0:00

On this episode, we discuss Boat

0:02

Trip! In a fairly

0:04

ill-thought-out Pride Month special. Hey

0:32

everyone, and welcome to The Flop House. I'm Dan McCoy.

0:35

I'm Stuart Wellington. I'm

0:40

Elliot Galen. That

0:42

was if I was a race car. And

0:45

with us today, yet again,

0:47

a returning favorite

0:50

guest, Alonzo Duralde, of Maximum

0:53

Film on the MaxFun

0:56

Network, other podcasts. But also the

0:58

new book, Hollywood Pride. Alonzo, is

1:00

there a subtitle to your book?

1:02

Tell me. Oh God, there is,

1:04

but it's so long I can never remember. A

1:08

celebration of LGBTQ plus

1:10

representation and perseverance in

1:12

film. Oh, and we

1:14

picked the perfect movie. And

1:17

I'm here to make it okay for you guys to talk

1:19

about. Thank you. In full

1:21

disclosure, we were talking to Alonzo about being on

1:23

and he was like, what about Boat Trip? We

1:26

didn't bring this project to him. He

1:30

gave us some possibles. And honestly, my

1:32

thinking was like, okay, well, some of these movies

1:35

are bad, but have their heart in the right place. And I don't

1:37

know if I want to make fun of that. Let's make fun of

1:39

something where I don't feel bad making fun

1:41

of it. But then I'm like, but that

1:43

means that we watched Boat Trip, which was

1:46

a horrible experience. I made the

1:48

same argument. My wife was like, oh, you

1:50

shouldn't be talking about that. I'm like, but

1:52

I feel like oftentimes when you, like

1:54

those who forget the past. Yeah, exactly.

1:57

Our doom should make Boat Trip too.

2:00

Oh no. Let's

2:04

do a bad gay movie that clearly had

2:06

not one single gay person involved in any

2:08

aspect of its production. It

2:12

is a very specific type of

2:14

straight person's idea of what a

2:17

gay world is like. Also, it feels like-

2:19

It's a system for the prequel. Das Bootrip,

2:22

where it's about unspoken

2:24

love between Nazis. I'm

2:26

going to take it one step further. I feel

2:28

like nobody involved has been on

2:30

a cruise before. I

2:34

was curious about that because he has Stu and

2:37

Dan, you have a lot of experience with

2:39

cruises. Yeah, we're cruise masters. Yeah,

2:41

you're really into cruising. And I

2:43

was wondering- That's Devil on Tundra. How

2:47

did it feel like this was true to your experience

2:49

of what it's like to be on a cruise ship?

2:52

Well, totally. Every moment. Main

2:54

objection, and we'll get to this in

2:56

the movie, but they take so long

2:58

to realize that they're on

3:00

a gay cruise and not a

3:03

cruise of wild heterosexual

3:05

women that they can head on. And

3:08

my experience of being on cruise, I've only been on two.

3:11

It's not like I'm- but my experience is-

3:13

Oh, all right. Dan just throws his money

3:15

around Willy Nilly at every cruise company that

3:17

comes by his door.

3:19

Drop an anchor in every port. Yeah, we

3:21

got old triangle Danness out here. I

3:26

mean, which is the triangle sadness often, unfortunately.

3:31

We know some travel agents who make it very affordable.

3:33

Yeah, Huckleberry Travel. Shout out to Huckleberry Travel. Must be

3:35

nice. Yeah, it is nice to have- Yeah,

3:39

Huckleberry Travel's a super LGBT key close. Let

3:41

me get out the goddamn point. Yeah, it's

3:44

true though. No, what

3:46

I'm saying is they take so long to realize,

3:48

and it's my experience that a cruise takes a

3:50

long time to leave port. They would have plenty

3:52

of time to realize their mistake, pick up

3:55

their luggage, disembark, be

3:57

safely on the dock. Then

4:00

we would just remove the- And then there'd be no

4:02

movie and where would there be no movie? Exactly. Richard,

4:05

arguably. It's just like John Ford

4:07

said when someone said in Stagecoach, how come the

4:09

natives don't just shoot the horses of the stagecoach

4:11

rather than chasing them? And he said, because then

4:13

I don't have a movie if

4:15

they do that. So Dan, if they realize

4:17

where they are, if these characters had

4:20

any intelligence whatsoever, you would not, were

4:22

compassion for human beings. They would not

4:24

have a film. Yeah. No,

4:26

that's true. Who would be using Stagecoach as

4:28

a touchstone throughout this episode? I feel like

4:30

there's a lot of similarities. Much

4:33

like a taxi driver

4:35

and hardcore are both takes on the searchers.

4:37

Boat Trip is very much a take on

4:40

Stagecoach. Yeah.

4:43

So let's get into this. Much like,

4:45

yeah, Paul Shrader is working through his

4:47

feelings about the searchers. The

4:50

director of this film, Mort Nathan, a

4:52

former producer, head writer for the

4:54

Golden Girls was working through his

4:56

feelings about John Ford's other films. Yes. Well,

4:59

I'm glad you interrupted me to say exactly what

5:01

I was going to say, which was, yes, Mort

5:03

Nathan. You don't sound glad at all. I'm sorry.

5:06

I forgot that I'm Nostradamus and I know I had a time when

5:08

you're going to say it all moments. I mean,

5:10

not interrupting me is also the option. I guess I didn't check my

5:12

scrying glass to see what Dan was about to

5:14

say. I'll do that next time. Linda

5:17

Holmes is going to call us about this moment

5:19

later. Co-writer and director

5:22

Mort Nathan. Yes. One

5:24

of the co-producers and head writers of the Golden

5:26

Girls also less successfully

5:29

than the Golden

5:31

Girls, not than Boat Trip, maybe equally successful

5:33

to Boat Trip, The

5:35

Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer,

5:37

another notoriously ill-conceived.

5:41

With its own share of dated

5:44

already at the time gay in it

5:46

too. And Mort Nathan

5:48

is also the Nathan of Nathan's Hot

5:50

Dogs, right? Yes. And the brother

5:52

of Mort Trucker. And he's

5:54

the Mort from, from, uh, Ziggy Joe. And

5:57

he's Mort the dead teenager. He's Nathan's Hot

5:59

Dog. of jokes actually in this

6:01

movie. But how you can

6:03

come away with having worked on the Golden

6:05

Girls for years and still know this little

6:08

about gay people, the finals,

6:10

everything that I know about pop culture. There's

6:14

part of me that wonders, did

6:16

he leave the Golden Girls the same way

6:18

that these guys leave that cruise being like,

6:20

what were we on, what happened? We had

6:22

no idea. Dan, you should also

6:25

mention though, he did go to greater things. He

6:27

did also direct Van Wilder, The Rise of Taj.

6:29

Oh, thank God. Oh, shit. I was

6:31

wondering about how Taj rose so high.

6:33

Now you're gonna find out. Let's

6:37

get into this. What if it said it was Gene

6:39

Wilder, The Rise of Taj? Would that be a more

6:41

interesting movie? Yes. I

6:44

don't have anything more to say about it. What

6:46

about Billy Wilder, National Lampoon's Billy Wilder, The Rise

6:49

of Taj. What if it was National Lampoon's Gene

6:51

Roddenberry, The Rise of Taj? I

6:54

mean, yeah, that would be, how did they

6:56

get involved? I don't understand. They know each other, yeah.

6:58

You're drifting far from shore in the same way. Just

7:00

like the boat. Boat might.

7:04

That's how I didn't know what you were gonna say, Dan.

7:06

I didn't really say it, yeah. Yeah. This

7:09

movie begins with

7:11

some zany. Oh, should we also mention that we in

7:13

no way endorse the activities of Cuba Goody Jr. and

7:16

Horatio Sands to accuse predators and

7:19

figure types. I doubt that people

7:21

would assume we would, but yeah,

7:23

we'll stipulate that up. But they

7:26

are representing all heterosexuality in

7:28

this movie, I just wanna put that out there.

7:30

Yeah, and I apologize for boat trip. They

7:35

were named official UN heterosexuality event.

7:41

Yeah, we get some zany music. We get an

7:43

early 2000s font, so we get Cuba

7:45

Goody Jr. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa,

7:47

whoa, whoa, whoa, let's put a pin in

7:50

this. We get James Brown's I Feel Good.

7:52

Not yet, no? Before this?

7:54

No. Cuba Goody Jr. proposing

7:57

to someone. Oh, you're

7:59

right. It's just his dog. Oh, that's

8:01

right. It's just his dog. But now we know that

8:03

he wants to propose to someone and

8:05

then we get. And that he has a dog. I

8:08

feel good. The fact that it comes

8:10

back at the end of the movie, even though we've

8:12

forgotten it in the meantime. I mean, would you take

8:14

a dog with you on a cruise? Probably not. No,

8:17

but why bring the dog? Like, was it so

8:19

important that the dog exists that we have to

8:21

see him then again at the

8:24

wedding at the end of the movie? They needed

8:26

those cutaway shots because those are comedy gold. Yes.

8:29

Everything's funnier when a dog is watching it. Just like

8:31

in my book, Horse Meets Dog. Oh,

8:33

wow. Nice. You can't speak to

8:35

a plug. Let me guys ask

8:37

you a question. Sure. I've always found

8:39

Cuba Gooding Jr. to be an unappealing

8:44

personality on film. Do you think that they would

8:46

like give him a dog? It'll make him seem

8:48

that much more likable. Well, I

8:50

think that's kind of thing about his performance

8:53

in this whole movie is that I'm like, I

8:56

guess I remember him from Jerry McGuire. And

8:59

I guess I remember him from the People

9:02

versus OJ where he plays OJ. But

9:05

like, And Snow Dogs. Does he, like, he

9:08

acts like some kind of weird innocent in

9:10

this movie where his brain doesn't quite work.

9:12

And he's like, Yeah, it's the kind of

9:14

thing that probably influences you sometimes. Experiencing everything

9:16

for the first time. Yeah. But

9:18

does he do that in every movie? Or is

9:20

this like a facade that he has adopted because

9:22

he's like, I don't, for

9:24

this specific role, I don't know. He's kind

9:26

of the audience surrogate in Boys in the

9:29

Hood, right? Yeah, that's true. But

9:31

yeah, this one, it does seem like

9:35

everything is all shiny and new and non

9:37

understandable to him. I think this is his

9:39

idea of what like a nice guy is

9:42

like. Like he's supposed to be the nice guy and

9:44

Horatio Sands is supposed to be the horn dog in

9:46

the classic kind of comedy and

9:48

tragedy double mask act that 80s comedies

9:51

are built on. Yeah, it's like Splash

9:53

with John Candy and Tom Hanks.

9:55

Exactly. And so he's supposed to be like

9:57

the nice guy and he takes nice to mean like. Yeah,

10:00

naive, innocent of the world, you know,

10:04

doesn't know anything. He's also relatively

10:07

subdued in Boys in the Hood, which is

10:09

one of his better performances. And then in

10:11

Jerry Maguire, he plays this character who's big

10:14

and that's like kind of to mask

10:16

the insecurity beneath. And that works really

10:18

well from him. And then I felt

10:20

like after that, he just kind of was like, everything's gonna

10:22

be at 11. And maybe that's

10:24

what you're responding to, Elliot. I don't know. I

10:26

have an Academy Award. Yeah,

10:29

that's proof that I can spend time with

10:31

snow dogs if I want. And

10:35

he was in Chill Factor too, right? He was in

10:37

Chill Factor about a bomb that

10:39

needs to stay cold. I just, I remember

10:41

the commercials for that. I love they were

10:43

like, a bomb is on the loose and

10:45

an ice cream man and this other guy

10:47

have to keep it cold. Like the commercial

10:50

was like, are you buying this? Can you

10:52

believe this? Okay,

10:54

guys, we haven't even hit the title of the movie

10:56

yet. It's Bo Trippdink. As

11:00

in the film, as Alonzo noted, the

11:02

most overused needle drop this side

11:04

of Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen, I

11:06

feel good comes in to

11:08

show us that he's feeling good. We

11:10

got a montage of him walking a

11:12

dog, intercut with him, dancing at home.

11:14

Is this something? Oh, he's also in

11:16

Rat Race, which uses the Smash Mouth.

11:23

All Star? All Star. Thank you, yes.

11:25

The other most overplayed needle drop in cinema

11:28

history. So is this

11:30

something that people do in real life? Cause they seem

11:32

to do it a lot in movies, just kind of

11:34

like dancing by themselves in their house. I

11:36

mean, I dance on my own, myself. Yeah,

11:39

just by yourself? Do you like do you like dancing up

11:41

and down stairs and things like that? Yeah,

11:44

as it's the only

11:46

time I can feel uninhibited, Okay.

11:49

Do you sing into the hairbrush though? Yeah. I

11:52

do it all. No, it's usually I'm in

11:54

the kitchen. So it's usually like a wooden

11:56

spoon. Okay, spatula maybe. I'm

11:58

in my tidy whitey. I'm wearing a

12:00

button down shirt with

12:03

most of the buttons undone. Did

12:05

you remember a movie? You sing to like

12:07

in your reflection in a pot that's hanging

12:09

from the, from the, from the, you know.

12:11

Have you been spying on me, Elliot? So.

12:17

Living that Nancy Meyers lifestyle. I

12:19

wish. Kitchen the

12:21

size of a ballroom, yeah. I have so

12:23

many notes for this movie. We

12:25

can't spend as much time. Cuba,

12:28

we get a proposal, not

12:35

to a dog this time, to

12:37

his girlfriend Vivica Fox. We're

12:39

in a hot air balloon, which

12:41

brought to mind Roger Ebert's hot air

12:43

balloon rule, which we discussed before. We

12:46

discussed that there's at least two exceptions to that rule.

12:48

Yeah. Mr. Vazen. Mr. Vazen, great

12:50

Muppet caper. Which, but

12:53

Alonzo will give grudging, grudging tolerance of

12:55

the great Muppet caper. But

12:59

yeah, the rule being, of course, no good

13:01

movie with a hot air balloon. He's

13:04

got motion sickness for, which

13:06

is a weird one to me for hot air balloon.

13:08

Like maybe fear of heights, but

13:10

it's moving so slowly. But.

13:15

You have a horizon. Yeah,

13:17

and if he gets, if he gets like seasick like that,

13:20

he shouldn't go on a cruise, man. Good

13:22

point, good point. Because.

13:25

I would like it more if the plot of

13:27

the movie was, I had motion sickness and it

13:29

messed up my proposal. I need to confront this

13:31

by going on a cruise and just facing my

13:33

motion sickness down. That would be a funnier reason

13:36

to do it. Set ups and pay offs, man.

13:38

Yep. Yeah, he

13:40

can't propose because he's too sick. Fox tells

13:42

him to spit it out, which

13:44

of course is a cue for him to vomit all over. Hilarity.

