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1:05

Mm, mm, mm. Oh,

2:00

I'm David. Look at me eat my cheese. How

2:03

rude. Derek,

2:06

I apologize for this. It

2:10

wouldn't happen in New York, but. No. The

2:14

New York crew

2:16

is a lot more. These guys are so, so. Axe?

2:22

Yeah, it's like, I don't know if it's an

2:24

LA thing or. It's just shitty.

2:27

It's just shitty. I

2:29

get it. I feel it. Okay.

2:34

We know where we're all. How's

2:37

it going? You're living out here. You're

2:39

back here, right? I'm in Studio City now,

2:41

my girlfriend. I

2:43

like her. What was her name? Jen. Jen,

2:46

yes. Yeah, she's great. And

2:49

you're still together. Yes. Is

2:52

this a record? Oh, I told her.

2:55

I was like, hey, at some point you're gonna get

2:57

sick of me being broke. She's

3:00

like, no, no, I love you. I was like, I'm

3:03

gonna give you six months. How

3:05

long have you all been going out now? A year. A

3:07

year? Yeah. That's good.

3:10

Getting close to a record. Yeah. Well, I think

3:12

four years of the record. Longest.

3:15

JB, Amanda. JB,

3:18

yeah. I just talked to her yesterday. How's

3:21

she doing? Excuse

3:23

me. Full-time mom. Oh,

3:26

really? Oh, wow. Wow. Wait,

3:30

I remember listening to the Scott Ackerman episode

3:32

and they just let the whole thing run

3:34

before it started. And

3:38

is that happening right now? It's happening right now.

3:42

It's happening as we speak. Do you wanna

3:44

bleep anybody's name out? Yeah,

3:47

let's replace it with someone famous's

3:49

name. Scarlett

3:52

Johansson. That

3:55

would be pretty good. We just... How's

3:58

Scarlett Johansson doing? brutal.

6:01

Yeah, I would imagine. Yeah, but 48 year olds are

6:03

not. I'm the oldest guy. Are not.

6:06

They're not. That's probably a slower paced

6:08

game I'm imagining. It is and that

6:10

one's. A lot of substitutions. It's very

6:12

comforting. Yeah. Where

6:15

do you play? It

6:17

bounces around the Griffith Park Van

6:21

Nuys. Do they have a pitch in Griffith

6:23

Park or do you kind of make it your own? Yeah, it's on

6:25

the edge. Oh, really? It's on

6:27

the edge, yeah. Oh, wow. People

6:30

fighting, slide tackling.

6:32

Wow. It's pretty

6:34

great. Are there any flops? No,

6:38

no one's flopped. I think the shame.

6:42

For Americans, the shame is too great. That's

6:45

surprising. I would think Americans would.

6:47

Flop it all the time. Yeah.

6:50

Oh, man. There are a few

6:52

things better than a ridiculous

6:56

soccer flop. Yeah, especially when you get a

6:58

card for it. Yeah, they're so funny. And

7:03

then the dramatics and the histrionics, like,

7:05

what? What? What?

7:08

The rolling around. Oh, yeah, the grabbing

7:10

a knee and wincing and crying. Oh,

7:12

man, it's the best. And

7:15

it happens in basketball too. Not

7:18

nearly as much, but like you

7:20

remember like Bill Lambier and Danny Ainge,

7:22

remember those guys? Yeah, they hated Lambier.

7:25

Yeah. But those guys would

7:27

flop all the time. And

7:30

they'd pretend that they

7:32

got elbowed or something and then they'd

7:34

replay it. And the guy's like three

7:36

feet away from their diamond. Yeah,

7:40

I hate that that's part of the strategy of the game is

7:42

to sell it, to be an actor. But

7:45

so when you're old, you just go down

7:47

all the time. You just go down. I

7:49

mean, then everybody buys it. Like this guy,

7:51

if a mosquito lands on you, you'll be

7:54

screaming. He's an accountant. Yeah, you

7:56

don't even have yellow cards or red cards. Right. Just

7:59

sympathy cards. The

10:00

book is, it's good. Like

10:04

I don't know if you met

10:06

Sarah, the woman he wrote it with, who kind of, she

10:09

did an amazing job. It's good. And

10:13

I am aware

10:15

that I'm coming off as if I'm

10:17

surprised, but I am surprised. And-

10:22

Is that your blurb on the back of the

10:24

book? Yeah. It's

10:27

actually good. No,

10:30

I really, it's, I didn't read the whole

10:32

thing. I've read before

10:34

I was coming out here to do the show with

10:36

him, Amber sent me like a

10:38

galley copy PDFs. And

10:43

I read four chapters and I, yeah,

10:45

it's good. It's a, cause

10:48

I remember what it was like before he got

10:51

the other writer he collaborated with. Oh yeah,

10:53

me too. Yeah, so it came

10:56

up quite a bit. Is the other

10:58

poet, Amber Tamplin? Yes. There

11:02

you go. How'd she do?

11:04

Not good. I would say it's

11:06

the least favorite episode for

11:09

literally everybody, myself, the

11:12

staff, the listeners. I'm

11:15

a little worried that if I don't break

11:17

a thousand views, I'll be the last poet

11:19

that Headgum allows. The

11:22

fuck Headgum, it's me. They're

11:24

not making the fucking- They're

11:26

the ones who sent me all the emails saying, what film

11:28

were you in to promote? And I was like, no film.

