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we welcome pianist and Gruner extraordinaire totally

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0:30

Monte. Carlo is the worst/best place

0:33

to go on a bender. Until

0:35

you wake up in a park and make

0:37

the news the next day. P.

0:40

G. Wodehouse today on the

0:42

Classic Tales Podcast. Welcome

1:01

to the Classic Tales Podcast! Thank

1:03

you for listening. The. Vintage

1:05

episode for the week. Is. Bernice

1:07

Bob's Her Hair by F.

1:09

Scott Fitzgerald. Be. Sure to check

1:12

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1:14

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a supporter today. Today.

1:45

Story. Is. Another in the

1:48

series of Pg Woodhouse short stories

1:50

found in the Volume My Men

1:52

Jeeves, Reggie. Is very

1:54

similar to Bertie. But. Reggie his

1:56

valet is very different. As you'll

1:58

discover. i hope you like it. And

2:01

now, rallying round old

2:03

George by P.G. Woodhouse. I

2:23

think one of the rummiest affairs I was ever mixed

2:25

up with, in the course of

2:27

a lifetime devoted to rotting into other people's

2:29

business, was at a fair

2:31

of George Latica at Monte Carlo. I

2:34

wouldn't bore you, don't you know, for the world, but

2:36

I think you ought to hear about it. We

2:39

had come to Monte Carlo on the yacht

2:41

Circe, belonging to an old sportsman

2:43

of the name of Marshall. Among

2:46

those present were myself, my man

2:48

Vules, a Mrs. Vandali, her daughter

2:51

Stella, Mrs. Vandali's maid,

2:53

Pilbeam, and George.

2:56

George was a dear old pal of mine, in

2:59

fact it was I who had worked him into the

3:01

party. You see, George was due

3:03

to meet his uncle Augustus, who

3:05

was scheduled, George having just reached

3:07

his twenty-fifth birthday, to hand

3:09

over to him a legacy left by one

3:11

of George's aunts, for which he

3:14

had been trustee. The

3:16

aunt had died when George was quite a kid. It

3:18

was a date that George had been looking forward

3:20

to, though he had a

3:23

sort of income, and income after all

3:25

is only an income, whereas a chunk

3:27

of goblins is a pile. George's

3:30

uncle was in Monte Carlo, and had

3:32

written George that he would come to

3:34

London and unbelt, but it

3:37

struck me that a far better plan was

3:39

for George to go to his uncle at

3:41

Monte Carlo instead. Kill two birds

3:43

with one stone, don't you know? Just

3:45

stop his affairs and have a pleasant holiday

3:47

simultaneously. So, George had

3:50

tagged along, and at the time

3:52

when the trouble started we were anchored at

3:54

Monaco Harbour, and uncle Augustus

3:56

was due next day. Looking

3:59

back, I may Hey that. Far

4:01

as I was mixed up in a the thing

4:03

began at seven o'clock in the morning. And

4:06

I was aroused my dreamless sleep. By.

4:08

The dickens of a scrap in Progress

4:10

outside my stateroom. Tall. The. Chief

4:12

ingredients were a female voice and

4:14

sobbed and said oh Harold and

4:17

a male voice raised in anger

4:19

as they say. Which. After

4:21

considerable difficulty. Identified

4:23

as rules. I

4:26

hardly recognized it. In

4:28

his official capacity. Rules. Talks

4:30

exactly like you'd expect dispatch you to talk

4:32

to. Had caught. In. Private,

4:34

however, He. Evidently, relax to

4:36

some extent. And sad that sort

4:38

of thing going on in my midst

4:40

that our was too much for me

4:42

mousse or yells. Spiel. On

4:45

cop ceased with a jerk. There

4:47

was silence. Than. Solves diminishing in

4:49

the distance and finally a top of the

4:51

door. Rules Entered without impressive

4:53

my lord, the carriage weights look which

4:55

is what I pay him for. Would

4:58

have believed he had a drop of any sort of

5:00

emotion in them. Fools. I said.

5:03

Are you under the delusion that I'm going to

5:05

be the clean of the May? You

5:07

called me early, All right is only just

5:09

seven. I. Understood you to summon

5:11

me sir. I summons you

5:14

to find out why you are making that

5:16

infernal noise outside. I owe you

5:18

an apology, sir. I'm afraid that

5:20

in the heat of the moment I raised my

5:22

voice. To. Wonder you didn't raise

5:24

the roof? Was that with you? Misspelt

5:27

being sir. Mrs. Vandalized,

5:30

made. Was. All the

5:32

trouble about. I. Was break in our

5:34

engagement sir. I. Couldn't

5:36

help gaping. Somehow one

5:38

didn't associate rules with engagements.

5:41

That. And struck me that I had no right

5:43

to button on his secret sorrows. So I

5:45

switched the conversation. I think I'll

5:48

get up I said there. I

5:51

wait to breakfast with the rest. Can. You

5:53

give me some right away. The. Esa. So.

