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your confidence journey today with Bite. Hey

1:03

guys,

1:10

how are you? Good. Thank

1:12

you for coming down. Thank

1:15

you so much. Okay, okay. Thank

1:18

you. So,

1:22

thank you so much for coming down. This

1:24

is going to be fun. I'm

1:28

going to, no, let's not assume. Let's

1:30

not assume, because when you assume something, it

1:33

makes an ass you out of me. So

1:37

how many people here

1:39

are familiar with the

1:41

podcast? Not

1:44

that many. See,

1:47

I would have been wrong to assume. Okay,

1:50

well, so for

1:52

those, there's nothing much to it. It's,

1:56

I know it's called titled since it's

1:58

working over time, but it's. It's, that's

2:01

only because the people who

2:04

were nagging me to do a podcast forever, when I

2:06

said, okay, I'll just, I'll do it, and I'll just

2:08

go talk to my friends. And they're like, no, no,

2:10

you gotta have a hook. And I

2:12

don't know why, I'll just

2:15

talk to, I

2:17

know I've been doing it for a long, I'm

2:19

pretty good at it, I'm pretty good. And

2:21

they said, no, you gotta have a hook, then walked

2:24

around trying to figure out something then it occurred to

2:26

me, oh, I'll talk about the five

2:28

senses and use that as a jumping off

2:30

point for a conversation. Cause I don't give

2:32

a shit what the best thing you ever

2:34

ate was, I don't, I truly don't care. And

2:38

then we started doing it and I, I

2:41

think I've yet to ask one question.

2:43

I'm just having fun with my friends. So

2:46

I'm going to bring up my,

2:50

well, my first guest for this evening, but my only

2:52

guest for y'all. You gotta, unless you want to come

2:55

back and see the second guest. But for this episode,

2:59

which is sponsored by, sorry,

3:03

there's a thing floating around. It's

3:08

sponsored by, it's

3:12

something that

3:14

helps your penis get erect. I

3:18

don't remember the brand name, but it's one of those. What

3:21

is it? Bluechoo. It's

3:28

a pill that you chew, but it's yummy. You

3:34

know how that's been the problem? You know, that's been

3:36

the big issue when you're like, ah, I

3:38

mean, I want to fuck this woman or

3:41

guy. It doesn't matter. I don't care. But

3:46

I don't want to swallow a pill

3:48

with water. I'd rather

3:50

chew it, but when I chew it,

3:52

it's bitter. Well, well,

3:56

guess what, niche audience. Anyway,

4:01

so our guest tonight, truly

4:05

one of the great

4:09

comedians has been for

4:11

decades and a

4:14

inspiration and a truly

4:19

decent good person.

4:22

Please welcome Mr. Patton Oswell. Thank

4:27

you. Now,

4:36

Patton, I always let the guests

4:38

choose which chair they would like to

4:40

sit in. Some

4:43

people have a good side, some people have a bad side. Should

4:47

we let the audience decide? No, I'm looking at the... I'm

4:50

gonna sit here. Okay. All right. Ah,

4:53

fuck. All right. What

4:59

if I literally spent the first half hour

5:01

of this just, hey, no, I meant get

5:04

up, up, up. Okay, yep.

5:06

Sure. Fuck, hang on. All

5:09

right. Okay, I'll switch that up over there. You know

5:11

what? Just bring me up again. Let me...

5:14

Let's do it. Let me not think about it. Let

5:16

me clear my head and I'll just come right up. And then...

5:18

Here, I'll tell you what. Here. I don't

5:20

even want to make it like... Okay. A visual

5:22

thing. We'll put that... Oh,

5:25

all right. Go. Okay.

5:28

Here we go. Hang on. Don't sit

5:30

the parking lot. Go ask for the parking lot. It does

5:32

happen. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Pat and Adam.

5:34

That's right. That's right. That's right.

5:37

That one. That one. That

5:39

one. That one. Amazing. Fuck,

5:42

it is. That one. That

5:44

one. That one. That

5:46

one. That one. That one. That

5:49

one. That one. That one.

5:51

That one. That one. That

5:54

one. That

5:57

one. That one.

6:00

All right. OK. Hi.

6:03

Hey, I just want to switch things up. Oh,

6:05

yes. OK. Thank you. I

6:07

got to sit forward because I look like a frigging toddler.

6:09

I forget. I keep forgetting how

6:11

short my legs are. I'm just like, so

6:14

it's fun. Is this going to be on a computer?

6:17

Oh, my god. That's going to be fun. It's

6:20

your tribute to,

6:23

oh, you know, Ruth. What's

6:26

the Lily Tomlin? Oh,

6:29

the little. Ruth Ann. Ruth Ann? Yes,

6:33

there you go, the little. Did everyone

6:35

stop and pay tribute to the Don

6:37

Adams gravestone on the way in? It

6:40

literally says, would you believe on it? He

6:43

got his catchphrase on there. I'm not going

6:46

to have a catchphrase from my

6:48

Hollywood headstone. You should. You should think about it. What would it

6:50

be? I know what my. I'm

6:53

not going to get buried.

6:57

I'm going to be dissected.

6:59

But then I'm going to. And

7:03

then you'll die. And then made into a smoothie. It's

7:11

a thing I contracted with moon juice.

7:13

But anyway,

7:16

so I know

7:19

what my epitaph would be. So

7:23

I'm going to get a gravestone just to

7:25

do this. But I'm not going

7:27

to. There'll be nothing in there. You know,

7:30

but so you guys know that don't don't try

7:32

to bury me up

7:35

at midnight. But yeah, but visit. I'll rise up

7:37

on my own. No,

7:41

but it says it'll say here

7:44

lies David Cross. His

7:46

last wish was to be cremated. Man.

7:52

Fantastic. So and but

7:55

think of one. What would your what would your thing be?

7:57

I have never once thought about that.

8:00

I have no idea. I just, death

8:02

to me, because I don't, and

8:04

I'm not like some nihilistic

8:07

atheist, or I don't know what comes after

8:09

us, but I just, there's

8:11

so much shit I want to do right now that the last

8:13

thing on my list is to then plan what

8:16

my death, funeral, grapes, all that

8:18

shit, I don't care. I got, other shit

8:20

I gotta finish. Well,

8:22

you shouldn't care. You shouldn't, it's somebody

8:24

else's burden. Yeah, exactly, they gotta deal

8:26

with it. They'll deal with it. But

8:28

I mean, I'm just asking, what

8:30

would your tombstone say? Fuck.

8:39

What if it did just say fuck?

8:41

But it was not just, it's like

8:43

ellipsis, lowercase, F-U-C-K, and then ellipsis, like

8:46

I'm muttering it as they're visiting the

8:48

grave, like, oh fuck. And maybe the

8:50

letters are going, trailing down. They're slowly

8:53

going down. Yeah, that'd be a good.

8:58

Do you have a favorite dead person here?

9:02

Well, I think one of the, I

9:05

think Vampira's buried out there for

9:08

now. I went to, I went

9:11

to Malandir. You have something planned,

9:13

something saucy planned? Come on. Look,

9:15

I love the silver screen, my friend. No,

9:18

I went to her actual, our

9:21

friend Dana Gould did her memorial,

9:23

and it was so beautiful. And

9:25

there's something about this cemetery

9:28

that is just, it's not even like

9:30

forest lawn, it's on a beautiful, you

9:32

cannot hide the fact that you're just

9:34

in Hollywood. You're on,

9:38

off of Santa Monica Boulevard, you can hear

9:40

the traffic going by, you could, and

9:42

that, so there's, Hollywood is in that

9:44

traffic. You're like, who is that? That's

9:46

Liam Neeson, I bet. Yeah,

9:51

I just love the, I love the idea of,

9:54

you just reach a certain level in this

9:56

business, and you just kind of coast, and then boom, you're

9:58

just tossed in this grave here. I

10:00

don't know. I don't believe in ghosts,

10:03

but if there were ghosts, the idea

10:05

that Mickey Rooney and Ann Haysh and

10:07

Johnny Ramone and Vampira and Don Adams

10:09

get up at night and talk to

10:11

each other, that's... And talk to them.

10:13

And they must have an awesome band

10:15

in heaven, man. Fucking. Well, they talk

10:17

to each other. Steve Van Zant and

10:20

Buddy Holly and Keith

10:22

Moon on drums, Jimmy playing guitar,

10:24

man. And Don Adams singing into

10:27

his shoe. And

10:30

also the idea that it's them and then

10:32

a million Armenians with the most

10:36

garish, kitschy

10:38

gravestones I've ever seen in my

10:40

life with these horrible

10:42

etched faces. But I imagine

10:45

them getting on like Ann

10:47

Haysh, like, you just have this name

10:49

and that's it. I have a whole picture. I'm

10:51

holding dog. This is bullshit. Why

10:54

did they not... You are a huge movie star.