13:49

She denies him, but not because of the vomit,

13:51

which would be pretty shallow.

13:54

She just, she's met someone else. So.

13:57

I mean, she's the jerk. She's very clearly the,

13:59

the woman. that he loves but who is

14:01

wrong for him that he should not be with.

14:04

I mean, I would argue that what we know

14:06

about Cuban Gordon Jr.'s character throughout the rest of

14:08

the movie, she is well-read of this man. No,

14:11

I would say in the world that the movie

14:13

is hoping to exist in where Jerry, Cuban Gordon

14:15

Jr.'s character is a nice guy who deserves better,

14:17

she is the, you know. At

14:20

this point in the plot, that's what he deserves. Yes.

14:24

Yes, Jerry returns home. He is yet

14:26

to discover his full self by being

14:29

on a cruise with a bunch of

14:31

stereotypes for like three weeks, four

14:33

weeks. How long have you been on that cruise? Eight

14:36

years. When

14:39

Jerry returns home, he is no longer feeling good,

14:41

the episode of the song. He

14:44

should play this, a funny joke would've been if he played

14:46

the song backwards. Oh, that

14:48

would've been sick. And then

14:50

we get a six months later, Kyron. Hell

14:52

yeah. Right away. It's a good

14:54

sign. We've only met two characters six months later.

14:56

And a dog. We meet

14:59

Cuba slash Jerry's buddy, Horatio Sands. I'm

15:01

mostly gonna refer to like the main

15:03

character by the actor's name, because it's

15:05

just easier. Horatio

15:08

wants to cheer Cuba up, get

15:10

him out in the town. We

15:12

see Horatio then at his

15:14

work. At his job, yeah, he's a maintenance man

15:16

at a spa. Yes. And

15:19

he walks through a woman, sorry, walks through a woman.

15:22

He walks the same way. That would be an amazing

15:24

trick. Wanna see a kitty pride? But he can only

15:26

do it once. No,

15:29

he walks through a room where a

15:31

woman is naked on

15:33

a massage table awaiting her massage. And

15:36

he does some, you know, three Stooges

15:38

like reactions. She's like, come on,

15:40

give me my massage, Joey, or whoever she thinks is

15:42

in the room. And him, instead of being a human

15:44

being and saying. Yeah, Joey from the concrete blonde song.

15:48

Instead of being a human being and saying, I'm

15:50

sorry, I'm not the masseuse, or just leaving the

15:52

room. He immediately, he can't, it's

15:54

unclear from his performance whether he is

15:57

just so horny to touch a naked

15:59

woman's back. or that he is so

16:02

embarrassed that she's gonna find out that the masseuse

16:04

isn't there. You are giving him way too much

16:06

credit. I mean, he is horny. He starts out

16:08

definitely as horny as, and then it becomes frustration

16:11

as he is unable to massage

16:13

her as hard as she demands. Yeah. And

16:15

so this somehow escalates. It's hard to be

16:17

a masseuse. He doesn't have

16:19

experience, yeah. So if I'm gonna hang on.

16:22

By the way, male, it's a masseur. Massouces

16:24

are women. Oh. Okay. What about Dr. Seuss?

16:28

That's a whole other story. As

16:30

the masseur in my home, I

16:33

get tired. If I'm massaging Audrey's

16:35

shoulders, I immediately get tired. Yeah,

16:38

your hands get tired so hard when you're,

16:40

so quickly. It hurts. But

16:43

also the fact that a maintenance man should not

16:45

be walking through a room where a naked

16:47

client is. That's on the spot. I mean, it's

16:49

so many liabilities. But

16:53

unless you know early that this movie is not interested

16:56

in ideas like consent. Sure. It's

16:58

important. It's important to get that out of the way.

17:01

I've gotta establish that. That should have been the slogan

17:03

on the poster. Not interested in ideas like consent. Anyway,

17:07

he was so goaded by her cries for

17:10

a harder massage that he eventually sticks a plunger

17:12

on her butt. And then

17:14

that's the punchline to that scene. Pulls the

17:16

poop right out. Yep. If

17:19

only. Later at a party, Sams

17:22

runs into character actor Steven and Porter,

17:24

someone who you recognize from TV, a

17:28

lot of stuff. Lots of stuff. He

17:30

has a hot date and Sams tactfully

17:32

assumes out loud that she's an escort

17:35

in front of everybody. But his friend says. Which is,

17:38

would be fine. Sex workers work. Yeah,

17:41

but she may not want to be outed in

17:43

front of everyone. No, that's fair too. I

17:46

think the implication that he would have to hire

17:48

someone to be his date to a party

17:50

is also not the most flattering

17:52

one. It's

17:55

a she's out of your league situation

17:57

here. Yeah, exactly. He

18:00

is all that, I think is what there. His

18:03

friend takes the glasses off, yeah. She's

18:06

better with the glasses, Alonzo. She should have kept

18:08

those glasses on. Look,

18:10

Anne Hathaway should have kept her eyebrows in the princess diaries,

18:13

you know what I'm saying? Yeah, sure. She

18:16

looked kind of like Kim Novak before she got rid of the

18:18

eyebrows. Anyway,

18:21

keeping with the sensitivity,

18:25

his friend says, quote, she ain't no

18:27

escort skank. This

18:29

is his fiance. And

18:32

he finds out, Horatio

18:35

finds out that he met this beautiful

18:37

fiance on a cruise, and

18:39

the guy basically claims that a cruise

18:41

is a floating fuck palace, which gets

18:43

sans right on board and makes

18:46

him immediately uninterested in the bar he's taking

18:48

Cuba getting ginger at too. He's

18:50

like, let's leave right now and get on

18:52

a boat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's

18:54

like the opening of fucking Moby Dick. I

18:56

would love it if it was. That

19:00

kweekweg walks in with his fucking hand in

19:02

his hands. Yeah, kweekweg's like, let's go get

19:04

some fucking strange, dude. Ishmael,

19:06

get out of the bed, we're sharing. Let's

19:08

get some other people in here. Yeah,

19:12

I would love if it immediately went to,

19:14

like they went to an all night cruise

19:16

booking place, but instead. They

19:18

put the sex in sextants. It

19:22

cuts to the next day, when

19:25

they're going to book a cruise, Sans gets

19:27

into a shouting match after

19:30

a traffic altercation with Artie Lang. Very

19:33

easy to get into a shouting match with Artie Lang. Like

19:35

I have to imagine. I appreciate Sans has no sympathy with

19:37

me the entire movie, but I feel like that's a situation

19:40

that's not that hard to get into, yeah. Yeah,

19:43

and so they go to book this cruise. Their

19:46

shouting match with Jessica Lang, harder to do. But

19:51

more intense once you get there. Oh, for sure.

19:53

Katie Lang, whew. Constant yelling.

19:55

I feel like I can say that. like

20:00

he'd just be apologizing back and forth. He

20:02

had a good match with Katie Lang. I'm

20:05

so sorry, no, I'm so sorry. Please, forgive

20:08

me. Yeah, so

20:10

they're trying to book a cruise with what

20:12

the agent calls the traditional three to one

20:14

female to male ratio. When

20:19

Will Ferrell enters to say to the

20:21

travel agent that their mother died. That's

20:24

kind of a funny bit. There is a funny that

20:26

goes, didn't you see the post-it note I left for

20:28

you? I

20:30

will say that because this is a comedy

20:32

professional who wrote for the Golden Girls for

20:35

many years, there are individual jokes in here

20:37

that do work, but they are

20:39

so poisoned by the well of boat

20:41

trip that I cannot find many of

20:43

them using. It's interesting for

20:45

me to think about where this was in Will

20:47

Ferrell's career because I was trying

20:49

to figure out, is this him as

20:52

a star doing a cameo or

20:54

is this him as an up and comer doing

20:56

a small role? And this is after Zoolander

20:59

came out, but it's before old school. And like,

21:01

so I wonder if he's kind of in that

21:03

middle ground. He's still an up and comer. This

21:05

movie was filmed in 2001, but

21:07

wasn't released until 2003. I'm assuming

21:10

while it was filming in 2001, that

21:12

was the reason the terrorists attacked 9-11

21:16

is because they were trying to shut down the

21:18

production of boat trip. Probably, yeah, they erroneously thought

21:20

it was happening at the World Trade Center and

21:23

not somewhere in Hollywood. Yeah. So

21:27

Ferrell scares off the agent who

21:30

runs off crying and that

21:32

agent was replaced by Artie Lang and they do

21:34

the exact same shouting match over

21:36

again, which

21:38

honestly I found kind of a funny beat just because

21:40

it's the same thing over again, but it could so

21:42

easily be eliminated because then Will Ferrell is like, could

21:45

you go away, I'll handle it. And

21:48

Will Ferrell books them. And

21:51

our heroes, question mark, heroes, and

21:55

we learned that Artie and Will are a couple.

22:00

and Artie's like, I can't believe you took

22:02

care of them. And Will ominously

22:04

says, oh, I took care of them all right.

22:07

What does this mean? We'll find out very soon. Or

22:10

in the trailer to Boat Trip, presumably. Yeah, yeah. Or

22:13

on the poster. I mean, no. No,

22:16

the poster. So the poster is,

22:19

it creates a real different concept.

22:22

I'm looking at it now, the poster for Boat Trip, the

22:24

one that's on Wikipedia anyway. The

22:26

tagline is singles cruise double trouble. And

22:28

it shows Cubicle getting junior shoulder

22:31

deep in water with the

22:33

K Fox and Rosalyn Sanchez. And then and

22:36

then a Horatio Sanchez behind them going like,

22:38

ah, and so the poster would lead

22:40

you to believe that

22:44

this is a love triangle on a cruise movie. Or

22:46

it's this guy has too many babes more than he

22:48

can handle. Like even the poster is like ashamed of

22:50

what the movie is about. I

22:52

would like to think it's that the movie poster was like,

22:55

the people wanting the poster were like, we cannot in good

22:57

conscience, advertise the premise of this movie. But

22:59

I bet it was more them be

23:01

well worrying that customers would not come to a

23:03

movie that felt too gay. That's

23:05

my worry. Sometimes you have to sell the

23:07

straight sizzle and not the gay steak, you

23:09

know? Yeah. Yeah. Or

23:11

the gay rotten liver in this case. Yeah, it's like

23:14

the trailers for Desert Hearts that made it seem about

23:16

a guy who works at a casino who can't get

23:18

the waitress to go out with it. Really?

23:23

No, not really, come on. There

23:25

was a character like that in the movie, but

23:27

you know. The original poster for the birdcage was

23:29

just them holding guns. They

23:35

photoshopped them in front of the bank, I don't understand.

23:37

Yeah. I thought the birdcage

23:39

was a bank they were knocking over. That's

23:42

where the teller is hiding. So

23:46

anyway, our protagonists arrive at the boat where

23:50

Horatio Sands creepily enthuses that the best

23:52

part of it is that on a

23:54

cruise, women can't get away from them.

23:56

Their options are them or drowning or

23:58

being eaten by sharks. And

24:00

at this point I consider calling the police on

24:02

boat trip. Again,

24:05

consent for suckers. Yeah,

24:08

the cops told me that I couldn't arrest

24:10

a movie that that's not, you know, not

24:12

that they didn't want to, but those clowns

24:15

in Congress wouldn't pass a law. There's no

24:17

law against being a bad movie. Yeah. Anyway,

24:21

the guys are very slow to wonder why

24:23

they're only men on this boat. They write

24:25

off some leather

24:27

dudes and assless pants

24:30

as Cirque du Soleil performers probably.

24:32

This is the first of the

24:34

many, the parade of kind of

24:36

like, this is a movie in the early

24:38

2000s, but the kind of like 80s or 70s, I feel like

24:40

level, like gay

24:42

stereotypes that it's like, gay guys, yeah,

24:45

they're probably all into leather and there's got to,

24:47

and they cannot not be in leather. Like they

24:50

have to. They want part of culture. Like it's

24:52

not like you would go to brunch in regular

24:54

clothes and then get into your sex clothes for

24:56

sex. You wear them all the time. Well, you

24:58

know, look on a cruise, I'm sure there are

25:00

people who, you know, they're making

25:02

it happen 24 seven. But

25:04

these movies do love to lump all

25:06

gay people together in that way. Yes.

25:09

So like, I always think of the

25:11

recurring blue oyster bar gag in

25:13

the police academy movies. Exactly. Where they're

25:15

like leather dudes, but they dance the

25:17

tango. Like it just, every sort of

25:20

like, eh, that seems fruity. Well, just

25:22

put it all in that one room,

25:24

you know, as though like we

25:26

all mingle together or we all like, you

25:30

know, pursue multiple fetishes at the

25:32

same time. You know, it's

25:34

so much work. It is a very

25:36

cartoony, you know, idea of how this stuff

25:39

works. It'd be like if they showed, you

25:42

know, Stewart like

25:44

with a barbell in one hand and

25:46

like delicately painting a Warhammer figure in

25:48

the other hand, like pick a lane.

25:51

Unrealistic and it happened one person. Oh

25:53

Stewart's stuff, man. I'm glad that it

25:55

includes such multitudes. On

25:57

your other podcast, you would have to say iffy.

26:00

but luckily you just swap names on

26:02

that one. Yeah, how comforting is it

26:04

to- You're basically interchangeable. You have

26:06

the same birthday, it's wild. I

26:08

know. That's crazy. Really? Yeah, yeah. And

26:11

that's why I'm just like Garfield. Yeah.

26:18

Anyway. Your voice by Chris Pratt? Yeah.

26:21

Yeah, yeah. Everybody is now. That's

26:23

why everyone's turned against me lately. Yeah, I

26:25

feel like that's like the modern version of

26:27

the Matrix where Agent Smith is turning everybody

26:29

into Agent Smiths like Chris Pratt is turning

26:31

everyone into Chris Pratt. Every idea is coming

26:34

Chris Pratt. The simulating all the cartoon characters.

26:37

Dan, are you excited about the new Sherlock Holmes

26:39

animated movie they announced with Chris Pratt and Sherlock

26:41

Holmes? Is there one? Is that an actual thing?

26:43

No, it would be pretty funny if there was.

26:45

I heard Dan's fucking heartbreak when you said that.

26:47

It did a little bit. Dan, they figured out Sherlock Holmes

26:49

would be better if he was a slacker loser. People

26:53

have asked me this before and my answer about Sherlock

26:55

Holmes is like, I actually do whatever

26:57

the fuck you want with Sherlock Holmes because

26:59

there's so many versions of him out there

27:01

that like is not gonna bother me. That

27:03

I have my version of the character. You

27:05

can have yours. I don't know, Dan. Considering

27:07

you did a presentation about

27:09

Sherlock Holmes in England recently, where you

27:11

seem to take real issue with the

27:13

real Ghostbusters version of Sherlock Holmes. Well,

27:17

just because they left Winston

27:19

football with their signatures

27:22

on it. Granted, the

27:24

real Ghostbusters had been playing football earlier

27:27

in the episode. So that's why the

27:29

football reoccurred, but I don't know why

27:31

that has to be what Holmes and

27:33

Watson sign as a memento of their

27:35

encounter. Anyway,

27:40

so they're on the boat. They're reading all of

27:42

the stuff that's available to them on the cruise.

