0:09

[Police Radio] Complaints on a 647 at the Virginia Hotel.

0:16

[Officer Steins] Are we rolling? [Officer Holloway] I mean I just put in new batteries.

0:21

[Officer Steins] Is it recording.

0:23

[Officer Holloway] Maybe.

0:26

[Police Radio] Got a call on a 507 down at the Sage Room.

0:29

[Officer Steins] Should we start the intro, or what?

0:31

[Officer Holloway] It looks like the tapes rotating.

0:36

[Steins] I'm Officer Stein's.

0:39

[Holloway] And I'm Officer Holloway. [Steins & Holloway] You're driving in Squad Car 22.

0:49

[Steins] Tonight we're gonna take you on the streets your mama told you not to turn down.

0:54

Tonight we're going to introduce you to a little murder, a little mayhem.

1:01

Holloway tell our listeners what you have planned.

1:04

[Holloway] Well, I mean, I was hoping before we got started we could you know stop by the

1:09

Jack in the Box. They got a promotion on these these new milkshakes.

1:14

They're called Oreo Flurries. [Steins] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

1:17

What are you doing? Your gonna make us sound soft.

1:20

[Holloway] Sorry, I meant to say, We're gonna buy some Oreo Flurries!

1:27

[Steins] Hey, what'd I just say? [Holloway] You don't you don't think that sounded virile.

1:32

[Steins] There's nothing virile about picking up milkshakes.

1:35

[Police Radio] We've got a 374 B in-progress near the abandoned bridge off Mulberry.

1:41

[Holloway] What's a 374 B?

1:43

[Steins] Maybe it's new. [Holloway] I'll just ask her.

1:47

[Steins] W-w-wait, we can't do that. [Holloway] What's the big deal?

1:50

[Steins] Everybody will hear you. I mean we just got upgraded from bicycle cops.

1:54

They just gave us this car. We can't have them thinking we can't handle ourselves.

1:58

[Police Radio] Squad Car 22 please confirm your location.

2:02

[Holloway] This is Squad Car 22.

2:04

We're about two blocks from the abandoned bridge.

2:07

[Police Radio] Copy that. Can you check out the 374B?

2:10

[Holloway] Ten-four. [Steins] Great, just great.

2:14

[Holloway] I didn't have a choice.

2:17

[Squad Car 22 speeds down the road.]

2:22

[Holloway] It shouldn't be so difficult. The only people living under the bridge are a couple of vagrants.

2:28

[Steins] That's it. They want us to break up an underground bum-fight arena.

2:31

[Holloway] A what? [Steins] Don't you watch the news?

2:33

They set up these fights all over the country.

2:36

[Holloway] People watch homeless folks fight?

2:39

[Steins] Nah, rich kids pay the bums to let them kick their ass.

2:43

And other rich kids bet on it.

2:46

I can't believe they finally set one up here.

2:49

[Holloway] If that's the case, they're not going to let us just walk in.

2:52

[Steins] You're right!

2:54

We're gonna need disguises. [Holloway] Turn this boat around.

2:58

We just passed two homeless guys by that burning barrel.

3:01

[Squad Car 22 fishtails as it turns around] [Steins stops the car, and unrolls the window.]

3:13

[Steins] How'd you like to make a little cheddar?

3:16

[Vagrant #1] Wait, what'd he say? [Vagrant #2] I think he wants to give us some cheese.

3:20

[Steins] Look you loan us your clothes and we'll pay you each $5 dollars.

3:24

[Vagrant #1] $5 dollars my ass. [Vagrant #2] Yeah, I don't know what kind of pervy stuff you're into but I ain't giving

3:29

up my threads. [Holloway] It'll only be for an hour, probably less.

3:34

[Steins] Fine we'll pay you ten each.

3:37

[Vagrant #1] Make it 20. [Vagrant#2] What?

3:39

No, no, no, I'm not standing around naked for an hour.

3:43

[Holloway] Here I'll throw in half a Big Gulp.

3:45

[Vagrant #2] Is it Dr. Pepper? [Holloway] Mountain Dew.

3:48

[Vagrant #2] Who mixes brandy with Mountain Dew?

3:51

[Steins] The deal is $20 dollars each and half a Dew, you in?

3:59

[Vagrant #2] You're coming back in an hour?

4:01

[Steins rolls up the window.] [Steins] You better start stripping or I'm gonna keep on driving.

4:05

[Vagrant #1] All right, all right, all right.

4:10

[The vagrants start taking off their clothes.]

4:15

[Vagrant #2] Hey this ain't no peep show, turn your heads.

4:19

[Steins] Just hurry it up. [Holloway] Man at rate the bum fight's gonna be over by the time we get there.

4:26

[Steins] You got some cash on you?

4:29

[Holloway] Me? You're the one that offered them $40.

4:31

[Steins] You know my wife counts every penny I make.

4:34

[Holloway] Fine. [Steins] Here's your cash.

4:38

[Vagrant #1] Man, you got a blanket or something?

4:41

[Steins] Nah.

4:44

[Steins rolls up the window and speeds off]

5:04

[Holloway] Man these clothes smell authentic.