10:56

Why do they disrespect you like this? I

11:00

was carpet salesman and I have

11:02

mausoleum. I

11:05

used to live in little Armenia when I

11:07

first moved here. So did I. We lived

11:09

right around the corner from each other. I

11:12

was at Franklin and Normandy. Oh,

11:14

yeah. I was at... Well, we shot at the

11:16

house. You were right up on Franklin, yeah. We

11:19

shot at Mr. Show's sketch here. The... The...

11:21

The Mutzter. Oh, no shit.

11:24

Yeah. Monster... Monster Mask. Oh, my gosh.

11:26

Whatever that one was... Was here. Yeah.

11:29

And... Oh,

11:32

yeah. So... So I used to think

11:34

to like... Because you would see Armenians

11:36

and I don't think it was called Little

11:39

Armenia yet. It eventually became... No. Yeah. But

11:41

I would always think... I

11:43

wanted to say to people

11:45

to let the people that they know

11:47

are going to travel to the states

11:50

immigrate here to not... You

11:55

don't have to pack... Take

11:57

up all that room with those shitty

11:59

cosmonauts. because they're here for like a dollar. You

12:04

don't need to bring them with you. Yeah, they're there. I

12:08

remember I lived right in where Armand

12:10

Power, that the Armenian gang was, and

12:12

it was like guys in white

12:14

Peter T-shirts and

12:17

black jeans, but all they

12:19

seemed to do... You just described the kind

12:21

of, that's every gang's... Well, but they had

12:23

a very specific look to them, and they...

12:27

That you just described, Khasidim. Oh,

12:29

okay. Well, anyway, they all seemed

12:31

to... They all looked like... Oh,

12:35

fuck, I'm blanking on the band. What was the 90s band that had that look to

12:37

them? System

12:39

of a Down? No. Close.

12:42

No, they did the

12:44

cover of Ring of Fire and Take

12:47

Away This Ball and Chain. Social

12:49

Distortion. Yeah, yeah. Social D. Yeah,

12:52

Social D. It looked like Social D was on my... It

12:54

looked like there was 80 members of Social D on my

12:56

block, but all they would do is

12:58

they would like... A domestic

13:00

dispute would erupt, and they

13:02

would show up and make it 10 times worse. That's all...

13:05

That seemed to be the aim of their

13:08

gang, is to make domestic disturbances way worse

13:10

than they need to be. It

13:12

was pretty cool. How

13:14

do you make money from that, I wonder? I'm

13:17

not sure, but they seem to be thriving,

13:19

so there's money in there somewhere. All right,

13:21

cool. Yeah. I have to let

13:24

you know before I

13:26

forget that Patton was good

13:29

enough to jump

13:31

in for the show because I had

13:33

somebody lined up for

13:36

months, really, and then on Wednesday, as

13:39

I was getting ready to go to the airport to come here,

13:41

it was Will Arnett.

13:47

And then I get a text

13:49

from my manager who got an

13:51

email from his publicist saying,

13:56

he's so sorry, but he can't do the show. And

13:59

that is some fucking... That is some Hollywood bullshit.

14:02

Wait, don't you know him? Yeah. He

14:04

couldn't have texted you. I texted him and

14:06

I was like, dude, with a question mark?

14:10

Never heard back. Really? Yeah.

14:15

I mean, his publicist went through

14:17

my manager. What

14:20

the mother fuck? Anyway, I was pissed

14:22

off and my wife's like, what's going

14:24

on? I'm like, fucking will just...

14:27

He didn't even call me. And then she said, call

14:29

Patton. And

14:33

I called you right away. Yeah,

14:35

I'd love to. Thanks. That's a

14:37

friend. That's

14:41

a mensch. That's a true mensch. That

14:46

said, I do want to start making

14:48

plans with my friends, just

14:51

normal everyday plans, and then have my PR people

14:53

update them. I'm going to

14:55

go meet Brian and Jared and go see Furiosa and then just

14:57

go, hey, this is Kevin McLaughlin's, Patton's

14:59

publicist. He's at the

15:01

Chinese six right now. He just got there kind of early. Just

15:03

want to let you know. He wanted me to let you know.

15:05

I'm going to start having my publicist text my friends when I'm

15:08

going to go get lunch with them. I've

15:11

always wanted... I started

15:13

to pitch a sketch back in the day about people

15:15

who communicate with me. People

15:23

who communicate, have an argument

15:25

through edibles, or what it's

15:27

called, like what are the...

15:29

not edibles. What

15:32

are the fruit, the delivery that's the

15:34

fruit? Edible arrangements. Edible

15:36

arrangements, yes. So they

15:41

get these grander and grander

15:43

packages that are all passive-aggressive.

15:47

And this is true. This

15:50

is true, what I'm about to say. When

15:52

I was living

15:54

in an old apartment building,

15:56

condo in Brooklyn, There

16:00

was a woman who her

16:03

husband had two young kids, young

16:06

couple, and her husband died in a terrible

16:08

freak, like

16:11

windsurfing or something accident. And

16:14

it was on the news and we all knew about it.

16:16

And I didn't know the woman very well, but I knew

16:18

she lived in the building and I had seen her. And

16:21

just a horrific situation.

16:25

And I came in, this is maybe two days later,

16:28

I came in and on the front desk,

16:30

you know, where the guy is, there

16:32

is an edible arrangement. Oh

16:34

no. Yes, I'm not making

16:36

this up with like, whatever, I

16:38

don't remember a name, I wouldn't say it in any

16:41

way, but it would be like, Lynn, so sorry to

16:43

hear the news, whatever. And it's like pineapple and strawberries.

16:48

I hope this pineapple takes

16:51

the sting out of becoming

16:54

a widow. What

16:56

an edible arrangement. What if they had

16:58

cut like, sorry, what if

17:01

they had cut like cantaloupe and

17:03

pineapple to make like a guy

17:05

windsurf, like that was the, they

17:07

actually made the arrangements. It's like

17:10

eat your pain, eat your pain away.

17:12

Eat your pain, please. It's

17:15

symbolic. Holy shit.

17:18

Patton, do you, I don't know if you

17:21

feel comfortable talking about what you can, but

17:23

do you wanna talk about, I

17:26

have a story to tell after this,

17:28

but the day the clown cried. Reading.

17:31

Yes. That wasn't. Oh

17:34

God, okay, so we, I

17:36

would do these invite only, this is before

17:38

the internet basically, this is like when he

17:40

hits basically at AOL, invite

17:42

only would flyer these things.

17:45

Readings of the screenplay for Jerry Lewis's

17:48

The Day the Clown Cried, which started

17:50

as a very straight ahead dramatic

17:54

movie. This is legendary. Legendary,

17:56

unseen movie about

17:58

a clown in Auschwitz. who the,

18:02

hang on, that's not the, and

18:04

the Nazi, the

18:08

Nazis at a rain the camp, need him

18:10

to play with and distract

18:14

and calm the children down to march

18:16

them into the ovens. And-

18:19

Well, that's the end of the movie. That's

18:21

the end, yeah. There's a lot that happens

18:23

in between. There's not a montage set to

18:25

Brown Eyed Girl, where he's like walking kids

18:27

into the oven. That would be horrible. That's

18:30

the end. It leads up to that. But

18:33

it was done as a very straight dramatic

18:35

movie. And then Jerry Lewis bought the rights

18:37

to it and added some

18:40

Jerry Lewis-ims to it. He

18:42

directed it. He directed it and started

18:44

it. In Sweden, he shot it in

18:46

Sweden, right? He shot it in Sweden.

18:49

And he, I'm thinking was at the

18:51

height of his pill addiction. Yes,

18:55

oh, absolutely. And there

18:57

is a documentary, which is available. It's in

18:59

Swedish, I believe. But they have some footage

19:01

of him on the set and he's very,

19:03

very serious. But because

19:06

it's a serious matter, you know,

19:10

and it was much closer to it, we're

19:12

so removed from it now, the Holocaust. But

19:14

back when he was making this, it was

19:16

still very fresh to a lot of people

19:18

and he wanted

19:21

to do it right. Except

19:24

in the script, in the script, he

19:27

couldn't resist adding comedy bits.

