham. But then the internet almost. You must have looked

5:25

like Henry VIII. Just felt

5:27

like I'm kind of regretting the front. That

5:29

was the problem. It's so rich, Palmer ham.

5:31

And when you're just picking at it all

5:33

day and you're picking and it's expensive stuff,

5:36

man. Well, the problem with it, it's fantastic,

5:38

but it's so wafer thin. You could easily,

5:40

you could scoop it up with one hand and

5:42

eat all of them. Yeah. And

5:44

it melts. It's such good. It's good stuff

5:47

too. It's Borough Market ham. It just melts

5:49

in the mouth. So I

5:51

would just eat that all day. Just constantly

5:53

chipping away at the bits of cheese and

5:55

bits of ham. And then you just

5:58

end up sweating. pig

6:01

yeah yeah like so much but you

6:03

smell like a reform voter you know

6:06

what I mean like the amount of ham you are eating it's

6:08

just like Jesus this guy wants to

6:10

keep them all out it's

6:13

a good smell though isn't it yeah while we're

6:15

here yeah in my humble opinion

6:17

your top three smells I would say are

6:20

here we go freshly mown grass yes I

6:22

would say petrol I was

6:24

gonna say petrol I thought you'd find me

6:26

weird no not to Sharpie pen and the

6:28

smell of a baby you gotta know the

6:31

kid but there's something about a

6:33

baby smell like Rice Krispies do you

6:36

think rice crisp yes yeah warm rice

6:38

crispies it is I've got

6:40

an eight-month-old yeah so I'm like what

6:42

does he smell like only now can

6:44

we have this now we're into the

6:47

conversation it's fine yeah if I said

6:49

that first you're a job what are

6:51

you kids my love yeah it's true

6:54

what are we dealing with he's a

6:56

way smells exclusively of hat he

6:59

did that baby smell is again

7:02

that's the weirdest thing everyone would maybe if

7:04

you're a parent you would pop out in

7:06

your top three smells right baby smell is

7:08

an incredible yet

7:10

weirdly if you bottled it it's weird

7:12

yes it's immediately weird I wonder

7:14

if it's specific to you as well when would you

7:18

ever but I wonder if you were to let's

7:20

say do a blindfold challenge if you

7:22

were to pick up five kids obviously make sure

7:25

someone hands you the kid essential yeah but

7:27

if you were to sniff each kid I

7:29

wonder if you could pick out yours it'd

7:31

be interesting wouldn't it that is the game

7:33

show that and listen you're in the market hey come

7:36

on I would happily I would

7:38

happily say yes that because I say

7:40

yes to everything the masked sniffer yes

7:42

let me tell you something about the smell of

7:45

freshly cut grass I think you'll like okay yes

7:48

that smell is a chemical that grass

7:50

releases to let other grass nearby know

7:53

that it is under attack and that it should

7:55

sort of fold down so the smell

7:57

of freshly cut grass is really the smell of grass

18:00

hand or a balloon or like a sort

18:02

of light sort of bouncy ball bounce it

18:04

against your head and go I

18:07

find works so like like pain and

18:09

dismay at the thing that's caused you

18:11

pain yeah so I think like let's

18:13

say like uh any kind

18:15

of object that isn't going to actually hurt you so

18:17

you just bounce on like you pretending to like fall

18:20

over or something would be the classic yeah is that

18:22