27:44

Yeah, you'll welcome back it. Yeah, they only get.

27:47

They start getting suspicious around the time they get

27:49

to chest waxing is one of the things that

27:52

can be done. But

27:55

their fears are swayed by- Because only gay men

27:57

groom. Straight men are supposed to keep

27:59

their bodies in it. in a natural state of

28:01

discussion. That was the time where- In that

28:03

year, probably. Yeah, like around that time, if

28:05

you took showers, you were considered a metrosexual.

28:07

Yeah. There

28:10

is to this day, an entire

28:12

school of men's grooming that you

28:14

will only buy like an exfoliating

28:16

pad or a deodorant stick if

28:18

it comes packaged to look like

28:20

fishing tackle or dynamite. Yeah, like

28:23

brass knuckles. Thank

28:26

you to our sponsor, Manscaping.

28:29

Manscaping rules. We

28:31

don't believe this, Dan. We don't believe it.

28:33

We're all about grooming ourselves, removing hair, removing

28:36

scents, removing fingernails if we have to.

28:39

No, no, I'm just joking about the fact that

28:41

they needed to put man in the title. Although

28:43

it is- I mean, Manscaping could

28:45

very easily be a gay product as

28:47

well. A genderless product. Man is not

28:50

a hetero word. Yes, anyone can use

28:52

it. Their

28:54

fears are swayed- Except for women, it says

28:56

man right there in the title. Sorry, ladies. Their

28:59

fears are swayed by the entrance of

29:02

their neighbor, a Hector in drag and

29:04

sans dances around with Hector a bit.

29:06

So this is one

29:08

of many situations where people are able

29:10

to just enter other people's stay rooms

29:13

without a key or anything. And

29:15

I mean, I don't know if they've changed cruise

29:17

ship technology significantly, but I don't think you can

29:19

just do that, right? Only

29:21

on gay cruises, because we have no sense

29:24

of boundaries. Sure. Thank

29:27

you. Yeah, that was the thing about

29:29

this that really, even

29:32

on a hetero

29:34

sex cruise, even if like, presume,

29:37

I know it's hard to believe, presume

29:39

that the makers of Boat Trip are

29:42

homophobic and hold

29:45

bad incorrect views about gay

29:48

people. But on

29:50

a hetero sex cruise, they

29:53

wouldn't have no locks on anything. And

29:55

people wouldn't just be wandering in all

29:58

over the place, like any sort of. whether

30:01

it be gay or not gay,

30:03

there are still, yes. Dan's

30:05

pitching his own sex cruise. There are clearly

30:08

scheduled orgy moments and then there's a break.

30:11

You need boundaries. You need boundaries even in a

30:14

sexual relationship. Yeah. Dan,

30:16

I think they were hoping the audience would

30:19

be so distracted by the over the top

30:21

Latin stereotype that we're watching that they wouldn't

30:23

even think about those things. So

30:27

at the bar, one of the bars on

30:29

the boat, they meet Roger Moore and I

30:31

perk up a little bit just because Roger

30:33

Moore's on screen. Yeah, fresh

30:35

off of Spice World. If anyone leaves this

30:37

movie with their dignity intact,

30:40

it's Roger Moore. He's the only

30:42

one, I feel like. In fact, I feel like he's

30:44

the one character, the one actor in the movie who

30:46

is borderline not embarrassing

30:48

himself constantly, but I

30:51

don't know. I mean, the material is terrible. He's

30:53

committing to the bit, but when you make this

30:55

guy lick a breakfast sausage, it's like

30:57

that is true. He's the

30:59

only guy who can do that terrible, not funny

31:02

bit. And when it's over, I'm like, well, he's

31:04

a professional. Look, he's gonna do what they tell

31:06

him to do. He's

31:08

thinking it was like, I'm in a carry

31:10

on movie, basically. The

31:12

material he's given is terrible, but somehow he

31:16

seems untouched by it in a

31:18

weird way. Maybe it's just me

31:20

remembering how funny it is in Spice

31:22

World and having the fumes of that since

31:24

we watched that recently. Anyway,

31:26

he touts how much sex is on

31:28

the cruise. He says that they must

31:30

visit the hole in one range where

31:32

the chaps swing some very large clubs.

31:35

You don't forget what I said. Yeah,

31:37

yeah, that's a level of double entendre, fit

31:42

for a big Johnson t-shirt. And

31:45

this is what I love. It's like a

31:47

child wrote what they thought was a sexy

31:49

joke. The

31:52

double entendres are about to end. And I

31:54

love this. So he asked if they have

31:56

an open relationship, then invites them on

31:58

a midnight swim to do. to whatever feels right

32:01

saying then, that is what

32:03

a gay cruise is all about, which is clunky

32:05

dialogue for him to just say it that way.

32:08

But I was glad that someone told them directly

32:10

because these two duperces couldn't go on through the

32:13

whole movie without realizing that they were on a

32:15

gay cruise. I feel like that would have been

32:17

funnier if at no point they actually realized it.

32:19

It would be funnier if they were on this

32:22

cruise, had sex with men, left

32:24

the cruise, went home, never realizing it was a

32:26

gay cruise or what was going on. And then

32:28

the movie ended with them being like, that was

32:30

a fun cruise. And them never being so oblivious

32:33

to everything that's happened around them. Our friends was

32:35

right, cruises are really fun. Under the closing credits,

32:37

like showing slides of the trip and having people

32:39

be like, you realize you were on a gay

32:41

cruise, like what, no. Of course we

32:43

weren't. Yeah,

32:46

so the other shoe is dropped

32:49

and Horatio Sands freaks out

32:51

and Cubicleton Jr. faints

32:53

from the absolute horror of

32:56

probably being at the best

32:58

party they've ever been to in their lives. Yeah.

33:01

So the next piece. Yeah. This

33:03

is a very, this is very, also

33:06

feels like a strange thing to have in

33:08

2002, 2003. Like

33:11

a movie where straight men are, they act as if

33:13

they're on like a boat filled

33:16

with monsters for a moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I

33:18

mean, like they find out everyone's a werewolf. Yeah.

33:21

Will and Grace was on the air at this

33:23

point. You know, like we can't pretend like this

33:25

is, you know, the 1982 or something, not

33:29

that it would have been forgivable

33:31

then either, but yeah, the level

33:33

of hysteria. And all I

33:35

kept thinking of was there's a thing that

33:37

goes around the internet every so often where

33:40

people say the straight men who are the

33:42

most upset about gay people are

33:44

the ones who realize that, who

33:47

think that gay men are gonna treat them

33:49

the way they treat women. And

33:51

seeing how we have treated, how

33:54

we've seen Horatio Sohansa and Kubo

33:56

Gooding Jr's characters treat women, I

33:58

guess that's a valid fear. on

34:00

their behalf. I guess. Yeah,

34:02

that's a good point. I also think on

34:04

some level, I think this movie is pretty

34:06

good for representation because up to

34:08

this point, usually when there's gay characters

34:11

in movies, they're like dressed well, they're

34:13

well spoken, they're a little bit fabulous, but I

34:16

feel like the vast majority of people on this

34:18

cruise dress like shit. This is a super norm

34:20

core gay cruise. We can be anonymous dollars too.

34:26

These are rainbows too, yeah, you're right. The

34:28

rainbow styles tastes, yeah. Some

34:31

dumb shenanigans where they get angry and roll in the

34:33

bed together. That's true. Somebody walks

34:35

in and assumes that they're in bed

34:37

together, even though they're clearly angry and

34:39

fully close. Yeah, I don't know, Ellen,

34:41

have you ever done that before? As

34:43

a Ellen, don't splat your mind. Okay,

34:45

fair point, yeah. I've never had fight

34:47

sex before where you're battling each other.

34:50

There is, but it is a- Don't knock it till

34:52

you tried it, baby. That's

34:55

another old fashioned joke where if two

34:57

human beings are having any sort of

34:59

physical contact and someone walks in, it

35:01

must be sexual in their minds. The

35:04

same way that like noises off where someone's helping

35:06

someone out with a zipper and it's like, oh,

35:09

this must be a blow job situation. It doesn't

35:11

really make sense for these two characters to be

35:13

in a blow job situation, but I have to

35:15

assume that's the case. They're on a gay cruise

35:18

without door locks, all right? Everything is suspicious. Yeah,

35:20

that's true. Do you think all the rooms on

35:22

every deck connect at like one long court, like

35:24

it's the back rooms kind of? Everything just kind

35:27

of connects in one long apocalyptic corridor of open

35:29

doors. And it all

35:31

leads to the driving range. There's

35:34

a brief montage of them. The ship is somehow

35:36

larger on the inside than on the outside. It's

35:40

a gay TARDIS. There's a brief montage of

35:42

them not enjoying the

35:45

entertainment on this cruise, which of course makes

35:47

sense. Because if there's one area that gay

35:49

people historically have not excelled in, they're not

35:51

gonna be able to do their arts, cabaret

35:53

style performances. They

35:55

don't know how to do it. Cuba is

35:57

so drunk and despondent, he falls into the

35:59

pool. pool hits his head. I gotta say

36:01

this is the first time we see one

36:03

of our, let's say

36:06

our three leads, him, Cuba

36:08

Gooden Jr., Horatio Sains and Vivica

36:10

Fox. They all have a scene where they

36:12

get very drunk. And in every case, I'm

36:14

like, this person has never been drunk before

36:16

in their life. Because they are behaving wild.

36:18

Like he has regressed to like childhood at

36:21

this point. He's like stomping around like an

36:23

angry baby. And I have spent a lot

36:25

of time around drunk people. And I have

36:28

very rarely seen this kind of behavior.

36:30

Yeah, that's a good point. Well,

36:33

he is rescued by the- Has Cuba Gooden Jr. ever

36:35

been in your bar? Yeah. I hope

36:37

not. He's a fan. He

36:41

was before he is now. He's

36:44

rescued by Gabriella, who

36:47

we will later learn is the

36:49

ship's dance instructor. Meanwhile,

36:53

Sands is so upset he's

36:55

on this cruise. And this

36:58

is Rosalind Sanchez from your favorite show,

37:00

Without a Trace. I'm surprised you mentioned

37:02

that. Without a Trace about people

37:05

who vanish, one presumes,

37:08

Without a Trace. Oh wow. I have contact swings over

37:10

here. I talk like somebody who's seen every episode. Yeah,

37:12

Sands is so distressed

37:14

by- Oh, so it's also on your other favorite show,

37:17

Devious Maids. Devious

37:19

Maids? Yeah. There's so much more

37:21

entertaining than straightforward maids. Devious Maids

37:23

are devious. They move all your

37:25

stuff. I gotta say, that's a

37:27

fucking good name. It is a

37:29

good name. I

37:32

know you can hire like a naked housekeeper,

37:34

but do people advertise as I'm a devious

37:36

housekeeper? I

37:39

mean, I would be in for it, because I'm a

37:41

fucking, I'm a fiend for drama, baby. I've

37:43

switched out all of your clothes for one size

37:46

smaller every time of year. I

37:48

will do the laundry. I will change the

37:50

sheets. I won't do windows. I will put

37:52

a crocodile in your closet when you least

37:54

expect it. I love

37:56

it. This maid's devious. I will seduce your fiance. Sands

38:01

is so distressed by

38:03

being on this cruise, he shoots a

38:05

flare up in the air to try

38:07

and get the attention of a helicopter,

38:09

only to hit the helicopter, which crashes

38:11

into the water. At this point, later

38:15

on, we find out that they survived, but at this

38:17

point, like, did you just kill people? Yeah, I was

38:19

kind of hoping that was gonna be the plot, the

38:21

rest of the plot of the movie, it's been desperate,

38:24

like, talented Mr. Ripley-ing his way through life, trying to

38:26

not get busted for this. Yeah, you know, or Plauro

38:28

shows up on the boat. Someone on here shot a

38:30

flare in the helicopter, and he's like, yeah. He's gonna

38:32

pin the murder on Roger Moore. Yeah. Only

38:36

one of us has a license to kill. Ooh,

38:39

yeah. So, yeah,

38:42

you know, Cuba gets returned

38:44

to his room by Gabriela, he's

38:46

all drunk, Sands is ranting and raving, Cuba

38:49

falls on top of Sands, making Gabriela, of

38:51

course, again, oh, you know, they

38:54

can't keep their hands off each other. There's

38:56

so much. Anyway. They're gonna put history

38:58

together when they're not in bed. So, you know that they

39:00

also, they can't keep their hands off each other, yeah.

39:03

There are a lot of scenes, like the

39:05

next one, where Roger Moore comes on to raise

39:07

your Sands at breakfast, where I'm like, Roger,

39:10

you could do better than this guy. What are you doing? The

39:14

joke, I think, is that he is

39:16

what is colloquially known as a chubby

39:18

chaser, and they're basically, and if that

39:20

is the case, they are recycling a

39:23

joke from the Ritz, the

39:26

Terrence McNally farce, which was turned into a

39:28

film by Richard Lester, where I believe

39:31

it's F. Marie Abraham plays a character

39:33

who spends the entire movie trying to

39:35

nab Jack Weston, who is actually a

39:37

mobster who is hiding out in a

39:39

gay bathhouse. And that character

39:42

was Sally Airy, right? That's a character,

39:44

right? Twist. He's

39:47

mad because Mozart gets much hotter, guys.

39:50

I feel like I haven't. And he barely tries,

39:52

and they fall into his lap. What's his secret?

39:55

I've definitely seen clips from the Ritz, but I

39:57

don't think I've seen the whole movie. Ritz clips.

39:59

Yeah, it's better than

40:01

this one. I've seen, it's

40:04

amazing how sometimes like a piece of merchandising will

40:06

outlast the original movie because they still sell Ritz

40:08

crackers in the grocery stores. Yeah, it's wild, you

40:10

know. If you haven't seen it, we

40:13

should put on the Ritz. Oh, okay, why not? Now,

40:18

this is a, I think,

40:20

Alonzo, that seems like a very merciful

40:22

reading of what's going on. It feels to

40:24

me like the fear of any

40:27

of these kind of hetero guys in movies is

40:29

always that gay men will instantly be,

40:31

will not be able to let them go, will be

40:33

so attracted to them. And that's, and it feels like

40:35

there's, it's some of that joke too, but it's hard

40:37

to tell. And as Horatio's

40:39

already told us, there's nowhere for him to go.

