0:01

You're listening to Comedy Central. Hi,

0:05

kids, it's me Trevor Noah.

0:08

Listen. I know it's really hard during

0:10

this pandemic to learn anything from

0:12

a TV or a computer. Heck, it's

0:15

hard for adults. A lot of them try

0:17

to learn things online and the next thing you

0:19

know, they're storming the capital. But

0:22

I wanted to help, so I asked the team

0:24

here at the Daily Show to help put

0:26

together a lesson plan for you guys,

0:28

And not just any lesson, but the lessons

0:31

you won't learn in school, but that you

0:33

need to know before life teaches them

0:35

to the hard way. My friends at the show

0:37

agreed to help because they're all under

0:39

contract. So without further ado,

0:42

please enjoy the Daily Shows special

0:44

presentation Remotely Educational.

1:04

Oh hey, kids, welcome to geography

1:07

class. What's the capital of Mozambique.

1:09

I don't know, Google that ship. I

1:11

am going to teach you geography you won't

1:13

learn in school, but need to know. Like

1:16

today's lesson, who hates

1:18

Who? That's something you gotta

1:20

know. If your cab driver serving and

1:22

you can't be talking about that trip you took the Croatia,

1:25

you're gonna get your ass thrown out on the street. So

1:27

I'm gonna tell you who hates who around the globe. But

1:29

I'm not gonna get into why, because I know

1:31

I'll get one little thing wrong and then both of them

1:33

gonna be mad at me, and I don't want Kurtis standing

1:35

my mentions. Yeah,

1:38

they'll go already. Okay,

1:40

let's begin. Chinese and Japanese

1:42

hate each other. Indians and Pakistani's

1:45

can't stand each other. Vietnamese and

1:47

Cambodians do not want to be in

1:49

the same room at all. Turks and Armenians

1:52

hate each other. Turks and Greeks also

1:54

hate each other. Turks and Curves they

1:56

hate each other too. Honestly, Turkey

1:58

is the nini leaks of Europe. They always

2:01

at the center of some ship. You got the Russians

2:03

and the Czechenians. They always arguing. Hungarians

2:06

and Roma dinc and the newer the

2:08

Irish and the British Scots in the

2:11

British English and the Bridge. Honestly,

2:13

that whole island hate itself. Ghana

2:16

and Nigeria. Now, from what I understand

2:18

about this beast, this one is mostly

2:20

about rice. So here's the thing. Nigerians

2:23

think. Ghanian rice tastes like concrete, and Ghanians

2:26

think Nigerian rice is a bigger

2:28

international crime than their email

2:30

scams. Fortunately, centuries

2:32

of colonialism have made both countries too

2:35

poor to afford the nuke, so don't

2:37

really matter that much. Iranians

2:39

and the Saudis, Saudi's and the Hooties Saudi's

2:42

and the Quataris, Saudi's and the Israelis,

2:44

although now they're becoming friends

2:46

because they both hate the Iranians more. In

2:48

a way, Iran is really bringing

2:50

the Middle East together. They got the Sudan

2:53

and South Sudan, North Korea and South

2:55

Korea. A matter of fact, if there's two countries

2:57

with the same name, they definitely

3:00

hate each other. And then of course

3:03

you've got the Israelis and the Palestinians.

3:07

I said, I'm not getting into it. God damn.

3:11

All right, let's wrap this up last beef America

3:14

and everybody else. Yeah,

3:17

that's right, I'm gonna give it to you straight kids.

3:20

Every other country hates us. They all

3:22

hate us. Some of them we invaded, some

3:24

of them, We overthrew most of them. We bomb

3:26

some of them. We saved from the Nazis. So I

3:29

don't know why the ain't mad, but it

3:31

is what it is. The game is the game. But that

3:33

leads me to my tip of the day. Kids, if

3:35

you ever travel abroad, do

3:38

what I do. Pretend your Canadian

3:41

Hell yeah, you put that maple leaf on

3:43

your head right there, man, Because here's the thing.

