0:00

From business and marketing strategies for entrepreneurs

0:02

with soul to loving on her family and to

0:04

planning the ultimate wine travel experience

0:06

for women . As the founder of Black Girls Wine

0:08

, shayla Bernardo is the bestie

0:10

we all needed . She keeps us updated on

0:12

the latest to try and buy and she's

0:14

very generous in dropping a little knowledge

0:17

along the way . Shayla , welcome

0:19

to the City . Groud podcast . Thank

0:21

you for having me podcast

0:30

. Thank you for having me . I'm very excited because when I got

0:32

to know you and lorette about you , I'm like , okay , this , this

0:34

lady's life bio , whatever , like biopic

0:37

. It could be called a scenic route

0:39

. There is almost nothing that

0:41

I have done yet and there's still so

0:43

much left to do . So

0:46

, shayla , what does scenic

0:49

route mean for you ? What was

0:51

the pivotal moments

0:53

looking back so far

0:55

?

1:07

Oh , that's a scripture in

1:09

the Bible verses around

1:11

talents and gifts and

1:14

utilizing all of your talents and

1:16

gifts . It's a parable in the book of Matthew . Right

1:18

, I've read a note

1:21

, to be honest , but you tell

1:23

me , so I believe . Yeah

1:25

, so it is , and so what

1:27

the scenic route means to me

1:29

is like it

1:31

really has been a journey of me exploring all

1:34

of my talents and gifts and putting

1:36

them all to use and

1:38

using everything inside of me . I

1:41

feel like my brief time in

1:43

corporate . I was like , oh my God , I'm

1:45

miserable , and I also realized

1:47

that , like I am so much more than this

1:50

, like , yes , I can answer a phone

1:52

and , yes , I can handle some claims and I

1:54

can do some inspections , but none of that

1:56

is really using any of the gifts

1:58

and talents that I have . I'm

2:00

such a creative . I

2:03

love I love the camera , which

2:05

I discovered as an adult building

2:07

brands , I love being on camera

2:09

and I love putting

2:12

on a face . I love helping people

2:14

with their marketing . I love drinking

2:16

wine and helping people grow their palate

2:19

, and so my journey has kind

2:21

of been it's been the ebbs and

2:23

flows of like using my

2:25

gifts to serve other people .

2:28

Oh , I love this approach of really

2:30

leading with your gifts

2:33

and talents first and

2:35

then kind of like beefed it into the city

2:37

ground and see where it goes . What

2:42

you said like you

2:45

see yourself as a very creative

2:47

person . Was there another

2:49

? What was the another

2:51

? Like maybe surprising gift

2:54

or talent you discovered along the way , and

2:56

what was something you

2:59

were absolutely shit

3:02

at doing that did not work

3:04

out at all .

3:06

That's a really good question . So

3:09

, surprisingly

3:12

, when I first

3:14

started building Black Girls Wine , I

3:16

decided about a year

3:19

into it to start going live . And

3:21

I went live every week

3:24

on Wednesdays at 8.30 for four

3:26

years , and so a lot

3:28

of people discovered me that

3:30

way and I

3:33

was nervous as crap when I

3:35

first started . I did not . I'm

3:37

telling you , it was my mom and my husband and my dad

3:39

and my sister on my very first live . And

3:42

so now when I meet people or I

3:44

see people in the street or I'm like talking

3:47

to the money in the wine industry , they're like oh my God , I

3:49

loved your show and I was like wow

3:51

, you watched it . I didn't think I

3:53

was going to be great

3:55

at it . I didn't know what to expect . I hated

3:57

public speaking in college . When I took it I

3:59

was so uninterested in it , and so

4:01

it has actually made me a

4:04

much better speaker . I have

4:06

a lot more confidence , even if I don't

4:08

necessarily know where

4:10

a topic or conversation or

4:12

like if it's a panel interview , like

4:14

even though you never know how those things turn out . I feel

4:17

more confident because

4:19

of my four years in front of the camera

4:21

of me just kind of trying it out . Something

4:24

that I was really shitty at was running a

4:26

product-based business and a subscription

4:29

box . Oh , okay , yeah

4:31

, I have a feelings of running a product-based business

4:34

, but the subscription box

4:36

I hate going to

4:38

the post office trying to wrangle

4:40

all of this stuff in a box and

4:42

the crazy thing is , like the box did well , it

4:45

was growing and I was like

4:47

I don't do this anymore so I

4:49

shut it down but

4:51

I mean really kudos to you

4:53

for shutting , for shutting something down

4:56

because it doesn't didn't feel aligned anymore

4:58

. It

5:00

was it was . It was hard

5:03

like I found myself

5:05

every single month at the last second , like

5:07

at the post office , packing boxes

5:09

and tissues everywhere and trying to tape

5:11

them and then carry these , all of these boxes

5:14

, and I'm like I know there's an easier way to

5:16

do it , but I don't even have capacity to figure it

5:18

out like I just don't .

5:19

Yeah yeah , that's

5:21

the thing , right . Once you kind of like realize

5:23

, okay , this shit ain't for me , it doesn't

5:25

even matter , like you probably

5:27

could have hired three people to help you

5:29

easily , but then I don't

5:31

know what . Then suddenly you have three employees

5:34

of a business you don't like and you're

5:36

responsible for them too , and it's just

5:38

like more honest this way . If you feel

5:41

like , nah , I gotta pull the plug

5:43

you

5:47

feel like , nah , I gotta pull the plug .

5:48

Yeah , I had to and I think it was really good practice because eventually I ended up having

5:50

to pull the plug on Black Girls Line Society and that

5:53

business , you know was that membership

5:56

. It was wildly successful but motherhood

5:59

called and I couldn't anymore

6:01

and it was made me sad to shut it

6:03

down . That I did grieve having the sunset

6:05

, that business , but it was nothing

6:07

that I could do . I

6:10

was nine months into postpartum and it was rough

6:12

, so I think it was the

6:14

preparation I needed to

6:17

be able to make that decision

6:19

really confidently . I feel like

6:21

I still don't know

6:23

what the ultimate destination

6:26

looks like , or even if there is an ultimate destination

6:28

, maybe it will always be . Life

6:31

is about enjoying the route , because

6:33

it is the yeah and that , wherever

6:37

destiny takes you and where it takes you

6:39

, but you gotta

6:41

enjoy the ride .

6:41

Yes , if you've been here for a couple

6:43

of episodes this . You heard me

6:45

preaching this over and over again , so I'm really

6:48

happy shayla is telling you this

6:50

too . Um , listen

6:52

, if you're , if you're hating on

6:54

the journey , that

6:56

whatever destination you will reach most

6:58

likely will suck balls too . Like it's

7:00

it , it's just not

7:03

. Life is so short

7:05

, and if we're having a like

7:07

, if we have to push ourselves and

7:09

having a really hard time just to get a

7:12

step , step , one step after the

7:14

other , like

7:16

, why bother it's

7:19

hard and I know like some seasons

7:21

are just hard .

7:22

I will say that I do understand . I

7:24

do understand if somebody is like 100

7:27

. It took me a while

7:29

post baby wrestling

7:32

with the fact that I was a mom and

7:34

not knowing what

7:37

that , what would come , what would

7:39

become of I don't want to

7:41

say me , but just like what

7:43

that looked like . Like . What is juggling business

7:45

? What does ?

7:46

Shayla as a . As a way the baby looks like

7:48

mom Shayla .

7:50

How does mom Shayla do everything

7:52

that non-mom Shayla

7:54

was doing , but only more

7:57

like ? How does that happen ? And I

7:59

did . I struggled

8:01

after I had my son trying to like

8:03

find my way . I

8:06

was falling in love with this little human

8:08

, but hating the fact that I was

8:10

no longer me . Oh

8:12

, I can so relate .

