0:00

My name is Maddie Kelly. I'm a writer

0:02

and comedian, and along with my co-hosts, Mark

0:04

Chavez and Ryan Beal, we

0:06

are setting out to write a romantic comedy

0:08

movie script that is genuinely romantic

0:11

and actually funny.

0:12

Give me something that's both sexy and

0:14

romantic. Lacrosse. The sport?

0:18

And when we run into trouble, we'll get help from some

0:20

serious rom-com experts, people who have

0:22

worked on everything from 10 Things I Hate About You

0:24

to Mamma Mia.

0:25

This is all gold. It's

0:28

Let's Bake a Rom-Com, available now on

0:30

CBC Listen and everywhere you get your podcasts.

0:33

From Mermaid Palace and Radiotopia,

0:36

welcome to

0:40

The Heart. I'm

0:45

Caitlin Prest. Underneath

0:50

every story, there

0:53

are a hundred other stories. The

0:58

story of the muses, the makers,

1:01

the competitors, and the

1:03

gatekeepers. The

1:08

constraints around an artist's life that yield creation, and

1:15

the unlikely places inspiration takes hold.

1:21

What inspired me about documentary making over

1:24

a decade ago when I began was that

1:26

at its core, documentary

1:32

is a quest to capture truth. And

1:34

the more I create these elaborately

1:37

woven attempts at the truth, the

1:39

more I feel the need to tell the story underneath

1:41

the story, the

1:43

story of us, the

1:47

artists and writers who create this work and how we came to create it. The

1:51

last episode that you heard, Movies

1:54

in Your Head, was the first piece

1:56

of fiction that I ever saw.

1:59

made. When

2:02

we finished it and put it out into the world,

2:05

our show blew up a little

2:07

bit. Back

2:09

then we were called Audio Smut and

2:11

we were having a hell

2:14

of a time trying to get picked up by a public radio

2:16

station or network. It

2:18

was before podcasts were really a thing

2:20

that everybody knew about. Movies

2:23

in your head got shared far

2:25

and wide and our audience

2:27

grew and grew and only

2:30

a few months after we released it, Radiotopia,

2:35

one of the first podcast networks invented,

2:40

invited us to be part of their collection of

2:42

beautifully crafted public radio podcasts.

2:46

Three years after that, the

2:49

very same episode that brought the heart

2:52

into being brought

2:55

the heart to an end. After

2:58

making movies in your head, I wrote a treatment

3:01

for a limited-runs fiction series, thinking

3:04

about movies in your head, the episode that you heard

3:06

last time, as the pilot.

3:10

I loved creating a fictional universe

3:13

to tell the truth in a way that documentary never

3:15

could. I thought,

3:20

what would happen if in

3:22

the next episode we

3:27

were inside the point of view of Ray, the

3:30

love interest who disappeared? In my

3:35

imagination, Ray was

3:38

in a relationship with a

3:40

woman named Maria. Ray

3:43

was the stable, doting, relentlessly

3:46

loving partner and Maria

3:48

was the charismatic, wild

3:50

card, manic pixie dream girl type.

3:54

Not really that reliable, but

3:56

very exciting. One

3:59

day, Maria

5:59

the harder it gets.

6:02

And just as Rey is about to text Caitlin

6:05

to make their next plan, Maria

6:09

sighs a deep sigh. She

6:11

tells Rey that they need to talk. She's

6:14

feeling emotional about

6:17

Rey's new love interest, and

6:19

she's not so sure she wants to be in an

6:22

open relationship anymore. It's

6:25

one of those extremely dramatic and tear-filled

6:27

relationship talks where truths

6:30

are said that haven't been said yet

6:32

before, where

6:34

acknowledgements are made about

6:37

imbalances in the relationship, where

6:40

it feels like it's all about to end, and

6:42

instead of ending, it feels like it's

6:45

gone back to the beginning, and

6:47

the two people having the conversation are suddenly

6:50

madly in love again. Rey

6:53

is so taken with all of this that

6:58

she doesn't notice how long it's been since she

7:00

texted Caitlin. Rey

7:03

sees herself as a person of extreme

7:06

integrity, and so it's even harder

7:08

to admit the way that she's been

7:11

dishonest with Caitlin. She

7:13

blames polyamory. She never

7:15

should have tried it, but she still

7:17

waits a little longer

7:20

than is kind to

7:22

resurface in Caitlin's life. Just

7:26

as Rey is getting ready to finally

7:28

write back to Caitlin, she runs

7:30

into her at one of her shows

7:34

on a Saturday night. In

7:37

the next episode, of course, we would enter Maria's

7:39

point of view and learn

7:41

that obviously she had already been seeing

7:44

someone before she had the conversation with

7:46

Rey about opening the relationship, and

7:49

there would be something about the relationship

7:51

that Maria had that was tragic

7:54

and difficult, something

7:57

that she never shared with Rey,

7:59

we thought in Ray's episode

8:02

that Maria was selfish

8:05

and self-centered. Once we're living

8:08

in her point of view, we suddenly

8:10

feel like everything that she said

8:12

and everything that she did was completely

8:15

understandable and legitimate.

8:18

And it would go on like that from episode to

8:20

episode until we made a full circle

8:23

and everybody ended up

8:25

at the same bar at a

8:28

dumpster pussy show on a Saturday

8:30

night. It turns into

8:32

a comedy like the best

8:35

episodes of Friends where

8:37

the audience is the only one who knows the

8:39

exact situation that's unfolding.

8:43

Unlikely friendships form

8:45

and

8:46

somehow everybody

8:49

lives happily ever after.

8:59

And that is a story that

9:02

never got made.

9:04

It's 2018.

