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thirsty? What

1:28

time you have any type of caffeine that's not

1:30

like from coffee or... What's

1:33

happening? He just said it's a big cup. I'm

1:36

going to turn the bucks off. I do support bucks, but I don't

1:38

want them to get the free items. Starbucks?

1:40

Hot tag to support them. I don't

1:42

know. I don't know. Here's

1:45

the thing, let me say this. I walk in

1:48

and see the pictures that they have on the

1:50

Starbucks walls of like people like picking coffee beans.

1:54

Do they want to do that? The

1:57

pictures. They have like employee of the month. That's what

1:59

I'm saying to. Coffee beans, liz, or what? Yeah,

2:01

no, I'm seeing the pictures that they put, like

2:03

the nice portraits, the black and white portraits.

2:06

And they have all the coffee beans, and

2:08

everyone that's from whatever country have

2:10

all the coffee beans. Oh, I see you. Do they

2:13

wanna be there? No. And how

2:15

much are you paying them? But then you look right

2:17

below, and there's a guy watching VHS porn on a

2:19

Dell monitor. With no headphones. Oh, no headphones. I saw

2:21

a no headphone, I swear to

2:23

God, porn guy on a Delta flight,

2:25

circa maybe two months ago. Yeah,

2:28

first class. So I thought,

2:30

or like monitor, first class. Phone baby, up

2:32

like this. Oh yeah, I saw a guy

2:34

watching Twitter on a flight. If it wasn't

2:36

porn, I don't know what network is airing

2:38

this program. Salt burn. But

2:40

it was way worse than that. It

2:43

was, because at first I just kept

2:45

hearing, I was like asleep, and I

2:47

just kept hearing. And

2:49

so, you know, you're... Let's just

2:51

do a leap of song, bro. Are

2:53

you kidding me? Yeah, what a great thing to

2:56

wake up to. And so I'm like, I was

2:58

half asleep. I was in that tired state where

3:00

you're like... You ever been so very chubbed up.

3:02

You ever been so tired and hard on a

3:04

plane where you're like, if the plane goes down,

3:06

like I'm actually not mad about it

3:08

because I'm so tired, this'll actually, this'll be the best

3:10

way to go. Yeah, I'm used to getting wetted. I

3:12

know that's a dark dot, but sometimes I'm so tired.

3:14

I'm like, I can't even wake myself up if they

3:16

were like, sir, like, you know, you get

3:18

to do whatever you want for 10 seconds because we're

3:20

going down, you know? My first thought,

3:23

if a plane's going down, I go, am I the most important

3:25

person on this flight? Because when that headline comes out, is it

3:27

going to be like, you know, Charlemagne and

3:29

400 others, or is it going to be like YouTube,

3:32

TikTok influencer, Trevor Wallace and 400, or is it just

3:34

gonna, I'm not even gonna make the headline. It's gonna

3:36

be the star of Pterodactyl, Amazon Prime's Pterodactyl. Yeah, Amazon

3:39

Prime, November 14th. Or is it even gonna

3:41

be, am I gonna be mentioned? Wait, now let me ask you this. Great,

3:43

this is a great game, and then I'll get back to the porn guy

3:45

on the plane. What celebs would trump

3:47

you on the plane? Like if you were... So

3:49

many. Yeah, so many. So many. I

3:51

mean, the ShamWow guy, I mean, so many. Bro, I

3:53

definitely was gonna say that guy. You were gonna say

3:55

that? Yeah, I was gonna say ShamWow guy, Rob Kardashian.

3:58

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You

4:00

would get more love than Rob K. I

4:02

don't think so, dude. The name Kardashian, I love

4:04

you, but the name Kardashian, that's gonna

4:06

trump. Yeah, fuck, all right, bad exam. No,

4:09

we would be neck and neck, I feel like. I'd say

4:11

Pat Sajak, but he just retired, so he's got quite

4:14

a bit of buzz right now. I'm not joking, I thought it

4:16

was dead. I have a question. Sajak? Yeah. Do

4:18

we think that if you, all right, if the headline

4:20

was Rob Kardashian and then later on in the article,

4:22

they're like, also Trevor Wallace, do you think people would

4:24

assume that you were, like, your boys were with Rob

4:26

Kardashian? Yes, and that's the worst part of the article.

4:28

You're kinda chill. What's this ever doing with

4:30

a Kardashian? Yeah, you're right. It depends what Kardashian. Where

4:32

is he? Does anyone know? He has a

4:34

child named Dream. No, he doesn't. He

4:36

does, it's like trying to- Bad. Bad.

4:38

Nightmare. Bad Rob Kardashian. Yeah,

4:41

with Black China, they have a child, and I believe it's

4:43

named Dream. You have a child, and

4:45

then you just, he's rich, what does he gotta

4:47

do? I saw Rob Kardashian in China, the story

4:49

gets better. At the Tropicana pool in Las Vegas,

4:51

RIP had just gotten knocked down. That's not a

4:53

real sentence, that's a mad lib right there. Yep,

4:55

that's not real. You said Black China, Rob Kardashian,

4:57

the Tropicana in Vegas? Yeah, so they had a

4:59

laugh factory there, and was doing

5:01

Santa that weekend, and they had tried

5:04

to make the Tropicana pool. It's very 70s-esque, it's

5:06

just like, it's filthy, there's piss and blood and

5:08

cum in the pool. And that's like, but not

5:10

on accident. What's the kiddie pool? They're like, have

5:12

you seen a piss, blood, cum pool? Like,

5:14

they advertised that. There's band-aids, I've been there.

5:17

There's band-aids. There's band-aids, there's fatties, there's- Carl's

5:19

Junior Napkins for some reason. Oh yeah, dude,

5:21

a lot of fast food napkins in Con

5:23

of the Bank. Why was Black China and

5:26

Rob Kardashian- And? In the worst pool

5:28

in the world. Because, well no, so that pool was normal

5:30

to the public, but they had opened a beach club. Oh!

5:34

They were, Tropicana was trying to be

5:36

like, yo, Mandalay, what's up? What's up,

5:38

wind pool for families and adults? What's

5:40

up, excess? What's up, Encore? So

5:42

they opened a beach club called

5:45

the Tropicana Beach Club, and it was the opening

5:47

weekend, we were there, and I want you to

5:49

guess who the 90s rapper was.

5:51

No ice. Keep going, go,

5:53

go- That's all I got. Marky Mark.

5:56

Go Black and go more famous. Black

5:58

and more famous. a rapper. Oh,

6:02

sorry. No, I'm gonna go even,

6:04

go actually go 2000s actually. 2000

6:06

method man. Man,

6:08

he's, I think he was shot a bunch.

6:11

He's got an energy drink. Oh, 50 cent. Boom.

6:14

50 cent is opening the Tropicana Beach Club. That's a big

6:16

game. Huge. So of course you

6:18

know Rob Kardashian and Tana showing up and

6:20

they're there and everyone's going nuts for them

6:22

because of the Kardashian name. 50

6:24

cent is walking through, I had this great video of

6:26

me because he walked through the crowd at one point.

6:30

That might've been it baby. And there's the Tropicana.

6:33

I forget that you can fill up. He's

6:35

trapping me on that flight immediately. I've never

6:37

once had my own VIP at the Tropicana.

6:39

Probably in that photo somewhere. So I got

6:41

black out. Why does black child look AI'd?

6:44

Is that real? Well, I think it's.

6:47

Is she asleep while she's standing up by the way? I don't

6:49

know. Have you ever seen her as some person? It is huge.

6:51

Yes, at the pool. Wow. She

6:53

was floating without upside down on my preservers.

6:55

Yeah. no, that's

6:58

dead. Can you imagine follow up question? If

7:00

you had the cash, and I'm sure you guys

7:02

do, to get some sort of, say

7:04

it again? No, I'm just talking. To wait to do what? No,

7:06

no, no. What's you saying? You go, you guys

7:08

have the cash. I'm sure you do. And I was like, say that again.

7:10

Yeah. Can I borrow 50K? To

7:12

inject your body with something. Where are you going

7:14

first? And not as a bit. Actually, you know what?

7:18

I would give myself a little more ass, dude. I mean,

7:20

back there, it's not. You got no butt. Dude, I got

7:22

dipping dots for an ass. I mean, it's just like. How

7:25

does that happen? I don't know. Parents?

7:28

Bad genetics. Anyone in the Wallace family have an ass? Sister.

7:32

No. Let's pull up a clip. Do it. No.

7:35

Sorry, man. No, it's okay. She has fat

7:37

tits. It's crazy. No, no. My

7:40

sister's got big boobs too. We can talk about it.

7:42

My sister's got a great ass. Fuck, Durtay's probably just

7:44

going to town on those. Big sisters, who? Durtay, my

7:46

white rapper brother-in-law. You got a white rapper brother-in-law? Yeah,

7:48

they have to. What's his name? Durtay. How do you

7:50

spell it? D-I-R-T-A-Y. Shut up, I

7:52

just understood what it was. Durtay, like I'm

7:54

dirty, like Durtay? I don't know.

7:56

No, dude, think about it. What does he put on

7:58

his 401k? What's his government name? Tim. You're

8:01

lying. Tim is, no. Real

8:03

name, Durtay. Tim to Durtay? All his song

8:05

titles is one of my first bits too, because all his

8:07

song titles are like, I'm lost. Is this my life? Should

8:09

I stick it out? I'm like, dude, watch your back at

8:11

it. I'm like, dude, you gotta change the- Give him a

8:13

diary. Yeah. No, give him

8:16

a gun. Sorry, too dark. Yeah,

8:18

give him a gun. He drives the bus now though.

8:20

He went from rapper- He drives the bus? To selling

8:22

weed to construction to driving the bus. That's nice. Shout

8:24

out Durtay. Check out his music on YouTube. Question.

8:27

That's nice. He's got a surprise appearance at the Dr.

8:30

Phil Live Show in Seattle at the Neptune on June

8:32

30th. Yeah, plugged in. It's a surprise, but- They led

8:34

him around kids? They

8:36

led him around kids? He has kids, yeah. No, not a

8:38

school bus. Oh, on the bus. Yeah, a school bus. A

8:41

public bus. A public bus. Although he is, I mean,

8:43

he is good with kids. Can I see a photo of him? Me. This

8:46

guy should have a children's show. If I

8:48

was an ex- Well, let's see a photo of him. Well,

8:50

he's just like, he's kind of like anti-Wiggles. What's

8:53

that? He said anti-Wiggles. Can I

8:55

see a photo of him? Boom. Top

8:57

left? It is, I mean, you got all those. Oh yeah,

8:59

we got a Facebook profile. He's

9:02

shaped up. Your name, like- You're

9:04

now buying a pit bull. Does that check

9:06

out with anybody? It does. Oh, fuck you up,

9:08

dude. I think he's born with a sideways hat. Yeah, yeah,

9:10

yeah. Dude, I remember when we were

9:12

first getting to know each other, I'd see his Facebook

9:14

post and there was a post. Now

9:17

he's a little less active on Facebook, I think just becoming more

9:19

of a family dude. Legal reasons. Legal reasons.

9:21

But he would post stuff like, yo, I want

9:23

pussy I can smell from the kitchen, not from

9:25

the garage. Hashtag, like loving it. For like- Four

9:29

likes, but then like 92 comments from

9:31

all his homies. His page was always active

9:33

with engagement. And here I am being like,

9:35

ha ha ha, you know, wait,

9:37

is this about my sister? You know, like, what

9:39

is this referring to? Oh, he would say that

9:41

with- On Facebook. But when

9:43

he was with your sister. Yes. This

9:46

guy's great. This guy's a legend,

9:48

I love him. I used to say- Also,

9:50

watch my new special live. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

9:52

He's getting clicks. Towing the line between rapper and

9:55

human has to be tough for every rapper, right?

9:57

Cause when you're just out in your day to

9:59

day, you have this tough exterior,

10:01

you have this built-in facade of a character

10:03

more or less, but then you're also like

10:06

a father. You're a wrestler. You're

10:08

a fucking wrestler. So you have to walk

10:10

around consistently. That's gotta be annoying. Like you

10:12

taught my nephew the ABCs, but they got

10:14

up to F and then it was just

10:16

like the N word. Like then he just

10:19

got them as a joke. I'm sorry,

10:21

that was a poorly thought out joke. It sounded funny in my head. Well,

10:23

we saw a photo of him. I mean, it's... He

10:25

said it. My nephew does know most of his

10:27

lyrics. He's

10:30

nine. I mean, he is a

10:32

spitting image. I talk about him a

10:34

lot. My Spotify monthly listeners are someone

10:36

guests. That's how I validate somebody's music

10:38

career. I go monthly. Oh wow. 10

10:40

mil. Let's go. My nephew's

10:42

voicemail who's nine and dirty son, who I also talk

10:44

about my special. Like and subscribe available now on YouTube,

10:47

youtube.com/Adam right comedy. He

10:50

has a cell phone and his phone

10:53

answering machine is Oh

10:56

shit. Oh shit. They're coming after me.

10:58

Oh shit. Oh shit. They're

11:01

coming. I gotta go. To leave a

11:03

voice message, press one. No. Yep.

11:05

Running from the cops at nine. What a gangster dude.

