0:01

Hey, Susie, how are you? Hi. Hey. Ooh, I like your background.

0:06

It says exhale? Inhale, exhale.

0:10

Inhale, exhale. Nice. Very cool. Yeah, you need to have that behind you every

0:15

day at work. I don't know, maybe in front of you.

0:19

Just plug me into it. Yeah. I need the reminder every day, too. Right?

0:25

I love this. Well, it's nice to meet you. You, too. So Susie,

0:30

thank you so much for doing this. Music.

0:49

You let me know when you're ready. Ready? Ready? Three, two, one. One.

0:57

Welcome back. to another episode of Shit That Goes On In Our Heads.

1:01

I'm Dirty Skittles, and I'm joined by my co-host... She-Rex.

1:05

...and our very special guest today. We need a drumroll.

1:10

Susie. Welcome, Susie. How are you? I'm great. Thank you for asking.

1:14

Thank you for having me. How are you guys? Oh, we're good. Hanging by a thread. No, I'm just kidding. Yeah,

1:20

hanging by a thread. I'm tired. I went and saw Wanda Sykes last night, but she was like two hours away from

1:27

us, So we spent the night and then got up at crack of dawn because I forgot

1:31

that we were recording all day today. And so we had to race home, but we couldn't really race home because it was raining.

1:40

But, you know, at 630, 7 o'clock in the morning, you know, all the drunks were still asleep.

1:44

So we were good. The only thing I had to contend with was the rain and the 18

1:49

wheelers. Well, there you go. You made it safely.

1:52

I did. And I've had like four coffees and a Coke today. but over the last two

1:57

hours, I've weaned off that and we are now on water because I do want to take a nap later on.

2:04

Perfect. She says a nap, but I'm like, if you nap like past five, just go to bed.

2:09

Just call it you're going to bed. You're calling it a night. I'm not 75, okay? I'm 60.

2:15

Last night you were in your 20s. Last night I was in my 20s. It's okay.

2:20

You know what? We digress as we get older, okay? So whatever.

2:24

It is what it is. Thank you. I didn't do anything new. And I feel like I'm 80, so. Oh, yeah.

2:31

Yeah, I had a rough... The last time we recorded, we record one day a month now.

2:35

And the last time we recorded, I was hungover the next day because me and my

2:39

friends had went to a Taylor Swift watch party.

2:43

So we were just at a bar. And like, I didn't even have a wild night,

2:47

but I was tired because I just went to bed past like nine. I think that's so hard.

2:53

After nine, we are done for the day. thank you

2:56

yes yes like

2:59

last night I'm like thinking to myself I remember when

3:02

Friday night like at nine is like when you were pre-gaming to get

3:05

ready for whatever Friday night was going to be no I was like I need my hot

3:09

bath yes my moisturizers my lip balms that I need to just lay down yeah yeah

3:17

sleeping in and is anymore I my body naturally wants to wake up at seven even

3:23

if it's a Saturday or Sunday. And I'm like, is this what mid thirties looks like? Because I don't love it here. This is.

3:31

Okay. So wait until you get to your sixties because that's Saturday and Sunday.

3:36

If it's not a recording day, I am not rolling my ass out of bed until 10 a.m.

3:41

Except like we live across the street, not across the street,

3:45

but down the block is a church. And every Sunday at 930 in the morning, bang, I'm like, Jesus Christ,

3:52

can you make that a little like tiny bit lighter that would be awful that would be awful.

4:01

Now on saturday nights when i go to bed i wear my airpods so i can't hear it,

4:06

that's smart there you go and that's why you sleep till 10 and i'm afraid what

4:11

sleeping till 10 looks like anymore i know till one in the morning at seven we are awake that's wild

4:19

that's wild bless your not fair wow no no i mean i do have to get up at seven

4:27

but it's not to like fully get up i need to go to the bathroom and then i go

4:31

back to bed it's perfect wild dude i'm excited for that life i'm excited for that for just yes normal,

4:41

like normal right what time do you go to bed g-rex if you're waking up at 10

4:47

i will So on the weekends, I'll probably, if I haven't been up forever,

4:52

I stay up till about 11. Because remember, like I, during the week, I only work 30 hours a week.

4:59

So some days I go to work at nine and some days I go to work at 10.

