0:01

Before we get into this week's episode of Small Doses

0:03

podcast, I want to remind you that if you haven't

0:05

gotten your tickets to my shows in Baltimore on May

0:07

10th, 11th and 12th at the

0:09

Baltimore Comedy Factory, then you are slipping.

0:11

Let's sell these shows out. Let's show

0:14

folks that we support folks who really

0:16

be on their own, right? Folks who

0:18

really stand on their business. Folks

0:20

who are really about their identity and

0:22

will not shake just because everyone tells

0:24

them to. I'm talking about me. If

0:27

you want to hear more Amanda Seals truths, if

0:30

you want to laugh, if you want to learn

0:32

that you know what to do, you need to be

0:34

with me at the Baltimore Comedy Factory May 10th, 11th

0:36

and 12th. The next weekend I'll

0:38

be in Boston at Laugh Boston. In the

0:40

weekend after that, I'll be in Rylin, North

0:42

Carolina at Good Nights. So if you are

0:45

in any of those cities or you know

0:47

people in any of those cities, let's get

0:49

this grassroots word of mouth marketing going and

0:51

let everybody know that I'm coming to they

0:53

town and they can go to amandaceals.com to

0:55

get their tickets. I also want

0:57

to shout out everybody who is subscribing to

0:59

Patreon. We launched our new Baldwin tier and

1:02

we're also showing people that they

1:04

can get full hour long views

1:06

of my standup sets. If you

1:08

also subscribe to the Inamandui Trust

1:10

tier. Now if you want to

1:12

get in on the bonus

1:14

episodes of Small Doses Podcast, maybe you can

1:16

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1:18

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1:20

want more doses, then you know what to do. Become

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1:26

but not least, if you have not checked

1:28

out my other show, The Amanda Seal Show.

1:30

It's a radio show where we are syndicated

1:32

to the number of cities, but you can

1:34

also check it out wherever you get your

1:36

podcasts. So get you some Amanda in your

1:38

life unfiltered, but always educated and check it

1:40

out before we get into this next episode

1:42

of Small Doses Podcast. Thanks

1:51

for watching. So

2:05

this week we decided to throw it

2:07

back to an episode that

2:10

was one of my favorite episodes to

2:12

do with the incomparable Ms. TS Madison.

2:15

Side effects of living out loud. It

2:17

is just such a difficult

2:19

thing to do for so many people.

2:21

And so many people find it difficult

2:23

to simply just give people the space

2:26

to live out loud. But what I

2:28

love about TS Madison is that she's

2:30

not asking for space. She's taking up

2:32

space. And in this

2:34

interview and this episode and this

2:36

conversation, she just so boldly really

2:39

exemplifies what it is to really know

2:41

who you are and to

2:43

stand on that. It's like

2:46

aggressive self-acceptance. It's a

2:48

beautiful thing because we live in

2:50

a world that has become so

2:52

willful in its attempt to homogenize.

2:55

You know, there's so many people that are really

2:57

just caught in this cycle

3:00

of making everybody feel like they should

3:02

feel like everybody else. And

3:04

in order to live out loud, you have

3:06

to not only be willing to break from

3:08

that mold, but you also have to give

3:11

space for other people to break from that

3:13

mold. You have to encourage other folks to

3:15

live in their full selves. You have to,

3:17

uncompromisingly, ten-toes-downingly, standing

3:19

on businessly, commit

3:22

to saying, I

3:24

am going to be in my

3:26

truth at all times, no

3:28

matter who's watching, no matter who is

3:30

shading. TS Madison is absolutely

3:32

somebody who has done that and continues to

3:35

do that. She continues to break down barriers.

3:37

She continues to open spaces and she continues

3:39

to ask herself, how can I be better

3:41

at living out loud? So here we are.

3:44

We are giving you another taste, a replay

3:46

of one of my favorite episodes with one

3:48

of my favorite people, Side Effects of Living

3:50

Out Loud with the fabulous

3:53

TS Madison. Hey

3:55

Maddie. Y'all

4:00

already know. Is it on? It's on,

4:02

honey. Is this thing recording? It's recording!

4:04

What's up YouTube land? Twitter land, Instagram,

4:07

Snapchat, Prime of Scruff, BGC Jack, Facebook,

4:09

Periscope, and last but not least, every

4:11

single one of my bitches, Christian bingo.

4:14

The land all across the land. This

4:16

is your girl T.S. Madison, and I

4:18

am coming to you loud, loud, and

4:21

always and forever in color from Small

4:23

Duces Podcasts with

4:25

the Man the Seals. The Ball.

4:27

The Ball. We're here! You

4:30

see it. Girl. Even Jordy wants

4:32

in because they already know. So girl,

4:34

here's the gag, right? So when we first came

4:37

in, my sister told me, because I love Amanda, I

4:39

was Amanda's fan for a long time. And

4:41

you know, the last time I told you,

4:44

I was always a fan of yours, but

4:46

when you gathered Caitlyn, baby, when you gathered

4:48

her like a very thin, tiny ponytail, when

4:50

you pulled her together, I

4:53

was like, see, now this my type

4:55

of girl right here, because she

4:57

needs her cat peel back a time or two,

4:59

you know, a time or two, I need my

5:01

cat peel back. No, sister, really,

5:03

because I'm not perfect. You might need an edge

5:05

snatch, but a cat peel back is exactly.

5:07

I probably need some edge control. That's it.

5:09

Some edge control. That's it. Just a quick

5:11

little, ooh, ooh. I'm not, ooh, okay. That's

5:14

it. All right. And I feel like you're the kind

5:16

of person that does that for yourself anyway. Yes,

5:18

because I don't think that I'm perfect, and I

5:20

don't think I'm above reproach, and there are things

5:22

that I'm still learning. And

5:24

I love the fact that the going title of

5:26

this show is Side Effects. Side

5:29

Effects. Living Out

5:31

Loud. When we were trying to come up with like, what

5:33

do we want to talk to you about? I

5:35

was like, you know what? TS be

5:38

living out loud, which

5:40

is not something that most people

5:42

do. And the

5:44

ones who may think they can do

5:46

sometimes realize in real time, they cut.

5:48

They cut forward and they don't get it.

5:50

And then, you know, it's crazy. When you

5:53

live out loud, you've been a star since

5:55

a kid. And me, I've

5:57

been a star since some other stuff. But

6:02

people don't understand like people will clout

6:04

you. Oh my God. They

6:07

will clout you for friends. They'll

6:09

clout you for relationships. That's

6:12

just clout you for likes. For likes and stuff.

6:14

And like they will do these things. And like

6:16

you could be with a person, you could really

6:19

want to genuinely be in like or in love

6:21

with a person. And they'll be doing that

6:23

shit for the come up. But what always blows my

6:25

mind is that it don't even necessarily be

6:27

for like some big come up. Like I

6:29

will never forget finding out that these two

6:31

chicks were just my friends, my friends,

6:33

because they didn't have to wait in line to get in the

6:35

club. And I found this out

6:37

because they were talking to people that they didn't

6:39

know were my people people.

6:42

And I got a call on the side like, hey, you

6:44

know, someone, someone, someone, someone. And I was like, yeah. And

6:46

they was like, they meant your people. They in here talking

6:48

about they only hang out with you to get in the

6:51

club. For the club. And I was like. Did

6:53

you go over there and beat them up? No, but they

6:55

did not get in the club with me next time. Right.

6:57

I was like, best outside of the

6:59

door. Right. Clamoring, clamoring, clamoring.

7:01

Beat me at the club. Wait, you

7:03

can't. No. You

7:06

can't. It's not going down. It's actually

7:08

up and it's stuck. Sister, but I'm

7:10

telling you, it is so crazy like what people

7:12

do. Like, you know what I'm saying? And like

7:14

the magnitude of the start that you are and

7:16

the magnitude of the start that I see so

7:18

many other people are and the little bit of

7:20

stuff that I get, I just, it's

7:23

hard. And I don't think people understand how

7:25

overwhelming it is. It's a burden. Like

7:27

my, yes. It's a burden. That's the

7:29

word. It's a burden because you can't live any other way

7:32

and be true to yourself. Oh, and

7:34

it's like your circle has to get so tough. You know how I would

7:36

tell you when you're young, you got a bunch of friends when you get

7:38

older that get, the circle has to

7:40

be like, you got to turn around and you got to

7:42

turn around. That's it. That's all the people. That's it.

7:45

And then you got to keep your eye on them. How

7:48

many people you see here working with me? Right. How

7:50

many people you see with me? You see

7:52

my glam and my people.

7:54

That's it. I

7:56

don't genuinely understand how people actually

7:59

do feel. safe with the entourage because

8:01

it feels like the more people that are

8:03

there, like the more problems, the more liability,

8:06

the more liability somebody will run down to the

8:08

tabloids on you. If you left a sock on

8:10

the ground, let me tell you about,

8:12

about, about the bottom of her socks, girl. That's

8:16

a method. Dirty bitch. You're like

8:18

girl, girl, I just, you didn't

8:20

tell the people that I just pulled my

8:22

shoe out and sit on the ground and

8:24

the dirt got us from just being, you

8:26

know, and I'm glad we're talking about this

8:29

because there was something that I didn't get a

8:31

hot water for it, but I got some positive

8:33

feedback and then some negative feedback. Because

8:35

I was talking about, there was a trans woman

8:37

that was on a podcast. I don't really know

8:39

her name and I'm not attacking her, you know,

8:42

you already see you putting on, you don't got to do none

8:44

of that. Like say what you want to say. Well, I

8:46

ain't attacking her and I'm not reading her or

8:48

whatever. I'm just talking in general because there's a

8:50

lot of people to do. And she's talking about

8:53

her sexual encounter she had with Kevin Gates. And

8:56

I've made a post and my post specifically stated

8:58

if you're, you know, not if you're a woman,

9:01

because it's a trans woman, you are a woman,

9:03

but it's just like, why would you try to

9:05

sensationalize your sexual encounter?

9:08

Because when you go to the public as

9:11

a trans person and you start

9:13

saying, Oh, I had sex with this rapper. I had

9:15

sex with this celebrity. I had sex with this. You

9:17

go forth and you start doing stuff like that, and

9:20

then the context of your trans,

9:24

then it becomes about

9:26

your trans hood being the weapon

9:28

in the conversation. That's what the people

9:30

that are on the blogs are going to see. Was it

9:32

framed that way? It sounds like it was framed that way. Like

9:35

it was a document. No, what it was is that she

9:37

was having a conversation. She was like, yeah, girl, I got something,

9:39

you know, Kevin Gates took me out and you know, he

9:43

started eating me out. And then like, he's

9:45

like, yo, wait, you know, what is this?

9:47

She said he acts like based on her

9:49

anatomy. Yeah. Like he was eating her and

9:51

he asked her like, are you trans? And

9:53

then she's like, yeah. And you

9:55

did that. And the social climate that

9:58

we're in right now with the. trans

10:00

community, especially my trans women of

10:02

color. I'm sorry, I don't have

10:04

a problem with I. No, but

10:06

it's like all lives matter and black lives matter. It's

10:08

like, yes, all trans lives matter.

10:11

We must acknowledge that black trans women

10:13

are under attack exponentially in a greater

10:15

way. That's it. You said it,

10:17

shit. And so ma'am,

10:20

the black blogs picked this

10:22

up. The black blogs. And

10:25

they picked it up because she's trans. Right? If

10:27

he hadn't just said the white, they wouldn't have picked

10:29

it up. They probably would have picked it up and then they'd be like,

10:31

oh yeah, that's the white bitch give up. But it's a groupie. Like

10:33

it says, yeah. But now it's your

10:36

trans. And you didn't tell

10:38

him until he started eating your pussy.

10:41

And then you're like, oh yeah. And then you

10:43

say he continued to do it. And

10:46

so it's- So what are people upset about? Well,

10:48

because I said that, how can you call yourself

10:50

a woman? And then you sensationalize, you know, the

10:52

trans party. Like some of the trans people said

10:55

two things. One, I was invalidating her

10:57

being a woman. No, I'm not invalidating that. You

10:59

know, I'm just talking about the sensationalized part of

11:01

it. That's one. And then two, they

11:04

were saying that maybe Madison, how can the

11:06

girls go for it? Like cis women, how can they

11:08

go for it and tell their horror stories and

11:10

nobody scrutinize them? And I'm like,

11:13

you're missing the picture. Then

11:15

they were saying, Madison, you're taking up for the

11:17

DL man. I'm like, no, bro. I

11:19

don't give a fuck about the DL man. I

11:21

don't care about the DL man. I don't care.

11:23

What I'm worried about is it brings

11:25

on more violence. Right. Yeah.

11:28

If no one could see that, I'm like, well,

11:30

what are you? Well, because we're still

11:32

in an untransfriendly world. Right.

11:35

So even though they're right, like the

11:37

girls who are cis gendered can

11:39

say whatever. And by the way, they're

11:42

a tattoo. It's not

11:44

like cisgender women are talking about men. And it's

11:46

like, oh, good job, girl. It's like, why you

11:48

are in your mouth, you a hoe, you a

11:50

fluda, et cetera. So there's that. But it's also

11:53

just a reality that like we are not in

11:55

a trans friendly world. And unfortunately, there's how things

11:57

should be and how things are. Right. And we're

11:59

continuously. bridging and working to build that

12:01

bridge. I don't think

12:03

that move necessarily bridges that. No,

12:05

I don't either. And so me

12:08

as a living out loud trans

12:10

person who is very vocal about

12:12

stuff like that. Well, that's another

12:14

thing too. You're very outwardly like, I

12:16

am trans. That's it. I know I'm not

12:18

female. I don't need a person to tell me

12:20

about biology. I know when I go to

12:23

the bathroom, because I am a

12:25

preoperative transsexual. So I have not

12:27

had the SRS and I don't want it. I was going to

12:29

say it from what I remember you saying, you was like, I'm good.

12:32

I'm 45 years old. If you ain't going to

12:34

hit that ass, you don't need to

12:36

hit my pussy. Shit. You don't need

12:38

to. I mean, the first time I

12:40

met you, we were in an audition and you let

12:42

all of us know. I still got my thing.

