2:00

you won't mind it again. And

2:02

now, leave it to

2:04

Jeeves by P.G. Woodhouse. Jeeves,

2:08

my man, you

2:11

know, is really

2:15

a most extraordinary

2:18

chap. So capable.

2:20

Honestly, I

2:30

shouldn't know what I would do without him. On

2:33

broader lines he is like those chappies

2:35

who sit peering sadly over the marble

2:37

battlements at the Pennsylvania station in the

2:40

place-marked inquiries. You know the jones, I

2:42

mean. You go up to them and say, when's

2:45

the next train for Mellon Squashfield, Tennessee?

2:47

And they reply without stopping to think,

2:49

two forty-three track ten change at San

2:52

Francisco. And they're right every

2:54

time. Well, Jeeves

2:56

gives you just the same impression of

2:58

omniscience. As an instance of

3:00

what I mean, I remember meeting

3:02

Monty Bing in Bond Street one morning,

3:05

looking the last word in a grey

3:07

check-suit, and I felt I should never

3:09

be happy till I had one like

3:11

it. I dug the address of the

3:13

tailors out of him and had them working

3:16

on the thing inside the hour. Jeeves,

3:18

I said that evening, I'm

3:20

getting a check-suit like that one of

3:23

Mr. Bing's. In judicious,

3:25

sir, he said firmly, it

3:28

will not become you. What absolute

3:30

rot! It's the soundest thing I've struck

3:32

for years. Unsuitable

3:34

for you, sir. Well, the

3:36

long and the short of it was that the confounded

3:38

thing came home and I put it on, and when

3:41

I caught sight of myself in the glass I

3:43

nearly swooned. Jeeves was

3:45

perfectly right. I looked across between

3:47

a music-hall comedian and a cheap bookie. Yet

3:50

Monty had looked fine in

3:52

absolutely the same stuff. These

3:55

things are just life's mysteries, and that's all there

3:57

is to it. But it

3:59

isn't I

26:00

wanted, of course, to rush down to Washington

26:02

Square and grip the poor blighter silently by

26:04

the hand. And then thinking

26:06

it over, I hadn't the nerve. Absent

26:10

treatment, it seemed the touch. I gave

26:12

it to him in waves. But

26:14

after a month or so, I began to hesitate

26:16

again. It struck me that

26:18

it was playing it a bit low down on

26:20

the poor chap, avoiding him like this, just

26:23

when he probably wanted his pals to surge

26:25

round him most. I

26:27

pictured him sitting in his lonely studio with

26:29

no company but his bitter thoughts, when the

26:31

pathos of it got me to such an

26:33

extent that I bounded straight into a taxi

26:36

and told the driver to go all out

26:38

for the studio. I rushed

26:40

in, and there was Corky, hunched up

26:42

at the easel, painting away, while

26:45

on the model throne sat a

26:47

severe-looking female of middle age, holding

26:49

a baby. A

26:51

fellow has to be ready for that sort of thing. Oh!

26:54

Ah! I said, and started to

26:57

back out. Corky looked over his shoulder. Hello,

26:59

Bertie. Don't go. We're just

27:01

finishing for the day. That will

27:03

be all this afternoon, he said to the

27:06

nurse, who got up with the

27:08

baby and decanted it into a peremulator which

27:10

was standing in the fairway. At

27:12

the same time tomorrow, Mr. Corcoran? Yes,

27:15

please. Good afternoon. Good

27:17

afternoon. He

27:20

stood there, looking at the door, and

27:23

then he turned to me and began to get

27:25

it off his chest. Fortunately, he

27:27

seemed to take it for granted that I knew all

27:29

about what had happened, so it wasn't as awkward as

27:31

it might have been. It's

27:34

my uncle's idea, he said. Muriel

27:37

doesn't know about it yet. The

27:39

portrait's to be a surprise for her on her

27:41

birthday. The nurse takes the

27:44

kid out ostensibly to get a breather, and they

27:46

beat it down here. If

27:48

you want an instance of the irony of fate,

27:50

Bertie, get acquainted with this. Here's

27:53

the first commission I have ever had to paint a

27:55

portrait, and the sitter is

27:57

that human poached egg that is butted in.

27:59

and bounced me out of my inheritance. Can

28:02

you beat it? I call

28:04

it rubbing the thing in to expect me

28:06

to spend my afternoons gazing into the ugly

28:08

face of a little brat who, at all

28:10

intents and purposes, has hit me behind the

28:13

ear with a blackjack and swiped all I

28:15

possess. I can't refuse

28:17

to paint the portrait, because if I did,

28:19

my uncle would stop my allowance. Yet

28:22

every time I look up and catch that kid's

28:24

vacant eye, I suffer agonies.