11:31

And I don't know if they were like worried.

11:33

They don't send emails saying, what film do you

11:35

want to promote? Can you give us a list

11:37

of TV appearances you've recently had? And I was

11:39

like, none. And they're like,

11:41

I think they're worried about it. So

11:44

I'm worried about it. Don't fuck

11:46

them. No, I, and I'm disappointed

11:49

to hear that you guys.

11:53

Didn't happen. It actually did

11:55

not happen. Okay, good. But

11:58

what, for real. What film do you have to prove?

12:02

New horror film coming out. It's

12:05

called The Gap. It's

12:08

a retail horror film. Comes

12:10

out in December. A retail, not

12:12

retelling of a heart. A retail. A

12:15

retelling of a retail horror film. Retailing

12:17

of a retail horror film. Yes. So

12:21

is it based on the Old Navy? It

12:23

is, but it's the tagline is,

12:25

not only the prices get

12:28

gouged and then dot, dot, dot. Did

12:31

you work up that bit before you came out here? I

12:33

did not at all. That's why it's not

12:35

so good. That's pretty

12:37

good for coming right up. That's,

12:42

it seems like yesterday

12:44

you were walking around like, oh, I know what

12:46

I'll do on David's podcast. I'll do it. I

12:48

did email you. I was like, hey, should we do a bit? You're

12:51

like, oh yeah, that's old. I

12:53

felt bad because you, you really

12:55

worked out this whole thing with a script. I

12:57

wrote some dialogue. And everything, and I'm like, oh

12:59

buddy. You're like, oh yeah, we're just gonna talk.

13:01

And I'm like, oh God. Which

13:04

does remind me, Anya and Casey,

13:06

I have to redo

13:08

that cover letter that

13:10

goes out to people. I

13:13

don't think anyone's gonna go to

13:15

the links Derek did to write in

13:18

five pages. Hodgman didn't have a bit.

13:22

When you choose the 45 second clip for

13:24

YouTube, can it be him talking about

13:26

the cover letter from this

13:28

podcast? I think it

13:31

should just be me talking about Russ.

13:33

Yes, and me like this. I'm

13:36

sure it's good. It's

13:39

gonna get warm. Are you gonna be warm in that

13:41

all black outfit? Because it's supposed to go up to

13:43

75 today. I'm

13:45

gonna have a show tonight. So these

13:47

are my show clothes. But I

13:49

am going to take this jacket off when we're out of

13:51

the AC. Got it, got it,

13:54

makes sense. Unless

13:56

you want it off now. Nope. What's

13:59

your show tonight? Show tonight's in

14:01

Silver Lake at In the Mean Time, it's poetry,

14:03

comedy, and music. We're in Silver Lake right now.

14:06

We're in Silver Lake. Well, I'm

14:09

hoping this airs in a few minutes. And

14:12

then I could get some bodies to the show. I'm

14:15

not sure your timeline. Will

14:18

you talk to yourself in the future and

14:20

let me know how the show went tonight?

14:22

Yes. Right

14:25

now, talk to me in the future

14:27

to let you know how it was. How the show

14:29

went. The show you're doing tonight, how it was, how

14:31

did it go? Not as many bodies as I was

14:33

hoping for. Little more

14:35

crying than was expected. So

14:38

you did expect some crying. I expected a little

14:40

bit of crying, but not the whole time. Wow.

14:43

You were the audience. The audience. Oh

14:45

man. So you start out with one

14:47

grief poem and then you try

14:49

and go into your meatloaf jokes. It's poetry,

14:52

it's not jokes. It's both, it's poetry, comedy,

14:54

and music. And then started

14:56

with the poems, which was a bad idea. No

14:59

one laughed at anything. Oh, that's the problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

15:01

yeah. And people are sobbing. Yes,

15:03

yes. So next time we'll start. And

15:05

they're questioning everything. They're questioning existentialist questions

15:07

about what are they even doing there?

15:10

What is laughter? Why? Why

15:12

would we? Yeah. Yeah.