19:33

And his notes are in the script, so we

19:35

would do- It's Jerry Lewis comedy too. There's nothing

19:37

subtle at all. It's

19:40

really, really cold in the morning and he

19:42

gets up to use the bathroom and he's

19:44

peeing and you hear like ice, like

19:47

he's peeing ice, like this funny

19:49

sound effect. And

19:51

then there's a thing where his socks stand up by

19:54

themselves. And there's literally a note in the script going,

19:56

no, the socks need

19:58

discussion, like producer. producers.

20:01

So I would have David Cross

20:03

would read the stage directions

20:05

and we I mean had everyone in

20:08

there Bob Odenkirk,

20:10

Paul F. Tompkins, the

20:13

first person who read the role of the clown

20:15

was Toby Huss. Toby Huss. And then

20:17

one time he couldn't do it so then we

20:19

got and he was fucking brilliant

20:23

Jay Johnston read the

20:26

clown. Yeah. There's a lot of weirdness

20:28

attached to this. So and

20:30

we did we did it successfully a number

20:32

of times. A bunch of times at the Largo very

20:35

very quietly not

20:37

quietly like it was just invite only we didn't and

20:39

then word got out and then they didn't they made

20:41

it a pick of the week in the LA Weekly.

20:44

So there was a whole so we went out to

20:46

the powerhouse theater in Santa Monica to do it and

20:49

we were served with a let

20:52

a season to sis letter. Season to sis. Not

20:54

from Jerry Lewis. Here's what's even crazier about it.

20:57

Jerry Lewis barely never really had the right

20:59

that's one of the reasons it got held

21:01

up also because Paramount looked at it and

21:03

went we're not fucking ever putting this out.

21:06

We are never putting this out. It's

21:08

it's insane. It is same. Harry

21:10

Shearer is one of the few people

21:12

who's actually saw a rough cut and he said it would be

21:15

like I love this quote so much. It'd

21:17

be like going down to Tijuana and

21:19

seeing a painting on black velvet of

21:21

Auschwitz. Like that's how tasteless this

21:24

fucking thing is. And

21:26

but that thing of like no no I'm doing

21:28

this as a tribute like you can't do this

21:31

on tattoo. It's black velvet. Or be it Mac

21:33

Frey and like day glow. So I

21:36

get served by this this lawyer who

21:38

was there's a guy who actually owned

21:40

the rights to the original script and

21:43

who came down and was

21:45

screaming at me like you and

21:47

your little fucking C-list

21:50

nobodies and like it's like

21:52

Dave Foley and Jack Black are in this thing. I

21:54

mean and by the way they weren't they weren't huge

21:56

yet but it was like we ended up going to

21:58

New York. Stephen Colbert did it like. But

22:00

that is the reason if you

22:03

have a legal issue.

22:05

It's the, it's, he'd be

22:08

okay if it was Keanu Reeves. Oh, it was in

22:10

the way. Oh my God, he's so happy. Yeah, yeah,

22:12

yeah. Get Paulie Shore, who was huge at the time.

22:14

Yeah, at the time. If it had been- Encino man,

22:16

right? If I could have brought

22:18

out Rob Schneider, he would have gone, oh, God

22:20

bless, yes, absolutely. This is

22:23

in like the late 90s. And

22:25

at one point he screamed at me.

22:27

Remember he kept screaming, I just hosted

22:30

a party at Sundance for 600

22:32

people. And I got

22:34

to hear about this fucking thing. He's like screaming at

22:36

me. And he also goes, I have,

22:40

I have Robin Williams and Chevy Chase

22:42

interested in this. And

22:45

then I actually had this weird moment

22:48

of like, part of me

22:50

really would love to see Chevy Chase like

22:52

in this movie. If

22:55

by any means I jeopardize that,

22:58

I must. So I- He's literally

23:00

the equivalent. It's generations

23:02

equivalent. Yes, exactly. So

23:04

I got spooked, but we did this

23:07

thing and Bob and David,

23:09

again, they kind of kicked it off where

23:11

they just, we just improvised a whole show

23:13

about the show being shut down. And you

23:16

and Bob read that

23:18

you- Like agents or something. Yeah, well,

23:20

no, you're the guy who owned it. And Bob

23:22

is the agent coming to you. I matter than

23:24

you. I matter than you.

23:26

All right. We'll sue the skin off

23:28

these fucking punks. At one point he

23:31

yelled at you, he goes, Chevy

23:33

Chase was born to play a

23:35

clown that marches children into an

23:37

oven. But

23:41

it was, it was, it was

23:44

a truly amazing, unique, one

23:46

of a, it will never be done again. It

23:48

was a great experience that the people had because it was sold

23:51

out the theater and there was a lot of debate. Do you

23:53

know, we were talking backstage. We do it anyway. What do we

23:55

do? What do we do? What do we do? What happens? Do

23:57

we do it and change the name? What, how do we do

23:59

this? And the guy kind of,

24:01

you know, did freak you out. Because he's insane. The guy

24:03

was nuts. He was really scared. Like in that Hollywood

24:06

nuts. And so

24:09

the decision was made. Like, okay, let's

24:11

just. Also, I think he was threatening to sue the

24:13

theater. I'm like, well, I can't drag the fucking theater

24:15

into this. That's not my. He's gonna sue the theater.

24:17

If he's just gonna sue me, maybe, even though I

24:19

still probably would have pushed out. But if I'm gonna,

24:21

I can't, you can't take someone else down with you,

24:23

you know? So, but we ended

24:26

up doing this whole, you started,

24:29

you started a version where it was an interpretive dance.

24:32

And I remember at one point, you did a

24:34

flip over this couch and you clearly landed badly

24:37

on your back because it was very graceful. But

24:39

then you came up and did this kind of,

24:42

like, oh my God, I'm in so much

24:44

pain. And then it was, the whole thing

24:46

was just insane. And

24:48

did Amy Mann sing a song? Because Amy

24:50

was there, right? Amy was there. I don't

24:53

know if she sang a song.

24:55

I did think, when we did it at the

24:57

Largo, she would sing, send in the clowns. Oh,

24:59

right. At the beginning. She would come out and

25:01

sing that. I think she might've done it. And

25:03

then I was like, Foley was there and everybody

25:05

had a part and everybody came on. It was

25:07

just like a long herald, which is a type

25:10

of improv, you know, that just keeps going. And

25:12

it was, it was awesome. We, we improved a

25:14

non-reading of the Day of the Clown cried. It

25:16

was pretty, and then later on, I remember when

25:19

Jerry Lewis came through town at

25:21

the Pantages doing damn Yankees, I

25:23

got us all tickets. Yes. To

25:25

go see him. It

25:27

was fucking lunacy. That

25:29

was, it was, first of

25:31

all, we were all at the very last row.

25:34

Way up in the balcony. And it was, I'm

25:36

going to say about 101 degrees and humid. I

25:42

took my shirt off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were just like,

25:44

this is awful. And there's no

25:46

ventilation or AC or anything. And then, so

25:50

there's a point in, in

25:52

all the audiences, 99% blue haired, you know, old

25:57

people loving it. Oh, let's go see

25:59

Jerry Lewis. this will be wonderful. And

26:01

then there's like 1% that are people

26:03

like us who are, you know, this

26:05

is ironic. Hipsters. Yeah. With

26:09

a love for musical theater. And

26:14

there's a point in the production

26:17

where he plays

26:19

the devil, right? Plays

26:21

the devil. Mender Applegate. Yep.

26:24

And he is center stage and

26:27

the guy, somebody from the Wings

26:30

throws a cane. Yep. That

26:32

he's going to use in the song. And

26:35

so you see the hand,

26:37

which is weird. That's like a

26:39

clue that something's off. So you see the hand,

26:42

throw the cane and Jerry

26:44

Lewis misses it. And

26:47

he proceeds to spend,

26:49

I'm going to say seven

26:52

minutes. Yep. Seven minutes.

26:55

This is long. Long seven minutes. Mugging

26:58

and, you know,

27:02

try it again. And then

27:05

purposely missing. He tried to put

27:07

cane flipping action. Purposely missing the

27:09

cane each time and people are

27:11

loving it. Like

27:14

it's not planned. Like it's not the

27:16

dumbest fucking thing that he decided to

27:18

do. And it's going on and on.

27:20

Like, you know, you just want to

27:22

catch the fucking cane. Let's go.

