0:00

My name is Maddie Kelly. I'm a writer

0:02

and comedian, and along with my co-hosts, Mark

0:04

Chavez and Ryan Beal, we

0:06

are setting out to write a romantic comedy

0:08

movie script that is genuinely romantic

0:11

and actually funny.

0:12

Give me something that's both sexy and

0:14

romantic. Lacrosse. The sport?

0:18

And when we run into trouble, we'll get help from some

0:20

serious rom-com experts, people who have

0:22

worked on everything from 10 Things I Hate About You

0:24

to Mamma Mia.

0:25

This is all gold. It's

0:28

Let's Bake a Rom-Com, available now on

0:30

CBC Listen and everywhere you get your podcasts.

0:33

From Mermaid Palace and Radiotopia,

0:36

welcome to

0:40

the heart. I'm

0:44

Caitlin Prest. Allow

0:48

me to set the scene. It's 2014.

0:54

Tinder has just been

0:56

invented. It

0:58

hasn't really taken over the dating world yet. Some

1:01

people are dabbling in OkCupid,

1:04

but mostly

1:05

people meet each other via parties, friends

1:08

of friends, and sometimes via

1:12

chance encounters

1:13

in a coffee shop on

1:15

the subway platform. Everybody

1:18

has cell phones. It's been that way for

1:20

a while now, but the etiquette hasn't

1:23

really sorted itself out.

1:25

We have the feeling that we

1:27

prefer to text over call when we're talking about difficult

1:30

things with people we barely

1:32

know.

1:33

The term ghosting has not

1:35

yet taken hold. The

1:39

option of just not

1:41

writing back is something

1:44

new that

1:45

people are trying out. It's

1:49

in this era that the story that

1:52

you're about to hear takes place.

1:55

We're here to introduce you to the new approach

1:58

that we are taking. It's called etiquette, queers

2:00

who were making this show at that

2:02

time. We were all hanging

2:05

out in the place that we did most

2:07

of our production meetings, the low

2:09

ceiling bedroom on the top floor

2:12

of a four story hippie house in

2:14

Brooklyn. We called

2:16

it the Mermaid Palace. Today

2:19

was a special day. An extremely talented

2:22

composer had expressed interest in

2:24

collaborating with us. Her

2:26

name is Shani Aviram. Shani

2:29

wanted to make something about miscommunication.

2:32

Something about the way that when

2:34

you're at the very beginning of something with somebody,

2:37

you have no fucking idea what the hell is going

2:40

on. Why

2:45

is it that when we're falling for somebody that half

2:48

of us is falling in love with the person

2:51

that is right in front of us and the other half is

2:53

falling in love with the story that we're

2:55

creating in our mind?

2:58

I wondered if it was just me that

3:01

did this thing. I started

3:04

asking everybody that would talk to me on tape

3:07

and it turned out that I wasn't the only one.

3:13

This is a compilation of interviews that

3:15

me and Shira Bannerman did. I

3:19

had met this person that

3:22

I was very interested in.

3:24

She spoke a French that was from the

3:27

south of France and it was just like perfect.

3:30

Oh my god. And

3:34

okay whatever, what the fuck is perfect? I was

3:36

desperately, desperately seeking that kind

3:39

of love.

3:40

The outdoor platform was waiting for the G.

3:43

Got upstairs and there's a few people waiting around.

3:46

I asked the station operator, hey when

3:50

do you think this train is going to come? How much

3:52

longer do we have to wait here? And I was like holy shit

3:55

I think I just fell in love with

3:57

you. Or I don't know.

3:59

I'm not gonna come for another 45 minutes. And

4:02

I was like, fuck, man.

4:05

After meeting her, I had

4:07

this like

4:09

rebirth of appreciation

4:11

and desire to consume

4:14

all things French. And

4:16

I just started reading French every day. I made

4:18

it this thing where like, I met

4:21

this French girl, we're gonna have amazing

4:24

French Armenian babies and

4:26

like, and our babies

4:28

are gonna speak French and

4:30

it's gonna be amazing.

4:32

I tried to turn on my iPod, which had

4:34

died. So that was my last

4:37

bastion of entertainment. I had nothing. And

4:40

I saw this boy in a hood, and

4:43

his hood was over his head. He

4:46

was listening to an iPod. So

4:49

without even really thinking twice, I walked

4:51

up

4:53

to him, I tapped him on the shoulder and

4:55

said, hey, listen,

4:58

we have 45 more minutes to wait

5:00

for this train and my iPod just died.

5:02

So can I listen to yours with you? And

5:05

he looked at me like I was crazy. And

5:07

then he said, yeah, okay.