15:15

All right, next time I'm just not going

15:17

to do any

15:20

poetry at all. It's gonna be all comedy

15:22

and music. Well, you can do, some

15:24

of your poems are really funny. The

15:26

one about the, where you're, tell

15:29

me that it's from the last book, the cop. The

15:32

one where the cop is just a great guy. Is fucking

15:34

awesome. Yeah. I

15:37

love that poem. Yeah, the plot

15:39

of that. I want to tell people, I feel

15:41

compelled to say this because before

15:45

I met my wife and

15:47

thus you and

15:51

you and your ilk, I

15:55

had a negative

15:57

connotation about poetry. had

16:00

you been to a poetry show in Atlanta or

16:02

anything before you met Amber? No,

16:06

the only thing I would I actually

16:09

that's not true I when

16:11

poetry slams were a thing and

16:13

remember who's that there

16:16

was that terrible I

16:19

one of my favorite pictures of me

16:22

is at

16:24

Lollapalooza there was like a comedy

16:26

spoken word ten yeah yeah yeah

16:28

and Maggie Estep Maggie Estep

16:31

who was kind of the

16:33

face of slam poetry kind

16:35

of punky whatever and

16:38

I really I really have

16:41

a strong dislike of that kind of

16:44

delivery and I don't like this

16:46

and the way that they talk and the thing

16:48

you know Katrina and jazz

16:50

voice and I can't stand

16:52

it and and I

16:55

did Maggie I followed Maggie Estep and

16:57

then I just did

16:59

my impression of her and

17:02

I was not I'm stomping around the

17:04

crowd and there's a really

17:06

funny picture at Lollapalooza before wait

17:08

you were right after she performed

17:11

early and then you did your

17:13

version of a slam poet after

17:15

oh my god what'd she

17:18

say nothing I don't remember so I'm

17:20

guessing she didn't say anything and she might have

17:22

been pissed I don't know she might have been

17:25

flattered who knows but it wasn't flattering

17:27

because I just I can't I couldn't

17:29

stand it so that is to say

17:31

my concept

17:33

of poetry was pretty

17:38

because of ignorance narrow and I

17:40

thought I like I'm not varying

17:44

people with you know

17:46

dreads whatever their skin color

17:48

is is you know up there going like you

17:51

know and Ronald Reagan decided you know

17:53

all that kind of shit and so

17:55

that style

17:58

was all over the world.

18:00

Oh, I know. I know. That's all I knew. But then,

18:03

you know, I ended up falling

18:06

in love with a poet

18:09

and I, you know, I tried

18:11

not to but... Did I tell you what she said to

18:13

me after she took you to the first show? No. She

18:18

said... Because it wasn't, it was, it was

18:20

at that bar in the 13th Street. Bar

18:23

13, yeah. In Union Square

18:26

or near there. And she goes,

18:29

Derek, I need you to a show in

18:31

New York because David went

18:33

to... What

18:36

year was this? 2006? I

18:39

don't know. That sounds about right.

18:42

No, no, no. 2008. Oh, no.

18:44

2006 because that was, she

18:47

was in the pilot for Todd Margaret. Yes, 2006. And...

18:50

God damn, we've been together a long time. Yeah. Holy

18:52

shit. Yeah, I didn't give it

18:54

this long, but I was, I'm impressed. But

18:58

she said that David said, I don't

19:00

know if I can do this. And

19:03

I was like, go to poetry shows? No,

19:05

like be with me because he

19:07

doesn't think he can ever go to a show like

19:09

that again. It was bad. I remember... Can you put

19:11

on a show in Brooklyn sometimes? I

19:13

was like, yeah, I'll invite you guys. And

19:16

then I think invited you to do a bit at that show.

19:18

Well, you did a show at that

19:21

kind of weird, like,

19:23

it's kind of like a little pretentious,

19:26

it's like a house or something. Remember?

19:29

Oh, yeah, yeah. The Norwood. The Norwood.

19:31

Of a private club that reached out

19:33

and said, we're trying to do more cool comedy

19:36

and poetry things. It was weird. I mean, the show

19:38

was good. But then, so I saw you and I

19:40

saw Mindy Netifi and I saw, oh God,

19:43

there's that one guy who was really

19:46

funny. Osea? No. Kind

19:49

of a... Bucky Sinister? No,

19:51

it's not anybody I've hung

19:53

out with since. Bucky's very funny. I

19:57

didn't know comedy could be funny like that. I

20:00

didn't know that that, I'm

20:02

sorry, poetry. I

20:05

just didn't know that that was a

20:07

thing. And then I, you know,

20:11

there's some really funny, and

20:14

funny enough so that when

20:16

I did, I curated

20:18

the comedy stage at one

20:20

of Altomorrow's parties, you

20:24

know, things and I had you on there, you and

20:26

the band backed you up. And it was, I'd

20:29

say that was the highlight of the show

20:31

for the audience, not me, not John Benjamin,

20:33

not Glazer, but you guys. That was a

20:35

turning point in my life where I was

20:37

doing comedy shows and doing poetry and you're

20:39

like, oh, just do it together. Do

20:41

it together. It's fine. And it was,

20:43

I was nervous, I was so scared. I

20:46

think we both got very drunk. I

20:50

certainly did. And I think

20:52

Eugene had a bottle of whiskey. That's

20:54

right. He brought a large bottle of

20:56

whiskey. And then Amber's always like, we're

20:59

doing shots. And it was

21:01

super fun. And I was like, I'm just gonna do

21:03

that from now on. And it's

21:05

been hard. It's been hard because people are

21:07

like, I don't wanna book a

21:10

poet on my comedy show. Who's gonna be like,

21:13

I get it, but that's like, because I was

21:16

that person, you know, up until I got

21:19

exposed to, no,

21:21

excuse me. That's

21:24

Amber. Let's see. Ask

21:27

him. Yeah,

21:34

that's bullshit. Okay, I don't blame

21:36

you, Phony. Now,

21:39

a lot of people don't know this. And I'm gonna

21:41

say most people alive today do

21:43

not know. And

21:46

by most, I mean almost 100%. I'm

21:50

talking literally every Chinese

21:52

person. Most

21:55

Greenland. Texas.

21:59

No, no, actually people. in Texas, but a lot of

22:01

people, most people don't know that you

22:03

officiated Amber and I's wedding. More

22:06

people know that than they know my work.