8:14

Yes , you're speaking

8:16

out of my heart , for sure . It

8:18

was hard . It was hard .

8:19

Oh God , yeah , I mean anybody who's listening

8:22

, I get it .

8:27

I mean , my kid is five , five .

8:28

Now I don't know how old is your son , or two

8:30

he is two , he's

8:33

amazing and he's so like

8:35

, he's growing so fast and just

8:38

I don't know I was . It

8:40

took me probably almost a year to get

8:42

to the point that I was like , okay , I have to just

8:44

like accept that this is my life now and

8:46

I have to figure out , like , how

8:50

this works and then I just have to change

8:52

the way that I work and I have to change

8:54

the way that I show up . But this is an amazing

8:56

little human is here and I got to

8:58

appreciate it . But it

9:01

was hard at first and I'm so glad to hear you

9:03

say , like you , it

9:08

was hard at first and I'm so glad to hear you say , like you , you get it because

9:12

a lot of moms have a hard time saying that .

9:13

Yeah , it's interesting , right ? We often hear

9:16

uh touch on subjects that

9:18

I don't know . The

9:20

conventional , the conventional way

9:23

would be to look the other way . Um

9:25

, but I don't know

9:27

. I feel there's so much shame

9:29

involved in

9:32

how we

9:35

like , how how we see ourselves to

9:37

be mothers , how our

9:39

partners , how our family has . Society

9:42

sees us as mother's kettle

9:44

, whatever , and

9:47

the more we

9:49

don't talk about it , the more

9:51

it stays in the shadows , the

9:54

easier it is for shame to fester and grow

9:56

. And we can't

9:58

deal with shame . We just

10:00

got to be done with this . It's not helping

10:02

us .

10:04

Yeah , that's one thing that I

10:06

look after years of therapy I

10:08

have . That's something that I'm like

10:10

I'm not feeling ashamed for anything . That I feel

10:13

I'm a human being and I'm entitled to feel what I

10:15

feel . Yeah , so I

10:17

had to find my like tribe

10:19

after having a baby because I was like I need

10:21

people who will keep it real with me , like . This

10:24

is not always easy and I'm not not

10:26

very brief backstory my husband and I have

10:28

been together for over a decade . We never planned

10:30

to have children . He was my

10:32

son was a surprise . He was a surprise miracle

10:34

. They told me it wouldn't happen and

10:37

so when we got pregnant , it was like

10:39

what ?

10:40

What's happening ? What is this sick telling me

10:42

?

10:46

He's like this can't be right . And sure enough , my doctor was like oh no

10:48

girl , all the cysts are gone .

10:49

It's not the little baby in there like excuse

10:53

me , can you run the test again please ?

10:57

you like girl , you that this is never

10:59

real , and so I

11:01

am I . One thing that's really

11:03

important to me , like in telling my story

11:05

, is being really honest about it , because I want

11:08

any mother to know like it's okay

11:10

, I didn't get into this necessarily wanting

11:12

it . Now I absolutely love

11:14

it and it's a

11:16

lot of fun and

11:19

. But at first I was like shit

11:21

, I did not . This is what I signed

11:23

up for .

11:25

Oh my god , I'm like are

11:27

we living parallel lives

11:30

? I don't know , it is very sappy , same

11:33

. We have a partner , we've been together

11:35

for years and

11:38

I mean I had my son at 35

11:40

. And

11:43

until the age of 34 , I was like'm

11:45

never gonna have kids like this

11:48

. That like we like

11:50

I don't know . And then suddenly

11:53

the conversations were like you know , we

11:56

will have a great life whether we have kids

11:58

or not . It will just be different . And

12:01

then , like huh , you know , maybe

12:04

we just see what

12:06

happens if we try , because you

12:08

don't know how long trying is going to last you

12:11

anyway . And

12:14

then I don't know , it was like the second

12:17

cycle and I'm like , if

12:19

I do my math correct , I think

12:21

I'm late . So

12:24

I'm like , okay , sure , okay , so it seems like we're

12:26

gonna do this way . Um

12:28

, and I

12:31

was kind of like the last one

12:33

in my circle to have a baby

12:36

. The others , like , were already on , like

12:38

baby two , or had , or stop

12:40

, a baby one . Um , so

12:43

I I got some of the horror

12:45

stories . No

12:48

, I mean there are horror stories . I

12:50

mean there's blood and gore

12:52

and there's no other way to tell

12:54

it . It's a horror story . And

12:59

I'm thankful for that , because

13:03

in my mind I was kind of preparing

13:05

myself for battle in

13:09

a way , you know , like I knew this time

13:12

will be like challenging . But

13:15

boy , I didn't know , I did not know shit

13:17

listen

13:20

, listen .

13:22

I having kids is a

13:24

whirlwind , and one

13:26

of the things that was hard for me to get

13:28

used to was the fact that everything is

13:30

unpredictable . I've

13:33

accepted it now . It's a part of my life and I'm OK with it . Yes , but we need other

13:36

structures if our life is unpredictable , when

13:38

I say because it

13:41

could be oh , you're

13:44

sick because you were in the daycare and

13:46

now the four calls I

13:48

have scheduled for today have to be moved

13:50

, because life is very

13:52

unpredictable , yes , and

13:55

so that was scary

13:57

to me . I will say some of the horror stories

13:59

I heard . I didn't end up having

14:02

horror stories of my own and I'm

14:04

very grateful for that , because

14:07

I have friends who have some horror

14:10

stories and I was already like the

14:12

video they show you in the classes

14:14

when you're pregnant . Refuse

14:16

to watch the video . I

14:19

refuse . I'm not taking that in , I

14:21

don't want it . It I don't . I refuse

14:23

. Yeah , she was like get into the birthing part

14:25

. No , thank you .

14:26

Yeah , don't go placenta , or

14:28

like diameters or

14:31

like .

14:33

I refuse . She started showing the video and I was like

14:35

, okay , I'm going to go and fix myself

14:37

some food now I'm done .

14:39

Fair enough . Yes , fair enough .

14:45

I mean , denial is a wonderful thing , Listen , and I'm so glad because I

14:47

had a great experience . My soul was born to

14:49

Beyonce playing in

14:52

a war room .

14:54

Oh okay , that is nice . Yeah

15:00

, it was lovely , but we kind

15:03

of had to go from let's

15:06

see what's going to happen to oh

15:08

, you're probably in a pre-Klemse state

15:10

so we probably should get this baby out . Oh

15:13

okay , it

15:15

was all the fun . It was all the fun , but

15:19

I'm

15:24

curious how it was for you or how

15:26

it is for you . We

15:29

said already said it's a

15:32

whirlwind , it might be a horror story

15:34

. It's a lot of fun , it's challenging , it's

15:38

all the things and more . And

15:40

that's I don't know part of why

15:42

I love it , because some of the unpredictability

15:45

is like , yes , I'm living off

15:47

this . Some of the unpredictability

15:49

is like , yes , I'm living off this , but I don't know I wasn't prepared

15:52

how much of my

15:55

own shit would come up

15:57

, and especially in relations

15:59

to with my parents

16:02

. Look , or how I've been raised

16:04

. I've been raised and

16:07

like how I am now

16:10

in a position where I

16:12

almost have to reparent myself

16:14

too while I parent a little

16:16

kid , and

16:21

it's wild .

16:27

What was the major things that were stirred for you with the birth

16:29

of your kid like ? So , everything that you explained

16:31

I experienced as well

16:33

. I knew that I wanted to

16:36

parent my son differently . Um

16:38

, oh , you're one of the circle breakers .

16:41

Yes , yeah , we're the circle breakers

16:43

. Go shut it up

16:46

.