5:08

We had gone out for drinks

5:11

and

5:13

I didn't want those drinks to end. The

5:15

train came.

5:18

We were still like sharing earbuds,

5:20

I think. So we're just like, our faces were really close

5:22

to each

5:22

other. I kept trying to find it in the very little

5:24

things that he would say, like I tried to look

5:26

for it in every good morning message

5:28

or good night message that he would send.

5:30

I said, well, this is my stop.

5:33

And I started getting really sad. And

5:36

he said, oh, what should

5:38

I do? And

5:41

I was like, well, you can come home with me. And

5:44

he was like, oh, I don't know. I don't

5:46

think I should. And I was like,

5:48

oh, come on, please, please. Let's

5:51

keep hanging out. And

5:53

he said, okay.

5:55

When I'm infatuated with

5:57

someone, I spend

5:59

And

6:01

a lot of time fantasizing

6:03

about scenarios. Like really intense

6:06

fantasies. I thought about them all the time. About

6:09

my future

6:09

life with these people. Like

6:12

somewhere in my brain was always like thinking

6:14

about.

6:14

The conversation that we have in his

6:17

kitchen that I just saw when

6:19

we're living there together. You know

6:21

like. We involved scenarios of

6:23

us having children and what the children's

6:26

names would be and what languages

6:28

they would speak. I'll watch an episode

6:30

of something and then I'll

6:30

imagine the conversation we will have

6:33

if

6:33

we had been watching it together on his

6:35

couch. You know. What

6:38

roles her and I would have in

6:41

the relationship and in the raising

6:43

of these children. You know,

6:45

like he'll never be able to support me. I

6:48

would have to be like still at my slum-cuttering

6:50

job to support him in his grung lifestyle.

6:53

And I would be like, Mikey, buy

6:55

some pants. You have too many holes in your pants.

6:58

And he'd be like, whatever. And

7:00

then go down to the tattoo

7:01

parlor and I'm like, Cora, I'm gonna do

7:03

tattoo. And I'd be like,

7:06

that's fine, Mikey. I'm

7:10

coming to realize that maybe I didn't have a full

7:12

grasp on reality at that

7:14

point. I text her being like,

7:16

how is the party? Okay.

7:21

And like, like

7:23

cut.

7:25

No response, nothing.

7:28

And I don't know if

7:30

I was more angry at

7:32

him or myself.

7:35

I thought like something had happened to

7:38

her.

7:39

When things ended and

7:40

at the way they ended. You know, every day

7:42

of that week, I was just like, you

7:45

know what it was? I just didn't get it. The harshness

7:48

of the truth

7:50

of the situation when it came out.

7:52

And that

7:56

was it.

7:58

Hm.

8:04

Ayeende Bennett calls

8:06

it making movies in your head. And

8:09

that is what we called the radio play that Shani

8:11

Aviram and I created, the one

8:13

that you're about to listen

8:15

to.

8:19

The story you're about to hear is both true and

8:22

not true.

8:27

Parts of it are fiction and parts of it are

8:30

real. Okay, tell me the

8:31

story of your adventure meet. Okay,

8:34

Vincent. Pretty V, has his nickname,

8:36

very handsome guy, male model, but

8:39

had a brain. Him and I had a lot of misadventures,

8:41

especially with women. A

8:43

statement that really became kind of famous when I was my

8:46

friend, you know, solely

8:48

on me for spreading it to any and every one

8:50

that I know, but it was don't

8:52

make movies in your head. And that

8:54

statement there refers to, you

8:57

know, many times men and women. I think

8:59

many of us do it. And I don't want to sound

9:01

completely negative. I mean, I get it. I think it's

9:03

actually enjoyable. You

9:06

know, that's why we do it. It's very enjoyable

9:08

to make a movie. I just don't think it's healthy.

9:10

I don't think it's realistic. I think

9:12

it's fun. I think sometimes it works out. I don't want

9:14

to look. I never think that it's black or white

9:17

anything. Let me clarify for you listeners. I

9:19

don't think I'm just entitled to, you know, what the

9:22

word would be. But I just think it's better

9:24

to, you

9:25

know, one thing I mentioned before is

9:28

being a balance between emotion and,

9:31

you know, your mind.

9:33

You know, you just have to do

9:35

it for yourself. I can't help it.

9:38

It's always been this way. In

9:48

kindergarten, I got in trouble for asking boys

9:50

to kiss me on the cheek. My

9:56

first crush was when I was six years old, and I

9:58

wrote about in my diary. every single day.

10:05

His name is Wesley Monteith and I still remember his

10:07

phone number. It's...