9:06

We put the heart on a break. Phoebe

9:09

Wang agrees to be the senior producer

9:11

of the new project that CBC

9:14

Podcasts has commissioned. The

9:16

movies in your head continuation that

9:19

you just heard. Sharon

9:22

Michihi has agreed to be the editor.

9:24

Shawnee Aviram has agreed to compose.

9:28

Me, Sharon and Phoebe moved to Toronto.

9:30

I'm living in a ground

9:32

floor apartment. It

9:37

was dark.

9:42

It wasn't just that I was

9:43

burnt out and drinking too much and

9:46

kind of depressed and dealing with a breakup.

9:50

The apartment actually really just didn't have

9:52

a lot of sunshine. The

9:55

sunniest room in this apartment was the bathroom.

9:59

Inside the bathroom there was a claw-foot bathtub

10:03

that I turned into my

10:05

office. Soggy

10:07

post-it notes clustered on

10:09

the floor. The sticky strip

10:12

would steam off from the times that

10:14

I used the bath as a bathtub. A

10:17

monitor screen sat on top

10:20

of a wooden stool and I would

10:22

put pillows in the bottom of the bathtub to

10:24

sit on as I wrote and

10:27

moaned in anguish at

10:30

how much I hated every

10:32

word I managed to

10:34

write. After

10:37

months of this, Phoebe Wang

10:39

marched into the bathtub

10:40

studio and demanded

10:42

that I forget about the radio play

10:45

I was trying to write.

10:47

I'm setting the timer for two hours,

10:50

she said. In

10:51

that time, I

10:52

want you to write down what you are actually

10:55

interested in writing about.

10:57

I can't take another

11:00

day of this.

11:03

What are you interested in today? Two

11:06

hours later, when she returned, I

11:09

had a six-episode outline scene

11:13

by scene by scene for

11:17

what we would later name, The

11:19

Shadows. A story

11:22

about falling in love with two different versions

11:24

of what love could be. A story

11:26

about what we gain and

11:30

what we give up when

11:32

we make a commitment to be

11:34

with one person and one person only. The

11:42

anatomy of a relationship, a

11:45

crush, a choice,

11:47

a resentment,

11:51

and an end.

11:54

The story underneath the story that The Shadows

11:58

is based on.

12:01

is one that I will never ever tell.

12:09

From CBC Podcasts. This

12:16

is the shout out.

12:23

Episode 1. Romantic.

12:36

What is it? The destined,

12:38

the love to die. I guess I always

12:40

felt like you were uncertain and that it was my

12:42

job to convince us both that this was a good

12:45

idea. Is

12:47

it

12:48

destiny or do

12:50

we have a choice? You know, like there's always gonna

12:52

be problems. There's always gonna

12:54

be friction. There's always gonna

12:56

be

12:58

fucked up shit, you know? Where

13:00

did this love story begin? Did

13:03

it begin when I was born?

13:08

What

13:12

the fuck? A

13:15

new life begun!

13:27

Where I grew up, there were

13:29

two choices for entertainment as a young person. Hockey

13:33

or heavy metal. I

13:36

preferred heavy metal. The

13:39

anti-establishment culture of heavy metal taught

13:41

me to look at the world through a critical lens. Seeing

13:45

all the ways that the world was broken. And

13:54

being angry about it.

13:56

At the same time,

13:57

I was a romantic. As

14:02

a romantic, I saw beauty.

14:05

I saw more than was really there.

14:08

I didn't just see the color red. I

14:10

saw the color

14:12

red. And

14:18

I believed wholeheartedly in

14:20

the ideal

14:22

of love.

14:24

It's the era where divorce is kind of accepted

14:26

as a natural cycle of love, and

14:29

people who stay together seem to hate each other in

14:31

the most banal ways.

14:33

I believe that I'm destined to be one

14:35

of the outliers. I'll be one of

14:37

the ones who falls in love passionately and

14:39

deeply and stays in love. Forever.

14:42

Dear Caitlin.

14:44

Dear Caitlin. Dear Caitlin. Dear

14:46

Caitlin. When I'm not moshing at a heavy metal show, I'm

14:48

dreaming of what my great love

14:51

will look like and be.

14:52

I inspire you to be a good person.

14:55

I know what being good is. It's going to be love

14:57

letters every day. Write true love letters and hide

14:59

them for you to find in surprising moments. Like the

15:01

cutlery drawer or the folder where you put

15:03

your unopened mail. I support your artwork

15:06

and career. They're going to be art stars. I play guitar

15:08

for you and write songs about

15:09

you. I go to the desert with you and dance naked

15:11

at death. Weirdos. I pool hop in the summers

15:13

and eat pies stolen from people's windows. I gather

15:16

roofs of buildings and smoke weed sitting on

15:18

a chimney with you. We will live in a house that

15:20

we build with our own hands in the country by

15:22

the ocean. Where we are eccentric, make beautiful work,

15:24

and potentially become world famous. Let

15:27

us get married. We will get married really early and shock

15:29

all of our anti-establishment friends. Let us get married

15:31

really early and be anti-establishment

15:33

against being anti-establishment.

15:34

We would have an open relationship so we'd

15:36

never take each other for granted. So we'd

15:38

never take each other for granted. But

15:41

in the end, never ever sleep

15:43

with anyone else. I love you from

15:45

the future. Your great love. Your

15:48

great love. Your

15:49

great love.

15:52

The romantic in me wanted the fairy tale.

15:54

And the anti-establishment in me wanted

15:57

to overthrow tradition. Tradition

15:59

is just another word. status quo. And therein

16:01

was one of many sets of conflicting

16:03

desires that were at war within me.

16:07

Another set of conflicting desires was that in

16:10

addition to having a great love, I wanted

16:12

to be a great artist. Someone

16:14

once told me you can only ever have one or the

16:16

other in a lifetime.

16:18

I want both.