12:44

I still got this right. Because I want you

12:47

to know that I'm comfortable. Because you were the

12:49

first outwardly trans person I met. Yeah. We was

12:51

working on the show. We were auditioning for

12:53

a show. Yeah. But now that

12:55

I think that I honestly, I'm sure of

12:57

course that I have met other trans people,

12:59

but they wasn't outwardly saying it.

13:01

And here's the thing, like Beyonce, God,

13:03

I have this, this one of my

13:06

flexes, but whatever. Comfortable in my skin.

13:08

I was comfortable in my skin. I'm

13:10

good. Like what likes me likes me, but don't, don't.

13:13

And I'm all right with that. But

13:16

I'm very nervous about, because I used to walk the

13:18

streets. I used to be into the circular life. I'm

13:21

not in that anymore. God has blessed me to

13:23

use the gift of me to make the living

13:25

that I make. And then when I see this

13:27

going on, there are still disenfranchised girls. There

13:29

are still girls out there that are hustling. They're

13:31

still like, this gets dangerous. A

13:35

man will kill you because of his

13:37

fragile masculine. He will love you, fuck

13:40

on you, suck on you, and he will murder you. And

13:43

then what's the backup? Well, girl,

13:45

they don't be telling them. They

13:48

don't be telling them. And I'm like, bro, a

13:51

lot of us, I would say 80% of

13:53

us tell the men that we're trans, especially

13:55

in this climate now. Because I feel like

13:57

I've always been told, and I want to also say

13:59

like. This conversation is not

14:01

all about this, but since we're here, to

14:04

me, there's still a learning, there's a

14:06

growth process that's happening. And it's

14:08

happening in beautiful ways, right? Because there are conversations

14:10

that just weren't able to have any

14:12

space to be had. But then there's

14:14

also feelings like you can't ask questions because you don't

14:16

want to ask the wrong question and then it be

14:19

misinterpreted. So I want to make sure that I ask

14:22

the right question. Because I feel

14:24

like I've always been told that it

14:26

is actually unacceptable to expect the trans

14:28

person to identify that they are trans

14:30

to a partner before they

14:32

are physically involved. Okay. So

14:35

here, in your opinion, in my opinion, I

14:38

don't think that you should walk around like everybody's not as

14:40

open as me. I get it. And

14:42

I don't think that you should walk around

14:44

with trans on your head. Okay. And

14:46

if you're in a club or at a bar and a man

14:48

is talking to you and you know, he's

14:51

trying to get to know you. I think

14:53

that the time that you should disclose that

14:55

your trans is like before any sex happens,

14:57

because let's say he's talking

14:59

to you and everything is going well and or

15:01

everything is not going well. I should say like,

15:04

let's say something don't go right. Now

15:06

he's, he can use the trans. That's

15:08

the trans. That's the bad word,

15:11

the T word. There's the trainee. That's a

15:13

he, she, that's a man, you know, because

15:15

they do that. Yes. So

15:17

it could go wrong. I just think that

15:20

it's prior to the sexual encounter for me.

15:22

I think that's when, when you get down

15:24

to get real intimate in it, like that's

15:26

when you should really disclose. I

15:28

was going to disclose up front me, me.

15:31

I think for some people, the idea is like,

15:33

this is not my identity.

15:36

So why do I have to lead with

15:38

this? Like this is a part of

15:40

me, but it is not all of me. Right.

15:43

And then there, right. It's like, I understand

15:45

that there's also just kind of

15:47

like for safety reasons, you know? So

15:50

I mean, I get it. I'm in a bit

15:52

of a pickle with that because for

15:55

lack of a better term. Pickle. But

15:59

I think that. if you're trans and

16:01

you're out and you're dating and you meet

16:04

a person, a man, a gentleman, whatever, whoever

16:06

in the world, because they're trans men too,

16:09

and you meet a person out and you know, you're

16:11

getting to know them, I do

16:13

think that early is better than later.

16:17

But I don't think that you should just

16:19

lead in like, hey, y'all, I'm trans, unless

16:22

that's you. Unless that's who you

16:24

are. Because that's who I am. Hey, y'all, I'm

16:26

trans. Yeah. Because I don't need all the other

16:29

stuff. Cause you're going to tell this nigga you're

16:32

not. That's the guy that's for me. I don't

16:34

need to lead you down the road of then,

16:36

then I'm over here. God, he's such a good

16:38

man. He's so, he's so sweet. I want to

16:40

see that real raw because I tell ladies this

16:42

all the time. I get

16:44

to see the unfiltered man, the

16:47

man that they meet later on when a divorce comes.

16:51

I get to meet that man at the door. Well,

16:53

because the other part of it too is that there

16:57

just is a reality that people are deceptive

16:59

in general. Yeah. People do not lead with

17:01

like who they really are.

17:03

Right. And so if you're

17:06

leading with your heart forward, but then you have

17:08

this piece of you that you are keeping

17:10

to yourself, but they're not necessarily leading with

17:12

their heart forward. They're leading with whatever they

17:14

feel like they need to do to fuck

17:16

you. Do you know how many men I wish that

17:19

I could have got a warning for like, this nigga gonna do this.

17:22

He gonna do that. He gonna do this. I would

17:24

have definitely left it at high. McDonald's

17:33

is not new to chicken. So

17:36

maybe stop questioning their chicken cred

17:38

and get your hands on the

17:40

meat crispy. Juicy fried chicken, buttery

17:42

bun, unmatched pickle to chicken ratio.

17:45

Yeah, they know what they do. In

17:47

fact, we can say and

17:56

make them I

18:03

think that there's something to be said for, and

18:06

this is even greater for trans women, there's something

18:08

to be said for like, you get to a

18:10

certain age and you just live out loud in

18:12

general because you are like, I don't want to

18:14

deal with the fake you. I

18:16

want to see how the real you is reacting to the real

18:18

me. And that saves all of us

18:20

time. And so I think that's

18:22

like a whole other level. I can imagine if

18:25

you are a trans person because this is also

18:27

a world that is very much like, Oh, now

18:29

you're that. Oh, now we can't. Now

18:31

we can't fuck with you. But I think

18:33

for safety reasons, you know, I don't think that you should

18:35

walk around with trans on your head, but

18:37

it's up to your discretion because you have to

18:40

deal with the repercussions of whatever happened. Yeah.

18:42

But my thing with that Kevin Gates situation is

18:44

it's like, girl, bro, whatever,

18:48

ma'am, girl, this

18:51

is a place in a black

18:53

blog. We are already in a

18:55

bad space in the black. There

18:57

is a huge divide and

19:00

it's really like deep,

19:02

deep, deep divide. It's

19:04

deep and wide trust. And

19:08

that doesn't help. No. And

19:11

she's not going to be dealt with

19:13

by the black blog. No. Cause

19:15

if it was a black trans woman, Oh, they,

19:17

Oh God, they'd have been, they would

19:19

kill you. You

19:22

kill your team. Which house? Yes. Get

19:25

your pitch for it. Get your pitch for it. Burn it

19:28

down. Kevin Gates does a man. You, you, you deceive him.

19:31

All of y'all do is

19:33

deceive and that's what you all do. And

19:38

it's like, lady, you sat here and you,

19:40

I was so, I'm going

19:43

to be honest. I was so mad when I was sitting

19:45

and watching it. Cause I was like, bitch, do you not

19:47

see what's going on in the fucking world? Like

19:49

right now? Like these people

19:51

are making laws to terrorize us. Do

19:54

you not see what the fuck is going on in this type of

19:56

shit? Like the black vote matters. Say

20:00

it again. The black vote matters. All

20:02

the black votes. All of them. And

20:05

so a black person

20:07

seeing a person in Congress

20:09

or Senate, whatever, running, and

20:11

their campaign slogan is, "'Kill

20:13

the trans, burn the

20:15

fag," whatever it is. And

20:18

they see that at the top of the bill,

20:20

but they don't see all the little writing. The

20:22

fine print. The fine print that also affects them. Right.

20:26

Well, you're gonna press that vote for, I'm gonna

20:28

vote you in because that person is running on

20:30

some stuff. They got my back

20:32

because I don't like them trans either. And

20:35

you just voted both of us away. Yes. And

20:38

that's my whole campaign. Like,

20:41

girl, this stuff be at

20:43

the top. You don't see that this shit

20:45

is at the top. But you are included

20:47

in the bottom. Yes. Hey.

20:50

But I think that is part of

20:52

why you are so needed as someone who

20:54

lives out loud because you'll say the things,

20:57

right? You'll say the thing. Like, even though

20:59

there are people that came at you for

21:01

this that disagreed with you, I

21:03

think ultimately your point of view

21:05

is holistic and it is not

21:07

simply just dogging her, but it's

21:09

considering how everybody factors in to

21:11

the big picture of this. Yes.

21:14

All the trans, all

21:16

the black people, like, bro, it's

21:18

crazy. Do you not see what's

21:20

going on? Have you not woke up and saw the news

21:23

or was you just getting your pussy ate by Kevin

21:25

Gates? So

21:27

to pivot. You see. Ha ha ha ha.

21:33

Okay. Were you always

21:35

someone who was like this?

21:37

Like, were you always an

21:39

exuberant, like, big

21:41

mouth, big voice person? Yeah,

21:44

I was. I used to get a lot of whoopings because

21:46

I said everything I felt. I would

21:48

get a whoopin' all the time. You can't say that. What?

21:52

I would always get whoopin' because I just said it. Because

21:55

I felt it. And I'm a person that always

21:57

went back and checked myself. Sometimes I,

21:59

ooh, shit. Maybe I said

22:01

too much. Maybe I said too much. Or maybe I said

22:03

it the wrong way. Right, right, right, right. Like it was

22:05

the truth. But it didn't have to cut like that. It

22:08

didn't have to do that. I didn't have to do that.

22:10

So y'all forgive me for that shit. I'm sorry.

22:12

But I meant what I fucking said. That's that.

22:15

Because you're like that. Yeah. Like

22:17

I meant it. I could have said it with a

22:19

bit more honey. Girl, actually you are deaf.

22:21

That's why I love you because you're that way. Like

22:24

you eat. But you, I understand

22:26

where you're eating from. I

22:29

get where you're coming from. Like you might go in harsh.

22:31

You might go in with a pitchfork. You didn't like

22:33

me to stab on that deep, but you want to just

22:35

get their attention. Like, bro, do you not see why I'm

22:37

stabbing you because this house is on fire. I need

22:39

you to come put the fire out. Yes. Not

22:42

add to it. You get me. I do.

22:44

That's why I love you too. I love you. I

22:47

always have. I always have. Girl, I'm telling you

22:49

when you gathered that fucking Caitlyn

22:51

Jenner, who I, or every moment,

22:54

feels needs to be gathered up. You

22:57

know, cause she is like, well, I

22:59

think she's an op and I don't mean,

23:01

and I don't mean pre-op or post-op. I don't even,

23:03

she's a fucking op. I think she's an op and

23:06

I think ultimately a plant. Yes.

23:09

I think she was put in place to

23:11

undermine the work that so many of

23:13

y'all have been doing. And it's like

23:16

the black folks, she's, she's the transversing of

23:18

a coon. She's a trune. Yeah.

23:21

She's a Candace Owen. She's a trune. I don't know

23:23

who that is. I don't know her. I don't

23:25

know her. But Caitlyn Jenner,

23:27

she is a trune. I

23:31

don't know her. I

23:33

don't. But sister, do you see what

23:35

I'm saying? So you get what I feel the way

23:37

I feel. Like, bro, why are you,

23:40

ma'am? That is,

23:42

people at this point, the internet has made it so

23:45

that everyone really feels like they're just talking to themselves.

23:47

I feel a lot of times. And I can tell

23:49

you, like, as someone who lives out loud, it took

23:51

some time for me to realize that I'm talking into

23:53

my phone and I'm in my house by myself and

23:55

I'm, but people who are

23:58

receiving this. their house

24:01

and they're just receiving me talking solely to

24:03

them. And so it created this persona for

24:05

me that I didn't even intend to because

24:07

they were like, Amanda's always angry. Amanda's always

24:09

yelling. I mean, because when I'm upset about

24:11

something, I'm just talking to my phone. And

24:13

then they think I'm talking to them. And

24:15

so literally when I got to the real,

24:17

it became this whole thing. Like, oh, Amanda's

24:19

confrontation. I was like, when y'all see me

24:22

confrontation with somebody cause they saw you

24:24

just expressing how you feel. And

24:26

I'm like, I'm not talking to her. I'm talking

24:28

to, I'm just, I'm just opening up my phone. Just

24:31

the same day way with me. Like I would

24:33

open up my whole career is built off of

24:36

me opening up my phone, just expressing the way

24:38

I feel. Yes. You receive from the

24:40

antenna. Like these are antennas. And

24:43

here you go. And like, I'm not

24:46

talking to one person in particular. I'm like, you know,

24:48

Oh, you just vent

24:50

into your own. Yes. Cause you,

24:52

it's in you and you

24:55

just gotta let it out. And you not

24:57

really mad at nobody. You just like, you know

24:59

what? It's passion. It's some,

25:01

so sick of this shit that's going

25:03

on. Like you're not mad. You

25:06

just, you care. Yeah. You care.

25:08

It's caring. It's love. It's

25:11

represented in this way. And also like at a certain point

25:13

you start to learn that like anger presents

25:15

in a number of different ways. And when it's

25:17

like that is fear. Cause you're

25:19

like, this is really where we are. And

25:23

that shit makes me so mad. And I get so mad

25:25

at stuff like this outside of train stuff. Like

25:27

I get mad at stuff like, like black

25:29

people. What do we,

25:32

you know, I love us, but

25:35

I wish we loved. Fuck.

