0:00

The future is a hefty responsibility and

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not one that we take lightly. But then

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taking things lightly has never been what

0:06

hefty is about. That's why we've created the

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Hefty Renew program that turns hard to

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recycle plastics into valuable resources like park benches

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and building materials. To participate,

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simply fill up an orange hefty renew bag

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with accepted items, tie it up and drop

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it in with your regular recycling. That's it.

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It's that easy. It's time to

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rethink recycling with Renew. Particular-valued

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resources may vary by geography. More

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info available at hestrerenew.com. How

0:31

can Jeeves help wrangle Bicky's

0:33

uncle, the hard-boiled egg? PG

0:36

Woodhouse, today on The Classic

0:38

Tales Podcast. Welcome

0:57

to The Classic Tales Podcast. Thank you

0:59

for listening. The vintage episode

1:02

for the week is Ligia by

1:04

Edgar Allan Poe. Be sure to

1:06

check it out on Tuesday. If

1:08

the show has helped alleviate your stress, if

1:11

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helping us out. Go to

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classictalesaudiobooks.com and become a

1:43

supporter today. Today's

1:47

story is another in the series of

1:49

PG Woodhouse short stories found in the

1:51

volume My Man Jeeves. In

1:54

case you haven't noticed, I'm recording

1:56

anew all the stories in this volume.

1:59

Some we've heard before. and some we haven't.

2:02

So while today's story showed up as a

2:04

vintage episode a few weeks back, I

2:06

hope you won't mind it again, recorded 15 years

2:09

later. And now Jeeves

2:12

and the Hard Boiled Ang by

2:14

P.G. Woodhouse Sometimes

2:33

of a morning, as I've sat

2:35

in bed sucking down the early cup of tea and

2:38

watched my Nan Jeeves flitting about the room and

2:40

putting out the raiment for the day, I've

2:43

wondered what the deuce I should do if a fellow

2:46

ever took it into his head to leave

2:48

me. It's not so bad now I'm in

2:50

New York, but in London the anxiety was

2:52

frightful. There used to be

2:54

all sorts of attempts on the part of

2:56

low blighters to sneak him away from me.

2:58

Young Reggie Fulljambi, from

3:01

my certain knowledge, offered him double

3:03

what I was giving him, and I was there

3:05

Bingham Reeves, who's got valid who

3:07

had been known to press his trousers sideways,

3:10

used to look at him when he came to

3:12

see me with a kind of glittering, hungry eye

3:15

which disturbed me ducidly. Ballypirate!

3:18

The thing you see is that Jeeves is

3:20

so dashed competent. He can spot

3:22

his even in the way he shoves studs into

3:24

a shirt. I rely on

3:26

him absolutely in every crisis, and he never

3:29

lets me down, and what's more, he can

3:31

always be counted on to extend himself

3:33

on behalf of any pile of mine

3:35

who happens to be to all appearances

3:38

knee deep in the bullion. I take

3:41

the rather rummy case, for instance,

3:43

of dear old Bicky and his

3:45

uncle the hard-boiled egg. It

3:47

happened after I had been in America for

3:49

a few months. I got back to

3:51

the flat lateish one night, and when Jeeves

3:53

brought me the final drink, he said, "'Mr.

3:56

Bigger's death call to see you this evening, sir,

3:59

while you are out.'" Oh?" I said.

4:02

Twice, sir. He appeared

4:04

a trifle agitated. What, pipped? He

4:07

gave that impression, sir. I

4:10

sipped the whisky. I was

4:12

sorry if Bicky was in trouble, but

4:14

as a matter of fact I was rather glad to

4:16

have something I could discuss freely with Jeeves just then,

4:19

because things had been a bit strained

4:21

between us for some time, and it

4:24

had been rather difficult to hit on anything

4:26

to talk about that wasn't apt to take

4:28

a personal turn. You see, I

4:31

had decided, rightly or wrongly, to grow

4:34

a moustache, and this had

4:36

cut Jeeves to the quick. He couldn't

4:38

stick the thing at any price, and

4:40

I had been living ever since in an

4:42

atmosphere of ballad disapproval till I

4:45

was getting jolly well fed up with it. What

4:47

I mean is, while there's no

4:49

doubt that in certain matters of

4:51

dress Jeeves' judgment is absolutely sound

4:53

and should be followed, it

4:55

seems to me that it was getting a bit too

4:58

thick, if he was to edit my face as well

5:00

as my costume. No one can

5:02

call me an unreasonable chappy, and

5:04

many's the time I've given in like a

5:06

lamb when Jeeves has voted against one of

5:09

my pet suits or ties. For when it

5:11

comes to a valid sticking-out acclaim on your

5:13

upper lip, you've simply got to

5:15

have a bit of the good old bull-dog pluck

5:17

and defy the blighter." He

5:20

said that he would call again later, sir. "'Something

5:23

must be up, Jeeves.' "'Yes, sir.' "'I

5:26

gave the moustache a thoughtful twirl. It

5:29

seemed to hurt Jeeves a good deal, so I

5:31

chucked it. I see by

5:33

the paper, sir, that Mr. Bickie's

5:35

death's uncle is arriving on the car-mantic.

5:38

"'Yes?' "'Is Grace the Duke of

5:41

Chiswick, sir?' "'This was news

5:43

to me that Bickie's uncle was a

5:45

duke. From how little one

5:47

knows about one's pals. I'd

5:49

met Bickie for the first time at a

5:52

species of Beno or Jamboree down in Washington

5:54

Square, not long after my arrival in

5:56

New York. I suppose I was

5:58

with Homesick at the time.' And I rather

6:00

took to Biggie when I found that he was an Englishman,

6:03

and had, in fact, been up at Oxford

6:05

with me, besides he was a

6:07

frightful chump. So we naturally

6:10

drifted together, and while we were taking

6:12

a quiet snort in a corner that wasn't

6:14

all cluttered up with artists and sculptors and

6:16

whatnot, he furthermore endeared

6:18

himself to me by a most

6:20

extraordinarily gifted imitation of a

6:22

bull terrier chasing a cat up a tree.

