0:00

What is a couples intensive?

0:02

You hear about these as well as marriage retreats,

0:04

which I basically viewed them as

0:06

the same thing in this podcast. I'll

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share how I define couples

0:11

intensives and why I do them.

0:13

So at that sounds interesting. Keep listening

0:15

and check it out. Welcome everyone.

0:18

This is solving disconnection and

0:20

creating connected relationships for couples

0:22

and parents. My name is Jason

0:24

Polk, and I've worked this exclusively with

0:26

couples as a therapist and coach for

0:28

over 10 years. On this podcast,

0:31

I share my experience professionally. Personally

0:34

and those of our amazing guests.

0:36

My definition of a couples

0:39

intensive is that we are going

0:41

to do. As much couples

0:43

therapy as we can in one

0:45

or two days. It's usually

0:47

for a couples in the brink of divorce or breakup

0:50

that traditional style therapy hasn't

0:52

helped. It's also for couples that

0:54

want a different model, for example,

0:57

traditional therapy. It's usually

0:59

let's meet every week for an hour or so. And

1:02

that can be difficult for some couples in

1:04

terms of time. In terms of scheduling

1:07

and more importantly, because

1:09

it can take longer to have results.

1:12

It's also for couples that. May

1:14

have built up a lot of past

1:17

resentments and hurts.

1:19

And it can take some time for partners to

1:21

really be heard. And acknowledged

1:25

on these past resentments. My

1:27

role. And this is often when I do

1:30

during couples intensive sessions

1:32

is to guide you to,

1:34

to having a productive. The

1:37

dialogue on that. And

1:39

I asked Siri what the definition

1:41

of a dialogue is. And

1:43

I got a couple of definitions and basically

1:45

it's a. Conversation

1:47

between two or more people.

1:50

A discussion between two or more people.

1:53

But the highlight here is that

1:55

we want a conversation between

1:57

two people and that entails

2:00

a speaker and a listener. What

2:02

we don't want is a

2:04

monologue, a monologue

2:06

of past resentments. One

2:09

is if we go on and on and on, we

2:11

lose our listener. Also,

2:13

if we're talking about more than one thing,

2:16

then it can be overwhelming. And

2:18

confusing for the listener. So

2:21

my job is to guide you to,

2:23

to a healthy. Back

2:26

and forth on whatever

2:28

it is that has occurred. Basically.

2:30

So there's a speaker and there's a listener.

2:33

And also we can't just bring a bag full

2:35

of resentments during an intensive. And

2:38

empty it out on our partner. And

2:41

we have to use discretion on this, right.

2:43

We don't want to make it. So we're

2:46

pummeling our partner. But

2:48

if something is really bothering us, it's really

2:51

important that we speak from

2:53

a centered. Respectful place

2:55

respectful, towards our partner. So

2:58

we can really be heard because I've

3:00

seen this in my practice when resentments

3:02

are heard. And acknowledged

3:05

that can go a long way. Well, we don't

3:07

want. From the listener

3:10

is to be defensive or

3:13

say something like, gosh, well you just get

3:15

over this already. Or the

3:17

other side going one down. It's ah,

3:19

why are you with me? I am such a horrible person.

3:21

Basically what we want is acknowledgement.

3:25

And for it to be heard sometimes that's

3:27

enough. You know, you may include

3:29

I'm sorry. Or gosh, that must've

3:31

felt horrible. Whatever

3:33

that is. But we want

3:35

a discussion. On

3:38

the second day of couples intensives.

3:41

How do I do it? I give each

3:43

partner beforehand. A

3:46

dart assessment. Now this

3:48

assessment stands for developmental

3:51

and relational trauma. It's

3:55

not the sexiest title ever.

3:57

Um, it's not like you're going to wake up in

3:59

the morning and be like, oh, that assessment sounds fun.

4:01

Let me do that. But the

4:03

purpose of it. Is too. In

4:06

the presence. And I do this assessment in

4:08

the presence of each partner.

4:10

So it would be all three of us going through it.

4:13

With me guiding the discussion. And

4:15

we examined. And

4:17

discussed your upbringing,

4:20

and this can be a powerful and moving

4:22

experience for couples. And

4:24

the purpose of this is for

4:26

insight. And compassion.

4:29

Into how maybe some of your

4:31

earlier adaptations show

4:34

up in the relationship today. And

4:36

we had this really great quote. In

4:38

relational life therapy, the model that I've

4:40

been trained in. And that is, it

4:43

was adaptive then, but maladaptive

4:46

now, And so it's important

4:48

to highlight and have compassion.

4:51

Of course, those were your adaptations.

4:54

That's how you survived. Psychologically

4:56

emotionally, and even physically.

4:59

And those reflexes today

5:02

at times, show up. Maladaptively.

5:05

And so it's important to be on to examine

5:08

that and pinpoint it. Like,

5:10

it's not that you're fundamentally flawed

5:13

or there's something inherently wrong with

5:15

you. And make sense where

5:17

these are coming from. And that is some

5:19

of the compassion, and sometimes it can be

5:21

very beneficial for the partner

5:24

to hear this. Sometimes it occurs.

5:26

Oh, gosh, I never, I never knew this.

5:29

I never heard you talk about your

5:31

upbringing in that way, that often

5:33

happens during these sessions. And

5:35

when you have this information, when there's

5:38

awareness around it. The next question

5:40

is what are we going to do with it? Right.

5:43

And so the idea. Is to spend

5:45

less time in those reflexes.

5:49

Or we can sometimes say those

5:51

older ego states. Those

5:53

older ego states that get triggered. And

5:56

can we as individuals.

5:58

Begin to form a relationship

6:01

with those younger parts of us. And

6:04

that's where a little bit where the inner child work

6:06

comes in. Or simply being

6:08

aware of it. Again, awareness is so important.