28:27

I tell you, sometimes when he

28:29

gives me a patronizing glance and then turns

28:31

away and is sick, as if

28:33

it revolted him to look at me, I come

28:36

within an ace of occupying the entire

28:38

front page of the evening papers as

28:41

the latest murder sensation. There

28:43

are moments when I can almost see the headlines, promising

28:46

young artist Bean's baby with axe.

28:50

I patted his shoulder silently. My

28:52

sympathy for the poor old scout was too deep

28:55

for words. I kept away

28:57

from the studio for some time after that, because

28:59

it didn't seem right to me to intrude on the

29:01

poor chappy sorrow. Besides, I'm bound

29:03

to say that nurse intimidated me. She

29:06

reminded me so infernally of Aunt Agatha. She

29:09

was the same gimlet-eyed type. But

29:11

one afternoon Corky called me on the phone. Bertie?

29:15

Hello? Are you doing anything this

29:18

afternoon? Nothing special? You

29:20

couldn't come down here, could you? What's

29:23

the trouble? Anything up? I've finished

29:25

the portrait. Good boy! Stout work!

29:28

Yes. His voice

29:30

sounded rather doubtful. The

29:32

fact is, Bertie, it doesn't look quite right to

29:35

me. There's something about it.

29:37

My uncle's coming in half an hour to inspect it,

29:40

and I don't know why it

29:42

is, but I kind of feel

29:44

I'd like your moral support. I

29:47

began to see that I was letting myself in for something.

29:50

The sympathetic cooperation of Jeeves seemed to

29:52

me to be indicated. You

29:54

think he'll cut up Raph? He may.

29:58

I threw my mind back to the red-faced chappy

30:00

I had met at the restaurant, and

30:02

tried to picture him cutting up rough. He

30:04

was only too easy. I

30:06

spoke to Corky firmly on the telephone. "'I'll

30:09

come,' I said. "'Good. But

30:12

only if I may bring Jeeves. Why

30:14

Jeeves? What's Jeeves got to do with

30:16

it? Who wants Jeeves? Jeeves is the

30:18

fool who suggested the scheme that is

30:20

led. Listen, Corky old top. If

30:23

you think I'm going to face that

30:25

uncle of yours without Jeeves's support, you're

30:27

mistaken. I'd sooner go into a

30:29

den of wild beasts and bite a lion on the

30:31

back of the neck.' "'All

30:33

right,' said Corky. "'Not

30:36

cordially, but he said it. So

30:38

I rang for Jeeves and explained the

30:40

situation.' "'Very good, sir,'

30:43

said Jeeves. "'That's the sort

30:45

of chap he is. You can't rattle him.' "'We

30:48

found Corky near the door, looking at the picture,

30:50

with one hand up in a defensive sort of

30:53

way, as if he thought it might swing on

30:55

him.' "'Stand right where you

30:57

are, Bertie,' he said without moving.

31:00

Now tell me honestly, how

31:02

does it strike you?' "'The

31:05

light from the big window fell right

31:07

on the picture. I took

31:09

a good look at it. Then

31:11

I shifted a bit nearer and took another

31:13

look. Then I went back to where

31:16

I had been at first because it hadn't seemed quite so

31:18

bad from there.' "'Well,' said

31:21

Corky, "'I

31:24

hesitated a bit.' "'Of

31:26

course, old man, I only saw the kid once,

31:28

and then only for a moment, but it

31:31

was an ugly sort of kid, wasn't it, if

31:34

I remember rightly?' "'As ugly

31:36

as that?' I looked again,

31:38

and honesty compelled

31:40

me to be frank. "'I

31:43

don't see how it could have been old chap.' Poor

31:46

old Corky ran his fingers through his hair

31:49

in a temperamental sort of way. He

31:51

groaned "'You're quite

31:53

right, Bertie. Something's gone

31:55

wrong with it, darn thing. My

31:57

private impression is that without knowing it, I'm not going to be able to do anything. I'm

32:00

I've worked that stunt that Sargent and

32:02

those fellows pull, painting the

32:04

soul of the sitter. I've

32:06

got through the mere outward appearance, and I've

32:09

put the child's soul on canvas." But

32:12

could a child of that age have a soul like

32:14

that? I don't see how he could have

32:16

managed it in the time. What do you think,

32:18

Jeeves? I doubt it, sir. It

32:21

sort of leers at you, doesn't it?" You've

32:24

noticed that, too?" said Corky.

32:27

I don't see how one could help noticing. All

32:29

I tried to do was to give the little brute

32:32

a cheerful expression. But as

32:34

it worked out, he looks positively dissipated.

32:37

Just what I was going to suggest, old man. He

32:39

looks as if he were in the middle of

32:41

a colossal spree and enjoying every minute of it.