6:25

But though he had subsequently become extremely pally,

6:28

all I really knew about him was that he

6:30

was generally hard up, and had an

6:32

uncle who relieved the strain a bit from

6:35

time to time by sending him monthly remittances.

6:38

"'If the Duke of Chiswick is his

6:40

uncle,' I said, "'why hasn't he a title?

6:43

Why hasn't he Lord whatnot?' "'Mr.

6:46

Biggesteath is the son of his Grace's

6:48

late sister, sir, who married

6:50

Captain Rolo Biggesteath of the

6:52

Coldstream Guards. Grace

6:55

knows everything.' "'Is Mr.

6:57

Biggesteath's father dead, too?' "'Yes,

6:59

sir.' "'Leave any money?' "'No,

7:01

sir.' I began

7:03

to understand why poor old Bicky was always more or

7:06

less on the rocks. To

7:08

the casual and irreflective observer, if you know what

7:10

I mean, it may sound a

7:12

pretty good wheeze having a Duke for an uncle, but

7:15

the trouble about old Chiswick was that, though

7:17

an extremely wealthy old buster, owning

7:20

half London and about five counties up

7:22

north, he was notoriously

7:24

the most prudent spender in England.

7:27

He was what American chappies would call a

7:29

hard-boiled egg. If Bicky's

7:31

people hadn't left him anything, and he depended on what

7:33

he could prize out of the old Duke, he

7:36

was in a pretty bad way. Not

7:38

that that explained why he was hunting me like this,

7:41

because he was a chap who never borrowed

7:43

money. He said he wanted

7:45

to keep his pals, so never bit

7:47

anyone's ear on principle. At

7:50

this juncture the doorbell rang. Jeeves

7:52

floated out to answer it. "'Yes,

7:54

sir. Mr. Wooster has just

7:56

returned,' I heard him say, And

7:59

Bicky came.." Recalling him. Looking. Pretty

8:01

sorry from south. Hello! Becky

8:03

I said. She's. Told me

8:05

you'd been trying to get me to

8:07

bring another glass and let the rebels

8:09

commenced. Also. Traveled Vicky. I'm

8:12

in a whole bertie. A

8:14

want your advice. Sale. Know

8:16

glad. My. Uncle's turning up

8:18

tomorrow, but he. says. He told

8:20

me. The. Duke of Chizik enough.

8:23

So Jeeves told me. Sick.

8:25

He seemed to be surprised. The

8:27

seems to know everything. Rather,

8:30

Vermin A. That's exactly what I was thinking

8:32

just now myself. And

8:34

I wish. Said. Because gloomily,

8:37

Said. He knew a way to get me out of the whole i

8:39

mean. Geez Shimmered

8:41

in with a glass. And stuck it

8:43

competently on the table. Mr.

8:46

Bickerstaff as in a bit of a whole

8:48

geez I said and wants you to rally

8:50

round. Very. Good sir. The

8:53

key looked a bit doubtful. Well.

8:55

Of course you know Bertie!

8:58

This thing is by way of being. A.

9:00

Bit private, know that. I

9:02

shouldn't worry about that old top of the

9:04

team knows all about it already, don't to?

9:07

Geez, he is so. They. Said.

9:09

Vicky rattled. I.

9:12

Am open to correction, sir. But.

9:14

Is not your dilemma due to the fact. That

9:17

you are as a loss to explain

9:19

to his grace why you are in

9:21

New York instead of in Colorado. Picky

9:24

rocked like and jelly and a high wind.

9:27

Howling Tuesday? You know anything about it.

9:30

I chanced to meet his Graces butler

9:32

before we left England. He. Informed

9:34

me that he happened to overhear his gray

9:36

speaking to you on the Madison. As

9:39

his past the Labrador. Vicky

9:41

gave a hollow sort of last. Well.

9:44

As everybody seems to know all about it, there's

9:47

no need to try to keep a dog. The.

9:50

Old Boy Tell me out Bertie. Because

9:52

he said I was a brainless nincompoop. The.

9:55

idea laws that he would give me

9:57

a remittance on condition that i'd dashed

10:00

out to some blighted locality of

10:02

the name of Colorado and learned

10:05

farming or ranching or whatever they

10:07

call it, at some valley

10:09

ranch or farm or whatever it's called. I

10:12

didn't fancy the idea a bit. I

10:14

should have had to ride horses and

10:16

pursue cows and so forth. I

10:19

hate horses. They bite at you. I

10:22

was all against the scheme. At

10:24

the same time, don't you know, I had to have

10:26

that remittance. I get you

10:28

absolutely, dear boy. Well, when

10:31

I got to New York, it looked a decent sort of place

10:33

to me, so I thought it

10:35

would be a pretty sound notion to stop here. So

10:38

I cabled to my uncle, telling him

10:40

that I had dropped into a good business wease

10:43

in the city and wanted to chuck

10:45

the ranch idea. He wrote

10:47

back that it was all right, and here

10:49

I have been ever since. He thinks

10:51

I'm doing well at something or other over here.

10:54

I never dreamed, don't you know, that he would ever

10:56

come out here. What on earth am

10:58

I to do? Jeeves, I

11:00

said, what on earth is Mr.

11:03

Bickett's death to do? You

11:05

see, said Bickie, I

11:07

had a wireless from him to say he was coming

11:10

to stay with me. To save

11:12

hotel bills, I suppose. I've

11:14

always given him the impression that I was living

11:16

in pretty good style. I

11:18

can't have him to stay at my boarding-house.