25:42

Yes. No, I really,

25:44

I wish we loved us. Yeah, man. When

25:47

we talk about, you know, reparations, like, I

25:49

feel like there's so many people who would

25:51

get in the way of reparations because they're

25:53

like, you don't deserve reparations, you don't deserve

25:55

reparations. And I'm like, why

25:58

is what? So my. My

26:00

comment to that is I always

26:02

feel that certain black people don't want

26:04

rights. They want privilege. They

26:07

want to move the white man over to do exactly what

26:09

the white man has been doing. They want to have the

26:11

authority to do that. I watch

26:14

it with television programming. Name

26:16

an example. Well, there's

26:18

lots of television programming out right now. And

26:22

I love that a lot of things are black owned

26:24

and black operated, but also we have to

26:26

deprogram black people from... I

26:29

don't want... When I tell y'all

26:31

what you know... Because

26:33

I know what you're talking

26:35

about. We have to deprogram

26:37

black people from liking... Bitch,

26:39

don't... I don't want a bitch. Okay,

26:42

it's good that everybody makes a million fucking dollars.

26:44

They don't actually make a million fucking dollars. There's

26:47

that part. They don't. The

26:49

come up is not zero to 100 real quick.

26:52

It's just that they're quantifying

26:55

fame as collateral.

26:58

And it's not. You see me doing the... You see

27:00

me doing the Sophia Rott. Oh, Sophia Rott. I

27:02

sat in that jail. I'm about damn near Rott. You

27:08

see me, but sister, you also hear me

27:10

and you feel me. I do feel you because that's

27:12

the real... You gotta

27:14

unprogram. Our souls are sold

27:16

for cheap swap meet

27:19

prices. I'm not going to

27:21

be... I'm sorry. Maybe I won't be on

27:23

television all the time. I'm not busting you in the head with

27:25

no butt on TV. My nigga,

27:27

I did not work for

27:30

three years because it

27:33

had got so poppin'. All of the

27:35

reality TV was the only thing. And

27:38

these agents was like, if you're

27:40

not willing to act crazy or

27:42

be hypersexual, you can't work. Like

27:46

that was what I was told. Like you're not going to

27:48

work. And I was like, but I'm a poet. Don't

27:51

nobody want no poetry. Shit, take

27:53

that crap and we're still in it. I

27:56

mean, I told Mona Scott to her face. You're a villain. I

27:59

told her to her face. You're a villain. What about

28:01

Zeus Network? I don't even know about Zeus Network.

28:03

What's happening at Zeus Network? I mean, the Cray-Sean and the-

28:05

Christian and the Blueface? Yeah. Yeah.

28:08

The crew face. I mean,

28:11

listen, I respect

28:13

and I give them

28:15

their props for

28:17

being black-owned, black-operated. And I

28:19

watched the interview with the CEOs and

28:22

Lemmy, okay. I

28:25

watched the interview with him. He did on Fox

28:27

Soul, you know, and he was saying that he

28:29

has created content that black people don't pay attention

28:31

to. Like he said, they don't like, and I'm

28:33

like, well, you got to force it. So

28:36

that's the part. I really feel like it's a cop out

28:38

when we say like, this is the content that black people

28:40

don't. So for, I'm an example,

28:42

right? Like I'm not going to make

28:44

that, but as an independent

28:47

creator, I also have to support

28:49

myself through my creativity. So we

28:51

have to sometimes tweak and hone

28:54

and move things around to find

28:56

the way that we can most

28:58

authentically connect with our audience without

29:01

insulting our audience, right? And

29:03

that isn't necessarily the easiest thing to do, but

29:06

it just requires some effort. And I feel like

29:08

that's what really boils down to like, folks don't

29:10

want to spend the money to figure that out.

29:13

They'd rather just say, you know what, let's just

29:15

give them the Hennessy. Let's just give them the

29:17

Hennessy. Yeah, it's boring. It's boring. And now it

29:19

was just like set cameras up. Right.

29:21

That's easier. And they will tell

29:23

themselves, well, that's what they want. We're just giving them what they want.

29:25

Well, that's the same argument that drug dealers make, right? I

29:28

mean, they going to do it from somebody else. They going

29:30

to smoke it from somebody else. Well, if none of y'all

29:32

was here, they wouldn't because they wouldn't

29:34

even have the option. Right.

29:36

So again, I personally

29:39

feel like certain black people, they don't

29:41

want rights. They want privilege

29:43

because if you can sit in that seat and

29:45

you can be the puppeteer, that's great. You

29:47

don't want to be puppeted. But as long as you're

29:49

the puppeteer and then you get in those places and you're

29:52

like, you know what, we don't want any of that trans

29:54

stuff over there. We don't want any of that

29:56

gay stuff. We don't need to learn about any of that. We

29:59

don't need any of that. They don't fuck their history too.

30:02

Well, that was weird when to Satan down

30:04

in Florida was like, okay,

30:06

I'm going to put a kibosh on

30:08

this African-American history AP court. And then

30:11

word got out that there was a

30:13

line item that just said, you know,

30:15

GBT queer studies

30:17

within the African-American

30:19

historical experience. That was

30:22

enough for so many black people to be like,

30:24

Oh, well then he, he got to cut it

30:26

out. He you're right. He was right. We

30:29

can't have the black gays. I'm like, without

30:31

the black gay. Speak

30:33

on it. Hi, y'all are shot. Tired out. I will see. We

30:36

wouldn't have had the March on Washington. We wouldn't

30:38

have had Langston Hughes. We wouldn't have orgy Lord.

30:40

We wouldn't have a lot of the hip hop

30:42

because a lot of these rappers is gay too.

30:44

Oh, we wouldn't have fashion.

30:48

Okay. We wouldn't have a lot of

30:50

the AAVE that we are all utilizing.

30:52

So I think it's an exercise in

30:54

cognitive dissonance to think that you could

30:56

just simply excise an entire

30:59

part of our community and

31:02

say they don't deserve to

31:05

be spoken about when you

31:07

are studying a cumulative history

31:09

and analysis of the African-American

31:12

contribution to this nation, you

31:14

can't do it. And it leads

31:16

right back to me saying that.

31:19

I, at the top of the bill, that's

31:21

anti see how it rolled right back.

31:24

Yes. Right. At the top of the

31:26

bill. So y'all was willing to cut off your nose,

31:28

despite your faces and say, you

31:30

know what? If they was going to talk about the

31:32

gay folks in the class and they don't need the

31:34

class altogether. So you just, okay. So if I get

31:36

this straight, you'd

31:38

rather than not talk about you or you or us or

31:41

them at all,

31:43

if they was going to talk about this group.

31:46

What? And it goes back to you

31:48

saying to us saying black

31:51

folks, I wish we loved us.

31:56

Us because we are so off.

32:00

than the most offended

32:02

at people who live out loud. McDonald's

32:10

is not new to chicken. So

32:13

maybe stop questioning their chicken cred

32:16

and get your hands on the

32:18

McKrispy. Juicy frog chicken, buttery butter,

32:20

unmatched pickle to chicken ratio. Yeah,

32:23

they know what they know. In fact,

32:25

we can honestly say they're not new

32:27

to chicken. True to chicken. Me?

32:30

McKrispy? Oh. And

32:33

McDonald's. Bye-bye, bye-bye. I

32:41

was watching the Tennessee Statehouse. Of course, Tennessee

32:43

has made it their mission to

32:45

undermine the existence and make it incredibly

32:47

difficult to live as a trans person,

32:49

as a drag queen, et cetera, within

32:51

the state of Tennessee. And

32:53

Mississippi. And Mississippi. And

32:56

Texas. I mean, we can go there. And

32:58

Arkansas. So there's these two congressmen in

33:00

Tennessee's state of representatives, and

33:02

they are not for

33:05

play. Okay? And they're like, listen,

33:07

we not gonna let this go down.

33:09

Like we're fighting. Like this is the

33:11

way it needs to happen. We're gonna

33:13

not like be quiet about this. We're

33:15

gonna keep our voices raised, et cetera.

33:18

And what ends up happening is that

33:21

you have two black elders

33:23

in the house who tell them,

33:25

you need to have some decorum.

33:28

Y'all need to be quiet. Y'all are doing

33:30

too much. And I'm like,

33:32

what are we gonna actually acknowledge

33:34

like the world that we're actually living in? What

33:38

is the version of Tennessee that y'all

33:41

are in where black people need to be

33:43

quiet? We need to

33:45

be as loud as possible. And

33:48

I think when I hear people say things

33:50

like, you know, we

33:53

be loud for everybody else, don't

33:55

be loud for us. That's

33:58

a hard one for me. I don't think that we're loud for everybody. everybody

34:00

else. I think Black people in

34:02

general, particularly in America, have a

34:05

special connection to

34:07

injustice and we just don't

34:09

fucks with it. And so

34:12

we're loud about it. But when I look

34:14

at you, how do you feel

34:16

like being this person

34:18

that you are, how do

34:20

you feel like that has hindered you?

34:23

How do you feel that has helped you? Well,

34:26

one, the louder you are, the more of

34:28

a target. Like you are a target and

34:31

you get targeted for

34:33

things like everything that I say. Sometimes

34:36

I'm just expressing myself on my

34:38

page. Yes. Right.

34:40

In your space. In my space

34:42

and they'll take my stuff and

34:44

then they'll stay sensationalized. The

34:47

Shade Room does that to me a lot. I

34:49

had to ask the Shade Room to stop posting me. I

34:52

mean, I say ask, but it was a demand. They

34:55

do that to me a lot. And it's like, you

34:58

know, the audience that you have and

35:00

you know, if I say something like this,

35:04

what it's going to incite and you

35:06

know that my words are very much,

35:08

you know, I'm for my people. I'm

35:10

for my Black people. I'm for my

35:12

trans people. I'm for my people. And

35:15

you know that this stuff is sensitive.

35:17

You don't post anything, any movie I'm

35:20

in, any show, any

35:23

play, any, you don't post

35:25

any of that. So you have these

35:27

people thinking that I'm looking

35:29

for clout. Yes. Like you,

35:31

like this is all you've invested your time in

35:33

is waiting for you to say something that Shade Room

35:35

will pick up. Right. When you

35:37

don't post any of the things that I'm

35:40

actually doing in the world. There are

35:42

people that think I am an Instagram

35:45

video maker girl. When

35:47

by the way, I don't make money

35:50

from Instagram. Like you don't see me with

35:52

ads on Instagram, but that's because like spaces

35:55

like that, like they will diminish you into

35:57

this little box and not. acknowledge

36:00

the great things that you're doing, the ways

36:02

that you're contributing to culture, or the ways

36:04

that you're contributing to society. And I feel

36:07

like that's such a disservice to their viewership

36:09

too. Yes, it is. Again,

36:11

it's privilege. Not

36:14

right, it's privilege. How could you own

36:16

a black space that commands a black

36:18

audience and then you don't uplift the

36:20

black the way it should be uplifted?

36:22

Now, if you paid them... Oh, hey!

36:26

Right. Because there's definitely been folks on there that

36:28

I'm like, who the fuck is you?

36:30

Because I done Googled

36:32

and it's like, who the fuck is Lil Potato

36:34

Chip? Who's that? They talking!

36:38

Who, who at? What's song Lil Potato Chip? But

36:41

Lil Potato Chip is on my timeline every

36:43

day. Just a crotchet. Lil

36:47

Potato Chip got a new song that is called Lazy Down. With

36:53

a B-side, no ripples. Lazy down.

36:55

No ripples. No

36:57

ripples. I

37:03

feel like even though there may be

37:05

a hindrance for you, particularly in living

37:07

out loud, you have

37:09

been successful in like... Maneuvering

37:12

through spaces and reaching those that want

37:14

to hear. I wasn't even gonna say that.

37:17

But sister, here's the thing. If you can get one

37:19

person, it's like a virus.

37:22

If I can reach and change, not change, because I'm not

37:24

trying to change, I'm just trying to give you the open.

37:27

But by the way, speaking of virus, you can also listen

37:29

to the first time that TS Madison was on small doses

37:31

and with side effects of COVID-19. Ooh, baby.

37:34

Because we was in the house. We

37:37

outside, that bitch. We outside! We

37:40

outside! No, but what I was

37:42

gonna tell you though, you have a gift of alchemy. Because

37:45

you can turn... Wait, she said I'm a witch?

37:49

If you want to take it that way. No. Don't

37:51

let my mom see that, because she's probably thinking I'm over here doing... Well,

37:57

you have the gift of being able to turn things into

37:59

what you need. them to be. You

38:01

know, I feel like that's something that you learn

38:03

how to do when you live out loud or

38:05

else you are just like beat down, beat down,

38:08

beat down. So you have to think like, how

38:10

do I take this and actually turn it into

38:12

something positive? They're trying to twist it. They're trying

38:14

to darken and tarnish, but how do I use

38:16

this as an opportunity for me to educate? How

38:18

do I use this as an opportunity for me

38:20

to, you know, kind of inspire some different types

38:23

of thoughts? Because to your point, you don't need

38:25

a million people. You just

38:27

need quality and that disperses.

38:29

Because one thing that will happen, you

38:33

see your influence. Girl, I see

38:35

your influence. You

38:38

don't think I see you talking to the other things sprout up.

38:41

And I'm like, now you know, that girl was over

38:43

there whooping ass about this and now y'all over here

38:45

doing it. Kind of like the way they do us

38:47

black folks on TikTok. Right.

38:49

Yeah. Like, bitch,

38:52

you don't, you know

38:54

how to do it.

38:56

That's JLo job. And

38:58

now y'all know, y'all

39:00

right. Y'all was like the part of Rick. Rick

39:04

and I hear Rick for the Rick and so

39:06

much. It's only a few people tag me, but

39:08

I'm like, you motherfuckers don't know that that's my

39:10

voice all up and through there. Listen, I

39:12

started seeing people say, okay, polka dots. I

39:14

started seeing people say, oh, you know, black

39:16

women know how to give compliments. We just

39:18

look at you and say what we see

39:21

on you. I said, that sounds so familiar.

39:24

And listen, I'm not

39:26

saying that that isn't something that any

39:28

of us haven't noticed, of course, but

39:30

I stood on a stage and I

39:32

turned it into content and I turned

39:34

it into a craft and delivered it.

39:37

So then when you come after and do that, well,

39:41

it looks like it's still my passion. I see

39:45

you on the ring. This is plagiarism, you

39:47

know, but here's the thing. That's part

39:49

of the living out loud. That's the part of living out loud.

39:51

Things will be taken from you and you won't

39:53

get the credit for it. It'll be taken from

39:55

you. Do you get flattered when you see that

39:57

though? Do you turn it into flattery? I'm learning.