5:56

i had a solitary breakfast and went up

5:58

on dec to smoke It was a

6:00

lovely morning. Blue sea,

6:02

gleaming casino, cloudless sky, and

6:05

all the rest of the hippodrome. Presently

6:07

the others began to trickle up. Stella

6:10

Vandalay was one of the first. I

6:12

thought she looked a bit pale and tired. She

6:15

said she hadn't slept well. That accounted for

6:17

it. Unless you get your eight hours,

6:19

where are you? Seen George,

6:22

I asked. I

6:24

couldn't help thinking the name seemed to freeze

6:26

her a bit, which was

6:28

queer, because all the voyage she

6:30

and George had been particularly close pals. In

6:33

fact, at any moment I expected George to

6:35

come to me and slip his little hand

6:37

in mine and whisper, I've done it, old

6:39

scouse. She loves me. I

6:42

have not seen Mr. Latica, she said.

6:45

I didn't pursue the subject. George's

6:47

stock was apparently low at that a.m. The

6:51

next item in the day's program occurred a

6:53

few minutes later, when the morning papers arrived.

6:55

Mrs. Vandalay opened hers and gave a screen.

6:58

Ah! The poor dear prince,

7:01

she said. What a shocking

7:03

thing, said old Marshall. I

7:07

knew him in Vienna, said Mrs.

7:09

Vandalay. He waltzed divinely.

7:13

I then got at mine and saw what they were talking

7:15

about. The paper was full of it. It

7:18

seemed that late the night before,

7:20

his serene highness, the Prince of

7:22

Saxburg-Lain, yet—I always wondered why they called

7:24

these chaps serene—had been murderously

7:27

assaulted in a dark street on his way

7:29

back from the casino to his yacht. Apparently

7:32

he had developed the habit of going out

7:34

without an escort, and some roughneck, taking

7:36

advantage of this, had laid for him

7:38

and slugged him with considerable vim. The

7:41

Prince had been found lying pretty well beaten

7:44

up and insensible in the street by a

7:46

passing pedestrian, and had been taken back to

7:48

his yacht, where he still lay

7:50

unconscious. This is

7:52

going to do somebody no good, I said. What

7:55

do you get for slugging a serene highness? I

7:58

wonder if they'll catch the fellow. later,"

8:01

read old Marshall, the pedestrian

8:03

who discovered his serene highness, proves

8:06

to have been Mr. Denman Sturgis,

8:09

the eminent private investigator. Mr.

8:11

Sturgis has offered his services to the police

8:14

and is understood to be in possession of a

8:16

most important clue. That's the

8:18

fellow who had charge of that kidnapping

8:20

case in Chicago. If anyone

8:22

can catch the man, he can." About

8:26

five minutes later, just as the rest of them

8:28

were going to move off to breakfast, a

8:31

boat hailed us and came alongside. A tall,

8:34

thin man came up the gangway. He

8:36

looked round the group and fixed on old

8:39

Marshall as the probable owner of the yacht.

8:41

"'Good morning,' he said. "'I

8:44

believe you have a Mr. Latica on

8:46

board, Mr. George Latica?' "'Yes,'

8:49

said Marshall. "'He's down below. Want to

8:51

see him? Whom shall I say?' "'He

8:54

would not know my name. I

8:56

shall like to see him for a moment on

8:58

somewhat urgent business. Take a seat.

9:00

He'll be up in a moment. Reggie, my

9:02

boy, go and hurry him up.' I

9:05

went down to George's state-room. "'George,

9:08

old man,' I shouted. "'No

9:10

answer.' I opened the door and

9:12

went in. The room was empty.

9:15

What's more, the bunk hadn't been slept in.

9:18

I don't know when I've been more surprised. I

9:21

went on deck. "'He isn't there,' I

9:23

said. "'Not there,' said

9:26

old Marshall. "'Where is he then?

9:28

Perhaps he's gone for a stroll ashore. He'll

9:30

be back soon for breakfast. You

9:33

had better wait for him. Have you

9:35

breakfasted?' "'No. Then will you join us?' "'The

9:38

man said he would, and just then

9:41

the gong went, and he trooped down,

9:43

leaving me alone on deck. I

9:45

sat, smoking and thinking, and

9:48

then smoking a bit more. When I thought I

9:51

heard somebody call my name in a sort of horse whisper, I

9:54

looked over my shoulder, and I jove

9:56

there at the top of the gangway an evening dress,

9:59

dusty, but not so. into the eyebrows and without

10:01

a hat, was dear old

10:03

George! Great Scott!" I cried. Shh!

10:06

He whispered, anyone about, and they were all

10:08

down at breakfast. He

10:11

gave a sigh of relief, sank into

10:13

my chair, and closed his eyes. I

10:16

regarded him with pity. The poor

10:18

old boy looked a wreck. I

10:20

say, I said, touching him on the

10:22

shoulder. He leaped out of the chair

10:24

with a smothered yell. Did you do that? What did

10:26

you do it for? What's the sense of it? How

10:28

do you suppose you can ever make yourself popular

10:31

if you go about touching people on the shoulder?