16:21

As soon as I turn 18, I moved to the big

16:23

city to be an artist.

16:25

Mont, you're on.

16:29

On the exact border between Ontario

16:31

and Quebec, between the US and

16:33

Canada,

16:34

on the shores of the St. Lawrence River, Lake

16:36

Ontario, and the Atlantic Ocean,

16:39

there is a city.

16:42

Everyone who lives in the city contests

16:44

whether it's actually an American or a Canadian

16:47

city, whether it's actually

16:49

in Ontario or Quebec.

16:52

There's the official truth, the truth

16:54

that's on the legal documents, but

16:57

nobody in the city gives a shit about that.

16:59

Some identify as Canadians, others

17:02

as Americans, some as

17:05

Francophone, others as

17:07

Anglophone. It has

17:09

rats and mountains of garbage and a rotting

17:11

subway system that makes you wait for eternity

17:14

and smells like vomit and piss. It

17:17

has streetcars on the streets

17:20

with fuzzy red seats inside. Fancy

17:23

brunches are eaten by rich people on Sundays

17:26

while poor young people dance on

17:28

the mountain that the city was built

17:30

on. Mount, you're

17:32

on.

17:38

No, it's pronounced

17:40

Mont-jor-ho.

17:42

Mont-jor-ho. No,

17:43

Mont-you're on. Hello, everyone

17:46

knows that the real Montronians call it Montron.

17:50

Quite frankly, it's a mess. And

17:53

from that mess, the best art in

17:55

the world was created.

18:06

I play music

18:09

in the

18:13

subway for wine money.

18:23

I'm

18:28

in my mermaid getup. The mermaid

18:30

getup has been a massive

18:32

success. My

18:36

first foray into puppetry was inspired by

18:38

a man I saw playing music in the

18:40

subway. The

18:47

man was playing a tiny, weird, brown

18:49

electric piano.

18:55

He was wearing a sailor suit and had created

18:57

a small

18:57

cardboard boat that he was sitting

18:59

in. It was a perfect sculpture.

19:03

It looked just like a boat, but it was

19:05

made out of cardboard.

19:07

He had a fishing pole with a top hat on the

19:09

end of it for people to show their appreciation

19:11

for his music.

19:11

It was full.

19:15

It wasn't what you would ordinarily consider

19:17

to be puppetry, but the way

19:19

he created his cardboard universe around him

19:21

set me down a path of cardboard universes

19:23

that brought me to Montrerasne's puppetry

19:26

scene.

19:30

There are people who work full-time in their art, and

19:32

there are people who do not. The

19:35

people who do not make up the majority of the artists in

19:37

Montrerasne. They work side

19:39

jobs in restaurants, call centers, and massage

19:41

parlors. People say that it suits

19:43

their art to work in a restaurant half the time, but

19:46

I don't believe them. To

19:48

be a full-time puppeteer is

19:52

unheard of. And the three P's of puppetry

19:53

are pain, poverty, and

19:55

partial blindness. Because...

19:59

When you're performing, you know, there's the

20:02

pain of like holding a horrible position

20:04

for extended periods of time. Partial blindness, like

20:06

half the time you're inside some sort

20:08

of giant thing. You can't see what you're doing. You're,

20:10

you know, you're in a parade and you're going to trip

20:13

on something or someone's going to throw something at you. And

20:15

then, yeah, I think the poverty is pretty self-explanatory.

20:19

Even puppeteers themselves don't call themselves puppeteers.

20:22

They call themselves performers.

20:25

To be a full-time puppeteer, you

20:27

have to have something figure the fiddle.

20:32

I am nothing

20:34

close to a full-time puppeteer.

20:37

Right now, my puppetry game consists of these

20:39

five cardboard waves I made from a box I found

20:41

in the garbage, painted gold, my

20:43

mermaid tail, which is just me

20:46

squeezed into the single leg of a stocking,

20:47

and my

20:50

accordion.

21:16

When I busk in the subway, I look for the man in the

21:18

boat. I wonder if he might see

21:20

me, and my mermaid get up,

21:23

and know instantaneously that I

21:25

created this as an answer to his question

21:28

of how to be a weirdo in this world.

21:44

I used to make five to ten bucks an hour in the subway

21:47

playing my accordion, but as the mermaid,

21:49

I make 20 to 30 bucks an hour.

21:53

On my way home, I scour the

21:55

dumpsters for my dinner and materials

21:57

for my next puppet play.

21:59

apply to perform at the More of Everything puppetry

22:02

festival on the East Coast.

22:05

And every year

22:06

they reject me.

22:08

This year if they reject me again I'm planning

22:10

on paying my own way and performing on the

22:12

sidewalk

22:13

whether they like it or not. It's almost

22:15

like you guys are like the shadow of

22:17

puppets. Okay.

22:19

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

22:20

We can do that. Right? Sure. I'm

22:22

volunteering with my mentors puppet company

22:24

so I can learn more about the medium

22:26

and

22:27

meet people who are working in the industry if

22:29

you can call puppetry an industry. Right.

22:30

You can hold me a little tighter if

22:32

you want. Yeah. Yeah.

22:35

A little tighter.

22:36

Tighter. Great. Great. Great. We're

22:40

working a larger than life-sized puppet. This

22:47

is my favorite kind. It

22:49

takes two people to operate. I'm

22:51

the head and the right arm and

22:53

this conventionally attractive and conservatively

22:56

dressed dude is the body and

22:58

the left arm. Okay. Well,

23:00

that was you guys reading. We're not. Okay.

23:02

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

23:04

Clink, clink.

23:20

The restaurant I work in is named after the Persian philosopher

23:22

and poet roomie.

23:25

There's a letter from Leonard Cohen above the

23:27

bread cutting board. It's

23:29

not even framed. Dear roomie. I

23:31

love this restaurant.