11:22

Thought of anything, Jeeves, I said. To

11:25

what extent, sir, if the

11:27

question is not a delicate one, are

11:29

you prepared to assist Mr. Bickett's death?

11:32

I'll do anything I can for you, of course, Bickie,

11:34

old man. Then if

11:36

I may make the suggestion, sir, you

11:39

might lend Mr. Bickett's death. No,

11:41

bye, Jove, said Bickie

11:43

firmly. I never have touched

11:45

you, Bertie. I'm not going to start

11:47

now. I may be a chump, but

11:50

it's my boast that I don't owe a penny

11:52

to a single soul—not counting

11:54

tradesmen, of course. I

11:57

was about to suggest, sir, that you might

11:59

lend Mr. Bickett's death. biggest death this flirt. Mr.

12:02

Biggest Death could give his grace the

12:04

impression that he was the owner of

12:06

it. With your permission I

12:08

could convey the notion that I was

12:10

in Mr. Biggest Death's employment and not

12:12

in yours. You would be

12:15

residing here temporarily as Mr.

12:17

Biggest Death's guest. His grace

12:19

would occupy the second spare bedroom. I

12:22

fancy that you would find this answer

12:25

satisfactorily, sir." He

12:27

had stopped rocking himself and was

12:30

staring at Jeeves in an odd sort of way. I

12:33

would advocate the dispatching of a wireless message

12:35

to his grace on board the vessel, notifying

12:38

him of the change of address. Mr.

12:41

Biggest Death could meet his grace at the

12:43

dock and proceed directly here.

12:46

Will that meet the situation, sir? Absolutely.

12:50

Thank you, sir. He

12:53

followed him with his eye till the door closed.

12:56

How does he do it, Bertie? He said,

12:59

I'll tell you what I think it is. I

13:01

believe it's something to do with the shape of his head. Have

13:04

you ever noticed his head, Bertie, old man? It sort

13:06

of sticks out at the back. I

13:10

hopped out of bed early next morning, so

13:13

as to be among those present when the old boy should

13:15

arrive. I knew from

13:17

experience that these ocean-limers fetch up at

13:19

the dock a reducibly ungodly hour. It

13:22

wasn't much after nine by the time I dressed

13:24

and had my morning tea, and was

13:26

leaning out of the window, watching the

13:28

street for Bicky and his uncle. It

13:31

was one of those jolly, peaceful mornings that

13:33

make it chappy wish he'd got a soul

13:35

or something, and I was just

13:37

brooding on life in general, and I

13:39

became aware of the dickens of a spate in

13:41

progress down below. A taxi

13:43

had driven up, and an old boy

13:45

in a torpat had got out, and was

13:48

kicking up a frightful row about the

13:50

fair. As far as I could make out, he was

13:52

trying to get the cab-chappy to switch from

13:54

New York to London prices, and the

13:56

cab-chappy had apparently never heard of London

13:59

before, and didn't seemed to think a lot of it now.

14:01

The old boy said that in London the trip

14:04

would have set him back eightpence, and

14:06

the cabbie said he should worry. I

14:08

called Jeeves. "'The Duke has arrived,

14:10

Jeeves.' "'Yes, sir. That'll

14:12

be him at the door now.' Jeeves

14:15

made a long arm and opened the front

14:17

door, and the old boy crawled in,

14:19

looking licked to a splinter. "'How

14:22

do you do, sir?' I said, bustling

14:24

up and being the ray of sunshine. "'Your

14:27

nephew went down to the dock to meet you, but

14:29

you must have missed him. My name's Worcester, don't you

14:31

know. Great pair of bickies and all that sort of

14:34

thing. I am staying with him, you know.

14:36

Would you like a cup of tea? Jeeves, bring a

14:38

cup of tea.' "'Old

14:41

Jizzick had sunk into an arm-chair and was

14:43

looking about the room. "'Does

14:45

this luxury flat belong

14:47

to my nephew, Francis?' "'Absolutely.'

14:51

"'It must be terribly expensive.' "'Pretty

14:54

well, of course. Everything costs a lot over

14:56

here, you know.' He moaned.

14:59

Jeeves filtered in with the tea. Old

15:02

Jizzick took a stab at it to restore

15:04

his tissues and nodded. "'A

15:06

terrible country, Mr. Worcester. A

15:08

terrible country. Nearly eight

15:11

shillings for a short

15:13

cab-drive. Iniquitous!' He

15:15

took another look round the room. It seemed

15:18

to fascinate him. "'Have

15:20

you any idea how much money my

15:22

nephew pays for his flat, Mr. Worcester?'

15:25

"'About two hundred dollars a month, I

15:27

believe.' "'What? Forty pounds

15:30

a month?' "'I

15:32

began to see that, unless I made the thing

15:35

a bit more plausible, the scheme might turn

15:37

out of frost. I could guess

15:39

what the old boy was thinking. He was

15:41

trying to square all this prosperity with what he

15:43

knew of poor old Bickie. One

15:45

had to admit that it took a lot of

15:47

squaring, for dear old Bickie, though a

15:50

stout fellow, and absolutely unrivaled as an

15:52

imitator of bull terriers and cats, was

15:55

in many ways one of the most pronounced fatheads

15:57

that ever pulled on a suit of gents' underwear."

16:01

I suppose it seems ramy to you," I said,

16:03

but the fact is New York often bucks chappies

16:05

up and makes them show a flash

16:08

of speed that you wouldn't have imagined them capable of.

16:10

It sort of develops them. Something in

16:13

the air, don't you know? I imagine that Bicky

16:15

in the past, when you knew him, may

16:17

have been something of a chump, but it's

16:19

quite different now. Devilish-efficient sort of

16:21

chappy, looked in on commercial

16:23

circles, is quite the nib. I

16:26

am amazed. What is the

16:28

nature of my nephew's business, Mr. Worcester?

