0:02

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This

0:05

podcast is brought to you by

0:07

eHarmony, the dating app to find

0:09

someone you can be yourself with.

0:12

Why doesn't eHarmony allow copy and

0:14

paste in first messages? Because

0:16

you are unique, and your conversations should

0:18

reflect that. eHarmony wants

0:20

you to find someone who will get you. How

0:23

are you going to know who gets

0:25

you? If people send you the same

0:27

generic conversation starters, they message everyone else.

0:31

Conversations that actually help you get to know

0:33

each other. Imagine that. Get who gets

0:35

you on eHarmony. Sign

0:37

up today. I

0:41

saw Aaron eat nachos with

0:44

a fork last night.

0:47

Is nothing sacred? Is there

0:49

no safe space in my life right

0:51

now? We don't reward tattletaling here.

0:53

Are you kidding? In

0:55

the safety of my friendship? I

0:58

gotta know, was it from the get go she

1:00

was using a fork or at the very end

1:02

bits? It was from the jump. It was from

1:04

the jump. From the jump? What?

1:07

The chips are the utensils. Here's the

1:10

thing. I was wearing a nice dress.

1:12

I'm not trying to. Yeah, it looked beautiful. You

1:14

had the biggest bowl of nachos in front of

1:16

you. I was with the gals. No one else

1:18

was really eating. Suzanne had chicken wings. I tried

1:20

to eat some of her nachos, but then she

1:22

barked at me. No, I didn't. You

1:24

use a fork when you're by

1:26

my nachos. What actually happened Elizabeth, if

1:28

you'd been paying attention the whole time. Also,

1:32

how dare you for this. The second thing

1:34

I'm going to say is I had four perfect little

1:36

nacho chips. I had four of the chips and went,

1:39

that's enough of that game over. I had the four

1:41

best chips on the plate. There's chicken

1:43

on these nachos. Then you just went straight chicken.

1:45

And I went chicken, dipped a little guacamole, put

1:48

in my mouth. Chicken. So you were ignoring

1:50

the nachos. You were ignoring the chips at a certain point. Yeah. I

1:53

just want the protein out of this. I didn't want nachos. I'm

1:55

on Aaron's side. Thank you. Welcome

2:07

back to sitcom DnD, a real

2:09

play Dungeons and Dragons podcast recorded

2:11

in front of a fake studio

2:13

audience. Today we are

2:16

picking up In Bottoms Up. Jennifer's

2:19

mayoral campaign is underway and

2:21

there's a buzz about town

2:23

about the rat who's runnin'.

2:26

But it's a typical day at Bottoms Up

2:28

and you're going about your typical business when

2:31

it's interrupted by something that you see

2:33

in the sky. A certain

2:35

letter of the alphabet that begins with

2:38

R. It's R and

2:40

that means the Repayers are being

2:43

called to action by

2:45

McAngry himself. So we'll pick

2:47

up there. Quiet on set, sound

2:49

speeding, and we're

2:51

rowin'. We're gonna start. We're

2:55

gonna need a plate from this crazy world to see

2:58

the whole still a cup. And

3:00

I'm gonna smash some childish

3:02

chips and feed fast and

3:04

roll the Bottoms Up. This

3:06

is just a set that

3:09

our growing faith are improving

3:11

home and away. We're doin'

3:13

absolutely fabulous on another happy

3:15

day. We're different from the

3:17

world with different strokes. Good

3:20

times will not end. No

3:22

care is all our

3:24

family and our friends.

3:29

Starring in the King's Castielas

3:32

glass. Elizabeth Andrews

3:34

as Beef. Steve

3:36

Van Sower as Chip A. Hoyt. And

3:39

Greg as Bastion Von Kuehn as

3:41

Grant and Paul Cole as everything

3:43

else. He's got the

3:45

ability to stand in front of a

3:47

pink studio audience. I

3:49

think it's just spelled R, Beef. Why do you ask?

3:53

But why is it so sexy in the

3:55

sky? In the what? There's an R

3:57

in the sky, man! Oh,

4:01

hmm. Me, Chip. I don't know what that

4:03

means. Huh. Hey, Chip, do you want to go on

4:05

that picnic we were talking about having? Uh...

4:08

Beef was gonna go in the basket! No, I think...

4:10

Isn't there something... What does that R mean? I don't

4:12

know that R. Oh! Yeah, I've never...

4:14

Repairs! Oh my god! That means nothing to

4:16

me. Red Rhino! Red who? The cool... Oh,

4:18

the cool sexy guy you guys always talk

4:20

about hanging out with sometimes. Did we say

4:22

that? You've definitely said that. Have

4:25

I? Yeah, you definitely have. Uh, haven't

4:27

listened to the show in a while. Um, yeah,

4:29

Chalice, you have a poster of Red Rhino underneath

4:32

your bed that you roll underneath your bed and

4:34

you stand up at it and kiss it.

4:36

Chip, I'm so sorry. We have to do

4:38

a rain check on that picnic. You're

4:40

gonna go hang out with this guy! You're

4:44

gonna go hang out with this guy? Why are you getting

4:46

mad? You can come! You can come with us!

4:48

No, it sounds like you guys are more interested in

4:50

hanging out with another guy. And by the way... Oh

4:54

my god, is it tired in here or is

4:56

it? Is it tired in here? I

4:58

don't think so. Every

5:00

time we do this. Oh my god. It's

5:02

a kind of rude, Chip. You gotta meet

5:04

him. Crazy sleepy in here. It's so sleepy

5:06

in here. Okay, he's walking up the stairs.

5:08

Okay. I'm walking and I'm turning and I'm

5:11

squirting and passing the camera. I'm hanging out with Red

5:13

Rhino! Okay, bye bye bye bye! I'm

5:16

sorry. We will do a picnic

5:18

another day. Okay. Oh, is your

5:20

freaking picnic canceled? What the flip? I got

5:22

all my cheese ready. Yeah, it's canceled, Jenny.

5:24

Throw your cheese away. It's canceled!

5:27

Throwing my cheese away. Never

5:29

idiot. Going right into my mouth. Jealous?

5:32

Don't you think it's really strange that

5:34

Chip has no interest in meeting a

5:37

superhero? I mean, he once was a

5:39

superhero, right? Like, wouldn't he be bacon?

5:41

He's just jealous. He's just jealous. I'm

5:45

gonna get my costume on. Did

5:48

you repay your sign? Oh yeah, look at the big R

5:50

in the sky, Jen. I'm

5:53

trying to remember where I put

5:55

my costume. Jenny's

5:57

alone. Everyone's getting dressed. I

5:59

think I... I washed it, except for

6:02

that I've never washed anything. Hey

6:04

Jenny, could you help beef out and

6:06

zip up my zipper? Sure Black Widow.

6:08

Thank you. Okay, I'm just gonna jump

6:11

as high as I can. Yeah.

6:14

Okay, I zipped it an inch. I think I'm

6:17

better at unzipping because I can start at the

6:19

top and then just weeee down. I'll ask Chally

6:21

when she comes down. Chalice

6:23

is at the top of the stairs

6:25

in a new costume. Oh, wait, we

6:27

can do that? You

6:30

can't, you know you're already

6:32

in your costume. Damn it! Better luck next

6:34

time. Chalice is at the top of the

6:36

stairs and she has a long black cape

6:39

and a black mask that has black fat

6:41

ears at the top of it. Oh, she's

6:43

like a dog. No. You're

6:46

dog lady. No, no, no, I didn't get

6:48

to announce myself. I have

6:50

a new awesome voice. A dog voice?

6:52

No, no, not a dog. Big dog, that's

6:55

dying. No, I want him to be a,

6:57

forget it, I'm dog lady. You

7:01

hear the sound of somebody putting pants

7:03

on on the roof. They're hopping on

7:05

one foot and stomp, stomp, stomp. And

7:08

then you hear a, ahhhh! And a bunch

7:10

of crap. That

7:12

must be the red rhino. Yay,

7:14

let's go out to the alleyway and check the trash. Red

7:18

rhino, it's us. We're ready to help you. Let

7:21

us help you out there, buddy. Oh, sorry,

7:23

hey, my back doesn't hurt. Huh.

7:27

Good, cause we need you to carry the team.

7:29

Oh, hey, what's up? I see a

7:31

black widow, I see captain Fraser, and

7:33

of course, sick dog.

7:36

Sick dog? Yeah, you sound

7:38

like you got cold. Oh, no, I just thought I'd

7:40

try out this new, I'm a sick dog girl. Yeah.

7:43

Oh, cool. I'm a sick dog girl and my

7:45

parents died. I'm an orphan.

7:47

Yeah. Do you like my backstory? I

7:50

love your backstory. I'm a misunderstood billionaire.