11:07

But I like, I like a good funny voicemail. I

11:10

haven't had one of those in maybe 20 years. But

11:12

that was the whole thing growing up. Like, hello. And

11:14

then you take a beat. They're like, Hey, Trevor, what's

11:17

up? Fuck those people. You actually got my voicemail. Fuck

11:19

those people forever. Thank you. I hated those people. Those

11:21

people can get on a boat and be lowered into

11:23

the bottom of the ocean. Slowly. Get on a bus

11:25

at dirtage drive and drive right into a fucking volcano.

11:27

I don't like it. It's a joke voicemail I like.

11:30

Well, what I used to do was pretend to be like

11:32

some really obscure celeb. Like I'd be like, what's up? This

11:34

is JC Shazza, it's Minzing. You reach out to my cell

11:36

phone. He's not here right now. So leave

11:38

a message. And then my mom would

11:41

call and go, what if Steven Spielberg calls? And

11:43

you're doing some jokey bullshit voicemail. Who is

11:45

Steven? No one knows who JC Shazza is.

11:48

Mom, this voicemail wasn't for you. You're not the demo.

11:50

Well, I don't think it's funny anyway. But

11:53

she thought Spielberg was just gonna cold call. But so

11:55

I would do like. He might. You're right.

11:58

Does anybody have voicemails? anymore where their name

12:00

I think it's just like it's just you've been

12:03

reading the automated yeah I don't know one person

12:05

I've called recently it's like hi you've reached him

12:07

please leave a message after the tone well think

12:09

we know how to work yeah what's the last

12:11

time you've even left a voicemail never oh the

12:13

second I get to the the person done out

12:16

who are these people answering spam calls that's what I want

12:18

to know when it says spam likely somebody's like let's check

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13:34

socks you know what kills me is

13:36

when someone calls me and then texts

13:38

me hey just called you bitch I

13:40

got it I got it

13:42

I know we all know how phones work yeah went

13:44

through I see it I didn't pick up cuz I

13:46

hate you yeah that's it do you screen

13:48

calls a lot yeah I mean like

13:51

don't you look at no oh

13:53

yeah of course I feel like my phone is

13:55

more of a pager than it is just the phone I just wait

13:57

for it to come in and then I just more of a texture

13:59

than call I'm assuming or what yeah, but I

14:01

also don't like texting So

14:04

how do how do we know how are you meeting

14:06

gals out there smoke signal? You know? I don't know

14:08

a voice Bidget girl leave me a voice

14:11

man. I'm out a thing ever no Because

14:14

how am I gonna re-listen to it? I

14:16

was hard what voice? No,

14:18

you just went back so that was just audio porn for

14:20

you. You just went back. Yeah, you got in the flight

14:23

Okay, yeah, but then if you save some of these audio

14:25

message like what that's dangerous real quick Gives

14:28

me do we think That's

14:31

me bro. I'm real that is dirt a is hype

14:33

man right there dude. That's oh you know we did

14:36

see the iPhone

14:38

New 18 do you see this any updates one

14:41

of the updates on the new iPhone you can

14:43

Lock apps and you need face requirement

14:46

like face cool open it cool cool

14:48

So people are doing that for text

14:50

messages thus if you're a man or

14:52

woman has them protected by their

14:54

face yikes Penises ended

14:57

up in different holes that are red Great

15:01

don't like it. What a way

15:03

more difficult time to cheat for sure. Oh, yeah think

15:06

about the show cheaters Yeah, you know all the things

15:08

I had to do they go like to that show

15:10

best show I watch it all the time in this

15:12

I'll go down YouTube rabbit holes of that of

15:15

the guys coming you know the Joey Greco Yeah, I

15:17

think that's who it is right and then there's

15:19

also one if you stay in the rabbit

15:21

hole long enough It takes you down one. It's not as

15:23

fun. It's a little more depressing where they'll go up to

15:25

a guy Outside of his house, and then

15:28

he'll bring his wife out He's like 65 and

15:30

they're like you trying to meet up with some 10 year

15:32

old girl, and he's like I know and they're like Oh,

15:34

yeah, well. What's this? I want to it's

15:36

not it's like a an internet version of it

15:41

Investigators that are just like citizens arrest people and

15:43

they're like hey man We have all these reports

15:45

of you trying to fuck this ten-year-old He's like

15:47

I just wanted to buy a chicken McNuggets, and

15:49

he's like yeah Well you said you want to

15:51

buy them with your cock and I that was

15:53

being funny I like stand-up comedy and listen awesome.

15:55

It's a currency somewhere. It's a currency When you

15:57

just dropped the Wendy's 50 nugget bucket Cock,

16:00

chicken, nugget. I said,

16:02

I'm gonna fuck your tight dick.

16:06

Chicken's a rooster. Roost is a cock. Come on. And then they

16:08

bring, and then he's like, Hey man, we can do this the

16:10

hard way or the easy way. It's like definitely the hard way.

16:12

Cause I'm a perfect. And he goes, let's do it the easy

16:14

way. And he brings out

16:16

his wife and she's just so sweet

16:18

and old and unassuming. And

16:20

she's literally walking out with oven mitts

16:23

on like, I just made fresh blueberry

16:25

muffins for kids. Yeah. And he's like,

16:27

those will be perfect for your husband's

16:29

person. He's praying on. And

16:31

then he has to tell her, and it's so

16:33

sad, but you can't stop watching because she's like

16:35

59 years of marriage. And he's like,

16:38

I hated you the whole time. I

16:40

just like, let me ask you this. Do you think it's

16:42

real? Because all the show. Oh yeah. You think? For real?

16:44

Bro, it's the same way that Michael Jackson doc when people

16:46

are like, those guys were faking it. You can just tell

16:48

man. You can tell, look

16:50

into a human being eyes. I know that

16:52

there's actors, but like, I don't know, man.

16:54

Sometimes it's, you can tell, you can just

16:56

tell. But the show cheaters is the most

16:58

not real show. I don't think that's real.

17:01

No, I think there's a lot of, yeah,

17:03

that's fake. But, but they're going to see

17:05

us audition. Have you heard his cheater story?

17:07

No, no. Had him on my podcast about

17:09

last night and Tony came on it and

17:11

told an amazing story about his first agent

17:13

who was like Bonnie Hollywood.

17:15

She was just the most bullshit cheaters. Just

17:17

like Tony, I got you. She

17:20

got him to be a guy on cheaters. And he

17:22

said, no, no, she got him. He passed and he,

17:24

and she was like, you don't know what you're doing

17:26

kid. You're fucking up. And he was like, I don't

17:28

want this to be something. I smartly

17:31

he declined, but, but he, he's got a

17:33

whole, they had him pay. He describes

17:36

the whole situation. He was like going to be the plant or

17:38

I think he was going to

17:40

break up a military guy who was cheating.

17:43

I don't want any part of that. He's like, do I look like

17:46

a guy that should be breaking up a mill, like telling

17:48

a military guy that we're watching it recently. It was the

17:50

pizza boy that kept fucking somebody's wife and he would just

17:52

show up and she would get pizza day after day after

17:54

day. And they have a video camera and he'd be watching

17:56

me like, but there's no pizza when I

17:58

get home. Where does the box go? It's because

18:01

he's fucking your wife. It wasn't a boy. It

18:03

was a full grown man. Why are you working

18:05

at a pizza place? You're 59. You're

18:08

59 working at Domino's. 59 working at a pizza place, literally.

18:10

I love that show. Can you imagine actually, like here's the

18:12

thing about, like we've all, have we all been cheated on?

18:14

No. No. That

18:16

we know of. That we know of. I have

18:19

hunches. Were you ever in long distance relationships? Yes.

18:22

That you were cheated on. Was that? Yeah. I

18:24

mean, that's just how I put it to you. 100% no. I mean, I

18:26

was in two and know I was cheated on. At the

18:28

same time? You were in two

18:30

relationship at the same time? No. Black, shiny,

18:33

and rock, or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

18:35

No, at two different long distance relationships.

18:37

But the last one, she, we

18:39

met in LA and then she went to New York to

18:42

be in the NBC page program. And

18:44

then NBC page program? So

18:46

basically you, she was like bouncing around at

18:48

NBC, working, seating

18:51

for Conan, working as a PA

18:53

for SNL. Just

18:56

give you a bunch of different jobs until you land on one

18:58

and you start your career. She fucked

19:00

Michael Che. She probably fucked everybody. She was, she, at

19:02

one point she goes, it's like I'm waiting up to

19:05

talk to her. And she's like, I'm

19:07

in an SNL party. John Stamos was talking to me. I

19:09

gotta go click. And I'm with my buddy and he goes,

19:11

he's probably inside of her dude. Let's go to the lab

19:13

factory. And so we would go to, and that's when I

19:15

started like doing Santa more. And then she moved

19:17

to Reno. She got a news reporter job and

19:20

she went to Reno and

19:22

she was so depressed. And I'm like, yeah, you went to

19:24

LA, from LA to New York to Reno. I kept trying

19:26

to get her to move. She's from San Fran, like back

19:28

to San Fran. Maybe I'd go up there for a bit

19:30

or come to LA, pull out. And, and

19:32

which is what the guy didn't do. And so then

19:34

she met, I remember

19:36

going to Reno and meeting like all the news crew and she was

19:38

like, you know, 24, 24, 25. Can

19:42

I ask you a cool question? I'm so sorry to interrupt you. How long,

19:44

and you guys were together the whole time? We

19:46

were together the end of college,

19:49

like I'd say December on,

19:51

so the end of 2005 through now 2006. So

19:57

when she was in LA, New York, and then Reno, you

19:59

guys were together the whole time. Yeah, I would fly. I would

20:01

try to work the universal studios as a tour guide

20:03

and Wolverine and hosting the fear factor live show And

20:05

I would take all my checks and just fly every

20:07

other weekend to New York Holy and I'd be there

20:09

and I'd be being Wolverine just so you'd fly to

20:11

New York. Yeah, isn't that crazy? That's not a true.

20:13

I mean actor. No, I want to be loved bro,

20:15

and she and she lived in a She

20:18

lived in a in Park Slope and this

20:20

like, you know Upstairs

20:23

and you had to walk through her room to get

20:25

to the middle room And

20:27

then another room in the very back so her

20:29

roommates were constantly walking in us They saw every part of

20:31

me to the point where I was like, I'm not even

20:34

gonna wear clothes You guys have seen it all you've seen

20:36

all my moves. Yeah, and And

20:44

so and so then she said I

20:46

meet the camera guy that she ends up banging and His

20:49

name was Jeff I'll say it cuz I made a Song

20:51

about it and animated it and put it on YouTube. He

20:53

ended up seeing it and commenting on it being like this

20:55

is hilarious I was like the world is like let me

20:57

get a feature on this Let me yeah

21:00

And so I remember shaking his hand you

21:02

ever just like he was 30 and

21:05

he was the only guy Relatively in her age range.

21:07

Everybody else was married in their 50s and I remember

21:09

just shaking his hand being like You're

21:11

gonna fuck her. I just knew and then she's

21:13

like it's a passing of the baton. Yeah Yeah,

21:15

not a good one. She was a real good.

21:18

Yeah, she was what's that? We shaking hard Yeah,

21:20

yeah, I knew yeah, I don't like those

21:23

guys dude took advantage. Well, she was sad.

21:25

He took advantage Yeah, yeah, but I mean

21:27

also handshake strength. Where are we at? So

21:31

ten so ten like Navy SEAL get off the

21:33

fuck off my hand and where were you at?

21:35

Too hard is overcompensating Yeah, it's like it's it's

21:37

Trump years Yeah,

21:40

that's fine, right yours Give

21:42

me a room to be honest. I was thinking about it too. That's good.

21:44

What do you think about it? What was your first? I don't know. Show

21:47

me your first. I have nimble hands. I think we missed it Great

21:50

what's wrong with that? Nobody I think you and I I think we

21:52

missed it, dude By

21:54

the way, this is porn for Mormons. Oh

21:56

my god. This is a lot of straight guys shaking

21:58

hands the worst is I You're

22:00

talking about so I gotta shake my hand really

22:02

hard, but I didn't get the heat pre he

22:04

pre came on it Oh, and so he got

22:06

just fingers dude. You might as well delete my

22:08

number if you shake my hand just fingers Right,

22:11

but he caught he caught me he closed too

22:13

early Yeah, he got a little premarital on it

22:15

and now he's just shaking for limp fingers How

22:18

do you feel when a lady goes like this to

22:20

you? She puts her in your hand fucking do unless

22:22

she's a dame no no you say she wants you

22:25

to kiss the hand Yeah, no I went Comedy

22:28

soreness sure okay, you know

22:30

you're entirely your opinion wrong I

22:32

I'll met some lady the laugh actor ever show of

22:34

laughing a comic store after a show she literally goes

22:37

I go hey Whatever whatever it is Stephanie and she

22:39

goes like this to me To

22:41

kiss it to kiss. She hot is that like

22:44

a next-gen thing was she how young is she?

22:47

25 I don't weird weird is that like it so so

22:49

go like this to me And I'll show you guy what

22:51

I did so like this and I go or other hand

22:53

please and I go like this cool Nice

22:56

to meet you Somebody

23:01

does this and they put the hand right here yeah

23:03

put it on the back right there I don't

23:05

don't you're not a you're not a princess move.

