0:00

The Adam

0:39

Friedland Show Podcast. We're joined by Jordan

0:41

Jensen. Nick is on assignment right now.

0:43

He's in Kabul, Afghanistan. Do

0:46

you know what's going on over there?

0:48

What's going on in Kabul? I

0:51

don't know. It's too complicated to even explain.

0:55

Do you know anything about war or anything

0:57

like that? Girls don't like

1:00

wars or anything. I like war. You do.

1:02

You have a favorite war? I

1:05

mean, it's everybody's favorite, World War II. I don't

1:07

know. No, that's

1:10

like a basic bitch. No way. Everybody

1:12

loves World War II. Every Karen says World

1:14

War II. Why did it mean so many people died?

1:16

No way. US Civil, dude. Oh,

1:19

yeah. To be honest, low key. One

1:22

of my favorites is cold. I

1:24

think cold is hilarious. Cold war. Yeah, but it's not

1:26

an actual war. It's just a name. Yeah, but it's so

1:28

good. Just a bunch of this. I like

1:32

that. Yeah. I also like the one that's

1:34

going on right now. Did you see that show, The Americans?

1:36

I tried to start watching it recently. No, I've

1:39

just been watching The Wire. Really, it really makes me

1:41

want to say the N word. It makes me say

1:43

the N word. That's what you're taking away from The

1:45

Wire. I can't stop. The first season, are you kidding

1:47

me? I got on stage after watching it. I watched it

1:49

in the condo and I was like, because me and

1:52

Jake are just running around watching

1:55

it. You're running around watching it? We're

1:58

watching it. We're pretending to be the same. Every

2:00

time they said that and you laugh on

2:02

the train really loud. That's funny.

2:04

Did you guys get a load of this? I

2:07

held it up like this. That's so funny. I

2:10

saw Django once when

2:13

I lived in DC in an

2:15

all-black movie theater and I got

2:17

nervous when Leo was saying it.

2:20

I know. He said it hard. Everyone in

2:22

the theaters was dying of laughter. Everyone

2:25

thought it was really funny. That

2:28

the racism was very funny. I

2:31

started laughing along. I

2:33

said it. Everyone laughed. This

2:35

black guy got on the train

2:38

yesterday and he got on. He

2:40

was like, all right, ladies and gentlemen, ready? I was

2:42

like, oh, here we go. Then

2:44

he proceeded to do the most moving

2:46

modern dance.

2:50

He looked like a street rat and he did the most moving

2:52

modern dance. The song was about love and you're getting your

2:54

heart broke. It

2:56

was unbelievable. He had a boombox or something? Yeah. It

2:58

was a mate and he was doing all of it.

3:00

On the subway? Yeah.

3:02

Really? It was incredible. He

3:05

kicked an old lady in the head or something? He didn't do that. They

3:07

got rid of Showtime, Showtime in New York

3:09

City. I haven't seen one of those in

3:11

years. What's going on? Do you

3:13

go to Prospect Park? Yeah,

3:17

nighttime, usually between the hours of 3 and

3:19

6 a.m. And

3:22

just kind of in the wooded areas. There's

3:26

just homeless men who are allowed to live in this. The men's

3:28

bathroom areas. You got to get them out of there. Oh,

3:31

in Prospect Park? Yeah, like in little

3:33

coves. I think those are homosexuals.

3:36

No, they're homeless. The

3:38

joke I was making was that I

3:40

was cruising in Prospect Park. Yeah, I know. You

3:43

were eaning. Ian goes to the park for that? Ian used

3:45

to cruise. He has a

3:47

cruise face. It's really intense. What's the

3:49

face? I can't do it, but I make him

3:51

do it to me because it's so crazy. He

3:54

walks by and he does this look that's like, it's crazy. Wait,

3:56

wait, show me. He walks by and he

3:58

goes like, I can't do it. It's like

4:00

it's like no

4:03

no no no no it's like it's like I

4:05

can't do it I can't Know

4:08

he doesn't do something with his weird eyes that make

4:10

you it's like it's sweet, but it's also like we

4:13

could fuck it's crazy I'm gonna do it say you're

4:15

cruising face. It will make you be like yeah, let's

4:17

go to the woods right now That's crazy. It's not

4:19

gonna make me want it will it will I'm telling

4:21

you I'm not gonna I'm the last person on this

4:24

planet that would ever Fuck Ian and his

4:26

cruising face makes me want to become a man so that I

4:28

can fuck you're the last person on the planet That would fuck

4:30

him a hundred percent if you're the last

4:32

time the second the last really what you one

4:34

time We I remember he said he said to

4:36

us, but he considered himself an eight and a

4:38

half And we

4:40

I think I know I remember how hard

4:43

stop laughed at that. I remember stuff just

4:46

yeah, it's like shaking podcast

4:49

recently and he said something like that and stop had

4:51

to be like you're just mistaken It's very sweet that

4:53

you feel that way, but you are mistaken. Yeah But

4:56

it's great. It's I told him this

4:58

before but he looks like Chuck E cheese He

5:01

does he looks like Chuck E cheese. He

5:03

looks like Austin Powers No,

5:06

not at all. Yeah, I look more

5:08

like Austin Powers. No way He

5:10

has that yeah bait like he has that weird

5:12

sexual constant and the teeth his I think I

5:15

guess like spiritually Look, he's Austin Powers, but

5:17

dude he dressed up as Austin power from Halloween,

5:19

and I was like you have arrived This is

5:21

how you should always I I watched the first

5:23

one recently, and I really my girlfriend turned

5:25

to me She said it herself. She's like I

5:28

really didn't realize how much of my personality. I've

5:30

based off of that Yeah, it's one of the

5:32

best movie. I was kind of the Austin Powers

5:35

kid in elementary school Yeah, did

5:37

I ever tell you that story about my friend

5:39

went to college with a guy named Austin Powers?

5:42

No, okay I

5:44

got his driver's license. Can you

5:46

imagine that guy's life? Like

5:49

the first movie came out. He's like it's

5:51

gonna be six months of yeah, baby. Yeah,

5:53

then I'll go back to normal Austin

5:55

Powers 2 comes out. He's like okay first of

5:58

all they can't keep the magic going It

6:00

sucks that he has to say you met a

6:03

guy named Austin Powers Today

6:05

in 2024 like a vein would pop up

6:07

on your forehead to keep you from saying

6:09

yeah, baby Yeah, I

6:11

make you horny, baby. I wouldn't let the vein appear. I would just

6:14

start saying it I

6:18

fucked him cuz his name was Austin Powers Going

6:22

comics on the road and I think that

6:24

they're doing it because they're like I blew

6:26

this person because it was Austin Powers No,

6:28

but that reminded me of it like it There's a lot of my

6:30

friends being like this girl just offered me a blowjob like there's a

6:33

lot of women being like I'll Suck your dick. I want to have

6:35

sex with you, but then they'll blow the person then they'll be

6:37

like I blew Whatever head

6:39

only head only like a collector's toe. Yeah,

6:42

that's happened to me before really yeah, but

6:44

I said Um, actually I'd rather just

6:46

go down on you While you

6:48

call me the caseler,

6:50

that's because you're beautiful lesbian. Just

6:53

kidding I wouldn't

6:55

ever do that with some stranger Disgusting

6:59

wait, but isn't that normal like someone

7:01

who's like a performing and fairly successful

7:03

and then a girl wants to I

7:05

just think Wob them off. No,

7:07

I've never had that impulse I've never seen

7:09

somebody and you've never like gone to a Bon

7:11

Jovi concert You're like I would I really like to

7:14

suck that man's pee No, I've gone to a concert

7:16

and been like I'd really like to date and then it

7:18

eventually marry that man and procreate with him But

7:20

I've never been like I like to blow him

7:22

you'd like to like just decide like are we

7:24

doing Thai or Chinese tonight? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you'd

7:26

like to like get into an argument because you

7:29

had a dream the night before Why

7:33

do they why do you why do you so hard to

7:35

wake up? You guys are so mean in the dreams You're

7:38

so mean and you always do that you always cheat on

7:40

me when I'm dreaming And then I wake

7:42

up and you're sitting there and I'm like you suck You were just

7:44

so mean in the dream and you're always

7:46

unapologetic in the dream. You're never like you're never like

7:48

I'm sorry I did this thing. You're always like I don't

7:50

care about you. Does every girl do this. I think that's

7:52

a lie I think it's like you guys are just saying

7:54

it literally happened three days ago What

7:56

did he do in the dream? He was

7:58

like I walked in on him making

8:02

out with a girl and she was being

8:04

all clamory and like no just some random girl

8:07

on staircase I know what it's from

8:09

and then I was like was it from the time that he

8:11

was making out with a girl in a staircase? No I just

8:14

it's because what it is is it's my

8:16

girl he cheating on you it's my own

8:18

shit like I do fucked up shit when

8:20

I feel threatened in previous relationships like I'll feel

8:22

threatened and then I'll like develop

8:24

an emotional affair with somebody and it feels

8:26

skeevy so then I think everybody's down to

8:29

me but and then in the it's

8:31

always like this it's always like well I guess we're

8:33

not dating anymore and I'm like what really and he's like

8:35

yeah sorry I just don't want to but that also is

8:37

you broke up with him in the morning? No no

8:40

in the dream it's always like that it's like well

8:42

this girl's sucking my dick so I guess we're not

8:44

together anymore oh he dumped you oh that's a gentleman's

8:46

thing to do that's a that's a gentlemanly thing I

8:48

always have dreams that my the people I love are

8:50

like I don't care about you really I

8:53

used to have that dream when I was a kid

8:55

that I was at a gas station my parents were

8:58

walking in front of me and then they just

9:00

kept walking faster and faster and I kept and

9:02

then they left me and I was like oh

9:05

yeah I always had a dream as a kid that

9:07

I was stuck in a car

9:09

that was moving like I was in the back seat and then I

9:11

had to climb into the front and drive the car and it was

9:13

like yeah I have the dream where

9:15

the brakes don't work yeah a lot is that

9:18

that's gonna mean something yeah yeah I was saying

9:20

this to Nick like a couple years ago but

9:22

dreams often for me are like that

9:24

I'm going somewhere but I never actually get

9:26

there like I yeah I

9:28

don't really ever have sex dreams I have a dream

9:31

where it's like I'm like in a

9:33

car with a chick and she's like let's go somewhere and

9:35

fuck yeah I've had sex with a

9:37

dream I had a wet dream you did when

9:43

I was when your boyfriend was making making out with that

9:45

girl in the on the stairs no it would be funny

9:47

if you were just had absolutely geyser'd

9:53

and you guys are people being like get

9:55

away from me you guys are

9:58

no way slide right off If

10:00

people are if I'm fucking somebody and they're like, please don't

10:03

come near me totally You're

10:05

fucking me You

10:09

do that yeah You stole

10:11

my you're fucking me But said that my

10:13

friend said that women always are like you're

10:15

fucking me and my friend said that's a

10:17

classic and that Adam Friedland Said and then

10:19

I'm like my friend Adam Friedland and that

10:21

guys is a pause break. Everybody stops everybody

10:23

freaks Everyone's like that's your room. Yeah,

10:26

I have to I have one that Nick said to me

10:28

and one that you said to me What did Nick say

10:30

to you Nick said to me six million was too high

10:32

of a number You stayed a black guy and I was

10:34

like I said that to you. No Everybody

10:38

fucking says it to me. Why not cuz

10:40

I'm not gonna date a black guy because I think white

10:42

is right. Don't say that You

10:47

know that John Mayer said that in

10:49

Playboy magazine once what he said I

10:51

love black women, but my dick is

10:53

like David Duke. Yeah mine, too I've

10:56

only ever had your tea with With

11:02

Irishman Irishman. Yeah.