40:00

to do that. I'm learning to do

40:02

that. We are in process. Yeah. Me

40:04

too. I'm learning. I'm learning because at first I was

40:06

like, you motherfucker. What my Lord, did we pray my

40:10

life? How dare you? Did you pray my...

40:12

And then when they finally... I'm not

40:14

going to read, but I'm just going to say something.

40:17

You know, I'm out here because of the

40:19

GLAAD Awards. Okay. And

40:22

the movie that I'm in, bros, won a

40:24

GLAAD Media Award. Oh, okay. Yeah. And Billie

40:27

Eichner. No. Yeah, Billie Eichner. Yeah. Yeah. And

40:30

so I'm a presenter this year. Fab.

40:32

Yeah. GLAAD has been going on for 34

40:34

years. This is

40:36

my first time. And are

40:39

you supposed to be proud of that?

40:41

Because that's what folks like to do. They

40:43

like to be like, wow.

40:47

My first time. When I did my special on

40:49

HBO, I was only the second black woman to

40:51

have a standup comedy special in 10 years. And

40:53

people were like, oh, I was like, this is

40:56

not... You know what you got to say? Why? Why?

41:00

This is not prideful. It's shameful.

41:03

Here's the thing too. I'm also the

41:05

first black transgender woman to ever executive

41:07

producing star in her own reality television

41:09

series. I was happy about that, but

41:11

I also was like, why? Yeah.

41:15

At this point, when you break a barrier from

41:17

a place of just blackness,

41:21

it's like you feel good,

41:23

but then you really are like, why?

41:26

And people will tell you like, why do y'all

41:28

need more? Why aren't you just happy with what

41:30

y'all got? And it's like, because if there's still

41:32

barriers needed to be broken down, then we don't

41:34

have enough. Right.

41:37

There's that. It's not like the barrier is

41:39

being broken by a flood either. It's

41:41

you pushing, pushing. And then here's

41:43

another thing. You know what happens when you

41:45

get to be the first? Oh,

41:47

I ain't supporting that shit because they don't look like me. I

41:51

ain't. No, I'm nobody. This stuff is boring.

41:53

This is tired. I ain't fucking with that

41:56

from your own people. Because of the haters.

41:58

They're just being haters. because you

42:00

know and what that

42:03

that that answers your question why because

42:07

when the support supposed to come from

42:10

where they expect it to come from it don't and

42:14

once they see stuff

42:17

like that they make

42:19

it difficult for others

42:21

to come because they they rested

42:24

on the back of one yep

42:27

and that's what our people have not

42:29

grasped yet the reason why we don't

42:31

see an influx of because when the

42:33

one happens you turn your back on

42:36

it I

42:38

was on this now I'm glad I'm here to address this

42:42

I was on the red carpet at GLAAD okay

42:44

whoever this black person is that access

42:47

Hollywood I think they were like black

42:49

kind of stout all whatever

42:51

oh I just I was just talking about his

42:54

face ass the other day hold

42:56

on camp Kevin I don't

42:58

know his name I didn't I never know I'm having for

43:01

you in 2.2 hold on you show

43:03

me a picture yep it's

43:05

a black man at access Hollywood let me

43:07

just put black access Hollywood black man black

43:10

host there it is access Hollywood

43:12

I hope we ain't talking about the same one

43:14

I hope Scott please don't let it be was

43:16

he good to you no it was

43:20

very much so you know how you walk the carpet

43:22

of due press yes you know they do these things

43:26

oh they do us something else Wow until

43:28

the white girl comes up like oh

43:30

my god I was

43:33

like and I looked over there and and

43:35

other people in the press is like wow you

43:38

know who I who I started doing press with

43:40

going down the line it was very much so

43:42

like I didn't exist now what

43:44

do you think that was attributed to how

43:47

much of that do you think is like him being

43:49

transphobic no I think it's just like people

43:51

just like oh I don't I don't a lot

43:53

of people don't like the way that you rose

43:55

to your stardom Kevin Frazier let me see him

43:58

I don't know is it may not be him It may

44:00

not. I don't know. Okay. Because he had done

44:02

an interview with, um, when

44:04

that Sharon Osborn situation happened at the top

44:07

and she was showing her whole racist

44:09

ad, he did this like very

44:11

softball interview with her where he made her feel

44:13

safe and then tagged me in it.

44:15

And we had to have an aside and I've

44:18

skated. Why do black men make white women feel

44:20

safe? I like to think that it

44:22

must be in the DNA because I know a lot

44:24

of black men that don't, but I know that it

44:26

is a very common occurrence that they're like, a

44:29

cape is pulled out

44:32

from nowhere. I got

44:35

to save Miss Seeley. No, not Miss Seeley,

44:37

Miss Sally. I got to save Miss Sally.

44:40

So, okay, Kevin, you're off the hook this time. I don't

44:42

gotta come for you. I don't know if it's here,

44:44

but he turned his back and acted as if you

44:46

do. And my glam person looked at, we looked at

44:48

each other. You know, there's those, you know, those talks

44:50

and we looked at you like, girl, you see that.

44:54

And I'm not going to tell you a bit

44:56

of lie. That stuff hurts

44:58

when it comes from your people.

45:01

You news media people that are black, you

45:04

news media people that are LGBTQ,

45:07

whatever, how many of the fucking letters is in

45:09

that shit. You motherfuckers, that

45:11

stuff hurts because it's not many of

45:14

us walking down that carpet. And

45:16

how dare you take

45:21

that moment to,

45:24

to diminish me. Yeah. And I

45:26

slide right over here and white

45:28

folks, they, yes, I love you. You know, and

45:30

I'm like, bro, this is, bro,

45:33

this is crazy. I hear

45:36

you. I commend you

45:38

though, because, well, one, your vocal

45:40

about your hurt. And I think that's a

45:42

testament to you living out loud, right?

45:45

Like there is nothing arrogant

45:47

about this. I'm not hurting that

45:49

you didn't interview. I'm hurting that you're black and you

45:51

did that. It's not about me being

45:53

on access. I love cause I don't give a

45:55

fuck because somebody from X one of them white

45:57

bitches from access Hollywood will hit me and communicate

45:59

with me. So I don't, it's just, it's you.

46:01

It's you. It's you. You're

46:03

black and you do, and I think

46:05

he's gay. Listen. He's gay. When I

46:08

got kicked out of the black Emmys party, like if I

46:10

had got kicked out of any other Emmys party, I would

46:12

have been like, I can't believe these black people kicked me

46:14

out of this party. When I

46:16

got kicked out of the black

46:18

Emmys party by a black woman

46:20

for the sole reason of I

46:22

don't like you, even though I've

46:24

not done anything to you, that hurt

46:26

me internally. So you feel me.

46:30

I'm like, I'm a thousand percent. Like that hurt me

46:32

in a way that I was not prepared for.

46:34

Yeah. Because then it feels like,

46:36

well, this was supposed to

46:38

be home and getting kicked out of your

46:41

house is very different than getting

46:43

kicked out of someone else's house. And

46:45

it's like, I walked out and that was the start

46:47

of the press. And so what

46:49

did you do from that point forward? Like, did you

46:51

gather yourself? I had to, it took me a second.

46:54

But when I got to the black media, to the rest of

46:57

the black media that was down, because you know, they, it starts.

46:59

Yep. Yep. And the

47:01

black media was down this way. You know how I go. I know how

47:03

it goes for y'all who don't know how it goes. Right. So

47:06

in the black media down this way and the other

47:08

black media embrace was like, yes, I love that. And

47:10

I had to share with them. I had to thank them.

47:13

I thank them and I gave them the longer

47:16

interviews. There you go. I

47:18

gave them the longer interviews. I thank them

47:20

for their existence for, you know, doing

47:22

this because you don't know that that

47:24

shit. And I talked about him down there.

47:27

I said, whoever that motherfucking nigga. So whenever

47:30

y'all see the president, they may have to

47:32

believe, but whoever that fat gay nigga down

47:34

there and access Hollywood, Hollywood, whatever

47:36

the fuck one of them Hollywood, one of

47:38

them white folks, shit, whoever one of them

47:41

niggas is down there, you tell that nigga

47:43

that I whoop his ass outside. Cause

47:45

I know y'all know that motherfucker down there.

47:48

And I didn't want to act black on

47:50

these people. Copy. 34 years. This

47:53

is my first time here. I didn't want to, I didn't want to be, I didn't want to,

47:55

you know what, though, don't even say I didn't want to act

47:57

black on these people carpet. Because the way they act is

47:59

so. Okay, well let me retread. I

48:01

didn't wanna nigga rise your ass over

48:03

here. I ain't wanna tap

48:06

on your door like, put your asshole, what

48:08

is you giving, bitch? I didn't

48:10

wanna do that and then the folks be over there like,

48:12

oh God. Here

48:14

they go. We

48:16

knew it. Bitch, you started this shit. They

48:19

just let your uncle Tom ass in at the

48:22

door, hoe. The fuck? Hoe,

48:26

bitch? I

48:28

was angry and it was not because I wanted to

48:30

be on, it was like, no, it's not an ego thing.

48:33

I don't want y'all out there that's watching this and be like,

48:35

oh girl, they didn't give her no, cause if she gonna be,

48:37

no, that ain't because of that. No. It's

48:39

cause 34 years, you know, cause I

48:41

know a lot of color folks watch

48:44

this program cause she

48:46

reaches a lot of color folks. Just

48:48

so y'all color folks can understand, right?

48:50

Okay. LBGTQIA,

48:55

it includes us, but at the end. People

49:01

don't understand this. I

49:03

don't know why people don't understand this cause that's always

49:05

where we are. At the end. You

49:07

just see how, even at the glad

49:09

press, you just see how I say the

49:11

press, it was this nigga right here and then I met

49:13

white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white,

49:16

God, that's black out there. And

49:18

billboard was around the corner, who I love. I'm

49:21

surprised they had billboard around the corner. Billboard was around there,

49:24

but it was at the other part of the car. Oh

49:26

God, I love that interview. I did with billboard. I loved

49:28

it, but it was black. Okay. Celebrated me,

49:30

whatever. But billboard was way bigger than that shit

49:32

at the beginning. They should have had that at

49:34

the beginning. But sister, I was

49:36

hurt because I'm like, bro, you,

49:38

you mean to tell me, just

49:40

cause they done gave you a piece of fried chicken.

49:45

You think you tough? You think you special? Cause

49:49

they don't move you from all the way down

49:51

here. Cause they don't move you. But even in

49:53

that, I'm really like, what does that have

49:55

to do with you? Sometimes a lot of my own ill friends,

49:58

I'm like, I'm not gonna do this. LGBTQ

50:00

people, they don't like how I rose to

50:02

being a star. Cause whether you

50:04

like it or not, I'm a star. You, that is,

50:06

that is a question. Whether you like it or not,

50:09

I'm a motherfucking star. And a lot of you hoes

50:11

that be down there talking about who is this, who

50:13

does y'all know? The question is, who is you? Cause

50:16

bitch, I'm out here doing things in the world, not

50:18

to say that, that, because I'm doing things in the

50:20

world and I'm better than these perfect, but like, you're

50:22

not going to diminish my presence as being a star.

50:24

They love it. Like, well girl, dude, these social media,

50:27

these delist, okay. Well, which, which list celebrity is you?

50:29

But what is their issue with how, like,

50:31

well, the issue be it's because I'm

50:34

like, loud, black trans

50:36

woman who say what the

50:38

fuck. And also because I've done adult films

50:41

and things loudly and I'm loud about the things

50:43

that I have done, like, cause I'm not going

50:45

to let you hold that over, hold a skeleton

50:47

over me and be like, well girl, you know,

50:49

since you out there doing movies for NBC universal,

50:51

do they know you doing this? No,

50:54

they don't got to do it. Yeah, they know. Cause I told them, listen,

50:58

people have a problem with the way you rise because

51:00

they don't want to get up. Top

51:03

four people have a problem with the way you

51:05

rise because they don't want to get up or

51:08

they don't know how to get up. I

51:11

got up by being my motherfucking self. Same.

51:15

That's it. You've built an

51:17

entire multimedia empire at

51:19

this point, right? You are doing

51:21

a number of different things based

51:24

on your point of view. That

51:26

is what living out loud has been for you.

51:28

I think it's more than just living out loud

51:30

in your sexuality, living out loud in your gender.

51:32

It's just living out loud as yourself as myself,

51:35

as myself, unapologetic. I don't give a damn if

51:37

you don't like, cause I did adult fields bitch.

51:39

I had to eat and don't

51:41

be mad at me, be mad at the system.

51:43

Cause I wanted to get up and go to

51:45

work every day, right? But bitch, I couldn't go. I'm

51:47

45. So you know, 30

51:50

years ago, 20 years ago, 25 years

51:52

ago, they want, it

51:54

was worse than it is now. No,

51:56

don't come in here with that. Now you can't come here

51:58

like this. You're going to feel. everybody else around you.

52:01

Bitch I won't give a damn about the people,

52:03

let me get my job. McDonald's

52:14

is not new to chicken. So

52:16

maybe stop questioning their chicken cred

52:19

and get your hands on the

52:21

McKrispy. Juicy fried chicken, buttery bun,

52:23

unmatched pickle to chicken ratio. Get

52:26

it? In fact, we

52:28

can only say that I'm the chicken,

52:31

that you're the chicken. Me?

52:33

McKrispy. Oh,

52:36

you hear me? So

52:44

where are you right now in your

52:46

self-love journey? I

52:51

love me because I'm

52:54

going to share something

52:56

very personal with you. I

52:59

had got into a relationship

53:03

with a person that

53:06

turned out to be a narcissist and I didn't know

53:08

what a narcissist is until I

53:11

ran across and I don't know how the spirit

53:13

made me run across the video. And I was

53:15

like, Oh my God, I was checking down the

53:17

list. And

53:20

then I, cause I was doubting myself, I was going through

53:22

like that. But damn, you

53:24

trying to have all these people, these bitches ain't

53:26

even on my level. That's

53:29

your questioning. It was a lot

53:32

of like emotionally not there. And it

53:34

was like, well, where was this person that I

53:36

met? Yeah. Where was

53:38

this person? Where was this

53:40

person? I'm looking at it. Like

53:42

when it broke it down, like

53:45

this person never existed. And

53:48

so I had asked myself, like, why did

53:50

that happen to me at a place in my life?

