0:00

You're listening to the micro version of

0:02

the Savage Lovecast at savage.love Okay

0:23

everybody, calm down. No one

0:26

is trying to stop Olympic athletes from

0:28

fucking in the Olympic village. When

0:31

athletes from all over the world gather

0:33

in Paris next month, they're gonna run

0:35

and jump and dive and throw

0:38

things and ride horses and skateboards

0:40

on Olympic sport now. And

0:43

they are going to fuck. So

0:45

if you were looking forward to watching

0:47

the diving competition and then the beach

0:49

volleyball competition because you wanted to picture

0:51

the divers and volleyball players getting it

0:53

on back in their rooms. After

0:56

their events and you're one of those people who

0:58

find it easier to conjure up dirty mental images

1:00

when you're thinking about something that could actually happen.

1:02

You will still be able

1:04

to enjoy the Olympics.

1:07

Despite the memes you may have seen

1:09

or received from your meme forwarding friends,

1:12

despite what you may have read

1:14

on social media. No effort is

1:16

being made to prevent Olympic athletes from

1:19

fucking this summer at the Olympics. We

1:22

can trace this little moral panic or

1:24

immoral panic to one news piece that was headlined.

1:28

Breaking news, weird but

1:30

true, anti-sex beds have

1:33

arrived at Paris Olympics. There'll

1:36

be no lovemaking in the city of love, the

1:38

story begins. Anti-sex beds

1:40

have arrived in Paris ahead of

1:43

the 2024 Olympic Games with

1:45

their materials and small size allegedly aimed

1:47

at deterring athletes from getting kinky during

1:49

the Olympics. As

1:52

it turns out, that was not news, breaking or otherwise.

1:56

Weird but not true. The organizers of

1:58

the Paris Olympics. Olympics are not trying

2:00

to stop the athletes from doing what

2:02

athletes are famous for doing at the

2:05

Olympic games in the Olympic village. If

2:08

the organizers were, they wouldn't

2:10

have stocked the Olympic village in Paris with 300,000

2:15

condoms. As CBS news

2:17

reported way back in March. Now

2:20

people might be confused or inclined to

2:22

believe this was true because there was

2:24

an intimacy ban at the Tokyo 2020

2:26

Olympics, which weren't

2:28

held until the summer of 2021 because of the pandemic. But

2:32

that ban was put in place to prevent the

2:34

spread of COVID, not the spreading of cheeks.

2:37

And even then the organizers of the

2:39

Tokyo Olympics made 150,000 condoms

2:43

available to the athletes.

2:46

But even if, let's just game out

2:48

the worst case scenario here, even if

2:50

the beds in the Olympic village

2:52

in Paris were too flimsy for people

2:54

to fuck on regular

2:56

people, everyday people out of

2:59

shape, easily winded schlubs have

3:01

sex every day standing up or in

3:04

the shower or on the floor. Even

3:06

if these beds were designed to prevent people

3:09

from having sex in them, I don't think

3:11

a horny Olympic diver would have gotten back

3:13

to his room with a horny Olympic wrestler

3:15

and a horny Olympic rower

3:17

and taken one look at the

3:19

single bed made from cardboard and

3:22

then canceled the threesome. No

3:24

one who gives up that easily gets

3:27

to the Olympics in the first place. The

3:30

story that kicked off a thousand memes

3:32

and social media posts, then even I

3:34

succumbed, even I reacted. The story was

3:37

published in the New York

3:39

Post. Yeah. The New

3:41

York Post routinely publishes bullshit

3:43

and lies for clicks and

3:45

clout. See their recent story

3:47

about Joe Biden allegedly

3:50

wandering off during

3:52

a D-day commemoration event in France last

3:54

week, like some senile old man, when

3:56

in reality, Biden was actually stepping away

3:58

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That's F-O-R-I-A

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wellness.com/Savage. Hi

9:08

Dan. I am

9:10

a 31 year old cis

9:12

straight female. I have

9:15

a lot of baggage around sex and

9:17

femininity and it's occurring to me for

9:19

the first time to

9:21

consider being a Dom. The

9:24

thing is I don't want the like. as

10:00

a young person and I feel like

10:02

all of my edginess got sanded away

10:05

probably for the best in a social setting

10:07

but like I just have this

10:10

deep yearning to get

10:13

to just be the meanest

10:15

version of myself and

10:17

just prioritize myself completely

10:19

in the bedroom. And

10:22

I envision that as a kind of Dom

10:24

thing but I haven't heard of that being

10:26

one. I know I've heard of like humiliation

10:29

things but I feel like

10:31

it's more than that. It's like worship

10:33

and some degree of

10:36

like sanctioned bitchiness.