27:25

I got a babysitter to

27:27

get back to. It has nothing

27:29

to, by the way, the whole musical has stopped at

27:31

this point. He's on stage alone and

27:33

it's just Jerry Lewis doing old vaudeville one liners

27:36

and then trying to catch the cane and he

27:38

flips it up and then doesn't get it. And

27:40

then there's a joke and they

27:42

clearly worked it out where, remember the guy off stage throws like

27:44

30 canes out. Like just grab

27:46

one and you're like, that's the joke. But

27:49

it is clearly like, they're like, we're doing this. Isn't

27:51

part of Damien Yankees. Well, if you want Jerry Lewis

27:53

that I got to do this and he comes out

27:55

and does this whole thing that has nothing

27:58

to do with it. That's amazing. And you

28:00

can just do that. He kept saying, women aren't

28:02

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29:15

Yeah, amazing. I

29:18

want to tell a story. Oh boy. I

29:21

want to tell my version and then you

29:23

tell your version. Oh please. Okay,

29:26

alright. So long

29:28

long long time ago we

29:31

were all, you know the

29:33

alt comedy, alt comics. We were

29:35

all up in Bumbershoot, Seattle.

29:38

Our alt comedy,

29:43

you know, theater camp

29:45

basically. And the whole

29:47

mid 90s Largo scene all went up to

29:49

Bumbershoot that year. All of us. And

29:54

it was like we owned it. I mean we had

29:56

the greatest time and we were

29:58

young and energetic. and full

30:00

of alcohol and drugs, just doing shows. And

30:03

it was just great. It was the greatest,

30:05

greatest time. And Bubbershoot's an amazing arts festival,

30:08

or at least it was. I

30:10

don't know if it is. And

30:14

Patton, we were

30:16

all staying at different places, and

30:19

Patton got

30:21

this thing planned for to go. What's

30:27

the name of the sesquama? Qualamy

30:29

Falls, which is in the opening credits at

30:31

Twin Peaks. Let's go see the falls. It's

30:34

roughly an hour out of travel. Yeah, so

30:36

it's about an hour. And

30:40

Patton spearheads us. Yeah,

30:43

it's gonna be cool. We'll leave 10 a.m.,

30:45

we'll leave from Lisa Langeng's hotel. Well, me too, because

30:48

he was at the fancy one at the Four Seasons.

30:50

Okay, I'll tell my side in a second. Yeah, yeah,

30:52

yeah. So there are, I wanna

30:55

say three, if not four car loads

30:57

of people that are going. There's a

30:59

good 20 people going.

31:02

And we're driving along, and

31:05

it's a long drive, and then we're like,

31:07

the other cars on the

31:10

pulling up and making faces and stuff

31:12

and whatever. And then we finally get

31:15

into the parking lot, because it's now

31:17

a tourist attraction. And

31:20

it's beautiful. It is really cool. And

31:22

we all get out of the cars, and we're

31:25

walking towards kind of the entrance to

31:27

this national park.

31:29

And like, where's Patton?

31:35

Is he with you guys? And every

31:37

single person's like, I thought he was with you. Wait,

31:42

I don't, he wasn't in your car? No. We

31:47

left Patton. And

31:51

it was the funniest, saddest thing.

31:53

Yeah. Well, at once

31:55

it was really sad, but

31:57

also really funny. That

32:00

motherfucker's sitting at the

32:03

Four Seasons lobby going, guys, what the

32:05

fuck? It

32:09

was that, okay, that's that thing where all,

32:11

everyone I know is in one place at the

32:13

same time. I've also done this on some Vegas

32:15

trips where you're all excited, we'll all go to

32:18

fucking Vegas for the weekend. And by day two,

32:20

you realize, oh my God, going

32:22

to get breakfast takes four hours because we've

32:24

got a, and this is before, none of

32:26

us had cell phones. So we're all, well,

32:28

she's running late, we'll meet. So we all

32:30

went to Lisa Langen's hotel. Finally, we

32:32

all got breakfast. And it was one of

32:34

those things where everyone, half of us are

32:36

hungover. Probably some of us want

32:39

ecstasy. We're in our fucking 20s and 30s. We're

32:41

not thinking straight. And everyone piled in the

32:43

cars and I went to use the restroom.

32:45

And you described it later.

32:47

And it was actually exactly how you

32:50

described, you pictured me walking

32:52

out with my to-go coffee.

32:54

Yeah. And like, it wasn't even

32:56

lobby. I walk out of the hotels, I'm looking at the

32:58

street like, did everyone? And

33:01

then I realized they fucking went

33:03

without me. And then I just walked back

33:05

to my hotel with my coffee. And

33:07

that way, but it was so- Did you

33:10

think that we did it on purpose or did

33:12

you kind of figure we all, like

33:14

we weren't that cruel? No, no,

33:16

no, I absolutely knew. Because that whole weekend,

33:18

as fun as it was, you

33:20

gotta admit it was chaos.

33:23

Like getting anything planned, anything

33:25

like, it was just, let's

33:27

hopefully all meet together and then just

33:29

drink until the place closes. I remember

33:31

we ended up down at that place, Kells near

33:34

the water and me and John

33:36

Glaser and you and

33:39

we're just like riffing stuff. And some kid

33:41

was hanging out with us, from

33:43

the festival, he wasn't a comedian. He's like, are

33:45

you guys freestyling right now? Like,

33:47

what the fuck? Freestyling. Freestyling.

33:49

But it was all this

33:51

weird blur. And also David

33:54

is the king of, and I love this

33:56

about you, but you're like, this place has

33:58

the most. you know, like

34:01

amazing beef, chili, barbecue, like

34:04

your stomach can take food. I remember we were

34:06

in the airport, Blaine and I, and Blaine was

34:08

like, are you just basically shitting water right now?

34:10

I'm like, yeah, I am, because we

34:12

tried to keep up with David Cross going,

34:14

this place, they slaughter the hog right in

34:16

front of you, and it just falls off

34:18

with a fucking skeleton, you gotta eat notes.

34:20

And you're doing that while you're hungover and

34:22

we're hungover, it's like, why am I trying

34:24

to keep pace with this motherfucker? I'm gonna

34:26

die. So there was just, there

34:28

was a lot of that. But

34:30

I would say you're a very,

34:33

you're very food focused, and

34:36

you've turned me on to a

34:38

lot of great stuff. Oh yeah,

34:40

but there is a Iron Man

34:42

element to your eating. You go

34:44

places where you're just like, but

34:46

not even the food, but the

34:48

situation where it's like, I

34:50

remember him being hammered at 3 a.m. and

34:53

it's 10 a.m. now, and he's gonna

34:55

go to the pork store on Hate Street and

34:58

have a triple cheese pork

35:01

crackling scramble, and I just,

35:03

it's making me sick thinking about it,

35:05

and I know it's not gonna affect

35:07

him. I don't

35:09

know, it was amazing. Let's

35:13

flash forward to a couple decades and

35:15

not do it so well. Yeah,

35:17

yeah, yeah, it's not the same situation. No

35:20

one runs forever, man. It's just like,

35:22

well, okay, I guess. Bob and I

35:25

are gonna climb Machu Picchu in a

35:27

couple weeks. Women for real? Yeah, yeah.

35:30

Is there like a barbecue place at the top that

35:32

you're gonna get? Or something? Yeah. Get

35:36

to the top of my, it's the way

35:38

the Incan's in it. They sacrifice a tourist

35:40

and you eat the flesh. Bob learned long

35:42

ago not to like, yeah, you can go

35:44

up on your own. I don't give a

35:46

shit, you know. No, we're going to do

35:48

it because of, in part because of mortality,

35:52

which I know sounds like a

35:54

joke, but the

35:56

whole thing started with, I

36:00

hadn't wanted to climb Machu Picchu

36:02

for decades. And last

36:04

summer, I was thinking, oh man, I

36:06

really gotta get to Machu Picchu. And then I thought, oh fuck

36:09

that, I'm gonna do it. I don't give a shit, I'm going

36:11

to do it. And I'm

36:13

not gonna wait, I'm gonna do it. And I

36:15

thought, oh, who can, who do I know that

36:17

likes hiking that can hang out

36:19

with me for, you know, can stomach me

36:21

for a week and a half. And I

36:24

was like, oh Bob, Bob loves hiking. You

36:26

know, and so, but

36:30

it's because I really

36:32

am starting to feel my

36:36

body change and, you

36:39

know, I've got orthotics in these,

36:41

I do. Really, yeah. I

36:43

got orthotics. Let's see them. Let's

36:47

do it. I have to

36:49

have a certain shoe. This is a neutral shoe. I

36:51

didn't even know that was a thing, but it's a

36:53

neutral shoe. And here's

36:55

my orthotic. Oh, that was custom

36:58

measured to your foot. No, I just

37:00

got off some guy. All right. Yeah, it's, yeah,

37:02

I had to go to one. You went on

37:04

the orthotics web, the dark orthotics web. I

37:08

just, I emailed Aaron Rogers and

37:10

said, hey man, what

37:14

do I do? You

37:17

go, I haven't had the facts, I'm good. I'm cool, you

37:19

can talk to me. It

37:23

is weird that we are now, because it's

37:25

weird, we were just talking about being a

37:27

bumbershoot in the early 90s, doing the Day

37:29

of the Clown cried, who gives a fuck,

37:32

we'll do whatever the fuck we want, because

37:34

we're, you know, no one knows who we

37:36

are. And now, oh, we are now at

37:38

that age of the comedians that

37:40

we saw starting to age out at that time,

37:42

and we're seeing a younger wave

37:44

coming in. And I'm just

37:48

seeing that it's

37:50

so much more valuable just to embrace whatever

37:52

you are at the time, rather than, because

37:54

I remember a lot of comedians,

37:56

older comedians at the time that were

37:58

my age now, they were

38:00

still 23 and it was really sad. And

38:02

I never want to do that. Yeah. Ever.