16:46

I wanted , it was really important to me

16:48

to raise a son who is

16:50

not just , uh , emotionally

16:53

aware , but emotionally intelligent , who

16:56

knows how to articulate himself

16:58

and what he's feeling . He understands that

17:01

he has options . Anger is one

17:03

emotion . It does not cover frustration

17:06

, disappointment , resentment

17:08

yeah , and or resentment , like there's

17:10

so many other words , and if you

17:12

learn how to communicate effectively , people can understand

17:15

that and understand where you are and

17:17

you can move forward . I

17:19

wanted it's really important

17:21

to me that my son is emotionally

17:24

regulated , that he isn't a man

17:26

who overreacts or goes to anger

17:29

because he is experiencing something else

17:31

and doesn't know how to express it , and

17:33

I wanted to be a safe space

17:35

for him , that whatever he was feeling

17:37

, he could come to me and I'm not going to shut him down

17:39

, I'm not going to discount his experience

17:41

because it's not like mine . I

17:43

read something that said like it

17:46

is prideful as a parent

17:48

if you compare

17:50

how you were raised in your journey

17:52

to your child , because

17:54

you have no way of knowing what

17:56

they're experiencing , because things are constantly

17:59

changing , and that

18:02

resonated really deeply with me .

18:05

This is also what I'm accusing my mom of doing

18:08

.

18:14

The same , the exact same , the exact same , exact same . And it has been interesting

18:17

because the generation

18:19

that raised us didn't

18:22

have as much access to , I

18:25

guess , what the internet has made available

18:27

all of the information and the lessons

18:29

and the quick things that you can learn

18:32

and intake and shift

18:34

so fast . And so

18:36

, since my husband and I

18:38

both had never , we never talked about kids

18:40

or perspectives because we weren't going to have any . That

18:42

was something that we talked about a lot when I was pregnant

18:45

and we got to talk about a lot post-pregnancy

18:47

reparenting ourselves

18:50

, and it made our marriage much better

18:52

. We , in reparenting ourselves

18:54

, we have gotten much better about

18:56

hey , this is kind of what

18:58

I'm feeling . It has absolutely nothing to do

19:00

with you . Yeah , I am frustrated , and

19:03

so if you see me upset , don't think that

19:05

it's about you . This is what's actually happening

19:07

. Or hey , I see that you

19:10

seem frustrated or you seem like really

19:12

down , what's up ? Right

19:14

, being able to articulate

19:17

that a lot better with each other , it's

19:22

been a game changer . But for me , building

19:24

up my sub-emotional intelligence so

19:27

that he does not fall

19:29

into the stupidity of the patriarchy is

19:31

very important to me .

19:35

Oh God , yes , yeah , all

19:39

of this , including the relationship

19:42

part . I

19:59

mean having a kid , I mean it's probably hard on any relationship , I think , because

20:01

you have more needs to take care of and it's very it's been challenging . A lot of

20:03

it gone . You got there at the beginning with this

20:05

constant crying and milk and nappies

20:08

and whatnot .

20:11

That baby phase was not fun . I know some

20:13

people think it's cute , but that was my least favorite part

20:15

. I am really enjoying 2 , and I

20:17

know I've enjoyed 3 , 4 , 5 , 6 , 7 , 8

20:19

, 9 , 10 , because it is no longer .

20:21

That baby phase . Yeah , I

20:24

mean , I

20:26

feel that the baby phase was very interesting

20:29

because it was physically

20:31

so draining , but

20:34

I was so bored

20:36

at the same time , like I was

20:38

like I need mental stimuli

20:40

. I'm like , can I do

20:42

like I don't know a crossword or

20:44

something ? I'm like please

20:47

tell me someone what's going on in the world . Like

20:49

I , yeah , I

20:52

feel all I felt like all my brain was kind of like

20:54

rotted , rotting away . Um

20:57

, and now it's

20:59

like nanny

21:01

started kindergarten last year and I feel like I have some

21:03

of the capacity back because

21:06

like , okay , we're getting into like

21:08

rhythm , as much as that's

21:10

possible anyway . But now

21:13

and this is a cool phase , but it's

21:15

also challenging in other ways we're

21:18

in the getting up , but like

21:20

I don't know having the

21:22

mom when

21:24

will I die ? Questions at six o'clock

21:27

in the morning . And you're like I'm

21:29

not ready . I'm like , okay

21:31

, okay , let's

21:34

like rewind and

21:36

like all these like deep shit questions at six

21:38

o'clock in the morning . And I'm like , okay

21:41

, sure , yes , let's , let's

21:44

talk about death and dying . Sure , like here

21:46

for it . Let's talk about death and dying . Sure , like

21:50

here for it . Or , yeah , she suddenly started

21:53

about like

21:56

how , if

22:00

the kids lose their toys when there

22:02

is a war , you know , and you're like all

22:06

these things . I'm like , wow , yeah

22:08

, I'm like you don't . Yeah , honey

22:11

, well , most likely , yeah , they do . But

22:13

it's like I

22:16

mean I would try to like give

22:19

him age appropriate , like

22:21

not telling him something like , oh , there is no

22:23

war , there is no patriot

22:25

, but kind of like make it age appropriate

22:28

war

22:31

. Or there is no patriot , like , but kind of like make it each appropriate

22:34

. But then again , oh man , how I do like a explain each appropriately the war

22:36

in ukraine , or like the genocide in palestine , and I'm like you gotta

22:38

send some notes over , because I have no idea

22:41

how you explain this oh

22:43

god I'm . I'm swimming in the deep

22:45

here , like I have no idea what I'm doing , but

22:48

yeah , it's really interesting . And what

22:51

a major one

22:53

also for me was how

22:56

relationships change

22:59

and like the

23:01

relationship with myself , yeah

23:04

, and all the others too

23:07

. Like there were people who

23:09

I I thought they're in my life forever and

23:12

they're poof , yeah

23:14

, and there are people who were like , oh , they're

23:17

nice , like whenever we see each

23:19

other , we have a good time , and they really stepped

23:21

up their game and I didn't expect it . What

23:24

was your experience with relationships ?

23:27

um , very similar to yours . Some of my friends

23:30

that I

23:32

have a . I feel like I have a quite

23:34

a even balanced

23:37

circle at times . But

23:39

as I've gotten older , I'm

23:41

friends with a lot of single moms and some

23:43

of my friends I really expected to

23:45

be there for me completely

23:47

disappeared and they weren't . Um

23:50

, and then some of my friends

23:53

really , like you said , stepped

23:55

it up . I will say , at one

23:57

point I did feel abandoned by some

23:59

of my close friends because I feel like when

24:01

they had children I was there , um

24:04

, or you know , I made sure to come and

24:06

see them , I made sure to make sure I could

24:09

come and help and you know , whatever

24:11

it was , and some of my

24:13

close friends , I think , just didn't know how to , how

24:17

to be there because some of them

24:19

didn't have any kids . So

24:21

it's been interesting navigating friendships

24:23

, most motherhood , because

24:26

it really is like this is a major

24:28

life change and and people either

24:30

have to get with it or I'll

24:33

see you in 20 years , I guess , like when

24:35

he goes to college and he's , you

24:37

know , out in his old and maybe we'll be friends again . I

24:39

don't know , but it's like

24:42

in this season it

24:44

it's about him and it's about my husband , and

24:46

when I have the time , I

24:48

am more than ready

24:52

to hold space and capacity for my

24:54

friends and to be there for them , and

24:57

that's something that I really enjoy . I do deeply

24:59

value friendship because I recognize that

25:02

, you know , our parents won't always be here . They are

25:04

family . They

25:12

are family , um , and so I tried my hardest to be there , um , but some people just

25:14

fell by the wayside . And I also have found and I don't know if you've had this too

25:16

, but I also have found that , like post-motherhood

25:19

, my give a f meter

25:21

is also very , very low . Like

25:24

if you can't , if

25:26

you can't rally and understand that I have to

25:28

bring my kid to dinner or we just got to go

25:30

another time , then maybe we

25:32

can just call this another time . And if another time is 20

25:34

years from now , then so be it , because I'm not going to dance

25:37

with you every evening

25:39

and every weekend .

