8:00

My stupid people, when I

8:02

wanted to refute it, they said, sir, don't

8:05

dignify it with a refuddle. Refute

8:08

it or a

8:10

refuddle. What

8:12

the hell word would that be? Refuddle? What?

8:15

They'll say, he didn't know, refuddle or refoodle, but they

8:17

don't know either. It's neither. It's

8:21

neither of those words. What

8:24

do you mean they don't know? No, I don't

8:26

know what fake word you're trying to say. This

8:30

dude's entire brain is just squiggly

8:32

red spellcheck lines, and

8:35

then his mouth always tries to refuddle

8:37

every thought he has. That's

8:40

the big difference between Biden and Trump.

8:42

When they make a mistake, Biden will

8:44

correct himself, whereas Trump will deflect and

8:46

call everyone else an idiot, which to

8:48

be honest is more relatable. It's

8:51

like when I get too drunk and then I accuse

8:53

everyone else of being drunk instead of just focusing on

8:56

the road. Thank

9:01

you for laughing. On one hand, Biden's taking

9:03

the whole week to prepare, and on the

9:05

other hand, Trump's raw dog in it. Two

9:07

very different approaches. Which

9:10

one's right? For more on the

9:12

debate over whether to prepare for a debate or

9:14

just to wing it, let's go to Desi Lydic

9:16

and Troy Iwata. Desi,

9:25

you're for preparation. Why is that

9:27

better? Thank you, Michael.

9:31

Preparation is the better approach because it

9:33

gives you the tools you need to

9:35

lay out your position, project confidence, and

9:37

do this thing with your thumb. Because

9:41

as Thomas Edison said, genius is 1%

9:43

inspiration and 99% perspiration. Thank

9:48

you. Any

14:00

diamond necklace, any timepiece, purchase any item value

14:02

to $10,000 or more and receive a

14:05

stunning diamond tennis bracelet at no extra cost.

14:07

Every purchase of $10,000 or more qualifies. So

14:11

hurry into Diamonds Direct, your chance to get a

14:13

free tennis bracelet ends June 30th. Details

14:15

at diamondsdirect.com. During

14:18

the right rug flooring Hello Summer Sale,

14:20

you'll find savings throughout the store, all

14:22

backed by the right price guarantee, including

14:24

carpet with a lifetime stain warranty, only

14:27

$159 installed with pad. That's

14:30

right, $159 includes expert installation

14:32

as soon as tomorrow. Visit

14:34

rightrug.com to find a showroom

14:36

near you or schedule a

14:39

free in-home shopping appointment. Say

14:41

hello to Summer and save.

14:44

Right Rug Flooring, right here, right now.

14:48

How do we do our show? My

14:54

name is John Stewart. Thank you all so very

14:56

much for joining us. We are coming to you

14:58

live. We,

15:05

you may say we

15:07

just watched what you

15:10

watched. We

15:13

just witnessed a debate

15:15

between President Joseph Robinette

15:17

Biden versus former President

15:19

Donald Robinette Trump.

15:23

It was a highly anticipated affair. According

15:25

to the network, that was running it. The

15:28

first Biden Trump debate a little over

15:30

one month away right here on CNN.

15:32

We are less than two weeks away

15:34

from the first presidential debate. Just one

15:36

week from today. Welcome to the first

15:38

work day of the most important week

15:40

of the presidential campaign. Three days and

15:42

counting. Just two days now. About

15:44

30 hour, 30 ish hours. Just

15:47

over 24 hours, 12 and a half hours. Say

15:51

the words. It's debate day in

15:53

America. The

15:58

candidates must have been so excited. I'm excited to

16:00

know that they haven't missed it. I

16:04

imagine old man Biden opening his window

16:06

and shouting at the street below, you

16:08

there, boy, what day is today? Boy,

16:12

it's debate day, sir. Then

16:15

there's still time. Prepare the debate, goos.