23:07

No you're not Huh

23:09

don't touch me. What do you mean? You're shaving handle

23:11

and do that in the back? This

23:14

one's I'm gonna do that as a guy though, but

23:16

I'm funny as a guy yeah But

23:19

this is so like I'm above you kiss me

23:21

no Michael's nice to meet you kiss it you

23:23

graduated from Tish Can graduate fucking like yeah, yeah,

23:25

yeah, you know special. We never finish like my

23:28

the porn guy on the Celebrity

23:30

you think would trump you on a flounder your

23:32

both yeah, so he's sitting there, and I wake

23:35

up and once I see just Dark

23:38

visuals I think that's probably what he

23:40

was hoping would let him off

23:42

the hook was that you couldn't really see it But it

23:44

was so loud, and I look at

23:47

first just once I I wake up, and I'm like

23:49

that's definitely point I can just here is this like

23:51

a one-hour Chicago four hours, okay? Okay,

23:55

he watched six to grow with one cup

23:58

and good how long is I wouldn't be

24:00

surprised. You seem like a guy that appreciates

24:02

the length of a certain

24:04

film. What's that? 62 minutes?

24:06

No way. No way. Two hours long, cub.

24:08

We're not talking about the same video. Bro, monetize that and

24:10

put that on fucking Showtime. That

24:12

is a good spot. 62 minutes? 62 minutes? What if

24:14

it actually is four minutes and the other half is

24:16

like Air Bud Five, like deleted scenes.

24:18

And it's like 50 minutes. Well, what if she's just constipated for

24:20

the first like 50 minutes? She's like, I can't do it on

24:23

camera. They're like, come on, you guys. I'm like, I'm gonna do

24:25

it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do

24:27

it. I'm gonna put in the same video.

24:29

I'm still going to put the same video on the screen, but it's still

24:31

going to be a little bit different. So like, we can't do it on

24:33

camera. We can't do it on camera. And they're like, come on, you got

24:35

it. It's them coaching her up. Yeah. I'd like

24:37

to see the audition. I'm going to stop myself right

24:39

there. No, we'll pull it up. We have it. The

24:41

audition outtakes for that. Like the people they didn't. Can

24:43

you imagine? It's not real poop though. I'm very few.

24:46

Is it not? No. Dude, it's not fucking

24:48

long. No, it's just not real poop. Watch yourself, dude. Santa's real

24:50

and that poop is shit. We

24:53

talk about it on the show. It's not a chocolate. What?

24:56

Is it confirmed? Yeah. So there's a,

24:58

the guy that- Why are you talking about jerking off the chocolate?

25:00

The guy that produced it eventually got

25:02

arrested for making the videos, I guess.

25:04

Yeah. We'll come back to no shit. Yeah. That

25:08

was his whole thing. It was all just like poop videos,

25:10

but he would just do it with chocolate. I guess so

25:12

he could, he did. Wow. We

25:15

could build a fan base. By the way, again. What are

25:17

we in letdown? I'm hardly mad about that. That's the one.

25:19

First thing about it, dude, poop is finicky. It's like, it's

25:21

like trying to film with animals. You don't know, you don't

25:23

know what's going to happen. Okay. Okay. All

25:25

right. You know what I mean? All

25:27

right. You got my vote. Now, what is- Michael

25:30

Boston for president in 2024. What is it like?

25:32

Real shit. God damn. This show is sponsored by

25:34

BetterHelp. This year has gone by so goddamn quick.

25:36

How was that already in the summer? I don't

25:38

know. with new year's

25:40

resolutions and I think that number one resolution should be

25:42

whatever makes you the happiest. And you know what makes

25:45

me happiest? What? Is talking to

25:47

somebody about my problems that's unbiased, which is

25:49

what therapy is. Therapy is incredible, dude. It

25:51

gives you the skillset, the emotional skillset. You

25:53

need to just move forward and understand, you

25:55

know, the positives and negatives of life. It

25:58

just, it also helps you put relationships. your

26:00

fricking family, your best friends. It's just highly,

26:03

highly beneficial to be the most efficient and

26:05

happy adult that you can be. Yes,

26:08

dude. So if you're thinking about starting therapy,

26:10

give BetterHelp a try, dude. And let me

26:12

tell you a secret, it's entirely online, okay?

26:16

It's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to

26:18

your schedule. So you don't gotta go wait in

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traffic, sit on like maybe an uncomfortable therapist love

26:22

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26:25

therapist love you? Why? Just wake up, put on

26:27

a pair of pants. If not, who cares? And

26:29

just have therapy online. It is so convenient, it's

26:31

awesome. And let me tell you something, if you

26:34

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26:51

visit betterhelp.com/socks today and get 10%

26:53

off your first month. That is

26:55

better, h-e-l-p.com/socks. I mean, this guy

26:57

thinks a milkshake is a drink.

26:59

So he needs betterhelp.com. This

27:02

guy. Oh,

27:07

God damn. So he's watching

27:09

porn on the flight. He's watching porn on the flight,

27:11

no headphones. I start to look

27:13

around. Are you behind him? I'm behind him, I'm two

27:15

rows back. That's good. If you're in front of him,

27:17

you gotta do one of these. Totally, so I got

27:20

up and then walked kind of down the road just

27:22

to confirm. And you're a retin-art. I go to the

27:24

bathroom. Pants had come off at that point, I

27:27

was asking for a Sprite. And then I looked down and

27:29

he was getting, he was like, lean back. And he was

27:32

kind of like doing, he was kind of like, almost like

27:34

he was listening to music. He just was like bobbing like

27:36

this and holding up, not even trying to be inconspicuous, just

27:38

right here. And so I walked by and I kind of

27:40

looked back and I'm kind of hanging

27:42

for a minute and kind of like loitering. Cause it

27:44

wasn't that clear. And then all of a sudden it

27:47

was just one, just fat

27:49

black asshole, which is

27:51

the name of my next special. But the new one right now

27:53

is like, and subscribe, streaming now on YouTube. Is

27:56

this all just to plug your special? If

28:00

this was, I would thoroughly enjoy it. I don't think

28:02

there was a man watching porn at all. I had

28:04

this show locked in for the Tonight Show, but I

28:06

didn't get the call. Yeah, this is gonna be my

28:08

couch interview. Yeah, yeah, yeah, three girls, one guy. So

28:12

then I'm looking around, I'm like, get the fuck out of here. And

28:14

then once I see it, and I'm like, all right. So I go

28:16

bathroom, finish off, and then go back to my seat. And

28:18

at that point, people are now starting to kind of

28:21

like, like, I just see people like

28:23

looking around, then I see people like talking to each

28:25

other. And then somebody flags down the flight attendant, and

28:27

she goes over, and what

28:29

do you think the protocol here is?

28:31

Probably like grabbing the phone, like taking

28:33

his face and going, what

28:36

are you doing? Like, but she just goes, excuse me, sir,

28:39

can you turn that down? Turn it down. That's

28:42

nuts. Turn it down, not turn it off. Can you just turn the

28:44

stuff out of the way? Turn it down, and he goes, oh, oh,

28:46

oh, so yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry. And then in my eyes, I was,

28:48

he seemed like the type of guy that was gonna be like, I

28:50

mean, you sure this is the best part? I mean, this is where

28:53

they both go in. This is where the other guy shows up. You

28:55

should get me some headphones and some for you too. And

28:57

so he just turned it down and continued to view. But

29:01

I couldn't hear at that point. Do you

29:03

think that the person that told the

29:05

stewardess that it was porn, or do

29:07

you think she interpreted it as like, oh, it's

29:09

just a person watching Netflix loud? Decent question, because

29:11

maybe it was, yeah, maybe it was just the

29:13

volume. Maybe the stewardess didn't even

29:15

want to assume or couldn't hear that it was

29:17

like, yes, fuck my face. Where was she? Yes,

29:20

fuck my face. And she's like, oh, I bet that's Devil Wears Prada too.

29:22

Yeah, that's a good one. So there was someone

29:24

sitting next to a gentleman, or was it a single? Where

29:28

was his other hand? Was he like trying

29:30

to get something down there going? I wasn't searching

29:32

for it. It seemed like it was just like

29:34

this situation. I think a gentleman that's watching porn

29:36

on a plane that in everyone's face, I don't

29:39

think it's sexual. No. No. Yeah,

29:41

he looked like he was studying it for like. Yeah, it's

29:43

like he watches that in an episode of Ripley. Like it's

29:45

like all the same to him. Yeah. So

29:49

that was wild. Celebs that would trump me, I mean,

29:51

you know, where do you start? So many. So

29:54

many. I guess I'd say the

29:56

one that I'd, how about one I'd love to be

29:58

on the plane with? When he

30:01

goes down? Yeah. Okay. Well,

30:03

here's the thing, because I'd love to be featured in the

30:05

headline with. Of course. Like I always loved

30:07

the, like a Mary fuck kill, you know,

30:09

hat trick of who's who and why are they there together?

30:11

Yeah. So let's say it's like, but then some of the

30:13

people I want to say, they'd probably be flying private. So,

30:16

but I'd say if it was like me, you

30:19

know. Yeah. What's some cool ones? Tony

30:22

Robbins, I think would be cool to be on a plane with. Just

30:24

because I'd love to see him like just devour

30:26

the in-flight meal in one bite, you know. He

30:30

does have a massive head. Massive head, huge mouth. Wow. Yeah.

30:33

What a combo. I would want Denzel Washington on

30:35

it because I feel like he could fix the

30:37

plane not going down. Yeah. You know?

30:40

What a bummer for some of those people that are on

30:42

a flight with an actor who's been in a movie. Like

30:44

Tom Hanks, if they're on a flight with him and it's

30:46

going down, they're like, save us Sully. He's like, hey, dumb

30:48

fuck. That was a film. A lot of CGI. Well,

30:51

then do something, Gump. Yeah. Yeah.

30:54

Somebody's up on the front. You

30:56

fucked Jimmy with HIV. You can't save a plane.

30:58

Anybody on Top Gun. You're

31:00

like, somebody help. You fly planes. I was riffing

31:02

up there. Yeah, I was riffing. I was riffing

31:04

up there. I don't know. Hey, man, that was

31:06

a green screen city that Tom Cruise will

31:09

never not make action movies. I

31:12

think we're going to see an 80 year old Tom

31:14

Cruise still jumping out of

31:16

planes. I really saw him break

31:18

his ankle in like Mission Impossible

31:21

18 or the fuck their number they're at. He

31:23

broke his ankle during the stunt and

31:26

then kept going through

31:28

the camera line because he knew that that take

31:30

was it. With a broken ankle, still

31:33

got up from the thing and ran through it. Wow. Still

31:36

does his own stunts, yeah? Oh yeah. Bro, I

31:38

sprained my ankle getting out of an Uber pool and

31:40

this guy's fighting underwater. It's wild. Well,

31:43

dude, I stubbed my toe and my day's over. Yeah,

31:45

I know. It's a wrap. What is he

31:47

doing that for still? Just to be like, at the rear? I think

31:49

he's an adrenaline junkie. Yeah, yeah. I think when he jumped on the

31:51

couch on the Oprah show,

31:53

which is like, I guess the clip, that

31:55

and the alien Scientology stuff and then maybe he's

31:57

gave it. There's a lot of other stuff that people go.

31:59

He's a fucking. jumping on the couch,

32:02

like whether that was like, you know, strategic

32:05

to kind of be like, look, the marriage is

32:07

real. I'm in love with Katie Holmes. I think

32:09

he truly is just like, can't sit still. And

32:11

he was like, what would be a crazy thing to do right now?

32:13

I'll fucking double on a couch. And then he fucking, you know. I

32:16

don't know if I've ever seen that. What is it? Oh, dude. It's

32:18

Tom Cruise on Oprah. Cause everyone said Katie Holmes and

32:20

Tom Cruise. You don't follow like kind of Slub Gossip

32:23

like that, do you? Not really. I appreciate that. I

32:25

follow like the dumb ones. It'll be like, what's Addison

32:27

Ray up to lately? And I'm like, I don't know.

32:30

I don't know. She's rich now. You leave, you

32:32

make your money, you fuck off, and you marry Rob Kardashian. 1000 million.

32:35

That's not the one you marry. Cruise

32:37

was partnered up with Katie Holmes in

32:39

a quote unquote staged

32:42

arranged marriage. Yes. Because

32:44

they were like, he just had, um, shit. I

32:46

don't know if there was negative press, but it

32:48

was, it was to, I don't know.

32:50

And boost her. It was like, she was Dawson's Creek

32:52

and not really doing much else. What

32:54

a great collab. What a great collab, dude. I should start

32:56

doing that. That was the original Instagram collab, which is fake

32:58

marriages. There's so many of

33:01

them. Which still happen. Fake girlfriends, fake, it's

33:03

all, yeah. So then Cruise,

33:05

Oprah's like, you're really in love, huh? He's like,

33:07

are you fucking kidding me? And then he just

33:09

jumps on the couch. Like a, like

33:11

a true insane person. I'm actually happy. Could we get audio

33:13

on this or no? There we go. 35

33:15

seconds. Yes. There we go. Look

33:18

at this shit, dude. It's worth seeing, dude. I got an ad

33:20

on this. Of course. But

33:24

yeah, dude, I think when you see some of these

33:26

80 year old guys just crushing it, you're like, yeah,

33:29

you don't think Cruise has all the

33:31

money and facilities to. There

33:34

he is. There it is. All right, I guess that was, was that it?

33:36

Cool. In our collective memory, it's like he was jumping on

33:38

that couch for eight minutes. He was doing it for like eight minutes. Yeah,

33:41

yeah, yeah. Can you go back, please? He was like, jump around a lot.

33:45

Oh, here it is. Boom. Pretty

33:47

cool. That was it? Dude, in my brain.