7:52

I do love your backstory. Wait, wait, red

7:54

rhino, what is your backstory? Have

7:56

we ever seen that? Well, I killed

7:58

my best friends. Oh,

8:01

you have so much in common with Chip.

8:04

You really gotta meet our friendship. I swear

8:06

to God, you know, after this adventure, we

8:08

gotta take you on a picnic and have

8:10

you meet Chip. You guys would hit

8:12

it off. Yes, I would

8:15

love to do that, but I often have to

8:17

use the bathroom during picnics, just as a heads

8:19

up in case that kind of... That's okay, we're

8:21

next to a lake. We like to go to Swanson's Park

8:23

and play with the Swans. Oh, that sounds

8:25

very wonderful. That sounds fun. We

8:27

should definitely be there and there won't be any issues

8:29

with that. Someone could be dying, guys. We should go.

8:32

Wait, wait, wait, I'm the leader, I'm the leader.

8:34

Ask Captain Frazier. I'm saying... You

8:36

have never once been the leader. You're

8:38

not the leader. You are absolutely not

8:40

the leader. You're clearly cheese drunk right

8:42

now. Weeee-hoo! I'm pepper

8:45

jacked up! All right, let's get

8:47

to the hour. And we'll cut to the

8:49

top of the armory where Mick Angry

8:51

walks out of the shadows to give

8:54

you the 411 on the mission

8:56

he's about to have you embark on. Repairs!

9:00

Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to

9:02

see you, Mick. Good to see you. We got a

9:04

new member of the gang. Yeah, I don't believe we've

9:06

met. We're down a few it looks like. I think

9:09

last time we had Iron

9:11

Man, we had Fogthor, Legthor.

9:14

Yeah. Who? People

9:17

look wildly confused. Who?

9:19

People and I haven't listened in a while. Well,

9:23

I know how these things go. The

9:25

life of a hero is sometimes a

9:28

short one, I understand. But

9:30

I'd love to meet this newest addition. You

9:32

are, I heard, Sick Dog? Sick Dog

9:35

Girl. Sick Dog Girl? Yeah. Mick

9:38

Angry. Pleasure. I'm

9:40

the same. It's nice to see you Mick

9:42

Angry. And Beef sits down a swivel chair

9:44

and puts his feet up on the table

9:47

and starts cracking peanuts. So

9:49

what's the big show? What's the big uh...

9:51

Let's get down right to it Black Widow. As

9:53

soon as I get the confirmation that we're ready

9:55

to begin from your leader. Oh, you've got it.

9:58

No, no, no. What?

10:01

I'm the leader. Okay, I think I was the one

10:03

that said Repayers. And that's all it really takes to

10:05

be a leader, is naming the crew. I'm okay

10:07

with that. What about you, Sick Dog? I

10:10

think we should be Sick Dog

10:12

Girl and the Repayers. You just

10:14

joined Sick Dog Girl. Okay,

10:17

we're ready. Let's just get down to brass

10:19

tacks. Yeah. So he pulls down a

10:21

map. Alright, this

10:24

one, it's nice because it's a little

10:26

bit more local with this mission. So

10:28

definitely don't have to pay as much

10:30

for travel. We paid for

10:32

travel. There's a lot of expenses that go into

10:35

this. I get that. Did we get paid for

10:37

this? I filled out a W-9 last time

10:39

and submitted that. Yeah, I filled that out too,

10:41

but there was no direct deposit or anything. Oh,

10:43

I never looked. I couldn't figure out my

10:45

routing number, so that really f***ed me over.

10:49

If you follow your W-9, you get paid. I don't know what

10:51

else to tell you. Well, I'm not getting my W-9

10:54

because the receptionist at the front door is

10:56

helping me because she wants to

10:58

see me suffer. I swear to God. If you needed a

11:00

routing number, if you want to get direct deposit, that's just

11:02

as simple as that. Also, not

11:04

be a black widow. The target for

11:07

this mission is Zack Morris High. It's

11:10

the high school a half mile from

11:12

this location located here on the map.

11:14

You want us to take out of

11:16

school? Good God, man, no. Well,

11:18

you should probably keep talking because I thought we had

11:20

to take out the school too. I'm

11:24

trying to. Oh, hey. The

11:26

issue with this school is that

11:28

kids haven't been coming home from

11:30

school. When parents go to

11:32

investigate and force their kids back home,

11:34

these students are then just sneaking back

11:37

out to go back to the school.

11:40

We don't have a lot of insight

11:42

as to why this is, but typically,

11:44

kids are trying to get out of

11:46

school, not stay there. So we definitely

11:48

think this warrants an investigation. I was

11:50

going to say the exact same thing.

11:53

It's got to be happening if they're

11:55

going back to school. Maybe these

11:57

kids are all just a bunch of nerds. of

12:00

nerds with cool teachers or something like that.

12:02

Well, we need you and your team, Red

12:04

Rhino, to get to the

12:06

bottom of it. And in order to do so,

12:08

we have to go undercover as high school

12:11

students. That's exactly right. Way

12:13

ahead of ya. And Beef brings out the wig

12:15

wagon. He goes around the corner and brings out

12:17

the wig wagon. Okay, but I'm gonna get

12:20

changed to the bathroom because I'm shy.

12:22

Oh. Aww. Okay. Hey,

12:24

no shame here, man. Yeah, that's

12:26

okay. Oh, thank you. Very nice. Yeah. Well,

12:28

this meeting is already running way over time.

12:31

I've got six other teams I need to

12:33

send out on missions in different areas. There

12:35

are other teams? Yeah, wait, what? Is that

12:37

why you only need us, like, once a

12:39

year? Let's

12:41

just say you guys are like my option E. That

12:43

makes sense because we are being sent to a school

12:46

where kids are just continuing to go to school. It's

12:48

not that bad. Yeah, you're playing crap hole for me,

12:50

if we're being honest. Well,

12:52

I gave you the directions, the target, what's going

12:54

on? Please get to the bottom of it and

12:56

make sure you get your paperwork filled out with

12:58

Janice. And yeah, good

13:01

luck. All right. Love you.

13:03

Okay. We cut to

13:05

right before the next school day begins

13:07

as the repairs who are not looking

13:10

too much like the repairs right now

13:13

walk up to enter back

13:15

Morris High. If you guys wouldn't

13:17

mind, can you describe what your characters

13:20

look like as they had into

13:22

the double doors? Kelly

13:25

has short brown, like,

13:27

whoopie hair, a hair

13:29

that a kind of like a teen heartthrob would

13:31

have in the 90s. And she's

13:33

wearing a football uniform

13:36

entering into school with the shoulder pads

13:38

and like the black lines under her

13:41

eyes. Beef

13:43

has a long black trench

13:45

coat rings on each

13:47

finger. Black eyeliner kind of smudged

13:50

around his eyes. Cigarettes

13:52

coming out of his pockets

13:55

and a Led Zeppelin shirt that

13:57

he has no idea who that is. And

14:00

the red rhino is worried about

14:02

being caught, so he still is

14:04

mostly wearing his costume, minus like

14:06

the horn he has unscrewed. He

14:09

has glasses and he has his

14:11

hair tied up into a ponytail, and

14:14

he's kind of wearing like an artsy sweatshirt

14:17

and a skirt, and he's kind

14:19

of shy, but he's like

14:21

kind of awkward around his cool friend. Don't

14:23

take off those glasses or I'm gonna fall in

14:25

love with you. Yeah, yeah. Careful. Jennifer

14:28

is there too? Yeah. And

14:31

Jennifer, she just looks like a pink

14:33

lady from Greece. She has a big

14:35

blonde wig on, and she

14:37

has a pink lady jacket and she's ready

14:40

to go. And so y'all walk

14:42

into this school, and

14:44

there was really nobody walking into

14:46

the school with y'all because they're

14:48

already there, but there is a

14:50

ton of activity as people are

14:52

rushing like to lockers, getting ready

14:54

to move into the classrooms. Wow,

14:56

it's really hustling and bustling in here. Yeah,

14:58

it's super intimidating. I haven't been back to

15:01

high school in a while. I'm feeling a

15:03

little nervous. Beef slaps,

15:06

chalice's character. Wow,

15:08

you gotta get it together, the confidence. You're

15:10

the guy, you're the confidence guy. Yeah, yeah,

15:12

yeah, yeah. Captain of the football team. Who's

15:14

the big man? Me. Not, oh,

15:17

yep, not me. Not me,

15:19

what's my voice? My voice is this today. My

15:21

voice is this today. Hey, everybody, this

15:23

is my voice. Right, right now, I love this. Oh,

15:26

thank you so much. Hey, I'm

15:29

Ali Kernufilis. Who,

15:31

Ali Kernufilis? Yeah,

15:33

I'm Ali Kernufilis and I

15:36

like to paint and you

15:39

wouldn't know, but I actually do like sex. Oh,

15:41

look. Whoa,

15:44

Ali, cool. What

15:46

should my name be? Yeah, what's your name be? Flint

15:50

football. That's nice.