10:33

My nerves are sticking a yard out of my

10:35

body this morning, Reggie. Yes,

10:38

old boy? I did a murder last

10:40

night. What? It's

10:42

the sort of thing that might happen

10:44

to anybody. Directly stellar,

10:46

Vandalay broke off our engagement. I broke

10:49

off your engagement? How long were

10:51

you engaged? About two minutes. It

10:53

may have been less. I hadn't a stop-watt.

10:56

I proposed to her at ten last night in

10:58

the saloon. She accepted me. I

11:00

was just going to kiss her when we heard

11:02

someone coming. I went out. Coming

11:05

along the corridor was that infernal water-name

11:08

Mrs. Vandalay's maid, Pilbeam. Have

11:10

you ever been accepted by the girl you love, Reggie? Never.

11:14

I've refused dozens, then you won't understand

11:16

how I felt. I was off

11:18

my head with joy. I hardly

11:20

knew what I was doing. I just felt

11:22

I had to kiss the nearest thing handy.

11:24

I couldn't wait. It might have been

11:27

the ship's cat. It wasn't. It

11:30

was Pilbeam. You kissed her. I

11:32

kissed her. And just at that

11:34

moment the door of the saloon opened and out came

11:36

Stella. Great Scott! Exactly

11:39

what I said. It flashed across

11:41

me that to Stella, dear girl, not

11:43

knowing the circumstances, the thing might

11:45

seem a little odd. It did.

11:48

She broke off the engagement, and I

11:51

got out the dinghy and rode off. I

11:53

was mad. I didn't care what became of

11:55

me. I simply wanted to forget. I

11:58

went ashore. I... It's

12:00

just on the cards that I may have drowned my

12:02

sorrows a bit. Anyhow, I

12:04

don't remember a thing, except that I

12:06

can recollect having to do some scrap with somebody

12:08

in the dark street, and somebody

12:10

falling, and myself falling, and myself legging it

12:13

for all I was worth. I

12:15

woke up this morning in the casino gardens. I've

12:18

lost my heart. I

12:20

dived for the paper. Read, I said.

12:22

It's all there." He read.

12:25

Good heavens! he said. He

12:28

didn't do a thing to his serene nibs, did

12:30

you? Reggie, this

12:33

is awful. Cheer

12:35

up! They say he'll recover. That

12:38

doesn't matter. It does to him. He

12:41

read the paper again. It

12:43

says they've a clue. They always

12:45

say that. But my

12:48

hat. Eh? My hat!

12:50

I must have dropped it during the scrap. This

12:53

man, Denman Sturgis, must have found

12:56

it. It had my name in it.

12:59

George, I said, you mustn't

13:01

waste time. No! He jumped

13:03

a foot in the air. Don't do it!

13:05

He said, irritably. Don't bark like that.

13:07

What's the matter? The man! What

13:10

man? A tall, thin man with

13:13

an eye like a gimlet. He

13:15

arrived just before you did. He's

13:17

down in the saloon now, having breakfast. He

13:19

said he wanted to see you on business and wouldn't

13:22

give his name. I didn't like the

13:24

look of him from the first. Is

13:26

this fellow Sturgis, must be? No.

13:29

I feel it. I'm sure of it. Had

13:31

he a hat? Of course he had a

13:33

hat. To fool, I mean mine. Was

13:36

he carrying a hat? By Jove,

13:38

he was carrying a parcel. George,

13:41

old scout, you must get a move on. You

13:43

must light out if you want to spend the rest of your

13:46

life out of prison. Slucking a

13:48

serene highness is Lay's majesty. It's

13:50

worse than hitting a policeman. I haven't

13:52

got a moment to waste. But I

13:54

haven't any money. Reggie, old man,

13:56

lend me a tenor or something. I

13:58

must get over the frontier into... Italy at once. I'll

14:01

wire my uncle to meet me in—" "'Look out!' I

14:04

cried. "'There's someone coming!' He

14:06

dived out of sight, just as fools came

14:08

up the companion way, carrying a letter on

14:10

a tray. "'What's the matter?' I

14:13

said. "'What do you want?' "'I

14:15

beg your pardon, sir.' I thought I heard Mr.

14:17

Latica's voice. The letter has arrived for

14:19

him. "'He isn't here.' "'No,

14:21

sir. Shall I remove the

14:23

letter?' "'No, give it to me. I'll

14:26

give it to him when he comes.' "'Very

14:28

good, sir.' "'Now, fools! Are

14:31

they all still at breakfast? The

14:33

gentleman who came to see Mr. Latica, still hard

14:35

at it?' "'He is at

14:37

present occupied with a kippered herring, sir.' "'Ah!

14:41

That's all, fools. Thank you,

14:43

sir.' He retired. I

14:46

called to George and he came out. Who

14:48

was it? Only fools. He

14:51

brought a letter for you. They're all at

14:53

breakfast still, the sleuths eating kippers.