11:04

No Really? Yeah,

11:07

that gets you off. Is it the

11:09

always angry Catholic? It's the red nose

11:11

the bloated though not from ginger's Like

11:15

stow it big red noses from

11:17

alcoholism. Yeah. Yeah Really?

11:19

It's like freckle people. Yeah. Yeah Irishmen are

11:22

good lovers. So you wouldn't know you haven't

11:24

had any others Yeah, you haven't had

11:26

any I did I had sex with one

11:28

brown man and I did not like it brown

11:33

Muslim Nice

11:36

that you should date a Muslim guy. No, I hate

11:38

it That'd be one of my friends is Muslim is my

11:40

old Muslim and I'm always like dude. I don't believe

11:43

you I think you're just Harry Pottering about

11:45

Islam because he like starts reciting the Quran

11:47

to me and I'm like Yeah, you're just a dork for

11:49

Islam. I don't believe that you really believe this Oh

11:54

When they're really when they're a practical person with

11:56

like he's the most reasonable person and then he's

11:58

like well Allah Allah Whenever and

12:00

I'm like.and you don't know way you

12:02

know where you and Muslim in Airbus

12:05

always He always. Got codes the ground he

12:07

praised five times a day and like I don't think

12:09

the you think that you were accidently. Born into the

12:11

right religion? I wasn't and you think I'm

12:13

going to. Have. Also, I just don't buy it. He.

12:15

Was named Awesome Paris I fucked. Them

12:18

since. I

12:22

was really the bathroom because a he showed me

12:24

his idea to the author with our. People

12:27

do that, people. Just. How they're

12:29

awesome power Know that awesome Powers guy has

12:31

been his entire life has been ruled by

12:33

that but I hope he always go up

12:35

as your couples number of her. Does he

12:37

look like us a marriage because his nose

12:39

is normal guy that there's a guy. There's

12:41

also a guy that comes to funny mom

12:43

sometimes and his name is only as a

12:45

Missouri crowd workers like amateurs. His name's Tyler

12:47

Durden L E. I remember that yeah like

12:50

ever. He's a really nice kid. His

12:52

name is Tyler. To his new set of Tyler

12:54

Durden School The Air. My name

12:56

is Limp Bizkit best like Tyler Durden

12:59

is also just like her says. I

13:01

go like a guy Lego. You

13:04

guys that are to into like a.

13:07

Part. Of her. What can I say? like

13:09

a and is like a bitcoin are

13:11

like really the Tyler Durden related those

13:13

go years. Using guys I

13:15

like. Yeah, Barely. I

13:17

would have burned society and I have

13:19

a i have a yo pattern. but

13:21

where this guy you know I'm dizzy

13:23

Bitcoin? No no, no pressure and me

13:25

to put money. I have all I

13:28

had all my money and checking until

13:30

at last couple months. Would you do

13:32

with it. Suited

13:34

saving. Know. I love of

13:36

a verb I gave it to obey do stuff

13:39

with it now that way. oh that was used

13:41

as bait off his good Anyway my eyes get

13:43

big tits on the am I have as big

13:45

as I can either as was really embarrassing have

13:47

to me as her and I was so I

13:50

went in. I went in for an audition. I

13:52

told you yeah and so like I adrenaline have

13:54

a i'm really nervous you know But it's funny

13:56

when you walk into the waiting room is all

13:58

like these five rounds. Over You. And they're

14:01

actors. Really? So they're actors. Are they like thinking

14:03

about what they learned and why you. And they're

14:05

all like you don't list, you, like nervous and

14:07

like small and I'm like, ah fuck it like

14:09

I'm a fucking comedians. You don't give a shit

14:11

about this. So. They also funny wheel

14:13

with the same their i ah they also

14:15

laughing and they'll like one guy comes up

14:18

using are you and really really show and

14:20

I was like that's you know in my

14:22

mind I'm like that's right you'd have thought

14:24

these soccer yes years like you don't like

14:26

I'm I'm important. As

14:28

unlike it's you know and then I the

14:30

they call Malina this me that means is

14:32

one other guy that am kind of really

14:34

feel myself and my bro you'd like you

14:36

didn't Movies. And. He's like

14:38

yeah, I'm. In oh

14:41

they arm oh like have you been like the

14:43

star of any of the movies and he's like.

14:46

I guess. yeah and I was like

14:48

oh so fucking the and why use

14:50

like thesis the ah yes this fucking

14:53

guy off pronouns i would like anything

14:55

out a season he's like now we're

14:57

even as he my face. And.

14:59

I was. I was like cartoons. There's

15:01

the the and is I. Am

15:05

the star the new player the a Susie.

15:07

that one in theaters right now is I

15:09

guess My God God I for the press

15:12

tour it. As oh

15:14

my god lies it's like of fuck

15:16

the i forgot everybody was were at.

15:18

These guys are professionals are you as

15:20

well? Like that they like Fisher with

15:22

were you tube show other people are

15:24

does a really good really like of

15:26

I know but then I talk to

15:28

verbally be the monkey suit and will

15:30

only like a monkey. He's the man

15:32

about i'm acting he's made monkey. Civic.

15:35

Years they have a glass knows as years

15:37

he's like very has guys but the characters

15:39

is pretty ugly I and I'm like well

15:41

as I'm ugly or that him so I

15:43

got better saw this and then and then

15:45

I realized that this cat litter funky monkey

15:47

he do and get you anything. This guy

15:49

could be a fucking ugly guys he was

15:51

soon he supervises they can really nice guy

15:54

shot are so that guy is very nice

15:56

guy. In a cast you because they cast that girl

15:58

is the girl. Yeah. don't i don't I'm

16:00

not gonna get the thing crazy when I don't

16:03

get it I'll say what it's for and everyone

16:05

is gonna everyone's gonna get a big laugh new

16:08

planet of the apes You got to look

16:10

at this guy. He's unreal is

16:12

he you don't know his so handsome What

16:15

is it you look it up? I'm I'm going to you

16:19

He told me his name, but I forgot it immediately What

16:22

are you? Do

16:25

you Pronounce

16:27

f u m e spelled f

16:29

you with an umlaut m Alright

16:33

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your habit look at this Jordan Play

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with this I have one I played with it

17:58

today Does

18:01

that satisfy you? That feeling. Yeah.

18:03

And it's nice and it's weighty and it's got

18:05

a good wood and it comes in this lovely

18:07

box. Just like Pete. Just wow.

18:09

Well now

18:11

they know that a 6'9 guys working

18:13

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18:15

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we're back to the show. Jordan,

18:47

what do you look at? Is a 256 SD card

18:49

fine for a 4k? Yeah. Two hours.

19:08

Four K. Get

19:13

the 512 maybe the 1TB. Get

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the 1TB. You

19:19

got to get 1TB. Okay.

19:24

Cool. Okay. And now we're back. So

19:26

wait, proportional. Can we figure

19:29

that out though? Pete's 6'9.

19:31

I'm guessing, I have to see his hands, but

19:34

I'm guessing that it's like that. It doesn't mean

19:36

anything. His hands don't mean anything.

19:38

Actually, they don't mean anything. Is

19:40

that right Pete? Yeah. It's

19:42

like what? Like that? Right?

19:46

Hard. So yeah, that's like, what is that?

19:48

Like four? Four? No. Maybe three and a

19:50

half? Seven and a half. Eight.

19:53

Seven and a half. Eight. I'm

19:55

very good at, I know exactly what your penis looks

19:57

like. And there's no such thing as proportional actually sometimes.

20:00

Anyway, yeah, yeah, I have a friend that's got like the

20:03

biggest in the crew and now

20:05

he's been having mental health issues

20:09

and he's been like texting us about like, he's like

20:11

I'm having a hard time right now and like

20:13

I text my other friend that's in the group chat and

20:15

I'm like, honestly, I can't really take it

20:17

seriously. I know, my hot friend got cheated on

20:19

and I just couldn't feel that bad for him. I don't

20:22

care about hot. If you just like, he tells me all this,

20:24

he said girls have had to go to the hospital before. Well,

20:27

that's a curse. Yeah, it kind of

20:29

is. I was hooking up with a guy and I felt

20:31

his penis and I was like, there's no way. So I just

20:33

sucked on the outside of it like one of those fish in

20:35

the fish tank. What do you mean

20:38

sucked on the outside? I couldn't

20:40

get it in. Your mouth?

20:42

My mouth. What if? It's

20:45

huge. So

20:47

he kind of does walk a lonely road. Yeah.

20:50

Yeah. On the boulevard of broken dreams. It's

20:53

so funny to be sad because your penis is too

20:55

big. He is a sad boy. I'll tell you who

20:57

it is after this. Really? Yeah.

21:00

Is it in our profession? No. Yeah.

21:03

I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't

21:05

like that. I don't think like what's the point of

21:07

being funny? I know.

21:09

Yeah. Like I wouldn't get out of bed.

21:13

I know. I just have delivery. Uber eats

21:15

of pussy. Why is it? No,

21:17

but yeah. Like why is he doing stand

21:19

up comedy? I saw pornography when I was

21:21

13 and I and they have large, very

21:24

big ones in porn and I have a.

21:28

Small penis. Not a small penis. Oh, okay.

21:31

Not a small penis. But I thought because I

21:33

also my penis wasn't you know, anyway, I thought,

21:35

you know, I'm going

21:39

to be I'm never going to have a wife. Right.

21:42

I thought that like it's supposed to be a baby's arm

21:44

and you know, I'll. So I

21:47

think that's why we always say baby's arms. There's

21:50

so many other things for a large many other

21:52

objects in the world. Yes. Like

21:54

why do we do that? Why are we doing that?