in there but uh I think there's

18:24

elements of that that will fit into one of

18:26

these so I think you'll recognize why it works

18:28

once you see these do the top five take

18:30

us from five to one clearly with hitting something

18:32

in your face you can't come back up streaming

18:34

with blood because I think fake blood if

18:39

you had fake blood and then kind of like a

18:41

fake detective to come in I think really go for

18:43

it so um number

18:46

one is peekaboo so let's get that out of

18:48

the way that is the top thing that makes

18:50

all children laugh and we know that so number

18:52

two is putting a napkin in your mouth and

18:54

making funny noises wow that's the

18:56

second most popular bit for babies but

18:59

how many how many bits did they have to do

19:01

to get to that quite so specific it's the thinking

19:03

behind that that you're putting a thing that sort of

19:05

you shouldn't have in your mouth so you could do

19:07

that with other so you could do that with like

19:10

a dog's foot if like

19:12

presumably it's something that shouldn't go in

19:14

your mouth number three tearing paper wow

19:17

they love it absolutely

19:19

brilliant did you know you tried that no

19:21

I haven't tried tearing paper it feels like

19:23

you had any documents I did it's a

19:26

shred recently your your wife doesn't

19:28

know what's gonna hit her because you're

19:30

gonna come home with new kit straight

19:32

in napkin in the mouth then then

19:35

rip the napkin your kid's gonna be like

19:39

not a hat wearing something on your head that

19:41

is not a hat oh my god okay

19:44

so again so you put the dog's foot

19:46

in your mouth and then put the dog in your

19:48

head that's killer that's double yeah and

19:51

number five not a cat which is

19:54

you show them an animal that expects to make

19:56

one noise but you flip this you flip the

19:58

story and you do a different It's

46:00

very interesting. Some things work for people

46:02

and some things don't have lights. What's

46:05

next on the list? Just

46:07

very quickly. Birds don't get jet lagged because

46:09

they fly north to south. Is

46:11

that right? You get jet lag going across time zones and

46:13

they don't change time zones, they just go up and down.

46:16

Really? Do they just go up and down?

46:18

Yeah, they go south for winter where it's

46:21

hot. Makes sense. 1820s

46:23

when they discovered about migration, when a bird

46:25

turned up in Germany with an African spear

46:27

through it. How small was the spear? It

46:30

was a stalk, it was a fairly sizey bird. Fair

46:33

play to him, dragging a spear all the way.

46:36

Can you imagine the German

46:38

for that bird's

46:40

got a spear from? I

46:42

can't believe, I've got a bit of pig

46:44

trivia that I didn't bring up earlier. Do you want to hear

46:46

it? Yes please. This is true.

46:48

Apparently a pig's orgasm lasts for half an hour. Oh

46:51

my god, that's great. They're

46:53

going for the pig, awful if you're a

46:55

pervert farmer. And you

46:58

know someone's visiting your farm

47:00

and you're like Betsy shut

47:02

the fuck up! And

47:05

it's like 28 minutes and you're like Jesus stop. Did

47:08

they? I was just about to say

47:10

a really silly thing. Betsy I'm

47:12

going to kill you. Have you got to shut the... Incredible.