22:09

More photos have circulated of me

22:12

from those leaked photos than

22:15

of me on stage doing

22:17

a set, which is pretty

22:19

cool. So I'm grateful. I

22:22

think I killed at that set. I

22:24

think we all did a great job. I think we

22:27

all did a great job. Amber wasn't as funny, but

22:29

that's fine.

22:31

Do you remember? There

22:36

was, so Amber and

22:39

Russ, her dad, we got

22:41

married up in upstate

22:44

near where we live up there. Beautiful.

22:46

Right on the Delaware River. And

22:50

Amber and Russ,

22:53

it was, you know, we're launching

22:56

from about like a

22:58

half mile up the river, not

23:00

too far up. And then we're

23:03

waiting. It was all

23:05

kind of, you know, I came down, you

23:07

were there, and it was all supposed to

23:09

go pretty smoothly. Violin was playing, I think.

23:11

Yeah, Emily. Emily was playing Emily Wells. And

23:16

we're waiting, we're waiting, we're waiting. And then

23:18

we kind of milked some comedy from there

23:20

because we truly thought, I

23:23

think people thought it was a bit, but it

23:25

wasn't. Where the fuck is Amber? You know, and

23:27

Amber said, I don't know if you know this,

23:30

because they're supposed

23:33

to be going down the river and Russ is supposed to

23:35

be paddling. And he's

23:37

taking his phone, he's not doing anything, he's sitting

23:39

there. And

23:43

he's got his phone and he's taking video

23:45

of the mountains. And she turns

23:47

out, she's like, dad, what the fuck are you doing? You're supposed

23:49

to throw us there. Oh, okay. I

23:52

remember looking down the river, she was

23:54

in her yellow dress, and she was,

23:56

I remember her being pissed at him

23:58

and then turning on Amy. face

24:00

while she was rowing closer to the shore.

24:02

I was like, oh, I wonder what

24:05

they're arguing about. This is exciting. I love

24:07

that. It's so rust, too.

24:10

You have one thing you're supposed to do is just row

24:12

the boat. And she's sitting there like,

24:14

why are we going faster? Then finally turns around,

24:16

and he's doing nothing but taking

24:18

pictures of the mountain. What

24:21

the? They're waiting for us. I'm getting

24:23

married. I also remember this

24:25

fun bit where John Benjamin stood up

24:29

as a rabbi to curse

24:32

that this wedding was happening on

24:34

where so many children are buried.

24:36

So, yes. So

24:39

what we did, we had planned

24:41

was the Amber got there,

24:47

her dad walked her there and China

24:49

her sister, and the flower, Vivian

24:53

the flower girl, whatever. We had Ali, our

24:55

dog, is the ring bearer. And then we

24:57

just, you said,

24:59

I now pronounce you man and wife.

25:01

And then we went, we had this

25:04

is how we do it. Play a 30 second.

25:07

And then we ran up. So there was

25:09

no real wedding. And then people

25:12

started to applaud. And then John, full

25:15

rabbi outfit with the payus

25:17

and the strum a

25:19

little hat. I

25:21

was like, no, this is a

25:24

degradation. How

25:27

dare you? Because we

25:29

got married at a

25:32

Jewish kids camp, Camp Tell Yehuda, and

25:37

Tell is Mountain. So

25:44

we were, yeah, it was he

25:47

got up and it was, he thought

25:49

it was about the fakeness

25:51

of the marriage, but it was about that too

25:55

many Jews were buried there. To

25:57

a wedding. Yeah, that was funny.

26:00

Also, you had, among all, many

26:02

celebrities were there, but you also

26:04

hired fake celebrity impersonators to

26:08

mingle among the real celebrities. And

26:11

not top notch celebrity impersonators. No,

26:13

this is an old thing going back

26:16

to Mr. Show, where we had wrap

26:18

parties every year after Mr. Show. And

26:25

I had this idea, and this

26:27

is such a good Bob and David combo,

26:29

I had this idea, hey,

26:32

let's get a Michael Jackson impersonator and just

26:34

have him there to mill

26:37

around and talk to people. And

26:39

then Bob came up with the genius idea of,

26:42

let's get two of

26:44

two different eras and don't tell

26:46

him about it. And I was like, that's

26:48

brilliant. So we, at our wrap parties, we

26:51

had Michael Jackson, we had the bad

26:54

era, and then we had the thriller

26:56

era, Michael Jackson, they didn't know about each

26:59

other, and they were bummed. They were bummed,

27:01

they were not happy. They were not happy

27:03

at all. Because one

27:05

probably looks way better than the other.

27:07

You know, they had their, they were

27:09

just, they didn't

27:11

understand, and I don't blame them.

27:14

They didn't know about Mr. Show, they didn't know what

27:16

it was a comedy show or anything. So they're paid,

27:18

and you know, we paid

27:20

them for an hour, and you have to do this, and you

27:23

have to go up to people and sing and stuff. And

27:25

then we did it another

27:27

year with Jim Carrey, impersonators,

27:30

we got a Ace

27:33

Ventura version and a Mask version

27:35

of Jim Carrey. And

27:38

then when I did David Cross

27:40

and Super Pals at Urban Plaza, I

27:42

had, I paid a guy to

27:44

do Austin Powers, but

27:48

he couldn't tell anyone that he was

27:50

hired. He was. And he

27:52

had to go up, and I said,

27:54

you have to say, do I

27:57

make you horny, baby? To everyone.