40:42

Oh yeah, that's right. Oh, again, great writing. The hunters become the

40:44

hunters. He set up a problem and now he's, he was the

40:46

cat and now he's the mouse. He's hoisted

40:49

his own petard and not in

40:51

the sexy way. Yeah,

40:55

I don't know what the code for,

40:57

what petard is code for. They don't

40:59

even have a handkerchief that color. You

41:02

boys should really go down to the petard hoisting

41:04

room. It's quite a fun time. And so ironic.

41:07

You did bring your own hoist, right? So

41:12

at this point, Cuba is convinced he's in

41:14

love with Gabrielle, even though he's essentially been

41:17

unconscious all the time he's known her. Meanwhile,

41:20

She is the other beautiful woman in the movie. So

41:22

he has to fall in love with her right away. Meanwhile,

41:25

there are a bunch of bikini

41:27

women who have been rescued from the

41:29

sea. Turns out they're from the

41:31

crashed helicopter. I

41:34

wish, I so wish the way you described it, Dan, it made

41:36

it seem like they got caught in a tuna net. And it

41:38

had to be cut out of the net. I

41:40

so wish it was something like that. Yeah,

41:43

they're mermaids in full human form. No,

41:47

they're essentially the Swedish bikini

41:49

team, I guess. If there's

41:52

some kind of off-brand Swedish bikini team. Exactly. Was

41:55

that ever a real thing or was it just a

41:57

beer? It's a competitive suntan thing. Oh, that's right. In

41:59

the movie. The Swedish Fusumi

42:01

team was, yeah, it was

42:03

a real thing. Were they like

42:05

special forces for Sweden? What is, do they have

42:07

a car wash? Yeah, I

42:10

mean they existed. Well, what's their goal? Yeah.

42:14

Are you like asking if Spuds McKenzie was a

42:16

real thing? Well, the best question, Spuds McKenzie was

42:18

not a real competitive surfing dog,

42:20

you know. The

42:23

Olympic committee is still not committed on this

42:25

front. Yeah, yeah. I mean, if breakdancing can

42:27

be an Olympic event, why not dog surfing?

42:29

Wow. Throw your shade to

42:31

breakdancing. I'm actually very excited about the breakdancing

42:34

competition in this year's Olympics. I think it's

42:36

gonna be really good. So

42:38

Sans decides instead of,

42:40

he's creeping all over these girls, instead

42:42

of saying like

42:45

he's heterosexual to hit on them, he's

42:47

gonna pretend to be gay for a

42:49

while so he can see them topless

42:52

and massage tanning oil into them. Yeah,

42:54

it makes sense. Again, one

42:56

of our supposed heroes of this film. Dan,

42:59

do you wanna talk about the part where he pretends

43:02

he's having an orgasm so he can squirt sun

43:05

tan lotion like Jizz over the back of him?

43:07

I don't wanna talk about it. I'm glad you-

43:09

Do you wanna talk about that? Yeah, and he

43:11

does this like pretend O face, which was confusing

43:13

for me because as I've told you guys over

43:15

and over, when I orgasm, I say, oh my

43:18

God, like Janice from Friends every time. That's how

43:20

you did say that. Dan, do you wanna mention

43:22

how it's shot from below as if you are

43:24

the prone victim of Horatio Sans's

43:27

sex? I don't wanna talk about any

43:29

of it, but unfortunately I have to talk about what happens

43:31

next. And then his ejaculate for some reason smells like coconut.

43:34

It's because of his diet. Diet, yeah, exactly. His

43:38

erection is spotted- It also comes out with

43:41

a kind of ketchup bottle squirt sound, which

43:43

is, you should talk to a doctor if

43:45

that's happening. I don't think that when I

43:47

introduce the words his erection, any interruption is

43:49

allowed. That we didn't get a like sport

43:51

sound effect like the old Batman TV show,

43:54

was this movie's idea of restraint? Yeah, that's

43:56

true, that's a good point. His

43:59

erection is spotted- Hey, Dan, what do you

44:01

think it sounds like when Don Martin cartoon characters

44:03

ejaculate? Like, what's the sound effect of that? I

44:05

mean, I think you said, does it splort? It

44:07

would splort, but we want to like, flub of

44:10

the flub of the splort, something like that. Now,

44:13

damn, I miss my calling being

44:15

like a Don Martin, aping, like,

44:17

erotic artist. No, is that what

44:19

we're talking about? Chester Bestertester or

44:21

like Captain Clark? Wait, guys. I

44:24

don't wanna go online and Google

44:26

Mr. Phonebone in comics, but I

44:28

just had a million dollar idea.

44:30

That is orgasm. If it's

44:32

related to Don Martin cartoons, it's probably not a

44:34

million dollar idea. Well, that

44:36

was an ironic description anyway. Orgasm

44:40

sound board. It's the

44:42

sound board, like, when you have an orgasm, you can

44:44

reach over and do like a wacky sound. I guarantee

44:46

you something like that exists, Dan. You can sell that

44:48

shit to like every shock shock in America. I was

44:50

gonna say, I think Morning Zoo Crews are way ahead

44:52

of you on this. That does remind me, I may

44:55

have talked about this before in the podcast, don't remember.

44:57

My old coworker, James Don, who I worked with at

44:59

the Daily Show, how he used to, he would

45:01

set his, when I worked with him and a couple other

45:03

people in one big room, he would set his

45:05

computer to play an audio track of sex sounds he

45:08

had found, and then an audio track of fart sounds

45:10

he had found, and then just leave the room and

45:13

leave these playing at the same time.

45:15

Jimmy, he's smelling a little, has he scrun older,

45:17

but yeah. He's always funny every time. I mean,

45:20

yeah, but it was always a good way to

45:22

disrupt everybody else's work. I wanna make it

45:25

clear, this sound board though would

45:27

not be for radio use, this would be for actual

45:29

sexual use. No, for personal use. Oh, yeah, yeah. No,

45:31

for personal use. For actual use. During the act of

45:33

coitus. During the act of love. Yeah, okay, now that

45:35

makes sense. Well, that reminds me of a Reddit board

45:37

that I saw once, that I threw it, that I

45:39

was directed to where, it was very touching. This guy

45:41

was writing about how his fantasy of having sex with

45:43

a clown, and everyone was kind of like encouraging him.

45:45

They were like, you should do this, you should do this. And then

45:48

a couple weeks later, he wrote about, he met

45:50

someone through the Reddit board, she made his fantasy

45:52

come true, and she set it up so there were all

45:54

these little surprises, and when he came at the end, she

45:57

had a tiny cream pie that she put in his face. A

45:59

tiny. And everyone was like, that's great, that's

46:01

great. It was such a heartwarming story. I

46:04

want that. I hope there's

46:06

a bicycle horn in here somewhere. There must have

46:08

been. God, you have done so much for others.

46:11

Why did you keep the big shoes on? I

46:13

have so many questions. With so

46:15

many things on the internet, this could just

46:17

be bullshit, but I want to believe. But

46:19

I'd like to believe that dreams do come

46:21

true occasionally. Yeah, anyway, back to, I don't

46:24

wanna say this, but back to Horatio Sands's

46:26

erection, it is spotted by

46:28

Lenche, the muscular

46:32

coach of the bikini team.

46:35

And she beats him up for

46:38

creeping on the team. This was farther than I

46:40

thought the movie would go, frankly, was to have

46:42

a character, to have her literally point at his

46:44

erection through his pants and be like, what's that

46:46

all about? And he goes, I saw that hot

46:48

guy over there, that's why. I did

46:50

not think we were gonna have a joke where you actually

46:52

see someone's erection through their pants. But both trips are all

46:54

about pushing down, it's like John Waters that way. Does

46:58

she slap it like Josh O'Connor and Mike Feist? Phone

47:01

challengers? I

47:03

wanna pause on Lenche for a moment,

47:06

because I think she is a legend.

47:08

She deserves much better. This movie maligns

47:10

in a terrible way. She made her

47:12

screen debut in Hester Street, like one

47:14

of the great indie films of the

47:16

1970s. And in

47:18

the Insidious series, she has really gotten

47:21

the real estate to create this amazing

47:23

character, and I'm such a huge fan

47:25

of her. And I died

47:27

a little inside every time she

47:29

appears in this movie and they

47:31

humiliate her with such relish.

47:35

Yeah, I texted Stu and Elliott saying that this

47:37

movie needs to apologize

47:39

to Lenche. I mean, it needs to apologize

47:42

to many people. Humanity in general. The whole

47:44

world, yeah. Especially Lenche. I feel

47:46

like some of the blame can be laid

47:48

at the feet of the Fairly Brothers, because

47:50

didn't they use her in a similar type

47:53

of situation in Kingpin? And there's

47:55

something about Mary. Yeah,

47:57

and she's game. Like she literally. They're

48:00

going with it and committing to the

48:02

bit, but the bit is rancid. It's

48:04

terrible. By the time later when she

48:06

is deep throating a baseball bat, you

48:08

know, it's like, but

48:10

she, similar to Roger Moore, I feel like

48:12

she gets out of this with her dignity

48:14

intact because she's so committed to it, that

48:16

you feel like you're seeing a performer doing

48:18

the role rather than, Q.E.B.E. and

48:21

Junior and Rachel Sands are so half-assed that you're like,

48:23

is this what they're like? Are they really not jerks?

48:26

And I should mention, this is, well,

48:28

then Jay's amazing, but this is the third movie she's been

48:30

in that we've covered on The Flophouse. Wow. What are the

48:32

other two? I mean, one was Critters. Okay.

48:36

And one was a good movie. Well, that was a good movie. And she's

48:38

also, she has a small part in Brain Smash or a love story. Also,

48:41

not that bad. So those were both movies that we

48:43

kind of liked to

48:45

a certain extent, so. Maybe we'll go three

48:47

for three, stay tuned. Yeah. Yeah,

48:51

I think this is where, this is where Ms. Jay's were

48:53

run. And streak ends. We didn't even

48:56

mention the fact that this is a

48:58

movie that is not available normally in

49:00

any fashion. You can only find it

49:02

on YouTube with the, that has the

49:04

subtitle, what greatest comedy movie

49:06

ever? Is that it? This is like O-Trip greatest

49:08

comedy movie ever. It was uploaded by just a

49:10

random person. I could only, we were looking for

49:12

this and I could only find, the only way

49:15

to watch it other than buying an old DVD

49:17

of it, I guess, is to go on YouTube

49:19

and look for that up, or there's a German

49:21

dubbed version that's on. Actually, that would be really

49:23

great. Daily motion or something. And that, and otherwise

49:25

this movie is unavailable on

49:28

YouTube, it's a stream. It's been disappeared. On

49:30

feature platforms. And I have a theory. This

49:32

movie was produced by Brad Cravoix and his

49:34

company, Motion Picture Corporation of America, who

49:36

currently makes like those innocuous Hallmark-like Christmas

49:38

movies on Netflix and produces the hit

49:40

Hallmark series, When Calls the Heart, which

49:43

is like the happiest thing on television.

49:45

So I think maybe he's a little

49:47

embarrassed that this is part of his

49:49

past. Just a theory. I don't know

49:51

anything, but I just, I know that

49:53

it is not. You don't know anything

49:56

about Hallmark movies or Christmas movies. I

49:58

have to say, I don't know. if

50:00

Mr. Cravoy embraces the

50:03

multitudes he contains or not, but

50:05

this is definitely not what he's about now. Yeah,

50:08

yeah, yeah. So

50:10

later on in the ship casino,

50:13

Sans for some reason is convinced

50:15

that gay men can't gamble and

50:18

he's gonna clean up and- If

50:20

this is a stereotype I've never heard, that

50:23

gay men are bad at poker. I've never, I've

50:25

never, and there's no, they don't even make

50:27

any double entendre jokes about poke or anything like

50:29

that. Well, the Lady

50:31

Gaga song hadn't been recorded yet, so people

50:33

didn't know that we were actually, you know.

50:35

Amazing at it. And there's a moment in

50:38

here where- It's

50:40

amazing that people who, through no

50:42

fault of their own, often have to hide a

50:44

major aspect of their lives in this world, that

50:46

they're good at keeping a straight face playing cards.

50:48

Amazing, how can you not know? Gays know how

50:51

to bluff, what? There's

50:54

a moment in here where Jerry,

50:57

Cubie Gooden Jr.'s character wants

51:00

him to promise that he won't act like a

51:02

homophobe neanderthal. And I'm like, you're the

51:05

guy who fainted when you realized you're

51:07

on a gay cruise. Like, this is

51:09

a real turnaround to you to suddenly

51:11

be like, now let's be sensitive. Hold

51:13

on, yeah. Be progressive like me. Yeah,

51:15

the movie remembered that he was supposed to be the

51:17

nice guy. Because this is, I imagine the people making

51:20

this movie thought, like, we'll

51:22

get to Hector's heartfelt speech later, but they

51:25

thought they were making, I assume, a progressive

51:28

movie. The same way this movie

51:30

was, it lost the Razzie for

51:32

a worst movie, for worst director

51:34

and worst actor to Geely, another

51:37

movie that thinks it is saying

51:39

something progressive, but in actuality is

51:41

not. Yeah, this

51:43

is the kind of movie that thinks, well, we're

51:46

not advocating the gay men be rounded up and

51:48

shot in the street. So like, where's my GLAAD

51:50

award? You know? Yeah, the- I would

51:52

love it if they had a huge GLAAD award campaign. Yeah,

51:56

well, I mean, the character arc for them

51:58

is like, oh, gay men. in our

52:01

people. Like, wow.

52:03

Actual human beings with souls. Yeah,

52:05

well, we'll get to it later on,

52:08

but like the most charitable viewing

52:10

of this movie, one that I do not hold,

52:13

but like. I mean, the most charitable viewing is

52:15

if you screened it for

52:17

like some sort of benefit for GLAAD or something like

52:19

that. That's very charitable. No, I don't think that would

52:21

be. Look how far we've gone. Yeah, exactly. I

52:23

think that would be a very uncharitable thing to

52:25

do with people there. I mean, you don't, the

52:27

money goes to GLAAD. No members of the organization

52:29

have to watch the movie. And before the movie,

52:31

you get like Orville Peck to come on to

52:33

play some songs. There you go. Make a whole

52:35

night of it. Could the

52:37

benefit we throw away a copy of Boat Trip? I

52:41

mean, I will say, when the other

52:43

online movie people, when they destroyed all

52:45

those copies of Nuki, I was like,

52:48

that's a bad movie, but that's like, I don't like

52:50

the idea of destroying physical pieces of art. If you

52:52

destroyed every copy of Boat Trip, I'd be fine. Like,

52:54

there's no reason this needs to exist. Just burn them

52:57

all. Those who

52:59

forget the past, man. That's true. It's like

53:01

it's a Confederate statue. You keep one in

53:03

a museum so people can remember the

53:06

mistakes, yeah. Okay, well, you've successfully almost

53:08

made me forget my point, but it was

53:10

that the most charitable viewing, again, one I

53:12

do not hold would be like, we

53:15

are slipping in this message of tolerance in

53:18

a form that the biggest

53:20

doofuses would be receptive to

53:22

it. So we put it. Let's

53:24

make the movie Homophobes would find funny and then we'll

53:26

slip in a message and they'll walk out changed.