38:05

I'm just like, no, this is my life

38:07

now. And his, you know, I'm always like,

38:09

I have no shame about like, can

38:11

I go on first and then go home? I don't want

38:14

to be the guy closing this show

38:16

out. Can I just please? I'll open the show. Yeah.

38:19

I mean, I'm, I'm doing, I'm

38:22

going the other direction. I'm just copying Matt

38:24

Rife. I really like, uh,

38:27

the first thing you got to

38:29

do is look good. Comedy is

38:31

about looking fucking cut. Yes, exactly.

38:33

And, um, you

38:36

know, that's the basis of all comedy. Yeah. You

38:38

got to, you got to look good. And we

38:40

all remember Groucho Marx's lats. They

38:43

were, you could carve cheese on those

38:45

fucking things, man. And

38:51

like, if I, yeah, like, uh, I

38:53

think of like hotties like Andy Kaufman,

38:55

you know, and like, yeah,

39:01

I mean, it's, uh, it's, well, it's been an amazing,

39:03

listen, this has been an amazing comment. I don't know

39:05

what part of this festival I liked because

39:07

there's been so much great comedy, you know,

39:09

the, um, the football player

39:12

roast with the other football players. The

39:15

golf invitational was great. That 5k

39:17

run they did two days ago.

39:19

So much great cutting edge comedy

39:21

that's going on. I

39:23

think my, my three favorite kind of

39:25

iconic moments in comedy, uh, Richard Pryor

39:28

live in concert, obviously, um,

39:30

watching the Netflix executives get their pictures with Tom

39:32

Brady. That's definitely number two. And

39:35

then, um, Steve Martin's let's get small.

39:37

Like you to be present at those

39:39

moments when you feel comedy evolving and

39:42

moving forward. It's, you

39:44

know, and I'll say this too, like, and, and, you

39:46

know, I never thought I'd say this. Watching

39:49

the Netflix execs get their picture with Tom

39:51

Brady has replaced watching the,

39:53

um, HBO execs, uh, do

39:55

rails at Aspen back in the night. That

39:57

was also a really, when you really

40:00

see comedy, you know, nail and grab its

40:02

essence. I think that's really important that that's

40:04

still happening these days. Well that's, I'm, that's

40:06

great for you and it's great for you

40:08

to say and I appreciate it. Yeah, yeah,

40:11

yeah. And I

40:13

forgot that Netflix was attached to this

40:15

in any way whatsoever. Because

40:20

it's not diverse, that's

40:23

for sure. I'm

40:28

doing the 2B festival next month. You want to,

40:31

let me know if you're free. I

40:34

just got a text from Maya Rudolph's PR person.

40:36

She can't do my podcast, so. No,

40:41

I'm going to be in, I'm going

40:43

to be appearing at the, it's

40:48

all yesterday's parties, which is a,

40:52

inspired by all tomorrow's parties, but

40:54

it's not nearly as good

40:56

and it'll

40:59

be in Hudson Valley at Cacio

41:05

at Pepe's, it's

41:08

an auto repair place. I'm sorry, my

41:10

heart just got really heavy when you, I did all

41:12

tomorrow's parties, I got to curate the comedy one year

41:15

and that was like, oh,

41:18

this is how comedy is going to be for a while and I

41:20

felt, I didn't know what was going

41:22

to start happening in like 10 years, but that was,

41:24

all tomorrow's parties was one of the best festivals I've

41:26

ever been to. Oh, awesome. It was just, and that

41:29

one of those festivals where, where was this? This

41:31

was up at, the

41:34

old Catskill place, Kutchers. Kutchers? I did that.

41:36

Oh my God, it was amazing. Wait, did

41:38

they do? I did the year where your

41:40

passes were in that wallet. Remember they gave

41:42

me the wallet? I made a different, and

41:44

I lost mine. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Did

41:48

we curate different nights

41:50

or something? I think we curated different years

41:52

because the year I was here, it was

41:54

so popular. Remember their whole thing was, we

41:56

never want to go to the same place

41:58

twice. Everyone was like, fuck. can do this

42:00

again. This is so much fun. Yeah, yeah,

42:02

yeah. And they did. So, you know, sometimes

42:04

if something works, I can do

42:07

it again. And it was, that place, it

42:09

was so amazing. Because it's weirdly kind

42:11

of frozen in time. Really weird. Really,

42:13

really weird. But the mood, like

42:16

huge artists, musicians, and stuff. Explain to the folks,

42:18

you know, who might not know what it is.

42:20

There's a place called, there was a festival called

42:22

All Tomorrow's Parties. And it was almost like, it

42:25

was a yearly, the close thing you

42:27

could do like to like a pop-up musical

42:29

and cultural and comedy festival where they

42:31

would find a different location and take

42:33

it over. I think they did the

42:35

Queen Mary one year. Yes,

42:38

they did. But they, it started in

42:40

England and it was at

42:42

holiday camps. So they'd go,

42:45

they would go to these disused old

42:48

holiday camps from like the 40s, 50s

42:51

that just had lost popularity. And they

42:53

were like seaside towns that just sort

42:56

of, you know, the

42:58

only industry much like Cutchers was tourism

43:00

for people who would go. And it was

43:03

apparently huge. And it's, you could tell it

43:05

was a destination in its day.

43:07

Yeah, yeah. Remember the bar, there's a bar in

43:09

there. And, well, Cutchers is where they, there was

43:12

the place that inspired Dirty

43:15

Dancing. Dirty Dancing. Yeah. But it was

43:17

amazing because it was also one of those things where it

43:19

wasn't, it was like, my

43:21

bloody Valentine was there and Corner Shop and

43:23

all these, I think, how they delight. Corner

43:26

Shop is terrible. That was one of the

43:28

worst shows I've ever seen in my life.

43:30

Really? Yeah. Awful. I walked out. Well,

43:33

I'm just saying. They're terrible. The artist

43:35

could walk around with the audience and

43:37

it wasn't this weird exclusive screaming. Everybody

43:39

partied with everybody. And if you took

43:42

over, there was nothing else. And there's

43:44

no town. Yeah. But nobody was being

43:46

weird about, I don't know, it

43:48

was just this mood that feels gone

43:50

now. We're all, we've gone back to the,

43:53

I want the, I want to go

43:55

see something that where the

43:57

person were kind of on the same.

44:00

wavelength. It's very weird, the

44:02

way a lot of entertainment comes. I mean, there's

44:04

still pockets of coolness out there that we and

44:06

I'm sure there was just as much bad stuff

44:08

when we were doing it the 90s. But we

44:10

were so immersed in our, our scene

44:12

that we thought that's what was going on. And it

44:14

felt really good. It felt hopeful. How

44:17

many times at all tomorrow's parties, did you

44:19

say, do you know who I am?

44:24

I would just wander around. And I would when I would when

44:27

I would finish my set up, we just walk into the audience.

44:29

It was the best. Yeah, it was.

44:32

I've done two of them. I did

44:34

one in in Camber Sands in South

44:37

England, where they just did

44:39

I ever tell you that story? No, I know.

44:41

I just know that Camber Sands is mentioned in

44:43

Pulley muscles from the show. And I'm very excited

44:45

right now. Oh, really? Yeah. That's from this in

44:47

the squeeze on they do it down at Canva

44:49

Sands. They do it at like, yeah, yep. Oh,

44:52

shit. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. It's all about

44:54

holiday camps. Yes, holiday.

