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1:02

And now the bonfire, with Big J

1:04

O'Kerson and Robert Kelly. Yeah.

1:09

Tuesday... bonfire.

1:12

Uh uh uh. Yeah, club bonfire.

1:15

It's just lucky with

1:17

me, but

1:19

she's in there singing for

1:21

money. Suck our cocks. La

1:25

la dee la dee la, la la dee

1:27

la dee la. La la dee la dee

1:29

la, la la

1:31

dee la dee la. La

1:33

la dee la dee la, la la dee la.

1:36

I said as soon as that organ hit

1:38

in the beginning, it started over though. When

1:40

that song gets to the beginning, it just shot. I don't

1:42

know why. I smoked the right amount of weed, but it

1:44

just shot me back to a better

1:47

time. A better time. Damn.

1:50

I didn't realize how good life was when this song came out.

1:53

What's the way this song came out? Thanks so

1:55

much for watching. I'll see

1:57

you next time. By

2:03

the way, there's no homeless bum chick out there doing her

2:05

hair in the morning. She's

2:07

homeless and does her makeup. That's not what I see. I

2:10

see a woman shaving her hair while half crying laughing

2:12

in the street and shoving her foot in a guy's

2:15

mouth. Taking a shit in a stoop. She's

2:18

never sits there singing for money.

2:22

Dude. What year was it?

2:27

Oh. This is not a good

2:29

time for me. Freshman in high school.

2:34

I had five jobs. I

2:37

had my buddies. We'd

2:40

go after someone's house and hang out. I

2:42

was living with retarded people. How

2:45

old was I, 91? I was probably babysitting. I'm

2:47

not even coming from school and babysitting, but like

2:50

when it was my free time, just go

2:52

dude. But she's homeless. She's

2:54

homeless. I was delivering

2:56

flowers on Sunday. She's

2:59

homeless. Oh my God. I

3:01

was again, how old are we staying here? Didn't

3:04

get laid yet, but the prospect was always so exciting

3:06

that it was going to happen one day still. I

3:09

think I was going to community college for fine art. I

3:11

thought I was going to be an art teacher. I wasn't

3:13

driven by pussy so much because I didn't

3:15

think I was going to get it, but it was like

3:18

horny boy, you know,

3:21

American pie time. And

3:23

it was good. Look at me go. Bussing

3:25

down, Jay. Did you put this out to the world, Christine? Does everybody

3:28

have it? See me busting it open? Yeah. We

3:30

should put it on the feed. Ooh, thank you and me. But

3:32

that's you, right? That's not an app. It's an app.

3:35

Oh, so you're not dancing? No, I could do all

3:37

of this. If you had that body,

3:39

you'd be dancing like that right now. You can't do

3:41

that. I do have that body. Pekka legs and a

3:43

fat meatball. Got it. I'm not going to

3:45

do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do

3:47

that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.

3:50

I'm not going to do that. I do

3:52

have that body. Pekka legs and a fat meatball. Got

3:54

it. You can't do that right now. I think Jay could

3:56

do this dance. What? That right

3:58

there. Right there, that, right

4:00

there. You can't do that right now. You can't

4:03

do it. You can't do that. You can't do

4:05

that. Do that leg move, please. Oh, he's taking

4:07

it in right now. He's taking it in. Here

4:09

we go. Watch the leg move. What's

4:11

that thing? What's the leg

4:13

move here, though? Watch. Wait, not

4:16

here. Twist. Oh, I gotta do the knee move. Knees.

4:18

Yeah, you can do it. Here comes the great

4:20

leg move. Right there, right there, right there. It's just

4:23

like... I mean, jeez. Oh, shit, that's like me at

4:25

a tool concert. Yeah. We

4:28

were just talking about that. I

4:30

was talking about what a disappointment Josh

4:32

was at concerts, and they said Justin is the... But

4:34

you didn't say. He literally said, when we talked about

4:37

Rolling Stones, you said Josh is a great person to

4:39

have at a concert. He's a great person to have,

4:41

but he was disappointing. I thought he would be rocking

4:43

out more. I'm your butler. I thought he would be...

4:45

He was flossing us. We didn't explain this the other

4:47

day. You said he was flossing his teeth doing stuff.

4:50

He was also, I will say, where he sat was

4:53

burdened by nonstop shit happening to his

4:55

left. Plus he was having a fucking

4:57

food eating contest. That's always at a

4:59

concert. I mean, that's just nuts. That's always at

5:01

a concert. I thought he would be rocking and

5:04

singing and kind of dancing. Like

5:06

the guy, remember the guy at the Stones concert? You know

5:09

what, he wasn't as best showing Josh. Was not. The

5:11

parking lot hang fantastic. Great. Once

5:13

we got in, he did go a little new with

5:16

shells. Sunglasses on. Sunglasses. And he just

5:18

kind of was, yeah. Eating popcorn. Yeah.

5:21

Popcorn's a weird thing at a concert. He

5:23

spit it all over me. Yeah. Spit it.

5:25

Yeah, well, we were kind of deciding because

5:27

there's a next week

5:29

it appeared. Jacob, are you going to this? What?

5:32

If we get tickets, I'll go.

5:34

Are you excited to go to the concert? How about you, Lou? Don't sound at

5:36

that enthusiastic. I kind of want to go now. It's a Wednesday night. Lou?

5:40

I'm in. I would love to go, but it's a

5:42

Pearl Jam year. Hey guys, what are we doing? What

5:44

is happening? What the fuck does that mean? I was waiting

5:46

to ask you off the air if you could help

5:48

me get Pearl Jam tickets to Madison Square Garden. Further

5:53

away, you're gonna get them to JT. What band is that?

5:55

So you want him to use his cloud card for that?