14:56

I'll hold him for a bit, full of bones.'

14:59

He began to read his letter. He

15:01

gave a kind of grunt of surprise at the first

15:03

paragraph. "'Well, I'm

15:06

hanged,' he said as he finished.

15:09

Reggie, this is a queer thing.'

15:12

"'What's that?' He handed

15:14

me the letter, and directly I started

15:16

in on it I saw why he had

15:18

grunted. This is how it ran.

15:21

"'My dear George, I shall

15:23

be seeing you tomorrow, I hope, but

15:25

I think it is better before we meet

15:27

to prepare you for a curious situation

15:29

that is a reason in connection with

15:32

the legacy which your father inherited from

15:34

your aunt Emily, and which

15:36

you are expecting me, his trustee, to

15:38

hand over to you now that you

15:40

have reached your twenty-fifth birthday. You

15:43

have doubtless heard your father speak of

15:45

your twin brother Alfred, who was

15:47

lost or kidnapped, which was

15:49

never ascertained, when you were both

15:51

babies. When no news was

15:53

received of him for so many years, it was supposed

15:55

that he was dead. Yesterday,

15:58

however, I received A letter from the. That have

16:00

a voting that he has been living all this

16:02

time and when a series. Of the

16:04

adopted son of a wealthy South American. I'm.

16:07

Is only recently discovered his identity.

16:10

He states that he is on his way to meet me

16:12

and will arrive in a day now. Of

16:14

course, like all claim on, he may prove to

16:16

be an impostor. But. Meanwhile, his

16:18

intervention will I fear. Cause.

16:21

A certain delay before I come and

16:23

over your money? Do you. It'll.

16:25

Be necessary to go through a

16:27

thorough examination of credentials, etc. And

16:30

this will take some time. But

16:32

I will go fully into the matter with you when

16:34

we meet. Your. Affection A Dunkel.

16:36

Augustus. Ah, but. I

16:40

read through to. And

16:42

the second time. I had one

16:44

of those ideas I do sometimes get. There.

16:47

Would merely a champ of the premier class. I.

16:49

Seldom had such a thoroughly corking

16:52

brain wave. What? I

16:54

held top I said. This lets

16:56

you out. This. The

16:58

out of half the darned money As as would you mean.

17:01

For. This Just not an impostor, and there's

17:03

no earthly reason to suppose he is. That.

17:05

I've never heard my father say a word about him.

17:08

We. Shall have to split the money. On

17:11

families will left the money to my father. Or.

17:13

Failing him. His offspring. I

17:16

thought that meant to me, but apparently there are

17:18

a crowd of us. A call

17:20

it rough work, springing unexpected offspring on

17:22

a cell of the eleventh hour like

17:24

this. Why? You chump. I

17:26

said it's going to save you.

17:29

This. Lets you out of your

17:31

spectacular-across the Frontier. All. You've

17:34

got to do is to stay

17:36

here and be your brother. Oh

17:38

said. It came to me and offense. He

17:41

looked at me and and days kind of way.

17:44

You. Ought to be in some sort of a

17:46

home reggie. As I tried

17:48

to to understand, have you ever

17:51

third of twin brothers who weren't

17:53

exactly alike. Who's. To say

17:55

you aren't Aussi this you swear you

17:57

are. Your. uncle will be there the

18:00

back you up that you have a brother, Alfred."

18:03

And Alfred would be there to call me a

18:05

liar. He won't. It's not as if you had

18:07

to keep it up for the rest of your life. It's

18:09

only for an hour or two, till

18:11

we can get this detective off the yacht. We

18:14

sail for England tomorrow morning." At

18:17

last the thing seemed to sink into him, his

18:20

face brightened. "'Why, I

18:23

really do believe it would work,' he said. "'Of

18:25

course it would work. If they

18:28

want proof, show them your mole.

18:30

I'll swear George hadn't one.' "'And

18:32

as Alfred, I should get a chance of

18:35

talking to Stella and making things all right

18:37

for George. Reggie, old top, you're

18:39

a genius. No, no, you

18:41

are. Sail it. Only sometimes

18:43

I can't keep it up.' And

18:45

just then there was a gentle

18:48

cough behind us. We spun

18:50

around. "'What the devil are

18:52

you doing here, fools?' I said. "'I

18:54

beg your pardon, sir. I have

18:56

heard all.' I

18:59

looked at George. George looked at me. "'Fools

19:02

is all right,' I said. "'Decent fools.

19:06

Rules wouldn't give us away, would you, fools?' "'Yes,

19:08

sir.' "'You would?' "'Yes,

19:10

sir.' "'But rules, old man,'

19:12

I said. "'Be sensible. What would

19:14

you gain by it?' "'Financially,

19:17

sir. Nothing.'

