0:02

When you look at yourself in the mirror, how

0:05

do you expect to talk to yourself? When

0:09

you make a mistake, what

0:11

do you tell yourself? When

0:13

you go into the kitchen to

0:15

get something to eat, what

0:18

do you grab and how much do you eat? When

0:21

your body is tired, how do you

0:23

treat it? When you

0:25

are around people, how do you

0:27

expect to be treated? The

0:30

answers to those questions reveal your

0:32

what I call self-love standards and

0:34

in this episode we're talking about

0:37

potentially raising them so that

0:39

you will have a more fulfilling and beautiful

0:41

life. So let's dive in. Welcome

0:48

to the School of Self-image where

0:51

personal development meets style. Here's

0:53

your hostess Master Life Coach Tanya

0:55

Lee. Hello

0:58

friends and welcome back to the

1:00

podcast. Today we are

1:02

talking about all things self-love

1:06

but I'm not going to be talking

1:08

about fluffy feelings and wishful thinking. I

1:11

want to talk about the

1:13

power of self-love standards. Yep,

1:16

this is all about your standards

1:18

for your own love, what

1:20

you expect of yourself. A

1:22

standard is defined as

1:25

what is accepted as normal

1:27

or average. So

1:29

when it comes to your own self-love, what have

1:31

you accepted as normal

1:33

or average? Do you

1:36

tend to yourself? Do you

1:38

trust yourself? Do you speak kindly

1:40

to yourself? What do

1:43

you expect of yourself when

1:45

it comes to your own self-love?

1:49

One of the things that I often tell members of

1:51

the School of Self-image is you don't get what you

1:53

want, you get what you expect and

1:56

when it comes to how we treat

1:58

ourselves there are certain things that we

2:00

expect. And if you

2:02

think about it, we often expect what we

2:05

have tolerated from the past, what

2:07

we have repeated from the past. And

2:10

so today I'm going to be challenging you

2:12

to look into the future as

2:14

to how you want to treat yourself and

2:16

let's start building off of that. For

2:19

me personally, I used to dream

2:22

of being a woman who loved herself. Like

2:24

I would see women out in

2:26

the wild who I

2:28

considered to be women who just

2:30

appeared to me to have a

2:33

respect and a love for themselves.

2:35

And as much as I

2:37

wanted it, I didn't understand how to

2:39

create it. And so I thought

2:41

that myself will self love is going

2:44

to get pedicures, it's taking care of

2:46

your skin. And so I started there,

2:48

but I realized it's way deeper than

2:50

that. It was

2:52

really about me setting standards

2:54

for what I expected of

2:56

myself for my own treatment.

2:59

And so I like to think of

3:02

it like building a haven for your inner self.

3:05

Like you wouldn't decorate your house

3:07

with things that bring you down, right? You

3:10

wouldn't tolerate cracks in the foundation. And

3:13

so self love standards are like

3:15

you saying, I deserve a beautiful,

3:17

strong space to thrive. And I'm

3:19

setting the guidelines and the rules

3:22

to make it happen. So

3:25

we're going to start this conversation out with

3:27

the power of self talk, that

3:30

constant chatter in our heads. And

3:32

for me, it used to be this relentless critic,

3:35

always chipping away at my confidence, time

3:37

you're not good enough, they're better than

3:40

you. You don't have what it takes. Look

3:42

where you came from. That's not possible for a

3:44

girl like you. And I

3:46

realized all of those thoughts

3:49

were simply that they were

3:52

just thoughts. And I thought about the

3:54

future me, that version that I

3:56

dreamed about the one that loved herself, how

3:59

would she speak to you? herself. And

4:01

so I literally created a rule

4:04

for myself that

4:06

I would not speak unkindly

4:08

to myself. I

4:11

refuse to accept that negativity. Now

4:13

that doesn't mean I don't have

4:15

some crazy thoughts come in my head because I

4:17

do, but I don't

4:19

hang on to them. I don't

4:22

coddle them. I don't nurture them.

4:24

I don't make them grow stronger.