16:31

Oh, just business, don't you know? The

16:34

same sort of thing Carnegie and Rockefeller and all these

16:36

coves do, don't you know? I

16:38

slid through the door. Awfully sorry to leave

16:41

you, but I've got to meet some of the lads

16:43

elsewhere. Coming

16:45

out of the lift, I met Bicky, bustling in from

16:47

the street. Hello, Bertie,

16:49

I missed him. As he turned up,

16:51

he's upstairs now, having some tea. Now,

16:54

what does he think of it all? He's

16:56

absolutely rattled, ripping. I'll

16:59

be toddling up, then. Too low, Bertie,

17:01

old man. See you later. Pip,

17:03

pip, Bicky, dear boy. He

17:06

trotted off, full of merriment and good

17:08

cheer, and I went off to the club to

17:10

sit in the window and watch the traffic coming up

17:13

one way and down the other. It

17:15

was late-ish in the evening when I looked in at the

17:17

flat to dress for dinner. Where's

17:20

everybody, chiefs? I said, finding

17:22

no little feet pattering about the place. Gone

17:25

out? His grace desired to

17:27

see some of the sights of the city, sir.

17:30

Mr. Bickesteath is acting as his escort. I

17:33

fancy their immediate objective was Grant's

17:35

tomb. I suppose Mr.

17:37

Bickesteath is a bit braced at the way things

17:39

are going, what? Sir? I

17:42

say I take it that Mr. Bickesteath is

17:45

tolerably full of beans. I'm

17:48

not sure I'm going to be able

17:50

to put all together, sir. What's this trouble now? The

17:53

scheme which I took the liberty of suggesting to Mr. Bickesteath and

17:55

yourself Has unfortunately. That

18:00

for Lisa. Surely the

18:02

to believe that Mr. Biggest at is doing well

18:04

in business know that sort of thing. Exactly

18:07

so. With. The results

18:09

That he has decided to cancel Mister

18:11

Big Steps monthly allowance. On. The

18:14

ground that as Mr. Biggest Death is doing

18:16

so well on his own account. He

18:18

no longer requires peculiar a

18:21

assistance. Crates seems

18:23

this is awful. Somewhat.

18:25

Disturbing sir. I. Never

18:27

expected anything like this. I.

18:30

Confess, I scarcely anticipated the

18:32

contingency myself that. I.

18:34

Suppose it build the poor blight her

18:36

over? Absolutely. Mr. Biggest disappeared,

18:38

some was taken aback. sir. My.

18:41

Heart bled for because. We

18:44

must do something. Jeeves Yes sir. Can.

18:46

You think of anything. Not. At the

18:48

moment. So. The. Must be something we

18:50

can do. It. Was a

18:52

maximum of one of my former employers are.

18:55

As I believe I mentioned to you once

18:57

before. The. Present Lord Bridge

18:59

know. That. There is always

19:02

a way. I. Remember his

19:04

lordship using the expression on the occasion.

19:06

He. Was them the business gentlemen?

19:09

Have not yet his title. When.

19:11

If Peyton terrorists dora which he

19:13

chance to be promoting failed to

19:15

address the public. He. Put

19:18

on the market under another name

19:20

as a depilatory. And amassed

19:22

a substantial fortune. I've

19:24

generally found his lordships aphorism

19:26

based on sound foundations. No

19:29

doubt we be able to discover some

19:31

solution of Mr. Biggest as difficult as.

19:35

Well. Have a stab at it seems. I

19:37

will spare no pain sir. I.

19:40

Went and rest sadly. It

19:43

was so you pretty well how pipped I was.

19:45

When. I tell you that I near as a touch

19:47

of put on a white tie with a dinner

19:49

jacket. I sally down for

19:51

a bit of food more to pass the time them

19:54

because I wanted it. It. seemed brutal

19:56

to be wading into the bill affair with

19:58

poor old becky headed for the bed When

20:01

I got back, old Chizick had gone to bed,

20:04

but Bicky was there, hunched up

20:06

in an arm-chair, brooding pretty

20:08

tensely, with a cigarette hanging out of

20:10

the corner of his mouth and a

20:12

more or less glassy stare in his eyes. Here

20:15

the aspect of one who had been soaked

20:17

with what the newspaper chappies call some blunt

20:19

instrument. This is a bit thick

20:21

old thing. What? I said.

20:23

He picked up his glass and drained it

20:26

feverishly, overlooking the fact that it

20:28

hadn't anything in it. I'm

20:30

done, Bertie, he said. He

20:33

had another go at the glass. He didn't

20:35

seem to do him any good. If

20:38

only this had happened a week later, Bertie. My

20:41

next month's money was due to roll in on

20:43

Saturday. I could have worked a

20:45

wease I've been reading about in the magazine

20:47

advertisements. It seems that you can

20:49

make a dashed amount of money if you

20:51

can only collect a few dollars and start

20:53

a chicken farm. Jolly sound

20:55

scheme, Bertie. Say you take

20:57

a hen. Call it one hen for

20:59

the sake of argument. It lays an egg

21:02

every day of the week. You sell

21:04

the eggs seven for twenty-five cents.

21:07

Keep of hen costs nothing. Profit

21:10

practically twenty-five cents on every seven eggs.