15:54

Black Widow, what about you? Something

15:57

dark, something brooding, something. Maybe

16:00

my name's demonic Dan. Whoa.

16:03

What's your last name still football? Yeah.

16:06

I'm related to Flint. Flint's brother.

16:08

You guys. You guys. We're

16:11

twins. We're twins. We're twins.

16:13

You guys are twins. Okay,

16:15

this is good. Identical. Demonic

16:18

Dan football. Demonic

16:22

Dan football. He hates it.

16:24

He hates it. He

16:26

doesn't want to ever be compared to

16:29

his brother. Whatever Dan. Don't embarrass me

16:31

at school today. It's demonic Dan. And

16:35

can I be Stacy? Oh.

16:39

We're gonna have to believe that. No one's gonna really know

16:41

what your last name is. It could be. It

16:44

could be. It could be. Or yeah.

16:47

Or I can even be. Dang. But

16:49

whoa, I don't know. It's Stacy. So

16:53

it seems like class is about to start. You're

16:56

probably a minute away from the bell ringing.

16:58

And it's probably gonna look pretty odd if you're

17:00

the only ones not in a classroom. Let's just

17:02

go to a homeroom. Yeah, we'll just go

17:04

to a homeroom and say that we're new. Okay.

17:07

We're touring or something. We got it. Demonic

17:09

Dan quickly shoves a kid and takes his

17:11

books. And he passes them to

17:14

Allie and Flint and Stacy. Oh, I love

17:16

books. Give me a strength check.

17:18

Oh yeah, yeah. Let's do it. I'm gonna

17:20

shove this kid. Okay. I already

17:24

know what to do. I already know what to do.

17:27

I shoved this kid. I got

17:29

a botch and I have a

17:31

negative one modifier for strength.

17:36

And you all tried to move right along.

17:38

Yeah, we did. The thief pushes the kid

17:40

and gets their book. Okay.

17:43

So you go to grab these

17:45

books and your head's already

17:47

turned the other direction. Also, assuming, of course,

17:49

these books are just gonna come with me.

17:51

I've grabbed them. But you

17:53

don't budge at all. And neither do

17:55

the books. You turn your head

17:58

back around to stare at the person and

18:00

they... He slammed the books that they're holding

18:02

into Beef's nose and face. And Beef goes

18:04

back under his butt. Ow!

18:07

He's trying to steal my books?

18:09

You don't want to

18:12

make demonic Dan mad.

18:14

Can I roll for

18:16

intimidation? Of course, yeah, go for it.

18:20

That's a 12 plus 10. Okay.

18:24

Whoa! He stops dead in his tracks and is making eye contact

18:26

with you. And a

18:28

beat passes where he's entering fight

18:30

or flight. I'm crazy.

18:33

Just give us the book. I'm crazy. Just

18:35

give us the book. We'll get out of your hair, okay? Sorry

18:37

about Dan. We're new to the school. All of us. All

18:40

four of us. Okay. You want

18:42

to roll for persuasion? Yeah. Be careful.

18:45

My brother bites like a dog. Okay.

18:49

Tell you what. There's a bunch of books

18:51

in the library. I don't want any trouble with you

18:53

guys. You can just grab them. If you need books.

18:55

I go to a lot of classes without books. So

18:57

I'm sure you can figure it out. But I don't

18:59

know what your guys deal is, but I'm out of

19:01

here. Oh, wait. Hold on. What's

19:04

your name? Cran. Cran. Yeah,

19:07

Cran. I think I was reading our classroom roster and I

19:09

think we're in your homeroom. Do you mind taking us to

19:11

your homeroom class? I want nothing to do with you guys.

19:13

If you're in my homeroom, then you know it's room 201.

19:16

Good luck. Let's follow them. We

19:19

follow. Okay. You're following

19:22

Cran, right? Yes. Is his

19:24

name crayon or crayon? You'd have to ask

19:26

him again. Hey, hey. Hey, follow

19:28

me. I swear to God. Don't make me involve S dog,

19:30

dude. Who?

19:34

S dog? What's up, dog? What's S dog? Are

19:38

you guys supposed to be here? Yeah, of course.

19:41

I just wanted to make sure I had your name right.

19:43

Is it crayon or crayon? Cran.

19:46

Cran. Which one of those is it? Give

19:48

me a deception check with you guys saying that you're

19:50

supposed to be here. We got to give all the

19:52

indicators that you shouldn't be. Why

19:55

not? I don't know what rock

19:57

you guys have been living under. I can't say this

19:59

is enough, I don't want anything to do with you, please leave me

20:01

alone. Okay, we don't want anything to do with you,

20:03

but we're in your homeroom. Yeah, crayon. Take us

20:06

to class, crayon. Oh my god,

20:08

okay, come on. And you

20:10

guys walk into 201, led by crayon. We

20:13

sit in the very back row, and I'm

20:15

gonna put my feet up on my desk

20:17

and I start peeling a pair.

20:20

Flint, introduce us to everybody. Be your cool

20:22

self and introduce us to everybody. Oh, yeah.

20:25

Hey, what's up? Whatever.

20:30

I'm here with my brother,

20:32

Monica Dayan. I watch out for

20:34

him, he bites. Also,

20:37

the girl next door, sort of my

20:39

best friend who I have a platonic

20:41

thing with, Ali, Chronophilus.

20:45

Chronophilus, also I'm over here.

20:47

You probably can't even see me because I'm so

20:49

much of a wallflower, just in case everybody knows.

20:51

She's basically invisible. And over here

20:53

is Stacy. And

20:55

no, it's not. It's...

20:59

Yeah. She likes to sing, she likes to

21:01

dance. I would say look out for her,

21:03

she has a gambling problem. She'll

21:06

probably try to rob you, so I just say

21:08

stay wary of her. We're really excited to learn,

21:10

and shout out to crayon. Awesome tour

21:12

guide so far. The rest of

21:14

the students just kind of stare

21:16

at you. That was weird. So

21:20

who's teaching these days? And

21:22

a teacher walks into the room

21:25

and sits down in the first row, and

21:28

then crayon gets up and goes, I think we're ready

21:30

to begin. And goes to

21:32

the board and writes, Mr. Crayon. No,

21:34

no, no, no, no. So

21:40

is that really a teacher that just came and sat

21:42

down? So give me a perception

21:44

check or investigation check. Well,

21:47

if he's writing it on the board, we at least get to know what

21:49

it is. Thank God. I

21:51

got a 22. Okay, you can

21:54

tell that there is an adult sitting in

21:56

the front row that looks very much like

21:58

a teacher. that

22:00

it looks like a student, Crayon, is

22:02

about to lead this class. All

22:05

right, let's get this

22:07

started. We got some new folks. I'll write my name

22:09

on the board. Clint raises his hand. Dirt.

22:12

Oh, hold on. C, oh, we have a question.

22:14

No! He got done with his name! Oh. What?

22:19

And it started with a C? That surprised

22:22

you the most? Well, I'm hoping it's not

22:24

Crayon, or Crayon, or Crayon.

22:26

I think that'll all start with C in my mind.

22:30

I'm so surprised why you're surprised that

22:32

it's Crayon, man! Yeah,

22:35

we got a question. Yeah,

22:38

hi, I'm Clint, star purple player.

22:41

Fourth time you guys have introduced yourselves to me.

22:44

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who

22:46

is that man in the front row? And

22:49

aren't you a student? Why are you up there teaching

22:51

the class? That is Mr. Jacob. Why

22:53

is he here? You guys have way

22:55

too many questions. It's kind of freaking

22:57

me out. Executive decision, we

23:00

are going to send you to see S-Dog. S-Dog?

23:03

What's up, dog? Does that stand for sick

23:05

dog girl? Okay,

23:08

here's your hall pass. You guys gotta go see

23:10

S-Dog. Do we all have to go? I

23:12

didn't say a single peep. Yeah, you two,

23:14

demonic, Dan football. You gotta go. Demonic?

23:18

Stomonic! Out.

23:22

I've got a whole lesson to teach on

23:24

how cool S-Dog is, and we need to

23:26

get into it. Wait, you think he's cool?

23:28

The scary guy, you think he's cool? We all do.

23:30

This is why you need to go check in

23:33

with S-Dog. This is getting really weird. Please go.

23:35

Okay, this might be a cult situation, guys. Do we have

23:37

our cult box? Yes, right here. And Beef

23:39

passes his trench coat. He's like, right here. And

23:42

as they leave the room, Beef

23:45

takes the chalk and he finishes

23:47

out the name Mr. Crap. Nice.