5:57

I don't think we can give them to somebody else. I

6:00

think they have to be in my name. Yeah, so why

6:02

don't you go with them? Why don't you

6:04

both go? Oh, oh, oh get them for you. And

6:06

yeah, I could bright Transfer

6:08

them could you couldn't you hey

6:10

we have the same agent we give them two people when we

6:12

do I don't want to open up the window to that being

6:15

a thing. I constantly have to do but I

6:17

would try my best We have the same agent. Yeah,

6:19

I've never used my thing. Oh,

6:22

yes, maybe you use that further Maybe I use

6:24

that for Pearl Jam. Maybe I use my same

6:26

difference. It's just gonna be a website. What is

6:28

it called? Cloud card throw

6:30

your cloud card throw my club card on the table

6:32

with me Bob. I'll go to Pearl Jam with you

6:34

Yeah, as long as you don't fucking ignore me. I

6:38

Don't know what you see the least of what's gonna happen. See

6:40

that Dude

6:45

you don't fucking raise your hands at this

6:47

song this song you keep your head down

6:49

There's the Thursday morning call you're gonna get

6:51

from Bobby dude, dude. You're

6:53

never gonna believe fucking low So

6:55

wait does that what did

6:57

that do with Justin Timberlake? They're They're

7:00

not related. He wanted you to get tickets

7:03

for that thing. Don't use him on that

7:05

He wanted you to use that on his

7:07

well, this is more of a do we

7:09

need to see Justin Timberlake as a crew

7:12

Because yes, I think we might I will Yeah,

7:15

I can do the dance to sexy back. Can you

7:17

though? Yes, I heard my back doing that stupid dance

7:22

The sexy back to know the the fucking

7:24

troll song. Oh you heard when

7:27

I was doing all those spins and shit I

7:29

hurt my back this morning through your back chair,

7:31

and then I hurt my back out again Yeah,

7:33

Justin. What is Justin Silver's here with us by

7:35

the way the Beast Master himself. Hi, what's up,

7:37

Jay? I want to tell you my story my

7:39

gay story about the you know that Homeless

7:42

song when I was in Fire Island for a weekend

7:45

and party with a bunch of gay guys And so

7:47

I'm just playing non-stop Jason Justin listen. I ended up

7:49

topless in the pool I need you to just say

7:51

it this you know guys don't say topless yeah guys

7:53

Don't hang out with gay guys and topless on Fire

7:55

Island. Here's what you don't understand. Oh, we did we

7:58

would spend some time in Fire Island I

8:00

was just when were you there? I was just there

8:02

three weeks ago. I was keep going back What's

8:05

to the straight beach this time? No, you did

8:09

It wasn't as much fun. Would you go to I don't

8:11

know what's the non-gay section? I don't know No,

8:16

there's um, there's what such with that

8:18

fire The

8:23

pines is the bagel on Faye I forgot

8:26

the other taggy I Joe

8:30

listen dude. Yeah, dude. What's

8:32

up? Just say it Say

8:35

what just tell us that one lovemaking story

8:37

you had with a dude. Listen, I told

8:39

us a million times You do only gay

8:42

thing I've ever done. Oh wait was when

8:44

I was on ecstasy when I was no

8:46

God I made out with my friend mark.

8:48

Oh, but I don't did I

8:50

was like I Swear

8:53

to God Bobby the identical thought was about

8:55

to fall out of my mouth Three

8:58

seconds behind you point three seconds

9:01

behind you that is somehow gayer

9:03

than sucking each other's dicks He told me you

9:05

might the guy's dick. I'd be like that's I

9:07

never did that I'm not into it, but you

9:09

made out with him, which is worse Yeah,

9:11

but I was like on three hits of ecstasy I would

9:13

have fucking made out with like can I say something if

9:16

I cut on yeah, I'm gonna do his dick I

9:18

wouldn't be as mad if I came home and

9:20

she was passionately making out with a guy on

9:23

a trampoline Yeah, she was on that we hit

9:25

some fucking mall ecstasy in a rave I get

9:27

it you went right down to sucking some cock

9:29

you had to get some sexuality out dude deep

9:31

kissing and other guys bearded face Listen,

9:34

we were too young to have beards. Oh god. It

9:36

was One

9:38

is lust the other ones passion. Yeah,

9:40

you're right passion lust I'm doing something

9:42

dirty right now versus the old like

9:44

I want to swap spittin fucking stare

9:46

eyes Damn yeah,

9:48

dude. How did you kiss him? Show me how

9:50

you kissed him like dude on you? Yeah, no

9:55

Show me on me show me on Jacob what

9:57

you like like a mat like like a jacob

10:00

Like a married kiss. Show me how. Like

10:03

just like married night. Here, I'll do it on my hand.

10:05

Get close to the front. Ready? Like this. Do it on

10:07

my cheek. Do it on my cheek. Do it on my

10:10

cheek. Yeah, do it on my cheek. You're gonna get soaking

10:12

wet right now. All right, what if I get a heart

10:14

as a rock? Ready? Go ahead, ready?

10:16

Oh, Bobby, you're gonna hate this. Hang on one second.

10:18

You didn't think this out, Bobby. Hang on one second.

10:20

Hang on one second. He's going in open. All right,

10:22

wait, all right. Treat me like Mark. Did

10:25

you say anything before? Wait, why are

10:27

you so rough? He's very rough. Ah!

10:30

Ah! All right, I give

10:33

up! I give up! Pineapple! Pineapple!