10:14

anyway. Yeah,

10:20

sometimes I wanted so much that I see

10:22

it everywhere. You

10:25

know, I make eye contact with strangers

10:28

on the street and for a fleeting

10:30

moment I wonder... Is

10:35

it you?

10:39

It's your day. It's

10:44

late. I only have two songs

10:47

on my phone and I'm listening to them over and over

10:49

again. I'm moseying down

10:51

the platform. The tiny straps in

10:53

my summer dress are slipping down my shoulders. The

10:56

air feels good. I'm

10:59

playing my favorite subway waiting

11:00

game. My eyes fall

11:03

on each person waiting here, scanning

11:06

to see if my heart jumps, to

11:08

see if there's somebody who will meet my gaze, somebody

11:12

I can stand beside and

11:13

contemplate talking to.

11:18

There's a girl with amber

11:19

hair and a pink lazy dress.

11:25

She's reading. Doesn't look it. Pain-cut

11:32

drunk guy. Is he

11:35

looking at me? Is he? Is he?

11:37

Alright, I'll look away.

11:41

Andro girl with two.

11:47

Dark

11:50

curly hair, beard,

11:53

tight jeans, scrappy t-shirt.

12:00

He looks away. No

12:04

prospects.

12:07

My phone is dead. Fuck. 45 minutes

12:11

of fucking boredom. Andrew

12:15

girl looks up. I think she

12:17

heard me say fuck. She

12:20

meets my eyes.

12:22

Two, three, four,

12:25

five. Well, I look away. I'm nervous. She's

12:27

a few feet away sitting on the bench. I

12:30

stare straight ahead. I can

12:32

tell my cheeks got left. What

12:35

if I just went over there and sat right beside?

12:37

So obvious. What if I sat down in the seat, not

12:39

right beside, but the one beside that one. You

12:41

can't sit in the one beside the one because it's just as fucking obvious.

12:44

You wonder what it would be like to kiss

12:45

her. Hey.

12:50

Hey you.

12:53

Hi. Hi.

12:56

What's up? Nothing.

13:01

Did your phone die? Yeah.

13:05

I know we're pretty much strangers,

13:07

but if you like it,

13:10

we can share my music. I mean, I don't think

13:12

it's weird. If you don't think it's weird.

13:15

Really? Yeah, why not? Okay.

13:20

Thanks.

13:24

Oh my God. I

13:26

love this. You really love this. I

13:28

was just listening to this. Shut

13:31

up. I listen to this every day. I have it on my phone.

13:33

I was listening to it on repeat. I mean, you

13:35

can't prove it because your phone's dead, but

13:38

you know that's like kind of hard to believe right now. I'm

13:40

so serious. I'm

13:43

so serious. I like your music.

13:45

Thank you. Yeah.

13:48

The conversation just stops.

13:52

We're just staring at each

13:54

other.

13:57

It feels like a really long time.

13:59

So what'd you do tonight? Well,

14:02

I played a show

14:05

with my band. You have a

14:07

band? Yeah, we're called Dumpster Pussy.

14:10

I start talking about

14:10

dreams,

14:13

love, whatever. Real shit. What's

14:17

your name? Her name is Ray. My name

14:19

is Caitlin. What would you name me if you had to name

14:21

me?

14:27

Name.

14:29

I like it. Wait, is that your name? No.

14:32

Oh. Why

14:35

name fans, Caitlin? I

14:37

used to think it's kind of a weird old lady name,

14:39

but I recently

14:42

made it some cool man name, and I think it's

14:43

a strong and beautiful

14:45

name for a woman.

14:48

I'm into it. Cool.

14:49

No, but what's your real name, actually?

14:52

Oh. It's Caitlin. Oh.

14:54

Cool, Caitlin. We take the train

14:56

together. We still have the earbuds

14:59

on.

15:13

Oh shit, this is my stop. Caitlin. So

15:15

nice meeting you. Um, you need to come over. Oh

15:19

my god. Sure.

15:25

Okay, thank god.

15:29

We gonna

15:31

have breakfast in the morning?

15:33

What are you gonna make?

15:36

Sunday. Then what happened? Did you guys

15:38

have sex? No, we didn't have sex. We

15:40

just like, made out and snuggled

15:43

and then talked, like, until the sun

15:45

came up. Like, we stayed up all night. Did

15:48

she get your number? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She got my number.

15:50

Did I tell you that she said that I was a strong

15:53

and beautiful woman? Yes. Yes, she

15:55

did.

15:55

What

15:58

about it? Did I tell you?

15:59

to jam with you? Yeah. Oh. And that's

16:02

great. And that's great. I don't know. I'm

16:04

sorry. I'm

16:06

just like, I think we might

16:08

be falling in love. Oh my god.