28:00

With yeah, and you have to mingle and people

28:02

were like who the fuck is this asshole because

28:04

I had him in line like to pay and

28:07

go in So

28:09

with that idea I got and we're you know

28:11

in the middle of nowhere Yeah up in the

28:14

woods can I say who the celebrities were because

28:16

I was shocked the impersonators.

28:18

Yeah. Yeah, or the fake

28:20

celebrities Yeah From

28:23

yesteryear Jackie Gleason. Yep as as

28:26

As as as a rough crammed in yeah

28:29

Fran Drescher. Yeah as the nanny and

28:33

Liljong and Liljong who just and

28:35

I paid him each to

28:39

Spend an hour going up to people and

28:41

the best part is you know, there are

28:43

very famous people there There's

28:47

a guy who's looks like Liljong with a

28:49

big gold cup going Hey,

28:52

you know Let's

28:54

see. What is he? Oh, okay Yeah,

28:59

he broke when I was with him with Liljong

29:01

I tell you this So

29:03

I was with a very famous poet who's now

29:05

past Jack Hirschman and Jack Hirschman is very old

29:08

and very earnest and sweet And

29:10

Liljong came up says, all right,

29:13

skit skit skit and Jack Hirschman

29:15

goes What was your name? And

29:18

he goes, you know me dog and

29:20

and he goes I don't think I caught your name

29:23

And he goes it's made Liljong

29:25

and he goes, oh, are

29:27

you a poet? He goes? No,

29:30

I'm not I'm

29:34

Liljong Man

29:42

that was great. I love shit like that. I

29:44

love just a random guy

29:48

Dressed like Ralph Cramden that wedding was

29:50

going on to the moon Alice We

29:52

played flag football and Ryan Reynolds not

29:54

to drop names was on the opposing

29:56

flag football team and John Benjamin was

29:59

our quarterback much better arm

30:01

than Ryan Reynolds. That doesn't

30:03

surprise me. Yeah, I didn't know he was so good. Or

30:07

that Ryan was so bad. We're so bad, yeah.

30:10

How about, I'm like

30:13

so jealous of it. Like how

30:15

about the brilliant

30:17

idea that he, that

30:19

Ryan and Rob... McElhaney.

30:24

McElhaney had of

30:26

like, let's buy

30:29

a sports team and it'll be a

30:31

write off. And

30:33

let's start at the bottom and create a hero

30:35

story and document it. Well, that's all part of

30:38

it. I mean, that makes it viable.

30:40

But it's like, if you start,

30:42

if you're like, you know what, I'd like to own a

30:45

sports team, but I don't wanna pay

30:47

for it. Hmm,

30:50

that's pretty cool. Yeah. I

30:52

will always respect

30:55

that. Oftentimes when we go out for a beer,

30:57

you'll buy the beer. When you

30:59

go out for a beer with him, are you like, you

31:03

clearly got this? I

31:06

haven't been out with him. Last time I hung

31:09

out one on one, God, that was like when we

31:11

were in Copenhagen, I think. What if he gets sick

31:13

of that? And he's like, someone buy me some shrimp.

31:16

No. Do

31:19

you know about the, we

31:22

went to Noma, Blake and Ryan and

31:25

Amber and I went to, which

31:27

was then the number one

31:29

restaurant in the world.

31:31

And it was an amazing experience.

31:34

I've had better tasting food, but

31:36

the apps, the night, the,

31:39

and you're there for hours and hours and

31:41

hours. Really cool, really, really, really cool. But

31:45

we, there's a picture of us eating a live

31:48

shrimp. So they take a shrimp and they

31:51

freeze it

31:53

so that it's still alive, but

31:56

it's not alive. Well,

32:00

it's immobile, but my

32:03

shrimp started

32:06

twitching and jumping around. Like

32:08

it wanted to live. Yes. You're

32:11

supposed to just take it and eat it, right? Yeah. Yeah. But

32:14

it's not you're not it's not like that

32:16

scene in Old Boy where you're eating the

32:18

live. Was it like, wait, wait, wait, wait,

32:20

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, this trip

32:22

was just waking up going. It's like in

32:25

Rosemary's Baby when the devil's fucking her and

32:27

she kind of wakes up because she took

32:29

the drugged pudding and put

32:31

it through the way. And and she's like,

32:33

this isn't a dream. It's really happening. That's

32:35

what the shrimp was doing. Going, whoa, yeah,

32:37

I'm going to get out of here. It's

32:40

flopping around the table and hurry. Eat it.

32:42

Eat it. It's like, oh,

32:45

man, it's a very funny picture. So

32:48

head first. Yeah,

32:50

the whole thing just popped in and it's flopping

32:52

around in there. And the tail always tastes like

32:54

plastic to me. Oh, you haven't

32:57

been to Nova. That's right. They probably fix

32:59

it up. And and then Ryan and I

33:01

had I want to say like there

33:03

was a fish. I we had a

33:06

head of a fish. Oh, Jesus. There was

33:08

an eyeball. I can do

33:10

cheeks and tongue, but eyeball eyeball was tough.