10:36

That's my safe word! Safe word is pineapple. Oh,

10:40

God! Wait, and then it went like this. Then

10:42

I went like. Oh,

10:44

God. Mark. What the? Oh,

10:48

Mark. First of all, you're my A sponsor. This is

10:50

not cool. Listen, can you guys talk all that shit

10:52

you want? And Jake, if you could do all the

10:54

oh my gosh's, look at that head of hair. Look

10:56

at that head of hair over there. Look

10:59

at that head of hair. Yeah, wow. I don't

11:01

come from not having a passionate kiss with a man. Jake,

11:04

what if my hair just grew back right now? Right

11:06

there. You see a big patch right

11:08

here? Justin, lick the rest of my head. Damn.

11:11

I'm not gay. Listen, I

11:14

wish I was. It's an easier life, especially

11:16

in my neighborhood. Wow. I

11:18

mean. Telling you. It's an easier

11:21

life. But here's the thing, dude. If you were

11:23

gay, my ass would be fucking

11:25

wrecked. Justin, gay test. That's not

11:27

what I was thinking. That's not what I was

11:30

thinking. Justin, gay test. Do you think Miss Alabama should

11:33

have her crown kept? Take

11:35

a look at Miss Alabama, please. Let me see what she'd do,

11:37

though. What'd she say about the gays?

11:39

Just take a look at her. Say the name of

11:41

the gays. Do you think, looking at her, I have

11:43

to see her. Do you think she's beautiful? No. And

11:46

should be? Do you see the inner beauty in

11:48

her? No, I see a fatty. Do you see a girl

11:50

you'd like to go shopping with, perhaps? And maybe tell all

11:52

of your secrets, too? This is a girl I would be

11:54

best friends with and probably start a podcast with. That's what

11:56

I'm saying. Yes. That's gay.

11:59

Gay. It's not a good gay test, Josh.

12:01

C'mon. Gay. That's question one. Okay,

12:03

that's a big one. Yeah, it

12:05

is a big one. Why is her crown being disputed?

12:07

Now, is it the obvious reason? Why don't you like

12:10

fluffy? Ha ha ha ha ha. Is

12:13

it because I can't see the mist on her

12:15

sash because her neck fat is covering it? Ha

12:17

ha ha ha. I thought she was just Alabama.

12:20

Ha ha ha. She's the size of Alabama. Ha

12:22

ha ha ha. I hate that they

12:24

do this, by the way. You hate that they what, have fat

12:26

chicks in Alabama? Nah, it's the sort of like, you know. Fat

12:28

chicks wearing beauty stuff? No, you can listen. They

12:30

have like the mutt competition for the dogs, right?

12:32

They have the Westminster, which is the purebreds, and then

12:35

they have the mutts. My dog's a beautiful dog, because

12:37

he's in the mutt. She should be in a mutt

12:39

contest. Yeah, I'm saying like, we should

12:41

have, they should be- She should be going competing against

12:43

dogs in ballgown. Her bokeh should be the visions. Her

12:45

flowers should be fries. There should be divisions. This is

12:47

the lightweight division here. I'm not saying there's anything wrong

12:50

with having to say that women, I like a chubby.

12:53

I love it. Yeah.

12:55

Is this second place? No, this is Miss

12:57

Marilyn. I want to get the opinion on

12:59

this girl. She's an- She's trans, for sure.

13:02

She's an- Am I right? Trans,

13:04

yeah. Saw that a mile away, dude. She trans? Yeah,

13:06

look at it. Take off that hair, take

13:08

off that makeup, and she is kicking you out

13:11

of a fucking bodega. Yeah, there's a weird uncircumcised

13:13

Filipino- You buy something, you get out! I have

13:15

to show you guys something. The trans- Miss

13:18

Marilyn, should somebody have to buy something

13:20

if they're going to stay in a

13:22

store? And she goes, oh,

13:25

yes, you buy something, you get out of my store!

13:28

She says no library, you know reads! Exposed. I

13:30

matched with a trans person on Aria, and

13:33

it was impossible to tell. But

13:36

can I say something, though? This does represent that

13:38

state. It does, more than anything. It

13:41

represents Alabama. It's just- Look

13:43

at last year's, oh my God. Wow.