16:11

No, no,

16:11

I'm serious. I really think we are. I

16:13

don't know. I think that

16:15

we might be, you know? One night. I'm

16:19

still in bed. Ray left

16:21

for work an hour ago.

16:23

I feel like texting her. 11

16:24

53 am. Ray, thank

16:26

you. You are so

16:29

awesome. 12 22 pm.

16:31

Caitlin, I'm still buzzing. Thank

16:34

you. One pm. Let

16:36

me know if you want to do anything this

16:38

week. 1 12 pm. I want to do everything

16:40

with you. 1 20 pm. Come over. 1 45 pm.

16:44

Yes. Tuesday. 1

16:46

45 pm. I think you left your underpants

16:48

at my house. 2 pm. Leave

16:51

yours at my house and we can

16:53

call it even. 12 am.

16:54

Sweet Jane. 1202

16:56

am. I was just thinking

16:59

about you.

17:00

Good night. Wednesday. 3

17:02

pm. I wish we were in your bed with

17:04

nothing to do in the morning. 3 0

17:05

4 pm. We will show you 7 13 pm.

17:08

Beautiful Caitlin. I want to do

17:10

everything with you.

17:13

Beautiful Caitlin. I'm still

17:15

buzzing. I want to do everything with

17:21

you. Beautiful Caitlin. I just finished work.

17:41

We did it.

18:00

you're having a really good time

18:03

me too you're

18:06

getting mad aww

18:09

I love that hmm

18:15

do you think you're gonna live here forever? um

18:21

I don't really know, like my

18:24

parents live in Dallas and

18:27

they're pretty old I

18:29

feel like I might have to go back and take

18:33

care of the moon days hmm,

18:35

Dallas

18:38

I wonder what I would do in Dallas

18:40

do you think scary?

18:43

I wonder what I would do in a whole kind of job I would have okay

18:46

what? okay,

18:50

well oh,

18:53

sorry sorry

18:58

what are you gonna name your kids?

19:01

I don't know, I never really thought about them what's

19:05

up? well, that's

19:06

good cause Christmas is already

19:10

intermixed me

19:12

too me

19:17

too yes, honey I'm

19:21

just daydreaming about

19:23

what? about

19:26

you yep, I'm right here

19:30

Thursday

19:31

where I left this morning I'm

19:34

at my desk I

19:36

drank a little too much coffee sorry

19:40

I'm trying to write work emails

19:41

I have the latest notes but

19:48

it's so beautiful when I think of Nancy I just

19:50

think of like the

19:52

drop of a little bit and

19:54

I can't help it I'm so glad you're here

19:58

you're not? I'm busy I

20:06

should just

20:08

text her.

20:14

11.07 AM. Hey pretty girl. What

20:16

are you up to tonight? Wanna meet up? 12 PM.

20:19

Nothing. Put my phone back down. One PM. 2 PM.

20:22

I am checking my phone

20:25

too much. 2.22 PM. 5 PM. Mmhmm.

20:29

Ugh. God.

20:31

Mom. 7.05 PM. I

20:34

need to stop looking at my phone. Where is she?

20:38

It's only been a day. People

20:40

get busy. She's probably

20:42

working. She's probably working. She's probably working. Especially

20:45

if you really like her. Maybe I'll call. Maybe her phone's just broken

20:47

or something. Maybe something happened. Hey, this is Ray, not Iran right now.

21:04

Feel free to leave

21:06

me.

21:07

mandate andICT

21:10

you'll be done. Please

21:16

excuse this brief interruption.

21:19

We'll be right back.

21:34

Hey. Hey, girl. How

21:36

are you? I'm

21:39

going crazy. Like, I'm

21:42

going crazy. I haven't, I haven't, I

21:45

know it's only, it's been, okay, okay. It's

21:47

been a day. I know

21:49

it's only been a day. I

21:51

know. I know. Please.

21:59

Why does everything

22:02

sound like a comment?

22:07

How

22:07

does it sound like a comment?

22:14

Four kids. Seven.

22:20

Nine. You

22:24

were

22:27

texting every day and then you didn't hear anything. Eleven. That's

22:32

what I'm thinking. Distract yourself.

22:34

I know, I don't know, I've been trying. I'm just like,

22:36

I'm trying to work and I'm just, it's really, it's

22:39

not easy. I'm really not having a good

22:41

time. Okay, just one day and one phone

22:43

call.

22:43

Saturday. At

22:46

my desk again, nothing.

22:47

Trying to work. It's

22:50

been two days since hearing from

22:52

Ray.