23:33

Love Leonard. My boss

23:35

calls me clink clink

23:37

because every shift I break at least one glass.

23:40

I broke a bowl of soup down a woman's back once.

23:43

I broke a tray of glasses full of sangria

23:46

on a bunch of fancy purse ladies.

23:48

As a result,

23:49

my boss only schedules me when the restaurant

23:52

is empty. The day shift Tuesday

23:54

evenings, which

23:56

is why I play music in the subway and go dumpster

23:58

diving for my food.

23:59

What do

24:02

you want to do this weekend? Um,

24:07

I think I already told you. Like,

24:09

I'm going away, right? I'm in a relationship

24:12

with a total babe who writes me love letters. Dear

24:14

Caitlin,

24:15

I write you love letters and hide them for you to find

24:17

in places that seem boring. Which, ever since

24:19

high school, I've considered to be the highest

24:22

form of intelligence. I play guitar for you

24:24

and write songs about you. In a moment of idealism,

24:26

I talk them into being in an open relationship. Because you feel

24:28

jealous doesn't mean that I've done

24:30

something wrong. No, but how would you feel if I told

24:32

you I made it with someone else? I would feel jealous

24:35

and I would like take a deep breath and think

24:37

about the pleasure that you felt in that moment

24:39

and be happy for you. And now they're going

24:41

away on a trip to Loonenburg.

24:44

Oh. I planned that trip

24:46

to go see Riz. Um,

24:50

hey Megan, does Connor say hey? I

24:53

hope you're having fun. Miss you, love

24:55

you. Say hi

24:56

to Riz. This is the third

24:59

message I've left for them this week.

25:01

I was too proud to tell them that this

25:03

would be hard for me. Do you want me to call you every day?

25:05

Or how do you want me to do this? I just want to

25:07

make sure you feel good about it. I only, I

25:09

mean, I only want you to call me if you feel like calling me.

25:11

You

25:12

know? Okay.

25:14

And I don't want you to feel like, like, ignoring

25:17

you or anything like that. Right. Yeah.

25:19

But like, you're okay, right? Like... Yeah,

25:22

I'm fine. And you know I love

25:24

you. Yeah. My pride will

25:26

not let me call them again.

25:28

So I just wait and try

25:30

to exercise mental discipline.

25:34

I don't think about it. I don't think about... Hey,

25:37

KP. How's it going? Uh,

25:40

Riz and I decided to buy a house together and live

25:42

in it without you. I

25:44

love you. I love you. I don't think

25:46

about what they might be getting up to. Well, what about

25:49

Caitlin? I

25:51

mean, I love KP, but there's

25:54

just some things she doesn't have to do. I need a better

25:56

pursuit of the industry, but like, where's not going

25:58

to be?

25:59

I love her, but I...

26:00

My mind tortures me with all of the possibilities.

26:03

Barely holding

26:03

this waitress child. She just can't talk to

26:05

me. I'm trying to think I'm gonna stay here for like a little

26:07

bit. You're not coming back?

26:10

Caitlin, you're off rhythm. Of course I'm off rhythm. It's

26:12

not because I'm heartbroken and can't even do myself

26:14

the dignity of telling my partner about it. I love you. It's

26:17

because my puppet partner is awkward and has

26:19

no movement. I feel like you, it's like the

26:21

right and the left side of this puppet is like two completely

26:24

different operators. So like I need your energy

26:26

to be like a little bit more of a thing. Okay,

26:28

Charlie. Just

26:30

look at each other. Can I

26:32

read it?

26:33

I have an innate mistrust

26:36

of people who are conventionally attractive. I

26:38

call them magazine hot.

26:40

I kind of judge them for conforming to a certain

26:42

kind of beauty standard. Maybe

26:44

I'm just intimidated by the power

26:46

that they have in this world that I lack.

26:49

This guy doesn't have a crescent moon of dirt

26:52

underneath his fingernails. Designer jeans,

26:54

button up shirt, iron.

26:55

Who irons their shirt? We're in our 20s.

26:58

I look down at my own hands and I wonder if I've ever

27:00

seen my fingernails without the black crust of unknown

27:02

origin underneath.

27:04

I wonder if the reason he's so stiff is because he

27:06

doesn't want

27:06

to be touching me. Someone's

27:33

dropping a five in. That's

27:35

a real honor. Hey, thank you.

27:37

Oh my god. My puppet partner. Rehearsal

27:39

guy.

27:40

Hi. Charlie,

27:42

right? Yeah, Charlie. Yeah. Caitlin,

27:44

right? Yeah. Hey, nice to see you. Nice

27:46

to see you too. Well, what are you

27:48

doing? You look like you're

27:51

about to go and collect some checks.

27:53

Um, yeah, no, I

27:55

really don't normally dress like this. This is...

27:58

I've got to work.

27:59

I

28:03

guess I'm kind of lucky enough that I actually get to do puppetry

28:05

full-time things. What? Are

28:07

you serious? Yeah, yeah. I'm actually

28:09

on my way to a meeting about this Henson

28:12

grant that I've got. Yeah.

28:14

So that's kind of- Hot Dude works full-time in puppetry?

28:16

What the fuck? Whoa, holy shit. Are

28:18

you gonna get it? Oh, I'm not.

28:19

I'm not.

28:21

Oh, you have it. The Henson Foundation.

28:24

Yes. The Jim Henson Foundation

28:26

of Sesame Street fame is one of the only

28:29

performance institutions that funds puppetry,

28:32

especially experimental puppetry, which is the

28:34

thing that I'm most interested in. I think I might have

28:36

even heard of that. I heard on a radio. I would

28:38

love to like hang

28:41

out and like ask you questions. Could

28:44

I ask you questions? Maybe after

28:46

the Becky rehearsal tomorrow, could I like, maybe I

28:48

could show you something? I don't know. I

28:50

mean, I would think you probably get that a lot, but- Yeah,

28:53

sure. Yeah, tomorrow? Does that

28:55

work for you? Yeah. Cool.