23:51

Okay, give me a dexterity check to see if you

23:53

can finish that before he physically removes you from the

23:55

room. That

23:58

rule. BOTS

24:00

again. God damn it!

24:03

You botched again? No, I didn't botch, but I got

24:05

a five. He

24:08

grabs you, chalk in hand, all you get

24:10

out is a little R, but it's not

24:12

even all the way finished. You're just continuing

24:14

my name. I don't know what plans you

24:16

had, but foiled out of here. Crap, crap,

24:18

crap. You're crap. Is it crap or is

24:20

it crayop? And

24:22

he slams the door. You guys are all standing in the hallway now.

24:25

I guess we'll never know. Alright, where is Esta? You

24:27

didn't tell us where to find him. Oh

24:30

wait, there's a bunch of signs all over the place

24:32

that point to Estog's lair. Lair?

24:35

What the heck? We start following the

24:38

signs to his lair. And the signs

24:40

lead you through the high school halls

24:42

that are now empty. And as you

24:45

walk past some of these classrooms, you can

24:47

see into them through the windows and the

24:49

door that they're mostly being led

24:51

by other students. And there's some teachers and

24:53

adults also sprinkled out throughout those classrooms as

24:56

well. But everyone is paying a lot of

24:58

attention to what's being said at the front

25:00

of the classroom. And it doesn't seem like

25:02

everything's out of control. In fact, it's the

25:05

opposite. Everyone seems to really

25:07

be focused on whatever is being

25:09

taught and excited to learn. As

25:12

you make your way down the hallway, you are led

25:14

to the gymnasium

25:17

before you enter. Is there anything you want to do? I

25:19

just want to say, I don't know what

25:21

the problem is. Everyone seems so... Yeah,

25:23

I feel like Mick angry. Maybe letters on

25:26

wild goose chase. Maybe this is just people

25:28

being cool and nice. No,

25:30

I smell something fishy. Nobody likes

25:32

an authority figure out of school. But

25:35

his name's Zestog. I know that

25:37

is cool. So that has given me pause for

25:40

sure. Pause. Pause.

25:42

That's funny. Chip would love that.

25:44

He would. He would. I miss Chip. Doesn't

25:47

matter. Okay, so yeah, I'm

25:49

a little bit weary. I think we

25:51

should have like weapons or... Does

25:54

everyone have some weapons? Well, do we

25:56

have to have weapons as our

25:58

new identities? Yes. Okay. Okay, then

26:00

yes I do. Okay,

26:03

me as well. Demonic Dan has a yo-yo.

26:06

Ally Chronophilus has art,

26:08

paint brushes, and a palette shield. Whoa,

26:11

that's sick. Flint

26:14

has his fists. Nice.

26:17

And Stacey has

26:19

a lit cigarette. Ooh, that's good.

26:21

I like that. So you enter

26:23

the gymnasium. Give me a perception check. 16

26:28

bucks. What

26:31

is wrong with your dice today? Bad dice

26:33

today. Oh, bad dice day. As

26:36

you enter the gymnasium, it kind

26:38

of has the same vibe as

26:41

in Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight

26:44

Rises when Scarecrow, so like

26:46

Cillian Murphy's character, has like his own

26:48

judgment set up where he's got like

26:50

his own like stand where people are

26:52

coming up to like see him one

26:54

by one and then he's the judge,

26:56

jury, and executioner kind of a thing.

26:58

It's not as sinister. It's more

27:00

like high school vibe of that. I would say the

27:03

Scarecrow version was exactly like what my high school was

27:05

like. Whoa, are you okay?

27:08

But there are people like almost watching

27:10

on like the bleachers in the gymnasium

27:12

on both sides. And then

27:15

the court itself is like a line of

27:17

people waiting to be seen. And

27:19

then there is almost like a throne at the

27:21

far end of the gym. And

27:23

seated inside it, you would assume

27:26

could only be Estog himself. And

27:29

with your perception, as you start to walk

27:31

closer in the line to be seen by

27:33

Estog, you see that

27:35

Estog is actually a teenager

27:38

himself, kind of a scrawnier

27:40

teenager, just skinnier. And

27:42

he's got spiked hair that has like

27:44

a ton of gel in it. Cool.

27:47

He's got like Pit Viper sunglasses and

27:50

his tips of his hair. I have frosted.

27:53

He's got frosted. No. Oh man.

27:56

Why didn't I pick this costume? He's wearing

27:59

rollerblades. But he's

28:01

seated so he's not really rolling around right

28:03

now, but he is wearing roller braids ready

28:05

to tread. Holy cow. But he's still, like his

28:07

legs are kind of like rolling, you know, like they're

28:09

going back and forth. Right, totally. So

28:12

cool. He's wearing knee pads and elbow pads. I get

28:14

it. For safety. Mm-hmm.

28:17

And he's got a completely crushed

28:19

Capri Sun sitting vanquished

28:22

at his feet. Vanquished. Okay,

28:24

as you're like waiting for other people to, you

28:27

know, have their peace heard, what are you doing in

28:29

line? I would like to chat up the

28:31

person in front of us. Good

28:33

idea. Hey, hey, excuse me. Excuse us. I

28:36

just. Oh yeah. What's up? Have

28:39

you been in this line before? Have

28:41

you seen S-Dog before? This is our

28:43

first time. It's your first time seeing

28:45

S-Dog? Oh man, I'm so jealous. I

28:47

wish I could see S-Dog for the first

28:50

time again. That'd be sick. Yeah. Yeah. Oh,

28:52

sorry. You probably didn't notice me. Hi,

28:54

I'm Ali. What's the deal? What's the

28:57

deal with him? What's the deal with S-Dog? He

28:59

is the deal. What are you talking about? How

29:01

long has he been here? Jeez, I

29:03

mean, as long as I've been here, S-Dog's been

29:05

here. When did you get here? Uh,

29:08

two years ago. Two years ago. Are

29:10

you a teacher? This happens all day. All

29:12

these students are like teachers and the teachers are

29:14

students. It's hard to know. Yeah, which

29:16

one are you? Well, I'm a student. Oh,

29:18

cool, cool, cool. I used to be a

29:20

teacher. You used to be. Are you in

29:22

trouble? No, I'm just asking that we

29:25

do pizza days on Thursdays and Fridays

29:27

actually in the cafeteria. Oh, that's such

29:29

a good idea. Really? Yeah,

29:31

I'll ask for Wednesdays too. Oh, that would be

29:33

awesome. Um, this is obviously a joke

29:36

because no one would ever go up against

29:38

S-Dog, but has anyone ever tried to go

29:40

up against S-Dog? What do you mean go

29:42

up against? Like question his authority in any

29:45

way. Why would we?

29:47

He's always right. He's always

29:49

right. Keep your hand on the cult box. Yeah,

29:51

keep your hand on the cult box. You

29:55

guys! What is it, Jennifer? I

29:58

mean, Stacy. I

30:01

just remembered that I hadn't talked in a

30:03

while. Okay classic go back to bed

30:11

Hello everybody I am just popping in to talk

30:13

to you about one of my favorite apps Rocket

30:16

money rocket money is a

30:18

personal finance app that finds and cancels

30:20

your unwanted subscriptions Monitors your spending and

30:22

helps lower your bills so that you

30:24

can grow your savings. I've been using

30:26

this for years It helps so much

30:28

with my taxes and also it helps

30:30

because I will sign up for free

30:32

trials of things and then completely forget

30:34

About it and I'll be like wait,

30:37

where's this money going and

30:39

then I'll go into rocket money They'll be like hey you're signed

30:41

up for these things I just press

30:43

a couple buttons and they cancel it for

30:45

me They will even try to negotiate lowering

30:47

your bills by up to 20% All

30:50

you have to do is submit a picture of your bill and

30:52

rocket money takes care of the rest They'll deal

30:54

with the customer service for you. It's so nice It's

30:57

like having a little secretary in your phone Rocket

31:00

money has over 5 million users and

31:02

has saved a total of 500 million

31:04

dollars in canceled subscriptions saving members up

31:06

to $740 a year

31:09

when using all the apps features, so

31:11

stop wasting money on things you don't

31:13

use Cancel your unwanted

31:15

subscriptions by going to rocket money

31:17

dot-com slash sitcom D and D

31:20

That's rocket money dot-com slash

31:22

sitcom D and D rocket

31:25

money dot-com slash sitcom Dnd

31:27

and that's the letter D and then the letter

31:30

N and then the letter D. Okay.