33:49

That's something like my cousin who's like nine would be like,

33:51

you want to see that trick? And I'm gonna do that.

33:54

All right, now what? Kids are so good at that. My nieces, when

33:56

they were like, they're in a 14 now, and

33:58

by the way, in high school. It's so fucking wild.

34:00

They go, I go, you guys doing any acting? You

34:03

doing like drama? Is there drama

34:05

in your school? And they're like, yeah. There's

34:08

a girl who's like apparently giving hand jobs in

34:10

the bathroom. I was like, I met like Shakespeare,

34:12

high comedy. Are you doing plays? They're

34:15

telling me about all the fucking, it's wild, dude.

34:17

I want to pull them out and homeschool them.

34:19

That is a drama class. But do

34:21

you remember, I remember my friend Alex was the first

34:23

guy to get head out of our friend group. It's

34:25

a big deal. Yeah, I mean, it was viral. It

34:27

was like when viral before viral was mouth viral. Literally,

34:29

mouth viral, went around the school. But everybody was

34:31

talking about it. And then when we saw the girl,

34:34

we're like, whoa. She's the man.

34:36

You're starstruck. She's had this. Yeah, I

34:38

mean, we was TMZ. We saw the two, they were like

34:40

talking in a corner like by a table and I'm like, they're

34:42

probably talking about blow drops again. Oh my

34:44

God. That same mouth. The first couple

34:46

that fucked, the

34:49

first couple that had sex in our school. Every

34:51

single time I saw them together to echo

34:53

your voice. Oh, they just finished fucking. Oh,

34:56

that's so cool. They can go to the bathroom and fuck. That's

34:58

all they're doing. It's so cool. It's all

35:00

they're doing. They did it once. Yeah, who were the,

35:02

do you remember the people for you that were the

35:04

first ones? Yes. I've told this story before,

35:06

but I remember the guy, this guy did anal with this girl. This

35:09

guy did anal with a girl and she took the next day off because

35:11

she was like. Yeah, that's a lot.

35:13

High school anal. He was older,

35:16

he wore denim and with no boxers. Jesus.

35:18

He was a really cool guy. This guy's in prison

35:20

right now. He had like

35:23

a beard level like you have right now, but like as a

35:25

ninth grader, like bearded up. It's

35:28

always those guys. It's the guys that see more

35:30

adults. Our guy was a guy named Jesse Mose,

35:32

who sadly, R.I.P. dude. Yeah, there's

35:35

some fallen soldiers from high school, too much

35:37

ass, but he wore a wife beater in

35:39

the seventh grade and he walked around. He

35:41

had a real goofy, he was a real

35:44

skinny slender, like anybody walked around like. Cartoon

35:46

kind of walk. Cartoon walk. And I remember

35:48

being so just unaware

35:50

of what cool was in seventh grade

35:52

and I'm like, if this guy's fucking,

35:54

I'm like, is that what girls are

35:56

into? So I started walking to class.

36:00

in high school. He's trying to replicate why people have sex mick.

36:02

How do they do it? I gotta follow the formula. That's why

36:04

I had gauges in high school. There was one guy, I was

36:06

a sophomore, he was a senior. He played on a football team,

36:08

he had gauges. His name was Ed, and he had gauges, and

36:10

girls were like, oh my god, Ed's in our class? He was

36:13

a senior in class with sophomore, he's a fucking idiot. Wow. But

36:15

he had gauges, and I was like, I need to put a hole in the ear now. Did

36:17

you do it? Yeah, I still have holes in

36:19

him. Wow. And you know what, I

36:22

put him in, and guess who cared about him? Not

36:24

women, it was only guys being like, do your smell,

36:26

doesn't it hurt to resize and get bigger ones? Not

36:28

one chick was like, I wish you could fuck my

36:30

holes like that, it didn't work at all. Stupid dumb.

36:32

Trevor trends. Dude, I had a Honda Civic with two

36:34

12s in the back, and gauges, I was looking for

36:36

pussy. Let's go, what were you blasting in that Honda

36:38

Civic? Waka Flaka, no hands. Gotta

36:41

wear a moment. Fucking humbly. Dude, everyone that

36:43

was getting the most vagina in my high

36:45

school all played varsity basketball, and every single

36:47

game day, they would wear the jacket. So

36:49

dude, I was like, yes sir. You were

36:52

asleep to school? Oh, yeah. In

36:55

my head, I was like, if I don't fucking get

36:57

one of those jackets, I'll shoot up everyone.

37:00

Someone get me on this fucking team. And

37:03

yeah, when I was a junior, I

37:05

fucking made it. When I wore

37:07

that jacket, I was like, oh, my life's

37:09

over. My life's over, I did it. You

37:11

peaked. Yeah. You definitely peaked. It's

37:13

over. Did you guys play football in high

37:15

school? I played freshman year in high school. And how was it

37:18

having a girl wear your jersey? Did you have a girl wear

37:20

your jersey at school? Because that was- Yeah, the jacket. Yeah, the

37:22

jacket. Holy shit, if a girl wore your jersey, I

37:25

mean, the whole school was like, damn, they probably for sure

37:27

do hand jobs after this. The quarterback got the principal to

37:29

wear his jersey with no shirt, and so her tits were just,

37:31

I'm joking. You had a

37:33

cheap principal with hands? But we did have

37:35

a teacher that was banging some of the

37:37

kids. That was always a thing.

37:39

We didn't know. Isn't that wild? We had a sub

37:42

that was doing it. It's always the sub. The sub

37:44

was like, I ain't gonna be here long. I'm a

37:46

substitute. Yeah, I'm getting paid $35. Someone

37:49

come in my mouth. Someone give me pussy, yeah. And

37:51

so, which was

37:53

a weird way to start a math class. But

37:55

so Mary Kayla Turner was the first

37:57

one in Seattle. Do you remember her? The

38:00

first one that was basically put, not

38:03

Seattle on the map, but put teachers and- She's the first teacher

38:05

in the map. It was her and Nirvana. Those are the two

38:07

things that put Seattle on the map. It was about that time.

38:10

It was something, Villanuevo, the kid

38:13

was 12 and

38:15

she was like, you know, 41. You

38:17

mind pulling this up, Gabe? They've made Lifetime

38:19

movies on air. So it's a wild story. Cause

38:22

it got national news attention. That's big back then,

38:24

yeah. It was huge. And I remember like

38:26

being- What'd she teach? Head. Pedophilia? It

38:28

might've been, dude. Yeah, it was six grade. And

38:30

this kid was a cool ass sixth grader. I

38:33

mean, I think he had a little stubble and

38:35

I definitely like, yo, is the eye before sea

38:37

except after let me eat your pussy? Like, I

38:39

don't know what he said, but like they hooked

38:41

up and then she went to jail. By the

38:43

way, married happily with three kids. Not happily. Ooh.

38:46

Wow. Ooh. So that

38:49

husband, imagine getting that call. Oh my gosh. You cheated

38:51

on me with a kid playing hopscotch? Yeah, dude. So,

38:54

you know the kid that Haggisacks in your backyard? Well,

38:57

he's also fucking your wife. And

38:59

so then she goes to jail and then he comes

39:01

to visit her in prison and they bang while she's

39:04

in jail. The 12 year old

39:06

legend, dude. And she gets pregnant and they

39:08

have the kid. And I think

39:10

they're not divorced. Yeah. What?

39:13

That's the deal with teachers. Imagine having a

39:15

son that's 12 years younger than you. Dude,

39:17

you're the homies. You're boys. I

39:19

mean, that's the thing too is where I go. Picking up from the bars,

39:21

I'm hammered. He goes, I'm fucking hammered too. Yeah. I

39:23

mean, you're a cool kid. You have to be a

39:26

cool ass kid to get a teacher to throw it

39:28

all away for you. I mean, you know what I'm

39:30

saying? Or you're just a straight

39:32

up psycho. You're a bad person. Yeah. I'm putting

39:34

it all on him. Hey, sorry. Hey, man. Sorry

39:36

for being such a cool fucking D-Day. He was

39:39

playing with a tech deck and she's like, oh,

39:41

those fingers. I wonder what else they could do.

39:43

Something, yeah. Something. Something was not happening at home.

39:45

He must have been hot. I mean, let's give

39:47

him some credit. He was definitely hot. I think

39:49

so. There's no way he was like average. I don't think

39:51

any teacher is fucking a nerdy kid, right?

39:54

No. Yeah. No.

39:56

This guy was playing football at fucking recess. He throws

39:58

a goddamn. And then the woman was like, oh my

40:00

God. He threw a dart and looked at her. Oh

40:02

man. We need AI teachers. Why do we have an

40:05

adult teaching kid? Can you imagine at recess, he threw

40:07

a nerf like one of those whistling ones? And

40:10

maybe or somebody threw it to him and they caught it with one hand and

40:12

just looked at him and went, and she was

40:14

like, and that's what I knew. That's what they knew.

40:16

I knew the way. He knew the capital of Montana.

40:18

I saw him roll up with his hands behind his

40:20

back and I knew he could eat something else. Oh

40:23

my God. I mean, that's a crazy thing to say.

40:25

But AI teachers, I'm all for it. AI

40:27

teachers? AI teachers. How do you feel the fucking post

40:29

should pay attention? The only reason I got

40:31

through high school was there was a few

40:33

teachers with boobs. Okay, now I'm in. Yeah,

40:35

it's an Alexa with some tits. Yeah, my

40:37

first teacher was literally hot. The only reason

40:40

I went to class. God damn. Bitch, my

40:42

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40:44

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42:05

damn. Oh my God. Oh gosh, you saw it.

42:07

Who's your hottest teacher growing up? Mine was Miss

42:10

Saffron. She taught Saffron. Saffron, that sounds fucking hot.

42:12

Yeah, I'd free you. History and a swim teacher.

42:14

Wow. Mrs. Kennedy. Miss Kennedy.

42:16

Bad. She had this curly

42:18

hair dude. Ooh, Miss Frizzle. That smelt like fucking,

42:20

like a rose bush. You got that close to

42:22

her? Yeah, dude, because she was a counselor. Oh

42:25

no, I'm a psycho. I need to sit down with you.

42:27

Dude, I, oh dude, I, yeah. Oh,

42:29

oh, I would get in trouble on purpose just so I could, I

42:31

mean, I would go to the principal, but then just, I would have

42:33

to go talk to her. Oh darn

42:35

it. And then she started fucking, she

42:37

married my coach, my basketball coach, Firis.

42:39

He was a hot guy, so whatever. Mad.

42:42

I was literally upset. Like I'm not gonna, dude, she

42:44

was so hot. People you love get married that don't

42:46

even know you exist. You're like, man, what the fuck?

42:48

Oh, and I was like, when I was in third

42:50

grade, I invited Miss Robish, my third grade teacher to

42:53

my little league game. And she brought her boyfriend and

42:55

I remember being like, I don't remember telling you there

42:57

was a plus one. And

42:59

she fucking shows up with this dude. And I was

43:01

legit at 10 years old, like, what the fuck? How'd

43:04

you play that game? Horrible, so nervous.

43:06

You saw him just so in your head though? Struck out,

43:08

off on the field and off the field. You

43:11

look over and he's just like, boo. Tiny Deglooza.

43:13

You know who's gonna home run? Me and your

43:15

girl. Oh my God, yeah, dude. She, she was

43:17

the shit. And then in high school it was

43:19

Mrs. Holbert. She was a Spanish teacher. And

43:22

she was just, I mean, like you said, like, I

43:24

mean, she was, and, and she also, I mean,

43:26

she was a dope teacher and I kept in

43:28

touch with her for a while after in

43:31

college. Well, she was just cool, but she was

43:33

married to this cool Japanese guy that was, that

43:36

was a rumor for a while. And then he showed up to class one

43:38

day and we were like, get the fuck out of here. We're like, is

43:40

that, is that Mr. Dude,

43:42

when two teachers started. Oh no, I was

43:44

just gonna say, anyone that came inside the

43:46

school that was like a husband or a

43:48

wife. So they show up, yeah. Or like

43:50

a mom. Or like, what's going on here?

43:52

Didn't like it. Yeah, hated it. You'd

43:55

be like, you're dating this bitch. She was

43:57

cool too. Cause she let me do for Spanish. to

44:00

do presentations. And so I did

44:02

a, I would always do this for a lot

44:04

of classes where I would try to make a video. Like

44:07

my buddy and I took over our sophomore year. They

44:10

had our sophomore year, they had a, they

44:12

put in TVs in all the classrooms and they

44:14

had a group of seniors for the leadership class

44:17

do SCNN, right? Shortcrest was our

44:19

name of our high school. And so Shortcrest news network.

44:21

And it was basically every Friday for like four and

44:23

a half minutes, they broadcast into the every classroom, like

44:25

to start every day. So like, hi, but all people

44:27

that weren't funny, just high school seniors that were like,

44:29

dicking around and they're like sit at a desk and

44:31

like, today we have a, there's a school dance on

44:33

Friday and there's a football game and make sure to

44:35

go get your ASB card. We had the audio version

44:38

of that, yeah. So we have, so it was video.

44:40

And my buddy and I are watching this and I'm like, dude,

44:43

it's the, there's a TV show for four

44:45

minutes and they're awful. So that was our

44:47

freshman year. So sophomore year, they graduate. Yeah,

44:49

there's no campus, it sucks. It sucks, so

44:51

we, and they would go to like. Put

44:53

on ridiculousness. Yeah. They go into.