4:28

I just notice them. And

4:30

I asked myself, does a woman

4:32

who loves herself, does she allow

4:34

that kind of thought to

4:37

get beyond her red velvet rope? And

4:39

if not, I've just learned and I've practiced

4:42

for years just letting it go, redirecting

4:44

my attention, deciding in

4:46

those moments what I want to think

4:48

and believe about myself. I

4:51

am always giving myself pep talks every

4:54

single day. I'll pass myself in the mirror and

4:56

I'll be like, girl, I am so proud

4:58

of you. In fact, I was at a

5:00

video shoot a couple days

5:03

ago and I had

5:05

a moment in the bathroom when I was

5:07

changing clothes and I just looked at myself

5:10

and I was like, girl, look

5:12

at you. Look at what you've

5:14

created. Look at who you've

5:16

become. Look at the

5:18

lives that you've impacted. Like take

5:21

a moment and just really be

5:24

proud of yourself. I literally gave

5:26

myself that pep talk in the

5:28

mirror and I do this all of the

5:30

time, especially when things are

5:32

hard, especially when I have fallen down

5:34

and felled sometimes publicly. That's when you

5:36

need it the most. And oftentimes that's

5:38

when we're the meanest to ourselves. But

5:40

I just refuse to do that. I

5:42

think about the little girl in me

5:45

who didn't get some of these things. And

5:47

I'm like, now I get to be the one to give

5:49

them to you. And so I love

5:51

picking myself up and being like, girl, I'm so proud

5:53

of you for trying. I am

5:55

so proud of you for putting yourself out there. You

5:58

are smart. You are kind. You

6:02

are beautiful. You have

6:04

what it takes. Go

6:07

get it, girl. Like this is the kind of stuff I

6:09

say to myself. It may sound silly, but think

6:12

about the alternative, which is what most

6:14

women are doing to themselves. You're

6:17

not good enough. You're a

6:19

loser. You're, you're, um,

6:21

I just coached a woman today and she was

6:23

like, I'm illegitimate. Like we have

6:26

all of these crazy thoughts in our

6:28

head that simply aren't true. But

6:30

if we focus on them, we've lowered

6:33

the standard for ourselves. And

6:36

sometimes, you know, I, I will tell people

6:38

that I do this and their first reaction

6:41

is like, God, that's so cocky. And

6:43

I'm like, I'm not walking down the street

6:45

saying this to everyone. I'm saying it to

6:47

myself. Would you rather

6:49

me beat myself up? Would

6:52

you rather me talk negatively to myself? There

6:55

was a video that went viral probably, I don't

6:57

know, three years ago with this little girl standing

6:59

in front of the mirror. Some of you all

7:01

may remember it. I can't remember exactly what she

7:03

said, but she was basically giving

7:05

herself a pep talk. Like you

7:08

are beautiful. You are abundant. You

7:10

are joyful. And she was just

7:12

working herself up. And I'm like,

7:14

we need more of that because

7:16

I feel like the pendulum has swung

7:18

too far to the other extreme where

7:20

we are so unkind for ourselves to

7:22

ourselves. And basically we've

7:25

just lowered the bar of what

7:27

we expect of ourselves when it

7:29

comes to our own self-love standards.

7:32

So that's the first thing. Raise

7:34

the standard of how you speak

7:36

to yourself. The

7:38

other self-love standard that you can

7:40

look at is how you treat

7:42

your body. This is

7:45

a big one for a lot of us. We

7:47

have tolerated and

7:49

settled for neglect when

7:51

it comes to our own bodies. We

7:54

sometimes don't even check in with our bodies to

7:56

see what our bodies need. Does

7:58

your body need food right now? If

8:01

so, what kind? Does your

8:03

body need to get up and move? Does

8:05

your body need to rest? Does your body

8:07

need to stretch? Raising

8:10

your self-love standards around your body requires that

8:12

you get in touch with your body and

8:15

you start being curious about what your body

8:17

is trying to tell you. And

8:19

you cannot do that if you're constantly beating

8:21

yourself up. If you're constantly

8:23

criticizing your body and telling your body it's

8:25

not good enough. And your body,

8:28

it should be better than what it is. When

8:30

you're berating your body, there's no

8:32

room to hear your

8:34

body. And so

8:37

raising your standards around your

8:39

body self-love requires that you

8:41

listen and pay

8:43

attention to your body. And

8:47

part of this is also learning to

8:49

appreciate your own beauty. My

8:52

self-love standard is to acknowledge and

8:54

celebrate my unique features both inside

8:56

and out. As

8:58

someone who used to be so

9:01

mean to the reflection in the

9:03

mirror, I just refused to do

9:06

that anymore because nothing good came out of it.

9:08

It just made me feel terrible, which

9:10

then led me to taking terrible actions

9:12

that just kept me perpetuating

9:15

terrible results, truly. And

9:18

so part of my self-love standard that I

9:20

was talking about before around my self-talk is

9:22

I just decided one day that I was

9:24

no longer going to berate the reflection,

9:28

that I was going to learn

9:30

to appreciate my own beauty. Now

9:33

I'm about to get really raw with

9:35

you all and share something that recently

9:37

happened. So some of you

9:39

all may know this, but if you're new to me and new

9:41

to this podcast, you may not. But I

9:43

used to really struggle with my weight. At

9:46

one point, I weighed over 200 pounds. I

9:49

had an eating disorder. I yo-yo

9:51

dieted, constantly gaining the same 30

9:53

plus pounds over and over again,

9:55

gaining losing, gaining losing. You all know,

9:57

if you know, if you've ever been that.