25:40

I don't know what to tell you . Yes

25:42

, I feel like

25:45

that has laid

25:47

out the most ruthlessly that's

25:50

the proper English in my business

25:52

, Like

25:55

I , and it has paid

25:57

off because so far I've never

25:59

had any

26:01

difficult clients

26:04

who couldn't understand

26:06

why I had to push a call , whether

26:09

that had been for health reasons or

26:12

because it related

26:14

something , something . Yeah

26:19

, If you don't

26:22

. Oh , I only had that once . I was

26:24

invited to come on a podcast podcast

26:26

and interestingly

26:29

enough , this person who invited

26:31

me was a

26:33

dude like

26:36

or not

26:39

, we're not , we're not going there

26:41

for now , um , anyway , so

26:43

we , we had

26:45

, because of the time difference , us

26:48

and and Europe , it was already

26:50

kind of tricky to find a meeting . And

26:54

then we found a spot and I told him yeah , that's okay

26:56

, I can do Sunday evening it's

27:00

not usually a time I do

27:02

any kind of work related things but sure , okay

27:04

, let's , if that's the only thing that we can

27:07

swing . Sure , and

27:11

then the day my kid got a fever spike and

27:13

I was like , okay , like I , just I can't do it

27:15

. He's like mommy , mommy , and I'm like

27:17

, okay , no , um , right

27:19

, or these , um . And

27:22

I said , and I wrote him like

27:24

I think , two hours before , like look , this

27:26

is either a super last minute or like maybe

27:29

he'll be fine in two hours because , but

27:31

I just want to like be respectful of your time as

27:34

possible as I possibly can . Um

27:36

, like we have to reschedule

27:39

. I think it's like I

27:41

understand this

27:43

is your decision . I wish you the

27:45

best in life . Then Then he blocked me and

27:48

I'm like well , I mean fair play to

27:50

your boundaries , sir , love

27:52

it .

27:53

And I'm like okay

27:56

, sure , that's one

27:58

way of I feel like these things don't

28:01

happen to me , because God in

28:03

the universe knows . I will snap

28:07

Sir sir , Because

28:10

you know he can't

28:12

possibly have children , Because I feel like it's

28:14

impossible to have kids Like someone who

28:17

is just really like mothering

28:19

his kids and him . And he's

28:22

not involved . It's gotta be that , because there's

28:24

no way that you can have

28:26

children and not develop

28:30

a level of grace . Yeah

28:33

, for people , because you

28:35

cannot control infants

28:38

and babies and toddlers . You

28:40

can't control , right , really

28:43

nothing . Who are you ? Kids

28:45

are just the wow factor that come along

28:47

with it . You can not

28:49

control . You know what I'm saying ? Like stuff that happens

28:51

. So

28:54

, yeah , he must have hated me kids .

28:56

I know , but it was like

28:58

back to my business . It was really nice

29:00

to be very strict with my boundaries

29:02

and , in turn , having

29:05

the clients who are like yeah , sure I get it , let's

29:07

reschedule for like , sure I get it , let's reschedule for like whatever . I

29:10

love that and it's

29:12

so important because otherwise , I don't know

29:15

, I would have loaded

29:17

in my little tiny

29:20

suitcase even more . Oh

29:22

, that brings me to a good topic . Oh

29:25

, mom , guilt .

29:36

I feel like , how

29:39

do you deal with mom guilt , shayla ? I don't know , I don't know . I

29:42

feel like I I don't

29:46

so my mom guilt is around

29:48

, feeling bad when I need a break and I'm over

29:50

it . That's when I have mom

29:52

guilt , because then I feel bad . That are your

29:55

own needs and

29:58

that's when I'm like , oh , and my husband is very

30:00

good about no , going

30:02

downstairs doing their nails , going downstairs

30:05

, you know , go go

30:07

somewhere on saturday , go to brunch , take us

30:09

up to brunch like . He's really good

30:11

about encouraging me

30:13

to take breaks and take stuff away

30:15

and I feel

30:17

bad for wanting them . But

30:20

between him and my best friend , who's a single mom , my

30:22

best friend is like , is it ? You don't get out of there ? Your husband

30:25

told you get out . You need't get out of there . Your husband

30:27

told you get out , you need to get out and

30:29

go . She'll be like

30:31

and stay away all day .

30:36

Change your cell phone number . She

30:39

is like I'm serious about it , I love

30:41

her . Why

30:43

do you think that is , though , that you feel bad

30:46

for your own needs ?

30:49

It's probably a little over the door for my own mom

30:52

, probably Feeling

30:55

like I have to be there and that I have to

30:57

be the one that's present

30:59

and does all the things , what it all

31:01

actually would be . I don't have to .

31:03

An eternal image of what

31:05

has been modeled to you .

31:07

Mm-hmm , mm-hmm

31:09

, and I think that that's

31:11

probably a big part of it . It's

31:14

something that I'm working through well

31:16

, I don't know .

31:17

we're always working through some shit . We

31:20

are , we are . Shall

31:23

we do like a couple of motherhood unplugged

31:26

ones ? Oh yeah , do you want to start off easier ? Shall we

31:28

do like a couple of motherhood unplugged ones ? Oh yeah , I have . Do

31:30

you want to start off easier

31:32

or do you want to go right in

31:35

the deep end ? Go right

31:37

in , okay , oh

31:39

yes . What

31:42

do you feel are some like topics

31:45

related to motherhood you feel

31:47

are still like taboo

31:50

or not really

31:52

discussed as openly as they should

31:54

?

31:59

I feel like it's not talked about enough

32:01

actually how hard the

32:03

first year is . I feel

32:05

like there's a lot of um and I can't think

32:07

of the psychological , like the term

32:09

they use in psychology but it's like a lot

32:12

of like , uh over , like

32:14

, making it sound like it's oh , you'll

32:16

be okay , oh , everyone

32:18

goes through it . No , gaslighting

32:21

, gaslighting , gaslighting . Yeah

32:23

, there's a lot of gaslighting

32:25

around the first year and

32:28

and maybe it's not everybody's

32:30

experience , I don't know , but mine was trash . Okay

32:32

, I didn't enjoy it , I didn't like

32:35

it , it was not fun , it was really

32:37

hard and it really has

32:39

nothing to do with it . For me , it

32:41

didn't have anything to do with my son himself , it was

32:43

me navigating this new person

32:45

, this new life , like so

32:47

much is different , like we're not even talking

32:50

about the physical part of it , like just

32:52

life in general and adjusting and

32:54

adapting . And I'm I've

32:56

been an entrepreneur for years now , so

32:58

it's like figuring out the direction business

33:01

is going to go and everything

33:03

. Like it was a lot all at once and

33:06

it was trash . And I feel like not enough people

33:08

talk about that and especially

33:10

, I can only imagine how challenging

33:12

it has to be for people who go back to work , working

33:14

for somebody else . That's got to be hard

33:16

, yeah , and I feel like we don't . We

33:19

there needs to be more space held for

33:21

women . Like I know , in other countries

33:23

they get a year off you need a year

33:26

off .