3:46

If it's one country that nobody hates,

3:49

it's Canada. Be honest, I don't know what

3:51

that's all the boot, but I'm gonna

3:53

make it work for me. That's it for today,

3:55

kids, See you next time in geography

3:58

class. Helpful

4:02

phrases Spanish.

4:12

Oh no, no, no, no no, I'm

4:16

just yes. One

4:19

chicken burrito. Please, thank you for allowing

4:21

me to order in Spanish while I'm here in this Chipotle.

4:24

I'm not gonna understand if you respond. Thank

4:26

you very much. Hi,

4:31

kids, welcome to Miss Daisise. Math for

4:33

real life. Calculus is cool

4:35

and all, but if you're part of the ninety nine percent

4:37

of adults who don't become math teachers, you'll

4:40

want to learn some math that you won't learn in school.

4:42

Now, there are two times normal adults use

4:44

math. Tipping your waiter. This

4:48

is only eight percent, and

4:50

buying a home. Buying

4:52

a home is like getting married. It's a huge

4:55

decision, and you're only going to do it one to four

4:57

times in your life. Lucky for you, I'm

4:59

a life sends to real estate agents like

5:01

one third of adults in America, so I can help

5:03

you through this big decision. Step

5:06

one, determine your budget. Usually

5:09

to buy a house, you'll need to put the

5:11

prices a down payment. So for five thousand

5:14

dollar house, you'll need to have a hundred thousand dollars

5:16

in savings. But you only have three

5:18

thousand dollars. Don't worry,

5:21

we'll figure that out later. Let's move on

5:23

to the fun part, step

5:25

to find a house. Look

5:28

at all these beautiful houses. I'm

5:31

a Victorian, I'm mid century

5:33

model, and we are twins.

5:36

But you can't afford any of these houses.

5:40

Oh wait, but what about that one on the end over there,

5:42

and that looks nice. I'm only affordable

5:44

because a murder happened to me and I can't

5:46

stop thinking about it. My walls

5:48

will never be clean. In

5:51

real itt or speak, we call this character.

5:53

So let's put an offer in Step

5:56

three, put in an offer. An offer

5:58

is the price you tell the seller you're willing to pay for

6:00

the house. Let's offer seven and

6:02

fifty K contingent on inspection. I

6:04

think that's good. O.

6:08

They counted at two million last and final.

6:10

I know it's more than we talked about, but I suggest we

6:12

take it. There's a Saudi shell company right behind

6:14

you, ready to pay all cash, just a

6:17

quick thing. I'm paid on commission, so it's really

6:19

important to me that you buy this house, but not really

6:21

important to me that you can afford it. So

6:23

you'll accept. Congrats onto step

6:26

four under contract. Once

6:28

you've signed the initial contract. Now it's time

6:30

to send a forest worth of paperwork to the bank.

6:32

They'll need pay stuffs, bank statements. W

6:35

two's a credit report, a letter from your employer

6:37

and your parents addressed because somebody's

6:39

going to pay for this house. Well, you fill

6:41

all that out. Let's get the house inspected.

6:46

Hello, Mr Wrench, how's the house looking. Oh

6:48

yeah, it's falling apart. You got black bowled.

6:50

The furnace is shot and the septic system needs

6:52

to be replaced. That's right, the septic system.

6:55

I bet you didn't know. This house has a big tube of ship

6:57

under it. It's right next to the well. Step

7:00

five closing day. Once

7:02

the bank approves your paperwork. You signed the final

7:04

contracts with the previous owner and the bank,

7:06

and you own the house. Specifically,

7:10

you own of the house. The rest belongs to

7:12

the bank. Oh, which reminds me, meet Marty

7:14

the mortgage. Where's my money? You better have

7:17

it by the first of a month, or your asked will be

7:19

out in the street. I don't give a crap if it's winter.

7:22

So remember to pay your mortgage and be

7:24

happy because you're living the American

7:26

dream. You own a home and

7:30

that's not class. Today's

7:36

show was brought to you by the letters m

7:38

m K. M

7:40

K. Ultra was a CIA mind control project

7:42

that illegally experimented on humans to identify

7:45

substances that could coerce people into making

7:47

confessions. M K. Hey,

8:11

welcome to science class. Today we're

8:13

gonna talk about animals. And

8:15

I know you kids are like the fancy

8:18

animals. Okay, but stop being so thirsty for

8:20

hippos because unless you're a Colombian drug

8:22

lord, you're never going to own one. Okay.