16:20

Prior to the event, what did

16:22

the political class believe would be

16:24

the criteria for each

16:26

candidate to be successful in the

16:28

debate? First, Donald Trump. Trump

16:31

has to show that he's not going to

16:33

end democracy. Don't respond in a way that

16:35

the suburban mothers wouldn't like. Don't interrupt Joe

16:37

Biden. Don't take the bait. Don't look like

16:39

a bully. Don't get angry. Portray normalness. Can't

16:45

you just pretend to be normal for 90

16:47

minutes? How

16:49

is that advice for a presidential debate and not what

16:52

you would say to your parents when you bring home

16:54

a date for the first time? Can

16:56

you not talk about January 6th? And

16:58

please don't do your Asian voice.

17:02

I really like this girl. But

17:05

that's Trump. Surely the

17:07

expectations on President Biden will

17:10

be higher. He absolutely

17:12

cannot have a senior moment,

17:14

a physical or verbal stumble,

17:16

him forgetting something. Many of

17:18

his kind of freezing moments say

17:20

alert, to stay engaged and to

17:22

stay awake. President Biden has to show

17:25

that he can stand there for an

17:27

extended period of time. Remain upright. Remain

17:43

upright. To

17:49

be president. You know, I

17:51

may be mistaken, but I believe those

17:53

are the same qualifications that needed

17:55

to be scarecrow. Tonight,

18:00

the president must show the country that

18:03

he can keep our corn safe.

18:11

But then it was time for the actual debate, and

18:13

let's see how it began. Both men

18:16

came out and, oh, yes,

18:18

okay. And then both men

18:20

are ambulatory. They are both

18:22

upright. Level

18:25

one cleared. It's

18:28

going to be an important discussion between two important

18:31

men. What are the rules? You

18:33

want to share the rules of the debate with the audience

18:35

at home. Each candidate will have

18:37

two minutes to answer a question, and

18:39

one minute each for responses and

18:42

rebuttals. What the, you, what

18:44

can you do in two minutes? I can't

18:46

even articulate what's wrong with your entire setup

18:48

to this debate. An ad break to watch

18:50

a Hulu show is three minutes. What

18:52

can you do in two minutes? But all right, well,

18:55

that's going to winnow out anything that might be interesting or

18:57

substance, but let's begin. We know the

18:59

bar that's been set up for each to pass. Biden

19:02

has to not look old and not

19:04

have a senior moment. Go.

19:07

Making sure that we're able to make

19:09

every single solitary person eligible

19:12

for what I've been able to

19:15

do with the COVID, excuse me,

19:17

with dealing with

19:19

everything we have to do with. We

19:26

finally beat Medicare. Thank

19:28

you, President Biden. Need

19:43

to call a real estate agent in New Zealand. Okay.

19:49

High pressure situation. A

19:51

lot of times you can

19:53

confuse saving Medicare with beating

19:56

it. I'm sure it's

19:58

not. something that repeated throughout the debate

20:00

causing Democrats across the country to either

20:02

jump out of windows or vomit silently

20:04

into the nearest recycling bin. Anybody

20:08

can f*** talking. How

20:15

did Biden do not talking? How

20:18

close the police are to almost every police

20:20

group in the nation from every state and

20:22

everybody wanted to get it back to the

20:25

states. Everybody and China, nothing and Russia, nothing

20:27

and India, nothing. I will have that reporter

20:29

out. He should have had him out a

20:31

long time ago because I didn't have legislation.

20:34

I said close the border. We have the

20:36

safest border in history. Not

20:50

great. But

20:53

a lot of

20:55

people have resting 25th

20:58

amendment face. I'm

21:10

not a political expert. But

21:13

while Biden was preparing at Camp David

21:16

for a week, did

21:18

anyone mention he would also be

21:20

on camera? On the split screen,

21:22

is there any moment here that

21:24

can save Biden? This

21:27

is the first presidential election since

21:29

the Supreme Court overturned Roe v.

21:31

Wade. Oh, shit,

21:33

we're back, baby. Abortion,

21:37

A to the B to the

21:39

O to the R to the

21:41

D to the repeal of Roe

21:43

v. Wade. That is Trump's weakest

21:45

issue. It's been a

21:47

great thing. Oh, he is

21:50

f***ing. He is f***ing.

21:53

It's a great thing.

21:55

Hit him, Joey. It's

21:58

been a terrible thing. What you done? It's

22:01

up there! This is awesome! We

22:05

are done here! TKL! No,

22:08

no, Joe, Joe, Joe, don't say anything else!