28:57

Oh

28:57

my God. Sorry about that. Oh shit,

29:00

yeah. I don't know. I just always-

29:02

Tomorrow. Yeah, great. I'll

29:04

send you out. Have a good day

29:06

and I hope your meeting

29:10

goes on.

29:14

I frantically try to polish the show I've

29:16

been working on.

29:17

It's the one I submitted to the festival.

29:19

I wrote it up in the proposal, but I've never actually done

29:21

it.

29:22

It's a feminist interpretation of the allegory

29:24

of Plato's cave.

29:26

The shadow puppet play, my favorite kind. I'm

29:28

going to do a short version of it.

29:30

Okay, are you ready?

29:35

Mm-hmm.

29:41

I'm procrastinating because I'm nervous.

29:44

Sometimes I wonder of how successful you can be in any

29:46

art medium is dependent on how much money you have to

29:49

invest in it. I'm nervous. I'm nervous.

29:52

I can't help but be slightly intimidated by Charlie's

29:54

fancy studio. It's

29:57

like his designer jeans. He has stacks at the

29:59

highest quality.

29:59

materials, clay, paint,

30:03

a wood shop even.

30:06

I tell myself

30:09

he's going to love how scrappy my show is, doing

30:12

a lot with little is my specialty.

30:15

And it became very attached to the names and

30:17

the stories of the figures moving on the wall.

30:20

Over time

30:23

they became incapable of

30:25

understanding the difference between the figures moving

30:27

on the wall and their own selves.

30:30

The end. What

30:32

do

30:33

you think? Tell

30:36

me your thoughts. Tell me everything.

30:40

I

30:43

guess I find the part, the cave part

30:45

a little bit on the nose. It's kind

30:49

of cliche. Yeah. The stories

30:51

that everybody knows but.

30:54

Right. So like the

30:57

mermaid thing that I saw. I've

30:59

never seen anything like that. It was completely.

31:01

My subway get up.

31:03

It

31:06

felt like this complete performance and it was really

31:08

weird and whimsical.

31:11

What should

31:15

I do? I don't know. What

31:18

should

31:18

you do? Um. Do your work.

31:21

You can do whatever you want. I know.

31:23

But. Um. Thanks

31:26

for your feedback. I really appreciate it. Sure. Of

31:28

course.

31:29

After I showed Charlie my play, I kind of.

31:36

Wanted to walk out of the studio and never talk to

31:38

him again.

31:40

But I thought to myself, Caitlin, don't be an idiot.

31:42

He seems nice. He seems to want to help.

31:45

You

31:45

can just hang out with this person and become good through osmosis.

31:48

So every day after

31:50

Becky rehearsal, I gather the courage to ask him

31:52

if I can show him a new draft.

31:55

Or just work at his fancy studio so I can

31:57

try on feeling like a professional.

32:00

He seems not to mind. Either I want

32:03

to have no idea that there's a human behind it

32:05

or I want to know everything about the human behind

32:08

it. That it's you, Caitlin, and that these are

32:10

extensions of you. So I go almost

32:12

every day.

32:13

What's interesting about a mermaid is

32:15

that she's two things at once. And

32:17

I wonder if a mermaid is ever at war with

32:19

whether she's a human or

32:21

a set. Yeah, yeah, I

32:23

like that idea. A quick question.

32:25

Yeah. Week after

32:27

week. Like, I don't like Sesame Street. Do you?

32:30

Well, but then there's the dark crystal. What's

32:32

that? It's

32:34

a Jim Henson. What? Month

32:36

after month. That was really, really

32:38

good. Really? I can safely

32:41

say I don't think I've ever seen anything quite

32:44

like it. Wow. I

32:46

could help you document it. Really?

32:49

Yeah.

32:49

He helps me resubmit my application to the More of

32:51

Everything festival.

32:52

I love you, but...

32:54

My relationship ends. I

32:56

just kind of think that

32:59

we're done. I was thinking about making the eyes out of thread.

33:01

What do you think?

33:03

Yeah. If

33:05

you do have wool, though, it'll...

33:07

Working together becomes our excuse

33:10

to hang out. Not good. You eat breakfast?

33:13

What do you eat for breakfast? Usually

33:15

eggs.

33:17

Um, can we have

33:19

one butter chicken roece and

33:22

one sog paneer roece, please?

33:23

I'll slice your cookies.

33:25

Medium? And will we share?

33:27

Yeah. I love it for sight a lot.

33:29

It's kind of my way. And I met this... You don't

33:31

have friendship food? Like, you actually have a word for that. Yeah, like, platonic

33:34

sleepover. Don't do it. What? No.

33:37

Why? I don't know. I

33:39

feel like sleeping in the same bed with

33:41

somebody who's just about as intimate

33:44

as fucking me.

33:50

I will totally bury myself for

33:53

a relationship's sake. With

33:55

someone like Charlie who takes great pride in being a reserved person,

33:57

a

33:58

private person.

33:59

feels truly.

34:01

I pay for feminist

34:03

porn. You do? Truly

34:06

privileged. I feel like it's the ethical thing

34:08

to do. To learn things, surely.

34:10

No one else in the world knows. I smoke

34:12

weed every day, you know. What? Anytime

34:15

I try to prolong things or bring

34:17

it outside the studio. Hello,

34:20

this is Charlie Parker. Hello. I'm

34:23

not available at the moment. He never answers

34:25

my phone calls and I will get back to you

34:27

as soon as possible.

34:29

Thank you. Oh. Hi

34:33

Charlie.