32:44

Don't you think so, Jeeves? He has

32:46

a decidedly inebriated ear, sir. Corky

32:49

was starting to say something when the

32:51

door opened and the uncle came in.

32:55

For about three seconds all was joy,

32:57

jollity, and good will. The

32:59

old boy shook hands with me, slapped Corky on

33:01

the back, said that he didn't think

33:03

he had ever seen such a fine day, and

33:05

whacked his leg with his stick. Jeeves

33:08

had projected himself into the background, and he

33:10

didn't notice him. Well, Bruce,

33:12

my boy. So the portrait

33:14

is really finished, is it? Really? Finished?

33:17

Well, bring it out. Let's have a look at

33:19

it. This will be a wonderful surprise

33:21

for your aunt. Where is it? And

33:25

then he got it. Suddenly, when he

33:27

wasn't set for the punch, and

33:29

he rocked back on his heels. Oosh,

33:33

he exclaimed. And for

33:35

perhaps a minute, there was one of the

33:37

scariest silences I've ever run up against. Is

33:41

this a practical joke?

33:44

He said at last, in a way

33:46

that said about sixteen draughts cutting through the room at

33:48

once. I thought it was up

33:51

to me to rally round old Corky. You

33:53

understand a bit farther away from it, I said.

33:56

You're perfectly right, he snorted.

33:58

I do. I want to stand

34:00

so far away from it that I can't see the

34:03

thing with a telescope." He

34:05

turned on Corky like an untamed tiger of

34:07

the jungle who was just located a chunk

34:09

of meat. And this, this,

34:13

is what you have been wasting your time

34:15

and my money for all these years. A

34:18

painter. I wouldn't let you paint

34:20

a house of mine. I gave you

34:22

this commission, thinking that you were

34:25

a competent worker and this, this,

34:28

this extract from a comic-coloured supplement

34:30

is the result. He

34:33

swung towards it, lashing his tail and

34:35

growling to himself. This ends

34:38

it. If you wish

34:40

to continue this foolery of pretending to be

34:42

an artist because you want an excuse for

34:44

idleness, please yourself. But let me tell you

34:46

this. Unless you

34:48

reported my office on Monday morning,

34:50

prepare to abandon all this idiocy

34:52

and start at the bottom of

34:54

the business to work your way

34:56

up, as you should have done

34:58

have a dozen years ago, not

35:00

another cent. Not another

35:02

cent! Not another... BULLSH!

35:07

Then the door closed and he was

35:09

no longer with us and

35:11

I crawled out of the bomb-proof shelter. Corky,

35:15

old top, I

35:17

whispered faintly. Corky

35:20

was standing, staring at the picture. His

35:23

face was set. It

35:25

was a hunted look in his eye. Well,

35:29

that finishes it, he

35:31

muttered, brokenly. What

35:33

are you going to do? Do? What

35:36

can I do? I

35:38

can't stick on here if he cuts off supplies. You

35:41

heard what he said. I shall have to

35:44

go to the office on Monday. I

35:47

couldn't think of a thing to say. I

35:50

knew exactly how he felt about the office. I

35:52

don't know when I've been so infernly uncomfortable. It

35:55

was like hanging round trying to make conversation

35:58

to a pal who's just been sentenced to...

36:00

twenty years in quad.' And

36:03

then a soothing voice broke the silence.

36:06

"'If I might make a suggestion, sir.'

36:09

It was Jeeves. He had slid

36:11

from the shadows, and was gazing gravely at

36:13

the picture. Upon my

36:15

word I can't give you a better idea

36:18

of the shattering effect of Corky's uncle Alexander

36:20

when in action than by saying

36:22

that he had absolutely made me forget for

36:24

the moment that Jeeves was there. "'I

36:27

wonder if I ever happened to mention to you,

36:29

sir, a Mr. Digby

36:31

Thistleton, with whom I was once

36:34

in service. Perhaps you have met him? He

36:36

was a financier. He is now

36:39

Lord Bridgnorth. It was

36:41

a favourite saying of his that there is always

36:43

a way. The first time

36:45

I heard him use the expression was

36:47

after the failure of a patent depilatory,

36:50

which he promoted. "'Jeeves,'

36:52

I said, "'what on earth are you

36:54

talking about?' "'I

36:56

mentioned Mr. Thistleton, sir, because

36:59

his was in some respects a parallel

37:01

case to the present one. His

37:04

depilatory failed, but he

37:06

did not despair. He put it on

37:08

the market again under the name of

37:10

Hero, guaranteed to produce a full

37:12

crop of hair in a few months. It

37:15

was advertised, if you remember, sir, by

37:18

a humorous picture of a billiard-ball

37:20

before and after taking, and made

37:22

such a substantial fortune that Mr.