22:10

Joey! The idea that states are able to

22:12

do this is a little like saying, we're

22:14

gonna turn civil rights back to the states,

22:16

let each state have a different rule. Look,

22:19

there's so many young women who have been

22:21

including a young woman who just was murdered,

22:24

and he went to the funeral. The

22:27

idea that she was murdered

22:29

by an immigrant coming

22:31

in to talk about that. Did

22:45

you just immigration abortion? Hey,

22:51

I know abortion is one of our strongest issues, but

22:53

let me for a moment. Talk

22:56

about immigrants killing and raping people. It's

22:58

one of our weakest. Folks,

23:01

I think sportsmanship would insist

23:03

that an opponent not seize

23:06

on opportunities such as this.

23:09

There have been many young women

23:11

murdered by the same people he

23:13

allows to come across our border. So

23:18

how do we do this now? Do I take his car back to

23:20

the White House tonight? I mean, come on. We

23:23

done with this shit? Do I just UPS his stuff?

23:26

I mean, come on. That was crazy what he did just now. So

23:29

Biden perhaps not on top of his game. Maybe

23:32

I will check out this young upstart Donald

23:34

Trump. Obviously the election is

23:36

a binary choice. So let me see what

23:38

this Trump fella is about. As

23:40

we learned earlier, he just had to come

23:42

in there and not be an asshole. He

23:45

doesn't care about our veterans. He doesn't care. He

23:48

doesn't like the military at all. Probably the worst

23:50

administration in history. The worst presidency in the history

23:52

of our country. This shouldn't be a debate. He

23:54

is the worst president. I really don't know what

23:56

he said at the end of that sentence. I

23:58

don't think he knows what he said. He challenged

24:00

me to a golf match. He can't hit a

24:02

ball 50 yards. Does

24:09

not appear to have passed the asshole

24:12

test. See

24:15

me after debate. All

24:18

right, Trumper, what do you got on substance?

24:21

We had the greatest economy in the history of

24:23

our country. A lot of credit for the military

24:25

and no wars and so many other things. Everything

24:28

was rocking good. But the thing we never got the

24:30

credit for and we should have is getting us out

24:33

of that COVID mess. He

24:35

allowed millions of people to come in

24:37

here from prisons, jails and mental institutions.

24:39

The only jobs he created are for

24:41

illegal immigrants. We had the lowest

24:43

taxes ever. I didn't have sex with a porn

24:45

star. She

24:59

was a porn character actor

25:01

at best. I'm

25:05

not saying she couldn't open a movie. So

25:10

just so we're all clear, everything

25:13

that Donald Trump said in that clip

25:17

is a lie. Blatant

25:20

and full. And we

25:22

were tight on time putting this all

25:24

together. There's plenty more. Really

25:28

makes you wonder, what's RFK Jr.

25:30

doing tonight? Maybe he's got some... Wait, what's

25:32

that? I'm sorry. Oh,

25:35

vaccines. No,

25:38

I see. But yeah, sure, there's side

25:40

effects to all of them. Okay.

25:43

And a worm where? Okay, fair

25:45

enough. He's Vice President, Joe running,

25:47

they donated... Okay, anyway.

25:52

There was, of course, a moment where I kind of

25:54

thought we were getting substantive. I

25:57

was recently in... France

26:00

for D-Day and I

26:02

spoke all about those heroes that died. I

26:04

went to the World War II cemetery, World

26:06

War I cemetery he refused to go to.

26:09

He was standing with his four-star general

26:11

and he told me, he said, I don't want

26:13

to go in there because they're bunch of losers

26:15

and suckers. My son was not a loser, was

26:17

not a sucker. You're the sucker. You're the loser.

26:27

Shit just got real. First

26:31

of all that was a made-up quote. A

26:36

made-up quote which I think in Trump land means that's

26:38

a real quote. This

26:43

is about our nation's veterans, foreign policy. This

26:45

is important to Biden. Come on

26:47

brother. Four-star general

26:49

standing to your side was on your staff

26:51

who said you said it period. We've

26:54

done more for veterans than any president has in

26:56

American history. The only sacred obligation we have as

26:58

a country is to care for our veterans when

27:00

they come home and their families and equip them

27:03

when they go to war. That's what we're doing.