13:46

Dude, look at last year's. Looks like AI compared

13:48

to this fucking- She's hot. Damn,

13:51

dude. This girl's doing a fucking, she's

13:53

the lighting double for This Is Us. It

13:55

feels like a mean joke. It does feel

13:57

like a mean joke. chubby

14:00

in I mean nobody's really

14:02

maybe you know what though can I just say

14:04

something Jay they threw into a black girl a

14:06

couple years ago just to get that out of

14:09

the way then they started going right back to

14:11

their lily white Jay maybe she's undercover maybe

14:14

she's a cop undercover to

14:16

there's some crazy shit going on you

14:18

think there's a super muscular cop under

14:20

there I know I think she's big

14:23

mama housing the Alabama no she's she's

14:26

like Sandra Bullock she's undercover of a tenth

14:28

she's an FBI agent she's getting and they

14:30

said look unfortunately this is the only female

14:33

FBI agent we have available to do this

14:35

job right and she's like I'll go compete

14:37

yeah there you go she goes swim

14:40

what's her name Sarah

14:42

milken did you look

14:44

Sarah milking what cows Jesus

14:47

I love when I tee up and you

14:49

fucking hit it up the park Bobby no

14:51

and everyone acts like this makes total sense

14:53

to them is there a is there a

14:55

bikini contest no she has a one-piece contest

14:57

on dude it's a one-piece please show it

14:59

please no way bikini it's a high man

15:01

honest to God you might as well be

15:03

looking at a nude picture of her because

15:05

everything on that body is going to swallow

15:07

the fabric of a bikini that I guarantee

15:09

she has a like a swimsuit from the

15:11

1800s on buddy I

15:14

am fat and I live

15:16

as a fat person should in the

15:18

shadows shamefully the way you're supposed thanks

15:20

Jacob for nodding your head to that

15:22

thank you I know you appreciate me

15:24

because I was gonna say there's a

15:26

reason I'm not cast as dead pool yes

15:29

yes I don't have any problem with it

15:31

why because your hair well how

15:33

is here it's fantastic and everything else

15:35

no you know height with Deadpool doesn't

15:38

have hair looks burnt yeah burnt this

15:40

is annoying why look at those little

15:42

hands listen there's don't fit her fat

15:45

for let me say this there's there's

15:47

very heavy-set women that are ten times

15:49

that are gorgeous not just neither not

15:51

as heavy-set yes there are now that

15:54

you get this kind of weight it's

15:56

distorting you it's distorting you

15:58

don't even know how this girl looks I'll I'll tell you

16:00

one right now that we both know go on actually I don't want

16:02

to say her name because you don't want to get upset Why? Yeah,

16:06

you'll know exactly who comedian should

16:08

I say it I write down sure

16:11

Sound it out make it sound like something it is I think

16:13

I know you're talking about And when

16:15

you do say it or when you do

16:17

write it down, I'm gonna tell you how crazy are this person

16:19

is nowhere near this size All

16:24

right, let me see it Let

16:27

me see Absolutely,

16:31

I didn't know so you're thinking you were thinking and

16:33

she's beautiful happy. She's gorgeous. No, we're near this woman

16:35

Can I be part of the show? Do you know

16:37

who this is? Can I remember? You

16:39

could absolutely say it was a guy By

16:42

the way cuz she's gorgeous stun Laz was a guy

16:44

a friend of ours used to work at us stand

16:46

up, New York He was one of the door guys

16:48

there into a concert and managers. He had a he

16:50

was he get anything He was in a band now

16:52

He's not killed but Laz is a great

16:55

dude and he played in a band and stuff and he was

16:57

him and another guy who worked There were in the band together.

16:59

It was a metal band and his girlfriend would come around and

17:01

she was big girl man Roo fucking stunning

17:03

face man. So beautiful, but and I'm telling

17:06

you half of this woman though She

17:08

was big girl. She was tall and everything like that. She was

17:10

gorgeous. This girl is You

17:12

have no idea what this chick looks like. She look at her

17:14

go show her body again And also did you look up her

17:17

nude did I vamp long enough? There's her body She

17:22

didn't win though, right Wait

17:24

a minute. She won what? She

17:28

won the cake Doesn't

17:30

that go into Miss America? Where like it's all

17:32

she has a size 123 ways No,

17:35

that's her number Jay Can

17:38

I ask you a question is she from Vietnam? No,

17:42

nope, what nationality is she? How

17:51

big is Liv Taylor when she was at her biggest?

17:55

Live Tyler said how big was not that big

17:57

wait Christine go to this woman. It's like the

18:00

full body pictures of the girl who just won this.

18:02

She's immense. How

18:05

tall is she? I'm trying to find swimsuit. Huh? How

18:07

tall is she, like four two? Probably

18:10

four two. She's four four with fat bottoms of

18:12

her feet. Look at the other one. She went

18:14

to bed too. There was two fats in there?

18:16

There's another fat. Yeah, there's two fats in there.

18:18

I mean, I got a goddamn supermodel. Read our

18:21

fats in two fats and one of the fats

18:23

won. Guys, you did the right thing. You moved

18:25

these fucking pork chops into the finals and now

18:27

can we get the real thing going? You

18:30

don't have to say who came in second. Tell them that the fats

18:32

won. Tell the fats they won second.

18:34

I mean, this looks like she's bigger. This is

18:36

absurd. Oh God. She looks bigger here.

18:38

You know what? I take back what

18:40

I said about our friend's wife. Oh my God.

18:42

She's not even close. She is like the bottom

18:44

half is just nuts. Lou, black Lou. At

18:47

your most just out of jail, you wouldn't

18:49

fucking hang out with this chick. I wouldn't

18:51

survive. Thank you. Thank you

18:53

Lou. Thank you. You just redeemed all black

18:55

people with one sentence. Oh,

18:57

look at that front butt picture. You just passed

19:00

through. Isn't it interesting with white? She's got a

19:02

little bum in the front. Yeah. She's

19:04

frozen. Is it wild though that fat,

19:08

morbidly obese, let's say white girl

19:10

goes from, there's a weird change.

19:13

Dude. Whoa. She looks like a

19:15

fat person walking backwards when she

19:17

walks forwards. Buddy, that's unhealthy. I

19:20

know. Take this TV off for a second.

19:22

It's an interesting thing with morbidly

19:24

obese white girls. There's a time where you

19:26

can always make the joke like, and I've

19:29

seen it a million times, within family, I've

19:31

seen this. Morbidly

19:33

obese girl gets in shape, a

19:36

good looking black guy. And

19:39

then there's like a tipping point where you

19:41

just get past handsome black dick. And

19:43

then you somehow go right back to toothless,

19:46

skinny or fat white guy. You know what I

19:48

mean? You just go back to like the drebs

19:50

of white. But there's a sweet

19:53

spot in there where you can really land

19:55

a nice looking black gentleman. But

19:58

this is, I think she's, I would say. She's

20:00

actually with a fat guy. No,

20:02

I just oh a white

20:05

trash guy for sure I think she's got

20:07

to be with another dude who what he's

20:09

garbage though It's like it

20:11

goes back. It's not like she goes on from gorgeous

20:14

thing to fat white lawyer

20:16

Right you go on to like

20:18

fat white or skinny white toothless

20:20

trailer guy. What nationality is she?

20:23

Christine said fat no, but other than fat.