31:33

I love you. I miss you. Goodbye sitcom

31:36

D&D is brought to you by

31:38

babble the best way to learn a language

31:41

Immersion living where the language is spoken

31:43

and using it every day But if

31:45

that's not in the cards this year you

31:48

can still learn a language the second best

31:50

way and that's with babble. I I

31:53

love that sound because that means I'm learning. Be

31:55

a better you in 2024 with

31:57

Babbel, the science-backed language learning app that

31:59

actually works. Don't pay hundreds of dollars

32:02

for private tutors or waste hours on

32:04

apps that don't really help you speak

32:06

the language. Babbel's

32:16

tips and tools are approachable, accessible,

32:18

rooted in real life situations, and

32:20

delivered with conversation based teaching so

32:22

you're ready to practice what you've

32:24

learned in the real world. And

32:26

it's the good stuff, all right?

32:28

They make it easy to learn

32:30

how to order food, ask for

32:32

directions, speak to people selling things

32:35

without having to consult language apps

32:37

while on vacation. But don't just take it from

32:39

me, Babbel has over 16 million

32:41

subscriptions sold. Plus all of Babbel's 14

32:43

award winning language courses are backed by

32:46

their 20 day money back

32:48

guarantee. So here's a special, limited time

32:50

deal for our listeners. Right now, get

32:53

up to 60% off

32:55

your Babbel subscription, but only

32:57

for our listeners, at

33:00

babbel.com/sitcom. Again,

33:02

get up to

33:04

60% off at

33:06

babbel.com/sitcom, spelled babbel.com/sitcom.

33:08

Rules and restrictions

33:10

may apply. Okay,

33:15

who's up to see S-Dog? Actually,

33:18

whoa, I don't recognize you three.

33:20

What's up? What's up? My

33:22

name's Flint Football, that's my

33:24

brother over there. His

33:26

name is Demonic Dan Football.

33:28

Be careful, he bites. That

33:32

is my best friend from growing

33:34

up. Yeah, we're just friends and that's it, and that's all

33:36

we'll ever be. And she's invisible and stuff.

33:38

And the little one that's asleep in

33:40

her arms is Stacy. And

33:46

we are transfer students, and we

33:48

are just beyond honored to meet

33:50

you, sir. Heard great things. Oh,

33:53

transfer students, okay, cool. I see

33:55

you've kind of been getting acclimated here.

33:58

We probably do things a little bit differently. Then you

34:00

last school huh pretty cool. Yes.

34:02

How do you do things here

34:05

everybody? We've got newcomers time to

34:07

give them the tour bring in

34:09

the ramp zedar Zedar

34:12

Now what zedar gonna be like

34:14

zedar zedar looks to be like

34:17

a cannonball made of mud walks

34:20

out when walks out

34:22

a Cannonball he's

34:24

an anthropomorph a cannonball made of mud and

34:26

he walks out with his feet or he

34:29

doesn't roll out He's leaving a trail of

34:31

sloppy mud steps as he walks into the

34:33

gymnasium pushing out a little like mini vert

34:36

ramp You know half a half fight Okay

34:38

And he pushes it to the stands that

34:40

s dog has been standing on to give

34:42

him a way down from oh he's gonna

34:45

drop down The he's gonna drop in to

34:47

be on gymnasium floor and

34:49

so s dog has now clipped in his

34:51

helmet and he's double checks his elbow pads

34:53

and his knee pads and Give

34:56

me a perception check Eight

34:59

sixteen I

35:01

got a five. Okay, you

35:03

can tell he's it's taking a while. He's not

35:05

going down the ramp And he's just trying to psych himself up

35:08

and almost he can't get himself to

35:11

do it Do you even know how to stay just

35:13

give me a second? Okay? Radical

35:18

dude, and then he grabs

35:20

the top of the ramp and then puts

35:22

his belly button down And

35:25

puts his toes to the ramp and then

35:27

ah Let's go

35:29

and slowly you just hear that Squeak

35:32

as his belly rubs against the ramp as

35:34

he goes down belly first facing up

35:36

the ramp slowly just slides down He

35:44

stands up he slips on his skates falls thank God he's wearing

35:46

a helmet cuz he cracks the back of his head Then

35:48

he stands back out did he

35:50

get such an injury from that?

35:53

There's a moment of silence and then

35:55

everyone cheers with a fist in the air Crazy!

36:01

And he does a little bow, takes off his

36:03

helmet. Are they making fun of him? Is that

36:05

what this is? I don't think so.

36:08

If that had happened to my high school, we

36:10

would have teed him into oblivion. Which

36:12

is not the right thing to do, but we would have done it. And

36:15

it would have been earned. Yes, I would have done an eatin', man.

36:18

Can we do like an arcana check to see if something fishy's

36:20

going on? Yeah. On

36:22

S-Dog, yeah. Sure. Smart. Now we're playing. Now

36:24

we're playing. What the hell is going on with this guy?

36:28

Alright, 17. Okay. As

36:30

far as you can tell, he's got

36:32

nothing magic going on with

36:34

him. There's no like magic aura around

36:37

him. Doesn't seem like there's anything out

36:39

of the ordinary besides just being like

36:41

a typical kid. Well,

36:43

I'm gonna do an arcana check on the kid

36:45

that we were talking to in line. Cool. Okay,

36:48

gotcha. Miss Ben,

36:50

my arcana sucks. Yeah. My

36:52

arcana's negative one. So you miss Seb, not

36:55

that. Yes. He'd

36:57

probably turn into an animal or something right now.

36:59

Miss Seb, I got a 12. He

37:02

would have gotten like a 21. I got a 12.

37:04

Okay. With a

37:06

12, you don't notice

37:08

any magical abilities that any of

37:10

the students have. But

37:13

I will say, there's something that it seems

37:15

like all these students have in common. You

37:17

haven't been able to like put your finger

37:20

on it just yet. But like, as

37:22

you're studying the greater like student body and trying to get

37:24

a feel for like what is going on, you

37:27

notice that there's some sort of through line with all the

37:29

other students that you just can't quite put your finger on

37:31

just yet. Hmm. It's visible. Yeah,

37:35

there's some sort of visual consistency that you just

37:37

haven't been able to like figure out yet. All

37:39

right. So

37:41

now that I am down and I

37:43

just landed that sick trick, I

37:45

think I can roll you around and take you on a tour here.

37:48

Now, did you come from a classroom?

37:50

Do you need to get assigned to

37:52

a classroom ultimately? Yeah, we're with Cram.

37:55

Oh, Cram. Okay. He's fantastic.

37:57

Yeah, he's doing. I

38:00

think he's teaching like SDOG 101 right now, but

38:02

we don't even need to worry about the curriculum

38:04

just yet. And how do you

38:06

spell his name? Cran? Ah, let me

38:08

get back to you on that. I

38:11

think it's C-R-A. Oh,

38:15

sorry. I'm needed over here real quick. I'll be, I'm just

38:17

gonna have to sign off on this. Oh, he's giving us

38:19

a tour. And

38:21

yes, okay. Yeah, so officially

38:23

Pizza Days, Thursdays and Fridays.

38:26

Oh, we did it! We did it! We

38:29

did it! Hooray! Oh,

38:31

I get SDOG. All right.

38:33

Okay. I'd love to just

38:35

formally introduce myself. Maybe we do

38:37

that in my office. Do you

38:39

guys want to actually see my office? It's

38:42

pretty cool to give me an office here.

38:44

Sure. Yeah. That sounds fun. Maybe

38:46

you guys are picking up that I'm just

38:48

not a normal kid. I'm pretty cool. Yeah.

38:51

We could help out your athletic

38:53

display earlier. It was very stunning.

38:55

Yeah. All right. Cool. Cool. Well,

38:57

let's go ahead to my office then. And

39:00

you guys go to SDOG's office.

39:03

And you can tell that SDOG has

39:05

been placed over and like written out

39:07

in crayon. Over

39:09

what it had said, principal's office on

39:11

the door. And now it says SDOG's

39:13

office. Not a good sign. Okay.

39:17

So make yourselves

39:19

comfortable here. And I just kind

39:21

of want to give you the

39:23

lowdown, just that we rule the

39:25

school, you know? This is a

39:27

school for kids, by kids, run

39:29

by the coolest kids. And you

39:32

guys seem pretty cool. So

39:34

welcome, I guess. Is

39:36

there anything you'd want to see happen

39:38

if you were running a school that we can

39:40

put into place? I would love if we

39:42

didn't get to go home at the end of every

39:44

day. Oh, yeah. That would be so

39:47

nice. We don't like going home. Oh,

39:49

wow. Okay. Maybe I

39:51

already... did I? No. Okay.

39:54

Well, great. Anything else? A prom.