44:55

Six point nine, what the fuck? They'd

44:57

go into the parking lot and be like, you know,

44:59

20% chance of rain. And then somebody would dump water on

45:02

somebody and you'd hear them laughing in the background. That's great.

45:04

That's not bad. That's not bad. Come on.

45:07

But there was an opportunity for

45:09

real comedy. So my buddy and I took it over

45:11

and made it a two, so we just showed two

45:13

goes one cup and Schindler's list every Friday. And

45:16

so then we took it over and by senior year, it

45:19

was a 15 to 20 minute

45:21

sketch show that was aired every

45:23

morning and some teachers would not air it because

45:25

they're like, this is 20 to 30 minutes of

45:27

class. And it was us doing like to introduce

45:30

a football game. I bought all these wigs and

45:32

stuff and did like this whole sketch where it

45:34

was like, I'm the new football coach. And

45:37

we did all this thing with the football players. And we did,

45:40

for one thing we had this kid who was like,

45:42

he was a kid that would eat anything, jump out

45:44

of trees. His name was Brent Donner. And he got

45:47

into a tree and jumped about 30 feet from a

45:49

tree onto the ground in the bushes. And

45:51

basically we started off, we go, well, there's a, there's

45:53

a science code meeting at four. And just so you

45:55

remember, Brent's gonna jump out of a tree and then

45:57

the camera pull back and you see him just fall.

45:59

and hit the ground and go, and he go, oh,

46:01

fuck. And we all just start laughing, and then we

46:04

transition to like the next thing. And so it was

46:06

that, and it was great, and they still do it

46:08

now. But that's- This was ridiculousness,

46:10

before ridiculousness. Thousand percent. Yeah, kind of doing like

46:12

SNL stuff. And then when you started doing that,

46:14

were girls in the hall like, hey Adam. Have

46:16

to. Great presentation today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was friend

46:19

Donner getting some pussy off that? Friend Donner was

46:21

hooking up with everybody. That's good. Oh my god.

46:24

It's crazy what guys would get chicks

46:26

with in high school. There

46:28

was a kid, this kid, Taylor Jensen, redhead kid.

46:30

He like, he always flipped his hair. He would skate

46:32

and smoke weed, and his parents like didn't really care.

46:34

They were like, yeah, do whatever. He

46:36

had so many chicks by just being

46:38

high. It was wild. Just like- They

46:41

wear shoes? They'd be, probably, yeah, but no

46:43

socks. But like him being high,

46:45

girls, but he's playing hard to get. No, he's just

46:47

high as fuck, wondering if he's a gopher or not.

46:50

He's playing hard to get. He doesn't know if you're

46:52

a gummy bear or a girl. He's just sitting there.

46:55

Wow, yeah, those guys were so, I

46:57

couldn't even fathom that you could- You could kick

47:00

flip, you could get pussy. It was crazy. Yeah,

47:02

we were trying so hard. My high school that

47:04

would sketch in a corner had very few friends,

47:06

but women would think he was hot because like

47:08

the mysteriousness of him just like sketching. It's

47:10

like, motherfucker, he's biting the heads off the fucking pigeons.

47:13

You're gonna fuck this guy? It was such a problem.

47:15

I mean, you still see that to this day. You

47:17

see a guy at a bar and he's just reading

47:19

a book and a very crowded bar. You're like, what

47:21

is going on here? So this is not the optimal

47:24

place you're reading. The bartenders,

47:27

the bar that I would bartend at in New York,

47:29

my buddy would come and he was like

47:31

a writer. He would come computer out writing,

47:33

but know that he, but in the middle

47:36

of like a fucking crowded ass bar, and

47:38

then girls were like, sound like, what are you writing?

47:41

And he'd be like, oh, my memoirs, and just get

47:43

pussy. He's writing, write for his booth, for his telephone.

47:45

Literally fake writing. Yeah, fake writing.

47:47

Good for you. That's a good idea. I must have been

47:49

doing that. How long did you bartend for? Probably five

47:52

years. When I met you, were you doing that out there?

47:54

No, you were doing comedy full time. I was doing comedy

47:56

full time. Yeah, I just. I think

47:58

so. Yeah, I just, it was. We met

48:00

around about the time that I just stopped.

48:03

But yeah. Bartender. Bartender, sorry. Bartender, yeah,

48:05

yeah, yeah. Was it, you probably

48:07

graded it, right? I was very good. Yeah, yeah,

48:09

yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was, that was, I mean,

48:12

obviously besides comedy, like that was my most fun

48:14

joke too. Whoa. You bartend? No, but

48:16

I, when I was- You feel like a bartender, I

48:18

mean, in the best way possible. Like I think you

48:20

would crush it. Oh, I appreciate it. I mean, I

48:23

do, I love shooting the shoot with people and I

48:25

think the bartending part of it, I think would have

48:27

been tough for me because I worked at Albertsons in

48:29

high school, customer service. And I got my, I got

48:31

tested patience wise with just people.

48:36

So I don't know if I could wait on people, because

48:38

like I'd work at the customer service booth, people would come

48:40

in and I was just some dickhead 17 year old. They

48:42

would always kill you with kindness, but I had no problem

48:44

calling you out if you were a total fucking asshole. Some

48:46

woman came in, we had an A plus soda

48:48

machine outside. There was like a off brand of

48:50

soda in Washington state. A plus soda. It was

48:52

not good. Poor people drank it. I drank it.

48:55

Was that? Nothing. Not an ad? It's

48:57

not around anymore. We're not plugging them. Turn

49:00

that cup around. Turn that cup around. Turn

49:02

that cup around. And so this woman comes

49:04

in and she drops about like 15 lemon

49:07

limes, right? They don't even have Sprite, right?

49:09

And she drops them down and she goes,

49:11

I just spent $11 in quarters trying

49:13

to get lemon lime or trying to get root

49:15

beer. And this machine, this crap machine kept giving

49:17

me lemon lime. I want my money

49:20

back. I go, first of all, that

49:22

is, that sucks. I'm also a root beer guy

49:24

over lemon lime. So the fact that you didn't

49:26

get what you desired on this hot Seattle day,

49:29

I'm not a fan of. I'm gonna do everything in my power

49:31

to turn the situation around for you. That

49:33

being said, did you maybe think that like $6 in

49:35

quarters, you weren't gonna get root beer today? And she

49:37

goes, are you calling me stupid? I go, I'm just

49:39

saying you spent a lot of money. You wasted a

49:41

lot of time. You have a lot of sodas. You

49:43

knew you weren't gonna get what you desired. And then

49:45

she fucking brings the boss over. He freaks out. Another

49:47

guy came in with meat that was, he

49:51

said there was a green patch on it. He's like,

49:53

I want my money back. And I was like, dude,

49:55

green patches on meat is fucking wacky. That's of course,

49:57

we got you. Hand me the meat pack. He's

49:59

like, well, no. Oh, we ate around it. I was like, well

50:02

then you can, sure. That's not how- The sticker

50:04

for the price. Yeah. 1999,

50:06

he's like, what the hell is this green shit? Oh yeah, dude.

50:08

I have a question. What's a check

50:10

from the Barbie movie look like? I

50:14

don't know. How many lines did you have in that?

50:16

Because I auditioned to play one of the frat guys.

50:18

The cast said a much, much, much, much hotter guy

50:20

than me. Impossible, you're hot. Debatable, debatable, dude. Thank you.

50:22

Who was it? I don't know, there's two rollerblader guys.

50:24

Two frat guys? Oh yeah, that

50:26

cat caller, right? Yes, yes, yes. Before

50:28

they seen where the cat- They cat

50:30

called- They're rollerblading. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa,

50:32

did you watch it? No, I didn't. I

50:34

was on strike. I was like, yeah, you don't put

50:36

me in your movie. I'm not watching. I showed them

50:39

fucking billions of dollars later. I mean, the residuals bump

50:41

me this shirt. No. Whoa!

50:43

And you too can look like you were featured in the

50:45

Nickelodeon documentary. And it

50:48

was not my, I don't know. Was

50:50

it like a day rate and then residuals after? I think

50:52

I'll get some residuals, yeah. I think I have, yeah, a

50:54

little bit. Yes, fake. Not crazy, but-

50:56

Nah, it'll be fine. I mean, so it was, it really was

50:58

about- I'll make him say the number. It was about 10 to

51:00

12 lines. Oh!

51:03

And then it got chopped down. Oh! So,

51:05

yeah, which was, that was crazy because I was going back and forth with,

51:08

I mean, it was wild. They are both so hot, by the

51:10

way. Can you warn anyone? I mean, if given the chance to

51:12

sleep with one of them, I'd be like, can

51:14

you give me the night to- To think about it.

51:16

To think about it. Yeah. Gosling was

51:18

just so cool, which didn't even blink when I talked

51:20

to him. In between takes, myself and

51:22

the other cop were making them laugh so much that after

51:24

one of the takes on our coverage, Gosling just goes, he's

51:27

just like, you know how he breaks on SNL?

51:29

He's like, I'm watching him like doing that. And Margot Robbie's

51:31

like, cause we were doing all this silly shit. I think,

51:33

get a camera on him for, I'm doing crowd work here.

51:35

Totally. Totally. I'm clipping this. And afterwards he just claps and

51:37

he goes, And then in between takes,

51:39

I'm talking to him. And he's like, so you do a, you

51:41

do comedy? I was like, yeah. And he's like, that's cool, man.

51:43

And I'm, and he's, you know, asking all these questions, being

51:45

real kind and just like staring right at me and to

51:48

where I'm just like, dude, if you don't blink, I'm just

51:50

gonna, I'm gonna finish the job right here. And

51:57

then I go, I'm going to make this cover for my

51:59

special. And he flinches. and he goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, no,

52:01

no, not cool. And I go, oh, sorry, I was joking.

52:03

I definitely wouldn't do that. I just, not even out yet.

52:05

I haven't even shot it. I was just saying, and he

52:07

goes, yeah, dude, dude, this picture, this outfit, dude, it came to

52:10

be out there yet. And I was like, oh, I was

52:12

just joking. Yeah, fuck, I'm so sorry, Ryan Gosling. He's like, hey,

52:14

it's all good, man. Just please do not post it. I

52:16

was like, you call him Ryan Gosling, full government name? You have

52:18

to. You can call Ryan your act. Full government name, Ryan Eli.

52:20

I just wanna call him Ryan. Hey, what's up, Ryan? Can't

52:22

do that. It's illegal. I think he has shot. You can't do

52:24

that. You can put

52:26

it on your special. Probably would've, yeah, I mean, yeah,

52:29

dude. I mean, I still should've used it. And then

52:31

just for the drama, and then he hits me up,

52:33

dude, what the fuck. And then, you know, he blogs,

52:35

and then he starts a blog. Who's starting

52:37

blogs in 2024? Ryan Gosling. So

52:39

in the movie, they cut the scene down

52:42

from like three and a half minutes to like a

52:45

couple shots. So it's two lines. You see me

52:47

as the cop for one of them. So I

52:50

guess that's cool. But the sound engineer hit me

52:52

up on the grandma and was

52:54

like, bro, there's like nine different versions of the scene. I just

52:56

wanted to let you know though, it's hilarious. And I was like,

52:58

oh, thanks. Cause we had kind of, you know, chummed it up

53:00

during some ADR and I

53:02

go, oh, that's cool. I go, well, then I think I'm gonna post about

53:04

it. He's like, yeah, the whole scene's in there. I go, all right, cool.

53:07

If that's worthy for me to be like, hey, I'm in the movie or

53:09

whatever. And then I

53:11

go to the midnight screening with my wife and some homies, and we're

53:13

sitting there and I pop on screen. And I go, here we go.

53:15

And two seconds go by and I go, and there it was. And

53:19

it was just really, really quick. Yeah, I almost want

53:21

to watch it first by myself, just so I know

53:23

how much can I hype this? But bro, the amount

53:25

of things that like, I mean, I'm

53:27

sure you guys can attest to this. Once you're around

53:29

here long enough, and I think I've been out here

53:31

maybe, or at least like in, you

53:33

know, even since college, like the

53:35

things that like are promised or

53:37

are gonna happen or about to happen.

53:40

Everyone's got their, you know, chunk of stories like

53:42

that. So it really didn't phase me. Cause I

53:44

was like, yeah, fucking all right. Still got the

53:47

VA, but- You get a screenshot,

53:49

you got a photo of them. But also- But

53:51

sometimes when you're shooting, they're letting

53:53

you go. Sometimes I want to turn and be like, are

53:56

you guys gonna use any of this? Well, no, selfishly- Cause I'm

53:58

giving you goals. That is what it's selfishly I was just like.

54:00

Oh man, it wasn't what I, the

54:02

funniest stuff that we did wasn't in there. So, so

54:04

she was like, yeah, you were hired

54:06

not to fill space. You were hired to be funny

54:08

and add something, which is even in a small part

54:10

like that, at least I think so. And

54:13

I know the woman who cast me, so the woman

54:15

who cast is Alison Jones, and she

54:17

has Office, Curb, Veep, and

54:19

every Apatow, Paul

54:22

Feig movie. And so she just gave

54:24

it to me. And so I was like, all

54:26

right, so there's a built-in understanding of like, fucking

54:28

make me look good. So

54:30

to not have them use any

54:32

of that is like, but also fuck dude. I mean, dude, I

54:34

know so many people that have been cut out of shit where

54:37

it's like, oh man, whatever. It makes me feel any

54:39

better. I was on an MTV2 show. It doesn't. On

54:41

episode 11, and they only made it to episode two,

54:43

and then I got contacted, so. What was the show?

