0:07

Welcome to the Anxiety Coaches Podcast,

0:09

a relaxing and informative show where

0:12

we explore anxiety, panic and PTSD,

0:14

sharing how you can overcome them

0:16

for life. Aloha,

0:24

welcome back to the Anxiety

0:26

Coaches Podcast. I'm your

0:28

host and coach Gina Ryan, and I

0:30

am so happy to be with

0:32

you again today as together

0:35

we can consider the many

0:37

ways to bring your mind

0:39

and body back to its

0:41

natural peace and calm. In

0:44

today's episode, I'm talking

0:46

about understanding people-pleasing, balancing

0:48

self-care and overcoming anxiety.

0:51

Now, this topic recently came

0:54

up in our group coaching

0:56

membership. We have a Facebook

0:58

group and a post came up about this

1:01

and it was actually more about

1:03

empathy. Now, empathy can

1:06

indeed lead to people-pleasing.

1:08

So that's what was going through

1:10

my head when I was answering

1:12

the post because

1:15

people-pleasing and empathy

1:18

are really tied together. And

1:21

the empathy can

1:23

lead to people-pleasing when it's

1:26

not balanced with healthy boundaries

1:28

and self-awareness. People-pleasing

1:32

is also a topic that comes

1:34

up often in our one-on-one sessions

1:36

and on our group

1:38

Zoom calls. So I

1:40

know that this is definitely

1:42

tied with the

1:45

anxiety tendencies. We

1:48

can all be reminded to take good

1:50

care of ourselves by

1:52

checking in on our

1:55

boundaries and not falling

1:57

into old behaviors that may no

1:59

longer serve us. us because that's

2:01

what people pleasing could be for

2:04

you at this point. It could

2:06

just be an old behavior that

2:08

surfaces when you're highly stressed. So

2:11

to be aware of it

2:14

and actually be working on it

2:16

as you are moving out and

2:18

overcoming your anxiety, this can be

2:21

a wonderful, like

2:23

a booster rocket to

2:26

get you out of the wormhole because

2:28

we can get stuck

2:30

with that kind of not paying

2:33

enough attention to ourselves. We

2:35

can be so empathetic, so

2:38

desiring to please people around us that

2:41

we don't take enough care of ourselves.

2:43

And if we don't take care of

2:45

ourselves, we can't get out of the

2:47

anxious wormhole. Now it may

2:50

have been important at some

2:52

point in your life or

2:54

my life to please

2:56

those around us. Yes,

2:59

it could have been a survival

3:01

mechanism, but now

3:04

in our lives, we can

3:06

examine our behaviors and we

3:08

can decide if they are

3:10

helping us or they

3:12

are harming us and we can actually

3:15

make changes. So

3:17

here are some questions that

3:19

I want you to ask

3:21

yourself to see if your

3:23

anxiety is tied somehow to

3:26

people pleasing or codependency. First

3:28

one, do you often

3:30

find it challenging to decline

3:33

requests or to set boundaries?