39:57

What's up with that? Is that happening or not? Be

40:00

more like proms plural. Oh

40:04

Very fun cool. And then when

40:06

you like graduate I mean,

40:08

I know that we're new here, but I think

40:10

Flint would do such a good job replacing you

40:13

How would we get him elected to whatever

40:15

position you hold? Well,

40:18

tell you what anyone can replace me

40:20

at any time as long as there's

40:23

a majority vote Which can be

40:25

called at any time democracy. Oh, that's

40:27

oh so you were voted to this position That

40:30

I was there's a lot of things people

40:32

just take it upon themselves to I don't

40:34

know You'd almost call it like where should

40:36

be I know it's gonna grow it's crazy

40:38

But now that we're in his

40:40

office Can I do another like arcana check

40:42

to see if there's like some sort of

40:44

source for the magic in here? Yeah Give

40:47

me an arcana check 19

40:51

okay, and you're just doing this on the

40:53

office in general the office in general Okay,

40:55

your eyes are immediately attracted to a couple

40:58

of bracelets that are laid out on

41:00

the desk and these

41:03

bracelets Have some sort

41:05

of glean to them, you

41:07

know They've been imbued with

41:09

some sort of glyph or

41:12

magical quality That is

41:14

a little bit above your pay grade, but you

41:16

know that there's something magic about them. So you

41:18

are getting paid Okay Okay,

41:21

they're beautiful beef goes to

41:24

touch them. These are

41:26

gorgeous. Oh, yeah Well, they're for you. You're

41:28

a student here And this is how we

41:30

keep track of our students make sure nobody

41:32

is hurt And then we

41:35

can identify outsiders versus real students here

41:37

beef don't put that on huh?

41:39

Oh No

41:42

feel free and he clasps it

41:44

on beef's wrist In

41:47

fact all of you why don't you place your bracelets

41:49

on oh, I already have so many

41:51

big chunky bracelets on I Don't

41:54

know if that will also fit over

41:56

my big artsy chunks. Oh well

42:00

Artsy Chunks. There's

42:02

not a lot of rules here. It's kind

42:04

of just the one, if you are gonna

42:06

be a student here, you do have to

42:08

wear the bracelet, and that's kind of it.

42:11

Chalice uses minor illusion to make it

42:13

seem like her bracelet snaps off. Nice,

42:15

fuck yeah. And then she's gonna keep

42:18

her hand behind her back after the

42:20

one minute mark. Gotcha. Okay,

42:22

awesome. So looks like we're just

42:24

waiting on you then. No,

42:27

because of my artsy chunks, I think

42:29

it's not gonna happen, if that's okay.

42:31

You should go to a different school though. Maybe

42:33

wait outside and watch from the window, make sure

42:35

everything's okay. Yeah, maybe I'll just go to a

42:37

different school instead. Well

42:40

yeah, that would have to be the case, because you

42:42

can't go here. It was nice to see you,

42:44

Allie, and meet you. Yeah, it's so good

42:46

to see you and meet you, Demogic Dan. Yeah,

42:49

there's no way for me to just be a part of it without

42:51

wearing the thing, no. That is

42:54

correct. And then you see him

42:56

open the door to his office and kind of

42:58

wave at a few people, and they come over,

43:00

and he begins to whisper to them, and he's

43:02

pointing at you, Chip, who's now Allie.

43:04

It's not Chip, it's Red Rhino. Red

43:07

Rhino, and saying, like, keep an eye on

43:09

this person, I don't trust them. Okay. And

43:12

so we'll check in with Beef right now. Beef,

43:14

you are effectively charmed. So

43:19

everything that S-Dog

43:21

says, everything that

43:23

he asked of you just seems like

43:25

it's coming from someone that you really,

43:27

really trust. Okay. Like with your whole

43:30

heart. Oh, Allie, yeah, you

43:32

gotta be wearing the bracelets. It's

43:34

the only way. I mean, come

43:36

on, S-Dog knows the right way

43:38

to do it. That's right. Yeah,

43:41

yeah, yeah. You

43:43

know, actually, I know that I'm

43:45

new to the school, but I'd

43:48

like to do a vote. I'd

43:50

like to do a vote. You just said you're not a

43:52

part of this school, so you're gonna be

43:54

escorted out. No, I'm trying to change the rules

43:56

because I think that people don't love wearing the

43:58

bracelets. Listen, I guess we- We can talk over each

44:01

other all day. Now this is how it

44:03

works. You can only call a vote if

44:05

you are a student. In order to be

44:07

a student, you have to wear the bracelet.

44:09

I would like to call a

44:11

vote because of course, we'll all

44:13

just re-vote you in, S-Dog. You're

44:15

brilliant. Let's call a vote. Okay,

44:18

fine. You can call a vote.

44:20

You're a student. You're wearing the

44:22

bracelet. I love it. I can't

44:24

wait to vote for you, S-Dog.

44:26

Yes, Flynn. You get it. Cals

44:29

looks over at Beep like, ugh. Ugh.

44:32

Ugh. No. Okay,

44:34

and why don't you escort this one out

44:37

of here? Yeah, get out of

44:39

here, Ally. Well, I'm running. I'm

44:41

running against him. You are not a student

44:43

here. Well, I'm trying to change the rules.

44:45

I'm running against him because I would love

44:47

to lose to you. What an honor that

44:50

would be. A couple adult former

44:52

teachers that he had called over Grab

44:54

Red Rhino in disguise, or Ally, however

44:56

you want to look at it, and

44:59

start to escort you off the premises. Bye,

45:02

Ally. It was nice to meet you.

45:04

Bye, Ally. Sorry, it didn't work out.

45:06

Okay, see ya. Guys, I got you.

45:08

Don't worry. I'll save you. I promise.

45:11

Child swings. Beef blinks. Yeah.

45:15

Okay, and then you guys enter back

45:17

into the gymnasium. All right, I

45:20

know we haven't done this in a while. It hasn't

45:22

been called for in, I don't know, since I

45:24

started in this position you all put me

45:26

in, but we're calling for a vote of

45:28

who's gonna be, I guess, I don't even

45:30

know what the title would be. It's just

45:32

my name, S-Dog, but a new vote for

45:34

who we want S-Dog to be. I don't

45:36

know if it could be anybody else but

45:38

me, but here we go. So

45:41

Flint football, did you have something that you wanted

45:43

to say? I just wanted to say

45:46

that I'm running against him as

45:49

a joke. Of course you're gonna

45:51

vote for S-Dog. He's the

45:53

coolest best ever, but

45:56

I just want the honor of saying that I

45:58

ran against him. him

46:00

and lost. So don't write

46:02

my name down. Don't you dare

46:05

write my name down or you'll

46:07

get these fists. Okay,

46:09

all right. No need for that.

46:12

If you really do think that Flint

46:14

football here should be the new S-Dog,

46:16

go ahead and write down Flint football.

46:19

But I love you guys. I've been

46:21

having a blast being super cool with

46:23

y'all. And if we don't vote

46:25

me in, I'll just say then I don't

46:27

think the S-Dog shrine outside is

46:30

going to get finished anytime soon. And

46:32

that would be a bummer, right? But

46:34

yes, vote for whatever your heart says

46:36

should be the case. Okay, everybody vote.

46:39

I'm voting for S-Dog. I

46:41

am too. And I'm on the ballot. Does

46:44

Flint get a laugh? Flint gets

46:46

a huge laugh. Can

46:50

beef investigate Flint? Yeah.

46:53

Because I think I don't believe him. Okay,

46:56

you're my brother. It's

46:58

more reason. Okay, mean.

47:00

Well, you're lucky. I

47:02

got a four. Great.

47:05

But Flint does write down Flint. But

47:08

with a four, I do not. Yeah.

47:11

The votes are collected by

47:13

the cannonball mud creature. Who

47:16

can walk? Zeder. And

47:18

then he muddly hands

47:20

them over to S-Dog. Who's going

47:22

through them? Vote for

47:24

S-Dog. And while he's counting up those votes, I

47:27

want to check in with Red Rhino. Red

47:30

Rhino gets tossed outside like he's being ejected

47:32

from a club and was misbehaving. All

47:37

right, Chip tries to or chip.

47:39

I mean, Ally, I mean, Red Rhino, I mean, Ally.

47:43

I mean, I mean, good. Ally's

47:47

going to try and find another way back in so

47:49

that he can help beef and black widow.

47:51

I mean, demonic

47:53

stand. We broke up. End the episode and burn

47:55

the mp3. Yeah,

47:58

so try and help them. Okay, great. Give me

48:00

a you can either do perception to get like

48:02

a general take on this or if you want

48:04

to investigate the school and more closely you can

48:06

roll for that to whatever you prefer. I'll just

48:09

do investigation. Okay,

48:12

with a 13, you

48:14

do see on the outside all

48:16

the doors that you go and

48:18

try are locked. However, there is

48:21

a window that seems to be

48:23

cracked as you walk around the

48:25

periphery of the school. Give

48:28

me also a stealth check as you're going

48:30

about this to make sure that

48:32

some of the watching eyes

48:34

that may be around and on guard

48:36

don't see you. You're

48:40

safe. Okay, I sneak back

48:42

in and try to

48:44

make my way back towards the gymnasium.