10:39

How does one go about becoming a Dom?

10:41

Like what is that distinction called? Is it

10:44

even a distinction or am I just making

10:46

that up? What are the

10:48

resources for as a woman safely going

10:50

into that kind of thing? And I don't

10:53

even necessarily wanna do it for money. I

10:56

just wanna do it to feel good. Everything

10:59

you want out of a Dom

11:01

sub relationship is possible. You

11:03

can be in a relationship with someone who

11:06

you can verbally abuse, that you

11:08

can degrade, that you can be

11:10

the ice queen bitch

11:12

that you wanna be again, tap back

11:15

into that bitchiness that you lost,

11:17

that got sanded off you. You

11:19

can be with someone who

11:21

serves you sexually and your

11:23

orgasms, your pleasure are prioritized.

11:26

You can even be with

11:28

somebody who you

11:30

don't even have to worry about making come, who

11:32

doesn't get to come, whose cock is locked

11:35

up in a cage. But

11:38

the idea that you won't have to be

11:40

considerate, you're gonna have to let that go.

11:43

A Dom sub relationship is

11:46

a negotiation and you're gonna have to

11:48

go out there into the world, present

11:50

as a Dom, a newbie novice Dom,

11:54

and find somebody who

11:57

your style of domination, what you wanna do,

11:59

do, where you want to go as a

12:01

dominant, is where they want

12:03

to go as a submissive.

12:06

And that requires a very careful

12:09

negotiation and feeling each other out.

12:11

And that,

12:14

yeah, you're going to have to be

12:16

kind and considerate and thoughtful and ingratiating

12:19

to a certain extent and solicitous during

12:22

these negotiations with someone who

12:24

wants to submit to you, who wants

12:26

to serve you, maybe not in a

12:29

whips and chains, dungeons and latex, cat

12:32

suit kind of BDSM style,

12:34

but in an FLR, hashtag

12:36

FLR, female-led relationship style that

12:39

involves chastity for him or come

12:41

denial or come control, where you

12:43

decide if or when he gets

12:46

to come and maybe months go by without

12:49

him being able to come. But

12:51

you're going to have to find that guy who wants

12:53

to go months and months and months without

12:56

coming. So I want to encourage

12:58

you to move out there into the world, to ask for what

13:02

you want, put out there what it is you want,

13:04

but you can't impose

13:08

from the gate exactly what it is you

13:10

want on some guy. You're going to have

13:12

to, before you step into

13:15

this role with somebody and ease

13:17

into it with somebody, you're going to have to negotiate with them,

13:19

you're going to have to talk with them, you're going to have

13:21

to meet them as you're

13:24

equal and figure

13:26

out if you click and if

13:28

you vibe and then you'll catch

13:30

a groove, you'll check in

13:32

with each other, maybe you'll play, you'll take

13:34

baby steps and you may

13:37

in time, you know, after a few months or a

13:39

year get up to speed where you don't really have

13:41

to talk about it anymore, what you

13:43

carefully negotiated at the beginning as equals

13:46

and you can just be

13:48

the bitchy ice queen Dom whenever you're

13:50

with this person. Yeah,

13:52

but no, there's no being someone's

13:54

dominant without taking into consideration their

13:57

needs, their feelings.

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and use the offer code

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savage. Hi, Dan.

20:27

A friend of mine is

20:30

exploring a lot of new kinks

20:32

and is really into the

20:34

idea of pup play. They

20:37

love the idea of being a human

20:39

walker, especially because they make most of

20:41

their living as a professional dog walker.

20:44

And they would love to be able to

20:46

do this type of sex work professionally, but

20:48

don't really know how to break into that

20:50

world. My obvious first

20:52

answer to them was the internet,

20:55

but this person is just like not

20:57

online. They don't have any socials. They

20:59

are not on any apps. They don't

21:01

use that life, things like that. And

21:04

ideally would like to stay that way, but,

21:06

you know, are willing to get on app

21:09

if that's kind of like the only and

21:11

or best way of doing this. So

21:14

I figured that you would probably have

21:16

some creative answers. So

21:19

if I'm following you, you

21:21

have a friend who's a professional dog walker

21:23

who's gotten it into their head that

21:27

kink dog walkers can

21:29

make a lot more money or they could

21:31

make a lot more money walking people into

21:33

put play around than they're

21:36

making walking people's

21:38

actual dogs around.