53:53

Even, Oh God, I'm going to give you the tea.

53:55

Give me the tea. Even

53:58

when the Beyonce stuff came out. Like that was

54:00

supposed to be a happy, happy, happy, high moment for

54:02

me. I was dealing with that shit. Isn't that what

54:04

they do? They somehow managed

54:07

to suck the

54:10

joy out of the

54:12

spaces that you have created for yourself. I

54:15

was dealing with that shit when the

54:17

movie bros was coming out and I was doing all

54:19

my press run and press stuff. I

54:21

was dealing with that shit. And so how did you deal

54:23

with it? Because

54:25

that's not, no, it's not

54:28

easy. Like people think like, Oh,

54:30

well you out here smiling. So everything is all

54:32

good. It's like, well, that's just, that's the job.

54:34

Just the job. It wasn't it was you go

54:36

to your hotel room and you sit on your, and

54:39

yourself you're like, well, how the fuck

54:41

did I let myself with as confident and

54:43

strong as you are? Like how the fuck

54:45

did I let myself get into this? How

54:47

did you? Well, maybe

54:49

because I wasn't as strong

54:51

as I thought I was. I

54:53

can open, say that maybe I wasn't at that

54:56

point. Like, cause I've mastered all the other areas

54:58

of my life, business, money. It's

55:00

the personal life that I cannot. When

55:02

you say you weren't as strong, what do

55:04

you define strength as? Like what did they,

55:07

what was the weakness that you feel like

55:09

they exploited? I

55:11

think the weakness was me wanting to

55:13

share a space with somebody that I

55:15

had. That you had trust

55:18

with. Trust. Now take

55:20

ourselves out of that. Is

55:23

there anything weak in wanting that?

55:28

Not you giving me therapy, not

55:30

my sister holding my hand. But

55:33

I mean, honestly, like say it out

55:35

loud. Like I wanted companionship. I want

55:37

to companionship from a person that I

55:40

could trust. Is there anything we can

55:42

want to know? You write about that. No, you write. So

55:45

how? I don't know. And

55:48

here's the thing. I'm gonna tell you. Tell

55:51

me sister, please. Narcissists

55:53

know. They know who

55:55

to exploit. They know how to

55:57

do it. The con man. is

56:00

good at their job. You're not good

56:02

at being conned. You

56:04

understand? And that's what always happened is

56:07

like, we think I should have known.

56:09

I should have known if I'd have

56:11

known. And ultimately, like you learn through

56:13

life, different experiences, different awareness of your

56:15

triggers, et cetera, like how people can

56:17

exploit them. But you can't blame yourself

56:20

because ultimately you were leading with the best of

56:22

intentions. You had a good heart and you were

56:24

going in with a good heart. My favorite quote

56:26

is from the author of the Alchemist, Paulo Coelho.

56:28

He says, trust everyone, but never sell your sword.

56:32

Because who want to be out here

56:34

paranoid? Right. But sister, that's the thing.

56:36

But you never sell your sword so

56:39

that you can cut it when

56:41

it's time to cut it. And then

56:43

the lesson is learned. Narcissists

56:46

attach to codependence. I think I

56:48

have that. And I

56:50

think I grew to have it because of

56:52

living out loud, being

56:54

visible. And then, you want

56:57

protection. You want protection.

56:59

You want to believe that you're not

57:01

alone on an island of you because

57:03

it is very lonely living out loud.

57:06

It's very isolating living out loud. You are at

57:08

the top of the mountain yelling and people are

57:11

looking at you like, yes, man. Then

57:13

the other side of the mountain, people are firing arrows

57:15

at you. Come down, bitch. Come down. And

57:17

you sit showing up there, but

57:19

ultimately you're by yourself up there.

57:22

And you're like, maybe if I had someone else

57:24

up here with me, they could be watching the

57:26

arrows. So then I wouldn't get that. They can

57:28

also be holding me so I can wave to

57:30

everybody. And also we can just chill and look

57:32

at each other and enjoy our time up here

57:34

by ourselves. But it's not easy.

57:37

And people know

57:39

that. And so they know how to come in.

57:41

So I don't want you to diminish your

57:44

desire for something you deserve

57:46

as weakness. Okay. I accept

57:48

that. I accept that

57:51

because for a while I was like, I'm

57:53

so stupid. I'm so dumb. Yes.

57:56

You're so strong that

57:58

they came to you. because they needed

58:00

you to make themselves feel strong.

58:03

To absorb. Yes. Their

58:05

vampires. Yes. Hey, I

58:07

got it. And for a while, it's like, And God

58:09

bless them. Yeah. Right? Oh,

58:12

what's the matter? That's

58:14

for you. That's your punishment for the big

58:16

year. That sucks for you. You just gotta go, you gotta hop,

58:18

hop, hop, hop. You'll

58:20

never be, you'll never. You'll never grow

58:22

roots. No. You

58:25

said something earlier just about like trust. It's

58:28

very hard to

58:30

trust, but what happens

58:32

for a lot of us is that we form

58:34

bonds really quick and

58:36

we think it's something else. We

58:39

think it's connection. We think it's

58:41

chemistry. We think it's love. And

58:44

it really is just, they

58:46

made you feel good. And so

58:48

your brain said, oh, this

58:51

person made us feel good. Let's be around

58:53

this person more. And we have to be the

58:55

conscious ones to say, that did

58:57

feel good until further

58:59

notice. Right. Then the source

59:01

says, nobody

59:04

can fake longer than three months. I

59:07

mean, you have to like really be disciplined and

59:09

be like, I'm

59:11

not going to internalize

59:16

how you make me feel for three months. I

59:19

will examine how you make me feel. I will acknowledge

59:21

it. I'm not gonna just be closed off, but I

59:23

can't internalize. I can't let it get into my cells.

59:25

I can't let it be cellular. That's

59:28

the exercise. And I think when you're someone

59:30

who lives out loud, that's not

59:32

something to be done as like a fun

59:35

project. It's like, that's how you have to

59:37

exist because you have so much to give

59:39

and there's so many people that want. Yes.

59:42

And they will take, absorb it. But

59:46

I'm in a good space. So how did you

59:48

get past that? Baby

59:51

steps. Did you fuck

59:53

your way out of it? Did you drink your way out of it? I

59:55

did, all of it. But I didn't drink my way

59:57

out of it. Well, I did drink a little something.

1:00:00

Okay. I fucked the world. Okay. I fucked. Okay.

1:00:04

I fucked. Okay. Shit. I

1:00:07

mean, I shot my way out of it. You

1:00:10

shot. I

1:00:13

love it. I

1:00:15

love clothes. Sister, I'm

1:00:17

real frugal. Are

1:00:19

you? Oh, I'm frugal. Fascinating. As much

1:00:21

money as I make, I'm frugal. Listen, I'm

1:00:23

going to tell you why, because I'm, it's

1:00:25

trauma. I have so many traumas. Because you've

1:00:27

been broke, you will never go broke again.

1:00:29

Well, you won't ever go broke again. You

1:00:31

should know that. Yes, but trauma is those

1:00:33

traumas. So do you go to therapy? I

1:00:36

need to. I'm willing

1:00:38

to say I need to. What? You just said

1:00:40

you got all this money. What

1:00:42

is stopping you? Working? No. Okay.

1:00:46

Because you got time to get your hair done. You got

1:00:48

time to go to therapy. But this is therapy. Like doing stuff like this is

1:00:50

the problem. No, it's not. I am not a licensed

1:00:52

therapist. But this is therapy for me because I don't

1:00:54

really tell like this, like that stuff I just said.

1:00:56

I feel you, but this is

1:00:59

not, this is therapeutic. Okay.

1:01:01

Therapeutic. And I'm

1:01:03

honored. I'm honored that you

1:01:05

would feel safe enough to fill

1:01:07

this space with that. I mean, you

1:01:09

know, you asked me in a way like you didn't,

1:01:11

you weren't, you weren't pushing me. You just felt, girl,

1:01:13

you know, I just felt like that because

1:01:15

that's what, that's what was going on. That Beyonce thing

1:01:17

was the big, that was huge for me. Like

1:01:20

that was huge, like huge. And

1:01:23

I was sad. Ain't that a

1:01:25

fucking bitch? Me on the red carpet is

1:01:27

all at TIFF meeting Viola Davis. Jessica

1:01:30

Chastain. Harry Potter. I

1:01:32

met Harry Potter. Expecto

1:01:34

Patronum! Expecto Patronum, bitch.

1:01:37

I met Harry Potter. Really? He was

1:01:39

like, Oh my God, you're so funny.

1:01:43

Hello, I'm all around. He says, Oh my God,

1:01:45

you're so funny. Shook my

1:01:47

hand. He doesn't know. He got some real small

1:01:50

hands. He does. He does. Daniel Radcliffe. I

1:01:52

was like, girl, why you? Is he one of

1:01:54

the girls? I don't know

1:01:56

what this, you know, I call everybody. No,

1:01:59

I didn't know. I was like, bro, you know, I just

1:02:01

this is probably what the gay in me that he's like, bro,

1:02:03

bro, bro. It's just

1:02:05

like, you're here so little. But he's a

1:02:07

little guy, isn't he? No, he's little. He's

1:02:10

little guy. But I

1:02:12

was just like, okay. And then

1:02:14

I was supposed to be so

1:02:16

happy. Like I got the biggest

1:02:18

comedy person, Judd

1:02:20

Apatow. Like Universal Pictures

1:02:23

is that got

1:02:25

me at the risk cause and I'm eating steak five times

1:02:27

a day. They

1:02:30

credit card with my pal. I

1:02:33

know I had the filet yesterday. I like the

1:02:36

New York for breakfast. You

1:02:40

know, let me get them over and you know,

1:02:42

they're all American, you know, twice, you know, they

1:02:44

got they caught on file, charge it to the

1:02:46

rules. You can't have all these traumas and not be

1:02:48

in therapy. This is silly. Cause

1:02:52

you can't even enjoy to the

1:02:54

fullest. I know you're enjoying, but you can't even

1:02:56

enjoy to the fullest. When you know, you got

1:02:58

this little monkey on your back. You

1:03:01

know that though. I ain't telling you nothing. You ain't

1:03:03

telling me nothing. But I want to

1:03:06

know the real reason why you gonna go to therapy. Well, because

1:03:08

I tell myself that I don't have time. What's

1:03:10

the real reason? Cause you telling me that too. Well, cause

1:03:12

I don't want to go. Why? Girl, cause

1:03:15

I don't have time. For what? Girl

1:03:18

to sit up there and tell these people my business.

1:03:20

That's not the truth. I

1:03:23

don't want to be sitting and telling my business girl. Because?

1:03:26

I don't trust them. Bitch,

1:03:29

you always have too much of this information. What are

1:03:31

they going to do with it? I don't know. Make

1:03:33

a book. They

1:03:35

don't. Well, I will tell you they legally

1:03:38

can't. So even if they did, you can

1:03:40

sue them like for real. But ultimately, that's

1:03:42

not like a common thing. What you think it

1:03:44

is. Tell me what's the common reason why I don't want to go to therapy. Cause

1:03:47

you don't have to find out shit that you don't want to

1:03:49

find out. Because you think that you can't

1:03:51

handle it and you absolutely can. That's

1:03:54

the reason why so many people, we had Shirley Raines

1:03:56

sitting right up here. And she said the

1:03:58

same thing. She was like, I haven't gone to therapy. because

1:04:00

I just feel like

1:04:03

it's gonna open a box that I can't

1:04:06

close. Girl, the box I done opened,

1:04:08

honey, but you know what's been a

1:04:11

false therapy for me? It's been therapeutic.

1:04:15

It's the reason why I live out loud. I used to

1:04:17

just pick my phone up and talk. It's

1:04:20

like, you see how you said, and people think

1:04:22

that you're angry? What do you think therapy is? Talking.

1:04:26

You know what it really is? What is it? It's

1:04:29

someone basically helping you understand

1:04:31

you better so

1:04:33

that you're not in your own way of joy. And

1:04:37

I think a lot of us underestimate how

1:04:41

little we know about that.

1:04:43

Really? Yeah. How little we know

1:04:45

about ourselves? Yeah, like how little we know about the

1:04:47

ways in which we're in our own way. So,

1:04:50

McDonald's is not new to chicken. So

1:04:55

maybe stop questioning their chicken cred

1:04:57

and get your hands on the McRispy. Juicy fried

1:04:59

chicken, buttery butter, unmatched

1:05:01

wiggle the chicken ratio. Yeah,

1:05:04

they know what they're doing. In fact, we can

1:05:06

only say they're not new to chicken. They're

1:05:09

true to chicken. Me, McRispy. Oh,

1:05:13

and McRispy, I'm not a

1:05:15

chicken. I'm not a chicken. McRispy. And

1:05:19

McRispy. Buh-duh-buh-buh-buh.

1:05:26

So I'll give you, I'll speak to myself for

1:05:28

example. I didn't realize that I had abandonment issues.

1:05:32

And I didn't realize that they were showing up in

1:05:35

ways that I just didn't know. What

1:05:37

is an abandonment issue? Abandonment issue

1:05:40

is you have a trigger that

1:05:44

is related to you feeling like you were left

1:05:46

out in the cold by someone very important to you

1:05:48

early on in your life. So like my father

1:05:50

not being a proper supporter,

1:05:53

I would say like my mom just not being

1:05:55

as emotionally connected as I would have

1:05:57

liked her to be. I have a... trigger

1:06:01

of what that feels like and it feels

1:06:04

terrible. So when

1:06:06

you have abandonment issues, you do things

1:06:08

to avoid that, which is how you end up with

1:06:10

narcissists. Because

1:06:13

the feeling they give you is the exact opposite of

1:06:15

that in the beginning. Oh, you're going to make me

1:06:18

feel safe. You made me feel safe. You're not

1:06:20

going anywhere. You're going to hold me down. Got it. And

1:06:23

you start serving. You start serving.