6:11

Maybe we just breathe into it. Maybe

6:13

we're aware it's coming up. And

6:15

we pause. We take a time out. So

6:18

basically what we're doing is we're beginning

6:20

to work with those parts of us that

6:22

don't care about relationship tools,

6:25

right. That don't care about

6:27

the relationship. Like when I'm triggered

6:30

really triggered, I don't care about

6:32

tools and I'm a couples therapist. Right.

6:35

Uh, but what I need to be able to do

6:38

is to be aware of when my

6:40

younger ego state comes online

6:42

would make me want to fight. And be mean

6:44

and be nasty. I'm aware when

6:46

it starts to come up. And I

6:48

get that guy there. Right. I call it

6:50

time out. I am. Maybe I call a time

6:53

out. And I.

6:55

This is something you're open to. I have a conversation

6:57

with that younger ego state. Hey. Oh,

6:59

Jason, I got this. I can talk

7:02

to my wife. You don't need to. Um,

7:04

whenever that is, but it's

7:07

important to cultivate.

7:09

A relationship, whether that is

7:12

a dialogue, inner dialogue. Or

7:15

just taking space or breathing

7:17

or mindfulness. Whatever that

7:19

is. We don't want those parts of us.

7:22

As we say in the driver's seat.

7:24

Because when are triggered, parts are in the

7:26

driver's seat too much at the time.

7:29

As my mentor says. That's

7:32

the part of us that's driving the relationship

7:34

into the ditch. Zoe,

7:37

we don't want that. We want to be in our.

7:40

Y's adult state of mind

7:42

or our centered state of mind. And

7:45

the more we are there, the more

7:47

open we are to using tools.

7:50

And part of the couples intensive, too.

7:52

This run, the topic of tools is

7:55

to provide you two with tools,

7:57

provide you two with agreements, right?

8:00

For example that there's something I want to bring up

8:02

with my partner. How do I do

8:04

that? And we use it a tool

8:07

called the feedback wheel. Which is

8:09

something like, Hey, is now a good time to talk

8:11

and you can say, yes. Or no.

8:14

But if it is a yes, you

8:16

to have the agreement that

8:19

we're going to be intentional about

8:21

this conversation, right. I'm

8:23

going to summon my

8:26

wise adult or my centered part

8:28

of me whenever that is breathe.

8:30

And I'm going to speak in a respectful

8:32

manner to my partner. The share my.

8:35

Feedback. I want to give or to share

8:37

my hurt or an incident

8:40

or an issue that I'm concerned

8:42

about. The share that, and

8:44

then the partner who's listening. Who said

8:46

yes, now's a good time. Your

8:48

job is to listen and stay centered. We

8:51

don't want the inner rebuttal. We

8:53

don't want to be okay. I'm waiting

8:55

for you to be done so I can tell you

8:57

my hurt. And there needs to be a speaker

9:00

or listener. That is one of the tools.

9:02

That we do. During the intensive

9:05

and it's really important. I know it

9:07

can be cliche, but it's really

9:09

important. And also while we're making

9:11

it somewhere, spending less time in conflict.

9:14

It's really important. And I, we

9:16

do this. Uh, during every intensive.

9:19

to remember what makes your partner feel loved?

9:21

And what makes you feel loved? And

9:24

for there to be more connection in harmony

9:26

in the relationship. I encourage

9:29

both partners. To start appreciating

9:32

each other. That's so important.

9:35

And the thing about it. Appreciation.

9:37

Can be sort of easy. And

9:40

sometimes I tell people, especially if there's

9:42

been a lot of resentment, Hey, start with,

9:44

thanks for taking the trash out. Thanks

9:47

for making coffee. And

9:49

the more you can train that muscle.

9:51

The catch your partner doing something

9:53

that's good or something that you like.

9:56

The better. And more deeper. You're

9:59

going to be able to do that in the future. And

10:01

I feel that's really important. So

10:04

that is the gist of

10:06

a one day or two day

10:09

couples intensive. Basically

10:11

what it is one day. It

10:13

is, we're cramming as much, couple of therapy

10:15

as we can. And to one day

10:18

and the purpose is for results.

10:21

For intensives. we do followups

10:23

where you follow ups once a month. Then we're

10:25

going to meet, like, how's it going? And the

10:27

reason for this is let's keep

10:29

the results going. Let us build

10:32

on our momentum., Are you to continuing

10:34

on the right path? Or maybe need

10:36

to tweak this, right? Maybe you want more of this,

10:38

less of that, whatever that is, but

10:41

to keep it going. And the cool

10:43

thing is, I've seen. I've

10:45

experienced results. I'm

10:47

going to share. A quick testimonial.

10:51

So, this is what, the couple who did a two day.

10:53

Intensive. one partner wrote

10:55

to me was we learned more

10:58

in one weekend with you. Then we

11:00

did in two years with our other counselor, we

11:02

definitely learned that talk therapy alone

11:05

was not enough. And we really appreciate

11:08

your approach with usable techniques

11:10

to release negativity, to make

11:12

space and time for a more positive

11:15

and loving relationship. So

11:18

that was a recent one and maybe

11:21

we'll leave it at that. Also, I want to.,

11:23

invite you if this is something that

11:25

sounds interesting to you. Set

11:27

up a call. I'll leave a link in the show notes.

11:30

Also share a link to the couples

11:32

intensive therapy page on

11:34

our website. And,,

11:36

as always, thank you so

11:39

much for listening. Hey

11:41

everyone. If this has resonated with you, or if

11:43

you gotten anything from the podcast, please

11:46

give us a five-star rating and share

11:48

this with someone who could benefit from.

11:50

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