21:13

Or look at it another way. Suppose you

21:15

have a dozen hens. Each of the

21:17

hens has a dozen chickens. Chickens

21:19

grow up and have more chickens. By

21:22

in no time you'll have the place

21:24

covered knee-deep in hens or laying

21:26

eggs at twenty-five cents for every

21:28

seven. You'd make a fortune. Jolly

21:31

life, too, keeping hens. He

21:33

had begun to get quite worked up at the thought of it. But

21:37

he slopped back in his chair at this juncture with

21:39

a good deal of gloom. But

21:41

of course there's no good, he said,

21:44

because I haven't the cash. You've

21:47

only to say the word, you know, bicky old top. It's

21:50

awfully birdy, but I'm not going

21:52

to sponge on you. That's

21:55

always the way of this world. The

21:57

Chabbies you'd like to lend money to won't

21:59

let you. Whereas. The choppers

22:01

you don't want to lend it to

22:03

will do everything except actually stands you

22:05

on your head and lift the species

22:08

out of your pockets. As.

22:10

A ladder was always road tolerably free in

22:12

the right stuff. I've had lots

22:14

of experience of the second class. Many.

22:16

The time back in London. I've heard

22:18

alone Piccadilly and felt the hot best of

22:21

the picture on the back of my neck.

22:23

And. Hurt his shop. Excited yapping as a closed

22:25

in on me. As. Simply

22:28

spent my life scattering law a blight as

22:30

I didn't get a hang for. It

22:32

she'll was I now. Shipping. The

22:34

blooms and pieces of eight and

22:36

longing to hand them over and

22:38

Vicky Paul face absolutely on his

22:40

up as not taking any at

22:42

any price. Well. There's

22:45

only one hopes and. Was. That.

22:47

Jeeves. The. There.

22:50

Was she's. Standing. Behind

22:52

me full of zeal, In.

22:54

This matter of shimmering into rooms. the

22:56

champions rummy to degree. Still,

22:58

Sitting in an old armchairs thinking of

23:00

this and that and then suddenly you

23:02

look up and there is. He.

23:05

Moves from point to point with his

23:07

little uproar as a jellyfish. The.

23:09

Thing startled poor old Vicky considerably.

23:12

He. Rose from his seat like a rocketing says and.

23:15

I'm used to Jeeves now, but often in the days

23:17

when he first came to me, I've. Bit

23:19

my tongue freely on finding him unexpectedly

23:21

in my midst. Of did

23:23

you polzer. Oh they are you.

23:25

Ah jeez. Precisely. So. She's.

23:28

Mister biggest as is still up the

23:30

pole and the ideas. Why? Years

23:32

since we had our recent

23:35

conversation. I. Fancy I have

23:37

found what may prove a solution. As

23:39

not wish to appear to be taking liberties or.

23:42

But I think that we have overlooked

23:44

is Greece's potentiality is as a source

23:47

of revenue. But he

23:49

laughed. But. I've sometimes seem

23:51

described as a hollow mocking. Last.

23:53

A sort of bitter cackle from the back of

23:55

the throat. Rather, Like a goggle.

23:58

I do not alludes. Sir," explained

24:01

Jeeves, to the possibility of

24:03

inducing his grace to part with money.

24:06

I am taking the liberty of regarding his

24:08

grace in the light of, and at present,

24:10

if I may say so, useless

24:13

property which is capable of being

24:15

developed. Bicky

24:18

looked at me in a helpless kind of way. I

24:20

am bound to say I didn't get it myself. Couldn't

24:23

you make it a bit easier, Jeeves?" In

24:26

a nutshell, sir, what I mean is this. His

24:29

grace is, in a sense, a

24:31

prominent personage. The inhabitants

24:33

of this country, as you no doubt

24:35

are aware, sir, are peculiarly

24:38

addicted to shaking hands with

24:40

prominent personages. It occurred

24:42

to me that Mr. Biggesteath, or yourself,

24:45

might know of persons who would be willing

24:47

to pay a small fee, let

24:49

us say, two dollars or three, for

24:52

the privilege of an introduction, including

24:54

handshake, to his grace. Bicky

24:58

didn't seem to think much of it. Do

25:01

you mean to say that anyone would

25:03

be mug enough to part with solid

25:05

cash just to shake hands with my

25:07

uncle? I have an

25:09

answer, who paid five shillings to a

25:11

young fellow for bringing a movie-picture

25:13

actor to tea at her house one

25:16

Sunday. It gave her social

25:18

standing among the neighbours. Bicky

25:21

wavered. If you

25:23

think it could be done, I feel

25:25

convinced of it, sir. What do you

25:27

think, Bertie? I am for it, old

25:29

boy. Absolutely, a very brainy

25:31

wheeze. Thank you, sir. Will

25:34

there be anything further? Good night, sir."

25:38

And he floated out, leaving us to

25:40

discuss details. Until

25:42

we started this business of floating

25:44

old Chiswick as a money-making proposition,

25:47

I had never realised what a

25:49

perfectly foul time those stock-exchange chappies

25:51

must have when the public isn't

25:54

biting freely. Nowadays I

25:56

Read that bit. they put in the

25:58

financial reports about the market open the

26:00

quietly with a sympathetic I. For.

26:02

By Jove. It. Certainly open

26:04

quietly for us. It. Hardly

26:07

believe how difficult it was to interest of

26:09

public and make them take a flutter on

26:11

the old boy. By. The end

26:13

of the week the only name we had

26:15

on our list was a delicatessen storekeeper down

26:17

and became part of the town. And

26:20

as he wanted us to take it out

26:22

in sliced com instead of a didn't much

26:24

out. There was a

26:26

gleam Have lied when the brother

26:28

of bitches pawnbroker offered ten dollars

26:30

money done. For. An introduction to

26:32

old Cizik. But the deal fell

26:35

through. Owing to it's turning out of

26:37

the chap was an artist. And. Intended to

26:39

kick the old boy instead of shaking hands with him.

26:42

At Dad took me to do so the time

26:44

to persuade Vicky not a grabbed the cash and

26:46

the things take their costs. You

26:48

seem to regard the pawnbrokers brother rather

26:50

as a sportsman and benefactor of his

26:52

species and otherwise. They.