47:15

Yeah, what's next? Let's

47:22

go with this one. This is a big old

47:24

love of mine. Okay. I

47:27

love autocue. It feels

47:29

very in, very... Why

47:33

do you love autocue? I

47:36

think it's because it's taken a long time

47:38

for me to get to

47:40

the point where I really enjoy

47:42

it. I feel like I can read anything

47:44

and it'll be fine. Okay. And

47:47

I really... when I first

47:49

started there's no one to really teach you

47:51

how to do it. Yeah it's funny. You

47:53

know, weirdly I was given... we're talking about

47:56

being very in. There's a guy called Karl

47:58

Warner. Lovely dude. blow

48:00

brilliant he gave me a bit of advice that

48:03

Chris Evans had said to him in

48:05

passing which was to treat the screen

48:07

as if you're flirting with it

48:10

they're like to not focus on it solely but

48:12

always make sure you're trying to throw your best

48:14

you to the screen yeah and it was like

48:16

that's literally the only bit of advice that I've

48:18

ever been given in terms of how to work

48:21

the camera you're very good at

48:23

it but it's that interesting thing you go

48:25

okay I get that you're trying to kind of

48:28

you know but the

48:31

skill with autocue is not looking like you're reading

48:33

it yeah yeah and also what you realize there's

48:35

so many people I'm sure I do it sometimes

48:37

too who really look like

48:39

they're concentrating too much on it yeah

48:41

you know like like to your analogy

48:44

you're they're concentrating too much on that

48:46

woman across the bar they're stalking right

48:48

yeah never stalk always exactly

48:50

don't be a pest you know I

48:53

love it man I just my favorite things

48:55

those corporates that you literally get there and

48:57

you haven't read it and it's the most

49:00

complicated autocue that you've ever read in your

49:02

entire life yeah I just relish

49:04

the challenge of being like something

49:06

really specific that I've never even read

49:09

and the names can be mental and

49:11

I'm like I get to the name

49:13

in the autocue and I'm like oh

49:15

fucking how juicy is this name I

49:18

love it man I couldn't do that

49:21

I wouldn't be able to just rock up

49:23

at a corporate and read it I would

49:25

yeah as Dan will say I mean Dan

49:27

see me with with we did one show

49:29

ever where I had didn't write it it

49:32

was bad wasn't it just me trying to I

49:34

can't no one would have known and this is

49:36

what's amazing this is that that is your skill

49:38

right hiding all of

49:41

the complications you know and

49:43

the further you go into it the further

49:45

you realize it's kind of that

49:48

it's about just being calm in it but it's interesting

49:50

like you said it's about being calm and

49:54

in control I think the

49:56

thing is it's so difficult to go on like

49:59

everyone is The first time you

50:01

go on TV, you are an open spot. And

50:03

then we now live in a world where it happens

50:05

a lot to sort of female comics. They'll be on

50:08

stuff and they get so

50:10

much shit. Whereas I

50:12

was super fortunate that when I first started

50:14

doing telly, it kind of wasn't really social

50:16

media. Yeah. I think that would have crippled

50:18

me like to, to go

50:20

on TV and then read all the comments.

50:23

Yeah. Just, you know, that's the, you know

50:25

what I mean? Especially when you're live telly,

50:27

because you can literally read them in a

50:29

break. It's the worst man. So

50:31

do you do that? Oh man. But I've made

50:33

that mistake before and I try not to do

50:35

it. Everyone has to go through that stage. You

50:37

have to self-google, you have to do everything. And

50:39

then you have to get to that stage where

50:42

you go, okay, I'm through it. Yeah. And it's

50:44

so much part of the landscape now, that

50:46

side of like negativity. Whereas it used

50:48

to be like, oh, it's bad. Oh

50:50

my God, it really hurts me. Ah.

50:53

And then you go through the thing of like, oh, it really

50:55

hurts. So I'm not going to read it

50:57

ever. And now it's so much a

50:59

part of the landscape that for

51:01

me personally, I can read them in

51:03

the break and be like, oh, it's funny that

51:05

person thinks that. Okay. I do. I think

51:08

it's fine. Okay. Um, but I'm in a

51:10

lucky position that people aren't overly like ridiculously

51:12

negative towards me. I feel like no

51:15

one loves me and no one really hates me. Just sort

51:17

of coast in the middle. I really love that place. Yeah.

51:20

It's weird, eh? It's sort of like the only time that

51:22

I've ever, me and John Richardson

51:24

used to do a show on Six Music and

51:26

we would get texts in from listeners. And that

51:28

was the funniest because we were having a great

51:31

time chatting away. We were mates and

51:33

then you just looked to the side

51:35

and it was just this barrage of

51:37

abuse. So me and John be

51:39

halfway through chatting away. What are you going to add

51:41

to it? And then you go, it was just like

51:44

capital letters, play some music. You cunt. No one cares

51:46

about your life. It

51:48

was so funny, but it was just

51:50

this sideways attack. I

51:52

think, I think you

51:55

are so, you sell jokes

51:58

on telly. better than anyone.

