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Let's create. Texting

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listening to Comedy Central. From

1:02

the most trusted journalists at Comedy

1:04

Central, it's America's only source for

1:07

news. This is The Daily

1:09

Show with your hosts,

1:11

Desi Lydic and Ronny Chieng.

1:14

Welcome to The Daily Show. I'm

1:29

Desi Lydic. And I'm Ronny Chieng. And I'm Desi

1:32

Lydic. And I'm Ronny Chieng. And I'm Desi Lydic.

1:34

And I'm Ronny Chieng. And I'm Ronny Chieng. And

1:36

I'm Desi Lydic. Let's get into the headlines. That

1:44

skips off some major international news. You know when

1:47

you're in middle school and your two worst enemies

1:49

have a sleepover and spend the whole night talking

1:51

shit about you? Well that

1:53

just happened to America. Tonight, two

1:55

of America's fiercest adversaries together

1:58

on North Korean soil. that

8:00

these Louisian republicans want everybody to live

8:02

by, just like their party does. Yeah.

8:05

Right. Right. So they

8:07

live up to these same moral standards? Yeah,

8:10

of course. It's not that

8:12

hard. Like, you know, thou shalt not

8:14

kill. Right? Pretty cut and dry.

8:16

Don't kill anybody. Unless you're standing

8:18

on your ground, you gotta protect yourself. Or if

8:22

a protester's blocking traffic, I got places I gotta,

8:24

you know what? Let's forget

8:26

about this one. It's complicated, so. But

8:30

look, the rest of these,

8:32

the rest of these are clear cut. Sure,

8:34

sure. Like, thou shalt not commit adultery.

8:37

Yes. Well, obviously

8:39

not if it's a porn

8:41

star and your wife is pregnant. I mean, God

8:43

is going to give you that one. But fine.

8:46

Desi, if you're going to nitpick, let's

8:48

cross out, commit

8:51

adultery. All right? And if you're going to have to,

8:53

if you're going to commit adultery, you also have to

8:55

lie about it. So you can't do false witness either.

8:59

False witness, Ronnie. That's just Bible talk for

9:01

lying to your wife. But the

9:03

rest of these are rock solid. All right? And

9:06

that's why he put them on a

9:08

rock. Like, number five, OK? Honor thy

9:10

father and mother. You can't get more

9:12

moral than that. Oh, like

9:14

giving parents maternity leave and universal child

9:16

care. What? No, no, no, no.

9:18

Not honoring them like that. Honoring them like

9:21

texting them at 11.55 PM on Father's Day. You

9:24

know what? Let's forget it. There's too much confusion. Let's

9:26

just cross off number five. All

9:29

right? And while we're at it, I don't

9:31

even know what graven image means. So that

9:33

one's gone. Don't say the Lord's

9:36

name in vain. I mean, that's just

9:38

cancel culture, right? So just cancel. Oh,

9:40

here we go. Here we go. Look,

9:42

remember the Sabbath's day and keep it

9:45

holy. We should all take Sundays off.

9:47

There we go. Order some Grubhub. Watch the NFL.

9:50

Yeah, but delivery drivers can't work on

9:52

Sundays either, right? Yeah, and I guess no

9:55

football because you can't play games on Sunday. All

9:58

right, look, let's just cut all the chaff out of here. Here,

10:00

okay, all right. None of this

10:02

needs, okay, there we go. There it is,

10:04

boom, perfect. Yeah, but all

10:06

you have left is the vow. Yeah,

10:08

exactly. This was a

10:11

nation founded on individual

10:13

determination, putting thou self

10:15

first is the American way. Yeah.

10:19

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

10:22

Yeah. Do you,

10:24

do you kids even know what thou

10:26

means? Well, we're gonna teach him. And

10:28

if there's one thing Republicans support, it's

10:30

teaching kids new pronouns. Oh shit, wait

10:32

a second. I can't do that, I

10:35

can't do that. Yeah, yeah, Michael Costa

10:37

everybody. They'll figure it out. When

10:40

we come back, Jordan Pfeffer checked out

10:42

the latest Trump rally, so go for it. Yeah.

10:45

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

10:48

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Texting

10:53

between two different kinds of phones

10:55

makes photos blurry. Likes messy and

10:58

security risky. Not just that, it

11:00

also makes sharing photos or even

11:02

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Welcome back. to

12:00

the Daily Show. Donald Trump is fresh

12:02

off his felony convictions and back on

12:04

the campaign trail and that means Jordan

12:07

Klepper is out there with him too

12:09

in another edition of Jordan Klepper Fingers

12:11

the Pulse. Donald

12:19

Trump has a big month ahead.

12:21

A debate, an immunity ruling, sentencing

12:23

and a convention in the horrible

12:26

city of Milwaukee. His words, not

12:28

mine. So I went to

12:30

my first rally since he became a convicted

12:32

felon in the good old battleground state of

12:34

Wisconsin and as usual, MAGA WOULD

12:36

GUN A MAGA. Make America

12:38

great again. I need

12:41

to make some money. You got a truck you

12:43

want to show me? Yeah I do. I wish the

12:45

world a better place because I was here. Jesus Christ,

12:48

President Trump. Same fun too.

12:50

Okay, Chad are you at all worried about that whole

12:53

worshipping false idols thing? Not at all.

12:55

What do you think about the upcoming debate? I've

12:58

heard that, you know, people say Biden won't show

13:01

up. Do you think Trump is going to show

13:03

up? Oh absolutely. Yeah

13:05

yeah, he, I think he's going to show up.