5:08

[Steins] [laughs] It's like the pissed in some mud and rolled around it.

5:11

[Holloway] Or broke into a sewage plant took a swim.

5:15

[Steins] Really, If you think about it, we did them a favor.

5:22

[Holloway] Umm-Hmm.

5:24

[They get out of the car and stroll up the street.]

5:36

[Steins] You brought your gun, right?

5:38

[Holloway] Gun? I brought this bad boy.

5:41

[Holloway pumps a shotgun.] [Steins] Good call.

5:50

[An odd sound echoes in the distance.]

5:53

[Holloway[ What the hell was that? [Steins] Sounded like it came from over there.

5:57

[Holloway] What, from that dark doorway in the side of the bridge?

6:01

[Steins] Come on. Let's check it out.

6:09

[Steins & Holloway march through an underground cave.]

6:13

[Holloway] So what's our backstory?

6:16

[Steins] Say again? [Holloway] Like my bum's name is Leroy.

6:20

And I'm thinking he fell on hard times when his girlfriend left him.

6:23

[Steins] They're not gonna ask us for a resume.

6:25

[Holloway] If I'm gonna play Leroy, I need some motivation.

6:28

[Steins] Yeah whatever. [Holloway] So Leroy's girlfriend, her name's Emily, she left him.

6:36

And after that he just kind of gave up on life.

6:40

Every time he'd looked over at the guest bedroom he'd see the crib, and he'd know that's where

6:47

their baby would have slept.

6:49

I'm thinking... [The odd sound is louder, closer.]

6:54

[Steins] We're getting close. [Holloway] To what?

6:56

[Steins] Some sick shit!

7:01

[Holloway] I can't believe people pay for stuff like this.

7:04

[Steins] That's the difference between me and you.

7:07

I did a semester in college.

7:10

[Holloway] What, so you're more worldly?

7:13

[Steins] No, I pledged a fraternity.

7:24

[Steins] There's a light up ahead. That must be where they've got the arena set up.

7:36

[The odd sound reverberates through the large chamber.]

7:40

[Holloway] What the hell is that? [Steins] It's huge.

7:44

It's, it's like half pig and half squid.

7:48

[Holloway] I think it's looking at us. [Steins] Get down!

7:51

[They drop to the floor.]

7:54

[Holloway] What is it? [Steins] It's like if an eight-foot-tall squid fucked an eight-foot-wide pig.

8:01

[Holloway] Should we should we call animal control?

8:03

[Steins] What? We just got promoted from bicycle cops to real ones.

8:07

You want to be known as the cops who can't handle their shit?

8:11

[Holloway] Okay, let's slowly get up and peek over the ledge.

8:16

[Squid-Pig] [Rattles Chains.]

8:21

[Holloway] Look, it's chained to the wall.

8:23

Someone's keeping it captive.

8:26

[Mad Scientist] Well, I see you have found my radioactive Squid-Pig.

8:31

[Holloway] Hey, didn't your mama tell you, it's rude to sneak up on people?

8:36

[Steins] From the white lab coat to the Glock he's pointing at us, I would gather he's a

8:40

mad scientist. [Mad Scientist] Soon the world will know my wrath, after I unleash my army of giant squid-pigs.

8:50

The world will bow before me.

8:54

No longer will I have to listen to people like you.

8:58

I will be the authority.

9:01

I will be the one in control.

9:03

[Holloway shoots the Mad Scientist.]

9:06

[Steins] Man good shot. [Holloway] I couldn't listen to another second of his socialist BS.

9:10

[Mad Scientist] I... will... have...

9:14

my... revenge.

9:19

I... will... take... over... the... world....

9:24

[Steins shoots the Mad Scientist five more times.]

9:28

[Holloway] Wow, quick thinking.

9:30

[Steins] Yeah, you saw him. He was just about to jump off the floors come at us.

9:35

[Holloway] Commie sucker.

9:41

[Steins] Check it out. The Squid-Pig... It's

9:44

[Holloway] It's it's on the loose.

9:48

[Steins] What's that? [Holloway] I think it's a portal.

9:55

[Steins] To another dimension?

9:58

To a place where other squid-pigs live?

10:03

Populated by tentacles and corkscrew pig tails?

10:10

[Squid- Pig slides into the portal, which closes behind her.]

10:28

[Steins] I guess that's that.

10:30

347 B solved. [Holloway] Man, I could really go for some Jack in the Box, maybe some jalapeno poppers.

10:38

[Steins] Next stop drive thru, milkshakes on me.

10:45

[Credit Music]

10:51

[Narrator] Starring Sebastian Steins as Officer Steins, Nathan Feuerberg as Officer Holloway,

10:57

Martin James Grapengeter as Hans, Pedro Gonçalves as Pedro, Maëlle Jayet as Max.

11:05

Sound Designed by Joshua Holloway, directed by MJG.

11:10

created by Nathan Feuerberg.

11:15

[Narrator 2] Like what you hear?

11:18

Why not subscribe and support shows like Play Date, Squad Car 22, and Flies in the Jar.

11:24

Go to deepdrag.com and join our Patreon.