19:19

Whereas by keeping quiet," I

19:21

tapped him on the chest, "'by holding

19:24

your tongue, fools. By

19:26

saying nothing about it to anybody, fools,

19:28

old fellow, you might gain

19:31

a considerable sum.' "'Am

19:33

I to understand, sir, that because

19:35

you are rich and I am poor, you

19:38

think that you can buy my

19:40

self-respect?' "'Oh, come,' I said. "'How much?' said

19:43

rules. So

19:46

we switched to terms. You

19:48

wouldn't believe the way the man haggled. You'd

19:50

have thought a decent faithful servant would have

19:52

been delighted to oblige one in a little

19:54

matter like that for a fiver. But

19:57

not rules, by no means. He

19:59

Was a hunter.' The down and the promise of another

20:01

one hundred we had got safely away before

20:04

he was satisfied. But. We

20:06

six to.the Blast. And. For George

20:08

got down to his stateroom and

20:10

saints disclose. It hardly

20:12

gone when the breakfast party came on dec. Did

20:15

you meet him I asked me to

20:17

whom. Said. Old Marshall Georges

20:19

twin brother Alfred. I

20:21

didn't know George had a brother. Nor.

20:24

Did he till yesterday? It's a long

20:26

story. he was kidnapped in infancy and

20:28

everyone thought he was dead. George

20:30

have a letter from his uncle about him yesterday.

20:33

I shouldn't wonder if that's where George has

20:35

gone to the his uncle and find out

20:37

about his. In the meantime Alfred his arrived

20:39

he's down in Georgia State Room now having

20:41

a brush up. In. The maze you

20:44

the likeness between them. You think it is

20:46

George at first look. Here he

20:48

comes. And up

20:50

came George. Trust and clean in

20:52

an ordinary the offing suit. They.

20:55

Were rattled. There was no doubt

20:57

about that. They. Stood looking at him

20:59

as if they thought there was a

21:01

cat's somewhere. But. Weren't quite certain

21:04

where it was? I. Introduced him

21:06

and still they looked self. Mister.

21:09

Pepper tells me my brother is not on

21:11

board. Said. George. It's

21:13

an amazing likeness. Said.

21:15

Old Marshall. Is my brother

21:17

like me? Ask George

21:20

amiably, No. One could tell you

21:22

apart I said. I suppose. Twins

21:24

always all alike. Said. George.

21:27

But. If it ever came to a question of identification,

21:29

There. Would be one way of distinguishing us. Do.

21:32

You know George well. Mister Pepper. He's

21:34

a two year old style of mine. You.

21:37

Been swimming with him perhaps everyday

21:39

last August. Though. Then. You'd.

21:41

Have noticed it if he had had a mole like this

21:44

on the back of his neck, wouldn't you? He.

21:46

Turned his back and stooped and showed them

21:49

on. His color hinted at

21:51

ordinary times. I had seen it often

21:53

when we were bathing together. As

21:56

george know like that. He. Asked

21:58

know I said oh no. He.

22:00

Would have noticed it in the yard. Yes

22:03

I said oh yes. I'm glad of

22:05

that. Said. George. You'd.

22:07

Be a nuisance not to be able to prove one's

22:09

own identity. That. Seems

22:11

to satisfy them or. They.

22:13

Couldn't get away from it. It. Seems to

22:15

me that from now on, the thing with a

22:17

walkover. And I think George felt the

22:19

same. For. When Old Marshall asked him

22:21

if he had had breakfast, he said he had

22:24

not, went below and pitched in as if he

22:26

hadn't a care in the world. Everything

22:29

went right to lunchtime. Jawed,

22:31

Sat in the shade on the for deck talking

22:33

to Stella most of the time. When.

22:35

The gong went and the rest and started to

22:37

go below. He drew me back. He.

22:39

Was beaming. It's. All

22:42

right, He said. What? Did

22:44

I tell you? What did you tell

22:46

me? About stellar. Didn't.

22:48

I say that Alfred would fix things

22:50

for George. I told her she looked

22:52

worried. And. Got had to tell me

22:55

what the problem was and then. You.

22:57

Must have shown a flash of speed if

22:59

you got to confide in you after knowing

23:01

you for about two hours. Clumps.

23:03

I did. Said. George modestly.

23:07

I had no notion. Till. I became

23:09

him with a persuasive sort of chap

23:11

my brother, Alfred last. Anyway,

23:13

She told me all about his. And I

23:16

started in the show her the George was a pretty

23:18

good sort of fellow on the whole. Who.

23:20

Opened to be turned down.

23:22

Thought was evidently merely temporary

23:24

insanity. She. Saw my point.

23:27

And it's all right, Absolutely.

23:30

If. Only we can produce to watch.

23:32

How. Much longer does that infernal sleuth intend

23:34

to stay here? He. Seems to have

23:36

taken root. I fancy He thinks you're

23:39

bound to come back sooner or later and is

23:41

waiting for you. Is. An

23:43

absolute nuisance, said jones. We.

23:46

Were moving towards the companion way. To.