21:56

Why are we just hit hard? Yeah, yeah. Or like

21:58

when you see a baby. You're like oh look

22:01

at that two large men's large penises every time

22:03

I say baby look at those cock Look at

22:05

those two huge things out of that face. We're

22:07

gonna choose monster cocks. They get four dicks come

22:09

out a baby Yeah, they're

22:12

like five because they have penises off. It's

22:14

inappropriate actually to do that to babies. That's a very

22:16

fair point It is yeah, yeah,

22:18

yeah, God. I just found out that This

22:21

guy now wants to be pee pee in a

22:23

diaper and be changed by his wife sexually and

22:25

it really upset me He wants

22:27

to or he does it that's their lives. He

22:29

wants to he wants her to do that for

22:31

you crazy Do you want that he pitched it

22:34

he pitched and wife and his

22:36

wife is beautiful and he's not but think about

22:38

this like he's been Living in pain the entire

22:40

time they're together. No No,

22:42

if you have a specific fetish like that like

22:45

no, he just thought about it too much and then

22:47

got obsessed with it No, no I think

22:49

that like he knows that I have the specific

22:51

thing and this is the only way I can

22:53

come and it makes me feel like God right

22:56

and Anytime I'm in a relationship. I

22:58

can't pitch it too early on cuz she's gonna

23:00

leave I have to wait maybe 18

23:02

months in I could I could say I need

23:04

the thing correct his promotion and why mouth shut

23:06

I Mean, I

23:09

mean, I don't think anyone should have

23:11

sex. I don't think anybody should have

23:13

perverse sex just relax I'm actually

23:15

very like happy like at this point. I am

23:17

completely over Sex a lot

23:19

in relationships. How often are you supposed to have sex? I'm

23:22

very hungry I Have

23:25

it you're very hungry. Yeah, just

23:27

currently. Yeah. Do you want me to order

23:29

oobre's? No, it's okay You know

23:31

what you want me to get a shake shack? No,

23:33

okay How often the nice

23:35

thing about if you live together? No,

23:38

you want a sweet green? Yeah, what?

23:42

I want the hummus crunch salad. So

23:44

you Wait,

23:48

let me ask this podcast is just

23:50

going all off the rail of it I'll

23:52

get you Pete I

23:54

apologize. I Love

23:57

Pete you guys don't know Pete pizza best

24:00

protected me from a crazy lady recently really

24:03

yeah did we already talk about that Pete no I haven't

24:05

been here with you maybe we did who is it

24:07

was it like another crazy stalker

24:09

lady tried to bum rush me after

24:12

the first thing I never order

24:14

sweet green so scary yeah scary the

24:17

hummus Pete you want anything okay

24:25

I got you kale

24:28

Caesar order order guess what

24:30

I have for lunch Pete I

24:32

got a Peter Lugers burger randomly my

24:36

car went over the Williamsburg bridge got a

24:38

flat so it's been in Williamsburg and I

24:40

was across the street waiting for the toe

24:42

today and I went alone I felt like

24:44

a businessman the

24:47

hummus he

24:49

wants kale Caesar I want

24:51

hummus crunch I'm looking God you

24:59

know those

25:01

days you just don't want to podcast hummus

25:05

crunch I really appreciate it order two of the

25:07

kale and I'll pay you for it for the

25:09

person who's coming Sebastian Maniscalco I saw him go

25:11

up it in LA he's incredible

25:13

I know he's he's really good I

25:15

think he's the best anyone

25:17

who's told me their problems and I find out

25:20

that they have a monster it just makes

25:22

me mad yeah but the thing is sometimes the monster

25:24

can feel like you can't live up to the expectation it's

25:26

same it's how I feel about Maya and her tits and

25:28

like I don't respect any problem she could ever have

25:31

what do you mean cancer and I'd be like we have a

25:33

beautiful body a beautiful face and big tits yeah yeah

25:35

she could be dying of cancer she could be dead

25:38

well the only thing is that I can be dead waste of a good

25:40

body you know what

25:43

a waste of that way yeah

25:48

yeah I don't know I guess there's

25:51

no escape even my trainer who's the most

25:53

ripped hot woman I've ever seen in my life

25:55

gets cheated on constantly she does just cheated I

25:58

was like I'm gonna quit because you're saying that It's the

26:00

only reason I'm working out. Yeah, guys don't want

26:02

a ripped woman. She's not she's

26:04

hot. She's incredible She's not one of those

26:06

like no like Doing

26:09

squats big-ass thing. No, can I see a picture

26:11

of her? It's just

26:13

one of those days when you don't want a podcast.

26:16

No, it's it's just that well Yeah, our attention

26:18

spans all over place. You got allergies. I got

26:20

allergies. I have terrible brain fog Yeah,

26:22

but also I just had like I

26:24

can't say anything. We can't say anything Anything

26:27

what are you talking about? Oh can't talk about war in the

26:29

Middle East. Yeah, but what about day? I

26:31

believe there's a lot more you

26:33

want to talk about it talk about you don't

26:36

know anything Who is the

26:38

secretary of state? Warren

26:40

Buffett Who

26:43

is Who's

26:46

the head of net and yachty yeah,

26:48

who's the head of Hamas a bagdaddy

26:54

That's the guy that Trump kills when he's

26:56

like yeah Shane did that bit about it

26:58

What was it about how funny it

27:00

was when he announced that guy's death? Bag

27:03

that when you do better Trump than me we love

27:05

bagdaddy He died

27:08

like a dog and like whatever I like a dog

27:11

my favorite yellow stroke is the one where he says where he's

27:13

like the way Trump argues

27:15

and it'll just like come into a whole thing and

27:17

then just be like You're your

27:19

wife has a dog face Your

27:22

wife does have a dog Yeah

27:28

Because what that you can keep

27:30

doing the impression I want him to win again so

27:32

the boys are back in town that's what It

27:36

was I mean like I'm

27:39

not gonna vote for Trump right, but like it

27:42

would feel fun to do it, and it's

27:44

a New York City He's definitely gonna win

27:47

So you like to do it for fun is

27:49

a possibility Yeah,

27:51

to know what it feels like I've

27:54

only take that women what

27:57

yeah, well that's good. We

27:59

all did It's never gonna get better,

28:01

whatever. Yeah, you know what's

28:03

crazy is like, it's an election right now

28:05

and no one's paying attention to it at

28:08

all. Do you remember how

28:10

it used to be must-see TV? It was huge.

28:12

When Trump was in those debates with all those

28:14

clowns and he was being mean to everyone, that

28:16

was like the best TV show I've ever seen. Yeah,

28:19

what's going on now? People are

28:21

talking about like the 12-year-old, like

28:23

people at Columbia and their tents or

28:26

something. That's what the news is, no?

28:28

Yeah, protesters. Like

28:31

there's literally a presidential election going on right

28:33

now and no one's paying attention to it.

28:35

No. Yeah, yeah. It's because

28:38

nothing happens. It'll just waffle. We

28:40

know exactly what it looks like with Trump and it didn't affect our lives at all.

28:43

I was saying we should just tell them that they

28:45

both won. I want somebody to

28:47

win who is anti-abortion. Anti-abortion.

28:49

Yeah, because- But they took it away. They

28:51

overturned Roe v. Wade. Right, but I

28:53

want it to be illegal for me to get an abortion because

28:55

I do- You wanna keep the next one. I

28:58

just know that I'm a kid if I get a board.

29:00

I know that I won't. I'll just- So

29:02

you won every woman in America to suffer. Just me.

29:06

sorry. You won a law written just for you. Yeah.

29:08

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's funny. I

29:11

had my first lesbian thought the other day. I

29:13

was like, I look like a lesbian? You

29:15

saw a girl in the boxing gym and she was so

29:17

hot. And I was like, oh. I thought it was you

29:19

were looking in the mirror. You're like, damn, I look like

29:21

a lesbian. No, that's every day. That's every day. No, I

29:24

don't have to look in the mirror. I walk outside. Wait,

29:26

you saw a girl boxing. oh,

29:29

I could date that. Really? What does she look

29:31

like? Me, a little.

29:35

Really? That's the style of a gay guy. You know?

29:38

There's just two twins. Like there's like, you

29:40

just see them. They're the exact same guy.

29:43

The problem with lesbians is they do this thing

29:45

with their voice. I heard one of them training

29:47

and she's like, so how much

29:49

can you lift? Like they do a cosplay as

29:51

a man thing. I know that people

29:53

are gonna be like, you're doing that. But they

29:56

literally act like they're like being a guy. Yeah.

30:00

like that and it is cringy to

30:02

me. Yeah. And I think if I think

30:04

it's performative, it's insecure. But

30:06

they do know how to like communicate with

30:08

pit bulls. They do know how

30:10

to like just got to pick. They do know how

30:12

to do automotive repair. Yeah.

30:15

You know, they do. Yeah, they do have

30:17

the respect of their masters of animals and

30:20

beasts. Yeah. Why do they why are

30:22

they so good with cats? I don't understand why

30:24

there's something. Yeah. I

30:26

mean, I think I'm a dog to my dog can't be

30:28

around other dogs. And my dog,

30:30

my friend was watching my dog while I was out of

30:32

the country. And he was like,

30:34

yeah, I dropped her a doggy daycare yesterday. And

30:36

apparently she was great. And I was like, she

30:38

I thought she no,

30:41

she'll go on a murder spree. She'll kill

30:43

everyone there. And he was

30:45

like, no, there was just some lesbian that was like, wow.

30:47

And he was like a good dog the rest of the

30:49

day. Was it in Brooklyn? No, it was in Connecticut. He

30:52

is like a wood shop up in Connecticut

30:54

where I forget that you have a pitbull.

30:57

That's so crazy. I know I have a

30:59

murder weapon. Is she

31:01

a murder weapon? She's very sweet. She I told

31:05

I've told this story before. But yeah, when I first

31:07

got her here, yeah,

31:10

I, you know, I'd never had a dog. I just

31:12

like did it like crazy that Nick has a cat

31:14

and you have a pitbull. Yeah,

31:17

I'm like a guy. He's a girl. Yeah.

31:19

I'm not in waking life. I

31:21

just like get met her on the street and I

31:23

adopted her and I've never had an animal before. I

31:26

was like, you met her on the street

31:28

for the moment, like manic pixie, like, oh,

31:31

I'll take you home. Yeah. I

31:33

had roommates and stuff too at the time. Wait, you met her on the street

31:36

because she was homeless or you met her on the street because they were putting

31:38

her up for adoption in like a cage. She's

31:40

a homeless teen whore. Yeah.

31:42

This guy on the street was like, hey,

31:45

I I just bred her at my

31:47

grandma's house. And she,

31:50

she, uh, now she has nowhere to

31:52

live. And I was like, nowhere

31:54

to live. And then she was

31:56

depressed also because she just had her children taken

31:58

away too, too early. How old was she? She

32:01

was a... they bred her in her first heat. So

32:03

basically she got her first period and they knocked her

32:05

up. You know what I... She's got big

32:08

nips? She had long like distended nipples

32:10

from breastfeeding. They've kind of shrunken a little bit.

32:12

But so she was like really sad and depressed,

32:14

but she was so sweet when I got her.

32:17

And then I was on a walk with her and I was like, oh

32:19

yes, I'm such a great guy.