53:28

Yes, but unfortunately, it's

53:30

Boat Trip. It's horrible. So

53:35

anyway, Sans, of course,

53:37

does terribly at poker, but he is connecting

53:39

with these men through the

53:41

shared masculine language of poker. So maybe

53:43

that'll help him change

53:46

his mind. At one point- And isn't one of the people he's

53:48

playing poker with is the slob part

53:50

of the brain from Herman's head, right? Yes, it

53:53

is. Yeah. And

53:55

I believe they're the dealer who at one point calls

53:58

three-card Monty, which is not- It's

54:00

a poker variant, it is

54:03

a street scam, but Cuba

54:07

finally finds Gabriella and

54:10

immediately falls into the pool again. Garantree

54:15

laughs every time. There's nothing funnier than falling

54:17

in a pool. It wasn't even in the

54:19

script. Boat trip understood it, it's a wonderful

54:21

life understood it. People falling in pools, funny.

54:25

Sunset Boulevard understands it. Especially if they

54:27

do it three times. Sans

54:30

finds- Every joke is funnier three times.

54:33

Finds Inga from the bikini team, who

54:36

because she is Swedish

54:39

and loose in her morals, Sans,

54:42

he's like, it's my

54:44

understanding from your films that you'll just have sex

54:46

with anyone, basically, is what he says, and

54:48

she's like, yeah, if you were straight, I totally

54:50

would. And he's like, yeah, I'm straight. So

54:53

they're gonna have sex. And this

54:55

is Miss World Sweden, Victoria Silvestat.

54:58

His name I always think is Silverstat, but it's not.

55:02

And mind you, the idea that Horatio

55:04

Sans has watched a lot of Swedish

55:06

erotica feels like a joke from 1973.

55:10

Like this was 2002, Americans

55:12

were making plenty of pornography at that

55:14

point. You didn't have to sit through

55:17

all of I Am Curious Yellow's political

55:19

diatribes to see some penetration. He's

55:22

like, the Mondo Connie

55:24

sauna scenes, I believe

55:26

that. I

55:29

have a bunch of vinegar syndrome schoolgirl

55:31

reports that I've been watching. I

55:33

watched Bergman's Summer with Monica and. It's

55:36

led me to believe. I think a

55:39

lot of this is, you have to lay at

55:41

the feet of Mort Nathan,

55:43

I assume. He is

55:45

working off the frame of reference of an older person

55:48

who's making this movie. They made him cut all the

55:50

Nixon jokes. But

55:53

while Sans is busy buying condoms, Lynche

55:56

as the coach comes in. An actual

55:58

funny joke by the way. Describe

56:01

the joke, tell us about the joke. Okay,

56:03

Horatio Sands goes into the shop on the

56:05

cruise ship and says, do you guys have

56:07

any condoms? And every single person in the

56:09

scene, customer and clerk alike, pulls out a

56:11

different kind of condom. Because you know what,

56:13

it was 2002 and gays

56:15

were all wearing them a lot. Even

56:20

that funny joke has an undercurrent of tragedy. I

56:23

mean, sure, but I mean, so does this movie.

56:25

Yeah, fair point, fair, yeah. Lynne

56:28

Shay is like, you can't be trusted in this

56:30

room with a minibar Inga, because you eat too

56:32

much to be on this bikini

56:34

team, which led to a scene I never

56:36

expected to see, which is Lynne Shay grabbing

56:40

Victoria Silvestret's bikini butt

56:43

over and over calling her fatty as she pushes her out

56:45

of the room. Oh, cool, yeah, that's a cool, another

56:48

layer of bad messaging of this movie. Okay,

56:53

so. The movie gets its way, the Lynne Shay scenes,

56:55

I feel like the movie reaches a heightened

56:58

level of kind of like extreme,

57:01

I don't know exactly how to put it. It

57:03

feels like in those moments, the movie gets like

57:05

harsher and weirder and rougher in a way that

57:07

I did not expect from a studio. I don't

57:09

feel safe now. Yes, yeah. And if

57:11

this was a, if there's a movie, I feel

57:13

like there's a movie where Lynne Shay is doing that

57:15

same character and that same performance, but the whole movie

57:18

is pitched that way. And it's a very camp movie,

57:20

for lack of a better word, and that would make

57:22

more sense to me. It feels like she's doing a

57:24

camp role in a movie that is not a camp

57:26

movie. Well, yeah, like they can't decide, is she the

57:29

sort of like traditional, dikey

57:31

coach that's like tormenting all

57:34

of her young charges or

57:36

is she a horny old

57:38

broad? And like, it's whatever she

57:41

needs to be in the moment

57:43

to do something that is offensive

57:45

or outrageous. Yes. And so

57:47

they're just kind of just stringing along these, as

57:50

with everything else in this movie, a bunch of

57:52

dumb stereotypes in the thought

57:54

that anyone is gonna find this amusing. I

57:57

did find that very confusing because it was like, okay,

57:59

so this is. which is very much a

58:01

butch lesbian stereotype. And yet she's

58:04

also like chasing Horatio Sands. Like,

58:07

you know, she's in a Tex Avery cartoon

58:09

or something. If the movie had been about

58:13

Horatio Sands, he has, before

58:15

he gets on the trip, he's like, oh,

58:18

I'll get some new sunblock. He accidentally picks

58:20

up radioactive sunblock from a laboratory experiment. The

58:22

ax body spray people have been doing. Like

58:25

the attractiveness level of this body spray, this sunblock

58:27

is just too powerful. We can't let out

58:29

in the public, but it gets out by accident

58:31

like a inner space type scenario. And now everyone

58:34

is chasing after him. That's a, you know, that would make

58:36

more sense. And it's maybe it's a cut scene. Yeah,

58:39

yeah, it's probably cut out. And that's why Lee Shea and

58:41

Roger Moore can't keep their eyes off him, you know? And

58:44

there's also a smarter movie in

58:46

which it turns out that all

58:48

of Horatio Sands's egregious skirt chasing

58:51

is a cover for his own

58:53

nascent homosexuality that he discovers while

58:55

taking the boat trip, but nobody

58:57

wanted to make that movie, at

59:00

least not this crowd. The

59:02

movie faints at that briefly. It faints in

59:04

that direction. Yeah, not the way Cuba Gooding

59:06

Jr. fainted, but it seems like it's gonna

59:09

be that movie. And then the movie is like, I

59:11

don't think so. Wait,

59:13

is this one he goes back to

59:15

his friends, like his new friend's

59:17

room? I'll tell you exactly where we are

59:19

in the plot, Stuart. Thank you for redirecting us.

59:22

Dan's the captain of this ship, and

59:24

Stuart is the navigator. I'm the mate.

59:26

Cuba and Gabrielle. And Joseon. Are

59:29

bonding some, because she thinks he's

59:31

gay, she's comfortable to tell him he has a hot ass,

59:33

and she's like, oh, I'm so tired of being around hetero

59:36

men who are always hitting on me, and I don't

59:38

have to worry about that. And it's

59:41

great to be on a gay cruise. And even if,

59:43

and if I get horny, maybe

59:45

I can find a gay man to do

59:47

me the, quote, favor of screwing my brains

59:49

at, which is not, I think, how it

59:51

works, but it does convince Cuba

59:53

to keep up this charade in

59:55

the hopes that he can be said, you

59:58

know. Also,

1:00:00

there's this thing called bisexuals

1:00:03

movie. Yes. The

1:00:05

other thing. I

1:00:07

feel like if you told anyone working on this

1:00:10

movie that that was the thing that existed, they

1:00:12

would be shocked. They would faint

1:00:14

the way that people would do it. They'd be like, what?

1:00:16

It's not just hot women. Yeah,

1:00:18

their head would start overheating.

1:00:21

They'd start making a noise like a computer fan that's

1:00:23

been running for too long. And then they'd have to

1:00:25

fill the pool to cool down. Yeah. So

1:00:30

returning to the low comedy of Horatio

1:00:32

Sands to- So

1:00:35

you're saying this is, yeah, this is a

1:00:37

classic structure of high-quality story, low-comedy story, and

1:00:39

they parallel each other. Okay. Exactly. Like,

1:00:42

what to do about nothing. Thinking

1:00:45

he's performing, thinking he's

1:00:47

performing kind of lingus on Inga.

1:00:51

He is instead going down on Lyn Che, who

1:00:53

clamps her thighs onto him like Xenia on a

1:00:55

top in GoldenEye. And she

1:00:58

rides him to completion, and he's only

1:01:00

able to get her off by spraying

1:01:02

her with a fire extinguisher so that

1:01:04

when all the other girls burst into

1:01:06

the room, it looks like smoke

1:01:08

is coming from between her legs, and Inga

1:01:10

says her pussy exploded. So

1:01:13

that's a thing that's in the movie Boat Trip.

1:01:15

What is this movie? Yeah. It's also,

1:01:17

and this is, again, this is a

1:01:19

boat where all the doors are open all

1:01:21

the time, unlocked all the time. Yes. And

1:01:23

this classic, classic farce thing of somebody walking

1:01:25

into a dark room, not

1:01:28

realizing the person they expect to be there is not there, and

1:01:30

just not bothering even to check,

1:01:32

to double check who it is before. It's happened

1:01:34

to me so many fucking times. You

1:01:36

know, on land, Vivica Fox.

1:01:40

Also a cruise that had enough unbooked cabins

1:01:43

to accommodate the Swedish bikini team after their

1:01:45

helicopter crash. I wish that, now I wish

1:01:47

there was a scene where they're like, this

1:01:49

is the final year of this cruise. We

1:01:51

cannot, we're just not getting enough passengers. Back

1:01:55

on land Felicia slash Vivica Fox

1:01:58

seems dissatisfied with her new boyfriend. and stares wistfully

1:02:00

at a photo of her in Cuba that's

1:02:03

still in her home. Meanwhile.

1:02:05

That's a bold move to break up with somebody

1:02:07

and still have the studio portrait you took with

1:02:09

them just sitting on the table. Yeah,

1:02:12

yeah, yeah, it's like confirmation of your

1:02:14

kill. Skimming

1:02:16

over a little. Was it just that he seems like a

1:02:18

dumb guy? What was the reason that she was suddenly

1:02:21

off him? I don't

1:02:23

know, do we really need to get into

1:02:25

it? He's bad at detailing cars apparently, because

1:02:27

he can't control the buffer. He's

1:02:30

like buffing a car and then she not

1:02:32

quite flashes him because she's wearing a night

1:02:34

underneath and he loses control of it. And

1:02:36

she takes this very clear scene that he

1:02:38

has essentially attracted to her as

1:02:40

like, we gotta get rid of him, no thanks. Ick's

1:02:43

name. Yeah,

1:02:46

I'm just gonna skim over some stuff. Cuba

1:02:50

enlists Horatio in the scam

1:02:52

to keep acting gay so

1:02:55

he can woo Gabrielle, which is dumb, but these

1:02:57

are two idiots, so I believe it on that

1:02:59

level. Yeah, this is the Chuck and Larry portion

1:03:01

of the movie. There's

1:03:04

a dance scene where, you

1:03:07

know, Sans cuts loose dances

1:03:09

a little bit more, seems momentarily interested

1:03:11

in maybe being Roger Moore's

1:03:13

sugar baby until his homophobia wins out.

1:03:17

They hang out some more, blah, blah, blah. Is

1:03:20

this the scene where he and that guy share that bottle of Louis

1:03:22

the 13th, which is one of

1:03:24

many similarities between what's moving in the

1:03:26

holdovers. So much. And then

1:03:28

he's trying to get to this scene for a long time. There's

1:03:31

the scene in here, I mentioned before, where

1:03:33

Sans tries to get back to Inga and

1:03:35

is intercepted by Lynn Shea, who deep

1:03:38

throws a baseball bat. By way

1:03:40

of saying that she can please him as well. It doesn't have

1:03:42

to be just a one-way thing. And it's one of these things

1:03:44

where it's like, Gratio, I know

1:03:46

you've got your eye on this bikini model, but

1:03:49

this is exactly what you wanted when

1:03:51

you signed on to this cruise. You wanted to

1:03:53

find a single woman who wanted nothing more than

1:03:55

to have sex with you. It's being offered to

1:03:57

you on an open platter. Like, well, go for

1:03:59

it. And is she quite possibly

1:04:01

the only woman on earth who would find

1:04:03

his oral skills satisfactory? It's yeah,

1:04:05

that's implied by the mood. I

1:04:08

honestly don't believe that character is

1:04:10

that unselfish a lover, frankly. No, and

1:04:12

also later on he talks about

1:04:15

how he's only had sex once, so he's

1:04:17

never done that before, probably, so unless he's

1:04:19

the Mozart of Cunnilingus and he's just a

1:04:21

natural born prodigy. We can only assume that.

1:04:23

And Salieri is fuming. In comes F. Marie

1:04:25

Abraham in a towel. Salieri's

1:04:28

like, oh, it's taking so much hunger to

1:04:30

get women off and I'm trying really hard.

1:04:32

I read books on it, Mozart, he barely

1:04:35

even tries this first time. We

1:04:37

can only assume that it's because she clamps so hard

1:04:40

onto his face that he's screaming for help and that

1:04:42

is, you know, like the vigorous, yeah. There's

1:04:46

a really long scene of Cuba Gooding

1:04:48

Jr. and Gabriela dancing, sex together. It

1:04:51

goes on so long. At a certain

1:04:53

point you are just watching two actors

1:04:55

dance with no character to it and

1:04:57

no scene to it. And it's like,

1:05:00

so the movie was long enough, that's what

1:05:02

you're telling me. Everything, all artifice just falls

1:05:04

away and you were left with two bodies

1:05:06

moving in rhythm. Artifice falls away

1:05:08

and there's just art. Yeah, you're right, you know

1:05:11

what, that's true. If I follow the rules I

1:05:13

set in my Nuki presentation years ago, just

1:05:16

seeing two people existing on film, no

1:05:18

longer characters, no longer in a scene,

1:05:20

but just being the characters they are, just

1:05:22

dancing. You know what, this is art. You know what, Bo Tripp's a

1:05:24

great movie, now that we talk about it, yeah. In

1:05:27

the same way that Fred and Ginger weren't having sex, they just took it

1:05:29

to the floor, you know. Exactly.