21:41

And that may be true. That may be

21:43

true. Your friend is going to have to be a couple

21:45

of things though to make

21:47

money here. And this is a small

21:49

market. Put play. There

21:52

aren't a lot of guys out there who

21:54

are straight into put play. You don't mention

21:56

your friends gender. People

30:00

were like, what kind of mugs? You know, these

30:02

mugs did not say murder all men or anything.

30:05

They were like, you know, one had

30:07

a Cheryl Strayed quote on it, right? Like a

30:09

motherfucker. Because I

30:11

used to work at the Rumpus Literary Magazine and

30:13

they sell those mugs. And

30:16

just like other silly little

30:18

things like chambray tops, I

30:20

bought a lot of them from Old Navy when

30:22

I was nursing my babies, just because it's easy

30:25

to button and unbutton and they

30:27

hide stains really well. I'm a Midwestern mom.

30:29

And so it was just like little things

30:31

like that. And

30:33

opening that box and finding it

30:35

was, it felt like what I

30:38

imagined finding

30:40

a dead body would feel like, because

30:43

it felt like all these pieces of

30:45

me that had been deliberately hidden

30:47

and taken away from me. And I

30:49

mean, obviously there's

30:52

a word for it, right? Gaslighting. But, you

30:54

know. Yeah, and it wasn't your toddler who

30:56

was hiding. Hey, yeah, it was. Yes. Yes.

30:59

Unfortunately, my toddlers at that time were not

31:02

sophisticated enough to do that. They did not

31:04

have to go to jail, but they, it

31:06

was, yeah, it was my now ex-husband who

31:08

was doing it. And

31:11

when we talked about it in therapy

31:14

later, you know, he was just like,

31:16

well, this is my home and I

31:18

did not want those things in there.

31:20

There's like a hoppy of Madame Bovary,

31:22

which is, I really love it. It's

31:24

a great, it's an incredible book. The

31:26

term gaslighting gets thrown around too much.

31:28

Too much. Too much. Yes. About any

31:30

disagreement. If somebody else interpreted an event

31:33

differently than you or had a different

31:35

impression, you're being ghastly. Gen Z, you're

31:37

out of control. Stop using gaslighting. This

31:40

is not only this gaslighting, but really what I

31:42

seized on when I was reading it or really

31:44

stuck with me was disappearing that mug that said,

31:47

right, like a motherfucker. Because one

31:49

of the central conflicts in the UN pack in the

31:51

book at Great Length, this isn't just about your marriage,

31:53

it's about a lot of opposite sex marriages where

31:56

the husband is threatened by

31:58

or unsupportive of. Laura

44:00

M's comment and Dawn's comment.

44:03

And while I did engage in a

44:05

little, it's complicated-ism and sometimes people want

44:07

to fuck-ism in that response. I

44:10

did also endorse, do not fuck

44:12

the students as the right policy

44:14

for leaders in wellness

44:16

spaces and the default setting.

44:19

Says, BMA83 to the lady wanting

44:22

to go to Folsom and IML,

44:24

please stay away. This

44:26

call reminds me of women going to the Cock

44:28

and the Eagle in New York. It is such

44:30

an invasion. I blame primarily the gay

44:32

men who bring their gal pals to the cruisy gay

44:34

bars so they can watch the gay men as

44:37

if they were at a zoo. Damn, if

44:39

a straight man wanted to go to a lesbian

44:41

event because he loved watching two women get it

44:43

on, would you advise him

44:45

to go? I sure as hell hope

44:48

you would not. I've been

44:50

to IML, I've been to Folsom. There

44:52

are women at those events already. As

44:54

Jo the commenter points out in her

44:57

response, gay leather scene, it's perfectly okay

44:59

for a woman to go to public

45:01

open gay leather events. I

45:03

used to go to the IML vendor, floor

45:05

Jo continues, where I got some of my

45:08

best stuff, but I never went to any

45:10

of the parties. I was not invited. Don't

45:12

go to private events where you are not

45:14

invited, especially if you want to just be

45:16

a lookie-loo. Speaking of lookie-loos, I

45:18

once read a 2000 word piece criticizing

45:21

a guy who brought a straight woman

45:23

to a gay orgy, a private event

45:25

at IML, because she wanted to

45:28

have a lookie-loo. We will put

45:30

the link to that story in

45:32

the show notes. All right, for

45:34

more listener feedback, check out struggle

45:36

session, where I respond to listener

45:38

and reader comments goes up most

45:40

Thursdays at savage.love. That's exclusively for

45:42

our Magnum subs. And now listener

45:45

response calls. Hi,

45:48

this is a comment for the

45:50

woman who called about her facilitator

45:52

at the wellness retreat, dating

45:54

or having relationships with some of

45:56

his students. Girl, run.