54:45

Wait, was it the, It was like. Of course you

54:48

were on an MTV2, was it dating? Wasn't it like

54:50

Under the Sheets or Undercover? Wasn't there a, wasn't there

54:52

a, No, it was. High school show where they were

54:54

all fingering each other in a fucking Quiznos. What was

54:56

it? No, it was, what was the show called? I'm

54:59

trying to think about what you're thinking about. There

55:01

was an, it was Undeclared? Undeclared.

55:04

That was an appetite show. You did parental control?

55:06

Huh? Undeclared was an appetite show. I think

55:08

that was like freaks and geeky. But do you guys remember parental

55:10

control? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were on parental control. Your boyfriend's, no,

55:12

no, no, no, no. But just segue.

55:15

They would be like, her boyfriend's a piece of

55:17

shit. Now we're gonna have 50 dudes audition to

55:19

plow our daughter. You remember this? And they were

55:21

into it. I do. And it

55:23

would be in a warehouse in like downtown, and dudes,

55:25

this is how horny the world is. Dudes would line

55:28

up on a Saturday. Just line

55:30

up for the chance to go on a single date.

55:33

50 guys, they would interview the parents, and be like, what

55:35

makes you a good candidate? Well, I can do a somersault.

55:37

I know how to draw that. How big is your dick?

55:39

Yeah, yeah. And then the boyfriend would have to watch the

55:41

date on the couch and be like, they're not gonna kiss.

55:43

They're not gonna kiss. And then you kiss, you'd be like,

55:45

fucking whore. I don't even want her. You

55:47

wanna fuck Darlene? Dude, I'm sorry

55:49

to end the podcast early, but can we pull

55:51

up the entire season of this show? That sounds

55:53

unbelievable. You don't remember this? It's unbelievable. I do.

55:56

It's coming all back, but I never saw it. I used to have a bit on how

55:58

great it was. It was such a niche moment. where it's like

56:00

MTV crushed their programming for a solid amount

56:03

of time. Oh my God. It was so

56:05

good. 16 and Pregnant was not a funny

56:07

show, but it was a solid dick. It

56:11

was riveting. Riveting. Next. Next.

56:13

Next was great. There was this whole like era

56:16

of this kind of like dating. Room

56:18

Raiders. Room Raiders. Oh, that's not good. Pit My

56:20

Rides. Pit My Rides. What was the one where

56:22

they walked in the house? Hey, this is my

56:24

house. What was that shit? Cribs. Cribs.

56:26

I mean, dude. They had the best programming. I mean, what do

56:29

you always call it? I would love for the longest time if

56:31

Mike thought it was called Hey, this is my house. I could.

56:33

I had the worst memories of tires and shit.

56:36

It would just open the door. That show too

56:38

was like the first taste of like celebs because

56:40

now there's like Vanity Fair or something

56:42

died. There's always these videos where like celebs will,

56:45

you know, show a 10 minute thing. Architecture. Architecture

56:47

died just whatever. But yeah, Cribs was like the

56:49

first. It was always just some, Wasn't

56:51

it pre-social media too? Yeah, yeah. So it's not like

56:54

you could just do an Instagram Live of Rob Kardashian

56:56

in his two bedroom. It was like, it was. Two

56:58

better than at least two for his wife's ass.

57:00

I mean, dude, some of the houses were wild.

57:05

There were like legendary ones. Oh yeah. What was

57:07

that one where they did, wasn't it like Wu-Tang Clan that

57:09

like did their like trap house or something? Do you remember

57:11

this? Yeah, I think somebody did one that was like a

57:13

joke. Or there was rumors that people would rent a really

57:16

nice house for the day when they were doing that. But

57:18

if they came to me right now, I would definitely be

57:20

like, cool, who's my richest friend? How do I borrow a

57:22

house for a day? And why is there photos of Dylan

57:24

Francis everywhere in your house? Oh my God. I think I

57:26

would do the opposite, wouldn't you? That's like

57:28

a joke. I would do like a bouncy house.

57:30

They have, MTV has a whole YouTube channel called

57:32

MTV Vault that has all of this fucking shit

57:34

I've done. Really? That catalog is

57:37

worth so much. Did they also have, well

57:39

they had punked. Punked,

57:42

he was on an episode of punked. Let's go. He

57:44

was on the same episode with one of the Kardashians.

57:47

Who'd you guys punk? Miley Cyrus. Thank

57:49

you, Miley Cyrus. God damn. Some

57:53

people just know the best rate for you

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Yum, yum, gotta get some.

58:31

Made with real fruit, real

58:33

juice, and real energy. Who's

58:36

thirsty? I

58:38

used to go to the improv all the time. Really? Yeah,

58:40

so there many times. I saw Miley Cyrus there in the

58:42

same night and walking Phoenix and then

58:44

went to the comedy store and met Brian McKnight

58:46

and Nelly was in the back. Separately by the

58:48

way. I want to meet Brian McKnight. Oh it

58:51

was cool. It was just as cool as you

58:53

think it was. That's right. And

58:55

Nelly was in the back and with

58:57

Chris Spencer. Bandaid? Bandaid on the eye. Good for him. Wow. And

58:59

I asked him. You just want to touch him. What's up? Yep.

59:02

And I asked him if he'd do my podcast and he was

59:04

like, man I'm going through some financial troubles right now and I

59:06

was like, dude we don't

59:08

have to talk about that. And then he gave me his email and

59:10

then I think about it. Email? I almost like giving people email. I

59:12

always go for email. Really? That's so smart. If you don't want to

59:14

talk to somebody. Because

59:17

number though, fake number is so easy to give out.

59:19

Oh yeah. Email so that you have to stop

59:22

and think and then you can be like you

59:24

can suss out quickly if it's bullshit or not.

59:26

Right. I think anyway. Wow. That's a good point.

59:28

Yeah. I met Andre 3000 at the Laugh Factory

59:30

once. Really? And he was in the crowd and

59:32

I. A lot of random people love just going

59:34

to shows. Bro out here? Yeah. Yeah. There's one

59:36

that's Timothy Shileman and Kylie Jenner. Yep. That's wild.

59:38

And then they left before I got on. So I

59:40

was like cool. There goes my fucking moment to be

59:42

the next Shileman. Dune 3. Put a weird thing in

59:44

my nose. You could do it. Yeah.

59:47

You could. Audition. You and Tim

59:49

in any movie. I'd watch you know I'd watch a movie if you were

59:51

like his like older brother coming back

59:53

from college. I don't know what the story is,

59:55

but like he's shallow. May

59:57

doing something where he just life isn't going according to.

1:00:00

He's trying to fucking, he's not as cool. He has to move

1:00:02

back from his older cousin, and he has to sit on the

1:00:04

couch, and he has to figure his life out, and you are

1:00:06

kind of his sensei. And you're living in like what, like a

1:00:08

frat hat, like a big house with

1:00:10

a bunch of dudes? Like a bungalow type thing. Maybe

1:00:13

like tech guys, or like. Yeah. Yeah, you're like an

1:00:15

energy drink guy? Yeah, we're trying to come out with

1:00:17

a new energy drink that's like a kombucha and makes

1:00:19

me madder all. You're like all promo, and you're the

1:00:21

face of the company. But maybe you're actually getting into

1:00:23

a lot of money trouble, and he says. Tim, are

1:00:26

you hearing this book me right now? This is Silicon

1:00:28

Valley. Silicon Valley, same thing. Hold

1:00:30

on. Yeah, dude. That's beautiful. And Shall

1:00:32

Make It Passes Brothers for sure. You think? Yeah. Yeah,

1:00:35

but you're hotter than them. You signed close. Whoa, yeah

1:00:37

dude. No way. Yeah, dude.

1:00:39

Yeah, dude, ego boost. Yeah, there's a lot of people that randomly,

1:00:41

you'll be about to go on stage, and they're like, hey, Mike

1:00:43

Tyson in the crowd, you're like, why would you tell me this?

1:00:45

That's a cool one. Tell me after. I don't ever. Tell

1:00:48

me after. Do you want to know? Fuck,

1:00:50

I got told once when I'm a. I'm a mom

1:00:52

and dad, but God damn it. Don't tell me. I know, don't tell

1:00:54

me. I don't want to know. I'm a fan there. I

1:00:57

saw that night. They was like, they were both photos. Yeah,

1:00:59

they did a bunch of photo shoots with them. And there's

1:01:01

about 50 people. It was a comedy juice show, 10 p.m.

1:01:04

And right before I go up, somebody goes, no pressure, but

1:01:06

Paul McCartney's here. I go, hey man, all the pressure. And

1:01:08

so then I go up, I turn things up a notch

1:01:10

for sure. And then I get off stage.

1:01:13

You know, a lot of Beatles material, you know, I'm just

1:01:15

riffing here. It all about, hey man, is there any Beatles

1:01:17

here? I'm not gonna say that. Strawberry fields, I'm glad that

1:01:19

you're here. Ringo star, what about the planet? What about Raspberry

1:01:21

fields? And so what about the what? The Ringo

1:01:24

planet? He's gonna

1:01:26

drink from their head. And

1:01:28

so then I sit down on the back and I walk by

1:01:30

and I go, I got to walk by Paul to make sure

1:01:32

that he, I want to give myself the

1:01:34

opportunity for him to at least like see me. So I

1:01:36

walk by the, to the back door of the Improv, the

1:01:38

main room, and he's sitting on that seat right

1:01:40

in the back, like that's to the right of the door. And

1:01:43

so I walk up by and he taps me and goes, I don't mind him. And

1:01:45

I look over and he goes, great sir, very

1:01:47

funny. He goes, sit down, you want to have a

1:01:50

drink? No. That's what I got. Swear to

1:01:52

God. You look over and he's like, ah fuck. So

1:01:55

funny. Literally the worst possible option. And

1:01:57

so then I sit down and I love you Mark. And

1:01:59

so I sit down. And

1:02:01

I go, I can't believe I'm sitting here, man.

1:02:04

He goes, what are we having? I go, dude, I'll drink anything.

1:02:06

I'll do anything to you. I'm very vulnerable right now. And

1:02:08

he kind of laughs. And then, yeah,

1:02:11

in that case, let

1:02:13

it be. And then he- You got a

1:02:16

little yellow submarine for you. There's so many

1:02:18

sexual beetle puns sometimes to make. I

1:02:20

think we're all just racking our brain right now. Just

1:02:23

help, you know? And so then

1:02:26

I go, I don't know, man. And he goes,

1:02:28

let's get margaritas. I go, dude, you

1:02:31

could have said, let's drink our own piss. Let's

1:02:33

fucking do it. So we get margaritas, these big

1:02:35

ass margaritas. He goes, what are we chasing to?

1:02:37

I go, to be in best friends forever. And

1:02:39

he goes, what else? And then smiles really big.

1:02:42

Like, no, like not that. And so then

1:02:44

I go, I don't know, man. He goes, I'm about to live

1:02:46

in a groovy life. I'm making a great night out of it.

1:02:48

And I go- Yes.

1:02:51

While somebody else is on stage, he goes, I have the best time ever. Like, what

1:02:53

are we chasing to do? He's like, I'm trying to do my setup here. Totally. Oh,

1:02:56

someone's on stage? I

1:03:00

can probably find the lineup somewhere. Could you imagine like your

1:03:02

bombing interviews here, Adam Ray and Paul McCartney having the best

1:03:04

time ever in the corner? Hey guys?

1:03:06

Yeah, there's no way. And I wish it would have

1:03:08

been, I mean, that would have been palsy if somebody

1:03:10

did call us out. Hey, Paul, John,

1:03:12

shut the fuck up or whatever. Just trying to do

1:03:15

my setup here. So I can maybe join the table

1:03:17

after. Wow, yeah. And so- What was

1:03:19

that? Oh, so we get the margaritas, we cheers.

1:03:21

And then they're leaving and

1:03:24

I go, we go out to

1:03:26

the back and I go, Paul. And we would walk out where

1:03:28

they are and he's getting his SUV. And

1:03:30

he's got this tiny little, I think his manager, British

1:03:32

man with him, a caricature of a

1:03:34

British guy. Like he was like, Paul's got all the shit in

1:03:36

the front. I'm like, I'm going to the back of the chair.

1:03:38

He's from Cincinnati. Yep. And

1:03:41

I go, hey man, I go shooting

1:03:43

my shot here. But you got 20 minutes in the morning

1:03:45

for us to come by and do a pod. Cause we

1:03:47

ended up talking with him for a little bit after the

1:03:49

show. And he was so cool and so not

1:03:52

a beetle and just really made us comfy.