26:55

Will thing I'm inclined to think would

26:57

have been off he would hadn't been

26:59

cities. There. Is no doubt that Jesus

27:01

in a class of his own. In.

27:03

A matter of brain and resource I

27:05

don't think I've ever met at sappy

27:07

so supremely like Mother made. It.

27:09

Trickled into my room one morning with a good old

27:11

cup of tea. And intimated there was

27:14

something doing. Might. I speak

27:16

to you with regard to that matter of his

27:18

Grace A. It's. Off. Who.

27:20

Decided to get. So. It.

27:23

Won't work. The can't get anybody to

27:25

com. I. Fancy, I

27:27

can arrange that aspect of the Madison.

27:30

To. Mean to say you've managed to get anybody. Yes

27:33

sir, eighty Seven Gentlemen From

27:35

Birds Books. Set

27:38

up in added spent thirty

27:40

birds, birds, Birds berg

27:42

Missouri so. How did

27:44

you get them? It happened last

27:46

night said. As. He would intimated

27:48

that you'd be absent from home. To

27:51

and the theatrical performance. And

27:53

entered into conversation between the acts with the

27:55

occupant to the adjoining seat. At

27:57

observed that he was wearing a somewhat or needs.

28:00

The coloration in his bottom a. A.

28:02

Large blue button with the words

28:04

boost for birds berg upon it

28:06

in red letters. scarcely a judicious

28:08

addition to a gentleman's evening costs

28:11

due. To. My surprise

28:13

I noticed the auditorium was

28:15

full of persons similarly decorated.

28:17

I. Ventured to enquire the explanation.

28:20

And. Was informed that these gentlemen

28:22

forming a party of eighty seven.

28:25

Or convention from a town of the name

28:27

of birds berg in the state of Missouri.

28:30

Their. Visit I gathered. Was.

28:32

Purely on a social and pleasurable nature.

28:35

And my informants spoke at some length

28:37

of the entertainment's reigns to their stay

28:39

in the city. It

28:41

was when he related with a considerable

28:43

amount of satisfaction and pride. The.

28:46

Deputation of their number had been introduced

28:48

to and had shaken hands with a

28:50

well known prize fighter. That.

28:52

It occurred to me to broach the subject of

28:54

his grace. To make a long

28:57

story short, sir. I've arranged subject

28:59

to your approval. Of. The

29:01

entire convention, so be presented to

29:03

his grace tomorrow afternoon. I

29:06

was amazed. This. Chap, he wasn't

29:09

Napoleon. Eighty Seven G

29:11

use. At how much ahead. I

29:14

was obliged to agree to a reduction

29:16

for quantities of. The. Terms finally

29:18

arrived at were one hundred and

29:20

fifty dollars for the party. I.

29:23

Thought to be. Payable. In

29:25

advance? No sir. I endeavored to

29:28

obtain payment in advance, but was

29:30

not successful. So. Anyway,

29:33

When. We get it. I'll make it up the

29:35

five hundred big. You'll never know. To.

29:37

Suspect mister biggest effort. Suspect anything to use as

29:39

I've made it up to five hundred. I.

29:42

Fancy nonsense. Mister. Biggest

29:44

Death is an agreeable gentlemen, but

29:46

not. Or. I

29:48

then. After breakfast from down to the bank

29:50

and get me some money. The. Esa. You.

29:53

Know you're a bit of a marvel. Geez,

29:55

thank you sir! Plateau. Very

29:57

good sir. Why? To. The

30:00

road Dickey aside in the course of the

30:02

morning and told him what had happened. He

30:04

nearly broke down. He. Taught I didn't

30:06

have the sitting room and buttonholed old civic.

30:09

Was. Reading Comics section of the Morning

30:11

Paper with the kind of grim resolution.

30:14

Uncle. He. Said. Are.

30:16

You doing anything special tomorrow?

30:18

afternoon? I mean to say I

30:20

lost a few of my thousand. Meet? You don't'

30:22

you know? The. Old

30:25

boy talk to speculative. I had him. There

30:27

will be no reporters among them.

30:30

Voters rather not. Why I

30:33

refuse to be badgered by

30:35

reporters. They. Are a number

30:37

of adhesives young men who endeavored to

30:40

elicit from me my views on America

30:42

ah, the Boat as opposing the Doc.

30:44

I will not be subjected to this

30:47

persecution again. This. Absolutely

30:49

all right Uncle. They. Won't be

30:51

a newspaperman and the place. In

30:53

that case, I should be glad to make

30:55

the Clintons have girlfriends. He'll.

30:57

Say cans with them and so forth. I

31:00

so naturally order my behavior according

31:02

to the accepted rules of civilized

31:05

intercourse. Vicky

31:07

thanked him heartily. And came after

31:09

lunch with me at the club. Or. A

31:11

babbled freely of hens incubators. Another

31:14

rotten things. Are

31:16

so much your consideration? We. Decided to

31:18

unleash the birds bird contingent on the

31:20

old boy tennis time. Geez

31:23

brought his the at about around to see us.

31:25

And. We arrange the whole thing with him. Very.

31:27

Decent chap me. But. Rather inclined to

31:30

polar the conversation. And turn it

31:32

in the direction of his home towns new water

31:34

supply system. We. Settled that. As

31:36

an hour was about all he would be likely

31:39

to send. Each. Gangs had

31:41

considered self entitled to seven Minutes

31:43

of the Duke Society by Jesus

31:45

Stopwatch. And that, when that

31:47

time was ah jeez, should slide into the

31:50

room and cough meaningless. Then.

31:52

We partied with what I believe a

31:54

cold mutual expressions of good will. The.