13:08

He's not afraid to debate anybody. Oh no, no

13:10

no no. I mean except for Nikki Haley. Of

13:14

course there's one thing still on

13:16

everyone's mind. Trump's recent felony conviction

13:18

in New York for falsifying business

13:20

records. People are talking about what

13:23

happened with Donald Trump's conviction

13:25

recently. F*** that. Totally.

13:28

Bullshit. All 34 of

13:30

them. It's a f***ing mess. Get

13:32

rid of it. Why is it

13:34

a f***ing mess? It's a f***ing mess

13:37

because he didn't do anything wrong. Who's

13:39

he cheating? I mean other than his wife.

13:42

I'm not getting into that. It's unjustable.

13:45

It's not fair. It only

13:47

takes one crime to send you to jail or prison.

13:49

Isn't that the truth? If

13:52

suddenly America's the land where you commit a crime and you go to

13:54

prison, are you f***ing kidding me? That

13:56

was a kangaroo trial. This is

13:58

absolute style. So do you have

14:01

faith in the Department of Justice? No. Now

14:03

there's the Hunter Biden

14:05

trial. What did you think? Hunter Biden was found

14:07

guilty. Yes. What do you think

14:10

of that? Well, that was the evidence was overwhelming. You

14:12

take the evidence, you put it through the justice system

14:14

and he's found guilty? We should accept that. Yes.

14:17

Wait a minute, hold on. But I thought the justice system

14:19

was rigged. We shouldn't trust it. It

14:22

wasn't taking place in a community that

14:24

voted. But the judge was a Trump

14:27

appointed judge. Was he?

14:29

Yeah. What do you think of the

14:31

whole Hunter Biden situation? Are you really? Hunter

14:33

Biden is found guilty. Yeah, but they're not going to

14:35

do anything to. Why not? You

14:37

can sit around, dump a pistol in the garbage,

14:39

smoke crack. You get away with all

14:41

that shit. But it sounds like he was convicted.

14:43

Yeah. So is that the justice system working? I don't

14:45

know. Justice system won't work

14:48

until I put away. Which are

14:50

we talking about? Trump. Trump,

14:52

100%. When Trump put away the

14:54

justice system. No, no, no. Come

14:56

on. Sorry. I'm trying to

14:58

keep Christ, dude. Which part of the justice system

15:00

do we totally implicitly trust? To which one is a

15:02

total sham? It's hard to keep

15:04

them straight. But did this conviction dole out

15:06

justice or just create a martyr? There's

15:09

a classic cartoon that shows other convicted

15:11

felons. There's Gandhi, there's

15:14

Nelson Mandela, and then there's Trump. You

15:16

put Trump in line with Gandhi and

15:18

Nelson Mandela? Yeah. Between Gandhi,

15:21

Mandela, and Trump, which was the one who had

15:23

sex with a porn star and then paid to cover that? No. No.

15:28

None of the above. But

15:30

one of the above. And

15:34

one of them recently made bank off

15:36

his crush with the law. Spoiler alert,

15:38

it wasn't Gandhi. So the conviction

15:41

helped Donald Trump. Well everyone's

15:43

pouring in money to support him. So, and

15:45

I know I've done that a couple times.

15:48

Trump goes to trial for sexual assault. How much are

15:50

you given? What is that? Is that

15:52

it? Oh, probably $1,000. $1,000

15:54

for that? Okay, classified docs. Another $1,000.

15:57

Okay, so $1,000 across the board? Yes. Okay,

15:59

overthrow. democracy that biggie is that

16:01

is that a 2 grand? That's

16:04

probably five grand. Wow okay. Basically we just need

16:06

to save our country from the border surge. Right

16:08

right right. You don't need to be shelling out

16:10

money to give immigrants who don't deserve it. You're

16:12

sick and tired of your money going to people

16:15

who committed crimes. That's right. Yeah. Did

16:17

you donate? Yes. What about for the sexual assault case?

16:19

Did you get for that? Oh this

16:22

is all just so

16:24

old news you know

16:27

it doesn't affect me. It's old news. Sexually

16:30

assaults, sexual assault. Let's move on

16:32

with the future. Yeah. Yeah. That's

16:34

a laugh. But

16:41

what is slightly less hilarious is

16:43

Trump's second term plan which sounds

16:45

a lot like going after everyone

16:47

who went after him. Based

16:50

on what they've done I would

16:52

have every right to go after them.

16:54

I am your retribution. Donald Trump is

16:56

put into office. Should he

16:58

go after his political opponents? Absolutely.

17:02

Rock their world. F*** him up like

17:04

he f***ers up. Donald Trump if he gets

17:06

into office again should he show any mercy

17:08

to political opponents? I

17:10

don't think so. You should go after them.

17:12

How important is vengeance to you when Trump

17:14

gets into office? It's probably

17:17

third on the list. Okay good.

17:19

So I'm guessing that's between martial law

17:21

and right before fixing toilet pressure. But

17:23

there's a simple reason it's so easy

17:25

for them to give him a pass.

17:28

But I love Trump so you know.

17:30

There you go. It's like if you

17:32

have a child and they pull some

17:34

shenanigans you don't like what they do.

17:36

You love the person but you don't

17:38

necessarily like what they do. The child

17:40

analogy is kind of perfect but to

17:43

be clear we are talking about the person you want to be president.

17:45

I want him to be president. At

17:49

least someone is having a good time. Explore

31:21

more shows from the Daily Show Podcast

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you, get your podcasts. Watch

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the daily show weeknights at 11, 10

31:30

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