1:05:33

They're not particularly great dancers, I think is part

1:05:35

of the issue. We should mention. Is that Cuba

1:05:37

Gooding Jr. and Rosalyn Sanchez are dancing, they're not

1:05:39

terror, it's not funny like bad dancing. It's just

1:05:41

kind of, it looks like you're just watching two

1:05:43

people at a wedding. Like it's not, there's nothing

1:05:45

going on. And it's not like the scene in, is

1:05:48

it God's Country? Is that the Louis Malle documentary

1:05:50

where you're watching this small wedding and people are

1:05:52

dancing and there's something kind of profound about just

1:05:54

existing in the moment of this kind of rural

1:05:56

wedding. It's not that, you're just watching two idiots,

1:05:58

you know, just dancing. and that's it, that's it.

1:06:02

Around this point, Sands has

1:06:04

a conversation with Hector about how he's finally seen

1:06:06

gay men as full human beings, but he still

1:06:08

feels weird about hanging out with them, which makes

1:06:11

him realize that maybe he's a jerk. And

1:06:15

Hector talks about his coming out and

1:06:17

how his dad eventually accepted a love demand and his

1:06:19

dad wasn't a jerk and neither is Sands. I'm like,

1:06:21

I don't know about Sands. I mean, he is a

1:06:23

jerk. Even if he's setting aside the homophobia, the rest

1:06:25

of his personality, he's a jerk. Yeah.

1:06:30

Gabriella and Jerry take

1:06:32

some undefined drugs and

1:06:35

she wants him to show her how to

1:06:37

get better. I'm a gay cruise. Better head

1:06:39

with a banana and he's too homophobic to

1:06:41

even blow a piece of fruit. So he

1:06:44

asked her to show her technique. This is

1:06:46

now the second actress who performs

1:06:48

fellatio on an object in the movie

1:06:50

Boat Trip. Okay, so I gotta give

1:06:52

this character a hot tip. If

1:06:55

a woman you're interested is like, show

1:06:57

me some sexual stuff. Just fucking do

1:06:59

it, dude. Just like go nuts because

1:07:01

he behaves as if like, if he

1:07:03

were to take his wiener out, he

1:07:06

would be like, I don't know. I don't even

1:07:09

wanna look at it. Like, I don't know. It's

1:07:11

very strange to me. Also peel the banana. Do

1:07:15

yourself a favor. I mean, that'd be, it would be, again, this would

1:07:17

be a funny joke if she's like, show me what to do on

1:07:19

this. And he's like, and he unpeels it and then cuts it up,

1:07:21

puts it in some cereal. So

1:07:24

anyway, I just need to get through this next

1:07:26

thing because it is a... All

1:07:28

right, just do it. No one stop it. Insane. So

1:07:31

anyway. Jerry is so

1:07:33

overcome with horniness seeing this that

1:07:38

she's like, where'd you go? And cut to

1:07:40

him in the stateroom bathroom, he's sticking his

1:07:42

dick out the window and then cut to

1:07:44

a man downstairs talking to Roger Moore saying,

1:07:46

for goodness sake, Lloyd, just kiss me first.

1:07:49

And he has cum on his face. He's

1:07:52

weird to believe that Cuba has ejaculated

1:07:54

out the window onto an unsuspecting man.

1:07:56

Now let's look at the physics of

1:07:58

this. So he felt he... could not

1:08:00

go into the bathroom, a place

1:08:02

where things that come out of your penis often end

1:08:04

up and can be taken away. He had to go

1:08:07

to a porthole. In your house maybe. And stick his

1:08:09

penis out of the porthole. Again, luckily this is not

1:08:11

the porthole of time and his penis doesn't show up

1:08:13

in 17th century France from Robespierre

1:08:15

to a presser or something. Kill a butterfly in the past.

1:08:17

Now if the ship is traveling forward at 250 knots per

1:08:20

hour. Yeah,

1:08:22

Mr. Dan, what if he had stuck his dick

1:08:24

out, it's the portal of time he ejaculates on

1:08:26

a butterfly, everything changes. But,

1:08:29

and then, I couldn't tell if it was

1:08:31

that the wind caught it and brought

1:08:34

it back around into the room on the ship.

1:08:36

That's what happens? Yeah, they

1:08:38

were like, yeah, it was just on the platform

1:08:40

below. They're

1:08:43

out on the deck, you know? Yeah.

1:08:45

Okay, that's assuming the boat isn't moving

1:08:47

at all though because I think there's

1:08:49

gonna be a, there's wind and

1:08:51

drag involved here. Yeah, that's true. And not the kind of

1:08:54

drag we'll be getting later in the movie. You

1:08:57

wanted a shot where the camera took the jiz

1:08:59

eye view and we get to follow the jiz.

1:09:01

Yeah, like a hard core, hairy type. Like

1:09:04

a Forrest Gump with the feather, but it's

1:09:07

just jizz. And

1:09:09

one flute on the soundtrack. If that was jizz instead

1:09:11

of a feather in Forrest Gump, it'd be a very

1:09:13

different movie. I don't see it winning Best Picture. Brave

1:09:16

stance. That's Forrest Pump, the. He's

1:09:21

just, he's jizzing into chocolates and then serving them

1:09:24

to people. But also

1:09:26

that when he says, oh, buy me a meal,

1:09:29

dinner first or something like that, so you're

1:09:31

having me believe three things. One, on a gate

1:09:33

cruise, it is unpleasant

1:09:35

to be surprised by having ejaculate.

1:09:38

But you're surprised by that? No,

1:09:41

no, I think the idea that he's so nonchalant about it.

1:09:45

But also that, was Roger Moore supposed to

1:09:48

ejaculate out of his nose? He's standing next to you

1:09:50

fully clothed and it lays on your face. I was

1:09:52

thinking, she's too fully dressed, but where does he think

1:09:54

that came from exactly? If

1:09:58

I was on a cruise, I would assume that. As it were. like

1:10:00

that a, the joke should have been that he thought

1:10:02

a seagull pooped on him or something like that. Like

1:10:04

that's something that happens on cruises. That would make sense

1:10:06

to me, but. Or maybe it's

1:10:08

on the fucking. Or there'd be a poolside orgy

1:10:10

15 feet away, you know. Yes, yeah. Or a

1:10:12

seagull jizzed on him. Do they do that? Or

1:10:14

a seagull jizzed, yeah, seagulls have needs to. Vote

1:10:17

trip wants it to be absolutely clear to you

1:10:19

that this is Jerry's come

1:10:22

on this man's face. And

1:10:25

it wants you to laugh and laugh and

1:10:27

laugh at this fact. Everyone should have had

1:10:29

the Gallagher poncho on because they were clearly

1:10:31

in the splash zone. Anyway.

1:10:35

But it is a weird

1:10:37

choice to ejaculate out of a porthole. Rather

1:10:41

than stay into a tissue. And to

1:10:43

think that the guy next to you wearing pants did

1:10:45

it to you. Yes, yeah. I

1:10:47

gotta admit, I had to rewind

1:10:49

and rewatch this sequence again just to make

1:10:51

sure that I actually saw what

1:10:53

I thought. The storytelling is also not clear.

1:10:56

Like it's also not, it's not well edited.

1:10:58

George Miller didn't put this together. Oh,

1:11:00

it would have been, George Miller did, it would have been

1:11:02

all shots that are less than a second long, like half

1:11:04

a second. And it would have been so clear

1:11:07

and exciting. You'd know exactly what was happening. It

1:11:09

would be centered in the middle of the frame

1:11:11

no matter how much motion was going on around

1:11:13

it. Oh, what a great filmmaker. Also how bad

1:11:15

is sex with Kubo Gooding Jr. If all he

1:11:17

has to do is watch a woman mime Felicia

1:11:20

on a banana and he comes

1:11:22

in two seconds. Hands

1:11:25

free. Good point. His

1:11:27

hands are like braced on the sides of

1:11:29

the wall, right? As if he's worried that

1:11:31

the force of the ejaculate will propel him

1:11:33

backwards, like finding a gun on the moon.

1:11:36

Or he's gonna go out the porthole crotch

1:11:38

first if he's not careful. Yeah.

1:11:41

Anyway, Stuart, this is, we've finally

1:11:43

gotten to the senior desperately. Anyway,

1:11:45

happy prime month everybody. Oh yeah,

1:11:47

woo! LGBT

1:11:49

visibility everybody. Horatio's

1:11:52

hanging out with one of his new friends in

1:11:54

their state room. They drink

1:11:56

too much. Of Louis the 13th.

1:12:00

fancy booze. Okay. Yeah.

1:12:03

What is this type of alcohol? The king who is king.

1:12:05

You seem very concerned. It's like a... Junior

1:12:07

spines going through the porthole too. There

1:12:10

was a top... Like it used to be like

1:12:12

the fanciest of fancy. I think it's a cognac,

1:12:14

but it used to be the fanciest of fancies.

1:12:17

Remember the bottle of cognac that Paul Giamatti

1:12:19

steals at the end of the holdovers? Yeah,

1:12:21

it's that kind of thing. Oh,

1:12:24

okay. It's one of many similarities. And he's not doing shots

1:12:26

of it? The holdovers

1:12:28

is basically just boat trip. Anyway,

1:12:32

he wakes up in this man's bed,

1:12:35

which causes him to scream and run back to his

1:12:38

own room. And he admits

1:12:40

that he hasn't had sex since high

1:12:42

school. I

1:12:44

will say this sequence is

1:12:47

less upsetting than the sequence in

1:12:49

Ace Ventura when he finds out he

1:12:51

slept with. Oh, good lord. When

1:12:53

he finds out he just was kissed by someone. Yeah,

1:12:56

he... Was trans, I guess. Yeah,

1:12:58

I guess we stepped over that low bar.

1:13:00

But he... So

1:13:03

he was saying in the 10 years

1:13:05

between Ace Ventura and boat trip, there

1:13:07

had been a minimal amount. Small

1:13:09

amounts. A millimeter's progress. He

1:13:12

is now wondering whether he is gay. And

1:13:15

instead of following up on this dramatic thread, we

1:13:17

immediately cut away to Gabrielle,

1:13:20

who's showing Jerry

1:13:23

around some Grisius Island. And while

1:13:25

they're ashore, Felicia, Vivica, Fox appears,

1:13:27

having tracked him down, gets on

1:13:30

the boat unbeknownst to him. Has

1:13:33

tracked him down, found the boat,

1:13:35

gets on the boat, also doesn't know it's a gay

1:13:37

cruise. I was about to say, also clueless about

1:13:39

the nature of this cruise. The

1:13:42

people in Clueless had more of a clue than

1:13:44

these characters. I would

1:13:46

argue that many of the characters in Clueless have

1:13:48

plenty of clues. I think it was a murder

1:13:50

mystery. What about without a clue? Michael

1:13:55

Caine, anyway. Inga says goodbye

1:13:57

to Nick slash Horatio Sands. He's inviting him

1:13:59

to come to Sweden and have sex with

1:14:01

her anytime, but he's got a new,

1:14:04

gayer attitude and he's like, I don't care anymore.

1:14:07

And this leads his buddy to be like, we

1:14:09

didn't actually have sex, which immediately

1:14:11

ends him questioning his sexuality and he

1:14:13

sends him running after. Yeah, he's like,

1:14:16

if I can't score a hottie like

1:14:18

his friend that you just made, which

1:14:20

is just like, dude, he's way out of your league.

1:14:24

I would believe that Horatio Sands is so

1:14:26

not in touch with his own feelings and

1:14:28

emotions that he doesn't even know what type

1:14:30

of human being he's attracted to until someone

1:14:32

tells him, basically. And

1:14:35

there's a scene here where Roger

1:14:37

Moore and Hector lament losing the

1:14:39

Stufus to heterosexuality and

1:14:41

that rang less than true to me that

1:14:43

they would be

1:14:45

disappointed. What a loss for everyone.

1:14:49

I think they say like he could have been one of the best or something like

1:14:51

that. Yeah. Yeah,

1:14:54

what are the rankings these days? Anyway,

1:15:00

Gabrielle kisses Cuba beneath a tree and she apologizes

1:15:02

for me pushing him into something he doesn't want

1:15:05

to do. And he's like, whatever, let's do it.

1:15:07

And they fuck so hard, a bunch of oranges

1:15:09

fall from the tree. Not just

1:15:11

a bunch, a fucking mountain of oranges.

1:15:13

They are neck deep in oranges. It

1:15:15

covers their entire bodies, thus making the

1:15:17

movie PG-13, what? I

1:15:20

don't know, but it's a- Perfect

1:15:22

grocery store pyramid. Yeah.

1:15:25

Well, yeah, now that he got that

1:15:27

confidence nut out the fucking porthole, he's

1:15:29

got plenty of stamina to knock all those

1:15:32

fruits off the tree. But right

1:15:34

after that, immediately afterward, she's regretful

1:15:36

because there's no future for them

1:15:38

and she needs some time alone. And she

1:15:40

goes back to the boat where she meets Vivike Fox

1:15:43

in the elevator. That's when Vivike Fox learns it's a

1:15:45

gay cruise and she's like, what? I came here to

1:15:47

get back with my boyfriend. What's going on? And

1:15:51

someone in the dancing stage show is

1:15:53

Too Sick to Dance. So

1:15:55

one option. Too Sick to Dance sounds like

1:15:57

it could be like a 30s backstage musical.

1:16:00

Yeah, yeah. Jerry subs

1:16:02

in, I'm not sure why, because he hasn't shown-

1:16:04

You're going out there to chorus boy, but you've

1:16:06

got to come back a star. Yeah.

1:16:09

But I'm too sick to dance. There's

1:16:11

only one cure for you. That's tapping your feet. He

1:16:15

puts on a- What's that? Call

1:16:18

in the dance doctor. I'm prescribing two, actually

1:16:20

this sounds like the scene in the musical.

1:16:22

That's that the backstage musical is about. It's

1:16:25

like, doc, doc, I'm sick. I'm

1:16:27

prescribing two dance and feet and call me in

1:16:29

the morning. And then they sing a song about,

1:16:31

the best medicine or something like that. At a

1:16:34

sold out house. Your feet are too sad. It

1:16:37

all devolves into, into Busby Berkeley geometric patterns of

1:16:39

women on the floor anyway. So it doesn't really

1:16:41

matter what the song is about. Jerry

1:16:45

Don's a gold headdress, mesh gold chain

1:16:47

top shorts, and he does the dance.

1:16:50

And- Like that though, dude. Yeah,

1:16:53

he's not great, but you see his little butt at one

1:16:55

point. What's up, is it? I'm coming

1:16:57

out. I'm coming out, that's right. This

1:17:00

is after earlier in the movie. Out of porthole. He learned

1:17:02

how to pretend to be gay. I'm coming out of porthole.