3:37

Second one, do you frequently agree

3:39

with others just to avoid conflict? Third,

3:46

are you overly concerned about

3:48

how others perceive you? And

3:50

finally, do you

3:53

struggle with self-confidence? And

3:55

if you answered yes to any of these questions, you

3:57

might want to ask yourself, what do you think of

3:59

yourself? consider that

4:01

maybe your empathy and your

4:05

care for others has crossed

4:07

the line into being a

4:09

people pleaser. Now

4:11

a people pleaser can

4:14

also be called a codependent person,

4:16

prioritizes others happiness over

4:19

their own, often

4:22

at their own expense and

4:24

discomfort. And

4:27

you know what discomfort does to the

4:29

anxious person, right? It just takes us

4:31

further down the wormhole. Because

4:33

we get worried about why am I

4:35

so uncomfortable now? We don't even know

4:37

we're doing these things to ourselves, that

4:40

we are putting our own self

4:44

in harm's way. Now

4:46

according to Dr. Susan Newman, people

4:49

pleasers typically go out of their

4:51

way to ensure those

4:53

around them are happy. Now

4:57

again like I said earlier, this

4:59

may have been something

5:01

you had to do in your life. You know, as

5:04

humans we're amazingly brilliant. As a

5:07

child, you could have learned that

5:09

by keeping certain people in your

5:11

life happy kept you safe. That's

5:15

a scenario that happens. These

5:18

things come up for all kinds of

5:20

different reasons. This is not

5:22

about being angry at yourself or telling

5:25

yourself you're not very good or you

5:27

should be better or why didn't you

5:29

figure it out? No, sometimes

5:32

that came up to

5:35

keep you safe. While

5:39

being empathetic, helpful,

5:42

and considerate isn't inherently

5:44

negative, excessive

5:47

people pleasing can have

5:50

detrimental effects. Over

5:53

time it can erode one's sense

5:55

of self-worth, authenticity,

5:57

and self-esteem. This

6:01

constant need to please others

6:03

can lead to internal conflict,

6:07

feelings of unhappiness, a

6:09

lack of fulfillment, stress,

6:11

depression, and anxiety. It's

6:15

important to recognize that being

6:18

selfless and helping others

6:20

are admirable qualities. But

6:25

when people pleasers consistently neglect

6:27

their own needs, it

6:30

becomes unhealthy. Many

6:34

of our societal influences such

6:36

as schools, religious institutions, and

6:39

cultural norms promote

6:41

altruistic behavior, which can be

6:43

a beautiful way to live

6:46

life. And

6:49

for individuals with strong

6:51

people pleasing tendencies, the

6:54

desire for external validation

6:56

and acceptance can

6:59

become overwhelming. And

7:02

contrary to popular belief, being

7:05

a people pleaser isn't synonymous

7:07

with being genuinely kind.

7:11

It often involves suppressing

7:13

one's own feelings, avoiding

7:16

confrontation, and agreeing to

7:18

things they don't genuinely

7:21

support. This

7:24

behavior can be confusing

7:26

to others and ultimately

7:29

undermines authentic relationships. Today's

7:33

episode is sponsored by Zoe

7:35

Science and Nutrition Podcast. Do

7:38

you feel overwhelmed by the

7:40

conflicting nutrition information available today?

7:43

The food you eat has a lot to do

7:46

with physical and mental well-being. And

7:48

if you're listening to this, I

7:50

know you want help to journey

7:52

out of anxiety to better mental

7:54

health. And that's what we do here.

7:57

So let me introduce you to the Zoe Science Podcast.

8:00

Science and Nutrition podcast,

8:03

where world leading scientists

8:05

explain how their research

8:07

can improve your health.

8:10

And yes, that includes your mental

8:12

health. Don't just take

8:14

my word for it. Stephanie's

8:16

Apple Review says, the

8:19

Zoe Science and Nutrition

8:21

podcast is a life

8:24

changing, science based

8:26

myth busting podcast. That's

8:29

a must listen for anyone who

8:31

eats food and wants

8:33

to understand how it affects

8:35

their body. If you're

8:38

ready to join millions of

8:40

others like Stephanie in transforming

8:42

their health, search for Zoe

8:45

Science and Nutrition, wherever you

8:47

listen to podcasts. Today's

8:50

episode is brought to you by Babbel.

8:52

What if in 2024, you got a

8:55

little bit better every day? It's kind

8:57

of what we do here, right? We

8:59

get a little bit better every day

9:01

by putting one foot in front of

9:03

the other. We don't take great big

9:05

leaps and bounds, but we get better.

9:08

When you're learning a new language with

9:10

Babbel, that's exactly what you're doing. And

9:12

if Babbel can help you start speaking

9:14

a new language in just three weeks,

9:16

imagine what you could do in a

9:18

full year. Let your mind go to

9:21

a different place, a new

9:23

place, a new culture and traditions,

9:25

all while learning a new language.

9:28

Babbel's quick 10 minute lessons are

9:30

handcrafted by over 200 language experts

9:32

to help you start speaking a

9:34

new language in as little as

9:37

three weeks. I've got three days

9:39

under my belt, and I'm having

9:41

a blast. Here's a special limited

9:43

time deal for my listeners. Right

9:46

now you can get up to

9:48

60% off your Babbel

9:50

subscription, but only for

9:53

our listeners at babbel.com/ACP.