33:27

Oh god , yes , I mean we get , I

33:29

got . Oh no , not

33:31

well , we got , we get three

33:34

months off , which is better

33:37

than nothing , but I mean three months is

33:39

just you recovering to

33:44

a level where you like barely

33:47

functional again ? I mean

33:50

not that it's a green light , I

33:52

was still like more

33:56

time is needed .

33:57

I feel like that's one of those things that needs to be talked

33:59

about and I think it is absolutely

34:01

not . I feel like I don't hear anybody talking about

34:03

it or offering any advice for the

34:05

couples . Like your

34:07

post , your relationship

34:10

, post baby , it

34:13

is so different . My

34:16

husband and I were that couple that went on dates every

34:18

other weekend , every single month . Yeah

34:21

, I could probably count

34:23

on one hand how many dates we've had the last

34:25

two years , because it's

34:28

just different . Where are we

34:30

going to put him ? Who's ?

34:31

going to watch him . So , boys

34:33

and girls , take it from your wife's

34:35

friends here . A

34:38

baby will not fix your relationship

34:40

At all At

34:43

all .

34:43

If anything , it makes it way more

34:45

challenging .

34:46

And if you don't go into parenthood

34:48

like consciously , like okay

34:51

, I'm gonna probably have to repair myself in some

34:53

areas yeah , I'm gonna fuck shit up like

34:56

we're gonna hate each other's guts at least a

34:58

couple times a day , but we'll wake

35:00

up at the end yep

35:02

, exactly , and it's definitely

35:05

the sex part I

35:07

feel like I'm gonna talk about in that way .

35:09

Sex is very different for the woman post-sex

35:12

, post-baby Like . Even sometimes

35:14

the mental load of

35:16

running a family can

35:19

impact your sex life and that's not

35:21

talked about in the gender . Yeah

35:23

, it's not no conversation about like okay , now

35:26

I feel weird because I am like I breastfed for

35:28

18 months . You kind of can't tell

35:30

me 24 .

35:32

Mm-hmm , like it

35:34

was a little , did you know ? My midwife

35:36

told me this and I was like that

35:39

, like she

35:42

. They say you're

35:45

fully recovered from

35:47

putting a child into this world

35:49

. Like fully

35:51

recovered , in the sense of your hormones

35:54

are back to the way they were before

35:56

. Okay , roughly

35:59

12 to 18 months after

36:01

you stopped breastfeeding .

36:05

I mean , and

36:08

the guy , there's a guy I don't

36:10

know his name , he's not american

36:13

, but he has a huge following . I

36:15

found him when I was pregnant and he

36:17

said that a

36:20

woman's body takes like years

36:22

to recover after baby like

36:24

, and for everything to regulate

36:26

and get back to a new normal . It

36:29

takes years , if ever I've heard

36:31

that .

36:31

I mean my feet are a size bigger .

36:33

Now I don't think they'll freak again right

36:36

, like so much , stuff changes and I had

36:38

heard that it takes a while and it is

36:40

after you start breastfeeding , so , like it

36:43

hasn't been a year , for me , now that

36:45

we look , now that we're talking about it , hasn't even been a year . But

36:48

yeah , stuff is still regulating

36:50

and and it's

36:52

a new normal that your body has to figure

36:54

out , yeah , yeah I

36:56

feel , another taboo topic

36:58

in .

37:01

I mean , we're slowly talking about

37:03

things like mental load , at least

37:05

over here , very slowly , very

37:07

slowly , but just

37:09

the whole like

37:12

somatic experience

37:14

of it I

37:16

don't know , like

37:20

how traumatic it is for the body and

37:23

like how giving birth is probably one

37:26

of the most like intense

37:28

experiences or like dangerous

37:30

experiences you can have and

37:34

like just all the

37:36

I don't know the blood

37:38

and the guts and everything , like

37:41

I'm like I

37:43

don't know , maybe I should have watched that video .

37:47

Look , I couldn't watch it . I couldn't watch it .

37:50

I'm like , yeah , it's not a sanitary

37:52

thing , but and

37:54

I mean , oh , you

37:56

know what ? I would have wished that

37:59

someone would have told me what

38:01

? Should we go there

38:04

? Yes , we should , no , no

38:06

, dad . Well , I mean , I had

38:08

a C-section , so that might be different . But anyway

38:10

, if you have a C-section , I have a C-section , so that might be different , but anyway , if you have a C-section

38:12

, I have a C-section , yeah . So if you have a C-section

38:14

, make sure that before they reel

38:16

you in , you get one good

38:19

last dump , because

38:22

the first time you have to take a

38:24

number two after it's

38:27

shit , it's bad

38:29

.

38:31

It's really bad .

38:32

I don't even remember , oh no

38:34

, I remember , because I had I

38:36

lost . I lost a little blood , um

38:39

, because some things didn't rip as they were

38:41

supposed to , whatever , um

38:43

, and so I

38:45

had to take iron . And I'm like

38:47

, listen people , I

38:50

know how this iron thing works . If I

38:52

have to do tablets , then

38:54

I'll be constipated until

38:56

the end of time , but

38:59

your levels are not low enough for an IV . I'm

39:04

like I have no capacity

39:06

to argue now . Okay , sure , sure

39:17

, I was so constipated that first dump

39:20

was harder than actual fucking childbirth , like I kid you not . I wish someone would

39:22

have told me . I'm trying to remember I was . It was

39:24

so bad , and then I talked to you , remember

39:26

they all had like similar experiences

39:29

, so I felt like this should be on a manual

39:31

somewhere for c-section so

39:34

actually like so I remember during

39:36

pregnancy .

39:37

So when I was pregnant , my

39:40

a good friend of mine was pregnant and

39:42

my husband's sister and

39:44

first cousin were pregnant . We were all pregnant at the

39:47

same time and they all

39:49

speaking of horror stories had their babies literally

39:51

within a two-week time span before

39:53

I had my c-section and all

39:55

of them went in for vaginal births and ended up having c-sections

39:57

. So I was like , excuse me , I'm

40:00

not going to schedule a c-section yeah , we're not going to do that

40:02

. We're not waiting . Yeah , so

40:04

I ended up scheduling it . But what I remember

40:07

during pregnancy is like I actually

40:09

was PMI more regular

40:11

than I was beforehand . So I

40:13

don't remember . I don't remember afterwards

40:15

. Afterwards I feel like I was too

40:18

busy like drowning and breastfeeding

40:20

and figuring out , so a lot of things get blurry

40:23

yeah , I'm

40:25

very I have . I wish I had written

40:27

. I have it on

40:29

my list of things to do now to start

40:31

a journal for

40:33

my son . I want to start writing for him and

40:37

I wish I had started earlier because there are some things that

40:39

are just blurring Like it

40:42

was hazy the not sleeping

40:44

, the not . Yeah , I feel like we're just

40:46

getting into his molars are coming in

40:48

, so some of the nights the last couple of

40:50

weeks have been a little rough . Oh don't . Yeah , I remember't

40:53

for the most part . Listen , it's been

40:55

rough for the most part . He's like sleeping through

40:57

the night now , and so

40:59

it's been like

41:01

it's much . It's much better . My

41:03

sleep is off and I don't know if it's permanent

41:06

, but at least he

41:08

is sleeping through the night . Um , that

41:10

is good it's been different .

41:15

I mean , we have like a family bed , co-sleeping kind of situation , and

41:19

like I'm wide

41:22

awake when he just makes

41:24

as little as I

41:27

don't know , it's something biological . I

41:29

cannot turn this off . I'm

41:32

awake . Awake , yes . What

41:34

do you need ?

41:34

water bottle , like I got you covered

41:37

I'd partner with his end of the same

41:39

I . I kicked . Now

41:41

that was one thing I didn't want to do because I was like I

41:43

don't want him in bed so we can come

41:45

out . We co-slept for a long time

41:48

and then I only get about nine

41:50

months and we're like all right , you gotta go in your

41:52

room , so um so

41:54

did you manage that ?