5:02

So on the days that I go to work at 10, I don't roll out of bed till 930 in

5:06

the morning. So I work from home.

5:09

I literally, it takes me two minutes to get to work. Down the stairs,

5:12

grab a coffee, come to work. It's super simple.

5:17

Hey. You're living my best life. Yes, mine too.

5:24

So Susie, tell us a little bit about yourself. Yeah. So I'm 36.

5:30

I'm a mom to a 16-year-old boy who's the coolest kid on the planet.

5:35

If he wasn't so awesome, I'd be like, maybe more kids in the future.

5:41

But we stop at the perfection, okay? Why? Kids were just not for me.

5:46

I'm a third-generation cosmetologist. So my mom and my grandma did hair for my whole life.

5:54

Grew up in it. Decided when I graduated high school, that's what I was going

5:57

to do. She was disappointed, but that's okay.

6:01

And I was doing that for, I want to say, 15 years.

6:06

Owned my own business for about four of those years. And then my body was like,

6:11

reject everything about yourself. We are going to fall apart.

6:17

Yeah. And so I started getting carpal tunnel, cubital tunnel,

6:21

trigger finger, finger rotator cuff issues.

6:24

And my most recent situation was a herniated disc in my neck and had to have a disectomy of my neck.

6:32

Whoa. In the last three years, I've had four or five different surgeries.

6:39

Yeah. So in 2020, when COVID happened, obviously, hair salons had to take a

6:46

step back. So we were shut down for about three months.

6:50

And when we went back, that was when my body was just like, no,

6:55

I'm done. We don't want to do this anymore.

6:58

So I started recognizing all these problems that I was having.

7:02

And my doctor was pretty much like, listen, girl, I hate to tell you this because

7:09

you're only in your 30s, but you can't do this for the rest of your life.

7:13

It's time to start thinking about what's next. So I enrolled into college and started pursuing a degree in counseling because

7:22

all of my clients were like, you're like the best counselor and I don't have to pay very much.

7:30

And it's still there. So I decided to go back to school to become a counselor and I graduate May 5th

7:40

with my bachelor's. So I'm very excited. Wow.

7:42

Congrats. That's so awesome. Thank you. Are you, are you hitting up your clients now with like a business

7:48

card? Like, Hey, remember me? It's funny that you can mention that because for the last year I have been working as a crisis counselor.

7:58

And so I tell them all the time, like, while you can't technically call me directly,

8:04

here's where you can call. And I work there.

8:10

It's free for you. You're like, so you're paying even less now. Literally, I feel like it's a win for them.

8:20

It's kind of a little bit of a loss on my end.

8:22

But hey, when we finish, I'm going to start my master's in August so I can become

8:28

a clinical mental health counselor, licensed.

8:31

And so that's obviously three years from now, probably.

8:35

But yeah, so for now, we're doing it. How is your family taking the change in career?

8:41

So my that's at first they didn't understand it you know they're obviously excited for me to.

8:48

Do anything you know they're happy they're supportive

8:52

but the way that I grew up talking about mental health was just like a very

8:58

hush thing and so when I said I'm going back to school to get my degree I left

9:04

it at that originally it was just I'm gonna get my associates so that way when I can't do hair anymore,

9:10

at least I'll be making more than $15 an hour, you know what I mean?

9:14

Or at least I hope. And then once I finished my associates and I decided I wanted

9:20

to get my bachelor's because there really wasn't a lot that paid you $15 an hour.

9:27

So I was like, okay, well, if I get the bachelor's degree, then maybe we'll bump up a little bit.

9:34

And during that timeframe, I decided I was in love with psychology.

9:40

Like it just spoke to me on a whole new level. And I had all these clients telling

9:44

me like, you would make such a good counselor, like you should really look into that.

9:47

But I also had like this thing about forensic psychology.

9:52

I don't know why, but like, I'm the person who falls asleep to murder docs. So like, yes, my thing.

9:59

So I did a minor in criminal justice just so that way I could have like that, mentality.

10:06

So when I told them those two things, they were like,

10:10

but why? And I was like, so I can process my own childhood trauma, okay?

10:20

I'm going to self-diagnose. I'm good. Like, I got free therapy while I was getting an education.