10:00

you understand. And I

10:02

went on all the diets

10:04

trying to beat myself into

10:06

shape only to find myself

10:08

just, I don't know, exhausted

10:11

from white-knuckling it. So inevitably

10:15

I would just start binging again. It was

10:17

just a terrible cycle to be in and

10:19

for those of you who are in it,

10:22

I get it. It takes up your

10:24

whole life. You're always thinking about what

10:26

you're gonna eat, what you're not gonna

10:28

eat, when you're gonna exercise,

10:30

what you're not gonna... it's just it

10:32

it consumes your life or

10:35

at least it did mine. And

10:37

I finally realized I was

10:39

like wait, if you

10:41

want to lose weight, if

10:44

you want to be a naturally

10:46

slim woman, whatever that looks like for you,

10:49

why don't you stop turning to the diet

10:51

industry which has not worked for you and

10:53

why don't you just start studying naturally slim

10:56

people and how they think, how

10:58

they feel, how they approach food. And

11:00

what I discovered was complete freedom. And

11:03

I realized oh my god this

11:06

all boils down to self-image. You

11:08

will always prove to yourself how

11:10

you see yourself. And

11:12

because I saw myself as someone with a weight problem,

11:15

I just kept perpetuating that by losing weight,

11:17

gaining weight, losing weight, gaining weight. Okay, so

11:20

fast forward to today. I

11:22

no longer struggle with this which is

11:24

miraculous. Like when I tell you it's

11:26

miraculous, I'm not joking. I never thought

11:28

I would say I don't

11:30

struggle with this anymore. I really don't. But

11:33

now something else has happened.

11:36

I don't like recently, I don't

11:39

have much of an appetite. And

11:41

I've been a little concerned about it because I

11:43

used to eat a lot but my body just

11:45

doesn't have much of an appetite. So I've lost

11:47

weight and now I'm trying to

11:49

gain weight which I never thought I'd say. But

11:51

I am eating, I am just

11:54

doing all the things to try to put some

11:56

weight on but nevertheless what I was going to share

11:58

with you. I looked

12:01

at my backside the other day in the

12:04

mirror. This

12:06

might be TMI for some of you all. It's

12:09

so just fast forward. And

12:11

I realized number one, I never really look at

12:13

my backside. It's not something that I

12:15

do. So when I saw what I saw, I

12:18

was shocked. I'm like, when did this happen? Because

12:21

it was just like skin hanging. And

12:23

I was like, okay. Like

12:26

this is not what I'm used to looking at. I

12:29

didn't beat myself up. It was the most beautiful

12:32

thing. I'm like, okay, this is what we're working

12:34

with. I guess this is what happens is you

12:36

get older and you lose some weight. Okay, I'm

12:39

gonna get in the gym. I'm gonna work out

12:41

really hard. Not because I

12:43

don't love myself, but because I do.

12:46

Can you all see the difference? The

12:49

big difference. It is

12:51

the intention behind the action that matters.

12:53

I used to go to the gym

12:55

and work out because I was telling

12:57

myself I wasn't good enough. That

13:00

my body wasn't good enough. Now

13:03

I'm going to the gym because I want

13:05

to give myself love. Because

13:07

I want to be healthy, because I wanna be

13:10

fit. And yes, I wanna put some muscle back

13:12

in this derriere that I used to have. And

13:15

so it's such a different standard,

13:17

right? It's the same action,

13:20

but fueled by a different energy. One

13:23

was fueled by self-loathing. This

13:26

one is fueled with self-love.

13:29

When it comes to self-love

13:32

standards, it's gonna require that

13:34

you appreciate your unique

13:36

beauty. And

13:39

listen, as we change, as we

13:41

get older, our bodies change, our

13:43

faces change. And so if you're

13:46

so attached to certain ideals

13:48

of beauty, you

13:51

are going to lower your standards

13:53

on how you celebrate your own.

13:57

It'll never be enough. You

14:00

can't look like you're twenty again.

14:02

If you're fifty or sixty, you

14:04

can try. Lot of people do

14:06

that. You'll never be that version

14:08

of you. So it's about you

14:10

loving and appreciating the version of

14:12

you that you are right now

14:14

setting that standard. Because.