9:55

Get up to 60%

9:58

off at Babbel. spelled

10:01

babbel.com/A-C-P. Rules

10:09

and restrictions may apply. So

10:13

here are some common myths that

10:15

people pleasers often hold.

10:19

Believing that conforming to

10:21

others' expectations will make

10:23

them more likable. Thinking

10:28

that pleasing everyone will

10:30

earn universal kindness in

10:32

return. And

10:35

assuming that people pleasing

10:37

guarantees approval, respect,

10:40

and acceptance. Now

10:43

those are definitely myths.

10:47

In reality, setting boundaries and

10:49

expressing genuine thoughts and feelings

10:52

often garners more respect in the

10:55

long run. Even

10:57

though it may initially challenge

11:00

established dynamics. Overcoming

11:04

our people pleasing tendencies requires

11:07

a lot of self-awareness and

11:10

intentional actions. First

11:13

off, I want to remind

11:15

you about self-awareness. Understanding

11:18

your own thoughts, beliefs,

11:21

fears, and motivations is

11:24

crucial. Secondly,

11:27

I want you to learn to say

11:29

no. Practice

11:32

politely declining when you

11:34

need to prioritize your

11:36

own well-being. Start

11:39

small with this, but do practice.

11:43

Third, delay

11:45

responses. Take

11:48

time to consider requests

11:50

before agreeing or declining, which

11:54

allows for thoughtful decision-making.

11:59

And fourth, Practice

12:01

self-love. Embrace

12:03

self-acceptance and prioritize

12:06

your own needs

12:09

without guilt. And

12:11

fifth, authenticity. Communicate

12:15

your true opinions

12:17

and feelings, honestly

12:21

fostering genuine connections.

12:25

Like I said earlier,

12:27

people-pleasing and codependent behaviors

12:30

can contribute to feelings

12:32

of anxiety. Constantly

12:34

prioritizing others' needs and

12:36

opinions over your own

12:39

can lead to a persistent

12:42

sense of unease and stress.

12:45

The fear of disappointing others

12:48

or the fear of

12:50

being judged negatively can

12:53

create a cycle of

12:55

anxiety and overthinking in

12:57

people-pleasers. And

12:59

I think the reverse

13:01

can be true also.

13:03

The people-pleaser

13:07

finds themselves becoming anxious.

13:10

The anxious person can

13:12

find themselves doing people-pleasing

13:15

and the people-pleaser can find themselves

13:18

getting anxious. It feeds each other.

13:20

That's why it can be somewhat

13:22

difficult to get out of without

13:25

really taking some action.

13:30

And the inability to assert

13:32

boundaries or say no when

13:34

necessary can lead to

13:37

feelings of overwhelm and burnout.

13:40

Always striving to meet

13:42

unrealistic expectations set by

13:44

others can

13:46

perpetuate a sense of inadequacy

13:49

and anxiety about not

13:51

measuring up. So

13:53

you can see how this just

13:55

keeps churning. It's another cycle. situations

14:00

the pressure to constantly

14:03

please can result

14:05

in heightened anxiety about

14:07

saying the wrong thing or

14:10

not being liked. This

14:12

fear of rejection or

14:14

criticism can further exacerbate

14:17

anxiety symptoms leading

14:19

to avoidance of conflict

14:22

or uncomfortable situations. And

14:24

you can see where that slippery slope is

14:27

going, right? You stop going

14:29

places, you stop talking to people,

14:31

it just becomes a

14:34

trip down the wormhole.

14:36

Now while the intention behind

14:38

people-pleasing is often to maintain

14:41

harmony and gain acceptance,

14:45

the long-term consequences on

14:47

mental health, including

14:49

the increased anxiety, highlight

14:52

the importance of finding

14:54

a healthy balance between

14:56

caring for others and

14:58

prioritizing your own self-care

15:00

and authenticity. Learning

15:03

to manage stress associated with

15:05

people- pleasing involves

15:08

cultivating self-awareness,

15:11

practicing assertiveness

15:14

and nurturing

15:16

self-compassion. And

15:19

I want to say that

15:22

boldly to you, nurturing self-compassion.