41:56

we fail like or we do with that , just

41:58

we try girl , I

42:00

love my man .

42:01

I needed my man next to me .

42:03

This is very true this is very

42:05

true and what I need .

42:06

My man everywhere else , but just the bad

42:09

during night is tricky what

42:12

I told myself was one day this

42:15

little boy is gonna come up to me and go

42:17

mom , I love her and I want to marry her , and

42:20

at that point , is my marriage

42:22

reflective of what he's gonna work

42:24

, or will

42:27

I have sacrificed my marriage to

42:30

have this baby in bed with me ? Yeah and I was like

42:32

you know what ? No , he gotta go he

42:34

gotta go so . But I am

42:36

very quick to be like , um , he's coughing

42:38

, yeah , leave a needle with us

42:42

.

42:43

It's right , it's always these . I

42:45

, I , just , I like every year . Um

42:47

, I'm in a kind of co-working network group . We

42:50

all work in a mode , but once a year we get together and

42:52

hang out , be social for a couple of days . I

42:54

love it . I know it's

42:57

our non-work work trip . We

43:00

don't talk shop . So last week we

43:03

went to Ireland and

43:06

it's like it's

43:09

bliss . I can eat

43:11

all of my food in the

43:13

pace I want .

43:15

I can go to the bathroom when

43:18

I want , all by myself

43:20

for me it's

43:22

I can take my time and do my makeup

43:24

without any interruption

43:26

oh , that's nice too .

43:28

Yeah , yeah , I

43:30

have my . I could do my nails , or I can do

43:32

my hair or whatever . It is

43:34

that makes you happy uninterruptedly

43:37

.

43:38

Uninterrupted . I had my first brand

43:41

trip since I had a baby this past

43:43

literally this past weekend and

43:45

it was amazing . It

43:48

was amazing Like , yes , the sleep was great , but

43:50

in confession I still had his little monitor on . You know , I still have the app was great

43:52

, but in confession , I still had his little monitor on . You know , I still have the app

43:54

on my phone , so I still had it on miles

43:57

away , but I , at least

43:59

, um , was able to

44:01

, like , take my time and get ready . I'm

44:04

the primary parent because of whether

44:06

my husband has to go to work so literally every

44:08

morning , I don't look like this . I look

44:10

insane in the morning because I'm trying to get him

44:12

ready so I can get him to stay here

44:14

. I look crazy , and

44:17

so it was nice to be able to

44:19

have the weekend to like , oh , I'm

44:21

gonna do my makeup every

44:23

day

44:26

and yeah , and

44:28

yet you already mentioned it .

44:30

We're living in this weird parallel

44:35

thing where we're like , oh

44:37

, freedom , independence , but

44:40

I miss this teeny tiny , warm , ugly

44:42

face . Yes , right , is that

44:44

you really have

44:46

to break the the black

44:49

and white thing ?

44:50

it it's all of this

44:52

at the same time and it's , it

44:54

is so much every day , it's every day

44:56

it is I feel like every day I I take

44:59

him to school and I'm like , oh , I'm so glad he's in school and

45:01

usually by the end of the day I'm like I

45:04

can't wait to see my little bud do

45:09

you ?

45:10

do you have any ? Like I'd

45:13

say they're . They're

45:15

not weird per

45:18

se , but no fear is

45:20

weird . All fears are legit , but

45:23

I've I sometimes

45:25

some weird fears creep up

45:27

on me , like , oh , I

45:30

don't know . Like , for example

45:33

, where he

45:35

was little , he was like tucked away

45:38

safely in his stroller and

45:41

there was , we were walking over a bridge

45:43

and I'm like what

45:46

if a gush of

45:48

wind comes now and

45:50

throws the stroller over

45:53

the bridge ? What

45:55

a stir . What am

45:57

I going to do ? And

46:00

then I'm like what ? This

46:03

is like mom brain on steroids , like

46:06

this is not going to happen . I

46:08

definitely had that .

46:11

There's a oh my God

46:13

there . There's a terminal , there's a term

46:15

for it , my I

46:18

can't think of what the word is , but

46:21

I definitely catastrophizing

46:24

. I definitely catastrophize

46:26

, um , and it's even worse

46:29

because I'm a alone and

46:31

I've never thought about my own death so much

46:33

, which is probably very morbid and weird

46:36

, but I've really , I thought about it a lot because

46:38

it can also help to make you

46:40

prepared .

46:43

It is very .

46:44

I mean , we're practically here , okay

46:47

, listen , I'm like I gotta make sure

46:49

he he has everything he

46:51

needs in case something happens to

46:53

me . And so like , yes

46:55

, you always say thank you when someone gives something to you

46:58

, and when a woman is walking

47:00

by , you need to open the door for her . You

47:02

need to be kind to people . If

47:04

you offend someone , it's okay to say sorry

47:06

, even if you don't understand . Right

47:08

Like it's all of these like important

47:11

life lessons again .

47:13

What can I squeeze out of my brain ?

47:15

that I'm like you need

47:17

right now , every day . Um , so

47:19

I feel like that's probably probably

47:22

the weirdest , the weirdest thing that I

47:24

have thought about it . I try not to think about it much

47:27

. Um , we recently lost

47:29

a classmate and

47:31

she has a study to her own

47:33

and oh

47:35

thanks it was . It was sudden

47:38

and it was really , and so last week

47:40

I thought about it a lot because

47:42

I was just like that and it was a car accident

47:45

like it's something that could happen to

47:47

anyone . It wasn't anything crazy , it was

47:49

a car accident . So it's just like you

47:52

know . It just makes you think about how

47:54

much you've done , how much you you poured

47:56

into this little person , but then also I

47:59

don't want to leave them . It's

48:01

a big part of it . I'll just I don't want to leave them

48:03

and never

48:06

loved a little person so much I

48:10

know they're so little and then

48:12

our love for them is so big . They

48:17

really is .

48:22

I am . Oh , okay

48:26

, we're going to end with one , with one interesting

48:28

one , because I have some

48:30

stories and I'm sure you have some too . Have

48:33

you ever experienced mom shaming

48:35

? Have

48:39

you ever been shamed for the way you parent

48:41

your kid , or apparently parent

48:43

your kid by some random stranger you've

48:46

met , or something ?

48:49

I haven't by a stranger and I would advise

48:51

no one ever do that

48:53

Very solid advice . Yes

48:55

, look , I don't have the capacity and

48:57

I will probably say yes .

49:00

Yeah , I have . My tolerance

49:02

for bullshit is very low these days .

49:05

Very , very low . I feel like I

49:07

have felt the mom shamed by

49:09

relative at

49:11

times because I am

49:13

choosing to parent differently and

49:17

the choices that I make

49:19

may not necessarily be what

49:21

was done when I was a child .

49:24

So I have felt mom shame well , I mean

49:26

, house prices are not the same , egg prices are

49:28

not the same since then , so why should we parent the same

49:30

just ?

49:32

exactly , and that's literally always my

49:34

point , like everything is literally

49:36

different . It's yeah , 20 times

49:38

the car .

49:39

I know so much more about childhood development

49:41

and trauma and brain development and like

49:43

wait , wait , wait . Should we keep on doing shit that didn't

49:46

clearly didn't work , because we are all in

49:48

therapy ?

49:50

when I say me and my friends talk about that all the time

49:52

Like clearly it didn't

49:54

work because all of the millennials are in therapy , so stop

49:56

judging us for the way we're choosing

49:58

to parent .

50:00

Oh no . Then comes the killer argument . Well

50:04

, we suffered through , we lived through

50:06

, this through , and it didn't hurt us . We're still

50:09

here kicking .