1:03:54

And so then, and he goes, oh, we got to go

1:03:56

to Shanghai in the morning. And I leave at 10 AM

1:03:58

and I go, dude, we'll come by. I

1:06:00

deleted it. But I

1:06:02

got a story kind of like that. I don't

1:06:04

know if I've said it on this podcast somewhere

1:06:06

else, but I saw the comedy store, maybe like

1:06:08

2015 posts, like secret surprise, smoking headliner. They always

1:06:10

say that when they say that, it's usually Chappelle,

1:06:12

smoking, blah, blah, blah. Me and my buddy go,

1:06:14

it's Christmas Eve. Did I ever tell

1:06:17

the story? No, no. It's Christmas Eve and

1:06:19

it's in the belly room. It's Chappelle. Norm McDonald opened the

1:06:21

show. Wow. Norm opened the show. He didn't, he just went

1:06:23

up there, no like, hey, how you doing? He just goes

1:06:25

up there and starts being Norm. And the crowd is like,

1:06:29

what's going on? It was Norm, Tony

1:06:31

Hinchcliffe. I want, I'd forget somebody

1:06:33

else. And then Chappelle, Chappelle does like an hour. Everybody

1:06:36

leaves. For whatever reason, I'm the last person, me and my

1:06:38

buddy are the last two people to get our checks like

1:06:40

paid for. So we're just waiting there. All the lights are

1:06:42

on and I see a cigarette on the stage. And I

1:06:45

go, that's a fucking Dave Chappelle cigarette. And

1:06:47

I go, I'm gonna take this. Always.

1:06:50

What a cool thing to have. Totally. I'm gonna wear

1:06:52

it on my neck. So I take

1:06:54

it and then I go home. And I put it in

1:06:56

my pocket and I put it in this plastic joint roller

1:07:00

container. But this is where it's so

1:07:02

fucking dumb of me, right? For

1:07:04

whatever reason in my head, I wanted to

1:07:07

remember that this cigarette was from Dave Chappelle,

1:07:09

as if I have other cigarettes. So I

1:07:11

take a Sharpie and

1:07:13

on the cigarette, not even the

1:07:15

case, I write Dave on the

1:07:17

cigarette. As if I

1:07:19

forged his own autograph. So

1:07:22

somewhere out there, there's a Trevor Wallenstein, Dave Chappelle

1:07:24

cigarette. Kind of cool. I

1:07:26

think it's still at my parents' old house. But

1:07:28

yeah, it's like, why the fuck would I sign

1:07:30

that? I like

1:07:32

that story. It's unique. I really like it. It's

1:07:35

unique, man. You don't have it anymore. I still

1:07:37

do somewhere. You do, yeah. But the things that

1:07:39

my parents- What is your guys' most prized comedy

1:07:41

possession? And not like a

1:07:44

special, something that is similar

1:07:46

to that. That you took from a club or that

1:07:48

you- Probably that. Wow, really?

1:07:50

I used to take a lot of the improv lineups when

1:07:53

I first started going there. You'd be mind blown.

1:07:56

You went on the same show as somebody, but to have

1:07:58

your name printed as one of these massive- Yeah, man. Oh,

1:08:01

I have one frame from the laugh factory that was a Kevin

1:08:03

Nealon, his

1:08:06

new material knife. And it was me,

1:08:08

Larry David, who popped in, Jay

1:08:12

Leno, Conan, and maybe

1:08:15

like Fraser Smith or something. And no,

1:08:17

and somebody, and it was just, but Larry David was enough for

1:08:19

me to be like, what? But

1:08:22

then Conan's never there, and Leno's never there. It

1:08:24

was just wild, yeah. That's incredible. It's

1:08:26

something actually as cool as this. I

1:08:28

just have this, I

1:08:31

remember my first night that I barked in

1:08:34

New York. I still have, they

1:08:37

give you like a color-coded, like you're the yellow

1:08:39

flower guy, you're the blue flower guy, whatever. And

1:08:41

I remember I was a red flower guy the

1:08:43

first night, and so I kept one of the

1:08:45

flyers. And so I still have it in this

1:08:47

like old, old, like comedy, comedy notebook that I

1:08:49

have. And so it's just like, and

1:08:51

I've, it's funny you bring this up, I

1:08:53

probably like, or you bro, I'm sorry, like a couple days ago,

1:08:55

I like was flipping through that, the

1:08:58

first notebook I ever had just to kind of fuck around

1:09:00

and see what, and it fell out. And I was like,

1:09:02

oh fuck, this is so cool. It was the first one.

1:09:04

I have something like that too, from like the first LA

1:09:06

show I did was a brand show at the comedy store.

1:09:08

And it says on there, it's like, it's a cool print

1:09:10

out. It's like, comedy store, 2015 on there. And

1:09:12

it has like my name and some others, but

1:09:15

just stuff like that is really cool. I have

1:09:17

a Brad Williams step stool that he gave me

1:09:20

that he uses to get up on the couch, and

1:09:22

that's probably my most prized possession. And

1:09:25

now do you use it for anything? Do dogs use it to get

1:09:27

on the couch? Just one,

1:09:29

I have other, I have a team of

1:09:31

little people that kind of make me coffee

1:09:33

and whatnot, so they'll use it to, yeah,

1:09:35

I mean, we pay them, you know, decently,

1:09:37

but it's. And what do you pay them

1:09:40

again? It's not currency, it's trumpets. It's, it's,

1:09:42

you know. Sonic coins. Yeah, it's, yeah, it's

1:09:44

Monopoly money and Sonic coins. Oh

1:09:46

my God, there's nothing more offensive than paying

1:09:48

a dwarf in fake video game money. Has

1:09:52

Brad been on the show? No, he's so funny

1:09:54

though. No, but I recently, we were sitting next

1:09:56

to each other on a plane, did we talk

1:09:58

the whole fucking time? Yeah, I told you the

1:10:00

whole time. Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a

1:10:02

great conversationalist. He died by anything. Dude, and I'm

1:10:04

a very like, don't fucking talk to me. Like,

1:10:06

I don't know. Oh yeah. But I'm

1:10:08

a very like headphone in on my phone. Like

1:10:10

I just, I'm very like shut down exactly where.

1:10:13

But yeah, man, like he, we just immediately were

1:10:15

like, you know, whatever. And we started talking before

1:10:17

the plane took off. And by the time I

1:10:19

knew it, we were like landing, but we, the

1:10:21

whole flight, it was from, I think it was

1:10:23

from like Chicago to LA, like not a short

1:10:25

flight. That's the best place to get to know

1:10:27

another comedian. It's just outside of here. You

1:10:30

see all the comedian at the airport and you feel this joint sense

1:10:32

of unity. We're like, you do what I do, we do what you

1:10:34

do. And then you're like, you could have never talked in your life

1:10:36

before. You see each

1:10:38

other on the spot and you're like, Oh, what'd you

1:10:40

guys meet? I don't know, Delta? Yeah. Yeah.

1:10:43

I saw Kathleen Madigan once at the airport, but it's the

1:10:45

only time I went the other way and didn't like say

1:10:47

what up to a comedian. And only because I auditioned for

1:10:49

last comic standing, should not have been. It was three years

1:10:51

in the stand up when my manager was like, I got

1:10:54

you on the stand up for last comic stand. I was

1:10:56

like, I think this is a bad idea. And

1:10:58

it was at the improv. What happened to the

1:11:00

Cheetos audition? Yeah. And he

1:11:02

sends me in. I go

1:11:05

in and they go, you're the very last audition of the day. It

1:11:07

was a Kathleen Madigan, Alonzo Bowden and

1:11:09

Ant. Remember Ants, the comedian? Yes.

1:11:12

They were, it was the first season I think. And he

1:11:14

was a comedian, a little,

1:11:16

what's up? Short guy, brown

1:11:18

hair. Does that do it? And

1:11:21

so I walk in and they shoved me in all

1:11:23

these cameras and the improv main room, it doesn't look

1:11:25

the same at all. I run up on stage and

1:11:28

I'm the last one of the day. So I'm like, all

1:11:30

right, hopefully they'll just like, let me do my thing. They

1:11:32

don't need to razz me. They've gotten all their like roasting,

1:11:34

you know, hours before this. And I get

1:11:36

up there, I'm so nervous. And my first joke was this

1:11:38

joke that I closed with every set where there's an open

1:11:40

mic or a seven minute spot somewhere. It was a Folgers

1:11:42

coffee joke where I'd go, man, I

1:11:45

just saw a Folgers coffee commercial, topical. And

1:11:47

I go, man, the slogan is

1:11:49

the best part of waking up is Folgers

1:11:51

in your cup. And I go, is it?

1:11:54

Little misleading to me. That's always be

1:11:56

the best part of waking up is

1:11:58

not dying in your sleep. and then

1:12:00

would get a laugh. And

1:12:03

then I do an act out of going like,

1:12:05

oh yeah. And then I do this whole

1:12:07

other thing about a Nyquil commercial. And I

1:12:10

start the Folgers coffee bit and Kathy Madigan goes,

1:12:13

a Folgers coffee bit? What is it, 1984? And

1:12:16

I go, what? And

1:12:19

I'm like, and it just completely throws me.

1:12:21

And I go, yeah, I mean, I'm three

1:12:23

years in. So I'm just trying to

1:12:26

find some relatable material. And

1:12:29

then Lonzo goes, hey, let him do another joke. And

1:12:31

I was like, thanks, Lonzo Bowden. And

1:12:35

then I just dug deep and did some bit about it.

1:12:37

I go, oh, this feels a lot like my Little League

1:12:39

games because my dad's not here. And

1:12:41

then it was just silence. And doing a

1:12:44

joke about that and then it being quiet

1:12:46

just made it even more sad. And then

1:12:48

I just went, whoosh, when I go, oh

1:12:51

boy. And then

1:12:53

they all kind of laughed at that. And then I was

1:12:55

like, you got anything else, man? One more thing. And then

1:12:57

I did some joke about being

1:13:00

a fat kid. And at that point, I was like, I'm not

1:13:02

going to be clean. So I was like, oh, it was the

1:13:04

first one in fourth grade to get a set of tits. I

1:13:06

charged my friends $5 to fill me up. And then Ant just

1:13:09

goes, thank you. Yeah, was that? You still charge the same rates

1:13:11

for that? $8 now, but just inflation.

1:13:13

Yeah, great tits, man. I appreciate you. Jesus

1:13:15

Christ, man. That's wild. That's

1:13:17

crazy. Yeah, wild though. So

1:13:20

when I saw it at the airport, it was only one time. It

1:13:22

was probably 10 years ago. I just was like, I

1:13:24

can't. Like, it was too sky. I had

1:13:26

all the feelings come back up, because I was like, also,

1:13:29

I was like, I don't know. You're three years in. I

1:13:31

know you're trying to get your show. If it

1:13:34

was halfway through the audition thing, I think it

1:13:36

would have been more understanding to be like, they

1:13:39

haven't made fun of any Jews yet. I feel

1:13:41

like they can't talk

1:13:43

during your audition. Is that kind of hooked up? Yeah,

1:13:46

well, I think at that point, it

1:13:48

was open season to kind of just jump in

1:13:50

and cut you off. And you know, like in

1:13:52

American Idol, Simon would do that all the time

1:13:55

if somebody was off key. Because they all do

1:13:57

comic. They know how it is. That was surprising.

1:14:00

Yeah, three years in I was like don't

1:14:02

they like why would they do that like only don't

1:14:04

only the one written rules like don't talk For the

1:14:06

first minute and you can destroy it. Let the kid

1:14:08

audition then tear him down. Oh 1000%

1:14:11

yeah, I think that's what it was cuz

1:14:13

then that completely so Kathleen Madigan say it

1:14:15

she's listening say it You

1:14:17

fucking We'll

1:14:21

edit in you saying no no Leave

1:14:24

it down leave it dude. Come on cuz you know what?

1:14:27

We'll meet at some point will bury the hatchet Also,

1:14:31

here's what's great about that. She probably doesn't

1:14:33

remember and if she did she'd be like dude. I

1:14:35

don't fucking care She's

1:14:38

in her 60s 70s that means she's you know, she's a Historic

1:14:41

she'd been doing it. She's gonna give a fuck. Maybe

1:14:43

she was having a bad day. I don't know. I

1:14:45

don't know Yeah, we're just kidding here Kathleen. I'm not

1:14:47

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1:15:40

welcome back to sock talk I'm dr.

1:15:42

Phil joining me today or two of my

1:15:44

favorite people They're actually

1:15:46

two people. I just reconnected with

1:15:48

back in the 70s 80s

1:15:51

and mostly early 90s when sugar whey sugar

1:15:54

ray really popped off. I was having a lot of

1:15:56

unprotected sex mostly

1:15:59

from the back and and standing up outside, but

1:16:01

I digress. I want to tell you about

1:16:03

two of these people that have come in

1:16:05

for Sock Talk, which is a segment where

1:16:08

we take a viewer confession,

1:16:10

submissions, and we

1:16:13

give advice to whatever writes

1:16:15

in it, and hopefully fix you for

1:16:17

the better. So please welcome my sons,

1:16:19

I didn't know I had, Jared

1:16:22

McGraw and Phil

1:16:25

Jr. McGraw. Fellows? Thank

1:16:27

you. It is great to be here.

1:16:30

It is great to be here. It is

1:16:32

great. I'm so excited for this. You guys

1:16:34

look good. Thank you. Thanks for

1:16:36

shaving your head for this segment. I know

1:16:38

you both rock a nice, spiky,

1:16:41

you both look like you sell Coke

1:16:43

and Grand Theft Auto. We do. We

1:16:46

do. Yeah, I used Nair this morning and I

1:16:48

thought it was a Neutrogena, so I done goofed

1:16:50

on that, and I really wanted to have my

1:16:52

full faux-hawk in effect, but I really ended up

1:16:54

with a bald head. And in classic Phil fashion,

1:16:57

Jared just pulled a stranger's pube from

1:16:59

the top of his mustache. That'll

1:17:01

happen. If you put yourself in a situation

1:17:03

of when you're gonna come up learning something

1:17:05

about yourself at the same time, we'll be right

1:17:08

back. Hold that thought. It was a Cracker Barrel

1:17:10

underneath. It was a Cracker Barrel. I'm a

1:17:13

big fan of a Cracker, and Phil, I

1:17:15

actually met you, my long

1:17:17

lost son, at a Cracker Barrel bathroom. We

1:17:19

were both in the stall together. It

1:17:22

was one of those stall urinal combo situations

1:17:24

where they put the urinal inside the stall

1:17:27

just for some extra butt stuff in

1:17:29

case you don't wanna do it at a hotel, or

1:17:33

a motel, or a holiday. And you looked over at me

1:17:35

and said, what? And I was like, wow,

1:17:37

that's an interesting hog you got there. Thanks, Phil.