44:56

And as I just found out recently,

44:59

I didn't know this. But pulling muscles

45:01

from Michelle is a very pornographic term

45:04

for finger banging, basically

45:06

that it's a it's a British slang term.

45:08

And they got to like it. I like

45:10

it makes sense. Yeah, but but they put

45:13

the fact that it's better than two in the

45:15

pink one in the state. Exactly. I mean, the

45:17

fact that they got a good song that would

45:20

be this song. The

45:22

fact that they got that on the radio is kind of

45:24

beautiful. I love that they they that's their big hit. How

45:27

about a nice shot? Oh,

45:30

God, by filter. Yeah, but but Dwyer,

45:32

but Dwyer. Hey, man. Nice shot. Yeah.

45:35

What happened at Camber Sands? I'll

45:38

this I allowed I was

45:41

absolutely put all this in the

45:43

in the documentary. It's fine. It

45:45

was so I was on the

45:49

last night, I was a guest of Slater

45:51

Kinney's and their show. Wow.

45:54

And I was the I

45:57

it was heaven. You know, I mean,

45:59

I was so into music and this,

46:01

it was like, here's broken social scene.

46:03

Everybody's hanging out, just like we would

46:05

all hang out. And for days, and

46:08

all these people for two days are

46:10

like, dude, can't wait to

46:12

see you, man. I'm so psyched to see you,

46:15

great, but with English accents. And

46:18

I'm just feeling great and it's really

46:20

awesome and blah, blah, blah. And then

46:22

long story short, I'm

46:27

opening for Slater Kinney and

46:30

I think fiery furnaces have gone on and then

46:32

I'm kinda in the middle and

46:35

everybody, I recognize people and

46:38

people have been made friends with that

46:40

are downstairs in this weird sticky old,

46:43

maybe roller rink or something. And

46:47

I fucking bomb

46:50

so hard. Oh no. So hard that

46:52

it's funny. When you

46:54

bomb in a way that

46:56

like is curious and

46:59

you almost have like an out of body

47:01

experience. You're now observing how badly this is

47:03

going. Yeah. And I'm doing it and I'm

47:05

also like, and I know

47:08

they're shooting a doc, right? And I go,

47:10

just come up on stage. This

47:12

is insane. Please get this. And

47:14

there's a guy who was on acid. It was

47:16

like kind of fucking with everybody, but he was

47:18

really fucking with me. But it got to the

47:20

point, and this is, this

47:24

happened once before with Amy

47:26

Mann. She would, Amy and

47:28

Michael would bring out a comic. Acoustic vaudeville.

47:31

Yeah. And we were in Virginia

47:33

and. That makes a lot of sense.

47:36

And I was doing

47:38

my set and people were not

47:40

happy. And

47:44

I'll never forget this because it

47:46

was like, oh, I'm up here and I'm like, all

47:48

right. And I don't give a shit. I don't care.

47:51

It's fine. It's fine. But unbeknownst

47:54

to me, Amy comes up, comes

47:57

up behind me and then takes the

47:59

mic. and chastises the

48:01

audience. And

48:03

it was like, my mom. And

48:07

I had a stand there, I was like Amy, it's okay, it's

48:09

all right. And

48:11

so Slater Kinney were, I

48:15

think Janet or Kerry or somebody was just

48:17

like, just come on, it's fine, just

48:20

don't worry about it. Come on, it's close. And

48:23

then gave the audience some shit for,

48:26

it was weird, it was weird. And

48:28

then I was like, what did I, what

48:30

happened? I mean, that

48:32

was weird. And those were people that were telling

48:35

me they're excited to see me and now

48:37

they're, something went wrong. And they're just like, and

48:39

it was, I mean, I'll give it, it was

48:41

late and you wanted, you know, you wanna

48:43

hear music, you know? But there were

48:45

people who were like, yeah man, can't wait to see

48:47

ya, all right. Boom! You're

48:53

shocked. I

48:55

opened for Amy and Michael in Dublin

48:57

at the Abbey and the

48:59

crowds there were actually really fun, but I

49:02

kept going up, because Amy and Michael are

49:04

huge in Ireland. Like Michael has

49:06

like a cult following there, they love him

49:08

and they basically made them do like nine

49:11

encores, like play every fucking song you've ever,

49:13

we wanna hear all of it. And it

49:15

was an amazing crowd, but they would have

49:17

me go up for each encore, like to

49:20

bring them back out and do their band,

49:22

because Amy and Michael hate talking between songs, so

49:24

they would hire the conceit of the, we would

49:26

do their banter and we were allowed to say

49:29

whatever we wanted. So I would, like I would

49:31

introduce Amy Mann, save me and go every year,

49:34

40,000 ring-tailed squirrels are killed because of

49:37

logging. This song is about this

49:39

ongoing tragedy. And then she

49:41

has to like do this fucking song. But

49:44

in, I'm in Dublin and every time I

49:46

went up, a guy in the audience would

49:48

hand me a Guinness and

49:51

the Guinness in Dublin is like a

49:53

milkshake, it's so smooth. Oh, it's beautiful. And

49:55

so I had, every time I went up, they gave

49:57

me a Guinness and I would just pound it. So.

50:00

For the last encore, I

50:02

go up and I can barely walk. And the

50:04

guy hands me a Guinness

50:06

and I kind of sail here. And I

50:09

go, this is my 11th

50:11

Guinness of the night. And a guy

50:13

in the front row goes, you pussy! It

50:19

was perfect. I like that.

50:21

I like imagining that guy later. And

50:24

they're like, hey, I know you're a huge Jamie

50:26

Mann Michael Penn fan. How did that show go?

50:29

I don't know. I was getting the

50:31

fucking comic at Guinness every time they'd

50:33

come on to play. I knew I

50:36

had to go get them at Guinness.

50:40

They were very, very nice. But

50:42

right now, it's like, oh shit, yeah, we're

50:44

in the, I'm

50:48

not saying that we're in the aging out stage,

50:50

but we're in the comedy was a certain way.

50:53

And right now, it's not a certain way. And we

50:55

got to find our way to kind of live,

50:57

I guess. Well, we just got to

51:00

do, I mean, keep doing what we do. And

51:03

that means lots more

51:05

TikToks of crowd work.

51:09

That's what it is, right? TikTok crowd work. Well,

51:12

a lot more. I'm doing a lot of brand

51:14

partnerships. So

51:16

please come see me on

51:18

Clean Phil

51:20

Catheter tour. I'm on the Clean

51:23

Phil Catheter summer blast. And

51:26

you can go and check that out on

51:28

their website. I'm very, very excited. I'm going

51:30

to be on the CPAP cruise. And

51:36

the great thing about the CPAP cruise is

51:38

it just goes in a circle. And then

51:40

when you want to get off, you pull a cord. It

51:42

goes back to the thing. You get off, and then just

51:44

goes out and does circles again. Eventually,

51:48

there is going to be an alt comedy cruise,

51:50

isn't there, for all your

51:52

favorite? Well, fucking Blink

51:55

182 and whoever's out on tour doing

51:57

the, they're old. older

52:00

men. Hell yeah. Hell

52:02

yeah. Yeah, there is going

52:04

to be an alt comedy cruise for sure.

52:07

I remember years ago, I did

52:09

the, do you ever do the Riviera in Vegas

52:12

when Steve Schrippa was running it? No.

52:15

Steve Schrippa who ended up being on the Sopranos and

52:17

I loved Steve, but I would always, he would

52:19

always book me and I never had a good

52:21

set at the Riviera in Vegas. To

52:23

the point where my, here's my impression of, this

52:26

is my impression of Steve Schrippa when I would come off

52:28

stage. Hey, fuck those people. Yeah,

52:30

I like, fuck those people, man, they're

52:32

good. And every

52:36

fucking show, ah fuck them, don't worry about

52:38

it. Yeah. I

52:41

thought I did okay in relative sense.

52:43

Nah, fuck them. Nah, you didn't. Yeah,

52:45

it was horrible. But

52:48

that band America was

52:50

playing upstairs and I

52:52

was like, oh, kind of laughing like, oh America, what the fuck

52:54

are they doing? I'll go see them. And I

52:56

go up there and I'm still in my 20s, but everyone

52:59

is seated sipping champagne.