1:17:05

That's the parentheses. I'm coming out.

1:17:07

The parentheses. The parentheses of porthole. Of a

1:17:09

porthole. Feet, Hugh McG The

1:17:28

gay men of 2003, they

1:17:30

could not get enough of I Will. This

1:17:34

of course convinces Felicia all

1:17:37

the more that he's gay. They have a

1:17:39

confrontation about how she wants him back, where

1:17:42

he makes a lot of talk to

1:17:44

the hand gestures. Did he fear to Felicia? If

1:17:47

I was tracking down my ex-boyfriend to get him back,

1:17:49

I found out he was on a gay cruise and

1:17:51

he was performing in drag, performing the song I'm coming

1:17:53

out. I would, it would be

1:17:55

hard for him to convince me that he wasn't actually

1:17:57

gay. If you were doing that, I would think that

1:17:59

you. you would already know that he was gay. Yeah,

1:18:02

yeah. I mean, to be honest, if

1:18:05

I was in a relationship with this person and I

1:18:07

didn't have a feeling that they were gay and then

1:18:09

I suddenly found them in this situation and I didn't

1:18:11

suddenly have flashbacks to many, many

1:18:13

incidents where I should have realized it, it

1:18:16

would, that's on me then at that point. Yeah, it

1:18:18

doesn't feel like a jump to conclusions, let's say. Yeah,

1:18:21

like my wife is aware. Which role are you gonna

1:18:23

be, Elliot? Are you the Vivike Fox character? I'm the

1:18:25

Vivike Fox in this situation. Because I was gonna say,

1:18:27

I kinda feel like you can pull off that Cuba

1:18:29

outfit he's wearing there with the headpiece and all the

1:18:31

chains. If I was, if I'd be lying, if I

1:18:34

said the thought didn't pass through my head, that I

1:18:36

could pull it off if I really tried. And

1:18:39

I was saying that you, Elliot Kalin,

1:18:41

would presumably already know that your boyfriend was gay.

1:18:43

If I have a boyfriend, yes. It would be, I would

1:18:45

be very shocked. That would be the first. Elliot,

1:18:48

hear me out, the gold LeMay, you

1:18:51

know, peacock feather ensemble, but

1:18:53

we add a Carmen Miranda

1:18:56

fruity headdress. I mean, the

1:18:58

only thing that I don't like about that is I hate fruit,

1:19:00

don't wanna be near it, don't like to eat it, don't like

1:19:02

to touch it or smell it. But otherwise I think it'd be

1:19:04

great. I think it's a great look, yeah. What if it's wax?

1:19:07

Okay, yes, then 100,000%, yes. But

1:19:09

I was gonna say- How about instead of that,

1:19:11

it's like ham and chicken fried chicken? If

1:19:14

it was a Carmen Miranda headdress of just

1:19:16

Popeyes fried chicken, then yes. The only problem

1:19:18

is I'm gonna keep trying to eat it

1:19:20

while I'm dancing, and also the hot grease

1:19:22

that's flowing down my head, which would be

1:19:24

very distracting. Although I'm now thinking about a

1:19:26

Carmen Miranda headdress with a

1:19:28

centerpiece is the Colonel's bucket, you know? And I

1:19:30

think that could really work. It's kind of off

1:19:32

angle just slightly. Yeah, it's a solid main- A

1:19:35

saucy kilter, you know? That's a solid

1:19:37

main stage look on an episode of Drag Race,

1:19:39

like, categories, franchise

1:19:42

restaurants. I'm

1:19:44

presenting herbs and spices realness with

1:19:46

this one. Oh, look at

1:19:49

that. Sexy Wendy's. I

1:19:51

was gonna say earlier, my wife is so good

1:19:54

at recognizing that I am annoyed at her before

1:19:56

it even occurs to me that I'm annoyed at

1:19:58

her about something, that the idea- that Vivike

1:20:00

Fox does not know her boyfriend might be

1:20:02

gay is she's just, they don't have

1:20:04

a great relationship. I guess that's really what it is. They don't wanna

1:20:06

see it. Yeah, yeah, I mean, I feel like we, it's pretty clear.

1:20:09

Well, anyway, he yells a lot about how he's not

1:20:11

gay and how he pretended just to be with

1:20:14

this girl. Classic joke, setting up the

1:20:16

greatest joke in movies, right? Yeah, he

1:20:18

does a literal, she's right behind me,

1:20:20

isn't she? And at that point, I

1:20:22

throw my television out the window. Yeah,

1:20:24

SCTV style. I pluck my eyes out,

1:20:26

roll into a meat grinder, puncture

1:20:29

my ear drums with knitting needles.

1:20:31

Yeah, and I have blessed peace.

1:20:35

What a terrible, what a terrible,

1:20:38

like, oh man, in 2002. In

1:20:41

2002, they're doing that joke. And

1:20:44

Felicia's like, well, it seems like

1:20:46

we both had our fling, I'm willing to overlook yours

1:20:48

if you'll overlook mine and we can get married. And

1:20:51

there's a genuinely surprising smash cut to some

1:20:53

wedding photos being taken of the

1:20:55

two of them. It turns out they're not married just

1:20:57

yet. These are pre-wedding photos.

1:20:59

Yeah. Well,

1:21:02

there's both times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You say

1:21:04

it as if it's obvious. I

1:21:06

mean, people often take photos before

1:21:08

the ceremony. Yeah. Yeah, and

1:21:10

after though, I'm saying. Felicia's,

1:21:13

afterwards anarchy breaks out. Oh, God.

1:21:16

Anyway, point is they're not married yet. We

1:21:19

meet Felicia's father. After the wedding, the dress is

1:21:21

too covered in chicken blood from the end of

1:21:23

the ceremony, so they can't, yeah. The

1:21:25

court of Deirah is wrong. I

1:21:27

don't even know what stereotype I'm leaning into. I don't know. I

1:21:29

don't have an idea. I

1:21:32

just want to get out the sense. Felicia's

1:21:35

father is played by Richard Roundtree, totally

1:21:38

wasted in this role. He does almost nothing. He's

1:21:40

barely in the movie. And I

1:21:42

want to point out that Richard Roundtree played

1:21:44

one of the, played a

1:21:46

gay character on the short-lived TV

1:21:48

show, Rock, ROC, which

1:21:51

was a very big deal at the time. I mean,

1:21:53

it was a one episode thing, but it was like,

1:21:55

ooh, Shaft is playing a gay guy. Like, he was

1:21:58

one of the first sort of. traditionally

1:22:00

famous for playing a

1:22:02

big macho character, character

1:22:04

actors to then be like, and yes, I'm now

1:22:06

playing a gay guy on this TV show. Yeah,

1:22:09

and he's like, I got my eye on you, which doesn't,

1:22:11

it seems like it might pay up, but doesn't, we'll get

1:22:13

there. It doesn't at all, and also the fact that he

1:22:16

is best known as Shaft, and this is a movie that

1:22:18

should be full of dick jokes

1:22:20

also doing it. Interesting. Shaft

1:22:24

involves their cops. See, that sounds sarcastic.

1:22:26

Linda Holmes, that sounds sarcastic, but I

1:22:28

did like that joke. During

1:22:31

the wedding, the officiant played by Thomas

1:22:33

Lennon is distracted by his wife running

1:22:36

off and someone else was briefly confused

1:22:38

me because he has a clerical collar,

1:22:40

which I associate with Catholicism, but apparently,

1:22:42

he's a regular minister. Anglican, Methodist, Presbyterians, Lutheran, not

1:22:44

all ministers. No, let's get in the weeds on

1:22:47

this one. But they can, but they often do

1:22:49

wear clerical. I mean, Reverend Lovejoy on The Simpsons

1:22:51

was a clerical collar and he's married. Yeah, but.

1:22:54

He's a cartoon, Elliot. I mean, I. You're right, I

1:22:56

forgot that. I forgot the hope said that cartoon priests

1:22:58

can get married. I do believe that Protestantism is something

1:23:00

that I know a little bit more about.

1:23:02

And that is like, this is not actually

1:23:05

common unless you are

1:23:07

relatively close to. Well, maybe for big

1:23:09

showy events like weddings, they pull out

1:23:11

all the stops. Thomas

1:23:13

Lennon looks like a baby. He looks so young in

1:23:16

this. Yes. And

1:23:18

it's a very, and it feels like a very

1:23:20

unnecessary go-to joke to have the person officiating it

1:23:22

also like mad at his wife or mad at

1:23:24

some person in his past that he can't stop

1:23:26

bringing up. That was a very of the time

1:23:29

joke. So

1:23:31

they get to the part about, are there any

1:23:33

objections and the

1:23:35

poker buddies from the cruise and Horatio Sands,

1:23:37

all the cagey Intel Sands finally

1:23:40

speaks up and he says, Jared

1:23:42

used to be with the person he really loves.

1:23:44

And that's me. And he kisses him to cover

1:23:47

for saying that he knows where Gabriela is. I

1:23:51

guess this is to show that he's

1:23:53

overcome his homophobia, but it seems like

1:23:55

an unnecessary distraction. He'd just be like,

1:23:58

let's go. He turns

1:24:00

off with Jerry. It's not like that. Like he

1:24:02

could, he just say, no, you should be with

1:24:04

Gabriella. And I know where she is. Let's go.

1:24:06

Like he thinks he needs to shock Jerry out

1:24:08

of this marriage stupor. Could be. Awesome.

1:24:10

Well, that's also high. And we're also

1:24:13

setting up, you know, the remainder of

1:24:15

the film in which gay people are

1:24:17

useful as long as they're there to

1:24:19

assist straight people in their agenda. Yeah.

1:24:21

Yeah. This is the point where they're

1:24:23

like, also, let's run away from

1:24:26

the scary dad. The dad does not

1:24:28

chase them, you know, there's no

1:24:30

payoff for that. They run outside. I

1:24:32

wonder if they hired Richard Rountree, they cast him and they

1:24:34

were like, and now there's the scene where you're chasing after

1:24:36

them and then you fall into a cake and he's like,

1:24:38

not happening. You slip on a

1:24:40

giant turd. The bride's dad and

1:24:43

Arthur is more, is scarier than this guy.

1:24:48

So they run outside. Hector's fire truck

1:24:51

is waiting to speed them away to

1:24:53

a prop plane where Roger Moore makes

1:24:55

a big speech about his military service,

1:24:57

you know, proving, I

1:25:00

guess that gay people are valuable because they can also

1:25:02

be butch. I don't know. He's

1:25:04

actually playing folks in this movie, which no

1:25:06

one knows, but that's a Roger Moore deep

1:25:08

cut for anybody who wanted that one. And

1:25:11

there's one moment in this where they're

1:25:13

in the fire truck and the siren is going. And

1:25:15

then we see that a police officer has also stopped

1:25:17

traffic, I guess, that they can go faster and Hector

1:25:20

like arranged with him. And he's, I guess, also a

1:25:22

gay police officer. And there's a brief moment of like,

1:25:25

if this movie, there's a, I could see

1:25:27

this movie turning into like an

1:25:30

invasion of the bodies and actors type thing. Where the engineer

1:25:32

and Horatio is just learning how many people around them are

1:25:34

gay and positions of authority and power. What?

1:25:39

There is an organization for gay cops and

1:25:41

firemen called Guns and Hoses. Thank you. I'm

1:25:44

not making that up. That's amazing. What a great name.

1:25:48

So they parachute onto the new

1:25:50

cruise where Gabrielle is working, which

1:25:52

of course, by the rules of

1:25:55

screenwriting symmetry is a lesbian cruise.

1:25:58

Anyone? They drop into the The pool,

1:26:00

again, symmetry. Again. He

1:26:04

declares his love. Good writing, Dan, it's called good

1:26:06

writing. Someone read Sid Heehan. It's great fucking writing,

1:26:08

man. They saved the cat, man.

1:26:10

That cat was saved. Dan,

1:26:13

answer me, is the cat saved or is it not

1:26:15

saved? I don't recall a cat. We

1:26:18

did see a movie about a cat on a boat, but it

1:26:20

was like a mutant cat. Yeah, that cat did not get saved.

1:26:22

Oh, I've seen that one. But look, the dog

1:26:25

is saved and wearing an adorable tuxedo. Yeah. Aww,

1:26:27

love it. Yeah, so

1:26:29

she's like, you lied your way into my

1:26:31

bed, but because this is a terrible movie

1:26:33

with bad attitude, she forgives him. He

1:26:37

does kiss her before she can finish talking.

1:26:39

So he wins. Roger Moore

1:26:41

and the lesbians understandably shake their heads and

1:26:43

dismay all of this. Last

1:26:46

scene in the movie. We're always chasing the numbers,

1:26:48

you know. Yeah. They're

1:26:51

like, I don't get it. And they're like, I mean, it just,

1:26:55

I don't even understand the joke, because it's the idea that like,

1:26:57

I don't get what hetero people see with each other. Seeing each

1:26:59

other's like, it's just human attraction. Like it's not a- We

1:27:02

haven't all grown up surrounded by them or anything.

1:27:04

Well, that doesn't make sense. I don't get

1:27:06

it. The mainstream monoculture that

1:27:08

I've had to swim in my entire life.

1:27:11

I choose to read it as a specific

1:27:13

reaction to these two idiots. Oh, okay, well

1:27:15

that's fair. I think the

1:27:17

audience shares that then. But then it's

1:27:19

inconsistent with Roger Moore, who has done everything he

1:27:22

can to help this happen and is like, I

1:27:24

don't get it. It seems like it's doomed to

1:27:26

me. Now when he gazes upon the results of

1:27:28

his work, he's despondous. Yeah, he's like Oppenheimer. What

1:27:30

have I done? I've become a

1:27:32

reader together. Yeah, it's a lot like Oppenheimer. Look

1:27:35

upon my- Yeah, works in despair. Yeah, when he's

1:27:37

surrounded by all the cheering people at the wedding

1:27:39

and he's like, oh my God, are they monsters?

1:27:41

What's happening? Exactly, yeah. Horatio

1:27:45

Sands, remember him? He's

1:27:48

scaling a snowy mountain, yelling, Inga,

1:27:50

Inga. She's taken in to

1:27:53

buy her family into this cottage,

1:27:55

only to learn that she is- They live in an

1:27:57

Alpine cottage that seems to be for another century, yeah.

1:28:00

And on the very peak of a mountain. Like

1:28:03

the end of Lost Horizon. Yeah. He

1:28:06

learns that he has missed Angus. She's in Italy

1:28:09

right now, but not to worry. Her equally hot

1:28:11

younger sister is there, but uh-oh. So

1:28:13

is Len Shay. Credits.