20:26

She's from Fatigua Is

20:28

that off the coast she's fation What's

20:32

that off the coast of I

20:36

mean she must be miserable. She hasn't

20:38

even in three was not near turkey

20:41

probably closer to beef There

20:45

you throw it out there we took it that's all right Said

20:49

she ate the turkey You know

20:51

what the smell in between those two must be terrible

20:54

Which ones right with the skinny pink

20:57

girls standing listen? Oh, yeah Thinking

20:59

why did I do why did I bother? Yeah?

21:02

Why did you start yourself and throw up lunch

21:04

every day? Yeah, why don't do Pilates when fucking?

21:07

When the black fat chick has jowls

21:09

on her arms? Why are you

21:11

showing that I do not

21:13

enjoy fat confidence It makes

21:15

me so angry because I live in the opposite

21:17

of it you live in the fat shadows. Oh

21:19

my god, dude I wish I was a guy

21:21

the personality just like I'm gonna wear a half

21:23

top today fuckings. It's funny

21:27

Mm-hmm. I just don't like the amount of cloth that they

21:29

have to use to make her dress It

21:31

was there a fucking bikini contest Christine a

21:33

swimwear. They can't like it They

21:36

think mercifully they took it out this year took it out.

21:38

There's no way there's no way she walked out in a

21:41

Everything's a thong when you're that size. I

21:43

don't care if she's wearing fucking capri pants

21:46

Isn't it considered like demeaning now to

21:49

what what we're doing yes It

21:51

is the meeting what we're doing Jacob. It's comedy show. We

21:53

have looking at the screen. It's not a

21:55

beauty It's literally like a presentation for rich

21:57

guys to take their pick at like trophy

22:00

Yeah, that's what it is.

22:02

Well, no, they're gonna solve world hunger Kristina.

22:04

Well, she's gonna she's gonna create it. She's

22:06

only Bitch

22:10

is gonna really Nothing

22:13

on the craft service day. I'm gonna visit Thailand. No,

22:15

no, no, no, no calm How

22:17

great is it to be her though just

22:19

to eat all day? She's eating during the

22:22

contest They

22:24

know they know what they're doing with this

22:26

thing Sarah Milliken 23 years old by the

22:28

way Which is terrifyingly dangerous how big she

22:31

is was overjoyed when she scooped. Everything's got

22:33

to be in scoops She

22:35

scooped the top prize sad to

22:38

find out it wasn't edible That's

22:41

she's dangerously unhealthy fat 23

22:45

years old that is Insanely

22:47

dangerously fat. She has mobility issues for

22:49

sure. Yeah, she can't put her shoes

22:51

on and why would they celebrate that?

22:55

This is like I said, it's like when they let a

22:57

retarded kid beat up a boxer for Make

22:59

a wish or whatever. It's like why just let him meet

23:01

him and not fill him with false and not now have

23:03

a retarded kid On the streets believing he could possibly beat

23:05

up Diego Sanchez Because

23:08

the ever since took a fall. He's like so

23:10

yeah motherfuckers. I'm gonna go talk to those big

23:12

black guys in my neighborhood Imagine

23:15

a guy bragging. He's like no way to

23:17

later. She was Miss, Alabama Oh my Where

23:22

they hold the contest underwater Excited

23:25

for your blind date, and then you wish you were blind

23:29

Miss Alabama hot dog America, but was

23:31

this the only fat there was this

23:33

the only state that had fat people

23:35

in it Christine

23:39

look up fat beauty pageant contestants the black one

23:42

Lost weight and now her arms look like

23:44

it does look droopy fucking jowls. Yes. She

23:46

has Patrice arms And

23:50

then all you look like an inflated bike tire,

23:52

but I get the idea at least this one's

23:54

trying to hide the stuff Why

23:56

would you wear these armless like we're dressed

23:58

with no arms if? That's your

24:01

arms. Your arms look

24:03

like thighs. Stop. You're not

24:06

perfect just the way you are. This

24:08

was the last, this I just found. This was the-

24:10

Tammy Pascadilly. No, it was Miss Universe. Tammy

24:13

Pascadilly, piece of shit. This

24:16

was Miss Nepal who was plus sized. Yeah, but

24:18

they're big. And it was a huge thing that she made Miss

24:20

Universe. And I mean, she's like a size 12. Miss

24:23

Nepal could get it. Yeah, she can get it.

24:25

And she's also living in a fucking, one

24:27

of those huts. Drinking cow

24:30

milk. Oh, for a hut bitch, she's

24:32

built. Bread. She's not gonna fucking put

24:34

herself in a wheelchair by the time she's 25. She's

24:38

not Miss Universe. No.

24:41

No. She's at the top one. She's

24:43

going to the supermarket in Nepal. Did she win Miss Universe?

24:46

Yeah. Maybe, then she'd have all the fat

24:48

chicks in Miss- Oh no, she's a contestant. She's a contestant.

24:50

Oh. She didn't win. She shouldn't

24:52

be there. She should respond to body shaming. Her

24:55

body, her response to the body shaming should be, have

24:57

you seen Miss Alabama? Then

24:59

why don't you lay off of me? I'm fine. Go

25:01

shame her. Yeah. Hey

25:03

guys, you're wasting your time. Alabama's got a fucking

25:05

pig fuss, fucking roast going on on stage up

25:07

there. They're throwing crowns,

25:09

these fucking hoggers. She walked out with- Sweet!

25:12

She walked out with flowers and a turkey leg. The

25:16

three hot chicks in that final five should have

25:18

killed themselves that night. I

25:20

hope they vomited their food until they died. Finding

25:23

seventh grade and overweight bloke

25:25

just won a Miss America beauty pageant.

25:28

Come on. That's fucking terrible.