50:11

And it's like , if that's what you base your parenting

50:13

off of , then if that's your baseline

50:16

.

50:16

Awkward , you're barely

50:18

surviving is like your baseline , sure

50:21

?

50:22

listen . It's

50:25

been , and so

50:27

I had to work through my feelings on

50:29

that a lot and

50:32

I'm saying my most recent therapist was amazing . I one

50:35

thing I will do that . One thing I've learned

50:38

was like learning how to just be

50:40

okay with my feelings . And if you

50:42

are bold and bad enough to question something

50:45

I'm doing with my child or with my husband

50:47

, then be bold and bad enough to receive

50:49

my response , because

50:51

I'm going to respond . I'm not holding it in

50:53

. I'm not having most women , like

50:55

so many women , die of heart attacks . I'm not dying

50:57

of a heart attack . I'm not holding in stress because

51:00

I'm upset because you offended me or

51:02

you hurt my feelings or you

51:04

know . If you're bad enough to comment

51:06

on what I'm doing , be bad enough to hear

51:08

back my response . That's

51:10

really bad , bad .

51:11

That reminds me of one

51:14

of my pregnancy stories . Yeah

51:18

, it was , I

51:20

don't know two or three weeks before I gave

51:22

birth and it was like

51:25

super hot . It was like end

51:28

of June . It was super hot and sweaty

51:30

, it was gross . And I was on the bus

51:32

we do buses here in Europe and

51:35

I was on a bus and then there was this elderly

51:38

lady , I don't know , early

51:40

70s or something like that , and

51:42

she came up to me and was

51:44

like I know , I know , you're only like oh

51:47

God , girl , don't tell me more . Anyway

51:49

, she came up to me and she's

51:51

like oh , pregnancy is such a miracle

51:53

. And then , while

51:56

she said that , she put

51:58

her hands on my

52:00

belly and

52:04

I , fucking , I lost

52:06

it . I'm like , excuse me , I'm

52:09

not fucking public property , and

52:12

I touched her boobs . I

52:16

was like is this feeling comfortable

52:18

, me touching your boobs

52:20

? Yeah , this feels

52:22

great . Or like I don't know , is this the kind

52:24

of media you like ? I snapped . I

52:27

snapped in the entire bus . I went like ballistic

52:29

no , that's so good

52:31

. I couldn't Like . I was just like it was

52:34

hot , I wanted to go home , I was

52:36

thirsty , I was hungry , I was so

52:38

not regulated . And then

52:40

the audacity .

52:46

That would have made my day .

52:48

Did not sign up for this .

52:50

That would have made my day . I don't understand

52:54

the world's obsession

52:56

with commenting on pregnant women's bodies

52:58

. I really don't understand .

52:59

I mean women's bodies in general Women's bodies

53:01

Before , after , during .

53:05

Because even when people are like , oh my God , you lost

53:07

so much weight and blah , blah , blah , I'm like , okay

53:10

, I was diabetic

53:12

, I didn't have a choice . So it's not like

53:15

I'm just this mom that's like oh my God , yeah

53:17

, I'm super , like I'm trying to modding

53:19

up on insulin . So this

53:22

is not normal though . So don't think that

53:24

this is it's okay , and I tell

53:26

people that all the time , like what

53:28

? Regardless of what happens at the baby , worry

53:33

about your mental health first . You can get to the physical body right , like it's the constant

53:35

commenting and comparing women like oh , she

53:37

bounced back , she's so skinny

53:40

oh , she's getting a lot of weight and I'm just like why

53:43

? and the touching ? You handled

53:45

that perfectly because , like

53:49

, I don't like to be touched when I'm not pregnant , so

53:51

I can't imagine what I would have done if somebody had done

53:53

that really .

53:54

And then somehow you become public property

53:57

and all the people tell you

53:59

their pregnancy stories , whether

54:01

you want to hear them or not , and you're like

54:03

, and

54:05

you hear stories of , like , how they lost their

54:07

babies and like , like I'm super , super

54:09

sad this happened to you , but

54:12

this is no . I

54:14

do not want to hear about your miscarriage

54:16

, like a week before I'm scheduled to give birth

54:18

. Thank you very much .

54:21

Yeah , I'm not a and

54:25

I'm wondering and I don't know why

54:27

people do that either . I'm very

54:30

much like oh you're pregnant . Congratulations . That's

54:32

it . That's all I have to say .

54:33

Yeah , if they want to share more , I'm

54:35

happy to listen . They want to ask questions

54:37

? All right , yeah , no unsolicited

54:39

advice , no unsolicited stories .

54:42

I'm not giving unsolicited advice or unsolicited

54:44

stories because you may not want to hear it . Your

54:47

experience might not be mine . Like

54:49

a lot of people , people I never

54:51

share my birth story because so many people

54:53

have horror stories and my birth story

54:55

was great , so like I

54:57

keep it to myself because it's just

55:00

like I don't . I didn't like that when I was pregnant

55:02

, like people imposing their experiences

55:06

on me , and so I am

55:08

. I try to be very thoughtful , even

55:11

with I'm like other moms

55:13

with their newborns , with their whatever I'm

55:15

like . If you have questions , you

55:17

can come ask me . Otherwise I'm

55:19

going to stay over here because I don't . Every

55:22

child is different and what works for

55:25

one won't work for another . Right Like

55:27

, so it's just like I

55:30

wish the world would learn to mind their business , but

55:34

I don't think social

55:36

media is really helping them ?

55:40

Yeah , probably not . And

55:43

I mean God . Yeah , oh

55:46

God , the amount of unsolicited

55:48

advice I got when , one time

55:50

, I shared a picture of

55:52

baby wearing .

55:55

Thank you .

56:00

Thank you all , random strangers of the internet

56:02

, for the concern of the posture of

56:04

my newborn , I

56:06

guess .

56:09

I don't share any pictures of my son Now

56:11

that he's older .

56:12

So now that he's older or something , now

56:15

that he's older , occasionally I'll

56:17

have , like you'll see , the back of his head exactly

56:19

the back of the head , or a hand or a feet or

56:21

a foot or something like that , or

56:24

like him , but like his face has like

56:26

a smiley sticker on it or something like that . But

56:29

children are not your content yep

56:31

, they have their right to their own picture

56:34

or something like that . But children are not your content , yep . They

56:37

have their right to their own

56:40

picture and if they cannot consent you ?

56:41

Exactly , that's exactly why I didn't . I

56:43

was like you know what ? He is his own person , he's

56:46

his own autonomy , and that was something that I

56:48

learned , I

56:50

had to learn and repair myself on . Because

56:53

it's up to him

56:55

if he wants to participate in

56:57

social media , it is up to him if he wants

56:59

to and even my husband

57:01

laughs and jokes about it . But , like , I give him

57:03

choices for a lot of things . Um

57:06

, partially because I want him to be in very

57:08

independent , but also because

57:11

I want him to know that it's

57:13

okay for him to be who he is . He

57:15

does not have to be who mommy wants him to be , daddy

57:18

wants him to be . You be who you are

57:20

. If you like it , you like it , if you don't , you

57:22

don't . So that's our

57:24

. That is how I parent

57:26

, very like , everybody has their own

57:28

autonomy and so , yeah

57:31

, yes , like 100 like

57:33

we , we also

57:35

do the doctor's visits .