32:21

I've saved this whore from the streets. And

32:25

then she got in this gory

32:27

fight with another people.

32:29

Like in Clinton Hill, which is like

32:32

a Hillary woman neighborhood. And

32:35

there were just like Karens surrounding

32:37

it like, make it stop. Like

32:39

do something. There's blood. Blood? Yeah,

32:42

yeah. And then this... Yeah, there was like

32:44

a bagger vance style. There was like just

32:46

a ghost, like an old

32:48

black man who just appeared. Nice. And

32:50

he's like, you got to put a

32:52

stick in that dog's ass. Yeah, that

32:54

happened to my people. My people growing up attacked a dog

32:57

and a guy drove by and went, put a finger in

32:59

its ass and then somebody just did it. And she was

33:01

like, and stop. You think it's like two guys are outside

33:03

a bar and they're like ready to go? Put

33:06

a finger in like one of the bro's asses. Immediately

33:08

gonna stop. And he's like, sorry. Did

33:10

she stop? Did somebody put a stick? Immediately. Was

33:13

it a stick? I put my tongue. Oh, okay,

33:15

good. That's really nice. Yeah, yeah. It's

33:18

really humane. Yeah, yeah. They weren't

33:20

even fighting. But like so then I was like, now

33:22

they're going to put her to the

33:24

death penalty. Yeah. But I

33:26

guess the other people were like, they

33:29

were they were chill about it. But

33:31

yeah, so she can't really be around other dogs

33:34

until she met this lesbian and

33:36

the lesbian was like, yeah, can

33:38

communicate with her. I guess lesbians are kind

33:40

of pit bulls to some extent. My

33:43

dog just hung out. I'm going to keep this on the show. Hello.

33:45

I'm doing the podcast. What's up? You got

33:48

the car? Yeah,

33:50

I'm in your car. All right. Thanks, brother. Is

33:52

that guy fucked up on drugs? No, no, no, no.

33:54

He's not fucked up. You want to talk to him?

33:57

Yeah. This is my friend, Jordan. Hi

34:00

Jonas. What are you doing

34:02

Adam's bidding for? Does he pay you? Um,

34:05

I'll get something out of it. Are you sleepy?

34:09

I'm just, yeah, I'm fucking tired. Is

34:11

it because you have allergies? He's a good guy. No,

34:13

but I have some, yeah, I do have like the

34:16

throat thing. I keep thinking I have the throat thing

34:18

too. I didn't smoke any cigarettes, but I feel like

34:20

I did. I

34:22

did hit the vape a lot last night, but I do think it's

34:24

the pollen. Yo, we're,

34:26

where are you watching Nyx? Where are you

34:28

watching Nyx? Where are you going to watch the Nyx game?

34:32

What do you mean? Tell Adam with him. That's why I'm... Adam's

34:35

wearing woman's socks. They're

34:39

not women's socks. Those are women's socks. No, no, I'm

34:41

not wearing women's socks. I don't have a car, because I don't

34:43

have a car. I need to ride out. You need to ride.

34:45

Alright, yeah, we'll drive out after. Um,

34:47

what are you guys doing? We're

34:51

recording a podcast. Come to the dude here. It's the

34:53

worst, dude. No, it's too far.

34:55

Um... He's sleepy. Jonas

34:57

is sleepy. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet

34:59

you. Bye, Jonas. I love you. That's

35:03

my brother, dude. I've always wanted a

35:06

brother. He's really nice. Yeah, he's really good at

35:08

basketball. All your notifications are covering

35:10

up Maya's tits in this. Oh no, okay. Oh,

35:12

she's... My background is... Your girlfriend?

35:14

Her breath. I just want to be

35:16

in a relationship where I'm the background of the guy. Yours,

35:19

you're... Never. No? Would

35:22

never. Why? Really?

35:26

Yeah. Because it broke the

35:28

screen. It broke the glass. He

35:30

would have a picture of me getting raped to death

35:32

by eight apes. I don't think he would. Because that

35:34

would bring him joy. I don't think he

35:37

would. He would have a picture of... Just

35:39

your... You're spreading just this? A.C. unit. Have you

35:41

ever sent one of these in a picture? No,

35:44

I've never sent it in a picture because I'm always worried it's

35:46

going to come back to you. You've never had a guy send

35:48

you a text, send sushi? Is

35:52

that what you say? I don't

35:54

ask for that, but that's what I would say if I wanted one

35:56

of these. You would say send sushi? Send sushi. I

36:02

wouldn't say that. Okay. No,

36:04

I'd say it's a cheeky tasteful. Does

36:08

anybody say Sen Sushi? Um,

36:12

no, I don't think so. I think I just

36:14

made that up. My friend did, uh, I

36:18

was like, we were at a bar and he

36:20

was seeing a girl in LA and she sent,

36:24

um, she had

36:26

sent a video of her masturbating

36:28

for him because like he, we were

36:31

here. Yeah. And, um, and he

36:33

wanted his, and I saw it over his shoulder and

36:35

I was like, it was cheeky tasteful.

36:39

It was the least, uh, titillating, uh,

36:42

sex, sex. It wasn't good. Was she being

36:45

too hard on it? It was too gynecological. It

36:47

looked like a, like a pap smear. It looks like a

36:49

pullback to 1.5. Yeah. It

36:52

was like, it was actually, it depressed me. He's like,

36:54

and he was like, I don't know. Like it

36:56

was very nice of her to send this, but like I'm not a,

36:59

you know, it's kind of rude. I've

37:01

seen so many of those on my friend's phones. It's my favorite

37:03

thing to look through the DMS that girls

37:06

just send like just, just super dude

37:09

gets Narnar Sushi

37:11

slams. You get Narnar

37:14

Sushi slams. He gets

37:16

that from ladies. Yeah. Wow. So

37:19

he says that he's a homosexual and then girls. He's not

37:21

gay. He's not gay. No, he's not. He's

37:23

not gay. Maybe that's, but that is kind of predatory

37:25

a little bit. No. To say

37:27

you're gay when you're not gay. Yeah. Like

37:30

if I say he's not gay, he yells at me about how gay he is. If I

37:32

say he's gay, he yells at me about how straight he is. So

37:34

I, he has gone

37:36

on a date with men before. He did enjoy

37:38

it. It is true. He went on a date.

37:40

Like he went mini golfing with a guy. He

37:42

went sex, sex, he's, he's, she's, that's

37:44

not a date. That's more of a hookup.

37:46

They got Chinese food. They got Chinese food.

37:49

Yeah. They did. I think it

37:51

was because they didn't go to the mini golfing and

37:54

the guy put the wrapped his arms around Ian and

37:56

then they putt together. No. They

37:58

didn't do that. They're

38:00

men. They don't mention growing a bond

38:02

with one another. Yeah. Yeah, that's like

38:04

each other's dick. That's what girls do

38:06

Yeah, girl's audience But I

38:08

feel like it's so accepted now in society

38:10

like the guys like before there was like

38:12

it was okay to be gay Like they

38:15

were like really just he was in like

38:17

dumpsters and like alleyways and stuff and now

38:19

you could just be like, you know Now

38:22

you get like a fucking prime time

38:25

Emmy for it or something Yeah,

38:27

I remember growing up with lesbian moms and having

38:29

people be like Grabbing

38:32

other servers and pulling them in I

38:34

remember going to summer camp and all my friends Staying

38:36

up till 5 a.m. When my mom was gonna pick me

38:38

up so they could see a lesbian like it was totally

38:41

crazy Like the zoo like the zoo They're

38:45

good with animals Maybe

38:47

yeah My

38:50

mom was a vet the first time I

38:52

heard the word I was a little kid

38:55

it was and my parents were listening to NPR and

38:57

they said lesbian and I started crying and Because

38:59

it sounded like an alien. It sounds like a

39:02

Alien, that's what I thought it was And

39:05

I know it done and they were like why you crying

39:07

and then I said because they said

39:09

something about like lesbian like

39:15

The lesbian movement or something and I'm like are they

39:17

cut they're like gonna come to earth It

39:19

sounds like a monster. Yeah. Yeah, I cried when I

39:22

was being there a sitting You know when I cried

39:24

I cried when I watched dumb and dumber when I

39:26

was a kid Why

39:28

my parents rented it for me

39:30

and they went out to dinner I was with

39:32

a sitter when they give the little boy the

39:35

blind boy the bird and it's dead

39:37

and he's petting it And he says pretty

39:39

bird. I just Started

39:42

weeping as a little kid. I

39:44

felt so I felt so bad for the kids

39:46

Yeah, I know that the bird I Don't

39:50

care about the bird. I just I'm a lesbian. I care

39:52

about the bird. Oh you can you a heart but No,

39:56

I just thought it was like he thinks the birds

39:58

alive. Oh, that would never bother me Really,

40:00

I can see a homeless man like. Folded over

40:02

dying and I feel way more bad for the

40:04

dogs as with him like health. Care

40:07

of. But. The bird that is said. I

40:10

found out my mom was gay. I.

40:12

Didn't cry but I walked in and I thought she was

40:14

being attacked with a. Weapon.

40:17

But it was a dildo. Really?

40:19

you saw a woman them using

40:21

will wither on the Big Fat

40:23

Lady and of Fat Lady Dildo?

40:25

My dentist. To be honest with

40:27

you, your dentist Really? Sounds.

40:30

Without but Amira your target zone Windsor's he and

40:32

I get out here and keep going to her.

40:34

I refresh you put are suing them Walk you

40:36

know is that every a threesome. He.

40:38

Ice as the my that have sex so many

40:41

times. really soul mate and what the hell is

40:43

going Ruthless? You don't have doors in your view,

40:45

your the fuck a lot and ten if we

40:47

don't. A camping trip with this woman named Day

40:50

and I remember names as his name is Jack.

40:52

I was Jack and Day and Little Ditty oh

40:54

wow, Little Didier and and Urinal Day and I

40:56

relish himself. And then one time I said in a cabin

40:58

and I stayed in the attic and. There's a whole and

41:00

I would look through and I would see and

41:02

or what are they doing and and you're like

41:05

that your murdering that vagina. I know here you're

41:07

absolutely. He

41:09

was crash and I remember way looked up at the

41:11

hall so looked like he was looking right My another

41:13

man. says. All die of Said

41:15

this before. we're all my line American

41:17

friends Like South American friends have had

41:19

an uncle who's taking them to whorehouse

41:21

over thirteen and they've all I cried

41:23

and not. Fuck. Yeah it's really drama

41:25

to I must be very tom imagine seeing

41:28

a woman that age just you know he

41:30

would see an adult like an older person

41:32

and then just having them be intimate. All

41:34

the sudden were there crinkly face and too

41:36

much makeup. Me: A kitten seem to make.

41:38

Of me like a something bizarro world Guys are

41:40

no a make a move. A. Woman

41:42

to be wearing blue eye shadow and

41:44

I don't know that she's wearing to

41:46

most rig up really I girls girls

41:48

with my girlfriend be I suzerainty was

41:50

Reagan was Leone. Why?