31:56

birds big chappie extending and cordial invitation

31:58

to us all to pop out some

32:01

day and take a look at the new water

32:03

supply system, for which we thanked

32:05

him. Next day

32:07

the deputation rolled in. The first

32:09

shift consisted of the cove we

32:11

had first met and nine others almost

32:13

exactly like him in every respect. They

32:16

all looked deuced, keen, and businesslike, as

32:19

if from U-SARP they had been working in

32:21

the office and catching the boss's eye and

32:23

whatnot. They shook hands with the

32:25

old boy with a good deal of apparent

32:27

satisfaction, all except one chappy,

32:30

who seemed to be brooding about something, and

32:32

then they stood off and became chatty. "'What

32:35

message have you for Birdsburg, Duke?' asked

32:38

our pal. The old boy

32:40

seemed a bit rattled. "'I have

32:42

never been to Birdsburg.' The

32:45

chappy seemed pained. "'You should pay

32:47

to visit,' he said. "'The most

32:49

rapidly growing city in the country! Boost

32:52

for Birdsburg! Boost for Birdsburg!'

32:55

said the other chappies reverently. The

32:58

chappy had been brooding suddenly gave tongue. "'Say,'

33:01

he was a

33:03

stout sort of well-fed cove, with one

33:05

of those determined chins and a cold

33:07

eye. The assemblage looked at

33:09

him. "'As

33:12

a matter of business,' said

33:14

the chappy, "'mind you, I'm

33:16

not questioning anybody's good faith, but

33:19

as a matter of strict business, I

33:21

think this gentleman here ought

33:24

to put himself on record

33:26

before witnesses, stating that he really is

33:28

a Duke.' "'What

33:30

do you mean, sir?' cried

33:32

the old boy, getting purple. "'No

33:34

offense. Simply business. I'm

33:37

not saying anything, mind you, but there's

33:40

one thing that seems kind of funny to me. This

33:43

gentleman here says his name's Mr. Bicker's

33:45

death, as I understand it. Well,

33:48

if you're the Duke of Chiswick, why

33:51

isn't he, Lord Percy, something?' "'I've

33:54

read English novels, and I know all about it.'

33:56

"'Well, this is monstrous.' "'Now

33:59

don't get'—' hot under the collar, I'm

34:01

only asking. I've a right to

34:03

know. You're going to take our

34:05

money so it's only fair that we should see

34:08

that we get our money's worth." The

34:11

water supply cove chipped in. "'You're

34:13

quite right, Sims. I overlooked

34:16

that when making the agreement. You

34:18

see, gentlemen, as businessmen, we were

34:20

right to reasonable guarantees of good

34:22

faith. We are paying Mr. Bickersteth here

34:24

$150 for this reception, and we naturally want to know.' Ochizik

34:31

gave Bicky a searching look. Then

34:34

he turned to the water supply chappy. He

34:37

was frightfully calm. "'I

34:39

can assure you that I know nothing

34:41

of this,' he said quite

34:43

politely. "'I should be grateful

34:45

if you would explain.' "'Well,

34:48

we arranged with Mr. Bickersteth that

34:50

eighty-seven citizens of Birdsburg should

34:52

have the privilege of meeting

34:55

and shaking hands with you

34:57

for a financial consideration mutually

34:59

arranged. And what my friend

35:01

Sims here means, and I'm with him, is

35:04

that we only have Mr. Bickersteth's word for

35:06

it, and he is a stranger to us,

35:09

that you are the Duke of Chizuk at all.' "'Ochizik

35:13

gulped.' "'Allow

35:15

me to assure you, sir,' he

35:18

said, in a rummy kind of voice, that

35:21

I am the Duke of Chizuk.

35:24

"'Then that's all right,' said

35:27

the chappy heartily. "'That was

35:29

all we wanted to know. Let the

35:31

thing go on.' "'I

35:33

am sorry to say,' said old

35:35

Chizuk, that it cannot go on. I am

35:38

feeling a little tired. I fear I

35:41

must ask to be excused. But

35:43

there are seventy-seven of the boys waiting round

35:46

the corner at this moment, Duke, to be

35:48

introduced to you. I

35:50

fear I must disappoint them. But

35:53

in that case the deal would have to be off.

35:56

That is a matter for you and my

35:58

nephew to discuss.'" The

36:01

chappy seemed troubled. "'You really

36:03

won't meet the rest of them?' "'No.'

36:06

"'Well, then. I guess we'll

36:08

be going.' They

36:10

went out, and there was a

36:12

pretty solid silence. Then

36:15

old Chizik turned to Bicky. "'Well?'

36:19

Bicky didn't seem to have anything to say. "'Was

36:22

it true what that man said?' "'Yes,

36:25

uncle.' "'What do you mean by

36:27

playing this trick?' Bicky

36:30

seemed pretty well knocked out, so I put in

36:32

a word. "'I think you'd

36:34

better explain the whole thing, Bicky old top.' Bicky's

36:38

Adam's apple jumped about a bit. Then

36:40

he started. "'You see,

36:43

you had cut off my allowance, uncle. I

36:46

wanted a bit of money to start a chicken farm.

36:49

I mean to say, it's an absolute cert

36:51

if you once get a bit of capital.

36:53

You buy a hen, and it lays an

36:55

egg every day of the week, and you

36:57

sell the egg, say, seven for twenty-five cents.

37:00

Keep of hens cost nothing. Profit

37:03

practically.' "'What is all this nonsense

37:05

about hens? You led me to

37:07

suppose you were a substantial businessman.'