8:25

Instead, today we're gonna talk about the animals

8:27

you'll actually encounter, the

8:29

ones that will infest your house.

8:32

Animals like the fruit fly.

8:35

This is a mould infestation. As far

8:37

as the intexts go. Fruit flies are pretty chill.

8:39

They're like most Brooklyn hipsters, very picky

8:42

eaters, and they have zero upper body strength.

8:44

Also, they do it doggy style.

8:47

Who knew anyway?

8:49

Getting rid of them is pretty straightforward to

8:52

stop leaving piles of rotting fruit lying around

8:54

U. A worse infestation

8:56

is bedbugs. Much like army hammer,

8:59

they feed on human when blood. Getting wed

9:01

of bed bugs is almost impossible, so

9:03

if you get them, the best solution

9:05

is to just leave, walk out the door,

9:08

star a new life. Like Miley Cyrus.

9:11

People didn't hand them on. Tanna was a character, but it

9:13

was just who she was until she got bed bugs.

9:15

Next up ladybugs or a

9:17

scientists call them women bugs.

9:20

This is maybe the best infestation

9:22

you can have. They don't really do anything,

9:25

and for bugs, they look pretty. They're

9:27

like beetles that just got their nails done.

9:29

But enough about insects. Let's move on

9:31

to mammals, specifically mice

9:34

the freeloader rodents, And

9:37

to be clear, not all rodents

9:39

are freeloaders. Just look at squirrels.

9:41

They're like small business owners hustling

9:44

out there renting storage lockers

9:46

for their nuts. But mice just

9:48

want your food. Now. Mice

9:51

like to come into your home because it's nice and cozy.

9:53

That's why the best way is to deter them

9:56

is to make your home cold and inhospitable,

9:59

like a Scandinavia. If

10:01

you do have mice, you'll know because

10:03

they take these little ships in your house that look exactly

10:05

like chocolate tic TACs, but they are not chocolate

10:08

tic TACs. That's a lesson I learned

10:10

many many times. Finally,

10:14

the king of pests raccoons.

10:16

Raccoons evolved millions of years ago when

10:18

a bath the monkey. Of

10:21

course, I'm just kidding. Science doesn't actually

10:23

know where they came from.

10:25

Mostly they just go through your garbage looking

10:27

for food and anything that can sell on eBay.

10:30

The whole nature recycles. You have

10:32

to be careful around raccoons. They're one of

10:34

the primary carriers of rabies, a

10:36

virus that makes animals act like they're

10:38

from New Jersey. If you see a raccoon

10:41

foaming at the mouth, do not go

10:43

nearer with a cow zone it will fight

10:45

you for it. So yeah,

10:48

those are all the animals you actually need

10:50

to know about. I hope you found this educational.

10:53

Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to

10:55

enjoy some of these chocolate tic TACs I just found

10:59

O damn it. Okay,

11:02

well, i'll see you guys next week, maybe

11:06

this one. No,

11:09

no, no, that was poo to. Al

11:26

Right, everybody, it's time for gym class. It's

11:28

also time for sex, said, which is taught by

11:30

jim teachers for some reason. Let's

11:32

get right into it. Showey sex.

11:40

These days, the Internet is going to give you the wrong

11:43

idea about sex, that it's

11:45

fun. Well, it's not. When you're single,

11:47

getting lucky isn't having sex, it's getting

11:49

a clean blood test six weeks later. And

11:51

when you're married, it's

11:54

not much better. She's more interested in

11:56

her head. Take a personal massager from

11:58

Brookstone and you're so decent ties

12:00

by porn that you can't get things going

12:02

unless you imagine she's a mermaid but with

12:05

legs. Hey, let's get tony jumpy Jack's

12:07

going him. Man. Now,

12:12

if you're in the feet, that's kind of cool because

12:15

you can just go to the beach. Grandfather,

12:24

I'm doing. I'm nine years old and

12:26

one day I will be president of

12:28

the United States. Well,

12:30

first off, don't call me grandpa kid.