41:53

Yeah saying. It's also

41:55

funny. like when like a girls like

41:57

that, girls a bitch. I'm always like.

42:00

Was. Using years is long hair Scout

42:02

boobs the so she sees realize that

42:04

longish hair like hell of a girl

42:07

with me. Oh

42:09

related to cigarette and wow those issues.

42:11

Long hair. she of she has boobs.

42:13

That's not true. He picks up on

42:15

people's personalities. know log of I with

42:18

i don't really I maybe I'm just

42:20

amazon dumb bitch is you don't see

42:22

the difference between. Yeah, just like she's

42:24

she seems great. Oh. Yeah, as

42:26

an associate. and actually. I

42:29

want you to rational analysis on

42:31

every hotter and billie his decision

42:34

emotionally or like on a super

42:36

where's oh my god that in

42:38

Rome Suso good, super super smart

42:41

to while. I friends will be like she's funny

42:43

and then tell me something as and it's. It's

42:45

crippling. It's so census it's crazy.

42:47

Yeah, we're idiots if you guys

42:49

are eighty a result of. It.

42:52

Sucks. I wish I was older, but it's fun

42:54

to date a guy because he does are so

42:56

dumb. Yeah. Yeah, it must be.

42:59

It is because you can just eat

43:01

you'd wanna do added he really confusing

43:03

to date a girl is yellow confusing

43:05

or mad all their had a you

43:07

first not doing something that be but

43:09

it's in their head and you don't

43:11

know that they want it. Is.

43:13

That I'm saying that they want it, He should. You

43:15

have to know that they want. A

43:18

all those is your a big your lot of the and.

43:20

We want you to scream into our faces, I love you and

43:22

I'm not leaving. That's all we want. To. Swaddle i

43:24

them family spurs. I work as I do

43:26

I ah refers though is the yeah man

43:28

I wear a wire on the first the.

43:32

Mighty. Wear a wire record almost hurts the

43:35

know. why would I require over this. Is.

43:38

Iowa I got i told ya gonna call

43:40

after the war sort of. From.

43:43

My guys. To. Be like how are

43:45

you doing with his. Wife. And

43:47

I was like my career and they're

43:49

like know the war against are people

43:51

who knows like we really do run.

43:53

Hollywood is closer than ever. Jews run Hollywood.

43:55

Not because it's like that. What? That's where the money.

43:57

Is it started else has like a very shameful.

44:00

Indian Revenge. Know we invented Hollywood? Yeah, Hollywood

44:02

Movie or do you have it. It was

44:04

low brought. My great grandfather was like a

44:06

silent and he was like a scum. Ah,

44:09

I were a film maker you sound film

44:11

actor to the only spoke Italian your great

44:13

revelers there is no shirt and the it

44:15

was very scummy to be an actor so

44:17

then they're like well let's give it to

44:19

the get the jews as here industry because

44:21

you guys are scum Ago when they were

44:23

like get into the oil and yesterday and

44:25

we couldn't get into i go to yo

44:27

I couldn't cole or anything else that yeah

44:30

that we went into the new one You

44:32

did a great job yet you get it

44:34

up it's like it's like are palace I

44:36

basically really good with reveal your job you

44:38

really don't regret given. At you've basically

44:40

browser when eating disorders. so

44:42

much pedophilia uses up eating.

44:45

I finally got the Jewish acts. I

44:47

was watching that pedophile documentary. Where

44:49

they all talk over. If

44:52

he ah man and why they were was

44:54

it was pedophiles itinerary. the vast the him

44:56

only. A little boy a that silly dog.

44:58

Get there will. Lead us out then sided

45:00

on. That So the fleet the is it

45:02

is. The real his own

45:04

ago capturing the fried move. Yeah

45:06

yeah oh I thought you were

45:09

talking about the the fucking the

45:11

Hollywood Pedophile boot Nickelodeon documentary Know.

45:13

That was crazy, but not as crazy as when I

45:16

went down. The google whole of what

45:18

Amanda Bynes is like now you

45:20

see was huge Issue is crazy

45:22

crazy looking labour unrecognizable. You.

45:24

Don't I thought they were Etti Winslow

45:26

from Family Matters? Yeah I got I

45:28

got this from of all worlds or

45:30

hip hop on Instagram. course he's is

45:32

due to poor poor know with good

45:35

friends. are. Friends for

45:37

Porn Actress. As fine. Job.

45:40

Of those back in the news he's

45:42

going viral them. Nice for him. Who

45:44

will? Drake from Drake and Josh made

45:46

a whole music video going. I can

45:48

relate, and at one point it pans. Over

45:50

because he's done listed in At one point

45:52

it was younger. Sigma seem to never know.

45:55

Why? Do you get canceled? Because

45:58

he is a drug addict. underage

46:00

girl Guess what

46:02

happened to him. I just saw go to his

46:04

Instagram. He's like a he's like

46:07

a TV star in Mexico now Oh,

46:09

wow. Yeah, they were like vamos like come

46:11

come over Drakey Josh from

46:14

the yeah, documentary Drakey hosh come

46:16

on come over Drakey

46:19

yosh. Yeah, Ricky.

46:21

Oh, she's reiki. Yosh come vamos

46:24

or done Yeah, say Jordan or

46:26

done. Yeah, he's like just a

46:28

TV personality in Mexico now since

46:30

then The doc did

46:32

it. I don't know what did it? No, I

46:34

guess it I made a document he made a music

46:36

video where it pans over to a cream for like

46:39

five like it Lingers on cream and then you

46:41

look up the cream obviously because of how long

46:43

it stays on it and it's anal Like

46:46

fissure. It's anal like Rub

46:50

cream like when you cut your a That

46:53

That's real. That's real. Isn't that crazy?

46:56

What is he does music

46:58

video? He's a musician literally the music video

47:00

it shows him going into a trailer

47:02

with an older man as a boy It's

47:05

so on the nose It's crazy And then it shows him

47:07

in a hospital bed and it trails over

47:10

to cream and you're like is

47:12

that is that like Sponsoring this music video

47:14

and you look it up and you're like,

47:16

oh my god. It's about cream I mean,

47:18

but it is like it's pretty obvious like

47:20

why that industry like attracts pedophilia Because it's

47:22

like people who's like children who are desperate

47:24

to be famous and his parents are throwing

47:26

them into that like Yeah, if

47:29

you're like the guy deciding which child it is

47:31

and if you're a pedophile You're like, I'm gonna

47:34

get that job the guy who decides which child

47:36

goes on Lizzie McGuire and Lizzie

47:38

McGuire when she auditions Has to look pretty she

47:41

has to kind of act like an adult in order to be

47:43

funny and cheeky. Yeah, exactly, you know she

47:45

has to be like I'm a Adult

47:47

girl and they're like I

47:51

was watching the news when I was growing up. I

47:53

never watched any like crap. I watched a lot of

47:55

it really? Yeah I

47:58

love drink news. You love drinks love them. For

48:01

the singer? Drake of Drake and Josh.

48:03

Oh yeah. Have you ever looked

48:05

up Drake's dad? I don't

48:07

know I've never seen Drake and Josh. No Drake

48:10

the singer's

48:13

incredible. Yeah so sick. He's amazing. Have

48:16

you seen him rap? Look

48:18

up his rap. His dad apparently people

48:20

are saying that his dad like

48:23

was getting pussy off of Drake and

48:25

it was a little bit not okay

48:28

how he how he did

48:30

it or something. Who cares? Get where

48:32

you find it. The fucking Drake and

48:34

Kendrick thing it was like it was

48:37

just it was a huge week

48:39

for white people. It was

48:41

a huge week for white guys. Drake

48:43

Velasquez shout out told me

48:45

that in the rap off or whatever it's called they

48:48

didn't even say any faggy they weren't even calling each

48:50

other gay it was just like was

48:52

it just like analytical emotional

48:55

banter back and forth? No

48:57

it got to a place where Drake said

48:59

you beat women and then he said that

49:01

you you fuck kids. Oh

49:03

you fuck kids is a good blow. Yeah yeah

49:06

and Drake is kind of stuck because he can't

49:08

be like oh well 17 is legal. You

49:11

can't say it. 17 is legal. You can't publicly

49:13

say that. Jerry Seinfeld. Yes you

49:15

can. It's crazy Jerry. Crazy.

49:18

It's crazy Jerry. It's crazy. That was

49:21

season five of Seinfeld. That's when that

49:23

was like must-see TV the number

49:25

one show on television. How old was she? 15? Like

49:28

17. Shoshana? She had big old thing.

49:31

She was hot. 17 is fine. Yeah

49:33

yeah but Drake in this day and

49:35

age Drake can't say that. If

49:38

it is 17. Every 17 year old

49:40

looks like a fucking cum goblin right now anyway because they're

49:42

all getting their boobies pumped up and their and their lip

49:44

fillers filled in and they all look like they're

49:47

shaped to have a penis inserted. Speak on

49:49

that. Speak on that. And

49:51

then old women are just becoming more 17 year old like

49:54

looking and everybody's into kids now.

49:56

No one's talking about that either. All these old

49:59

women that are trapping penis. They were

50:01

like, I thought you were 12. And she's

50:03

like, no, I want to

50:05

get married. He's like, you get

50:07

to catch a, uh, yeah. That's

50:10

like, uh, that's the new way they do it.

50:12

Yeah. Yeah. Catch

50:15

a, catch an old bitch. No, they all

50:17

look like Peking duck. There's two heroes in

50:19

this world. Marcus Monroe.

50:21

Who's that? A comic who can juggle really well, who's

50:23

married to a woman that's 15 years older than him.

50:27

I love that. Who has just

50:29

a regular ass looking wife. He's a good

50:31

guy. Homely, if anything. Yeah. Love

50:34

it. I mean, I think that that is a, have

50:36

you seen Pierce Brostin's wife? No.

50:39

He's got a, he's got like a. Bag of

50:41

shit. She's a big old gal.

50:43

Yeah. Yeah, but is she like a

50:45

beard? Cause like Hugh Jackman's a beard. Maybe gay. I

50:47

don't know. But it is cool when someone has an ugly wife.

50:49

It's great. Yeah. I don't

50:51

have that option. I can't be like a really. You could

50:54

have an ugly wife. Yeah. But

50:56

I can't be like, oh, it's like, look at that

50:58

ugly guy. With his ugly wife. He deserves that. Right.

51:00

I can't be like, look at that sexy man with

51:03

that ugly wife. He must be, have a heart of

51:05

gold or be gay. Right.

51:07

Or be a gay guy with a heart of gold. Or

51:11

she's rich. I automatically think she's rich. Or

51:13

she's rich. Yeah. Yeah.

51:16

I go. She's rich quick. But Marcus

51:18

Monroe, his wife has a daughter that's like his age.