27:05

That's what the VA is doing now. They're doing

27:07

more for veterans than ever before in our history.

27:10

Alright thank you so much. Let's move to the topic

27:12

of foreign policy. Wait what? Move

27:14

on? No we don't move. Stay on that

27:16

topic not move on. No don't

27:18

go moving on. Who came up with

27:20

these dumb ass goals and why would any

27:23

of these people agree to them? The

27:25

one thing that we did prove

27:27

tonight is that the MAGA conspiracy

27:29

theory about Biden's upcoming debate performance

27:32

was nonsense. A little

27:34

before debate time he gets a shot

27:36

in the ass. They are giving the

27:39

president some sort of a stimulant, an

27:41

ADD drug, Adderall, Ritalin. New drugs that

27:43

are out there. They are specifically for

27:45

Alzheimer's or Parkinson's. A lot of caffeine

27:47

pills. V12. Debate Diagra. Well certainly there

27:50

are drugs that can be used to

27:53

energize a person in that state. I

28:02

apologize for how

28:05

fast I'm talking now. I'm

28:10

on those drugs. Let

28:23

me just say after watching tonight's

28:26

debate, both

28:35

of these men should

28:38

be using

28:40

performance enhancing

28:42

drugs. As

28:46

much of it as they can get as

28:49

many times a day as their bodies will

28:51

allow. If performance

28:53

enhancing drugs will improve their

28:55

lucidity, their ability to solve

28:58

problems, and in one of

29:00

the candidates cases, improve their

29:03

truthfulness, morality, and malignant narcissism,

29:05

then suppository away. Guess

29:07

what, everybody? They should be taken

29:10

whatever magical drugs can kick their

29:12

brains into gear. Because this ain't

29:14

Olympic swimming. You know what I'm

29:17

saying? Oh, he solved the Middle

29:19

East, but he was doping so

29:21

it doesn't count. There's

29:24

going to be an asterisk next to

29:26

his presidency. And

29:28

by the way, if those drugs

29:31

don't exist, if there aren't actually

29:33

performance enhancing drugs for these candidates,

29:35

I could sure use

29:38

some recreational ones right now.

29:41

Because this cannot

29:43

be real life. It

29:46

just can't. We're

29:50

America. God. Explore

29:53

more shows from the Daily Show podcast

29:55

universe by searching the Daily Show wherever

29:58

you get your podcasts. The

30:00

Daily Show weeknights at 11 10 central

30:02

on Comedy Central and stream full episodes

30:04

anytime on Paramount Plus. Paramount

30:12

podcasts. Sound

30:16

is personal, intimate and emotive. Just

30:18

like this podcast. We

30:21

are audio stack.ai we combine

30:23

AI writing the best synthetic

30:25

voices like ours with production

30:27

like music and mastering and

30:30

deliver them to be heard. Be it

30:32

ads, podcasts or VOs for video. Just

30:34

like this ad you're listening to right

30:36

now. However, we have millions of spots

30:38

just like this on podcasts. And rather

30:40

than hearing from us, we want to

30:43

hear from you. How would

30:45

you like to win an AI

30:47

audio campaign for free? Do

30:50

you work with businesses, products, events or

30:52

causes that could benefit from free promotion

30:55

on podcasts in the coming month? Tell

30:57

us how you might use synthetic voices

31:00

or dynamically change ads for a

31:02

comedy podcast like this versus history

31:05

science or music. Go

31:07

to audio stack.ai/contest and your

31:09

company could be heard by

31:11

millions see web page for

31:13

teas and sees. Did somebody say free

31:15

time and bracelet? That's right. Diamonds Direct

31:17

is expanding about their best offer yet

31:19

make any purchase this month and receive

31:21

a free time and tennis bracelet valued

31:23

at $2,000. That's right.

31:26

Any engagement ring, any diamond necklace, any

31:28

time piece purchase any item valued at

31:30

$10,000 or more and receive a stunning

31:32

diamond tennis bracelet at no extra cost.

31:35

Every purchase of $10,000 or more qualifies.

31:37

So hurry into Diamonds Direct, your chance

31:39

to get a free tennis bracelet ends

31:41

June 30th. Details at diamonds direct.com