57:37

Like we explain it , look like you gotta like

57:40

you get the vaccines now , um

57:42

, and he was always a good sport , um

57:45

, but we always talk

57:47

to the doctor and just kind of like , well , and

57:49

we have a very good pediatrician . She

57:52

always asks like , look , I'm gonna do this

57:54

now . Is this okay ? Um

57:56

, and if not , we would have gone

57:58

back another time because , yeah

58:01

, like I mean there

58:04

, he knows that there's certain things where

58:06

we have to kind of like overrule him , like

58:08

when it comes to health decisions , because he cannot make them himself

58:11

. But he chooses

58:13

what he wears , he chooses the length

58:15

of his hair , and he knows

58:17

, now that he has blonde

58:19

long locks , that he gets mistaken

58:21

for a girl all the time , which is something he has

58:24

to live with . But then he's

58:26

like I'm not a girl , I'm a boy . Fair

58:28

enough . That

58:34

reminds me of one of the mob shockers

58:36

, or like it probably was a grandma

58:38

, I don't know , don't want to judge , and anyway

58:41

, we were in the playground . He

58:43

was like maybe two and a half at a time , or

58:45

yeah , two and a half , and

58:50

it is this blonde lock , like angel lock , like super curly

58:52

, like little pigtigtail , and then she's like , oh , oh , this lovely

58:54

young girl . And then

58:56

, with the blonde locks , um , I think

58:59

I

59:04

did another one of my snap moments . I

59:06

was like , well , his

59:08

name is finn and he is a boy

59:10

, until he tells

59:13

us otherwise . She's

59:15

like widely

59:18

removing herself from the scene and I'm like

59:20

bye-bye , good

59:22

riddance .

59:25

Those are my little pockets of joy where

59:27

I'm like , yeah

59:30

, it

59:32

can be hard to tell at times what

59:34

is all of it . Could I be an ass ?

59:38

Just ask if you're not sure . I mean , if

59:40

you're not sure of someone , before you assume

59:42

somebody's gender or

59:45

sexuality

59:47

, religion , just ask , like , what's the big

59:49

deal ? Ask , what are your preferred

59:52

pronouns ? I

59:55

don't know , but anyway , that's it . I

59:59

just thought of one last question . No

1:00:01

, actually the second last , it was the same Second

1:00:03

last . What's the most

1:00:06

useful shit you

1:00:08

bought for your baby ? Oh

1:00:11

, that's a good question

1:00:13

. I mean , we're not giving unsolicited

1:00:16

advice . You're still here , so this is solicited . What's

1:00:20

the dumbest shit ? You bought the most useless

1:00:22

shit , most

1:00:24

useless . I don't care about useful

1:00:26

, I care about the most useless . Oh , useless

1:00:29

, yes , useless . Oh , I mean , you can also share

1:00:31

me the most useful . But

1:00:33

the useless is always more

1:00:35

interesting because you buy some crap that you

1:00:37

think you're going to need because I

1:00:40

don't know . You scrolled TikTok

1:00:42

at 3 o'clock in the morning and then you bought something

1:00:44

on Amazon and you're like nah , I

1:00:48

would not say this happened to me .

1:00:51

We did not have to buy a lot

1:00:53

of stuff , but some things that

1:00:55

we did not use was probably

1:01:00

we

1:01:03

ended up with a whole bunch of bad stuff

1:01:05

, a lot

1:01:08

of like random

1:01:10

stuff that I recently packed

1:01:12

it all up completely and opened and sent

1:01:15

it off to the grills . We

1:01:18

had a lot . We had two Baptists . We had a lot

1:01:20

of extra stuff , though . I

1:01:25

the baby washcloths . I hate them

1:01:27

. We use them on this face now , but

1:01:31

they're like small and

1:01:33

they don't sun now , but they're

1:01:36

like small and they don't sud and they're weird . My mom made

1:01:38

a ton of washcloths for him and

1:01:40

we love those because they're normal size

1:01:43

and they suds

1:01:45

really well . Um , so I really like

1:01:47

the one she gave us . We did not not use

1:01:50

and we had a lot . I probably

1:01:52

had at least 50 wash balls , baby wash

1:01:54

balls Wow , and I'm like what

1:01:57

Are people actually using these ?

1:01:59

We didn't use them . I know

1:02:01

we had them too and I'm like , yeah

1:02:03

, we even , I don't know as a babe over your shoulder

1:02:05

if they break our hand .

1:02:06

Yeah , like I didn't , we didn't use them like

1:02:08

that . Probably the most useful

1:02:11

thing which my

1:02:13

family it grows my family out , but

1:02:15

it was very helpful . Someone

1:02:17

that knows everything , oh

1:02:19

yeah , and so good .

1:02:21

I love that thing . I love helping my baby

1:02:23

. It was , it's so weirdly , a fantastic . It's

1:02:25

so gross .

1:02:27

I know right , and my husband was like I'm not doing

1:02:29

that .

1:02:30

I'm like wait , no

1:02:33

, we were actually kind of fighting about it because we're also both

1:02:35

like oh , there's a pinball , Can we like push

1:02:37

it . So we're both like

1:02:40

but it was your turn

1:02:42

last time , it was

1:02:44

my night .

1:02:47

I was very excited to do it . Every time

1:02:49

I'm like , oh , I get to clear your nose out , I'm

1:02:51

happy to help .

1:02:53

I mean , how much stuff does fit in those tiny

1:02:55

noses ? It's amazing .

1:03:00

I'm like where is this coming from ?

1:03:01

You're not that big , no Like

1:03:04

is your whole belly filled with snot . I

1:03:07

have no idea . It's still one of the big mysteries

1:03:09

of life , like I have no idea . It's one of the big mysteries of life Like

1:03:12

I have no idea .

1:03:14

It really is .

1:03:17

Oh , my god , I could talk to you about

1:03:19

Motherhood Unplugged for a

1:03:22

long , long time , shayla . I

1:03:24

could too . Before

1:03:29

I let you go , let

1:03:31

us know where can people find you . If people

1:03:34

be like oh , I want to see

1:03:36

the all the other sides of shayla , not

1:03:38

just the mom side , where can people find you ?

1:03:41

uh well , I am on social media

1:03:43

at shayla bernardo or at

1:03:45

black girls wine , if you're a wine lover

1:03:47

, and whoever can follow my journey .

1:03:51

Perfect . I'm

1:03:56

such a wine snob Like

1:03:58

I just drink . I have

1:04:00

friends who are very good with wine , so I'm

1:04:02

always trusting their opinion and

1:04:05

if it's a Portuguese wine I'm like yeah

1:04:07

, sure , whatever , that's fine . And

1:04:11

one last question before I let you off the hook . It's

1:04:13

a question I always ask what

1:04:18

book are you currently reading , or what

1:04:20

?

1:04:20

audiobook . Are you currently listening to Potty

1:04:24

Training ?

1:04:25

Oh , or what episode are you currently

1:04:28

on ?

1:04:29

A little bit . I'm like I am currently reading

1:04:31

Proven Five

1:04:33

Steps Potty Training in One Weekend

1:04:36

.

1:04:37

That's a little messy . I mean , that's

1:04:39

very important .

1:04:42

I am trying to master potty training but other

1:04:44

than that , scale

1:04:46

or fail , oh

1:04:48

, scale or fail , oh okay

1:04:50

. I am taking the digital

1:04:53

marketing agency to the next level , working

1:04:55

with new clients

1:04:58

, exciting clients , and want to scale the

1:05:00

business . So PLR fail that

1:05:02

sounds good .

1:05:03

We're going to list those on

1:05:06

the show notes and in a scenic

1:05:08

library . So if you're ever

1:05:10

short on reading what to read next

1:05:12

or you have to polytrain a toddler , you

1:05:15

know where you find a literature to do it . Sheila

1:05:19

, it has been a blast

1:05:21

. Thank you so much for joining me on a scenic

1:05:23

route .

1:05:25

Yes , thank you for having me , Jennifer . This was a

1:05:27

lot of fun .