1:28:16

Man. Credits to the movie, both. You

1:28:18

know, I always love it when a movie sets

1:28:20

up a sequel perfectly. Uh-huh. So we

1:28:22

have what, ski trip? Is ski trip gonna

1:28:24

be the sequel? Sure, yeah,

1:28:26

the title of the trip. The closing credits

1:28:28

are Comic Sans, which is perfect because A,

1:28:30

it's the laziest font on Magible and B,

1:28:33

it's Horatio Sans. Oh. I

1:28:36

wish the movie was Sans Sans. Whoa.

1:28:41

Not very Comic Sans. Show.

1:28:46

I will go on record as saying that

1:28:48

the only time I've ever laughed at Horatio

1:28:50

Sans was one time when I was in the

1:28:52

audience of a UCB screening of a UCB movie

1:28:54

in the old, old UCB theater and Horatio

1:28:56

Sans trying to sneak into a seat since

1:28:59

the lights had gone down, stepped on a soda

1:29:01

can really loudly and went, oh shit, and that's

1:29:03

the only time I've ever laughed at

1:29:05

anything he's ever done. Well,

1:29:09

since we're getting into judgments, let's do our final

1:29:11

judgments about whether this is a good, bad movie,

1:29:14

a bad, bad movie or a movie

1:29:16

you kinda like. I wanna read a couple

1:29:18

of quotes from the

1:29:20

Wikipedia page. One from

1:29:24

Roger Ebert who wrote, this is a movie

1:29:26

made for nobody about nothing. And

1:29:32

Wikipedia also says, quote, many viewed

1:29:35

the film as homophobic, although

1:29:37

a reviewer for The Advocate wrote that

1:29:39

the film was too terrible to protest.

1:29:42

So I guess, you know.

1:29:44

And who was that reviewer for The Advocate? I

1:29:46

don't know if I was that reviewer, but I

1:29:48

was definitely the editor of that reviewer because I

1:29:50

was working at The Advocate at that time. And

1:29:53

I went to see this movie at a

1:29:55

press screening. It was me and another critic

1:29:57

who is now retired, but also gay. He

1:30:00

spent the entire film groaning through the movie and

1:30:02

then gave it kind of a positive review. I

1:30:04

don't know why. It was groaning and pleasure through

1:30:07

the movie. Perhaps, yes. Yeah. Thankfully

1:30:09

there was no porthole in that screening room. My

1:30:12

final judgment is this is an awful,

1:30:14

awful movie. I, most of

1:30:16

the time we watch these movies sort of

1:30:18

vaguely hoping, you know, maybe we'll find something

1:30:20

that we actually sort of enjoyed or

1:30:23

at least something that can be enjoyed

1:30:26

ironically, if not normally,

1:30:29

I don't know what normally is, for

1:30:31

its own merits, I guess. But

1:30:33

in this case, I just

1:30:36

want to take revenge on this movie for, like

1:30:38

I was, I had to, you know, obviously

1:30:41

I did the summary. I had to take notes on it.

1:30:43

It was such slow going and I kept

1:30:45

looking at the time and being like, how

1:30:48

is it possible? Like it was

1:30:50

just 30 minutes. I'm just 30 minutes in. Now I'm

1:30:52

just 31 minutes in. It seems like

1:30:54

an hour's past. So

1:30:56

that's my feelings on boat trip. What do

1:30:58

you think, Stuart? Yeah,

1:31:01

so another raid from Dan. Let's

1:31:03

see. No, this is terrible. I

1:31:05

wouldn't watch it. Don't watch it. Don't seek

1:31:07

it out. It's cursed. It'll

1:31:10

make you feel worse about everything. Don't do

1:31:12

it. It's bad, bad, bad movie. Elliot, we'll

1:31:14

leave Valanza the last word. Yeah,

1:31:17

I mean, it's hard for me not to

1:31:19

go along and just say it's, yeah,

1:31:21

it's the worst movie. It's everything about

1:31:23

it is super dispiriting. The only thing

1:31:25

that makes this not the worst movie

1:31:27

I've ever seen is that there's

1:31:30

no on-camera animal mutilation

1:31:32

or anything like that. Like it's not a Campbell

1:31:34

Hallipice movie. Nobody died

1:31:36

in the making of it as far as I know.

1:31:39

So those are the two wins in

1:31:41

the victory column for boat trip. There

1:31:43

are parameters. I

1:31:46

will say that the Cuba Gooding Jr.'s character

1:31:48

is named Jerry Robinson. And

1:31:50

I feel like this is the least accurate

1:31:52

portrayal of the co-creator of the Joker, Jerry

1:31:54

Robinson, that you can imagine. But yeah, this

1:31:56

is a very bad movie. Don't, it's not,

1:31:59

I know there. There's people who watch every movie that

1:32:01

we do on the show. There's one fan

1:32:03

who collects copies of all the movies that we've

1:32:05

done on this podcast. Please don't, this one, just

1:32:07

leave. Leave it at the Island

1:32:09

of Misfit movies. Don't include it in your house.

1:32:12

Alonzo, disagree with me. I dare you. Are you

1:32:14

with me? I'm here to fight you all, no.

1:32:17

This is of course a bad, bad movie.

1:32:19

But what I think is so fascinating about

1:32:21

it is where it occurs in the culture,

1:32:24

in the history of everything. Because the

1:32:27

rating system ends in the 60s. And

1:32:30

so suddenly now you can have queer

1:32:32

characters in movies and queer themes. And

1:32:34

that usually meant that we got embarrassing,

1:32:36

offensive, or violent, or monstrous characters. Because

1:32:38

most people making movies at the time

1:32:41

were still cis-het straight white men. And

1:32:44

so now we get to the 90s and you've got

1:32:46

like, the decade kicks off with

1:32:48

Poison and Paris is Burning, both winning the

1:32:51

Grand Shuri Prize at Sundance. That's followed by

1:32:53

this whole wave, the new queer cinema. Gus

1:32:55

Van Sang, Greg O'Rocky, Cheryl Dunye, Rose

1:32:58

Troche, all these filmmakers making really fascinating

1:33:00

and insightful films and very specifically and

1:33:02

unapologetically queer. And then that leads to

1:33:04

these sort of crossover movies where it's

1:33:06

like, hey, you know, there

1:33:09

are queer people who are starving to see movies.

1:33:11

There's also cool like art house straight people who

1:33:13

will come see them as well. So we'll make

1:33:15

charming rom-coms like, you know, Jeffrey and Trick or

1:33:18

whatnot. And so after that

1:33:20

decade to then think- I like the

1:33:22

day trippers or something. Yes, exactly. Like

1:33:24

after that decade to think, you know

1:33:26

what people really wanna see? This

1:33:29

wacky bullshit about two straight

1:33:31

guys on a wah-wah gay

1:33:33

cruise, oh no. And it

1:33:36

just feels so- I mean, you feel like you're pitching the

1:33:38

movie right now, Alonzo, that's the thing. Sound

1:33:40

effects make me like it, I don't know.

1:33:43

Yeah, well, I've got my orgasm sound board.

1:33:45

It's a tale of words, yeah. It feels

1:33:47

so displaced in time that I just, I

1:33:50

mean, I had not seen this since that press screening

1:33:52

and I will probably never see it again. But

1:33:55

it was just this fascinating moment of like,

1:33:57

y'all like, some movies- You

1:34:00

look back, you think, oh, well, that was

1:34:02

the time. That's what people thought you can

1:34:04

get away with. No, we were well past

1:34:06

this by the time this movie came

1:34:08

out. And this was just a

1:34:10

handful of straight people being like,

1:34:12

nope, nope, we're gonna be here.

1:34:14

We are determined to still tell

1:34:16

this story and make these jokes,

1:34:19

damn the rest of the world

1:34:21

and whatever progress might've been made.

1:34:24

So it's just astonishingly unstuck

1:34:27

in time. Yeah. That's

1:34:30

it. And it still came out four years

1:34:32

before I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry.

1:34:35

True, but that movie, I don't know if

1:34:37

you know the whole history there, but that

1:34:39

started out as an Alexander Payne, Jim Taylor

1:34:41

joint. And their screenplay was

1:34:43

actually pretty smart and insightful.

1:34:46

And then of course it goes through the

1:34:48

Adam Sandler sausage factory and becomes the movie

1:34:50

that it is. Yeah. It

1:34:53

really is a sausage factory. Mm. I'm

1:34:56

Sequoia Holmes,

1:34:58

pop cultureist and host of

1:35:02

the Black People Love Paramore podcast. Contrary

1:35:05

to the title, it is not a podcast

1:35:07

about the band Paramore. Each

1:35:09

episode I, along with a special

1:35:11

guest co-host dissect one pop culture

1:35:13

topic that mainstream media doesn't associate

1:35:15

with black people, but we know

1:35:17

that we like. Tune in every

1:35:19

Thursday to the podcast that's dedicated

1:35:21

to helping black people feel more

1:35:23

seen here on Maximum Fun. I'm

1:35:26

Yucky Jessica. I'm Chuck

1:35:29

Crudsworth. And this is

1:35:31

Terrible. A podcast where we talk about

1:35:33

things we hate that are

1:35:35

awful. Today we're discussing Wonderful,

1:35:37

a podcast on the Maximum

1:35:39

Fun Network. Hosts Rachel and

1:35:42

Griffin McElroy of Real Life

1:35:44

Mary. Pee up. Discuss

1:35:46

a wide range of topics,

1:35:48

music, video games, poetry,

1:35:50

snacks. But I hate all that

1:35:52

stuff. I know you do Yucky

1:35:55

Jessica. It comes out every Wednesday,

1:35:57

the worst day of the week, wherever you

1:35:59

download your podcast. For our next

1:36:01

topic, we're talking Fiona, the

1:36:03

baby hippo from the Cincinnati

1:36:05

Zoo. I hate this little

1:36:07

hippo. The Flophouse

1:36:09

is sponsored in part by

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Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform

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or domain. And we

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also have a J-J-J-J-J-J-JumboTron. This is

1:37:59

from. Daniel Pecorrero,

1:38:01

historical tours. Since

1:38:03

2021, Daniel Pecorrero has shown New Yorkers

1:38:07

and tourists alike the past,

1:38:10

present, and possible futures of

1:38:13

various neighborhoods across New York, from

1:38:15

Gwanis to Greenwood to Greenwich

1:38:17

Village. Daniel's tours are

1:38:19

perfect for lifelong New Yorkers, recent

1:38:22

arrivals, or visitors who just

1:38:24

wanna go deep. Flophouse

1:38:26

listeners may particularly enjoy the lost

1:38:29

theaters of Bay Ridge, highlighting

1:38:31

the many former movie houses in

1:38:34

this Southwest Brooklyn neighborhood that does

1:38:37

sound very interesting. I am

1:38:40

sad that Elliot Kalin is not

1:38:42

here while I'm recording this

1:38:44

ad copy. I had to do a little after

1:38:46

the fact, a little secret for you, because

1:38:49

I think he in particular would

1:38:51

be interested in the lost theaters of Bay

1:38:53

Ridge. So anyway, if you're

1:38:56

interested in this, why not visit www.history.works

1:38:58

to learn more and

1:39:01

register and use

1:39:03

code FLOP for half off

1:39:05

any upcoming tour. And

1:39:07

speaking of FLOP, oh, the Flophouse, that's our

1:39:09

podcast. Hello, how are you doing? We

1:39:13

are doing a live show in Boston,

1:39:16

Massachusetts. There's a

1:39:19

Boston, Massachusetts now. Yeah,

1:39:21

and we're doing a show at WBUR

1:39:24

City Space. That

1:39:26

is associated with the radio

1:39:29

station WBUR. It's their performance space, it

1:39:31

is beautiful. We have done stuff there

1:39:33

before. It is on July

1:39:36

the 26th of this year, 2024. And

1:39:41

it's at 7 p.m. If

1:39:43

you want tickets to that,

1:39:46

you can go to flophousepodcast.com/events

1:39:49

and pick up your ticket to see us live

1:39:51

in Boston. We haven't decided

1:39:54

exactly what we're gonna do. We're either gonna

1:39:56

do some sort of iconic,

1:39:58

bad Boston movie or. we are going to

1:40:00

do one of the

1:40:02

summer's big flops, I

1:40:04

think is where we're trending. But

1:40:08

look, no matter what we do, it's gonna

1:40:10

be a fun show. We're gonna

1:40:12

do our regular presentations. Last

1:40:15

time we were in Boston, Stewart did

1:40:17

a presentation about cars that almost killed

1:40:20

me from laughing. So it's always fun

1:40:22

to do a show in Boston.

1:40:24

So come check us out again at WBUR

1:40:26

City Space, the 26th of July at

1:40:28

7 p.m. You

1:40:31

can get tickets at

1:40:34

flophousepodcast.com/events. Let's do letters

1:40:36

from listeners. And

1:40:46

you know what? I picked, I unwisely

1:40:48

on a day when there

1:40:50

was so much meat on

1:40:53

this boat trip bone, picked

1:40:56

a second letter that's very long. So I'm not gonna do

1:40:58

that one. I'm just gonna keep it to one this time,

1:41:00

break with format. This one's from

1:41:02

Nathan Last Name Withheld. You have

1:41:04

a singular letter, Nathan. Or Mort

1:41:06

Nathan. Nathan, comma,

1:41:08

Mort. Let me explain about

1:41:11

my movie, Boat Trip. I

1:41:13

was going through a rough time. Nathan

1:41:18

writes, for the last six months, I've

1:41:20

been slowly rewatching the James Bond series.

1:41:22

I've just rewatched the two Timothy Dalton

1:41:24

films, and I find that for the

1:41:26

last five days, I've had License to

1:41:28

Kill by Gladys Knight and the Pips

1:41:30

lodged in my forebrain. Since

1:41:32

that movie was one of my first

1:41:35

bonds, I have a fondness for the

1:41:37

song. However ridiculous, stalkerish, and overrodded maybe.

1:41:39

It's a Bond song after all. Got

1:41:41

me wondering, what are your favorite

1:41:44

songs from a movie and your least favorite

1:41:46

songs from a movie? Doesn't have to be

1:41:48

Bond song, dudes, calm down. Caveats. Sorry,

1:41:51

Dan, nothing from stop making sense. Stewart,

1:41:54

sorry. You may not pick Dawkins' Dream

1:41:56

Warriors from A Nightmare on Elm Street

1:41:58

3. Sorry, Elliot, no

1:42:00

fiddler on the roof. So

1:42:02

that's from Nathan Last Name With

1:42:04

Held. Just the

1:42:06

kind of torturous experiment

1:42:08

Nathan Fielder would specialize in.

1:42:11

So are we talking about a

1:42:13

song that was written for a movie? A

1:42:15

song that is in the movie? I was

1:42:17

saying a song that was written by the

1:42:19

characters. Written for

1:42:21

the movie. And because it was that,

1:42:24