14:17

One day if we're lucky if we're

14:19

blessed for it be eighty and ninety

14:21

were going is that things are going

14:23

to be hanging and we're gonna have

14:25

all kinds of like wrinkles and you

14:27

know our bodies and faces will be

14:29

different and what a beautiful journey those

14:32

bodies and faces have experience. And

14:34

there's of beauty. and every stage

14:37

and every body and every face,

14:39

there's beauty. But if you're constantly

14:42

comparing. To. Either pass versions

14:44

of yourself or other people you will

14:46

not see your own and this is

14:48

a selfless standards that I would love

14:50

to see all of us. Except

14:53

and raised for ourselves that

14:55

we are going to be

14:57

women who appreciate our own

14:59

unique beauty both inside and.

15:01

Out. Looking. And

15:03

the mirror with kindness. Focusing on

15:05

what you love about yourself and

15:08

radiating that confidence from the inside.

15:10

Out. Because. To me,

15:12

that's what's beautiful. It's so beautiful

15:14

to be around a woman who

15:16

steals beautiful. And. She

15:18

still is a beautiful because she

15:20

constantly focuses on the beauty of

15:23

herself and the beauty of life.

15:25

It. Isn't energy? And.

15:28

So that is the second standard

15:30

that we must raise. We must

15:32

raise How we treat our bodies

15:34

both with the words that we

15:37

speak and how we treated physically.

15:40

And. Perform into the next

15:42

one. I just want to say Sun Times

15:44

Raising Your Standards is. Very difficult. You're

15:46

having to break old patterns.

15:49

old. Habits and sometimes it's

15:51

even physically hurt. I've

15:54

been getting up and going to the gym almost

15:56

every single morning. and i can

15:58

hear my brain saying but you can a big

16:00

schedule today. You got so much to do. You can just

16:02

do it tomorrow. I'm like, Oh, no, that's the old

16:04

you. I'm raising the

16:06

standard on taking care of myself, which

16:09

includes going to the gym, working

16:11

out, building my muscles,

16:14

getting strong. So

16:16

it's not easy. But

16:19

we can do hard things, ladies. We

16:21

can. Another self love

16:23

standard that I want you to take a

16:25

look at and just see if it's an

16:27

area that maybe you need to raise your

16:29

own standard and what you expect of

16:32

yourself is what

16:34

you expect in terms of

16:36

how people treat you. That's

16:39

the big one. But

16:41

I find that far too many

16:43

of us settle. We

16:46

allow ourselves to be run over. We

16:48

allow ourselves to shrink into the

16:51

shadows of our own lives. We

16:53

put everybody else first and

16:55

put ourselves sometimes third, fourth, fifth,

16:57

or maybe even at the end of the

16:59

chain. And life

17:02

will give you what you tolerate. And

17:04

if that's what you tolerate in your life,

17:06

that is going to be what you constantly

17:09

experience. When you start saying no, when

17:12

you start saying that's not acceptable, or

17:14

you just remove yourself completely from a

17:17

situation because it's no longer in alignment

17:20

with you loving yourself. That's

17:22

when you begin to get your joie de

17:24

vivre back. That's when you begin to

17:27

provide evidence of you know what,

17:29

I am a woman worthy of

17:31

respect and love. And

17:34

it's hard to change that standard. You

17:37

can experience the fear of losing

17:39

people that you care about. You

17:42

can experience the fear of not

17:46

belonging. You can experience the

17:48

fear of hurting people. But

17:51

what I know to be true is

17:54

that if you don't love

17:56

yourself madly,

17:59

ridiculously, unapologetically,

18:02

this world will run

18:04

right all over you. It's

18:07

true. I've experienced it. People

18:10

will take advantage of your weaknesses.

18:13

They will exploit you. They

18:15

will not appreciate you. And

18:18

this has been a hard pill for me to swallow

18:20

because I tend to be very trusting.

18:22

I tend to always

18:25

see the good in people. Bonds is

18:27

always calling me out. He was

18:29

like, don't be so trusting. And I don't

18:32

want to ever lose that part of me.

18:35

I actually appreciate my

18:38

willingness to trust people and

18:41

my openness to life and the world

18:43

and the people within it. But

18:46

I believe you can

18:48

be that and still have

18:50

high standards around how

18:52

you expect to be treated. And

18:55

this is an area that I had to face

18:57

and realize that I had lowered my standards. And

19:00

I won't get into it in this podcast, but

19:02

I did a lot

19:04

of work around this. And I realized when it

19:06

happened and why it happened because I didn't used

19:08

to be like that. There was like a

19:10

period of my life for like 10 years

19:13

where I didn't let people

19:15

run over me. Like I stood up for

19:17

myself and then I started to lower that

19:19

standard. And with a lot of

19:21

love and compassion, I looked back as to why.