25:30

Is that written by one? No, that's different. This

25:33

is a different person. This is different. This is

25:35

a trans guy. And she's not that pretty. Wait

25:38

a minute, what is this one? This is

25:40

a big fat man dressed like a

25:42

lady. But they're all trans? No. Just

25:45

the one that won. They could be. Because she has

25:47

to be brave. How many of those girls do you

25:49

think their fathers pulled them out of school the next

25:51

day? Look at them.

25:53

Oh my God. They'd be like fuck it. So look

25:56

at the photos. One could be forgiven for thinking it

25:58

was a social media hoax. A

26:00

woman of his. A 19-year-old bloke called Brian.

26:02

Is that a woman of his, let's say,

26:05

bulk? Oh my God. This greater

26:07

dairy, isn't that where Pennywise

26:09

lives? Oh, it's very

26:11

possible. Yeah, it's dairy. Well,

26:14

I'm sure there's more than dairy. As I'm trying to

26:16

find stuff about Miss Alabama, I just keep finding. More

26:19

fat people waiting for this. Menus. More

26:21

fat. When did this go awry? Because

26:23

when it used to be the hottest chicks in the

26:25

world, when did this happen? When

26:27

did it go awry? Just had to joke about it, he's right. Victoria's

26:31

Secret had to start putting people on the cuff. That's

26:34

marketing. So, I understand I'm

26:36

throwing a couple of fucking chubbers in there

26:38

to be like, no, you don't have to

26:41

not shop here because you're still in the

26:43

hot black guys will fuck you pocket. Get

26:46

in here. Yeah, you're still pulling your G-string

26:48

up over your belly button. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

26:50

Oh, dude. Oh, that is,

26:53

man, you just took me back to a place in time. Once

26:56

again, where I was like swinging forward my fence and stuff,

26:58

just how many times I've seen a big girl, felt bad

27:00

for them, wearing the thong

27:02

where you see the belly fold.

27:05

Over it. It's like the

27:07

thongs involved. What a sad

27:10

thing. This is

27:12

where I think it all started, was Dove. Dove?

27:15

Dove Davidoff? Dove Davidoff. Dove Davidoff started like

27:17

this. Yeah, you got to have a fat

27:19

chick. They're people too, you know? It keeps

27:21

you warm in the water. Socrates once said,

27:23

the bigger the girl, the bigger the brain.

27:26

I bet this was like nice, me too, it

27:28

started, right? Well, there's no, this is right. No,

27:30

2004, Dove. This is the Dove campaign.

27:32

It was the campaign for Real Beauty and it

27:34

was the first time that you had non-models like

27:36

modeling and underwear on posters. Yeah, all over

27:39

the- And it was crazy. Everybody was like, this is

27:41

disgusting. But no, but here's the thing. Right, but then

27:43

make- I didn't think this was disgusting. I

27:45

like this because this was, I'm like, oh,

27:47

I could possibly fuck a model because

27:49

these are what they're saying. It's not what it's gone

27:52

to. It's gone overboard. It has gone overboard. At one

27:54

point they were saying this is like the true images

27:56

of beauty, real women. But these are

27:58

all attractive. Cute chicks

28:00

the biggest one on the right look at

28:02

the biggest one on the right. She's still

28:04

got a great body Yeah, the block the

28:07

blonde what you get you would absolutely fucking

28:09

hit in two seconds The

28:11

old lady just because she's old you wouldn't but even her

28:14

body's not bad for an old lady This

28:16

is not what they took that and they

28:18

were like not what happened to things like this came

28:20

out And then people got pissed because they go oh

28:23

you're trying to show real bodies, but this is still

28:25

just Good body chicks. Why don't

28:27

you show a real woman? And then they have to

28:29

have auditions for people to come pretend. They're not embarrassed

28:31

of their big fat bodies Take

28:33

pictures pulled up something that said miss

28:36

Alabama hits back at trolls that claim.

28:38

She's unhealthy Please oh they

28:40

I love when they tell you they're healthy My

28:43

there's nothing better than a fat person telling you everything's

28:45

great I don't know you're talking about everything's great if

28:47

you fall down and you can't get back up You're

28:50

fucked Your

28:55

appendages touch the floor Take

28:58

a turtle on its back. Yeah, how does she get up

29:00

dude? You have to like swing over to your hand and

29:03

foot Look at

29:05

I'm a I'm a recently fat dude.

29:07

Yeah, I was a fat fat. Hey

29:12

That guy's always in the audience he said I have

29:14

it a few weeks ago. No, I know you told the

29:16

story That's why I did it I

29:19

know J Yeah,

29:22

but this this is you're not healthy you

29:24

can't you can't lie to yourself no and

29:26

you are Leaps

29:28

and bounds healthier than you were. Yes, you're

29:30

heavy. I also I'm

29:33

still fat. Is that what you're saying? But you

29:35

to not sound like that wasn't me that

29:37

was hang on is he still here? You're

29:39

still fat What's going on? Who wears this

29:41

fucking guy to not sound like a total

29:43

fucking asshole I enjoy the fact that like

29:45

models are different sizes now because now I

29:47

feel like when I shop and you know

29:49

Whatever if you go on like skims or good American these

29:51

brands. They have like three different models Yeah, you can go

29:53

like oh, how do these clothes look on somebody with my

29:55

body? I do appreciate that. I think it's great I

29:58

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around. You can find cars like

32:31

these on AutoTrader. New cars, used

32:33

cars, electric cars, maybe even flying

32:35

cars. Okay,

32:37

no flying cars, but as soon as they get

32:40

invented, they'll be on AutoTrader. Just

32:42

you wait. AutoTrader. I'm

32:45

not mad at fat people or

32:47

fat women. You're mad. I'm

32:50

mad that we're pretending that it's like, again, it's the,

32:53

you know, I'm never going to dunk a basketball. Do

32:55

you know what I mean? It's the acceptance of like

32:57

what it's going to be. You're going to be,

33:00

you can't, you can work

33:02

towards being a beauty queen if you have

33:04

a very pretty face. If you

33:06

have a very pretty face naturally and you're fat,

33:09

you can work toward being a beauty queen. I

33:11

don't think you just give it to someone because they're fat

33:13

and had the balls to get into this contest. Yeah, but

33:15

that's where we are right now. That's what it is with

33:17

doing like having the guy or the

33:20

trans girl, whatever, to dress winning

33:22

a beauty pageant, like Miss

33:24

Teen, whatever. It's like a

33:26

big hokey dude in a dress

33:29

with makeup on. It's like, why

33:31

do we have to pretend it's a weird thing?