37:24

Thistleton was soon afterwards elevated to

37:27

the peerage for services to his

37:29

party. It seems to

37:31

me that if Mr. Corcoran looks into the

37:33

matter he will find, like

37:36

Mr. Thistleton, that there is always a

37:38

way. Mr. Warple

37:40

himself suggested the solution to the difficulty.

37:43

In the heat of the moment he compared

37:46

the portrait to an extract from

37:48

a coloured comic supplement. I

37:50

consider the suggestion a very valuable one,

37:52

sir. Mr. Corcoran's portrait

37:54

may not have pleased Mr. Warple as a

37:57

likeness of his only child, but

37:59

I have no doubt in it." out that editors

38:01

would gladly consider it as a foundation

38:03

for a series of humorous drawings. If

38:07

Mr. Corcoran will allow me to make the suggestion,

38:09

his talent has always been for the humorous.

38:12

There is something about this picture, something

38:14

bold and vigorous, which arrests the

38:17

attention. I feel sure

38:19

it would be highly popular." Corky

38:22

was glaring at the picture and making

38:24

a sort of dry sucking noise with his

38:27

mouth. He seemed

38:29

completely overwrought. And then suddenly

38:32

he began to laugh in a wild

38:34

way. "'Corky old man,'

38:36

I said, massaging him tenderly, I

38:39

feared the poor blighter was hysterical. He

38:42

began to stagger about all over the floor. "'He's

38:44

right! The man's

38:46

absolutely right. Jeeves, you're

38:49

a lifesaver. You've hit on

38:51

the greatest idea of the age. Report at

38:53

the office on Monday. Start at the

38:55

bottom of the office. I'll buy the

38:57

business if I feel like it. I

39:00

know the man who runs the comic section of

39:02

the Sunday Star. He'll eat this thing. He was

39:05

telling me only the other day how hard

39:07

it was to get a good new series.

39:10

He'll give me anything I ask for a real

39:12

winner like this. I've got a

39:14

gold mine. Where's my hat?

39:16

I've got an income for life.

39:18

Where's that confounded hat? Lend

39:20

me a fiver, Bertie. I want to take a

39:22

taxi down to Park Row.'" Jeeves

39:26

smiled paternally. Or rather,

39:28

he had a kind of paternal muscular spasm

39:30

about the mouth, which is the nearest

39:32

he ever got to smiling. "'If

39:34

I might make the suggestion, Mr. Corcoran, for

39:36

a title of the series, which you have

39:39

in mind, The Adventures

39:41

of Baby Blobs.' Corky

39:44

and I looked at the picture, then at

39:46

each other in an odd way. Jeeves

39:49

was right. There could be

39:51

no other title. Jeeves,"

39:54

I said. It was a few weeks later, and

39:56

I had just finished looking at the comics section

39:59

of the Sunday Star. Monday star. I'm

40:01

an optimist. I always have been. The

40:04

older I get, the more I agree with

40:06

Shakespeare and those poet Johnnies about it always

40:08

being darkest before the dawn, and there's

40:11

a silver lining and what you lose

40:13

on the swings you make up on the roundabouts. Look

40:16

at Mr. Corcoran, for instance. There

40:18

was a fellow, one would have said, clear

40:20

up to his eyebrows in the soup. To

40:23

all appearances he had got it right in the

40:25

neck. Yet look at him now. Have

40:27

you seen these pictures? I

40:29

took the liberty of glancing at them before bringing

40:31

them to you, sir. Extremely

40:33

diverting. They have made a big

40:35

hit, you know. I anticipated it, sir.

40:39

I leaned back against the pillows. You

40:42

know, Jeeves, you're a genius. You ought to

40:44

be drawing a commission on these things. I

40:46

have nothing to complain of in that respect, sir.

40:49

Mr. Corcoran is being most generous. I

40:52

am putting out the brown suit, sir. Now

40:55

I think I'll wear the blue with the faint red stripe.

40:57

Not the blue with the faint red stripe, sir. But

41:00

I rather fancy myself in it. Not

41:02

the blue with the faint red

41:05

stripe, sir. Oh, all right. Have it

41:07

your own way. Very good, sir. Thank

41:10

you, sir. Of

41:12

course, I know it's as bad as being

41:14

henpegged. But then Jeeves is always right. You've

41:16

got to consider that, you know. What? This

41:36

is BJ Harrison. I hope

41:38

you've enjoyed this unabridged production of

41:41

Leave It to Jeeves by PG Woodhouse. If

41:44

you've enjoyed this episode, you may

41:46

also enjoy Carry On Jeeves, another

41:48

series of short stories by PG

41:50

Woodhouse, available for free in your

41:52

podcast feed. Thank you

41:54

for joining me today and allowing

41:56

classic literature to awaken your better self.

42:00

Please join me next time and we'll

42:02

rediscover the greatest stories ever put to

42:04

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