51:20

That's what's crazy. Really? Yeah.

51:23

And when a man does that. It's very

51:25

strange. It's a pornographic film. Isn't that interesting?

51:28

He's a hero, but a man doing that would be disgusting. Would

51:31

you ever date an old ass man? Yeah.

51:35

The problem is the breath goes. The breath goes

51:37

pretty quick. It really smells terrible. I

51:40

remember that from synagogue when I was a little

51:42

kid. Yeah. Those old men would

51:44

just blast you in the face with just the fuck.

51:46

It smelled like poo poo. Yeah. Yeah. I

51:49

would go 50. You go 50? That's not old.

51:52

What about a 70 year old man? No, no,

51:54

no. I just found out William Chatter's 93

51:56

years old. Oh

51:59

my God. He looks amazing. I

52:01

need to see what he looks like. I

52:04

need to see how old he is. Alright. I

52:07

hate podcasting. We're doing a great job. Are we?

52:10

What's the guy, Ron White posted a

52:12

video where he's like, my mom died, she's

52:14

69 years old. She's

52:16

not 69. In the video he looks 85.

52:18

I think he's older than 69. Oh, his mother just died? Yeah.

52:21

Yeah. People's

52:25

looks can really fall off suddenly

52:27

or they could just, like me,

52:29

I'm looking young for 37, but

52:32

there's going to be a day where I wake up

52:34

and I'm just hideous. I

52:37

just look like a disgusting woman.

52:41

Like Fran Lebowitz, basically. Yeah, I get to

52:43

Fran pretty quick. I'm

52:45

going to look like a man pretty soon.

52:47

I mean, it's already starting to happen, but

52:49

I'm going to age like a Native American

52:51

chief. I'm just going to get square.

52:53

How old are you? Almost

52:56

33. 33 years old? 33,

52:58

yeah. May 28th. Wow.

53:01

So are you freezing your eggs? No. So

53:05

what are you going to do? I'll get the abortion

53:07

laws changed. Have

53:09

you ever caught a body? Oh, no.

53:12

I've caught a lot of loads, no bodies. I

53:14

think it might be a spittoon again. It's happened

53:17

twice. It's happened twice for me. Same

53:19

girl? Different girls. Yeah, I just, that's great.

53:21

Yeah. It's sad. It is

53:23

sad. It's really sad. It's really sad.

53:26

I'm really glad that I haven't had to do it. It's

53:28

all like, yeah. I'm always worried about a

53:30

hometown. Go Democrats. It's sad

53:32

no matter what. Like, yeah. Yeah.

53:35

Yeah. Especially if you love the

53:37

person. Even if you don't, then you're like, fuck that

53:39

guy. I'm going to have my little buddy. Yeah.

53:42

I think it's the first time it

53:44

happened. I was like in my early

53:46

twenties and we went and

53:48

we got the address wrong of where the place

53:50

was and we thought it was in the nice

53:52

neighborhood and it was in the not nice neighborhood.

53:56

And I like had brought the New Yorker

53:58

to like. wait in

54:00

the lobby and they're like lay that down and we'll

54:02

cut it out of it. It was all like, it

54:04

was all black dudes and me and I had the

54:06

New Yorker under my arm and it

54:08

was just like there were guys with teardrop tattoos that

54:10

were on the phone with their mom and they're like,

54:13

mom, is that bitch lying? She said it was like

54:15

supposed to be 400, but it's like 600. They

54:18

said it was cash only too. I had to go to the

54:20

ATM to pay for the murder. Why didn't you

54:22

leave immediately? Hello. Hey, come in. Hi.

54:26

Welcome to hell. Welcome to hell. Why

54:30

didn't you leave? Why don't I leave what?

54:32

And go to a different clinic. Because

54:35

we, because I don't know. She

54:38

went into the room. I went

54:40

in with my friend while she got a baby chopped out

54:42

of her. Sucked it, sucked and chapped. It

54:44

was really intense. Sucked and chopped. At

54:46

one point she said stop. I changed my mind. And

54:48

they said, no, we already chopped it all up. Like

54:52

they put it in the, what do you

54:54

call it? They chop it and then they sucked it before

54:56

the pill. They chop it inside? Yeah. Chop

54:58

it up. Suck it out. Yeah. Sushi

55:01

style. It should be. It is kind of,

55:03

it is shit against Christ. Of course. It

55:06

is a little bit. It is a little bit. It is

55:08

a little bit. It is against God's plan. It is a

55:10

little bit against Christ. It sucks. Yeah. I'm

55:13

for, we have whatever the girls want, but it is like, it is a little bit against

55:15

Christ. Yeah. Yeah.

55:18

I mean, I don't know. Like, yeah, that's a

55:20

horrific thing. Have you heard of this guy

55:22

Kermit Gosnell? No. There was

55:24

this guy in Philly who was like the,

55:26

like they, there was

55:29

like a, like the FBI busted

55:31

him and he was like

55:33

the, the, the DIY,

55:36

like a, like bringer of death.

55:38

And he was like doing like

55:40

very unsafe abortion practices.

55:43

I think also like after like birth, he

55:45

was like killing them. I think they, they

55:47

described the scene that they walked into and

55:50

it was like horrific. I'm going to faint.

55:52

I'm going to pass that. Why

55:54

do we, what is the, what is podcast?

55:57

What is the point? Why do we do like? We

56:00

could just hang out with each other. We

56:04

are hanging out. And then we're just talking about this

56:06

nasty stuff. We can't say anything we really want to

56:08

say. And then these people are like, where is Nick?

56:11

Where is Nick? They're not saying that. Where is

56:13

Nick the Jew? It's

56:15

the Jew and the fucking,

56:17

that bitch, that

56:19

bitch and the Jew. They're not

56:21

saying that. And he repeated that story.

56:24

That story was from 2018, May 3rd. I

56:28

have it on the spreadsheet. He said it on Come

56:30

Town. Stop calling him gay

56:32

after he told that story. Why are you turning

56:34

all of a sudden? I just don't want to

56:36

podcast today. I don't want to podcast today. You

56:38

don't have to. I'm an actress now. What

56:41

happened? I'm an actress now. What happened with the

56:43

abortion? I'm an actress. Guess what? I had one

56:45

taste of the Hollywood life going in

56:48

for one audition. And now I've

56:50

seen what I could be doing instead of

56:52

this. Chateau Marmont. But what about the abortion

56:54

made you feel this way? What's going on?

56:56

What's going on? The abortion thing is because

56:58

we talk about this nasty stuff on the

57:00

radio. Oh yeah, you hate the nasty stuff. I'm just sick of

57:02

this. I forget that you hate the nasty stuff.

57:05

It's just too gross. We

57:08

didn't talk about that. We talked

57:10

about probably anal or something. Yeah,

57:12

and it's like still birth, Gaza

57:14

still birth, prolapse, anus, and they're

57:16

like, oh don't tell me. It's

57:20

my first amendment right. Because if we were hanging out, we'd be

57:22

talking about our friends and we're not allowed to talk about that.

57:24

We can't talk about that. We can't talk about people. All right,

57:27

that's all I want to do is talk shit about people. I

57:29

know. Right? It's

57:31

really hard. So let's just talk shit. Okay, first

57:33

micro scene. Huge dick. We

57:35

can't even do it. Ridge

57:39

wall. Okay, let's do an ad for this. I lost my

57:41

ridge wall. They're going to love this. Okay.

57:48

Oh, my girlfriend said it's

57:50

from restoration hardware. Okay,

57:52

gotcha. Okay. Okay,

57:55

so you're trying to get a couch, guys. And

57:57

now, like, people know you're trying to get a couch.

57:59

That's fine. I don't care this is

58:01

against Christ you make you do nothing I

58:04

put your penis between two giant. I

58:06

don't do nothing all day do this. No, you don't

58:08

do nothing Hard you

58:10

just went to the Bahamas or wherever the fuck I

58:13

went to Jamaica and it was because Why

58:15

would you go to Jamaica because I have a lot of

58:17

respect for what that culture is giving me Do

58:20

you want to Jamaica? Yeah,

58:22

why I don't know what seemed odd. It's

58:24

a tropical island How'd you

58:26

like it? Trump

58:29

was right. She didn't whole country. Yeah, I'm just

58:31

kidding. No, it's beautiful I love like the patois

58:33

that way you went cuz you got all into

58:35

the chat hang Yes, I've been doing duo lingo

58:38

patois and I went there and I

58:40

was like ear me now ear me now This

58:43

be Adam Friedland I

58:45

did my act I got

58:49

booed and Then

58:52

I I did some daggering. Do

58:54

you know what dagger you know? Yes. Yeah It's

58:57

like the dance the sexual dancing style they do.

58:59

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

59:02

where it's like just Yeah,

59:05

did you do that? No

59:08

Read the read the wallet. I did it and

59:10

I hurt my penis. How long were you there?

59:12

We don't have to talk about that. See we

59:15

came and talk about that We can't even talk

59:17

about we had a resort thing or did you

59:19

stay it like a little Airbnb? Oh nice. I

59:21

was with my my friends from my Jewish friends

59:24

From from before From

59:27

the day from before Before

59:29

the screen. Sorry. I'm a

59:31

badass you right now cuz I'm an actress. Is it cuz

59:33

you're hungry No, I ordered

59:36

you a salad. No, I had it. I told

59:38

you I had a hamburger before this Okay,

59:40

we can cut all this. I'm

59:42

just telling him to cut things. It's gonna

59:44

be two minutes long. That's fine That's

59:47

what they get No, I

59:49

like the freak out. That's gonna be must-see TV

59:51

guys the Ridge wallet Ridge

59:53

launched with a simple belief Ridge launched

59:56

with a simple so embarrassing

59:58

guys Cut

1:00:00

that. Ridge launched with

1:00:02

a simple belief that they

1:00:04

can make wallets better. I

1:00:08

do like Ridge Wallet and I lost mine. Everyone loves

1:00:10

Ridge. Two Kickstarters

1:00:12

over 10 years and over 5 million

1:00:14

wallets later, they're still starting every day

1:00:16

with that same mentality. Only

1:00:18

now is to improve all the

1:00:21

items that you carry every day.

1:00:23

So guess what, guys? They've expanded

1:00:25

their lineup to keychains, pens, backpacks.

1:00:28

I use the backpack, the Ridge commuter

1:00:30

bag. It's very good. They have aluminum

1:00:32

wallets. They have RFID guards in their

1:00:34

wallets. Guys,

1:00:37

they had a fucking Super Bowl ad.

1:00:39

They're only advertising on the show because

1:00:41

they feel bad for us. Wallets,

1:00:46

no, they've actually been big supporters of the show. Shout-outs to Ridge. But

1:00:49

wallets for too long were designed to hold everything. Receipts,

1:00:52

gift cards, and anything else you

1:00:54

can stuff in there. I used to have

1:00:56

condoms in there. Well, years

1:00:58

before I fucked. I

1:01:01

put a condom in there. I think I had a condom

1:01:03

in my wallet maybe six years before

1:01:05

I actually had sex. That's good. That's like manifesting.