19:23

And I was like, Oh, that makes so much

19:25

sense. Well, hello, I've raised that

19:27

standard. And I will

19:30

tell you there is so much joy

19:32

and liberation

19:35

and the feeling of coming

19:37

back home to yourself when you do that.

19:39

Because when you are allowing

19:42

people to treat you in

19:44

ways that doesn't feel right,

19:46

maybe they make

19:48

sarcastic comments about you, but they do

19:50

it with funny sarcasm. And so

19:53

you're like, um, did

19:55

they just say that? I think that was a dick, but

19:57

I'm not so sure. that's just the way they are. Right? Or

20:00

maybe they're just outright

20:02

rude or disrespectful. Or

20:04

they're constantly crossing. Boundaries

20:07

Or they just.

20:09

Don't call you or they

20:12

ignore you. Whatever it is,

20:15

When you do that, To

20:17

yourself. And. You allow that to

20:19

happen. It's like

20:21

you are leaving yourself every

20:23

single time. And. So

20:25

when you stop do that, you're

20:27

just getting closer back to yourself.

20:30

You're making the relationship with yourself

20:32

more important than your relationship with

20:34

other people. And that's what self

20:36

love requires. It requires that you

20:38

make the relationship with yourself. number

20:41

one and when.relationship. A Solid. You're

20:43

going to attract different people into

20:45

your life. You are going to

20:47

again experience. So. Much

20:49

joy and and freedom. When.

20:53

Your relationship with you is your

20:55

main priority. Now. Let's

20:57

take this conversation a step

20:59

further and dive into. Self.

21:03

Image and what this all has to do

21:05

with. Your self image you see.

21:08

Often are self love standards gets

21:10

shaped by our past experiences and

21:12

are self perception. We can limit

21:15

ourselves by repeating patterns and cleaning

21:17

to these outdated for sense of

21:19

who we think we are. To

21:22

get flat. Self.

21:24

Image is malleable. You get

21:27

to change that and that's what we do

21:29

with and the membership. So

21:31

here's the key. To. Elevate your

21:33

self love standards. You need to

21:36

elevate your self image. How you

21:38

see yourself in that works in

21:40

tandem. As you begin to raise

21:43

your selfless Sanders, you begin to

21:45

see yourself differently. and as you

21:47

practicing yourself differently you'll be inspired

21:50

to elevate your self love standards.

21:52

So instead of looking back at

21:54

past limitations at past experiences where

21:56

you have to do is look

21:59

forward to. the future you. Imagine

22:02

the most empowered,

22:05

thriving version of yourself. What

22:07

does she do? How does she

22:10

treat herself? What expectations

22:12

does she hold? And

22:14

then think about what standards you

22:16

can begin to elevate in your

22:18

life to mirror hers. And

22:21

don't make this complicated. I

22:23

recommend that you start with

22:25

one or two standards that you focus

22:27

on until they become habits, until

22:29

they just become who you are. So

22:33

as you think about your

22:35

future focused self-image, reevaluate your

22:38

standards. Instead of

22:40

repeating the same old past patterns,

22:42

ask yourself, what standards

22:44

would my future self set for

22:46

self-talk, self-care, and personal

22:49

growth? What boundaries

22:51

would she establish to protect her

22:53

energy and well-being? And

22:55

then finally, what habits and activities

22:58

would nourish her mind, body, and

23:00

spirit? By aligning

23:02

your standards with your evolving

23:04

self-image, you create this powerful

23:07

synergy. You become truly

23:09

like the architect of your own

23:11

future, building a life that reflects

23:13

your highest potential. So

23:16

I am raising my glass to

23:19

you raising your self-love

23:21

standards. Have a

23:23

beautiful week, my friends, and I will see

23:25

you in next week's episode. Cheers.

23:30

Hey, before you go, let me ask you something.

23:33

Are you stuck in a loop of

23:35

dreaming and doing nothing? Are

23:37

you sick and tired of waiting for

23:39

your happily ever after? Listen,

23:43

it is time for you to ditch waiting

23:45

for someone to save you, waiting

23:47

for some day, and put that crown on

23:49

your head. It is time

23:52

for you to create your own powerfully

23:54

ever after with my free masterclass. I'm

23:57

going to teach you three moves To

23:59

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24:01

informed decisions, and finally.

24:04

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24:06

instead of doing go. To

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School of Self image.com A flash

24:11

after and let's kick. Start your

24:13

dream. Why? it's free. It's bath

24:15

and it's way more fun than sitting

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