1:06:25

This is how this person is not going to

1:06:28

be. How can I be a resource to you? What

1:06:31

do you need? How can I? So then

1:06:33

you become a people pleaser and you're like, but

1:06:36

I'm not a people pleaser. I say no all

1:06:38

the time. It's like, yeah, but you're stretching, like

1:06:40

you're thinking all the time about how to show

1:06:43

them the best way for this person. Like you're

1:06:45

thinking about their success. Like

1:06:47

you're thinking about like, how can they win? You

1:06:49

think about how they can win on your time.

1:06:51

So you start doing these things that are really

1:06:53

attached to the fact that when you were young,

1:06:56

you were left and you don't ever want

1:06:58

to feel that way again. And so you're

1:07:00

reacting in ways that at

1:07:02

one point protected you, but

1:07:05

are no longer helpful to you. They're detrimental to you because it's

1:07:07

attaching you to people that are actually going to harm you again.

1:07:10

So that was one of these things that like,

1:07:12

I didn't have the words for, but I was

1:07:15

setting myself up. I was doing repeated behaviors over

1:07:17

and over and over again, because I didn't have

1:07:19

the words for it. I didn't know

1:07:21

that that was attached to this. So once

1:07:23

I was able to like learn therapy, oh,

1:07:26

this is a thing that you

1:07:29

have that you experienced. It

1:07:32

was like a Harry Potter spell

1:07:34

that unlocked the door. And

1:07:38

I'm telling you, it changed my life. Okay.

1:07:40

And also like it allows you to be

1:07:42

able to see shit clearer. And that alleviates

1:07:45

like the way that you respond to things. Like, and it

1:07:47

doesn't mean that you don't still have these feelings. It doesn't

1:07:49

mean that you still don't, you know, react to things, but

1:07:51

it doesn't last as long. It doesn't go as deep. You

1:07:53

know what I'm saying? You're able to, like my

1:07:56

abandonment issues were triggered a couple of

1:07:58

weeks ago. So here we go. What

1:08:00

happened girl we point to you now. So

1:08:03

I was hiring for a position that was a

1:08:05

really important position in the work I'm doing and

1:08:08

I sought out a sister that had impressed me

1:08:10

years ago and I was like, oh I wonder

1:08:12

if she's so available and So I

1:08:14

reached I like found a way to get to her reached

1:08:17

out to her was like, hey Have

1:08:19

this position open and would you be interested? She was like, absolutely

1:08:22

Let's go on the phone. So we got on the zoom

1:08:24

two-hour call Yes,

1:08:31

I'm like, oh my god Yes,

1:08:36

all right, so I'm like, okay, we're gonna

1:08:38

take the next step, you know, how much do you want? Okay,

1:08:40

let me go to the budget checks. Let me go do all

1:08:42

the work every call I'm making with her

1:08:44

is like, okay. I want to be transparent. This is the

1:08:46

conversation that I had This is where we

1:08:48

out with this. How do you feel? Where's

1:08:51

your head with this? Man,

1:08:53

I'm just trying to get started.

1:08:55

I'm all in I'm committing

1:08:57

myself to this. Let's go Because

1:08:59

the project that is attached to is so important

1:09:01

to me and it was like imperative that I

1:09:04

get the right person And I finally and I've

1:09:06

been frustrated So it was like, oh my gosh,

1:09:08

like this is gonna alleviate that and we can

1:09:10

finally like do we need to do Here

1:09:14

comes here come the plane land the

1:09:16

plane food a week before she

1:09:19

was supposed to start She

1:09:21

sends me an email Not

1:09:23

even a phone call. I see what this is going Not

1:09:27

even a phone call now all we've

1:09:29

been doing is phone calling. That's it That's

1:09:32

all we've been doing because I want you to

1:09:34

know that you can talk to me.

1:09:36

Yes, it's personal. Yeah, got it And

1:09:39

I like six at night. I got a

1:09:41

email. I'm no longer available for

1:09:43

the position I decided to take a promotion

1:09:45

at the job that I'm currently at

1:09:48

you wanted to whoop her Ma'am

1:09:51

I told you all my motherfucking

1:09:53

business bitch and I set

1:09:55

up here on Hours go up. Let me tell

1:09:57

I was an hour money longer your way I

1:10:00

was in hours. I can do

1:10:03

this for hours. I want to

1:10:05

get in. You just going on and on. And

1:10:07

now you get all the way down to the ninth

1:10:09

hour and you go, Oh, sorry. But

1:10:12

I know you'll find the

1:10:14

right person. Bitch. And then

1:10:16

it was brought to my attention that, Oh,

1:10:18

she was probably using you to get a raise. Oh,

1:10:21

this whole time. You

1:10:23

use me, you bitch. But just

1:10:25

don't worry. Cause I'm an alchemist.

1:10:29

I'm a turn it in the gold, which I have

1:10:33

because what it reminded me was you were

1:10:36

putting too much stock into

1:10:38

her and it was in you.

1:10:41

And so it forced me to remember you

1:10:44

are what you need to be the person

1:10:46

and to have the show and to do

1:10:48

the projects that you need. And everyone else

1:10:50

brings in their elements, right? But you were

1:10:52

putting too much into that. She was going

1:10:54

to help bring this to where it is.

1:10:56

No, no, you bring that to where it

1:10:58

is. The people that are in the mix

1:11:00

though, they get that. They understand that. And

1:11:02

they also know their roles, but I triggered

1:11:04

my abandonment issues because it was so abrupt

1:11:06

and it was so without any causation that

1:11:08

made any sense that then it becomes

1:11:11

like, well, what did I do? What did I do? What

1:11:13

happened? Well, why is she? And then you

1:11:15

start thinking irrationally because that's what the abandonment issue makes

1:11:17

you think. It makes you think irrationally. It makes you

1:11:19

think, okay, so if this happened this way, it must've

1:11:21

been my fault. Why is it my

1:11:24

fault? Well, it's always your fault. It's

1:11:26

always your fault because no one would

1:11:28

leave you if you didn't make it happen. And you

1:11:30

made it happen because no one likes you. And no

1:11:32

one likes you because you do this thing and you

1:11:35

do this thing because you don't know how to stop

1:11:37

it. And so if you do this thing

1:11:39

that you don't know how to stop, that makes people leave you. And that

1:11:41

means people are always going to leave you. Yeah.

1:11:43

Just circle. Yeah. And that's how

1:11:45

you go down the spiral. Yeah. But therapy

1:11:48

allowed me to hit rock bottom quickly

1:11:50

to hit that bottom because the spirals will

1:11:52

keep going and going and going unless you stop.

1:11:55

And the therapy allowed me to stop

1:11:57

and say, no, this is your

1:12:00

abandonment issue. You've

1:12:02

seen this before. Which I'm

1:12:04

telling you, this was

1:12:06

the first time I feel like I was

1:12:09

triggered this much and went

1:12:12

down a spiral and actually stopped myself

1:12:14

in the spiral. And I know that's

1:12:16

because the therapy allowed

1:12:18

me to see it. There was

1:12:20

another consciousness that was like, no, this is

1:12:22

your brain doing the bullshit. This

1:12:24

is it. Yeah, just stop. Yeah. So

1:12:26

I mean, I'm going to get some therapy,

1:12:28

but that situation that I was in, like

1:12:30

anytime I see a man that's trying to

1:12:32

talk to me or a guy that's communicating

1:12:34

with me that has any inkling. Well,

1:12:38

I'll tell you this. There are narcissists

1:12:40

and there is narcissism. We have to

1:12:42

understand that because we particularly black people,

1:12:44

like narcissism is just a very big part of the

1:12:46

way that we have survived. Yeah, I got it. No,

1:12:48

we all have it. Yeah. And I got it. When

1:12:52

I was checking in the box for him, I was like, wait,

1:12:56

I do that. Wait, I do

1:12:58

that. Oh,

1:13:01

shit. I do that. But you know the

1:13:04

difference? Do you know the difference

1:13:06

between like narcissism and narcissists? A

1:13:08

narcissist cannot identify their problems. They

1:13:10

can't admit to it. So they can't change it. Narcissism

1:13:13

means that you have certain behaviors

1:13:15

that are narcissistic, but you have

1:13:17

enough self-awareness that you can identify

1:13:19

it and learn how to. Okay. Got it.

1:13:21

Because there was something. So even you being able to see it

1:13:23

and be like, Oh, I do that. I was like, Oh

1:13:26

God. Okay. And like there was a few things in

1:13:28

it. I said, let me go fix some shit. So

1:13:30

what did you do to fix that? I go, I apologize.

1:13:32

Like, Hey, I want to tell y'all I'm sorry for

1:13:34

the way I said this. Right. Right. Right. I don't want

1:13:36

to, I'm good. My fault.

1:13:39

My fault. My fault. Bro.

1:13:41

I'm sorry. You know what I'm saying?

1:13:45

It wasn't you. It was me. It's me. It's

1:13:49

me. I'm the

1:13:51

problem. It's me. Okay.

1:13:54

If you guys, I might, I just, I

1:13:56

don't, I gotta clear my phone out. Cause

1:14:00

I do like to talk to a lot of niggas. What's

1:14:03

wrong with that? I

1:14:05

didn't want them to become a supply. When

1:14:08

I was reading like there was a supply, I

1:14:10

was like, Oh God, oh God, oh God. I

1:14:12

promise you after that, when I found out I

1:14:14

was on my knee, a lot of you bitches

1:14:16

need to go look up narcissism and narcissist and

1:14:19

follow your motherfucking needs and be

1:14:21

like, bitch, God, please don't let me be this.

1:14:24

Right. Yeah. Cause

1:14:26

it's scary. Cause you're like, I'm very, very, very, very,

1:14:29

very, very, very, very, very, very, very, don't, don't, God, don't

1:14:31

let me do this. I don't want to absorb

1:14:33

nobody's energy. I don't want to do that. I

1:14:35

don't want to do that, but I've had to

1:14:37

be a survivor mode majority of my life. Yeah.

1:14:40

But you don't have to anymore. No. Well,

1:14:42

shit. No,

1:14:45

you don't. You can thrive. You can

1:14:47

thrive. But yeah, you got survived. You know why you,

1:14:49

you know, I get the difference because just like I

1:14:51

said earlier, I'm not going to be throwing no bottle.

1:14:54

So the reason why if any bitch tell

1:14:56

myself, well, why y'all reality? Cause I'm

1:14:58

not busting nobody in the head with no bottle. I'm

1:15:01

not reaching across the table, dragging a bitch across the floor.

1:15:04

I'm not getting on cause surviving is like, I'm

1:15:06

a do whatever surviving is what you did

1:15:08

when you was on the stroll. Thriving

1:15:12

is I ain't doing that. I have choices. I

1:15:14

got choices. And this is no shake

1:15:16

cause I love everybody. But

1:15:19

that to me could and Latasha shit

1:15:22

ain't nowhere here. I'm going to be on TV. We were doing

1:15:24

it with myself. I

1:15:26

don't give a fuck. You know,

1:15:28

I kind of feel though that that's

1:15:30

probably the only way it was ever

1:15:32

going to get dealt with. Like after

1:15:35

watching it, you're like, Oh, this

1:15:37

is, we are sister in name.

1:15:40

We are sister in name, not an action.

1:15:43

Amanda. Have you

1:15:45

watched? I've been watching. I ain't doing it. And

1:15:48

I'm sitting here looking at her on social

1:15:51

media and she's having like, I can

1:15:53

see the breakdowns of her. I

1:15:55

can see him like, I just, you know what I'm saying? Like

1:15:57

I didn't want to. Which one? Or

1:16:00

the doctor show. Or the doctor show. Because girl, she

1:16:02

was just talking about how they in an over relationship.

1:16:05

You seen it on the girl. I was like, now

1:16:07

you know. The husband? She said the

1:16:09

day in an over relationship, she never wanted to come. She's

1:16:11

forced. They have to say the day

1:16:14

in the over, she says, believe me, because I know everything

1:16:16

that's going on, everything. I'm like, girl, a lot

1:16:18

of y'all bitches out here in these over relationships,

1:16:20

y'all know, that's not what y'all want to be.

1:16:22

Your nigga won't stop fucking off on you. And

1:16:25

so you just decide that you're okay

1:16:27

with this. So you in an over relationship and

1:16:29

you about to put a gospel album out too? This is

1:16:31

the way. You said it, now we're gonna, but I caught myself,

1:16:33

I stopped myself. I did. You're just going

1:16:35

to put a God, and I don't have no problem

1:16:37

with the people, but I'm just commenting on the shit

1:16:39

I steal. But see, you're not going to get my

1:16:41

business like that. I'm not going to go out. Yeah,

1:16:43

but you're not stealing your sister's money. No, I'm not.

1:16:45

But I'm also not going to get on it. They

1:16:47

not get my business, not my business like that. Not

1:16:50

my business, not my business like that. I

1:16:53

do reality TV. I'm not busting your head with

1:16:55

no bottom. I'm

1:16:57

not dragging the bitch across from and I'm damn

1:17:00

sure not doing, I'm not finna air no Venus

1:17:02

that's going on with me and my sister. So

1:17:05

you know that happened like in real time, like it

1:17:07

wasn't planned. Apparently like she was just

1:17:09

goshlet so much in that moment that she just said,

1:17:11

fuck it. And it came out. Okay. McDonald's

1:17:21

is not new to chicken. So

1:17:24

maybe stop questioning their chicken cred

1:17:26

and get your hands on the

1:17:28

big crispy juicy fried chicken buttery

1:17:30

bun unmatched pickle to chicken ratio.

1:17:35

In fact, we can easily say they're not

1:17:37

new to chicken. They're not new to chicken.

1:17:41

They're crispy. Oh,

1:17:43

I make up. Speaking

1:17:51

of your business, come on, let's do it. The

1:17:53

folks want to get up in your business. Who does got

1:17:55

questions? Oh, they got some questions. good.

1:18:01

The people

1:18:03

got. Yeah. Hallelujah.

1:18:07

What the question is. Okay. Here they

1:18:09

are. What do

1:18:12

you think? Well, first of all, thank y'all

1:18:14

for sending in your questions from Ms. P.S. Madison. Thank you. Thank

1:18:16

you very much. Thank you. Living out loud.