34:34

Call me back. Hey

34:35

Caitlin. Yeah? You can hear

34:37

us back. Yeah. What's

34:42

up? Could

34:44

I just like use you for a second? See

34:46

what it looks like to have

34:48

the projections against some

34:51

of this like a,

34:52

I think maybe this fabric thing

34:54

here. Okay.

34:58

No, I don't. That's

35:02

kind of a natural position. I'm

35:04

gonna, can I grab, I'm

35:06

gonna, no, can I like touch

35:09

your hip here so I can move you this

35:12

way?

35:12

He put his hand on my waist.

35:13

Something.

35:16

Different hands are

35:18

strong but really soft.

35:21

He's standing really close. Really, really soft.

35:23

I can feel his breath. His

35:26

freckles.

35:26

He

35:32

smells good. This

35:40

is not. Yeah,

35:42

no. Okay, cool. Great.

35:46

Thanks. Is

35:51

that, do you need anything else? No.

35:55

Okay, cool. Thank you. I

35:58

mean, you're welcome. You're

35:59

welcome.

36:02

Please excuse this brief interruption.

36:04

We'll

36:05

be right back.

36:13

I imagine Charlie to be the kind

36:16

of person who does banking on the weekends.

36:18

I imagine him on a Saturday morning,

36:21

getting up at 9, making his coffee,

36:24

putting his glasses on,

36:25

and quietly sorting out all of the receipts

36:28

he's collected from the week. Thinking

36:31

about him doing that makes me want to do my banking

36:33

on the weekends.

36:35

I open Google Excel for the first time in my

36:37

adult life.

36:39

I create a spreadsheet.

36:41

I think of him while I do my finances.

36:43

Kaitlyn, your

36:45

spreadsheet.

36:49

I imagine myself becoming a little bit

36:51

more like the kind of person he might like to date.

36:54

Your columns. Hey Kaitlyn.

36:57

Wow.

36:58

Very impressive. Are you working

37:00

on a spreadsheet? That looks amazing.

37:08

I was hoping you would like it. I've

37:11

been working on it for quite some time.

37:16

Can I see yours? Wow.

37:19

I mean,

37:21

there are columns and there are columns.

37:25

Hello, Rose. This

37:29

is

37:30

Charlie Hart. I'm

37:32

a real world woman. I'm

37:35

a woman of the first all-year-old and published

37:38

in the hospital. Okay. Fuck

37:40

me, home? Maybe

37:45

it will be eccentric. Maybe like

37:47

a barn. Or

37:51

even like a porch or something. Workshop

37:53

and build a house and have like a

37:56

goat. Charlie,

38:00

Charlie, Charlie,

38:04

oh Charlie.

38:07

Hey Charlie. Hey guys.

38:11

So I'm late. You good? Yeah,

38:13

I'm good. You ready to go? Yeah.

38:16

Okay. Come here. Okay.

38:18

It's the last rehearsal. Becky's pretty

38:21

much finished workshopping the piece that

38:23

Charlie and I have done. Charlie

38:26

and I are totally in sync. Could Charlie

38:28

ever be into someone like me? I'm

38:32

not

38:32

magazine who I refuse. Harry likes,

38:34

Harry Pitts, Harry

38:36

V, never gonna

38:38

shave, no deodorant, no makeup, no bra. But

38:41

why am I not asking myself

38:43

if I could ever be into someone like him? Could

38:45

I ever really fall in love with someone

38:48

who isn't? I'm not asking myself if I could

38:50

ever be into someone like him. Could

38:53

I ever really fall in love with someone who isn't

38:56

queer at all, self-identifies as squelch,

38:58

loves, politeness? I feel

39:00

like you're definitely

39:01

the animal. I kind

39:03

of feel like you forgot about the puppet. I'm

39:05

like, I'm watching you guys performing, but that's okay.

39:08

Yeah, you know. Oh fuck,

39:10

I have to go. I'm late for

39:12

my shift. Oh shit, okay.

39:15

I'll see you on Friday. Okay,

39:17

great. Okay, bye. Bye. I

39:20

learned the lessons of life, waitressing.

39:31

I learned that if you apologize too much, people

39:33

think that

39:33

you're wrong, even if you're not. I

39:36

learned that if you set people's expectations for disaster,

39:39

they can weather it gracefully. Or at least,

39:41

they can't really blame you. I

39:44

learned how to pour Moroccan tea three

39:46

feet above into a tiny glass.

39:49

I learned how to manipulate time, stretch

39:52

seconds all the way into minutes, just

39:54

by way of speed, precision,

39:57

and practice.

39:59

I learned that people would

39:59

money just want the best

40:01

and they don't think you're being rude when you offer them the most

40:04

expensive bottle on the wine menu. The

40:07

work I'm doing at Charlie's house every single day perfecting

40:09

how to manipulate objects my body

40:11

is making me into an incredible waitress.

40:16

My boss starts scheduling me at prime

40:18

time Friday night Saturday

40:21

night

40:22

I'm making bank

40:24

I have enough money to buy a plane ticket in Nova Scotia

40:26

I even have enough money to buy slightly

40:29

nicer materials even though I don't really

40:31

need to because Charlie's lending me all his stuff. As

40:35

soon as I'm done my shift today I'm buying

40:37

my ticket.

40:44

Hello.

40:45

Hi is this Caitlin? Yeah

40:48

this is this is Caitlin. Hi Caitlin

40:51

this is Jessie from the More of Everything Festival.

40:54

Oh. I just wanted to call to say that we want

40:56

to welcome you to the festival this year as one of our artists.

40:58

Oh my god.

41:01

We'll be flying you out to Halifax and then

41:03

for the performance we have a four thousand

41:06

dollars stipend. Oh my god. You

41:08

did come highly recommended you should know. Oh

41:10

my god.

41:13

Hello this is Charlie Park.