15:25

So when you do a loving kindness

15:27

meditation for an example or

15:29

a meta meditation, do

15:32

as the Buddha instructed and

15:34

do it for yourself first.

15:38

Then go on and offer loving

15:40

kindness to all the others. Even

15:43

the Buddha knew that this was

15:45

a problem. We have to

15:48

take care of ourselves ourselves.

15:51

Now if you're not familiar

15:53

with loving kindness or meta meditation,

15:56

you may be new to the

15:58

show. You could go back and

16:00

listen to episode 574, which is a loving

16:02

kindness guided meditation

16:06

that I take you through. Be

16:08

kind to yourself as you

16:11

navigate out of these learned

16:13

and sometimes very, very old

16:15

behaviors. I want

16:17

you to remember that valuing

16:19

yourself and your needs

16:21

doesn't mean that you're selfish.

16:24

It's about striking a

16:27

balance between helping others

16:29

and maintaining your own

16:31

well-being. Learning

16:34

to say no to less

16:36

important requests can empower

16:38

you to say yes to

16:41

what truly matters to you. And

16:44

the only person who can find this

16:47

balance is you. You

16:50

have to experiment, which

16:52

means you're going to have

16:55

to put up with a little discomfort

16:59

in saying no. A

17:01

little bit of discomfort

17:03

when presenting your

17:05

own opinion. That

17:08

is a good kind of discomfort. That

17:10

is a discomfort that is stretching you

17:13

to become more

17:15

truly who you are,

17:17

to be someone who can live

17:20

in their own skin in this

17:23

chaotic world that we live in. It

17:27

doesn't mean you're selfish. And I have

17:29

to say most of the people that

17:31

I work with, and I've been doing

17:33

this for a very long time now,

17:35

I have talked to a lot of

17:37

people. They

17:40

are not selfish people. I

17:42

have always said this about our group, our

17:45

group coaching membership, because sometimes people

17:47

are nervous about, oh, I don't know if

17:49

I want to post something on Facebook, whatever.

17:52

Our group, these are the most

17:55

kind people you've ever met. We

17:57

have the nicest Facebook group on Facebook.

18:00

Facebook. Why?

18:02

Because most people who are this

18:04

anxious to be out there trying

18:06

to get help are

18:08

also people who are very

18:10

empathetic, people who feel the

18:12

world around them, they feel

18:14

the stress around them, and

18:17

they are often people that

18:19

are trying to make everything

18:22

around them more calm, more

18:24

peaceful, and everyone to be

18:26

happy. But what

18:28

happens? They forget about

18:30

themselves. And that's the

18:33

slippery slope. That's where

18:35

then we become more anxious

18:37

because we are stressing ourselves

18:39

by not being authentic. We're

18:41

stressing ourselves by not saying

18:43

no when we really need

18:46

to. Now this is

18:48

an ongoing process. I'm working

18:50

on this all the time too because

18:53

some of us are born leaning

18:56

this way, just like some of us

18:58

are born leaning a little bit more

19:00

toward anxiety, a little bit more to

19:02

the neurotic side of life. That's okay.

19:04

The world is full of all kinds

19:06

of different ways to be. But when

19:09

we are aware that

19:12

some of our behaviors, if not

19:14

kept in check, will take us

19:16

to an uncomfortable place perhaps even

19:19

down the wormhole, then

19:21

we know it is our responsibility

19:23

to take care of that, to

19:26

check in, to practice

19:28

with our self-care,

19:30

to practice with our

19:32

setting boundaries. The

19:34

more we do it, the more comfortable

19:37

it becomes. I

19:39

hope today's show is helpful for you. And

19:41

again, if you haven't done a loving kindness

19:43

meditation, I hope that you will check out

19:46

episode 574 where

19:48

I guide you through that

19:50

Metta meditation. I'll be back before

19:53

you know it. And

19:55

now for today's quote. When

20:01

you say yes to others, make

20:03

sure you are not saying no

20:06

to yourself. And

20:09

that's from Paolo Coelho. I'll

20:11

be back in a few more days with another

20:14

podcast. Until then, be

20:16

well and aloha.