1:18:19

First question. What do you

1:18:21

think your younger self would say about your

1:18:23

journey and where you are now? Ooh, my

1:18:25

younger self would be like, girl, I didn't

1:18:34

know you was built for this. I know.

1:18:36

Like, and I, when did

1:18:38

you know you were built for this? When it started

1:18:40

happening, when shit really crashed and

1:18:42

I was like, Oh,

1:18:44

nah. See,

1:18:46

cause people talk about what they'll do and what

1:18:49

they won't do and how they give

1:18:51

so much advice to everybody about this and the other

1:18:53

until they get in a position. Then when you get

1:18:55

in a position, you fold, maybe like

1:18:57

a chair. It's been so much shit going on

1:18:59

in my personal life and even in my business

1:19:01

life that a lot of you hoes would not

1:19:04

be able to take. And sister, you've been in

1:19:06

this shit way longer than me. And

1:19:08

I know I'm just now

1:19:10

getting some of that Hollywood shit that the fold up

1:19:12

on me and I'm like, yeah, girl. Ain't

1:19:15

it something? What happened? Do these motherfuckers know I'm

1:19:18

going to add this to be a

1:19:21

Tasmanian devil. Listen, and

1:19:24

they don't know also, and like not

1:19:29

enough people are afraid of getting beat up.

1:19:33

Like that's really nice. I think that we need

1:19:35

to bring that back. It's not, it's just

1:19:37

like you be in a room and they'll do some shit.

1:19:39

You've like, Oh, and

1:19:42

that's the part for me that I'm

1:19:44

always, I'm always shocked. Like you just

1:19:46

did that. And

1:19:51

it always is a delayed reaction. I've

1:19:54

been ditched on a red carpet before, like

1:19:56

started a carpet with somebody and then

1:19:59

they saw someone else. else that they felt was more famous

1:20:01

and they just was like, Oh, I'm over there now.

1:20:05

Like, I told you to step shit.

1:20:07

And it's like, bro, but I don't been on a cook, something that

1:20:09

happened and shit. Well, they went on a commercial break and I'd have

1:20:11

been like, you did this on

1:20:13

commercial break it up for the coming out commercial break. Oh, baby. I was

1:20:16

on the real. I was on the real.

1:20:18

So come on now. You know, I

1:20:20

know about a commercial break. Okay.

1:20:23

Okay. This shit that gets said in

1:20:25

the commercial break and you got to come back like,

1:20:28

Hey, are you like,

1:20:31

I will whoop

1:20:33

you. Next question. Come on. Let's

1:20:44

do it. How do you maintain your

1:20:46

voice and find your tribe in

1:20:48

a world that always seeks to

1:20:50

shrink black people? It's like they've been

1:20:53

listening to the episode and they haven't, but they had,

1:20:55

but their hearts. Well, the way that I

1:20:57

maintain my voice is that I stand in

1:20:59

me being black regardless.

1:21:03

And I know that it seems like it's

1:21:05

the majority of black people, but it's not

1:21:07

all black people. And I

1:21:10

understand that my voice makes

1:21:13

things happen. So I can't

1:21:16

get quiet living out

1:21:20

loud.

1:21:22

Next question. What

1:21:24

or who did you have to let who,

1:21:26

what or who did you have to let

1:21:28

go on the living out loud path?

1:21:30

What or who I had

1:21:32

to let go a

1:21:39

lot of my own ego.

1:21:43

Tell me more. I had to let go a lot

1:21:45

of my own ego on my path to living out

1:21:47

loud because again, you know,

1:21:51

sometimes you think you're always right. Right.

1:21:53

And sometimes you think that, you know, what's

1:21:55

best and you got this. Yep. And you

1:21:57

know what I'm saying? You, you know, Bitch,

1:22:00

when you say this, no. I'm

1:22:03

a stand on it. I'm a stand on it,

1:22:05

no. Sometimes you gotta take a step back and

1:22:07

you gotta let go a lot of shit that you think

1:22:10

is right and look at the bigger picture because

1:22:14

I will tell you, for an example, I had

1:22:17

got into a hot water and I don't think it was hot

1:22:19

water, but I just had to understand it was bigger than me

1:22:22

with the word tranny. Okay. It

1:22:25

didn't affect me and it doesn't bother me. People try to

1:22:27

use that to me as a sir. It

1:22:29

doesn't bother me, but I came

1:22:31

from a sex work world where I made money off

1:22:34

of that word. Everybody's not

1:22:36

in that world. Okay. So I

1:22:38

had to let my ego go and understand

1:22:41

why, like Madison, your voice

1:22:43

is amplified. You

1:22:45

gotta realize that you have an amplified

1:22:48

voice. These people are

1:22:50

saying this is hurting them. You

1:22:52

can't stand in your privilege of

1:22:56

being in spaces that they cannot get

1:22:58

in there to have their voices amplified.

1:23:01

You gotta realize that it's bigger than

1:23:03

you. It's not about you. And

1:23:06

sometimes it's hard for people to let go that it's

1:23:08

not about them. Well, this is what

1:23:11

makes you not a narcissist. Good.

1:23:13

Thank you, God. But I

1:23:15

had to release that shit and I

1:23:17

had to understand like Madison, you got

1:23:19

to listen to what like. Yeah. And

1:23:22

some people is never going to get to just get to

1:23:24

it's bigger than you is real

1:23:26

because that opens so much understanding.

1:23:29

It ain't got nothing

1:23:31

to do with you, bitch. And

1:23:33

then when you have to see these people are hurting and

1:23:37

you not hurting because you've monetized up

1:23:39

this and how can they haven't monetized off of

1:23:42

this stuff? They're living their life and they're trying

1:23:44

to find other avenues because that's not the route

1:23:46

that they want to take. You took that route.

1:23:49

So you can't say, Oh, what? That fucked them

1:23:51

whole day. Do what I did. So

1:23:54

I had to let a lot of my pieces of

1:23:56

me go. Mm. Lot,

1:23:59

lot of pieces. of me that I

1:24:01

felt that was so important that

1:24:03

really was not. Because when I let it go, I was

1:24:05

like, I didn't lose shit. I

1:24:07

got lighter. I did. So

1:24:10

it means I can lie there. And I

1:24:12

was not to say that nobody, because some people

1:24:14

say, well, now you're influenced by, no, no,

1:24:16

no, no, no. It's not that. You're

1:24:18

informed by. I'm listening and understanding like,

1:24:21

all right. Well,

1:24:23

you know, people also realize that you can change your mind.

1:24:27

That information, new information, can

1:24:30

bring new into like

1:24:32

new understanding. I ain't give a fuck about that shit

1:24:34

though. Until I really said.

1:24:37

Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. And then people

1:24:39

would say, oh, you switched side. And it's like,

1:24:41

no, I just understand with another perspective. And so

1:24:43

here we are. You see what I said? I

1:24:45

said, it still doesn't bother me. But

1:24:47

I understand that you can't use that. Because

1:24:50

it hurts people. And

1:24:52

it don't hurt just because it don't hurt me. Doesn't

1:24:54

mean that this is not being hurt. But

1:24:57

that's the whole thing about like, when you see black people

1:24:59

who will say like, oh, well, if

1:25:01

I'm popping and clearly racism doesn't

1:25:03

exist. And it's like, no, you. Kanye,

1:25:05

but come on now. Morgan Freeman. Oh,

1:25:08

oh, oh, not

1:25:10

God. Well,

1:25:15

look at God. Cause we are about to

1:25:17

go to the Amandaverse because we

1:25:19

have some Patreon only questions for the one

1:25:22

and only the glamorous, the great T.S. Madison.

1:25:24

So if you would like to hear the

1:25:26

rest of these questions and you know you

1:25:28

do because you know the wisdom is overflowing.

1:25:31

It's coming out to the Bantu Knots. Nairobi.

1:25:34

Then you want to. I just want

1:25:36

to Nairobi. Then you will come over to the

1:25:38

Amandaverse. McDonald's

1:25:46

is not new to chicken. So

1:25:49

maybe stop questioning their chicken cred

1:25:51

and get your hands on the

1:25:53

meat. Crispy, juicy fried chicken, buttery

1:25:56

bun, unmatched pickle to chicken ratio.

1:25:58

Yeah, they know what they do. In fact, we

1:26:01

can say, I love the chicken, I

1:26:03

chew the chicken. Me,

1:26:06

make crispy. Oh,

1:26:08

and McDonald's. Ba-da,

1:26:10

ba-ba-ba. Hello,

1:26:16

Amandaverse. We are here for you

1:26:18

Steel Squaders. And it

1:26:21

is me, NTF Madison, with this

1:26:23

special content just for you. JUSTF4,

1:26:26

or while you. All

1:26:28

right. What do

1:26:30

you think is

1:26:33

the perception of you versus

1:26:35

who you really are? Oh,

1:26:38

I think that there are a lot of women

1:26:41

who think that I'm jealous of them. This gender

1:26:44

women. This gender women. To think that I'm jealous

1:26:46

of them or they think that I don't, because

1:26:48

it's been a narrative spent that I don't like.

1:26:50

I think we've talked about this before, but

1:26:53

there's been a narrative spent out there that I

1:26:55

don't like black women and I have a grudge

1:26:57

or I have a feeling, a negative feeling towards

1:26:59

black women. Based on what? Like based on things you've said, they

1:27:01

feel like. Based on things I've said, based on

1:27:03

me talking about some experiences that I've had, you

1:27:05

know, and I'm like, what

1:27:08

the fuck? Like one, I'm not jealous of

1:27:10

any woman, cis or trans. Let's

1:27:12

make that clear because what God, what

1:27:15

God has for me, ye ye, abashah.

1:27:17

Yes, for me. That's

1:27:21

one. And then two, I am not,

1:27:24

you cannot compete. You're the

1:27:26

carbon copy. You can't compete

1:27:28

with the original. There's no, I'm not

1:27:30

trying to compete with the original. I've

1:27:33

pulled from and I've absorbed and

1:27:36

I've, I've reverenced and revered,

1:27:38

but I'm not competing.

1:27:41

It just pisses me off that people think I

1:27:43

don't know anatomy biology that I don't know

1:27:45

these things. And I'm like,

1:27:47

ma'am, I stand on me being trans. Right.

1:27:51

And you also acknowledge that cisgendered women

1:27:53

have inhabited and existed in a space

1:27:56

where they have had

1:27:58

to create their own existence. out of womanhood,

1:28:00

right? And out of where that is, and

1:28:02

you can respect that space

1:28:05

and still be in your space. Yes.

1:28:08

But there's a lot of, you know, I'm like, girl, what,

1:28:12

where does this come from? I don't

1:28:14

understand. I think that comes from just

1:28:16

the reality that a lot of women still don't

1:28:18

feel like we can own our womanhood, you

1:28:21

know? And so it's like someone's taking something from you.

1:28:23

Yeah, because there was a woman. Yes, sister,

1:28:25

I'm glad you said that, because there was a woman, I did a

1:28:27

video about me being a trans woman

1:28:29

and my friend and my sister and all this one

1:28:31

being a man. And they was like, well, honey, you're

1:28:34

always gonna be a man. You'll never be a woman.

1:28:36

And I just, it just makes me so mad that

1:28:38

you say woman in any, with

1:28:40

even the prefix of trans, when you

1:28:43

don't, you can't birth a kid and

1:28:45

you can't. I'm like, ma'am, these are

1:28:47

internalized problems that you have, because if

1:28:49

my existence has you that upset, you

1:28:51

gotta do some soul searching and you. They

1:28:54

really be thinking like, trans women are

1:28:56

trying to erase us. I'm like, how

1:28:58

can you be erased? It's the same

1:29:00

way that white people are like, immigrants

1:29:03

and brown people and black people are

1:29:05

trying to erase us. It's like, you're

1:29:07

physically, you're here. What do you?

1:29:10

I asked her in the comments, I said, ma'am, did you

1:29:12

wake up this morning? Did you fuck

1:29:14

your husband? Did you feed

1:29:16

your kids? Did he come in you

1:29:18

and you all, do you think you're pregnant? I'm

1:29:21

still here. I'm still here.

1:29:23

I didn't have anything to do with

1:29:25

that. I

1:29:27

didn't stop it. I didn't start it. You went to

1:29:29

the grocery store, you picked your kids up from school. Ma'am.

1:29:34

So we can all be here. Correct.

1:29:37

That's the point. Right. Trans

1:29:39

women can be here. And cis women

1:29:41

can be here. And they were like, don't

1:29:43

call me cis. I didn't know how to say this

1:29:45

is new. I did not know that this was

1:29:47

a problem. Oh girl. I had no idea. I

1:29:50

said that somewhere very casually and people

1:29:52

were like, don't call me cis. I'm

1:29:56

a woman. W-O-M-A-N. Woman.

1:30:00

And I was like, yeah, but you're also

1:30:02

cis. Right. Like, cis, you're cis. Right. And

1:30:04

then they're like, don't do that. Like, and

1:30:07

and. They just don't do that to me. To me. And

1:30:09

I was like, but it's a scientific. I don't. And

1:30:12

then you're angry. But here's the thing.

1:30:14

I'm only validating what you say.

1:30:17

I'm a real mother. And

1:30:19

I'm like, ma'am, I'm

1:30:21

acknowledging that. And I'm

1:30:24

also acknowledging that I'm trans. And

1:30:26

I say I'm trans. So if

1:30:29

you really look at it, who's angry here?

1:30:32

These are internal problems. Yeah.

1:30:35

Don't project on me. There's so

1:30:38

much conflict that comes from the

1:30:40

feeling of not being in possession.

1:30:43

Like, even this block fighting

1:30:45

with this block, you know? And it's like. It's

1:30:47

not your block. It belongs to that

1:30:50

white man. The municipality. Not

1:30:52

yours. Because they'll come through and

1:30:54

knock all y'all shit down. Baby. So

1:30:58

it's real. Like, that's why I really encourage

1:31:00

therapy and the self-awareness and the self-actualization. Because

1:31:02

when you have a strong sense of you

1:31:04

and a strong sense of self, you're not

1:31:06

tripping. Oh, nobody else. But

1:31:09

I'm not. Listen, I'm not the skinniest. I'm not

1:31:11

the fattest. I'm not the fan of the prettiest.