12:33

Secondly, who you're not. You'll

12:36

have to wait until you're thirty five, and this

12:38

country is not gonna be around that long.

12:42

But if you like throwing your weight around

12:44

and owning the fate of people in the palm

12:46

of your hand, why not enter

12:49

the exciting fiele of reality

12:51

show judges. There's voting,

12:54

people respect your opinion even though

12:56

you have no clue what you're talking about,

12:58

and the best party you'll never

13:00

have to eat a corn dog and Fiowa,

13:05

so be that instead. I

13:07

commanded Grandpa

13:11

Lou. I love animals. I

13:13

have a dug any cat now, and my

13:16

dream job when I grew up is to help them

13:18

by becoming a veterinarian. Again,

13:20

it's not Grandpa Lou,

13:23

it's guidance counseling lou An.

13:25

Unfortunately, vegetable can cost

13:27

over three grand. It will take you decades

13:30

to pay off. Because people love

13:32

their pets, but they love their money

13:34

more. I'm not taking out a second

13:37

mortgage to fixed muffins thyroid.

13:40

Lucky for you, it's a cheaper way to

13:42

work with animals without all the hassle,

13:45

the Russian circus and unregulated

13:48

paradise of animal performances.

13:50

You'll get to treat all kinds of furry

13:52

friends from endangered species

13:55

sold on the black market to a

13:57

panda that you're pretty sure it's actually just

13:59

to do on bragnant black and white. That

14:01

you'd only get the care for bears you

14:04

could wrestle them. What a

14:06

treat. I'm gonna sign

14:09

you up, grand

14:11

Ball. I'm Kelly, and when

14:14

I grew up, I want to be an astronaut.

14:17

That's a great career choice. I

14:19

mean, to be an astronaut you have to be an expert

14:21

in math and science, and if you're trapped

14:23

in the American educational system,

14:25

you've got no chance at that. So

14:29

I suggest you try for another job

14:32

that will let you enjoy the majesty

14:35

of space. And I sure

14:37

at a planetarium you get

14:39

to experience distant world.

14:42

Just do that instead, all

14:46

right, last kid, I am getting

14:49

secondly ship Mr

14:52

Black. I'm Olivia, and

14:54

I want to become a mid level account representative

14:57

for a marketing company.

14:59

The now. That's a

15:01

career choice. You

15:04

don't need any advice from me, Olivia. You

15:06

get what life saw about. Send

15:08

a realistic goal, achieve

15:11

it, and spend your weekends drinking

15:13

Margarita's and Chili's. All

15:16

right, well, that's enough, correcting

15:19

kids, hopeless dreams until

15:22

next time. Goodbye from Grandpa

15:24

Luke, I mean guidance counsel looke.

15:26

Damn it. Now they've got me doing it.

15:31

What is the fastest land mammal?

15:33

A horse, be cheetah?

15:37

See congressman leaving a hotel at four

15:39

am, d gazelle

15:42

the answer after the break? What

15:52

is the fastest land mammal? The answer

15:54

is see. While

15:56

cheetahs can reach seventy a

15:59

properly intoxicated congressman can drive

16:01

from the crime scene at twice that speed.

16:09

Hey, kids, today we're gonna learn about commerce,

16:12

and we're gonna do it with some help from my friend Smuggly.

16:16

Smuggly, I want to buy an action figure collectible

16:18

from the new Robo Dinosaur movie. I'm

16:20

not sure if I have enough money. If I have four

16:23

quarters and ten dimes, can you

16:25

tell me how much that's worth? Yeah, you've

16:27

got scrap metal. No,

16:30

it's money, that's

16:32

called FIOD money. The future is crypto.

16:34

You gotta get into bitcoin. Bitcoin.