23:48

Go below for lunch when a boat

23:50

failed us. We. Went to the

23:52

side and looked over. It's. My

23:55

uncle. Said. George. a

23:57

stout man came up the gangway Hello,

24:00

George," he said. "'Get my

24:02

letter.'" "'I think you are

24:04

mistaking me for my brother,' said George. "'My

24:07

name is Alfred Latica.'" "'What's

24:09

that?'" "'I am George's brother,

24:11

Alfred. Are you my uncle Augustus?'"

24:15

The stout man stared at him. "'You're

24:17

very like George,' he said. "'So

24:20

everyone tells me.' "'And you're

24:22

really Alfred?' "'I am. "'I'd

24:25

like to talk business with you for a moment.' He

24:28

cocked his eye at me. I sidled

24:31

off and went below. At

24:33

the foot of the companion steps I met Vules. "'I

24:36

beg your pardon, sir,' said Vules.

24:39

"'If it would be convenient, I should be glad

24:41

to have the afternoon off.' "'I

24:44

am bound to say I rather liked his manner. Absolutely

24:47

normal, not at the place of the

24:49

fellow-conspirator about it. I gave him

24:51

the afternoon off. I

24:53

had lunch. George didn't show

24:55

up. As I was going out, I

24:58

was waylaid by the girl, Pilbeam. She

25:00

had been crying. "'I beg your pardon, sir.

25:03

But did Mr. Vules ask you for

25:05

the afternoon?' I

25:07

didn't see what business it was of hers, but

25:09

she seemed all worked up about it, so I told

25:11

her. "'Yes, I have given

25:14

him the afternoon off.' She

25:16

broke down, absolutely collapsed. Divalish

25:19

unpleasant it was. I am hopeless

25:21

in a situation like this. For

25:24

I had said, they're there, which didn't seem

25:26

to help much. I hadn't any remarks to

25:28

make. "'He said he was

25:30

going to the tables to gamble

25:32

away all his savings and then

25:34

shoot himself because he had

25:36

nothing left to live for.' I

25:40

suddenly remembered the scrap in the small hours

25:42

outside my stateroom door. I

25:44

hate mysteries. I meant to get to the

25:46

bottom of this. I couldn't have

25:48

a really first-class valet like Vules going

25:50

about the place shooting himself up. Evidently

25:53

the girl Pilby was at the bottom of the thing.

25:56

I questioned her. She

25:58

sobbed. questioned her

26:00

more, I was firm, and eventually she

26:02

yielded up the facts. Vules

26:05

had seen George kiss her the night

26:07

before. That was the

26:09

trouble. Things began

26:11

to piece themselves together. I went

26:13

up to interview George. There was going

26:15

to be another job for persuasive Alfred. Vules's

26:19

mind had got to be eased as stellar as it had

26:21

been. I couldn't afford to lose

26:23

a fellow with his genius for preserving at

26:25

Trouser Crease. I found George

26:27

on the foredeck. What is

26:29

it Shakespeare or somebody says about some fellow's

26:32

face being sickly dore with a pale cast

26:34

of care? George's was

26:36

like that. He looked green. Finished

26:38

with your uncle? I said. He

26:41

grinned ghostly grin. There

26:44

isn't any uncle, he said. There

26:47

isn't any Alfred, and there isn't

26:49

any money. Explain

26:51

yourself, old top, I said. It

26:53

won't take long. The old

26:55

crook has spent every penny of the trust money.

26:58

He's been at it for years, ever since I was

27:00

a kid. When the time came

27:02

to cough up, and I was due to see

27:04

that he did it, he went to the

27:06

tables in the hope of a run of luck, and

27:09

lost the last remnant of the stuff. He

27:12

had to find a way of holding me for

27:14

a while and postponing the squaring of accounts

27:16

while he got away, and he invented this

27:19

twin brother business. He

27:21

knew I should find out sooner or later, but

27:23

meanwhile he would be able to get off to

27:26

South America, which he has done. He's

27:28

on his way now. You let

27:30

him go? What could I do? I

27:33

can't afford to make a fuss with that man's

27:35

sturges around. I can't prove there's

27:37

no Alfred when my only chance of avoiding

27:39

prison is to be Alfred. Well,

27:42

you've made things right for yourself

27:45

with Stella Vandalay, anyway, I said,

27:47

trying to cheer him up. What's

27:49

the good of that now? I've

27:52

hardly any money and no prospects.

27:54

How can I marry her? I

27:57

pondered. It looks to me a lot

27:59

like a man. old top," I said at last, as

28:02

if things were in a bit of a mess. You've

28:05

guessed it," said poor old George.

28:09

I spent the afternoon musing on life.

28:12

If you come to think of it, what a queer

28:14

thing life is! So

28:17

unlike anything else, don't you know if you see what I

28:19

mean? At any moment

28:21

you may be strolling peacefully along and

28:23

all the time life's waiting around the

28:26

corner to fetch you one. You

28:28

can't tell when you may be going to get it. It's

28:31

all dash-puzzling. Here was

28:33

poor old George, as well-meaning a fellow

28:35

has ever stepped, getting swatted all over

28:38

the ring by the hand of fate.