45:59

This is... rampant in the

46:01

yoga and wellness community. It

46:03

is well documented in a lot of

46:06

circles. I mean, even if you just

46:08

look up Dick from and the entire

46:10

spectrum yoga, and he was

46:12

taking sexual advantage of his students, and it

46:14

is something that is very easy to do

46:17

when you are bringing

46:19

folks into a vulnerable space,

46:22

and in their bodies and in

46:24

their minds, and it is very,

46:26

very common for people to be

46:28

taken advantage of, and any facilitator

46:30

should absolutely never enter

46:32

into that type of a relationship with

46:34

people that they are directly working with

46:36

because it is almost always an abuse of

46:39

power. Hi Dan, this is

46:41

in response to the man who called

46:43

in about his wife fooling around with

46:45

her hairdresser, and what

46:47

she said sounded great, but you are leaving

46:49

out a really important issue, at least

46:52

in my world. A good

46:54

hairdresser is worth their weight in gold, and

46:56

if she fools around with them

46:58

and it gets weird, she might lose an

47:00

amazing hairdresser. So at the very least, she

47:02

should maybe shop around for a backup before

47:05

she proceeds. Hi

47:07

Dan, I just want to respond to the

47:09

woman who called and asked for your advice

47:11

because she wanted to go to an event

47:13

like a gay leather event like Folsom, and

47:16

asked whether it was appropriate because she

47:18

wanted to be mindful and respectful of

47:20

people's spaces, and I thought

47:22

that was first of all awesome that she

47:24

asked that question, because I've often wondered things

47:27

like that myself, and I thought your response

47:29

was incredible. I mean, I have

47:31

often thought that would be just a lot

47:33

of fun to go to something like that,

47:35

not because I'm necessarily into leather, I'm kinky,

47:37

but I'm not into leather, but I do think

47:39

it would be just fabulous to

47:42

just not only experience that

47:44

kind of energy and

47:46

enthusiasm, but seeing a

47:48

bunch of really hot gay men dancing

47:51

and wearing fetish gear, that would

47:53

be incredible too, but I

47:56

just think that would be a really neat thing, but I've

47:58

always kind of wondered whether I'd be welcome. in a

48:00

space like that if I were respectful. And

48:03

so I thought that question was just awesome. And I

48:05

just want to tell that caller, if

48:07

you want a fellow middle-aged

48:09

cis hat woman to go to an

48:11

event with, I'm your woman, because I

48:13

think that would be a lot of

48:16

fun. And we're gonna leave it there.

48:18

We've got three great ways for you to

48:20

get us your questions or comments for future

48:23

shows. You can record your question or comment

48:25

at savage.love slash ask Dan, or you can

48:27

make a voice memo on your very own

48:29

phone and email us your question or your

48:31

comment at q at savage.love, or

48:33

you can call our landline and leave

48:36

us a message at 206-302-2064. Hump part

48:38

one 2024 is available to stream right

48:45

now in the privacy of your

48:47

own home. If you missed the spring tour in

48:49

theaters or you just want to

48:51

see Hump 2024 part one one more time,

48:54

go to humpfilmfest.com right now so you can

48:56

watch it today. And while you're at the

48:58

website, be sure to click on submit to

49:00

find out how you can get your

49:03

dirty little masterpiece into our

49:05

terrific dirty little film festival

49:08

in 2025. Again

49:10

humpfilmfest.com while you're there, click

49:13

submit. Follow me on Instagram and

49:15

threads at Dan Savage. Follow me

49:17

at blue sky at Dan Savage.

49:19

And you can still find me

49:21

at the bad place at fake

49:23

Dan Savage. Follow author Liz Lenz

49:25

on Twitter at LYZL. You'll also

49:28

find Liz on Instagram and threads

49:30

at Liz Lenz. That's L Y

49:32

Z L E N Z. And

49:34

her podcast, This American Ex-Wife, the

49:36

podcast is available right now on

49:38

all podcasting platforms. The Savage Lovecast

49:40

is produced every week by Nancy

49:42

Hartunian and me and Nancy and

49:45

the tech savvy at risk youth. We'll all

49:47

be back out you next week with another

49:49

installment of the Savage Lovecast. Thank

49:51

you for downloading. Happy

49:53

national accordion. you