41:16

I'm not available at the moment but leave your name. Charlie

41:23

I got into this. I spend

41:25

the week practicing my play like cozy

41:28

and finally it's my last night before the fest.

41:31

I've talked Charlie into getting beers with me to celebrate.

41:37

Should I get another

41:39

beer? Always.

41:41

What kind do you want? Another beer I don't want. More

41:44

tiny. Why are you putting your

41:47

finger in the camera? Oh my

41:49

god. We're

41:56

trashed.

41:59

Cool, this is your

42:02

house. This

42:08

is my house. I don't

42:11

want it to end. Well, have

42:14

a nice trip. Yeah. Yeah.

42:20

And... You

42:22

ready? Uh, okay.

42:26

Okay.

42:29

Actually, can I just stay here with you?

42:32

Like a sleepover? Um...

42:35

Yeah, sure.

42:38

Okay, cool. And

42:44

the award goes to... Charlie

42:48

Park! Thank

42:53

you very much. I really

42:55

appreciate this award. I've got a few

42:57

thank yous to do. Most of all,

42:59

my wife, my collaborator, the

43:02

love of my wife. I can

43:04

make the futon up for you.

43:06

Okay, yeah, cool.

43:08

I mean, it's...

43:09

I think I just have like a little light

43:12

blanket. Wow.

43:17

He takes off all of his clothes except for his adorable

43:20

boxer brief.

43:20

I'm

43:22

a little surprised. Nice

43:24

underpants. Oh, thanks.

43:28

Okay,

43:29

goodnight.

43:33

He pops down on the bed. I

43:35

take my place on the futon across the room. It's

43:39

not so far from the bed. I

43:42

can hear him breathing.

43:48

Making a move. I've

43:50

never made a move in my entire life.

43:53

I don't know how to woo. I

43:56

don't know how to gracefully, artfully, or

43:58

sexually pursue. Sometimes

44:00

I wonder if there's something fundamentally fucked

44:02

up about the way we romanticize the act of

44:04

pursuit. Just taking

44:08

someone.

44:08

But I still

44:10

wonder if Charlie would like that. I'm

44:14

worried that if I go over there and

44:16

ask if I can snuggle in with him he might just say yes

44:19

on an impulse, like so many of us

44:21

do.

44:21

Before he really

44:23

knows what he wants. Can

44:42

I, um, can

44:45

I sleep beside you? I

44:48

don't want to sleep by

44:51

myself. Uh, yeah, sure.

44:54

He's

44:58

on his

45:07

side. I'm on my side. I

45:12

accidentally, totally on purpose, just splay

45:14

my legs out.

45:20

I put my foot in the aura

45:22

of his foot, not touching.

45:28

He doesn't move his foot away.

45:30

I feel the electricity of how close we

45:32

are. Just knowing

45:34

he's lying there, the

45:36

small intimacy of this moment.

45:39

I resolve to be content with it and try to fall

45:41

asleep.

45:46

He moves his foot.

45:49

Definitely not an accident. And

45:53

then he pulls

45:57

me on top of him, on top of him. because

46:00

we're drunk.

46:08

His thigh is between my thighs. I'm

46:10

afraid he'll notice how wet I am. Only

46:14

a pair of adorable blue boxer briefs and

46:17

black cotton granny panties

46:19

lie between us.

46:23

You're really good at snuggling.

46:26

You sound surprised. I am a

46:29

little surprised. I

46:31

have to pee like a motherfucker, but

46:33

I don't move. I become afraid that if

46:35

I leave, that suddenly the

46:38

rules we've been following this whole time will be back in

46:40

play.

46:41

It's really his sleeping.

46:50

I fall asleep with a full bladder and pray I don't

46:53

dream of waterfalls.

46:56

It's the morning.

47:02

My flight's today. We have to follow the rules again now.

47:04

Come closer.

47:13

Should we get up? Oh

47:16

yeah. Okay. That

47:20

feels nice.

47:25

It seems almost like an extension

47:27

of touching his face

47:29

to let my finger trace his lips.

47:32

It's the closest I can come to kissing him.

47:34

It's almost like kissing.

47:37

It's basically kissing. You

47:40

have really nice lips. Thank

47:44

you. I love this.

47:46

He begins doing the same to me.

47:49

We're both smiling. I

47:52

move my face a little closer.

47:54

So close that it's obvious now I'm asking

47:56

a question. Please. One, two.

48:00

100 you agree?

48:27

And then... You're

48:46

looking if we don't P to V.

48:50

You know what I mean? What?

48:52

When is it? P to V. P to V? Yeah.

48:55

P and V. Um,

48:58

yeah. P and V. Do

49:02

you like hand jobs? Hand jobs. And

49:05

then...

49:07

Ahh... I

49:11

don't know. I just don't

49:12

really want to go on a big long trip and wonder

49:14

the whole time...

49:16

what this was about, you know?

49:20

And so... Oh...

49:26

Like I like you.

49:29

Like a lot. And

49:33

I... Yeah, I don't

49:35

know. I guess I want to know... What

49:39

the deal is. I

49:45

mean, I like you a lot. I

49:48

feel like this. I

49:51

like the version of myself that I kind of

49:53

want

49:54

to be. And I'm a few more. And

49:58

also... That's what it

50:00

looks about. I'm

50:04

a little bit worried and nervous about... ...how

50:08

much I love you.

50:10

And so,

50:13

you have the power to break me.

50:16

You're

50:16

beautiful. I

50:19

like you a lot. I will fall

50:21

in love with anybody. I will

50:23

totally bury myself. Horrendous

50:26

relationships. You're doing that. For some reason.

50:30

You're not going to know. No, I don't know. It's weird.