16:38

Isn't that the money you use to buy synthetic

16:40

marijuana from the Philippines. No, no,

16:42

no, no no no, I mean yes, but not

16:44

just then you can buy all kinds of things

16:46

with bitcoin, like a robot

16:48

dinosaur collectible. Sure,

16:51

you can buy any dumb toy you one. Well, technically it's

16:53

not a toy. It's a collective. You see. Bitcoin is a

16:55

semi anonymous digital currency with transactions

16:58

recorded in an open ledger stored online

17:00

and what's called the blockchain. Blockchain

17:03

like legos, legos, Jesus

17:05

Christ. Okay, let me start at the beginning.

17:08

Give me a dollar, Okay,

17:11

Now, what is this dollar bill?

17:14

Worth? One dollar? Which

17:17

is worth wiping my puppet ass with? Sly,

17:20

that's my dollar, relaxed, man, Every dollar

17:23

bill has been in someone's ass. The point is

17:25

it comes from a central bank which can just print

17:27

them out of thin air. That's called inflation.

17:31

And that's why thirty years ago a bottle of

17:33

Lambrusko only costs five dollars and now I'm

17:35

paying like fifteen. That's highway robbery.

17:37

But how does bitcoin fix

17:40

all this? Well,

17:42

it's hardcap to twenty one million bitcoin, so there's

17:44

no inflation, and the only way to find those twenty

17:46

one million is through mining. Mining, So

17:49

bitcoins come from the ground. Not

17:51

that kind of mining, Jesus,

17:53

This is why I didn't want to work on a kid's show, but

17:56

oh puppet can't work a trading desk

17:58

at Goldman. That's the scriminal Asian. Should

18:01

you really be mixing pills and wine

18:03

like that? That's how Prince died. Okay,

18:10

all you need to know is that you and all the other kids

18:12

out there better make the leaf the bitcoin as

18:15

soon as you can. Kids. I'm

18:17

forty one, forty one,

18:19

and you're trying to buy a toy dinosaur, sweet

18:21

baby, James. I thought you just had like a hormone and

18:23

balance or something typicular. It's a collectible. And look,

18:26

if I want to buy one of these bitcoins,

18:29

how much does it cost? Well, that depends on

18:31

the market rate and what someone will take for it. Right

18:33

now, they're worth a lot more than toy

18:36

dinosaur. Toy dinosaur, but

18:38

he for one bitcoin, I could pay Barney to watch

18:40

me baby bop his wife. It

18:43

sounds like I better get a bitcoin. It's the money

18:45

of the future unless the power

18:47

or internet access goes out, and the risk

18:49

of being decentralized means if someone gets control

18:52

of one of the blockchain, they mail

18:54

to the ledger, and of course the deflation

18:56

problem because why would anyone use bitcoin

18:58

to buy things if it keep getting more valuable.

19:01

Now, you may not be able to print new bitcoins,

19:04

but anyone can make new crypto. So bitcoin

19:06

could be made obsoletely through competition,

19:08

or the government could just decide to

19:10

band them anyway.

19:13

It's just a couple thoughts off the top of my hand. Yeah,

19:15

those are those are good points.

19:17

That's why the safest thing to do is to diversify

19:19

and to put your money into other things like what,

19:22

well, while you were talking about this collectible dinosaur,

19:25

Okay, well that's what I wanted to buy.

19:28

Yeah, exactly. There's clearly a demand

19:30

and that's what makes it valuable in the market. Why

19:32

don't you let me buy that off you? Well, you

19:34

can bid for it on eBay with all the rest of the man children.

19:38

That's a dick move. That's

19:40

commerce for your kids.

19:46

Helpful phrases Mandarin

19:50

nohow wasn't going to eating

19:52

z non instance, lenzing quick what a meg

19:54

Warren won and go total away round

19:56

bongong all

19:59

those who light don't win the meeting. Hello,

20:03

I'm an American looking to enter the country

20:05

as an economic refugee. My skills

20:07

include Microsoft Office and knowing

20:09

most of the white man's secrets. How

20:16

little friends, it's me, don't

20:18

say. And today we're gonna learn

20:20

how the government works. Now,

20:23

most Civics classes will teach you about the President

20:26

and Supreme Court and Congress

20:28

and blah blah blah. But you

20:30

don't need to know any of that. Hell,

20:32

the biggest thing Congress does for you has flooded

20:35

your inbox every fifteen minutes. The

20:37

future of the world depends on me

20:39

sending ten bucks to some dumbass

20:41

and Rhode Island. I'm going to tell you about

20:43

the parts of the government you'll meet and feel

20:46

light. Let's start with the T s A. That's

20:49

the part of the government in charge of feeling

20:51

you up and confiscating

20:53

a little shampoo bottles filled with Hennessy.