10:27

It's kind of bit me though, because, you know, now that I do have that new found

10:31

awareness of certain things, and I can look back on things and obviously look

10:37

at other people and kind of help them through situations,

10:39

you really end up in a very isolated space because people are like afraid to

10:47

talk to you because they don't want you to be like mentally mind gaming them with your brain.

10:56

Some people don't come to me anymore for their problems.

11:00

Right. I feel like I'm on my couch. We're going to, we're going to therapist. Right. Yeah.

11:07

I feel like we, when we started doing the podcast, we started interviewing friends and family members.

11:14

Cause it was, you know, kind of like us like tiptoeing our way into that world.

11:18

But after that, I felt like my friends, I either had, they didn't want to talk

11:22

to me at all or like only like when we're drinking. Right.

11:25

Or they were like, so let me talk to you about my childhood.

11:29

And it was like, we're not recording. Like, where is this coming from? Right.

11:33

That is so literally my life to a T.

11:36

And then if they come to me with their problems, because like they're just wanting

11:41

that friend to talk to, I'm like,

11:44

Okay. Do we want, so I have a pseudonym that I use for my counseling and my

11:50

close friends and family know what that name is. So I'm not going to say what that name is, but let's just pretend her name is Samantha.

11:55

Okay. Do you want Samantha Susie or do you want your friend Susie?

12:00

Because those are two different people. So we need to know who we want to talk to.

12:06

You're like, I'm here to show up for you, but just tell me how. In what way do you need?

12:10

And every time I say that, they're like, you sound so like a counselor.

12:15

I'm like, can't turn it off, guys. I don't know.

12:18

There's nothing on off switch, okay? I love that though. I love that you're still so mindful though.

12:23

Like I'm going to be here for you, but just let me know how do you need me?

12:27

Because we'll channel either one.

12:29

Prior to the counseling side of things, when I would give advice or give help,

12:33

they always received it so well. They're like, oh my gosh, it's like the best advice ever.

12:38

And then nothing changed except for pursuing a degree in it.

12:43

And now it's met with that, like, don't tell me how to live my life.

12:48

Why are you analyzing me? Which is so interesting. It is just interesting to think about.

12:58

But I get it. Like, it was very, honestly, I mean, I guess to a certain degree,

13:04

I knew I needed therapy because I knew I needed it, right? Not because anybody told me I needed it.

13:09

But I remember when I first made that decision telling my husband at the time,

13:13

I think I'm going to do this. And I was kind of scared because I didn't know what he would say or what his reaction would be.

13:19

And I never told my family. I didn't tell them until...

13:23

Three years later or something like that just because the stigma

13:26

around mental health was like why do you need it you're totally

13:29

fine there's nothing that you need from a stranger that's

13:32

going to tell you something that I can't I couldn't tell you or that you couldn't

13:35

tell yourself and it was very interesting to like kind of be met with that I

13:40

think the only person I understood was my dad because he became a therapist

13:43

so like it made sense but yeah but I just it's so So interesting to me how that stigma or that fear or,

13:52

I don't know, mentality.

13:54

I think that only, and I'm going to use this word in the nicest way,

13:58

only people who are crazy, mentally unstable, unwell are the ones who need therapy.

14:03

When in reality, the shift that we have had happen,

14:08

especially over the last four years with COVID and that isolation we all went

14:14

through, I think people don't realize that therapy can just be a really great

14:19

way to talk out your feelings,

14:21

your problems with an unbiased person that really just wants to be there to support you.

14:28

You and whether that's they give you feedback, they give you affirmations,

14:32

they give you something to work on, whatever you need in that moment.

14:36

Therapy is just a good outlet to just say what you need to say and not be met

14:41

with rejection or not be met with hostility.

14:44

So it's more than just for the people who may feel mentally unstable.

14:49

It's for the people who just maybe like Like, need a friend that's not your

14:54

friend to talk to. Right. Yes.

14:56

So true. So, so true. Yeah.

14:59

And life changes, right? So like, for me, when I found the therapist that I

15:03

worked well with, also...

15:07

Not like there's something to be said when you have a conversation with

15:10

a friend it's that one conversation you feel great after it

15:12

but after that conversation life changes and you need you might need another

15:16

conversation so to have this therapist there somebody who will check in with

15:20

you or that you have this continual you know appointment on your calendar you

15:25

know you're going to meet with them again that's I think what at least got me

15:28

through some of the darkest times was, having that consistency and that help from that unbiased person that's literally

15:35

there just to support you and listen to you and be there for you. Absolutely.