33:33

It's like, everyone's like pretending. It's bizarre. Yeah. And

33:36

if you say something, you're a piece of shit. No,

33:39

because listen. We're not pieces of shit. Listen, I

33:41

say I have a trans pageant. If those parents

33:43

say anything. Oh, they say something. They just wait.

33:46

They say something in their own house. But

33:48

if they made it, if they normalize. They can't say something

33:50

there. If they normalize the

33:53

right thing, you have a trans pageant

33:55

instead of having a trans woman who

33:57

is substantially. uglier

33:59

than everybody else in the contest.

34:02

I think let trans people

34:04

enter the regular contest and lose immediately.

34:06

It's going to happen if you're a

34:09

big hulking guy in a dress. But

34:11

if you're a hot Filipino woman, you

34:13

can win. No. That hot Filipino woman

34:15

should win. Listen, hot Filipino

34:17

woman, it makes more sense that they would enter that.

34:20

You know what I mean? No, it's in a trans. Right.

34:22

A hot Filipino trans has a better

34:24

shot at realistically winning a

34:27

beauty contest. Yes. Do you get what I'm

34:29

saying? So I don't... when this...

34:31

when this big... Yeah. Yeah.

34:34

She get my vote. Oh,

34:36

yeah. When this big fat guy wins, the

34:38

other one in Alabama, not the girl even,

34:41

the big fat guy wins. It's like you've...

34:43

he's taking this win going like you've done this

34:46

clearly because I was brave

34:48

enough to in high school go like I'm a girl. And

34:51

you're like, oh, you won the beauty pageant. It's

34:53

nonsense. It's a participation trophy. You're giving something that

34:56

someone's actually doing the work for. I don't give

34:58

a fuck who wins beauty pageants, but let's say

35:00

they're... they worry about their diet constantly

35:02

and stay this and all these dumb things to

35:04

prepare for it. And the other person is just

35:06

like crushing a bucket of chicken the night before

35:09

the pageant going like, it don't matter. They could

35:11

always let my dress out. She

35:13

just... she has a straw in a bowl of

35:15

pho. You know what would

35:17

be great is if it starts doing... What

35:20

if... but the thing is if they took the beauty

35:22

out of it, just take that out of it and

35:24

just call it a woman pageant. Chick

35:27

pageant. I mean, first of all, I

35:29

could give a shit either about any of these things.

35:31

I've never ever watched one. I don't give a fuck.

35:33

I hope dudes win every one of them. I don't

35:35

give a shit. They were big and now nobody thinks

35:38

about them because this. It's like Sports Illustrated swimsuit.

35:40

The whole thing magazine folded because

35:44

they put a bunch of fatties on. Nobody wanted to

35:47

buy the magazine anymore. Because what they're

35:49

for, it's like Marvel makes a... Marvel

35:52

movies were for guys, nerdy

35:54

fucking dudes, to watch guys

35:57

that they could be like, I'm that. I'm Captain America.

35:59

I'm Iron Man. And then they

36:01

made it all about girls. They did the

36:03

same thing with Star Wars and those guys

36:05

who it was for Like this

36:07

was for dudes to watch it and they made

36:09

it about some other and they just said I'm

36:12

out I'm not watching anymore and then they blame

36:14

the guys for being pieces of shit It's

36:16

like we they just don't they're not into

36:18

Star Wars anymore. See fat people

36:20

outside. Yes, I'm gonna fat people

36:23

Can you hold this toilet paper roll and swing it around? I

36:27

can bite my wife's chubby elbows if I want

36:29

to at my house Like

36:33

I like a chubby girl I What

36:37

he was talking about again, this is when they start

36:39

like the transition of it going no pun

36:41

intended to where we're at now Was

36:44

the girl who was the first sports? It

36:47

looks like four different human beings again with but

36:49

this is the jump This is like the the

36:51

over correction leap because the first what's the one

36:53

girl? She's beautiful I know her body

36:55

almost keeps getting worse. I think at times because she's

36:57

having kids. No, no, what's the Christine

37:02

you know, she was like the big girl

37:04

model that sports illustrates. She's beautiful. I'm way

37:06

off Ashley

37:08

Graham Ashley Graham. Love that. That's

37:11

what that's like Laz's wife She

37:15

is bigger than you even think but she's so

37:17

fucking you know what she is. She's proportionate. Wait,

37:19

let me see That's her pregnant though. She's yeah,

37:21

but even Lee big Now

37:23

you got to go she's had times where she's been big

37:25

not pregnant She has but when you see her you're like

37:28

that's something too with the times changing where you're like

37:30

Oh, like she used to seem kind of huge and

37:32

now she just kind of seems a little average Compared

37:38

to that two-ton Tessie you had up on the screen

37:40

a second ago, but I've seen we've seen her in

37:42

person She's big girl. Yeah, we've seen her bigger than

37:44

what she is in these pictures. Keep going down looking

37:46

for She was Sports Illustrated this one.