20:56

Here's the tip, kids, always drink

20:58

your booze for you get on the

21:00

flight. And

21:04

do you know how the T s A gets away with

21:07

harassing us like this? It's

21:09

because the men. That's

21:12

so damn fun. Next,

21:15

we've got the I R S. You

21:18

know how the mafia collects protection money.

21:20

This is sort of like the same thing. You see,

21:23

whatever you make, the government wants a

21:25

taste, and the I r s are

21:27

the guys who come to get it. But don't

21:29

worry, the government will use that money

21:32

for important things like drones and

21:34

studies to see if they can grow corn on

21:36

the sun. Next the

21:38

FBI. Unless

21:41

you're mobbed up, you're probably not gonna hear much from

21:43

these guys. They're busy working

21:45

on a backlog of cases from people who

21:47

copy the VHS tape in nine seven.

21:50

Because if there's one thing the FEDS

21:53

hate more than al Kata, it's

21:55

bootlegs of dirty dancing. There's

21:57

also the c I A are

22:00

the ones selling drugs in your community. Let's

22:04

move on to the judiciary, or as I

22:06

call it, courtship. No

22:08

matter who you are, you're gonna be in a lifelong

22:11

battle against the justice system.

22:14

For some of you would be avoiding jail, but

22:16

for most of you it will be avoiding ry

22:19

duty. Court

22:21

is also where you go to get married, and

22:24

where you go back to to get divorced,

22:27

and where you defend yourself against grant

22:29

them auto charges because he said the four

22:31

explore was his, but you would have won making

22:33

the payments. And

22:38

speaking of cars, let's move on

22:40

to the d m V. That's where you go to renew

22:42

your license, you'll wait in a long ass

22:45

line next to all the weirdest people who live

22:47

in your county. In fact, I'm in a

22:49

d m V line right now. After

22:53

this, I'm heading over to the State Department, because

22:55

that's where you get your passport, the document

22:58

that has the smallest worst picture

23:01

you've ever taken. Oh,

23:03

don't worry, you only have to look at it

23:05

for ten years. What else,

23:07

Oh, the Department of Education. They're

23:10

in charge of teaching you the basics, like

23:12

where to hide during a school shooting. Other

23:15

than that, they don't teach you ship, which

23:17

is why I'm here teaching you on my day

23:20

off. They could have more

23:22

funding, but America needs that money

23:25

for the Defense Department. They're

23:27

the ones out there enforcing

23:30

the American Empire so

23:32

you can maintain your way of life.

23:35

Oh y'all didn't think I was gonna get

23:37

real, did you. If

23:39

you're a male over the age of eighteen, the

23:41

military will make you register for the draft,

23:44

but not if you're a woman. And

23:46

that's fine with me. I'm the kind

23:49

of feminist that wants to be a CEO, not

23:51

a gunnery sergeant. And

23:54

that's basically most of government. You interact

23:56

with. There's other agencies. You

23:58

got the e p a EM Deep

24:01

stay, but we'll get to them another

24:03

time. Right now, I gotta go

24:05

get my license. Well

24:13

that is our special Thank

24:15

you so much for watching. I hope we

24:17

all learned something. I know I learned

24:20

much too late that none of this is text

24:22

deductible, unbelievable.

24:25

Anyway, join us next time when we

24:27

learn about green energy subsidies

24:29

from the Cayman Islands. Class

24:31

dismissed. The Daily

24:34

Show with covernoah ears edition. Watch

24:36

The Daily Show weeknights at eleven ten Central

24:38

on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central

24:40

Act. Watchful episodes and videos

24:42

at the Daily Show dot com. Follow us

24:44

on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram,

24:47

and subscribe to The Daily Show on YouTube

24:49

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24:56

has been a Comedy Central podcast.