1:31:13

But bitch, I'm me. And what's going

1:31:15

to come and going to do for me is going to do for

1:31:17

me. I don't give a fuck if it's you,

1:31:19

you, you, you, and you in this room. What's

1:31:22

going to be directed to me is going to be mad. Yeah.

1:31:25

That's it. You can't take nothing

1:31:27

away from me that was not mad. That

1:31:29

right there is freedom. Once

1:31:31

you understand that, it's very freeing. And the other

1:31:34

thing, though, is that you can't really, truly own

1:31:36

that until you also are aware of what you're

1:31:38

putting in. And that's the other part. Folks be

1:31:40

feeling like somebody's taken from me. It's like, well,

1:31:43

did you do all the work? Did

1:31:45

you do everything? Because if you

1:31:47

didn't, that's the guilt that's tripping you. Y'all bitches

1:31:49

say because y'all can put on motherfucking hair and

1:31:52

makeup and say, there's more to being a woman

1:31:54

than that. OK. And I respect

1:31:56

that. But that is also part of being a

1:31:58

social construct. The

1:32:00

social kind of yeah, yeah, because yeah, because

1:32:02

you gotta understand you said

1:32:04

that I didn't You

1:32:07

said that you think that you could just

1:32:09

put on hair makeup and lipstick and you're

1:32:11

a woman you minimize it today You

1:32:15

minimize even when I hear people say like oh

1:32:17

like if you don't have a womb it's like

1:32:21

No, that's not it either if

1:32:24

you can't you can't have no

1:32:26

that's not ever what you listen

1:32:29

The female The

1:32:32

queen is that there is sex and

1:32:34

there is gender and the sooner we

1:32:36

can understand They don't want to

1:32:38

know it because the Bible says that God made Adam

1:32:40

and he made Eve They also

1:32:43

say that the Bible does not

1:32:45

include witchcraft and yet woman

1:32:47

was made from a rib Well,

1:32:50

what was that? Betty Crocker

1:32:52

like that wasn't a recipe listen.

1:32:54

This is what I tell them niggas. I wanted a

1:32:56

wine I don't want none of you niggas. They sit

1:32:58

down there to the Red Lobster All you can eat

1:33:00

shrimp face bitch at the church on Sunday to tell

1:33:02

me anything about the Levitical law Don't

1:33:06

tell me shit about Leviticus if you motherfucking

1:33:08

hoes skipped over Deuteronomy Don't talk to me

1:33:10

nothing about Leviticus because Deuteronomy is the only

1:33:12

thing that I acknowledge Because the

1:33:14

Lord took his big finger and wrote on the

1:33:16

rocks on Mount Sinai that Moses came down with

1:33:19

it was ten of them Ten of them that

1:33:21

all you bitches break from number one doubt shall

1:33:23

not If you ain't going

1:33:25

down the down shall not I don't want to hear shit

1:33:27

about the Levitical law nothing

1:33:30

Especially with you bitches down there at

1:33:32

the juicy crowd Fucking

1:33:35

up the juicy crab Whole shrimp

1:33:37

dinner lobster. You ain't supposed to eat none of

1:33:39

that Well, you know, they didn't

1:33:41

even apparently homosexuality wasn't even brought into

1:33:43

the Bible like 1945 and even in

1:33:45

that translation It was an interpretation

1:33:48

like it wasn't Nothing

1:33:50

but all this is an interpretation Everything

1:33:53

is a damn interpretation. There's a whole

1:33:55

other episode. Yeah, cuz you niggas need

1:33:57

to understand It's the same interpretation that

1:33:59

had your ass I did with the master

1:34:01

whimpercracker on your fucking back. I

1:34:03

don't want to hear none of that shit. It's

1:34:05

for me, I just- Well, I don't want

1:34:07

to hear anything that uses a book

1:34:10

that is supposed to be for elevation,

1:34:12

for righteousness, for

1:34:15

really for love. I don't want to

1:34:17

hear anything that is

1:34:19

misusing that for hate. For

1:34:21

your own agenda. And for discrimination and for agenda.

1:34:24

I don't want to hear it. For your own

1:34:26

agenda, for your agenda. See, everybody takes their book

1:34:28

and they use it in the context that works

1:34:30

for them. Yes. Our

1:34:32

country has no business. No.

1:34:34

None. None. Being built off

1:34:37

of the book. Cause if you want to start

1:34:39

with it, bitch, this country was built off of

1:34:42

malicious intent. Correct. You took people

1:34:44

from where they was at and you came over here

1:34:46

and stole these people's shit that was already fucking here.

1:34:48

The book says, doubt shall not

1:34:50

steal. Doubt shall not kill.

1:34:52

So if you talking about something y'all

1:34:54

built on a system of morality, don't

1:34:57

go to no, you can't get nowhere till

1:34:59

a bit if it's until you stop it,

1:35:01

do the rhyme. And do the rhyme and

1:35:03

it talks about the 10 commandments and the

1:35:05

10 commandments says, thou shalt not steal. Doubt

1:35:07

shall not motherfucking kill. And therefore

1:35:09

y'all done did those two things. Don't you

1:35:12

tell me Roe versus Wade don't mean shit.

1:35:14

The fuck outta here. Hallelujah. Hallelujah.

1:35:17

I don't want to hear that shit. Free

1:35:19

your land, free your land. Get your minds

1:35:22

right. Hey God, oh my God, I'm free

1:35:24

of land. Get you a relationship with God

1:35:26

and lead the fucking religion alone. Aren't you

1:35:28

glad you came to the Amandaverse? They

1:35:32

didn't get this over there, YouTube. They didn't

1:35:34

get it. I

1:35:39

got two more for you. Okay. Even though you're, ooh,

1:35:42

just a good one. Y'all better come through when I

1:35:44

go action. I know, but listen to ask the dog.

1:35:47

Even though you're known for living out loud,

1:35:49

what are your quiet moments like? Oh,

1:35:52

even though I'm known for living out loud, what are

1:35:54

my quiet moments like? My quiet moments is I'm

1:35:57

one companionship. in

1:36:00

the companion, like, is it just like, we

1:36:02

want to... I want intimacy. I want real

1:36:05

intimacy. I want to a real

1:36:07

person because even though

1:36:09

you're never supposed to not... I

1:36:12

want somebody I can trust. And

1:36:14

my circle is small, but

1:36:18

I don't sleep with everybody in my circle. I don't sleep

1:36:20

with people in my circle. I want to be able to

1:36:22

get in to come home from my job and

1:36:24

talk about the things that has happened to

1:36:27

me and share this in intimate space.

1:36:29

I want to be held. I want to

1:36:31

hold. I don't want to die alone.

1:36:33

You won't. Is there anyone from your past

1:36:36

that you feel had the capacity

1:36:38

to evolve? In

1:36:40

my personal life? If I can go

1:36:43

back? No. Like, if you spun the block

1:36:45

today, that you feel like had the capacity to

1:36:47

evolve? Yes. Because I always tell everybody,

1:36:49

spin the block. As a spin

1:36:51

the blocker, the block is spun down the hall right

1:36:53

now. The

1:36:56

block, the block, the cop, get hot.

1:36:59

I'll

1:37:03

say that just

1:37:05

because I think a lot of us are looking for trust, especially

1:37:07

if you're in the public eye. It's very

1:37:09

difficult to trust someone that you're meeting for the

1:37:11

first time and there's no

1:37:13

real metric to know. And

1:37:16

then you're like, so that means I gotta go through

1:37:18

this with you to find out. And it's like, I

1:37:20

don't know if I even got the time. If I

1:37:22

don't got the time for therapy, I sure don't got

1:37:24

the time to find out if you a

1:37:27

fuck nigga. So you know

1:37:29

what it's like. Girl, you got

1:37:31

to hide your bills in that bitch. But you're not

1:37:33

going to find anybody until you go to therapy. Next

1:37:37

question. I've been cursed. If

1:37:39

you haven't been cursed, it's just that the reality

1:37:41

is that the things that

1:37:43

we want from

1:37:47

someone we have to make space for and

1:37:49

they're like, clutter. Alexa,

1:37:51

play pieces of me. Okay,

1:38:03

last question. What's the

1:38:05

difference between living out loud and

1:38:08

wanting to be seen? The

1:38:13

difference between living out loud and wanting to

1:38:15

be seen is very simple. One

1:38:18

you do naturally and

1:38:20

one you got the force to do because

1:38:23

when you live out loud it just comes

1:38:25

natural to you. But when

1:38:27

you want to be seen

1:38:30

you do everything that you can to be

1:38:32

seen like clout to chase. Yeah,

1:38:36

that's to me what that's one

1:38:38

you always it's the opportunity. How

1:38:40

do I get people to look at me? How do I

1:38:42

make them look at me? Oh you you you make

1:38:44

them look at me. You you do it. You

1:38:47

you make them look at me. Let me attach myself to

1:38:49

do this. Let me start a war

1:38:51

with you so somebody can see me. Yeah,

1:38:55

I go through that shit a lot. I'm

1:38:58

like bro get your own thing. Right. You

1:39:00

attach yourself to be in my enemy. Sister

1:39:04

man I'm finna say this shit twice. Niggas

1:39:07

that be beefing with me online or they try

1:39:10

to rush to find some negative shit about me

1:39:12

so they can blog about that shit and never

1:39:14

talk about the good shit or whatever. You

1:39:16

niggas that's all you niggas going y'all ain't gonna be

1:39:18

in that bubble. Okay, that's

1:39:21

for motherfucking one. Number

1:39:23

two you're not gonna get nowhere being

1:39:27

my enemy except being my enemy.

1:39:30

Three okay the reason why I

1:39:32

don't talk about the men that I have ever

1:39:34

slept with because I don't

1:39:36

need that overshadowing my motherfucking talent. Okay.

1:39:40

Right right don't ever get it twisted. This ain't

1:39:42

what got me here. That's the difference

1:39:44

between living out loud and being seen.

1:39:46

You ain't never seen me on

1:39:48

no place talking about I had whoop

1:39:50

whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop because that's

1:39:52

what you want to be seen. That

1:39:55

ain't living out loud. No. Because if

1:39:57

you was living out loud a motherfucker would know you a bad bitch

1:39:59

and they fucking Living

1:40:02

out loud is letting your spirit speak for you. And

1:40:05

I don't think enough

1:40:07

people understand the difference between that and

1:40:10

wanting to be seen as you yelling. Because

1:40:13

when you live out loud, you don't even have to open your mouth sometimes. Ma'am,

1:40:15

you can walk in the room. Your presence is full. You

1:40:18

see how I walked out on the stage on the, listen,

1:40:20

y'all who don't know, I want smart, funny, and

1:40:23

black. She did! And

1:40:26

I walked out there on

1:40:28

that stage. It was a room full of people. There

1:40:30

was some that knew me, some didn't. But

1:40:32

I... By the end, though. Listen, they would at the

1:40:34

motherfucker. I was like, bitch, I love that. Yes. It

1:40:37

was TS versus the brat. And

1:40:39

TS took the crown. I did.

1:40:42

She is. The crown. And I rap.

1:40:45

I just did. Y'all, the

1:40:47

brat would not rap any of her songs.

1:40:49

So TS said, well... Fuck it. But

1:40:54

that was the difference between... Yes. I didn't

1:40:56

need to be seen. That's just who I am. Yeah.

1:40:58

No, no. We all felt it. Listen, that's it. Shit,

1:41:01

we was up there rocking. We was having a good

1:41:03

time. I don't know how

1:41:05

to do anything else. And we love you for

1:41:07

it. And I love you for it. Because you know what this

1:41:09

girl did? This girl poured into my spirit. I haven't done it

1:41:11

yet. She poured into my spirit,

1:41:13

and she followed up with it. She says, bitch, why

1:41:15

you ain't down there doing stand-up comedy? I said, girl,

1:41:17

again, just like I said, I ain't got time for

1:41:19

therapy. Like, girl, you got that sweet one down there.

1:41:21

It's an open motherfucker comedy show. She says,

1:41:23

bitch, it's naturally in you. Do it. And she made

1:41:26

calls for me to link up with somebody to do

1:41:28

it. It's a difference between just

1:41:30

talking about it and being about it. She was like,

1:41:32

bitch, I'm telling you this what you need to do.

1:41:34

Hold on. Let me call to get you in this

1:41:36

situation. A

1:41:38

lot of you hold these talkers and

1:41:41

be encouraging your friend, but you don't do nothing.

1:41:44

Not the same. Not the same. That

1:41:47

woman said, bitch, you funny. You

1:41:49

did this in the other. This what you need to be

1:41:51

doing. Hold the line, please. Hold

1:41:55

the line. That's

1:41:59

how you p- pour into people's lives. You

1:42:02

don't just give them encouraging words. Oh,

1:42:04

sometimes it's all you can do is give them encouraging

1:42:06

words. But if you, ooh, so you've got me going

1:42:09

here. It's kind of the same way, because

1:42:11

you know I'm a judge on RuPaul's Drag Race. Yeah. It's

1:42:13

kind of the same way I feel about

1:42:16

when the black girls be attacking RuPaul, right?

1:42:18

And this is not to invalidate any of

1:42:21

the black girls experiences on RuPaul's Drag Race,

1:42:23

this is not. Okay. But I

1:42:25

want to say, mother laid

1:42:27

her back down by bringing you to her place.

1:42:29

She laid down her back. So

1:42:32

it's up to you to put your feet and

1:42:34

launch off of her back to

1:42:37

go where you need to go. Okay, yes. We

1:42:39

already know we still live in a world of racism.

1:42:41

Still white and queer. Of course, of course. The fans

1:42:43

and all that shit, you know what it is. But

1:42:46

bitch, everybody don't get mother's back

1:42:48

to jump off. You

1:42:50

got it. Make it work. Figure out how

1:42:52

to make it work. You know it's going to be easier

1:42:54

for a white bitch. It's just natural. Right.

1:42:57

But that's bigger than mother. It's bigger than mother. It's

1:43:00

bigger than mother. It's above her. I don't like

1:43:02

when they be in the public, tearing her up,

1:43:04

I'd be like, I'd be like, y'all stop doing