28:40

Why? That's what I asked myself.

28:43

Just life, don't you know? That's

28:46

all there was about it. It

28:49

was close on six o'clock when our third visitor

28:51

of the day arrived. He was

28:53

sitting on the after-deck in the cool of the evening,

28:56

old Marshall, Denim Sturgis, Mrs.

28:59

Vandalay, Stella, George, and I,

29:01

when he came up. We

29:03

had been talking of George, and old

29:06

Marshall was suggesting the advisability of sending

29:08

out search parties. He was worried. So

29:11

was Stella Vandalay. So

29:13

for that matter, were George and I only

29:15

not for the same reason. We

29:17

were just arguing the thing out when the

29:19

visitor appeared. He was a well-built,

29:21

stiff sort of fellow. He spoke with

29:23

a German accent. Mr. Marshall,

29:26

he said, I am Count Fritz

29:28

von Kösling, equity to his

29:30

serene highness. He clicked his

29:33

heels together and saluted, the Prince of

29:35

Saxburg-Lanets. Mrs. Vandalay jumped up.

29:38

Why can't? She

29:41

said, what ages since we met

29:43

in Vienna, you remember? Could

29:45

I ever forget? With a charming

29:47

Miss Stella, she is well, I suppose. Stella,

29:50

you remember Count Fritz? Stella

29:52

shook hands with him. And how is

29:54

the poor dear Prince? Asked

29:57

Mrs. Vandalay, what a terrible thing to

29:59

have happened. I rejoice

30:01

to say that my high-born master is

30:03

better. He has regained consciousness

30:06

and is sitting up and taking nourishment."

30:09

That's good," said Old Marshall.

30:12

"'In a spoon only,' sighed

30:14

the Count. "'Mr. Marshall, with

30:16

your permission, I should like

30:18

a word with Mr. Sturgis.'" "'Mr.

30:21

Who?'" The gimlet-eyed

30:23

sportsman came forward. "'I am

30:26

Denman Sturgis at your service.'" "'The

30:28

juice you are. What are you doing here?' "'Mr.

30:30

Sturgis,' exclaimed the Count, graciously

30:33

volunteered his services. "'I

30:36

know. What was he doing here?' "'I

30:38

am waiting for Mr. George Latica, Mr.

30:40

Marshall.' "'Eh?' "'You

30:42

have not found him?' asked

30:44

the Count anxiously. "'Not

30:47

yet, Count, but I hope to do so

30:49

shortly. I know what he looks like now.

30:52

This gentleman is his twin brother. They are

30:54

doubles.' "'You are sure this

30:56

gentleman is not Mr. George Latica?'"

31:00

George put his foot down firmly on the suggestion.

31:02

"'Don't go mixing me up with my brother,'

31:05

he said. "'I am Alfred. You

31:07

can tell me by my mole.' He

31:10

exhibited the mole. He was taking no risks. The

31:13

Count clicked his tongue regretfully. "'I

31:16

am sorry,' he said. George

31:19

didn't offer to console him. "'Don't

31:21

worry,' said Sturgis. "'He won't

31:23

escape me. I shall find him. Do,

31:26

Mr. Sturgis do, and quickly find

31:29

swiftly that noble young man.' "'What?'

31:32

shouted George. "'That noble

31:34

young man George Latica, who,

31:37

at the risk of his life,

31:39

saved my high-born master from the

31:41

assassin.' George

31:44

sat down suddenly. "'I

31:46

don't understand,' he said feebly. "'We

31:50

were wrong, Mr. Sturgis,' went

31:52

on the Count. We leaped

31:54

to the conclusion, was it not so, that

31:57

the owner of the hat you found was

31:59

also the assailant?' of my high-born

32:01

master. We were wrong. I

32:04

have heard the story from his serene

32:06

Highness's own lips. He

32:08

was passing down a dark street when

32:11

a ruffian in a mask sprang out

32:13

upon him. Doubtless he

32:15

had been followed from the casino, where

32:18

he had been winning heavily. My

32:20

high-born master was taken by surprise. He

32:23

was failed. But before

32:25

he lost consciousness he perceived a young

32:27

man in evening dress, wearing

32:29

the hat you found, running swiftly

32:31

towards him. The hero

32:34

engaged his assassin in combat, and

32:36

my high-born master remembers no more.

32:39

His serene Highness asks, repeatedly,

32:41

Where is my brave preserver?

32:44

His gratitude is princely. He

32:46

seeks for this young man to reward him. Ah!

32:50

You should be proud of your brother, sir. Thanks,

32:54

said George, lintly. And

32:56

you, Mr. Sturgis, you must redouble your

32:58

efforts. You must search the lant.

33:01

You must scour the sea to find

33:03

George Latica. He needn't take

33:06

all that trouble, said a voice

33:08

from the gangway. It was fools.