22:53

11.05 AM. Ray. I

22:56

miss you. That's heavy. Why don't we try

22:58

something lighter? Ray.

23:02

What's up? How's your day going? This

23:04

is, this doesn't, oh yeah. I

23:07

have to go to the bank around the corner from your house

23:09

later this afternoon. Ray. I'm

23:12

heading to the bank later. Ray. I'm

23:15

doing some errands in your nave later. You

23:17

want to go for a stroll before or after?

23:19

Doing some errands in your nave.

23:23

5 PM. Are you around? You're

23:25

doing some errands in your nave. You should

23:27

be attacking you around. And before

23:29

you recognize. And so the point of that

23:31

is that it sometimes can be just off

23:34

one occasion. Off of one

23:36

to four or five things that

23:38

you've learned about them that you just take

23:40

and run with. The

23:43

movie aspect of it is you start planning

23:45

your life with this girl. Oh man, we're going to

23:48

be together this long. We crib together, house together.

23:51

Oh man, she's this, she's that. You're

23:53

in movies, you're in post-production before

23:55

you even know it. It's like, you know, end

23:58

scene. Like she's wrapped up. up.

24:00

I'm explaining theaters by then and

24:03

before you recognize

24:05

it.

24:08

But in reality it's always

24:11

like another person.

24:12

So how's Rey? I don't know. Really? What do you mean?

24:18

I haven't

24:28

heard from her at all.

24:29

Nothing. Nothing?

24:32

Yeah.

24:34

I mean from the last time we talked she's never

24:36

appeared. She's mine. Nothing.

24:37

I

24:39

feel stupid.

24:40

Yeah. Did you guys

24:43

talk about how you were feeling? Not

24:46

really. Caitlin,

24:49

are you okay? There

24:51

are all these things that we said we were gonna do.

24:53

Anyway, whatever.

24:56

I'm

24:59

sorry. Did

25:03

I make it all up?

25:07

Maybe she was never into it.

25:10

Oh shit, this is my stop. Caitlin, so

25:13

nice meeting you. You should come over.

25:17

If I hadn't asked her to

25:19

come over she just would have went home.

25:24

What about when she said... I want

25:31

to do everything with you. I want to do everything.

25:35

I want to do everything. I gotta

25:38

go. Wait, me? Wait, really?

25:40

I'm

25:41

not ready to stop hanging out.

25:43

We're having such a great time. We are having such a good time,

25:45

it's true. And like tomorrow's Sunday.

25:48

You make an excellent

25:50

point. Yeah. What do I have to do tomorrow?

25:52

Nothing. I don't have any breakfast.

25:55

Breakfast. Yeah.

25:57

She wanted to go. We felt the same way she would have...

28:00

Don't you try

28:02

to confess that

28:05

you find

28:07

happiness in

28:11

a tender,

28:13

correct

28:15

way of doing?

28:34

You have just

28:35

heard Movies in Your Head,

28:38

written and directed by me, Caitlin

28:40

Prest. Co-created, co-sound

28:42

designed, scored and mixed by

28:45

Shani Aviram. Editing

28:47

by Mitra Kaboli. Advising

28:50

from Sharon Mashihi. An associate

28:52

production by Shira Bannerman. You

28:55

heard Ayende Bennett telling

28:57

me about his friend who coined the term, Making

29:00

Movies in Your Head. You heard me performing

29:02

as myself. You heard Mitra Kaboli

29:05

performing as my love interest.

29:08

And you heard Shira Bannerman performing

29:11

as my friend and also my

29:13

child. This story won the

29:15

Priyatalia Gold Award

29:17

for New Formats in 2015. This

29:21

story that we made planted

29:23

a seed,

29:24

sparked a flame,

29:26

a curiosity and an

29:28

excitement about using

29:30

this medium that we've always used

29:33

to create personal documentaries. To

29:36

create personal documentary

29:38

fictions. And

29:41

I will be sharing some of those fictional

29:43

universes with you over the course of this

29:46

year and next. So stay

29:48

tuned. If you're desperate

29:50

to hear new work, please

29:53

donate at mermaidpalace.org.

29:57

In the meantime, you can follow me on Instagram

29:59

at CaitlinPrest. impressed or you can

30:01

sign up for our newsletter which you can

30:03

find on our website.

30:05

If you just finished this episode

30:07

and you're like, oh my god, what do I listen to now? I

30:10

highly recommend a new

30:12

Radio Topia show called Wait For It. It's

30:15

really, really good. I'm not going to say

30:17

anything more. Just please try it out.

30:20

If you like this show, you're going

30:21

to like that show. I swear to god. That's

30:24

it for now.

30:39

The heart is a proud member of

30:41

Radio Topia.