1:17:39

Now Jared, when you were a kid- Hold up,

1:17:41

I would. Okay, go ahead. No, go ahead. No,

1:17:44

no, you always- You complimented my penis and I said,

1:17:46

thank you, you look familiar. I

1:17:49

do remember that. I remember that too, that's why I

1:17:51

said it. And I think that there's something to be

1:17:54

said about reconnecting, reconvening, but

1:17:56

also reflecting. Okay, and protecting

1:17:59

yourself. reflect an eject. Reflect an eject. Like

1:18:01

what we did in that bathroom. Well, I talk about

1:18:03

that in chapter 15 of my book. We've got issues,

1:18:05

because we all do. Now, I think

1:18:07

Jared. I don't know how to read. Now, Phil, I named

1:18:09

you after me, Jared. I named you after Jared Fogle, but

1:18:11

there's something to be- I thought it was Jared the jeweler.

1:18:14

A little bit of both. Yeah, so we're

1:18:16

gonna take some submissions because people are out

1:18:19

there dealing with it. They're going through it

1:18:21

and they're struggling on the struggle bus, and

1:18:23

they've got a one-way ticket to I don't

1:18:25

know where I'm going. So we wanna see

1:18:27

if we can help them get to the

1:18:30

top. They're rock bottom, we gotta get them

1:18:32

to rock top. Amen, God bless. Hell yeah,

1:18:34

rock bottom, let's bring it up.

1:18:36

Let's do it. So let's pull up our first

1:18:38

submission. Yeah, thank you all for being here today.

1:18:41

We do have a submission from a young woman

1:18:43

who needs some advice from the

1:18:45

McGraw clan. Please, Dale. The McGraw

1:18:47

clan. We got Phil, Phil Jr. and Jared. Yeah,

1:18:49

so we'll keep our name out of this one,

1:18:51

but she says, my boyfriend told

1:18:53

me I have bad breath when I wake up.

1:18:55

She already sounds like a bitch. I'm sorry. I'm

1:18:57

gonna have to ask for another submission. This girl's

1:19:00

already complaining. If you point the finger,

1:19:02

I always encourage, when you're doing

1:19:04

that, flip it around and do that and put it

1:19:06

down your throat and see what comes up. Give me

1:19:08

another one. Whoever smelled the Delta, you both smell like

1:19:11

shit. Yeah, maybe

1:19:13

quit brushing your teeth with banana

1:19:15

peels. No, no, what does

1:19:17

this say, Gabe? So she says, he told me that

1:19:19

giving a blow job early in the morning will help

1:19:21

me reduce my bad breath. So now I give him

1:19:23

a blow job every morning and he tells me I

1:19:25

don't have bad breath anymore. What is this woman's address?

1:19:28

She wants to know if he's lying to

1:19:31

her. Well, this man is clearly a quote

1:19:33

unquote genius, dare I say. He's doing the

1:19:35

manipulation, keyword man, manipulation. He's putting penis

1:19:38

first thing in the mouth. Well,

1:19:40

I got a confession to make. This is my submission. It's

1:19:42

for about my wife, Robin, and I did tell her that.

1:19:44

I said, if you start doing what

1:19:46

God put you here to do, then maybe

1:19:48

I can go outside in public and talk

1:19:51

to people. But I think that there's something

1:19:53

to be said about having bad breath in

1:19:55

a relationship that can be a deterrent for

1:19:57

a real human connection. Jared, we're just bad

1:19:59

breath. I think bad breath

1:20:01

is a sign that she was eating ass the

1:20:03

night before and she's cheating on you and you

1:20:05

need to leave her and She needs to come

1:20:07

over to me. It's a little harsh. That's

1:20:10

interesting. I think bad breath is an afro

1:20:12

Dijia, okay. I like that kind of like

1:20:14

it if your breath smells like a raccoon

1:20:17

pussy I fucking kiss you

1:20:19

and make love with you and underneath

1:20:21

the moonlight and the Lord's watching a

1:20:23

man anybody else hard coincidentally my Hootie

1:20:26

and the Blowfish cover band raccoon pussy is

1:20:28

playing at the Troubadour on Friday. We'll put

1:20:30

a ticket link in the bio What's the next

1:20:33

submission game? Yeah, we have another submission here This

1:20:35

one also they want to stay anonymous and they

1:20:37

say I'm a member of the marubo tribe in

1:20:39

Brazil. That's my friend Jill Recently

1:20:42

smartphones were introduced to our community for the first

1:20:45

time as a Tribe that

1:20:47

didn't have outside contact me and

1:20:49

all my friends have become addicted to pornography and social media

1:20:52

How do I break free? Well, this

1:20:54

is tough Jared. I know you've been addicted to

1:20:56

quite a bunch of things in

1:20:59

the last few years nodding before people respond You

1:21:02

also can't help but Parkinson's

1:21:04

in the net. God damn it dad. You

1:21:06

don't remember that Well, I always feel like

1:21:08

I'm at a limp biscuits show I do

1:21:10

it I do remember you had keeps rolling

1:21:12

rolling rolling. See you're addicted to limp biscuit

1:21:14

Yeah, but now how do you find it

1:21:16

so hard my biscuit is still limp. Well,

1:21:18

how do you find that's funny? That's

1:21:21

funny, too Now

1:21:24

next time I'd ask you to prove it but we don't

1:21:26

have much time left now fast Think

1:21:31

there's something to be said about Spending

1:21:34

too much time online and not enough time

1:21:36

outside Phil you're on

1:21:38

what app the most Facebook Grinder grinder. Yeah,

1:21:40

and have you met anybody that you felt

1:21:42

you could spend your life with? No, they

1:21:44

usually just do me in the ass and

1:21:47

then leave me behind an abandoned hospital. Okay

1:21:49

Well, that's someone reads reads my blog. All

1:21:51

right. Well, that's There's I

1:21:53

told him what I told him my first man. I

1:21:55

said find somebody who fills you up, right?

1:21:57

It makes you feel good inside and out and I think

1:22:00

when you're online sometimes and they said they're

1:22:02

at a remote tribe in Brazil. Yeah, what

1:22:04

are they on the set of Getting Even

1:22:06

with Dad starring Ted Danson and Jonathan Taylor

1:22:08

Thomas? That movie features one of them in

1:22:11

an Indian guides tribe. We'll edit this out.

1:22:14

Okay, so they're in Brazil and they don't have Wi-Fi?

1:22:17

Yeah, they just got smartphones for the first time. And

1:22:19

now they're trying to adjust. Yes. Yeah,

1:22:21

that's tough. And they're addicted to porn. Well, what's your

1:22:23

favorite thing to do on your phone, Jared? Touch myself.

1:22:26

Okay, next submission game. You think about it to touch

1:22:28

phone. What do you think I'm going to do? Touch

1:22:30

screen, touch myself. It's also tough to

1:22:32

be in Brazil, I think, in 2024. Yeah,

1:22:35

a lot of butts, a lot of fake butts. A

1:22:37

lot of fake butts. They had a World Cup there

1:22:39

a few years ago. Yeah. But I

1:22:41

don't know, you know, technology is something,

1:22:43

everything in moderation. You know, I say

1:22:45

that for most things, whether it's, you

1:22:48

know, again, whether it's video

1:22:50

games or social media, you know,

1:22:52

talking to your wife, you know, space it

1:22:55

out. Phil, what is your favorite thing, you

1:22:57

know, just son to father question to get

1:22:59

aroused by it, to get one off to,

1:23:01

what are we talking, East Bay catalogs, Macy's?

1:23:04

Craigslist misconnections. Okay. That is

1:23:06

right. I love going into a

1:23:08

deep dive and reading, hi,

1:23:10

Tammy 32. I was at

1:23:13

the Ralphs on Sunset and I saw you

1:23:15

walk out of the fruit aisle. Are

1:23:18

you really a fruit or otherwise, if you're

1:23:20

not, do you want to come plow me

1:23:22

at this IKEA, sign Tammy,

1:23:24

and then she puts a picture of her whole

1:23:26

family up. What's the next submission Gabe? Yeah,

1:23:29

we've got, we've

1:23:32

got one more tonight. So this is going to be a question

1:23:35

she wanted to put her name on it. This comes from Christine

1:23:37

and Christine says,

1:23:41

do you guys think it's hot if a

1:23:43

girl drives a stick shift? Well,

1:23:47

with what part of her body? You know

1:23:50

what I'm saying? If you've done your Kegels in

1:23:53

time, then now we're talking.

1:23:55

But if you're just doing the regular old paw,

1:23:57

you know, I've been there, done that, right? I

1:24:00

don't know, I'm not a big fan of the stick shift.

1:24:02

I've been in too many accidents. I got a road head

1:24:04

once from a girl driving a stick shift. She

1:24:06

was driving. She

1:24:09

was driving and doing the- Yeah, we were leaving

1:24:11

a funeral, so times were tough. People were tough.

1:24:13

Is that how you met Mom? Say

1:24:15

it again. Is that how you met Mom? That's how I

1:24:17

met, well, yeah, Mom, yeah, my wife. So she was in

1:24:19

six years. You're attached to a different

1:24:22

Mom. I am? So you say Mom to me,

1:24:24

but I don't even know where she is, so

1:24:26

I don't know who you're referring to. She's on

1:24:28

Craigslist, looking for cantaloupes. We

1:24:30

made you at a Dave and Busters.

1:24:33

We were in the bathroom right

1:24:36

next to the Price Center, which by the way, I've got a

1:24:38

beef with the Dave and Busters

1:24:40

Price Center. You'll spend $3,000 on

1:24:42

the Ninja Turtle game and get 15,000 tickets,

1:24:45

and they give you a now and later,

1:24:47

a bouncy ball and a headshot signed by

1:24:49

an AIDS-free Magic Johnson. Jared,

1:24:52

I met your Mom at a

1:24:54

Target. She was

1:24:56

working there. Which one, Tarzana? Tarzana

1:24:58

Target. She had a little, she had a pimple

1:25:01

imp, she had one of those, she had a

1:25:03

little growth behind her ear. Everyone that works at

1:25:05

Target has some sort of a deformity. Is

1:25:07

that it, Gabe? I think that's it, Dr. Phil, thank you. Well,

1:25:10

I think we did it. I

1:25:12

think we did it. You look good. I'm gonna

1:25:14

make your mustache fall off, Jared. Well, thanks, Dad.

1:25:16

Thanks for coming on, and thanks for coming in.

1:25:19

My mother, 12 years ago. I appreciate it. It's an

1:25:21

honor to be here. Well, you're 12 years old? I'm

1:25:23

12 years old with a mustache. He's

1:25:25

got a powerful seed. Those billionaire nuts,

1:25:28

effective. Yeah, I come Rogaine. Yeah. Yeah.

1:25:31

Anyways, Danny, it's so

1:25:33

nice. From Joe Rogan to Joe Rogaine. So

1:25:36

nice to meet you, Danny. Thanks for having me. It's great to

1:25:38

meet you. Hopefully there's no more other

1:25:40

of us running around, and if there is, we'll

1:25:43

start a CrossFit gym somewhere. I'm down for that.

1:25:45

I'm down for that. A Planet Fitness. Planet

1:25:47

Fitness. Yeah. I've got an idea

1:25:49

for a bigger 24-hour Fitness, Planet Fitness KFC

1:25:52

brothel combination center. I heard about that. You

1:25:54

can pump it up. You

1:25:56

can suck it up, and you can feel better

1:25:58

about yourself. It'll be open past. I once went

1:26:01

to a 24 hour fitness that closed at 11.

1:26:04

I just about punched the woman behind the

1:26:06

counter. That's

1:26:08

a story for another day. Maybe a Friday

1:26:10

when it's raining out. All

1:26:13

right. But don't

1:26:15

you have a little hee hee ha ha special? You want

1:26:17

a plug? What the fuck did you call me,

1:26:19

Phil? Oh yeah, my

1:26:21

special. Oh yeah, my special. And

1:26:24

scene. My special, like and subscribe is

1:26:26

streaming on my YouTube channel right now.

1:26:28

You can see all the Dr. Phil

1:26:31

specials, including Trevor Wallace on my YouTube

1:26:33

channel. Go check those

1:26:35

out and podcast about last night and

1:26:37

tour. I'm on tour at adamraycomi.com. From

1:26:40

now until November, check it out. Check me

1:26:42

out. I love you guys. Go stand. Love

1:26:45

you too, man. Thanks for watching. Such a funny

1:26:47

show with Phil. So go check it out. Take

1:26:49

care. Good night. That's it, guys.

1:26:51

Thank you so much, man. Thank you for watching, listening. We

1:26:53

love you guys. Till next Wednesday, we out. I got a

1:26:56

big old dick. Start

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