53:03

America's on stage just doing all their hits. They

53:05

look happy as a clam and

53:07

you realize, oh, they had like 30 fucking

53:09

hit. They have a whole catalog. And

53:12

I was like, this is a nice place to end

53:14

up. This seems really, and the show was

53:16

over at 9.30, like, we'll be going

53:18

to bed now. Goodbye. This

53:21

is great. So one, it's my

53:23

only kind of jealous, it's

53:26

unfair pet peeve thing

53:28

about stand up is we don't

53:30

get to repeat. You can't go greatest

53:32

hits. No, you're trying. And I

53:35

think I told you this, that I had the

53:37

idea of doing a cover. Did

53:39

I tell you this? No. Yeah. Because

53:42

Amber would always, and I was like, I want to cover,

53:45

go out for an encore and say, I'm

53:47

going to do a cover bit and cover

53:49

your sadness bowl. And

53:54

that was it. And was I, and would people get it?

53:56

Would it work? And it just, I kind

53:58

of gave up the idea, but I. I don't think they

54:00

would, it would be weird. It would be

54:02

really, really weird. It would be weird.

54:04

But it is true, I remember this is, I've

54:06

never forgotten this and it's fucking true. Chris

54:10

Rock, he said this

54:12

in interviews, but he also said, he told this to me

54:14

one night, but I'm like, I just love that thing you

54:16

said. It's so fucking true. If you're a comedian

54:18

and you put out an album or a special, and

54:21

then you go tour and people come see

54:23

you, if you do that album or special

54:25

that they have seen or bought, they'll be happy,

54:27

but they'll never come see you again. Cause you're

54:29

like, that's all he does. But if you put

54:32

out an album or special, and then people come to pay

54:34

to see you live, and you do a whole new hour,

54:37

you have fans for life. They're your fans

54:39

for life. And it's the exact opposite with

54:41

music groups. If you put

54:43

out an album, you better play that fucking album.

54:45

They do not wanna hear. And

54:47

that was to the point, I'm gonna drop

54:49

another name, but I was, when I was

54:51

on King of Queens, we had Huey Lewis.

54:54

Yeah, Huey Lewis. I

54:56

was on King of Queens. The RuPaul

54:58

show? I would... Holy

55:03

moly. I had

55:05

no idea. So

55:09

Huey Lewis was on as himself. And

55:11

I was telling him that, and he was like, he goes,

55:13

oh my God, that, not only

55:15

is that absolutely correct, he goes, I

55:17

was a teenager in San Francisco in

55:19

the sixties. And we would go, I

55:22

goes, I remember very clearly going to see

55:24

Zepp went at the Fillmore, and they were touring on

55:26

Zepp one three. So we're like, Black

55:29

Dog, Immigrant Song, like that's what we

55:31

wanna hear. And they did an early

55:33

version of Stairway to Heaven, which

55:35

had not been on an album. And half the

55:38

audience went up to go get beers, like, oh,

55:40

fuck this, like, I don't wanna

55:42

hear this shit. Well, that's how it is. I

55:44

would too, even if I knew Stairway to Heaven.

55:47

I'll wait till the guitar solo. I don't

55:49

need to hear fucking two minutes of tarot

55:51

card bullshit. Honest

55:56

to God. It's,

55:58

okay, that is. a

56:01

really overrated song. I like it.

56:03

It is. I like it, but

56:05

it is overrated. Have you listened

56:08

to a, there's a podcast called

56:10

Your Favorite Band Sucks. Have you

56:12

ever heard this? No.

56:14

It is like if somebody distilled

56:16

the essence of mid

56:18

90s David Cross and

56:21

injected two people with it the way they

56:23

talk about music and they're talking

56:25

about Led Zeppelin and one of the things

56:27

that the guy said, it's the guy who

56:29

does that great podcast Cocaine and Rhinestones about

56:31

the dark stories of country music. He's

56:33

an amazing historian, but he's, if

56:37

Robert Plant was forbidden to use the words

56:40

girl, lady or woman, he'd

56:42

have no career. And

56:46

it's like, yeah, it's kind of true. You

56:49

know, you know, what's a fun little exercise is

56:52

to, it works

56:54

with certain songs is to substitute the

56:56

word arm for heart it's

57:03

just, it's funny because you get, we get songs

57:05

like don't go breaking my

57:07

arm. Who broke my

57:11

arm? You did. You did.

57:13

And it's the

57:15

arm of rock and roll is

57:17

still beat. Yeah,

57:19

I guess. Okay. That's actually, that's

57:22

actually an improvement. The arm. Well,

57:26

it's weird when you watch, I mean, you

57:29

know who the backing band on Elvis Costello's

57:31

first album is? Yeah. It's the news. Oh,

57:34

it is. They became, yeah. Oh, I didn't know

57:36

they, that was the news. They hadn't become the

57:38

news yet. And Huey

57:40

Lewis, who was a session harmonica guy, he was

57:42

like the guy he did it, but, and they

57:45

didn't use the harmonica on it. But if you

57:47

watch, there's footage of like Elvis Costello doing his

57:49

first album and Huey Lewis just hanging in the

57:51

studio, like his whole, that was

57:53

his, that's where they've all met. I can't imagine

57:55

getting excited about that. I, I, I

58:00

imagine my reaction would be like, is

58:03

that Huey Lewis? Yeah. For

58:06

some reason, I got excited. I'm just like, oh, there he is.

58:09

There he's stable. One starts somewhere. What

58:13

was the name of his backing band? It was like the

58:15

Ace? What was it called? The

58:17

backing band before? Because of the attractions. No,

58:20

no, that's what they became. But there's a

58:22

name for them. They

58:25

called them. Oh, I don't know. I

58:28

have no idea. Hang

58:31

on. Emma? Google

58:39

Elvis Costello first album.

58:44

Well, it's My Aim Is True. That's where the news played. Wait,

58:47

first album. That's easier than

58:49

My Aim Is True. I'm trying to. Backing

58:53

band name, question

58:56

mark, dot,

58:59

dot, dot. Oh,

59:02

Joe Rogan's going to sue you

59:04

for copyright infringement right now. Could

59:08

you look up? He

59:11

just has his guy that looks his tough up. Yeah.

59:14

What is your favorite

59:18

Joe Rogan podcast episode? I

59:24

mean, how do I pick one of the Jordan

59:26

Peterson's? I mean, there's a tie

59:29

all the Jordan Peterson's. You say

59:31

what? All the Jordan Peterson's episodes, a tie of

59:33

all of them. I think it's like three of them. Did

59:36

you? A diet advice alone. When

59:38

you listen to Jordan

59:40

Peterson, do you like, do you

59:42

ever think, shit, I need to

59:44

stop this, I'll pause it, and I'll come back to it and

59:47

go clean up my room right now? The room is a mess.

59:53

The thing about, listen, I've

59:57

known Joe Rogan forever. He's a nice guy. And I

59:59

also. know that he got,

1:00:01

everyone's like, wow, why is he going off on

1:00:04

these weird tangents? Well, they

1:00:06

gave him $200 million. If you gave me $200 million, and

1:00:09

he actually kept it, if

1:00:12

you gave me $200 million, I'd lose my fucking

1:00:14

shit. If I had a podcast

1:00:16

about knitting and you gave me $200 million

1:00:18

for it, I would fuck yarn on my

1:00:21

podcast. I would just completely... Like

1:00:23

Joe Rogan would be going, Patton lost his fucking

1:00:25

mind. You use that poor guy, Jesus. I

1:00:29

actually think he kept it together pretty well. Well,

1:00:34

if they gave you $200 million, that would

1:00:36

be amazing to see what you would do.

1:00:38

What would you do with $200 million? I'll

1:00:40

tell you exactly what I'd do. Oh, here we go. I'd buy

1:00:43

the world's second

1:00:45

largest nickel. I would create a deep fake of me and Coretta

1:00:48

Scott King. I would buy the

1:01:09

middle of a mountain. The

1:01:12

middle? Yeah. And

1:01:14

you can't do shit. You want to do something

1:01:17

on the mountain, top or bottom?

1:01:19

Yeah, yeah. I don't know how you're getting there. Good

1:01:24

luck. Good luck, guys. Marking it off with

1:01:26

chains. I think

1:01:28

I fucking barbed by your fence. Middle part's mine,

1:01:30

man. Sorry, I don't know what to tell you.

1:01:33

I would buy the

1:01:35

house that is on the cover

1:01:38

of Billy Joel's glass houses. And

1:01:42

then I would make

1:01:45

it a full-time year-round Halloween

1:01:47

place. With

1:01:50

like a spirit Halloween store? Like you

1:01:52

would... Yep. Okay. All right. I

1:01:56

would... I

1:02:00

think I'd buy the most expensive dog,

1:02:02

you know, and then eat it. How

1:02:07

much do I have left? I mean, that's

1:02:09

the first mill right there. I mean, you

1:02:11

got a ways to go. Remember

1:02:13

that comedian Jeremy Kramer? He

1:02:15

had that great bit about

1:02:17

it. He goes, I would love to win like 60

1:02:19

million in the lottery and get interviewed on the news.