48:46

Okay, you lift up the window and

48:48

you fall into the room. Give me

48:51

a perception check for the room. And

48:55

they. Okay. It's hard to tell what's going on

48:57

in this room and you're starting to realize that

48:59

the window is cracked for a reason. There

49:02

is some sort of machine some

49:04

sort of steam punk machine that

49:06

is generating a lot of

49:08

what seems to just be like pulsating

49:11

energy as well as smoke

49:13

and like fog. If you had a world higher,

49:15

you would have kind of seen that there's some

49:18

like steam that was like actually kind of coming

49:20

out of that window. But there

49:22

is a machine at work in

49:24

this room. Can I

49:26

do an arcana check to see what's going on with it?

49:28

Yeah, for sure. With

49:33

a 15, this is a

49:35

kind of above again, chips pay grade

49:37

as to exactly what this machine purposes

49:39

and what it should be doing. But

49:42

you connect it to the bracelet. It

49:44

looks like an old fashioned stove that would almost

49:46

like being a cabin. Is it like the center

49:49

of the heart of this and then a bunch

49:51

of pipes leading out of it and then energy

49:53

is kind of radiating and pulsating like a heartbeat.

49:55

You just notice that the energy coming out of

49:57

it kind of reminds you of the glean that

49:59

was happening. on the bracelets that all the

50:01

students are wearing. I unplug

50:03

the machine. This

50:07

machine does not have a plug. I

50:10

destroy the machine. OK. Use

50:12

your paint shield. You've got

50:15

to use your paint shield. I

50:17

repaint it to do something else fun instead. OK.

50:21

So as you're looking at this

50:23

machine, I actually want to check

50:25

back in with the gymnasium. S-Dog

50:28

was in the middle of counting those votes.

50:31

OK. Another one for S-Dog. And then

50:33

everyone cheers again. Yay! Oh

50:35

my god. S-Dog, you're so cool.

50:39

And why don't you read this one for me,

50:41

demonic Dan football? This one says, Flint.

50:46

Wait, what? What?

50:48

Someone voted for me. What? I

50:50

voted for both of you. OK, who did

50:52

this? Who thinks that

50:54

there's someone cooler than S-Dog here, huh?

50:56

I swear, S-Dog, it wasn't me. It

50:59

could not have ever been me. I

51:01

think it's you. You are God. You

51:03

are him. You are the

51:05

light of my eyes. Silence yourself, oaf.

51:08

I quiet myself. Somebody

51:12

here doesn't think S-Dog

51:14

is the top dog. And I

51:16

want them to come forward and

51:18

be brave if they dare. Maybe

51:21

you voted for me. Because

51:23

you're so great, right? That would have been the

51:25

cool thing to do, right? What the

51:27

fuck are you talking about? I'm not an

51:30

idiot. You're new. I don't tri- show me

51:32

your bracelet. I love you. I

51:34

love you. Show me your bracelet. T-T-Give

51:38

it. Show me. Bad

51:40

dog. Hey. Paw.

51:43

You get off to me like that. Beef

51:46

comes up behind

51:48

Chalice and grabs

51:51

her bracelet. So

51:53

then your hand goes forward. Is that what you're trying

51:55

to do? Give me a post-strength check, you two. Chalice,

51:57

if you're going to try to resist. I am. I

52:01

got a five. I also got

52:04

a five. This is so pathetic.

52:06

We're all pathetic. We're in a lock but

52:08

it's weak. It's very weak. I just thought

52:10

he was actually going to step in because

52:12

he can tell it's at a stalemate. Grabs

52:14

Chalice's wrist from behind her back and pulls

52:16

it forward to reveal she's not

52:19

wearing a bracelet. I

52:21

should have known there was tricks afoot.

52:24

Someone get me a cool bracelet that we all

52:26

love. You're a nerd, you nerd. And when you

52:28

wiped out earlier on your skateboard, you looked like

52:30

a f***ing idiot. Okay,

52:33

that's it. No, I'm actually beeped off.

52:35

Everybody grab her. And all those students

52:37

are like, yes, that's Sugg. What is she doing? And

52:40

they come and surround and swarm Chalice.

52:43

Chalice uses dust. Dust at the

52:45

approaching mobs? Yeah. Okay,

52:47

they are blown back. And as

52:49

quickly as possible, stand up, ready themselves

52:52

to rush in again.

52:54

You have another action to take before they get

52:57

to you. Is there anything that you'd like to

52:59

do as now it's almost like

53:01

World War Z. They are a mob running

53:03

at you. I'm

53:05

going to do web. Okay, cool. Web them

53:08

up. They need to do a saving throw. 14. Gotcha.

53:11

And what square footage can you 20 foot cube?

53:15

A 20 foot cube gets

53:17

friggin webbed and

53:20

half of them in the 20 foot

53:22

cube, which is about probably a third of

53:24

the people total. So one sixth of the

53:26

people are effectively webbed and stuck. The other

53:28

one six that you hit doesn't really phase

53:30

them and they're still rushing at you. They're

53:33

swarming in. And as they're about to all

53:35

just seize Chalice, I'm going to cut back

53:37

to Red Rhino, AKA

53:39

Allie, standing before the

53:42

machine. Painting. That is emanating

53:44

this energy. I'm painting it fun

53:47

colors as I investigate to see how to like,

53:49

if there's something I can just unscrew, is there

53:51

like one little thing I can unscrew and it

53:53

turns the whole thing apart or do I got

53:55

to smash it with a big axe? Yeah, give

53:57

me an investigation check. Okay. I

53:59

got to smash this thing with a big axe. big axe. Uh,

54:02

nine. With a nine, the

54:05

only answer you're seeing right now is

54:07

like a possible option to like the

54:09

weakness in it would just be

54:11

to smash it with your big axe. You

54:14

do sense that there is a risk that if

54:16

you do smash this thing there might be some

54:19

sort of magical explosion. You don't know how big

54:21

or bad it would be, but it

54:23

could be bad. Well, the

54:25

only solution I could think of unfortunately. So

54:28

I take off my ponytail wig revealing

54:30

my giant rhino horn. Oh my

54:33

god. A beautiful music place. They're

54:35

beautiful. Yeah, you're beautiful. You're beautiful.

54:42

It's not taking down the ponytail, it's taking off

54:44

the ponytail wig. Yeah. I

54:46

take off my glasses so that they don't

54:48

break. And there was one student who must

54:50

have been on watch duty that saw that

54:52

the window is all the way open and

54:54

was coming in to investigate and saw just

54:56

that moment and for them all time stopped.

54:58

And they're just saying you shake out your

55:00

horn after removing that ponytail and you are

55:02

beautiful to them. I turn to them and

55:05

I smile to give a little cheeky smile.

55:07

Their eyes roll back and they pass out in

55:09

bliss. Yeah, I get it. I

55:12

climb to as

55:14

high as I can and jump down

55:16

horn first at this device.

55:19

Okay, give me an attack roll with

55:21

advantage because you're using a horn and

55:23

this is a freaking red rhino episode.

55:26

Oh, that 21st roll. Yeah, that

55:28

doesn't work. No,

55:35

I'm just kidding. That's

55:37

like your horn hits the machine

55:40

at the perfect pinpoint of

55:42

its vulnerability and it is

55:44

not a tactical slash that

55:47

you're hitting with this thing,

55:49

but it is blunt force

55:51

and there is a magical

55:54

explosion. Your entire vision, Jeff,

55:56

is just all bright

55:58

gold. biggest heartbeat

56:00

or pulsation that you've seen come out of

56:02

this machine, blast across what

56:05

you must assume is the

56:07

entire school campus. You are

56:09

rocketed into the wall, driven

56:12

by this concussive blast coming out

56:14

of the machine. Give

56:17

me a d20 roll on

56:19

damage here. Oh damn. Careful.

56:22

Oh seven. Oh okay. You

56:25

take seven damage. Okay. Thank

56:27

god I had my pallet. And

56:30

as the dust, and there is

56:32

some dust and smoke in the air, does

56:34

start to settle, I actually want to check

56:36

back in the gymnasium where

56:39

the hands that were about

56:41

to grab chalice, the

56:43

individuals who owned those

56:45

hands are now staring at them, going

56:47

what was I, why was

56:49

I just doing what I was just doing? And

56:52

stay away. And the beef's like, yeah, like pulling

56:54

on her arm. He's like give me that, give

56:56

me that. Huh? Sick

57:00

dog woman. What's

57:03

happening? What you guys stop

57:05

for? Get grabber. No,

57:07

this is, this is sick

57:09

dog lady. You listened to Ashdog, the coolest

57:12

kid in school. That's me.