33:13

Too holy. It was

33:15

it was it was. Yeah, it's

33:18

it's tough to think

33:20

about. And but I've had

33:22

some crazy shit I've eaten. I

33:25

was in Shanghai. And

33:28

we did this to to to. Shoot

33:32

it and to it for it to be a

33:34

thing, but went to

33:36

this restaurant that was recommended to us for

33:38

this purpose of northern. I

33:42

don't know what part of China, but northern Chinese.

33:47

Like. What's

33:50

the word? Just like not home cooking, but

33:52

the the kind of food

33:54

they would have, you know, back in

33:57

the day. Right. And I had dogs. I

34:01

had bullfrog, which

34:04

was the nastiest, the

34:06

dog was pretty good actually. And so

34:09

it was like traditional mountain

34:11

cooking or whatever, and earthworm soup.

34:15

But the bullfrog, I want

34:17

you to picture a frog roughly the size

34:19

of like a

34:21

grapefruit, right? A big bullfrog. And

34:24

all they did, they got a cleaver and

34:27

they just hacked up this

34:29

bullfrog, dumped it

34:31

in a fucking bowl so that

34:34

there's eyes and bone. I

34:37

could not finish it at all. I didn't

34:39

even get two things in. The

34:41

legs probably don't taste like frog legs. No,

34:44

no, no, not at all. No, it's like

34:46

boiled soup. It was something

34:49

you'd eat during the war to stay

34:51

alive, but not like charging

34:54

tourists money for it.

34:56

Yeah, this is the crazy shit we used to

34:58

eat. Ugh. Shit we used to eat. I'd

35:02

write a bad Yelp review for sure. This

35:05

is pre-Yelp. Oh, right. Got

35:08

the dog. Dog, yeah. It was actually, that

35:10

was the best thing that I ate, tasting

35:15

wise. It felt bad, I felt very bad. And

35:17

I had to drink a lot before I sat

35:19

down to

35:21

eat these things, because I was the

35:23

volunteer to do it. And I think

35:26

I made a lot of noise

35:28

about like, I don't see what the big deal

35:30

fear factor is. It's just mind over matter, man.

35:32

It's bugs, whatever. But

35:35

the bullfrog stew

35:38

or whatever was fucking nasty. The

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Spelled

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babbel.com/senses.

37:44

Rules and restrictions

37:48

may apply. This

37:52

isn't good podcast material, but I heard a

37:55

piece of a story of

37:57

Christy Noem shooting her dog. I

38:00

missed everything else. I don't know why she shot

38:02

her dog or what it was. Mised behaved. It

38:04

was a puppy, I believe, I want to say

38:07

14, uh, 14 weeks, 14 months, something

38:10

like that. It was young, it was a puppy and

38:12

doing, and she was out, uh, hunting.

38:15

Um, and, and brought

38:18

the puppy, brought the puppy for whatever

38:20

reason. And the puppy was

38:23

acting like a puppy does and,

38:25

uh, was running around and

38:27

I guess, uh, as,

38:30

as you might expect, uh, upsetting

38:33

the, um, pheasants that

38:35

they were hunting and the birds were all,

38:37

you know, scattering around, which is no good

38:39

if you're trying to kill

38:41

birds. Um, and

38:44

she wanted to kill birds. So she,

38:48

obviously there are, uh, multiple

38:50

options that don't involve, uh,

38:53

aiming a gun at a puppy. Put

38:55

it in a bag. I'm

38:58

not even, well, not killing,

39:00

I guess. Oh, right. Um, it's,

39:03

it's where I was going. Put it in the bag, then shoot it. Right.

39:06

And she, now here's,

39:09

here's the thing. That is a horrific story

39:11

as any, you don't even have to be

39:13

a dog lover to go like, what the

39:15

fuck? That's crazy. You shot a puppy that

39:17

was just being a puppy. Yeah. You didn't

39:20

take it to train it or anything or

39:22

whatever. And you brought a puppy on a,

39:24

on a hunting trip, like a ding dong.

39:27

How about thinking

39:29

it was okay to write that

39:31

you're trying to be the vice

39:33

president. That's the second juiciest part.

39:36

You're trying to be the vice, and, and

39:39

nobody, even the, even conservative media,

39:41

even Fox News and. That's the clip I

39:43

saw them going like, didn't you do the

39:45

audio book of this? Won't

39:48

you say that this is a mistake? You know,

39:50

I'm not going to talk about the world leaders

39:52

I met or the things I've done. Oh, that's

39:54

the other thing she lied about meeting with Kim

39:56

Jong Un and. Insane.