52:02

I can't think of anyone else better really in

52:05

that way. That's with

52:08

good news that there was something again there's the

52:10

way that you say that you help with the

52:12

writing thing and I sort of that's my way

52:14

too with Masked Singer and things like that because

52:16

I can't, I

52:19

love to be involved in it. So

52:22

will you do so for the next stand-up

52:24

tour will that be will

52:27

that be arenas because you did arenas with a Masked

52:29

Singer? I can't sell arenas but

52:31

would it but would it be I don't

52:35

know but I'm in like an

52:37

interesting place where like because I'm

52:39

on so so many different types

52:41

of teleshow you know people

52:43

wouldn't necessarily see me hosting Lorraine two weeks

52:45

ago and be like oh god I've got

52:48

to do something. Do you host Lorraine? I

52:50

host Lorraine. Oh nice. Do they still call

52:52

it Lorraine? They still call it Lorraine even

52:54

though it's Joel. It's so

52:56

fun and I love doing these shows again

52:58

no other comic would say yes to these

53:00

things because it just

53:02

doesn't feel like a comic thing to do but I

53:05

think it's so funny like interviewing Lulu and then

53:07

talking about the coil. Yeah but like it's so

53:09

fun. Why was she talking about the coil? It

53:12

wasn't Lulu specifically it was a different segment. I

53:14

was gonna say surely that's days they've gone. Yeah

53:17

no wonder you're shouting. Well

53:19

if you've had it in for all those years um

53:23

presumably but what was the

53:25

coil? Did they wait

53:28

until you were doing it? Lorraine's like

53:30

I'm not touching that coil

53:32

stuff. The coil is a new ITV

53:35

game show. Yes yeah yeah sounds like

53:37

a good one actually. It's actually it

53:39

involves a pig. It's

53:43

it's I just find that live there's

53:46

not much live telly around now most of its

53:48

daytime and a few Saturday night ones left. I

53:51

genuinely I'm really excited to like I'm

53:53

doing more of it coming up and

53:56

um we're doing more Lorraine. I'm doing

53:58

they're doing some I'm

54:00

doing some this morning. Oh wow. So

54:03

I've done some this morning before, and

54:05

it's two and a half hours this

54:07

morning. And it goes from

54:09

segment to segment. So one moment you're

54:12

cooking a thing, and then the

54:14

next moment you go down and you're like, you're

54:16

talking to a doctor about something really serious. And

54:18

then you go to the thing and you're interviewing

54:21

Lily Allen. And then it's like

54:23

an absolute brain fart of

54:25

madness. Every so often they get

54:27

some bloke with a huge cock to come on. Yes. We

54:30

watch those in the office a few times. It's

54:32

so funny. So funny. Because it's really serious, isn't

54:35

it? That's it. The same geezer comes on and he's talking

54:37

about his dick. And I think that's where the key is.

54:39

So you might have to do that. That's where it comes

54:41

in, right? This is where the interesting

54:43

part is because there is serious

54:45

moments that everyone

54:47

watching knows that you, as

54:49

a presenter, have to be serious about it.

54:52

But you know you've got that look in

54:54

your eye that it's funny. And

54:56

I think there's some presenters that can't, when

54:59

you're not a comic, you haven't

55:01

got that look in your eye. You're pretending

55:03

that it's serious. I don't know. I

55:06

really enjoyed that, man. I felt like we've got

55:08

to talk quite abruptly. I feel like we should

55:10

end it with some ham. But fortunately, I don't

55:12

have any. You'll be safe in the

55:14

knowledge that I will immediately leave and be smashing

55:16

into some ham. That was

55:19

brilliant. Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Joel Domet. That

55:25

was fascinating. Joel Domet. Lovely

55:28

guy. And hey, guess what? He does a podcast.

55:30

He does, does he? It's with his wife. It's

55:33

called Never Have I Ever. And

55:35

basically, they get suggestions from the audience

55:38

to do stuff they've never done. And then they

55:40

chat about it. What, like pissing on Titch Marsh's

55:42

feet? Possibly. They've never done that. Well, they might

55:44

have done it. If they have

55:46

done it, he really acted like it was a surprise

55:48

when I brought it up. But yeah,

55:51

he's going on tour. While we're talking about

55:53

tours, I'm going on tour. I'm on

55:55

tour in Canada and Scandinavia. That's

55:58

after August. Very nice. See you here. Sound

56:01

good? See you next week.