57:14

What's happening? Kids, you're free to go

57:16

home. Ashdog has now been

57:18

defeated. I mean, Red

57:20

Rhino, right. Red Rhino comes running into the

57:22

gymnasium. I did it. I

57:24

did it. I broke the thing. Hey guys, there was

57:27

a thing and I broke it. There was a thing?

57:29

Yeah, I broke it. Whoa, how big was the thing?

57:31

Oh, it was pretty big and I painted it and

57:33

it was very pretty. Wait a second. You're

57:36

beautiful. Black

57:39

Widow, you don't, you don't really mean that, do you?

57:41

I absolutely mean that. I'll give you

57:44

his poster to roll around later on.

57:47

I'm gonna, yeah, I'm gonna need that. Black Widow,

57:49

Red Runt, Repayers? Yeah. I

57:53

thought I frickin' took care of you guys

57:55

before. What? Wait, what do

57:57

you mean? What are you talking about? Give me an

57:59

investigation check. I will I

58:01

shall I won't I'm

58:04

negative I've been rolling bad 13

58:07

for me Blackjack

58:12

chalice it all hits you like a ton

58:14

of bricks you recognize s dog as Simon

58:19

the teenage wizard with

58:21

the cat named hang em you rang

58:23

you little And hang

58:25

em walks out has been taking a nap in a

58:27

little patch of sunshine in the back of the gymnasium

58:29

and hops up on Simon's shoulder what oh

58:32

you got away last time with like an egg

58:34

and I freaking told you I was working on

58:36

mind control stuff kind Of worried for

58:38

you guys that you didn't figure this out earlier But

58:41

on you were you were just using it to

58:43

be cool, and you were doing that. Oh my

58:45

god. Oh my god Oh my god. He was using it to be

58:47

cruel at a high school It's

58:54

pathetic. It's honestly pathetic. Get a

58:57

haircut. Hey get a haircut. No

58:59

no okay guys hey hey we

59:01

were all in high school once I Did

59:04

embarrassing stupid things I'm sure you all

59:07

did as well. No not me.

59:09

Okay, I doubt that. Red Rhino

59:11

didn't. Here's the thing I'm sorry

59:13

everybody listen. I'm sorry and What's

59:16

really nice is it actually gave me the

59:18

opportunity to realize that even

59:21

without the bracelets I've learned

59:23

to be like a pretty cool kid No,

59:26

no, okay, but you know what

59:29

don't lie. We will take you out for

59:31

a milkshake I just go so hard before I

59:33

had the mind control. I know yeah, you're not

59:36

getting away this time, buddy We're gonna bring you

59:38

to our boss, but we're gonna get you a

59:40

milkshake first. You've been here for over two

59:42

years This is not okay. I was only

59:44

mind controlling for like a year buddy. This

59:46

guy's name is Simon And

59:50

he sucks at rollerblade tricks Okay,

59:52

okay, okay, but he also I

59:54

will say everyone had pizza on Thursday

59:57

and Friday and a million

59:59

proms I think he had a couple

1:00:01

good ideas. Alright, Simon. Come on.

1:00:04

Thank you. Where am I going? To

1:00:06

jail, probably. Yeah, you're going to jail for certain,

1:00:08

but we will stop for a couple

1:00:10

of creamy shakes. Just for trying to be

1:00:12

cool? No, for the mind control

1:00:14

stuff. Can't believe we're gonna send a kid

1:00:16

to jail just for trying to be cool.

1:00:19

That's not why you go to jail. No,

1:00:21

no, that sucks, kid. You

1:00:23

can't just say just, like it's just

1:00:25

like minimal things. Kids haven't seen their

1:00:27

families and you- All I did was

1:00:29

give kids pizza one more day in

1:00:31

the week, tried to be cool, and

1:00:33

you're gonna put me in a maximum

1:00:35

security prison. You wouldn't let them go

1:00:38

home. You basically kidnapped them. Well,

1:00:40

let's ask everybody. Do you guys feel

1:00:42

now? No, don't do this. Don't do this. No,

1:00:45

keep laying low, kid. Lay low. And they all

1:00:47

rushed in to try to grab him like they

1:00:49

were trying to grab Jonathan to destroy him? Protect

1:00:51

me! I yell, pickle,

1:00:53

and I pick up everybody. You pickle

1:00:55

up everybody. Just as both sides

1:00:57

are about to smash into each other, like

1:00:59

two walls of people are about to collide

1:01:01

onto Simon to make him pay. And

1:01:04

you pickle up everybody and shoot up

1:01:06

into the air so high, almost

1:01:08

into the camera, that it creates the next

1:01:10

transition. Thanks for letting me have a milkshake

1:01:12

with you guys before I go to jail.

1:01:15

Yeah. Hey, we

1:01:17

told you to be quiet during picnic time. All right,

1:01:19

Simon? Just be honest with me. Would

1:01:21

my time be well spent convincing you that I don't need

1:01:23

to go to jail during this milkshake time,

1:01:25

or should I just enjoy my milkshake? No, no, no.

1:01:27

Enjoy your milkshake. Chip, and you

1:01:30

would have loved it. The red rhino, he

1:01:32

looked so gorgeous, and he

1:01:34

destroyed this huge machine. He saved the

1:01:36

day. Whoa, he could have been more gorgeous than me,

1:01:38

was he? No way. And

1:01:41

Chalice puts her head on his shoulder.

1:01:43

Not even close. Aw. And

1:01:45

then Beef looks at Chalice like, yeah,

1:01:47

and they're both like, No, you're

1:01:50

not. Red, red,

1:01:52

red, red. What's on my daughter? You want to be wild? So

1:01:56

the thing about being cool,

1:01:58

Simon, is you got... Let

1:02:00

people sleep don't understand

1:02:03

that that doesn't mean anything

1:02:05

to me. It means everything to me You

1:02:07

got to get your hair, right? Okay, so it looks

1:02:09

like you got a bad haircut I think we can all

1:02:12

agree everybody Simon has a bad haircut Yeah,

1:02:14

so what you need to do is you need

1:02:16

to first of all chop off the little frosty

1:02:18

little tips That's a chips tip.

1:02:20

I'm really scared to go to jail Have

1:02:25

any of us been to jail I don't think any of us have been

1:02:27

to jail we were remember we were undercover to try to

1:02:29

get what's his name out Oh look crazy.

1:02:31

Yes. Oh, yeah You

1:02:34

haven't listened to the show. This is

1:02:36

another fog horn leg horn I'll

1:02:47

say something that Elizabeth said last night that I'll

1:02:49

tell you two things last night that were Gonna

1:02:55

Grabbing her nipples as a bit as a joke that

1:02:57

was making the table laugh We were all I was

1:03:00

looking at it and then I went that's what your nipples are

1:03:02

and you went yes, of course Then you went where are your nipples

1:03:04

and before he answered? Poking

1:03:07

my blue voice there. I don't

1:03:09

know they're fully pressing into my

1:03:11

breasts going there Yeah, and

1:03:13

then she guessed it perfectly and it felt And

1:03:16

then she said Elizabeth said I would have sex

1:03:18

with any of my friends if it was a

1:03:20

medical reason or for science I could compare mental

1:03:23

eyes and have sex with any of you and

1:03:25

we went thank you Elizabeth and

1:03:27

I wouldn't have told anyone that hey, I'm an

1:03:29

open book Keith come at me I know I

1:03:31

can't hurt you you would have said that volunteer

1:03:34

stronger. That was her second story.

1:03:36

She had sitcom

1:03:40

D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews

1:03:42

Ben Briggs Aaron Keith believe Mansoor

1:03:44

and me Sean coiled Arnie

1:03:46

parrot wrote the theme song will lead and I

1:03:48

worked out the story concept and Grace Harper did

1:03:50

the editing on this Now it's

1:03:52

also a great time to check out

1:03:54

our patreon support from our patrons is

1:03:56

what makes this show possible It's how

1:03:58

we pay for us editors, equipment, and

1:04:01

all the expenses that go into

1:04:03

creating this show that we love.

1:04:05

So sign up for our Patreon

1:04:07

at patreon.com/sitcom D&D and get in

1:04:10

on the fun! And

1:04:12

if you want to keep up with the gang

1:04:14

and get sneak peeks at upcoming episodes and future

1:04:16

guests, you can follow the show on Instagram and

1:04:18

Twitter at sitcom D&D. That's sitcom

1:04:21

and then the letters D and D. Okay,

1:04:24

I think that's it for now. Until

1:04:26

next Tuesday, and thanks, as always,

1:04:28

for listening. That

1:04:35

was a HeadGum Podcast. I'm

1:05:00

your host, Steve Goldblum. And thanks for listening.