15:39

And I think that's one of the reasons why I'm so grateful I got into being a

15:43

crisis counselor before going into being a licensed counselor,

15:49

because I get to look at mental health in such a unique way.

15:56

I'm literally talking to people who have gotten to the point where they are,

16:00

I no longer want to be on the planets like I'm done with existence and to help

16:06

them see themselves in a different way when we're not in person.

16:11

I don't know what they look like, don't know where they are,

16:14

don't know what they're doing, any of that stuff, and have just a genuine conversation with them, unbiased.

16:19

I don't know their friends. I don't know their family. I'll probably never talk to them again.

16:23

There's something to be said with that conversation with someone who's completely

16:28

neutral to your life. Amen.

16:32

Because I will tell you, 988 saved my life, literally.

16:37

I wouldn't be here today without them. They don't ask your name.

16:41

They don't ask where you live. They don't do.

16:43

They are the most empathetic people you will ever talk to. And the next day

16:48

I was in therapy, and today I'm alive.

16:51

I'm so happy. A year later. Like that. I know.

16:54

The stories like that are what make me adore my job so much more.

17:00

And I get met with that question of how can you possibly do that job?

17:04

Like how daily, you know, and it's obviously stories like that where it's like,

17:11

I could have literally one conversation with the person at the end of it.

17:15

They're like, I think you just changed my life. And that's a humbling feeling.

17:20

It also kind of makes me a little sick because I'm like, what if you get someone

17:23

you talk to the next time that's not the same way and what could happen, right?

17:28

One of the things we are taught very early on in our job, in our role,

17:33

in our position is we can only control our controllables.

17:37

And after that, it's outside of our control and we cannot blame ourselves for

17:43

things other people do. Yeah.

17:46

I'm not one of the people that's like, how can you do that every day?

17:49

I immediately worry about you.

17:51

I'm like, how do you take care Yeah.

17:56

I would be, I would find that part hard. So I guess I'll get like,

18:02

take it back to what made me want to do this job in the first place.

18:06

Growing up, I had a family member and I'm going to leave it at a family member

18:11

who was very up and down emotionally.

18:17

And this person was two years younger than me and they just had a lot going on.

18:23

They were a very popular person, very well-liked, but their parent,

18:28

one was an alcoholic, the other one was extremely strict, very type A personality,

18:35

very disciplined nature.

18:38

A lot of the times you would get met with yelling if you did something wrong.

18:43

So this family member of mine just had a lot of things going on in their life.

18:50

And for them, they did not know how to process or handle it very well.

18:56

And when they got into high school, they just had exceptionally bad acne and

19:03

it just ruined their self-esteem.

19:05

And they started taking medication called Accutane. I'm sure people are familiar

19:09

with it. It caused them a lot of depression and suicidal ideations.

19:15

And I'll never forget, they got in trouble and they sent me a message basically

19:22

telling me that they were like done with their life and that they swallowed a whole bottle of pills.

19:29

And I remember in that moment, I was 16 or 17, I think.

19:34

And I remember like calling their parents saying, hey, this is serious.

19:39

We need to take this serious. And that parent at first was like, oh gosh, no, we hear that all the time. It's not a big deal.

19:47

They just use it for attention, et cetera, et cetera.

19:50

And I was just like, no, we need to get them taken care of.

19:55

And found that person, that family member, empty bottle of pills.

20:00

The 9-1-1 came, bumped their stomach, the whole nine yards. They had to spend

20:06

some time in the hospital. And for several years after that, they were never quite right.

20:13

They were always dysregulated. Moods would go up, moods would go down. And I kept insisting,

20:18

and I was, like I said, 16, 17 at the time, I think they might be bipolar.

20:23

I just feel it in my heart. The extreme mood swings were just Just unbelievable.

20:30

One day they would be the nicest person to you. And then in five minutes,

20:35

they were calling you a see you next Tuesday. You know, like it's just...

20:40

Mind-blowing. And so when I moved away, I went to beauty school,

20:45

started living my own life, you know, got pregnant at 19, had postpartum depression,

20:51

awful, didn't know what it was, didn't understand it.

20:56

So all of these things were happening.