1:01:07

It's like Jim Carrey's write yourself a million dollar

1:01:09

check. One

1:01:14

day I'm going to use this. And

1:01:16

then I used it, but

1:01:18

it was kind of more of a solo situation. Yeah, practice. You

1:01:22

ever do that? Jack off into

1:01:25

a condom? Did you

1:01:27

do it after health class? No?

1:01:30

When they gave us condoms in health class, I

1:01:32

went home that day, afternoon, jacked off into

1:01:34

it. Just to feel like what it's

1:01:36

like to wear

1:01:39

a condom. They

1:01:41

wanted to put you on mic and give you a voice

1:01:44

modulator. No, no, no. Do

1:01:47

you want to hear a voice modulator

1:01:49

like we're doing a documentary? Yeah. And

1:01:52

then Diddy invited me to one of

1:01:54

his pool parties. me

1:02:00

to be a rapper. I

1:02:03

said I've never even rapped before he said don't worry

1:02:05

about it get on the couch. They

1:02:10

turned basically they turned everything on

1:02:12

on its head what

1:02:16

is it I can't even

1:02:18

read anymore oh

1:02:21

okay okay for too long wallets were used

1:02:23

to carry everything like gift cards and anything

1:02:25

else you could stuff in there and

1:02:28

then they turned it on its head they

1:02:31

turned that on its head what is that he's

1:02:33

bad it is that like break dancing yeah they

1:02:35

turned it on it they turned that on its

1:02:37

head it's a great company with

1:02:40

their minimalist first approach to design so carry less

1:02:42

and live more we have a lot of friends

1:02:44

that use these micro scene uses a huge cock

1:02:47

the materials guys are solid quality

1:02:52

products that and they use

1:02:54

quality materials basically their approach

1:02:57

is material first which

1:02:59

I don't know what that means but it sounds

1:03:01

that sounds good yes good yeah it sounds good

1:03:04

yeah you can feel it also you

1:03:06

think you're gonna not be able to feel it back pocket

1:03:08

but you can't feel it back pocket yeah it's

1:03:10

the it's the micro penis of wall yeah yeah

1:03:14

you know multiple girls have told me that

1:03:16

like a guy has brought no a

1:03:18

guy has taken it out and

1:03:20

they're like they're like they

1:03:22

felt bad enough to just let him a

1:03:25

hundred percent yeah I've been so

1:03:27

mean to say not uh-huh I've

1:03:29

had a tiny penis unveiled and I've been like I'm gonna

1:03:32

do that's so nice yeah what am I gonna

1:03:34

do get it out of here I've done I said get it out of

1:03:36

here to a big dick because that I don't feel

1:03:38

bad one time I had a bad day and girl

1:03:40

I was dating gave me a two hand and

1:03:43

I was like you don't need two

1:03:45

hands but it's really nice yeah that's

1:03:48

really nice I'm like that's really nice awkward

1:03:50

when you try and do the two hand but they're not

1:03:52

a two-hand guy cuz then you know I

1:03:54

can do a little bit two hand if

1:03:57

it's a child But

1:04:02

Ridge Wallet, never mind, it's

1:04:04

a great everyday carry. So

1:04:08

they've taken their innovative design and material approach to

1:04:11

create products that you can rely on. The items

1:04:13

you carry every day are your tools for better

1:04:15

living and make them something that you can count

1:04:17

on. Oh look, look, look. Ridge

1:04:20

Wallet key thing. I

1:04:22

love this key thing. I

1:04:24

hated it when I first got it and now I really

1:04:27

love it. Yeah, you walk around, you got jingle jingle

1:04:29

in your pocket. It's got good

1:04:32

torque. Yeah, look at

1:04:34

that. When you use it, it's torques. Look

1:04:36

at that. That's a phenomenal. You

1:04:38

know, I have these keys bouncing around.

1:04:41

Bouncing around. You know, and when you're

1:04:43

sneaking up on someone from behind, that

1:04:45

completely blows your cover. So

1:04:47

you can use one of those. Is this funny? Every

1:04:51

other culture calls... Promo code

1:04:53

Taffs, ridgewallet.com, discount, ridge.com,

1:04:55

promo code Taffs. Go ahead.

1:04:59

I don't like when you talk about different cultures.

1:05:01

Every other culture calls sneakers like

1:05:04

tennis shoes, basketball shoes, trainers,

1:05:06

and we call them sneakers.

1:05:08

What do you mean every other

1:05:11

culture? In different parts of America, they say... We're

1:05:13

sneaking up on people. Yes, let's

1:05:15

go. Yes, pizza man. There's

1:05:18

something there, but like

1:05:20

it's not a cultural. I

1:05:24

mean, in like Ohio, they

1:05:26

probably call it something like a tennis

1:05:29

shoes or something. No, I don't think it's like that.

1:05:31

Oh yeah, dude. Pizza

1:05:34

man. Wait, what did you say? I

1:05:38

have a joke about black people that they are loud. I

1:05:40

don't like that. Okay, go ahead. That they

1:05:42

are loud, but it's just because... I have a joke about black

1:05:44

people. I have a joke about black people being loud. I apologize.

1:05:47

Being loud? Yeah, because they

1:05:49

are loud. They're loud. And

1:05:52

it's just because white people have been scheming since

1:05:54

the beginning of time. Oh, okay. That's the joke.

1:05:56

So that would go good with the sneakers. Thank

1:05:58

you, Pete. So they should... learn how to how

1:06:01

to scheme do yeah that's

1:06:04

what the sneakers are for maybe if you stop calling

1:06:06

them basketball shoes you quite the fuck down I

1:06:11

love this he's loving it

1:06:13

yeah he's loving me all day he's

1:06:15

loving it I'm doing nothing to make

1:06:21

you want to you want to Mike in the in the control

1:06:23

room P is the

1:06:25

food here yeah where's the where

1:06:27

the salads we

1:06:31

have enough no

1:06:35

no we'll get we'll get like another five

1:06:38

minutes five minutes and then we can

1:06:40

have salads talk shit about people okay

1:06:42

okay that sounds great just like

1:06:44

sex in the city kind of yeah yeah oh

1:06:47

you've never had anal that's

1:06:49

what we're doing have you ever seen sex

1:06:51

in the city every season me too multiple

1:06:53

times who's your favorite boyfriend burger thank you for

1:06:56

asking me no

1:06:58

one says burgers the bed one says burger

1:07:00

yes when she hits him in the face

1:07:03

why hey you got a pet I hate

1:07:05

Aiden you know he's back on the new show

1:07:07

yeah I know they had to kill big cuz

1:07:09

he sexually assaulted everyone on you want to know

1:07:11

something really honest yeah go ahead big same

1:07:14

exact thing no big he's

1:07:17

a multi-millionaire and he has a

1:07:19

driver but it's the same dynamic what

1:07:21

do you mean with this he calls you

1:07:23

at night he's like hey kid yeah yeah

1:07:25

yeah he's divorced yeah he

1:07:27

has a driver yeah he died on Peloton

1:07:30

yeah he's

1:07:32

actually assaulted everyone on set 100%

1:07:36

I don't see you that way I see you as a

1:07:38

Steve but everybody you always say if

1:07:40

it's an Aiden or a big or a

1:07:42

burger yeah and plenty of Aiden burger is

1:07:44

the best because he's all the writers

1:07:46

and he's just he's just like this

1:07:48

bitch is doing like like shitty

1:07:51

writing about getting her ass fucked and stuff

1:07:53

and he's probably really good at writing it

1:07:56

probably drives him nuts yeah

1:07:58

he was too and also Ron Livingston What

1:08:00

happened to that guy? Great actor. Office

1:08:03

face, band of brothers. He loves him. He has a show

1:08:05

now. He has a show now. What is the show? It's

1:08:08

the show that you clicked the other day that we watched

1:08:10

for two seconds and we were like, oh, it's really bad,

1:08:12

remember? No,

1:08:15

no, no. The other one, it was two seconds long.

1:08:17

I forget what it's called. But Berger's the star of

1:08:19

that one. It's called something. It has

1:08:22

like an adaptation cover. I

1:08:25

don't know. Wait, so she had a dream and then got

1:08:27

mad at you from the dream? You

1:08:30

can say it quietly. No one's hearing you. Yeah,

1:08:33

what is it? Why do they do that? They

1:08:36

know that they, but they all

1:08:38

do. I think it happened to me two months

1:08:41

ago. Yeah. There's

1:08:43

so many in the dream. Also,

1:08:46

there is some honesty to it. It knows who they

1:08:48

are in your dream. And it

1:08:50

is completely uncharacteristic in the dream. Because

1:08:54

you just watch this person do a thing, and then you

1:08:56

wake up and you're like, I can't really deal. I don't

1:08:58

want to talk about this. This is so

1:09:00

gay. You brought it up, and

1:09:02

now he wasn't here to defend

1:09:04

himself. I stood up for you.

1:09:07

I stood up for you. I know that it's stupid

1:09:09

to get mad. Who do they think they are? If you see somebody in

1:09:11

the dream do something bad and you wake up and they're next to you,

1:09:13

it's hard to not be like, oh, hi. Oh

1:09:17

my god. You know what I heard recently? When

1:09:21

one person starts checking the other

1:09:23

person's phone, it's because they've either

1:09:25

already done infidelity or they're considering

1:09:27

infidelity. So they want to catch the

1:09:29

other person. I've never checked a phone.

1:09:32

I've never checked a phone either. Because any

1:09:34

time I've accidentally seen something, I always find,

1:09:36

you know what I mean? Any time I

1:09:38

look over in any way, I always hurt

1:09:41

my own feelings. No,

1:09:43

I know sushi. You see sushi? No sushi. The

1:09:47

first time a girl ever asked me for a picture

1:09:49

of my penis, I said, really? And

1:09:53

so I just took a picture.

1:09:57

And I didn't know that. Flaccid. Yeah, it was flaccid.

1:09:59

And she said. She's like, you

1:10:01

kind of ruined my day. I

1:10:04

was like, oh, I didn't know that. It

1:10:07

was when that technology had

1:10:09

just started. Yeah. On a

1:10:12

razor? Yeah, I

1:10:14

sent it on a chocolate. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

1:10:17

I sent it on a sidekick. Nextel.

1:10:20

Beep, beep. I sent it on a, yeah,

1:10:22

where you at. Chirp, chirp, where

1:10:24

you at? Yeah,

1:10:26

I've never really been. I get dick pics sent to

1:10:29

me all the time from unknown numbers, all the

1:10:31

time. Really? Yeah. That's

1:10:35

very smart, brother. Yeah.