40:00

I just, that's a thing they

40:02

always do. I mean, Republicans do that shit all

40:04

the time. They just lie about shit

40:07

and make it up and then you catch them and they

40:09

go, oh, maybe I didn't, whatever. The

40:11

thing about, I think this is a good idea

40:13

to put this story

40:16

out about how I shot this

40:18

puppy in the face. You

40:21

know what this makes me think of? She

40:23

obviously had a ghostwriter. Russ

40:26

had a ghostwriter. He

40:28

may need to go through that book to

40:30

see all the little nefarious stories they

40:33

loaded into his book that he doesn't

40:35

know about. Well, they have the

40:37

story about him shooting

40:39

the lady who was selling mangoes

40:42

or whatever the chili

40:44

lime mango things on the street and

40:46

he shot her because she was scaring

40:48

the birds. Too spicy. Scaring

40:51

the birds. Too spicy and scaring the birds. He fingered a

40:53

bird. Excuse

40:55

me? I am very excited to

40:57

read that book. I

41:00

don't know if you read the end of the book. Why

41:03

did you see stuff in there? Tell

41:06

me about the fingering a bird story. Oh,

41:09

it's a magician thing. When I used to be a

41:11

magician, there used to be a way to make the

41:13

bird's wings come out when

41:16

you were like, instead of just the bird

41:18

being there like this and you produce it to make

41:21

the bird lift its arms

41:24

up like the top

41:26

of a flag, the little eagle. I

41:28

understand. I understand what you're describing.

41:31

To get the bird to this magician's

41:34

trick when they pull the bird out is

41:36

to finger it. It's a

41:38

secret, but it's not really a trick. It's not an illusion.

41:41

You really have to go. No,

41:43

you have to... Is it a

41:45

clip? I think

41:47

it's called the perineum. The perineum

41:50

of the bird. Like

41:54

the clitoris? No, the perineum.

41:57

Right, but is it like a clitoris for a bird?

42:00

My god what they're two

42:02

different things. I don't know. I'm not

42:04

a doctor. Oh my god Go

42:08

back to web MD. Do you still have that pull

42:11

pull up pull up? pull

42:13

up out of Google

42:16

bird click question

42:18

mark Siri

42:28

What if this is one of the bits I worked on and I

42:31

just pretended to come up Organically

42:36

I learned something new. Yeah, I learned

42:39

and so what's the perinium? It's uh,

42:42

I think it's the thing that makes you if you

42:45

hit it the secret button inside your

42:47

butthole that makes you feel good. I

42:51

Don't know though You

42:53

mean like when you're getting a prostate or

42:55

the old-school prostate exam and then you

42:59

You know, they're trying to check you but then you

43:01

come when I when I

43:04

had my first physical in high school I

43:06

thought when you turn your head and cough and

43:09

He was gonna stick his finger in your butt. I

43:11

didn't know it was just touching your balls a little

43:14

bit Oh to see if they right. Yeah, I was

43:16

so nervous. I remember I was like, how'd you do?

43:19

Did you get a good good good marks?

43:21

I was nervous that I I

43:23

I want I remember what wishing my

43:25

dick looked good When

43:27

my pants came down And

43:30

I was like, oh, I hope it's not like ocean ocean

43:33

soft And oceans being

43:35

nervous about that for sure. And then when

43:37

he just so, you know It's

43:39

a little cold in here guys, but then in the

43:42

army, they did stick something up my butt. What was

43:44

it? Not a joke a finger. I Don't

43:46

even know what that was for prostate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

43:48

Well that makes sense And

43:51

they just like that wasn't even I liked I liked

43:53

it too. It was not a doctor to serve Doesn't

43:58

fit I

44:00

mean, a little bit of. And

44:04

not prime to kill. Yeah. You,

44:09

sir, are going to be jumping out of planes. All right.

44:11

Next, but whole get in here. Oh,

44:14

no, no, no. Your desk job for this guy. Too

44:17

small to murder. That

44:21

should be that should be your

44:23

grapes. No, too small to murder.

44:25

Ass was too tight. Too

44:28

small to murder. In a special, I think you

44:30

called it a star fruit. And I never shook

44:32

that from my head. Oh, and

44:34

I've never seen a star fruit in real life,

44:36

but I imagine. You

44:38

see a star star fruit, right?

44:41

I know what a starburst is, but no,

44:44

not the candy. There's literally a. Right.

44:47

Isn't there a fruit called the star? Yeah, star

44:49

fruit. It's shaped not like a perfect star, but

44:51

it's I always

44:53

think of it as a star, David, so it's

44:55

Israeli. Is

44:58

it a what is going on in Israel? Oh,

45:01

let's give me your give me your thoughts.

45:03

We need an international peacekeeping force that acts

45:06

as judge and jury like the referees

45:08

at the border. If we don't get them

45:10

in there, we're never going to solve it.

45:21

How hard was that? How hard

45:23

was that? Yeah. They

45:25

did a little something called the Oslo court. They tried it,

45:28

but it was scuppered

45:30

by Mr. Netanyahu and

45:33

I think our people. I

45:35

think our people had a little little something to do

45:37

with that. Yeah. All right. Do

45:39

you ask every guest? How would they

45:41

solve the Israel conflict? No,

45:44

I don't want it solved. That's

45:47

bad for comedy. Yeah. It's bad for, you know,

45:49

I need the material. Get Trump in there. Yeah.

45:51

Joke, joke, joke. Did you see the latest thing? Trump.

45:57

Uh, again, not that this is any surprise.