1:02:22

Like, so what are you gonna do with your money?

1:02:24

The first 10 million will be used to purchase weapons.

1:02:26

The next 10 million, like he just does this whole

1:02:28

thing. You

1:02:31

know what's really antiquated

1:02:34

thing to look back on

1:02:36

is the movie

1:02:39

Brewster's Millions. Oh my God. The

1:02:41

guy has 24 hours, I think.

1:02:45

He has 30 days to spend 30 million. 30

1:02:49

days to spend 30 million? Oh

1:02:52

no. How

1:02:55

will I ever do it? How

1:03:00

much is that plane? It's 108 million. Here's

1:03:03

a deposit. Yeah,

1:03:08

that movie should... And that's like the fourth remake of

1:03:10

that movie. That movie's been done so many times. And

1:03:12

I'm sure the first one in the 40s was like,

1:03:15

you got 30 days to spend 10,000, oh my God.

1:03:20

Gimme, let me buy all your eggs. I

1:03:27

do, look, I'm obviously a big movie fan,

1:03:29

but I do love watching old movies and

1:03:31

you realize how old, like

1:03:34

certain cliches are even older than you

1:03:36

think they are. There's a

1:03:38

great movie called

1:03:40

Only Angels Have Wings. And there's a

1:03:42

scene where Cary Grant is

1:03:44

up flying, they're

1:03:47

about test pilots and he almost crashes

1:03:50

and the lead actress in

1:03:52

the movie and this, and like the

1:03:54

sidekick guy, the old mechanic guy, he

1:03:57

is watching him almost die. This movie's made in

1:03:59

1939. by the way. And

1:04:01

the old mechanic guy goes, I'm getting too

1:04:03

old for this stuff.

1:04:05

Like he stops himself before he says shit

1:04:07

in front of the woman. 1939. That is

1:04:09

how old that cliche is. Wow.

1:04:15

Yeah. So I just love that, oh, that

1:04:17

stuff just, a lot of stuff that becomes

1:04:20

popular, it feels like they just wait for

1:04:22

a generation to die off that doesn't, and

1:04:24

then the new one doesn't know about it

1:04:26

and they can just sling it on him

1:04:28

again. You know, it feels like they lie.

1:04:30

Well, I'm getting too old for this shit

1:04:33

is in The Tempest, which is, it

1:04:35

is. Wow. Yeah. It's, alas,

1:04:39

I have grown too old for

1:04:42

this excrement. I

1:04:44

mean, it depends on the interpretation.

1:04:46

Yeah, exactly. But it's there. Yeah.

1:04:50

Well, there's a Warren Beatty movie from 1961 called Mickey

1:04:54

He plays a comedian who thinks the mob wants

1:04:56

to kill him. So he's hiding

1:04:58

out and he hides out in a strip

1:05:00

club. And he's watching that there's

1:05:02

like this baggy pants comedian bringing on. And

1:05:04

so Warren starts heckling the guy and he

1:05:06

knows all the heckling comebacks. And at one

1:05:09

point, the guy goes, Hey, I don't come

1:05:11

down to where you work. And then he

1:05:13

goes and jiggle the broom handle. And

1:05:16

this is a movie made in

1:05:18

1961. And the point of the scene

1:05:20

is this guy is telling old ass

1:05:22

jokes. Right. And that's that's again, that's

1:05:24

how old that fucking joke is. That's

1:05:26

been and which was huge in the eight I don't

1:05:29

come to where you are and knock machine or not

1:05:31

yet. Just the same thing. No, it's not the dick

1:05:33

out of knock the dick out of your mouth. I

1:05:36

loved and I loved Andy Kindler's variation. I don't

1:05:38

come to where you work and and

1:05:40

jiggle your hand while you're doing the intricate

1:05:43

brain surgery that doesn't

1:05:46

understand how to use it. Which

1:05:50

is a Hollywood

1:05:52

talk where you do have to be

1:05:54

out by a certain time. Yes.

1:05:58

And learn something tonight guys hard out. That

1:06:00

time is approaching. Oh, yeah.

1:06:02

I want you to promote anything

1:06:04

you might want to promote. If

1:06:07

you're listening, I will be at... When does this

1:06:09

drop? I

1:06:12

mean, there's... They

1:06:14

might not. Okay. Well,

1:06:18

if... Then

1:06:20

here's how I'm gonna promote this. Ready? If

1:06:23

you can hear my voice, please

1:06:25

come and see me in Grand Rapids

1:06:27

on Friday, the 17th of May, and

1:06:31

then the following evening on the

1:06:34

18th of May in Detroit at the Fillmore.

1:06:36

Please, if you can hear my voice, and

1:06:38

go to patinoswalt.com. I'm touring all summer. It's gonna be

1:06:40

really fun. There you go. And

1:06:50

since this will most likely

1:06:52

air after that... Ah,

1:06:54

god damn it. Tell the people how the

1:06:56

show went. Well, Grand

1:07:00

Rapids was great. And

1:07:03

then let's just say,

1:07:06

Grand Rapids Peak, Fillmore, Troth. And

1:07:08

we'll just leave it at that.

1:07:11

All right. So Pat and I

1:07:14

always end every episode with a

1:07:17

question for my daughter. Oh. Who

1:07:19

is... How old is she now? She's now seven. Oh.

1:07:22

Skipped six. And... Yeah. She's

1:07:26

advanced, you know. Yeah. Okay.

1:07:28

So she's seven. I'll tell you whether she...

1:07:30

All right. But this one is from when

1:07:32

she was six. Okay. I've been collecting them.

1:07:37

Okay. From

1:07:39

my seven, but then six-year-old

1:07:41

daughter Marlo, Pat and Oswald.

1:07:45

Where do you stand, Israel versus

1:07:47

Palestine? No. All right.

1:08:00

Here is the real question, ready? Yeah. How

1:08:03

much money do you have to have

1:08:05

to be rich? Oh.

1:08:11

Here's how much money you have to have to

1:08:13

be rich. You have

1:08:15

to have enough money so that you don't have

1:08:17

to work with people that you don't like. That

1:08:21

means you're rich. And I'm not,

1:08:24

listen, I like having money, but

1:08:26

in 1993 I made $11,000 that whole year, but

1:08:32

I made it only doing stand up, and

1:08:34

I was like, I'm fucking rich. All

1:08:37

I have to do, I never have to, I don't

1:08:39

have to work a job I don't want to do,

1:08:41

I can pay my rent, I can buy my food,

1:08:43

and all I gotta do is stand up. I fucking

1:08:45

made it. I was so happy. So

1:08:47

it's all been like gravy ever since then. All

1:08:50

right, there you go, good. Yeah. And

1:08:53

this past year, it's how times have changed,

1:08:56

12 grand. Made 12,000. So

1:08:59

yeah, it just keeps going up, man,

1:09:01

you know? Yeah. Pat and Oswald, please,

1:09:03

applaud him. Yeah! Thank

1:09:08

you all so much. Thank

1:09:11

you, buddy. Thank you. Thank

1:09:14

you. Not

1:09:17

Will Arnett, but Pat and

1:09:19

Oswald. And...

1:09:26

So yeah, and you can

1:09:28

go to my website, officialdavidcross.com,

1:09:30

that has all the stuff I'm doing. I

1:09:33

have a big, fancy

1:09:35

show in Central Park in August, part

1:09:37

of the Summer Stage series, outdoors huge.

1:09:39

It's gonna be amazing with all kinds

1:09:41

of special guests. If you're

1:09:43

gonna be in the New York area, check

1:09:45

that out. And then I will be going

1:09:47

out on tour starting in mid-September, all the

1:09:49

dates are there. I will see you guys

1:09:51

next time, thank you so much. All

1:09:53

right. Thank you. created

1:10:00

and hosted by me, David Cross.

1:10:02

The show is edited by Katie

1:10:04

Skelton and engineered by Nicole Lyons

1:10:06

with supervising producer Emma Foley. Thanks

1:10:08

to Demi Druchin for our show

1:10:10

art and Mark Rivers for our

1:10:12

theme song. For more podcasts by

1:10:14

HeadGum, visit headgum.com or wherever you

1:10:16

listen to your favorite shows. Leave

1:10:18

us a review on Apple Podcasts

1:10:20

and maybe we'll read it on

1:10:22

a future episode. I'm not gonna

1:10:24

do that. Thanks for listening. That

1:10:27

was a HeadGum podcast.