37:10

"'Old Bicky rather exaggerated, sir,'

37:13

I said, helping the chappy out. "'The

37:15

fact is, the poor old lad is absolutely

37:18

dependent on that remittance of yours. And

37:20

when you cut it off, don't you know, he was

37:22

pretty solidly in the soup, and had

37:24

to think of some way of closing in on a bit

37:26

of the ready pretty quick. That's why

37:29

we thought of this hand-shaking scheme.' Old

37:32

Chizik foamed at the mouth. "'So

37:34

you have lied to me. You

37:36

have deliberately deceived me as to

37:38

your financial status.' "'Poor

37:41

old Bicky didn't want to go to that

37:43

ranch,' I explained. "'He doesn't like

37:45

cows and horses, and he rather thinks

37:47

he would be hot stuff among the hens. All

37:49

he wants is a bit of capital. Don't

37:52

you think it would be a rather wheeze if you

37:54

were to withholding? After what has happened? After

37:56

this! This deceit and foolery!

37:59

Not for me! up any, but

38:02

not a penny." There

38:05

was a respectful cough in the background. If

38:08

I might make a suggestion, sir. Jeeves

38:11

was standing on the horizon, looking

38:13

devilish brainy. Go ahead, Jeeves,

38:15

I said. I would

38:18

merely suggest, sir, that

38:20

if Mr. Biggestev is in need of

38:22

a little ready money, and

38:24

is at a loss to obtain it elsewhere,

38:26

he might secure the sum he requires

38:28

by describing the occurrences of this

38:30

afternoon for the Sunday

38:32

issue of one of the more

38:35

spirited and enterprising newspapers. By

38:38

Jove, I said. By

38:40

George, said Picky. Great

38:42

heavens! said old Chizik. Very

38:45

good, sir, said Jeeves. Picky

38:48

turned to old Chizik with a gleaming eye. Jeeves

38:51

is right. I'll do it. The Chronicle

38:53

would jump at it. They eat

38:55

that sort of stuff. Old

38:58

Chizik gave a kind of moaning howl. I absolutely

39:01

forbid you fancies to do this thing.

39:04

That's all very well, said Picky,

39:06

wonderfully braced. But if

39:09

I can't get the money any other way...

39:12

Wait! Wait, my boy. You

39:15

are so impetuous. We

39:17

might...arrange something. I

39:20

won't go to that valley ranch. No, no,

39:22

no. My boy, I would not

39:24

suggest it. I would not for a moment

39:26

suggest it. I...I think... He

39:29

seemed to have a bit of a struggle with himself. I...I

39:33

think that, on the whole,

39:35

it would be best if you

39:37

returned with me to England. I...I

39:40

might. In fact, I think

39:42

I see my way to doing...who? I

39:46

might be able to utilize your

39:48

services in some secretarial position. I

39:51

shouldn't mind that. I should

39:53

not be able to offer you a salary. But,

39:55

as you know, in English political life, the

39:58

unpaid secretary is a... The

40:02

only figure I'll recognize," said

40:04

Bicky firmly, "'is five

40:07

hundred quid a year paid

40:09

quarterly." My dear boy! Absolutely!

40:13

But your recompense, my dear Francis,

40:15

would consist in the unrivaled opportunities

40:17

you would have, as my secretary,

40:19

to gain experience, to

40:22

accustom yourself to the intricacies of political

40:25

life to, in fact, you

40:27

would be in an exceedingly

40:30

advantageous position." "'Five hundred

40:32

a year,' said Bicky,

40:34

rolling it round his tongue. Why,

40:37

there would be nothing to what I could make

40:39

if I started a chicken farm. It stands

40:41

to reason. Suppose you have a dozen hens.

40:44

Each of the hens has a dozen chickens. After

40:47

a bit the chickens grow up and

40:49

have a dozen chickens each themselves, and

40:51

then they all start laying eggs. There's

40:53

a fortune in it. You can

40:55

get anything you like for eggs in America. Crapies

40:58

keep them on ice for years and years

41:00

and don't sell them till they fetch about

41:02

a dollar a world. You don't

41:04

think I'm going to chuck a future like

41:06

this for anything under five hundred a goblins

41:09

a year? What?" A

41:12

look of anguish passed over old Chiswick's face.

41:15

Then he seemed to be resigned to it. "'Very

41:18

well, my boy,' he said. "'What

41:21

so?' said Bicky. "'All right, then.' "'Geeves,'

41:25

I said. Bicky

41:27

had taken the old boy off to dinner to

41:29

celebrate, and we were alone. "'Geeves,

41:32

this has been one of your best efforts. Thank

41:35

you, sir. It beats me how you do it.

41:38

Yes.' "'The only trouble is you

41:40

haven't got much out of it, what?' I

41:43

fancy Mr. Biggest F. intends," I

41:45

judge from his remarks, "'to signify

41:47

his appreciation of anything I have been

41:50

fortunate enough to do to assist him,

41:52

at some later date when

41:54

he is in a more favorable position to do

41:56

so. It isn't enough,

41:58

Jeeves, sir.' It

42:01

was a wrench, but I felt it

42:03

was the only possible thing to be done. Bring

42:06

my shaving things." A

42:09

gleam of hope shone in the chappy's eye,

42:11

mixed with doubt. You

42:13

mean, sir, and shave

42:15

off my moustache. There

42:17

was a moment's silence. I

42:19

could see the fellow was deeply moved. Thank

42:23

you very much indeed, sir,

42:26

he said in a low voice, and

42:29

popped off. This

42:47

is B.J. Harrison. I hope

42:49

you've enjoyed this unabridged production of

42:51

Jeeves and the Hard-Boiled Egg by

42:53

P.G. Woodhouse. If you've

42:55

enjoyed this episode, you may also enjoy

42:57

Carry on Jeeves, another series of short

43:00

stories by P.G. Woodhouse, available

43:02

for free in your podcast feed.

43:05

Thank you for joining me today and

43:08

allowing classic literature to awaken your better

43:10

self. Please join me

43:12

next time, and we'll rediscover the greatest

43:14

stories ever put to paper.