37:49

Yeah, but she's fucking hot

37:51

Oh my god,

37:54

I love that that's a nice big girl. That's

37:56

hot. Yeah, she's got celebrating

1:00:00

women of all sizes. It's

1:00:04

fat women pulling off feats of movement. Fat

1:00:09

people have feelings too, Jacob. But at

1:00:11

the very bottom of this, it's financial.

1:00:14

You're not making money doing this. You're going

1:00:16

out of business. Fat people have feelings too.

1:00:19

They're just tucked under with their belly button

1:00:21

and vagina. They're all going out of business.

1:00:24

They must be going out of business. You

1:00:26

understand more people in America are fat than

1:00:28

the... It's a very small amount

1:00:31

of people that are in shit. Arby's is going

1:00:33

to sponsor this. Yeah. Yes, they got the meats.

1:00:35

Yeah, Olive Garden is sponsoring her. So heavy people

1:00:37

dream of heavy people. Here she goes. Is that

1:00:39

what you're telling me? Hang on, let's listen to

1:00:41

this. This was 15. She was 15 here. Is

1:00:44

she 15? Jesus Christ. I was actually saying when I

1:00:47

was 15. Oh, maybe. But look at... She was 15.

1:00:49

I did once out of two. By the way, go back to her being 15. Fuck

1:00:53

her parents, dude. Why are you to let it keep going?

1:00:56

Man, she was big then too. No, I know. But

1:00:58

I'm saying like you let it keep... Stop it. I

1:01:00

think it's very hard to control your kids. Stop throwing

1:01:02

her in pageants and telling her it's great. Well, her

1:01:04

parents are probably fat too and don't know how to

1:01:06

help her. It's true. We

1:01:08

don't know that. Whatever parents

1:01:10

are fitness buffs. They're just... That would be

1:01:13

great. We keep her around so we

1:01:15

don't get cravings. Yeah, every time I see her, I

1:01:17

go, ugh, that's why I wake up at 3 AM

1:01:19

to do my first workout, dog. You

1:01:21

wake up and you go, I don't want to work out. And then you hear

1:01:23

your daughter down the hall going... You

1:01:27

go, you know what, dude? Crack them eggs. We're

1:01:30

hanging out with Justin Silver, buddy. He's

1:01:33

going to be headlining the Vulcan comedy...

1:01:35

Well, Vulcan gas company. Yes. Austin.

1:01:38

In Austin, Texas, that is this Saturday.

1:01:41

Yeah. Tommy Pope on the show. Hell, yes.

1:01:43

Love Tommy. In the house. And

1:01:46

then he's going to be in Mars, Plains, New Jersey at where?

1:01:48

The comedy... I thought it's Dojo of Comedy? Dojo

1:01:50

of Comedy. Dojo of Comedy. Dojo of Comedy. Rain

1:01:52

room. Christine, fix that. Dojo

1:01:55

of Comedy on Saturday, June 29th. I've

1:01:57

heard nothing but great things about that club. Unbelievable.

1:02:00

For tickets and all tour dates Justin's out there man.

1:02:03

He's doing some headlines. Yeah, make sure if you're in

1:02:05

Austin or anywhere near Austin go check him out. Not

1:02:08

in Austin very much Justin. Not at all. Go

1:02:10

check him out. Get your tickets now. Bring a

1:02:12

friend. Fill that fucking place up for Justin. It's

1:02:15

a great room, the Vulcan. I did

1:02:18

it one time when I was out there. It's

1:02:20

really nice. I did it with Rogan. It's a

1:02:22

cool rock bar. Yeah, great rock bar. Great place

1:02:24

to see comedy. I am Justin Silver dot com.

1:02:26

I am Justin silver.com and follow him on social

1:02:28

media at I am Justin Silver. Thank you. And

1:02:32

Robert Kelly. He's going to be

1:02:34

at Begoobs this weekend, Friday and

1:02:36

Saturday. And then of course the

1:02:38

Gramercy Theater with the live regs

1:02:40

podcast with Joe List, Dan Soder,

1:02:42

Louis J Gomez. That's on July

1:02:44

10th. It's a heavy hitters. It's

1:02:46

a murderers row. After that

1:02:48

he's going to be Portsmouth, New Hampshire, San Diego.

1:02:51

And you can see Bobby every Tuesday night, 7

1:02:53

p.m. at the Fat Black Pussycat Lounge. The comedy

1:02:55

seller for tickets and all tour dates again, Punchup

1:02:57

dot live slash Robert Kelly. And

1:03:00

Big J is going to be on the

1:03:02

fully loaded festival touring all over the country.

1:03:04

Next two weekends. Can I say also, I

1:03:06

do want to tell people this. There's tickets

1:03:09

for some of these shows. They're packed, but

1:03:12

there's tickets. There's still tickets available. For some of these

1:03:14

shows. And I'm telling you, these shows have been, this

1:03:16

has been the best year so far. It's just like,

1:03:19

everyone's having so much fun. We've had years before where some people

1:03:21

come and they don't really, they're not really into it or it's

1:03:24

like, you know, it's a weird thing or

1:03:26

everyone doesn't know each other that well.

1:03:28

It's all been fun. But this has

1:03:30

been like the first week was fucking

1:03:32

killer. The line up's insane. Jelly Roll

1:03:34

was on three of the four, four,

1:03:36

five show. You want to go to

1:03:38

a comedy show and see the best

1:03:41

comics out there. Go check out the

1:03:43

bigger better every year. The he's at

1:03:45

the funny bone in Richmond, Virginia, July

1:03:47

12th and 13th. And then the big,

1:03:49

big show at the Borgata Atlantic City,

1:03:51

Big J by himself, July 27th for

1:03:53

tickets and all of the tour dates,

1:03:55

big j comedy.com and check out our

1:03:57

podcast and the YouTube page and all.