33:11

His face was flushed. His hat was

33:13

on the back of his head, and he was smoking

33:15

a fat cigar. I'll

33:17

tell you where to find George Latica,

33:20

he shouted. He glared

33:22

at George, who was staring at him. Yes,

33:25

look at me, he yelled. Look

33:28

at me! Don't be the

33:30

first this afternoon who stared at

33:32

the mysterious stranger who won

33:34

for two hours without a break. I'll

33:38

be even with you now, Mr. Blumen

33:40

Latica. I'll learn you to

33:42

break a poor man's heart, Mr.

33:44

Marshall and Gents. This

33:46

morning I was on deck, and

33:49

I overheard him plotting to put up a

33:51

game on you. They'd

33:53

spotted that gent there as a detective,

33:56

and they'd arranged that Blumen Latica

33:58

was to pass himself. off

34:00

is his own twin brother, and

34:02

if he wanted proof, Bloomin' Pepper

34:04

tells him to show them his

34:06

mole, and he'd swear George hadn't

34:08

one. Those were his very

34:11

words. That man

34:13

there is George Latica Esquire,

34:16

and let him deny it if he

34:18

can." George

34:20

got up. I haven't the least

34:22

desire to deny it, Vools. Mr.

34:25

Vools, if you please."

34:28

"'It's true,' said George, turning to

34:30

the Count. "'The fact is I

34:32

had a rather foggy recollection of what happened last

34:34

night. I only remembered knocking

34:36

someone down, and like you, I

34:39

jumped to the conclusion that I must have assaulted

34:41

his serene highness.' "'Then you

34:43

are really George Latica?' asked

34:46

the Count. "'I am.' "'Eh,

34:48

what does all this mean?' demanded

34:50

Vools. "'Meearly that

34:53

I saved the life of his

34:55

serene highness, the Prince of Saxburg-Blign,

34:57

yet, Mr. Vool.' "'It's

34:59

a swindle,' began Vools, when

35:01

there was a sudden rush, and the girl

35:03

pill-beamed canoned into the crowd, sending

35:05

me into old Marshall's chair, and

35:08

flung herself into the arms of

35:10

Vools.' "'Oh, Harold!' she cried. "'I

35:12

thought you were dead. I thought you'd

35:14

shot yourself.' "'He sort

35:16

of braced himself together to fling her off,

35:19

and then he seemed to think better of it, and

35:21

fell into the clinch. "'It was

35:23

all dash romantic, don't you know, but there are

35:25

limits.' "'Vools, you are

35:28

sacked,' I said. "'Who cares?'

35:30

he said. "'I think I was

35:32

going to stop on. Now I'm a gentleman of property.

35:35

"'Come along, Emma, my dear. "'Give

35:37

a month's notice and get your hat, and

35:39

I'll take you to dinner at Cirros.' "'And

35:42

you, Mr. Latica,' said the

35:44

Count. "'May I conduct you to

35:46

the presence of my highborn master?' "'He

35:49

wishes to show his gratitude to his

35:51

preserver.' "'You may,' said

35:54

George. "'May I have my

35:56

hat, Mr. Sturgis?' "'There's

35:59

just one bit of it.' more. After dinner

36:01

that night I came up for a smoke, and

36:03

strolling on to the foredeck, almost

36:05

bumped into George and Stella. They

36:08

seemed to be having an argument. "'I'm

36:10

not sure,' she was saying,

36:12

"'that I believe that a man can be so

36:14

happy that he wants to kiss the nearest thing in

36:16

sight as you put it.' "'Don't

36:19

you?' said George. "'Well,

36:21

as it happens, I'm feeling just

36:23

that way now.' I

36:26

coughed and he turned round. "'Hello,

36:28

Reggie,' he said. "'Hello, George,'

36:30

I said. "'Lovely night.' "'Beautiful,'

36:34

said Stella. "'The moon,' I said.

36:37

"'Ripping,' said George. "'Lovely,'

36:39

said Stella. "'And look at the reflection

36:41

of the stars on the—" George

36:44

caught my eye. "'Pop off,' he

36:46

said. I popped."

37:17

Carry On Jeeves, another series of

37:19

short stories by P.G. Woodhouse. Available

37:22

for free in your podcast feed.

37:25

Thank you for joining me today and

37:27

allowing classic literature to awaken your better

37:29

self. Please join me

37:31

next time and we'll rediscover the

37:33

greatest stories ever put to paper. Thank

37:48

you. This

38:00

Fort Wayne Philharmonic season is bigger, bolder

38:02

and beyond. Join us on Saturday,

38:04

March 23rd at our performance hall at

38:06

PFW Music Center as we welcome pianist

38:09

and crooner extraordinaire Tony Deser for Sinatra

38:11

and Beyond. Caleb Young conducts the Fort

38:13

Wayne Philharmonic as Mr. Deser brings

38:15

his infectious versions of Sinatra standards and

38:18

more. Come fly with us for a

38:20

swing through America's songbook with two

38:22

performances on March 23rd. Sinatra

38:25

and Beyond with Tony Deser. For

38:27

tickets go to fwphil.org.