1:10:38

It's the same person. And I block him, and he

1:10:41

keeps doing it. Really? Yeah. What

1:10:43

if it's someone you know? We've

1:10:46

got to entrap this person. I've tried

1:10:48

calling and being like, leave me alone. And

1:10:50

then I just. You called the number? Yeah.

1:10:52

It's kind of funny just to lead with that, just

1:10:54

a penis. Eventually, you'll be

1:10:57

like, all right. Yeah,

1:11:00

yeah, yeah. OK, fine. It

1:11:02

happens all the time. He said he got my number

1:11:04

from Tinder a long time ago. And then I looked

1:11:06

it up, and it wasn't in the history. I

1:11:09

saw on the street, there's a guy

1:11:11

in a car, and he was street

1:11:13

harassing a girl. Street harassing. I got

1:11:15

street harassed today, and I yelled at him. So great.

1:11:18

But it's kind of a little flip. No, I got really mad

1:11:20

today. What did he say? He was

1:11:22

like, what's up, beautiful, blah, blah, blah. And I was like,

1:11:24

stop. I was like, please stop. And he was like, no,

1:11:26

you with you on his abs, you got it there. And

1:11:29

I was like, what are you doing? Do you want

1:11:31

to have sex? No, but he was just mumbling.

1:11:33

And he sounded like that? Just the black nonsense.

1:11:36

You know, just blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

1:11:38

you know. Just that, that, or what's the race

1:11:40

company? Sorry.

1:11:43

Yeah, there was a guy in a car, and he

1:11:46

was just playing saxophone. And I was like, get away from

1:11:48

me. He was playing saxophone at you? Oh,

1:11:51

fine. Oh,

1:11:53

fine. Yeah,

1:11:56

there was a guy in a car, and then

1:11:58

he clearly didn't have a car. His bit prepared.

1:12:00

Yeah, he didn't have his line. He didn't have

1:12:02

his line ready He just saw the girl and

1:12:04

he got so aroused that he's

1:12:07

like, oh I gotta say something and he

1:12:09

goes He just goes please please please please

1:12:14

And then she stopped and she's like what and he goes

1:12:18

Why why are you so beautiful? and

1:12:20

then she And then he

1:12:22

drove away because he was so embarrassed because he

1:12:24

didn't have anything prepared my favorite Why are you

1:12:26

so beautiful a couple weeks ago a guy drove by

1:12:28

me and he goes what's up? He was

1:12:30

like what's up, baby? And I turned him because his

1:12:33

window was right next to me I went what is wrong

1:12:35

with you? And then we both were so like jarred by

1:12:37

my reaction that we both just started laughing and he was

1:12:39

like, I'll see you And I was like bye this

1:12:42

is good It

1:12:44

is like a little bit like I don't

1:12:46

know it's like no cuz it's never

1:12:49

It's always from a gnarly dude and you're like I hate

1:12:52

that you're even considering me as an option I want

1:12:54

you to not even see me. I want to blend

1:12:56

into the linens of New York, you know They

1:12:59

don't want to arrive on your radar It's

1:13:02

the batting average of that of those guys. It's

1:13:05

got to be very low. I don't know I

1:13:07

don't think it's ever worked. I have friends who

1:13:09

have fucked like uber drivers and stuff. Really? Yeah

1:13:13

Abubakar is yeah, really? Yeah,

1:13:16

you know, he was a doctor in his country. I

1:13:18

know she did it I told my

1:13:20

dad. I'm in a doctor. One of my friends

1:13:22

fucked up Chloe fucked the FedEx delivery

1:13:24

guy Well, that's like a that's

1:13:26

a kind of a you know, like

1:13:28

sex porn thing, right? It's

1:13:31

an AIDS thing. It's that's how you get HPV.

1:13:33

It's not good. Yeah, he doesn't exist anymore. I'm

1:13:35

sorry for saying AIDS I shouldn't have said that

1:13:38

HPV That's the thing that

1:13:40

it is Yeah, that's so

1:13:42

funny you have it too. Yeah, but it

1:13:45

doesn't do anything to go. It's really fucked

1:13:47

up Because of our fish

1:13:49

tank We didn't have a

1:13:51

fish tank that wouldn't happen Yeah, I

1:13:53

mean I guess like uh What

1:13:55

was I saying? Oh, yeah, the batting average has to be low, but like

1:14:00

I don't understand, like, oh, I went to, like,

1:14:02

I told you, I went to a lesbian bar.

1:14:04

Yeah. With two lesbians. Yeah.

1:14:07

And I was like, let's go to the club. Yeah. And

1:14:09

they were like, there's just one bar left

1:14:11

in New York City for lesbians. Yeah,

1:14:13

the hole, the bottom hole. The hole, the

1:14:15

cubby hole. The cubby hole. Yeah. Dude,

1:14:18

I got stalked from the cubby hole. I went

1:14:20

into the cubby hole with my gay friends, got

1:14:22

a stalker, and it

1:14:24

was intense for a little bit there. Patty.

1:14:28

At the place? Yeah. Okay. So

1:14:31

I was there and there was another guy there.

1:14:33

I thought I'd be the only guy, right? No,

1:14:36

believe that. And I was like, I'm about

1:14:38

to pay respect to the culture. And

1:14:41

then there was another guy there. And I saw

1:14:43

him the second we walk in, he

1:14:45

goes up to my girlfriend and he's like, what's

1:14:47

up? How are you doing?

1:14:49

And I was like, here? Of all places here? I

1:14:51

was like, fuck off, bro. Like, and

1:14:53

I was like, what the fuck is going on? Like

1:14:55

this happened here? And then

1:14:57

I keep watching the guy all night and

1:14:59

he's going around. And at first he's starting

1:15:02

with like the lipstick ones. And

1:15:04

then he's hitting up like mad owls. He's

1:15:07

hitting up rapinos. He's going mad owls?

1:15:09

He's like, he's going, then he starts

1:15:11

going for everyone. And they're all like,

1:15:14

you understand what this place is. But

1:15:17

like, I, at a certain point- It's kind of a good

1:15:19

move. Let's be able to do require the dick sometimes. We

1:15:21

do. At a certain point I'm like, this

1:15:23

is the most amazing man I've ever seen in my entire

1:15:25

life. He is doing the right thing because lesbians

1:15:27

do crave cock. And if they're not getting a

1:15:29

woman, then they will just do that. I don't

1:15:32

think that- Yes, they do. I do. My

1:15:34

mom's, they do it. No, one of them gags.

1:15:36

They fuck guys? Occasionally

1:15:38

my mom, my biological mom, she'll

1:15:40

go get some. Yes, right. I

1:15:42

don't have remedies. No,

1:15:46

but like at a certain point it's like that

1:15:49

guy, like what,

1:15:51

like what happened? And I went up to him again.

1:15:53

I was like, what's, what's, what

1:15:55

are you doing? Like I'm like

1:15:58

fast. I just have to know. and

1:16:00

then he was too drunk to even explain it.

1:16:02

So I'm like, is this your thing? It's like

1:16:04

getting turned down by lesbians, like you're fetish. He

1:16:06

is a wasted guy who wandered into a bar

1:16:09

and went, so many ladies, perfect, let's go. Dude,

1:16:11

the ratio is popping here. What's gonna happen? Totally.

1:16:15

No, there's Woods, Woods is in another gay bar. Woods

1:16:18

Woods. Woods is in Williamsburg, it sucks.

1:16:20

But I've been there really tough. For

1:16:22

chicks? Both gays. Do

1:16:25

lesbians even have songs? Like, that like. Yes,

1:16:28

on a smart set. Oh,

1:16:31

they have that. Come to my window. Oh,

1:16:33

okay, I guess, yeah. I'll be home. Who's

1:16:35

this at? I'll be home for Christmas. I'll

1:16:37

be home for Christmas, is a lesbian song.

1:16:40

Come to my window. I'll

1:16:42

be home soon. Come inside.

1:16:44

That's lesbian. Cause gay guys, Dixie chicks.

1:16:46

It's like the vibe that that place

1:16:49

was so like, it was

1:16:51

so somber. It was

1:16:53

so like, I just gotta get out of this

1:16:55

town. Like that kind of thing. It was tight

1:16:57

in there. But like at a gay

1:16:59

place, they're like, you know, they're making it rain. They're

1:17:02

like. Ugh, gross. Like,

1:17:04

do you believe in life after love? It's

1:17:06

too much. It's like a, it's

1:17:08

a carnival, you know? At that place it

1:17:10

was like. It was like.

1:17:12

Yeah, lesbians are sad people. Oh my God.

1:17:15

These people don't fucking care. We

1:17:17

have to just fucking talk. Oh my God, you're

1:17:19

flipping again. What's going on? All right, let's call

1:17:22

it. Let's call it. Let's just have salad. Okay.

1:17:25

Any final thoughts? Closing thoughts? No. I'll

1:17:28

be guys. I'll be. I'm starting a solo

1:17:31

pod called R.I.P. Jordan Jensen. Really?

1:17:34

Yep. Is Ian cool with that? Yeah. He

1:17:37

promoted it. Oh my

1:17:39

God. Good boy. Wow. Congratulations.

1:17:41

Thank you so much. You're all alone? Like

1:17:43

Bill Burr. No, no, no. I have people

1:17:45

on. But non comics people. It's like

1:17:48

psychology philosophy stuff. Okay, so

1:17:50

keep it a lookout for

1:17:52

that. Another podcast for in

1:17:54

comedy. Guys, I'll be in

1:17:56

London. I think Vancouver maybe. London. Spokane.

1:18:00

Bunch of dates and then I think I'm gonna do a special

1:18:03

in the fall and then I'm

1:18:05

doing special kill Myself

1:18:07

don't do a special. There's too

1:18:09

many specials wait. Don't do

1:18:11

a special. You gotta wait You

1:18:14

gotta wait don't do it. I've been doing standup

1:18:16

for 13. Yeah, you gotta wait. What's the point?

1:18:18

Just wait. It's to boom right now. You gotta wait for it

1:18:20

to calm down a boom in

1:18:22

specials Yeah specials are gonna stop they're

1:18:24

gonna slow down and then I

1:18:26

do my special. Yeah When is

1:18:29

that gonna happen next year next

1:18:31

year? Yeah How do

1:18:33

you know? All right. You should fear sat me down and

1:18:35

talk to me about it. Oh, are you

1:18:37

sure? Yeah Yep

1:18:43

You don't think another comedian telling another comedian don't

1:18:45

do a special you don't want it to be

1:18:47

stopped Nick and then you Have

1:18:50

one to you wait a second. Just wait.

1:18:52

Yeah, but what if I have the one

1:18:54

of the finest comedy specials of all time? That's what

1:18:56

we all think we have. But the thing is that we

1:18:58

don't just wait. Well, he's called live

1:19:00

laugh Wild

1:19:04

happy and free Keep

1:19:08

an eye out for my special it's

1:19:10

called pimp Chronicles 3 check out wild

1:19:12

happy and free don't That's junk

1:19:16

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