50:32

It's like I can be myself or something. I don't

50:34

want to make it. I

50:38

adore you. I adore

50:40

you. I

50:56

love you. I

50:58

love you. I love you. I

51:02

love you. I

51:05

love you. I love you. I

51:08

love you. I love you.

51:13

I always cry when I fall in love. I

51:16

cry because it's the moment I realize

51:18

I won't be getting out of this

51:19

when scarred. I

51:38

get to Halifax, the performance festival.

51:44

I'm ready to go. I'm ready

51:46

to go. I'm

51:49

ready to go. I'm ready to go.

51:52

I get to Halifax, the

51:54

performance festival. The party.

52:00

Ahhh!

52:06

Why is this so funny, you know? Yeah,

52:09

I'm good. You need to give

52:11

it a lot. Hey, hey, go. They'll

52:13

be trying to get the most for you. Well,

52:19

of course, man, that's not the way, boys! What

52:22

do you love? What do you

52:23

love about being here? You, I like you. Ah, because,

52:25

um... You're good for a person

52:28

and you're new. Thank you, girl. Ah,

52:31

but I wanted to be on this engagement with you.

52:33

No. What

52:36

about Heather? Heather.

52:40

Hey!

52:44

What time is it right now? 9 o'clock?

52:48

Morning? It's

52:50

like night number two.

52:53

All the other nights are

52:55

kind of like... And will we have the pirate

52:57

round? The wine's long gone.

53:01

No, come back. Ha ha ha.

53:11

I've been wondering all day,

53:14

and I... It's

53:23

cold in here. Yeah. We

53:26

have the... ...sir?

53:44

Hello. This is Charlie Park. I'm

53:46

not available at the moment, but leave your name and number,

53:48

and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank

53:51

you, ****.

53:52

Hey, Charlie. Um,

53:55

having a great time. I've been actually

53:57

traveling all around the east coast.

53:59

The festival was amazing. I went

54:02

to Newfoundland. I went to Cape Breton.

54:06

Yeah,

54:08

anyway, I'm thinking of you.

54:13

I can't wait to see you.

54:26

This was episode one of The

54:28

Shadows.

54:30

If you loved it and you don't want to wait

54:32

for two weeks until the next

54:35

episode comes out,

54:37

the truth is that I already made this show,

54:40

and it's

54:41

already out in the world on

54:43

its own podcast feed.

54:45

So you can go there and binge

54:47

it if you want.

54:50

But you won't get the juicy

54:52

tidbits of the story underneath the story

54:54

of how it was made.

54:58

So

54:59

here is Sharon Michihi

55:02

reading the credits. If you

55:04

want to see pictures of KP and Charlie

55:06

doing their beautiful thing in Montserrat, follow

55:09

us on Instagram and Twitter at TheShadowCbc.

55:12

You can also follow my favorite

55:14

person in the world, the real Caitlin Prest,

55:16

at CaitlinPrest. This episode

55:19

was written, directed, and produced by

55:21

Caitlin. Mitchell Akiyama was

55:23

a principal performer. This episode was

55:25

graced with real-life puppeteers

55:28

who build things with their hands and then put

55:30

their fingers inside them and move them around, and

55:33

all of these people appeared as themselves. They

55:35

are Becky O'Neill, Jesse Orr,

55:38

and Max Kelly.

55:39

You can find Becky's puppetry and animation

55:42

work at bekoneal.ca.

55:45

The More of Everything Festival was named after

55:47

a real company that Jesse and Max

55:50

had in Montreal. You also

55:52

heard the voices of Megan Castle,

55:55

Harry Nazen, Johnny Spence, and

55:57

everyone's favorite tarot card reader, Rizz

55:59

Yum. Their team includes Caitlin

56:02

Press, director, Phoebe Wang, senior producer,

56:04

Sharon Mashihi, editor, Yasmin Mechirah,

56:07

associate producer, Olivia Pascarelli, digital

56:09

producer, Shani Aviram, composer and

56:12

associate sound designer, Arif Noorani

56:14

is our executive producer, Tanya Springer

56:16

is senior producer of CBC podcasts, and

56:19

Leslie Merklinger is senior director of audio

56:21

innovation. Our advisory

56:23

board is Dylan Ghosh, Mooj,

56:27

unrealistically high standards, Zadie

56:29

and Jonathan Mitchell. Special

56:31

thanks to Greg Wong and Ray Dooley.

56:34

You are still listening to The

56:36

Heart.

56:37

The Heart is a proud member of Radiotopia

56:41

in the spirit of being a proud member

56:43

of Radiotopia.

56:45

There's a show

56:47

on Radiotopia called

56:49

Hang Up. It's a reality dating

56:52

show and it's amazing.

56:57

One of my new most favorite

56:59

people in the world, Zakia Gibbons,

57:02

is the host of this show. She

57:04

is incredibly charismatic, incredibly hilarious,

57:07

incredibly charming, and it's

57:10

made by Caitlin Pierce. We

57:14

once upon a time joked about how similar our

57:16

names sound. It is very confusing.

57:20

Listen to me. What is not confusing

57:23

is that she's an incredible producer.

57:25

She's the creator of the show. If

57:28

you like fun

57:30

queer content,

57:32

please listen

57:34

to the show. In other news,

57:36

Megan Castle, whose voice you heard as

57:39

my polyamorous lover at the beginning of

57:41

this episode, just opened

57:44

Toronto's only

57:45

queer owned bar.

57:46

It's called Three Dollar Bill and

57:49

if you live in Toronto,

57:51

you're going to want to go and have a drink at that bar. It's

57:54

on Queen Street. It's very close to my house.

57:57

It is aesthetically pleasing but not pretentious.

58:01

Alright, that's it for now. The

58:03

next episode of The Shadows will

58:04

be coming in a couple of weeks, with

58:07

more stories underneath the story.

58:10

Okay, the end.