46:00

at all We

46:03

but it you know six

46:05

years ago. This wouldn't have You

46:08

know you would disqualify you, but

46:10

he said to the he said to a

46:12

bunch of Auto

46:15

exec guys And

46:17

not auto exec sorry oil industry

46:19

guys at a fundraiser he's

46:22

like You guys

46:24

raise a billion dollars for my campaign

46:27

and the first thing I'm gonna do when

46:29

I get an office roll back

46:31

everything Biden did And

46:33

I'm gonna open up everything to drilling and all that

46:35

but he said to them you have

46:37

to raise a billion dollars for me donate

46:40

a billion dollars to the campaign a

46:43

Billion dollars and they're

46:45

like yeah makes sense. It sounds good. I like

46:47

this guy. Yeah, I Mean

46:50

it's when you pay more for

46:52

a meal it tastes better Yeah,

46:54

when you pay more for a president

46:56

yes, he he tastes better

47:00

Yes, Christ Do

47:03

you do several of these a day? Do

47:06

two I think I did three once it was like

47:08

that's too much. Yeah, so I do I Do

47:11

the most I'll do is two? And

47:15

then the days not I actually have to

47:17

do something after this but then To

47:22

tomorrow and then to Saturday, I know if

47:24

you don't and I go home and was

47:26

XTC cool with this I

47:29

Was going to try to license The

47:32

song but it was like 50 grand

47:34

or something Jesus nothing nothing

47:36

I would pay for So Mark

47:38

Rivers does the music he did it. He did

47:41

a great have you heard it the opening theme?

47:43

It's yeah. Yeah Yeah, it's really good There's

47:45

a whole like minute and 45

47:48

second version of it It's very as

47:50

he said like inspired by elephant six

47:52

type of you should you should do

47:55

a very long Musical

47:57

intro instead of the traditional

47:59

ten-second musical bumper to kick off a show.

48:02

When we did All

48:04

Tomorrow's Parties, do you remember John

48:06

Glazer and John Benjamin when they

48:08

came out? They started Play Baby

48:10

Hold On to Me, and

48:12

they came out for the whole

48:15

song. Yeah. Just pumping up the whole

48:17

audience, not starting their set

48:19

until the song was over. Yeah, that's their,

48:21

that's very Benjamin Glazer- I wish they still

48:23

did that. That was so fun. The Forgetta

48:25

Buddies. Yeah, the Forgetta Buddies, and they forgot

48:28

their punch line that day. Not

48:31

on, not intentionally. Not on purpose. No, it was,

48:33

what was it they were like in a clothing

48:37

store or something? No, it was that

48:39

they, the main punch line they were

48:41

supposed to get to was that the

48:43

day their show fell on was September

48:46

11th, 2009. Right, right, right, right, right.

48:48

And so they're like, you know, just,

48:50

you know, we live in New York,

48:52

we're New Yorkers, we're all New Yorkers,

48:54

and they had this long heartfelt speech,

48:57

and it was supposed to end with them saying,

48:59

never forget about it. And

49:03

instead- To let people know they were, they were

49:05

playing these two guys that were like a

49:08

comedy team called the Forgetta Buddies.

49:10

Yes, two New York comedy guys

49:12

trying to creep up in the

49:14

scene, and they were

49:17

like 20 minutes overtime or something like that.

49:19

Yes. And so someone was giving them the light

49:21

and said like, you know, we're all New York,

49:23

oh, I guess we're out of time. And they

49:25

just got off the stage before they did

49:28

their 28 minutes set up for one joke, and

49:30

then they didn't say the joke. Yeah, that's very-

49:32

Pretty gold. We, we

49:36

used to do this thing.

49:38

We did it a couple times at Bumbersuit

49:40

in Seattle, the arts festival

49:42

there. And we did- What was

49:49

it? It was called-

49:51

I think

49:55

it was the thing that we were

49:57

doing a parody of was something

49:59

called Bumber drum, bumber drum. And

50:03

it was just people drumming. It was like a drum circle, but

50:06

they gave it a dumb name and

50:08

trying to get people to see their stupid

50:10

drum circle. For peace,

50:13

sorry. It wasn't stupid. It was a drum circle. You guys

50:15

doing it. No, this was a real thing they had. So

50:17

we did bumber keys, where we all

50:20

took our keys. And

50:23

you had to see the bumber drum thing was,

50:25

hey, people passing it physically, kind of

50:28

passing the beat and tempo to somebody

50:30

else. And then they pick it up.

50:33

You know, people can't drum, whatever. And

50:35

so we did bumber keys, bumber,

50:41

obviously we had three things. Bumber keys, we

50:43

all did our keys. Hey. You

50:45

got the whole crowd to get in a circle and do that? Okay. No,

50:48

no, we do it like the three of us. And then

50:50

it was

50:52

bumber keys, then bumber clap. And

50:56

we throw it to each other. And

50:58

then glaze. Hey.

51:03

And we just did that. So we

51:05

did bumber clap, bumber keys, and then

51:07

bumber phrase, which was each

51:10

of us had a phrase like, I

51:12

wouldn't go in there or whatever. And

51:15

then we were strippers. We

51:19

were patriotic, angry leftist

51:21

strippers. So

51:25

it was mystery cat, pirate. And

51:32

we just grabbed whatever thing, some from like

51:34

a CBS or something. And

51:36

so there was like the green, I

51:43

can't remember what it was, the green stranger, which was

51:45

just like a green mask that Glazer

51:47

had. And then there was pirate cat. And

51:50

then there was something else. And

51:52

then we did this

51:55

whole rant about the,