20:59

And the idea that I had this family member who had multiple occasions of suicidal

21:07

ideations, several attempts, hems. Obviously, they're still here today, thank God. And then going through my own

21:13

phases of postpartum depression and having these dark, weird thoughts,

21:18

like deranged, dark, weird thoughts.

21:21

I remember my child screaming, crying one night and thinking,

21:25

if I just maybe put him in the closet for a day, you know, like,

21:29

yeah, I could get the craziest experience I've ever had.

21:35

And And nobody really talked about that. Like I said, I'm 36.

21:38

I had him at, I turned 20 shortly after he was born.

21:41

So back then, postpartum depression just was not talked about as much. Right.

21:47

Especially to a young mom, a single mom, somebody on poverty level who's not

21:53

getting the right proper doctors to help them.

21:58

So I say all that

22:01

to say that for since I was 16 17 I

22:04

just felt this in my heart like I wanted

22:07

to help the people who couldn't help themselves and I

22:11

saw the listing on indeed for this I was like why do I want to apply for that

22:18

like I think I want to do that I think I want to be a crisis counselor like

22:23

I think I want to work there and I was really nervous but a good friend of mine

22:27

was like, you'd be amazing at that. And so I applied. I didn't have my bachelor's degree yet. It said you didn't need it at that time.

22:35

And within two weeks, they hired me.

22:39

Wow. And yeah, now you are required to have a bachelor's degree to work there.

22:44

At least in the state that I live in, which I will also not say what state I

22:49

live in, but at least in the state that I live in, it is a requirement that

22:53

you have a bachelor's degree. So I'm almost graduated. So that's it.

22:58

Nice. Right before that cutoff.

23:02

Right. So, but you are though, like you have a way to take care of yourself after a tough day?

23:08

Yeah. So I, when I went through therapy, this is how my therapist,

23:15

because I needed to go through therapy for myself in my early thirties,

23:20

I went through a very awful divorce.

23:23

I, there were some really terrible things being said about me.

23:26

I was being talked about on the internet and I had nobody I felt safe talking to.

23:31

So I felt like no no matter who I talked to, it was going to spin out into a lie.

23:36

And like my own family couldn't even protect me because they didn't know what the truth was.

23:41

And so I just didn't feel safe talking to anyone.

23:45

So I started talking to a therapist and I would tell her all these different

23:48

things that were going on and how I was handling it.

23:52

And we go through six weeks worth of conversation. I was seeing her once a week

23:58

and she, by the end of it, she was like, you are a person who is like.

24:06

Excelling in emotional detachment. You have this insane ability to emotionally

24:14

detach from whatever situation is happening.

24:18

And I would tell her, at the end of the day, here's how I do self care.

24:22

I do a nighttime routine with my face.

24:26

I do a weekly routine with my hair. I like to only do spray tans.

24:32

I don't tan in a tanning bed. I eat pretty healthy. I work out.

24:36

Sometimes it depends on what we're in.

24:40

And so I'm like, she's like, you just are very skilled in emotional detachment.

24:45

And when that person that you're having whatever with is not in front of you,

24:51

you are able to detach from that and re-regulate yourself.

24:55

And I'm like, that's so weird because that's true

24:58

that's a

25:02

very unique skill I would imagine yeah like

25:05

she said I'm very skilled and I was like is that like a bad thing because I

25:11

didn't know I'm like does this mean I need more therapy like are you could I

25:16

be doing something I don't know I don't know if what you're seeing is a compliment or if I need more work.

25:25

And it's like, you know, you have a unique ability.

25:29

I've always like, I wouldn't say like I'm always positive because that would be a lie.

25:35

Most of the time, I'm a very positive person. I try to see the best in people.

25:39

I am a recovering people pleaser. Very proud of that.

25:44

But I also like to laugh and have a good time.

25:48

And so I think I think that the ability to emotionally detach,

25:54

while it sounds probably a little wild, like I just don't allow things to sit with me for too long.

26:01

Yeah, that's good. Yeah, that's really good. That's a really healthy,

26:05

like, I almost want to say it's like a boundary, right?

26:07

Like you're, you can't get past this point. That's really good.

26:10

Hi, y'all. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I'm G-Rex.

26:14

And I'm Dirty Skittles. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast.

26:19

We'd love to listen to your feedback.

26:22

We can't do this without you guys. It's okay to be not okay.

26:28

Music.